Segments - 40: Sugar Daddy

Episode Date: November 25, 2013

In this episode we discuss prostitution, first dates, and bad gift ideas. This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! bit.ly/1fNA7ul . Discover new music, upload your music, and make money from your music all in one magical website... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Helps us. Thank you so much for checking it out, and thank you so much for listening to this episode. This one was a good one, actually. They did it? It did. Yeah. They got real. They did.

They really did. I wanted to hear you say it first. Yeah, yeah, they did. They got real. So, yeah, enjoy. Thanks, guys. Thanks, guys. you're listening to the podcast show the one with millions of views if you're not sure what to do email and if i owe you cause it's your we'll be better mocking you when it's on when it's on you're gonna miss me when it's on i'll be on my

own we'll be picking up my phone i'll be listening to the podcast show cup song what is that cup song is that from pitch perfect i think it's i feel like they covered it in Pitch Perfect and that made it really popular, but I think it was around before that. It's just like things that girls just automatically know. Just you were born with that knowledge. Yeah, when you're born, you're either an XY or an XX, and if you're an XX, you have a vagina and know the cup song. And if you're an XY, you're a guy and you...

You'll never be able to do it i really hope i got that right when marina tried to teach you the cup song oh yeah i got the first i couldn't even i couldn't master doing the cup let alone singing that's why that's because you're a dude yeah we did it i did it one time through the whatever and uh i was so thrilled and marina was so happy for me that we jumped up and down hugging meanwhile any girl in the world just knows how to do it with looking at someone do it once innately uh well thank you that that the person didn't write his or her email i think it's a her but the the email address was from someone named sheldon well okay so thank you sheldon sheldon. Well, okay. So thank you, Sheldon. Sheldon. Oh, you know me. I'm

Sheldon. Love the cup sock. Yeah, Sheldon. You are good. Sheldon, you're the best. No one's better than Sheldon, I think. He or she also mentioned that we did, we had millions of views. Yeah, you know that

podcast show with a million views. Which I guess is true if you aggregate every single one of our views over the 39 previous episodes. Oh, there you go. That's probably what they did. Yeah. Even though most of them are, I imagine, repeat customers. No, no, no.

Everyone's only allowed to listen to the podcast once. 50,000 listens, and it's all a new person every time. They're unique people. Each one's unique. Not just unique in that there's no repeats, but also that they're all unique people. Yeah, we have no posers. Like snowflakes. Yeah.

Each one of you guys. Is unique. You're all unique. Welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And we are in our fifth location in the last five episodes. Yeah, oh my goodness.

I think we're the most popular podcast who has zero place to record. We are vagabonds. We are vagabonds. We are in your childhood bedroom right now. We are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people we we shouldn't be uh having the listenership that we do just record we are vagabonds we are in your childhood bedroom right now we are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people we we shouldn't be uh having the listenership that we do record we are vagabonds we are in

your childhood bedroom right now we are recording like we are recording a radio show for six people we we shouldn't be uh having the listenership that we do just record we are vagabonds we are in your childhood bedroom right now we are are recording a radio show for six people. We shouldn't be having the listenership that we do just by traveling with these microphones in a single recording device. You had a green bag filled with microphones and a mixer. We're just shoving it on a plane.

This is our livelihood. The most important thing that we have. Yeah, it looks like I have a child with a hobby, just holding it around like an audiophile hobo. Yeah, so here's my carry-on. My backpack has my magazines, and this is the way I make all my money. I'll just put it right over here.

Shove it. Yeah, can I shove it down deeper because I need to put my jacket here. Also, I got stopped at a – I had to go with the three microphones and the mixer, I guess, that we use to plug into my computer. I did it through a metal detector at an airport. And the lady in Minnesota was like, what you got there? And I'm like, oh, it's recording equipment. She's like, oh, are you a musician?

I'm like, no, it's recording equipment. She's like, oh, are you a musician? I'm like, no, I do a radio show. Oh, really? What channel? Not radio as much as it is a podcast. She's like, all right, come with me. And she had to inspect all the equipment. They ended up torturing you, not because you tried to bring anything in. They gave you a full cavity search. They gave me auring you, not because you tried to bring anything in.

They gave you a full cavity search. They gave me a swirly and a wedgie. She's like, there's nothing to do with it. You are a nerd. The TSA, I guess, screens for that. There was a nerd-sniffing dog that started attacking me. I guess it was a nerd-sniffing Doberman. You were sent to math camp in 1988. We think you may have turned yeah

were you part of what is known as mike's math club oh god i don't know i don't i hardly even remember a pencil through your hand yes all right fine i learned how to do long division in my head do your worst ass so yeah that was my uh my nerd terrorism moment flying with the podcast equipment oh my goodness like a door-to-door traveling salesman of of nerdiness um but you know what we haven't missed an episode yet we really and this is episode 40 holy shit look what we've done we are broken humans i finally slept for 13 hours last night. Yeah, after sleeping for four hours a night for the previous 12. If you guys are just catching up, Amir and I have been on a tour with Streeter Seidel and Dave Rosenberg for the last nine days. It was hard. You don't realize how physically demanding it is to be in seven cities in seven nights.

