Segments - 410: Airdrop Flirting

Episode Date: November 25, 2019

In this episode we discuss commitment issues, flirting on a subway, and office Crocs. For more IF I WERE YOU check out bonus video Thursday episodes on our Patreon.com/JA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it 091 3662 yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, dude. That fucking pumped me up. That got me amped. I'm ready to start the fucking podcast. That's what I needed.

I played the closing one by accident. The opening one was this kind of acoustic thing that I whipped up late last night. Just joking. That was Brent Miller from San Marcos, Texas. Okay. Yeah.

That was a remix of the OG. That's right. It's a punk cover of the most genius theme song that's ever been played in the first five minutes of the first episode of an advice podcast on the internet hosted by amir and jake if you can shout out my band kairos and the insta is at k-a-i-r-o-s-7-8-6-6-6 and then he says i'm the one with dreads and my girlfriend is a fellow fan ciara very so I think the band is just him with dreads and his girlfriend, Ciara. That sounds like a cool band that I want to go check out next time I'm in Texas.

I'm hearing good things about San Marcos. It's kind of like the new Austin. Really? Where is San Marcos? It's like 20 miles south of Austin. So for all the people who are like, Austin's getting too commercial. This is like the Bushwick to Austin's Williamsburg. That's cool.

That's San Marcos. Anyway, that's where we're building up our next HQ. As of now, we're still in Brooklyn. Yeah, HGTX. That's next. I also want to do HGUK, you know? Because a lot of people are bi-coastal, but I'd like to be tri-coastal. What's the coast in Texas?

I guess the Gulf? Yeah, the Gulf of Mexico. And then if we do... We have to... Head Gulf. Yeah, the Head Gulf. And then if we do UK, we can be quad-coastal. That's cool.

Which I think is the only quad-coastal podcast network. I mean, I think if we did tri-coastal, we might be the only ones. Yeah. I bet like fucking Wondery has a Chicago office. Yeah, but that's not a coast okay well it's the coast it's the coast of uh it's the coast of lake michigan is all is that a coast or does that have to be a coast it's by the water isn't it yeah or is a coast

have to be an ocean this is great fodder we could just keep guessing or i can look it up um i'll i'll say i i'll guess that it is a coast. Coast, oh, it can be any body of water, not just the ocean? I don't know any body of water, but I'll say that big lakes can be coastal. Okay, coast definition. I'll say ocean only. Yeah, I basically agree with you, but I'm just playing double-tack. You want to switch it up?

No, yeah. You should have stuck with your guns because it's the part of the land near the sea so it doesn't have to be the ocean we'll see oh i guess sea though yeah so the real question is if the lake counts but see mediterranean all right see what is the difference between a sea and an ocean and a lake is it just size is it sea i see oh it's salt water right it's fresh water see, oh, it's saltwater, right? It's freshwater and saltwater. No, that's the only difference?

I don't know. I would think it's size. Let's see, sea versus ocean. Oh yeah, maybe size. Versus lake. Yeah, at Autofield. They know what people are looking up. No one listening to this podcast is interested, but I am.

Oh, you're sort of right. A lake water can be salty or fresh. The difference between a lake and a sea is that a sea is open to the ocean and at sea level. Lakes don't have a direct outlet to the sea and so can be above or below sea level. The Dead Sea is below it. But is the Dead Sea attached to an ocean? That is the only reason why I didn't say it's attached to an ocean? That seems like a lake. That is the only reason why I didn't say

it's attached to an ocean. I didn't think it was, unless they're like, yeah, because there's a lake that flowed through it and went to the ocean or whatever. Maybe at some point. That's cheating. The Dead Sea is cheating.

Sorry, scholars. This is the Dead Lake. I won't have it anymore. Trust me, I've been studying this for 95 seconds. It's Blumenfeld's time to weigh in. This is a lake. This is a lake. You're a river now.

Alright, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake, and I think this is now a pondcast. Really? Yeah, we're talking lakes, ponds, rivers, and streams. Anybody water will do. You send in your queries, and we'll name it an ocean, a lake, a pond, a river, a stream.

