Segments - 412: Pissing in a Sink

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

In this episode we discuss the pros and cons of bath-houses as a means of relaxation, the trials and tribulations of growing your hair out, and lastly, whether or not you can drink your own pee pee.For more IF I WERE YOU check out bonus video episodes on Patreon.com/JA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No Starbucks No condom, that's no fucks Patreon, that's startup Got a cinch that's bigger than hard one Buy my mama's cookies Buy my mama cookies

I'm still looking like a backpack Cute girl in my class, she looking hot What advice you got? Fuck, I got a problem now I'm trying to shoot some bucket fuck it coach Bloomin felt hold it down If I were you If I were you, that's awesome dude that model follow. That's what I would do. Yeah if I were you

If I were you yeah, if I were you If I were you if I were if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, bitch. Dude. Whoa. That was awesome. Buy my mama's cookies A. I think that's the coolest way to promote my mother's cookie business for sure.

Is that still up and running, yourmomscookies.com? Yeah, it is. Actually, it's a great holiday gift, folks. Yeah, she makes like a couple orders every week still. Wow. Yeah. jakesmomscookies.com. That's right.

And sometimes she, when we talk about it on the podcast she gets a little overwhelmed with orders so uh tread lightly yeah just be careful guys my mom she works real hard so work together to make sure that there's an appropriate amount of orders coming yeah can you if you're thinking about doing it, just don't, okay? Consult a friend. Yeah. Make sure that one in every ten of you thinking about it pulls the trigger.

Can you consolidate? I'd like them to be staggered so my mom doesn't get frazzled here. And if they could all be shipped to the same hub, that would be ideal. So, like, a centralized location location 30 orders sent to st louis everyone picks them up from a gas station ideally uh no she she can handle it order the cookies she

loves it uh nick wheeler is who made that theme song he raps at soundcloud.com slash one system, the number one, and then system without an E, of course. Oh, S-Y-S-T-M. That's right. He also has a podcast, Another Long Day with Nick Wheeler. Cool. Should we do the theme song for that one? I guess it makes sense. It's only fair.

He did one for us. We'll pay it forward. Yeah. Well, that would just be paying it back technically right yeah sorry about that it's fine it doesn't really matter no big deal no no i'm glad you i'm glad you fucking corrected me that's good i'm just saying i can't fucking wait for you to mess up i can't fucking wait what'd you say i'm just saying i'm just saying that one was fine you're not just saying. I'm just saying. That one was fine.

You're not just saying. You're getting so worked up. You know, I'm like just trying to make banter. What's that? I'm trying to make. Banter? Don't act like you don't hear me if you're interrupting me. Like you can't interrupt me and say what, right?

I just can't wait for you to flub. I'm not going to flub i'm not gonna fly yeah right i can talk a mile a minute and i never make a mistake i never have to uh think i'm good at thinking on my feet is what i was gonna say uh all right first things first what's your sickness update update it's been about a week since the last record. Are you 100%? Are you 90%? Where are you at? It's kind of hard to tell today because I'm kind of hungover, if I can be candid with you. Yeah, and our audience.

I do think I felt good yesterday. I felt good enough to go on a run. The day before that, I worked out. So I'm feeling i'm feeling back to i think 100 cold wise minus the hangover right there was sort of like a lingering it was so weird like i would go to sleep and my throat would feel dry is there some kind of like science around that like lying down makes your throat dry oh like i don't you were fine all day and then as soon as you lie yeah as soon as i lie down i have like a scratch in my throat and i'm just like

it's so weird like why yeah why at 11 30 p.m when i try to go to bed is when that happens that's a good question i was gonna say maybe it's like the dryness of the heating in new york because that's what i've experienced But you're saying is it doesn't even affect you all day. Just when you lie down. Yeah. But then that is also like when I lie down is when I've been in my heated apartment for like three hours. So maybe that's like,

it's getting to me by trigger. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, you're, I am like in heat all day. Thankfully, thankfully we're both of us back to near 100 time how you record for the holidays

how are you feeling i'm feeling good because i was a week behind you i'm already ready for my next one yeah it is it feels like for in new york at least you'll i'll just be sick for the entire for the next few months yeah like till may either about to get sick or just getting over something. It's sort of just like a wave of never feeling 100%. I was wondering how, like, if there's a really big movie where thousands of people are working on it, like in Batman or something, and Christian Bale is shooting in Chicago, and he just has a really bad cold,

can he still do a sex scene, or would they just delay everything for him? It seems like you probably have some really, like, professional producers who can, like, rearrange the days to make it, like, a light day for Christian Bale on the day. Like, that is— He's feeling a head cold. Yeah. So, like, when he's at his worst, they're like, you know what? Why don't we, like, swap this day and we'll do exteriors.

