Segments - 401: The Godfather

Episode Date: September 23, 2019

In this episode we discuss flirtatious dads and depressed teens. We also debut a new potential segment!For more advice, check out our Patreon for bonus Thursday video episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. I think I'm doing okay, but I want your advice Am I a dick, am I a dick or am I right? I can't pretend I don't care, I need to know what to do Do you think I deserve this? I'd like to seize the cheese Now I need like to seize the cheese, now I need you to juice

I'm trying to decide it, am I right or am I wrong? When you read this, call me Crandis in my Coydiva song If you praise me, I'll be chuffed, I'll be cheesed If you hate me, I'll burn my MeUndies. Toda. Toda. If I were you at gmail.com. Toda.

If I were you at gmail.com. Toda. That was incredible. I have no notes. Bravo. Brava. I have no notes. Bravo. Brava. I wish he changed the song to be a little bit more about us. It's the only thing.

It was fully changed to be about us. No, because Addicted was still there. And it was an amazing acoustic cover parody of a Simple Plan song. Yeah, the music came from something else, and then he kind of tweaked the language, the verbiage, basically, to be about our show. Kind of. You're being such an asshole. He tweaked the language, the verbiage, basically, to be about our show. Kind of. You're being such an asshole. He tweaked it so much.

It was full of inside jokes. What did he say? Brandis? Yeah. That's not in the original? What are you talking about? Yeah, no, it's not in the original. I'm addicted.

That part is the same, right? I'm a dick or am I right? Yeah. It's different. It's fully different. It's fully different it's about our name then what does the email say and why don't we see like yeah the email was like i i kind of changed the song but not really no way no fucking way you said that you're you're twisting it to your to your purpose you want it verbatim yeah uh. My name is Nick Goldston, and I'd

like to give a huge shout out to Jake for being so good looking and honestly pretty chill. He deserves every golden mic he's ever won. Oh, so I see. What? So you're being an asshole to him. You're projecting. You're

feeling insecure, and now you're trying to belittle him by saying the song wasn't that good. But the song was really good. It was objectively great. Day one earned big fan. Okay, so that's really nice. Of what?

Well, I guess he said that I was really good looking, so I suppose he's a really big fan of me. And I mean our show. So by proxy, in a way, he's a fan of you, even though you don't see it. Let's start from the top, and I'll choose a different song. It's not going to count. Because people will be like, they just played a real song. We don't have don't see him. Let's start from the top, and I'll choose a different song. It's not going to count. Because people will be like, they just played a real song. We don't have a lot of time.

We heard a song. We should just jump into the episode or something. But this is the beginning of the next 400-episode chunk. Right. And for it to start off in this weird sour note because of whatever, Dick Goldstein. What do you mean start off? You've been sour for for For years and years Yeah

It's not like We've had it perfect And then episode 400 You turn into A little bit of a Needling Yeah A diva

Dickling ass man I'm thinking of being A little more A roach of a boy I think this is gonna be My diva century Yeah right I mean you've

Always been a diva Yeah but now You've always been A classless assless Freak flag Diva Yeah I want my diva flag To flow for like The next hundred spots I want your diva flag Yeah, but now I'm sort of embracing my freak flag. Diva. Yeah, I want my diva flag to flow for like the next hundred spots.

I want your diva flag to fly limp. It's half masked. And half cocked. Half hard. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. You know, 400 episodes and HeadGum is four. Wow.

It's kind of interesting. We had our four-year anniversary party last night. Last night? Yeah, so this is the beginning of HeadGum's fifth year and the beginning of our 500th episode, which is kind of a coincidence. We don't do 100 episodes a year. Right. That's a beautiful coincidence that overtakes me with nostalgia and melancholy in a way. I'm sorry to hear that. It's a powerful realization. Why? That makes me feel small in its presenceoly in a way. I'm sorry to hear that. It's a powerful realization. Why?

That makes me feel small in its presence. How many episodes of D&D? That's a good question. I think like 80, 79 or 80. But those 79 episodes have more hours than If I Were You. You think so? Because every episode is four and a half hours long, right? We do do a lot of like over two hour episodes.

There we go. So it's like double. Yeah. Still not quite 400. Not quite 400. We got a lot of over two-hour episodes. There we go. So it's like double. Yeah. Still not quite 400. Not quite 400. We got a bunch of segment ideas. In our last episode, we were talking about how this podcast even came to be and then started brainstorming possible segment ideas.

So you wanted to pilot some out today? Yeah. Well, we got some good ones, actually. I don't know if we do it now or we save it till later. Let's do it after the break. But let's do the bibliography. Okay. All right. right the bibliography is some questions obviously one or two yeah then we are gonna take a break come back segment idea so instead of unsolicited advice it's a nice soothing way to like this now you're if you're on your commute if you're washing dishes uh this is what's

gonna happen yeah podcast okay don't fall asleep at the, but this should lull you into a stupor where you sort of zone out the botany of a commute. Okay? Okay. So we'll be answering two questions that have to do with? Dads. Dads. Two dad-related questions.