A puddle. A bayou. Or a bayou. Can't be a swamp, but it can be an open lake. All right, we got some questions not about water, if you can believe it. I don't know why yeah well we only announced that there were a podcast today so all right questions will start rolling in here's one that's pretty crazy with regards to you uh we'll call this guy what's your dad's name

sam sam writes i'm a 36 year old clinical psychologist and married father of two boys four and eight in in South Louisiana. Recently, my wife and I decided to have a third child. In an unexpected turn of events, we are now expecting triplet girls. Hey-o! No fertility treatment, just a crazy expensive gift from God.

Yeah, gotcha from God. I know Jake comes from a family with triplets, and his mom seems to be such a wonderful soul. What advice would y'all give a father expecting triplets? I'm worried about being able to cultivate close, individualized relationships with each kid.

What was it like in your family of triplets? Any pearls of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. P.S. My four-year-old is named Micah. Whoa! Yeah. That's cool. So he's got two kids and then triplets, which is exactly what your parents did. And one of the kids is named Micah. Older brother, younger brother named Micah, and then triplet girls. Yeah. So we're really close to being parallel here. It's also funny because my parents had me and my sister and then tried to

have a third kid and had triplets yeah and then micah was a little mistaken after that so you never know you never know yeah let's tie your tubes you might have another this guy has to wait six years and have a sixth child to pull off the full her wits yeah that's crazy which has got to be the most rare occasion in the history of baby making yeah that that there's after the triplets after have five, there's like a... One more bonus. Why not? Let's add one more. The difference between five and six can't be that much.

I guess you can't speak to raising these triplets, but maybe you do have some insight as to like, how did you guys individualize them? At what point do you know that they have different personalities? Power dynamics. Yeah. Honestly, I don't think we did... What I remember is the triplets were often dressed in the same clothes, had the same haircut. It was like... The opposite. Yeah.

They tried to treat them as one child who split into two. And for a long time, we'll be like, where's Hannah, Micah, and the triplets? I wonder if that affects them. They sometimes... I think it's just like anything like they would get annoyed growing up and but now they like really cherish their close relationship there's not like ties they don't i'm very close with my brother and like but no one will have the bond that the triplets have they're're like, they do, they like feel things that happen across like state lines. Without telling?

Like, whoa, did something just happen? Yeah. Like they'll call, like, are you okay? It's like, oh no, I had a really bad day or something. Like. Wow. That's at least what they say. Telekinetic.

Yeah. And if they, they believe that they at least like feel closer. Wow. Yeah. You'll never be like, I have a headache, Micah. Is everything fine? Yeah. Just the fact that he's asking this kind of stuff means he's going to be a good

dad, I think. Yeah. Cultivate close individualized relationships. I mean, I think that the triplets, for as much as we push them around in a three-person stroller, they have like very distinct individual personalities and i would imagine as like i guess i do it as a brother and

well i do it as a brother now and my parents could probably do it too like liza likes gymnastics so it's not like okay all the triplets will do gymnastics yeah and like sarah sarah was a great runner and well she still is but so you so they would support her her hobbies her passions rachel loves music so they bought her a piano like yeah there and there were there were ways that they individualized themselves but they also stayed close and my mom gave him the same haircut all the time so that was nice also if you're a clinical if you're a clinical psychologist maybe you can conduct little experiments on these little twerps so like nature versus nurture debates can be settled once and for all i don't like if you home school child one which you'll call one and you home brew the other and the other two are sent to a public and a private school you can sort of chart their

educational development over lucy is kept under the and fed sardines through a little slot. Well, I would call them one, two, and three. Oh, okay. So as to not give them a personality or name, a life of their own almost. Well, so you would send like a young girl to private school with no name? You know, the name is two. Yeah, almost like like almost make her feel as though she is a experiment right which is interesting because she is getting the best end

of like she's going to the the ritziest school yeah she's being treated like a little princess for sure and then there's one that's kept under lock and key at home. Yeah, and she'll be homeschooled by me. At home drooled. The problem for me is learning this shit again. Like, when a second grader is learning history and you don't know that, you have to teach yourself late at night. You're going to homeschool somebody, but you don't know any. Like, you had to just Google what a sea was versus a lake.

