Segments - 407: The Best Coffee

Episode Date: November 4, 2019

In this episode we discuss flat whites, bathroom locks, and why breaking up is easy to do.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for weekly bonus video episodes!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. If I see such a rare commodity I got these questions now I know

Stop believing all your fantasies. Send an email and just watch them go. You're near in shape to save the day. Cause it lasts a long way. Experience to soothe those fears. With the combined second ears. They get better the more you listen dear. So don't you fret or scare.

They'll help you through your sadness. Give you so much kindness. So open up your ears. Advice is such a rare commodity It's nice to know these dudes are new They're like a second family Yeah, they're always there for you If I was you

Do you want to hear the whole good things I said? Fine. Fucking, this is extortion. I'll give them $1,000. Yeah! I finally got what I wanted. You really did. Congrats, bub.

So that was made by the same guy who made another theme song for us. Right-o. And I demanded a Hogan family theme song. Indeed, I recall. And I don't remember why I like a hogan family theme song indeed i recall and i don't remember uh why i like the hogan family and this guy didn't even remember the show so it took him a while to make it i also i've never heard of that show before yeah it wasn't even a popular show i was actually just looking up info about the show but first about the theme song uh by amir's request had to spend

some time because who the fuck knows the Hogan family theme, of course. Of course. Given your verbal contract, I figured I should give you my Venmo, NL Thompson 2, and I threw a reminder at the end for shits and no giggles. Oh, shit. Seriously, thanks. No giggles. You can shout out my band, DearLincoln.com, also on spotify um but i did venmo him ten dollars

congrats okay yeah good i mean it wasn't the g he deserves that he definitely deserves 10 bucks at least i don't know how i got into the hogan family like i remember watching it as a kid on a channel called pax do you remember the channel pax? I don't really. I mean, it sounds familiar, but I feel like that's not because I ever watched any Pax television. Yeah. And I looked up to see what the Hogan family was even about. I remember Jason Bateman was in it. There's like three kids and Jason Bateman is like a teenager in it. Because it was like from the 80s. And then it just, the whole show, I guess in the 80s sitcoms didn't need to be about anything. So this show was about, it was first called Valerie. And it was originally starring this Valerie Harper in a titular role as a mother trying to juggle her career.

Raising three sons with an absentee airline pilot husband. So it was just about a lady raising sons because the dad was a pilot and rarely there the dad was it's such a weird thing how like just like the weird occupations they gave uh they gave parents in sitcoms it's like yeah you're a pilot okay and then this is this is the best part harper of val the show show was called Valerie starring Valerie Harper. And then it says Harper was fired the season following the second season. So the show just hired somebody else as an aunt, renamed it the Hogan family. Interessante.

So it was about a mom named Valerie starring Valerie. Valerie didn't get along with the show. So she left and they're like, fuck it, we'll continue the show and just call it the hogan family how is it a family well i don't mean how is it a family without a mom there are plenty of untraditional families out there of course don't at me don't at me please uh but why you were just canceled come on i misspoke for insinuating that no i mean like how if did they address the mom leaving did they get a new mom or was it just like okay like the show the premise of the show as you mentioned was dad doesn't uh dad's not around because he is a pilot who flies too much and then season two mom is

fired and dad is what does he leave his job as a pilot? Does he start coming around more? No, he's still gone, but they just brought in the pilot's sister, Sandy Duncan, who played the aunt and she just sort of started raising the kids. A full switcheroo. And do they mention the kids not having a mom anymore, even though they had one previously? Were they like, mom's gone? Or were they like, this has always been the way it was?

Well, this is an excellent segue into my Hogan family slash Valerie slash Valerie's family rewatching podcast. How many episodes was Hogan family? So Valerie was two seasons. It had 32 episodes. Valerie left, so they called it Valerie's family in the third season for 21 episodes.

And then they said, fuck Valerie. We'll have three more seasons as the Hogan family. That's such a long-running show on PAX. Well, PAX is where I rewatched it. That was like the channel like TBS where they just re-showed sitcoms from the 80s and like the late 90s. So that's where I would watch it. I see. But it was on CBS.

Oh, okay. Got it. 80s and like the late 90s so that's where i would watch it i see but it was on cbs oh okay got it and it's funny because like this show nobody's heard about got like 20 million viewers which would have been like the number one rated show on tv right now it would have been a regular big bang theory exactly so shout out to valerie valerie's family the hogan family and dear lincoln what did you think of the theme song do i I just like it for nostalgic purposes, or did you love it? It didn't move the needle for me, and I feel bad saying that, because I know a lot went into it. But it didn't have anything to do with Dear Lincoln, because he's shown us time and again that he's an amazing musician. But the theme song itself, without any nostalgic factor, it sort of just is like vanilla, you know?

