Segments - 40: Wallpaper

Episode Date: August 5, 2024

In this episode we discuss our origin story, our personal email, and our walls.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what, I'm going to say my fucking social security number, so you have to edit it out, okay?

Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in, but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Now here's one more effort for only positive motivations. They swear. Second. Another podcast.

Second. Each app different from the last. Second. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows. Now let's meet your two emphatic hosts. Second. Woo! Change your shirt color now. Why?

Because we're both wearing white shirts? Yours is a very wrinkly Henley. They're so different. It's incredibly wrinkly Henley. They're so different. It's incredibly wrinkly. Yes, you have a crisp little bacon collar going on. That is. You obviously tried that. You didn't hang dry anything.

You washed it on warm. You tossed it in the dryer. You thought everything was going to be fine, but it's not. Is it, Lumenfeld? It's slightly pink because there was a red sock. Yeah. And I did it because during which I had a pink sock, aka a prolapsed rectum. Yeah. Good. Forget I made fun of the shirt. I'm just really sorry to hear everything. I'm sitting on a donut. Good, good. You're taking care of yourself now. Hardly.

I wish I was. Instead, I have a nurse taking care of me. Oh, welcome. Welcome, everybody. We are back. It's on Monday. We're not writing an episode yet. No.

It's too early for that. That's right. It's actually Monday right now. We're recording on a Monday for a No. It's too early for that. That's right. It's actually Monday right now. We're recording on a Monday for a Monday. That's pretty early for us. We're normally, you know, last minute. Oh, shit. It's Thursday.

It's Thursday. So sorry, Grim. We're going to get you this episode. I promise. I just, I can't upload the video. It's really slow on my laptop. I shot it in 4K by accident. Oh, I changed that.

Yeah. I have been shooting in 4K by accident. There you go. I guess that's the default setting. I don't know. I need to get a new phone also because this is unrelated to anything, but it only charges at certain angles. It's like that phase of having a phone. Yeah.

Have you done the cleaning? I've tried to do the cleaning with my fingernail. Yeah. Get the lint out of there. But it seems like- With your fingernail? Get a fucking paperclip. Paperclip is too thick.

I have to have something as thin and sharp and hard as my fingernail to get in there with a hook. That's not rigid enough. It's thin and it's sharp, but it's not rigid enough. It's plenty rigid. It's actually too rigid. Yeah. I have some sort of

I've been snorting biotin for a year. My hair and my nails and my teeth are too hard. Yeah. They're starting to crack. I look like a chia pet. But like it only, my phone only charges.

I'm becoming a cactus. I'm shoving it. Yes, I have needles coming out of me. Well, here's another question for you. Yeah. Here's another question for you. Yeah. Are you, is this any charger at all?

This is like chargers around the office or is this your home charger? It's the phone and it's the car. It's like I have to like press up into the phone for it to be like charging. It's not great. Yeah, so it does sound like you need a new phone. It sounds like you need a new phone but I do wish you would try cleaning it with a pin. No reason not to try. A bobby

pin. A bobby pin. Yes, because it has a soft rubber edge so it's not going to scratch the phone. It is thin because it's got the flat surface, and it is, yes, rigid, isn't it? Because it is metal, okay? It's got a little bit of give, but you want that spring, you want that scoop, and you want that, okay? That hock tua.

That's right. You don't want to use your nail. That's not efficient or sufficient. Anyway, this is Segments, an ever-changing podcast hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Josh. Should we do like PTI part in the interruption style? Like tell people what the segments are going to be? Or is it more exciting to not know until like we're in it?

That's a good question. Well, why don't we'll just ask right now. Why don't we test? We don't usually tell people the segments, right? Yeah. So let's give them a rundown today and see if they like it or if they prefer to be surprised. Okay.

Okay. So today we have got a DIY discussion. Yes. A home repair of sorts. Yes, and then we've got, what was the second one? The second one, oh, is Game Boy, but for our personal emails. Right, Game Boy personal email style. And then the third is I've got another real lion or fake lion, Jake and Amir. Yeah.

Okay. Real lion or line? Real line real line because lions we've never yeah yeah even i wonder if we've ever said lion on jake and amir what do you think i would assume so but i can't really think of anything i guess the question all right i'll search search the Jake and Amir script archive, which by the way, when you go to watch any of the videos, it's just an advertisement for Dropout.

So I wonder if we should fix that just because we do own the videos now. We can make them go anywhere we want. Right. Okay. Wow. Wow. There's a lot more mentions of Lion

than I would have thought. You want to go through them all? I would play Game Boy, but with the screenplay. That might actually be more fun, by the way. So that's one, two, three, four, five, six. I'll tell you all of them. There's a lot. Jesus.

We've said Lion apparently in Pictionary, which came out in 2008, in Park, in DVD, and Interpreters Part 2, Cheer Up. In 2009, we said Lion twice in Las Vegas and Two Months, Two Million Interview. Uh-huh. In 2010, we said it thrice,

Private Eye Part 2 with Ben. That's where he's the, he's the like park. Oh, wait, no. Private Eye. Park Ranger. Yeah, that's different. Of course. Private Eye Part 2, Muffin and Ransom.

