Segments - 413: Christmas Tree

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

In this episode we discuss holiday drama, grooming tips, and the going rate for a 6 foot Douglas Fir.Listen to Amir's episode on Punch Up The Jam.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No.

Yo, I think I need your advice. My car broke down last night. And my bank account's closed. Now my car got towed. So I don't even have my own ride. Why is everything always so complex? Don't really know what to do next So I'll email two guys cause I know they're wise

And you know they'll be funny, funny, funny It won't cost you money, money, money It's If I Were You show Starring these two dudes, yo He goes by The Pinch His name is Jacob, starring Amir. Shmuel's his name. It's your favorite Jews,

though. It's If I Were You, show starts now. Beautiful. I know that song. I used to like that song a lot. What song do you think it's based off of? It's that song that's like,

It's all about the money, money. Yeah. Not about the... Yeah. But I don't know, it's all about the money, money. Yeah. Not about the, yeah. I guess it's. But I don't know what it's called or anything else. It's called Price Tag by Jesse Jay. Oh, very good. And that's.

Very, very good. And that's Jacob Kay. Hmm. A sequel, if you will. On the guitar, trombone, and his voice. So thanks, Jacob Kay. Thank you, sir. It's like the Jasonason raz if razitas version

of price tag by jesse jason razmataz it's that you think he ever goes by that the jason razmataz yeah god he really deserves that in fact i'm wearing a fedora today in honor of the Jason Mraz metazification. An opened up, buttoned down, hemp sandals and a fedodo. Where was Jason Mraz? In O2. Not stylish. At the O2 Kids Choice Awards. I don't even know.

I have weird style icons. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i am jake how's the weather in new york city um you know what today was actually the the interesting combo of sunny and cold bright bright light hurt your eyes sun shining in your face but it's 30 degrees i see and it's blustery it's windy cold clear bright hurts your eyes hurts the skin but god damn does it feel good to be alive so if you're inside and you're just staring out you're like oh i can my brain can convince myself that it's a nice day out yes i've I've finally, we've reached the stage in the winter where I stopped judging the weather based on what I think it looks like outside. It usually happens around December.

Like you can't be fooled anymore. Yeah. Because it kind of like through November, you know, you can still have those 60 degree days. It'll happen. So you're like, oh, i can get away with a light jacket today i can i could even do like a hoodie today yeah so but then there's a couple days that really rock you where you go outside and you're like you thought it was nice but no the wind's blowing through your khakis you needed the long johns do you you need boots do you check the weather on

your app or you just open a window and see i i that's like the first thing i do in the morning um i look at the weather on my phone do you think most people do that or most people are like whatever it's like cold or it's hot i'll deal with it that's a good question i feel like it's like 50 of people look at the i mean is the question look at the weather first thing or look at the weather in general before they leave? Yeah, look at the weather in general before they leave. 70% of people, I think, look at the weather in general before they leave. And 30% are like, I'll just wear a jacket and we'll see what happens.

Yeah, but of that 30%, you think there's some people that are like, well, I don't look at the weather because I open a window. I bet there's people that do that too. I also open a window every once in a while. I'm talking about someone who just doesn't even care about how warm or great it is outside so who the the question is i mean the the breakdown is people who look people who feel and people who do nothing who guess yeah i think i think you're at 60 percent lookers 10 feelers 30 no 20 feelers uh 20 don't give a shitters got it and like in terms of like future rain they'll just be like all right that'll happen or it won't like i don't know if it's raining at three whatever i don't i mean i never i look at the daily forecast sometimes if it's like sometimes i'll look at the weekend forecast but i don't i'm not like i don't i mean i never i look at the daily forecast sometimes if it's like sometimes

i'll look at the weekend forecast but i don't i'm not like i don't look at like the weekly forecast to be like oh all right i better be ready because it's going to rain on thursday right you know that's that's a game time thing and what about umbrellas do you ever use it i don't ever use an umbrella so it's pouring rain out. What's your game plan there? I have a car in New York City. So if it's pouring rain out, first of all, if it's really pouring, I won't leave my apartment. Like, why would I have to? That's cool. Yeah. Like, what if you have like plans to go to Connecticut? I'll cancel. Oh, no. I mean, plans to go to Connecticut. I have a car. So I'll just walk to the car.