I love vanilla. You do love vanilla. It's not an insult. You're a vanilla bean. You are a tiny little vanilla bean. What bean are you? I heard a very interesting little riddle.

The most important bean in the world. What do you think it is? I hope it's not vanilla. It's not. It's not even fucking close. Is it coffee? That's correct. You didn't even give the audience a fucking chance to guess. Everybody was like, it can't be... Soy.

It can't be a soybean, can it? You know where I got, I figured it out from is there was another kind of not riddle but a shower thought circulating the internet of um a vanilla soy latte is a three bean salad because it's vanilla bean soy bean and coffee bean oh that's cool i like that i like that three beans coming together i like that a lot i'll drink to that are you having a covfefe right now? Yeah, can you hear the ice dingling? I can hear the ice dingling. It's oat milk, so it's not even a three-bean salad. It's just a one-bean salad.

I started drinking when I was in Europe was oat milk flat whites. Whoa. They are the goat. That is my new favorite drink. I'm not usually a hot covfefe guy, but an oat milk flat white really goes a long way for me. Yeah, it's like the lattes have more milk than coffee. Like a latte is like a shot of espresso and then a fucking glass of oat milk.

Yeah. Actually, you know what? Let's table this. Let's table this for a bit because I feel like this is going to be my unsolicited advice, actually. So let's discuss flat whites, cappuccinos, lattes, and macchiatos after the break. Okay.

I can't fucking wait. Let's discuss milk alternatives because there's a lot. There's a lot of options out there. There's a lot to discuss. It's going to be a really, really meaty second half of the pod this week. Oh, everybody stopped listening. What? Everybody has stopped listening. Yeah. I guess you said- They stopped listening to, really meaty second half of the pod this week. Oh, everybody stop listening. What? Everybody has stopped listening, yeah.

I guess you said— They stopped listening to fast forward to the second half, I bet. Skip 45 seconds. You should say that you didn't know I was drinking coffee. You can only hear it because you're recording out of our new New York City office. That is right. The new new. The New York.

The HeadGum East Coast. HGBK, baby. And? It's, well, I guess we'll see how it is after we post this, but it looks nice in here. There's still a little construction to be done, but it feels good. Feels like home already. We got- Is this the first podcast ever recorded out of the new office? Yes. I recorded an ad in here yesterday, but this is the first podcast recorded out of the new office? Yes, I recorded an ad in here yesterday, but this is the first podcast recorded out of here. We got Marika is literally putting tile in the kitchen right now.

Dave Rosenberg built a IKEA wardrobe. Jeff is hanging, he mounted all of the soundproofing in here, and Micah's building desks. So it's a real family affair it's beautiful yeah this will either be like an awesome little uh chapter in our oral history about a company that became a multi-billion dollar corporation or just like yeah we were hemorrhaging so much cash we had to have our friends build shit before we finally boarded up the place yeah and jeff had to literally board it up.

It's right. It's either our humble beginnings or the beginnings of the end. Our humble beginnings of the end. But yeah, feels good. Very excited to be here. That's cool. What about the idea of having something to sign? Like I know Earwolf has like a table that people sign.

Yeah. So we have a table that people sign. Yeah. Well, I was saying that like as a leaping off point, like, okay, Earwolf has a table people sign. Right, but if Earwolf have a table that people sign look yeah i was saying that like as a leaping off boy like okay earwolf has a table people sign but if earwolf does a table we do a table i mean don't think of it it's like a tit for tit think of it as like a tit for tat right earwolf has a table what can we we'll have a fucking bench that's just that's a table a bench is a table people sit on fine there's no difference between a bench and a table.

It's the size. I'm sorry. We'll sign up a fucking low... We have a coffee counter, but a small one that goes in between. A table. A coffee table. Yeah, so we can sign that. You know, a coffee table is technically a three-bean stew.

Why? I was saying three-bean technically a three-bean stew. Why? I was saying three-bean salad or three-bean soup earlier. You said three-bean salad. Yeah, I meant three-bean soup. It felt wrong on the ears, but I was like, I didn't read the shower thoughts, so, you know, I'll just let you have this one. It felt flat white. It felt flat white indeed. You know the Beyonce song, Tell Em Boy Bye?

