Segments - 408: Cool Scar

Episode Date: November 11, 2019

In this episode we discuss gym crushes, flu shots, and the fastest growing cities in America.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus video Thursday episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited of money. I got money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Everybody know they give advice. Even unsolicited sometimes. Let's seize our cheese and get fucked out.

Or kill yourself in a soapbox Listen to if I were you Listen to these two dudes If you're in pieces, they're the glue They'll tell you what to fucking do Listen to if I were you Listen to these two dudes If you're in pieces, they're the glue Oh my god.

That was hype. I think that was trap music. It bumped, slapped, banged, and boomed. I'm actually intimidated by it. Me too. It's too hip for us. I'm scared to have it. We're squares.

That was a Lil Jon parody. That's right. I call him Lil Jon. Not Lil Jon? As soon as I got home, I used the song Alive by Lil Jon and came up with this. So he used the beat to Lil Jon, but he changed the lyrics, obviously. Right. That's parody for you, bud.

He can plug. Actually, we can plug his SoundCloud. He has a few things up there. Soundcloud.com slash DJ Silly String. I like that. That's a great, great DJ name. Tyler Lip is the guy who made it. So thanks, Tyler.

That's a good name, too. We're back in the same studio. Yeah. Last week, you in New York, me in LA. Oh, yeah. This time, me in LA, you in LA. Next time? Who knows? Us be in New York, could we be somewhere else? Actually, this brings me to something I found. Remember when we searched recent study just to find recent

studies that we can talk about? Yeah. I found a good one. Fastest growing and slowest growing american cities so i have the top five and bottom five okay these are large cities with the highest growth and large cities with the lowest growth got it in case we want to meet somewhere in the middle next time okay i'll throw out a city you tell me is it in the top five or bottom five okay yeah this i'll, I want to set this up like this should be easy. Okay. This is growth. There's, yes, growth. Not like, okay. Austin, Texas. Bottom five.

Top five, number one, largest city with the highest growth. Fuck, I thought it was, I thought it had peaked. Memphis, Tennessee. Bottom. Bottom, lowest, largest city with the lowest growth. Nice. Milwaukee. Ooh, you said that like it's a growing city, so I'll say yes.

Growth. Fooled you. It is the lowest growth. Damn it. 62nd of 66. You really know how to get my goat. Henderson, Nevada. Pretty much Vegas.

I guess I'll... I hate you so much. I'll guess fucking growth. That's correct. Nice. Number four fastest growing large city in America. Cleveland. That ain't growing.

That's correct. Low growth. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Grower. Nope. Shower. Lower, I should say. Grower or lower.

Albuquerque, New Mexico. Grower. lower? Albuquerque, New Mexico. Grower. Lower. That is the second to last in the largest city with the lowest growth. Seattle, Washington. Grower. Correct. Denver, Colorado. Oh, grower. Big time. Correct. And lastly, Cleveland, Ohio. You already said Cleveland, Ohio.

Okay, but lastly, did I say Albuquerque? Yep. All right. We're out. Top five are Austin, Miami, Seattle. Oh, I didn't say Seattle. Or did I say Miami? You didn't say Miami.

Okay. Miami. Grower. Correct. Austin, Miami, Seattle, Vegas, Denver. Lowest five, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Tulsa, Albuquerque, and Memphis. That does totally track. Except I would haveque, and Memphis. That does totally track.

Except I would have switched Memphis and Vegas. Like Vegas seems like it's kind of like had its moment and now it's on its way out. And Memphis seems like it's growing. Well, that's what I felt about Austin. For some reason, I thought this was like going to be one of those tricky lists where like the towns that seem bad are actually really good

because there's like, they like bottomed out. So there's more room to just grow. But I guess austin is still fucking going have you have you been to milwaukee it's one of the biggest cities we've never been to i thought we had a show i don't think we did we did a show in madison and we did a show in chicago but never milwaukee or cleveland actually i have been to milwaukee on a road trip but only for a moment. Yeah. So that could be one to figure out. And you like doing this like Zillow searching. It's like, what can I get for $38,000 in Memphis? And there's like some really nice mansions that we can buy. Really? In Milwaukee? In Milwaukee, in Memphis, in Albuquerque, all over the place.