The car is usually within a block, so it's easy. Got it. I have a rain jacket. I'll wear that. I'll run to the car. I'm good. I'm there. And why are you anti-umbrella?

Well, I'm not anti. I just don't think, I've never been able to hang on to an umbrella. I think an umbrella, once it's done protecting you, becomes a pretty inconvenient device. You have to place it somewhere. It's kind of sopping wet. It's a bad shape, and it doesn't feel natural in your hand. You can't put it in a bag because it's so wet.

And then later on, it stops raining, and you just have to walk home kind of holding a weird little rolled up bag and that's not good to feel that way do you have an so do you have an umbrella in your apartment jill has one jill has two of course if i'm being honest yeah yeah she uses an umbrella she's smart and she uses an umbrella yeah and sometimes you'll like sort of huddle under hers so like she can use it but then it's not your umbrella so you don't have to deal with it. Yeah. Oh, that's perfect. If I can just like duck my head under Jill's umbrella for the brief period that we're walking in the car, that's all I need. Yeah.

And then she's off. She takes the umbrella to work. I might have to walk a block in the rain, but what's that? That's fine. I can usually find a stranger with an umbrella that will let me walk with them for a block hand in hand right so that seems like you're sort of this is not unlike your flu shot theory you'll just freeload from person to person without actually doing the work yourself that's right i am a pest i'm a locust a cockroach you're a virus attaching yourself i have a virus indeed and that and for you the weather the weather is just the same every single day so you don't really have to think about it yeah but i'm still looking at like you know when will it rain what what day of the week is it going to rain i'll i'll i'm always the first to know like oh it's raining on sunday even though it's tuesday you give a shit that far out yeah what do you what what do you what do you like get what's the practical

thing of having that knowledge it's tuesday morning yeah and you know it's gonna rain on sunday yeah i'm like i know that there's a storm coming so whenever there's a lull in a conversation i'm telling the person by the way we're supposed to get two inches of rain on Sunday. And if somebody's like... And they'll be like, yeah, I don't know. Is that a lot? Is that a lot? Well, for example, two winters ago, we only got five inches of rain. So what do you think?

Two inches on a Sunday. That seems like a lot to me. And they're like, yeah, I guess, man. Hey, don't talk to me anymore. This isn't a pleasant conversation. So you use the information to like have less friends that's your practical use for it yeah you like i'll i'll alienate a waiter or whatever yeah okay cool but i'm also i'm also intrigued as to how much rainfall in inches los angeles gets you like to keep track of that do you know how much rainfall we got last

year a lot we got about like between 19 and 20 inches, which is a lot in LA. That was good for the drought. That was a drought buster. And this year we've got like three or four inches. So it's been pretty rainy, but not incredibly wet yet. Yet. I can see how waiters are like, yeah, I have another table I have to talk to. Yeah, and then I'm going to New York tomorrow. It's supposed to rain tomorrow in New York. Did you know that? It's supposed to rain. This is one of the rare times that I looked at the weekend forecast because we got shit to do, you and I. So yeah, I saw that it's raining tomorrow and on Saturday. Okay, good. And you know when we goanta on sunday uh it's going to be raining on monday and tuesday and wednesday in atlanta too

you know that i did not know that yeah so wherever we go there's a sort of a cloud literally raining actually parade yeah that bums me out in a small way because i was kind of looking forward to gallivanting around atlanta because I like that city so very much. Yeah, in a sunny fashion. Yeah, but I suppose now we'll just have to Uber and Lyft to the various establishments that we'll be visiting and the folks that we'll be hanging with. Do you think Skeets is going to party with us? Yeah, as long as he has an umbrella, we should definitely party with him. I'd be down to meet up if he has a raincoat or if he has an umbrella on the day.

Boots. So you'll show up with plastic bags. Do you have duck boots? Tied around your flyknit sneakers. Mm-hmm. All right, enough about the weather. God, you're so fucking boring. Who cares?

