Segments - 411: Sick Lightning Round

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

In this episode, we may have the common cold, but we answer as many questions as we can about our style, our burps, and our fourth favorite ice cream flavor.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N dot com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra

when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Drop the line into an advice show. If they don't get it, then they don't get it. Need an answer that maybe they'll know. If they don't get it, then they don't get it. Hear my sign for a minute Beginning to make fun of the pain that I am now living What if their edify sucks?

What if they give no fucks? Oh, what am I to do? They're making fun of me Only if I were you. What if I get the Game Boy? What if they're both too coy? Leave a wreck out with Jews. You're making fun of me.

Only if I were you. That was only the half of it. Really? That's right. I'm going to play the end of it at the half of it. Really? That's right. I'm going to play the end of it at the end of the show. It was too good with too much to go. Too good to be true. That was a five for fighting what if parody that he thought fitting because it has the

line, what if I were you right in the actual song? Oh, yeah. Shout out to, I guess you can direct people to my band camp where I record real songs. Chris Byerly. B-Y-E-R-L-Y dot bandcamp dot com. Or you can check out my old band, Silver Fleet's band camp at silverfleet

dot bandcamp dot com. Okay. He goes on to say, if people want to check out something really cool, my previous employer, Meathead Movers, who supply people with free moves out of domestic violence situations, set up a campaign called Move to End DV at movetoenddv.org. It's a great way to let people in domestic violence situations, both men and women, know that there are a ton of options and ways to

get help he only gets one plug you did band camp okay we'll edit that whole thing out the yeah the one about domestic violence support what was the name of their thing yeah move to end dv it's a it's a nonprofit yeah to to help people out of domestic violence we're gonna have to edit that out because he already plugged his band camp so let's try to stay focused holy shit you're a bleeding heart capitalist i love that about you you just care about i guess the the final line or the the bottom The bottom line. The bottom dollar. The almighty dollar. All of money and dollar bills.

Last few episodes recorded in New York. This episode recorded in LA. We're all over the place. We're bi-coastal. All over the map, man. Overlapping enough. As soon as I left New York a week ago, eight days ago at this point, I felt pressure in my sinai. Yeah. My ears were clogged. My nose was

watering. My eyes were watering. And then the snot started, the mucus, the headaches, the achy joints. The cold had set in fully by Sunday, Monday. And it took me Monday to Monday, basically now to feel better. As I feel better, you come in today complaining that you think you're getting sick. I think I'm getting your sickness. I think you give me your cold. The cold that I had when I got in LA. You got, you were, I think I noticed you were sick in New York. Really?

But you didn't want to say anything. I didn't. You didn't feel comfortable on the day. I honestly thought I did. I definitely, yeah yeah just it i would have felt comfortable to say something for sure and then i peaced out to la but i had already the damage was done and then you didn't feel it for another 10 days until yesterday yeah i think it just said but i got you i think you got me honestly it's so weird like i felt like i had a mini cold like last week i was like

oh i just need two nights of sleep and i i started to feel like a punch yeah i felt like i was coming down with something i slept i think i got i even got nyquil i like slept and it felt completely fine does nyquil give you extra sleep that you usually don't get? Do you feel that you've had a NyQuil amount of sleep? I think I get a little nervous. I feel a cold coming on and I need to rest, but I get worked up in my head. I'm not going to get a good night's sleep. So it's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I trust NyQuil to knock me out and to give me that nine, nine and a half. That NyQuil. Yeah, that needed nine from the NyQuil. That necessary nine.

Did it give it to you? Did you get that nine? Yeah, it felt better. I really did feel better. And then these last few nights, I'm just like started to sniffle. And I wake up and I'm like, oh, maybe it's just dry in here. Yeah, that's what I said in New York too. It's probably just dry. Yeah. Because it's so cold outside and hot inside and it oh, maybe it's just dry in here. Yeah, that's what I said in New York, too. It's probably just dry. Yeah.

Because it's so cold outside and hot inside, and it's dry when it's hot. Right, and it feels like today I just was, I was attacked by these symptoms, by your cold. I don't think it was me or anything like that. I'll never forgive you. Let's answer some Qs! That's right, it's a bonus

lightning round, recording on a Monday, just to date it. The Peloton ad is viral. Just so you know that we are on top of shit. We are on the day recording, uploading right away. How viral is that Peloton ad? It's the number one trending topic in America on my Twitter. I do think that Peloton

must be happy. There's no such thing as bad publicity style. They uploaded a very cheesy, cringy ad and people are making fun of it to the point where now it's like the most talked about thing. It's the most talked about thing on Twitter.

Like Twitter is such a bullshit, dumb platform. It's a fucking echo chamber, liberal bullshit bubble bitch. But I imagine, I mean like that ad might just play really well

to the majority of people in America and then a minority of people on twitter are like this is dumb right and then yeah everyone agrees there yeah it's i saw somebody said like this peloton ad is not playing well with people who would never buy a peloton yeah who cares what you yeah sure keep making fun of it and then twitter god twitter sucks so much it really goes from like the making fun of it to the making fun of the people making fun of it. It's, it's just a fucking, it's a pinball machine of bullshit.

Actually, one of our first questions is sort of political leaning anyway. We asked for people, for people to give us questions on Twitter. Oh yeah. So we can answer as many as possible. I think that everyone should delete. But before you do delete, feel free to ask us a question. We're going to try to get through as many as possible. And Yoav Pazpriel, by the way, this is if I were you, the only advice show on the internet hosted by us.

