Segments - 415: Hosting and Ghosting

Episode Date: December 30, 2019

In this episode we discuss our new years resolutions, Jake's foot surgery, and the ideal texting rate.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for Bonus Thursday Video episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. His deluxe pop-on It's pretty cool It's the all-day podcast Hosted by a chipmunk

In the pension, don't you worry Or you'll be sorry Oh, you never forecast it If I work your show At gmail.com Because you're a dumb hoe Amir is a chipmunk He only wants turkeys.

Jake's mom makes good cookies. Please add me on LinkedIn. Email in the podcast. Email in the podcast. Email in the podcast. Please add me on LinkedIn. It's Chippy Chip and the Pitch. Nice. Chippy Chip. it's chippy chip and the pitch nice chippy chip i like that for you i thought that was you no i'm the pitch i have been for years and years yeah get your crab claws out everybody knows that jake's the pinch

because i get shit done in a pinch you can count on me yeah when you're in a bind that's right that's right when the pressure's on jay money gets it done yeah chippy chip is sort of like it's it's a little insulting so more than a little insulting i mean you're a freaking you're nothing more than a chipmunk you're a little squirrel man you're you're basically a woodpecker except you can't fly you're like a you're like you're a wimpy little beaver you're a little woodland bitch a wimpy little beaver yeah that's what you are and i'm a fucking i'm a crustacean man i'm a lobster i'm a crustacean, man. I'm a lobster. I'm a crab. I got claws and you better watch out because you're getting pinched. Nice.

That was written by Claire Snitowski. Nice. That was a great song. I liked it a lot. She did a great job. She says she has a little unsolicited advice for us. Should we read it? Really?

Yeah, sure. If you don't know what to buy someone for a present, think about just one thing that they like, then look up a subscription box for that specific interest and just order the box for their birth month, then remove everything from the branded box and put it in a different box so they don't know that you didn't know them well enough

to buy them a real present. So you find out one thing, get them a box. Yeah. Then you take the box thing, get them a box. Yeah. Then you take the box, put it in a different box, disguising the fact that you got a subscription box. Yeah, like if there was like a basketball subscription box, you would order it just for one month, get the free preview or whatever,

and then cancel your membership. You put all the contents of the b-ball box and put it in like a box box that you found so it's totally free that's right totally free and it's a series of small gifts that you didn't have to pay for that match their interest very cool that's that is smart i like that i like that for you because you're uh sort of a a little rodent rat type guy that yeah we already we already said that doesn't want to spend cash on his friends. I like that for you. Claire also says, yeah, she also says that she has no real plug, but if we can add her on LinkedIn,

or if you know someone looking for an environmental geoscientist, she's attached her resume. Oh, environmental. I wonder if she studies these little striped yeah rodents from from the family shiridae which is what a chipmunk is i'm on the wikipedia for your uh family tree right now it's kind of cool yeah the wikipedia for my family tree yeah they're found in north america except for the siberian chipmunk which is found primarily in Asia. Yeah. So I guess that's probably where you... I'm obviously not that.

Well, you came from the other side of the pond. So I was thinking you're probably more of a Siberian chipmunk than a North American chipmunk. It sounds cold, actually, and I'm not interested in doing that. So thank you. Well, they're found all throughout Asia. It's not necessarily just... I think they originated in Siberia, but I'm sure that... Yeah, let me read about the distribution.

No, you don't have to. You don't have to read about the distribution of the Siberian chipmunk. I don't think so. Interesting. Very interesting. Yeah, the Germany, Italy, the Netherlands, Austria. This sounds like... This is definitely more you.

No. Very cool. It doesn't say anything about their chubby ass little cheeks and their buck teeth, but it talks about how they live in coniferous forests and stony areas. It's more like scientific than like the Wikipedia page. The Wikipedia page for that species wouldn't talk about, quote, chubby ass little cheeks. That's like not what scientists say. They mark their territory with urine, which is something you do no i don't i just be in a in a toilet i

guess that's me marking the toilet is mine but i'm not like going it is your toilet right yeah yeah it is my toilet but i'm not like pissing around like my house or anything like i have taken a leak around my house that's just to keep dogs at bay have you ever taken leak you see us you pee like in front of your house yeah i'll pee in front of my house and i'll pee in front of other people's houses to sort of mark my territory but i'm not like right that's what it's yeah like a chip that's what it's about yeah that is what it's about i just want p i would want little like animals to smell my urinals urine so that they know it's like okay that's that's that's exactly what that's exactly what we're talking about with

siberian chipmunks and chipmunks writ large. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you, Claire, for that. One more problem without you. One less problem without you. Parody. Yes.