And performing, too. It's hard enough to just wake up in philadelphia be like oh i need to drive seven hours to burlington vermont today not to like you're not thinking of how you're going to get to the hotel at six and say can i take a nap and everyone is like yeah we have to be at the venue at 6 30 like oh all right you get to the venue you have to perform meet people and then afterwards you're like well i'm gonna rage face because i've never been in burlington before and lather rinse repeat and the best part is is that it's harder than other jobs so like if there's like a door a doctor a lawyer listening right we're in a more difficult place than you yeah especially if you're a doctor because like you save one person a day yeah i saved an entire room okay yeah they escaped their worries for an

hour you don't get a lot of sleep because you get calls from patients in the middle of night i don't get a lot of sleep because i'm in burlington for one night a year and i have to party that's right oh yeah i was with 25 people who all had fake ids and we got into a club sir how do you like that, doc? You choose to do it because you almost have to. I choose to do it because I want to. Do you realize that the social pressure is so much more than the legal and professional pressure that you face?

Doctors are turning off the podcast. Do you think we have doctors that listen to the podcast? My dad says he's listened to a couple episodes. Oh, and my brother said he listened to a couple and really liked it. There you go. So do you think there are doctors with the last... Your brother said he liked it? Yeah.

Thanks. You think there are doctors not named Dr. Blumenfeld listening to the show? That, no. That's another peek into how much of a disappointment I am carrying my microphones. Like, my dad is a doctor, my brother's a doctor, and i carried a mixer on an airplane and got tased there we go it's funny also uh my dad sent you and i oh yeah a john henry song after last week yeah when you referenced the john henry story nobody else knew what it was and uh my dad sent you and i i saw the song and i called him yesterday i I was like, did you watch the, did you listen to the podcast?

And he was like, oh, absolutely not. Mom was listening to it in the car. I did my best to cover my ears and sing La La La to myself. Unfortunately, a bit of your productivity seeped through and I found myself accidentally supporting you for half a second. But yes, I'm the reg. I am trolling your subreddit saying that you're a diva. You know, subreddit username they used to be funnier where I post videos and say how much better they used to be. That's me.

Thanks, dad. And that's why you think your mom can do better. That's right. That's right. All right. Let's get into it. How does this work this is an advice podcast meaning people email us their uh you know difficult places their their sticky situations and they need advice they're so desperate that they come to us

these these these two these two uh borderline uh infantile children men that try their best to answer these questions on their fictional radio show. We're self-deprecating. We're infantile children men who have a fake radio show. All right, you know what? We should do one episode where we're like, they email us because we're fucking famous

and it would fucking blow their mind to hear them at least read the words that they type. That's considered an honor to them. Even if I read an email and then say, this person is a piece of shit garbage, they will clap their hands and smile that I said their name. A fake name. We have so many fans that we're considered famous to them. I actually hate us right now. I can't even. I'm turning us right now. I can't even. I'm turning

this podcast off. We chose four to five good emails today, so let's do our best to try to answer them. Let's do it. This one comes from a lady that we'll call Sarah. Fake name, real

email. Ready? Yes. Hey guys, long time listener. First time asking you two for some advice. I'm currently a full-time student studying philosophy of moral ethics in California. I also work 35 hours a week as a cashier at a food establishment. It's difficult juggling both work and school as my grades are slipping and I'm still in need of much money. But recently, my roommate and my friend both started an account on SeekingArrangements.com, which is a sugar baby sugar daddy dating site. They go on dates with men who spoil them with luxurious dinners, monthly allowances, and some men who even offer to pay for a sugar baby's tuition. In return, sugar daddies expect an accommodating company and or

sex, more or less. Hearing my friends talk about their easy and hefty incomes, I'm a little tempted to try it out, but I can't help but think that this is some sort of prostitution. My friend swears that it's not because you're not obligated to have sex with them, but I feel as though that's naive and possibly dangerous. Do you think being a sugar baby is ever okay? Or even exceptional to someone like me, a young college student who is struggling to keep her head above financial waters? Thanks, Sarah. All right, let me tell you something.

Of all my sugar babies, I never expect sex from them. As a sugar daddy yourself. As a sugar daddy. Yeah, you actually pay them in sugar daddies the candy. Yes, and I've been very, they are very angry at me. Yeah, because they want money. They do not like to be paid in candy oh no son

are you foghorn leghorn oh yes I will sleep with an 18 year old and then I give her some gumdrops and she says excuse me I'm supposed to get money and I say are you some kind of whore and she said this was an arrangement

and I say there is no some kind of whore? And she said this was an arrangement. And I say, there is no such arrangement. Legally, they can't obligate you henceforth to sleep with me for cash money. So what I do is take advantage of heretofore arrangement. And last night I was jumped by eight fraternity members in the parking lot of a Gelson's. And they brought me to my knees. What they did was forcibly rape me and gave me a package of Lifesavers and said, how do you like it? And I'll tell you what, I didn't.