Yeah. And then we'll be taking a quick break, thanking some sponsors. Okay. Coming back. Yeah, I already said this part. You don't have to like... Now we're rehashing my rehash. and then we'll be taking a quick break thanking some sponsors coming back yeah I already said this part you don't have to like now we're rehashing

my rehash I want to like do the set up the scene contents that's what I did you called it a bibliography earlier which I don't think

is correct that goes at the end of the episode it's like works cited right yeah no it's a table of contents so let's obviously that'll all

be edited out I imagine on the day every mistake is kept on the day all right so like just to recap the table of contents uh to recap what i'm trying to say what we'll be discussing today you keep on interrupting me being like all right it's not called the table of contents and actually it is called the table of contents i said it's not called bibliography you said it was a bibliography i did not say it was a bibliography you're gonna have to edit it you should probably edit that out because i'm not editing anything out it's not called bibliography. You said it was a bibliography. No, I did not say it was a bibliography. You're going to have to edit it out.

You said bibliography. You should probably edit that out. I'm not editing anything out. It's all staying in. Everything is in. We'll be answering two dad-related questions. Yeah, we already said that. Going to a quick commercial break.

Yes, we know the break. And I'll come back and we'll do a segment. But then we'll come back. By the way, we're running out of time. I don't know if we'll be able to do this stuff. We'll come back. We'll do unsung table of contents. Can I get through this without being interrupted?

Yeah. We're going to answer two. Don't start with the dad questions. Do not start with the dad questions. Okay. I just want to get through without being interrupted is the only thing. Yes. We'll be starting with two dad related questions.

Then we'll be going to a commercial break where we'll thank a sponsor. You're staring daggers at me. It's like the same as interrupting. Okay? All right. Take it from where you thought I was staring daggers at you. From the fucking jump. We'll be answering two daggers.

Two dag questions. We're going to answer two fucking dag questions. We're going to take a break. Maybe. We have to go to break now, actually. and no more segment ideas oh wow yeah i remember my microphone just broke that's okay yep no it's all right head gun has fallen apart at the seams at four that's okay we weren't built to last four years old the time at which most businesses crumble all right here's a fun one um this guy moved from florida to wisconsin so we'll call him aaron rogers nice is aaron rogers from florida

no he's from california actually cool i need you to help to cold though yeah i need you to help i need your help on this one i've been listening and watching you guys since the jake and amir days i was only 11 back then holy shit wow anyway i moved from florida to wisconsin so i can be Holy shit. Wow. Anyway, I moved from Florida to Wisconsin so I can be reunited with my girlfriend and get a job as a sous chef that I've been trying to get. Anywho, long story short, my former employee and I are still pretty good friends and text very often. She's pretty chill and always talks to me about her relationships. She has a pretty bad taste in men to date, though, so I'm rooting for her to find someone good one day.

She sent me a text just now saying that my dad was totally hitting on her and was trying to get it in. I don't believe her, and I still kind of don't, but maybe she's right? Maybe I'm wrong? I don't know. Please help. And then he sends the text messages that this girl

ex-friend sent oh god um so the girl writes so your dad totally hit on me yesterday and he goes no he didn't and then the face that's the eyes are a dash and then the mouth is one long dash so it looks like three lines and she goes i swear i he asked if i had a boyfriend and why i didn't and that if i was ever in jacksonville to let him know and the guy responds my dad's married and has this and is super conservative christian and then a gif of megan mulally cracking up because he searched lmao dead as a gif search and then she goes ha ha ha well maybe not anymore and the guy writes i don't believe you lmfao oh it's so sad and she goes you should i swear he said he's

got a one bedroom in jacksonville the ground he's standing on is crumbling at this moment and the guy goes so if i ask him tomorrow he will tell me the truth lmao and the lady says i mean i don't know lol he supposedly isn't going with his wife the kid says i can't stand his wife though lol she's annoying so i guess the dad remarried interesting she goes well she won't be around lol and the guy says i'll keep my ears posted lol and then she says lol i mean i told him i talked to you so idk why he would think i wouldn't tell you and then the guy does a few shrugging emoji emojis and says that's funny af though lol and she says yeah awkward and he says i still mildly don't believe you but but at the same time, low-key will die laughing if true.

And she says, better start dying. Mild, wait, you said mild don't believe you? Yeah, I mildly don't believe you, but at the same time, low-key will die laughing if true. Low-key will die laughing. I swear if my dad cheats on his wife with you, I will low-key crack up to death. Like, everything I know is

about him being conservative and Christian, lol. I'm feeling mild and low-key. Like, everything I know to be true is wrong, Raffle, I think. LMAO. Yeah, he said he wanted to fuck me. I'm dying if that's true.

You're shaking me to my core. Megan Mullally gift. Are you for real, though? Because it's kind of like the conservative Christian thing is still a real big sticking point for me. S-M-H-L-O-L. I'm fucking shaking my head right now. Do you think the dad actually did that? I don't know.