Appreciate it. This is, of course, If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. Last episode of the decade. Whoa. 2020. Here we come. That's right. God right damn this episode's for december 30th two days before the decade ends lebron james's birthday as well shout out to the goat damn is that true i didn't know that he's turning 30 turning 35 today wow his golden birthday well now golden is like oh he's turning 30 on the 30th he's turning 30th he's turning 30

on the 30th he's turning 35 but it's still it's on the 35th which is kind of cool no it's not it's on the december that's today december 30th let's try to move on you don't have to you don't have to like nitpick every single thing i say so let's just we gotta just move on. We don't have to harp on every little hiccup that I come across. But you just want to harangue me, I guess. I don't want to hang me out to dry. Let's get started. No use beating a dead horse, Blumenfeld. I agree.

Let's just bury the hatchet and press on. Carry on my wayward son. Right? Yeah. Okay. Thank you. What's that? Fuck off, man.

Sorry. Nothing. We got a question from a 21-year-old gal in Connecticut. Oh, shit. That's where I am right now. That's right. What's a 21-year-old gal's name in Connecticut? Claire.

Oh, all right. Just like the lady that wrote us in. Oh, wow. Oh, cool. I'm in a bit of a pickle, writes Claire, this 21-year-old gal in Connecticut. There's an absolute hunk I've been talking to recently. Way out of my league. Tall.

Blonde. You get the drift. Super hot. I thought we were vibing. Yeah, I thought we were vibing. And then he made a joke that said maybe we're related does that mean he's not interested why would he give me his phone number over instagram dm if he wasn't into me if he is still interested should i still pursue someone that makes incest jokes thanks a boozle doozles love claire so he what i what was the

context in which he said maybe we're related was do they look alike or do they i don't understand yeah they either look alike have the same last name uh similar uncles maybe and she's like i'm i don't want to pursue someone that makes incest jokes yeah or does that mean that mean, like, is it like the same kind of thing where it's like, yeah, you remind me of my little sister? I mean, that's a lot creepier than saying, like, ha ha, maybe we're related. Like, I would be less inclined to hang with someone who kept on talking about how I remind them of their sibling. That seems creepy.

Yeah. A maybe we're related isn't even necessarily an incest joke if you haven't like hooked up with them yet. Yeah, but it's still like... In fact, actually, you're the one that's inferring, you're obsessed with incest. Me? Yeah, you. But I don't know what else I would expect from a Siberian chipmunk. Yeah, I guess a good piece of unsolicited advice is to not bring up the idea or put into the ether some sort of notion that you are related to the person you're flirting yeah that that makes sense but at the same time if someone does do that it kind of seems fine as long as it's not like

direct incest joke yeah if you haven't fucked, then you can say as much as you want about being related, I think. Really? You don't think it kind of ruins the mood a little bit? I guess it could. Well, not to put it like that. You're my cousin, in a way. Right up until the moment of penetration,

it's fine to talk about being related. Like, during foreplay, it's fine to mention that being related like during foreplay it's fine to mention that you could be someone's uncle if you're doing sloppy seconds you can mention that you're second cousins and if you're at third you can say we're third niece and nephew twice removed and first base is first place for first kissing cousins but it's a home run that isn't homespun. You can knit that into a quilt and sell it on your cafe press. No way. Web stores.

No, what a stupid quilt that would be. That would suck. I think that's a fine quilt. That weird riddle poem about fucking your fucking cousins, you want to knit it onto a quilt? Well, obviously it wouldn't fit on a fine quill. That weird riddle poem about fucking your fucking cousins, you want to knit it onto a quill? Well, obviously it wouldn't fit on a t-shirt. It's too... No.

It's a little too robust of a saying. Yes. But that doesn't mean that it's not worth putting on a blanket and having it on as a throw. Yeah, it has nothing to do with the length of the sentence. It was the context of it. Yeah. I guess I... Well, you know, I think to each their own.

That would be an awful quilt. Maybe, but I think that's... The polarization of it is what makes it interesting. Does that mean he isn't interested, she asks? No, I think it just means he made a bad joke. Yeah, maybe he regrets it. Maybe he doesn't think, she asks. No, I think it just means he made a bad joke. Yeah. Like, yeah. Maybe he regrets it.