Yeah. And you always say, Tell Em Soy Dry. yeah yeah my iteration of tell them soy dry right so what about a play on that tell them flat white why that doesn't it's like it doesn't it's like not even like a rhyme it's not a pun off of anything well you would say flo say Floyd White. Tell him Floyd White. Ew. That makes my skin crawl. Like seriously, that really, that was grating and jarring and uncomfortable. There is an asbestos situation in the new office. It's potentially related to that. Yeah. It's entirely related to that. All right. Let's get started. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web

hosted by us in different states. I'm Amir in LA. I'm Jake in New York. Yes, LA, New York. Different cities, not different states. They're also different states. New York is a city and a state. And LA is, I guess only you were wrong in that scenario.

Only LA was wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Sent you some questions. I figured let's break in the new studio by having you read them. Right. Well, so first of all, I would like to shout out to my godkids. Yeah, we keep getting submissions. This is like turning into a freaking adoption agency

yeah um this is wait sorry let me let me just find it real let me find my new my new son real quick yeah this was a it was the subject was godfather offer oh was it really yeah which is a very funny double entendre. Okay, yeah. So here, this gentleman, we'll call him Uncle P, writes, because I'm the new father, Hello. So it seems like everyone is offering up their one-year-old daughters to be Jake's goddaughter, but that really leaves the whole family dynamic unbalanced, if you ask me.

I would imagine that's a shout out to the Hogan family. Valerie's family, specifically. What I have here is a fresh... This is Hawking this baby. What I have here is a fresh three-month-old boy. That's right. A young man that Jake can mold in his image. What does he listen to on the car ride home from daycare?

NADDPod. What nickname does he go by? Hank. Does his mother know about this offer? Absolutely not. Honestly, I can't think of a more perfect young lad for Jake to reign as deity over, and Amir can be like his chipmunk pet or some shit. I don't know.

Truly, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for both Jake and Henry, and should I die an untimely death, I'll die a happy man knowing that my pride, joy, and legacy is in good hands. All the best, Uncle P. I humbly accept the offer and I will foster your son. I will raise him as my own, sir. So, you know, Godfather is like in case of emergency. You're not actually taking this kid from this man. I am their new ward. No. And their lord.

No. Yes. I have three kids. I'm a ward of my horde. I am a ward of my horde. How insane is this? I have three children today. Yeah.

So, I basically have a freaking daycare running out of Headcumbe, New York. I got one-year-olds. I got one-year-olds. I got two-year-olds. I got a three-month-old. They're all going ham on the balcony. This kid's very cute and, might I say, might look the most like you of the three we've gotten. I could see that, actually. Like, if you showed me this child and we were estranged for 10 years, I'd be like,

oh, okay, that's you and Jill's child. Oh, oh yeah i could definitely see this being me and jill's kid and well and the interesting thing is that it is which is cool well he said that his his wife doesn't even know about this offer yeah but i mean it's still like i think it's still like kind of binding i feel like an email an email will often hold up as like a contract in the court of law. That's like written correspondence. And now this is like a verbal affirmation, an audio podcast, public record, public domain of me accepting the child. So I am a dad three times over, which is fun. It's a lot of pressure.

But I do love my little love my little, my kids. I love Hank. I love Rhiannon. And of course. I can hear you frantically typing. Of course, my favorite. Not that I would ever have favorites, but Everly. Everly.

And I love her for Everly. So shout out to my God, to my, sorry, I didn't mean to say God children. I meant to say children. Shout out to my two daughters, Rhiannon and Everly, and to my son, Hank. It's pretty cool. I miss you. God Daddy will come home soon. I just got to record this podcast. Yeah. So any whom, we got some questions. questions you guys want to know you're in sticky situations uh why don't i read you guys an email about someone who was walked in on in the bathroom amir why don't you give me a name uh bathroom mr clean very nice dear jake and amir today i was sitting on the toilet in my work bathroom, parentheses, office of about 100,

doing my business. I always lock the door, so I'm skeptical that I simply forgot there might be something wrong with the mechanism, but I need to do some more research into that theory. Fully in the middle of doing my business, post-deed but pre-wipe, phone in hands, someone started opening the door. If I had been quicker, I think I could have made some more sounds and stopped them before it got too far, but I froze up for a split second and it was too late.

The IT guy opened the door and we made eye contact in the mirror before I was able to make some noise. I think I said, whoops, sorry, my bad, as I reached to stop the door. He quickly closed it and left. I haven't seen him since. Maybe he went home out of shock. He didn't see anything too serious, but I was fully compromised with bare thighs. My question is, should I mention it to him like, look, that's on me. Sorry, you had to see that or something similar? Or do we just avoid each other for as long as possible until we can laugh it off down the line? Any advice you have would be great. Thank you, Mr. Clean. So does he have to apologize for someone walking in on him because he didn't lock the door?