We should. I remember there was a time when I tried to convince you to live in Austin with me for a month. Yeah. And you almost did it. So I can definitely picture us in this five-bedroom, four-bath, 3,000-square-foot German town Memphis mansion. The entire thing would cost us $50,000 to walk in there, and then we would just pay the rest off in like $1,200 installments. Yeah. I wonder, like,

this is slightly unrelated, but if instead of doing shows we should just do like meetups. Here we go. We just buy a mansion and we do a party there for the weekend. Yeah. And,

I mean, Memphis can't be that bad. I know it's the lowest growing city, but from what I hear it has good barbecue. Mm-hmm. Yeah,

I've heard that. Memphis is like a cool town. I've been there. We've been to Memphis together. No, we've been to Nashville. We've been to, oh, and we've been to Knoxville. Yeah, we've never been to Memphis. Well, I've been to Memphis. How'd you like it? Well, look at this modern chic. That's really cool. That's really modern chic.

It was, I had an okay time in Memphis. Like a cool guy that we met at a bar casually dropped the N-bomb though and it sort of ruined the trip for me. This looks like it was made to Airbnb. Yeah. That's well designed. Yeah. That should go on an inspo. Yeah, I mean look at this.

Oh yeah, that is raw reclaimed wood. That's a nice carport. That is pine. I'm going to send this to us just in case we want to go Dutch on a Dutch oven. That's right. We'll fart in this house until we have to leave it. How much is that house? $369,000. That's rough.

I mean, you buy that, then you just Airbnb this shit. That's what I'm thinking. Keep in mind, it was purchased a year ago for $45,000. So they really put a lot of work into it. They flipped it. Would you do that? Would you go in on some random property with me? Would you buy a place in Austin and then be like just a property manager together? Well, the problem is like, we need to be the people that bought it for 45 grand and sold it for 370. Well, or you can be the people that buy it for 370 and have like an Airbnb or a VRBO racket and we make like 30 grand a year. But it seems like we're buying high there.

The 370 seems like now it's on the high end because somebody put in like 100 grand worth of work. Right. But I don't know how to do this shit in Memphis. Well, so. I just want to take these photos, send them to somebody else and be like, I'll give you $100,000 to do it. I've asked you to do this with me in LA. Yeah, but in LA it's pricey.

It's too expensive. In Memphis, it seems like it's easier. I mean, this place is. So we just, all we need is a guy on the ground. We need a dude in Memphis. Well, it doesn't have to be Memphis. We could do it in any, any American city that has a low, low. Yeah, it can either be in Memphis, Albuquerque, Cleveland, Milwaukee, or Tulsa.

I feel like you could do it anywhere. Like you could buy a really cheap shitty house in Portland and you have more margins. You're playing with the big boys then. Yeah, but it seems like everything's more expensive in Portland than, say, Albuquerque. Yeah, that's true, but there's just nothing sexy about owning a property in Albuquerque. What about the name? Albuquerque. Two Qs for the price of one.

Indeed. All right, let's go back to our actual jobs, which is making a fucking podcast, I guess. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake uh we got some more of course some more godparents for you to or godchildren for you to sort through really but let's first try to answer some questions oh my god we're expanding too fast we're now a real estate slash adoption agency podcast uh so let's focus on our bread and butter actually we have a question about bread and butter well not really bread and butter more about bumble but um let's see if we can help this person out uh i have a quandary writes this lady we'll call her who's what's a city that sounds like a woman's name? Um, uh, Helena.

Oh, that's really good. That was fast. Yeah. I should say I didn't edit that out. You named, you named Helena that quickly. Right. Helena writes, I have a quandary and I believe you guys are the only ones qualified to help. I've been working in the front desk at a gym for about three years now.

And at this point I have a pretty good gauge on what, on when members find me attractive. Uh, my shifts and his workouts have not coincided until sorry I've had a huge crush on this member since I started my job. My shifts and his workouts have not coincided until a few months ago. Now I see him twice a week and I decided I would try to seize the cheese and be extra friendly and engaging with him. He is always polite and answers my questions but never makes conversations of his own. I cannot tell if he is shy or hates me. This leads me to my problem. It's 1 a.m. and in an insomniac haze, I went on Bumble, opened the app, and this MF is the first person I see.

I swipe right and we matched. However, this is a situation, I don't know if this is a situation where he swiped right to see if he would match with me or if he's actually interested. I'm also mad because it's fucking Bumble, so I have to message him within 24 hours. Is it always black and white if a person loves you? Do you think he's interested? Should I pretend this never happened? Should I say something IRL? If so, what? Is it even that deep? I don't want to make him uncomfortable when it comes to the gym, lol. Has a similar situation ever happened to you? What would you do if you were me? P.S. I'm 21 and he's 25. Thanks for reading. What does Gabriela say? Like the first word that all of our emails could just be relaxed?