I guess I do. It's a weird thing for her to make up. Right. And there's not any ambiguity between them about, are you sure it was my dad? So they must know. She's like, I know your dad. Yeah.

And he said, it's so specific. He said, do you have a boyfriend why not i've got a one bedroom in jacksonville yeah do you have a boyfriend why not it's like that seems like it can definitely be like just a parent uh pressing a weird boundary even though they have like good intentions you know like just waiting too far into your business. It could be like a compliment. The one bedroom in Jacksonville is high-key creepy. And I'll be mildly sketched out if true. LOL. So many LOLs.

Every single message had one at the top or bottom for about seven texts in a row. How's that for insecurity? LOL. No, I'm not taking any of this seriously, LOL. Do you ask your dad? Would you ask your dad? Yeah, I would. It's so embarrassing.

I know. But like, regardless of if it's true. It's, yeah, I think, here's my question. Would you tell someone, if someone's mom was hitting on me, I would not go to them and be like, your mom was hitting on me.

Because you're not going to do anything about it. It is just like, unless he crosses a line and you're like, you have to tell him to stop. If she's like, no, this was funny, it was awkward, then I think it like makes it more awkward to tell somebody. And also she hasn't like denied wanting to do anything about it either.

Right. Yeah, it's awkward. It's so random. He really did it. And he mentioned that she has bad taste in men and her liking this guy's dad would be an example of said bad taste, I imagine. Yeah. Would this guy be pissed if this an example of said bad taste i imagine yeah would this guy be pissed if this girl acted on it would this girl ever act on it right i wonder maybe you

asked the dad like questions around that but not specifically that oh you could say like i heard you ran into uh hex yeah i heard you ran into Aaron Rodgers. Yeah. Or whatever those girls' names are. Yeah. I heard you ran into my friend, and then see what he gives you. Yeah. Yeah, I tried to fuck her. But, like, maybe he'll be like, no, I didn't. I wasn't there.

And then he could be like, that wasn't my dad. It wasn't my dad! I swear he's conservative Christian. Or if the dad says, no, I didn't. And then, like, she's like, yes, he did. He was there. The plot will thick. Yeah, the plot thicks.

I wonder if we'll get a follow-up pup from this situation. Yeah, I would ask. I would just be like, I heard you ran into so-and-so. See what he says.

See how he behaves. And then you press it a little more. She said you were flirting with her. Flirting with her is a fun way, because hitting on her

sounds like you wouldn't want to, you wouldn't take the bait on that. It's like, she said you guys were flirting. Then he could, then like,

you almost want to fess up because it sounds like you did well. Right. Oh yeah, oh, we know we flirted, but it was harmless.

Harmless flirting, but there's no harmless hitting. And that opens the door to him admitting that, like, there was a flirtation or him hitting on her. Yeah.

And then after that, you really hammer it home. It's like, oh, yeah, she said you guys flirted. It's like, oh, well, it was innocent, but we flirted a little bit. Ha, ha, ha. She said you told her you had a one-bedroom apartment in Jacksonville. And then he's caught. And at that point, you show up to the one-bedroom. You have her say, yeah, I'll meet you there.

Oh, you could do a sting operation. Yeah. And then you show up with not only your mother, but the current lady and his friend. And your priest, your reverend, your chaplain. Is this considered conservative Christian behavior? And a Make America Great Again hat. Yeah. Why don't you be more like our leader, our fearless leader, who actually loves the Bible?

More than anyone, I think. He reads it a lot. Do you see that video recently where somebody asked him what his favorite verse was? And he's like, oh, I can't answer that. He's like, well, just name what's your favorite part, like Old Testament, New Testament. He's like, I like them both equally. He set them up with such a softball question. Do you like the old or new more?

Both. Yeah, you really have to know jack shit to like not be able to make a choice on old or new. Just say new. Yeah. Easy. All right, next question, also about a dad. This guy's pronouns, I guess it's not this guy. It says my pronouns are they, them.

All right. What is a pronoun if the person is they, them? So I say their pronoun. Their pronoun. Is they, them. Cool. So we'll call they, them, Theodore. Nice.

Writes, hi, Jake and Amir and Kobe. I'm 24 and I moved back in with my parents after graduating college two and a half years ago. I'm finally moving out moved back in with my parents after graduating college two and a half years ago. I'm finally moving out, or trying to anyway. I've had the keys to my new house for two weeks and I still haven't gotten to unpack anything because my dad keeps coming over when I'm not home and quote fixing things around the house. Everything he's doing is stuff I don't need done. Today he went over to unpack my kitchen stuff and discovered that he added a fake wall, a new shelf, and added Jesus. It'll be, I took down the fake wall and now I have to spackle and repaint the actual wall and sand and peel putty off my bookcase. I'm nervous to remove the molding because it might be more work to undo everything. Every time he helps, it makes even more work undoing the things and some stuff is just permanently ruined.

How do I get him to stop working on my house? Do I take my key back? Did they buy this house? I might have missed that part. No. They just moved out. Yeah. Just the child moved out. Got it.

