Segments - 405: Dungeons and Dragons and Sex

Episode Date: October 21, 2019

In this episode Jake discusses checking in his luggage, and Amir discusses checking out his brain. Then we tackle the five second rule.For more IF I WERE YOU check out Bonus Thursday Video Episodes on our Patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Uh-huh.

No. If I were you. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me.

I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me.

I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me.

I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me.

I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. I'm checking to me. Beautiful. Was that a cover?

If it was, then I don't recognize the song. You know what's odd to me? I didn't recognize the tune of the words, but the guitar, the riff, and the music sounded a bit like, you know that song, I Smell Sex and Candy? Oh, yeah. I smell sex and candy. Yeah, didn't it sound like, hanging around downtown by myself and not have too much caffeine? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Right?

Yeah. Right? Yeah. Tight. Yeah. Very good. Hey, how are you, man? You were the doctor for a while, a long while yesterday,

dealing with your vertigo. I got tests done. Yeah. Have any of them come back positive, negative, or otherwise? I don't have... Inconclusive, as it were? I don't have tumors in my brain. That's a huge start, right? Yeah, a huge get.

That's got to feel good. That's a good... When they're testing for that, what is the certainty level that that's gotta feel good that's gotta feel very when they're testing for that like what is the certainty level that that's what you have um i'm assuming i don't because then i would be like dying and i feel like relatively fine except for when i stand up interesting because if that were happening to me i'd be like well there it goes i have tumors i had a good one didn't i there was definitely a time in the m where I'm like, even if I died, like 36 solid healthy years is fine. That's bad, man.

Yeah. Like I can be happy with that. No, that's insane. That's officially not a tragedy to me. Really? No, that's a full on tragedy. You haven't, I mean, you haven't accomplished jack shit, frankly. So I feel like you have so much, or at least I hope you have a long life

ahead of you so you can actually get something done yeah what did you say no no I think yeah I think I've done stuff what would like the eulogy I have to go up there and I'm like um Amir lived a long good happy successful life he was life. He was Adrian in Harold and Kumar 3. Well, you don't have to read my credits. We did a web series together. Yeah, I think it would be more about me as a man, but yeah, I'm sure you can read some of the credits.

A shot pilot passed on and a pilot script passed on. Lonely and Horny Season 3 and the garbage. Thumbing through your email on your iPhone. What else? That was a pass. We got notes. three in the garbage. Thumbing through your email on your iPhone. What else? What else? That was a pass. That was a pass.

We got notes. That email bounced back. Yeah. This one's in our court, but I didn't really see it going anywhere. Development's a slow process. Is all. Anyway,

let's bring up who else we got. I guess he didn't have a wife. Here's Avital, who he was living with. Not even engaged. She broke up with him. That makes sense. Damn it, really? Yeah.

So what else did they test for? A bunch of stuff that I don't know yet. That's like everything from like, what if you got a fungal bacteria in Mexico? Or like, what if you have an ear infection? And how do they test that? Do they look at the MRI? Or do they take blood? Blood, MRI, spine stuff.

They took shit out of your spine? Yeah, spinal tap. So, like, what if there's just nothing that, like, is it possible that they're just going to be like, yeah, we didn't really know what the dizziness thing is, but. Your vitamin D is low. That thorough of a test. I wouldn't mind having that done.

Yeah, just give me a fucking soup to nuts checkup. How much of your body was inside the MRI? From my head down to my waist. Wow. They said that my dick, which I can't believe this, my dick was too big to get an MRI. You said it couldn't fit in the mri machine your whole entire body was in it yeah your head to your waist but you couldn't fit your cock yeah that's what

they said they're like the cock is might be too big i'm like yeah i understand that and they're like we can try i'm like that doesn't matter it's probably not there anyway no fucking chance no chance yeah no chance no chance it goes that's obscene it was it was pornographic damn you're the man blumenfeld tumors up and down my body you're a fucking king man your dick is only big because it's a giant tumor oh god what else do we have to talk about that's darker than this how are how's your ass um yeah you know good things are things are good uh what i'm i i go to i'm going to london tomorrow that's right by the time this comes out this is you'll be in london uh yes i will and it's kind of fun going from the East Coast because

