Segments - 404: Soup to Nuts (Lightning Round)

Episode Date: October 14, 2019

In this episode we discuss ovens, bedding, shoes, fantasy football, Twitter, and our favorite pasta shapes.For more "If I Were You" check out Bonus Thursday Video episodes on our Patreon.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah.

Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm

gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. The girl's always look way hotter when you're dating someone else. You dream about flirting with her, but that is a big must-tick. Just look at the girl beside you. She might even be the one. She can't even surround you. What are you waiting for? If I were you.

If I were you. You got the problem. They gonna solve them. Take it from me. Just send an email in about your situation. They gonna help you. It's the show.

If I were you. Last name Gonsalves. Let the blowfish blow. Last name Gonsalves. Gonsalves. So he's putting it in the theme song for us so we don't have to worry about like how to pronounce his last name. Finally. It's about time. Gonsalves. Yeah, that's Justin Gonsalves,

our most prolific theme songwriter. He said Gonsalves, and you just said Gonsalves. What is it, sis? He said Gonsalves. Gonsalves. Sorry, I was so busy not messing up the C being a K

that I forgot. Gonsalves is what we used to say. Now it's Gonsalves. Gonsalves. Let's start over. Justine? Justine. Justine Gonsalves. Goncalves. Let's start over. Justine? Justine. Justine Goncalves.

Thank you, Justine. No. Appreciate it. I really do. That was, of course, an Under the Sea parody. Yes. Did we ask for that? No.

That's not a thing that we asked. It seemed so out of the realm. Yeah, it's so specific. Yeah, it was strange for me to hear it. Why did he want it that way specifically? I feel like he must have thought of the chorus first, right? Oh, that's how it works. Because like, under the sea, if I were you.

But that doesn't even rhyme. Right, but like it's the same amount of syllables. Yeah, if the podcast was called If You Were Me, then under the sea would make more sense. But this is If I Were You, not If You Were Me. Advice podcast, only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. Right. I'm Amir.

I'm Jake. Jake, you're laying down supine on a couch, back update, feeling better? My back is feeling much better, but it's still a little tender a little tight a little fragile in a way okay so we're on high alert yeah like if you're not doing a back exercise you're not doing a kettle swing anytime i've done two days of yoga for back pain with uh yoga with adrian that's a youtube video yes and how was that um stretches your back yeah adrian's been taking great care of me it's the last two days all right that's goodretches your back? Yeah. Adrian's been taking great care of me these last two days. All right.

That's good. It's like light back stretching and stuff. I don't know if this is too much, but I figured we'd do a lightning round episode today. I don't know if your back can handle that. Well, speaking of injuries, though, I saw you tweeted last week that you were having some kind of leg numbness. Yeah. You ever stand up and you're like, whoa, I stood up too fast

or I'm lightheaded or something like that. Yeah. So it's not exactly that, but it's to the point where I stand up and then I like feel lightheaded

and then it feels like, you know, when you finish jumping on a trampoline and your legs feel like dead. Yeah, a little bit. So it's like that, but only in my left leg.

And then it goes away after a few seconds. That seems weird. So it seems like really my left leg and then it goes away after a few seconds that seems weird so it seems like really really bad and then it seems fine so I'm always like oh shit

and then I'm like oh it's fine and then I sit down for a while I stand up again I'm like do you like forget that it's gonna happen

yeah so it's always like when you're getting up quickly it happens if you're thinking about it beforehand if you're like

yeah I'm gonna get up now but getting up quickly is a misnomer everyone gets up at the same I'm going to get up now. But getting up quickly is a misnomer. Everyone gets up at the same rate. I can't get up slower. You just get up. But I guess you're not mentally preparing for it. It's sort of like a, it's like, oh,

I got to get up. And it fades in and out. Yeah, it doesn't happen instantly either. So I get up and I walk a few steps. I'm like, whoa, okay. Oh, this is weird. I'm dizzy. Oh, this is bad. Okay, I'm fine. And then I forget about it for the rest of the day. And you still haven't gone to a doctor? No.

I don't even know how to specifically describe it, let alone which doctor I go to. You did a pretty good job with me. All right, thanks. If you're listening and you're a doctor out there. Also, everyone, I tweeted about it hoping that it was a common thing. I was like, oh, yeah, left leg numb syndrome or whatever the fuck. But everyone was weighing in that it was like, oh, maybe you have low low blood pressure but i checked my blood pressure because my parents have a blood pressure thing in their house hey your dad is a doctor that's right you fucking know my blood pressure

is fine interesting so yeah didn't they say like a an iron deficiency too could be that could be an iron deficiency but my blood test is normal as of like a few months ago i don't know i'll keep everybody abreast of course oh did i ever tell you remember last a few months ago. I don't know. I'll keep everybody abreast, of course. Oh, did I ever tell you? Remember a few weeks ago, you were talking about your garbage disposal being backed up? Yeah. And there was a quarter stuck in there?