Now we have fun. This is a prostitution website this yeah of course this is it's this is as much as a prostitution website as you can legally do without i had no idea what seekingarrangements.com was i went to it and i'm like and now you are being tracked by the nsa now i signed up to be a sugar father and uh there's a white van outside of this house flowers by irene and they're sort of tapping into this radio show that we do uh yeah they're like we can't get a signal where are they broadcasting to they're too good sir i i've reason to believe they're not broadcasting or they're not

broadcasting anywhere they're sort of saving it locally and they're gonna upload it later what these these fucking lame asses let's go we have a drug deal to bust so uh seekingarrangements.com obviously they can't be like in this website guys pay girls for sex so they what they do is they sugarcoat it not no pun intended and they say oh why don't you become a sugar mama and gain gifts and then hey why don't you be a sugar daddy and you can pay for gifts for ladies to hang out with you and the entire thing is just like a giant wink to the whole about section of seeking arrangements is all in quotes yeah yeah uh have a date with an escort and then pay her in a tuition or cat not sorry not cash obviously but uh bitcoin

and to make things even more ironic this girl is studying the philosophy of moral ethics yeah so you get it so you understand i know you haven't graduated yet the final class is called obviously prostitution and the first two weeks are spent working on seekingarrangements.com this is the moral fibers here are nonexistent. But it's good that you're asking us because what you're doing is asking somebody who's been on dates and gotten paid for. And yeah, she's saying that it's not prostitution

because nobody wants to look in the mirror and say, I'm a prostitute. There's no contract, but it is a thing that sort of is socially accepted. The guys pay, and hopefully the girls lay. I'm being arrested. Oh, my God. But it is a thing that sort of is socially accepted.

The guys pay, and hopefully the girls lay. I'm being arrested. Oh, my girls lay i'm being arrested oh my god i'm being arrested but it's also like paying for someone's dinner not me paying for someone's dinner and uh their tuition right so like there's you get you over reach and you pass a certain boundary where it's like oh not like if i pay for a girl's dinner she doesn't owe me anything i like i offer she accepts that's it the end if i pay for a girl's dinner and then buy her a car she feels in debt to me and the way i want to collect the debt is with sex that's making it fucked up so this is like seeking arrangements while not explicitly prostitution is much more prostitution than normal datery which is a little bit prostitutiony i know

i like talked to girls who were like oh he like paid for dinner paid for drinks paid for the cab so i felt like i had to at least kiss him or something like no you don't only do that to people you like or at a certain point if you're not enjoying like if you are starting to feel indebted then you offer to pay and insist on paying for something. Right. And I'm sure if this lady told her parents, maybe they would give her some more money. Maybe they don't have money. Yeah, that's true.

But maybe somebody would help as opposed to doing seekingarrangements.com if they realized how dire of a situation it was. Yeah, there are like student loans and stuff or I don't know, whatever. Figure it was. Yeah, there were like student loans and stuff or I don't know, whatever. I mean, just like whatever you're like, if this is your last ditch effort to go on seeking arrangements, don't and make the thing before it your last ditch effort. Which is donating blood or eggs.

Yeah, and then after that, just drop out of college and admit that you can't pay for it before you turn into a whore. And then become a whore. Although, go to seeking arrangements first, then become a whore. Whore is like legit last minute. I would say a whore.

Don't even put it on your radar. Never be the whore. Never. That's not even an option. No, let's try not to be a whore. Prostitute. Anytime you're even debating whether or not this thing is prostitution, odds are it's too close to even consider.

Right. But also I will say that the guys on this site are essentially evil, preying on poor women and offering them money. Yeah, these aren't guys that you want to hang out with. These are guys who should be donating to charity. They should be setting up scholarships and not expecting to fuck students in return all right so like all the guys on this site should be round up and shot i don't believe in capital punishment but i think they all should be dead wow yeah extreme and the girls the i feel

like the girls on the side are the victims, and the guys are the predators. Whatever the opposite of a victim is. A predator, right? Yeah. All right. Okay. I know the word. So don't try to do that shit.

Are you okay? Fight, laugh, fighting. Don't call me an idiot on my show. I wasn't calling you an idiot. I know. You did, though. I didn't. You were like, you implied that I wasn't calling you an idiot on my show i wasn't calling you an idiot i know you did though i know i didn't i you were like you applied that i was no no no you do it a lot i don't do it a lot you do you really i really don't okay oh god it's so it's so grating the definition of passion aggression passivision aggression ism um should we try to answer another question uh you're you're done let's make this an 18 minute episode i'm good yeah

i'm actually 18 minute episode is we only have 12 more minutes if we stuck to what we ever really wanted to do on the show oh alas alack here right, ready? Yep. We'll call this dude Abraham. Abraham writes in, Hello. So I met this girl on Facebook and we started chatting and all. We both love the same bands, movies, and shows. After months of chatting and Skyping, she wanted to meet me in person a month from now. She is a smoking half French, half Italian, which is the complete feature most guys want, I guess,

which will make me nervous when I see her face to face. How can I play it all cool and hope for the best? How do I avoid awkward silences? I am also considering learning a bit of French phrases to impress her. Should I go for it or avoid the risk of making ridiculous mistakes in French? We are meeting at her city and where should I take her? A restaurant? Movie? Parks? Thank you, guys. Feel free to make fun of me and whatever wild idea you can come up with.