I am not even taking a red eye. Like in LA, that's just not even an option, you know? Yeah, interesting. It's like equidistant between London and LA, right? Yeah, it's a pretty easy flight, evidently. I guess we'll see. I do have a predicament, as it were were that i would not mind your help with if you have a moment okay i'm trying to bring only two pairs of shoes i mean i'm definitely going to bring only two pairs of shoes okay okay now here's my predicament yeah i'm worried that it's going to rain while I'm there. Because London has that notorious drizzly, foggy weather. Yeah, sorry. I had kind of a near-death scenario yesterday, so it's kind of hard for me to switch gears.

But yeah, it might rain. You were the one that, you said you wanted to switch gears. You were like, I'm doing this to distract you from your cock accident. Thank you. Anyway, it'll be foggy. I mean, it might be. Well, the thing is, I think it might be sunny. But man, I didn't mean to steamroll you with my packing if you want to talk about your mortality a bit more.

No, it's good. It's good. This is good. Okay. So the spinal shot tumor's benign 36 is a good run yeah so i have sneakers i have a sneaker and i have a van not even a car the two shoes so the two i'm definitely going to bring some white slip-on vans. Okay. Those are easy packable shoes that in a way can make, it doesn't really dress up an outfit,

but it doesn't dress anything down as much as running shoes do. Yeah. And I do want to go on, I want to be able to yog while I'm abroad. Abrog. An abroad yog. Yeah, abrog. abroad abroad at a broad yard yeah abroad um and my question really is should i bring the nike shield waterproof running sneakers that i have or should i bring the ultra boost flyknit or whatever the version of flyknit is for adidas uh i think you've got to go less flyknit the better what with the moisture in the air

and all and i guess it will be chilly but you can handle that with a sock situation this the it looks like the weather is changing and it's going to be like low 60s and sunny which kind of makes me feel like shit am i going to be too toasty in a non-breathable fabric of a waterproof shoe. I'm freaking out. Yeah, it really doesn't matter. I mean, like, do your feet ever get hot in a shoe? I don't know. You just wear it. Do your feet get hot?

Yeah, they do get hot in a shoe. Man, sometimes I wish you would have fucking tumors and just die, man. What? Jesus Christ. No, I'm just just saying i know that you got like shots in your spine but some people have bigger problems yeah it's just not really fair for you to like yeah you're talking about having kind of hot feet kind of hot really hot yeah that's fine you sweating your feet i guess sweaty fucking socks yeah sweaty socks on a vacation yeah that's fine. You sweating your feet, I guess? Sweaty fucking socks. Yeah, sweaty socks. On a vacation?

Yeah, that's pretty uncomfortable. Right? It's almost as comfortable as 40 minutes in an MRI in Santa Monica when your parents aren't showing up to hang out or support you and your girlfriend's not responding to your text, which I know is something that you dealt with yesterday. Yeah. It was just the reception at the hospital was spotty at best, I guess.

Well, your text to me came through complaining that no one was showing up, and it sounded like your parents were able to respond to say they weren't going to be there. Yeah, they were at Rosti down the street. They were getting dinner at Rosti. Reception and distance wasn't really an issue. No, not at all. Yeah. So I'm just saying we all have problems problems you don't have a supportive and loving family and it seems like you are dying from an ailment and i guess i could bring a bigger backpack and just carry a third pair of shoes now that i think about it yeah i don't even think you need a third pair of shoes as much as

you do i mean you'll have two pairs of shoes. One is, yeah, as a backup or whatever. So you vote Shield. Yeah, yeah, I vote Shield, I guess. Do you mind if I pull up the weather in foggy London town? Right now? Yeah, I'll just see how good this advice is of yours i mean 59 yeah it's low enough it's low enough you actually might have a point for once blue for so i did give you helpful advice