Uh-huh. The tenant who's living at my house in LA, that very next week, complained that the garbage disposal was broken. And it turned out there was a teaspoon in it really yeah and it was jammed and it was jammed so what'd you do well i'm not there uh but miguel went over and he probably used the tool i used yeah he turned it backwards and he was able to take it out i asked him too i could have done it yeah i know i should have called you whatever you

paid him i would have done it for double well yeah i know well it's like a celebrity handyman service or some shit well the people that live there probably wouldn't i'm an influencer so i'd be like hey what's up let's take a instagram or whatever and then i'd monetize it i could have monetized how would you monetize it like what did you pay miguel to fix it 50 bucks or something yeah he's like 50 bucks i'd have done for 100 and i would have posted about it on my instagram story and i would have tagged everyone there. I don't care about that. It's really easy to do that. Yeah, I don't want you to. For me, I almost prefer to do it in that fashion.

Yeah, because then you get $100. Yeah, $100, and then I can use, I sort of pimp out my social influence in a way. The guy staying there right now is a French soccer player. He has like a million followers. Really? Yeah. He doesn't care about you. So then I would have done it.

It's Giroud. Oh my God. I would have done it for free if knowing it was Zidane staying at your house. He headbutts me away. All right. So we did a call to action on our tweets, our tweeters, asking people for as many questions as humanly possible. We're going to try to answer them all in the next, let's say, 12 hours.

Okay. Wow. That's a lot of time, but I don't have anything else to do. Okay. Do you have anyone that stood out to you right off the bat? Oh, yeah. I thought this was an interesting question, even though I don't have an answer at the moment. But Logan Morrison asks, what is something you do that you know makes no sense or isn't useful, but you do it anyway? Example, checking your phone, even if there was no vibration or notification. Yeah, that's like a phone addiction problem, not so much a weird superstition that we have. Right, like a tick. I definitely have superstitions that are weird.

Oh, here's a good one for me. Whenever I park, I put on my emergency brake, even if it's a flat land. And that's sort of like not, I don't know if it's an East Coast, West Coast thing, but a lot of people don't use their e-brake unless they're like, it's necessary on a hill. Like I'll park in my carport and it's perfectly flat

and I turn on the emergency brake and then I turn my car off. I don't need to do that. No, not at all. It's interesting. I grew up doing that. My parents are always emergency brake people and I broke in the habit. I don't use it.

Oh, you don't do it anymore. I think it was because when I got my truck, the e-brake, it's not like just in the console. It's like easy to put up and down. Yeah. It's like a pedal that you have to press really hard and then like yank this. I like a good hand crank e-brake. Right. I don't have that

in my car anymore. But how often are you riding, are you like driving your car and be like, oh, the emergency brake's on? Well,

I can't even move my car unless it's off. Oh, wow. So like I'll start backing up and it just goes, I was like, oh right,

I left it on. This thing that I didn't even have to have. All the time when I'm at home because my parents put their emergency brake on, I'll just be like driving the car like this is driving weird oh right the emergency brake yeah just riding with the e-brake that's a good car thing

that we don't know when the emergency brake is on and what does that mean yeah what is what does it look like when i'm cranking it right that is weird and when i'm jerking him off in the car what does it look like when i'm cranking it? Yeah. Well, you know what that looks like because you're showing up on all those red light camps. You know what happened to me yesterday? It was the weirdest thing. I was getting into my car, license plate, head gum. And I'm like, it's weird that nobody has seen this or like if they have, they haven't like.

Put two and two together. Yeah. Or like tried to get my attention. And it happened on the way home right after I had that thought. Somebody was honking at me and gave me a thumbs up. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. But it was so weird that I had that thought and then it happened for the way home right after I had that thought. Somebody was honking at me and gave me a thumbs up. Oh, that's fun. Yeah. But it was so weird that I had that thought and then it happened for the first time.

I had a really nice fan interaction in New York City last week. I was just walking from the subway and I was walking and somebody just tapped me on the shoulder. And I turned and he just showed me his phone and he was listening to NADDPod. Wow. And then he just gave me a thumbs up and kept on walking. He was holding, it was an audio book of Mein Kampf and he gave you a thumbs up and kept walking. I think my thing that I do that doesn't make any sense is I try, I have like a weird tick of like when I'm leaving a place for a long time, like if I'm leaving my apartment for a few days

or if I'm in a hotel room and I'm checking out, I try to look out the window and have the window be the last thing I look out of in the room. Just in case something terrible happens and you want to die with that image burned in your mind's eye. Yeah. It almost feels like as long as I see the sky before I leave somewhere, I'll see. The sky in your mind's eye.

What's your favorite meal, Nicholas writes, that your parents cook? Patchek distweet. Okay. Two. All right. So my mom makes these bomb-ass calzones. Interesting. And she also does this really cute little thing with the dough

where she writes a letter of everybody's name in the calzones. And she takes specific orders of who wants what in their calzone. Wow. Because me and Micah like meat in the calzone. The triplets and Hannah like a lot of veggies. That's cool. My mom sits me down with a fucking kid cuisine

and gives me two options. I'm sorry. Nuke it or toaster oven. Your mom cooks a lot of food. Does your dad cook anything? He grills. So I would say my top two are like when my dad

makes steak on the grill, which is very good. And then my mom makes a very good, again, my favorite food, matzo ball soup. Soup, yeah.