We're going to get B-roll of all this stuff. I really appreciate that. Are you doing the Christian Bale Batman voice or Christian Bale cold sounds like Christian Bale's Batman voice? I've just been up all night sneezing is all. But he would have a British accent. Oh, thank you. There it is. If we could shoot out Heath today,

that would go a long way. It's so sad. What a sad throwback to a time when Heath Ledger was alive and they were making The Dark Knight. Do we have any Kleenexes here? Or did Heath use them all, removing his Joker makeup? Knock it off, you're depressing me.

All right, sorry. Heath's a beast at crafting. Imagine Heath with the flu beating up Batman in a room. He went to a dark place to play Joker and we all owe him a debt for his service to society. Yeah, sorry about that. I didn't mean to bring up old demons.

Alright, what is this? This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast seven years running almost in which Jake and I host I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Damn, seven years. Yikes. I think it'll be seven years in May, so I host Amamir. I'm Jake. Damn, seven years. Yikes. I think it'll be seven years in May.

So I'm jumping the gun a little bit. Jumping the gum. I love that. Nice flub. But like, it was sort of like a slant flub where we can promote HeadGum. So I know you didn't do it on purpose, but your fuck up actually,

it lended itself well to a little promo check out headgum.com for all of our podcasts i know you uh that was that was a slip of the tongue because you don't really have a master full control of your mouth so i appreciate it. Nice. You didn't have to say nice. You already complimented me in a really backhanded way. Nice. Nice, actually. That was nice.

Yeah, the way you fucked that up actually worked out to our benefit. So good work. Nice. Nice. Good work on that last one. Nice. Yeah,. So good work. Nice. Nice. Good work on that last one. Nice. Yeah, appreciate that, bud. Nice.

I got a question about peeing in the sink. Oh, heads up. All right. So we'll call this guy Pee-ing-ly. Pete. Pete. Pete Peenly. Pete Peenly writes, hey, is it cool to pee in the sink? I think it's pretty dope since you don't get any splashback and you don't have to use your hands.

You don't have to use your hands. Also, it's easier at night when you don't want to turn the lights on and wake up. Let me know what you think. Is this genius or what? Love, Pete. Okay. Interesting. I don't think it's genius.

It's not better than peeing in the toilet. I can understand vaguely it being slightly more convenient, but I can't quite imagine that you don't need to use... Well, you don't really need to use your hands. Why do you need to use your hands for the toilet? Oh, like lifting up the seat if you live with a lady? Lifting up the seat. I mean, aiming.

That's what I thought he was talking about. Sinks are high. I'm trying to like... Sinks are high. Sinks are like waist height, so you can kind of just drape your dick in and let the pee go straight into the drain. I don't hate it as a concept.

I pee in sinks all the time, but it's not ever like— Why do you do it? Well, at my parents' house in Connecticut, my brother and I share the attic. So there's a room on one end, then there's this big unfinished storage one end then there's like a like this big unfinished uh storage area then there's my room and in the middle there's like uh for some reason we have a half bathtub have you ever seen a half bathtub like it's a sitting tub but that's it yeah it's truly it's like it looks like a stunted bathtub it was was like, because my parents' house is really old, and like in the early 1900s, that was like a maid's quarters up there.

So I guess all of their tubs are like clawfoot tubs, and I guess the maid wasn't allowed to have a full one, whoever's maid it was. So they had a half bathtub and then a sink so there's no like shower and for some reason there's no toilet i don't know what the man did i don't even think that's a bathroom you're describing it's the weirdest it it's a half tub a pedestal sink and then like a paint sink that's you're like those are like really deep uh deep sinks right um so we so there's nowhere there's no bathroom there's no toilet so we have one sink for brushing our teeth and one sink for peeing into got it you pee into the almost the deep sink which is almost like a urinal

up there yeah so that one's that's standard and then there have been times when I had to pee really bad and someone was in the bathroom. So I'll like pee in the sink. In theory, it's like when I don't think about it too hard, it seems like a Philistine move. Like what the hell is wrong with you? Who pees in a sink? That's where I brush my teeth. Right. But you don't.