i mean you're just madder about it i want to bring the fly knits they're a bit more comfortable yeah so bring the fucking fly knit and like wear it when it's not raining all right fine but the fucking point of this podcast is for you and i to have debates so if you're just like whatever you want then it's not really anything you know what do we yeah what is if we don't have discussions what do we do yeah i mean we got some questions maybe people can we still answer questions no that's all we do usually who could have you know we're recording who could have a more important problem than me i really wonder because i don't know which shoes to bring on vacation yeah and you're bringing two pairs i didn't mean to call you're bringing both it's actually work yeah it's actually work yeah

i just don't know i'll go shield nice dude whatever you're mad okay questions yeah no let's go to questions problem solved right yeah just gloss over it i'm still gonna stew on this for hours after we're done at a certain point you're gonna have to get on the flight i know i'll jill's meeting me i'll have her bring my other shoes no do not have you're already have two pairs of shoes do not make your wife bring an extra pair for you well i won't have two pairs of shoes i'm gonna have at least five or six pairs of shoes i have i was i had some shipped to to london one is going to meet me in my hotel in manchester the other one yeah that's and then are you bringing anything

else do you have a jacket? What's your jacket situation? That's a great question, man. Oh my god. So much more important. No, I have a jacket. I have a jacket. It's a blue bomber that is waterproof. No hood, but it's waterproof. And I feel like that's pretty solid.

Alright, so this is If I Were You, an advice podcast. Jake and I dispense our wisdom. Where we talk about what I pack to go on trips. We just sort of go piece by piece, by layering piece, to figure out what to pack and what to keep. I think people are interested to know how many pairs of socks I brought. If I brought ankle socks, no show or athletics,

because the interesting thing is on a trip like this you have to perform you have to commute you have to travel and then also you like to exercise so what do you wear that you can hop on the train that you can hop on stage and that you can go out to cocktails in it's hard okay okay so i have a i have a system and i'd be happy to talk about my system all right real quick. Go through the fucking socks. Okay, thank you. So I have six pairs of ankle socks. Oh my God.

You were so ready to give that up. You wanted to talk about the socks so badly. I barely offered it. Six pairs. Got it. We got a question from a 25-year-old. I also have four pairs of no-shows. Nice.

Because no-shows. 25-year-old. Okay. Yeah, from England, actually. So this guy might be able to help you out, maybe, if you help him out. Maybe he'll even be at one of my shows. Yeah, maybe. Actually, can he?

Bring me socks. If you see me on stage, bring me socks. Size 11, really anything breathable Nike, ideally waterproof. 25-year-old male Brit here. We'll call this guy, I don't't know who's a 25 year old male brit prince something or other prince prince harry yeah prince harry he's a young guy yeah sure prince harry writes a friend of mine is performing stand-up for the first time next week and i'm not sure whether to go or not we're super close friends and the concern is that if he's terrible

it will be very awkward giving feedback or forcing out laughter amongst the sea of dead expressions. Normally I would err on the side of being supportive, but what makes this so difficult is that it's overwhelmingly likely that he will be terrible. He hasn't practiced, he hasn't written anything down, and his sense of humor is very niche. I also don't have anybody else to go with, so I'm going to have to sit alone with a role of supportive friend. Sorry, sit alone and the role of supportive friend

would solely fall on me. What do I do? Kind regards, Prince Harry. All right, Prince Harry. It's friend, not romantic thing? Friend, yeah. Friend, go. You just go.

You just go and watch him bomb and say fucking lame crowd. Exactly. And there's a chance that'll surprise you i remember the first time i saw my sister perform stand-up comedy and i didn't really know what to expect but i was like this is my duty as as a brother and i'd been in the comedy scene i knew what bad comedy looked like i knew it was like an open mic that it's like a bringer show and i was like she's just starting out.