My dad makes, he used to call it broiler chicken. And I thought that was just like a nickname for it, but it just, he like cooked it on a char broiler. Yeah, that's another thing I'm not really sure about. Like an oven broils, but what is a broil? Is that like when it's 600 Fahrenheit or something? It's really hot. Like my oven at home, like when Jill tells me to preheat the oven and it's like the two options are broil and bake and i'm like both are gonna be hot right what is what is 450 i think it has to do with like if the heat's coming from just the bottom or the bottom and the top

yeah but then if it's it's heating the box what is convection yeah everything seems it's just a hot box or a not hot box i don't know shit, my dad's chicken and my mom's calzone. I love that. My mom also makes bomb ass cookies. Oh, that's right. Jake's mom's cookies.com. Guys, order yourself a box. Order yourself a calzone. Yeah, you could do a special request for a calzone.

Here's a fun one. Jack Shearing writes, is the s or the c silent in scent huh the s because it's in scent like sense like the sense of smells right yeah but like i think so then the s must be silent i don't know i would say the c is silent because it's an s word to me. But then, well, there's also scent. Like it's both, both versions are scent. I don't know why my argument was that scent. That's right. That's why it's a tricky question. I think it's the S and the C make their own sound and it's the same.

It's the, and same is spelled S-C-A-M-E. I think the S is doing the heavy lifting because it starts with the letter S. And I'm honestly done answering that question. There's not really a time when an S is silent besides from that, is there? Oh, that's a good question. Is there ever a silent S?

A silent S? Psycho? No, that's... The P is silent. Yeah. Of course. I think S's just are not silent. So C's are the things that...

Are C's are silent? C's are silent sometimes. A silent S. Huh. Silent S. And now I'm doubting that C's are silent. But sometimes C's are S's. That's a common question.

Because I searched that and it goes, is S or C silent and sent? Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter. Is there an answer? No, this is a common question, because I searched that and it goes, is S or C silent and scent? Oh, whatever. It doesn't matter. Is there an answer? No, there's no answer. It's either one. It's which one you want.

Choose your own adventure. Okay. Here's a production question. Yeah. Jeffrey Steck asks, do you fly to LA every week, or have you been recording remotely more? Oh, interesting. Yeah.

You almost fly every week or have you been recording remotely more? Oh, interesting. Yeah. Uh, you almost fly every week. I definitely seem to fly every other week. At the very least four times a month, whether I slice it or dice it in a weekly fashion or not. I definitely fly too much. We do record sometimes across the country, but as of, we're sitting in the same room. I'm glad that he can't tell. Right. That's true. Your girlfriend, Avital Ash, writes, fuck, I'm late to this, but have you ever made a bed ever in your life?

Yeah, that's kind of funny that she brings that up. I guess it's a source of tension between us. And I can see the relationship frayed. It's interesting because I make the bed all the time. But I get shit because I don't do it well. Avital does it much better than me. That's what she's bringing up. And she does it much more than me because I usually wake up earlier.

So last one to leave the bed makes the bed. Totally. When she makes it, it looks professional. When I do it, it's like a teenager is trying to please their mommy i am trying to please jill i'm like if left to my own devices i used to like not i wouldn't have a top sheet it's just like comforter pillows yeah and that's easy that's an easy bed to make you don't have to make it with other kinds of pillows there's throw pillows and how do you arrange them what style i mean my style was like minimalist just like two pillows oh two pillows duvet and that's it and that's an easy that's

easy to make it looks good but now now we've got the top sheet we have a duvet we've got king pillows regular pillows throw pillows four pillows. King pillows, regular pillows, throw pillows. We've got four pillows and then like the fucking, like those like big headboard pillows. You also have a bonus blanket of sorts sometimes. Yeah, yeah. Like, oh, at the foot of the bed is just a fucking bonus blanket. Yep, bonus blanket. You're never using that blanket, right?

In the winter, you could use the bonus blanket. As the bonus, but like all throughout the summer, you're just putting that blanket on the floor no in the summer i wouldn't i'm not gonna use it the bonus like it doesn't even show up on the bed in the sun wow yeah i don't know you put the bonus blanket away yeah put it away i thought it was a decorative blanket like the decorative pillows no uh i mean it is it absolutely is yeah you don't need it no but like the bonus blanket but like i i think it only makes sense as a decorative blanket when you use it sometimes so if it's like hot and there's no chance of me using it i'm not gonna like keep it around it's it's easy to fold so it's a nice way to spruce

up the bed but again it's a bonus blanket you don't need it how do the chores break up in your household uh it's uh it's pretty amorphous the bed thing is standardized last one to leave the bed makes it she makes it more often than not better than me um dishes more so me cooking more so her but again switching off sometimes me sometimes her uh what other chores are there in the world? Laundry. Oh, laundry. That's sort of a team effort. I'll start it and then she'll – because she folds her clothes in a very specific way that I can't do.

