Segments - 403: Ass Shot

Episode Date: October 7, 2019

In this episode we discuss physical therapy, Succession, and Jake's goddaughter.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon for bonus Thursday video episodes!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no fuck you Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Fuck you, John Thorpe. There's a podcast called Powered You where I email into these dudes. You've got a problem?

Well, they can get me by. Won't you please just give me some advice? Give me some advice That's a place on the corner of Cherry Street That I used to go get stuff to eat Kissed a waiter but wait he wasn't guy Chick and a man does this make me Bye

Give me some advice Take an admit, does this make me fine? Give me some advice If I could email and things would get better Choose a name that's faked and you want forever Let your jokes crash down on me and take me away Yeah. Do you know what that was? It was a yellow card cover. That's right. Ocean Avenue parody. Indeed. You know, I, like, of all of the pop punk in the world that I love, I never got into Yellowcard. You know, it's funny you say that

because my college roommate of three years, Pavla, shout out to Pavla, was so into Yellowcard. No. And I think it was mostly younger fans at the time. Like, it was like, she had this huge crush on the lead singer, and I still remember his name because of that, Ryan Key. Ryan it was like, she had this huge crush on the lead singer. And I still remember his name because of that.

Ryan Key. Ryan Key. Yeah. Which is a great name for a front man of a pop punk band in 2002. He called Yellow Card the violinist. And she was so into Yellow Card that she like started meeting people from a Yellow Card message board. No, no way.

Yeah. No way. Javi, no. people from a yellow card message board no no way yeah i think no way no i think she even like made some lifelong friends from the yellow card message board oh well i guess that's nice remember i guess that's nice as long as they've bonded uh about something outside of yellow card remember message boards just the idea of message boards my my original the first time i ever like used chat rooms was an offspring message board yeah from yeah for the band offspring but it wasn't because like i liked offspring it was just because that was the only place that i could find a chat room yeah so for those of you who are under the age of 30 message boards were like the internet but before any social

media it was kind of like omegle actually yeah so instead of like having a facebook or a myspace that you said oh i like this stuff let me find some like-minded people that also do it was a website that was a message board that you said oh i can't wait to see offspring in oakland and then other people can chime in and say yeah i'll go to that show with you yeah i guess that's like what the internet was good for back in the day and now it's just a whole goddamn mess i wonder if instagram killed message boards uh i feel like they were dead before instagram came around right god i miss like message boards still sort of exist there are still message boards i remember like on aol you can access like alt dot usenet dot it's like pre pre-internet message boards where I would post stuff.

I don't even understand what it was, but it was like text-only, non-website message boards that you can... I was chatting with other Conan O'Brien fans in 1997. Wow. I mean, that's early. I feel like maybe it was like 1998.

I was just trying to cyber with people in the offspring chat. Fuck it. Does anybody just want to cyber? I don't even like offspring. It was all 12 year olds, all pretending to be 19, all cybering with each other. Smash the album is good,

but I'd rather just smash you. I wish I was that clever. So this guy was Jackson, aka atjance1 underscore on Instagram. The third installment of a pop punk parody. Also calling out my friend, John Thorpe, who's honestly a herb.

His band is Club Paradise and they released their latest singer, Closer, on all platforms so you can find it on streaming. Follow us at this is club paradise. Okay. And he'll take one request from each of us. Oh like we can give him a song that we want him to to make a cover of? Yeah can you name another song that you want him to cover yeah dude i was so fucking into the starting line that was like my do you remember the starting line did you ever

did you ever listen to them is that another yellow card song no no it's that's a band i was never on their message board um they're god let me see there. There's a lot of good, oh, The Best of Me. Yeah. You know that song. You know The Best of Me. The best, the best of me. No, not even close, dude. We got older, but we're still young.

You can have the best of me. No. No, I don't know that. It's so good. Have we done we done it i think it's good i don't remember now it definitely felt good at the time have we done an el scorcho weezer have we ever done an el scorcho parody that that transcends pop punk i think we have done that though people have done that for us yeah that's as close as i can get to loving pop punk doing el scorcho fucking love that's not you love pop punk yeah but i never got as into it as you yeah who did uh usenet news

groups that's what i was on that's what i'm looking up i'm just like trying to jog my memory here if anybody was on that conan o'brien usenet news group hit me up it's been 30 years but i'm down to hang they're all dead now man of course uh all right thank you at chance under at chance one underscore can you have an underscore at the end of your handle i feel like that's kind of a cheat i i mean i really appreciate everything this guy's done for us but that's too many plugs he's he gave us his his fucking band here his instagram his friends band they're single and their Instagram. Yeah, no, that's just his personal Instagram.