In 2011, we actually went absolutely nuts. We said Lion 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven times. Eleven times in a year? Yeah. That's almost, I don't know. It's like a quarter year. Once every month. Yeah.

Jesus. Okay. That was in Ransom. 150,000 Facebook fans, thank you video. When did we say it there? Let's just see. I bet this can't be right. Oh, yeah.

It's like... It's not right. Yeah. It's like searching N-E-L-I-O or something. Right. No, it's searching... The one that is tipping the scales is the word million. Oh, yes.

Which is probably why it shows up in the two months, two million interview. No, that one did have a lion in it. Yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah, there's – okay. Is there any way to search specifically lion? Honestly, no, but I'm going to go through now. I'm going through, and I'm going to see if there's ever a time where – yeah, all of these are million. They're all million.

Yeah, that makes more sense. Way more sense, right? Yeah, yeah. Now we need to know. Did we ever say lion? Did we ever say lion? Because there's another million. And there should be a billion or two in there too.

Yeah, there was a billion. All right, stop talking. You're saying like a million different things. I say that at one point. Economic crisis too. We already know it's, oh yeah, million, billion, and trillion in there. Texting, okay. $4 million with us and trillion in there. Texting, okay, $4 million with us, but they couldn't. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think really is all million and not one lion. Let's find out. We're almost through all of these. Although you can't spell million without

lion. Right. But now I'm just like, it's amazing. Did we literally never say lion? I thought I couldn't remember one. That's why I was so shocked that this actually yielded so many results. But million makes more sense. Right. Exactly. Oh, there we go. I found it.

We finally actually said it. Was it in a Ben Schwartz episode? No, it was in horoscopes. Oh, yeah. Inside, I'm a lion. Or like, emotionally, I'm an ox or something like that. All right. So you say, you're reading from a newspaper.

You will confront conflicts this month, but rest assured you can solve them. Maybe not through, maybe not though. And then you say, that's vintage you. And I say, that's vintage anybody. No. And then you say, no, because the way it works is that you're a Leo. So that stars look like a lion and it knows that you're going to, that you're, how you're going to act. I say, try not to learn new things. And then I make fun of you by saying, the stars look like a lion and it shows how you're going to act. And then you say, yeah, they really do.

They look like a lion. All right. So we did say it multiple times in at least one video. Yeah. Horoscope, that looks like a good video. I don't know if we've watched that on Jake and Amir Watch, but...

Probably? Yeah. Yeah, probably. Okay. Here's my home decor DIY week ahead. Okay. Not a dilemma. This is a plan.

Yes, it's a plan. It's not a dilemma yet, but maybe by next episode, there'll be plenty of problems. Have you ever installed wallpaper or paid somebody to install wallpaper in your house? I've actually never done wallpaper. Okay. Do you like wallpaper? I like it when I see it and somebody else has made a decision. But I think wallpaper is a stressful thing for me because there's so many options.

There are. And that was the hardest part about deciding to do a wallpaper. There's wallpapers in two of my walls already. Right. You like wallpaper. You're a wallpaper guy. Some people are wallpaper people. Yeah. I like the way it looks. It's like a nice alternative to painting. Yeah. So the goal for our living room is to take down the TV, to put up wallpaper, and then to replace that old TV with a frame TV. So it looks like a gallery wall in front of a wallpaper, but one of the paintings is a television. So you're going to have a full-on gallery wall.

You've got different paintings and pictures to put up there. Correct. Right now it's just a white wall with like a 2015 Vizio mounted. I've seen the frame as part of the gallery wall. I think it's a good look. I like that. Yeah. So that was part of Avital's birthday gift.

She wanted to make – turn the living room into less of a plain space. So I'm like, okay, I'll get the TV and then we can do the wallpaper and all that stuff together. Nice. So Samsung Frames TVs had a monopoly on the frame TV market up until last month. Really? Yes. That was the first thing I learned. Why?

Because there are no other TVs that look like matte art. So I thought like this was a whole part of the television game, but no, Samsung for the last whatever, five, six, seven years were the only game in town. Yeah. Was there a reason? Just because they were the only ones that knew how to do it? Yeah. Or they're the ones that cared how to do it because the TV itself is not as good as like a really nice TV. That's like 4K, ULED, all the stuff I don't understand, really thin. It's not that great of a television, but it looks – unlike any other TV, it looks like actual art. Right. So – and instead of spending $1,000 on a 65-inch TV, the frame TV is like $2,000 because when it's off, it looks like a painting.

Right. No other TV could do that, supposedly. Until this other television just launched last month. So I'm like, this is perfect timing. We're finally going to pull a trigger on a frame TV. And with all the complaints people have about the Samsung frame TV, there's a new game in town. It's cheaper. It's a brand called Hisense.

I guess it's this Chinese TV brand. Instead of $2,000, it's $1,300. And instead of having to run the Samsung software, which nobody seems to like, it has a Google software. So it's cheaper. It's better. And in theory, and it comes with a frame, which the frame TV doesn't. So this is perfect. Oh, yeah.