But it would be a lot like that. You didn't know what a sea or versus a lake. But it would be a lot like that. You didn't know what a sea or a lake was. But the child at home or one wouldn't know about the internet until she was 20. 20? Yeah, so I sort of... You're sadistic. Yeah, I keep her sheltered in a way

so that she thinks I'm thinking, but I'm actually Googling. But she doesn't know what Googling is because she's never been exposed to a smartphone. Yeah, so you seem like a god-like character. Yeah, I'll say. I mean, you're more of a Satan because you're keeping her. I keep on, I'll have to hold my answer key,

and that's this orb, my iPhone, but she doesn't know about that. And I sort of squeeze it. You can tell her anything. You're calling it an orb. Yeah. It's just a phone. A knowledge orb. And I'll hold it to my forehead, but sort of cheat it out so I can read it.

One second. A C is a mass. Sorry, our internet. Or not internet. Fuck. One, close the door. She would still think you were dead. Or dumb.

She would still think you were dumb. And she'd be right. Is he asking how they have relationships with him or how they have good relationships with everyone in the family because i mean i think he means individualized relationships with each kid right like not treating them like one lump sum yeah but it's hard not to just give them all the same clothes the same haircuts like you did or your parents did yeah i i really think that a lot of the the stuff think that a lot of the stuff that we, a lot of the stuff like that was just seen as,

it was like, they didn't have any time. There were six kids. So like I ate a lot of frozen microwave food, but it wasn't like I was being mistreated. There was just no time. I liked kid cuisine. I did love my little frozen drumsticks. They were good. And I want to eat them now again.

I want to eat a brownie that you have to microwave next to corn, next to Salisbury steak. The one thing that we always got in trouble for was if we weren't being nice to our, my sisters and my brother. That was always a requirement. Spend time with them and be nice to them. Yeah. You hear a lot about like sibling rivalries like oh i hated my brother growing up or i hated my sister yeah and like sometimes my brother annoyed me a lot but like i wouldn't get in trouble if i got bad grades maybe i should have but i and i wouldn't get in trouble if i like um lit off fireworks in the backyard but i would get in trouble if i like wouldn't let my brother hang out with me. That's what I got in trouble for. I think it was nice.

Now we're all very close, which is healthy and nice. Yeah, I wonder if that's because of the rules that were stated as a child. Or in spite of them. Yeah. I have no idea. All right, here's a question about a Starbucks airdrop. We'll call this guy Howard Schultz. Howard writes,

Hey, you tits. this one's short and sweet. I'm in college and I'm currently doing homework at a Starbucks and I got an airdrop that simply said, my number is blank, the actual number. My airdrop doesn't have a picture on it and I hadn't talked to anyone at the Starbucks. So there's no way anyone knowing my name in order to choose my correct airdrop.

Similarly, there's no way to know who sent it. So should I respond? It seems a little weird, but I'm a curious person, so I'm thinking about doing it. Have you guys ever gotten random airdrops? Also, what should I say? Thanks a bunch. Howard Schultz. Has that ever happened to you? No. Random airdrop? No. I think I've gotten one, but it seemed to be, it was not like a flirtation it was very it was very much a mistake oh i see airdrop seems so hard and fickle for me to actually manage i can't imagine getting one on by accident like it's hard for me to find my computer or your phone to actually do airdrops i think we just haven't been single in a long time like i could

imagine getting into some kind of airdroppy flirtation for sure. Like sending one, you mean? Yeah. Well, no. I don't think I would. I don't think I have the courage or the gumption or the huevos to pull that off. I think it's almost like a little bit creepy. It's like a little bit of an invasion. Yeah. I'm wondering what yours says because right now I'm pulling mine up, but I don't see anybody else in the area.

You have to have the airdrop open, right? I can't airdrop to you unless your phone is on. Yeah, but if you're in line at Starbucks and everyone's looking at their phone while they're waiting. Oh yeah, I see yours. And it says Jake Horowitz and your picture, but maybe because your picture's in my phone. Yeah, that's why.