That's where I wash my hands. You're not like touching the enamel. Is it enamel? Yeah. Yeah. Or whatever that, the ivory.celain porcelain porcelain you're not touching where the pee was right right you're not like scrubbing the drain where the pee went down also like water runs it's it truly is kind of the same thing as a urinal it still feels

wrong it does feel wrong i mean i could imagine you think about it. Also, pee is sterile. It's not like germs, you know? You're not. Yeah, I think that's wrong. Really? I don't. Yeah, I think what you said was not true. I don't think there's germs in pee. I think there's germs in pee.

I'll go on record and say I think there's germs in pee. Should we look it up? Like, you drink pee, you think that's safe to have? I don't think it's safe to drink. Well, when sailors are lost at sea, they say to drink pee before drinking seawater. When sailors are lost at sea, they say to drink the pee. Okay. It's sterile and safe, you see. All you gotta do is drink my pee.

Urine is... Drink my pee, boy. This is from The Guardian. Urine is sterile because it contains no living organisms unless the person that produces it is unlucky enough to have a urinary tract or bladder infection

there are less bacteria in urine than in tap water for example but drinking tap water is generally safe because it contains no toxic substances so unless you have a urinary infection of sorts you can drink pee and be fine yeah so i should be brushing my teeth in the toilet i guess this so i should be drinking we should be drinking shower water you know like how 50 cent made a lot of money on

with like uh vitamin water yeah like is there something to us bottling piss and selling it as a as like a fucking soda sports beverage like you know how like lac croix has pomplemousse and yeah that's a flavor of sparkling water right is there you're right i'm like spitballing this is like pie in the sky this is like you've already suggested it no this is this is just like throwing everything against the wall seeing what sticks but is there any yeah is there a world where we bottle our urine and sell it online is there any value to the notion there's not yeah that we would put our piss in bottles and sell it as like yeah as a fucking sports as a sports soda as a sports drink as a beverage it's definitely not like a juice yeah it's definitely not a sports drink like there's no electrolytes in piss i bet well it wouldn't be just piss it's like our piss but it's like flavored with um i don't know fucking

i'm i'm thinking popple mousse just because it's already in the ether because i said it but like if we did like a grapefruit and piss cocktail soda yeah first sports is there anything to that or should i no there's not there's nothing to that i'm not saying the first idea is gold but i'm saying like maybe there's like an inkling of something there that we can i don't think so all right well if you're you already pissing bottles so i feel like the hard part's done actually i just got my car detailed and i forgot that uh i forgot to uh remove the piss bottle luckily there was no piss in the bottle but they did i noticed that they threw the bottle away i wonder if they were like oh here's an empty bottle or if they like smelled

it and they were like this guy pissed in this bottle you think that's bad i was just told everybody to drink their piss i I was going to sell that. Well, I really think the only negative to peeing in the sink is if it smells. You don't want the sink to start smelling like urine. Yeah, so instead of flushing. Because whether or not it's like healthy or sanitary, it does have a bad odor. That's right. But you also, so instead of flushing, you just sort of turn the sink on and wash it down. Yeah.

I wonder if that uses less water also. Jesus Christ. Is this guy right? Is he a genius? Splashback? He says there's no splashback. I mean, it's probably true. Your penis is a lot closer to what you're aiming at.

Yeah. Why is there so much water in a toilet? Why isn't a toilet more dry like a sink? Like a urinal almost. I feel like it's for i don't know so the shit goes under the water so it doesn't smell so bad right because urinals are dry but toilets are submerged is there anything to that you never see a urinal in a house i've i remember having a fantasy as a boy that like when i was a grown-up i was gonna have a urinal in my in my urinal is a

sink it's a it's a weird shaped sink yeah so this guy's not deranged he's just reappropriating what sinks are calling it a urinal i mean you're well within your right to do that i think unless you have like a roommate who doesn't want you to pee in the sink and yeah and whether or not it's like valid if they're like this i mean it is kind of gross it just is valid if they're like this. I mean, it is kind of gross. It just is. So if they were like, don't pee in the sink, I don't think you could be like, there's nothing wrong with it.