Maybe he doesn't think about it at all. Right. I think he made a dumb joke that you're reading too far into. It's not that he's not interested, but I also don't think it should, it shouldn't cool you off entirely. I think it's still fine. Would he,

should I still pursue someone that makes incest jokes? I think if they make, it depends on the incest joke. Like, I don't think this guy made a really offensive incest joke. There's been worse. Yeah. I think, I think, at least in terms of the joke that he made,

it's fine. And if the incest stuff continues, then I guess I probably wouldn't pursue that person but for now proceed with caution and reverence yeah there's not a lot of people to hook up with when you're home for the holidays especially in connecticut i felt your pain once before so i think this is this is like in the grand scheme of things, this is still chill and it's worth hanging, especially if you're super attracted to him.

All right. We got another question about a guy who's married, but in some sort of social media predicament. Ooh. So we'll call him. What's a character from the new Star Wars movie? Geez, I haven't seen it yet uh probably uh freaking luke skywalker that's cool yeah luke writes hi guys i'm friends with a girl who got into pole dancing within the last year she posted she posts videos of herself pole dancing

on instagram pretty much every day i also have a vocation and post photos or Instagram videos pretty much every day, which she likes a large percentage of. I'm very impressed with her dancing and I feel like I should reciprocate, but it feels creepy in a way. The stuff she posts is very sexually suggestive. I'm worried that me suddenly starting to like most of her stuff will make things weird between us in person because I'm in a relationship but my girlfriend doesn't use instagram so her seeing me liking things and getting jealous isn't really an issue thanks love luke skywalker wait he's gonna start liking her posts and he thinks that's why does he think it's weird because she's stripping in it and then it's like whoa is this flirtatious all of a sudden i'm liking your hot photos now wait it's his girlfriend or his

friend his friend but he's in a relationship with somebody else oh sorry i thought it was his girlfriend and he was worried about liking his okay this changes things yeah he's like in a relationship and his other friend who he like usually likes photos of, is now posting sexy photos. So it's like, ugh, should I not like this? Because they're all hot. Yeah, I probably wouldn't. I probably wouldn't. Do you do that?

I don't know what the right answer is. Maybe I'm not giving it, but I think other people see it. Just try not to like the thirst trap photos even if you're not liking it for the thirst trappy reason yeah even if you're like this is i'm proud of you for being a good dancer i think you still might as well not like the photo yeah what if you don't like it but you just leave that as a caption i'm proud of you for being a good dancer in a non-sexual way i am sort of distancing myself from the hotness of it uh i did want to check in uh and hashtag let you know that i do congratulate you on being a good stripper not stripper dancer of course you're not stripping you're just on a pole shit submit right perfect

you know what can i amira do you mind if i I pick up this phone call that I'm getting real quick? We can leave it in the pod. What? One second. Oh, no, I missed it. Okay. So, yeah, my car broke down and it got sent to East Rock Auto. Shout out to East Rock Auto.

They're great. Okay. I needed a new alternator uh i was hoping they were going to be able to get it to me it's um it's the thing that charges your battery or keeps your battery in line i guess maybe it helps it hold the charge i'm not entirely sure but it's it's something to do with my car's battery uh i thought my battery was your car didn't turn on yeah my car didn't turn on. Yeah, my car didn't turn on.

We jumped it. It turned on for a little while. I drove downtown. It didn't turn on again. I called AAA. They told me that I needed a new alternator. And so now your car is at the shop and they called you to tell you about your alternator? Yeah, exactly. So I was sort of curious as to what they were saying when they were calling me back.

But you know what? I missed the call. There's not really anything I can do about it now. Let's press on. You can call them back if you want. Yeah, maybe. Well, is that insane? Oh, here's a voicemail I can play from them.

Okay. We'll splice this into the episode, right? Okay, yeah, yeah. Or put it up to the microphone. Hi, Jacob, Paul from East Rock Auto. The Toyota truck is all set for you. I'm here tonight until 5.30. Thanks.

They have my truck. It's fixed. Shut up, Siri. This is the fucking riveting-ass podcast content people tune in for. It's me checking my voicemail. It's me yelling at Siri. Now I go to East Rock Auto and I pick up my car. And then aren't you getting rid of your car though anyway?

