Segments - 402: Duck Butter

Episode Date: September 30, 2019

In this episode we discuss superheroes, our favorite smells, and whether or not we would be a toilet.For more IF I WERE YOU, check out bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no when you leave the house in a rush and you drank just a little too much in the car need a place you can flush and relieve your need to pee who knows when the next stop's gonna be? You might not make it that long.

Hey, what's that you see down by your feet? Get a red bottle all along. So if you gotta pee, gotta pee, gotta pee, get a red bottle's what you need. And when you've got the need, you can pee,

you can pee. Just please do it carefully. And when you miss Whoa. That was beautiful. That was a parody of a song that I had never heard of, Meant to Be by Bebe Reija. Interesting. I already submitted the theme song rights, Jay, that you used in episode nine all those years ago. Oh.

I believe you berated me because it was so short and low effort. Well, that was more than deserved. It was earned. And if you used this, please shout out my coy boy, CJ. He and I have been watching you guys since Monopoly, and you've shaped the very fabric of our friendship. Come back to Montreal. Thanks, J. Arsenault.

We should go back to Montreal. Montreal is always a fun time. I love Montreal. That was a great song. I feel like I could shoot a music video for that. Yeah. It's just me peeing in a bottle in my car. But it's very soft lighting.

Yeah, cinematic. Absolutely. That was based on your unsolicited advice from last episode which was if you need to pee on a long

or short car ride at any time you use a Gatorade bottle. Correct. And just to recap a little you don't stick your dick all the way in, right? Just the head

through the mouth of the bottle. Have you done it since you've been in LA in, right? Just the head through the mouth of the bottle. Have you done it since you've been in LA, in that rental? No. Do you have a Gatorade bottle? I did it in the last rental, the one I drove to the head gum party. I peed into that bottle. Yeah.

But do you have a bottle in the current rental? Right now? Yeah. Unused Gatorade bottle? I do not. I don't. So I was driving to the valley when I first landed. Yeah. Unused Gatorade bottle? I do not. I don't. So I was driving to the Valley when I first landed. Yeah.

And I was like, if I- That's kind of a long car ride. It was an hour and 20 minutes. Oh, wow. I fucking, that was like a record for me. And I was like, I'll go to a gas station and pee- At the 40 minute mark. And buy a Gatorade bottle if I have to pee at any point. Yeah.

But then it was like, there was like 45 minutes left in the trip. And I was like, I only have to pee a little bit. I think I can make it. And then, yeah, I just, I fucking, I was a champion. I was a big boy. 80 minutes without peeing. That's you being a champion. I didn't have to whiz. I go five, six hours at a time without peeing. That's insane to me. Do you even do that when you're asleep?

There's not a night where sometimes I'll sleep through the whole entire night without getting up to pee, but I usually wake up and have to really pee. Is it noticeable to you? You're like, whoa, I didn't pee that night. That's crazy. Or is it like, now that I think about it, I guess I didn't pee. It's noticeable. I will wake up and I'll be like, damn, I slept really well. I must have been really tired. I didn't even have to pee. I must have slept so long I only peed twice. Once in my hoogies and once on the way to the bathroom. I don't think I ever have a two.

I mean, I'm sure it's happened, but I don't often have a two pee night. This is my twinnovation idea that I pitched you. You should have been on board for it. Yeah. A mattress with slats so you don't have to get up to pee. You just roll over and urinate. Yeah. I actually think that is a good idea.

I think I was just trying to... Win the game that day. Yeah. I needed to stand on the shoulders of giants that day. So my idea could be accepted. Or what if you make your entire bedroom out of Gatorade bottles?

So your bed is on a giant mouth opening. That way you just have to sort of like put your side up against the edge of the bed and piss off the side. And that goes down. If I was a billionaire, I would probably have a house that had tons of little pee compartments for me. That's cool. So you're so rich that you have Gatorade bottles everywhere. Well, they would be Gatorade bottles. But like porcelain. Right. Like crystal Gatorade bottles everywhere. Well, they would be Gatorade bottles. But like porcelain. Right. Like crystal Gatorade bottles. Right. And little servants who carry them to and fro.

You need to urinate, sir. And it's a crystal cognac sniffer. Away with you, Dylan. I've already urinated on Martha. Please, sir. You can pee in my mouth. A little pee bell. You ring the bell and a servant comes

opens their mouth and their toilets to you no they have a Gatorade bottle and they hand it to me what kind of sick fucking future

are you designing for me where I just pee in people's mouths you're a billionaire you can do whatever you want you're paying them 80 grand a year what kind of shit

are you doing for a six figure salary would you have someone piss in your mouth once a year yo you're my toilet now i think as long as you could do other shit like if that was you could do everything that you're doing now for and then for an extra 14148,000 and benefits. You just had to have, let's say, Drake, piss in your mouth once a year. Oh, once a year, yeah. Once a year. I thought you were saying I was his toilet daily.

