Segments - 406: Better Late Than Never

Episode Date: October 30, 2019

In this special tardy edition of our show, we discuss where we've traveled, and why Jake almost couldn't make it there. Then we tackle a few Halloween questions.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Me being pegged by a woman because I really like butt stuff.

Is that me being gay? Jake and Amir. Tota. This is their podcast show. Oh, okay. If you listen to them. I'll put it in my butt. They'll tell you what you want to know.

This is what made me cum. Omer is dirty. He always wins the tourney. Yes. He is a sick mojo too. You're a real meanie. Dick is flirty. His mind is really dirty.

This isn't how I work it. Railed out by a dildo. If I were you. Oh. If. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. Oh. You gotta have a respect for the classics. I think we played it cool.

Cool. Cool. You know what's weird? I can't fault that song because it's all stuff that we said. Yeah, we wrote it. I feel like if a new person who had never heard the show before was tuning in yeah they they don't they would have not kept on listening and they would have been like so this so this podcast is just two guys that talk about dildos going in there and

asking if they're gay for that and And how would they have found my podcast? Like, how would they have found what we're doing anyway for them to even try it out? I guess that's true. But like, when were those audio clips taken from? All last episode. I want to believe that it was 2015. Before the great awokening. Yeah. I want to believe that it was 2015. I really do. Before the Great Awakening.

Yeah. Before Trump got elected. That was written by Giorgio, and he says he's in an electronic music collective spiritually based in Venice, Italy called Adventure de Margarita. And in English, that means The Adventures of Margaret. Very cool. An electric music collective. All sounds like people that get laid a lot.

Or never. And shout out to his bandmates, Mick, Big G, and DJ Baby J. DJ Baby J. We're recording this very rare on a Tuesday. Going to upload it tomorrow, a Wednesday release of our podcast. You're not even going to upload it today? I got to edit it. And by the time I upload it tomorrow. A Wednesday release of our podcast. You're not even going to upload it today? I got to edit it

and by the time I upload it, it'll be like nighttime. So it'll be like, you know, Wednesday morning commute style. Yeah. Very, very interesting. Very late.

Is this the latest our podcast has ever been? I know. And we're sorry. Two days late after 400 episodes. Oh, get off your fucking high horse.

Like you've never done anything that late. Don't add us. Don't add us. Oh, I've your fucking high horse. Like you've never done anything that late. Yeah. Don't add us. Don't add us. Oh, I've been added. I've been added. You've already been.

I profusely apologize. Stop adding us. Quit it. But we have a good reason. You were in London. You were in Prague. Then I was in New Orleans for like five days. We were just traveling.

We were unable to sync our schedules until right now. Yeah. This is the first time we've been able to. And now we can catch ourselves up. I can ask you, how was England and or Prague? I had such a great time. I really did. You know, you and I went to Manchester before,

but we were only there for like 12 hours and we stayed. Yeah, and we stayed in a very small, sad hotel and it was like cloudy and we were near the train tracks. Yeah, I would love to see... We stayed in a hotel ibis. That's right. You really don't want to stay in an ibis where we slept in a bunk bed, and the shower... Yeah, it was a hostile situation. The shower was in the room. It was just like a curtain. There was no privacy. It was a curtain situation instead of like a door.

Yeah. Why did we do that? We sold out a show in Manchester and then stayed at a hostel as if we were backpacking. It made no sense. It really didn't make any sense at all. I think we just found an amazing deal. Yeah, it was like $109 or something. But like, honestly, I had a really good deal at my hotel in Manchester this time, and it was like $109 or something. But like, honestly, I stayed, I had a really good

deal on my hotel in Manchester this time. And it was amazing. It was really nice. I wonder if it's, yeah, it was like a less crowded season. Did you go during the weekend? Or was it midweek? The show was on Saturday night. I got there on Friday, and I left Manchester on Sunday. And it's... And you didn't stay at the Ibis. I didn't stay at the Ibis for some reason. I stayed at the Whitworth Lock. It was very nice. Okay. I think we also, last time we were there, we were on, I don't know what part of town that was, but it was raining, and it was kind of in the middle of nowhere. We went on a long walk, but it was sort of like through an abandoned mall.

Oh, yeah. We went through the Keys. The Keys? Yeah. went on a long walk but it was sort of sort of like through an abandoned mall oh yeah we went through the keys the keys yeah pronounced or like spelled q u a y that's right we went we walked the keys and went back to the ibis that's right from ibis to keys and back um and this time like i i went on a run and i ran through a couple neighborhoods then we like went back to some of the neighborhoods that i that i had run through that i thought were cool and it was it was amazing it was a very funky little town the nice thing about it was just that it was like a really manageable size so it was like very walkable uh a lot of great bars and restaurants some really good coffee shops it was it beautiful. It was way better than the first time.