What are we all supposed to do here? Okay, that's just too much. Yeah, I mean, he gave us a nice little six minutes of content at the top. We talked about Yellowcard. He made an original song for us. And I want him to do the best of me. Trust me, I want him to do the best of me. Yeah, you also have a request for future work. I mean, his Instagram, the band's single,

his friend's Instagram, his band's Instagram. Sorry. And then I think it was his frigging Facebook page and a GoFundMe. No, you're making that last part. And then a link to a Kickstarter that he's doing. We've spent more time making fun of him now than promoting his stuff.

All right, fine. Do you appreciate the underscore at the end of the Instagram handle? I feel like that shouldn't be possible. I mean, it's definitely possible. I feel like that's, it's obviously for somebody that doesn't care

if they have followers or not. Yeah, because you can't tell someone my name is at Jake for underscores. Yeah, no, that's just not going to happen. But I've seen people do cool stuff with underscore where like, it looks interesting. And if you, you know, if your name is searchable, then that'll show up.

Would you rather have at Jake Hurwitz on Instagram or at Jake underscore on Instagram? I think Jake Hurwitz. Okay. What about at Jake Hurwitz or at underscore Jake? That at underscore Jake sounds awful. I would not want that at all. All right. What about at Jake Hurwitz or at J underscore Ake underscore Herbitch69 underscore? I want Herbitch underscore. That's cool.

Yeah. I feel like I could still get that one too. We got a few minor updates before we get into the questions. Updates on what? Two weeks ago, you asked to be someone's godfather. Oh, oh my God. Last week, Rhiannon, pronounced Rhiannon, I'm getting, said, sorry, Rhiannon's mother said,

you can be my daughter's godfather. Sick, okay. You said, I want to see photos of her before i commit and it wasn't but it wasn't like i want to see photos to see if she's that's that makes me sound like so fucking yeah which i called that called you out on i said you wanted to make sure that she looked aryan or some shit no i did not that's insane that you would fucking suggest that anyway this lady katie says i freaked out when you read my email never dreamed you'd see it let alone read it on the pod which is fair

maybe we shouldn't have at all a lady named katie that's right um but here is my daughter and then she sent us photos do you see this photo of this sweet rihanna? Exqueeze me. Oh, she's beautiful. Oh my god. Rhiannon. Are you ready to commit yet? Or do you want to see maybe like a video? She's wrapped up in a fox blanket. She's on the couch. She's drinking a baba.

She's watching TV. Fuck yeah, dude. We can hang. Oh, and here she is at the park. She's got a dress she has big heart sunglasses uh yeah i'm in can i be i can be this i can be rihanna's godfather actually let's let's ask for a video so you can hear her voice maybe she has a dumb voice no i don't need a video i'm in you don't want to commit yet you're talking about my fucking goddaughter right now i was just she might have a dumb voice i was just joking man i mean i'm sure you just made a dumb choice what you shouldn't you shouldn't

make fun of my flesh and blood like that even if she was your goddaughter it wouldn't be your flesh and blood family is a blood bond it doesn't matter if we actually share the blood right that is my flesh and blood you don't okay yes it does matter that's exactly what flesh and blood. You don't. Okay? Yes, it does matter. That's exactly what flesh and blood means, that you share the blood. You can't say it doesn't matter if we share the blood. She's my flesh and blood. Don't tell me I don't... She's not your flesh and blood. Don't tell me that my goddaughter is not my flesh and blood.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. Your goddaughter is your goddaughter, which is a nice bond, a great bond, a spiritual connection, but she's not your flesh and blood. That's reserved for actual relatives. I'm sorry. you're talking about my ancestors okay no i'm not yes no i'm not yes yes you are my my heir yeah great-grandfather or something is your ancestor okay okay well look this is my family no straight fruit from the family tree i'll give you better believe it i'll give you family but you can't specify flesh and blood you're pissed or something or something all right let's go to it i'm one thing i'm pissed

another you're talking about riannon my daughter another non-question email we got uh something it says uh jake needs to see this and it was an ad i don't know if you saw this i forwarded it to you oh it's an ad for a tube that lets you piss inside of thinner water bottles while you drive yes okay so here somebody has been sending uh somebody sent me something like this on instagram also yeah it's like this plastic tube it's thick at the top so you can stick your dick in it and then it curves down with us with a tiny little thin funnel that you can attach to a water bottle. Right.