Yeah, this is actually a fun story, especially because my sister, Sarah, listens to the podcast. But we're releasing this episode on the 30th. So this will have already happened by now. But I am giving my truck to my sister as a Christmas gift. So the gift is, here's my broken ass truck. The alternative is work. The charge doesn't keep. It often dies. But hey, it's yours to deal with.

Yes. This is why you're a fucking rodent. Because I do something that's nice for my sister and you fucking just belittle it. Why don't you give her the car you're going to get and then you keep your shitty ass broken down truck. What's your new car going to be? I sarah to have that car

i'll give you something man it's a fucking turdy what how's that you get a turdy for your negative ass attitude and your energy towards my tacoma which is the goat truck it's the it's the best truck of all time i've had it for like 10 fucking years and it just broke down today for the first time ever for the first time ever well the one other time the battery also died i've had problems with it but it does it's never broken it has never broken broken down before you know that's never happened except for one other time okay i just jump started a car for the first time last week really yeah and how did that experience go for you um it was a little difficult but youtube sort of paved the way i was was scared because I had to use jumper cables, and they're like, don't do this because it might electrocute you. So the stakes were high.

Yeah, it is a scare. I mean, I've always had older cars, so I've been jumping cars since I turned 16. Have you ever electrocuted? No, but I made sparks fly out of it one time. Yeah. like no but i made sparks fly out of it one time yeah that's the fun thing about jumping a car is that it makes you feel really manly and like you know what you're doing and you feel like an auto mechanic without actually doing anything right it's basically like a children's puzzle yeah you pop a hood you clip on the four cables and then you start you start the car you start the other

car and then like the car that was dead comes to life and you're like wow i fixed it and i and like there were two hoods popped i you know you just feel really good but you don't actually it's not actually that hard which is why it's nice you didn't actually fix anything you just sort of put a cable on a little node although well especially today when which i've jumped three different cars today to alone oh and because my my dad's car died so i jumped it which then i think killed my battery oh we jumped my battery i went downtown car died jumped it again and it didn't work so triple a had to tow it i did i did learn that um after you start your car after jumping you have to to drive it for half an hour because that's what charges the battery. Yeah, when your car is on, you're charging the battery.

Yeah, so you can't just charge it. Apparently, it has something to do with an alternator. Oh, interesting. Now I'm learning something new. Because, yeah, my alternator was – so the guy from AAA was showing me. It's like your battery – I just jumped it. It's at 10 volts. It should be at 14. It should be climbing. But watch. And then we watched as it went down from it it's at 10 volts like it should be at 14 it should be climbing

but watch and then we watched as it went down from like it was at 10 then it was at 9 then it was at 8 it was like oh okay so like even though my battery was just jumped it's slowly dying without the alternator yeah why don't car batteries have like phone batteries give me like a percentage let me know how close i am to dying. I think some cars do. Newer cars definitely do. Yeah, my car doesn't. It has the gas gauge, of course, but nobody cares that much about the battery gauge of it. Yeah, I guess like, well, if you have like an electric car, it'll show you. Yeah, that's everything. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back with some more questions and answers before the decade expires. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ad somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people.

Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support

because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody,

but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available?

It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think., Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store,

an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we are back uh jake do you have any And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't think I do, but what about you, bud? I have some New Year's resolution that I thought I'd pass on.

And maybe you can join me. Maybe our listeners can join as well. I'm curious. Let's hear it. My classic New Year's resolutions, of course, is to use my phone less, to read more, to exercise more. These are overarching ones that I do to varying degrees of success, but never anything completely long-lasting. Right. So I thought, let's get specific this year. Let me see if I can do this much. I want to, and I urge everyone to do the same,

not view any Instagram stories. That's right. Literally the least you can do. Are you going to post on Instagram stories? Of instagram stories because sometimes we promote shit okay so you want people who you rely on to look at and click your instagram stories to stop i think that's i'm not i'm not even condemning it i respect it because i agree that instagram stories are universally bad. Yep. Empty calories. My life has never, ever been enriched by looking at an Instagram story. I've never, ever watched one and said, I'm glad I did that. Let alone even remember what I saw. That's right. Minutes turn into hours,

turn into, I don't know how many days I've spent this year looking at stories that just sort of enter my eyes and exit through my brain like empty calories flowing through me. I can't remember any of them, like you said. I'll tell you a couple of the negative things that looking at Instagram. All right. So here's my – this is one theory that I have about Instagram stories. Because sometimes when I have a ton of emails, a ton of errands, a ton of notifications, just shit that I have to do, I will compulsively look at Instagram and just click through stories without really, just letting it wash over me. And I think it's satisfying to know that you're like getting rid of notifications because those don't mean anything. And you're like, I'm going to clear this feed. I can't clear anything else.