I thought I didn't like Manchester. And having gone a second time, I loved it. And you didn't have any food poisoning or back-related illnesses? Yeah, no food poisoning, no back-related illness. And I actually felt healthy and good the whole time. London was always, as always, incredible. I had an issue that i'll tell you about uh is this shoe related socks related oh no the shoe i'm happy to report that i brought

the right shoes i it was cold it was the weather in london especially was like a little chilly a little rainy like layers required not like a sweater, not a light jacket. Oh, wow. It was not flyknit weather. It was the shield. It was shield weather and the shields were very good. Was your nose cold? Like, is it like so cold that like your nose kind of, the tip of your nose would freeze a little bit? Not like that, but it was like hands had to be in pockets. You didn't need gloves, but you had to put the hands in the pockets.

Got it. Did you get a cold? No. I actually, thankfully, in a way, got a cold two days before I went. Oh, so that sort of immunized yourself. Yeah. I was flying on Thursday, and I started to feel a little sick on Monday. And I was like, you know what? This is actually better than getting a cold on the road, which is what happened last time. There's nothing worse than getting a cold while you're in Europe. Because like a cold will last, a bad one will last like eight days. And it's just like, great.

My whole entire trip is ruined and I'll feel a little sluggish and sick and I won't sleep well and my throat will hurt. Which probably happens to us 80% of the time we travel a lot. We're almost always sick. You always get me sick, I think. That's the thing. You always are afraid that I'll get you sick, but when you're sick, I'm never like, fuck you for getting me sick. Yeah, I'm definitely a real asshole about it.

I was like, yeah, Jill got me sick. I was kind of mad at her. Yeah, you shoved her. Yeah. I also bet I am the one that got her sick. But any whom, shoes aside, which were all the right call, I packed pretty well for the trip. I'll say that again. You can say that again.

And you did. Well, fans actually aren't that comfortable to walk around in for a long time. Jesus Christ. I could have done a little bit better there. But any whom, anywho, I was, tell me if you know about this rule where you can't travel

into certain countries with less than three months on your passport. Did not know that rule. So, I, so evidently, if you,

if your passport expires January 1st, or just for the hell of it, let's say your passport expires January 24th, and you have a return trip from Prague on October 27th, they will not let you into Prague. They will not let you into their country. Because they're afraid you'll stay there until after your passport expires. Yes. Apparently you can, I don't fully remember because I was so stressed out,

but like you can stay somewhere up to 90 days. So in theory, you could stay past your expiration on your passport. So there's a, there's a bunch of countries that will not let you into them. If you have less than 90 days until your passport expires, which is crazy because you have three months. I have a return trip. I'm not going to do this.

I don't love Prague that much. You can do the whole thing in two days, man. Trust me, I'll be gone before January 24th. But they won't let you in. So I found all this out as I was checking into my flight for Prague. And the lady's just like, I can't let you on the plane. Can't let you on the plane. This has got to be such a prevalent issue that more people should know about it. Once I started, you know what's such a prevalent issue that like more people should know about it.

I once I started, you know, it's weird. I did kind of I had like heard about it and I looked it up and I looked at a list of the countries that require more than 90 days or some some even require we require like up to nine months of validity on your passport. Like then that's nine months. The passport that is just is not valid anymore after nine years and three months you know yeah don't say it takes 10 years to get a new passport so you just you have to do it after nine then yeah just say you have to do it after nine and have the expiration day be the last day i don't know uh but yeah they the lady wouldn't let me on the plane uh because my passport expired on oct 24th, and I was trying to fly on October 24th.

So she's like, you can't go. This is devastating to me and Jill, who'd been planning this trip. Jill studied abroad in Prague, really wanted to take me. And I don't know what to do. Like, the lady's just like, you can't get on the plane. And I'm like, okay. And then and then trips over i have to go home and you were basically trying to like guilt this lady who works at the the airport be like all right i'm just gonna go home then it's gonna ruin my trip a stranger to you okay i'm sad i'm sad and do you even care and jill and i sort of like

switched roles at this moment because i'm usually the one that like is like there's always a way around something. We don't have to take no for an answer. We can figure it out. But instead I was just – I just shut down. I was like, all right, I have no way out of this one. We have to go back to London now. And Jill changed my flight to fly out of this one. We have to go back to London now. And Jill changed my flight to fly out of Prague that night. So with me having a flight out of Prague before my passport was going

to be expired within 90 days, the lady was able to check me in. I was able to go to Prague. And then once I was there, once I had flown into Prague, I just didn't go on my flight. Oh, sneaky. It was like some sort of math riddle. Yeah. So it's like, okay, I basically did what they're afraid of, which is... Which is the worst, most annoying, stupid kind of rule where it's like, all right, I'll lie to you right now. You know I'm lying and then that's fine and they're like yeah that's fine and jill and i also being so conspicuous like whispering she's like so i'm like okay yes so if i if we change the flight and tonight like to 9 p.m i can go and jill's like pulling me aside and she's like and then you don't. I'm like, I know. Shut the fuck up.