Right. Okay. The problem is I still have my old TV on my wall. I still got to take that down. We still had to choose the wallpaper. We still had to decide what kind of wallpaper. There's multiple kinds of wallpaper, the design, the technique, all this stuff. So we finally figured all that stuff out. And as you search for wallpaper, every Instagram ad becomes for more wallpaper. And do you want textured wallpaper? Do

you want stick wallpaper? Do you want glue wallpaper? So many options. We actually did a peel and stick wallpaper in our bedroom during the pandemic. You did it yourselves? Yes. Interesting. It's giant sheets of sticker that you stick onto a wall. One column, then you shift over, do another column, lather, rinse, repeat. But those are stickers. Right.

The wallpaper we found isn't a sticker at all. It's old school wallpaper, which means you literally have to purchase wallpaper glue and paint it on the wallpaper or paint it on the wall. Uh-huh. That sounds so hard. It does sound very hard and I haven't done it yet. But I've watched a lot of YouTube videos of people doing it. And making it look easy. Very easy. These guys who have done it a thousand times can just fucking slap it on, exacto knife the edges, figure it out, line it up. No problem.

No issue at all. And then everything I look into, it's like, all right, this is how you glue the wallpaper on the wall. Some people will tell you to glue the wall. I prefer to glue the wallpaper. Some people will tell you to prefer the wallpaper. I tell you to do the wall. I hope, and then one of the comments is like, I hope you also talk about priming the wall. You got to prime the wall before that. Yeah. The wall's got to be flat because otherwise what are you going to do? Exactly. And then everything I find opens up another door. It's like, it not's got to be flat because otherwise what are you going to do? Exactly. And then everything I find opens up another door. It's like it not just has to be flat.

You have to spackle all the holes. But there's also something called sizing. You want to sizer the wall. I'm like, what the hell is that? Well, you know, the glue sticks to the paint and we can't have the glue directly touch the paint. So you got to put a primer or a sizing, which is another layer that goes on the paint so that when the glue touches the wall, there's actually a middle man in between the two so that it helps stick and that when you take the wallpaper off, it doesn't destroy the wall. Oh, God. Okay.

I go to fucking like Home Depot, Buller Hardware. I start asking them all these questions like, yeah, well, technically you do want to do that, but you got to do this and you got to have a brush and you got to have a sponge because the glue gets everywhere and you got to wash it off before it dries and you got to get the tarp so that when you glue it, it doesn't bleed through. I'm like, oh my God. So I have this whole plan ahead of me that I haven't even done yet. So hopefully by the time you guys hear this episode. What are you planning to do it?

Well, it has to happen in phases. I can't even do it all in one day. Okay. So where are you right now? Is the TV still on the wall? The TV doesn't exist. What do you mean? I burnt my house down.

I didn't want to buy this little shit out. I didn't do the primer. I didn't do the wall. Yeah. Right now I'm at square one. We actually, we've chosen the wallpaper. It's coming. But the old TV is still mounted do the wall. Yeah, right now I'm at square one. We actually, we've chosen the wallpaper. It's coming. But the old TV is still mounted on the wall.

I've never unmounted a television. I've never mounted a television. I've only like told people like handymen where to put it. Yeah, yeah. So you're going to have to take the TV. Do you still have the receiver just stuck behind the television? Yes. So I have the mount that's like three inches away from the wall and like everything is stuffed behind the wall.

Like the cable box, the modem, the wires, it's all just like hidden behind the television. That can't exist anymore. The frame is flush into the wall. Yeah. And you know the frame has – The cable box? It has a tiny little – a very tiny little wire. Yeah.

Well, that's – oh, that's another good thing about the Hisense Canvas TV. The frame TV does not have, the Canvas TV does not have a little wire. It does not have a one box. It's all within the television. That's, you know, I bought a frame TV and returned it, right? Because of the one box. Yeah. Because we bought it, we had like, we did our whole house renovation.

Like, there was a wall where the contractor's like, oh, you're going to want to put a TV there. You're going to want to put like an outlet there so you can mount a TV. And I was like, no, because I don't really want like all of the – like I don't want all of the stuff down here. We just want to have like the living room, no TV. And he's like, no, like let's just – you should just do it. You're going to – trust me, you're going to want it. A few months in, we're like, okay, maybe we are glad we did it. Let's go, let's get the frame TV because it's just going to sit there and we won't even notice it. It'll

be like art. And sometimes we could like watch sports or soccer. Which is where I'm at. And then I, but then we, and we went to the Samsung store. We saw them and we're like, oh, this is great. Let's, let's get's get it so we got it and i was too nervous to touch anything in my house i had a task rabbit come over to mount this frame tv yeah which is what i'll be resorting to when i fail to do it myself he takes it out of the box he's like all right so the tv is going to go here and he's like where do you want the the like the box one box yeah to go and i was like oh i don, I don't want that to go anywhere. I thought it was a TV.

I thought it was all contained within the frame itself. Well, no, it's the frame. It looks like a picture frame. And then, of course, there's a wire and a box. So how does it look like a picture frame? Yeah, that's the monitor, but there still needs to be a computer. And with a Hisense Canvas TV, the monitor and the computer is like an iPad. It's all in one.

