Segments - 41: Aunt

Episode Date: November 28, 2013

In this episode we discuss embarrassing relatives, emotional cheating, and teenage love. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com -- http://bit.ly/1aJaQzw. Check 'em out for two free weeks of movies/ television shows/ and original content! See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited

time only. Hey, I don't want to use this dude that we've paid to do the ads. What do you mean, Kyle? Yeah, Kyle, get out of the room. Kyle's great. Where do you want me to go? Change your voice, Kyle. Get out of the room. That was great. Where do you want me to go? Change your voice, Kyle. All right.

Hey, this episode is brought to you by, as Kyle said, Hulu Plus. Hulu Plus. What's Hulu Plus, man? Great question. You probably tried Hulu.com. But with Hulu Plus, you can watch your favorite shows anytime, anywhere. It lets you watch thousands of hit TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your television or on the go with your smartphone or tablet tell me more about it

well simply put you can stream hd tv and movies on your phone your computer or your tv what my phone my computer or my tv that's right any other news yeah you can watch your all your favorite current tv shows you can watch snl you can watch community you can watch all your favorite current TV shows. You can watch SNL. You can watch Community. You can watch Family Guy. Oh, those are my current favorite shows. That's right. They also have Hulu originals, so stuff that you can only watch on Hulu, like The Awesomes starring SNL's Seth Meyers and Moonboy starring Chris O'Dowd from The Bridesmaids. I'm absolutely getting this.

I shouldn't have called it The Bridesmaids, but you shouldn't talk like that, so I guess we're even. How dare you? And how much does this all cost? Great question. Well, you have to ask me. How much does it fucking cost? You asshole.

Why are you mad? For only $7.99 a month. $8 a month? That's like cheaper than a sandwich. That's not true. You can stream as many TV shows. Sandwiches that I buy are like $12, but go on. Yeah, that's like cheaper than a sandwich that's not true you can stream as many sandwiches that i buy are like 12 but go on yeah that's why it is you can for yeah for eight dollars you can stream as many tv shows and movies as you want i don't know what that means. Of course you don't. You're a dumb lady.

I'm a dumb ass lady right now. And right now, if you're still unsure after all that, you can try Hulu Plus for free for two weeks when you go to huluplus.com forward slash Amir. That's right.

Forward slash Amir. And nothing happens if you do forward slash Jake. That's right. Jack shit. Makes sense. Yeah, it does. It does because you you do forward slash Jake. That's right. Jack shit. Makes sense. Yeah, it does. It does because you're bringing absolutely nothing to the table right now. Yeah, yeah.

Because I don't do the ads. Is that what it is? It's a special offer for our listeners. So go to HuluPlus.com forward slash Amir. You get the extended free trial and they'll know that we sent you. The more people that we bring to Hulu, the more sponsorships we get in the future you don't understand it helps us when you watch these shows for only eight

dollars a month what what a life we lead what a privileged life we have right now you watch tv shows and movies for eight dollars a month you go to our url we we have happy sponsors we make money we make more content we do crazier. Maybe we can build a studio one day. Yeah. Positivity, positivity, positivity. Always positivity. It's a triple win situation. Boom, ba-ding, ba-boom, ba-boom, bang.

So that's it. Check out huluplus.com forward slash Amir. And more than anything, enjoy this episode. Geez, I don't know how to describe it. Things. Did they? Yeah, they did. They got real.

They got real, actually. They got absolutely real. Yeah they did They got real They got real of themselves Without further adieu Enjoy the show You got a problem And you need advice That's hashtag dope. Well, I might know these Jews that have their own podcast show. If I were you, show at gmail.com.

They've got a wicked sense of humor, can't believe what they say. They'll ramble on for 20 minutes, then they'll be on their way. And all you wanted was an answer, but they don't go for that Yeah, they're reading through the roof and they don't write back Singing, whoa, if I were you You'd never let me go, why don't you let me know Whoa, if I were you You'd never let me know, why don't you let me know? If I were you, you'd never let me know.

Why don't you let me know? Yes. Yes. That one gets a good. That one gets a real good. It's a cover, a parody of a Rob Thomas song. And I think that one's better than Rob Thomas. Not better than his song. You think that one's better than rob thomas not not not a not better

than his song you think the song is better than rob this is just better than rob thomas you sir are are better than mr rob thomas himself i know it's hard to compare songs to people yeah being said rob thomas is a good man that said this is better than him as a man. I'd rather hang out and meet this song than Rob Thomas. And I'm not saying Matchbox 20. I'm saying Rob Thomas. I'm putting Mr. Thomas himself on blast. I really am. I'm actually going to put Rob Thomas himself on blast right now, right here, on a Monday.

It's a Thursday. It's a Thursday. Thursday blast. Well, we're here uh on a monday it's a thursday it's a thursday thursday blast well we're recording it on a monday thursday blast happy thanksgiving mr thomas this is thursday happy thanksgiving you guys yeah now that i think about it's a holiday we could have taken this off if we didn't uh if we didn't have an ad so What would Mr. Hulu J Plus think if we just didn't do it because of Thanksgiving? He wouldn't even notice. Yeah, he'd be too easy eating turkey. Too busy eating turkey. Who wrote this song?