She's freaking out. Yeah, you're freaking out. You know what rings true to me is the matching with someone in irl do you bring it up or not right no i think it's it feel to me it feels like if you're nervous and if you're awkward and if you feel like this is going to be weird it's way easier to like make a joke on but that's bringing it up right oh but over text not in person oh i see but you it's more awkward to me to like match with him and never say anything. And then you'll never know what the deal is. And then you see him in person and it's like, it's weird.

So you would bring it up if you saw him at the gym. Be like, hey, Bumble buddy. Oh, God, no. So you say, don't even say anything. She's saying, do I even message him? She's saying, do I message or do I bring it up IRL? Don't bring it up IRL. I mean, message. But message before you see him.

She only has 24 hours. We have to fucking release this podcast right now. Drop the pod today. What if she sees him before she messages? Do you bring it up? She only has 24 hours. Now you're freaking out like she is. I know. Well, actually, this is really worth freaking out over. You have to message on Bumble, not IRL. It's weird to do it IRL.

You can't even bring it up jokingly? No. Why? You both know it's not this. I think avoiding it is even more weird. Hey, how are you? You both know that the match happened. Yeah, but I mean, there's no escaping it being weird. Not bringing it up as weird, bringing it up as weird, it's all going to be strange, and that's why you have to message him first before you actually... Yeah, you gotta message him first. Is it always black

and white if a person likes you? Do you think he's interested? He's definitely least interested to swipe. Yeah. If he was uninterested, he would do no. I think there's no such thing as black and white like about with people like you because it's all to varying degrees like i could be oh i'm like sort of interested in this person but not if they're not interested in me i wouldn't chase them but then like if they like me then maybe that's a little sexier maybe i'm more excited you know there's just like and maybe you are interested in hooking up but not seriously You know, there's just so many different shades.

Should she mention the gym in the message to him? Or do you act dumb? No, I think you should. If it's me, I would, my first message would be like a joke about the gym. Not like, not like, hey, or whatever. Not like, don't make it seem like you are actually interested. Just make it seem like I know that you're from the gym. That's all. All right, don't make it seem like you are actually interested. Just make it seem like I know that you're from the gym.

That's all. All right, that's good. And then it's up to him to flirt back and then, because she doesn't know, you know, what his intentions are.

This gives us another reminder to say, send us your text message situations, your debates, your like sticky places in which you don't know what to respond or funny conversations

you've had on these apps and or iMessages so we can read and reenact some on the show. That's right. Do we get any? Not yet, but that episode just went up today. Oh, all right. I guess that's, yeah, that'll be why. Send them on down. Send those screen grabs. You know video screen grabs on iPhones now take audio? Before the video screen grabs didn't. Now they do.

That's cool. Yeah, just a little tip. That'll help us promote our Patreon even better. Now that's what I'm talking about. All right, this guy has a toothbrush question from Berkeley, California. So we'll call him me, Shmuel. Shmoo-moo. Long time listener, first time problem haver.

I'm a 23-year-old guy guy living with two roommates my best friends from undergrad We all graduated from Berkeley in May and are now working So here's my predicament one of my roommates is in desperate need of a new brush head for his electric toothbrush I don't want to exaggerate but his current brush situation is a disaster. I attached a picture so you know what I mean Oh, I want to see that the bristles are frayed and they're a mess I doubt even I doubt he switched it in months. And the toothbrush itself is gross. It needs to be cleaned.

I brought it up with him casually, as casually as somebody can talk about toothbrushes, and he ignored me. He said stuff like, I don't see the problem. It still works. Why are you even worried about my toothbrush, et cetera? I showed him links and pictures on the internet about why it's less effective but he called me annoying and he brushed me aside so what do I do now? Is he right? Should I just let it go? I want to convince him

that he's wrong for the sake of his teeth and health and myself so I don't need to stare at that travesty of a toothbrush every morning and night. Should I just buy him new brush heads and hope he notices the difference? Hire a dentist to come and explain? Can you two chastise him for a couple minutes so that i can play it back any help would be greatly appreciated love schmuel uh this photo the the photo is quite blurry but the toothbrush head is

so frayed it looks like it's moving like it's on. That's how frayed the bristles are. They look like they're in the middle of vibrating. That's how blurry. Jesus, it looks like a scrub brush. It probably looks like a toilet cleaner. Whereas the bristles are supposed to be perpendicular to the head, this one is just spraying out in every direction. That's foul. Yeah.