If it's not good, just like be encouraging, be positive. And then she crushed and it was awesome. And I was happily surprised that I did not have to like lie and say it was good. Or my worst fear was that I was going to have to like console her afterwards and I didn't have to do it. Your worst fear was that you had to be a consoling older brother. Yeah, clearly, because I'm fucking pouring my heart out to you and you want to talk about socks. Your worst fear is consoling people. It's not that. Okay. All right, dude. First of all, that was, that was my worst fear was her feeling bad.

So then I'd be consoling, okay? And I resent, I resent that. And the other thing, my sock, my sock game is kind of more interesting than, I'm sorry, but you're, you're life or death. You're not sorry, you're laughing. You're laughing to my face. Now you're coughing. I'm, I'm aghast that it looks like you're happy you're like a gog i don't know what a gog is but it's clearly that yeah i really think you're a gog let me look up what the word a gog is do you know what the word a gog is no i don't never heard that before in my life frankly a gog definition very very eager and

curious to hear or see something oh you're absolutely a god i was a gog i was a gog to be sure uh yeah i would i would agree with that you do go worst case scenario you console you say the crowd was bad keep up the good work there are worse things in the world right you go for your butt he'd go for you you didn't see the movie joker right i did not okay so one of the scenes in joker a movie i thought was god awful is joker i don't think i'm going to see it maybe someday on a plane i want i don't know if i yeah i want you to see it just so i i don't know if i want you to agree that it was bad so we can talk about it or disagree with me so we can discuss it.

But he's a mentally troubled, like literally diagnosable mentally ill man, like schizophrenic, paranoid, can't speak, has nervous laughter, ticks, habits,

whatever. And he does stand up at one point. Oh God. And one of his jokes is like, actually they only show him do two jokes. One of them is really bad because he can barely speak. And the other one is kind of funny. This is the joke.

When I was a kid, I told all my friends I wanted to do stand-up comedy. This is after he bombed. So he goes, when I was a kid, I told all my friends I wanted to do stand-up comedy. And they all laughed at me. Well, nobody's laughing now. That is good. So that's pretty good, right? So the whole point of the movie is that that joke is so bad

that Robert De Niro, a late night TV host, shows the clip of him, a mentally ill person, bombing at a comedy club. That joke, and then it cuts back to Robert De Niro, and he goes, you can say that again, and everyone cracks up. He just retold the joke. That's the point of the joke, is that he was making fun of himself.

That's bad writing to be sure. I mean, that would also just never, ever, ever happen. Of course, yeah. So much stuff in this movie would never, ever, ever happen. And then, especially because it takes place in like the early 80s, so the idea that they like taped this set of this mentally ill man and sent it to a comedy show to make fun of him and then the joke wasn't that bad and then that's what sets him off on this killing spree is not ideal not good yeah that's definitely crazy uh it was also kind of absurd that this whole point of the movie the jokers that this joker

guy wants to actually tell jokes i thought that was a little on the nose and silly. Yeah, that's lame. Aside of 300 other things I had problems with. But I'll wait until you actually watch the film. This guy just wanted to be a comedian. He is a Joker of himself. Yeah, that's kind of... I mean, the Joker, that seems awful. I guess I'll see it. I'll watch it.

The Joker to me is like an evil genius. This guy is just a mentally ill guy that had a mental problem where he laughed a lot and then wanted to tell actual jokes, which is a little on the nose. Right. And the Joker is like, the one from Dark Knight, like Heath Ledger's Joker is perfect. It's like, it's chaotic. It's not like silly or goofy. It's like the Joker is an agent of chaos that like throws things out of whack right this that's this guy maybe is this is like the backstory

of how that evil genius came to be but i highly doubt it it seems like he just took a dvd of the dark knight and took a giant dump on it for two hours. Right. It ruined an otherwise good movie. Wow. What is it? Actually, don't at me. What are his other movies? Uh, hangover,

old school, you know, classic comedies like that. Interesting. Yeah. This was his first attempt at like a gritty film. And people loved it. Is it,

I thought the reaction was very mixed. Uh, I think it got like a huge audience rating like the people that saw it really really liked it oh so a critical not good no critically did fine too it had like 70 on round tomato people liked it fine that's so i'm the weird one i'm the joker i've i've heard a lot of people dislike you okay that's good but maybe that's just my small circle. Maybe just me texting you every other day. From different numbers. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back,

answer some more questions, talk about more socks after this. Oh, yeah. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list.

Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. Yeah. You know, I've been reading a book that I've very much enjoyed. A book series, actually. Oh. It is the Master and Commander book series, which was recommended to me by none other than Thomas Middleditch. It's like Game of Thrones, but on a boat in the 1900s.

1800s, bub. 19th century. Yeah. Yeah, that's right. So it's, I mean, it's just really, really good. It's the story of, it's called the Aubrey Maturin series or something like that, or Adventures. And it's these two friends, Captain Jack Aubrey and the ship's naval surgeon, Stephen Maturin. And they have this really charming friendship and go

on all of these crazy adventures together. And they're always on ships and they're at war and there are battles and there are love interests. And it's just fucking, it's great. I's great i love it how many books are there like if you're into it you could just read this for months and months yes that was the other thing that i was really excited about because game of thrones i like burned through and then i i was stuck and have anything else to read uh but this is this series is 20 books long. I'm already on book six.

It's funny, when you were talking about Game of Thrones and how you would read the books and rewatch the episodes, I was always like, wow, how can something be so good that you'd want to do that? And then I'm like, I guess now I like Succession enough that I would rewatch season one. Yeah, and if there was a Succession book that went a little bit further

than where the TV show is right now, would you read it? Yeah, I would definitely give it a try. And I'm like, if this is just as good as the show, I would have to read it all. Yeah. That's exactly what happened to me. Especially because, would you say Succession's first two seasons you like better than Game of Thrones? Or is Game of Thrones still your goat? I think it's interesting. I think Game of Thrones is still my, my goat, but like succession to me has really basically never had a bad episode, even though there are like some storylines, like some elements of like the overall show that I'm like less into.

I feel like every single episode, a bunch of stuff happens. My favorite characters do great things it's super funny it's really well shot it's surprising it's like overall just consistently great what'd you do during the finale like the last five minutes when you saw that huge turn um without giving away what the story was did you like i like stood up and like started cheering like it was like an awesome sports moment i can imagine you doing that and i wish i saw that uh i sort of like felt like it was gonna come in the last in the last like minute so i'd mentally prepared for it but when it happened i my jaw

dropped i turned to jill and we were both like wow you know is she fully on board at this point a muted a muted like muted awe yeah she loves it i think the last time i felt like that over a tv show was like when gus got blown up in breaking bad and then he walks out and collapses yeah that was fucking awesome it was just like a cool stand up and cheer moment of a tv show yeah it's funny like you do kind of forget that logan roy is like he's he is a bad guy yes it's funny that you're weird because then again so are his children in theory yeah and so we're like the people trying to take over his company and stuff but like i find myself feeling bad for him like oh man like he's gonna get pushed out and then i'm like oh he like made people crawl

around on the floor begging for a sausage. He is a piece of shit. How good was that Stewie scene where he's like, yes, you will shove my dick in my cock and a million cocks in my balls. Listen, man, whatever you say, it doesn't matter. Yeah. It's such a great way of cutting them down. It's like, all your threats are fake, so I'm not actually scared by them. That doesn't work for us. Just so instantly declined god damn oh that like that's logan it is most most vulnerable too yeah and also doesn't he

like throw kendall under the bus during that fucking conversation does he i don't remember he's like you can have kendall's board seat and kendall's like ah wow did not agree to that yeah he was yeah totally oh it's so good yeah he's he's fucking bad to him if you haven't watched succession do that you have 20 amazing episodes to get through god damn wouldn't that be fun uh we got a dnd question which um you know apropos before i go your trip is your are all tickets sold out can you do you need a shout out uh no they are sold out we're sold out manchester sold out in london don't even bother showing up at this point even if you bought a ticket we're well we're selling uh i had uh some t-shirts made in manchester it was actually a real pleasure dealing with some international printers.