I don't think you have to apologize when you're walked in on. That's on the walking-in-in-honor person. But isn't it your obligation as the person taking a shit to have locked? I think he's in the wrong. Well, I guess the first step here is finding out if the door lock works or not. Because you can't have this happening to other people at the company, right? Okay, assuming it works. So I think you should have done that even before you wrote the email you selfish prick and then following but aside that aside that aside putting your selfishness aside for one second

i think that it's sort of like a mutual my bad apology thing. But he already has apologized. You don't need like a formal apology when someone walks in on you, when you walk in on someone. It's sort of just like an embarrassed, oh my God, I'm sorry. But it happens. Let's say this guy was masturbating on the toilet. Would he then have to apologize to the guy who walked in on him? Yeah. Well, of course.

Then you're fired, I think. Because that's almost like laying a trap. That's like some kind of sick perversion. Well, let's just say he— Like you get off on that kind of shit. Yeah. He sort of gets off to the tension of not locking the door and then jerking it until somebody either walks in on him or jiggles the knob. That's a different question, man.

Here's a question for you. Here's a question for you. Here's a question for you. If you see a closed door on a bathroom, are you trying the handle or are you knocking? Ooh, good question. If it's at the office? Yeah. I think I knock because usually it's a little ajar

if nobody's in there. People in the LA office are very good about the door is a jar if no one's in and the door is closed if someone is. Are you looking to institute that same policy in the New York office or are you going to sort of change it up a bit? I mean, it's pretty easy because there's only four of us here. So like if you see the door shut to the bathroom, you can pretty easily be like, is someone in there and you look around and you can count the people and if if one person's missing you'll assume so i wouldn't even knock or try to open if it's closed and i see someone missing i don't go but your office

is 100 people i think not ours but this guy right this's. I think what you do is, I think I would knock. So I'm surprised that the guy didn't knock. But the other thing, if I don't knock, or sometimes if I knock and I don't hear anything, I still don't open the door wide. I still don't start to go in. You really have to slowly open the door, allowing enough time for, if someone's in there, for the awkwardness to be avoided yeah first of all it's weird that the office of a hundred people has a single use bathroom yeah that i mean

that too second of all this guy's door is completely closed he's just fucking straight up going for it like grabbing the handle twisting entering instantly that's a bold move. Yeah. I think knocking or testing aside, what everyone needs to do, the new culture, is open the bathroom door slowly. You can't just throw it open. You have to open it. Well, I always walk in backwards. I think you do. You walk in, shield your eyes. You walk into every bathroom with your eyes covered, just in case. I'll walk into every room. I'm going to leave the studio after we record. So I open the door to the studio, and my eyes are shielded down, and I yell, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

And you back out of the studio. The last time I was in LA, you backed out of the studio with your eyes shielded, saying, I'm sorry. Then you fell down the stairs. Yeah, and I profusely apologized to everyone. That's right. You were loaded into an ambulance covering your eyes saying, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll open every door with my ass. So the studio door is fine because it's sort of a swinging door. It can open either way.

So I just sort of push it out with my ass. That's really nice. But the bathroom door, I have to use i i'm using a handle with my ass right i mean well a knob with your ass is really the hardest yeah because the knobs are usually too close to the like the edge of the frame of the door and you have to really fully spin it like a handle you can just sort of lift up press it down with your ass or press it up with your hip yeah with a knob i have to take it in it's a nice round knob yeah and if it's like a polished knob like a really polished nickel knob yeah if it's a high polished knob you're not going to get in

with your ass for me for me to take the knob in and then twist my entire body is like nearly impossible this is the kind of conversations that we have where i'm really hoping that the soundproofing at the at the new office works. Otherwise, it's just me yelling across the open floor, a polished knob on your ass. People should be used to it by now. So would you apologize, yes or no? I have one more qualm with doors, generally. When I was in Europe,

so much of the hardware is really substantial. You have a real latch, something that twists and locks. And sometimes it even has the side on the outside too that says vacant or in use. I think it's bizarre that good quality locking handles and knobs exist and then anybody has like a flimsy little button mechanism.

You ever like take a shit at Starbucks and you go in and you press it and you like want to lock the door, but it's a tiny little button and you can't even hear it click? Yeah, a button on the knob. And you're like, you take your life in your hands when you do that. You're like, I think it's locked, but there's not even a satisfying click. Yeah, and you can't test it out because to test it out, you have to turn the knob with your ass. Right, and turning the knob unlocks it.