But please don't forget to give advice, too. Love, Abraham. Furthermore, what is a restaurant? If I take her to one, do we sit down? And order food? After shoving carbon nutrients in my mouth, where do I get the green paper that people don't get mad at people after they take stuff for? In a park. Will there be grass?

If so, shall we sit on it? Do I have to compete with the trees for oxygen or do they get it somewhere else? Whatever wild way you can imagine to make fun of me, I know it's going to be hard. I know it will be a stretch, as this is the most normal email anyone's ever written. And I do understand how life works. And it's definitely not sent from an alien. Love, I, I, I, I, I, kill, kill, kill, seek, destroy. I know you need a computer to send an email,

but I feel like this is our first email actually sent from the computer. Yeah. It's not from the person itself. There is just a computer taking a girl out on a date. The first sentient being, hello, podcast show show i met a girl on the book facebook girl shows up in the parks just to fuck it's a walking dell desktop with the body um i'm deep blue i'm not what you expected am i bonjour we we bonjour fromage i beat gary caspar off in chess Bonjour. Oui. Oui. Bonjour. Fromage. I beat Gary Kasparov in chess in the 90s, and yet I still can't get pussy, pussy, pussy. Destroy.

And awkward silence. How is that fair? How did this happen? I took you to a restaurant, movies, parks, parks, parks. I was instructed on how to avoid these. Say something. Say something. Say la vie. Don't meet this chick, man.

You're done. I felt bad because I'm like, I don't want to make fun of this guy too much. What if he's, you know, English isn't his first language? And so I did a little bit of research. And don't worry, he's Canadian. So that explains why he's, you know, English isn't his first language? And so I did a little bit of research. And don't worry, he's Canadian. So that explains why he's weird. Obviously, we love Canada. Not everyone in Canada is weird.

Just 99% of them. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry about that. I think. You know what? He said, feel free to make fun of me in whatever wild idea we can come up with. We did that. Yep.

He gave us the green light. We came up with a wild idea that he wrote a weird email. Yeah. You can imagine. And then, but he did say, please don't forget

to give advice too. So let's... So next question. Luckily, we're the hosts of the show and we can do whatever the fuck we want at a movie's restaurants

or parks. Yeah, geez. Well, I think it's hard to go from online, meeting someone online to meeting them in person. There is that like, that uncomfortable like, oh my God, this is, you're real. We're really doing this.

Am I what they expect? Is she what I expected, you know? Well, the question is, how can I play it all cool and hope for the best? How do I avoid awkward silences? We are meeting at her city and where should I take her? A restaurant, movies, parks? where we are meeting at her city and where should i take her a restaurant movies parks i guess restaurant and parks are better than the movies because the movies you don't get to talk to

her you don't face her that's a tough first date right yeah movies are not a good first date what about a good second date movies are third date you've never been on a third date i've never been to a movie with a girl have you not um i went well so if i had like a girlfriend we've been to the movies i went on one movie date in the last eight years what movie was it sherlock holmes 2 Sherlock Holmes 2 you should have taken her to a restaurant park it was her idea how was it? it was fine

so our advice movies are weird because you go there you say hi you make small talk until the movie itself starts so you're not even facing each other. It's super weird. But there are like opportunities for intimate moments. Oh, like if something's scary or funny.

Yeah, or like just the fact that you have to sit very close to somebody. Yeah, it's super like classic date is like getting popcorn and a soda and like sitting. Should I hold her hand or not? That's kind of cool. It's kind of cute. But not on the first date, pal first date pal also you're a robot so it won't matter once you see your circuitry instead of human body the movie's just playing on your face oh my god you're a fucking dvd player i love you Have you any interest in Friday Night Lights season three? It starts flickering.

Big Tim Riggins. His mouth opens and it starts projecting on a wall. He is just Tim Riggins. You can make your face fucking Taylor Kitsch. It's perfect. Congratulations. That's our advice. Turn into Tim Riggins.

I think that you almost have to just like, when it's this kind of thing, you have to embrace the discomfort because it's like it is a little weird. But I think if you're cool with it, that will make her cool with it. And if you guys can like talk about it, then it's – some of the best conversations I had after meeting up with somebody on Tinder or or something are about how weird the like the fact that we met online was right you just embrace it head on right but you don't want to sit down be like i can't believe i'm meeting you this is crazy like first get to know her talk about some stuff and then later on you just dive into like it's pretty crazy that we're actually finally meeting then you guys can talk about that like have you done this before all that stuff you know

all right so at first, act cool. Then once things are going good, break the ice by bringing up the fact that you guys are online. Yeah. Shed your cool skin and show her that you can be vulnerable, but you're comfortable well with being vulnerable. So if you were to rank restaurant, movie, parks, restaurant, first idea, parks, second, movies, third.