They're so charming. They said cheers a lot. You think we should bring that to America? Cheers never made it over, but it's such a big thing. Yeah, cheers would be nice. I could say cheers. I could start saying cheers, I think. Yeah.

Definitely because I've been reading this book that has so many British characters. You're an absolute Anglophile. My ancestors are from jolly old England. So it stands to reason. Forsooth. So this is a D&D based question. Okay. And it actually gets a little hot.

Hi, hard one and loser that doesn't play D&D. Ouch. Wow. I've DM'd for this group of two dudes and three girls that were friends from high school for a couple months now and it's been pretty cool because we are all well into the roleplay of it and we got really invested in the characters.

After all sessions, I got to hook up with one of the chicks and she told me that she was a virgin and felt really anxious about having sex and I may have had the most stupid idea ever. I told her that we should role play it as her character that was a tiefling bard. She really enjoyed the sex and so did I.

Now every time we hook up, she gets into character and it's getting weird and I get conscious on how bizarre the situation is. Sex was really good though and she is very pretty and i want to date her and i think she feels the same way how can i tell her that i don't want to keep having sex with her uh with her without the role play though thanks love i didn't get this guy name uh is there a british person in your dnd a british well i guess um Apple Scrumper because she was played by Siobhan Thompson. But, well, yeah, we'll just call him Apple. Okay, Apple. Do you know what a tiefling bard is?

Yes. A tiefling is a Dungeons and Dragons race that is sort of like fairy-y, but they have horns and a tail. And they're usually like purple or blue and a bard is a class which is like usually some kind of performance-y based class like a a singer or a uh or a play or an actor or something uh but they have they'll do or dance or something but they they have weapons and spells and so would it be nice to have sex with a tiefling bard? Yeah, that's one of the hotter classes, I would imagine. It's sort of like

having sex with a ballerina in the real world, I think. Have you combined your passions yet? Have you done research into D&D roleplay sex? Porn? No. No. I don't. I've not. I've never even looked at fantasticalical porn like lord of the rings or

game of thrones style porn which definitely exists definitely and that like would seemingly be up my alley but it doesn't interest me i guess porn is fantasy enough it's a different kind of fantasy yeah i don't need double fantasy there i think I also like the fantasy that I need in porn is to pretend like everyone likes it. No one's getting paid. I don't like seeing people in a whole bunch of like weird costumes. It like becomes way too real that it's produced and weird. Yeah. So it's like two negatives makes it even more obvious that it's fake man i think

this is like i feel like this is pretty straightforward though like it is great that you did the role play to make everybody feel comfortable but you don't have to continue it but you also don't have to be like we have to end the role play because in like in retrospect that could make the good sex uncomfortable, you know, like coloring it in a negative way. Like, oh, geez, I was being so awkward. He didn't even like that. He hates it, you know? Yeah. So I think what you do, especially if you like her, you want to date her, you sort of transition by saying, let's do one where we're just us. And that's nice.

And you don't have to say that at the sake of saying, this other thing is bad, so let's do this. You just say, let's do this new thing because it will also be good. And then you move forward without having to turn your head back in a negative way. Let's try to role play as a guy who doesn't want to fuck a tiefling bard anymore.

And then you be yourself. I don't want to. I thought you were asking me to do it. That was him talking to her, right? Yeah, yeah. Great. So you don't want to role play having sex with me? Should we?

What episode are we on? 405? Let's do it at 5 000 just fucking start making smut and it will be a patreon video episode that's right in 500 years we'll just fuck on camera we'll have to at that point. Because who cares anymore? All right. Last question? Yeah. I'm ready if you are, bud. This one made me laugh.