That is foul. So would you buy somebody another toothbrush head? Yeah, you could buy replacement heads. No, no. Would you buy your friend a head? Yeah. I mean, this is something you can see a Dave Rosenberg type. I'm trying to think.

I like know someone that had a toothbrush that was this disgusting. I don't want to call him out because I don't know if it's, I'm not 100% sure it was Pat Castles, but I think it was. Fuck it. So instead, what you should do is know who it was and not say it. What you're doing is the opposite. Not really knowing it's Pat, but yelling his name. He just seems like a guy that it would happen to.

Maybe it was Dave. But, like, I've seen, like, a – like, I traveled with somebody, I feel like, that, like, had just, like, a flat yellow, like, old school toothbrush with, like... Yeah, the kind they give you at, like, Best Westerns that they've had a deal with since 1988. Thick bristles, all akimbo. And then, like, the... People also have, like, varying degrees of toothpaste etiquette. Some people like to fucking squeeze to the last drop, slice it open, like, turn it inside out and, like, scoop the paste out. Oh, yeah.

They're very particular with keeping their toothbrush and paste alive. It's wild because like a toothbrush is just, it's so worth keeping it up to date because you put it in your mouth. Yeah. Like even like aside from like the cleaning that it's supposed to do, like don't just put an old ass brush in your mouth day after day. I think because- This feels like a quip ad, so it's not.

There's other options out there. I think it's like when you see somebody who's losing weight, because you see the toothbrush every day, you don't realize how bad it's gotten until you get a new one. Yeah. Like I'm fairly on top of my shit. And even I, like when I use a new toothbrush, I'm like, whoa, this like head, this new head is legit. Like I've been using a pretty softened bristle for a while.

I think that was my unsolicited advice once. It was just like, just get a new toothbrush head right now. Whether it's a little early or a little late, you'll notice it. It'll make a big difference. They come in big packs. Like, I have a big old, I have like a 12-pack, and I just throw them out every three or four months. That's good. That's what you got to do.

So would you do this to a friend? Would you replace it for him? The interesting thing to me is that he's already, like, I feel like usually we get a question that's like, should I say something? And it's like, he already did. Like he's not, it's. How should I do something? Right. This is a weird thing.

When you have roommates, this is the kind of shit that like will eat away at you. Especially if you have a great tooth oral hygiene and this guy has terrible oral hygiene. Yeah. I guess I wouldn't, I don't think I'd go so far as to buy him a toothbrush. But I would maybe, the next step is to ridicule him in front of another friend. That's good. Because if you get ganged up on. You have to shame him.

Right. Yeah. So like next time somebody comes over, be like, oh, Dennis has a fucking nasty toothbrush. Do you want to see this thing that's my home screen either that or that will just make this guy dig deeper well i mean at that point then he's just like digging his own grave yeah um i would buy i mean there's so many occasions to buy people gifts holidays it's like a great little gag gift for your roommates and don't even get it just for him be like like, I got us all these funny toothbrush things.

Right. It's a Sonicare, but it looks like a naked woman if you hold it upside down or some shit like that. That's a good gift. That's actually a really good gift. It's actually, well, it's a little. It's a good business. No, it's not.

A toothbrush that looks like a chick. I was making a joke because it's really, it's really misogynistic. Like, you remember those pens where the bikini goes away and it's topless if you hold it upside down? Imagine that, but a fucking, yeah, even better, a toothbrush. I was going to say an eraser. We're talking about toothbrushes.

I know. I have ADD about this shit where I, like, figure out, like, what could work, and then I'm already, like, five steps ahead. All right. Well, yeah, you're not really five steps ahead. What about a couch that looked like a foot? You don't. Great. Cool. Where are you going to manufacture it? yeah, you're not really five steps ahead. What about a couch that looked like a foot? You don't... Great. Cool.

Where are you going to manufacture it? Where are you going to sell it? Memphis. I already put a bid in on this fucking mansion. I guess that's actually possible. Thanks, man. Foot couch. All right.

Let's take a break. We'll come back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list.

Mom, I'm coming. That was gross. I don't, do you? Yeah, I have an update for my flu shot situation. Okay. Last week, I was just advocating getting a flu shot. I did some minimal research, but I didn't really know the facts. Okay.

Since then, I've gotten my flu shot. It was indeed free. You just have to tell them your insurance, and if you're covered, boom, free flu shot. Okay. Five minutes, easy. Didn't feel sick. All right. And then we got an email from somebody who works at the Center for Disease Control, Influenza Division.