It's a funnel. It's a long funnel with a hose. This is... Okay. So this product is stupid. Because? Because your dick is the hose. You don't need a second hose.

This thing is like, put your penis in this hose. This hose goes into a bottle. Your penis is the hose. This hose goes into a bottle. Your penis is the hose. Your penis goes into the bottle. This is adding an extra step. Now you have two things that are... Also, you have two things covered in piss in your car. And the bottle doesn't have...

And the funnel doesn't have a cap. The bottle at least has a cap. It doesn't smell once you cap it. I guess it's like a way of pissinging it's a way of pissing inside the bottle but a little cleaner because the way you do it you need to get a gatorade bottle and there might be well yeah this one this one has the guy pissing into a regular like poland spring bottle which does have too too thin of an opening but i don't think you need all of this accoutrement there's a splash guard too.

I mean, God forbid, you obviously can't use this one while you're driving. Yeah, this guy's in the backseat. You can't improve upon the Gatorade bottle. You can't improve upon the Gatorade bottle. Somebody sent me one thing that was close and I'll tell you what it was. It was a frigging Martinelli's glass apple. It was actually kind of what this thing is,

which is like that little, that hose. It looks like a little accordion. Yeah. But this thing, it could scrunch up and it was like a kind of little, like a little disc. And then you unscrunch it, it's the accordion. You piss directly into that. Okay.

Okay? So you're saying the bottle slash accordion is all one product.ion is all one product. It's all one product. You do not need an intermediary between your dick and the bottle. Like, the penis should go directly into the bottle. There is no need for a funnel. Like, pee into the bottle.

Not pee into a thing, then into the bottle. Why would you do that? And I don't want to get too crass because I know my goddaughter listens to this podcast. I don't think she listens. I don't think she listens. Trust me, Rhiannon is allowed to listen to the show. She's a big girl. Don't worry about Rhiannon, okay? That's her parents' decision. That's her flesh and blood decision. Don't tell me how to raise my girl, all right? You're not raising her. Don't tell me how to raise my fucking girl. I think you're kind of misunderstanding what goddaughter means. You think you're kind of misunderstanding what god daughter means

you think you're raising this child no i am god i am god and this is my daughter and i appreciate that thank you the guy and the guy in this funnel demo is not holding the bottle i should say that's a very precarious situation he's in yeah i mean this is obviously a photo op he's there's no chance that he's peeing you can't just put your dick into this hose and pee straight up. This is not how peeing in the car looks. And that's coming from somebody who has peed in the car easily a thousand times. You know what this is? This guy has pulled over and now he's in his backseat.

So car's not moving. The water bottle's on the floor and he's got some more room to entertain this idea. And obviously, if you're going to do that, then you might as well just piss onto the side of the road because what this dude is doing here in this photo is just collecting pee for some reason. Maybe it's like a crowded highway. I pee in the bottle out of absolute necessity. Yeah, but if it's like a crowded area and you don't want to piss on the side of the road. Yeah, I mean, I don't want to piss on the side of the road, but the way this guy is,

he's in the back seat. It looks like it's just just or you know what it probably is he's in a lift so this guy's like ubering somewhere and stop and go and he's like gets into a lift with like a messenger bag it's like excuse me do you mind i don't even think you ask i think you just sort of whip out your hog slide it into the funnel, and go to town. And be like, sorry, I know I should be gripping the bottle to make sure it doesn't spill, but can you drive a little smoother? If you're a real pro, your dick is always in the funnel. And then you're just putting the funnel into a bottle whenever you see one but you should always have your dick in the funnel and you can direct the pee anywhere and you're not your penis isn't exposed because it's only pee coming from a

funnel do you think a funnel is called that because it's a fun tunnel um yeah i do yeah i think funnel is a fun tunnel and i think that's i would imagine that's why that word is called that it's cool yeah because they're usually like brightly colored and like funny do you think the channel the channel in england is called the channel because it's a chill tunnel yeah that's why that's called the chunnel so there's a chunnel there's a funnel and then there's tunnels why do you think they call it a tunnel a tunnel is probably because it's a timid little chunnel yeah i think so so so the time yeah so the tunnel is a is a chunnel but it's a little shy about it. Yeah.

