Segments - 409: Secret Santa (w/Thomas Middleditch!)

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Comedian, friend, and lover Thomas Middleditch is in the studio to discuss moving to Australia, the Super Flu, and the greatest gift of all: Sand.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live light. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If you like dying in a Starbucks or getting jerked on a train. If you're not good with the ladies. If your friends are insane. You've got to listen to these two coy Jews. They can ease all your pain. If you're in need of a roasting Write to Amir and Jake

What? You're just playing that to the laptop speakers? You're not gonna plug that thing in? No, I'll add that in to the final project once I'm editing the episode. In Cool Edit Pro? Yeah, in post. Once you're into Cool Edit Pro? final project once I'm editing the episode. In Cool Edit Pro? Yeah. Once you're into Cool Edit Pro?

Yeah. Once I'm in Premiere, then I start assembling shit. I'll put the song in. I'll adjust the levels. Oh, okay. Tell us more about your process. Yeah, and then HeadGum Intro Stinger, HeadGum Outro Stinger. Right, right.

Break in the middle, add insertion dynamically. Dynamic. So I don't have to do that. And then you log on to Art19, your email address is... Well So I don't have to do that. And then you log on to Art19, your email address. Well, you don't have to do the actual email address. Or the password. Yeah, you don't have to do the password. Thomas Middleditch in the house. Hey, ho.

Welcome back. Welcome back. Thanks, man. Recording in New York City. Our HeadGum East offices. Thanks for breaking in our HGBK offices. First guest. First guest in the head gum office that's right yeah and people honestly they knew that this was going to happen they've been clamoring for it on the forums online.com they wanted you for episode 400 but that we sped past that

and now we're like at 409 the classic middle ditch 409 bump this is when the podcast need tommy it's episode 409 it's like things are getting a little stale after the 400 rebrand yeah we're nine episodes things got stale at like episode what 25 do you guys have a total new uh total new format like we're not even doing questions anymore we do unsolicited advice now Have you been on during an unsolicited advice? No. Wow. Wait till after the break. It's going to be insane.

You're going to love it. You're going to love it. And is it medical advice? Yes. It has to be. It has to come from you. Oh, God. I got to figure out what ails me.

Actually, my last bit of unsolicited was medical. It was flu shot. Do you get flu shots? Do you believe in that kind of stuff? Sure. It's not like I don't believe in it. I just haven have no i don't know you never that's the problem people just don't actually actively go out and get one yeah are you you're super are you super pro super pro i actively go to a pharmacy get one wait in line but isn't it but are we hmm as a not as not a baby or not an elder you're not really at risk of them getting sick.

Yeah, the risk is getting the flu. Oh, okay. Well, who cares? You're fine with that, yeah. Yeah, who cares? A couple weeks. Isn't it like, aren't by doing all these vaccines, aren't we kind of creating a super flu?

All right, let's get to the show. Thank you. I was just like inherently skeptical and I didn't really know how to articulate it, but it's super flu. It's a super flu, yeah. so the vaccinations are creating a superflu to spare yourself uh you know one or two weeks to not feeling nasty you're creating you know essentially the future that'll wipe out the population which is what we need so actually i'm pro for that we need to get rid of about four

bills so you know about the superflu but you you're pro it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just, I'm a conscientious objector. You want the superflu. You want a culling. I want a culling. A culling up the herd. We need a big predator to come and gobble us all up. Doesn't it feel like every single movie in the world

where like the villain is like, the Earth's population is too big and we need to cut it in half. And then the heroes like stop them. Right. Yeah. But like maybe they're right. no they're always right that was right but when what about if the villain wasn't a person or a beast but actually a disease that was killing us from within not externally that was the happening really yeah wait the happening m night shalemons yeah what about the bees guys the bees the bees. The bees. The bees and the trees. The bees and the trees.

Attacked me. They poisoned the human mind to make everyone start killing themselves. I tell you, they make me weak in the knees. It was just an invisible disease. This is M. Night in the room. Third night of no sleep. She got my mom along. Yeah, outbreak was also this. It was just like sure yeah yeah look yeah what do we want to do guys do we want to live forever do you

want to live for a little bit probably not forever right well it depends am i as a like hot am i like do i feel good i don't want to be old for a long time no no no no no no no collectively as a as a as a species oh you want humans do we want do we want to live for a long long long time not forever nothing's forever or do we want to like you know call it so like you want the human race to die with you i'm asking you right well no it's if you want to call it fairly quickly or do you want to go on for a bit i mean we've definitely had our heyday we've been around for a long time yeah like the 70s 80s and 90s were awesome okay ever since then things have been going downhill and we can either follow this course till the bitter end it does also feel like we peaked like

scientifically you know like the idea of like moon bases and mars like we went to space but we're not ever gonna live there like we're that we're not well here soft pitch we need more time right that's what you're saying we need more time to do anything so soft pitch what if i told you i have blueprints create a creature okay that will be a creature that will be okay listen to me genetic blueprints so create a creature that will be our natural predator. It'll breed like bananas. Whoa. You know how bananas breed, right?

You're talking about somebody above us in the future. Something to hunt us. Something to hunt us. We need to be hunted. You know, we got to take this 8B down to about 4B. 2.2. Right. Which is what you want.

You just, you went down to 4 billion and then you added another 1.8 billion. I'll give you, but I'll give you the 1.88 billion. I'll give you the $1.8 kush. I'll give you the $4 billion just to be nice. You want ideally is $2.2 billion down from the current $8 billion, but you'll give us $4 billion? No, no. I want $2.2 billion total, but I'll give you $4 billion total. Just we need to remove $4 billion.