This is a podcast about the weather now. I wish. This is actually, like I said earlier, if I were you, so fucking boring. Who cares? This is a podcast about the weather now. I wish. This is actually, like I said earlier, if I were you, an advice show. So let's try to answer some questions. People are in sticky situations. They need our advice. I don't blame them.

We know what we're talking about. I'm ready. Damn, we pros. Here's an insane situation that a 28-year-old finds himself in. We'll call him Joe joe montana okay nice here's the thing my girlfriend and i have recently opened our relationship up so that she could explore her attraction to women aside from the small growing pains things have been going really well

my partner and i now each have our own girlfriends. And we have gotten particularly close to my partner's girlfriend and her husband. Are you with me so far? Okay. Him and his girlfriend both have girlfriends, and him and his girlfriend is into his new girlfriend and

his new girlfriend's husband, of course. Alright. Jesus. We see each other often and have started a really good Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Congrats. Here's where things get tricky, though. Here, now it's about to get tricky. So far, it's fine. My partner has expressed the desire to have a threesome with her girlfriend and I, which we are all into.

The husband doesn't have a problem with it, and he's even encouraged it. He had made it very clear that it's not a quid pro quo situation, so no obligation to swing. Up until a while ago, it all seemed like it was going to go off without a hitch until the husband expressed the desire to leave his job. You see, I run a ski shop and I told him he could start working with me. He starts on Monday and on Thursday, I'm supposed to go out on a date with my partner and his wife. So here's my question. Is it wrong for me to bone my new employee's wife? He's already given me pretty much the green light but this is going to compromise our work but is this going to compromise our work relationship obviously i want to have the threesome but i also want my employee to be happy and i don't want to have negative tension hanging over everything

so what do you think should i seize the cheese and slay this three-headed, two-pussied beast? Or should I take a cold shower and decline the offer? Okay. Thanks. I want to have it all, but I don't want to burn any bridges. All right. Interesting. He's a good boss. The fact that he cares about his employees this much,

you know, like, it's absolutely the kind of guy I'd want porking my wife. Yeah. What a situation. I guess want porking my wife. Yeah. What a situation. I guess. I mean, it seems fine. Like you, you got to also remember that you gave this guy the job. So it's like you did him a solid there.

It's not like you're a mean boss and he works for you and you're like giving him it giving him too much shit to do making him stay late making him work the weekends and then you're gonna have sex with his wife you know like that's right he left his job you did him a favor you got him a new one at a ski shop sounds pretty chill so now he's he's already he's he's got a come up you know like, like he's, he's doing good. Yeah. And would you, would you, would you feel weird, um, seeing this guy after going on some sort of surrender date with his wife and your partner?

Not any weirder than I would seeing him at the dungeons and dragons table being like, uh, does a 16 hit? I fucked your wife. I know you don't care but it's kind of bizarre but i got to fuck your wife yes i think i mean if you can if you feel like it's also fucking this is part of the lifestyle this is like this is one of the little growing pains that you're that you're talking about you know yeah would you be would you be down to be part of this arrangement no i wouldn't i wouldn't at all it doesn't seem this does not

seem i'm glad that it works for him i'm glad that it works for some people it does not feel like a liberating situation to me to like have a weird little intricate friend group whose feelings i have to care about a lot and who's like sexual preferences i have to know and understand and respect at all times like it's hard enough having one partner. It sounds like all of these partners have two partners and some of them have three and they all share with each other. So like Joe knows how Dan knows how Tom knows how Jen knows how Ashley all feels at what time.

It just, it's a lot of stress and anxiety to me. It's, yeah, it's hard to find. How do they find this many people that are down like it seems like these are rare people but now there's like five of them in this edible arrangement yeah i mean i i just don't like it i on on some level i like the idea of fucking whoever i want right i could that's cool fundamentally yeah but what happened what this situation this is not that this isn't that at all he's already talking about how he's not sure he should fuck this other person that's right like this is an open relationship anymore this is just a this is it

this is a what what's what's a better word like it's not open this is um a jar or it's it's well it's it's closed but there's more pieces to it yeah it's like uh instead of completely open it's like uh there's multiple slightly open doors what actually you know what it? It's like a relationship is a room where the door is closed. And an open relationship like this one is a room where the doors are still closed. There's just 19 people in there. And you're like, Charlie, may I touch Becky's hair? I'll see you at work tomorrow at the ski shop. Yeah. I don't know.