I'm actually thrilled to hear about this. Well, there are no reviews for this TV because it just came out last month. So if I was able to figure all this stuff out, I'll let you know. Yeah, let me know if you like it. Let me know if you like it. I bought a Google TV, and I hate it. So I'm curious to see if yours is better running on the Google platform. Yeah. I mean, everybody has pros and cons, highs and lows for any television. So as long as we get

used to it, I'm hoping it works out. But then framing or like once I do all this wallpaper, which I don't even know if I could do, putting that TV up on the wall, it has its own like infrastructure and all this stuff. And it's like, oh, you're going to, since you can't hide the cable box and the internet, you got to like literally build it into the wall.

Like, have you ever seen this? Like you have to literally carve into the wall and put a media cabinet in there behind the frame. It's a real, it's a to do. That sounds, that sounds great.

Honestly. Yeah. It's really nice. I don't even know if you could frame a TV into wallpaper, quite frankly. That sounds great, honestly. Yeah. It's really nice. I don't even know if you could frame a TV into wallpaper, quite frankly. I just assume it'll work. Yeah. I'm sure it'll be fine. But you're going to have to take the TV off.

And then you're going to have to, are you going to spackle it? Are you going to prime it? Yeah, I got to spackle. Never spackled. Yeah, I'm going to have to spackle, sand it down, and then put the primer on, whatever, like another invisible layer so that when the glue gets on the wall, it doesn't touch the wall. I don't really understand fully what's going on. I've almost never done a home project that went well.

I don't think I've ever, ever done one. Because it's all your first time doing it. Yeah. Nobody's first time nails it. You have to do it a hundred times. It took me a decade, truly a decade. Like now I know how to use drywall screws. It took me such a long time to even understand the concept behind drywall screws.

That's like the plastic one that you screw the screws into. Yeah, you have to drill into the wall, then you hammer the plastic screw, and then you can put like a screw in. Yeah. But that's, I've only gotten, I've only been able to do that because I was like mounting stuff inside of a closet. So I was a little less like scared. But I feel like,

man, there were, yeah, my, my last apartment, I like was trying to, I was, you know,

like one of those like cool swing lights. Yeah. I was like, oh, I'm going to try to mount this myself. How hard can it be? I'm just going to like, just,

I have, I have got, I cleared my afternoon. I was like, I, I'm going to try to mount this myself. How hard can it be? I'm just going to like just – I have got – I cleared my afternoon. I was like, I have nothing to do today. I'm going to get this thing mounted and Jill will be so happy because she'll come home and it's going to look so nice. I did all the measurements. I started – I did like the drywall screw. I like hammered it in and just like instantly the drywall was like the size of a quarter. I was like, all right.

This is too loose and soft. It's way too loose. I can't. You can't troubleshoot anything when it's like, I can watch a YouTube video. I need a new wall. What am I going to do now? If one thing goes wrong, I'm dead. I'm absolutely dead to rights.

I instantly called our super and I was like, I'm scared, sir. I don't know what I did. I ruined your building. It was so annoying because he was always happy to come up and do everything, but he never liked to just do it. He liked me to be there so we could explain the entire time like I was ever going to learn anything. Well, that's what I want to do with this wallpaper. Like I can hire somebody to do it, but it's like $700. And I'm like, okay, I think I can sort of do it myself. But then it's like, I want like a friend who's done it before.

That's ideal. A favor. Because like already the $700 person, they come with the brush, the glue, the spackle. You probably spent $200 on material already. Exactly. And it's multiple people. I don't think they do it by themselves. I'm just me. How am I going to take a TV off a wall? It's kind of heavy. And it's multiple people. I don't think they do it by themselves. I'm just me.

How am I going to take a TV off a wall? It's kind of heavy. Right. No, yeah. You're going to need a billy. At least two, right? To like hold the TV while I unscrew? Like that seems dangerous.

Well, no, the TV is like on hooks. You just need two people to lift it off the hook. And then you're going to lean it against the couch. And then I take the mount off. And then you'll see the bracket. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Then you're going to spackle those. Then you'll prime those. Then you're going to need a sizer. Yeah. And then you'll do some glue on the wall.

Some people say wallpaper, but I say wall. This, honestly, a video of us doing this would be good content. But you don't live in LA, so I can't wait for that. Yeah, a video of you doing it's be good content, but you don't live in LA, so I can't wait for that. Yeah, a video of you doing it is going to be even better, actually. I'm going to try. But now I need a fourth person.

Yeah, somebody actually shooting it, somebody helping me, somebody, then me doing, trying to do everything. You know who's good at it? Jill's dad is actually good at it. Oh, really? Yeah, he's a good wall, I mean, he's pretty handy, but he's specifically, he's like very good at doing wallpaper. He does all of the wallpapers. Wallpapers.

Yeah, because him and... They like have a house in Palm Springs that they like renovate, and he does the wallpaper. Ask him if he draws his plum lines with pencil or uses a laser. I will, I will, I will. And it does need to be plumb.

Yeah. And it needs to be sizer. Which I found out recently means perfectly vertical. Otherwise, your wallpaper will be installed askew. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

So look forward to the update in a week when I realize really quickly I'll have to hire somebody for more than $700 now because now they have to undo all the things that I fucked up. In addition to doing the things that I want. Yeah, it will be more expensive than the original quote. Yes. And I don't know how to mount the Canvas TV. Oh, no, I do not know how to mount that at all. Right. All right.