I'm Amir. Jake. Yoav Pazpriel writes, favorite 2020 Dem. Let's get political on a Tuesday. On a Tuesday, On a super Tuesday. Do you have any preference between the Dems? I really kind of

don't right now. You just sort of like them all. I mean, yeah. I think they are all so much better than the alternative. Yeah, it's like we're choosing between what's our favorite steak when the alternative is to stick our dick into a frickin' NutriBullet. So it's like, I don't care if you like the T-bone or the ribeye.

Right. I just don't want a tea bag, an active blender. Right. There's one candidate that's sticking your cock in a vice, putting a knife against your taint, and then the other debate is like, how do you like your steak? Right. Health. Everyone's like, okay, we all agree that healthcare is a right that people should have, but like, we have different ways of paying for it. I want to eliminate private

insurance. I don't, I don't know enough about these people's platforms to like get into the minutia of what separates an elizabeth warren from a kamala harris they all seem just smart uh compassionate people to me yeah they're all generally capable i think that like the the thing that's happening is like every you everyone always goes to who's elected like the thing that everyone cares about is beating Trump. Yeah. I think there's, like... Who's got the best chance against Donald. And then I feel like people kind of work backwards.

Like, you think Elizabeth Ward has the best chance for beating Trump, so you're also going to buy into her policies and try to sell people on that. Yeah, it's like, sure, tax the billionaires at 90% for every dollar they've earned above a billion.

That does sound good. And then, like, Cory Booker wants to do a different kind of, like, wealth tax or something. Like he doesn't want to tax the rich in the same exact way. He wants to tax the rich in a slightly different way. Yeah.

And you're like, no, Cory Booker's like he's in the pocket of the capitalists or whatever. Like he's also pretty good. As long as he's anti-kids in cages. Yeah. And everyone's there. so i don't know i don't have a i don't think i really have a favorite because i oh that's the other problem everybody like talks about like who's the most electable and it always tends to be like joe biden who's just the old white guy and you're like oh so like electability is sort of a, it's a coy way of saying not a woman and not black.

Yeah. The younger, whiter, maler, the better. Anyway, Mayor Pete's in the lead so far. I do like Mayor Pete. Nake Dugan Sports asks, how did you two develop a personal sense of style and wardrobe? You know, that's a great question. Remember when we interviewed the Lonely Island and they made the, and they made fun of our clothes for a bunch of it? What did they say, that we dressed alike?

They were like, no, no. They were like, I remember when I used to dress like that. Yeah, and you're like, oh, you guys are three and a half years older than us. I didn't realize there was a difference. Yeah, and that you're making fun of me for wearing baggy jeans, I guess. But everyone was wearing baggy jeans that year. They were on the tight jean tip, I think. I don't know if my personal sense of style or wardrobe has changed in the last 10 years.

I think just general style has changed. Like, I'm still wearing a hoodie and jeans today than I was 10 years ago. But when did you stop buying your jeans boot cut? I remember there were moments when your styles changed for sure. Yeah. I think Marty influenced you in your sneakers. Yeah, sneakers became a Marty influence. Jeans became Marty influenced.

It's honestly probably just all it goes back to when Marty started hanging out with us. Yeah. But now jeans are becoming less skinny. Yeah. But now jeans are becoming less skinny. Yeah. There are always those like trends, for instance, like buttoning your shirt collar all the way up. That was one that I could do. I did that one. Are you still doing that? No. I mean, it kind of depends. Sometimes I'll throw, I'll throw on a top button, but usually. On a polo? Would you top button a polo? I might. Holy shit. I might. I'm not opposed to it.

That's cool. But that's like a fun fashion trend because it's like, it's one you can pull off with clothes you already own. Yeah. Like, I don't think I'm going to. You're wearing a flannel with a zipper. That's a unique decision. I've never seen a shirt like that. It's more like a shirt jacket.

Yeah. A shacket. Yeah. This is a, I like this little jacket. That's a nice layering piece. It is a nice layering piece. And I thank you for that. I think that moving back to New York made me change my fashion game a little bit.

Because you have to wear different styles of seasons. Yeah. And there's like more opportunities to like dress for the elements. Like, oh, it's going to be hot. It's going to be cold. In LA, it's just like always kind of too hot. Well, it's in between like 50 and 100. Yeah.

Not like between negative 20 and 130. Right. But even, I guess like sometimes I feel like even in the winter, LA is like, you should just wear sneakers. You never wear cool shoes in LA. Like I sometimes try to wear cool shoes in New York. Like big leather boots and it's just like 58 degrees and partly cloudy. I would never wear boots in LA.

I always was wearing sneakers. But in New York, I sometimes wear boots. But what was the question? How did we develop our own style? Yeah. Does he mean different from one another or just in general? I think in general. Yeah.

I don't know. I wear what's comfortable, but like nicer versions of that. So whereas I used to buy like Gap hoodies, now I buy like nicer hoodies from Nordstrom's. So it's still a hoodie, but it's like a little classier. Now you wear Vince. Yeah, but it's still a hoodie, but the inside is gray and the outside is blue.

Yeah. Instead of a Jam Sport hoodie. Yeah. I do like hoodies still. And I still like flannels. Nothing's really changed. Lieutenant Lunchables writes, Amir, did you like D&D? I did your Not Another D&D podcast yesterday.