I guess we should go for one last British man, Andy Murray. Andy Murray writes, I've been into this girl for a while now and everything's going great. We've had some really long chats and both seem to be into each other. There's only one negative. We were at a house party flirting the roof off and I was seizing some serious cheese if you know what I mean. Huh? Oh yeah. We were sitting down

on the lawn eating pizza looking at the stars when she dropped hers cheese side down on the grass. She then picked it up as if I didn't notice and started eating it. Now I'm not the cleanliest or I'm not the cleanliest or a germ freak by any regard but it makes me feel

ill thinking about all the dogs that would have urinated and shat on that yard and if she's willing to put up with a germ infested pizza in her mouth despite the obvious what else is she willing to put in her mouth in all honesty I think that we could be soulmates but I'm seriously struggling getting

past this hurdle is there anything that your wife or girlfriend has done that has grossed you out and how have you gotten over it i would appreciate the feedback man good question well has avital done anything that was so gross that you couldn't get over it she's she's picked up our dog's shit with her mouth that's not bad though i mean obviously you got over it yeah i got over it i'm like you should use the bag and she's like yeah of course she's like oh of course yummy shit yummy shit uh now that actually none of that has happened she hasn't obviously she hasn't needed shit or or eating the pizza off the grass obviously she never ate shit.

Like, I know you don't have to, like, make a joke like that intense and then tell me you're kidding, you know? The dog did once urinate in her mouth. Really? As a goof. As a goof. Okay, is that one for real, though? Because now I don't fucking know anymore, man. That one is fake, but what actually happened was a lot worse uh i don't yeah i don't think obviously jill's never done anything that i couldn't get over

because we're married um but is this a thing that would be a non-starter i don't think it would be a non-starter it's really it's more funny than anything i also might could it be a one-off where were you guys drunk maybe yeah and here's my theory you want to hear my theory yeah i don't think that this is like ground pizza and she's like that's fine i don't care if things fall on the ground i think she was just like enjoying the moment and didn't want you to think that the like that the pizza fell or she didn't want to do something awkward in front of you it wasn't like she doesn't have hygiene it doesn't care about eating pizza from the grass she just wanted to be chill in front of you unbeknownst to her this is now backfired extremely because it looks like she eats dirt pizza but i

think you should get over it and forget it ever happened because she probably thinks you don't know. Yeah, maybe this is a one-off. And you don't know if this is a one-off or a reoccurring character until it happens again or doesn't. Right. Well, you could construct a way to make it happen again. Okay, what are you thinking? You say, hey, let's meet. I have, and then you show up with a pie.

A pizza pie. A pizza pie. You're like, oh, hey show up with a pie, a pizza pie, a pizza pie. You're like, Oh, Hey, how's it going, Sally? Yeah.

And then you walk towards her and stumble, fall, dumping the pie onto the ground. Yeah. And then you say, well, this pizza is obviously inedible, I suppose.

Thoughts. And then see how she reacts. And if she's like, no, it's fine. It's just pizza. Then you sort of like, you have to see where she draws the And if she's like, no, it's fine. It's just pizza. Then you sort of like, you have to see where she draws the line. So like the next day you're like, oatmeal for two?

Meet me at the South Lawn. And then the bowls tip over. And obviously oatmeal is a little more viscous, a little more wet. That's like, it's sticking to the grass. It's so thick. And does she leave it? Or does she scoop it back into the bowl? Yeah, does she use like her...

And say, this is fine. Does she use her hands to like, sort of like, strain the fucking oatmeal off the blades and then just sort of flick it back into the bowl? Or is she like, this is too much for me? That's a great question. And if she does like, lift it up, then like, all right last last things last

before i call this a day because after all it is three strikes and you have you're out you you show up having had chicken soup but you have a bowl for her so it's completely wet it's water it's liquid at this point right and you say meet me the lawn. Because oatmeal can still be scooped. That's right. In fashion. At this point, she will, if she does want to salvage the oatmeal, she'll have to suck on the dirt. Right. Which is foul to think, but like maybe she's down. And that's inexcusable.

Like, is there a world where she shoves the clumps of dirt mud because there was broth in there and at that point you'd be like at that stage it is more dirt than food because the the the water from the soup has gone gone down into the soil deep deep deep probably not to be to be gotten it would be dirt flavor it would be soup flavored dirt that she were consuming that's yeah and would she want that and if she does do you want that to be in your life because you'll never be able to discard food no because she'll eat trash and dirt and grass and dirt to be with yeah and that would be like that's that's where I have to draw this really wet, dirty line. I think we solved that one through and through.