So this person, is there a world where this person knew who was receiving the airdrop or did she just fucking blast it out? Or is it even a guy thinking he sent it to a lady? My guess is that it's a thirsty-ass dude who saw a cute girl, and he just sent his number to everyone because he's like, I don't care.

All these other dudes will get it, but so will she, and maybe it'll work. Or sending it to another guy. I'd hate to use heteronormative standards right um i just think that the the quintessential douchey guy will be a dude trying to get pussy got it for sure but anyway uh i do think that it's it's within your rights to respond. Like, you're responding. At the very least, out of fun,

hey, LOL, who did you think you were sending this to? Just like get some more information from this person. Whoever sent it took a much bigger swing. Like, should I respond?

Is like, you have nothing to lose. Also, is it a picture? Is it a picture that says my number is this? It has to be like a note or a picture, right? It's not like a text.

You can't text someone over AirDrop. Right. Yeah, maybe it's a note. I wonder if that happens a lot on the subway here. Yeah, I think it is. I think I've heard that before. Like an AirDrop subway romance. Yeah.

It's almost like a game. I also think it's like people pranking too. Like you can send anything, any photo to anyone. You could send it to like everyone who's on their phone on the subway. Right. You can send anything, any photo to anyone. You could send it to everyone who's on their phone on the subway. Right. You can send a dick pic to everybody in a car. Yeah, if you wanted to. Interesting.

Well, they'd have to accept it. I wonder if it blurs it until you accept. Yeah. I think it does. And what percentage of people accept it? I bet a decent amount because you're kind of curious. I'm kind of turned on just thinking about sending it. You're nasty.

I'm a voyeur of sorts. Oh, sorry. I said that in like a sweet way. You're nasty. Got it. You're nasty. Yeah, like in a bad, nasty way. You're nasty.

Like, you're nasty. So you should respond is what you were saying. I think you might as well. You have nothing to lose. And what would you respond if you got this? What does it say? My number is, and then the number. Cool.

I would say, hey, got your airdrop, dot, dot, dot. Who is this? Question mark. What about got your number from a friend? Parentheses, airdrop. Nice. Nice. Who is this?

LOL. Are you hot to me? I don't want to go on a date with a four. In fact, lose my number. I'll be at Starbucks tomorrow getting a pumpkin spice late. I'm kind of a basic bee around the holidays. What's your face? Airdrop your face?

Airdrop your face to me now. She blocked me. Huh. Weird. That makes sense. Follow up up. Let us know what happened. Text this person and give us an update.

Might as well. All right. Let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a z

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lift. Dude, it's a fight. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Woo-hoo. You know what? I've got some advice.

I have recently purchased a pair of office crocs. Or crocus offs, as I call them. Yes, and that is a very catchy little nickname. How are your Crocus Offs? I've lost my Crocus Offs. I'm in love with them. Meaning? I think they're wonderful.

I think that for anybody that has a standing desk, office Crocs are simply a must. Because why can't you just wear your regular shoes? I think that living in New York City, I am at the height of fashion, the pinnacle of street wear. And I will sometimes wear shoes that are sexy for my commute, but not nice to stand in all day. A fashion over function type decision. Yes. The high heels of normal wear. And even beyond that, when I'm at my standing desk, I have this thing.

I forget what it's called, but it's some kind of like, it's a squishy mat that is apparently designed to resemble the forest floor okay so it's like it's feel it's really soft and squishy but then there's like a couple spots where there's like knots it's almost like you're standing on a mossy ground but you like can feel some some twigs and berries underneath yeah some tree roots yeah like you can step around different parts on this mat and just like massage your feet so it's wonderful to be on that barefoot but then you got to get a soda from the fridge you got to go to the bathroom somebody calls you over to their desk and you don't want to just walk across the the floor in your socks because you have um the crippling pain in your sesamoid do you realize like how many additional things we're adding to life? It used to be you'd go to work and sit down, and it's like, okay, sitting's not good anymore,