It just, it doesn't, it seems like it's a lot to handle. All right, but this guy shouldn't be extra cautious with the fact that he works with his new girlfriend's husband. That's not related to the partner who's also down to have a threesome with the new girlfriend. Yeah, or i mean like if you're gonna be extra careful be extra careful across the board like it seems like everything's already set up and and going like you might as well have this threesome you're doing everything

else god can you imagine being the husband that's like on the outside of a threesome and then you go to work at the ski shop and the guy comes in with a fucking shitty grin. How's the powder out there? How's the powder? And did you pork my wife? Yeah, I mean, last night was a blast. I fucking love this arrangement. Can you restock the beanies for me?

I can restock the beanies, and I think we're out of fingerless gloves. You might want to grab the catalog. Did she ride you, or was it more of an, okay, fuck. I was hoping you weren't going to say that she had done that. Do we have these boots in an 11? And how many times did you guys fuck? i think we do have those check the back and it's hard to say and the times yeah it's hard to say because it was just like one long fucking sex party okay so we have an 11 in this but okay and and in terms of the anal you're fired for yelling anal i'm sorry

i'm still gonna fuck your wife but you can't yell that in the ski shop but i'm not restocking the beanies man that's fine jesus christ what a complicated situation i want in i want in bad you would you do it you wouldn't you would never i can't imagine a world i'm sorry no one would ever with you is what i meant to say but would you i think if i did it it would be like with a new girlfriend that i wasn't very attached to i wouldn't do it with like a current girlfriend that i was already in love with right like if somebody that makes sense yeah like maybe i would be the third person that's like whoa this is a crazy exciting system you guys all have going on right you have way less

to lose yeah would you if there were if two people were married and they wanted to bring you in as the third would i be the third for a married couple yeah you would absolutely i just can imagine you wreck you would wreck a marriage for sure i've already ruined a mafia game it would be that except for a union i would feel much worse about the marriage that i ruined a mafia game that comes and goes yeah i don't even think that one was your fault i'll ruin a game night but i don't want to ruin a gay marriage i assumed i was being the third for a homosexual couple named brad and tony uh yeah but tony goes by aunt that's cool all right i'm in cool uh all right let's take a break thanks sponsors. And we'll come back with more questions and answers after this.

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You can listen to my boy. Me. Amir Blumenfeld. Yeah. On Punch Up the Jam. Punch Up the Jam, baby. Yeah, this was a fun one. When I was in New York a couple weeks ago,

I was on Miel's Punch Up the Jam podcast. Full disclosure, it is a HeadGum podcast. But it's a goodedgum podcast. But it's a good one. That being said, yeah, we dissect my favorite song, Hook, by Blues Traveler. That's right. And then I assign her with a way of making it better. And I say, the song is perfect to me.

It's flawless. I have no notes. I guess the one thing that would make it better would be to make it about the Lakers. And then she did it. The end of the episode is her doing the Blues Traveler hook, fast, rappy part of the song, but about the Lakers this year. Did you hear it? Oh my, no, I have not heard it yet. Did you, God, did you love that? Yes, I did. Truly perfect.

I did love it a lot. What does she say when she says suck it in suck it in suck it in if you're rintin tin well i don't want to spoil it for you you're gonna have to listen to the podcast fine um but i think i also put it on my twitter if you want a sneak preview of it that's probably exactly what i'll do but But I'll listen to the whole entire episode too. Because it's a good-ass show. It's a good-ass show, and that was a great-ass ep. And it was very fun because she hated the song, so she was constantly asking me about it, and I was constantly defending it,

telling her that, like, yeah, this part's great. Yes, I love that part too. No, I don't think that part's cheesy. I think it's all good. And it is, like, I's an it's a notoriously bad song i i would think i is it i didn't know that because isn't it when i was growing up i loved it and my friends loved it too but we were all 11 so i don't know if it was notoriously bad i guess i don't remember now either but like i always thought it was bad like it's not even catchy catchy to me this is what the

podcast episode is about exactly how she said it's not is it it's not the hook i hate it whoa don't ruin it fine okay um yeah i i do feel like there's a there was another song on punch up the jam that they did um that i was like wait that's an unpunchable that song is perfect crash into me yeah like that's what how could that song possibly be improved it couldn't be did dave's the goat i believe uh they they did their best i don't know if they fucking did because i think the song's perfect of course so what you feel about Crash Into Me is what I feel about Hook by Blues Traveler. Mm-hmm.