I would say parks first, restaurant second, movies third. But keep in mind this guy's in Canada. It's probably negative 19 degrees Celsius right now. Oh, yeah. Don't go to a park, ass. Go to a restaurant. You changed your mind so quickly. Well, I forgot.

Well, he's going to her city. Where does she live? Miami, Florida. Perfect. Go to a park. All right. That's it. That's good advice.

Play it cool. No awkward silences. Fake it till you make it. If you pretend to be comfortable, you'll actually end up being comfortable. Right. It's kind of like, I think a lot of people have this thought

or maybe I've just had this thought where I'm like, what if I don't drink and I just act drunk? Suddenly I'm saving money and I feel good the next day and nobody knows that I didn't drink. Yeah, I've had that thought, but I've never actually followed through on it.

Because all you have to do is act more courageous and silly. Right. I guess I've been to concerts and bars where I don't feel like dancing. And I'm like, if I just like five second burst of energy right now, start jumping up and down, that's all I need. Because as soon as I do, one other person I know will start jumping up and down that's all I need because as soon as I do one other person I know will start jumping up and down and dancing right and then it's like I feed off their energy then more people covers like it's an energy you know I love it I need to go to a fucking bar right now it's it's it's 1138 well so someplace is open you're saying no I'm not you're hurting me go me you're

on tinder so someplace is open you're saying yeah there's a brunch spot there's a sports bar where i can have it go through a danger it's a liquid brunch buddy yeah a liquid drunge ass all right should we get through one more question before our break time what's that how long have we been going? 30-ish minutes. I think we should take the break now. Yeah, that's true. We're forcing it.

Don't force it. Don't force it. That's advice for this robot guy. Yeah, don't force it. What was his name? Abraham? Abraham. Abraham. AbeBot192.

So any good stories from the road that you want to bring up? Oh, God. We really had a good time on the road, didn't we? It was like a new adventure every day. Yeah. It was like a video game, like Rampage, where it's like, all right, I beat Chicago. You've earned Ann Arbor.

Oh, God. Now done with Ann Arbor. Moving on to Madison, Wisconsin. Yeah, every single day I thought that I couldn't go anymore. And then every single, like by the afternoon, by the showtime, I was like, all right, let's turn it on. Let's do it. Highlights and lowlights for each of us. Okay.

I guess my lowlight was. Oh, I know your lowlight. What? Do you remember when you did laundry in Madisonison that was oh i thought you meant low light at the tour that was the low light of my life yeah you i was well i needed to do laundry i ran out of socks and underwear so i put all of my dirty clothes in a bag and started walking the streets of madison looking for a laundromat it was 29 degrees 29 degrees we went to the saddest most decrepit little laundromat with a sign that said it was closed yeah it's like next one uh go to

our other location on 701 East Johnson which is like a mile and a half we're like oh my god we're so we're just started just to walk back up to State Street which is like their main campus drag right and uh you ran into oh some girl was like oh i was at your show yeah yeah um and then you were like where's laundry i was i was the robot yeah you clean now you clean now laundromat please and she's like oh she couldn't think she's like do you want to just do laundry in my building which i didn't know if that was a polite thing or she actually wanted me to oh man i mean it ended up being a highlight because it was so funny i did take her up on it i'm like yeah yeah okay let's go to your building and let's do laundry

and she's like oh uh okay 30 years old just at least 10 years older than this girl she brings me back wait she brought me you and streeter back to her room and she's like and some of her roommates knew who we were and some didn't so she's like hey guys jake and amira here amira has to do his laundry and then one of the girls were like oh wow cool and then the other was like what the fuck is going on who's your creepy uncle that's here wanting to wash his clothes in our washing machine then we put all of her stuff in the washing machine she gave you her card the one thing she said was please don't lose this card which you lost twice. I didn't lose it.

Two times I reached in my pocket. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, God. Oh, guys. Oh, golly. I lost the card. Oh, gosh. I lost the freaking card.

We also never got her room number. So every time we went back, we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get in. Yeah, we had to leave, come back when the washing machine was done, leave, come back when the dryer was done, and then knock on her roommate's door and return the card yeah and then fold everything that was the sad thing i guess because it was funny when it was just like oh what's up in the laundry this is so funny and then like but by the end when it was just like time to switch it over then time to come back and fold it it's like all right we've we really made a day of this, huh? Streeter and you both took a photo on your Instagrams. Oh, yeah.