No, yeah. For $150,000. $148,000 plus benefits. That's fine. I don't want to use the benefits because I'm afraid of having to explain it to my doctor. Be like, oh, you actually have pretty good Blue Cross Blue Shield gold. Well, I need the benefits because I swallow piss once a having to explain it to my doctor. Be like, oh, you actually have pretty good blue cross, blue shield, gold.

Well, I need the benefits because I have, I swallow piss once a year, doc. What's that? Yeah. So, uh, I have to pee now. Where's Amir though? He is my toilet. You're my toilet, man. Yo, you're my toilet now.

He's kind of a baby too. Yo, Amir, man, you're my toilet. Yeah, I would let Drake piss in my mouth. Would you let me piss in your mouth for $150,000? No fucking way. You would love that. Because then you would lord it over me. Yeah.

I would have lord shit on my chest for $80,000. That way she'll Drake it all over me for the rest of the year. Yeah, I wonder if you could just be a professional celebrity toilet. Imagine that business card. That's got to hurt to give to your girlfriend's old man. Yeah, business is booming. The podcast network is doing well. Furthermore, I have a new gig.

Steven Tyler actually went boom, boom on my chest. Speaking of business being booming. A lot of revenue streams, if you will. That's right. Bono pisses on my face. Elijah Wood upper decked me. That's when you have diarrhea in my ear. Paul Bettany wiped his ass with my nose

Andy McDowell clogged me Do you realize how much shit It would take to clog me And Andy Roddick flogged me Roddick himself This song I wanted to say Should have been a Let it be parody

Let me pee Let me pee Let me pee. Let me pee. Let me pee now. Let me pee. There will be a bottle. Let me pee. So maybe Jay Arsenault or some other person out there can do the next one. Nice.

Let it pee. Meant to pee. Can I pee? Yeah, something like that. Up to you. Hi, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

These are, of course, real questions from real people. We're doing our best to answer them. 400 plus episodes deep up in this business. Do you think there's a world where we pass Jake and Amir for podcast episodes? Like where we make over 800 podcast episodes? There's a world. It's an incredibly sad world to think about, but it definitely exists.

At that point be how old? Well, I'll be 82 and you'll be 80, which is crazy because I'll be, I'll have almost caught up with you at that point. Percentage wise, you're catching up with me every year a little bit. Interesting. Who do you think will die first?

Me. That's cool. Yeah. But, like, there'll be more people at your funeral. Yeah, well, because I'm going to die tragically young. But not, like, so tragically young that it's like I will die in my prime. I'm going to die at, like, 48.

I don't think that's a tragedy anymore. I think that's not tragically young anymore. I think that's, I mean, well, it would be tragically young to my loved ones. Yeah. Who would be like, he should have had so much more time. Yeah, what happened? But to the rest of the world, I'll have like made my best art, done my best comedy. And most people will be like, oh my God, I didn't know he was still, I forgot about that guy.

Yeah, he was the one that talked about getting shit on and pissed on, right? It was like, no, no, no, that was a mirror. He'll live to the ripe old age of 90. Andy Roddick speaking at your funeral. I think he made a joke about me whizzing on him, but I'm not entirely sure. Flogging me. Oh my God, he's alive. Andy.

All right, so this is an email we got about somebody who picked up his Tinder date at her house. Okay. Rare, but true, I guess. Didn't you do that once? No. Or no, you met somebody in the Lyft and they were mad that you didn't pick them up. Is that true? Oh, I met somebody there and they wished, yeah, and later on one of her complaints was like, I thought you'd pick me up.

What a strange world. I feel like that's not, would not be an expectation at all, even remotely these days. Well, this is a 22-year-old guy from Wisconsin. We'll call Giannis Antetokounmpo, writes, I'm back home for the summer doing an internship, and I decided to get on Tinder for a low-key summer fling until I went back to school. I matched with a girl and headed over to her house to pick her up on her first date. When I rang the doorbell, I got to talking with her mom and soon found out that we work at the same place and she sits five desks away from me. I also found out that her younger brother also works there.

So this guy is going out on a date with a girl and the mom and her younger brother are there and work where he works. Then her dad comes in and he's a super muscular cop and starts jokingly trying to fight me. Jesus. After we left her house, she offhand mentions that her dad is the mayor of the town. I just want to seize the cheese before going back to college without many people finding out. But now I work with two of her family members and her dad is the cop and a mayor who could beat me up. Is it still worth going for it and possibly having awkward interactions at work when I see her family? And maybe her dad banished me from

the town or something? Or should I keep swinging and find someone else? Let me know what you think. Love, Giannis. I would almost say it's 100% not worth doing. I guess his first mistake was picking her up at her childhood house where her mom, brother, and father met him before their first Tinder date. Tinder date. That's absurd. I thought it would behoove me to meet you all before this first drink that i get with somebody yeah no that's of course not and then he works with the mom did he know that before it must be like a town where everybody works for the same company there