The child moved away from his parents, and the dad is like- Their parents. I'll build a- That's right. Their parents. Get with it. The dad is like- You fucking pence.

You little pence bitch. Whoa. You can't say bitch. Shit. Even when somebody's being a pence bitch? Yeah, especially that. Then the dad keeps coming over, and it is like, I'll build a wall. Now you have to build a wall.

All right, I'll re-spackle. All right, I'll create molding. I wonder, like, if they're paying rent, they could just kind of tell the landlord. Oh, like, hey, this guy keeps fucking coming over and building walls and shit. I don't know who this fucking landlord shoots him i think you can you can like ask your dad i mean that's just if you're paying rent uh you could ask your dad to stop and and be like it's not just me like i the landlord does not want to make any more changes that's good good. You blame somebody else. I was going to say ask your mom to talk to your dad.

That way it's not coming directly from you. That's true. But not everybody's mom is around. All right. You ask a surrogate to talk to your dad. You find a new mom. That's okay. So step one, you need a mom.

Right. Okay. Which this person might have. Totally. But if not, we get a mom. Okay. It can be any mom to talk to your dad. A stranger, a stranger's mother.

From a mom to a dad means a lot. You're crying. It's just so cool to be a mother and a dad. You're neither. What? You're neither. I'm not even a fucking uncle. You know how sad that is?

I'm not even a friend's, that know how sad that is? I'm not even a friend that has kids' uncle. A godfather? Why can't I be a fucking godfather? Who I know that had kids that didn't make me the fucking godfather? Lots of people. Streeters. Yeah. You can't give me a fucking godfather?

Of course not. Aren't you the godfather? It's such a huge responsibility. You're a godfather, right? I'm not a godfather, but I'm an uncle. I'm a funcular. If anybody listening is having a baby and they want me to be the godfather, hit me up. And then you'll just take care of the baby should something happen to the parents?

Yeah, I mean, it's all more like, I think it's more like a title and that kind of thing. Yeah, this is after the parents die. Like, all right, so you have to take care. Honestly, like the godfather thing was a bit slash joke. And I don't know. This kid's nine now. I mean, it's way past its prime. It's not adorable at all anymore.

No offense, Billy. But you're toothless and the ones that are growing in are growing in fucking crooked. What do you want me to pay for fucking braces? Yeah, I'm not going to do an orthodontist thing. I just want it to be your godfather. That's an expense I can't bear, Billy. You get that. And as your godfather, I'm going to put you up for, let's say, adoption, I think.

A godchin. Nice. Not really. An adopted godfather. So you just pawn him off on another godfather. Oh, if I become, so if a godfather becomes the father, like if I'm a godfather and something happens to the parents, I get the baby, I'm the godfather. I have to name a new godfather.

And if something happened to me, that godfather would be the new father. And like this thing that happened to me could just be that like I didn't want to take care of the kid. Yeah. This is why you're not going to be a godfather. You're already trying to get out of it. I'm just saying, I'm not trying to get out of it. But like, if it comes to, if like the hens come home to roost.

Yeah. And I actually have to take care of the thing. I'm not interested. The thing, yeah. The little monster. The devil that's come to ruin my life. Nobody make me a godfather. Not even as a joke.

I can't even keep a fucking succulent alive. They don't even need water. I think what I would do in this situation is, I feel like he's not going to stop. So it's almost like if you meet your dad where he is, if like you're starting from one end of the spectrum, I want you to not touch my house. Yeah.

And he's starting from the other end of the spectrum, I really want to help with the house. Yeah. You might be able to have him help with the stuff that you need help with. You're like, I don't want walls, but I have a leaky sink

or I want to change the shower head on my shower. Oh, I see. I feel like the dad is using this to process his kid moving away. Yeah, like I'm still involved. Right. And I don't think he's going to,

it's going to be like an ongoing thing like where he changes your house every single day that you're gone. There's only so many walls you can build up. Yeah. High emotional walls. Yeah. I think that you, like,

I understand the want, the need to be like independent, but you're also, you are being independent. You've moved out and that's pretty solid. And your dad is just like processing it in this weird way. And you might not be able to get him to fully stop, but you can kind of direct and coach him by knowing that he's hell bent on

helping you somehow. Just not in the way that he wants. But so if you're like, he doesn't know where to put his energy and his anxiety. So help him direct it in a way that's useful for the both of you guys. All right. There you have it. Two dad questions and now a break.

Thanks, some sponsors. And then we'll come back. With a potential segment. No, first unsolicited advice. Oh, we're still doing unsolicited. Oh, are we retiring unsolicited advice? Not really retiring, but I figured this segment would take its place. Unless you have one.

I don't know. We might. I have to redo the table of contents if this is the situation never mind we'll be back thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to movie Freaky Friday? Yeah.

How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday.

So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like a full body swap. Right. Mostly, you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we are back. Jake, do you have any... Oh, it's a lift!