No spoilers, but I recorded an episode. That is right. I didn't realize how numbers heavy the game was. There was so much rolling and so much like up to chance and so much arithmetic happening. Right. I would have assumed that would have dissuaded you from getting into it originally. Yeah. I actually, I really liked the rolling of the die.

It's like you're rolling a dice and then it's like roll two six-sided dies and one eight-sided die and then go to your sheet and add a fourth number to that thing. Right. Well, the modifiers become kind of like second nature like when you're when murph is like roll to see if you hit you didn't know which die to roll yeah but like so if you but if you play you're like i know like i always roll the 20-sided die yeah and then your modifier which is like you were like i have to keep on going back to your sheet but if you play like one or two times, you'd be like, oh, my modifier is.

I know what my modifier is. And then like, as you level up, your modifier goes up. So you're like, if, I mean, like, I think I add either, I think I just said that I, that you know it automatically, but I'm pretty positive I add a 12. Jesus. To whatever my attack roll is. Oh, wow. So even if I roll like a nine, it's add a 12 to whatever my attack roll is. Oh, wow. So even if I roll like a nine, it's like a 21.

Yeah, and if you rolled a 20, that's a 32? Yeah. That's a lot. Well, because I'm level 14. I get better. You get better as you play, so it's more exciting. Like when you're a lower level, you have, I don't know, none of it means that much because you're like, oh, I add four. Right.

I have to roll. Some of it means that much because you're like, oh, I add four. Right. Is that, I have to roll. Some of it was not even adding anything. Right. Because I was a weakling on the day. Yeah. But like the more you, it's interesting because like the more you get to add, like when your modifiers are going up,

you crave those things because it all gets added to your rolls. Right. You're just trying to roll high. Yeah. So it's sort of like that. I mean, I would think that it would help, or that it would tickle something for you

because it's like a little gambly. Yeah, it is. The way you were rolling your dice, it looked like you were playing crap. Seven, a winner. No, it's actually not a lot of damage that you did to the bad guy. So it was a crash course in D&D,

which was interesting. But then it was also, we were being recorded, so I was like trying to be funny as I'm learning this game without ruining the game because I didn't want to just come on there and sort of like ruin the chemistry of the other four people who have been playing for two years straight. Right. It must've been hard for you. Like you, cause you've, have you ever listened to an episode of that show? Uh, yes. The first few. Oh, you did listen to a few? Yeah. Wow. That was really nice of you, man.

Did you listen to it when you knew you were coming on or had you listened before? No, like a year when it came out. Yeah, just because I was so curious, what is Dungeons & Dragons? Right, so did it feel like- But then when you were playing,

it felt so different. Yeah, because I mean, that was like so early in the campaign. We were all such low levels. There isn't really any camaraderie yet. Now we're like, we are all like the, all of us playing are like best friends in the campaign.

There's inside jokes. We were like, so much of our show is also like callbacks and stuff. It was also like inside jokes that you guys were saying so blindly. I'm like, was that a joke? Or is that like just what you call that now? Right. Like when you roll a two,

you say shout out to the two crew instead of two. Oh yeah. So it's like you roll a two you say shout out to the two crew instead of two oh yeah so it's like you rolled and then you went shout out to the two crew i'm like what'd you get stop rolling what did you get grabbing your wrist i think you i want to play uh you held your own though you did a good job that good. I guess the audience will ultimately decide how I did. That episode comes out the week of Christmas. Sweet. But I liked it. I liked playing. Indeed. Does Jake's family, asks Tamir, a.k.a. in Yankees, does Jake's family like Amir more than Amir's family likes Jake or vice versa?

Wait, what is the question? Does my family like you more or does your family like me more? That's a good question. I really think they like us the same. I was going to say your family likes me more. Oh, you don't think your family likes me? I do, but my family is a lot colder than your family. My mom's not going to hug you and be like, I love you so much.

Your mom does hug me and tell me that. Really? Well, over text, yeah. Yeah, she's very emotional and polite over text. It is funny how when she texts me with so many heart emojis and like- Winky faces and wine glasses. Yeah. But then you see her like, how are you?

She's like, good. Who's texting for you, mom? I think, yeah, no, I think your family. Your family is just warmer and has more love in their hearts. Well, not my dad. Yeah. Your dad, my entire family is like your dad. Yeah.

So maybe they love each other. It's an equal amount, but I feel more love because your family is more sweet and overt about it. Right. I mean, my mom, like, yeah, my mom is very, very verbose and declarative of her love. It would be fun if your mom texted like my mom acted. So just like short, sarcastic texts. I could imagine that, but that's also not true. She texts, when, unlike our family thread, she'll send something and as every kid responds, she responds to everyone.

Like, so much love. A lot of heart emojis. Indeed. Let's see, new person. Okay. person okay nicholas pat patrick distweet writes would you rather be able to speak in any language or talk to animals speak in any language or talk to animals that's a good would you rather yeah because they're both great um yeah because like what's more impressive? Probably animals. Cause nobody else on earth can do that. But no one would believe you. Yeah. Like, did anyone believe Dr. Doolittle

could talk to animals? Or were they just like, you're a really intuitive veterinarian. How did you know the ostrich had a flu? It told me so. Even then, like, what would you really glean from animals? Like, because, do you think that the animals

are wise when you're talking to them or do you talk to a chicken and it's just like, I laid an egg! I did an egg! I'm scared of the dog!