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Enough. Yes, of course.'m just a fan of the league in general, but I still have gambling enough. Yes. You're a fan of gambling. Yes.

And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me, which is not likely, cause I do know a lot. Like, do you know what a nickelback, uh, does in a cover to defense?

Or like, do you know what a play action pass is like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits.

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Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. pick six credits expire in six months limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings all right we're back hello hello uh While we wait for my primer to dry, we came up with the idea of Game Boy, who's our old friend from the previous podcast we did. Oh. That's right. Oh. In which we try to search our emails for a word that only yields one result.

One result. And then we'll read that email. Hopefully it's a fun personal email. Yes, lion would probably work because it looked like the majority of them were a million. We only found one lion. That's actually true. So do you want to start or should I for

guessing? You'll guess a word that I have to search in my Gmail. Right. Why don't you guess for my email? Okay. I'll guess maybe something kind of salacious and see if it yields something funny. Yeah.

So you're not trying to get down to one email. You're trying to search. I mean, I also don't know why you would search this in your Gmail. Ejaculate or something. Yeah. See if I ever had really bad cyber sex. We're not counting spam email, right? Because that'll yield a lot.

We're looking for personal emails sent to you or you sent. Precisely. We'll have to get rid of the spam. Because when I archive it, I don't know if it still shows up in the searches. Yeah. We'll find out. Let's search.

Let's do moisture. Moisture? Just moisture. Moisture. Have you ever sent or received an email? That said moisture. Wow. It looks like I got one from you on June 5th.

Two weeks ago. Hey, how's your moisture? Don't ask me why. It was an ad that we read on this podcast. My line is, not sure how or when you got that idea. Actually, for legal reasons, I may shift gears entirely. Moisture wicking shirts available at cost. Oh, yeah.

I guess I did send you an email recently that say moisture. Does it yield 1,000 results or does it just stand? Yeah, it's many, many. That was a bad one. Yeah, moisture because during our home renovation, it looks like there's lots of moisture talk yeah a lot of issues with moist yeah why don't you go several pages of moisture lots of moisture almost too much moisture okay why don't we say you know we don't want to say boner. I don't want to say – okay.

Let's look at – This is hard because I've also had Gmail for 20 years. Yeah, exactly. I don't know if it's all in here though. Oh, how about inconceivable? Okay. Because that's like an email where you might be irate. That's good.

Like inconceivable. Like this is insane to me. This is crazy to me. That's like I'm pretty mad. But this is inconceivable. It's like I'm actually fucking livid. Okay. Wow.

That's pretty good. There's six. Wow. That is good. Six. I mean, it's definitely the leader in the clubhouse. First one is spam. Second one is spam. Second one is spam.

Third one is spam. Fourth one is an email about somebody planning a birthday. Oh, no. Somebody wanted to go to Cinespia in 2017. Okay. The fourth one is a Mike Hard's Lemonade pre-roll script from 2014.

Nice. Because it also searches attachments. Right. Okay. And the first email I got that was inconceivable is from you. No way.

It was an email you forwarded me, actually. Yes. It was an email between you and Jake Lodwick in 2011. Wow, that's so old. Yes. It's about, oh, this is interesting, actually. It's like CH history. Really?

It's an email between Ricky and Jake Lodwick, and then I guess he forwarded it to you. Jake Lodwick did? And then you forwarded it to me. Wow. Is it gossip? Is it salacious? businessy stuff where it's like uh um ch is funding their prank war videos starting with the last one where they went to la we only recently moved them from vimeo to ch which probably explains why not all of them are tagged it's like about putting uh oh prank videos on

college humor like would oh here we go yeah this is exactly like the origin of jake and amir jesus no way well look at this treasure trove inconceivable it actually it's it's an e i knew i'd find some fucking dirt so this is what inconceivable starts which by the way the first the first three were spam and you said we were ignoring. So I basically got three emails. Yeah. That's pretty good. So this is an email from Jake Laudwick in 2007 to Ricky. 2007?

Yeah. Jeff and Amir's tastes and captions are great. He's talking about Jeff Rubin and me. But it's just icing on the cake. What if CH was known for having five original videos per day and not just one off like mementos? Remember the college humor video we made about mementos, like a real life mementos ad? But quick, funny shorts featuring the hilarious guys. It's really not inconceivable. It would have to have the recurring appeal of serial programs mixed with real-lifeness of reality TV.

Of course, they'd be playing heightened versions of themselves, but it would still all be very authentic. Wow. So it's like video strategy between Ricky and Jake talking about whether these – That was Jake to Ricky? Yeah, that was Jake Ludwig to Ricky. And then Ricky says, talking about Jake and Amir, I like their TrustFall video too. I wonder if CH users would as well. We can put it on CH and test

it. Remember TrustFall? Holy shit. I have chills. That's crazy. It really is insane. It's inconceivable. So we just were making... It's always been part of our oral history. We're like, well, we started making videos for fun and then we put them on CollegeHumor.