Oh. So how's that for a smart fan? I guess they sound like an authority, but they also sound a little biased. And she wanted to back up my stance, saying that they literally just ran the numbers for the U.S.'s vaccine-averted burden for the 2018-2019 season, and those numbers aren't out yet. But this page shows the same for 2017 and 2018. Anyways, while it's true that people can feel sick after getting the shots, it's usually because they went to a doctor's office or pharmacy to get it,

where there are other sick people there. Though in some countries, people are sent home to get some rest after getting any vaccine in general. While you and I may not die or get hospitalized because of the flu, because we have a decent immune system from growing up with all the resources and good health care, there are others who don't have those things and will have many more severe complications. These high-risk groups are who we have to think about when it comes to influenza. Read up on herd immunity. I also get that it's really just not a priority for people, which is why offering the flu shot at work for your

employees is ideal. But the flu still places an immense burden on our healthcare system at whole, so that's something to think about. I also heard recently that the flu shot sometimes is like only 20 or 30% effective. Like every year it's different. Like sometimes they have a good year, sometimes they have a bad one. That's right. And you don't really know. But at the very least, it is effective in some cases.

Whether it's 20% or 50%. You're getting less flu. Cool. That's why I brought in shots for everybody. Really? Yeah, I'm doing- Are they flu shots? No, no, no.

So I'm organizing a happy hour and when we get to the bar, it's just me administering flu shots. Oh, interesting. It seems pretty easy to do, because it's not like where you have to find the vein or anything. They just sort of like bunch your shoulder and stick a needle in. They should just like send it to me, and I can like start pricking people. Does it hurt?

It hurts like as much as like getting a pinch, so, you know, not really. Yeah. Again, you're not going to get one? Probably not. But I mean, if the opportunity presents itself, I definitely will not really. Yeah. Again, you're not going to get one? Probably not. But, I mean, if the opportunity presents itself, I definitely will. That's cool. If the opportunity presents itself. So I have to convince Jill to go to a pharmacy with you and then, like, say, let's just sit down right now and get a flu shot.

Right. Actually, if you can tell Jill to make me, I'll do it because I do everything she says. What's an example of something that she told you to do that you did? Something she told me to do that I did. Yeah. In a sort of parental way. Oh, I guess when I pulled my back, she made me start going to physical therapy. And are you? Yeah, I've been going and it's helped immensely. Okay.

So this is, imagine physical therapy, but for the flu. Right. Well, so far only you told me to do it and Jill hasn't. So it really needs to be Jill. You're kind of a jackass, man. Oh, whoa. Jill's an anti-vaxxer. Yeah, that's right. She said there's no way I'm getting pricked with a government approved viral vaccine.

All right. Here's a question about scarring. So we go from flus to scars. This guy's from Canada, so we'll call him Justin Trudeau. Nice. Then there's also Justin Thurow, who's an actor.

And then there's Henry David Thurow, who's a vlogger. Who's a Viner turned TikTok celebrity. Last week, I had a blasphemous boys trip to Toronto. On Saturday night, I split my eyebrow open right to my skull and had to get three stitches. Not even mad about it, though, because it's going to leave a pretty sweet supervillain scar. Here's the problem. I might have a dope-ass scar

on my face now, but I found out pretty quickly that the origin story of the scar doesn't exactly elicit intrigue from the ladies. I woke up in the middle of the night with an octopus-induced food poisoning and desperately had to vomit. Jumping out of my hostel bed, I made

a mad dash down the hallway towards the shitter. I have pretty low blood pressure with being so nauseous, jumping out of bed and running all contributed to me Jesus. Cut to me waking up in a pool of blood in the hallway, wearing nothing but my fantastically soft micromodal MeUndies underwear. Beautiful. I managed to gather myself enough to get up and finish vomiting. I then went downstairs to the reception desk in my underwear, covered in blood and smelling like a half-digested octopus, to get a new key to get back to my room. Worst part is, I don't even know what I hit. Was it a doorframe, a wall, the floor?