Well, who sang it? Who sent it to us? Rob Thomas himself did not. John Galantis. John Galantis. Great name, great guy, great great song great holiday thanksgiving i'm thankful it's thanksgiving what are you thankful for i'm thankful to have the the day off and i'm thankful to to eat turkey with my friends and family and people i love actually by the time you read this i will have killed myself read this who's reading the podcast isn't there a transcript never mind why i why you're killing

yourself yeah and aren't you aren't you worried about the why do you think we can read it sir you're just talking to my dangling feet sir no your graphic i'm not i'm not actually gonna kill myself don't worry. Damn it. But yeah, I totally forgot that this is going to be on Thanksgiving. Yeah, not me. I'm thoughtful.

I hope more than anything else people still listen to the show. I hope they do too. I'd be sad if they didn't. I'd be depressed. I would be so sad and lonely if we started to fail and lose our listenership.

It would ruin my holiday. I'd be surrounded by my friends, family, and loved ones, and I would just be checking the SoundCloud stats. I hope it's broken. Yeah. If we don't hit 10,000 by noon Eastern, I feel like there's a significant drop-off. You've never uttered more truth. I swear to God, this is the most honest you've ever been. It's true.

Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. And actually, I must admit that I do host another advice podcast. So your little intro, bud, it's done. Well, it's the only one hosted by us, me and you. So you can host an advice podcast. Wow, you really foolproofed that one.

I made it so specific that it can't be untrue. Damn. New podcast, new recording location. Now the old bedroom of my older brother, downstairs in my parents house down in yair's room and uh thanks yair we appreciate it my parents are asleep i'm having flashbacks of when i was 13 making videos with my friends while my parents were asleep i just imagine any minute now my dad yelling for me to stop for me to turn it down the only

difference is now i'm a 30 year old adult getting yelled at by my daddy. So I think I can finally take him. Just kidding. Derone is more than in shape. He is cut, built, and stronger than I. This is also, this, your older brother's room, is the room that I'm sleeping in with the, we're lying on my pull-out couch right now. I live in the lap of luxury. I'm homeless and scared.

I don't know where I'm going to lay my head next. Our parents had children at our age, and we are sleeping over at my parents' house, getting fed by them recording a radio show. Yeah, I'm nervous that your dad's going to yell at me. At this rate, I believe my children will be 40 years old, playing with blocks in my house, and my children will be 40 years old playing with blocks in my uh my house and their children will be 65 year old getting fed with bibs by their parents and then

in four generations 80 year olds will be completely codependent baby baby men that are unable to procreate and eventually within four generations our civilization will as we know it be over i wanted to be a part of that okay that bit but you made it about math and how is that fair for me how is that fair for opa opa opa was trying to live a math style life just then i was just adding 20 years for every regression. Yeah, but like 20 years per generation, there's like a fourth generation. It's like, oh, it's just, oh.

Let's get to stuff that we can all understand, which is what the show's about. Basically, people, you know, life is hard. Simply put, life is difficult. You're often faced with choices, decisions are you know hard to make you can go one of many many ways and sometimes you don't know which way to go it's tricky it's hard so you ask loved ones or you can email a podcast two hosts will go through the emails and choose four questions and answer them right here into a into a microphone recorded uploaded for other people

to download and listen to. That's just sometimes how life goes. As long as your dad doesn't wake up and yell at us to be quiet, in which case we'll have to cancel the whole entire podcast. This is the only podcast on the internet that hopes it doesn't wake my daddy up

with its recording. That on. That email address, if you want to email us your problems, is ifiwereyous show at gmail.com if i were you show at gmail.com we're also accepting theme song submissions that first one about was by john galantis but the next one could be from you that's right you todd murray todd murray i really hope there's a Todd Murray listening Who just crumpled a ball of paper up

And was like forget it I'll never write a theme song That wasn't specific enough Because they didn't mention my middle name They're not talking about me Stop being so down on yourself Thomas James Murray My middle name's Robert They weren't talking about me

I knew it. Happy Thanksgiving, Mama. Papa. Mama. Papa. Oh, you know what? It's also the first night of Hanukkah. It's Thanksgiving.

No, no, no. Chag Sameach. Chag Sameach. Chag Sameach to the Jewish listeners who are celebrating. Oh, Shalom Aleichem. That was the word I was trying to say. Oh, yeah. That means peace to you.

Shalom Aleichem. shalom aleichem. That was the word I was trying to say. Oh, yeah, that means peace to you. Shalom aleichem. Shalom aleichem. And chag sameach to our more proud, smart, happy, chosen listeners. I feel like they really deserve more than the non-Jewish listeners do. And I apologize going forward that you guys are going to be getting the same... What? Now I have to be anti you guys are going to be getting the same rep. What? Now I have to be anti-Semitic to even it out. Anyway, whatever you're celebrating today, I hope you're eating delicious food.

Even if you're celebrating yourself, Thomas Murray. I said Todd. Of course. All right, let's get started. This is getting silly. We're going to be reading these real emails giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Yay! So we'll call this first one from Ariel.

Ariel. Ariel writes, I recently discovered a new band and decided to buy tickets to their concert. I asked my friends to come too and they happily agreed. However, I mistakenly also told my aunt about the band

and now she wants to come to the concert too. I'm not embarrassed by her. I just think that she will feel out of place. How should I nicely avoid this from happening? Thanks for your advice. Love, Ariel. That is something you'd want to avoid. Yeah.