Yes. But this is like. Them deciding on that. Sometimes your history just kind of becomes like something you say all the time and you actually forget it. Like we literally did just like, we made these videos for Vimeo. Oh, interesting. So this, yeah. And this thread is from 2007, but Jake Lodwick forwarded it to you in 2011.

Oh, maybe. And then you responded jesus this is so crazy to read thanks for having our back wow so so he was must maybe he told me somewhere like at a party or something that he was the one that pushed it that's right so it's like by the way like i'm the one who told Ricky and Josh to put your stuff on College Humor. Yeah, I could see that. Before that, it was just on Vimeo. Wow. That's wild.

That is genuinely crazy. Yeah, and it's an email from 2007. Yeah, because it was Ricky that reached out to us and was like, do you want to put these on College Humor, right? That's right. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And Ricky. They talk about the Michael Showalter show and all that stuff. That's right. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. And Ricky. They talk about like the Michael Showalter show and all that stuff.

That's amazing. Jake Laudwick says, have you guys watched Streeter and Amir's non-prank war stuff on Vimeo? It's pretty consistently funny. Why aren't they making videos for College Humor? I think they should have no budget and simply be responsible for one video each workday. They could put it on the homepage. It doesn't have to be a Vimeo tie-in. Yeah.

He's just like just giving them an idea. like you guys should do videos on college humor well before 2007 like the college humor was viral videos it's like a guy getting hit with a shovel at a party yeah and articles so this is like this is basically he i don't know. He had the idea for like Vine. Yeah. Just like – just tell him to shoot funny shit in the office and we'll put it on the homepage. Put it on – yeah. I mean because to us – I remember videos were like – I mean they were very high effort like to do anything on a video. Now it's nothing. But like a College Humor original took like several months to make.

Yeah, like the Mementos ad was like highly produced. But like me, you, and Streeter. Wasn't there like one where like Streeter was doing a character? Yeah. And he was like on the fire escape like pretending to masturbate in front of all of New York City or something like that. I think that one was before my time. I remember that video, but it was before i got there yeah all right wow it's gonna be hard to top inconceivable yeah man good luck with the fruitful

yield of that really salacious conversation i assume we can read all these emails because they're 17 years old at this point. I think so. I think so. I want you to search sponge cake. Two words but in quotations, so it has to be one thing. Okay. Quotation, sponge, space, cake, end quote. Okay. So I have eight emails. Okay. Quotation, sponge, space, cake, end quote. Okay. So I have eight emails.

Okay. That's pretty good. It looks like all of them are from lonely and horny scripts. So because we wrote it into a script, enough drafts passed through your email eight times that it's all from that. Sponge cake. Right. And it's with you and this, we mentioned this last week, Ruby and Tag, the line is,

please dude, drop it. I'm going to eat a massive dinner tonight. Glazed pheasant in the Scottish fashion, rabbit and carrot stew, an East German sponge cake, and wash it down with a bottle of brandy wine. I will undo what you did and more i did not want to feel good or happy oh what a jerk yeah that's the only email with sponge cake yes uh well there's you know there's eight of them but they're all they're scripts yeah yeah yeah all right getting closer not quite

the one-er so two two words is on the table yeah obviously you brought the phrase or term um so i will uh search white discharge i will search, the word, the phrasing is... You slut. I will search the phrasing, how dare you. The phrasing is, quote, you... Ruined.

Space passionately. You passionately. No results. Yeah. You're just hoping to find some sort of romantic. Yeah. I love you passionately.

I want to fuck you passionately. Yeah. I guess you don't really have that, that heart in you. I'll go right back to you then. Quote you passionately for you. That's not fair. Let's see what you got. I will look it up because I'm curious,

but you can't do the same thing. No, none. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. Isn't the pot calling the kettle passionately? Okay. Two words is on the table?

Okay, I got one. Fine. Broken promise. Two words. Oh, my God. Broken promise. That's so fucking sad. Please, no results.

Thank God. One result from NRDC Insider. A broken promise. A grave mistake. Trump's reckless move on Paris from June 2017. From the NRA. Yeah. Okay. Right back on you. Broken promise. Wow. Here we go. I guess it does sound a little too poetic. Yeah, one from Planned Parenthood and one from the DNC headquarters. Broken Promise was when you requested all of your donated money to Planned Parenthood back, right? Hey, I did this for like a tax thing, but now that it's January, I was wondering. And now that I got the write-off, I'm wondering if I can have the cash back.

It doesn't seem like you have anything to fight for anyway. All right. Whose turn is it? Mine. Hot sex. Hot sex. Hot space. Hot sex.

Hot space. Sex. 15. A lot of them lonely and horny episodes. Damn it. Give me amazing sex. 15. A lot of them lonely and horny episodes. Damn it. Give me amazing sex. Okay. Jake and Amir.

We're getting some Jake and Amir scripts. We're getting some old college humor. Interns. Half birthday sex. Movie ideas. Yeah. Nothing salacious. You sure?

For you all do, quote, really fun time, end quote. Three? That's like you're looking for like a breakup one? Now we're just trying to search ways to embarrass one another. Just search really fun time, but ultimately end quote. Search my ex-girlfriend's name. It doesn't really, yeah, nothing. No quote really fun time?