Cut to them just sucking dirt for the rest of their lives. And they live happily ever after. What do you think of the five second rule? Are you picking stuff off the ground nowadays? No, I don't do it at all like were you a little more lenient in your younger days yeah in my younger days i used to do it for a reaction but now i am very stressed out about getting sick i don't like to be ill yeah and what about what about if it's at home and you drop like a piece of sandwich if it's on the floor just it's

a no-go carpet the most the something yeah nothing i won't do it what i would do is sometimes if i if i'm at a restaurant and something falls off of my plate onto the table that's that's like a dependable up a depend like depending on how hungry depending on the establishment type of thing yeah you know yeah like say you're at a mcdonald's and you drop a fry onto the table from the tray do you eat that onto the tray i think the tray is fine oh tray is fine so it comes it goes it you're eating on a tray but you drop off the tray onto the table yeah i'd like to think i'll put it back on the tray and I'll consider that an emergency fry. And if at the end of the fries, I still want another fry, I'll be like, fine, fuck it. What's the big deal?

Wow. So that would be your last fry? Yeah. Your last fry would be a freaking table fry? Because you got to think that. I eat it right away because I'm just like, I need to not think about it. I'll end up eating this, but I'll feel guilty. Or I'm just like going to just like put it in my mouth and forget it ever happened and if you're let's say you have two

filet-o-fish on a tray and you're walking back to the table from the mcdonald's counter and somebody trips you and then the tray goes flying and the filet-o-fish sort of opens and then it lands on the ground sauce side down so there's the slice of cheese and the tartar sauce. The tartar sauce is on the ground. And then you sort of, you pick it up and you scoop it. You scoop the sauce that like hit the ground with your index finger. You're sort of scraping it off and then you reassemble the sandwich. Are you going to eat that sandwich still?

I'm a gog. What? I'm a gog. So? I'm a gog. So you're eager to hear or see more about this sandwich? Uh-huh. I'm a gog to hear what you'll do of it. I gotta fucking eat this. It's a Filet-O-Fish.

You can't just buy another one. Yeah. They don't have another half piece of cheese. They're out of half pieces of cheese. They'll have to do it with a whole slice. At that point, their sandwich is ruined. Disgusting. Alright, that's it. That's our time. Those are our questions. Thanks for writing in. If you have your own theme song or question,

send it to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was that sex and candy parody. Or it wasn't a parody. I don't know. Did I say who sang it or did we get into like some weird tangents? We got into some weird tangents, frankly.

It was by Tommy. Tommy Dowdy. So thank you, Tommy from Canada. Well, okay. And this closing one is a Drake cover. Fuck yeah. From somebody named Chris Willis. A trio of parody songs that he whipped

up the first song is a drake parody of the song with you that is a reference to the garbage disposal anecdote from the 400th episode shout out to my wife's instagram heather dw um because she told me i sounded bad in it so thanks chris for sending it anyway. Okay. And thanks to Chris's wife, who says that he sounded bad in it. And thanks to you guys for listening. More If I Were You, of course, on our Patreon. That's

patreon.com slash JA bonus Thursday video episodes. Right on. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Maybe Jake'll be back, of course, next week. Maybe Jake will be back from London town. Indeed. I'll tell you guys how my shoe debacle turned

out. There's a chance we have to record that episode on Monday. So if it's Monday and it's not out yet, no, it'll be out on Tuesday. But with British anecdotes. And I'll tell you all about my shoes. Okay? Everybody's curious. Thanks for listening everybody. Bye. drive I need to lease a new ride is this car talk or some other type of show a home improvement thing I'm hoping my disposal list are broken Georgia quarter couldn't break through Allen

wrench and a corkscrew you get that photo that I sent you it'll be fine cause I'll pay a guy that was a hate gum podcast fine because I'll pay a guy.