Once we remove? Right. Once half of the population, once half of it's gone, how do we remove... Remove? Right. Once half of the earth's population... You call the herd. Once half of it's gone... That's a lot. How do we stop? That's fine.

I'm getting... I can get there. That could be you. That could be half the people you know. No chance, because I have the fucking blueprints. Tommy's going to show them to me. Okay. Well, I need funding.

How do we make sure it doesn't go from 8B to 4B and then just kill everybody? Like, if it's breeding like bananas... That's a great question. Thank you. Okay. Every predator has a predator. So we, there's another. What if I told you

if I have another set of genetic blueprints? Just tell me right now, how many do you have? Because you don't have to slowly roll it out. You had the one, now you have two. Do you have two total? Oh, you want a number? You want a number to my food chain?

Yeah. Okay. It's not that many. It's pretty chill. How many? You really want the number? I want to know how many people are going to kill the predators or the predators. Okay.

Well, I'm still developing, obviously. Sure. Obviously. I'll tell you this. It's above 672. There's a lot. There's 672 and it's more than that? That's so many.

Yeah, man. That's so many to kill people. Well, it's not all killing people because they start killing the predators. You know that nursery rhyme, the little lady swallowed a fly? I don't know why she swallowed a fly. Perhaps she'll die. But then there's other shit in there too.

Yeah, yeah. Went out with a spider, went out with cider, went out with cider. Now she's a fly or whatever the fuck. You want to go 672 layers deep up from humans I ask you again how long do you want to be around and you want to call it pretty quick because we're calling it pretty quick

without this bat dragon I don't need the bat the dragon you can either accept the great culling or beat then you're the cult then you are the cult okay then you are the cult also now this is the best fairly random but well it's all tying into a script i wrote obviously this is mainly tied to a hollywood script yeah it's called the cullening okay and

it's about um it's about a really smart genius man who invents a lot of genetic blueprints would that be played by you it's a middle-dutch type right to uh call the human race and then some evil villains in suits with some superpowers trying to stop one like shitty little nebbish naysayer or something even too yeah yeah but he's got an alter ego but he's just a little dick licker like a dick like a blue belt who would it be that i mean yeah can you audition would you audition i'd be interested in playing the lead okay yeah yeah yeah yeah you would be the lead tommy yeah you're second yeah but if you what do you need like what do you need a guy to be like i don't think that's such a good idea i don't i wouldn't even have to break that character i already don't like yeah no it's

just great i mean just do that. Yeah. And then, 672, what are you fucking kidding me with that? God. Yeah, there's a great scene where he learns the number, but he's drinking water at the same time. And is it like bubbly water? Yeah, yeah.

It burns his nose when he burps a little. It's like a La Croix. It would be a spit take with a Popple Moose La Croix. Does it kind of like burp? Yeah, yeah, because it goes up at his nose. And the line is, 672, are you kidding me? Okay, don't give me a line read, but what do you think about this? Okay.

All right, tell me the number. Okay, well, sir, it's about 672. 672, are you kidding me? Yeah, great, no spit though. I want to see the liquid. I think you need to dribble a little bit. Because in the script, I just dribble it. On the day, I'll dribble the liquid.

I don't want to ruin the laptop. I don't want to ruin my laptop for the audition. I'll do it on the day. I don't have to do it now. Okay. I guess some people are more dedicated. I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'll do it. Okay. All right. Give me the prompt. Well, at this point 672 this is fucking absurd i don't like improv i already get my scripts actually you went off book are you kidding me yeah you said this is absurd and also i can improvise you can't i you did like you did spill you drooled a decent amount, but it needs to be like,

yeah, I should really spray it. It's okay. You can do it on the day, as they say. Yeah, I'll do it on the day. On the day.

Anyway, thank you so much for considering us. No problem. No problem. This is, after all, an advice podcast, technically,

for the people who are still alive and or listening. Right. People who will email us in sticky situations, need our advice need our guidance sometimes just me and jake sometimes tommy joins us today we have thomas middleditch once again live at hg uh lightning bolt bk yes oh you have to go is that a website

yeah hg lightning bolt bk how do you type that in you got emojis as a url yeah no how do you get a how do you get this live are you high lightning bolt bk how do you get this live man is that how you go live you go into hg lightning bolt look i just don't understand how you type that in that's in spotify so it's fine it's an app oh? Oh, it's a Spotify. H-G Lightning Bolt BK. You sound like my uncle during Thanksgiving. I'm trying to explain to him once again how podcasting works. And it's live? No, it's not live.

Oh. We're live now. They're listening in on a tape delay. Well, don't say live. Oh, it's a tape delay, like the Oscars? No, not like the Oscars. So you can't say too many wacky stuff, otherwise you'll getored oh really you can say fuck you can say shit it doesn't matter amir no aunt mirror my aunt auntie mir uh this is a 25 year old lady living in nyc oh bless her

can we give her a fake name? Tiffany Haddish writes. Who? Famed New Yorker, Tiffany Haddish writes. I'm a 25-year-old lady living in NYC, and I'm seeking the advice from a man and a chipmunk. Hey-o. I made out. Is one of you guys supposed to be the chipmunk?