are nine people that live there and they all work so my dad is the chief of the police and the mayor he's also the grocer and he does accounting oh Oh shit. I'm just reading right now. This email was sent in 1951. Right. That's why. That was the norm. Yeah. Like, all right, I'm going to come and take you out. So I'll obviously meet your parents. Meet your old man. And we'll have a time in a living room just sitting. Waiting for you to debut. you'll you'll treat me right in front of your father i got you a corsage it's not even a prom they're just going to the drive-in but you have to wear a flower around your wrist that's kind of a cool move uh if you're like picking somebody up for a date like bringing the corsage yeah and i'm wearing i'm wearing a boot knee or

you wear this fucking it really is a bracelet made of flowers right that's what the corsage yeah and i'm wearing i'm wearing a boutonniere you wear this fucking it really is a bracelet made of flowers right that's what the corsage is yeah yes it's a little flower bracelet and then they have to wear that for the rest of the night yeah that's not nice that's a it's like handcuffs right yeah you wouldn't really but like when i imagine prom photos i don't see like kids dancing with flowers around their arms. You like put it down? Yeah, you must put it down at some point. I think it's like for pictures.

You're like holding, you have flowers. So there's flowers in the photos. Awful. I wonder if kids still do that. They must. Prom is such a funny thing. Like these fucking dirty tweens hanging out like they're 1950s royalty. Did you have a prom date?

Yeah. Well, I went with like two female friends because I was like too afraid to ask anybody out. So you went, you had two prom dates. In a way, I did have two prom dates. But in a way, I had zero prom dates. Very nice. But I don't remember getting a corsage or a boutonniere or any of that shit. You didn't?

You must have. Do you have photos of your prom? I do have photos of my prom. I rented a purple tuxedo. Did you really? Yeah. No, sorry. A regular tuxedo with a purple vest and tie. Oh, so that's like kind of normal, right? My hair was moosed and

my brow was grease. My glasses were thin and metal and my braces were on. Yes. Full throttle. Acne, bacne, whackney. I had two whack knees, so I couldn't dance.

It was on a boat. Was it on a boat? Yeah, it was like a docked boat restaurant. And did you, that night, did you end up dancing or were you mostly like goofing around with your friends, joking, joking with Jesse? Barely around with your friends joking i'm joking with jesse barely yeah i must have been joking with jesse i barely remember prom like i don't remember it very much at all i don't remember what we did before after we must have taken a limo right don't you rent a limo yeah you rent a limo so we obviously rent a limo you have 17 year olds to

do this all of the parents meet at the house with all of the kids. So embarrassing. Everyone runs around taking photos. And then you send them off in a limo where they have a dance. And if they drink, they're expelled. And if they have sex, they're cool. I guess like- Where do they sleep that night?

Is it all at like a house or a hotel? I think that it's funny to look back on prom because it feels lame. But at my prom, I feel like all of us were... You're going to college the next year. You're like, this is a party. Borderline an adult. You're like... Everyone is like trying to get drunk and hook up afterwards.

But you can't get drunk at the prom, right? Everyone drinks after. Do you rent a hotel? I think a lot of people do different things. So now, alright, now I'm coming around where prom can seem kind of cool. Sometimes you go to prom, but then you go to the after party. And I've seen people go to the shore for the weekend

or you go out. Oh, you turn it into a senior trip. Right, you rent a house for the weekend. And that kind of thing, it always turns into... Like spring break slash prom. I like that kind of thing, it always turns into- Like spring break slash prom. That's, I think that's what happened. But I did not do that. Our school like broke up our after prom party.

Yeah, because like the school's sort of still in charge of you guys. Yeah. Where was the after prom party? It was going to be at my friend Steve's house. Wow. So his parents were just like, yeah, you guys can all party here?

No, his parents were out of town and our school was so small that like we had all talked about how this was like, this is the one, how amazing is it that Steve's parents are out of town? They must have timed it on purpose.

On the weekend of prom. They must have known. Yeah, because they have to take pictures of their kid, don't they? We're going to go and like get trashed at Steve's for the weekend. You know, like this is perfect. And go and get trashed at Steve's for the weekend. This is perfect. And the school found out and called

Steve's parents. So teachers overheard planning? Teachers were so involved in the gossip of my school that they fucking knew where the after party was. They called and got it canceled. They showed up and got hammered with you guys.

Yeah, and then we ended up doing it at some other girl's house, but her parents were around. It was kind of low-key. Oh, that's cool. So you're not getting too smashed. Yeah, that was really cool. Or is it like the parents are like,

you can drink, but as long as it's under my roof. Funny concept. It's just better that you're doing it here where I know you're safe. Like, actually, you're just a really bad parent. I'm going to drink all your alcohol and sort of OD. I'm going to have my stomach pumped in your backyard. That's good.

I'm definitely not going to be a cool parent. Like, I let the kids drink here because it's better than them doing it somewhere else. Like, no, it's not. I guess better maybe than them doing it, like, in a parking lot somewhere. But you're just, it's still bad doing it at your house. Yeah. Why don't you ask them not to do it at all? Right.

Or is that not being. I know you're going to do it. Or is that not being a cool parent? I guess that's fine. Like, cause you can be like, I know, like, I know you're going to do it whether I, whether I let you or not. Like you could also just be like, you're not going to do it. Yeah. But would you listen to them?