so we gotta have the standing desk. If you're at a standing desk, you gotta have the mossy floor. If you're on the mossy floor, you don't wanna just stand with shoes, you gotta get the office crocs for the mossy floor for the standing desk. Can you just get rid of it all and have a sitting desk? I guess you could, and that'd be fine. But I'd still, I think no matter if you have a standing, this is all just my journey to getting the Crocs, because you don't want to like, if you take your shoes off at your

desk and you have to go somewhere, you don't want to put your shoes back on. You want to be able to just slide into something, walk to the kitchen, walk back. So even if I had a sitting desk, I think I like the idea now of taking my shoes off at work and putting on office Crocs. Yeah. So regardless of the sitting or standing situation, it's almost like slippers at home.

Yeah. And I mean, they are pretty atrocious looking. But they are little fleshlights for your feet they are so pleasant to be inside do they make do they make the moccasin version of crocs like you know the kind crocs yeah crocs and of sorts they do like fleece yeah they have fleece lined crocs yeah i mean and crocs aren't the only there's there's other uh great slippers uh but i just i highly recommend it maybe it's not for everybody if you work like on on wall street or or in the state department or something if you work somewhere where you're supposed to be pretty buttoned up but if you have a casual workplace

environment you can't recommend office crocs yeah it's funny to imagine like an episode of homeland where brody is wearing crocs because he's at a standing desk with the mossy floor. I have a meeting with the vice president. Hold on a second. Where are my Crocus ops? Where are they? I'm a Croc lover. Is Brody a good actor?

He's in Billions too, right? Yeah. I think he's a good actor. I don't think right yeah i think he's i think he's a good actor i don't think that he ever had a very interest like he's never had to show range he's always just been a serious man right and i was always floored that he he was so acclaimed in homeland just like okay what you have to do is just keep it all inside yeah that's That's fine. I can do that by accident. He's just kind of quiet and suspicious. The most he's happy is like a wry smile when he's trying to hide something.

Yeah. He's never laughing or like getting a beer with friends, cracking up. Or being intense. He's not really ever yelling. Yeah. It's strange. And then in Billions, he's just always,

he's kind of like a savant businessman who only cares about money and power. Is he a charming, laughing guy in that ever? I guess he's sometimes a charming, laughing guy. But he's not like, I don't think he's like super good. He's kind of just fun to watch. Yeah. Because he's like super rich and he talks in a really gravelly voice. I guess he's better in Billions, actually.

He is British, though yeah so like whenever a british person is playing american just by default he's a good actor right i think i would say i would say that he's good in billions but the character is so like the writing of that character is so one note right it's just like i'm ax all i care about is money and chuck rhodes got it which is kind of what you can say about his character in Homeland. Well, in Homeland, he at least had internal conflict. He had kind of been turned by... Al-Qaeda. And he also was in love with Claire Danes.

Yeah. So there's a little something there. Got it. But I didn't like... TV sucks in general. The only good show out there is Succession. Everything else is bad there's an a and a c of f's i wonder if succession would have ruined like even breaking

bad for me like if succession was on during breaking bad would you like breaking bad's not that good because it's not as good as succession yeah that's a good question i don't know breaking bad was very visually interesting at the very least like some of the greatest shows of all time would be breaking bad mad men sopranos people love a lot though i haven't seen it i still have not seen i've seen i like watched the i think it's i would have equated actually with something like the wire because i love the wire and jill's been re-watching the wire like every once in a while and I don't love watching it. It's just dense.

Well, I don't mind dense. The production value seems so low. Oh, right. It's before HD, before widescreen. Yeah, it's just like, it's really not fun to watch and I think that is sometimes how I feel with Sopranos.

Like I really want TV to look amazing and it doesn't. Right. But maybe, I guess Sopranos is up there but the wire yeah um what do you think succession succession is my favorite but i i wouldn't i wouldn't get mad if somebody had a second or third behind those other shows those are all like a plus shows to me yeah and those shows almost feel like masterpieces succession is only two seasons so so far it's

just been really, really fun. Yeah. None of those shows are as funny as Succession either. That's true. Succession is the funniest show of those. And it's also really dramatic and good. Yeah. It's almost like, what's your preference of style of genre?