So it's a timid tunnel. It's like a tight funnel, sort of like a tunnel for short. Cool. All right, let's get to a real question, for Christ's sakes. It's about time. We'll call this lady Rhiannon, because I guess she's your daughter now. That's right. I wonder, Katie, if you're listening uh let us know where you live

yeah because you haven't you'll never you might not ever meet rianne and she might live like it'd be nice to invite him to a live show sometime if we do one near them and i can meet my god daughter that's a four-year-old at the live show all right uh i recently don't tell me how to raise my fucking kid all right i didn't tell you she can go to go to a live show. It's fun. It's fun. Okay? No. It's a good time. I'm saying it's not.

We'll keep it light. It doesn't have to get too crass. Yes, it does. I'm not going to be a... It always gets crass. And this girl's four. Okay. All right. Easy does it.

She's not four. She's like three, but fine. Anyway. Yeah. Rhiannon writes, I met this guy in school who's taken an interest in me and I have no desire to reciprocate. He didn't seem like a bad guy and just not particularly interesting. Yeah. a true unadulterated love for Charlie Sheen and his new show, as well as Two and a Half Men. He finds both to be genuinely funny, which I find concerning. He also called Game of Thrones stupid, as well as just House MD for being uninteresting. I feel horribly disinclined to even keep up any

contact now. However, due to social circles and clubs, it's inevitable that I run into this guy at least once in a while, and he asks me to hang out more than once how do i let things fade away without directly crushing him also would you date someone who has a dissimilar interest in the tv that you watch thanks love riannon uh so i don't think we need to tell her how to dis like fade away from someone you can just sort of stop talking to them yeah tell them to leave you alone i mean especially like this guy has a he has like an interest in her and she doesn't want to have anything to do with him so she should definitely not feel bad that he also doesn't share her tv yeah my question is would you date somebody

who has tv taste that's so dissimilar from your own? I don't, it's sort of a loaded question, you know, because, because yes, I would date somebody that had different TV tastes, but it would kind of depend what they are. Like, I know smart people that like trashy reality television. And even though I don't like watching reality tv i'm like not gonna knock them for having a guilty pleasure that's right but like if if somebody is like thinks all of the critically acclaimed shows that i like are stupid and loves charlie sheen i would imagine that we have less in common like beyond tv you know yeah it's tough because like guilty pleasures are one thing like you say like The Bachelor I know a lot of like genuinely funny

nice interesting smart people that just enjoy the competition aspect of those shows or like watching it almost like as a sociological experiment uh and then there's stuff like oh i don't get like that's different to me than like i don't like succession or game of thrones or breaking bad or calling them stupid like why don't you like them do you not understand them are you like beyond them i want to know what you don't like and then liking like network tv shows like big bang theory and right two and a half men what does that say i think that would be more of my line than like reality tv shows like Big Bang Theory and Two and a Half Men. What does that say? I think that would be more my line than reality TV shows. If somebody liked really broad, shitty network comedy, if they just liked new NBC lineups,

if they just loved all of the new network television sitcoms, I think I would be more unnerved than if they liked reality TV and stuff. I'd also be upset if they didn't like shows like Succession and Game of Thrones and some of my all-time faves, The Wire. Yeah. I know my girlfriend loves Game of Thrones, and I found it boring, and that's a source of tension. How could you not like that show? And I'm like, I don't know.

I guess I just didn't find it interesting. Yeah. I mean, Jill didn't like a source of tension. Like, how could you not like that show? And I'm like, I don't know. I guess I just didn't find it interesting. Yeah. I mean, Jill didn't like Game of Thrones either, but it wasn't really a source of tension. I mean, she just doesn't like fucking dragons. But yeah, that's not liking Game of Thrones, I think is more understandable than not liking Succession. Succession is just such an amazing show. Yeah.

I feel like it's objectively great. Yeah. Every episode is a gosh darn A. Like there's not even like a boring scene. Every episode is so amazing. Like story-wise alone, let alone the dialogue and like how everybody's acting and what it looks like. And the performances.

Oh my God. Yeah. Did you like the rap? The Kendall rap, L to the OG? Yeah. Wait, you mean like, did I like it like as a musical piece or as like a story? As a story thing. Yeah, yeah.

I agree that it was, it seemed like it was maybe a little more for just the comedy of it than for the story. But I think it still serves the purpose of the story. Yeah, it seemed like for, I mean, it was hilarious. But I was like, would Kendall really do that? Or are they just like, rich people sometimes act crazy like this? It felt like it was shoehorned into his specific story. Yeah, I don't think it fully is in Kendall's character, especially when like last episode he was shattered in the kitchen of like who he, like, sort of accidentally killed's house. Yeah, are we to assume he went home that night and started writing his cipher?