I don't know. I think it depends on the character of my kid. That's nice. I'm going to treat my little boy with an iron fist. Even as a baby, I'm going to teach him to respect his old man. Well, he'll have to because he's growing up in a house

where you're like drinking celebrity piss and shit. All right, little Amir Jr., whatever the fuck. Better than cover that shit's in my dad's face, okay? Everybody go to your room. You shouldn't watch your old man have to do this. Martha Stewart is coming over, and she's finger blasting herself into my into my fucking

nostrils. Jesus Christ. Go to sleep. You go to sleep. Owen Wilson's gonna cock slap your old man. Who are these people, Dad? They must be 90 at this point.

You would have loved Owenen wilson dustin diamond he's d-list so i just let him spank me for 30 which is how much a candy bar costs now uh so this kid is probably barking up the wrong tree he's he's met too many people he's in too deep he has to take a step back. This is just a Tinder date. It seems like he wants a casual thing and he's treating it like a very serious relationship. This is not casual. You've blown that. Unless you have an amazing time with this lady. If you like her, then I don't think it's bad that you met her family. But if you're trying to be very casual then this like

this adds a little bit of baggage to that for sure all right um okay let's take a break we'll thank some sponsors we'll come back answer some more questions after this sick thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap.

Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments. You save 10% off your first purchase

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To support segments, it'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do.

And we are back. Here's something exciting. Yeah. In addition to the ads we just heard, I up and frickin' sold one to a family member. What? You said that's something interesting? So like, I guess that's sort of interesting

that you're sabotaging the podcast. You know how we have like, Squarespace, MyBookie, yada, yada, yada. Yeah, like, Marty, Marika, like these people,

they, we have a sales team. Yeah, HeadGum has a sales team. We don't need you there. That strategically goes out and finds partners for specific shows

and negotiates and, you know, inserts them dynamically into the episode. Totally. It's a one-stop shop. They do everything for us. My family member opened up a restaurant and they wanted a live read. That's, I mean, you should just do, so like we have an unsolicited advice segment. Why don't you just say like.

They actually wanted a very live read. Okay. To the point where you have to read the copy. I'm not going to read it for your family. Your family member, if they opened a restaurant, congratulations. Say the name of it. People will go to it and let's get back to the show. Because then it feels like cheesy or we're decompartmentalizing.

It feels cheesy to try to like say it naturally. It feels less cheesy than – Because they want it to be like an ad read like do you remember how like joe namath was a spokesperson for like gillette sure yeah so like it wouldn't make sense if like the ceo of gillette's uncle did that oh it had to be like a celebrity so you're saying like i'm i'm the celebrity in this case exactly okay so that's kind of cool yes i'm interested in like mich Like Michael Jordan did Wheaties or whatever. Right. I mean,

you can just say, I do have to like, what weird old callbacks. They want you to be the spokes woman of sorts for this restaurant. Sure. They sent me the ad copy. So all you have to do is read it and then try to read it like naturally. All right.

I'm two questions. Cause one, I just, all right, two questions. Because one, you just keep on saying my family member. It's such a vague generalization. Like most, I feel like you could say cousin, aunt, uncle. It's in between those two, yeah. It's like right in between uncle and cousin. Aunt? Yeah, it's like my cousin's dad married my mom's sister.

So like it's like- my cousin's dad married my mom's sister. Your cousin's dad. So your uncle married your aunt. Yeah, and they're opening up a family feedback. Okay, so they had an incestuous relationship, and they're opening a feedback? Kind of, yeah. And they wrote ad copy for me to read. And then for us to get paid. Okay, well, how much did you,

we can edit this part out, but if you negotiated the... I get 10% off every dish that's ordered with the coupon code, which I think is in the ad. That's not like a lot of money. Depending on how many people go. Yeah, but it's so like geographically specific.

The restaurant is actually in pretty disarray. they're like hanging on by a thread so the quicker we can get to the ad copy the quicker it's just unfortunate that you're not going to get us paid we're getting a 10 percent of what people order if they go to what you're calling is a a restaurant that's hanging by a thread. Yeah. Okay. You got the ad copy. Yeah, I have it. All right. So, have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn grill?

That's right. Are you going to interrupt? Do you want me to just do a live read? That's cool how they got in. Oh, shit. That's cool how they got in there. Okay. Have you ever heard the wolf cry

to the blue corn grill? That's right. A new in. Oh, shit. That's cool how they got in there. Okay. Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn grill? That's right. A new Native American themed restaurant, Jesus, that caters to two different clientele, women and moose. What does a moose eat? Great question. What's that? Great question, fat ass. Pork.

I just feel like this is a little problem. Your Israeli aunt and uncle opened up a Native American-themed restaurant that caters to women and moose. I guess so. What does a moose eat? Take it from there. What does a moose eat? Great question, fat ass. Pork.

Here at the Blue Corn Grill, our pork is so thick and wet, your fattest daughters and moose will leave wanting more. J. Moore. Who roasts this? I honestly didn't, but it's cool to hear it coming out of you. That's right. Every other Thursday, we have comedian J. Moore in the house doing karaoke. Why not comedy?