Quiet, dude. We're on the same page. But then I'm like. Your taste. But the worst part is, it's like, I basically bent the rules just to get on the flight. I'm not into Prague yet. Like, I was not allowed to get on the flight with this passport. And lying, begging and lying got me on the flight, but it has not gotten me in at Prague.

So then we're like waiting in customs in Czechoslovakia or the Czech Republic or whatever it's called. I should say you're recording this from a prison in 1987. And I'm just like, I have no idea if this guy's gonna let me in or not. Like I'm sweating, I'm so stressed and he's just having a very normal day. I go up rehearsing like 1,000 different permutations of how this conversation is going to go.

And it takes him three seconds. The green light goes on. Door opens. I go inside. And then I tried to call and change my ticket to go back. And again, I had the same problem. British Airways is like, you can't fly your passport. Oh, right. I forgot about the second half of this plan where we're sneaking

out of Prague. Right. So now I'm just stuck in Prague. And I had to go to the American embassy in Prague, which was a fun little adventure. And I got an emergency passport and I was able to leave Prague. Wow. That is a good story. And the whole entire thing, as stressful as it was, it only cost me a hundred bucks. It only cost me $5,000. 5,000 krones. And I had to bribe a Gestapo officer to get me a fake passport. And Prague is lovely. I had a great time in Prague. It was great.

Beautiful city. I saw, I wasn't going to call you out, but I saw on Jill's private close friend's Instagram story that you were wearing a fanny pack. That's correct. So was the idea there that she couldn't post it to her main feed because you were wearing a fanny pack? Or was it just other close friends related content? I was proud of the fanny pack. I think maybe Jill was embarrassed wearing a fanny pack or was it just uh other close friends related content i was proud of the fanny pack i think maybe jill was embarrassed of the fanny pack

because i didn't it didn't even occur to me i'm just wearing a fanny pack it was convenient that was the day i had to go to the embassy so i got two i got two passports in there you know you want to have that shit tied to your waist. Yeah. It's an external money bill. Yeah. No, I think it was just like, it was just a close friends content kind of day for Jill. It was like, Jake and a fanny pack, close friends, us drinking beer, anybody can see.

Jake and a fanny pack, close friends. Well, now you got me insecure about it, man. Now I'm starting to think she doesn't like the fanny. She definitely did make fun of it a lot. How was NOLA? Ooh, great question. Tell me about the sports games. Sports games were fun. I have one semi-story, but maybe we'll answer a question, take a break, come back, and then I'll tell my NOLA story so we don't get too bogged down in the details of our trips. I love that. Here's an interesting one we got from Israel. So we'll call this guy Yair, which is my Israeli brother's name, who went with me to New Orleans. Cool.

Yair writes, I'm a 30-year-old male, and my wife and I met in high school when we were 15, and I seized her cheese and started dating her when we were 16. I seized her cheese. She's a certified 10 new Israeli shekel coin piece. I married her ass when we were 20, and now 10 years later, we have a few kids and we're living the good life. The other day I was J-O, but the internet in the apartment wasn't working, and I couldn't get good enough cell service to stream,

so I resorted to some high school level shit and started scrolling through old albums of mine on my phone to see if I could find sexy pictures of my wife. Wow. I finally found some really hot bikini pics, which did the job, seeing as though she was a total smoke show. So even though she was in a bikini, she was able to get me off. This is very romantic.

Yeah. The problem is, do you know what the problem is? I have no fucking clue. He scrolled down so far that he realized that those pics were from when she was 16. Oh, we are, of course, dating at the time, but in the heat of the moment, it didn't register. Did I just J-O to an underage girl? I mean, I was banging her then, and I did marry her and all, but 30-year-old me feels

like I just jerked off to a 16-year-old. Am I a pedophile for that? I'm not sure I'm asking what to do, but I would like to know what you think. Tadara Ba, Amir Hu, chipmunk. So, thank you very much, and Amir's a chipmunk.

I know. You sure you want to give this guy your brother's name? Well, I'm going to say that he's not a pedophile for it. So I'm okay with that. I would say he's not a pedophile, but I would also, I would recommend never having written this email or telling anybody about this at all in the first place.

This is the new prisoner's dilemma. Yeah, this is just, I don't know. I really don't know. This is really fucking strange to me. Your nose is bleeding. My brain broke. Well, like when you J-O and you think of old images of, by the way, someone you're married to, they could potentially be under 18.