That makes sense. All right. We got a few Christmas-related questions. Nice. Happy holidays, brother. Yeah. Anyway. I mean, Merry Christmas.

Sorry. What was the outcome of the war on Christmas? I know it's over, but I don't know who won. You won. Really? Yeah, you won. So now we say happy holidays instead. How cool is that?

That's awesome. Take that, Christmas. All right. This is a 23-year-old lady who's living at home with her mom. So we'll call her... Cindy Lou Who. Who? Cindy call her... Cindy Lou Who. Who? Cindy Lou Who.

Cindy Lou Who. Is that a Christmas reference? Yeah, dude. She was the girl on the Grinch, from the Grinch. He stole Christmas, well, from everyone, but specifically Cindy Lou Who

is the one that kind of caught his ass. Okay, so Cindy Lou Who writes, Christmas is around the corner and I have a decision to make regarding spending Christmas with my mom and sister or with my boyfriend and his brother. My mom isn't really into Christmas, so I where should I spend my Christmas morning? Thanks, love, Cindy Lou Who. It's a rite of passage that you start spending your Christmases with your significant others. That's like, that happens. And then if all goes well, you marry them, you have kids, and then you start having the Christmases all back together again. If you love something, let it go.

If it comes back to you, it's yours. And that's what you have to tell your mom. This is a good sort of microcosm of why I dislike this time of year is because of all the logistical nightmares. And I always feel like I'm pissing someone off, disappointing someone, letting someone down, giving the wrong gift, going to the wrong place, figuring out the schedule, traveling, it's cold weather. I prefer to fast forward to January 4th. Yeah. Well, you are a Grinch. I'm surprised you didn't know Cindy Lou Who, because you stole Christmas.

The real Grinch doesn't even know about the grinch movie that's i guess that's probably accurate so that's if there is a real grinch although it is you don't it is easier when you're jewish dating a non-jew or the other way around because then it's like oh christmas with the non-jewish family yeah that's true jill's family doesn't do anything for christmas and i get to just just do her with family christmas that's true. Joel's family doesn't do anything for Christmas and I get to just do her with family Christmas. That's right. Which is kind of nice. But then the problem is my mom's birthday

is the day after Christmas. So then it's like, okay, I can spend Christmas with a non-Jewish girlfriend if necessary, but then I might be not in Los Angeles. So we have to fly during December 25th day or the day after, and that makes it even a bigger headache. Yeah, I don't know. I just love the holidays in general.

I like any mandated family time. I think it's nice. Thanksgiving. That's the perfect amount. You got a long weekend. It's still not freezing cold. End of November. Why are we all coming back

together four weeks later and doing it again because it was so fun the first time and thanksgiving food is bad so like whoa it's nice to come back and just get presents and you don't really have to worry about the meal i don't want mashed potatoes mother stick my stocking filled with joy i think christmas thanksgiving has too many regimented traditions. It's like you have to make turkey. You have to make pie. You have to, like, there's just, there's too much. And everyone does it the same.

I think Christmas is like, there's so many different traditions that you can kind of make it your own. You can carol. You can just sit around the tree you can uh make cookies or uh rice sit by the fire you can make rice if you want to you can make rice if you want to you can leave santa behind everyone's caroling and you're singing that behind a piano that's not tuned because jews don't rice and if they don't rice then they're no friends of santa uh nice we're gonna do jingle bell next thank you jake jingle rice jingle rice wait outside wait the fuck the hell did i do silent rice holy rice see you can make christmas anything you want that's why it's the goat and

you get presents at the end of the fucking day don't you have you ever gotten bitch have you ever have you ever gone to a christmas tree thing and done that whole thing of like choosing a tree and wrapping it in a net and bringing it home yeah of course yes as. As an adult? Yes. Really? You've gotten a tree? Yeah. Where'd you put it? Where did I put the tree? Yeah. In my parents' living room.