Great question. Save it for trivia night, Hoss. That's interesting. It's not interesting. So there's a trivia night, Hoss. That's interesting. It's not interesting. What is trivia night? So there's a trivia night that they don't actually mention. They just talk about doing karaoke with Jay Moore on Thursdays. I knew Jay was there last Thursday.

Actually, it comes back. Here we go. That's right. Every Saturday is trivia night, Hoss. Winners drink free milk on the side of every meal. That's good. On the side. Yeah, you don't just say on the side.

Because it's a drink. Answer a question right. Do the notes at the end. Fine. Answer a question right, get a glass. Drink them all for the grand prize. I have questions about that. And I'll flag that.

Because you drink, you get a glass of milk for every question that you get right. And then if you drink all the milk, you get the grand prize. Seems a little complicated. Which I guess comes up. That's right. Drink them all for the grand prize, fat ass. Located on the corner of five major highways, Blue Corn Grill is now closed. No! That's right. You waited. You lost. So better luck next time. Coupon code fat ass. So it is closed. It must have closed while you were reading it. I'm sorry to hear that, man. I'm absolutely sorry to hear that. I'm sorry that we did

this ad at all. Imagine that. We could have gotten the grand prize. So we also, our payment was 10% of all sales. And now it looks like we won't be getting any of that shit. So we just advertised it for nothing. Fuck. That hurts to hear. Yeah, that sucks.

Because I have next Thursday open in my calendar i was gonna go to jay moore karaoke night right yeah i was gonna go to milk trivia it's not milk trivia it's general trivia winner gets a glass you know jay moore's lactose intolerant you think he would ever do trivia night get diarrhea and then shit on your face. That's right. There's a new restaurant opening up down the street. Jay Moore drinking cottage cheese and taking a dump in your soup. And if you need to go

to the bathroom, Amir Blumenfeld is the bathroom. Fat ass. Alright, thanks for reading that, by the way. Yeah, of course. Regardless of what happens, I think they'll appreciate the fact that we took the time and effort to read the ad. I hope so. An ad I'm calling Ad Astra. Ad Astra. To the way. Yeah, of course. Regardless of what happens, I think they'll appreciate the fact that we took the time and effort to read the ad. I hope so. An ad I'm calling Ad Astra. Ad Astra. To the stars.

I'm mad, Astra, that I haven't seen that yet. Starring Brad Astra. Nice. Thanks. Alright, here's a question about ball sweat. Oh. You know, a sweaty grundle. It's called duck butter.

Duck butter? Did you ever call it duck butter when you were growing up? No. When I was a kid, my friends and I called that ball sweat duck butter. I don't know if that was like

a thing that only me and my boys did. We'll call this guy Donald. Okay, why? Because duck. Okay, Donald Duck, nice. Yeah. I'm a 22-year-old from Australia, and I want to know if it is weird if I sniff my own ball sweat.

Like when I'm alone or getting changed, I'll rub my fingers in between my thighs and groin, and if it's sweaty, I just sniff my fingers. I don't know why, but I enjoy the smell. Am I weird? Is this okay? Are there any habits that you two do when others aren't around? Much love, Donald.

P.S. Bring NADPOT to Australia. Hell yeah. I would love that. I fucking love Australia. Yeah. Is this, can you resonate with this? Like, have you ever smelled your own duck butter? I don't think that that would have an appeal to me.

I understand, like, it is weird, but it also is okay. Are you more likely to smell your own fart versus others? Yeah, I think people definitely have, like, a higher tolerance for their own bodily odors. Yeah, like, it's not that bad because it came out of me to me. So I'm smelling my own fart in a car.

It's like, wow, that was bad. But it's not like, fuck me, that's bad. I have to get out of here. Roll down the window. Yeah. It's like, oh, wow, that's bad. I can't believe that's what my inside smell. I would say this is totally akin to smelling your own fart, which I think is one of those things that is like more people do it, but it is not something we should talk about. It's fine that it's this. It's fine that you do it and you didn't have to write this question. For the first time we're saying you shouldn't have.

Yeah, our advice is just do it just like, I don't need to know about it, alright? Do whatever you want to do, I don't need to know about it. I really don't fucking need to know about it. Do you smell your own farts? I don't think, not like in an active way. But if you fart in a car, are you sniffing it?

Like huffing it? Yeah, like are you bending over? Oh, that's good. Are you trying to get down there and sort of sip it like you're at a desert oasis? No, I'm not. Oh, sweet, beautiful Christ. You fucking, you love the smell of your own fart. I want to get close. I think sometimes I Christ. You love the smell of your own fart. I want to get close.

I think sometimes I'm like fascinated by the smell of my farts. I'm like, wow, that's a weird one. But I'm never like, this is really foul or this is really good. I wouldn't be like, this fart smells nice. Yeah. I like the smell of weird stuff though. I like the smell of gasoline. You do?