Because if you've known her for that long. Right. Why am I under fucking arrest right now? Relax. I'm nervous. I would be too. I don't know. I agree.

But I think it's still, it's real's real fraught man it's just not worth it unsend undelete rerecord cancel the podcast yeah i don't know i really don't know i would i don't think maybe you're not a pedophile but just don't do it don't like it's it happened by accident. It was a mistake. It was your wife. I forgive you, but don't talk about it anymore, man. Don't do it again. Can he do it again? No, no, don't.

I think it's way worse knowing. Absolutely way worse knowing. I mean, let's say she was 18. That would be legal. Yes, that's legal. That's fine. I don't know. It's such a was 18. That would be legal. Yes, that's legal. That's fine. I don't know. It's such a thin line, such a blurry line.

Is this what blurred lines is about? I think that was one of the problems people had with it. There is a very clear, distinct line. It's not a blurry line. It's 18. Well, who knows what it is in Israel? Yeah, I guess I don't know what it is in Israel. So thanks for writing.

Don't do it again, but you're fine for now. Tread lightly. No more. I honestly resent even being asked, frankly. Because now you're implicated in this shit. Holy shit, I'm going to forward you the pictures, too. No, no, no. I feel like I'm on the record

on this now and I don't want to be. This plus the prog thing. Yeah. It definitely should be in jail. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back. We'll talk more,

catch up more. I don't even know if I ever introduced this fucking show, which is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us.

Late, not only in the week, but late to the intro as well. This is the late episode. Late, late. Delate. Do you think delayed comes from the root late? Yes. I am delayed. That's how it started. And then it became its own word. Yeah. All right. Okay. Take a break. Come back. Answer some more questions.

Talk about some more travels after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create. Easy to sell. easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology. Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain

name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own freakyfriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

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Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, just a quick piece of advice. Renew your passport, kids.

It's not worth the stress, time, and energy, okay? Don't go to the embassy. Don't go to the consulate. It's not a fun time. Is it? Can you renew your passport anytime you want, or does it have to be like in the last year? What do you mean?

Like, I got a new passport two years ago. It expires in eight years. Can I renew it right now? I would think so. I would think so. I can't imagine why not. Yeah. Yeah.

I just found out recently that babies can get passports. Yeah, there was a baby getting a passport when I was in the embassy in Prague, actually. Yeah. It's really funny. There's just like a three-month-old baby on a passport. It is. They shouldn't need them, right? What? Yeah.

If you're a baby, that should be fine. That should be proof that you're not illegal. Like scanning the baby's passport, eyeing the i guess it's like i don't want to protect from like trafficking or something yeah i don't know uh i think i'm going on record as saying babies don't need passports uh i'll say that they do because i bet there's some sort of really really uh powerful reason that they do like baby kidnapping and trafficking. Okay. Can I change my official stance? I would. I honestly would.

I think babies are the only people that need passports. Actually, I think that's a little closer. I really want, like, waiting in the crazy custom lines, I just don't, I wish that I could just have, I don't know, that they can have access to whatever they want of mine. Like, I don't care about like big brother face scanning anything. I have nothing to hide. I just don't want to take off my shoes

and put my shit into tiny little containers. So you want global entry? I do want global entry. Do you have global entry? No, because I got, there's like that app that's called like mobile passport that's like basically the same thing oh i see uh and on the way back the global entry line was longer than the mobile passport line and when i was in the mobile passport line uh the guy there was uh somebody called me over to the diplomat line, and I got to go in where the diplomats go in,

and that was real cool too. I was a diplomat, dude. For a day. For an afternoon, for an afo. It seems like there should be a new system by now, then waiting in line and having a surly officer saying, do you have anything to declare? And then you say no, and then he's like, why are you here?

And you're like, for vacation. And then he stamps your passport you walk past it really is fucking insane is international crime we're just down to the honor system asking me a question and hope that i don't lie i don't know there must i mean it must be like this is also all like i you got to remember to check your privilege here uh just because like there it is we're like the right color that these things don't really apply to us like yeah we're not being racially profiled no the fact that i'm like talking to british airways and like sneaking into prague is a really good position to be in yeah you can do that because your name is jake herwood yeah and that is i am i'm a'm a lucky guy. But it does feel like

even beyond that, the system is just like a little bit bizarre. Yeah. You're a lucky guy, but you deserve to be luckier. That's honestly exactly what I was trying to say. Thanks for putting it so succinctly. All right. So I go to New Orleans. I then watch Pelicans game, great basketball game. The plan is the next day to go to Baton Rouge for the LSU Auburn game because I want to experience SEC football, which is like Southeastern Conference football, the best college football in the country. Right. We get there and it does not disappoint. There are probably 250,000 people in and around the stadium before the game even starts. Jesus. It's kind of like a religion down there. Everybody, like, full families are there. Like, grandparents who went to LSU, their children who are now parents went to LSU, and then grandkids who are like now college students all at LSU.