Yeah. Do I want to talk to my dog or is it just him saying, food, food, food, food food is that food is that food i have to shit i have to shit i have to shit wake up i want a banana well yeah i guess i'd rather have gone to portugal and been fluent other than hearing my dog say food a lot i think it's probably more enriching to be able to speak any language i'll go speak any language and i'll

go animal because i can monetize that skill. I'm a one in a billion, and you're just a fucking cunning linguist. Any language. I wonder if there's someone in the world that speaks every single language. It can't be, right? No, I don't think so. But like, if you're close, you might as well just dedicate your life to it. Actually, I guess there probably are people that speak in every single language. That's a good question. I'll do a Google search during the break. Does anyone speak every single language?

How random is that? Do another Google search. Can I talk to a pig? How do I know what a pig needs? I want to speak to a pigeon in Japanese. All right, let's take a break. I'll search that. We'll come back with even more lightning round-based questions after this.

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There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not

available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, visionlifters? Yeah, visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. I got some great data just in a few quick Google searches about can anybody speak every language? Let's hear it. The most famous hyper polyglot, polyglot is someone who speaks many languages, was probably Giuseppe Mezzofanti, a 19th century Italian cardinal who is reputed to speak 72 languages. The claim sounds preposterous if you assume each language has 20,000 words, and Mezzofanti could barely, sorry, could remember a word infallibly after meeting it only once. He'd still have to learn a word a minute 12 hours a day for five and a half years.

Not likely. But Mezzofanti was constantly tested by critics and they were all impressed. One even called him the devil because it was on candy skill. Even if the stories are exaggerated. He was such a critic, he thought he was the devil. He was clearly some kind of linguistic superstar. So this guy claimed to have learned 72 languages according to this spinner.cofc.edu. How many languages are there? So that's what I searched too. This guy learned 72 languages. How many languages are there? How many languages do you think? I guess 73. No, I think there's 300.

There are roughly 6,500 spoken languages in the world. However, 2,000 of those languages have fewer than 1,000 speakers. So somewhere in the 5,000 range. That's nuts. I mean, like now if you, knowing that, what do you choose? You still want to talk to fucking seahorses and shit? Or talk to a howler monkey? I guess knowing that, like knowing that the record is somebody heard of somebody knowing 70

and then you're walking in there with seven grand under your belt, some of which are only spoken by 2,000 people on earth. I'd like to talk to a fucking horse. And would you say, like, if somebody's like, what happened? Like, how did you, how did you learn all these languages? Would you be like,

I just woke up and I knew them? Or would you be like, I studied meticulously? I would say, I'm the devil. All right, would you rather know

50 languages or never have a cold again? 50 languages. That's cool. All right, 50 languages are twice as many cold again? 50 languages. That's cool. All right, 50 languages are twice as many colds as you'll have. Wait, so I either know 50 languages or I'll get sick twice as often?

No. I choose the languages. All right. I messed that up, but I have to give it to you. God damn it. Yes. I'm a bad genie. I'm invincible. Yo soy you. God damn it. Yes. I'm a bad genie. I'm invincible.

Yo soy invincible. Your nose is running. Okay, sorry. I gave you the wrong one. Let's see here. What's the most embarrassing way you've ever asked someone out? Says Skaloose. Oh, didn't you just pull this up?

Yeah. The, I sent someone a Instagram DM that we had met on the road saying, do you want to hang out? And then it was like, yes or no, please give me a thumbs up or a thumbs down. It was like a note that I think you and I typed out together, which is awful. Everything's awful because the response was a thumbs down. Right. Of course. Absolutely deserved and earned a thumbs down

for the lengths I went to to send this person a DM. That's a good one that hops off the brain. I don't know. Other than that, do you have an embarrassing moment where you ask someone out? I think there was a time when I used to have this really bad habit of getting drunk and writing a Facebook message to someone. And there's one time that I can remember telling someone at midnight on Facebook that we should go on a date. And then I woke up and I was like, oh, man, I sent that.

And then she had written back and said no. And rather than just take the L, I crafted a response that was like, no big deal. Also, I didn't send that. I didn't send it. I was like, I blamed it on my friend sending it as a goof. All right, I'll go out with you. Really? Fuck.

It was very weird that I tried to weasel my way out of like just just try to save face a little bit just so you know you didn't reject me yeah why because the devil sent that what did i have to gain from that aka me but i'm in a drunken state yeah i feel like there's i've i've asked people out in cringy ways all the time, but the only ones you remember are the ones where they say no. Yeah. Owen, that Cahill kid asks,

what's the best movie you've seen this year? Ooh, you've seen some good ones. I saw Parasite, that was good. I saw The Lighthouse recently, that was fine. I hated Jokeroker of course yeah but one of the best movies i've seen recently was jojo rabbit you i don't remember yeah i love that movie i don't remember other movies i saw like in january and february but i do remember jojo rabbit was great i never remember movies that i saw parasite and i was like thought it was fine but i was mad that people are like it's the best movie of the year like it wasn't it wasn't that good it was

pretty good yeah but now you can't remember a better movie right well only because you said parasite and because i sort of got into a small argument with jill you raised your voice you don't remember a good movie? Oh, didn't you love the Jonah Hill movie? Oh, what? Like mid-90s? Mid-90s? Yeah. Yeah, I was mad that I liked that movie as much as I did.

That was this year, I think. Was that this year? I thought it was last year. I mean, I watched it at home. Yeah. You might have seen it this year. The, like, yeah, like the hero, the kid's hero in that movie gives him like such an amazing moving speech.