That's right. You need to have a door you can test, because otherwise you'll never have the confidence. Yeah, a deadbolt is great. We didn't have to improve on the deadbolt. It's perfect. I think it's a lot of metal. Fine.

I want metal. I want the handles to be metal. I want the door to be substantial. I want it to be good hardware, like quality. Give me an iron door. Yeah. All right. Anywho.

I don't think he has to apologize. Yeah. Would you apologize? No. Not like beyond say, I think I would say something in the moment. I'm sorry. And then if I saw that guy, I'd'd make eye contact i'd try to be like hey sorry about that man and smile and let them know that it's okay because that's like it's not like

it's not a big deal he didn't see anything that's an apology what do you mean when you're like sorry about that man yeah yeah i would apologize i think yeah i guess like a social i don't think it's like i guess smoothing it over seems nice. And if that is like an apology to you, I don't think I would really mean it to be like, I'm really sorry about that. You shouldn't have had to see my thigh. I would have been like, hey, sorry, that was awkward. That was weird. My bad.

And then maybe he'd be like, no, I should have knocked. And then you're like, oh, it's all good. And then you guys are friends and it's fine. Talking about sitcoms, the sitcom version of this or like the Seinfeld version is like, George gets walked in on and then he apologizes and then he gets mad at the other guy for not apologizing to him.

Yes, exactly. It's like, I'm sorry you had to walk in and you're sorry too? I'm not sorry, why am I sorry? You walked in, you didn't knock. That's the code. This is a Seinfeld. Who doesn't knock? Who doesn in. You didn't knock. That's the code. This is a side build. Who doesn't knock?

Who doesn't lock? The knock is more important than the lock. Wow. That was really good, man. Thanks, man. I've been working on that for... I actually wrote a spec script. Let's go to break.

Okay. Yeah, I was going to say we should do a table read, but we could do it during the break. Well, I don't know why... I was... Sorry. I'm sending you the PDF now. Yeah, I got it. Wait.

All right. You sent it. 54 pages. Yeah. You sent it four times. That's the fifth time. Yeah, I got it. Wait. All right. You sent it. 54 pages. Yeah. You sent it four times. That's the fifth time. You keep on sending me. The cold open is at the diner. Confirmed I have it.

Obviously. It's the gang as we know it sitting down eating a chowder. They're sort of starting to debate the differences. This is all scene direction, man. We can do this during the break. It's all scene direction. All right. Let's take a break.

We'll come back. We'll try to answer some more questions. I, for one, cannot wait to hear what you think about coffee. What? All right, we'll be back on the other side of this. Bye. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah, it's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider a new personality. Yeah. It's funny, I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Oh, hell yeah. You know I come to talk to y'all about some flat whites. Flat whites, which you can or cannot get in America. You can. I mean, now they're pretty ubiquitous in the hip, cool coffee shops that I go to around Brooklyn.

Yeah, it's like a bunch of people like you that's like, you know, in Europe, the doors are so much more sturdy. Anyway, can I get a flat white? Like, why don't we bolt it anymore? Anyway, cheers. Me walking on the back. This is all me pitching somebody taking a shit at a Starbucks. You didn't lock, I didn't knock. So I think I started liking flat whites the first time we went to Australia.

That was the first time. And it's kind of like, do you know how to describe it? It's just like an espresso drink. I guess it's like with, it's hot milk, but it's not as foamy as a cappuccino, and it's not as much milk as a latte. Got it. It says, a drink consisting of espresso with microfoam. Micro, all right, yeah.

So a flat white is a double shot of espresso with microfoamed milk, whereas a latte is a double shot of espresso with steamed milk and foam on top. And of course, a cappuccino is a third of espresso one-third steamed milk and one-third milk froth there's only two ingredients in coffee it's always just coffee and milk so like all these different drinks are just like the ratio of milk that you like to the coffee well i think it's more about the foam because like at least for um for a latte and flat white it's kind of the exact same, except the flat white doesn't have as much foam. Sure. Foam, milk, steamed milk, micro foamed. It's all just dairy plus coffee. Well, it's all just a way for the two shots of espresso to get into your ass. That's all. That's what you need.

Yeah, because coffee by itself doesn't taste very good, so you cut it with the milk or the foam or the microfoam. And anyway, I used to, I liked flat whites, but I didn't really like having, like, if I got an afternoon coffee, I didn't like to put, I didn't like to get that much dairy in my system. And ever since oat milk came around, I started getting these, well, I guess not ever since oat milk came around, I started getting these. Well, I guess not ever since oat milk came around. But anyway, I tried this oat milk flat white, and it is phenomenal. And it's everywhere because oat milk is so popular now. Do you feel like a goober ordering it?