Like some people like Mad Men because it's like, oh, I'm nostalgic about that era or I like the idea of like businessmen in the 50s. Yeah. It's like sexy to watch that show. Yeah. But there's not, I don't think I've ever like, things on Mad Men

like made me smile and feel good but I was never like, oh my God. That's hysterical. Draper just said the funniest joke. Sterling was pretty funny.

Yeah, Sterling was pretty funny but even he was just like playing a wacky character. Yeah. Pete Campbell never made me LOL. Except for when he was eating cereal,

watching TV. All right. That show is great. No, you're thinking of big daddy actually. Yeah, that's right. All right.

Stemming from now, I think this is a three or four episode long unsolicited advice. The flu shot, which I recommended to you like four weeks ago, which you then said you didn't want to get which thomas joked about creating a super flu uh-huh uh we keep getting emails so i have to stop spreading misinformation okay no one said no one said that we are we're telling it like it is yeah it's if i were you we're allowed to be dumbasses so free to write stop spreading misinformation i get that you guys are kind of joking, but you have a giant platform and you're spreading lies when vaccines are already under attack and mistrusted.

I really expected you to do better. So how about this? I'll fucking read your email. That's the best we can possibly do. You're getting your message out there, Frida. The main problem with someone like Jake. I didn't do anything! Exactly, that's the problem.

Not getting the flu vaccine is that even if he is healthy enough to fight off the disease successfully, while his immune system is fighting it off, he can still incubate and spread the virus. By not getting the vaccine, he is putting other people with weaker immune systems, i.e. children and the elderly, at risk. This is especially a concern because he lives in a place like New York where lots of strangers are crowded together in confined spaces. So basically, you can have the flu and give it to other people, or you can get the flu shot, which would prevent you. And if enough people got the flu shot, getting the vaccine means you contribute to, quote, herd immunity, keeping others safe, even if you personally don't believe you need the extra protection.

So there, that's the end of the debate. And I won't even accept a rebuttal. Well, I would love to go through the emails and see if anyone else wrote in agreeing with me. Like if any anti-vaxxers out there think it causes autism. Me and Jenny McCarthy. So, lastly, and I've said this from day one,

get a flu vaccine, but are you willing to go on record and saying you'll get one now? I'm willing to go on record and admit that it's probably good. Okay? Probably. Fine, everyone should get it.

Fuck it. What do I care? Everyone should get it. Thanks, do you what do i care everyone should get it thanks man that means a lot all right we're going to cvs right now i didn't say i'd get it i don't care about the herd as long as enough people get it i'll be fine i don't hang out with elderly folks it's just everyone but me needs to get it all right let's try to answer another question um oh this is funny relationship advice from a sweet lady in St. Louis. Ooh, St. Louis. We'll call her Marge, a sweet lady name.

I'm a 24-year-old living in St. Louis and have been dating my current boyfriend for the last five years, and we've been friends for 10. He is Latvian, like Kristaps Porzingis, and moved here for college, but got a job afterwards in St. Louis. We've lived together for two years of dating, but he works an hour away. So last year we started living separately. To me, our relationship is great. We make jokes and get along. We're very independent of each other. We love living together. But after dating for five years, he still says, I don't know when I ask him if he can commit. I have been giving him months to think about it, because if we decide we want to be together,

our future would be a lot easier. I could get him a green card. Then we wouldn't be stuck living in St. Louis, where he has a work visa. Should I just end it? I don't want to be sitting around waiting for him to maybe want to be with me. Or should I stick it out, because he's awesome. Also, he listens to your show so he'll hear your advice if you tell me to break up with him it'll be a lot easier

because i won't have to tell him myself whoa lol my god wait so it's five years 10 years of friendship five years of dating and then when she says do you want to commit to me he says i don't know what is committing me i think that's the problem. Maybe he thinks that means marriage. And he's like, whoa, I don't want to commit forever. And she's like, I just want to be exclusive together for the next foreseeable future. Yeah. Part of me feels like I need to know.