Wow. It does such a good job that I was floored that Jonah Hill wrote it because it was like really beautiful. And I hated Jonah Hill for that. You know what movie everyone loves is the Shia LaBeouf movie, Honey Boy. Honey Boy. We should see that. We should. We love Shia. Yeah. The Beef? I guess he wrote

this amazing film about his childhood. That's awesome. Let's see here. But doesn't he play his dad in it? Yeah. Something like that. What race did you play on NADDPOD, writes Martin SPc it's a spoiler don't tell anybody okay how many races are there um i think there's like i mean it depends because like in the main

dnd like the main playable races i think there's like 10 or something i'm not entirely sure there's like the what the standard ones what is yours half? Elf, dwarf, half-elf. Hard one is a half-elf, but originally I was a human. So you can be anything and you chose human? Humans are very well-rounded, cool characters that are awesome. Aragorn was a human. He's pretty damn heroic. Yeah, I guess.

Actually, I'd like to rerecord mine with human. I didn't know that was an option. So now everyone knows you're a human. Enough spoilers, man. Alex Quintana asks, how fast are you guys, mile per hour? Like at running? Yeah, how fast do you, how many miles per hour do you think you can run? I don't know. What's the average?

I think like jogging is six miles per hour. I probably, oh yeah. That's like a 10 minute mile. Right. I guess I, that's about right. I think I run a nine minute mile when I go on a jog. But if you can sprint, what's your max speed? Maybe we can hit nine or 10 miles per hour.

That'd be a fun thing to measure. I can't sprint very, very fast. You could sprint pretty fast. We used to sprint. Yeah, we used to. I don't know if I could do it anymore. Because of your feet? I think I'm just like out of,

out of practice. I, I'm more of a, um, a, uh, what's it called? Like,

distance? Endurance? Endurance, yeah. I'm an endurance athlete. I don't have a lot of explosive power. That's cool. Uh,

NBA. Excuse me, what about you, man? How fast do you think you could even sprint are you more of an explosion 23 miles per hour what it's really good i think that's usain bolt's record something in that lower 20s um if you had to move to the midwest where would it be asks the real days d hayes the real d hayes the midwest so we're talking Michigan, Wisconsin, Illinois, Minnesota,

Minneapolis, Iowa. I like all of those places. I think Michigan. I think Michigan's a cool state. What city? Lansing. That's awesome. You can go to Michigan State University. I think I would do, I really like Ann Arbor. Oh yeah, Ann Arbor is great. I like a good college town. Everyone really rallies together behind something once a week. I feel like Madison, Wisconsin was real nice. Yeah.

Ann Arbor and more than Chicago. I honestly think I would do that stuff over Chicago. Because Chicago's too big, too cold, too windy? Yeah, all of those things. And I'm looking at a quick map. I don't know if, I'm not sure I would do Minnesota. It's too cold, man. Oh, it's freezing.

I think the coldest night I've experienced was Minnesota. I think it was like negative eight or something. And like, I couldn't even wait for a lift outside. Like the Uber was coming in two minutes. Like, I can't, I'm sorry. Yeah. My eyes burned. But I mean, I guess Michigan's pretty damn cold too.

Yeah. I do, I'm more into Wisconsin and Michigan over Chicago, man. For real, for real. And I'll choose Chicago just because I need that big city vibe. That deep dish. I don't even like deep dish. What's a mildly impressive skill you have, writes Frisbee Dick. Great Twitter handle.

You don't think his dick is actually like that? You think it's a disc-like cock? It's a discus dixus? You think his dick is a like that. You think it's a disc-like cock? It's a discus, dixus. You think his dick is a discus? Mild. Did you know I can roll my stomach? Yeah, I did know that.

So roll up, roll down, roll up, roll down. Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty solid. Not solid enough.

What's a mildly impressive skill you have? I can turn my belly button inside out. Squeef me? Like I haven't any, but if I, I don't know if I can still do it actually. Let me see. I can sort of like. Oh, oh my God. It's still going. Jesus Christ. It looks like a double A battery. It's like not connected. Oh yeah. Fucking umbilical cord. Dude, I'm going to tug it. I have to stand up, but I can, I can used to to be able to turn it fully into an outie. Like a pink sock of sorts. Yeah, like I can yank on it, twist it, and it'll stay an outie for like a few seconds.

I can skip it and bop it and it'll stay like. So you can roll your stomach and I can turn mine inside out, man. Oh, your spleen's coming out of your hole. Damn right. Let's see here. Will you and Jake ever go on Hot Ones? Writes TomTroy8. What is Hot Ones? It's that YouTube interview where you are eating super spicy food while it's happening. Oh, I don't think I would do that. But on the plus side, it's a very viral, popular channel. So you can reach millions of people.

But on the bottom side, you'd have to burn your mouth. Yeah. I guess stuff like that always makes me a little sad. It's just like, I don't know, a real star, someone, I don't think they would really do that. You can't really picture Damon going on that. Yeah, but like Paul Rudd was on it recently. He had that very Twitterable moment of, look at us. Did anyone ever think we'd be here?

That was Paul Rudd on the hot ones. That's cool. I guess Paul Rudd can do anything because he's famous enough that when he does something low status, it's cool. Yeah. So he's sort of an everyman. But I think it's, yeah, if you're worried about your status, I think it's a good look career wise to be on the hot ones. But would you be able to handle the heat? I just don't like hurting myself for an interview. I always resent shit like that. Yeah. Especially after the fact. Do something painful for me.