Yeah. You like the smell of gasoline. I love the smell of weird stuff, though. I like the smell of gasoline. You do? Yeah. You like the smell of gasoline. I love the smell of gasoline. I also, sometimes I think that, like, when I, I'll, like, smell my armpit, and I'll smell really bad, and I'll be like, oh, my God, and then I'll smell it again, just to sort of, like. B.O. Yeah, like, take a little, it's almost like a sense of wonder. Like, wow, I can't believe I smell like that. Yeah.

I understand it. I just don't think that it has to be made a thing. So you are fine with the curiosity of bodily smells. Is there anything that you smell? I'll smell my farts. I will smell my pits. I'll smell my oils. And I'll smell my boils.

I smell my essential oils. I'll pop a zit and snort the pus. Oh, yeah. Popping a zit is another one that's kind of like that, too. That's like a gross private thing, but it is also like fascinating. Yeah. But popping a zit almost crosses the barrier where like you will find people that want to pop your zits, but you never would find somebody that's like, oh, I like the smell of your farts. Yeah.

Why is that? I like the smell of your farts. Yeah. Why is that? I like the smell of your BO. That's really good. That's like a really nice wedding vow. I love the smell of your BO. I love the smell of your farts. I'd be so embarrassed if someone said that to me at a wedding. I love the smell of your farts.

You could, in theory, have positive fart sweat, right? Or fart smell Like if you only ate aromatic foods No, I don't think that would work like that If you put like a rose up your colon So that like the methane sort of mingles with nice flower smell If you only ate Poo-Pourri That's good

Would you marry me? It's a corsage. Enjoy the smell, but don't be so loud about it. You're disgusting. Here's a follow-up from yesterday's, or sorry, last week's episode in which you wanted to be somebody's godfather. Oh. Katie Evans writes, You can use my real name.

I don't care. This isn't incriminating. You guys are the best. Listening to the last episode, I just wanted to let Jake know that he can be my child's godfather. Wow. She has a godmother, but we didn't have anyone else to ask. So congrats. You are Rhiannon's godfather now, if you want to be.

Rhiannon's? Yeah. R-H-I-A-N-N-O-N. Did she attach a picture? What? If I'm going to be a child's godfather, I'd like to know what the little bugger looks like. What the fuck is wrong with you? This lady is giving you fart blotch access for her daughter post-mortem.

It's not... You don't get fart blotch access to a kid if you're the godfather. I'm raising the little bitch. I'm not raising... All right, carefully. You're talking about my fucking godson or daughter? What is it? Goddaughter.

I was talking about my fucking goddaughter. Yeah. Now, look. I'm interested. I'm going to need a wallet size Photo And not like a computer print Not on printer paper I'm going to need hard stock

Wallet size photo of this kid This is crazy So when I'm talking to the guys at work By the water cooler I say Hey look at little Ryan on Ryan Riannon. Riannonon. I could go Riannonon and on about her.

And actually, is that a boy's name? Riannon? R-H-I-A-N-N-O-N? I don't know. I don't know anything. Well, it's your child. It's your godchild. I'm going to need a wallet-sized printed photo of my godson or daughter. We're also going to have to find out how to pronounce their name. Rhiannon. Rhiannon. Rhiannon. Uh-huh.

Rhiannon. Rhianonymous. But yeah, I'm tentatively interested. And it's not that I want a photo to see if like... It certainly sounds like that. I just want to make sure that they... I want to make sure they're a cute kid. That's all.

Okay. That it's like... You're not discriminating? What the fuck are you talking about? I don't know if you want to know. They're like... I honestly hesitate to even say this. Good, you should.

This is insane. It sounds like you're eager to know their race. Is that fair? It's absolutely unfair. I'm saying that I want to have... Good or bad. What do you mean good or bad? I don't care if it's a bad race, like one of the bad ones.

See, this sounds like you're having the problem. This is insane. There is only... We all know what I'm talking about, right? When I say the one true good race. Thai? Thai, yes. We all know I'm talking about Southeast Asia,

but I just don't think Katie Evans produced that. You're going to get in trouble, man. Rihanna. That's a good sitcom idea, actually. So you're the godfather. Godmother is another friend. Parents die in the fucking cold open of the pilot. Oh.

And you guys are forced to raise this child together. Yeah, and what it actually is, if I can build on that. Well, I'm not done pitching. Okay. Go ahead. It's a game show, but continue. Congrats. Okay.

But it is, it's the godmother is someone that I don't know. Exactly like this. Yeah. It's a complete. Oh, is that what you were pitching? When you said another friend, I thought you meant like one of my friends. Not her friend. Right. So it's someone that i don't know they the parents die yeah we have to get together yeah and for the child for the sake of young rihanna non

yeah and and then guess what the twist it turns out this godmother is a freaking detective oh my god she knows all about your sordid past. Not my sordid past. We try to solve the murder of our friends. It was you. It was you that killed the friends to get you closer to this hot detective type. The ultimate twist. Who's that race that I was talking about earlier.