Oh, that's nice. She can fold her clothes and mine fortunately, but I can't. This is me explaining to her why I never fold her clothes. I can't learn your way, babe. A few months ago or maybe it was a year ago or something uh but i i was like doing a lot of jill's laundry and i was just like how do you like to fold your underwear so like i'll because i fold mine a certain way uh-huh um so like and she always folded mine wrong so like she would fold it

and then hand me like she'd fold the laundry hand it to me and then she'd see me like unfold and refold all of the underwear um and then i like said and i was like what how do you how should i fold yours when i and she was just like i just like when you do it like oh so it didn't even matter how you did it no she just want like i i do all of the laundry all right okay it's i mean it out it's no it's nice it's disgusting i like of the laundry. All right. Okay. I mean, it's- Cap it out. No, it's nice. It's disgusting. I like doing the laundry and I don't like cooking. I like doing all of the cleaning stuff, but I do not, I really dislike cooking.

What's your, do you ever leave clothes in the dryer overnight or are you in an Insta folder? It depends what's in there. If I know that it's like mostly socks and- Because it could be a 30-minute obligation. Yeah. Sometimes I'll take things that I want to not be wrinkled out. But then you also have like the wrinkle guard. Yeah.

Does anything that works? A wrinkle guard? I don't know. Like a dryer sheet? I've taken more to like hang drying shirts and stuff. Oh, interesting. So like I tend to whatever is in the, like whatever I've tumble dried can kind of stay in there. I'll tumble dry low.

I really don't give a shit. I love laundry. Why? Because it smells good and it's clean after? Yeah, it's soothing. I really like it. All right, got another one? Let's see.

It has to be good. Oh, here we go. James Gnomes writes, are sandals acceptable? Are sandals acceptable? I wanted to wear two things. Two things about me. One, you know

that I wear geriatric sandals all the time. That's right, even at home. I don't travel without them. You can't walk barefoot. No, it hurts too much. I wear a geriatric, they're kind of like Crocs, except they're a little less offensive. They're still pretty offensive.

They're called UFOs. And I wear UFOs at home and abroad. Yeah. But do you wear them out and about? Would you wear jeans and UFOfos to a party? No. But if I, like, in Nantucket when I'm, like, just going to the beach, I would wear my bathing suit and ufos. Hmm.

I think sandals are, I don't like thinking of sandals as not acceptable. Because I'm a big fan of dressing for the weather. I think they're good in the daytime. And then if it's really hot at night still. It's got to be like a beach vibe. Yeah, if it's hot, you can wear sandals. No one's going to require you to wear... Do you have to be close to an ocean? No, if it's hot, absolutely not.

You're in Nebraska and it's 90 degrees. You're wearing sandals at night. If it was 90 degrees and if it was muggy, I would wear sandals. Ufos? I might have to. I also wanted my, this is the other thing. I wanted my fall fashion to be Birkenstocks with wool socks. I mean, if it rhymes. It's like back to high school.

That's what I used to wear in high school when I was a little hippie. You'd wear Birkenstocks and socks to school? Yeah. Is that like, what if it's raining, then the socks get wet? No, it's more like an autumn look. Got it. You wouldn't wear it in the rain. So jeans, white socks, Birks. They wouldn't be like white socks. They'd be like gray socks. That's cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Gray socks, brown Birks. I want that to be my autumn look, but Birkenstocks aren't that comfortable on my broken ass feet. What about Birkensocks? So it's socks that have a leather strap. That's interesting. Birkensocks. I think sandals are great.

Tevas? Oh, yeah. Give me a fucking Velcro Teva. You would I think sandals are great. Tevas? Oh, yeah. Give me a fucking Velcro teva. You would never wear sandals. I don't really wear sandals. I hardly wear flip-flops at all. I find them, like, too loose. I don't know if it's the shape of my foot or whatever.

They'll fly off me. One of the weirdest things I've ever seen you do, like one of the biggest disparities between us, is when we were in Portugal, and we went to that Nike store, you wanted new shoes and you tried on a pair. They were half size too big. You asked for the next size down and they were like, uh, this is the only size we have. And you're like, okay. And you just bought them. Yeah. I'll take them anyway. That is my other shoes away. That is

insane to me. Like it wouldn't fit you or it would like eat you alive. It would eat me alive that I just like had shoes that didn't quite fit right. Maybe I'm in between sizes and it didn't quite matter. But like that's crazy. Even like not being able to verify for sure, I wouldn't have bought that. Is it because of your feet problem, your very specific feet issues? No, it's because I'm just hyper aware of how things fit in general. But even like pants, like, oh, sometimes I'm a 31, sometimes I'm a 30.

You don't find that to be the case? I do, but for that reason, I will most of the time order a 31 and a 32 and then send back the one that I don't like. Or if I'm shopping in the store and i only can try on like one size i wouldn't get the size that i i wasn't positive that i was i was positive that i was an 11 and a half for some reason yeah you got a lot of room in the toe thumb area whatever i do like the throwing away of the shoes or like the instant discarding of the old shoes. Yeah. One of the best feelings I think is like destroying a pair of Vans, buying a new pair and putting the old pair into the new box and like throwing that away. Are you supposed to donate those if it's a really old nasty shoe?

No, I don't think you can donate an old ass pair of Vans. At the Nike store, they have like the recycling shoe thing. Yeah, that's nice. That's a good look. One more before the break? Okay. John George. Should we answer his?

Okay. I know you guys aren't really fantasy football experts or whatever, but who should I start this week? Will Fuller or DJ Moore? Have you played fantasy football ever?