I need a little bit of clarification on what commitment means. But I'll also say that five years is like you have to make up your mind. At that point, you should know everything you need to know right there's I mean I understand there's ambiguity in this email but there should be no ambiguity in your relationship after five years but what about the ages of 19 to 24 you're still sort of changing and evolving so like every five years is not the same there there she's 24 right yeah she 24 now. So they started at age 19. I see.

I understand a little bit better now than I think. I mean, I definitely still think there should be no ambiguity. So if you're saying like, I need you to commit to me and whatever that means, and he's saying no, then there's a lot of pressure knowing he's listening. You're breaking up with someone. Well, it's hard because I don't know what committing means. Yeah, and maybe they don't know. Maybe they're not on the same level about what that means.

If she's like, I want to be exclusive, and they haven't been exclusive for five years, and he's like, I'm not sure, then fuck that. Then she should break up with him. Yeah. It seems like they've already, quote, committed in that they're dating for five years and live's like i'm not sure then fuck that you know then she should break up with him yeah uh it seems like they've already quote committed and that they're dating for five years and live together for part of it i think i mean if it's about if it's about marriage then i think not wanting to get married when you're 24 is completely valid right um and if it's about

i think basically if it's about anything shorter than just being exclusive i think i think him being reticent is valid okay how about we don't break them up yet all right we don't break them up yet but they should have a conversation about what this commitment means to them yeah whether it means a lifetime guarantee starting now which is like the most extreme version like let's get married today or is Or is it like, let's, I can commit to the next year, two years, five years. Remember you said once that like marriage should be like a term.

Or it's like, yeah, I'm committing for four years. Like it's crazy to commit. I've known you for four years and I have to commit for 80? Yeah. That seems like,

you wouldn't do that in professional basketball. Was this before I was married? Yeah, probably. I couldn't imagine so. Of course. Because now lifetime seems pretty damn good. If anything,

it's too short. I want to be with her for. It wouldn't match itself. Of course. Because now Lifetime seems pretty damn good. If anything, it's too short. I want to be with her for eternity. Bip. Help. I think that the commitment, what you need to do is commit to having a convo.

Okay? Nice. Commit to the convo. Convo commitment. And there's, I think the relationship has to work for both of you guys. It sounds like it's good

for the dude because he's hanging with you and he doesn't have to quote unquote commit to whatever you're asking him to commit to. But if he continues to do that and you've been with him for five years and you're not getting the thing that you want, which is some certain type of commitment

that is a little ambiguous from your email. But you don't have to stay in a relationship like that that's making you unhappy yeah and then she says p.s i'm good at remembering everyone's birthdays like you amir so that's cool so maybe you could be with her i mean should i like we already have that she's young she's 24 and you're like 48 or something i'm not 48 i'm 47 going Going on 50. And I'm nifty. And I actually smoke cigars now. And I have triplets. One, two, and three.

In fact, I want to have triplets with you. Everything else won't do. A twins would have to be discarded. It's not even close to being enough. I need to have three for me. 3X on the day. All right. We don't have three for me. 3X on the day. All right. We don't have time to answer one more question,

but maybe time to give a little bit more of unsolicited advice. I know you had one about overnight oats that you wanted to share. You're stealing my shit for next week, Blooms. I got a good one for next week, too. Oh, okay. All right, fine. I'll mention overnight oats as well. Okay.

I have, for the last couple, I've been missing cereal for a while. Yeah, cereal is really good. And oatmeal is, I just find it, I don't have a microwave, so I find it a little annoying to make. Yeah. I have to put it into a pan and heat it up. Yeah, boil milk and or water. And then scrape the pan. It's just not fun.