Did someone just beat the shit out of me while I was unconscious? Anyway, doesn't exactly paint me in the best light. Can you guys come up with a cool story for me That will make girls want to fuck me? Much love, Justin I mean, that's a pretty solid story Food poisoning and then you pass out? Passing out, well I guess passing out on the I mean, it's definitely funny

That happened at Pat Castle's, didn't it? It would He's the kind of guy who faints and hits shit I'm the one that got food poisoning when we were in Mexico It would. He's the kind of guy who faints and hits shit. I'm the one that got food poisoning when we were in Mexico. Yeah, but that was a real pat move. Two months later, I got it in Paris. Actually, speaking of scars, I think Jeff Rubin did have to get stitches by hitting something in a dark hotel room.

Do you remember that? Oh, vaguely, I do. Like he woke up in the middle of the night to pee and like split his part of his forehead open. Like we're just throwing vague stories of old friends. I also, I have a scar right there. How did you get yours? You know how I got this scar? I got hit in the head with a croquet mallet. Is that any better or worse than food poisoning?

I think it's, I guess it's like, I don't know. I think it's a little better. But it's also like, it happened when i was like 10 or something so it's it's one of it's not like a new scar yeah but it's scars are souvenirs you never lose is a goo goo dolls lyric okay but he wants to know the best story the best way to spin it okay um I guess like the coolest thing you can say is you like look off into the middle distance and say, I don't want to talk about it. That's cool. Yeah. What about ultimate Frisbee accident? Championship. Sorry, what'd you say? The championship was an accident? The frisbee hit my nose.

But your eye's bleeding. Then I fucking fainted from an octopus. Slurping up an octopus tentacle. This is a hentai porn. Sports injury is pretty cool. That's a cool way to hurt yourself. Yeah, sports injury is good. But it has to be like...

I mean, ultimate frisbee sounds like you got hit in the head with a frisbee. It has to be like winning the championship. It's got to be like. Game tying, game winning. Right. I feel like any time you have like a scar on your face and you say you got it like playing a kind of like non-contact sport it sounds like you got hit in the face yeah unless you're a professional athlete getting injured while playing a fun thing is kind of silly like your croquet story right well we weren't playing

croquet croquet by a fucking British queen. Oh, come here. Mallet in hand. Actually, didn't you get beat up at, what's that Alice in Wonderland play in New York where you walk around? Oh, Sleep No More? You were accosted at a Sleep No More. I went out on a Tuesday. I came out on a Friday. Somebody hit you with their mask at a sex party.

You had to leave. A lot of options there. I do like getting somebody walked into me with their mask at a sleep no more. Because they have like those long noses. Yeah. Now I sleep no more. I got it making out with a stranger at sleep no more. Yeah.

Kissing accident. Yeah, kissing accident. Yeah, make out injury is kind of cool. That's how hard you're Frenching. I Frenched so hard my head is bleeding. I had a French kiss injury. You have six, no, sorry, three godchildren as of now. Two ladies and a boy. Yeah.

Everly, Rhiannon, and Hank. That's right. This guy wants to up it. 200%. Okay. Ben Hill writes, I'm going to cut straight to the chase. I agree with the parents of your second goddaughter. You should be weighing your options. I have, for your consideration, six babies ranging in the ages of four months to eight years old. Are they all his? Yes. Two of them are goddaughters. Technically, they already have family members as godparents,

but I'll fire them all immediately if you'd like to add them to your brood. Really, it's perfect for you. I have two girls and four boys. This would bring your total up to an even eight, four of each. Frankly, if all of us biological parents kick it, then you could start your very own ding dang dwarfenage raise them all to be the pride of the mountain and pictures below uh there's these are some fucking cute kids he has six children this guy looks like he's our age

he looks younger than you man what the fuck how is he raising six kids that's fucking wild doesn't that seem like that's a more than a full-time job yeah i'm you're you're talking to uh you're talking to uh one of six right here yeah how did your parents do it i have no fucking idea i have no fucking idea i feel like my life is chocked full to the brim i have like a few hours off every day maybe Maybe. At most. Yeah. Six kids! Honestly,

I said the same exact thing to Jill the other day. It was like, I had such a long day and she had had such a long day. I was like, man, imagine if there was a,

like, we wouldn't be able to do any of the shit we did today. It seems like you should have a job, retire, then start a family. Right. Otherwise,

there's no room for it. Yeah, you should be able to make money from when you're 15 to 30. Which that's probably how it was like in the Middle Ages, which is why people had kids. Or like farmers where it's like, okay, I'm 18 and I need more kids to work for me when I die at age 40. Totally the same way that like dogs were protectors. They would like protect your livestock and your house. Yeah, you're afraid of even getting a dog. Right now I'm afraid.