No, I'm actually about to join the fantasy basketball league with Carnell and the Rosie's. I thought you were out. I thought you hated it and you didn't want any part of it. I did and I did want out. But now that it's like coming up again, I've like forgotten all of the bad parts of it. Interesting. And you're back in.

I'm vowing to be less. The thing that like was hard for me is how competitive i got so i just need to relax yeah that's not gonna happen yeah you're gonna set your lineups daily you're gonna check to see how many rebounds cat got in a day game i really should not do it but ever like they wanted to just redo the league and everyone on the email was like yeah man so i didn't i just didn't want to be like also weren't there no stakes in league? Like the winner didn't get anything? There's no buy-in? There was no buy-in. There's no steaks. But I did have to take Jeff Rosenberg to a steak dinner, which I still haven't done. But you got to the finals and you own the steak? Yeah, it is kind of weird that it's just me. Like

the steaks are, if you go to the finals, you might have to pony up a $200 steak dinner. Yeah. So it's better to finish in third? I guess rude. There should be a buy-in. And it definitely shouldn't. The onus be on the loser of the finals. I have issues. I'll loop you into the email thread. Who's the commish? I need to talk to him. I realize

that you are... Oh, it's Carnell. Good luck. Oh, shit. He's yelling at me. You already responded to John George.orge yeah i made a joke will fuller on the texans his full name is will fuller the fifth interesting imagine being the fifth that's got to be a record for athletes the fifth yeah there's no there's no sixth out there yeah are there's yeah the fifth is a long line yeah i don't even know any personal the fifths it is it's kind of too bad even if i started now i'd never live to see jake the fifth is a long line. Yeah, I don't even know any personal with fifths. It is. It's kind of too bad.

Even if I started now, I'd never live to see Jake the fifth. Do you have a goal for this fantasy basketball draft, a guy that you want now? I want either Anthony Davis or LeBron. Good man. I was going to try to steer you into that, but since you're already there. I'm already there.

I will say that LeBron seems to be hell-bent on getting anthony davis bigger numbers this year that's good so if you had the choice between the two it might be ad right i don't yeah i i doubt that i mean i wouldn't choose lebron over ad and then what are your thoughts on kawai on the clippers with paul george um i think that would be that'd be very solid as well. I had Harden last year, which was really great. It feels like this is Harden's do-or-die year, and he's going to try really hard also. Do you see he added something to his game, and the one thing he added is just taking a three-pointer off one leg?

He worked all summer, and now he's got this extra pirouette step back where he's kind of shooting a layup from 35 feet. And does it go in a lot? In practice, it's gone in. I haven't seen one in preseason yet. But he's already good enough. He doesn't need to add another type of three to his game.

But it's Harden and Russ, right? Yeah, together again. So that's kind of interesting. They might eat each other's numbers. Yeah. Because they're no longer like the only guy on their team. I want... Who I want is Van Vliet. FVV.

Yeah. Who might have a bigger role this year because Kawhi's not playing. Right. Exactly. All right. Let's take a break. Enough fantasy advice. We'll come back with more questions lightning round style after this.

Hoorah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

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easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com?

That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store or an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're back. We got a great story about Shia. Remember that story that someone sent in? Oh, that's right. Shia LaBeouf,

according to this lady, got some breaking news. Her friend works as a server at Bestia in LA, very close to HGHQ. So close. Right around the corner. Recently, Shia LaBeouf

has been coming in a lot to have dinner by himself. It's a very nice, fancy, family-style restaurant. That's also incredibly hard to get a reservation at. I guess not if you're Shia. Right. If you're Shia, you can just walk in.

Shia gets the bar. And my friend told me that he orders a ribeye every time he comes in and eats the whole thing, even though it's a steak meant to be shared and it's $135. So he's eating a lot of beef. And since he's been doing so, so often the wait and the kitchen staff have started calling him Shia the Beef. The joke has even come, the joke has finally come to life. Shia is the beef, he was the beef, and forever

will be the beef. LaBeouf is French for the beef, right? Yeah, so we didn't quite make that. We didn't make that joke. We just translated it. LaBeouf eats LaBeouf. Shia eating a fat ribeye i had the beef the joke that we came up with was changing it to shia the bean at one point yeah let us know when he starts eating a plate full of beans on the reg on the rack that really is insane, though. We should try to get a picture with him and Jared, who played Mike Fink, a.k.a. Shia the Beef.

Here's an interesting question. Tamir, whose name is in Yankees, shout out to the Yankees. Yes, yes. Right. Amir, can you talk about your Twitter persona? What goes into you tweeting something? And for Jake, why aren't you more active on the app? So let's start with your question since it's a faster one.

I just haven't, I haven't like tweeted anything. Yeah. Do you ever come up with jokes that you like, oh, I wish I could tweet this, but I haven't tweeted in so long. Yeah. I believe I have, like I have drafts. I don't know if there's anything new in my Twitter drafts. I will say, because you tweet so infrequently,

your tweets are seen more than somebody who tweets often. So your tweets that are in your drafts will get better play. Right. Hit me with a draft. I feel like I've done this on the show, right? Any new ones since then? I don't... Making you read tweets is very funny.