Just your aunt going to a concert. It's a new band I'm into. All my friends and my aunt. Oh, guys. Guys, guys guys guys guys guys um all right the lead singer is super cute dibs oh there's my aunt she's she's 48 and she showed up drunk why is your aunt here why is this happening where is your aunt oh my god your aunt's getting on somebody's shoulders she's exposing her tits to the guitarist.

Your uncle's here, too. He's rolling more than face. Your uncle showed up. He's sucking on a pacifier. He bought a grandma molly from that guy in the corner. He's been candy dipping. Oh, wait, that guy's your great uncle. I swear to God, your parents are here.

They're 69ing in the mosh pit. This isn't even appropriate behavior for somebody that's 21 like us. And let alone not related to you. It is such a funny specific relative, an aunt. My mom's sister wants to come. Yeah, your mom's sister wanted in on the concert. It is also weird because you can't exactly refuse her it's if she buys a ticket

to the concert she will come yeah because it's not like your mom your mom you could be like uh mom i don't want you to go but if it's your aunt it's like you don't have the same it's it really is just like a half something to your aunt or something your mom my aunt is like a half mom it's like you feel somewhat comfortable around her but not like a hundred percent enough to yell at her if my aunt suzy was like i want to come to a concert with you i'd be like i'd be pumped actually suzy's cool it doesn't work it doesn't work for me because you love your mom and you love your aunt yeah my mom's super cool my aunt's super cool they should i'd love if they went to a concert with me i love you mom i love Aunt Susie. Is there an aunt that you're not as fond of? Which aunt are you not fond of?

I love all my aunts. I love all my aunts. I love all my aunts. Aunt Amy, Aunt Lisa, Aunt Susie. Y'all's the best. Yay! They gave me a Hanukkah gift. They gave me gifts and presents.

Aunt Nancy, Aunt Lisa, Aunt Susie. Aunt Brancer, Aunt Brancer, Aunt Vixen. Y'all are the best. Aunt Pat, you're the best. I love you. You give me presents and I want to bring you to concerts. How dare you beat your age. I'm 28 and I love my mom.

And I love her because she gives me presents and gives me things for me and deals with my problems. I know this is very off base, but I really laughed the other day when you explained to me how your mom used to threaten you. Oh, yeah. Which was, when you were a child, she would. She would say, if I was being really bad, she would say, Jake, we're going to send you away to summer camp. And everybody else, every other kid in my school was like, yeah, we love going away to summer camp. It's great. And my mom would say, we're going to summer camp.

I'd just be like, no. No, I love you. Please. Please don't do this. Why are you tearing us apart, mom? I love you so much. You can't just send me away so flippantly. It's funny that you were like a rambunctious teen that just unequivocally loved his mom.

I don't want to be apart from you, mommy. Jake, you stole vodka from me and dad's liquor cabinet. You're grounded. I don't want to be apart from you mommy alright Jake you stole vodka from me and dad's liquor cabinet you're grounded like mom I love you I'm so sorry you're the fucking best I can't believe I let you down

I stole the liquor from dad not you you have to understand you were collateral damage and I don't know what happened. You were collateral damage, mom. Don't take me away from you. Don't send me away.

So, how does this girl disinvite her aunt? Yeah. I wonder if you can say something to your mom or your dad. I don't know whose sister it is, but be like hey um uh my aunt's my aunt is coming or our aunt your sister wants to come to this concert and i think uh it's going to be weird yeah and they can deal with it delicately yeah but maybe yeah but maybe it'll be like how sad would it be if it worked where it's like oh i talked to your mom and she made it clear that you didn't want me to go you know this actually happened to me straight up with my uncle my one of my uncles like loves uh you know live music he's like always loves hanging

out and when i was younger i was like oh man i don't like this is gonna be so weird like if uncle john's at the concert like what do i do but he's just like a dude who likes music and who cares yeah i think it's fine it's not like he expects he's not like your aunt isn't necessarily coming to like get drunk with your friends and insert her yourself into your friend group maybe she just heard the band and thought they were great and she grew up listening to live music and she wants to go see a concert yeah concerts are kind of not intimate so i wouldn't really care it's not like it's a party or someplace where they would have to like talk or hang out with each other it's just like once you get there it's a free-for-all your aunt can do whatever the hell she wants we were at remember

that concert we're at a few weeks ago i we got there i didn't see you for two straight hours what big frida oh yeah i actually passed out in the bathroom yeah we saw you on stage completely we everyone thought you were dead they took off your pants and we sort of everyone's like trying to laser pointers at your dick and laughed it was amazing i've never seen that many people work in unison to embarrass a lifeless dummy before i guess you had individually wronged every single person at brooklyn bowl that night they carried you around like uh king koopa at the end of mario 2 shoulder to shoulder until you eventually were kicked out of the club. Everyone applauded louder than I've ever heard anybody be applauded before. I guess that's when you came

to because you walked back in and everyone tried to kill you to get finished the deed. They booed so loudly the walls started rumbling. Frida himself had to beg and plead. Frida herself. Oh, whatever. How dare you. She's a transvestite.