And for what publicity? I have nothing to get the word out about. Brie row your, Brie row yo boat. Brie. Yeah. She chose that name, Brie row yo boat.

Yep. On Twitter, asks, fuck, marry, kill, Kendall, Greg,

and Roman from Succession. And then what game show would you be the best contestant at? Got it. Got it. Got it. Kendall, Greg, and Roman from Succession. And then what game show would you be the best contestant at? Got it. Got it. Got it. Kendall, Greg, and Roman. Fuck, marry, kill. All right, kill.

I guess kill your least favorite one. Well, but it's got to be about like what you want. Kendall is broken. Who would you want to marry, I guess? I'd want to marry Roman. Right, because he's funny on purpose. He's funny. He has direct access to the wealth.

And if you want access, you need Roman's access. And he's also kind of like non-sexual, so I wouldn't have to have sex with him a lot. That's true. And I wouldn't be attracted to him. Yeah, it's like him and Jerry's relationship. And I wouldn't be attracted to him. Yeah. It's like him and Jerry's relationship. And then I guess I'd fuck Greg.

Because he's tall. Because he's kind of soft. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'd kill Kendall. Yeah, I think that's my answer too. Because I don't want to hang out. I don't want to fuck or marry Kendall. Right.

So he gets the kill. Yeah. And I don't want to hang out with Roman the most. And Greg is probably the most attractive of the three? Yeah. I could definitely see that. That's true. What game show would you be?

They're all great, by the way, though. What game show would you be the best contestant at? Price is Right. Oh. Because it doesn't really take that much skill. It's more gut and listening to the audience yell. Higher or lower? Help!

Lower? Higher? Higher or lower? Help! Lower? Higher? Why? I'm scared, Bob. Yeah, the Jeopardy I'd definitely be bad at. Yeah, Jeopardy is really hard. American Ninja Warrior, maybe? That'll be sad.

Compared to the real ninjas that are doing it. What would you be the best at? I think I'd be pretty good at family feud where like we asked 100 people and this is the most popular answer. Oh, yeah. I would be good at family feud too. Yeah. Like what time is dinner? Yeah.

Yeah. Right. What's a good furniture piece to have in a den? Accent chair. No. Fuck. Grandfather clock. den accent chair no grandfather clock I don't know Steve I'm nervous

I said I would be on a different show fuck it always seems easy from your fucking recliner oh that's one god damn it recliner heart shaped box writes they say never meet your Fucking recliner. Oh, that's one. God damn it. Recliner. Heart-shaped box writes, they say never meet your heroes.

Who are your heroes that you don't want to meet for fear of disappointment? Probably a basketball player for me. Right. Because I don't know their personality. Like, what if I meet fucking Lamar Oom and he's mean to me because he's busy and dealing with his own shit and i'm like hello you're the man thanks for the two titles and he's like yeah whatever what but you did meet your hero rick fox and that kind of worked out yeah he was the man that was that was the one example of meeting your heroes that worked out really well. I feel like most of my heroes, yeah, I don't know if I have a hero.

That's cool. I guess your father, right? Yeah, but would he want to spend time with me? I don't know what it'd be like to meet and hang with him my old man um what about a music man a tom delong type yeah i guess if i met tom delong there's a decent chance i'd be disappointed because he'd be like wanting to talk to me about aliens a lot do you think we're alone? Tom. What? Tell me what you were feeling when you wrote Pathetic.

The universe is ever expanding. What are the odds that we're the only ones here right now? That was cool. You're singing a little bit, I guess. No, I'm having heartburn. Hey, mom, there's something in the back room. Can you grab me a Tums, man? You wrote a song about aliens existing.

We should have known. It was called Aliens Exist. Really? Yeah, I don't remember. Is it good? Yeah, it's kind of good. Ollie Swift 182 asks, what's the fourth best ice cream flavor? 182, I love it.

Fourth best ice cream flavor? Goat's chocolate. All the rest are bad. So I'll say number four is fucking mint. Oh no, chocolate, then coffee, then the rest are bad. You don't like strawberry? You don't like vanilla? Gross, no.

Ew. Vanilla ice cream is gross to you? I don't really like the other ones. You don't like chocolate ice cream? I like it in very, very rare circumstances. I don't like ice cream. I'm not a fan. I'll go strawberry as my fourth fave.

Fourth? No. Strawberry is so far last. Vanilla. Vanilla. Because number one is chocolate. Number two is coffee. Number three is cookie dough, number four is vanilla.

Unless you can do milk chocolate or dark chocolate. Cookie dough. Your third favorite is vanilla with cookie dough. Your least favorite is vanilla without cookie dough? Go fuck yourself. Next question. Favorite horror movies? Go.

Best horse. Favorite horror movies either. you don't like any horror movies um i liked um no i don't like any horror movies i don't like to be afraid i guess did you like blair witch did you like the sixth sense the sixth sense i think is good because it's still fucking scary the blair witch in retrospect was stupid and it gave me a migraine. A migraine? Specifically a migraine. It wasn't a headache.

It was a tension migraine. I grew up after the Blair Witch Project because it's fucking so blurry. It gives you motion sickness, man. And they're all inexpert. The village gave me food poisoning. What's the Jordan Peele movie? Us? Oh, Get Out.

Get Out. Yeah, that one's perfect. All right. So good that I didn't remember the name. But wait, what's yours? Does American Psycho count? He does kill people. I would think that's more of a thriller than a horror.