Yeah, that's right! Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. Going on a long drive or a short drive, you can bring a Gatorade bottle and you can pee in it on the road. Thanks, everybody. For a short drive? Sometimes. I like to have a Gatorade bottle by my...

Well, if it's in my car, there's always a Gatorade bottle for me to pee into should it become an emergency. Okay, so you're in LA. You're just visiting. So you rented a car? Rented a car. And then do you buy Gatorade anywhere or you get Gatorade knowing that you'll have to take a piss in a car? If I have an hour-long car ride, I bring a Gatorade bottle. An hour.

Yeah. Can't quite make it through the hour-long car ride. No. No fucking chance. I mean, sometimes I can, but... You're talking about, like, sometimes... Like, in an off chance, I won't have to piss in a Gatorade bottle. I mean, sure, can, but... You're talking about it like sometimes, like in an off chance, I won't have to piss in a Gatorade bottle.

I mean, sure, it's a possibility. I'll always have to pee when you leave. I pee, oh, yeah. You pee when you leave and then you take an hour long car ride and you have to pee during the ride. I pee during the ride and then I pee as soon as I get to a place too.

Got it. So, have you ever done it with somebody else in the car? Peed into a Gatorade bottle? Yeah. Yeah, All the time. Have I done it with you in the car? I don't know if I remember that. I think, I think I did it with you in the car before. On a drive from the office to our old house. You're seeing Lafayette too. So it was really close. It was 20 minutes. Do you ever do it as a passenger or just as a driver? I do it as a passenger. I did it on my road trip in Alaska a bunch.

If I'm like on a road trip with my brother. I've done it with Jillian in the car. Have you ever pissed into a piss bottle? What do you mean a piss bottle? Don't get offended, by the way. I was talking about shitting into a fucking glass. I'm genuinely curious. Have you ever used a bottle that's already

half filled with piss or is it only for empties no I've never peed into one that I had already I usually dump it out after I pee into it dump it out on the ground and then how far deep does your dick go

are you hovering over the opening or are you completely fucking this bottle? Or like, are you trying to find out? I put my dick fully into the bottle. Fully in. So that's lid touching your mouth. So that's an inch and a half. Nice! No, I put just the head into the

bottle. Oh, just the head. Yeah. And this is while you're driving. Yeah. Kind of dangerous a little bit. It's really dangerous. I don't, the fastest I've ever gone, like, when i was on a road trip across the country by myself i did it like going 65 miles per hour but it was like dead of night no traffic so you pee but then you have to hold on to the steering wheel while you do it so one hand on the bottle one hand on the steering wheel i sort of like lean back in my seat yeah Yeah. It's almost like standing and I raise my butt up just a little bit, supporting myself kind of like on the back of my thighs.

Yeah. Put the bottle on the seat, angle towards me, pee into the bottle. There's got to be some splashing going on because it's like plastic stream hitting the bottle itself no it's pretty contained i mean the old the thing that sometimes will happen is like your your dick is sort of like at an angle to pee into the bottle and like you think it all comes out but then you like put it back in your pants and you get like a little spurt or squirt there was one time where i like thought i was peeing. I was peeing into a water bottle. This is before, this is why my unsolicited advice

is the Gatorade bottle. Wider mouth. The wider mouth is the right size. It's peeing into like a Poland spring bottle. Oh, that's a small hole. And I was sure that I was like good. And just like, and I started peeing. And next day I just felt like my ass was like so warm and wet.

I was like, oh my God. I peed just straight onto the seat. Straight onto the seat. You pissed yourself. You pissed yourself that day. Don't say you missed the bottle. Well, my dick was out of my pants, so I didn't piss in my pants.

I pissed on my pants. Yeah, but onto the seat, sliding down through your ass crevice. Slightly worse, yeah. Yeah, totally. And then you arrived to where you need to be. Well, that day I drove straight to like a CVS and I got some resolve so I could clean my car. Yeah.

But yeah, no, I mean, it's embarrassing for sure. I have a small bladder. Do you ever, have you ever looked into it medically? No, because I'm not interested in like take... I guess maybe I should, but I feel like it would be the kind of thing where I like had to take a pill every day or something. Yeah, you wouldn't do one pill every day to just pee four times a day?

No, a pill, that's just like... You'd rather piss into the bottle. You think that's less interesting? It seems like a whole thing. Unlike going to a gas station just to get a Gatorade bottle so I can piss in it. Do you drink the Gatorade? Does that mean you're drinking

more Gatorade now? No, it depends. I mean, if it's my car at home, I, you know, it's been the same bottle for months. Oh, you reuse it. Yeah, I keep that bottle in my seat.

I feel, I think we talked about this on the show. You have a toilet. I've been lambasted by you before. You have a portable toilet in your car. Yeah. Have you ever taken a dump in a Soylent bottle? A log into a coffee.

A mocha coffee is. And a fucking diarrhea. I could turn any Soylent into a mocha coffee is. There's gotta be a point in time where you're going to like accidentally drink piss. Yeah. I couldn't. Or somebody else. Someone else more likely.