She identifies as a woman. I don't care what she identifies as. I care what I identify her as. So a girl. Yeah. So it works out in this case. Thankfully. So I would say,

if I were you, I wouldn't think it would be worth it. The pros of disinviting her do not outweigh the cons of feeling guilty. Right. So take her to the concert. It'll be a little weird, but it's going to be so crowded there. We don't even have to take her to the concert. She'll be like, yeah, I'm going with my friends.

I'm glad that you have a ticket. I'm glad that you like the music. We'll see you there. Yeah. I don't think she's not. I mean, it doesn't sound like her. It's like, all right, we're carpooling. All right, girls.

I talked to my guy, Ra Raul And he got us some blow But we can't really like Cut lines in my kitchen So we have to go to the concert And just take individual bumps In the bathroom okay Jesus You're gonna be the best aunt ever

Or the worst Cause I'm haunted Dead or alive No You know you can't keep that in the episode right you're gonna edit that out huh i ought to oh god next please next question for the love of gaunt. All right, that one got me. All right. Question. For the love of gaunt. You actually are looking a little gaunt nowadays. Me?

Actually, no. If anything, I've gained weight. Yeah. I'd like to weigh you on my parents' scale upstairs. Okay. Oh, God. Absolutely. I just mucused everywhere.

We are dead. We're done. We are at our wit's aunt. How'd I go from hating it to loving it? It was like when we were making Menemony jokes at Menemony, Minnesota. There's a town called... Menomony. No, Menomony.

Menomony? It was me, you, and Streeter in a gas station in a town called Monomony it was me you and Streeter in a gas station in a town small town in Minnesota called Monomony and so me and Streeter were checking out like buying stuff from the gas station and there was like this you know 20 year old lady who works there and I'm like what is this town called and she said Monomony

and I said is it true that Mitt Romney is from Monomony and then Streeter was like you know yeah true that mitt romney is from monomony and then streeter was like you know yeah presidential nominee mitt romney is from monomony and then i was like whatever like uh i heard he makes hominy yeah mitt romney the nominee makes monomony hominies whatever and she was stone-faced not laughing i was like and i apologize for you yeah and then you're like sorry about them They're like being very immature. And then like two seconds later, you made a hot.

What did you say? I said, I was like, all right, thank you. Oh, by the way, do you have any salami? Do you have any salami? I really was just like, I was so fed up that I was like, all right, if I. Well, now I have one. I have to say it. It's too late.

Yep. I have one. I have to say it. It's too late. I'm immature. I'm still not at that age where I can't say, I can't not say the funniest thing, regardless of how mean it is. It's true. That's why, like, when I was in college and stuff, a lot of people just thought I was mean, which I probably was,

but, like, I didn't mean the things that I meant. I just always said the funniest thing that I thought of, and sometimes they'd be mean, and sometimes they'd be nice, and they wouldn't actually mean anything. I think it's always just like, wouldn't it be funny if someone said this right now? In my mind, I'm always imagining somebody else like, oh man, it would crack me up if someone yelled this right now. Me and you whisper that shit to each other all the time. Like someone says this, someone says this.

And it could be mean and it could be nice. But sometimes we just actually, we say it ourselves. Right. To make nobody laugh is just like this impulse that I can't suppress. Literally just for us. Yeah. Selfish. We're selfish smalls.

We're gaunt. All right. Moving on. Number two. Yay. Moron stuff. Do it. Number two.

Oh, another girl. We'll call this lady Ursula. Ooh it. Number two. Oh, another girl. We'll call this lady Ursula. Who? Ursula writes, real email, sent to if I were you show at gmail.com. Hey guys, so I started talking to this guy I met on an online dating site. We would text all day, every day, and it seemed like there was a real potential there. Then he got busy with work and our texting pretty much stopped completely. I tried for two months to make plans to meet him, but he would have an excuse every time even though he would always tell me how much he wanted to hang out with me. Finally, I got

frustrated and told him I was deleting his number as to not keep making an ass out of myself. And a few weeks later, I'm back on the online dating scene And he swiped me right on Tinder And chose me on quick match on OkCupid What's this guy's deal? What's this guy's deal? What's this guy's deal? Ursula, tell you what, you're batshit crazy Really? I'm serious actually

How's that? How did you infer that from this seemingly non-toxic email? Let me tell you what, dude I am Sherlock Holmes of this type of shit You have a seventh sense Which is smelling out batshitness. You can also see dead people. Right. And they are all batshit. They're like, oh, well, I'm dead.

I'm a ghost. Like, shut the fuck up. You're so fucking ugly. So what this lady said that gave herself away was numero one, after two months of trying to hang out with him and failing. That's a little crazy. If you brush someone off and they keep on trying for two straight months, that's just like, that's nuts. Two times is the most, right? Yeah.

Like once is like, oh, that's a bad sign. And I will maybe fire that second one. If I really, really, really like that person. And then that's over. But most of the time, no. And then when that's over, it's like, I will never see this person again. Yeah, never. If I can ask more than twice, Jesus Christ.

Also, she's like, so, you know what? So finally, I was fed up, and I told him I was going to delete his number. That's not being fed up. That's your one crazy last-ditch effort. Yeah. Like, all right, if you're not going to hang out with me, I'm going to delete your number. Wait, no, no, no, no. I want to hang out with you. You just bribed me into it. Okay, yeah, here we go. What date hang out with me, I'm going to delete your number. Wait, no, no, no, no. I want to hang out with you.