Fuck. The Shining? That's a horror. I said The Shining more of a thriller than a horror. Fuck. The Shining? That's a horror. I said The Shining. Yeah, I'll go The Shining. Okay. Shout out to He's Right Behind You, a horror movie podcast hosted by one Avi Tal, my girlfriend. So if you want to hear me talk about horror movies, I've been on that show.

He's Right Behind You. I'm supposed to go on that to talk about The Terror. Oh, that's a horror miniseries. Indeed. Your mom, LOL Roasted, asks, if you had to pick different names, which would you pick and why? Nice. I'd go Jack.

You borderline do that already. Yeah. You also say Josh a lot. You got to go Jay. I think Jack. I like Sam. And I've been toying with Elliot recently. You have been toying with Elliot.

You changed your name on our company Slack to Elliot. You updated the photo to be a picture of Marty's dad. But with Elliot, it's always hard with how many L's, how many T's. Yeah, it's not worth it. It's not worth the effort. You want it easy to spell. Sam. Sam.

Jack. Bobby. Rafe. Wait, no. R-A-E-F-E. That's not even how you would spell it. Rafe.

Rafe. Let's see here. Kimmy Parsons says, does Rejected Jokes, a.k.a. Ben Schwartz, like Otis Redding? I can probably say for a fact he does. He loves old soul music. Will you guys ever make it to New Zealand?

Asks Kimmy Parsons as well. And Zed. We've been twice now, but we have never done a show there. We'll come back. We'll always come back. I would love to do a show in New Zealand. When are you guys doing a show in Dubai?

Ask Abby Gotico. That'd be cool to go to Dubai. I can't imagine we'd have a good show there. N.N. Ilkman writes, oh, it's kind of like Milkman, but the M is two Ns. Nice. What's the perfect holiday food?

I'll specify it to Thanksgiving slash Christmas. Where do you land on the turkey thing? I don't think Thanksgiving food is good at all. Zero percent good. I don't think any of it's that good. You don't like the sweet potatoes, you don't like the turkey. I don't like the turkey, I don't like the sweet potatoes. I'll tell you what, my

in-law makes brisket now, which is goat. Hanukkah chic. I love that. I think Hanukkah actually does have the best food because of the latkes. Wow, yeah. Hanukkah's thing is that it's all deep fried. Yeah.

The potatoes with sour cream is like game over. That shit's the best. But I mean, the best food is like Fourth of July food, barbecue. It's hot dogs. It's hamburgers. That's what's my favorite. I mean, without Thanksgiving, we got to assume turkey would be completely obsolete. No one's baking a whole turkey.

It's hard to make. Right. And it's not worth the effort at all. It's not worth it. What's the Christmas food? Fucking ham? Yeah. Have you ever gone ham on a ham?

I don't think Christmas food is very good either. What else is there besides ham? What do people do? I don't know. It's weird because I do. I'm not a Christmas guy. My Christmas is, I don't, I'm pretty sure we always do lasagna, which is not like Christmas food. It's just my family's weird tradition. Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen a lasagna Christmas. Have you, did your mom ever make

that? Like out of the oven comes a giant spiral ham? Of course not. My mom, bless her soul, she didn't have fucking time to do that. But did she make turkeys? Or the know-how. I don't think she made it. Who's making the turkey in your childhood Thanksgivings? I think, I'm pretty sure that my dad did. Maybe my mom did a couple times. My grandma used to.

It was, and I mean, my mom is like a vegan now. So like, she's not cooking us turkey. A full ham. She'll cook us chicken though, because she knows we love it. Johnny Esports asks, I'm pooping right now. Should I wipe sitting or standing? I didn't know that was a common debate until I saw it on the internet a few years ago. Yeah, I remember being, but you know, it's funny. I remember being completely floored at the time when I saw that, that anyone

sat to wipe. Really? So you stood to wipe. When I was in high school is when I found out that other people sat down and I was like, what are you talking about? You stand. How do you stand and when you stand, don't your butt cheeks close for business? It makes no sense to me now. Like there's no reason to stand and wipe. You can't. You poop and then you stand pressing the shit into your ass cheeks and then you wipe. You can almost stand but still squat. So it's like you're doing a right angle stand.

Yeah. That seems a lot harder. What you should do is get the bidet. But that all takes place sitting down as well. You sit, you spray, you wipe, you pat dry. That's what you need. You sit, you spray, you bidet. Yeah.

Back in the day, did you guys ever see yourself having your own podcast network? Right, Sean Wiseby 11, before podcasts even existed. It's 1995. Did you ever imagine running one? I, I would think that, I think the more interesting version of this question is when we launched HeadGum, did you think we'd be this involved today? Maybe not. Our goal was to just like help push it and launch it and then sort of take a step back. Yeah. Now I like it. But at the time, like when we launched HeadGum, I was like, oh yeah, we'll, we'll, uh, help the shows get traffic and then there'll be other people that do everything. Right. And there's sort of our other people that do everything, but we are,

we definitely do the least. Yeah, we do the least. So that part happened, but we're still involved day to day. Yeah. We're there. Uh, when will Jake do a high and mighty power hour, writes Fishy Phelps. First of all, would you ever do a high and mighty power hour? I genuinely don't think so, for two reasons. You had a falling out with John Gabrus. I can't burp. Huh? I can't burp. You can fart. I can fart. But if I were on stage drinking shot after shot of beer, I would get such bad- Acid reflux. Acid reflux. Like the gas would be trapped.