Right. But I think that, like, story-wise, you know, think about where Kendall needs to be right now. He's, like, completely kind of, like, losing control in drugs and off the rails again. And I think that scene served to show Logan, like his kids don't get him, but Shiv does. Yeah. It's also funny that like eight minutes after that rap, he walked up to his fling and was like,

you said awesome a lot in front of my dad, which means you're stupid. You embarrassed us. Yeah. You put on a baseball jersey and wrapped you're the bigger embarrassment dude yeah it's hard to imagine like why kendall what like wearing kendall's head uh it's like dad will like this yeah if if you like he's been his he's been his dad's like agent his little fixer this entire season, and then he does a weird rap.

But I also think that it's partly because of him sliding off the rails. If I told you before the episode, one of his sons, to honor his father, would perform a rap for him, would you have guessed it was Kendall, Roman, or Connor that would do it? Kendall would have been my last guess. Yeah. I would have been torn between Roman and Connor. Right. And Connor did something pretty stupid. The super dad, I super love you, super dad.

I super love you, super dad. But that was like cringy and like seemingly a little bit more in Connor's character. And Shiv would never do it at all. Right. And she did not which tracks but i think i think more well it's it's weird to be like we get we give the show an a and now nitpick it but hey that's television i i think more like i was more confused why rea would throw this huge party for him in the first place. Yeah, well, she doesn't know him.

She doesn't know him like his kids do. But that just seems like such a strange leap for her to go out on. Yeah, a big swing. Yeah, and too big of a swing. She's calculating and smart. That's what she showed in the episode before this one. And then for her to be completely tone deaf in this one didn't quite make a lot of sense to me.

It ended up winning her the job at the end. Did you think he was going to say Rhea or did you think he was going to say Shiv when he took that dramatic beat? I knew he was going to say Rhea because now they know that someone has to take the fall. Right, for that other story. Right.

All right. This should just become a succession podcast. I wish. Sure, only 11% of the listeners actually watch the show, but it's still interesting for everybody. Yeah, I bet a lot of people hated what we just did. Don't at us.

Alright, let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll answer some more questions after this. Later. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one,one first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace.

Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah.

But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name

for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase

and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes,

and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a little crass and my goddaughter listens to this show. Oh my god. Godmother, I'm coming. No, easy. Easy. You're not even the godmother.

Cool it. Cool it. You're going to have to cool it, bud. Pop the brakes there. Do you even know who her godmother is? No, but I'm going to have to, I guess I'm going to have to be with her if anything happens to Rhiannon's mom. So we should figure that out.

We should definitely meet. Somebody tweeted at me that said that that story we had about two godparents having to raise a child together is already a movie i forget what it's called yeah interesting that makes sense yeah um uh oh yeah all right wait two things i have unsolicited advice but okay uh unrelated just because i was thinking you said that thing about movies and you know every once in a while, you see a movie that you're like, this would never get made today.

Like, Meet Joe Black is an example of a movie that just doesn't make any sense. It's such a strange idea. And in the early 2000s or the late 90s, it was just like, yeah, I guess Brad Pitt will do it, so it'll be a movie. I saw The Talented talented mr ripley last night have you ever seen that movie yeah i saw it like years ago brad pitt is in that one too is it or

matt no no it's matt damon and jude law right it's a really good movie but there's just no world where it exists in in like modern day because it doesn't make any statement not really It's just like a strange journey with Matt Damon being a weirdo. That's the log line. But it's really fun to watch because Matt Damon and Jude Law are young and hot. Yeah, that's good. Not really my unsolicited advice, though. It's like a con man, right? Some guy pretends to be friends or pretends to be rich or something. Right. But there's no motivation for him to do it. You're just like, why is is this happening why is he suddenly being a con man all i remember is that somebody got killed on a boat like got whacked in the face with an oar yeah that's it's such a it's a really bizarre movie um any whom my unsolicited advice is uh physical therapy oh whether you need it or not honestly honestly yeah

a little bit if you have any pain if you have pain uh it's probably due to like how you move and you should go check out a physical therapist's office and see what's what because it's almost like regular therapy you don't have to be suffering to get some use out of it. Totally. And I confided in my physical therapist today and they were not interested in the problem. You opened up. I wept for 10 straight minutes. Well, that was because your back hurt. Yeah. So I pulled my back or something.