You just bribed me into it. Okay, yeah, here we go. What date and time? Actually, I can't make it. Oh, fine. All right, I'm going to delete your number. No, no, no, don't. All right, what date and time do you want to hang out?

Also, I think on OkCupidQuickMatch, but I know for a fact on Tinder, you would not be able to know if he swiped you right unless you did the exact same thing. Right. So that means after all of this, she still chose him on Tinder. She still chose him on OKCupid. So you're the crazy one. I guess he's a fucking idiot too. But there's no advice for either of you. The advice –

This guy's deal? This guy's deal is that he's not interested. Right. He's not interested. And it's that easy. It's that easy. If someone really wanted to hang out with you they would go out of their way to hang out with you if you're offering if you're offering

and he's still rejecting it's not gonna happen just stop just stop just stop drop shut him down. Open up shop. Aunt. Oh, aunt. That's how rough riders raunt. I am sorry. I was hard on you. I'm sure you're a perfectly lovely lady. I just think that you came on too strong in this scenario. I would advise in the future for you not to belabor a hangout session. I would advise for you not to hound someone for two months and then i would advise you not to let them know you were deleting their number if you were fed up

and then after that i would advise you not to choose them yet again on the very online dating sites that brought you to this awful cycle to begin with i think uh our friend dan reese or once had a good bit of relationship advice is that when it's good it's easy so like when you're like oh what does this mean this is cryptic it's not running to hang out sometimes he does sometimes he doesn't and when it's going good and things are going good then both people want to hang out and it's very easy or at the very least fun like i i understand if it's like if it's a challenge and it's a game it's like oh sometimes she doesn't want to hang out sometimes she does and like that's kind of fun like a cat and mouse game but right now this this game is like you are clawing at a mouse hole that where

the mouse is not peeking out you're playing tennis against a wall not against another person and the wall that you're playing against is riddled with spikes, so it just doesn't work. The ball doesn't even bounce back. It's not fun. Make it fun. Find someone that it's fun with. Yeah. Bye. Find a tennis partner. Bye. Bye.

Next question. Bye. Stop it. Okay. Bont. Alright. Let's go to a question from a dude this time finally it's about time boys only rest of the podcast no more girls no more girls that's like that's a good chant because this feels like a sleepover right now jake and i are both wearing uh face masks with cucumber over our eyes talking into these vibrators oh my god we have to share a vibrator this is how we imagine every girl sleepover is it all ends in

two girls penetrating the same dildo all right oh jesus christ from that very pornographic thought to this question hey guys my name's prince eric So my girlfriend, let's call her Hun Bun, is one fine piece of ass. My problem, she rushes away right when we're done hanging out. We're both 14 and we've been dating for over a month now and we haven't kissed, but we hang out almost

every day after school and almost every day on the weekends. We get along really well, but there's almost no physical contact, although I try quite a bit and she doesn't seem to mind when I put her arm around her, but Oh, Eric. This is our youngest relationship question yet. Yeah. First of all, I feel very uncomfortable with the fact that he called her a fine piece of ass that's i think in some way your fault i don't know how pedophile now just for listening to that just for reading just for receiving that email we have to register

as sex offenders that sucks i know we have to go tell everybody in the neighborhood what happened god that sucks that sucks hey um i'm moving in next door and i'm actually legally obligated to tell you i mean this is insane i have a podcast i have a podcast that's where it starts i mean you want the long version of the short the short is that i'm a registered sex offender so yeah i'm a predator i guess and if you have children leave them in the yard don't let them out i mean this is insane it was a 14 year old they wrote in all i did was read back what he said what you're on your honor is this really legal i don't think she's a hot piece of ass obviously i don't think of her like that i trust

me i looked at her she was she was a goddamn nickel i mean the 14 year old kid who sent the email in is a smoke show but i'm not i can't attest to the fact that he's with a smoke show this is insane uh all right yeah that's it lock me up and throw away okay okay there are the cuffs this is nuts holy shit uh this is yeah this is so weird i remember like eighth grade having a did you have a girlfriend when you were in eighth grade you You know the answer to this. I know. But like that,

it was like a big thing. Like we never, it was just like at the end of the day, we had to kiss each other on the cheek. Goodbye. It was the hallway before we all got on the bus, go up to her, say,

all right, I'm going to go by. And then we kiss each other on the cheek and hug. And that was it. That was having a girlfriend when I was 14. Well, I remember in my earliest, uh,

I never had a girlfriend, uh, ever, but, uh, my earliest, my friends are like girlfriend situations. I think it was in fifth grade where like this trend started where guys would ask girls out.