I have text to respond to. I have things to record. I have places to be. But I can click through this and it'll be empty and it'll be done. Yeah, but I never even get, I never get to the end of it. There's always more. I like, I watch five, six, seven. I, but I never get to the end of it. There's always more. I watch five, six, seven,

and I'm like, I have to stop. There's like 80 more and I'm not going to be able to watch them all. Oh yeah, I don't get through it either, but I think that there's something satisfying about like click, click, notification, clear, clear, clear. I do it with Twitter sometimes too. Like just here's a blue button

and now it's not a blue button anymore. I did good. There's some kind of like weird Pavlovian response to be like, this, this thing has been activated. So I think that's, that's, first of all,

that's just my theory. My, here's something negative that I think happens from Instagram stories. I will be at a party catching up with someone I haven't seen in a while. And they'll be like, Oh, I was just in Paris. And I'll be like, i saw like like it matters like i like their instagram story of the eiffel tower conveys anything of the emotion and the adventure of their like of the

journey that they were on right like i feel compelled to say that I saw it on Instagram. So it like, aside from being a time suck, I think it downgrades your conversations when people tell you about their lives if you like have seen it already on Instagram. Right. I don't need to catch up with you. I already know what you saw and what happened. Right. And I think you still do need to catch up with people, but I think it gives you a sense that you don't or that you already have caught up, that you're up to date, you're up to speed on somebody. Right. And here's my last thing that I would say about Instagram stories.

If you eliminate Instagram stories, if you don't look at them, all you have left is Instagram posts which are all so bad have you thought about that why not just give up instagram entirely because the posts i'm thinking about like oh okay so maybe if i don't look at instagram stories i look at my posts and what that's all garbage too man and then at that point why are you stopping at instagram what are you checking twitter for this is insane just looking at instagram it's so dumb it's so dumb you can just look at it once a day before bed and see everything in nine minutes but instead you're checking it 34 times a day for 30 seconds yep but oh my god it's instagram stories are so dumb you said you moved instagram from your uh home screen did that do anything um oh yeah i guess a little bit i i definitely i don't know if it's if it's made like a major impact on like how often i look at it

but it makes me a little more conscience conscious every time i do i'm like here i go you know it's not just like it's not it's not a robotic click it's like a oh where is it oh it's on this page oh you're looking at instagram good for you oh good for you it makes it gives you a tiny little sense of shame which you deserve do you think you'll join me in this experiment? Yeah, I guess I'm at least, I'm curious. That means you'll never do it. Never, ever. They make them so goddamn enticing. I think I would be more likely to do something like

look at Instagram once a day or like, Yeah, that would be more my thing. Right. The right before bed or right when you wake up, like a morning digest. Limit the time. Because I think what I have more of a problem with is the amount of times all of my apps get open. When I'm just standing there, I'm like,

I'll refresh New York Times. I'll refresh Twitter. I'll refresh my emailork times i'll refresh twitter i'll reflect refresh my email look at slack i'm just like trying to find something to do with my time you know what i've been doing since i've been home is just leaving my phone like upstairs so i can actually talk to people without being like looking at my phone yeah and then do you ever notice like whenever there's a lull in the conversation and six people are on their phone and yours is upstairs? Yeah. But then I sort of just sit there smugly and I'm like, I'm better than my mom.

Do you ever say that out loud? I'm better than everyone. I said that out loud last night, but it was at 2 a.m. and I was in my parents' room. I was trying to sleep and I was trashed. And I was using my phone because I didn't look at it all day. So I'm sort of scanning. I had backed my truck into the shed. I'm scrolling on Snapchat saying, I'm better than my mom.

I'm better than my mom. Look at me. I'm better than my mom. Yeah. All right. That's my unsolicited. Let's see if I can even follow it. I like it.

I mean, I do think that there's no point in the amount that we all look at our phones. That's true. Do you remember that guy, Dan, who works at the bar that was doing that phone lightbox or light phone? Yeah, he had like a little flip phone. It like only does emails and texts. No maps even. Yeah. It seems like it needs, it seems like you need maps, but you know, let's get lost again. We don't get lost anymore. Do you realize how fucked up that is? Kids don't get lost.