No. I mean, there are really fun times. There's just nothing salacious. There's like a recommendation for stuff to do in Sydney, a reservation for a mountain, for it looks like a Airbnb maybe. Oh yeah, Airbnb. Jake and Amir, kind of funny. It looks like we had a meeting

with a production company in 2015. Did we ever sell that idea, I wonder? I don't know what it was it yeah oh it looks like it was just me i wonder what uh what the hell yeah that's interesting hey don't tell amir this yeah no there's nothing there um breaking up with me. All one sentence? All one sentence crying. Breaking up with me. Breaking up with me. Yeah.

I mean, there's a lot of forwarded emails from our If I Were You Gmail. Oh, yeah. There you go. Yeah. And scripts, a lot of scripts that were sent back and forth. Okay, let's try to go back to the one word. One word for each of us. Inconceivable was good.

Inconceivable was good. Like a rare word rather than a phrase. Surprisingly. Surprisingly. Okay. Surprisingly. Too many. Way too many.

How about unsurprisingly? Okay. A little better. 51. That's pretty bad. Still not as good as inconceivable. Yeah. Inconceivable, goaded. All right.

Give me one more. Okay. I'll get one more each. Black magic, all one word black magic um it's a bnh order confirmation black magic camera yeah but is it at least one email it is two emails actually there's also one from the Okay. Because you got a black magic set. Black pants, I guess. Introducing the premium black pants. Okay.

Love Bunny. One last word. Love Bunny. All one word. Love Bunny. Love Bunny. I can't imagine. Yeah, neither can I.

Yeah, it's not happening. Zero. Inconceivable was perfect. Inconceivable was the goat. We got there early. It yielded a great result. Yeah. So don't be upset.

But that's going to happen. It just shows you how this is all fully improvised. We don't know what it's going to yield until it happens. That's right. And sometimes the best stuff happens right as soon as we start the game. That's going to happen. Okay, let's take another break. Come back with our last segment.

A game. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. With Audible, there's more to imagine when you listen. Whether you listen to stories, motivation, expert advice, any genre you love, you can be inspired to imagine new worlds,

new possibilities, new ways of thinking. And Audible makes it easy to be inspired and entertained as a part of your everyday routine without needing to set aside extra time. As an Audible member, you choose one title a month to keep from their ever-growing catalog. Explore themes of friendship, loss, and hope with remarkably bright creatures by Shelby Van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial, and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. And we're back.

Yes, we are. And it's time for Real Line, Fake Line, Come Edition. What? The word that I am focusing on is every time we said come in a Jake in a mirror. Okay. And is it more or less than million? It's less than million. You know, the Hootie Allen videos go without saying.

We said it many times. Armour come, yeah. Yeah. Okay. First line. Get off your high horse, you low dog. Who amongst us hasn't

come in a bath? Never said that. That's correct. You never did say that. High horse and low dog had me thinking. It's pretty good, right? Yeah.

It definitely sounds like something I once said and forgot about. Yeah. I should have done something better with that second line. All right. Next line. She's going to come. She's going to come. You love her.

She's going to come. You love her. I'll say that's real from like a table read video. It's not from a table read video. It is from Jake and Amir push-up contest. That's right. Yup and down, yup and down. Yeah, then you start, I guess, talking some erotic fantasy of yours.

While you're doing push-ups, everyone's like, yeah, urging their partner on, and then everyone sort of starts getting quiet while I'm yelling erotic fan fiction at you. You love her. You're inside each other. It was like all about simultaneously coming at somebody. Is this forever? Forever isn't long enough.

Pretty good. Okay. Number one, it's fun to come, especially if it helps you get some. That could be a scroll. Number one, it's fun to come. Number one, it's fun to come. Number one, it's fun to come, especially if it helps you get some. I'll say that's not true.

Fake line. Damn. It's not true. I thought it was extra dumb because since when does coming help you get any? Yeah. I mean, that is something I would put in a scroll about butt chugging or something, but I guess, yeah, it's okay. Said like Captain Jack Sparrow, where's the cum gone? Like, where's the rum gone?

Yes. Where's the cum gone? I think that's also never been said. That's correct. Never been said. Never been said. That's correct. Never been said. Never been said. Perfect so far. You are.

Okay. Then you say, let's just play Mad Libs, or as I call them, Happy Libs, because they make me cum. I think that's true i think that's a real line because you go they make me and then you say happy and i go come yeah yeah that's exactly right yes we say it simultaneously so yeah simultaneous orgasm holding mad lips okay let's just play mad lips, or as I call them, happy lips, because they make me simultaneous with me. You say cum, I say happy. Then after a short pause, you say happy. You nailed it. Final cum-based question.

Okay. This is for the perfect score. Never happened before. Okay, that's very hot. I might lose a little cum myself. Oh, that's real. Yeah, that's very hot i might lose a little cum myself oh that's real yeah that's from i might i think that is from one of the table read episodes isn't it that's exactly correct from the table read yeah you got every single cum baseline i guess they're just more memorable

like that yeah exactly or unmemorable based on the ones. Although there were a few fake ones that I definitely thought were real. Whereas the Kumgon I really thought was going to get you. Yeah, that definitely sounds like something. If we haven't used it, we can easily do it. Of me walking into like the AVN Awards dressed as

Captain Jack Sparrow. With your dick out blurred. Where's the dick blurred. With the something about Mary hair. Alright. Solid. I'm just realizing this episode comes out on your birthday. Oh wow. We should have been.