Of me asking for permission. Oh, also at one point I asked to go to the bathroom. I need to do my laundry and urinate. I thought it would be funny if I just went into the bathroom and they heard the shower going. They just heard the shower. Meryl, do you have soap? This is I'm allergic to Dove

Can you just take a look at this rash Are any of y'all pre-med Cops come Holy shit I assure you I was invited to this lady's apartment Oh that's good That's a good low light The low lights are also highlights because they're humorously said Right that's true

Oh wait I was going to say you should talk about your highlight of Dave throwing down The lowlights are also highlights because they're humorously said Right, that's true Oh, wait, no, go ahead I was going to say you should talk about your highlight of Dave throwing down My highlight is also potentially a lowlight It was also in Madison Really? The high and the low I feel like we have more fun in college towns than big cities Yeah

Like Ann Arbor and Madison were more fun than Philadelphia and Boston Right Well, I mean, I had fun in every city We loved them all. No, no, this has nothing to do with the people there. The crowds were evenly great throughout. It was just whether or not we had a crazy story from every location. Right. I think we just need a smaller place.

Like Boston's so huge. Yeah, we didn't really know what to go. We need one street with a pizza place on it. I had a really fun night in Boston, though. Oh, never mind then. Well, you just went back to bed. No way. All right, whatever.

Okay. Anywho, Dave, so we're in Madison. We stayed at this bar called Hawk's all night. Closed up. We all left. We were walking back to some girl's apartment with a bunch of, it was like 10 of us and we're all gonna go smoke weed keep in mind you're nine years older than every other person yeah uh oh hey guys

i failed out of college eight years ago can i smoke weed in your apartment it's so great how like i still get to do this stuff and it's fun for me and fun for them like meanwhile like if i just didn't have a podcast and an internet web series you'd be a creep yeah nobody allows me to go back to a dorm and smoke weed a borderline shouldn't be doing it anyway not borderline shouldn't so anyway we're walking along the street and uh we were with like four girls five guys i don't even remember but we turned the corner and some drunk kid uh just groped one of the girls we were with like grabbed her waist lifted up her skirt and grabbed her butt jesus and i yeah and everybody just kept on walking and i was like

i didn't understand what just happened and i so i went up to the guy. I was like, what did you just do? And he was like, nothing, man, nothing. And I was like, no, what just happened? Why did you do that? And then she came back. I was like, did he just touch you? And she's like, yeah, it's fine. Oh, my God.

That's the state of college now. That's fine. I was like, no, it's not. Why did you do that? I was like, I was drunk, but I wasn't going to actually do anything. Right. You just wanted to make him feel like shit. Yeah.

I just couldn't go back to the house having not any said anything i don't know if just regretted it before you knew it before i knew it well his friend comes up to me and he's like walk away walk away and as soon as that happens nobody walks away because it's not like i'm like confronting a guy who just gropes somebody and then his friend says walk away and i'm like you're right you're right you're the voice of reason a terrible person's friend i was like he's like walk away i was like no and then it just i like wasn't even turning around at all and then all of a sudden i see dave's hand on the drunk dude's neck he just throws him to the ground which is pretty much the most awesome thing you can do. Yeah, just like, just settling everything. A choke slam of sorts.

Like, you groped this girl. Like, no, shut up, man. Walk away. Choke slam. And it was just, it was great. And then that just like, everything exploded. And then I don't remember what happened, but we were like, people were pushing each other, holding each other back. Dave, like the drunk guy got up.

Dave went and chokeokeslammed him again and then uh and then we just i don't really remember what happened the guy who was like walk away i was like please please he's drunk he's drunk which is not an excuse no it's a terrible excuse but at least he was starting to say please instead of like walk away dude it's cool because when i was in college i wouldn't dare pick a fight with anyone. But now that I'm 10 years removed, I can hang out with a huge dude like Dave Rosenberg. And then I'd be down to pick on some turds. Dave just gets to fucking chokes. Dave also, the next day, was like, I was afraid to hit him because I don't know how strong I am. I could punch him and break my hand and nothing happens.

Or I could punch him and he dies. Yeah, that's awesome. So, yeah, good. Two good stories, I feel like. Yeah, but I feel like we could keep on talking about these stories for... Maybe we'll save it for breaks for future episodes. Yeah. Great tour.

And if we want to go to other cities, don't think that this is going to be the only tour yeah we're hoping to do it in the spring so like luckily a lot of people came out and it impressed the venues and hopefully we'll be able to do it again yeah um all right back to the questions back to fucking madison dude that's what i want let's let's uh call this person Isaac. Isaac writes, Hey boss, I have a girlfriend who is super cute, funny, hot, sexy, beautiful, and funny. She's a goddamn pair of nickels. Nice.

The problem is, she is fucking dumb as shit, and says and does the most dumbest shit I've ever seen. It really pisses me off sometimes, but I still love her other qualities. I think i should break up with her thanks for the advice yeah we think so too yeah how this you you think this person is dumb and this person who you described as cute funny hot sexy and funny you wrote a bad

email pal you're the dumb one i think me i'm the dumb one she is she is fucking dumb as shit and does the most dumbest shit i've ever seen yeah if someone's dumb as shit she's gonna do the dumb shit you don't you're very this whole email is very repetitive and redundant you're redundant of yourself yeah which is the least of our concerns i guess the most of which is you shouldn't be dating someone that you consider dumb as shit. Yeah. Somebody that you disrespect so much. Um, I still love her all their qualities like that. She's hot.