Jake is supposed to be the chipmunk. I made out with a coworker. It's clear which one it is. I made out with a coworker, she writes. I met at a work social a month ago he works in a different office so i wasn't worried when we started going on dates and talking non-stop it was clear from the get-go that i wasn't into a casual hookup he wanted to meet yeah he wanted me to meet his friends and invited me to things that were weeks

away which made it seem like he was on the same page this dude even convinced me to things that were weeks away, which made it seem like he was on the same page. This dude even convinced me to go rock climbing with him, which is very out of character for me. After a few fun dates, I went to Miami for a vacation that I had planned. Before I left, he said that we need to hang out once I'm home and joked that I should bring him back some sand. While I was away, he left my last texts unanswered. Still not thinking much of it, my dumb ass actually bottled up some sand, thinking it would be cute to give to him. When I got back to NY, I texted him again, but got no response. A day later, I apologized for going, sorry, he apologized for going MIA on me,

but then returned to radio silence. Knowing he was suddenly pulling away, I asked him what was going on. He admitted that he got scared, but he'd still love to hang out. After a pint of ice cream and a couple baths later, I'm still feeling bitter and I want to seek revenge. I probably won't see him in an office setting again. However, we do have a holiday party coming up, so my question is, do I confront him and pour the sand on him, or do i take the high road obviously i need to keep my actual job in mind please help what do i do to show him that he can't get away with leading

me on thanks love tiffany haddish good okay the question is how can i fuck this guy up right so it's not even like should i want revenge i don't think she should want it she wants to know first of all question is how do i exact my revenge not like do i deserve if the ceo of mcdonald's has taught us anything there is no such thing as a consensual workplace environment she should be fired what she should be let go dating a co-worker that's what the twitter wants and that's what twitter gets you're out out of here, sweetheart. You're gone. Now your question is irrelevant. She wants to know if she should dump sand on this fuckboy. Yeah, at work. Come on, baby.

Relax. What you could do is put it in. I'm just worried about how to do it. Because I feel like you want it to be thrown in his face like a martini or something or like a glass of champagne. Yeah, but if it's but it might just it might just like kind of like no if you have no well no no check it out though if you empty and consequently dry right a champagne flute of okay of champagne you you get

it it's at the party you go okay great grab this and you fucking dump it out and wipe it wipe it then you put like wet yes so then you put the sand in i think a cool move would be to drink it bottoms up drink it grab a cocktail napkin wipe it you'll have to wipe her down yeah and then you put your sand in there and you go hey do you want to drink uh hey how's it going i haven't seen you in a while yeah i'd like i'd like to see you too what the fuck are you drinking uh it's actually it's actually for you here holy shit mike come over here look at this girl she's drinking fucking sand no i'm not i got this for you i got wonder i broke up with you you didn't break up with me you're fucking insane what are you drinking

and i chuck it on you landed on my shoe which is fine well buddy you obviously didn't wipe out that champagne fluid enough it's like a coarse quicksand on my nice new shoes, you freak. I just think there's a world where he didn't necessarily know he was leading her on. So there's not really a reason to be. Like he said, I think he's being a little cowardly, but he still did say, I got scared. I got cold feet. People are allowed to change their mind.

I don't think he needs to be sanded. Don't sand him. Boys and allowed to change their mind. I don't think he needs to be sanded. Don't sand him. Boys and girls always change their mind. Girls change their mind too. It's okay. Don't take it personally. It just wasn't clicking. What if whatever the bits were

that you were excited about he just wasn't excited about? It's not you. It's not him. It's just a combo of the two. Have you ever done that? It's like the getting a gift a little bit too early and then it disintegrates and then you're like, I still have the gift. You mean, have I ever jumped the gun on my emotions?

Yeah. I'm Mr. Full Tilt. Oh, so you go way in, way fast. I'm like, hi, hi, hi. Just been thinking about you. Oh my God. Please respond. Well, this is also, I I mean that happens to me too like I I think I've done stuff that this guy has done because I get more joy and

excitement out of the courtship phase and other people are more apprehensive during the courtship phase phase and get more joy out of a long-term commitment sure so like that's usually an incompatible relationship where I'm like I want want to go on dates, dates, dates, dates, dates. And then I'm like, oh, okay, all right, we're done with the dates part. I don't want to do anything else anymore. And if he's 25, if he's also 25. Yeah, because she is 25.

She's 25. Well, I don't know. The best way to sand him is to fuck his friend at work. That's probably the best way to sand. Yeah. And the guy's name is Sandy. Yeah, if you can fuck Sandy, you don't have to do anything with the sand except i'll give it to the friend after you fuck the

friend oh that's like hey mike's gonna ask you for this right tell him sandy sent you and she's dressed like sandy from greece right the best way to sand them is a you're fucking fired but b the best way to stop firing her you don't know the workplace policy i'm just tired of this shit but the best way to sand them is to just fucking look banger that night go to the work party look awesome be confident hang out with your with your friends and if he's like hey what's going on you want to hang out just be like no i don't but nice to see you man and you don't have to be rude anytime you show that you're butthurt by it they win would it be cool to do like as part of like i'm just piggybacking on your idea which i really like but like as part of your your like

outfit you do like a really sexy like vial of sand no because it's like a super low cut then that shows you're thinking about them that you're obsessing over them oh this yeah no i guess i guess i don't know it's something i guess yeah you did ask me to do that but it had nowhere else to go so it's around my neck anyway i'm cool and totally over it and then you fall down stairs the glass vial stabs you in the chest. Yeah, don't be, don't turn into like a Kate Hudson scene from a rom-com. So this is more like a living well is the best revenge. I think so.

That always sends me into a tiz. When I've been like, back when I was dating, when I was, if I was an inconsiderate person or whatever, or it just didn't work out, or whatever, I would just, if I saw the lady acting all awesome, I'd be like,

oh man, I'm an idiot. And for me, if they fucked my friend, that would be like. that's how they get me back. That happened all the time. Really?