That's everything. I don't know if I need maps that often. Oh, sorry. For the most part. I was just trying to have this like revelation, but no, you're right. You don't know if i need maps that often oh sorry for the most part i was just trying to have this like revelation but no you're right you don't really know yeah sorry i'm sorry kids don't get lost you want more children getting lost no i'm not liking a bad i was just saying that like so like the childhood wonder man is gone a little bit right well my net worth is tied up in this podcast a little bit but so like can we not go on record saying amir blumenfeld wants to lose children because like

you get canceled i get canceled like that is not yeah don't ideal for us yeah i don't want kids to get lost i mean like lost in like yeah lost in a book or something i don't know like always yeah they should always have their phones on and listening to this show i think sorry you just you turned it into children should listen to the show they should always have their phones on and listening to the show can you just like i don't say the wrong things i'm this close to the year 2020 yeah so let's do new year's resolution. You don't pitch children getting lost, and then you also don't insist that they listen to our show nonstop.

I think that's... So children can do whatever they want as long as they have maps, I think, is my unsolicited advice. Fine, fine, awful. We have a lady who's in a New Year's Eve dilemma. We have two days. She has two days to listen to this.

There's just time. By the way, though, I don't have a New Year's resolution, so I think I have to, by next week, I've got to come up with one. It's too early for me to have a New Year's resolution. It's going to be to get jacked. All right, go ahead. That's your New Year's and every Tuesday resolution. Yeah, nonstop. All right. Eve writes, I'm going to a party on New Year's Eve with my boyfriend and his friends. Yeah, nonstop. and then he ghosted her. And I know he wouldn't want me to bring her. So what should I do? I don't want to be rude to Ella and leave her out of my New Year's plans.

But I know Jake won't want her there and he may even say that she can't come if I ask him. But what if she's already invited herself? Do you see my quandary? Thank you. Love, Eve. I think if it's a party that you can just bring this person.

It's not your problem that you're bringing her and it's more jake's problem for sleeping with someone and ghosting them yeah like do you feel bad bringing someone that the host ghosted like what are you bringing her for i ghosted and i'm hosting now i ghosted and then i hosted you don't the host can't ghost you can't spell ghost without host i just don't yeah like i think if it's a big enough party it doesn't really matter and if as long as this girl ella is not trying to go to confront jake because then you're sort of like enabling a weird confrontation, and maybe it should just happen not at a party. But it's... Yeah, that's what I'm curious about. Does she

only want to go to be like, oh, well then, you ghosted me, and here I am. That's right, Eve brought me, so you can't get mad at me. I think that it seems like it's more like, I want to go to a party, I don't care about Jake ghosting me anymore. Or maybe she's like, maybe I'll still hook up with him if she still likes him. You never know. But as long as Ella hasn't given you any signs, like, I want to go so I can cause a scene, then it seems like it's going to be okay. Yeah.

Ask your friend if her intentions are true. I wonder if you even have to ask the intentions. It's also like, I don't know. This is so, Ella doesn't need your invitation to go if she already invited herself. She knows the party. She knows the host. She had sex with him.

She can definitely just show up. All you're doing is giving her a ride and you're probably taking an Uber. So you could just be like, I don't know. Hey, I'm just here at your party. Thanks for having me. Did you hook up with Ella? Weird.

Bye. I'm going to go get punch. We don't have punch. I specifically didn't have punch because I knew Ella wouldn't be here. Sorry. You didn't have punch because you know how much Ella likes punch, but she wasn't coming, so you didn't have it? I was afraid she'd want punch. You guys are both clearly obsessed with each other.

Maybe you should be together. I love her. I just can't deal with the punch talk anymore. The ghost reappears. It's a disaster already. So, yeah, you don't have to ask for permission right yeah no i don't think you have to ask asking for permission inserts you in a way that seems like more meaningful than you need to be this is not your drama you're just going to a party

that's right you didn't ghost anyone you're not hosting a party. You are not even like, yeah, you're fine. Whatever is going to happen, it's going to happen with or without you. All right. Last question. Ready? But have fun. Yeah. Okay.

Have fun. We'll call this guy Australia because he's from Australia. Cool. So I met this girl and she's great. And we hit it off immediately. And I've had four nights of passionate sex, been out a few times and nonstop communicating ever since. I've known her for about six weeks.