I would be like physically uncomfortable and wouldn't know what to do. Like long before I got- What do you do when you drink like two beers? Don't you feel that gas? I usually don't drink two beers. But you have before. Yeah. Sometimes the most I drink before I start to feel that is like a beer and a half.

And then what do you do with your burps that are trapped? Um, I, if I, oh, I do this all the time. If I really need to, I'll just like pull, I'll pull the trigger. I'll like hit my gag reflex and it's an explosive burp that reverberates the bathroom. Have you done that in public? Like you're at a beer hall, you've had two beers, you're like, excuse me. I do it at restaurants all the time. At restaurants?

Yeah. You don't like excuse yourself and go to the bathroom and do it? Oh no, I go to the bathroom. Oh yeah. You're not at the table going. No, no. I have to stick my finger down my throat. Are you over a toilet just in case?

I never throw up. But, no, I just, I go, I hit my gag reflex. It sounds like, And that was a burp? That was gas being released? Yeah. Oh, my God, so much. It's like such a loud, like, croak.

You can't burp? No. Can you learn how to burp is there something physiologically wrong with you burping is like natural like babies burp yeah i don't know i i can't like make myself burp i'll there's times when i'll like do something that sounds kind of like a burp if i drink a lot of carbonated thing and i maybe it just like sounds like i don't know it doesn't it's definitely not like a burp. I do not burp. Interesting. Very Pinteresting. You didn't know that? I feel like I talked about

that before. I've seen you pull the trigger to burp, but I thought it was like, that's when it was severe. Not like this is for every burp I've ever had. Yeah. I mean, most of the time I think farting gets the job done. What do you do with a LaCroix? People burp after a single seltzer water. That one's manageable. I don't really burp. I, I, it doesn't, it doesn't, that doesn't hurt me. Interesting.

And if I drink one beer, I don't, I don't always have to like pull my trigger to burp. All right. It's, it's case by case. I feel it in my stomach. But that's the, that's the main reason why I can't do the power hour. The other one is that I, I just,

I can't imagine, I would be so hungover. So one, I can't do the power hour. The other one is that I just, I can't imagine. I would be so hungover. So one, I can't burp. The other is that I don't think I want to. You haven't had that much to drink recently? I probably have, but like, man, I would just not be, I don't know. I don't think I, it does not appeal to me.

Tommy G, last few ones. Tommy G, what's your favorite type of rice? Wild. That's cool. I'll go chicken fried. Nice. What's your mom's shoe size? Cameron Surf?

Eight. My mom's a 10. And I'm not talking about her shoe size. What? Okay, here's a good one to end on. Brennan Spinney asks, what's the most you should spend on a t-shirt? Oh, so it's a basic.

It's like, but it's a nice layer. Is it a graphic piece? Is it a graphic tee? It's any t-shirt. We're talking like, I think if we're talking pure basic undershirt, white undershirt, you shouldn't go over 25. But if we're talking like graphic tee, pocket tee, like something that's not a layering piece, but is the real deal, the main show, a marquee tee. Yeah, like you're going to brunch, but it's a nice hot day,

and it's like, it's a classy. I'll go 45. You should never pay over 50 for a t-shirt. My secret is going to Nordstrom Rack. Then you're buying $80 to $100 t-shirts, but everything is half off. So Vince, for example, great shirts are like $80. I'm not spending $80 for a t-shirt. But then it pushes it down to $40 and I have a really nice t-shirt for $40.

Here's my theory though. I think that Vince makes their $80 t-shirts and then they also make a shitty version of their t-shirt to give to Nordstrom Rack. I don't think you're getting the $80 t-shirt for $40. I think you're getting their $40 bullshit. Interesting. I have to get a real $80 t-shirt for $40. I think you're getting their $40 bullshit. Interesting. I have to get a real $80 t-shirt then just to prove you wrong. Yeah, you do. Fuck.

I don't have that kind of cash. I don't have the capital right now. I started a GoFundMe. For a shirt. A GoFundT. Nice. All right. A lot of more questions.

Maybe we'll do a number two because we got hundreds of questions. We tried to answer as many as possible. We sure did. If you have some real questions for us, send them all down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Opening theme song is same author as the closing theme song. This is the second part of Chris Byerly's Five for Fighting What If parody. Thanks to Chris for writing in. Thanks to you guys for submitting all your questions.

Thanks for listening. More bonus video Thursday episodes of this show on our Patreon. Oh, yeah, baby. Patreon.com slash JA. Every Thursday, it's either one of those episodes or a Jake and Amir watch. Jake and Amir, we watch our old videos, dissect, divulge secrets, things that we've completely forgotten about. Memories are jogged down memory lane.

What are we watching this week? I think we just watched Grandma and 80 Cents, the Austin Powers one. 80 Cents was one that I, it's so, I really had no recollection of ever doing. Yeah, they're 10 years old at this point. Give me 80 Cents and I'llfuck you is something you say. So you know it's good.

Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening. Sorry for the delay. And I'll buttfuck you. That's and. Or I said. Or.

All right. We'll be back next week. Ciao, everybody. Need a pickup line I can borrow If I don't get it, then I don't get it Maybe they'll answer mine tomorrow If I don't get it, then I don't get it No, right from the beginning

You're reading a different question The Game Boy isn't gonna win it What if they're red fire sucks sucks what if they give no fucks what am i to do they're making fun of me only if i were you what if they have been shorts on what if he pulls a long con with the only answer to questions from a fence i'll be fine with you That was a HeadGum Podcast.