Generations. For six Saturdays a year. Tailgate, which is like basically this huge city-wide picnic situation with RVs and campers and barbecues and TVs everywhere. So we see some like RVs that look like they're like-made for LSU fans, like this purple and yellow giant mobile bus with gator skin interior and people making jambalaya and gumbo, inviting you in.

And we're three Jews from California, so we're the out-of-towners that everyone was being very nice to. We get into the game. It's insane. There's 100,000 people in there all rooting for LSU, harder than I've ever seen any fan root for a team. So this is more intense than the one you did last year, which was Georgia-Auburn? Yeah, Georgia-Auburn had similar vibes, but LSU is the number two team in the country. So they treat every play like it's the Super Bowl

because they can't lose a game. Wow. It's kickoff. Everybody's standing doing this organized chant where they all know exactly what to say, when to say it, what to sing, hand movements, arm movements, standing, bowing, jumping. It's like, it's literally like praying. Jesus. And it's not only like, you know, college drunk kids. It's like literally the row in front of us was a dad his three daughters who like were all so nervous throughout the entire game like yelling after every like second down like what

the fuck are you guys doing or like screaming at the ref like turning around the entire audience like rooting for it together uh they end up winning the game great and people tell us to go to i'm like what's the college bar around here that people celebrate at? I'm like, I've been to a college bar. I can hang. But at LSU, since there's 200,000 to 500,000 people all looking to party after these games, the college bar, quote unquote, is this place called Fred's, which is in an area called Tiger Town or Tigerville because it's the LSU Tigers. Of course.

And when we get there, it's not even a bar. The bar is too small, so they set up big top-style tents like it's the circus. Jesus. So you go to this parking lot, which is like the size of Dodger Stadium parking lot. There's an entrance called Welcome to Tiger Town. You walk through the gate and it's carnival style tents. But it's not just one. It's like, you know, on the right is Fred's, which has like its own big top. And then across

the parking lot is like another place called Mike's, which is another bar with another big top. Mike's and Fred's. And I walk inside. It's a $10 cover. I'm going to send you this video that I took once I was in there. Imagine a college bar where I don't know Moravian or whatever Western Pennsylvania.

Then let me send you this video. This was just one of the let's say four college bars in this big tent area. Yeah, in Tigertown. Tigerville. Whatever they call it. let's say four college bars in in this big tent area yeah in tiger town tigerville whatever they call it was anybody did anybody recognize you no uh everybody seemed so young so drunk so like oh completely like it felt like a different planet here check out the video i'm watching this is looks like barcelona yeah it's basically Ibiza under a tent.

Everybody there paid $10, and this was one of four bars slash tents in Tigertown. What time is it right here? Only 10 p.m. How late did you guys stay? I did one lap, and I'm like, I can't move. I can't see anything. And we basically left. Yeah, I guess I would do that, too.

You didn't get a drink? So many kids i mean this looks like yeah this looks like a european rave it really does that looks after a football game i guess this happens 11 saturdays a year i'm wondering like what what this bar is like on a thursday in march no way they keep these tents up year round, right? There's so much infrastructure around it. But like, yeah, I guess why not? Because there's so many, there's so much cash to be made.

We should make our own bar. That's right. And it's so funny because it has like a very like, I look on the map and it's like, oh, Fred's, this seems easy. Yeah, Tigerland, that's what it's called. Tigerland. Fred's in Tigerland. My god.

So that was our experience in Baton Rouge. Very nice. But I'm heading back to Fred's this weekend if you're interested. I'm interested. I am very interested. So they're playing, it's a bi-week, so it's going to be a little more chill vibe. And I'm DMing Fred's Bar. They're not responding so far. But I said I was down to do like five minutes of podcasting before the DJ set. Five minutes stand up. Yeah, so I'm going to do stand up at Fred's if you're in the area. I'm not interested, frankly. Yeah.

Okay, that makes sense. Right, because who would be? You didn't even have any fans down there. You said no one even recognized you. They'd be angry at me. And they don't care about you. They're like football fans they don't yeah exactly they're football fans they want to hear music and or djs and stuff like that you're like a middle-aged podcaster like yeah i'd be like kind of like a wet blanket on their um like awesome night uh people would

be mad at me a lot of your material is kind of like making fun of Fred's and like at the LSU religion of football too, right? Yeah, like I'm an outsider for sure, and I'm not there to make friends. Yeah, you're there to make cash, and that's all you want to do. Yeah, I want a percentage of the door. Right, which again, no one is there to see you, so why would you get that? No, they're there to like just drink, party. Listen to music, celebrate their team there to see you, so why would you get that? No, they're there to just drink, party. Listen to music, celebrate their team's win.