Yeah. I guess because this guy got scared that you were moving too fast. Maybe you're like, hey, I'm getting you the sand and then he's like

starting to freak out. So the best way to get him. He asked for the sand. Don't blame it, hey, I'm getting you the sand. Then he's like starting to freak out. So the best way to get him- He asked for the sand. Don't blame it on the sand. He asked for the sand. Sometimes it's exciting to get excited about the sand. He probably didn't even like you.

He just really wanted the sand. He's probably obsessed with sand. Relax, relax. Give him the sand. It's over. Quit being dramatic. Give the guy his sand. You're the sand. It's over. Quit being dramatic. Give the guy his sand. You're the one holding out on his fucking gift.

Chill out. You're being weird. You're being weird. Give him the sand. Give him the sand. Give him the sand. The fuck is wrong with you, Tiffany? Give him the sand.

You brought the sand. You have it. You have the, Tiffany? Give him the sand. You brought the sand. You have it. You have the sand. He asked for the sand. You're the one who's holding out on the bargain. Give me the sand. Give me the sand, Tiffany. Give me the sand now, Tiffany.

Give me the sand or this whole place blows. Don't do anything crazy, Tim. I'm begging you. I'm going to pour it out. I'm going to pour out the sand. No! I've never even seen the beach. I never go to Miami.

I've never even seen the water. Man. And then the curse is finally broken. Because there is no way to give the sand back and be cool. You do not get the power back and act and be cool you do not get the power back by going like oh uh by the way nothing i fucking care here's the table what is that uh you know yeah you wouldn't remember at all dude would not remember i asked for what you fucking maniac and at the work party. You're going crazy.

All right. Multiple options there for her to choose from. Really only one. We presented a menu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Depends. Yeah. All right.

Let's take a break. Thanks to more sponsors. Come back. Answer some more questions after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create,

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Yeah, you do. God, I haven't even seen the beach. You did it all for sand, not sand. And we're back. Thomas, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

What? What? Did that the only say, Mom, I'm coming'm coming amir says that it's a goof i wasn't actually jizzing at the moment what the hell wait do you still love your parents yes but i'm not jerking off every time you don't wait you don't jerk off i do but not in front of my mom every time in front of your mom or behind anywhere. In front of your mom. Or behind anywhere. I'm not next to my mommy when I do it. Okay. Anyway.

Why are we fucking dissecting this? You call to her from your bedroom. Yes. She likes to know. Okay. Big freaking whoop. What's your unsolicited? Call me when you finish, Amir.

I will. Knock it off, mom. You're embarrassing me. Oh, I'm nutting. I will. Knock it off, Mom. You're embarrassing me. Oh, I'm nutting. I will. I always do, obviously. Anyways, Amir, it was nice to meet your mom. What's my unsolicited advice?

Oh, well, I've never gone to like workout classes and stuff like that and I just started going to one where it was like a group thing it's not fully CrossFit I guess but it is that like interval training high intensity? yeah high intensity

high intensity interval training high intensity a class of sorts yes a class and everyone's Australian oh god they sound jacked. Yeah. And I remember waiting before and hearing the previous class go.

And you can hear the guy on the microphone. He's like, oh, way to go. I'll see you there. Nice one, Tina. Oh, you're a legend. And I was like, God, this is so fucking stupid. What am I doing here? Who brought you?

My wife told me to go. My wife told me to go. You know, endorphins. They help just crippling depression. Definitely supposed to go. My wife told me to go. Endorphins. They help just crippling depression. Definitely supposed to make you feel better. Yeah, yeah. And they do for like a couple minutes. And then I was beating myself up after going here, like embarrassed, embarrassed.

And then I tell you after that class, I was smiling ear to ear. Really? I was having a great time. Like full day? Yeah, like it kicks you off. Did they have one? All right, wait. A couple questions. Did they have one all right wait a couple

questions um do they have one in new york uh well i don't want to say the name well i will but it's like it's free promo yeah you gotta charge usually i charge that you gotta pay for the juice baby well hey i tell you what if anyone if there are any like owners owner operators of this franchise you'll work out anywhere yeah like give me some free passes for fuck's sake oh yeah these are expensive classes yeah well do they have it in new york there's a million of these things but what was funny camper crossfit when i was before hearing all the guys me oh you're a legend i was like oh boy these probably these people are probably fucking actors they're not even real australian this is a fake accent but i'm telling you when you're huffing away doing the ropes or something and it comes up to you it's like i'll see you there appreciate your work

ethic and you're like oh fucking all right he sees me it's great i truly a jacked australian yelling at me is exactly what i like oh but it's all positive that's right that's what i want yeah i want i want jacked australian encouragement i straight up downloaded the Chris Hemsworth workout training app for this exact reason and deleted it because it didn't have enough of it. I tell you, I always said I'd be embarrassed working out with a bunch of people next to me. It's way more embarrassing working out. It's maybe awkward working out either by yourself or like one-on-one with someone. Especially a trainer.

Yeah, with a group of people, you're looking around, you're looking around you're saying oh i'm not doing it everyone's here yeah it's fun especially too with high intensity like i think it's it's hard i i don't mind going to the gym and just like moving around and like lifting some weights whatever but like i could never go to the gym by myself and do a high intensity workout i need someone else doing it with yeah and then and someone sort of being like and now you're onto this all right switch yeah big open room like a pilates room or a yoga studio or something and you have like a mat and a kettlebell that's that kind of thing yeah and they have these well they've got some machines like they have this what is it called i don't know what it's

called but it's like it's like if you're doing cross-country skiing or something and you're just pushing your arms yeah it's like a rowing machine but you're yanking-country skiing or something and you're just pushing your arms. It's like a rowing machine, but you're yanking ropes. Yeah, for ski time. They also have a rowing machine. That stuff makes me kind of sick if I haven't worked out in a while. Do you ever feel like you're going to puke or pass out? I have to have an antacid before I do that exercise. If I don't, it is crippling heartburn.