Oh, I see. But not like, I'm living here now and I'm going to get a tree and put it in my house. Jill would never allow that to happen. She's a Grinch in the same fashion that you are. But even before Jill, you never like, like i'm gonna get a tree just for me yeah i usually i mean i usually spend like the full two weeks before christmas at home so it's it's never made sense for me to like get a tree because you really just want it to be there on christmas and it's nice to see it but like if i'm i'm not gonna like get a tree for five days

just to let it die while i go home right if i If I had like kids one day and we're doing Christmas like at my house and like I'll definitely, definitely do a tree. Let me ask you about the process since I've never done it. Okay. You go to the tree place. Are those trees planted in the ground or they've already been sliced and diced and they're being propped up dead? There's all different kinds.

There are some places where the trees have already been cut down. They're already wrapped up even. And you just point to a tree, you pick it up, it goes home with you. Okay. Then there's some that are like out there on display. You're like, this is the one. They wrap it up for you. They put it in the car.

They send you home. Then there's some where you, it's a tree farm. You walk out, you grab a tree farm you walk out you grab a saw you walk out you choose your tree you cut it down yourself and bring it back i've done that before too that's that's really fun that's very tradition that's that's the original you're literally fucking sawing a tree down at its bark that's if you're if you really love christmas that's the kind of shit you do if you you're doing hot cocoa, decorating the tree, if you've got the box of ornaments, you put the star on top,

you've got the stockings, you string in popcorn, that's for that level. Gingerbread man cookie type shit, that's that level. That's that train around the tree. That's that cut your own fucking tree down on a farm shit okay so you cut the tree down you bring it home how's that tree standing up you get a christmas tree stand what's the christmas tree it's it's a big like uh aluminum uh or metal uh saucer it kind of it looks i guess it looks like a big planter. And you

put the tree in there. There's a little clamp that you screw in to stand it upright. Stabilize the tree. Stabilize the tree. And then it just stands right up in the corner. It's basically in a big metal planter. I think...

I mean, the tree is dying. It's not like, but it's alive. You put water in there. Oh, really? It's like a plant that you can keep alive for a few weeks. Got it. What's the going rate for a solid six-foot tree? Over, under $100? I'm actually not sure off the top of my head.

I think it's under $100. I guess I would guess like $79. That's pretty good for a tree. I don't know if I'm right, to honest with you though yeah could be way more than that I guess any other questions your daddy usually pays for the tree right I mean I usually do but I couldn't

I'm sort of a piece of shit so like I couldn't even tell you like how much my breakfast cost this morning I don't really look I'm a oh no this the average christmas the average price for a living christmas tree was 63 last year it rose to 73 this year okay so yeah i was actually pretty fucking close is that what is how your family does the slicing and slicing and dicing or they have the plastic kind we did the slicing and dicing when we were

younger but i mean now we now i don't even know if we got a tree last year actually like because the kids are so spread out this year no we we actually did get a tree last year we we just pick it up at home depot though we do the easiest thing sounds pretty sounds pretty magical and you get the gifts and from santa gifts from Santa gifts from Santa stockings that's beautiful man you just sort of sing with your family

yeah we sing with the family my old man hates to sing sorry to hear that we never had a tree growing up yeah well do you he had a pigskin go long amir he used to say whipped it past the back of my head i'm really sorry to hear that that sounds awful do you want to do you want to spend the christmas with my family this year is that my dad wouldn't allow that i'd miss the big game with him. He's a huge Alabama football fan. Roll Tide, he used to tell me.

I think you are making it seem like you were some kind of high school or college athlete who was forced to play football against his will. You're not very athletic at all. You would have never, ever. Never made it to first string. First string? Never made it to second string either. What string did you make it to?

Yeah, I was a backup oboe player in the... In the band? The Jewish choir. Okay. And your dad would throw footballs at you? No. Not footballs. What's it called?