But the trouble is she's gone off to Europe for 10 weeks. Here's the thing. I really want to message her the whole time she's there from back home in Australia and ask her about the trip, etc. But I want her to, you know, live her best life, and I don't want to be the reason that she doesn't have an amazing time, and fuck heaps of hot Italians or whatever. I've developed a strong connection,

and aim on continuing it when she's back home. I don't want her to go fuck heaps of dudes, obviously, but I also don't want to, go fuck heaps of dudes obviously but i also don't want to like rob her of any fun experience i guess my question is do i cut communication while she's traveling or does that send the wrong message thanks day one love you guys australia i love the aussies heaps heaps he's gonna fuck heaps of guys night we'll sort'll sort it out. We'll sort it. Don't worry. Call that a knife. This is a knife, guys. And we lost all of our Australian fans.

Wow. Of course. Roddy Rue. Roddy Rue. Walla Lalu. Do you text at all? Do you text too much? Do you let her decide the tempo of texting?

I think I really like this guy's mindset like he want he likes her he wants to talk with her but he doesn't want to rob her the experience but he doesn't want her to fuck heaps of guys but he also was like hey live your best life i think that's kind of that take that in your heart moving forward you can contact her as you probably less than constantly like less than you'd want to yeah check in ask how things are going and follow her lead like if you check in you say hey and she's like doesn't respond for a few days and doesn't give you a lot then like yeah give her a little space but if she's responding a whole bunch and like reaching out to you first and sending you pictures of her trip, then communicate as much as,

it's a dance. Just feel what is natural based on what you're getting. Here's what I say. You set the tempo at one text per day. Then based on her response time, you adjust accordingly. If she takes three days to respond, you can't go faster than 50% of that time traveled, okay? So you text her Wednesday at 11 p.m. She doesn't respond until Thursday at 11 p.m.

You better not text her back until Friday at 11 a.m. That's right. If you do it too fast and too, like, out of her tempo, she's going to be off-put. If you wait at her tempo, that might also be too slow. She's traveling. You're just at home. Why are you waiting a day? So you have to set it at exactly half the distance to her goal in order to achieve the goal of texting her, keeping the lines of communication open, but not freaking her out or distancing her too much.

I couldn't have said it better myself. I think, well, I could have said it, you sort of like, you sounded a little... I'm pissed. Yeah, you sounded unhinged. It was a weird rant. I'm erratic. But like, if you had written that down and submitted it to me and I said it in a normal voice, I think that's good advice. You freaked out.

You kind of. I freaked out a little bit. It felt like you spiraled into madness as you said it. But it was mostly. Like I'm sweating. Yeah. But like it was mostly about like the, it was like the cadence of your voice, not actually the content of what you said. The pitch too.

Yeah. Right, the pitch too. Yeah. You're still freaking still loud out for some reason why i don't understand it yeah like why am i mad now you're seeming like you're crying a little bit you're but i'm not beat red what's your hair is matted yeah it's greasy for the first time for the first time i've never had like a greasy haircut now the question though to me is i i agree with everything that you said yeah but setting the pace here's like what is the first it's the first few text messages that are the hard ones it's the pace setting it's you need the the lap car so like you send that first text she's on the flight you send the you send the first text like

that night maybe like hey i hope you got there safe i hope you're settling in i have a great trip and like let me know how it is or something or some kind of inside joke yada yada do you really you're smothering me that's a good text that's fine not once she's there do you really you're saying set the pace at one a day. Do you really send a text the following day after you say, I hope your flight was good. Have an amazing trip. You're going to set the pace at one a day and you're going to be like, hey, just checking in. What's for brekkie today?

Send a selfie, would you? Have an amazing time. I want you to experience everything. Uh, hey, avocado toast? Did you bring any Vegemite? Missed you heaps. Have you fucked an Italian

yet? Would you? Hey, is your boyfriend in Adelaide? I'm on the next flight to Florence. How's the gangbang in Venice send me your Airbnb information I'm starting to freak out do you really send the text the next day

I think you have to send the send the welcome to your welcome to the rest of your life text have a good one and then you have to wait you have to wait Send the welcome to the rest of your life text. Have a good one. And then you have to wait. You have to wait. Are you telling me there's no Wi-Fi anywhere you've been?

It's not like I'm asking you to check into an internet cafe. WhatsApp is free once you've dialed up. Alrighty-roo. Miss you heaps. How many Italians have you fucked, milady? Because I'm starting to get a little creeped out that you're not interested in me. It's not Australian pirate now. What happened?