No. I mean, not at all. Like at some of the places I go to, it's like the oat milk flat white is on the menu. I think I'd feel like a goober ordering it at Dunkin' Donuts. Right. Do you ask if they have oat milk or you just go for it? I just go for it. There was like a few times when I was in Prague that I asked if they had oat milk because I was like, I don't know what the rules are here. But I've never ever been told that they didn't have oat milk. You should go back to New Orleans where I was. A lot of places didn't have any dairy alternative. Oh, really? Yeah. That's interesting.

Although shout out to the Bearcat Cafe, which had an oat milk matcha latte that my brother got every morning. They knew what was up. See, I think if, I mean, for us, like between New York and LA and the coffee shops that we usually go to, you're pretty much always going to be able to get an oat milk flat white. It's not going to be a problem. All right. Let me ask you this. For like the last 10 years, your goat coffee was an iced coffee from Starbucks.

That's correct. You pray to the green goddess. Does Starbucks have an oat milk flat white? And how does it compare to like other she she frou frou indie coffee in williamsburg my beautiful mer queen starbucks the true goat makes a fine oat milk flat white i got one there before it does not make as good of a one as my other two to three favorite coffee shops in brooklyn what i what I started trying to do as like recently as maybe a year ago was not go to Starbucks as much as I have. I spent, I would say a decade going every single day, sometimes twice.

We would be in some really beautiful exotic locations, really wonderful places, and I would seek out a Starbucks. And that was like a really high priority for me. Yeah, like in Australia, there's like, they really take pride in their artisanal coffee, and you would like go... And that was where I tried my flat whites, but yeah, I would also try to go to a Starbucks. That's true. That's right. That's fair. So now you're at home, what would you say is the goat coffee that you've had, the goat milk? The goat coffee? I think this is the other thing.

I cut out sugar from my diet like a year ago. So I think what I really liked at Starbucks was the grande sweetened iced coffee with a little bit of cream. And I would never let a barista pour the cream. I had to do it myself because it's a real little bit of cream. And no matter how little cream you say you want, they're always going to do too much. That's not quite a splash, now is it? Holding his name tag. I really want a dribble. I didn't mean to say a splash. Just a drool of cream, please. Drool.

Look at my mouth. Look how little water is coming out of it when I do this. That's how much dairy I want. But I think what I really liked was the mixture of whatever Starbucks brew was with the simple syrup. Because I would even get like iced coffee with simple syrup other places and I didn't like it as much. But then I started getting my coffee black. And since I started drinking it black, I don't like Starbucks as much as a bunch of other places. Do you consider Starbucks a treat? Like, do you still get the sweetened iced coffee

when you're wanting to reward yourself on a Sunday or if you're hungover or something, or do you not even like it anymore? No, I still find it to be delicious. And there are times when I crave it, especially on Sundays when I'm hungover. And sometimes when I have like a long day of traveling, I'm like, you know what? I'm going to get myself a treat. But I think that's the way it should be. Instead of like- A daily thing.

Every single morning, I need my milkshake-y treat from Starbucks. Your soda. What's your daily coffee? I try to do five a week so that I'm never addicted to it, that it still helps. But I still get that, the one that you used to get, which is the sweetened iced coffee at Starbucks.

You'll get that five days a week? Yeah. Five days a week? Uh-huh. That's disgusting. Or a guy who's had 48,000 over the last decade. You are foul. Such a huge chunk of my net worth into starbucks yeah five five times a week

is less than one a day no that's great but you like you you would not have um an unsweetened coffee like even what if you got like uh an almond milk latte which is kind of naturally sweet would you still add sugar? Yes. Cool. You like sugar. So far, it hasn't affected me too much. I mean, I am close to 298 right now, but I can always lose that.

Wait, sorry, say that one more time. I'm 298 pounds, but I feel like a lot of it is just mostly water weight. It's not sugar. That's what I thought I heard. I'm heavy. Damn it. That's hard to process for heard. I'm heavy. Damn it. That's hard to process for me.

I guess we've been doing the podcast remotely for a little too long. Because I saw you like a month. We can do the Laurel and Hardy shit now. I saw you a month ago. Yeah, it's mostly in the last month. Jesus. Sometimes I skip the coffee and I go right for the sweetener. So you're butt-chugging simple syrup is what

you're doing. Yeah. I'll shove some high fructose corn syrup right up there. I'm sorry to hear that, man. Really quick unsolicited advice for me. Oh yeah. Flu shot. You getting one? Nah, fuck that. Yeah. People are very anti-flu shot. I think it gets a fake bad rap. It actually just reduces your chance of getting a flu. Right. And it's free. Yeah. I don't know why I'm not going to do it.