Tweets that you are too embarrassed to post. Right, because I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna, like, break the seal now. I'm saying maybe we can convince you. This is so bad. When is the last one you posted? Was it recent? Do you come up with them recently?

No. The last, I think the one that we talked about was, do you think Ross from Friends ever gets Schwimmer's ear? Yeah, I like that one. And I'm not going to tweet that one. I think we talked about it on the podcast. I also have a draft that just says, what about me, period. That's a good tweet because that's the subtext of every tweet.

Right, exactly. What about me? That's like the Anthony Jeselnik joke, the thoughts and prayers. Don't forget about me. Yes, that's right. I guess I stole it from that. Anything else in there?

You might be rich, but are you keels in the guest bathroom rich? See, these are good stuff. Why are you sitting on these? They're not good, you asshole. You're teasing me. No. I tweet stuff that's much low barrier to entry than that.

My Twitter persona is like I have like a few, much like Jake and Amir episodes, I have a few styles. There's basketball jokes. There's Trump retweets. Right. I like the Dear Diaries. Yeah, the Dear Diaries. I don't have a specific persona, but if it makes me laugh, I'll usually post it. And if it doesn't do well, guess what?

You can delete it. And who's going to call you out on that? Or if it doesn't do well, I like when you say, I'm serious. That's when I want to retweet myself without having to actually retweet myself. I also, I like the insane stories. Like when you're making up something that's currently, like you live tweeting something that's happening. Yeah. Like, oh my God, I'm hearing this couple and they're having this weird argument.

This is what they're talking about. Okay. The whole entire wait staff just came out. Yeah. Recently I said like, now I'm chanting too. I would say this is a flash mob, but how'd they get me to do it? Yeah, that one's good. Yeah, I think when you like ones, you chime in to my Twitter threads.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah. You say, I hate this, or what are they doing now? What did you recently respond to my tweet? I hate this. Oh, you, it was like a poll. Yeah, what's more, what sparks more joy? Oh yeah.

Seeing a blimp in da wild when someone has your B-day, finding $10 in your jeans or a crisp high five. And then somebody had a really funny response that goes, what do you mean by in da wild? Then I'm like, you know, like, and I send him a video of me seeing a blimp in the air. He's like, okay, got it. So you just mean seeing a blimp. Right. They're all in the wild. But it is exciting. You look up and there's a blimp. I guess if you're at

an event, you expect the blimp. That's true. And I was just on a walk near Dodger Stadium. That's a blimp in the wild. Well, if it's near Dodger Stadium, it's not really. It's in its natural element. I'm in the wild. You're not that either. You're in Dodger Stadium. I'm attacking wild well if it's near dodger stadium it's not really it's in its natural element i'm into wild you're not that either you're at dodger stadium i'm attacking its airspace so what can i get you to tweet something uh what can you do to get me to tweet something

keels one for example is a solid get i i would never why i couldn't i'm too nervous you're not that shy. Yeah. You have two podcasts with nine more on the way. I, yeah, I don't know. I don't know why I just like. You post on Instagram. Yeah.

Twitter just makes me, it's such a, like, it's such a swing. If I paid you cash, would you tweet that? I guess if you gave me like a thousand dollars. You wouldn't tweet that for $50 Venmo'd to you? No way. Why? Why? Honestly, I was afraid when I said $1,000 that you were going to pay me and I'd have to do it.

This is how much Kiehl's should pay you for sponsored content and you still wouldn't do it? Oh, yeah, that's right. $1,000 to tweet you might be rich, but are you Kiehl's and the guest bathroom rich? Yeah, I would never. That's funny. And it's weird because I read it on this podcast. It's all the same people. Is that based on the Kiehl's conditioner I have in the shower that you've used in my home?

I don't think it was. I feel like it was based on me wanting to get Kiehl's for my bathroom, but being like, this is so expensive. It is nice. It is nice. And I recently have gotten it. And that would be my unsolicited advice, because it makes taking a shower nicer. Yeah.

And it's expensive, but it also takes like six months to go through the bottle. Yeah, it does. It takes a long time. All right. So Mostly Soccer Podcast asks, have either of you been following the Premier League this year? I've fallen off. SoccerPod is dead. I've also fallen off.

Without the podcast, we're not as into it, invested. It's weird. I look at the schedule sometimes just to see if there's any games that I want to see. But I think it's also just been that I've been traveling a lot on the weekends. Right. And so Saturday mornings are less accessible to you. Yeah. But once I'm settled in a little bit more, I definitely will watch. I have chosen my team.

They are the Hotspurs. Yeah. I'm torn between the Hotspurs and West Ham. And of course, those are fierce rivals. And you're not supposed to root for both. I'm going to London this week, this podcast comes out this Monday. I will be in Manchester on Thursday night and lunch in London on Sunday. But no games?

There, there's a, there's like. Sorry, no matches? There's a Liverpool Man United game on Sunday. And you leave Friday? I leave, it's, it's in Manchester and I on Sunday. And you leave Friday? I leave, it's in Manchester. In Manchester. And I leave Sunday. It's on the day that I leave.

Oh no, why do you stay? And then I leave London. I'm in London only Sunday to Thursday. So there's no games. I'm devastated. Why would you stay in Manchester to watch the match? Because our show is on Sunday in London. I have to be back.