Dumber style. I know every time that there's a Gatorade bottle that it's pit for piss. Yeah. Do you get yellow Gatorade? Yeah, I do. Oh. Because that also is like, that saves me when I'm like, like when I'm driving and need to dump it out.

It just kind of looks like I'm getting rid of warm Gatorade. But that'll do that regardless of what color Gatorade you get. Oh, that's actually very true. Sorry. Yeah, no, you're right. It's not like, whoa, that was yellow Gatorade. Let me see your fucking receipt or I'll think it's piss. Yeah.

This was blue Gatorade. You're under arrest. What? Dogs piss on the ground, officer. How is that any fucking different? Because you dumped out your urine in a library. Oh, I get that. Sue me.

I will. Really? Yeah. I don't have a lot of cash to my name. Of course. You're a homeless person that pisses into gatorade bottles been sued before is all um all right new segment idea taken from let me find this guy this guy actually provided us with a bunch of segment ideas great uh grayson miller writes uh ideas for segment segment pitches it broken into easy medium and hard easy steal from

game shows price is right style amir is really good at math the newlywed game how well do you know each other another easy one that i want to do steal for morning radio talk shows aka pick a weird recent study and neg on it you know those studies that's like best city to move to. I never really thought of it, but I do often hear like morning radio shows like, a recent study suggests. And so I was like, how do people find those studies? Are they made just as like TV and radio fodder?

So I did a Twitter search. For recent studies? Yeah. I did, a recent study suggests. And there's a bunch of them that people tweet about. Very interesting. Here's one bunch of them that people tweet about. Very interesting. Here's one that's the most apropos. According to KCRG.com, high school students who don't date are less depressed than their counterparts who do.

Hmm. That's right. A recent study published in the Journal of School of Health reveals that adolescents who choose not to date fare as well as, or even better than, their coupled counterparts in social and leadership skills. They're also less depressed. Hmm. That does make sense. You dated in high school, and I did not. Yeah. Would you say you were at times depressed over your dating situation? Yeah.

But I mean, I guess in high school, I was dating someone. I dated somebody in high school that like, I don't know. It's sort of like sometimes when you're dating in high school, because you're so close, it like will cause a rift with your friend group. I dated someone in high school that caused a rift with my friend group. Because it was like taking somebody else's ex-girlfriend or something. And it's like, I guess it's hard to be happy when half of your friends hate you. Yeah, that's not a good situation.

I guess you're also, I feel like you tend to be more codependent on in your relationship in high school like as you get older you can be in healthy relationships where you like you have your independence still you know who you are i haven't met a lot of like people in high school relationships that are like yeah and we each have our independence we're our own person yeah that is and when you're 17 you're like all in or all out. Hormones. You're us against the world. Yeah, babe. Everyone but us, babe.

All our friends hate you. Yeah. Just the way I wanted it. And then when there's a breakup, it's like, how am I supposed to deal with that plus studying? Right. It's the end of the world. And now I have to fucking learn calculus. I don't think so. My heart's in a wrench. Your first relationship was not until college? Yeah. It was like end of high school into college.

I think that was when my first relationship was too. Oh, no. Wait. Yeah. I'm trying to think. I don't think I had a girlfriend. During high school. During high school.

It seems like a hard thing to do. Yeah. No. Yeah. I definitely did not have a girlfriend during high school. I had one in eighth grade and one senior year. So always at the end of your schools. Right, when I was the king.

Yeah. Anyway, so if you don't have a girlfriend or you're not dating in high school, maybe you're lucky. Yeah. Unless you're depressed and then you're just not one of the lucky ones in the study. Yeah. Of course, these studies can sort of validate any claim. People could say, oh, yeah, a recent study suggests the opposite, too. It also, didn't the study, the quote was, they are as happy or happier?

Yeah. So it's just like they're not less depressed, but some of them are the same. Equal. Yeah. Oh, excuse me. Researchers collected self-reports from 10th graders along with teacher surveys on their dating habits and emotional behavior information. Funny that they talked to teachers.

Do the teachers know who's dating who? Like, are they clued in? They must watch high school kind of like a reality show. Yeah. No, yeah, they definitely know. And they talk about it. Like, did you see Steve, like, broke up with Cheryl? Yeah, that's got to be.

That's probably one of the fun parts of being a teacher. Right. I wonder if it's like if they're looking at it like, oh, God, these kids are idiots. Or if they're looking at it like, this is really interesting. That's funny. They're following it like it's a reality show. Game of Thrones style. And then like, but the teachers can't ask.

So they just always have to be around overhearing. And then they share information. Right. Oh, they're kind of like Varys in Game of Thrones. Yeah, they just like to linger. Did you hear what happened? And then maybe they start causing the, like, oh, Steve, I hear you're single. That's not true.

Really? That's not what I heard. That's right. Sharon just told her best friend that she's thinking of breaking up with you. Mr. Blumenfeld, you're a chemistry teacher. Get the fuck away from me. She's getting lunch with Luke. Yeah.