Yeah, like I tried to do CrossFit. I mean, I did do CrossFit, but I remember the first few times, I i'm like i'm so lightheaded at the end of it i feel like i'm weak and the thing that messes me up lightheaded wise is the uh assault bike interesting that fan bike yeah i love that thing it's it's a it's a beast i do i gotta do this never thought it would be that hard it's so hard does not look hard i i want it i like to be drenched in sweat when i'm done working out she gets you toasty that's what i that's what i want that's what i fucking need well next time i come to la will you do it with me yeah sure yeah and it's i want to take you this place it's in studio city because you literally walk down a street of of crossfit body sculpt

yeah this thing it is like la row yeah la row mind and body row do this thing. It is like LA. Row. Yeah, LA row. Mind and body row. Do you feel better after it? Like, do you feel different now? I feel like, who am I? Like, what am I doing? Like, I come from this country town in Canada. But yeah, no, I do feel good.

I feel good. And I like the results, you know? I'm not here to bulk up. I just want to, you know, be a little toit little. A little shredder. A toit little twink. And I want to look in the mirror and go like, ooh. Yeah.

Are you already at that point where you're seeing results? I mean, I'm not a different person. But yeah, because a skinny guy can get. You got some abs. Well, you can get skinny fat, which is like, I'm slim, except for like here and here, like a couple different spots. And you just look look it looks bizarre looks like you made a character in a video game and more like you fuck with the sliders a little

bit i just want i want better proportions i don't need to be bigger necessarily but i'd like things i'd like my gut to be applied to my calves yeah and i'd like my you want thick calves i would do one careful though because then you can't you know you got to stay away from tapered jeans you gotta get like straight away i would fucking go for it. Boot cut. Boot cut. Boot cut. Add a hammer loop on that thing.

I love to need fucking carpenter jeans. Can you imagine seeing my calves in carpenter jeans? No. Probably not. I don't know. Why? I'd also like my love handles. What are you looking at on your laptop?

I'm on the gap right now. You're photoshopping me into carpenter jeans. Are you at 34? You need a hammer loop. I'll tell you what. You need a hammer loop. Okay, that's good advice. Find a gym that forces you to exercise harder than you can ever exercise yourself.

Maybe that sounds dumb, but I feel like it did help. I think it's really hard to motivate to go to the gym by yourself. And even if you do go to the gym by yourself, it's hard to get a fucking really good workout. Yeah, because if it's just yourself, I'm like, all right, this is kind of hard.

I'm kind of done. But if somebody's yelling at you, you're like, oh, I feel bad stopping. I mean, you even working out with a buddy. You started working out with Billy and you go to the gym for longer. You do more sets because you're a little more accountable working in front of people. Can I just add, no one's yelling.

I don't want to go to a place where they're yelling. It's positive. Even encouragement? It's positive yelling? It's positive encouragement. Right, yeah. I'm not talking about negative yelling. Right.

And they're doing dad jokes. Some of them are doing dad jokes. It's real fun. It's silly. I think Australian is the hottest thing you can be, too. Whoa, whoa, whoa. I wish I could be an Australian. You know you can if you go to Australia,

then you're the hot foreigner there. No, I wouldn't be. You're the American. I was like, ooh, I really like that American accent. Most of the time, I was backpacking and living there way back when yeah for like four months i mean just probably about some of the time you go guys go on tour you know whatever and uh i don't know if you're going to her for four months but i was on tour for two weeks in australia and it fucking changed my life i wanted to live there a lot of aussies i met were like real kind of like

i don't know like real kind of crass like oh yeah fat income like okay jesus take it down but i always thought like the sexiest version of australian is like it would be like like stiff the aussie version of stifler's mom like an older woman who's like oh how you going jake oh yeah you're the you're you're the son you're her son's friend or whatever. Like, oh, yeah, Amir's upstairs. Why don't you just come downstairs here with me in the rumpus room? It's so weird. What's the rumpus room?

It's like a rec room, I think you guys have. Why don't you... You're playing rugby with my son. Why don't you take your shirt off? I can see Tom, and I know it's Tom. And you talk... I'm like half hard right now. You're fully hard.

I can see it coming out of the boot cut. That turned me on a tiny bit. I was looking at you. And she's a little like, and she's got a nice Aussie white wine. Oh, yeah. She's maybe a shard. I don't know what they grow out there.

I don't know either, man. I'm starting to sweat, man. You're freaking me out. You're turning us on too much, man. I don't really know what the wine is. Don't just grab the wine. How are you doing? You're turning us on too much, man. I don't really know what the why is. Don't describe the why. God. How are you doing?

I would enjoy that reaction to just someone who's listening to this podcast like walking their dogs, being like super confused, picking up shit, being like, man, I don't know what to think right now. I'm not going to unsubscribe to this, but I'm holding a bag of shit. That buttery chard sounds pretty hot, actually. I've got to go on the bath now. And they're drinking it in a rumpus room? You have got a movie on. Why don't you sit down next to me and have a watch?

I don't know. You don't mind me butchering it? Where's her husband? Oh, he's hardly here. Don't worry about him. I don't know. Oh, you're funny. Are you in Amir's improv class?