Like it's, you just, you can't. Unless it's your own, if it's your own personal sink, by all means, pee away. Yeah. And this guy is saying that you don't have to deal with waking up at night, turning on the light,

figuring out where the bowl is. You just plop your dick in the sink. It's nice. I mean, if it's the middle of the night, I'm sitting. I'm not like aiming. It's a very lazy activity. I just go and plop my ass on the toilet, pee, I'm half asleep. Imagine plopping your ass in the sink I think I'd rather sit to pee in the middle of the night than stand by the sink because like for me the longer I'm like I spend on my feet I'll like my body's gonna think that it's time to wake up yeah that's why I wanted to invent that bed where you can piss in it because there's a little hole in the middle I remember that and actually I do so you don't have to stand up it's a solid idea you just sort of roll over and fuck the mattress a little

yeah it's a fleshlight oh that's kind of fun if you need to fuck the mattress as well it's cool you could do that yeah let's say you can fuck a mattress it's kind of like a blow-up doll that you can fill with um peepee in the middle of the night. Is there anything to that? Yeah, I think that's better than selling grapefruit-flavored energy piss. I didn't even think about it being energy piss. No, sorry, I meant sports piss. Five-hour energy already kind of does taste like piss. It certainly looks like it.

Yeah, so why not just go the whole nine? It's not like going the whole nine. It's not like they started making piss and gave up and made an energy drink. It's going the whole nine. It's not like they started making piss and gave up and made an energy drink. It's going the whole one. It's making a complete U-turn to a different product. Oh, literally the number one. That's cool.

And literally a U-turn, a urine turn. Oh, that's nice. So it's called the whole one. Yeah. Yeah. And then it's little five-hour energy capsules filled with your piss. I'm glad you come around. All right.

Let's hammer out some details during this break. We'll come back and answer some more questions after these messages. Bye. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

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So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson. It's fine. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, baby. You know what? Baths are on the mind.

I think we both have bath-related advice this week. Yeah. So mine is just straight up baths. An at-home bath. You got a tub at home? Me? Yeah. I do.

Yeah. So I've had a tub for like three years now. And only in like the last month or two, I'm like, I've been taken to taken baths. We're talking a 30 to 60 minute soak around 9 p.m. You have a pretty big tub, right? Does it have jets? It doesn't have jets, but it is big enough for two, if you know what I mean. Sexy time. If necessary. Do you ever take double baths? Occasionally taking a double baths, but I'll tell you, most of the time I'm just in there by myself. You add some Epsom salts. Yeah. Epsom. Epsom. Epsom. I think, I don't know, but the salts. Either way you add some salts.

You Google that. It'll tell you how to spell it. Yeah. Anti-inflammatory agents. And it's so relaxing, especially when it's a little cold out. It's better on the East coast than it is in LA because in the East coast you come home and you're like, bones are cold. You're like chilled all the way in. Yeah. A bath will thaw you out. It really, it really will. And so how many bones are cold, you're chilled all the way in, a bath will thaw you out. It really will. So how many baths a week are you taking here? Nearly every day. So I'll say five a week. No shit. Yeah. It's almost like part of my nightly routine. It's like, all right, it's nine or 10. I'm almost time to start getting ready for bed. Take a 30 to 60 minute long soak, rinse off,

then get ready for bed and go into bed. And I'm feeling very relaxed. It relaxes you. Yeah. Do you have any pain in your body that it helps with the Epsom salt? Sometimes, yeah. Sometimes like tightness in my hamstrings,

like you can stretch a little bit in there or like if I'm feeling sore in my neck or my back, loosens you up. How hot are you going? Like so hot you can barely stand it or just like a nice, easy, warm? Pretty one. Yeah, pretty hot.

So like, it's like, ah, ha, ha, ha. Oh, oh, oh, ah. Sometimes it's like I'm even sweating above the bath because it's like steaming up. Right. See, sometimes like if a bath is too hot, I don't find it relaxing. I find it almost stressful. I'm like, this is hot. It is too hot, I don't find it relaxing. I find it almost stressful.

I'm like, this is hot. It's too hot. It's too hot. But it will cool down. Right. It'll cool down and adjust to your body temperature. And you can like put your feet out of it. So like that'll cool you down too.