And I didn't even know what that meant. It was just like yeah did you hear uh adam's now going out with mindy and it's like what does that mean he asked her out and she said yes so now they're dating and then at the end of recess they hug and like and like the teacher had to like call over like the cool kids like hey adam jordan mike come over here uh so just so you know like we know that you're going out with girls we just want to make sure you're doing it responsibly and i was just like what the hell is this going out so crazy like how do you what do you hug girls at the end of recess like that's what going out it's like

dipping your toes in you like figure it out you're're like, as you get old, like he's dealing with, you know, I'm just trying to hug my girlfriend at the end of the day. And then we're just like, oh, how do we. Now we're boyfriend and girlfriend. And my mom. Do you even have a date where like your mom drove you to the movies? My very first girlfriend was sixth grade. And I think we like we would get pizza together and I would hold her hand and I would kiss her on the cheek when she left. God, with your greasy ass lips. I mean, I don't remember that but yeah i mean like i feel like when i was that young i didn't even have like sexual urges it had no it was it was all like

social like oh i want to go out with this girl because she's popular and these are like my popular friends going out with these popular girls it was just like we want to like all right we want to create this little family but it's funny that like even by age 12 you basically know who the cool dudes are and yeah who you're attracted to yeah like the fact that i didn't do that at age 12 still sort of manifests itself into how i how i act at age 30 right the fact that you did have a girlfriend at age 12 shows off how you act today still you're still trying to get the most popular girl and hang out with her yeah it just means different except i would never take her to pizza now god can you imagine seeing her eat

eating in front of someone fuck that's disgusting i just wanted let's try to earnestly give this kid advice um should i make myself i mean so let's see what what was the actual question he wants to know how he can make it so she's a little more like physical with him he just wants to hug her before well do you think she doesn't like me is the question no i think of course she likes you that's why she's hanging out with you so much okay so she still likes you right so what you need in your brain all the time is this constant reassurance. And I use this, too, of like she is spending her time with you. Time is valuable. Even as a 14 year old, she is hanging out with you every day.

She's going over to your house on the weekends. That means she's thinking about you in a positive way. She wants to be around you. Do you have anything to add? I thought you were still talking. Oh, no. I mean mean i want to i want to double team this oh uh she wants to be around you so you clearly disagree with me i don't know man i don't know what she wants this poor kid dude he's what he's our fan he's 14 years old

he's you're checking twitter right now he needs help he wants help he's our fan he's 14 years old he's you're checking twitter right now he needs help he wants help he wants how does he get his girlfriend to hug him when she leaves she says bye and rushes out without a hug or anything i think you just got to be confident to say hey where you going come back here and give me a hug it's such a weird advice to give i'm serious you just gotta be like hey wait come here i forgot something And then she comes back and she says, what? And then you give her a hug. And then maybe she'll think that was a cute little move. And then you guys will start hugging. Yeah.

I mean, what sort of, what kind of physical contact should you get at age 14? Hugs. Not kisses? I mean, I feel a little weird saying like lean in for the kiss. I think do whatever she's comfortable with and you're comfortable with and both of you feel safe and responsible doing. Talk to your parents. I will say if you want to hug her before she leaves, I say just broach the subject by saying come here and give me a hug or something. Right.

Should he go for the hug? Yeah. I mean, you can go for the hug. Go for the hug. The first one's going to be weird. It always is. But then after that, it will for the hug? Yeah. I mean, he could go for the hug. Go for the hug. The first one's going to be weird. It always is. But then after that, it will become the norm. Yeah. And then later on, going for other stuff will become very pressure-packed and nerve-wracking. And that'll never, ever, ever go away.

Yeah, but then it's going to turn fun. It's always fun. Not at age 14. Or have you thought about just playing video games with your friends until you're 18? Don't do that. You'll end up like Bloom, buddy. You'll end up like me, the worst person you can end up as. Or you know what you should do? You should find a sluttier chick.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Absolutely. No, I don't like this. No. Find a slutty 14-year-old, you're telling him? And actually, I know a few. My cousin used to babysit this... She's a dime, if not a penny.

She's a dime in that she's 10. I'm going to stop making these jokes. Jesus Christ, please do. That was good, though. Thank you. Yes, don't do anything that she's uncomfortable with. That's my responsible parental take on this. And yet you're humping air right now, you asshole.

That being said, I am old enough to be this person's father biologically, so I have to side with his parents and say, you know what, if your girlfriend's not comfortable. You're too young to be dating. If your girlfriend's not comfortable. Too what? If your girlfriend's not comfortable... You're too young to be dating. If your girlfriend's not comfortable to hug you, then you shouldn't force her to do anything. Don't say force it. Don't say it like I said force it.

You're just saying not. Alright, that was good, Jake. I'm just going to give contrary advice. I would not want to force her. I wouldn't force the hug. I wouldn't force her to do anything. I didn't say that. I said ask her for a hug. You can make the move. If she doesn't reciprocate, of course, wouldn't force her to do anything i didn't say that i said ask her for a hug i mean you can make the move and if she doesn't reciprocate of course don't force it i don't know

i just i guess we come from two different places i would say don't force a kiss and jake something else okay this is absolutely incorrect be be safe and be happy and be courteous we're so nervous we're so nervous getting back to us please don't arrest me us sitting in court the tape is being played back to us okay but if you keep listening i will backpedal your honor this is insane yes i did call a 10 year old but with real real ramifications mercy have Mercy. Have mercy on us, your judge. Break time. Break time. You know, I wanted to read that.

Break time. Break it. I wanted to read that email that we got, which was a follow-up to the advice that we gave. Oh, yeah. Back in like episode 11 or 12. Let me find this email. All right. So this is the email from, it was the guy, the answer where we gave, you got to earn this booty.