I am afraid of getting a dog. Too busy for a cactus. No, I can handle a succulent. As long as I don't have to water it every other month. Did he say these kids' names? Yes, he did. We're talking about Link, Watson, Michael, Bella, Benjamin III, and Mariah. That's right.

So these are great fucking names. Yeah, holy mackerel. Michael, Watson, and Link. Link's such a cool name. Link is actually short for Lenry, like Henry and Hank, I think. Really? Yeah. Oh, yeah, Link and Hank. I bet the hardest part of having six kids is, and my friend has four daughters,

so I ask him sometime, I'm like, how do you know they've all eaten? Like, how do you keep track on who's eaten? He says, we eat every meal together. That's nice. Yeah, that makes sense. I think definitely. That seems to be the key,

like making sure your kids are fed. Yeah. You want to keep them alive. But also fighting. Like my family, we would like fight sometimes, you know? Yeah. At that point you just give up. Like they can fight.

Just let them fight. But if I'm like literally getting punched by my sister, like somebody has to fucking intervene. So you're talking to your dad. You let fucking Sarah suplex me. About number, dad. You got to do something, man. You have to discipline. Liza needs to be grounded. I imagine it's like

spinning plates where you're like, okay, I'm dealing with this plate and then two fell off the ground. You're like, okay, let me stop this fight. While I do that, two people are sneaking out. For a while, I think that's like why my parents never like made me eat anything. There just like wasn't time to like discuss it. You can just eat bread, I guess.

So that's why i just like i liked plain pasta growing up yeah like and now people are so worried about like health shit i'm like when i grew up i just had mcdonald's sometimes like if i imagine if i have six kids i'm throwing fast food at them just like eat whatever the fuck you want i can't be like now in charge of like creating a nutritionally beneficial diet for six kids. Oh, yeah. No. We used to have nights that my mom called it combos. And it was just she would take out all of the cereal in the cupboard and we could just make like mishmash bowls of cereal. Yeah.

And that was dinner. That makes sense now. And that's not because we were poor. That was just because like everyone is too fucking busy to cook for this many people. And then you have like different dietary restrictions where I'm like, I don't want onions in my meatballs, mom. Yes. Fucking, that's the least of my concerns. I guess that's, you would think that my parents would

be like, you're going to eat whatever we give you, but they instead, they were just like, fine, we're giving you frozen food. If you like chicken nuggets and frozen french fries, then we'll make that every night because it's easy. Yeah, I'm really. It seems like the goal is to just keep them alive

until they're old enough to deal with their own nutritional problems. Anyway, I will accept Michael, Watson, Link, Bella, Benjamin III, and Mariah. All six. I'll take all six because I do love the idea of around eight. Did he say where these guys are from?

Well, you already have three and these are six. So you'll have around nine. Unless you want to kick one of them off. Wait, I already have... You already have three. Oh, I have three. Yeah, these are six.

Oh, so I will have nine. Yeah. Got it. I'm not... No, I love all these. They're like my own children. I will never kick any of them off. Okay, that's...

I adore these kids. I want to meet all my godchildren so badly. Okay, nine. Nine is fine. One more question for you? Yeah, but I just really, I'm exhausted because I'm a father of nine, and it's a lot. You're not really. It's just a lot.

It's a lot to deal with. But let's do one more question. It's just you don't have the burden that I have. Burden? You literally just adopt. It's a labor of love. It's a labor of love, to be sure. I don't have the burden that I have. Burden? You literally just adopt it. It's a labor of love. It's a labor of love, to be sure. I don't want to call it a burden.

Those words were out of context. It's not burdensome. It's not burdensome. It's a necessary evil. It's even worse. Okay, hold on. I'm obviously being mischaracterized here. How do you make sure six kids go to sleep and wake up?

Like, you got to get them all to school too. Yeah. Forget about it. It's really like, I've been thinking about like how difficult I was as a kid. Like, I behaved like I was an only child. Just like routinely missing the bus. I was like, all right, well, someone has to drive me to school now. Five other kids eating cereal

at the dinner table. In my family, we definitely had help. We had like two, at least three of my grandparents were always around. Oh yeah, you need more adults. They can't outnumber you six to two. No. That's not a survivable ratio. Okay, this lady's

name is, she's a 23-year-old living in D.C. Okay. We'll call her Columbia. I matched with a guy on Tinder, and late tonight he asked what I was up to. I've been in a bit of a dry spell, so I invited him to come over. Cut to three hours later, he finally shows up because, quote, he was watching the fight. You know, UFC.