Yeah. That feels good too. Get a glass of water in there. And you know what? So this is bath related. They recently opened like a straight up bath house near me wow and so now it's an entire home dedicated to the bath it is the goat it's truly the goat it is so cool i'm what like i'm just like 100 converted to bath houses this is like it's something that exists

in like so many other cultures like the japanese on onsen thing, like the Turkish baths. And in Iceland, they have like those thermal pools all over the place. It seems as if it was like the first gym was 2,000 years ago bathhouses. Yeah, just like communal soaks and steams and schwitzes, you know? Yeah, what's the deal there? Like, do you have to pay like a gym membership or is it like 20 a time for the one year me it's 50 a time whoa but this is like this is like the equinox of bathhouses it is got it it's so nice like you what's it called it's called bathhouse wow yeah it's it's

actually what's in there it's on north 10th and uh berry right near your old place that's pretty cool so what's the deal what's going on in there how big is it so it is it seems like it's actually what's in there it's on north 10th and uh berry right near your old place that's pretty cool so what's the deal what's going on in there how big is it so it is it seems like it's probably like 2 000 square feet downstairs you have a it's maybe like 5 by 20 5 by 15 uh neutral pool that's like just kind of warm and uh it's like some maybe it's like some kind of mineral or something i don't even know uh but then they all it's very dark and relaxing and yeah it's it is so sleek so sexy and yeah just like big marble blocks ice water robes towels sandals spa vibes spa vibes uh so they have the the neutral soak they also have a cold plunge and then they have the hot tub so you just go in and out of every back and forth

from the hot tub to the cold plunge to the hot tub to the cold like i did that like five times it feels so fucking good it's so frigid and then like when one and then you just can relax in the pool and i was just i was just there with my brother just chatting hanging drinking water going into the cold pool going into the hot tub then they also have two saunas a steam room oh wow oh yeah wait which one is the wet like humid dripping water and which one is like the dry cedar wood the steam room the steam room's the the wet one yeah that's really wet yeah that's wet and then the sauna is super super dry it's not really fun which one kind of i i prefer a sauna usually but like sometimes i mean right now i kind of have like getting over a cold so i'm like i don't i i't like, I can't tolerate the dryness right now.

The dryness in your sinus. Imagine entering the steamiest sauna. There's like 40 people in there. You just have a sneeze fit. Well, the other nice thing about this sauna in particular is that like, usually when I've gone to saunas, it's just uh big fat jewish men uh and now naked yeah god at my gym there is the biggest acidic guy that just takes up the entire sauna it's fucking crazy but this this is like it's it feels like uh like a sexy williamsburg uh club everyone's young it's equinox well is there is there a restaurant attached to it do i see there's also a restaurant i can't believe i'm giving them this

much of an ad this is great i feel like i want to spend a day there i oh yeah you're wait when do you are you coming back on friday yeah friday and then we're busy saturday and then we leave on sunday damn it's going to happen this week. Next time. Fuck! Next time. It's truly, it's so good. But yeah, I think for me, like I have so much of those like chronic pain.

And it does wonders for everything that ails me. Yeah. And you can't get like a monthly pass. You really got to spend 50 bucks every time you go there. No, they have a monthly pass, but it's like, I think it's like 220 or 250. Oh, wow. So it's, I could, I don't think I would go more than like

four or five times a month. I think they also do a five pass for 200. So the goal in life is to be so rich, you have an Equinox membership and then also a bathhouse membership. Yeah, and you just don't even think twice you're like oh yeah i haven't been to the bathhouse in a few months imagine being so rich that you're spending 200 by accident and you don't even remember at the bathhouse classic um wait i

had another question oh yeah but when you leave and it's cold out doesn't that sort of like take away all the hot energy that you've amassed at the bathhouse well so you get nice and your body temperature goes up and then you take a hot shower afterwards you put on you dry off you put on your jacket when i left i was like i was still warm the the the weather did not hit me in the same way i see it feels kind of like going into the refreshing yeah it really is it's about like leaving the gym how like when you leave the you go to the gym you're cold but you leave in your you're like you don't need a jacket for a walk all right baths and bath houses yeah i get a bath in your house and get a bath house in your spouse. Y'all, you gotta start bathing. All right.

Next question. Yeah. Let's get back to business here. Come on. Groomsman question. We'll call this guy Gary Room. Nice. The groom.