You got to earn this booty. And this is the thing that they do on Car Talk, which I model everything that we do after as much as I can. Right. They will follow up with someone who they've given advice to and ask if they were correct. Right. So we we this kid asked a girl out a couple times and she said no and he asked us should we should we ask him out

ask her out again and i and we basically said no she already said no a bunch of times and then we got into this this bit about how maybe a girl just keeps saying no because she's telling the guy that he's got to earn this booty but uh in fact, that's not the case. If somebody says no to you many a times, it's time to pack it up. Right. You don't want to make her feel uncomfortable. So he said, he responded, or he emailed us in and gave us this follow-up to our advice. And he said, hey, guys, I heard you guys were thinking about doing a where are they

now episode you called me gunther to preserve my anonymity and gave me some fake advice about dealing with a girl you told me that i was being a stalker and made it clear that i couldn't earn this booty turns out you were correct but there's a silver lining to the story i cried in front of her and less than a week later she sent me an apology text for the way she treated me now it's awkward between us and i still can't get over her but at least i'm feeling better do you know what silver lining means gunther what is what that is so ridiculous there's a silver lining to the story. I broke down in front of her.

I wept openly in front of the girl that I liked. And not one, two, three, or four, but five days later, she finally reached out and said she was sorry. So, yeah. Oh, and don't worry. It's weird between us now. I assure you, to make matters better, it's weird. So just to recap, they were big fat tears in front of the girl I liked, a delayed apology text, and now lasting awkwardness. So at least I have that going for her why is this a

silver lining this guy really didn't understand silver linings playbook this is how did it start um turns out you were correct but there's a silver lining to the story this is so real why are you feeling better at least i'm feeling better everything went as bad as it could you cried in front of her i guess it's nice to purge your feelings i'm really happy that um it worked out at least uh in your eyes yeah at the very least you think you did a good job i love gunther dude i think you're great man i'm not trying to be a jerk i uh i mean shit silver lining where where is it uh man we have good news and bad news actually the bad news is i feel like you're gonna die in the next week but there is a silver lining to the story it's going to be painful and difficult anyway i'm dr gunther and you can call me later

at least i'm feeling better about things. He must hate silver. He must think silver is a terrible thing. Silver lining is a bad thing. Yeah. The worst thing of all is that there's a silver lining. Jesus. He's more of a gold fan. I'm feeling like gold.

24 karat gold. Slick brick gold. So fresh. We really shouldn't sing songs that we don't know the lyrics to yeah good call uh so if you if we gave you advice in the last 40 episodes uh please let us know how we did if you followed it or not and uh we'll call it the follow-up pup we probably won't call it that okay i would just imagine that we wouldn't. Yeah. Would you say? Or did you like, did you think follow-up pup, ow, ow, ow, was like a good thing?

I thought it was good until you made fun of me and then I realized it was. I think they call it on Car Talk, stump the chump. Yeah. Oh, that's what you told me. That's why we came up with follow-up pup because I was like, wait a minute, stump the chump does not make sense for what it is. It's true.'s not something though it is it absolutely is all right don't bother looking it up and tweeting at us or emailing us please thank you yeah to do you um once again happy thanksgiving happy hanukkah absolutely happy thanks Happy Chag Sameach. Chag Sameach. Chag Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving. Those are like two of the most gluttonous holidays. For them to overlap like this is like a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. That's on point. Shit's going to get greasy and full. Yeah, Hanukkah is already the Thanksgiving of Judaism. Before it happened during the Thanksgiving of America, I mean, there's not enough food there's not enough food in the world i'm gonna eat a lot the weird thing about thanksgiving is that i always eat a lot and so

every meal feels like thanksgiving to me right you always overeat yeah i've never seen you just eating appropriate right i'm not and if anything during thanksgiving i don't eat a lot as much as i usually do because i don't like turkey you don't like turkey it's okay it's pretty much i mean i wouldn't want to eat oh yeah indians pilgrims the turkey was definitely deece okay that was a good idea but i would have preferred a rack of lamb yeah still into corn still into stuffing, mashed potatoes, yams, still cool. They're all good.

Yo, how about meatloaf instead of turkey, boss? Huh? Huh? That's the sound a turkey makes. All right, should we get to the last question here? Yeah, why not? All right. People got a feast to get through here.

So this one comes from someone we'll call Sebastian. Sebastian writes, Hey guys, I'm a huge fan of the show and need some help. I'm thinking of using that Tinder app you guys always talk about, but I would only use it to sext girls and talk dirty. I wouldn't use it to actually meet in person with anyone because I already have a girlfriend, but just want some excitement on the side.

Do you think this is a good idea? Or is it cheating on my girlfriend even though I'm not physically cheating? Thanks for any advice. Love, Sebastian. Yeah, I would call sexting with other girls cheating, bud. Do you think this is a good idea? Do you think it's good to cheat on my girlfriend?

This is a good idea. It's actually a terrible idea because let me tell you what, number one, Tinder's not about sext idea. It's actually a terrible idea, because let me tell you what. Number one, Tinder's not about sexting. Nobody's sexting on Tinder, as far as I can tell. Yeah. I don't think that you are going to get into a sexed relationship right off the bat. Also, you're matched with mutual friends of your friends. They know that you have a girlfriend.