Yeah, exactly. And I'm just there saying, hey, is anybody here from out of town? Yeah, right. Why would you be? Who would be caught dead in a place like this if you're from literally anywhere else? It's wild to me that you recognize this and you still want to go. Isn't that strange? I'm going, yeah. So I'm i'm gonna be there on thursday why but that's the thing i'm asking like you know that it's midnight that's such a bad time i go on it that's a bad time they're they're yeah you're they're

away this weekend right yeah they're away but they like do a pre-game on friday morning and then that leads into the game on sat Saturday so you but you're gonna be there Thursday night so no one will I guess I guess have fun sorry yeah have fun have a good time man thank you and I'm getting you a ticket too I'm not going you are no I'm not um speaking of fans we got a question from a guy who signed it off with, I'm a virgin. Oh. So we'll call this guy Virgil. Nice.

Virgil says, I made a Tinder earlier this year. Just yesterday I saw a girl with a bio, not really a hobby, but I've been pretty into craisins recently. Love it. I had never seen another diva roach to share a beef with on Tinder before, so I super liked her. I had a bio with a reference to Jake and Amir too, for that matter. She matched with me in about 45 minutes, and I told her that I was planning on going dickless for chickless if she hadn't matched with me. Love it. Figured she'd respond in kind.

I like saying in kind. I thought she'd respond in kind, but instead she said I was just about to talk to you, but my approach would have been a little different. Ha ha. I figured maybe for whatever reason she knew about the Crazins reference but not the dickless for chickless, so

the next message I sent her was your bio is a Jake and Amir reference, right? Next thing I know, the complete queen unmatched me. Did the bitch get skittish when she found out what alpha Webby award-winning taste I had? Was she a bot? Was she a John Wolf style who references things to get boys excited and then blue balls them right before they sink the game winning three? Where did I go wrong?

I'm a virgin. Oh man. I think if it's possible, we've influenced this kid too much. I no longer like him. My God. Yeah yeah it could be a john wolf style i'm planning on going dickless for chickless and then she's like ha ha it unmatches you there's other references you could have made man you should have done a one almond thing you think she left because of the reference i don't know like her her bio is so a Jake and Amir thing, right? Yeah, craisins. It's possible. I wonder if it's possible that she saw it somewhere else and took it.

Oh, like she had no idea? Like what if she was on Tinder? She saw a dude with that bio and she's like, that's pretty funny. It's like a weird random thing to say. I'll put that in my bio. There's no way you like that as a standalone joke. I'm not really a hobby, but I've been pretty into craisins. That's good.

That's a standalone joke to you. Yeah, I like it, but I wouldn't imagine someone who has no idea who I am would like it. I think there's play there's room in the world for those as standalone jokes i could imagine somebody seeing that and being like that's a good bio for my tinder which means nothing you know and yeah and then but then when somebody um gives you another one i'm going dickless for chickless if you don't match with me she didn't respond in kind she responded in mean yeah i guess there's just no matter how much you think they know our videos i feel like on

a dating app saying you're gonna cut your dick off for michael chickless is just not the move yeah regardless you did say the word dick in the first message. Right. So avoid that in the future and you'll be fine. But you know what? Odds are you might find another woman out there who likes both the craisins and the dickless reference. I do like keeping a Jake and Amir reference in there. Might help you find some common ground with one of these babes.

Here's a Halloween themed question for us, just in time. How a theme are you doing anything for halloween um i don't know i feel like i missed the party when i was away like if all of my friends went out this past saturday yeah halloween feels like that was another thing at lsu it was not only that but also halloween so people were dressed up but that's super fun the weekend before halloween like happens and then by the time halloween rolls around you're like wait wasn't that last week yeah especially when it's like it's on a thursday this year which is like thursday is a kind of a party night you could totally go out on a thursday yeah and then do you wear the same costume twice i don't know i think

i'm just like in my old age i'm past going out on th. I don't want to be hungover when I have shit to do. Yeah, on a Friday. It's crazy that a few years ago, that was just fine with me. Be like, yeah, I'll go out till 4 a.m. on a Tuesday. Yeah. Wednesday, I'll be awash, but I'll just be in the office. It's crazy. But I'll just be in charge of things. Yeah, insane.

I think that's the difference between being an employee and being the head of a company. I guess so. Yeah, I don't feel like I can be hung over. All right, here's the question. Okay. We'll call this person Jack Skellington. Nice.