I love that. G Room. My friend is getting married in two months and is asking me to be one of his groomsmen. Here. The groom. I love that. Groom. My friend is getting married in two months and is asking me to be one of his groomsmen. Here's the thing. I honestly don't give a shit about his wedding or want to be in it. I like both the bride and the groom, but I've just been in a lot of weddings lately and I don't want to be in, let alone go to one. So what should I do? He is one of my closest friends and I'm not sure i should if i should suck it up and just do it or tell him no he's one of your closest friends and you feel like

this i'm really conflicted getting rejected i that is god you really don't come back from that but i am like conflicted between telling him i I mean, clearly he should suck it up. And like, God, fuck, I hate this guy. This is insane. Because the groomsman doesn't even have a lot of obligations. He's not asking him to be the best man. Best man as like, you know, it's a job. It is a job.

It's an honor. It's a job of honor for sure but it's have you been a best man i actually have not yeah interesting yeah wait have you not really my brother had like being my brother as his best men but there wasn't like many obligations or responsibilities right like there was no bachelor party or anything to plan you had a speech at my wedding though that's sort of like an obligation like the biggest yeah speech is the biggest thing but like to say that you don't even want to go let alone be in one that's like you don't want to stand next to him that's truly insane so like part of me wants to be like yeah say no because then this guy won't be your friend anymore and that's what you deserve

so like that's what i think like you seem like a bad guy and and your friend deserves better i think so your advice is to the groom because you want this bad guy to out himself as such yeah i'd like you to tell this i'd like you to tell your friend the truth because then that will free him of the burden which is you yeah that's yeah that's where i come down on it for sure it's like yeah a wedding is such a personal monumental wonderful thing for the bride and the groom and like when they ask you to be a part of it it's like so much so much thought goes into everything and like it's crazy that you would take that and just be like ah like make it about you in such a weird way i don't know i fucking hate it what's your advice to this fucker uh i would probably just suck it up and go i wouldn't

like try to stand firm and you know hold my ground and say you know what no i'm not a groomsman i'm sick of this fucking wedding i've been to too many weddings man you get that i've had too many free dinners and it's annoying being a groomsman is like kind of a like a solid position at a wedding you know if you're single and you're a groomsman you're like wedding celeb yeah you're a vip that's right that's a good that's a good place to be you get to wear the tux yeah you want to you want to look like you're an important like an important member of the wedding yeah otherwise you might as well not even go which i guess is what this guy's thinking people talk up weddings like they're, you know, amazing magical nights, and oftentimes they are.

But have you ever been to a wedding without an open bar? People get legit upset at the bride and groom. Like, can you believe this? We're here celebrating them, and they won't even give us free booze? I need to pay for this last one! They get so upset that they had to pay for the drinks or god forbid no drinks at all yeah then all the magic of the wedding goes away i think i would be upset if i had to pay for my own drinks at a wedding but i would right i yeah it is weird it would sour the

wedding but like that's that just means you're only there for the free drinks. Yeah. I think there's that. It's like it's expectations being met, I think. When you go to a wedding, you expect there to be past hors d'oeuvres. You expect there to be a cocktail. You expect drinks and you expect speeches. And a dinner. Yeah. When the things don't happen i think it is it is totally true that everybody turns on the bride and groom which is so funny yeah

it's like yeah we're here to celebrate the love but if i had to rank the things i want to be here it's free drinks a steak a dance floor and then the ceremony and when you think about how fickle that is like how how easy everyone can turn on you, that's when you really need your best friends around you. You need your groomsmen. Like at our rehearsal dinner, which was just like insane, one debacle after the next.

What happened at the rehearsal dinner? Go back and listen to episode, which one was it? Where Jill was on. Good question. Yeah, i'll look it up um but i mean having my groomsman around me that was like 345 345 that was that was like the saving grace of that so like if you can't do that for your boy if you can't be there for your friend to make sure his day feels special? Fuck off. That's awesome, dude. Nice.

Alright, one last question. This one should be a quickie. I'm a single guy, shy guy on Hinge, writes Harry. And Bumble, writes Barry. After being in a five year relationship, I'm looking for a dime piece to call my own, but I'm not getting much of a response from anyone.