I was sure that there was going to be a match on Saturday. Most of the time they're on Saturday. Dang it. I really wanted to go to a game. Irene Walton, homemade by Irene, real life friend writes, best part of a chocolate chip cookie.

That's, I mean, I don't feel like there's a best part, like, aside from the chocolate. Yeah, and I would say the cookie part. Well, I mean, it's the mix, but you do, like, if you see a chocolate chip cookie that is, like, really chippy, are you like, I don't want that, that's too much chocolate chips in this? I could say that, yeah. And I also don't like when they're not melted. Like, a melted chocolate chip is so much better to me than the hardened one. Yeah, I mean, I would agree with that. But

I would also agree that like, you probably can't make a chocolate chip cookie that has too many chocolate chips for me. I like chippy chippy. I rarely see the chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate chip. And is that the same thing as a sugar cookie? Or is a sugar cookie separate from that? I think sugar cookie is a different kind of thing. Yeah. So can you make a chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate chips? Yeah.

My mom's done that before. And what's it called? I don't know. I don't know. Let us know, Irene. Please. Any other questions? Let's see.

Who takes Amir to the vet? What's it like being friends with a chipmunk? A lot of chipmunk-related inspiring every single day that that that you are able to just get through life in a chipmunk body and a chipmunk face with a chipmunk attitude uh and just sort of blend in with society because i know that society isn't built for you it's not it wasn't designed for a chipmunk yes and i'm a man the fact that you get by i'm not it's pretty neat i don't think so it's pretty cool thank you um yeah no congratulations here's a nice question that i like alexis locksmith

underscore of course writes favorite pasta shape oh that's a good one it is a good oh my god and her twitter bio it look at that top pasta it's pasta in the same way that you have a cookie um yeah that okay i think i'm gonna go tagliatelle i like the thicker noodle thick broad and it usually comes with some sort of ragu. Yeah. Give me a fat noodle. I want the fattest noodle. I want the thickest noodle. I want my fat noodle thin. The noodle that she has here is kind of like an elbow.

Yeah. Elbow macaroni. Yeah. That's pretty good, too, like a pasta salad. I really like, I mean, I'm a big Annie's head, so I like the shell. But if we're talking like a big, thick shell, a larger shell is really solid. That's nice. What's your favorite kind of pasta?

Sauce. We're talking sauce? We're talking sauce. Give me a bolognese. Really? You like beef. Meat. Wild boar ragu.

Like duck ragu. You do like a ragu. I do like a goo. I like the goo, and it's ideally rag-based, yes. And I'm a cheese dude. I'm liking, but my absolute fave is vodka sauce. Vodka is the goat because you get the tomato, you get the cream. And does it taste like vodka a little bit or am I making that up? No, no, it doesn't taste like vodka at all.

Is there vodka in vodka sauce? I think there is, but I think like the alcohol part of it is like cooked off, right? You don't need an ID to buy vodka sauce. No, you don't get drunk off of it. Maybe the OG version had vodka and now the mass-produced kinds don't? I don't know. But for my birthday this year, I went to Little Italy with Jill and Micah. Little Italy, like one of those classic Italian checkered tablecloth.

Oh, yeah. White tablecloth, ate outside, bottle of shitty-ass wine, and a huge plate of pasta with vodka sauce. You carbo-loaded. It was amazing. Did you feel disgusting after? Did you feel sluggish? Does it slow you down now that you don't have a lot of carbs?

It didn't really. No, not really. I mean, I think it would. I definitely felt full, but I didn't feel like sick full. Right. And we also like took a long walk to get there. What are your thoughts on low-key gnocchi? I like gnocchi, but I tend to not order it.

I would prefer to be with someone that gets it, and then I can have like two pieces. That's ideal to me. Okay, that's cool. Best song right now, Karma Loves Coup. Dude, I kind of suck at listening to music right now. You're not listening to music? I don't listen to shit.

I'm a little behind, but I like Billie Eilish's Bad Guy. I see. Yeah, I don't listen to any pop music. I didn't even know Old Town Road when I brought it up to you recently. Yeah, and I think it's a problem because i whenever i'm commuting i only listen to podcasts yeah i just listen i wonder if podcast is affecting uh top 40 music i would think that it is but maybe young people are just still listening to music i but i don't listen to any music and when i listen to if i like listen to spotify at all i listen to um it's like uh it's a playlist called deep focus

and it's just like instrumental trancy music that might be like in a music video or something that like gets me into a flow state when i'm responding to emails what's the goat soup to dip your nuts in? Asks Roundstone7. I guess like your actual ball sack? Yeah. To go into... Like from soup to nuts. To teabag. To chowder. I guess matzo ball soup

because it already has nuts in it. That's cool. I don't know what I would want. Because balls are already there. Oh, a French onion soup because the melted cheese on top might prevent you from actually getting your nuts too wet. Yeah, but it's still really cheesy on the nuts. What a waste.

It would be such a hassle to clean soup off of your balls. Give me a thick chowder so that I don't have to completely penetrate the broth. Yeah, I guess. You know, having a Roth IRA? I have a broth IRA. As in I invested my 401 cake, my 401 cakes. Roth IRL. And I dipped my balls in broth.