People think they're like either stronger than the flu shot or maybe a little afraid of needles or just don't want to do it. What I don't like is that I think I've gotten it once or at least maybe it's just baked into my psyche, but it makes you feel sick because it gives you a little tiny bit of the virus, right? Yeah. And that's like another common misconception that like make it gets, it could get you sick. I don't think it could get me sick, but like, that doesn't make you feel like queasy for the afternoon. No. Interesting. It also is like incredibly selfish because you can get the flu and then give it to like dozens of people and

you're like, nah, I'm okay. Yeah. I guess that guess that's fair is it how long is flu season last i think it's the entire winter and it's even worse in like a place like new york where it's colder and you're in constant contact with people on the subway and you think i really won't get the flu if i get a flu shot or will i just get some kind of flu i'll still get sick the chances of you getting the flu are reduced by 50 to 60 percent all right i'm i'm mildly convinced i think if i was with someone who was getting the flu are reduced by 50 to 60%. All right. I'm mildly convinced. I think if I was with someone who was getting a flu shot, I would get one too. I just can't really see myself going to a CVS.

It's just like whenever you pass a pharmacy, you can walk in there and get it for free. Yeah, I probably pass like five on my way to work. Not worth it. Interesting. It's funny that I'm not going to get it. Yeah, it's crazy, right? Yeah. I'm offering you like a get out of the sick free card and you're just not taking it we should check in when i uh have it when i'm sick i'll be like do you regret it and i'll say that i do

and i'll about to get one next winter and then we'll have this conversation again and i won't all right next question yeah um this one comes from i the subject is i don't know if i can love you oh yeah lady okay give me a lady's name a lady named um what's the starbucks mascot's name um i don't does she have one? She's just a mermaid queen. Siren, according to, it's a topless mermaid maid. She's not a maid. She's a queen. All right. We'll call this lady Ariel. All right. Cool. Ariel writes, hi, Jake and Amir. I was hoping that you could give me some solid advice since my friends seem incapable. I've been in a relationship with a guy for about four months. We met on a dating app and we kind of just went on a date on a whim. Turns out we really hit it off and from that date on, we haven't gone a single week without

seeing each other. We click so well and things have been going great. He's so kind and caring and we have a lot of fun together both inside and out of the bedroom. Well, recently, he broke up with me, and he said that the reason was that he thinks he couldn't love me, but that doesn't make any sense to me, because he treated me like he did love me. Even when we broke up, just a day before, he was flirting with me and telling me how much he couldn't wait to see me. It doesn't add up. My therapist and several of my friends think that the reason that things didn't work out is that things got too intense and intimate too fast, and the two of us got scared, Okay. Siren.

So he was being very sweet and then just broke up with her right out of the blue the therapist thinks that it's because it got too intense and they got scared right he had to end it okay my theory is when people are in a relationship if they plan on breaking up like they don't give any words of warning you just sort of continue to lie and love until you finally muster up the courage to break up it's always out of the blue right all right i guess not always right but it's it's it's rare that it's like i mean well when things are bad it's obvious but also when things are like fine people are pretty good at like putting on a pretty good face you know like yeah you can have your doubts privately like you can enjoy talking to

somebody and then you can go home and be like but i don't know yeah and it seems like this guy was just like having his doubts privately and then saying like no i still love you i still love you and then one day he's like all right finally i'm just gonna put an end to this because this is uh not working out for whatever reason yeah i think the real thing like the takeaway for me is just like your friends and your therapist might be right they might be wrong but it kind of doesn't matter like why the relationship ended the guy like it it is over so yeah he doesn't want to be in it which is definitely true unless somebody's paying him to do this the reason is a little it doesn't it just it it isn't quite as important because there's not like

there there's not a solution because it's still it's the same outcome he doesn't want to be with you yeah and you can almost use this as like a you know jump start to do more exciting things like getting back on the apps and meeting new people and hoping that it works out this time yeah it's good i think it's there's think it's never worth wondering why something ended. Just remember that it's over. And it being over is a fresh start, a new opportunity. Fuck that shit. Move on.