I'm gonna tell on you. You're gonna get fired for this. They slit your throat in the cafeteria like Littlefinger. Woo! Now I'm part of the story, too. Sansa, please. Alright. Solid segment. Recent studies suggest.

Recent studies. That's good. Cool. And one final question? Let's do it. Oh, this one might be a mini one, but might turn into a real one. This is from, you know what? It's not even embarrassing, so I'm going to use this fucking guy's real name.

Whoa. I don't give a shit. Wow. Tom. Okay. Should I get AirPods? Pros. Wireless. Cool. Rich. Okay. Should I get AirPods? Pros, wireless, cool, rich.

Con, expensive. Thanks for the help. Love, Tom. So one of the cons is that they're expensive. And the pros is that you're rich. A pro is that I'm rich and I can have them. And a con is that they're too expensive for me to afford. It seems like AirPods have taken that classic Apple 180 of like,

it came out and everyone's like, what the fuck is this? This is stupid. Like, I remember when iPads, like, no one needs an iPad. Just get a phone or a computer. And then like two years later, everyone loves AirPods. Like, when did that reversal happen? Yeah. I think that first people to use them were just like, wow, they don't fall out of your ears.

Not having a cord is great. Yeah. They do kind of look like cigarettes that come out of your ears. Yeah. They don't look like super cool. I mean, I think wireless earbuds, they don't have to be AirPods, right? Yeah. Your phone will work with anything.

That's right. It's just Bluetooth. Yeah. I wonder, like there's definitely a cooler look than the airpods but you have airpods you know what's funny i uh when i was in atlanta on the dnd tour uh-huh uh which we didn't really talk about you didn't ask me at all so uh but it was fun it was nice um yeah i talked to you about it last week and then also before we recorded and i think on camera on microphone i asked you how yeah yeah all right cool i'm sorry i'm sorry whatever whatever i'm sorry you just accused me and now you're just sort of brushing it up i went on a run in atlanta uh-huh and uh i it was really hot

and my plan was to like run around like near the hotel and then get back and jump in the pool. And I did just that. And I left my AirPods in. Did you say that's a con? That's a con. Well, it's a con for me that my AirPods are broken now. Yeah. Oh, that's it.

A little bit of water. It's over. Game over. It's not like an iPhone. Yeah. I definitely like swam around for a bit. So it wasn't like a little dunk. It's like, oh shit, they're wet. No, like they were soaked.

They were in you, yeah. Submerged. But yeah, I would think, like you can put the iPhone in. Yeah, also like the AirPods come in that case that looks like dental floss. That seems like it would be waterproof. Oh, I had them in. Loose. Yeah, loose.

They were in my pocket. Yeah. Taped to your thigh. Yeah. And then one of them just sank to the bottom. And I stepped on it. You found it in the filter. Yeah. Tape to your thigh. Yeah. And then one of them just sank to the bottom. And I stepped on it. You found it in the filter. Yeah, of course.

But one of them still worked. Just the right one worked for a little while, and now it doesn't work anymore. And I was actually contemplating, just like this guy, like, do I replace? They're expensive. Yeah. How much are they? I think they're like 200 bucks. Yeah.

And when i say i think i know because i went and i looked and you almost purchased i almost purchased them but i was like i just i can't the right one still works sometimes oh i see you don't want to pull the trigger yet but now now that i'm thinking about it i am gonna check out like just wireless uh had your like what are they called when they're not? Earpods. Earpods, not pods. God, fucking pods. Buds. Why does everything have to be

a goddamn pod with Apple? Yeah, I don't know. It's a podcast. It's an iPod. It's a, it's AirPod. They want to, like, keep it consistent.

Fuck those guys. Well, you have all of those things. I love their products. Yeah. You did already order a new iPhone. Yes, I did. And that's when I was thinking about getting the AirPods. But now I'm going to search and see if there's anything that is just like looks cool and isn't an AirPod.

Because black would be better. Black would be better. And like they have like, you know, a little more support in the Midas. Yeah. My Midas I think is too big. Your Midas is too big? My Air, whenever I have to use ear pods, buds, they fall out of my meatus. I don't know if I'm not using the meatus correctly.

Were you playing Beat Saber yesterday? You're wearing cans right now, so I can't see your meatus. Yeah, right here. Well, yeah, turn your head. That's a cavernous. You think it's too deep? I don't know if it's like ill-shaped. They fall out like there's too much space around them.

Like they jiggle. They're loose. Yeah, like when I wear the regular ones with wires, they'll fall out if I'm running. If I was playing Beat Saber yesterday, mine kept falling out. That's so crazy. And I'm like shoving it in tight. I'm like, I don't think I should even be shoving it in this tight. Maybe I have a greasy meatus.

You know, there's... Is it possible I have a waxy, oily meatus? Yeah, your meatus might... It might not be, like, the size. It might just be, like... The shape or the oil of it. It's frictionless. I think, like, you have, like, secretion.

An oil, yeah. And, like, your meatus secretion probably... It's a slick meatus. Yeah, I was going to say, it's a slick and slippery meatus. Yeah. There's a sheen to your meatus. Yeah.