I fucked up my back this weekend. Which happens to you like four times a year. Yeah, I believe it. So the last time it happened was in may and before that i think it had been a year but it's twice that's twice this year already yeah um and it's i guess it's it just feels like a pinch or like a quick pull a pop and then it's just like I'm laid up for three days. You don't know what causes it. It's always something different. Sometimes it's really straightforward.

I'm climbing and I pull on something and I feel it in my back. In May, I lifted a kettlebell and I felt a little pop. But my back just seizes up. I go into a hunch. There's a ton of nerve pain it feels like spasming just like crippling blinding shooting pain yeah in in my back and this past weekend i believe there was not any like inciting incident but i played a lot of soccer on sunday or on saturday with my dad and his like pickup soccer crew.

Yeah, they beat you up. It's honestly, it's a bunch of like, some guys are as young as like, there's something like Yale kids in their 20s, but most of the dudes are over 40. A lot of people in their 50s. I mean, my dad's in his 60s and they run circles around me and they also yell at me. I'm pretty bad, but I'm fast. I'm not good, but I have a lot of heart. You're Rudy.

I cover a lot of ground. Yeah. And because I'm bad at soccer, I have to run around a lot. I have to be... I cannot be fatigued. Indefatigable or infatigable? Indefatigable. I'll go indefatigable. I think it's indefatigable.

But I was feeling... My legs were just feeling super tight. My hip flexors are super tight. And then I was on Sunday just trying on a pair of pants. And there was no pull, but just all of a sudden my back just started like locking up. Wow. My sister came over to help me because I couldn't do shit. And the elevator, she was buzzing and I couldn't even get to the door. When I finally got there, I like inched my way up. I let her in and I was in so much pain that I couldn't move. I couldn't walk back to the couch. I couldn't sit down. I couldn't even like get down.

All I could do was stand still. And then eventually it was like seizing so bad that I fell on the ground. Oh my God. It was awful. Truly insane. We had a doctor had to come to the house because I couldn't leave. He put you down. He gave me a, he gave me like a shot in my ass. Jesusesus are you sure this was a doctor it was just a guy i ordered time postmates and he's like i have an idea this is fucking insane but hear me out does this dude give you a shot and it he was trying to examine me and i could on my couch. I could not turn over. It was so painful that I couldn't turn over. Did he flick the needle?

Doctors seem to do that before sticking needles up your ass. If I know anything. I was in such blinding pain that I don't remember. It's truly, I like blacked out. Did you cry? No, I did not cry. But I yelled, made guttural sounds. Yeah.

I wonder if crying would have helped. Probably. It would have been like a release. I was definitely depressed enough to cry on Sunday when it happened because I've been traveling so much and I was just so looking forward to seven straight days in New York and doing errands and getting stuff done and going on runs in the park. And then on Sunday,

I'm just limping back to my apartment and I was dejected down. I don't know. I was so sad. But anyway, this morning, Jill had made an appointment with a physical therapist and this lady she was like just seeing all of the ways that i was moving she was like put your hands on your thighs and just like slide down bend as far as you can get down i could like basically get to my mid thigh that i couldn't bend over at all i was turning to the left and right

um she's like asking me where my pain was and then she just massaged my back and like rubbed uh put like there's some kind of stone involved uh she massaged my glutes and i got up and all of the pain was gone. You cheated on her. Chill. She massaged my glutes and the doctor gave me a shot in the ass. I ended up having a fucking three-way. Everyone's massaging people's asses. That's why I love physical therapy. It was a fucking lemon party.

No, but like, I mean, granted today I was in way less pain. Today is Thursday and this happened on Sunday. So I was already able to like stand upright and walk and stuff. But like I was still very tight. And this lady, I asked, I was like, if I came in here on Monday, like when it was the height of the pain, would you have been able to get this result? And she was like, we're closed on Monday. And then I was like, if we met on Monday. And she said, yes.