I love that about her. And she's funny enough to note it twice in a single list of adjectives. Uh, this, this, there, we don't have to go into much detail about this one. This,

this guy, it was just a silly, funny email guy who's so, so dumb that he calls his girlfriend dumb and asks us if he should break up with her. Basically, if you think your girlfriend is dumb, dating her is dumb. That's a good tip that I have,

is always date and go out with someone who's smarter than you. That's true. That way, you want to be the person, although maybe it is kind of dangerous, where do you want to be the person where guys are like, how did he get her? Or do you want to be the person, although maybe it is kind of dangerous. Do you want to be the person where guys are like, how did he get her? Or do you want to be the kind of guy where it's like, why is he dating her? That's tough.

What would you rather have? What you want to be is like, oh, they're perfect for each other. So that's better than, whoa, how did he get her? Isn't that kind of exciting, though? It's like, whoa, this guy must be so cool that he was able to get someone so smart and funny and beautiful. Yeah, but I guess that like makes, I think if I was dating somebody smart,

funny and beautiful, my friends wouldn't be like, how did he get her? They'd be like, oh, you're so lucky. I'm so jealous. Maybe they'd be like, you don't deserve her. If they were my real friends, they would. If they really knew me, they'd understand.

And definitely her friends should know that. Yeah, shit. This podcast has really backed me into a corner.. And definitely her friends should know that. Yeah, shit. This podcast has really backed me into a corner. So I guess the sweet spot is going out with someone who you think is slightly smarter than you. That way you're not intimidated. People aren't making fun of you, but at the same time you're not dealing with someone

who's like opinion you don't respect. And maybe she thinks you're smarter than her because it's nice to go out with somebody who respects you. Yeah. Mutual respect. Or maybe intelligence is so subjective that you guys can both be smarter than each other in different fields it's perfect nah now fuck it i'm just gonna i'm just gonna go after a road scholar i love you what you're smarter than me and you compliment me in perfect ways. You're taking your pants off and I urge you to stop.

I've never realized it till now. What are you? You're in an orgasmic state? You're living your life in a state where you're just about to climax? Oh, God, I wish. All right, one last question. Okay. You can go to bed.

I'll do this one solo. Thank you. You've only slept 12 one last question. Okay. You can go to bed. I'll do this one solo. Thank you. You've only slept 12 hours last night. Do you realize that I have no home? I'm homeless. I'm homeless of myself. Do you think that's okay? Because you're not even bringing it up.

I've been on the road for nine days, and when I went home, when I was done, I came to your parents' house, and I'm sleeping on a pull-out couch. How is that fair? And then you're going to go. And then I go back. I take a red eye back to New York, pack up all my stuff, which means I won't have a bed.

The next day, we drive across the country. And then at the end of that, staying back at my parents' home. For three days, at which point I fly back to Connecticut for the holidays. So I guess I'll have a home at my parents' house starting December 17th. Yay! Mommy, Daddy, I'm coming home. Please buy me things. What do you mean you didn't get me gifts?

Mom, Dad, it's Christmas time and I want a car. I really do. I want a car and a new apartment when I move back to L.A. because I don't have a home. No permanent mailing address. Oh, no. Speaking of gifts, let's get to this last email written by Jacob. Jacob writes.

I did not write this. I'm Jake, all right, just so you all know. Jacob, someone else writes. That's a fake name. This is a real email. Oh, we didn't even mention that email address again is ifireyoushowatgmail.com.

If you find yourself in a sticky situation, a difficult place, and you want our advice, email the show, ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Write us in. He writes,

so I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now, and the other day we were talking about Christmas presents, and she said she might get me a phone case with a photo of the two of us on it, which I really don't want.

I don't want to seem like the sort of guy who puts his girlfriend's face on everything he owns. She's my iPod background, but that's a different matter. She's also a bit overprotective of me, and I feel like she might just want to get me this so it warns other girls off. I wouldn't mind if she wanted the phone case for her, but for me it's hashtag nope.

My question is, how do I kindly let her know that I don't want that as a gift? Toe-da for the awesome podcast guys. Jacob. Oh, man, that's really tough. That is a sticky, terrible, difficult place. He stumped us. And time. And unfortunately, we're out of time.

You got to, I guess, wear that case with pride now, bud. We'll be back next week. She also got me a jacket with a picture of us on're out of time. You got to, I guess, wear that case with pride now, bud. We'll be back next week. She also got me a jacket with a picture of us on the back of it. And a tattoo for my face that says, go fuck yourself, every other girl. Oh, God, a bad iPhone case. You have to deal with that. Yeah, that's tough. That's like a gift of responsibility.