We start hooking up, and really quickly he asked me to go down on him sure i gave him head for 15 minutes and then he goes to insert his penis and i was like oh shit we need to use a condom uh and we went to grab one and he looked less than pleased he told me that he had gotten soft again so i had to give him head again also at this point i had gotten nothing from him so i asked if he would go down on me Because I wasn't quite ready yet He told me that he quote has a weird thing about going down on girls And that he wouldn't do it We tried to have sex for two minutes

Which was super painful for me And then he told me that he hates having sex with condoms And that he probably just had to leave We chatted for a few minutes and he left my apartment So here's my question He seemed really apologetic about what happened i told me he wanted to see me again i told him he should text me but i'm not sure if this was really a fluke night or if this dude is an asshole he has my number but if he texts me again do you think i should give

him a second chance i really would like to break this dry spell thanks uh of course not he didn't a fluke is like if a bunch of stuff goes right and then there was one weird thing yeah like if he nutted too early as a fluke this guy showed up late wanted oral sex refused to give it to you gave you two minutes of painful sex couldn't get it up and then left right and tried to pressure you to having sex without a condom. Like... The power of the dry spell is like, this lady's like,

should I give him a second chance? He'd have to do every single thing in reverse for it to work out in your favor. Yeah, no.

He... This is disqualifying behavior. Fortunately, you're a lady, so I think a lady in a dry spell has it easier than guys in a dry spell? I think so, too.

I mean, it's all subjective and it's all hard, you know, but I think just at least you can eliminate this guy. Your dry spell is not going to last forever, but don't break it with this piece of shit. Yeah, you don't want to give him that satisfaction and reward his behavior. He did everything bad. Right, he did everything bad. Right. He did everything bad. So like at the very least, you can pat yourself on the back because like maybe going forward, he'll be like, I guess I shouldn't behave this way. But if I'm being honest, I'm sure he'll be like, that lady's a bitch. It's almost like the flu where it's like you're not only helping yourself, but you're sort of informing his behavior going forward.

You're helping the herd of immunity. Yeah. But the thing, like, I'm sure that he's too obstinate to change, but it doesn't matter. He should not be in your life. This is the type of shit that goes down in D.C. This is why I don't love D.C. It's a bunch of fucking politicians looking to get their rocks off. You can tell who's in office because this is the kind of aid. This is the kind of lobbyist. This is the kind of piece of shit

that's in DC right now. And you could do better Columbia and you should do better. And let us know if your dry spell is still happening literally two days later, because I feel like if you're active on Tinder and you can find somebody much better than this guy. I absolutely think so too. Who will go down on you. And if not, Jake has like, I think nine godchildren he can start flinging towards you, right? Isn't that the point of that? They're children.

What are you talking about? Oh, I'm sure some of them will be 18 soon enough. No. All this fucking link. He's three. Okay. He's three months old, you piece of shit. I'd love to borrow one of your fucking, what's it called?

Dwarfs. The dwarfenage thing. You're absolutely overstepping. And as their protector, as their lord and savior, I'm going to have to end your life now. Let me borrow Watson for a week and see what he thinks of you. I feel like I can poison his brain. Honestly, Watson could beat the shit out of you, so I would let you try. Oh, yeah.

Watson's the two-year-old. He looks kind of jacked. Watson's strong as hell. He's a maniac. He's a fucking soccer player, future UFC fighter himself. All right. Thanks for listening. Thanks for writing in.

Again, if you have any more questions, theme songs, and text conversations you want us to dissect, send them all down to if i were you show at gmail.com if you want to go dutch on this memphis mansion for uh an airbnb income property let us know that as well uh opening theme song was written oh is that a lil john parody uh written by tyler lip this closing one is a Scooby-Doo inspired by Lara Moises. Lara Moises, a theme song from a day one listener. If you have any pop punk parody requests, let me know.

And this is one called Scooby-Doot. So shout out my Instagram, XXPopPunkIsNotDeadXX. I have links to my bands in my bio. You're goddamn right she does. So thanks, Lara. Thanks, Tyler. Thanks to you guys for listening.

And we'll be back, of course, next week. And if you want more If I Were You, we do bonus video episodes on our Patreon. That's right. Patreon.com slash J-A. That's every week. Ja. Every other week there's an If I Were You,

and then every other week there's a Jake and Amir Watch, Jake and Amir video. Over a year now. How the fuck do we do it? So we got 50 videos there for you to enjoy. Check them out, and we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Peace. Peace.

Peace. That was a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and

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