I don't know if I believe her, but it's definitely worth a try if you have chronic pain or if you pull your back like I did. It would have been so sad if you're like, if I came in on monday and did this would you've been able to help and she says we're closed on monday and then you had no follow-up questions very good that was a test to see if you knew your hours i have no follow-ups you caught me such a dry answer you know what i meant dude i'm like in fucking pain and you're being like a smart ass about it speaking of smart

ass will you inject my ass yeah but i i really i think physical therapy could be could be the goat move man i wonder if i should do it do you have any chronic pain uh no but i can figure something out like um maybe if i twist an ankle or if like i sleep on my like a really bad pillow and my neck hurts and shit yeah that's interesting she did say that like your your body can get tight when it's like doing a lot of work to stabilize you in a way that should be like natural and taking minimal work which which kind of makes sense to me like i feel like it all stems from my hurt feet and my balance is weird because of that and i walk weird because of that so like i i'm putting a lot of extra pressure on my body to just

like hold myself together jesus so i'm like so now physical therapy is like is like the idea of retraining my body to just uh be like naturally strong yeah you think you'll be able to do that though i guess you're aren't you getting foot surgery yeah i'm getting surgery in on november 26th and right before surgery you can also ask for the anesthesia to be administered through your ass. I'm gonna shot my, you know, I'm also getting my wisdom teeth out

on November 5th. What? I'll get the shot for that on my ass as well. It won't numb my gums, but at least I won't know where I'm sitting, whether it's on my ass or not. I didn't know. I feel like you would have's on my ass or not. I didn't know. I feel like you would have already had to get your wisdom teeth out, right?

You know, that's the interesting thing. I have gotten my wisdom teeth out, but only on the right side. Huh. So your left side wisdom teeth is just coming out? Yeah, it was weird. I had pain on my right side, and i went to the dentist in connecticut um they removed my wisdom teeth and i got like a follow-up check with with like the dent with another dentist and he's like why did they only do the right side and i was like i don't know that's all they did and

he's like and he was like mad at them he's like if you if they put you under and like give you the surgery they should just do everything. When did you do that? When did you get your other wisdom teeth out? That was in 2013. Fun fact, that was one of me and Jill's original dates. Really? I don't even remember you getting your wisdom teeth out. It happened just before we moved to New York.

Really? Yeah. Oh, sorry. We moved to LA, I mean. You must have not complained about it. Yeah. I guess I didn't. I guess complaining is sort of something I do now. yeah well you must sorry move to la i mean you must have not complained uh yeah i probably i guess i didn't uh i guess complaining is sort of something i do now yeah 34 wait am i 34 or 30 yeah i'm 34 right oh jesus no way i'm 33 or 34 i don't know you're bedridden so maybe you're 94

i think i'm 34 you? I'm honestly not sure. Of course you're 34. Your birthday was in 85. Yeah. I know. I know. No, you don't. I know. You just tried to change your fucking birthday on the podcast thinking I wouldn't know.

I think I'm 29, dude. I don't think so. I feel like it. All right. Here's another question we can answer. All right. Question made me laugh. I'm a 24-year-old guy. Do you know any 24 year

old guys? Kyle Kuzma. Kyle Kuzma writes, I'm a 24 year old guy and I've gotten a friendship problem I need some advice on. So I was recently moving out of my apartment and needed some help moving a couch. A friend of mine offered to help. However, on the day of, she didn't answer my call or text confirming if she'd still be able to help me. She texted me back three hours later and said, so sorry, my friend and I went on an unexpected shopping spree, lol.

Oh my god. We're about to eat, but I can totally help out afterwards if that works for you. It'd be funny if he called her bluff. Yeah, just waiting on you, so whenever. After shopping sp whenever, after shopping's free After you eat, I'll be here At this point

I had asked a maintenance guy at my apartment To help, because I had to be out of the apartment On a specific day, and I couldn't afford to wait for her They should ask the maintenance guy To move it back in She's coming, I swear It's the next day now And my question is What do I do now?

Do I tell her she did a sucky thing? After all, she's the one that offered to help. I wasn't even planning on asking her. Or do I just let it go? It's not like she can go back in time and help me out. P.S., we've only been friends for three weeks. Should that factor in at all? Weird.

It's weird to have a friend for three weeks. It's hard to know if somebody's your friend until it's like two years in it's such a gradual fade well here's a pretty solid test three weeks of friendship she offers to move a couch and then doesn't show up and has a an abysmal excuse she's shopping spree instead it's so weird like moving a couch requires just two people so if you don't show up it's not like oh like do you still need help like that you were the only thing you were the hell you went on a shopping spree lol and don't tell me that you didn't look at your phone for three hours because that would be a world fucking record. No way. Nobody goes on such an insane spree that they don't even look at their phone.

Yeah. If anything, you look at your phone more. You're taking pictures, sending it to people, asking what they think of your spree. Yeah. You're waiting in line when you're at these stores too. That's prime phone time. Oh, yeah. And by the way, it's not like, oh, hey, sorry.