Right. And then it all comes back where she thinks it's romantic. The final twist. And just as we go in for our screen kiss, we get stabbed by Rihanna Nunn. The child did it to you because she grew up hating you. Knew that I

murdered the parents. Batman style. Yeah. Who murdered Batman's parents? Is that canon? Was it like the jokester? It wasn't the jokester. Was it the Rydler? It was not the Rydler. Was it the Rydler? It was not the Rydler. Was it the Pongween? It wasn't the Pongween either.

I think it was Pouissant Yves. Who? Pouissant Yves. What, the Catwoman? Pies and Iveye. Pies and Iveye. Pies and Iveye. So did one of the

did one of the bad people in the Batman universe kill Batman's parents I don't remember I think it was like somebody that worked for somebody Spider-Man was the same way right uncle was killed in front of him yeah but that uncle was killed by like

somebody it was like like a petty criminal that got away. Got it. And that like taught Spider-Man. Like that I, at least in the movies actually. I don't really fucking know. Superman was also orphaned. Didn't he have to like leave his planet?

Yeah, his parents sent him away. I think most like most superheroes have mom, your daddy issues. Why didn't any, like yeah. Is there a superhero that like grew up in a nice house? Well, Superman did with his adopted parents. And so did Peter Parker, his aunt and uncle. Is there a superhero that grew up in a nice house? Well, Superman did with his adopted parents. No, I'm talking about... Peter Parker, his aunt and uncle raised him really nicely. Yeah, where's his parents?

But I want a superhero raised by his parents in a non-broken home. Raised by his parents, right? Yeah. You're the broken home. What? You're broken. Fine. His or her parents.

Oh, Wonder Woman. Was what? She was raised in a great community with her mom. Really? Mom and dad? I don't know. Well, in Wonder Woman, they live on an island that is only women. Oh, that's right.

I don't know if there are, how people are born on that island. I don't know how it works. It seems like to make a superhero, you have to have a fucked up childhood. You gotta have a chip on your shoulder. That's right. Like, no superhero also got, like, SAT tutors and, like, had a fine high school experience. They got a used car with their parents' help.

That's cool. When they were 16. Yeah. And now you want to fight crime. No, you don't. You just want to become an accountant in Gotham. You want to freeload off fucking Batman

and or Superman. Yeah, something always has to happen to someone's parents or loved ones to like make them fucked up. Either that makes them the villain because that also happens

to all the villains. Oh, right. It's all like, this is the same thing in Mindhunter. They seem to make like every evil person as a result of something fucked up that happened to them.

I think that's like close to being true. Yeah, like nobody's just like, yeah, he was a nice guy. But that's what you also hear about other serial killers. Oh, he was a nice guy. He was a quiet guy. And then he snapped. Yeah, but then you look back and you're like, oh, no wonder he snapped because he had this fucked up childhood. Yeah, nobody like, like if I was a serial killer,

would I be the first one with like a non troubled past? Right. And that's what got me off. Yeah. But I bet once we started digging, we could like just say that things were troubled in your past because I do. You also like to find a reason. That's cool.

It's like if you all of a sudden did it, we would like go back through your parents and be like, Oh, like they were like this and that probably fucked him up in some way. But like, if you're normal, you would never second guess any, any of the things that they did.

Like, you know how they locked you in a basement for three and a half weeks. Yeah. Yeah. Like that doesn't really come up because you're pretty much fine. You pay your taxes on time. But then like, if you snapped one day,

then like the being in a basement for three and a half weeks would like, that would like a bell would go off. Yeah. Well, he's, yeah, he was like. Like my mom used to yell at me and make fun of me a lot growing up. I feel like I have sort of a hall pass to kill older women, but I just don't take it. Oh yeah. Interesting.

I'm just like a nurse. Like instead of. It's not really a hall pass. You still get in trouble. Yeah. But it's like more understandable I guess like

they would be able to do sympathy a sympathetic profile of you like Charles Manson was in and out of like like foster care mom was like abusive dad wasn't there

right but like if I convinced people to kill people people would be like what the hell you don't even have a reason yeah

yeah I just thought it was random. Your dad's a gynecologist. And your mom was always there. You went to private school. For Christ's sake. What's the point of this? All right, let's try to answer one last question. Sure.

My friend and I had a roommate last year. It was his first year of college, so he basically partied every night, was very loud, rarely clean. Now, don't get me wrong. He was a nice guy, but my friend and I didn't want to live with him anymore. So we decided to find a new place without him knowing. Huh? Okay. Once our lease was done, we told him that we were going back home for the summer and we'll contact him if we get another place.

But what we actually did is move into a building one block away, just the two of us. It's been a year now and we still haven't told him that we live together without him. Should we tell him the truth of why we moved out or just keep lying? Keep lying. Like there's no reason to be like, I got a level with you. Just so you know, we live down the street and never fucking told your ass. Yeah. This would turn him into a serial killer.

Right. He would kill two strangers every week and they're like, why did he do that? He's like, yeah, because his roommates left him. Wait, are they like, we don't want to hang out with him anymore a serial killer. Right. He would kill two strangers every week. And they're like, why did he do that? He's like, yeah, because his roommates left him. Wait, he's, are they like, we don't want to hang out with him anymore anyway? Yeah. Oh, so yeah. If like the relationship is over, you don't have to like say anything. But they still see him like in the neighborhood.