Plates. Pigskin. You called it called? Plates. Pigskin. You called it a pigskin. So I'm confused that he would throw plates at you. Like a porcelain plate. Like whatever you eat out of. Like it's dinner time.

You're getting, what is that called? The saucer. Yeah, I mean, it's called a plate. Yeah, he used to whiz that by me Frisbee style. He used to nick me in the back of the head. Right, I was going to say, if you didn't know what plates were were called and i guess a bunch of them must have hit you in the head i'd love to try that hot cocoa you were talking about what is that like uh like chocolate but like a drink that's warm to have it wait hey dude your dad's behind you look out no it all sounds great. It all sounds magical.

Hanukkah's fun too, but what are you going to do? Hanukkah's great. I love Hanukkah. That's a great one too. Actually, speaking of Hanukkah, we have a question from a 25-year-old Israeli. Nice. Yeah.

That's Hanukkah. That's Hanukkah. We'll call her Shoshana because that's an Israeli name. 25-year-old Shoshana writes, First, though, I'd like to offer both of my cats as godchildren to Jake. I'll let you know that I named one of them after his D&D character's father, Balnor, in great honor and respect. Balnor.

You better show him some respect. Put some respect on Balnor's name, Blumenfeld. Sorry. All right. What did I say, Balnor? You said Balnor, and it's Balnor's name, Blumenfeld. Sorry. All right. What did I say, Balnor? You said Balnor, and it's Balnor. And it doesn't have a canonical last name, you little piece of shit,

so you better respect that too. Now to my issue at hand. I'm flying over to Berlin next week all by myself to party at lesbian clubs and for a concert by J.I.D., a rapper from Atlanta. Tight.D., a rapper from Atlanta. Tight. It's a dream come true, as most of my favorite artists never get to Israel, so I'm wondering

how to make this trip unforgettable and actually meet him, get a selfie, and maybe give him a gift. Maybe that's too much. How do I get his attention? Do I arrive before the opening at the venue to hope to catch him do i get to go backstage do i throw myself on stage should i wait around till afterwards how do i get his attention help toda and happy hanukkah love shoshanna all right so she's she lives in israel someone's coming. Who's going to Israel? No, JID is going to Berlin where she's also going to be. Oh, I see.

She's going to a Berlin club to see a DJ or a rapper. I see. I would not go there early. Stay late. They've got to leave the club at some point. Yeah. And you just got to stay. We experienced this in a small extent

with our live shows like we try to meet people after the show who got like a meet and greet pass but then afterwards we just walk outside and there's usually like you know five to thirty people who are just hanging out waiting yeah to catch us for free right and that's how you game the system you just told everyone the goddamn cheat code well the problem is sometimes they don't if you're that way it's kind of a crapshoot because sometimes we don't go out that way right if i mean if you're really famous i don't know how famous this guy is but like if you're really famous you have a handler in like a car waiting for you and they whisk you away right so you and i are yeah we're fucking d-list celebrities so

they're like your show's over, call a fucking Uber, bye. Yeah, we have to wait outside by ourselves. Do you remember that one time that bouncer kicked you out into the alleyway in a puddle? No, where? I just performed here, sir. He threw me out DJ Jazzy Jeff style, like I was trying to sneak into the backstage area that I belonged in. You signed your last autograph. He picked you up by the collar of your shirt and the small of your back.

He said, who do you know here, bro? I was like, who do I know here? I am here. He turned to me. I shook my head no, and he tossed you through the saloon-style doors right into a dust bowl. So this lady, i don't know how popular jid is either is he going to be the kind of guy who's just hanging out after the show or not yeah i mean i think no matter what you kind of got to just hope to catch him afterwards and if

you try to get backstage and maybe you can't but maybe you can at least give him a gift give him a note sometimes people will bring um presents that people leave for us backstage also so like that's a possibility so this guy i would do that this guy has a backstage also. So that's a possibility. So this guy is a million followers on Instagram. He's pretty popular. So here's what you have to do instead. Just try to enjoy the moment of being there at the show with everyone else. It's already really cool that you're from Israel.