How is Jeff going to deal with his owl problem, which is a reference to the last HeadGum video? I guess his house has an owl problem, if there's any issues with that. How would Jeff deal with it? I could imagine him killing an owl. Yeah. I mean, we already have on record

him strangling a pigeon or two, I bet. Right. And in Jake and amir universe you killed an owl and say who gives a shit that's right and i wear doves on my feet so anything's in play uh headgun battle royale who wins oh who's like the strongest yeah who are we including all the podcasters oh if that's the case thenrus. You think Gabrus can beat up Billy? That's a good question. Billy's too nice.

Well, Gabrus is really nice too. That would probably be the last two people who were left standing. Yeah. I'd pay a lot of money to see them wrestle. Yeah. I wonder who wins. Because Gabrus is also powerful. Yeah.

He's high and mighty. But Billy is just shredded. Gabrus, I mean, Gab. Because Gabrus is also powerful. Yeah. He's high and mighty. But Billy is just shredded. Gabrus, I mean, Gabrus did like powerlifting, like Olympic style lifting. Yeah. And he plays rugby. That's true, but so did Billy. He played rugby in college. Man.

Yeah, I don't know. Weigh in. Actually, that could be your tweet, a Twitter poll. Who would win in a fight? They're both from Long Island. Yeah, but that's the kind of tweet that I could tweet because it's vaguely promotional. Yeah, that's

good. I can't just tweet a straight up joke. Do the Kiehl's one and then add hashtag sponsored, hashtag ad at the end for bathrooms. Alright, a few last really quick ones to go out on. Lightning, lightning, lightning. Which alcoholic drink is best for someone who's dieting?

And don't say water. Vodka soda, vodka rocks. Yeah, it's usually like the non-wheat, non-carby ones. Vodka. Yeah. Isn't tequila also like fruit-based and not? Yeah, I think vodka and tequila are the better ones. You want the grain-free, the gluten-free.

And like drinking is one thing. And I, like, drinking is one thing. It's, for me, it was always, like, when you're drunk, the hangover, you end up eating garbage. What's the goat fabric? Ask Chris Cudd. Um, modal? Modal? Micro-modal?

Is there anything more goat than cotton? I like a dry fit. What do you mean mean a dry fit? Like the Nike workout gear. What fabric is that? I kind of like fleece, too. Oh, yeah, to keep warm. Terry cloth?

Give me a nice tech fleece. French terry. Did Amir actually go nude in the episode of Lonely and Horny with Ben Schwartz? I take my dick out and sort of play with it. Oh, they ask me if that's your actual penis? Yeah. No, that was a rubber penis that we got. Yeah, Olivia asked that.

It was a very realistic looking thing. But you did go nude in the Lonely and Horny episode where you're in VR, like jerking off in a VR thing. Yeah, that was actually my D. And then we made a mold of it to make the fake rubber dick in that episode. So you have seen his penis. Don't worry. Last question.

Isaac Bird writes, do y'all prefer a day in or a night out? Night out. Over day in. Yeah. I'll have to agree as much as I'd like to choose two different answers. A day out is I might prefer over a night out though. Because day out leaves you feeling healthy at the end of it. A night out out not so much

i like a half and half for the day like i like to do a bunch of errands or a bunch like a little adventure in the morning or a hike yeah and then come back and like have a relaxing recharge recharge recharging your phone while taking a nap yeah i also like cooking breakfast at home and like having coffee at home on a Sunday and then going out in the afternoon. Half and half is really perfect. I think spending all day in is a little too much. But between those two, day in or night out? Night out every time.

All right. Okay, that's it. Try to answer as many questions as possible. If you have your own questions, generally you want to send them to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That's also where you send theme songs. We got a good one, but it was kind of long, so i'm going to leave it to the end right now uh it is

a uh a parody of you and i by ingrid michelson oh i love that song yeah he's not a singer by trade but would appreciate his old bands shout out for his old bands page, which is daysleeper1.bandcamp.com. Thank you, Richard Barlow. Thank you, Justin Gonsalves. Yeah, Gonsalves? Gonsalves. Gonsalves. And thanks to you guys for listening.

We'll be back next week for more If I Were You. Of course, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com. Please do. Ciao, everybody. Don't you worry, they're my gollies. Ciao, everybody. The Golden Mike win streak improves The turdy is a missed blues And Crandice will not miss a single show Oh, let's give our advice from the chipmunk And the pinch as well

Let's give our advice to keep us out of the sticky. Hey, that would be swell. Let's give out advice to keep us out of trouble or a prison cell. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, well, you might be a bit confused. And you might have a dime to lose if you fuck your friend's duck's mom's sister's arms. Which one is it, sale, sale, or sand? You know you have to seize your cheese. Mom, turn down the podcast, please.

The pilot's being passed on by TruTV. Low blow? Hell no! Oh, let's give out advice from the chipmunk and the pinch as well. Let's give out advice to keep us out of the sticky. Hey, that would be swell. Let's give out advice to keep us out of trouble or a prison cell. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you. Let's give out advice from the chipmunk and the pinch as well.

Let's give out advice to get us out of the sticky. Hey, that would be swell. Let's give out advice to keep us out of trouble or a prison cell. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you.