Not really. I'm barely funny. I, you're funny. Are you in Amir's improv class? Not really. I'm barely funny. I think you're hilarious. Really? Yeah. Yeah, I'm hilarious. She's eating a cheeseburger. It was a McDonald's commercial.

The whole time. No. Here's your sand. We were talking, It was a McDonald's commercial. The whole time. No. All right. Here's your sand. We were talking, we're answering a question from a 25-year-old female in New York.

Why don't we shift gears to a 26-year-old female living in Indiana? Erie, Indiana? That's right. I don't know why, but yeah, sure. What, you need a name?

Yeah. Okay. Okay. uh what you need a name yeah okay lisa lisa duprine lisa duprina right hello no wait lisa duprina lisa duprina lisa duprina all right lisa duprina living here in the eerie Indiana. What a funny accent you have. Actually, it says, I'm originally from NY. Shout out to the roundhouse in Beacon, which I'm pretty sure is where Jake got married. That's true. It is the wedding spot in Beacon.

But check out Draft Industries for insane beers and whiskeys if you're ever back in Beacon. I did, actually. I appreciate that. Anyway. Very good. My brother's girl. And congrats on the gray sweater you're wearing, Drake. Oh, my God. How did she notice?

I was like, where is Lisa Dupree? Dupree! My brother's girlfriend broke up with him last week, ending their eight-year relationship. It wasn't a horrible fight. It was just like, this isn't working out anymore. Here's my beef, though. The last few years, my mom's side of the family has started doing Secret Santa. There are about

15 of us who participate and we draw names the following year on Christmas Day when we're all together. A lot of the cousins who are close to my age have significant others who celebrate Christmas with us and thus participate in Secret Santa. Since we already drew our names, someone in my family just won't be getting

a gift, I guess. Also, what about the person who has her? Throw her gift in the trash? Give it to me? I don't know. I'm sure some people have already bought gifts, so we can't redraw names. My brother and his girlfriend have only been broken up a few days. When is it appropriate to bring up this issue? And what do you think we should do about it? Help. Love. Lisa. this issue and what do you think we should do about it help love lisa i surprised at the wholesome nature of this of this quandary here what are they gonna do about secret santa how wait how is one

person not gonna get a gift what's the math on that because she pulled her name she pulled her own name no last year last year. This late. We'll never know who she had for Secret Santa. We'll know afterwards when there's 14 gifts and 15 people. I can understand being a little stressed about it because even if they get over it, if the brother is okay, by the time Christmas rolls around, this will inevitably come up. It'll be a sad moment when it's like oh i didn't get a gift it'll well also because carol's not here yeah and then whoever's not whoever's to yeah yeah yeah although isn't there like won't it work out where like some person gave a gift to her

and she's not there and then some person was supposed to get a gift from her so that gift can just go to her but what if like generic enough but if it's like what if it's specific yeah what if it's a my little pony right what if it's something that carol loved like a my little pony and then it's probably that it's applied to uncle carl usually gives he's because he doesn't he doesn't get a gift the majority of gifts can just be thrown away within what do i want with this fucking thing oh shit What do I want under the girl's toy? Sorry, Tony. I wanted a new tackle box. I said it.

I put it on the chalkboard. You got Betty a new tackle box. You could take her. I would love that, but you can't give yourself a gift that's also in the rules. What the fuck do I want with this pony? I hate this family.

I fucking hate you all her brother starts crying shut up pussy boy pussy boy you little pussy boy um it i guess my my initial uh question and she can't answer this because she's not here unless we get her on the line. Probably not. But is there... A lot of Secret Santas are limited in price. They're silly gifts, but maybe this is how this family gives gifts.

So if it's like a $20 and under, easy on the stress. Don't let it ruin your life. But if it's like, no, these are main gifts. We go all out on this. Keith got a Sega Genesis last year. Right. I guess if it's that big. But if it's 15 people and there's cousins and significant others,

I wouldn't ever invite a significant other to a Secret Santa where it's a $200 minimum. Eight years, though. They've been together eight years. And what if they said, we don't believe in marriage? You're like, why aren't you married? They're like, we're not going to fucking get married. Quiet, Uncle Carl.

You guys, it won't believe in marriage. You're like, why aren't you married? They're like, we're not going to fucking get married. Quiet, Uncle Carl. You guys won't tie the knot. I fought in Vietnam, and you guys aren't going to make this shit legal under the eyes of God? You're both pussy boys. You're both pussy boys, and I'm sorry. I know you're a woman, but you're also a pussy boy. I think that what she should do is buy a $25 Starbucks gift card or any other equivalent corporation. And then that person

gets the generic gift. Yeah. Gift card. But it's, I mean, no, it's not perfect, but when it's like someone,

oh shit, someone doesn't have that gift, she could just jump in and be like, actually, Santa got you something and it's a little gift card. A gift card.

Now I got, oh great, now I gotta go out and buy myself a gift. Uncle Carl. This is bullshit. None of your business. Somebody else got the gift card. It's a chore.

It's a chore. She likes it. You're giving her work. Sweetie, sweetie, baby, do you like it? Do you like it? It's fine. You go to Starbucks? You don't go to Intelligentsia?

You don't get real fucking coffee? How do you know so much about the coffee? Starbucks. You're such a hipster, Uncle Carl. Starbucks is bullshit. They burn it. It's trash. There's much better coffee out there. What's your favorite drink at Intelligentsia? Well, I go and I subscribe to Beanbox.