I think... I bought some exercise headphones that were like, they're connected by a wire, but they're like- Yeah. But behind your head. They're Bluetooth. Yeah. But that was like a year ago now. And anyway, they came with three different different sizes for like the pod itself. I see. Like you could,

and it was this, um, this little rubber thing. So you could have the small one, the medium one, or the large one. I would, I would opt for the large one,

the meatus to be, uh, as airtight as possible. Well, the other, the other possibility though, is that you have a really tiny meatus. So you can't,

you can't get it past the little area where it needs to lodge. Oh, interesting. I envision mine as just an open hole. I didn't know that there was a thin part and then it's wider behind it. You have to dock it. It's a dock and a lock.

Interesting. Were you playing Beat Saber yesterday? I did play Beat Saber. Did the earbuds of it all stick in there, or were they... I think I was playing it during the party, so there was... No earbuds part of it. Yeah, it was... Just ambient noise. Everybody was...

Maybe I put them in. I mean, I definitely didn't notice. I don't have a problem where they fall out. That's cool. That's just you, man. So you pro AirPods or not? Yeah, I think if you think that they're... The pros were all of the,

what was it? It was cool, rich. Wireless. Cool, wireless, and rich. Yeah. I'm for you getting them. I also think that it's worth every once in a while

splurging on yourself for something that you think about a lot because you'll feel great every time you use them. That's cool. And you use your phones a lot. Did you like using them

when you did have them? Yes, I loved them. You can run with them and they didn earphones a lot. Did you like using them when you did have them? Yes, I loved them. You can run with them and they didn't jostle. I would do like high intensity workouts with them. They're so slick. It's like plastic. I don't know. I feel like the other ones are like wrap around your ear.

They're like a little more matte where they stick better. These things totally worked for me. I went on like trail runs with them. Never fell out. Never even jostled. If it's just straight up for like walking to work and stuff, it's great. things totally worked for me uh i went on like trail runs with them never fell out never but i mean if if it's just straight up for like walking to work and stuff it's it's great it's also really nice for like just actually um sitting at your desk and working because like you can if you need to get up you just get right up you don't have to like unplug yourself yeah it's kind of nice

yeah it's a cool system do you ever just like keep them in all day and you're like, I'm not even using them. I just realized. Yeah. Hop in a pool. Yeah. Right. That's how they got ruined. Ruined indeed.

I like my wireless headphones, like my whatever bows. Yeah. Well, cause you have a, you have a strange meatus. Yeah. And then they just cup my entire skull.

Wireless is definitely good. The, my problem with wireless is that it's not everywhere yet. And you have to charge it. Yeah. It feels weird to have to charge your headphones. Right, because you're, you have these, like, a nice little minimal wireless thing, but, like, actually there's more

wires because you have to charge them, and it also, of course, comes with a wire. It has to be wired eventually. Right. You're not completely ditching the wires. But, God, if planes could do Bluetooth, I mean, that's got to be so far away. They must just not even care. Oh, yeah.

Why don't they? They have Wi-Fi. But then you still need to plug in to watch the TV. Yeah. That's an annoying thing. Yeah. And if I didn't have to do that, I still have wire headphones because I only use them when I fly. Right.

All right. So get the AirPods? Or do some research and see if there's another kind of earbud that would work for you. But do go wireless. Why don't they make the AirPods different colors? Why is it just white? It's insane that it's only white. Everything is a variety of colors.

All their products are colors. They should absolutely make different colors. If they did an olive green one, I would get it right now. What kind of phone did you get? I got the space gray. I don't do color phones. I put a case on it anyway. It's nice to have that. There's going to be

three cameras on your phone now. That little bit of colored plastic will peek out. That's interesting. I like the classic. Alright. That's it. The end. Table of contents over. Episode done. Now it's time for the bibliography.

We're excited. The study we referenced today was KCRG. Didn't a podcast get in trouble for plagiarizing? Thank you to the Journal of School Health for doing that study just for us. Appreciate it. Thanks to you guys for writing in. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com.

The opening theme song was written by Nick Goldston. All right, I'll admit it was good. And this closing one is a Frank Sinatra parody by Christos. So thanks, Nick. Thanks, Christos. Very excited for the song. Thanks to you guys for listening. For more If I Were You, you can always check out our Patreon.

Patreon.com slash JA. Bonus video Thursday episodes. We're at like 25 of them now. They're good, too. Check them out. All right. We'll be back next week. Bye.

If I were you If I email these two Jews With all my problems to solve They'll let me know what to do Who knew That I'd be writing an advice show? The frick are these comedic guys, no? I'm feeling like rolling the dice, though.

Holy guac here suddenly before me. Hashtag doping you podcast episode maybe this'll be the one where they implore me fuck shit again no I bet my email's still in their inbox unopened screw you I'm finding

another show it's been three years and no word I'll match this this this silent treatment with my own I don't deserve this, this silent treatment. That was a HeadGum Podcast.