It will get back to your girlfriend. Right. And then your excuse of, don't worry, I only wanted wanted to sext them doesn't carry much weight sext uh don't worry i would just use it to talk dirty to girls you're such a scumbag dude yeah don't worry i only wanted to emotionally cheat on you you know the more damaging kind god it's so foul you just want to tempt yourself and you know oh maybe i will meet someone who's prettier and funnier than my girlfriend. And suddenly, oh, my relationship is weakening because of it. This is sort of interesting, though.

This I think is in line almost with the porn thing where it's like, is it cheating? If I'm like if I'm like getting off to watching other people nude having sex, is that so different than me like getting off to texting with somebody yes because it involves somebody else what if i find what if it's like a live cam girl who's like a paid stripper but i'm like texting or i'm like chatting with her on like someone on one of those like nude cam. I think that's closer towards the emotional cheat of tindering, but not quite there. Because that cam girl, odds are she won't have a crush on you. Oh, I see.

So you're saying if there's a chance of a reciprocal... Yeah, if it's being reciprocated, then suddenly it's like, oh, now I'm in a relationship that's not with you. Right, that's not like, oh, my boyfriend's just going to fap to some nameless, faceless asshole somewhere it's like and then this is like okay you shared something you like got off with somebody else it's the equivalent of like

if you go to a strip club that's sort of cheating but not really because the girls are like not interested on you right i will go but i was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt sir you are a dirtbag you should not be in a relationship also it's not fair to the other girls on tinder that like match with you talk to you it's like oh don't worry i'm only doing it to tease you right that's not fair yeah it's just bad all around it's a bad bad idea you are a bad man you get you get coal on christmas now although maybe oh maybe all right let's zoom out a little bit zoom out Maybe his relationship isn't going so well if he's considering doing this, and maybe he should be on Tinder because he should be in a relationship with somebody else. Well, if that is the case, then he should not be in a relationship,

and then he should get on Tinder. You can't do it the other way around, buddy. So if you're really eager to tind, you should break up with your girlfriend. Yeah. And if you can handle not tindering, then stick with your lady. Right. If you want to go on a Tinder bender. A Tinder bender.

You can't let this relationship linger. And if you want to binge on Hinge. Tinder bender, you got to binge on Hinge and OKCupid. What was it? OKCupid, I'm so gay, stupid. Did we say that on a podcast already? Yeah, I think we said all this before. Ta-da.

Listen, it's a Thanksgiving special. So, yeah, any other advice for this guy? No, I would say get out of your relationship or at the very least don't download Tinder. It's that easy. There you go. Tinder is not for people who are in relationships. Yeah. It's barely for people who are not in relationships.

When we were on tour, somebody was like, yo, Tinder owes you money because I am obsessed with it and I'm like, oh, fuck Tinder. Yo, pay me, man. Why would they ask you?

You're already... I'll never talk about it again. You will definitely talk about it again. I can't wait until the next big Tinder thing comes out. Oh, man. That'll be soon. You are... How is your Tinder going?

I'm swiping and sometimes matching and sometimes chatting, but I have yet to meet up with someone. All right. It's tough. I'm very all over the place. It's hard to find me in the same city for two nights in a row. You get a match in Chicago and then you're in

Philadelphia before you know it. I get a match in Philadelphia and then Burlington and I just can't figure out where I'm going to be. In fact, I keep moving. I don't even feel like I'm with anyone anymore. He's crying. You're with me. Come here. We're together. We're together me. You're with me. Come here. We're together.

We're together always. Always. My dad opens the door. Jerome, I'm sorry. All right. Let's end on that kind of creepy tone, actually. Yeah, absolutely. It was creepy. Thanks again for listening to the show, spreading the word.

We appreciate it. We love you guys. Truth. And keep emailing us your problems that email address again is if i were you show at gmail.com we're still accepting theme song submissions that first one was from a guy named john galantis and this next one is from somebody named torin t-o-r-i-n oh what did you send me about um the cup song we call that woman sheldon oh yeah we called her sheldon but it was not from sheldon. Oh yeah, we called her Sheldon,

but it was not from Sheldon. No, it was actually, she said, thanks so much for having my song play at the beginning of your video. The song was sung by Sophia and it was written by Sheldon. So if we could, yeah, plug Halifax Studios YouTube channel.

There it is. So thank you, Sophia and Sheldon, for doing our last week Err On Monday's episode Theme song So uh Yeah

I'm glad we got to Correct that Once again Happy Thanksgiving Happy Hanukkah Happy Holidays Thank you so much Hey

You're the best Alright We love you Ciao Bye Ciao Ciao baby Ciao

Italian Jerry Seinfeld Ciao Bella When you're sitting alone Ciao, bye. Ciao. Ciao, baby. Ciao. Italian Jerry Seinfeld. Ciao, Bella. When you're sitting alone at the end of the street and you don't know where to go. You're getting sick of the same old shit on late night talk radio. You're messed up and you don't know how to patch

it up again Just write an email to a file you show and you will find a friend Cause if I were you If I were you If I were you

I'd pour my heart out in that letter and send it to those Jews. Cause if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd send that email to Jake and Amir and they'd tell you what to do. That's it. That was our show. Thanks again to Hulu Plus for sponsoring this. You know, Hulu Plus lets you binge on thousands of it TV shows anytime, anywhere on your TV, PC, smartphone, or tablet. So to help us again, go to huluplus.com forward slash Amir for your free extended trial. Thanks, y'all.