It's a show sponsored by Beanbox? Jesus Christ. Are you sponsored, Uncle Tony? You have a fucking coupon code. It's more like a wine clip for coffee beans. Anyway. What's your alternative milk of choice, Uncle Tony? Well, I like the taste of almond, but oat is

more responsible. God, you're hip. Fuck. What a fucking cool 91-year-old. 91? You fought in Vietnam when you were 40? That was an old time, right? Don't make me do the math. I had to get in there. I was past recruitment age.

I just wanted to fuck some shit up. Some Charlies. You do Secret Santa with your family? Yeah, I do. So? Is it small gifts or big gifts? I think it's like we do $25 to $50. Pretty small. Those are nice, though. Like, you can get thoughtful for no dollars, let me just add.

But, you know, you can do something nice. Yeah. Are significant others involved? Yeah, significant others are involved. Yeah, I don't know. It's kind of dependent. Yeah, when is the cutoff? It's like when do you take a version of the family photo without them sorry significant

others have not been involved oh really it's all it's just the immediate it's just kids what about wives and husbands wives have not been involved in the past wow sometimes jill will get something little for like my sisters and brother. That's intractable. And they all get something for her. Is this for Chanukah? This is for Christmas. Her wishes celebrate Christmas and Chanukah. The Protestant side. Pick a lane.

Pick a lane, pal. I didn't fight for fucking this shit. Christmas. Christmas. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. A thousand times Christmas. Yeah, it's a superior holiday. Isn't that right, Amir? Yeah, I mean, I grew up celebrating Hanukkah mostly.

Well, now that we can finally say it, Merry Christmas, Jake. The war on Christmas is over like the war on Vietnam is over. Took the same fucking time. Took one great leader to fucking establish it. And you love intelligence. Hell yeah.

What a fucking enigma you are, Uncle Tony. Do a coffee box and vote for Trump. Damn straight. He probably drinks nice coffee too. All right. Let's get to one last question before we have to get the fuck out of here. Did we solve this first? I don't think we did really.

I think, yeah, you said get an anonymous generic gift that the person can get. And the other thing I would say is just be there for your brother right now. I think we did really. Well, I... I think, yeah, you said get an anonymous generic gift that the person can get. An anonymous generic gift. And the other thing I would say is just be there for your brother right now. Like, that's... You don't have to worry about... But he said it wasn't a big fight. They're like, they're cool with it. But it said there was no reason,

but his brother... The brother... Did it say the brother was fine with it? I mean, after an eight-year relationship, how fine can you possibly be? Here's a gift... Unless it's been on the decline for like three years and nobody has the energy

to break up. You could buy him, you could buy your brother, she could buy her brother like a foreign bride or something like that to be like, here,

fill your heart with this. She's from Croatia. She's beautiful. Right. She's scared. She doesn't know English. She was abducted in broad hair and she's really upset.

But like, you're nice. A person? Yeah. A woman? Yes. Russia. Croatia, you said.

No, I'm not going to support the Russian economy. They're our fucking enemies, Amir. They're trying to take over Ukraine right now. So? What do I care about any of that shit? Whoa! Whoa! You're a traitor!

Uncle Tony has it out for me. I think it's because I'm Jewish or some shit. I don't know. He's been eyeing me this whole night. Something about you. I don't know. Yeah, I think you do know. Yeah, I've gotten a couple ideas.

I bet you do. One last question about baby moons. What? Have you guys ever heard of a baby moon oh yeah i don't know um well this guy explains it in the question why don't you read this question thomas since you're so good at reading and i've been reading this whole time yeah that's kind of that's fucked up yeah this is from a dude um an american dude but if you want to give him a funny you you give me me the name, and that way I'll be able to... Right, okay. God, I don't want to go back to something you've already done before.

I won't remember it. But then it's fun. No, no, I won't remember it, and then I'll be embarrassed. So this guy's name is Raya, and he's from Denmark. Okay. Okay. You're shapeshifting Have you ever heard of a baby moon?

I didn't until my wife and I started trying for a baby She says it's some big trip, like a honeymoon, you take while you're pregnant. Who came up with this shit? Fuck if I know. Well, my wife is pregnant now and keeps mentioning exotic places we should go for a babymoon. Problem is, we're just coming up on an anniversary trip

we're taking and just built a house about six months ago, so we've spent quite a bit of money. Quite a bit. This is just a bastardization of anything Scandinavian, I guess. I know we're going to spend even more money

over the next nine months preparing for the baby. So it's probably not the best idea to take this big trip. Plus, the baby moon would use up my very limited PTO I'd be using to get some time off when the baby is born. Pay time off, yeah. So he's not from Denmark. Yeah, they'd give him a year. I've mentioned it to her when the topic comes up, but she keeps talking about it like it's going to happen.

We probably can... No, we can probably afford it, but I just don't think it's smart. Do I risk letting our kid live in poverty for the rest of their life, or do I think of a way to squash my wife's dreams? How do I seize the cheese in this situation, please? P.S. I've only listened to

the first 40 episodes so far, so I don't know if you've already covered this. Toda Raya. Very nice. Thank you, Raya. Thank you, Thomas. Baby Moon. You've heard of it before. Yes. Well, now I understand what it is. Yeah. I guess you could do a moon for anything.

I like the idea of a baby moon. I mean, your life's about to change forever. You're not going to have like solo dolo time with your significant of. Yeah, your sig-o. It seems nice. Seems like a real treat. But can you do a staycation baby moon? Oh.

Staycations, boo-boo, I say. Yeah, but like a local. I was going to suggest.. Boo, boo, I say. Yeah. But like a local. I was going to suggest. All right. Yeah, please. Let me piggyback this because I think this is good. Hop on. Just something like, do you have to fly from fucking Denmark to Hawaii?