Hey, Jake and Amir, I'm in a little bit of a pickle. You see, I'm a female office worker. Uh-oh, Jacqueline Skellington. Right. And I work in'm a female office worker. Uh-oh. Jacqueline Skellington. Right. And I work in a very typical office space. Cubicles, the constant sound of typing on a computer, and stressed-out bald guys walking around talking about numbers. With All Hallows' Eve coming up,

a department very close to my own has decided to decorate. Not sure what they were going for, but in one of the rows they just laid a trail of hay on the ground. Just hay, nothing else. The hay has been there for two weeks, and Halloween is still a week away. The problem is that the smell of hay is getting worse. It smells like something is mutating into some kind of work-fermented hay.

I think I might become allergic to the dang stuff, and it's in the row right by the entrance, so every time someone opens the door, a waft of fresh wind gets turned into the horse's dream smell. Should I bring this up to my boss and have them remove it? Or should I wait out a week, wear a mask, and to work to protect my delicate nose from the stench of this hay? Any advice would be greatly helpful, thanks.

She's got hay fever. What is the correlation between hay and Halloween, like haunted hay rides? I guess it's like i don't know maybe like uh just like a fall thing yeah it doesn't make any sense to me have you ever done a haunted hay ride yes i think i oh yeah i definitely have what's the deal there you just what you're on a you're in a car in a field with hay you ride on like a big open bed of a tractor trailer style thing uh with like hay on the ground and you just sit there and it's basically instead of walking through a haunted house you kind of like drive through a field or an obstacle course and shit jumps out at you throughout like throughout

a farm i see i don't like scary shit though i don't that's not me i don't like haunted rides or haunted houses i don't like being shocked grabbed frightened i don't like ghost you on the truck switches so i don't like being touched haunted spooked or scared oh what was that oh i'm just here to ask you if yeah you have the 25 for the hayride 25 now that's terrifying that's the scariest part of this whole place i think i don't know yeah you can i i feel like in if it were me in this situation i usually don't say anything and i would just suffer for a week and have it be over. But if it's like actually making you sick, you're well within your rights to request that it be removed. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Hayes, I think you can be officially allergic to it. Oh, yeah. And I feel like if it stinks, other people probably think so too. Right. I think it's definitely one of those things where as soon as you say something, people will be like, oh yeah, that is really bad. We should get rid of that.

Nobody's going to know. I don't think anyone's going to defend the hay. Yeah. Maybe put up a small pumpkin. Yeah. You're ruining Hayoween for us. Yeah. Have you seen our Halloween decorations going up in Brooklyn still?

Oh yeah. I saw the most charming thing last night, which was just like my neighbors putting up cobwebs with their kids. Yeah, I feel like Halloween decorations didn't used to be such a thing either. I cannot stand the, I would never, ever. Well, I guess maybe if I'm a dad someday and a kid is like, really wants to do decorations, I would probably give in.

But fake spiderwe webs are just, they give me, like, just the tiniest little bit of anxiety. Because it's dirt. It's hard to clean. And I don't like the way they feel. And they're hard to hang out. And that's the scariest thing of all. Yeah, they'll just be around forever. And then, like.

You ever carve a pumpkin? Yeah, I'll fuck a pumpkin for sure. You ever carve a pumpkin? Yeah, fuck it. I'll fuck a pumpkin for sure. You'll fuck a pumpkin? Yeah, for Halloween. I'll slice a butternut squash in half lengthwise and microwave it and fuck it. I swear I think that's how biscuits made. The hard part is making sure the seeds don't get too warm on my balls. Sorry, I asked if you carved a pumpkin.

Huh? You holding a three-year-old boy? Hey, hey. Cool it. Actually, that actually brings me to another funny email we got. We should read this before we go. This one made me laugh. Did you get this one?

The application for another goddaughter? Oh, yes, I did. Let's read that. So in the past couple of weeks, you've sort of taken on the responsibility of being one of our listeners' goddaughter, their daughter's godfather. Rhiannon.

That's right. My goddaughter. I got a video of her dancing to, I forget what song it was, but she's super cool. Okay. So we got another email from Matthew wanting to throw his hat in the ring, aka his child in the ring, doing some thinking regarding Jake's recent promotion to Godfather. And I've got to say, I'm a bit disappointed he took the first goddaughter that came his way. Whoa.

Don't you think he should have weighed his options? Okay, okay, okay. My daughter, Everly, just turned one, and we are prepared to offer not just Jake the role of godfather, but we would like Jill to be the godmother as well. Whoa. If anything were to happen to my wife and I, this arrangement allows Jake to remain with Jill instead of having to marry a random god. Mother.

We would be honored. I have attached pictures. We live in New Jersey, so you don't even have to uproot your life if you were called into the line of duty. Just think about it. She's posing with pumpkins. Yeah. She's got a sweet bow.

She's got a nice topknot. She's eating an apple cider donut. It's just very adorable. Oh, Everly, I like donuts too. We have so much in common. We could have so much fun together. I can probably have, what are the chances that like something happens to Rhiannon's mom and Everly's parents? You know, I feel like.