It's hard to clean. You got to clean it right away. That dried oatmeal, even for 20 minutes, that's like scrape the pan it's just not it's hard to clean you got to clean it right away that dried oatmeal even for like 20 minutes it's like that's part of the pain and i like and i like to i like to eat and go i don't like to i don't sit with breakfast you know got it um so i've been doing this thing where i just pour cold milk into oats and eat it as cereal okay which is what as my wife told me not really good for your digestive system because it's undone oats yeah it's dry oats plus milk it doesn't taste very good either of course i'll like pour some fruit in there a little scoop of peanut butter it's fine but it's not good okay um and then the other day i made that i i put my oats in my milk what kind

of milk um i do the almond milk in there um and then and then i was about to eat it and jill was like oh i made you breakfast and she had made me like something way better so i so i put it in the fridge you're acting like you invented i oats. I've backed into it. I've known about them. And everyone tells me how easy they are and that I should do it. And I just never remember at nighttime to do that. But this time, it was 24-hour oats because it was morning to the next morning. And I had them the next day.

Because the oats sort of take in the milk and become a mushy milk of sorts. It was so fucking good. Because I also don't love when oatmeal's hot. I like it to- Cold mush. Yeah. I kind of like it to taste a little bit like cereal. Yeah. So I had these overnight oats with a banana and some peanut butter, and it was phenomenal.

And then you're like, I'm going to just keep doing this, but not by accident anymore. Yeah. Now I do it on purpose, and it's great. It's such a like, I'm going to just keep doing this, but not by accident anymore. Yeah. Now I do it on purpose and it's great. It's such a... What kind of jar are you using? I just pour it in a bowl and then I eat it straight out of the bowl. Interesting. I put it in the bowl.

I'm going to eat it out of in the morning. And in the morning, I cut up a banana, scoop of peanut butter, eat it, done in five fucking minutes. Why is that better than cereal though? Well, I think that it's a little healthier. I guess it depends on the cereal. Yeah, I don't know what... Like it's healthier than Frosted Flakes.

Yeah, I think it's healthier than most cereal that I would eat or buy. Maybe it's not... I don't know what else is healthier than oatmeal. Right, but it also tastes so good that you don't mind that it's a little bit unhealthy as long as it's mostly healthy. I don't think it's unhealthy. But I bet it's not as as healthy as like those giant wheat cereals where you just sort of break giant logs of salty wheat and then eat that with food.

I think it is because I like those wheat cereals. Really? But I mean, maybe. If wheat cereal's healthy, then I would probably start eating that. Forget everything I said about overnight oats. I didn't know everything I like is not healthy. Right right but i do like overnight oats so all right maybe it is healthy what do i know i'm just a dumbass with three kids looking on the gulf uh all right that's it that's our episode thanks so much for listening if you have your own questions or theme songs send them

on down to if i were you show at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Brent. Remember that amazing what would you call it? Punk something or other? Pop punk cover of the greatest song of all time, I think you mentioned. Punk cover indeed. And this closing one is written by

I believe his name is Connor. Con Con. Yeah. I made a theme song. It turned out very good. Really good stuff here. Love the Connor. Con Con. Yeah. I made a theme song. It turned out very good. Really good stuff here. Love the show. Thank you.

No, really. Thank you. Please plug my website. I look like Daniel Radcliffe dot com, which is funny because sometimes people tell me I look like Daniel Radcliffe dot com. I should have fucking squatted this domain when I had the chance. All right. Thanks, Connor. Thanks, Brent.

Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next chance. All right. Thanks, Connor. Thanks, Brent. Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. Happy Thanksgiving. Oh, yeah. Bye, everybody. Because you have to do some fucking weird things. So this guy can kind of... I heard you got some news, got the blues, got a qualm.

You better listen in to the words of this song I got these two friends, they can't do no wrong It's Jake and Amir in New York like in Kong Jake's got a baby and her name is Rhiannon Became a dad without trying or planning Being a dad is a little bit neat, oh clean and cool Like a little bit of sleep though Getting advice from a dad in a road

And coming like an aardvark so cold and potent It's all up on my sheets, cold as ice Better give my mom some unsolicited advice Chicken and me, chicken and me, chicken and me now Chicken and me, chicken and me, chicken and me now Chicken and me, chicken and me, chicken and me now Chicken and me, chicken and me, chicken and me now If I were you show at gmail.com. Heck yeah.