This guy's from the States. You guys are going to go to, you're going to be at the same show at Berlin. You'll have an awesome time that's enough that's really really good and actually that's enough it'll be unforgettable and it will be bad unforgettable if you try to give them a present and you can't so you might as well just commit to to what you have under your control which is have a really good time yeah no expectations that's my new answer all right last question okay uh this guy who will call sandy kofax um writes i've got a query only a chipmunk and a man with crab claws can possibly solve i've been sexting with this girl And we were planning on quote hanging out pretty soon

But I've recently discovered She has a fairly large bush This is a huge turn off for me So is there any way I can hint at her to shave it before hanging out Without being called a total DB Also if you were me would you still hook up or not Love your boy Sandy kofax nice yeah no you don't you don't get to tell people what they do with their pubes

unfortunately for you how intense is this sexting that he already knows about this before they've hung out. Maybe there's pics being exchanged. Oh, wow. Unless you're describing in detail, you thrust your hand through my massive bush. It's like, wait. You took me out of the moment, babe. Yeah. I mean, you can't do anything. There's not anything to do.

You either get over it or you don't hook up with her. Yeah. And that's fine. Especially not for the first time. Maybe if you guys have a loving relationship and start talking about grooming habits, you can get to it eventually. But you haven't even met this person yet. Yeah. You're going to need to learn to love the bush.

Yeah. Maybe that would be the greatest gift of all. You talk about, like, what should I get my friend for Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever the idea that you can gift someone with some sort of certificate the ability to love the bush I think even for a young man to give his mommy that would be such an amazing gift

anyway Mrs. Hurwitz thanks for letting me spend Christmas with you guys. I don't know if I can really put this into a stocking, but my gift to you... I might be able to put it into a song. Love the bush. Love the bush. My dad throws a plate at you. Ah! It was worth it.

It was finally worth it. Jake, hit it. Love the bush. Love that rice. Eat it nice. Eating bushes, lots of lice. Hey, nice.

Imagine having crabs during Kwanzaa. Sorry, man. I'm really fucking high. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah, I know. I could tell. I tried to hide it. You did an edible before this one. You were sleeping during our mid-show break. You took a two-and-a-half-minute power nap, you said. It was so fucking fucked up of me,

and I'll never do it again. Powerful. You're sleeping. You're drifting into sleep right now. I'm trying to get acclimated for the New York trip tomorrow, and I'm afraid that I'll be super soaked the entire time. Yeah, you're going to be wet. You're going to be cold.

You missed the one bright day. All right. Thanks so much for for listening thanks for submitting your questions if you have your own theme songs or questions of your own send them all down to if i were you show at gmail.com for more if i were you you can always check out our patreon patreon.com slash ja that's right an episode every single week that you can't hear unless you're a member over there and you can even see it that's right. An episode every single week that you can't hear unless you're a member over there. And you can even see it. That's right. Look at us answering questions. If you think this is funny, wait till you see the faces I make. The opening theme song was written... Oh, right. That, um, what was the Jessie J cover? Jacob K. And this closing one...

Yeah. Closing one is take your time. Best advice. Yes. Best. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

No. Oh, right. It's a God Daughter theme song. And we've gotten so many requests for Jake to be the godfather of people that this is an actual song. That's awesome. Me and my godchildren really appreciate it. I love all my god children with all my heart. Shout out to my boys and girls out there,

all my sweet little God children, aka my real children, aka I am a God father and also a real dad now. Appreciate it. This is Mimi Millard. Thank you for considering my application to be Jake's God daughter. And I look forward to hearing

your adoption Attorney very soon Original song by Mimi and Kai We're in DC, do a show here Okay Mimi and Kai And thank you to Jacob K And thank you guys for listening We'll be back of course next week

Ciao everybody Peace I want to be Your goddaughter Your goddaughter your goddaughter Everly has nothing on me I want to be your goddaughter Rhiannon has nothing on me I would be the goat of your adoptions Renew your passports and pee in your bottles Oh, she's beautiful.

Oh, my God. God. Mariah has nothing on me. If you want some craisins, man, I got them souped in. Let's all be your best daughter. Your goddaughter. I want to be your goddaughter. I want to be your goddaughter.

Those words were out of context. That was a HateGum podcast.