I'm ready to come over it's like i went on a shopping spree and now i'm going to eat and i can still totally come after i've done two things that i prioritized over helping you yeah but i also wouldn't like two two theories one it's it it is the nascent stages of a friendship yeah three weeks if this is the kind of thing that you want you know to establish that you don't like to be bailed on that you want a dependable friend maybe it's worth saying but also it's the nascent stages of a friendship and it's kind of weird to get into a fight you know yeah you don't want to be like you really disappointed me three weeks into the friendship i don't know if our friendship

can last the full six weeks now yeah i think i would probably just be a little passive aggressive and like when she said if that works for you um I would have just responded like, no, I'm all good. Or something like that. Something where she would be like, is everything okay? And then you have to answer, yeah, it's fine. I'm just a little bummed you ditched me. No, I would even answer. I would just be curt, cut it off, say you don't need any help.

And then I would imagine that she'll eventually apologize and say that she's sorry. And if she doesn't? Then I would probably hold a petty grudge for a long time. We'll call that strike one and see if she fucks up as a friend ever again. But moving a couch is also a very difficult thing. She never confirmed, and you didn't really follow up well i guess i need to know the timeline i'd like to read all of the text messages here yeah see like was it like hey can you help me out october 29th and then like nothing else happened

for three weeks it couldn't be that because they've only been friends for three weeks right i i do want to know like the extent of the promise. Was it like a casual like, yeah, if you need help, let me know. And then it's like day of, he's like, hey, I need help.

Yeah. You know, then it's totally she's in the right, I think. Yeah. It's also easy to say, yeah, I'll help you move a couch

in a week and a half. And then like when push comes to shove. But I want screenshots. I want to follow up pup and i want screenshots all right if you're listening kuzma we need more information d not enough information to answer i want to do i want to do a good job with this one my my goddaughter's listening after all yeah i want to i want to make her proud i want to make her yeah i don't know

i don't think she is listening i want her to have respect for her old man is all. You're not her old man. I guess that makes me old-fashioned, but I think a job well done is a prime example for a young one. You're starting to talk differently. I think that's pretty damn important. I guess I do. Yeah.

I guess I just want to be a role model is all. I know what you want. Yep. I understand what just want to be a role model is all. I know what you want. Yep. I understand what you want. You're not a role model. I think it's a little cheesy, but I like to set an example. I like to set an example for my fucking kid. She doesn't know who you are.

All right. She doesn't fucking know who you are. Of course she doesn't. Her mom just listens to your podcast rihanna we turn the other cheek when they go low we go high she's not listening i don't mind you can say you can call me anything you want you could say i'm an idiot but you're an idiot set a prime example for my you shut the fuck up you little piece so i can't say shut the fuck up okay you gotta stand up for yourself too i try not to lose my temper can i say whatever i want or can i not because you're getting really mad at me i try not to lose my temper

when my kids listen to the fucking podcast you're losing it extra hard knowing she's listening she's like riling you or some shit i guess i'm a little on edge because i'm a new dad okay i guess i'm a little i'm sorry if i'm a little fucking little frazzled right now that's yeah it's to be expected this is all sprung on me super fucking last minute i don't think you should do this job i think it's like getting to you in a weird way i i resent that you even call it a job it's a privilege to raise little Rhiannon. That's cool. Yeah. All right.

That's it. Those are our shows. Sorry, those are our questions. That's our show. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening song was, of course, that yellow card parody by Jackson.

Yeah, with the underscore. Yeah, this closing one is Tony, who says, I have zero experience singing, recording, or editing a song, but here it goes. Wow. Nothing to shout out but his girlfriend Cassie and his sister Teresa. Okay. I love it already. How about that?

How about... It's a beautiful song that moves us all to tears. For more If I Were You, we have video episodes every Thursday on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. And as always, we'll be back next week. Happy Jewish New Year, everyone. Happy New Year. Mommy, turn off the podcast Better call the Game Boy

Can you relate? Do you have some advice? Have you heard of John Wolf? And when I say Hey, surgery, dude Can we, like, go paintball or something, dude? Can I get Yes, dude! Yes, dude. Can we, like, go paintball or something, dude? Can I get... Yes, dude!

Yes, dude! My question's answered. Jake and Amir. It's poweryoushow.com. Let these Jews die in a star bug. So, Dot, to you, I need some help. Wow, I'm gonna fucking cum! It's getting worse.