Cause it's like they moved one block away and didn't tell him and he's still there. I think you could just be like, yeah, sorry. It didn't work out. Work out? You said you were going home and that you'd contact me where'd you end up i guess if he's like that you can kind of be like you understand i'm fucking crazy i wouldn't want to live with myself either do people who are loud and rarely clean know that they're bad or they're like writing emails being like my roommates are all anal and shit like i can't

even take a dump without them watching me we should search our our email for like neat freak yeah my roommates are date freaks you're either a disaster of a loud rarely clean person who calls people neat freaks or a neat freak where other people are the disasters i've lived with too many people who call themselves neat freaks and they're not you're the neat freak i'm a neat freak where other people are the disasters. I've lived with too many people who call themselves neat freaks, and they're not. You're the neat freak. I'm a neat freak. I'm an actual one. And a lot of people like to describe themselves as a neat freak because they're like,

oh, I have OCD. I like new things to be clean. Like, no, you don't. You don't. You're brushing your teeth for the ninth time today. But as a neat freak, when you live with a normal person, are you like, this guy's a fucking mess? Or are you like, no, they're average and I'm a- Yeah, I know that I'm a- I know that I'm- So it's not just relative. I wouldn't be like, you're disgusting. But I would be like, that's a bridge too far for me. The cereal bowl is still in the sink.

Yeah, that'll bother me. That needs to go into the dishwasher ASAP. I will- I can't eat a meal unless all of the dishes from the meal are clean. Oh, you clean all the dishes before you even eat? If it's, I mean... Like, if it was a hassle to make it. If Jill's made a big dinner or something and there's, like, pots and whatever, like, I'm, like, cleaning as we go. And there's, like... Are you done there? There's, like, still pasta in the pot. I do it all we go. Are you done there?

There's still pasta in the pot. I do it all the time. Let me put some actual soap on the right. Start watching a spatula. I was using that still. But then maybe I'll let something soak while we eat because I want to eat while it's hot. She's made it.

But if it's me eating by myself, if I make myself lunch or breakfast or something, everything is clean and finished so I can eat and then just leave. So you clean the pan that made a hot dog before you eat the hot dog. Yes. You don't just leave the pan in the sink. You're like, I'll do this after I eat. Correct.

Okay. What about putting stuff in the dishwasher? Do you pre-clean or do you put it in there soiled? I will rinse. No like actual food chunks, but like, yeah, it's basically clean. All right, let's say you have a plate with potato chips are on the plate and then a sandwich. You finish the potato chips, but the sandwich is still there. Are you soaking the right side of the plate so that it's nice and clean for the rest of

your sandwich? So there's like a sponge with soap to the right of the sandwich that you have yet to eat. Correct. And then you lift it up and you take a bite. And then when you put it down, that area that the sandwich is no longer there, you start scrubbing that vigorously with a steel wool. What I'll do is like, I'll lift up the sandwich.

I'll wipe the entire thing. Underneath it. Yeah. Underneath it. Yeah, underneath it. It is crystalline, perfectly clear. With soap and water. Soap and water. Hand dried. And dried before you put the sandwich back down. Then I put the sandwich back down. I chew. I finish. Lips the sandwich up.

Again. Wipe it down. Rinse your feet. Dishwash it maybe. You're a freak. You're a freak of meat. I'm a neat freak. That's your supervillain name. Neat freak. Dance your feet. Dishwash it, maybe. You're a freak. You're a freak of meat. I'm a neat freak. That's your supervillain name. Neat freak. The neat freak. Oh, here he comes. He's a crumb.

Get him. Do you ever have ants in your house? I've had ants in my house when I lived with you. It's because you left the fucking crust in the trash can. You have ants in your house all the time. Of course. It's your fucking crumb. I'm a crumb man. I'm a crumb man.

I'm a crumb bum. Neat freak in the crumb bum. Oh my god, we should make a fucking graphic novel. That's really cool. Alright, I'm gonna delete this part. If you hear this, I've made a terrible mistake. Well, we should really just ask other people to do it because that's kind of like our MO. Okay, so

design a cover of a comic book. Neat freaking crumb ball and i just have the jay kudamir finally finally we're making a superhero show uh all right so send that as well as any questions or theme songs he might have to if i were you show at gmail.com opening on with jay arsenault this closing one is a Crash Into Me, Dave Matthews band style cover by Nick Goldston, who wrote last week's theme song. So Nick wrote a Dave Matthews cover for you, Jake. Fuck yes, finally. And of course, we'll be back next week.

And for more If I Were You, you can always just listen and watch on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J-A. That's right. There's video episodes of this here podcast. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you soon. Bye. Bye. I've got a question. I need help

Jake and Shmuel, well, they can tell Tell me what I can do to fix My romantic politics Should I tell her I'm in love or find a Starbucks close enough holy guac

I'm so lost and confused but I know what to do Email to if I were you Show at gmail.com With Kobe starts now.