A year back, I moved to the southwest of England after freelancing in London so I could buy a house. Down in the southwest, there's lots of conservative opinions, so not many creative types. But there are lots of beautiful women. So I'm hoping to find a diamond among these rough-ass Tory voters. Think Trump voters. On paper, they could be considered a catch. I just bought a house at the age of 28. I foster dogs.

I'm financially independent. I'm good at DIY, and I'm a good cook. I'm a good listener, too. I've even been using the pinch's tips for texting. Hey-o. I'm starting to think my shoulder-length hair could be stopping me from matching with some of these ladies. Should I try to look like everyone else in order to seize some lady cheese, or should I continue seizing my own cheese and stay true to myself in style and value?

I have attached some pictures for you to judge my hair as you see fit. And it's basically a picture of a handsome man with straight long hair that rests on his shoulder angelic i think angelic that i think shoulder length hair is the goat haircut for dudes that have hair that looks good in that way you know what i mean well you could do this and you don't do it so So where's your reasoning? No, I don't think I could do it. Why? I mean, my hair's not thick enough. It doesn't...

This guy's hair's not thick. If I grow my hair out, it has a weird part on one side that looks bad. If anything, your hair is too thick. This guy's hair looks fine and silky and he can mold it however he wants man i if if i could grow my hair to my shoulders and have it look cool i would and you've tried i have tried it stops it basically you've gotten far it basically stops growing around my chin and it doesn't look good i I have like, yeah, it's, I feel like you'd have to flat iron. Yeah. I wish it looked good. I think, I think long hair is the goat, goat haircut. If

you have hair that can grow that way. I guess if you want to test it out, you can Photoshop some short hair pics or even post ones where your hair's not in full view. And then when they meet up, then it's like, oh, I've grown my hair out since. That's true. Put it in a ponytail and tuck it through a hat. A hat with a pony, like a lady jogging in a Runyon can. I don't think you need to Photoshop anything, but maybe hide the hair. Wear a hat in a photo or two.

See how that plays. Yeah yeah but you don't it's also like your hair yet he also says that like there's less people in the southwest of london or of uh of england so it really could just be that like there's just there's just uh less of a dating pool to draw from right and i think the people there are so conservative that they look at his long hair and they scoff. Yeah. But I don't think you want to date somebody

that only wants to date people with short hair, you know, because that's not who you are. It's better to present yourself. You'll get less matches, but when you do, they'll be true. Oh, the true match. The true.

The best match of all. Exactly. All right. That's it. Questions up, questions down. Baths were all. Exactly. All right. That's it. Questions up, questions down. Baths were discussed. Everything. We got to it all.

Thanks for listening, everybody. If you have your own questions, your own theme songs, send them on down to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was Nick Wheeler, the rapper. This closing one is named, his name is Sigurd, pronounced Seeger, sorry, Seeger, and he's a 23-year-old Norwegian dude, and he made this original 80s-inspired theme to use on the podcast. This guy sounds like he also has long hair.

Yeah, Seeger. If we should use it, he'd appreciate a shout-out to his Spotify, Seeger. Ross? It's called S-I-G-E-R-D. Seeger Ross? No, it's not Seeger Ross. Seegerd A-B-L. I'm trying to break 10k streams this year. Can I recommend something easier to pronounce than

S-I-G-U-R-D space A space B space L. Oh my god. Trying to get to 10k streams, but we're doing our best. Thanks to Seeger and Nick. Thanks to Seeger and Nick. Thanks to you guys for listening. And of course, we'll be back next week.

Take a bath, everyone. You've earned it. You have. Bath, by the way, prime podcast listening time too. Oh, I do like to listen to podcasts in the bath. Not in the bath house, but in the bath bath. Yeah, yeah. All right.

Obviously. We'll be back next week. Ciao, everybody. Nice. Nice. bathhouse but in the bath bath yeah yeah um all right i'll be back next week ciao everybody nice nice you're in need of an epiphany need advice but no one's listening and you feel your body giving in just email into these two dudes once a chipmunk both are Jews And the show is called If I Were You They'll answer your questions Straight to the point Then Jacob will turn into the Gameboy When Ben does his best to destroy the show Amir keeps him in check, he's very coy Jake will go home with a golden mic again He makes up the rules, they will probably fight again

If you think you can handle the shame and mockery Email your problems to Ace and Jocelyn. Email any file you. Email any file you. Email any file you. Email any file you. Email any file you. Email any file you. That was a HeadGum Podcast.