Bye forever. And if he's truly regretting it in a few months, maybe he'll come back to you. And if you're like, okay, maybe I would like to give you another chance if that time comes. But to say that you want to give him to try again right now is a little fraught. Yeah. I think that's the other thing about relationships. Like no matter if you want, if you're fine with it ending, or if you don't want it to end, you kind of have to just do the same thing. Because I don't think I've ever heard of a relationship that is like, I got dumped, and then I went back and begged, and now we're married.

I just had to say that I wouldn't be too intense, and he was like, fine with that, and then we fell in love even harder. Yeah. So if it's going to be over no matter what, you can either die with honor or die a coward. And I die with valor. I think dying with valor gives you a better shot further down the line, if you even want it then, when it finally comes up. What about Dying with Valerie? That's the end of the Hogan, season six.

You know what we don't get anymore that I'm going to call out for is people who are in a text Jake situation. Oh, I would love to talk texts. Send us screenshots. Yeah. Send us screenshots. Yeah, send us screenshots of like, what the hell is going on here? I'm confused about the specific text. We can read it. We can reenact.

We can sort of get to the bottom of it, understand both sides of it, be non-biased arbiters. I would love that because actually my brother's on the dating apps and I text for him all the time. Right. So if you're like in a place where you're like, what?

If anyone's like worried about like me being off my game, I'm not. I've been staying in practice. I'm in peak form. Okay. So like if you're in a situation where you don't know how to respond to someone or you don't know what somebody means about something. Yeah. Cool. Yeah.

Send that over to us. Send us some screenshots and we'll try to get to the bottom of it. Love that shit. All right. I think that's our episode. Jesus. Time flies when you're having conversations about beans. I love talking about flat whites with you, man.

Real quick, how's your fantasy basketball team doing? That's a great question. I got my ass handed to me by Nick Rad in week one. Do you like your team? I don't really like my team. Are you enjoying what's happening to the Warriors, which is their inevitable but very swift demise? I have not really been watching, but yeah.

I see the box scores and I see you tweeting about it. That's really nice. I do like that. I'm happy. And do you know Steph Curry broke his hand and he's out for three months? No, I did not. Yeah. Do you like that?

Yeah. Well, no, I don't want to be hurt. I just want Warriors fans to feel shame and sorrow. They were like, but you know what's weird? You were a fucking Warrior fan. And now you're also gloating in their sucking. No, I'm not gloating in their sucking. You're like retweeting the box scores and shit.

I'm trolling and making fun of them, but I'm not like saying this is good. You don't think it's good, but you think it's funny. Yeah, I do think it's funny. The Warriors were kind of like my surrogate team. Yeah, you took them on as a surrogate team when they were winning nonstop. And now when they're losing, you're like, this is hilarious. Well, it's because my team, which was great for so long, got really bad. And then the Warriors got really good and started beating all my opponents. And I'm like, oh, this is great.

The Warriors are beating San Antonio, Sacramento, Portland, so that the Lakers don't have to. Fuck those other teams. And now that the Lakers are good again, I'm like, okay, Warriors have done their job as the stand-in. I honestly cannot believe that you, like, you're such a fair weather fan that you're even, you're, it's, you liked the Lakers while they were good. And then when they were bad, you liked the team that was really good and now they're bad. So you like the Lakers again. No, I always liked the Lakers. The Warriors were just my second favorite team. Yeah. It's like, why did you choose them? Because they were beating all the teams I hated. It's shameless. It's so shameless. The Lakers got bad and then it's like, oh, I want another team

to beat the Clippers. Oh, the Warriors are doing that. Great. I want another team to beat the Rockets. Oh, the Warriors are doing that. This is awesome. I do have Seth Curry on my fantasy team. What do you think about that? He's oddly as good of a shooter as his brother, just in less of a volume. All right, cool. Yeah, Seth Curry is like shooting 45% from three. I have Damian Lillard. That's kind of fun. Oh, he's very good too.

You have a good team. Yeah. All right. Thanks for asking. If you have any questions or text situations, send them on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was Dear Lincoln. This closing song is an indie rock musician named Lello,

and he has a single called Rift, plus new music on the way. If you could send people to my Instagram, Lello Music UK, or my Facebook page, Lello Music Official, that would be class. So if you like what you're about to hear, check out Lello.

You want to be class, and you want to be class. So if you like what you're about to hear, check out Lello. You want to be class, and you want to be grace, and you want to be valor. You're grace personified, man. And I want to be a flat white. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody.

Later. She didn't text me back She left me in the dark like I thought she might I think she might be snail trailing up the wounds Something doesn't smell right Feeling in a sticky situation Need some help to get out of this place So I ride into a podcast

Recorded by Amir and Jake It's If I were you. It's if I were you. It's if I were you. That was a hateGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen.

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