Yeah, your birthday is on a Monday, August 5th. Yeah, today is my birthday then. A Monday birthday. Do you know how you'll celebrate? You know, I was actually born on a Monday, August 5th. Yeah. Today is my birthday then. A Monday birthday. Do you know how you'll celebrate? You know, I was actually born on a Monday. I was born on Monday, August 5th, 1985. Interesting. So this is – I thought it happens in seven-year cycles, but this is your 39th birthday.

Yeah. Maybe there was a leap year or two in there that nudged it along further. Exactly. It must be. Do you celebrate the weekend before? Do you do something the night of? I don't really – I'm not like a big birthday celebration guy. So I think I'll do – I always like to just do like a family dinner the night of my birthday.

Maybe I'll do – Monday night. My vision was that I want to do a 39 mile bike ride so it's like i ride for a mile for every year yeah and aside from that i just want to hang out with my baby my dog and my wife the big loser yeah yeah not even your fucking brother well i'll go on the bike ride with Micah. That's awesome. Yeah. It'd be funny if like you take an epic fucking spill on like mile 38. Like you fucking Superman or whatever it's called. And you like literally and figuratively never make it to 39.

Do you know what I mean? I was going to say literally and figuratively eat shit. Like you fucking like your wheels get like in one of those like cracks. Superman that hoe. I don't poo. And then I'm, yeah. A mound of. And then like into fucking manure.

Yeah. Where like literally it is in you by the end. Easily eating. Yeah. Literally, it is in you by the end. Easily eating. Almost like you swallow it out of a Pavlovian reflex to shit being in your mouth. What are you going to get me for my birthday? What gift are you going to get me for my birthday? I got you a gift. What gift will you get me?

What did you get me? I can't remember now, but I think I got you something. Oh, you got me tennis lessons that I didn't use. That's right. That's right. I did get you tennis lessons that you didn't use. That means you didn't get me anything because I never took the lessons. You never got charged. It was not cash. I Venmoed him. It was not. Get that money back. He absolutely did not fulfill his promise. He did not. Well, you didn't fulfill the promise. He did not pay in kind. I paid in kind. You didn't give your time. Venmo request full refund.

How about I personally request that you go get the tennis lessons? Because you're not a pro. You're not a pro. Shift it over to a TaskRabbit to help me put the wallpaper. To help me mount the TV. It's too heavy to remove. I need the Prime because I am past my Prime. I don't have the tools.

I don't have the wherewithal to get it done. And I need help. Is that too much to ask? I have a couple of things that I would like. So you can text me on the side, on the sly. I'll send you, I'll make an Amazon wishlist. How about that? I saw that.

Your OnlyFans already had one of those. Yeah. Have you been getting those? Have those been coming in? Nobody. So my OnlyFans I heard is in the bottom one. It's like the least subscribed to OnlyFans and it is free. It's free to subscribe.

And it's all, I'm just trying to build that base so i can charge on a per message basis like because it's all about unlock this photo yeah yeah um but i can't gain a subscriber i can't get so i also got traffic data from my amazon wish list wish list it's never been visited not even clicked on not even by you i by you? To see if the link works? Yeah. I mean, I click on it all the time, but I think it logged my IP address before it was actually... So it's not counting

towards a unique impression. All that's on there is a razor scooter. A scrub dad. A latex suit with a ball gag and a razor scooter so I can make some really hot content. Don't make me invest in myself because I don't want to go already more in the red than I actually am. I paid someone to set up this OnlyFans.

I paid someone to design it. Yes. I should have used Squarespace. I really should have used Squarespace. I really should have used Squarespace. Okay. All right. That's it. That's your birthday episode.

I don't know how many episodes have come out on your actual birthday, but this might be a once in a lifetime event. Yeah, it's pretty exciting. We should have had an entire segment based on, like, you know, my oral history or my favorite birthdays or what I want, what makes me happy, how I feel about aging. There was so much to unpack and discuss. And it would have been a nice time for people to reflect about me. But instead, they're going to listen to this whole episode. You're turning 40 on Monday, not 39.

So I lied about my age to try to drive up subscribers on my OnlyFans. Yeah, because once you're over 40, you're technically a dilf. Right. And like that puts me in this fucking category. That I can't compete with. Yeah. The dilfs are-

Everybody there has dad bods. Yeah. I'm not there. And I have a sad bod. Yeah. All right. Thank you for listening. Thank you for watching.

Of course, we're on YouTube as always. And we're still on Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. Ja. Watching and sometimes writing Jake and Amir videos. That's right. And actually, all I want for my birthday is for you to subscribe to the Patreon. Me?

Yeah. Fine. It's awesome. This sucks though. Now we're splitting your money. Now we're splitting hairs. And we'll be back next week. Woo!

Which will I guess be August 12th, somebody else's birthday probably. Hope so. All right. Ciao for now, everybody. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.