Yeah, it's got to be like one in a million, right? So I think I could take on both. I don't think that's a problem. And I would also love to accept on behalf of Jill, she's in. And that would mean, though, also that if something happens to this guy's wife, but not him, that would mean he gets to marry my wife. In the next two weeks, both of these parents, including you, are dead, and Jill's left with three godchildren.

It's just someone playing this podcast in court, fast forwarding through all the pedophile shit in the beginning. It's after the gourd fucking. It comes right after he talks about fucking the gourd. Yeah, he talks about stealing a passport, and it was Jill's idea, so she's sort of next of kin. So this oral agreement actually stands. I guess they went to the embassy.

Yeah, Jill would be a great godmother. We're in. We're in. All right, sweet. And this also, Rhiannon lives in Philly. So this is perfect. You could do a tri-state tweet up. Yeah. I mean, essentially we definitely could. And if we do a show in Philly or New York, I mean, I don't see why there's a reason why both of my goddaughters wouldn't be in the audience.

You think that they'll have to come to our show? I think they should come to their show. Probably. I think they'd want to support their goddad. Their goddad? You? Yeah, I'm their godfather. And if I have a comedy show,

they'll probably want to come. The one-year-olds? Yeah, I think they'd want to see. They'd want to see the show. If we do a show and the one-year-olds don't come, you don't have the right to be sad about that. I wouldn't be sad about it. I'd be pissed.

I wouldn't be like... At the parents or at the kids? I'd be mad at everybody. Yeah, I can tell. You're already kind of mad. Yeah, I'm in a bad mood today. Because of that. Yeah, because of that.

Because you suggested my goddaughter wouldn't want to go to my goddamn show jesus christ that's awesome what if it's a nadpod show uh that's that's a little too uh it's that's that's like more of like um you got to be 18 to go to those shows that show is so much more pg than one. No, no, no, no. This show is better for kids. No, it's not. I think I would know. I have two daughters, all right?

I think I would know. Four minutes ago, you were fucking a squash. You were doing that. Tell me what show is good for kids. You were doing that. You made that joke. You made that inference. You were cracking up.

You couldn't get enough. It was a good joke. Was it? Oh, by by the way we haven't talked about this in a while but do you think that joke was good enough to um to win like a award or a golden mic or anything like that uh well i think you actually you you won the tourney when you said uh when you said babies shouldn't have passports you kind of said that too no that was pretty fucked up when you said that i didn't say that because babies need past babies need protection and i know that because i'm a father two times over and that's why i get the golden mic this week because i i'm responsible for two freaking lives and you don't have to do anything except for fuck gourds all day. What?

I don't do that. I was joking about that. You were joking. That was like the sadistic part, that it really didn't seem like it was a Josh. I guess it did. No, it didn't. It definitely seemed like a Josh.

It wasn't a Josh to you. I was obviously joshing. You were obviously just like, it was almost like you were confessing't a Josh to you I was obviously joshing you were obviously just like it was almost like you were confessing and that was the fucked up part I don't think so I found it to be nasty I found it to be abhorrent

I found it to be low you were laughing no I didn't you can play it back I didn't laugh okay I'll play it back alright alright that's it.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for submitting your theme song, submitting your questions, submitting your children. Thank you for submitting your children. You can send it all to ifireashow at gmail.com, opening theme song.

Remember the Giorgio electronic synth pop? Oh, yeah. This closing one is written by Daniel, who says, I'm normally a pretty good singer, but alas, I'm sick and I sound terrible. Also, it took me like an hour and i didn't put a lot of reference in it but it's still pretty chill if you use this song uh this night will go down in history it's forever night and i ask you to mention my instagram daniel boney nyc sometimes i put covers on there and

shout out to my wonderful girlfriend sunny wow you didn't want to wait for your shot to wait till like a week until you felt better i love the confidence go for it uh come for the english words stay for the hebrew words at the at the end uh thanks to everyone for listening again apologies for being delayed indeed and uh we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Peace. I don't know what to do with myself I'm extremely concerned about my overall health. I need to bring my problems to produce. Jake and Amir, Amir

and Jake. Sometimes they have guests and it's pretty great. Sometimes they forget to answer questions, and that's okay. The show is on head gum, and one is a chipmunk. If I were you, here's what I'd do. I'd tell my dad I bought a kangaroo. It was on sale for $16.95.

Kangaroos are the only thing that make me feel alive. If I were you, here's what I'd say. Baby, I miss you every day. But now I'm in Antarctica and doing well. And I'm the protector of the night lay of hell. Don't be blue. It's them and you. Shack it, pull back the shots. Time for If I Were You.

If I Were You. That was a HeadGum Podcast.