It's like giving someone a cat. I really think the thing that you should have done, which you already didn't do, unfortunately, is never go out with her. That was what I, no, what I was going to say is,

well, you should have, when it first, this is the kind of thing that like when it first comes up, if you say something, it's not a big deal. Yeah,

you got to kill this little thing when it's an ant. By the time it's like a, by the time it's a hamster, a dog, you can't really run it over with a car. I feel like at this point she's chosen the picture. Maybe she's sent it to whoever's going to make it.

It's a thing. And you come and you talk to her. It's like, oh, yeah, I stewed over this and I weighed the pros and cons. And I realized if I have this, I wouldn't get to fuck other girls like you fear. You need to. Yeah, it's too big. It's not even about fucking other girls. It's just embarrassing.

Oh, yeah, dude. I know. That's awful. That's like a thing that says, make fun of me. That's like a thing where you can't take your phone out in public anymore. Yeah, you're a girl... Dude, even beyond her just being clingy and jealous and all that, it's like, this is going to be an ugly iPhone case.

Yeah. Nobody has a photo on the back of their iPhone case that looks cool. Yeah, unless it's like an ironic one of a kitty cat or something. You know what you should get is get a Mophie, which is a... This episode is brought to you by Mophie. Shit, I should... Fuck Mophie.

But here's what this thing does. It's like a case that... It's also a battery. It's like a case that... It's also a battery. It's like a second battery. So your phone can completely die and then charge. So you should say, oh, my dad got me a Mophie. Oh, and it makes your phone bigger,

so it doesn't fit in normal cases. I can't use your case because I want to use a Mophie because I'm so concerned about my battery life. Oh, that's good. So you get an addition to your phone that prohibits her from ever giving you a case with your picture on it. What about this?

I really want this, but I'm afraid people will make fun of me. Is that a bitch move? Yeah. I mean, I think you can pass it on to other people like, oh, everyone's going to like give me a hard time. They're such assholes. Why do you care what other people think? I don't know.

It's just annoying. You know how it is when people are making fun of you. No people no i don't care i'm proud that you're my boyfriend yes you are proud of that uh you're not proud of me i am you don't will you marry me i have a mofi i think you you can't pass it off to other people because then it's like why do you care what they think and then you like and then you're also lying just you don't want it you don't want it oh now you're telling me that lying is bad after you just told him to get a mofie well mofie's not a lie a mofie a genio it genuinely won't fit the case it's a white lie because you're getting it for the wrong reasons but you're all right yeah mine is a white lie your thing i think i'm not saying not to lie but i think although my thing

is even less of a lie than yours Because my thing is I don't want it because people will make fun of me That's 100% true That's not a lie She could spin that on you and make you recount your words Recant I'd love to recant them actually I really think that you ought to just be like

I don't want this It's not the display of affection That I want to make for you It doesn't make me feel good about us it like i think what if it like it cheapens the relationship that's what i think i think it like weakens i think it weakens it i think it weakens and cheapens it yeah it's a weakening cheapening freaking weakening and actually your the outcome of your relationship is a bleakening i do think that you could just be like, this is, you understand, baby, that this is lame, right?

Yeah. You get that. I don't want to be with someone that thinks this is cool. Two options. If you really like your girlfriend and you just don't want her to be so, what's the word? Cheekening? Yes. Then you should just tell her like, hey, I won't like this gift.

I'm just being honest with you. I love you. I respect you, which is why I'm going to tell you the truth that I will not like and I will not use this case. She's so overprotective that she wants the phone to also be protected in this picture of her. Yeah. protected in this this picture of her yeah and this you is uh i know that this this gift is sort of like inconsequential but it's indicative of this bigger problem that you don't trust me that you're overprotective and i think if you keep that behavior up i'm gonna have to break up with you oh you switch it up yes or you say i'm sorry my daddy got me a mofi so hey you make the call i

think we've given you two very solid options here. Yeah, one increases your battery life of your phone, and the other changes your relationship, maybe for the worst, forever. So, I don't know. You choose what you want. It is the season, right? There you go.

All right, that's our time. That is actually our time. That is our show. Email address one more time if you got your own little thingamajig is ifireadyashow at gmail..com we're also still accepting theme song submissions every single episode has a new theme song both at the top at and at the end that first one was from someone who i believe was named sheldon or maybe was writing from an email address named sheldon

let us know maybe we'll correct it in a future episode. And this last one is by somebody named Derek. So thanks again for listening, everyone. And yeah, have a good Monday. And if it's not Monday, have a good Tuesday. And if you still haven't listened to this episode by a Wednesday, just give up. We don't need these. Shut up. How dare you go listen to it on a Wednesday?

All right. Thanks, guys. Bye. Bye. If I were you, if I were you, I'd know exactly what to do. Jake and Amir will help me out. They'll find a way to ease my doubt. Because all I want is to be there for you. And that's why I listen to these two.

They give me some bomb-ass advice. Hopefully they'll change our lives. So come on, darling, have no fear. Our fate is in the hands of Jake and the miss He's the cheese And yo, do you Maybe we can Work this through If not, I'll kill myself at a Starbucks