No. No. Scandinavia is a glorious place. Oh, yeah. You know, there's lots of great places. Drive the coast. Drive the coast, man. Do a little something, something that's maybe a little bit more on the budget she needs a little rumspringer before the little baby happens and i think you do

too you're you're gonna want it so not a quite a staycation but a local yeah place and she's pregnant so it can't be like you know you don't acid and mdma and fucking whatever else don't get on a flight but like a nice air, buy a good bottle of wine. And drink it in front of her. You can have a glass of wine with a baby. Oh, this is so fucking good. You can have a glass of wine. Your dad's an OBGYN.

Yeah, and he's strongly, strongly against any alcohol while the baby is in vitro or utero. He gets trashed during his delivery. Yeah, my dad gets trashed, but he doesn't suggest the lady does. I do hear that a glass of wine is indeed okay. Yeah, and also well, I guess you can't have or you shouldn't have

shellfish, like raw seafood or something? Is it the mercury? I don't know. There's lots of rules. There's probably all these rules in the books. They're in the books. Google the books. After're in the books. Yeah. Google the books. Google the books. After you Google the books, yeah, just try to make a compromise of some kind.

Yeah. I think there's, you go, hey, I'm just concerned about the old finances, the pennies in the bank. The books. The books. I don't want to cook these books. I want to make sure the books are nice and tight. But his heart's in the right place. It's not like he's like, I want to do a weekend with my boys.

Or like, I want to spend money on a campsite. Yeah, he says, I want to spend the weekend with my boys. Don't bleed you dry. What? Don't bleed you. The campsites. Yeah, I guess the campsites will do that.

I mean, not if you're owning one. What? I own a series of campsites what yeah you're dropping this ball on us now when i first started making money in hollywood i was like okay well easy i know what i'm gonna do to invest it okay i own seven different campsites what What are they? I employ over 200 women. What are they? Okay. And they're all live? What's the main one called, your campsite?

Well, eatingmacaronilive.com. How many women does that one employ? 22 women. 22 women. Is that just the name or are they actually doing that? The macaroni. Yeah, they actually doing that the macaroni

yeah they're doing it some do it with ketchup some do it natch some put broccoli in there that's nasty Thomas yeah I know oh it's not sexual

it's just like eating yeah so it's like I can eat across the table for somebody we're rivaling YouTube with Matt

that's our biggest competitor macaroni videos what YouTube a multi-billion dollar corporation owned by Google is what Wait a minute. That's our biggest competitor. Macaroni videos. YouTube, a multi-billion dollar corporation owned by Google is what Eat Macaroni Live is competing against? Yeah, man. It's a tough biz. But we're doing great.

There's lots of those videos on YouTube too. I know, but you don't pay for them. Yes. That's the difference. Right. That's good on YouTube. That's the difference. You got to pay for the quality. Not really. Pay for the ketchup. Stay for the r Yes. That's the difference. Right. That's good on YouTube. That's the difference. You got to pay for the quality. Not really.

Pay for the ketchup. Stay for the roni. All right. That's it. That's our time. Thomas, do you have anything to promote before we go? I saw you on various talk shows, so I know you have something to promote. Well, sir, depending on...

This is coming out really steadily soon. We'll call this a Monday release. Monday, November 18th. Well then, you tune yourselves in every Sunday until it's done to a little

twinkle-toe show called Silicon Valley. We're in the last season. I want to say the first or second time you did our show was right before Silicon Valley came out.

Oh, I was like all excited. That's right. There was the billboard. Yeah, we saw the billboard. I can't remember if we saw the billboard or if Tom had a photo of the billboard that they were going to release. It was so, I mean, that's so exciting when you first,

that was the first time that had ever happened to me. Right. And you're like, oh my God, I made it. And now you're five years deep into it. Oh, seven it's taken. Seven years to shoot six seasons. So this will be the sixth and final season. Sixth and final season. I genuinely do think it's taken. Seven years to shoot six seasons. So this will be the sixth and final season.

Sixth and final season. I genuinely do think it's our best work, and the show really sticks the landing. Wow. Like in terms of season finales. Yeah. I'm sure there's going to be. Series finales. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure there's going to be some people who are like, boop, boop, boop, boop. Right. But I really, it's great. Wow. It's fun. Do you remember reading the last episode, and you're like, wow.

Yeah, like satisfying. Like I had a good meal. I got all teary. Oh, wow, man. Yeah, it was real. It's been. You remember reading the last episode and you're like, wow. Yeah, like satisfying. Like I had a good meal. I got all teary. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was real. It's been a real joy. Sweet. So that's Sundays on HBO.

Sundays on HBO. Watch that. Sweet. Opening theme song was written by, oh, it was the Pina Colada. I don't know if I ever said who wrote it. We just sort of skipped over it. That makes sense. John Mars.

We do that all the time. john mars wrote that and he has an instagram where he posts little tunes and ditties of the like at john mars z tunes mars with a z at the end and this closing theme song is a singer songwriter from london wants to give a shout out to his siblings james sophie and Johnny, and best mate, Will. His SoundCloud is soundcloud.com slash Andrew Lavis. Andrew hyphen L-A-V-I-S. So thanks, Andrew. Thanks to John Mars.

Thanks to Thomas for stopping by. Oh, yeah. If you have any questions or theme songs of your own, send them down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Later. Bye. Bye. Your love lives fraught with human error And more than one question of who was

Forget your fear because Jake's so busy And Amir is also there You'll come with woes, trust these two bros Because you'll leave without a care If I were you That was a HeadGum Podcast.