I've decided to walk the plank with you. You have broken my heart, and I have to shart. Nyarrr. Nyarrr. No, but I do miss you, so call me back. Pirate's life for me. All right, babe. Remember when we went on a, I believe it was Australia or New Zealand or somewhere, and I was sort of dating someone, And then there was no communication over it. It got like very cool and casual to the point where

we didn't text for the entire time. And then I got home and the relationship basically ended. Like I texted her that I was back. She didn't respond. And we didn't see each other for years. I do. I remember that incredibly well. We we were in i believe it was us it was australia we were gone for like 10 days and in the middle of that trip you guys the text thing had slowed and you were like i don't even know if we're gonna see each other when we get back we got back i remember you texted shalom with an exclamation point and you never heard back from her and i never reached out again no you did don't you remember this part no three years later oh we were at our sister's brewing company and didn't you guys meet up and you found out why she ghosted you yeah sort of it was

basically like none neither of us were that interested in uh repursuing the relationship once i had returned and so when i sent her shalom exclamation point she's like that's it i'm not gonna text you after that and then she didn't respond to me and i was like that's it i'm not gonna fire another text message and i guess it was for the best it had it had thinned to the point of like barely even acknowledging you coming back and that was it's yeah so i guess when there is when both sides both sides have thrown their hands up yeah but like that wouldn't have happened if you were super into it like because you would have gotten back and you would have been like hey i'm back i've missed you i want to tell you all about my trip let's get dinner and she wouldn't have

been like she wouldn't have not responded to that yeah or if she was super into it she would have been excited to receive the shalom exclamation right so i think as long as one party is super into it there will at least be some kind of there at least will like have to be some kind of clarity like if you missed her the entire time but felt like you didn't hear from her enough and then she gets back and you're like hey i want to hear about the trip like then at the very least you guys would have like a breakup you won't get completely ghosted uh like uh blumenfeld did i was i was a ghost by a host yeah well i guess the ghost reappeared a few years later i was that was i don't really that was i remember firing off those texts three years later i don't know why we did that yeah i don't even

know if it was three years i feel it's just like eight months i thought it was i really thought it was it was at least a year i don't think i've seen that person since that refiring so i guess it wasn't meant to be yeah um you're getting surgery soon by the time this comes out it'll have been done yeah i will either have a fixed metatarsal or I'll be dead. So good on me. After all the hooting and hollering on this podcast, I feel like it's the end of an era.

Your foot pain might be coming to a close. My foot pain may actually be coming to a close. That would be absolutely incredible. I go under the knife on Tuesday and it is, it's Friday right now. So I've got, I've got four days going to go into surgery in four days.

Yeah. And then by the time this comes out, it'll be like a week after that. So we'll be able to fill people in, in the new year. Oh yeah, baby. Well,

Godspeed. I hope you survive it. Thank you. Yeah, me too I think I got my pre-op and they said I was healthy I had a good blood pressure they said

and I'm not allergic to anesthesia so I have a good chance alright so if you have any questions for us or theme song submissions the email address for all of it always is ifireashow at gmail.com Claire wrote the opening one this closing one you know it was really good and I can't The email address for all of it, always, is ifireyoushowatgmail.com. Claire wrote the opening one.

This closing one, you know, it was really good, and I can't remember if we used it before. So if we used it before, I apologize, but it's good. And if you're hearing it again, you're welcome. It's by Rob August. So thank you, Rob, for submitting it twice for us. Thank you, Claire, as well. Thanks to you guys for listening throughout the decade here's to another 10 years together damn love it 2020 through 2030 um yeah you know next we should we should do like uh next week we should just do like a year or a

a reflection on the decade where were we yeah that's what we should have done for this podcast, but too late. All right, I'll delete the audio and we can just start it again. Oh, awesome. All right, cool. All right, cool. We'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Peace.

Tell me about a time you had a situation You didn't know how to seize the cheese You didn't have the best advice. Jake and Jim, give their two cents. But mostly waste your time on the podcast called If I Were You. Here we are again Monday afternoon Needing content I wanna fill your voice

Or else I'll kill myself in a Starbucks So I turn to sticky situations and misunderstandings as I make fun of my two Jews

better than no attention at all Mom turned the podcast down I'm coming didn't mean to say that out loud talking about a time you had a situation didn't know how to seize the cheese you can have the best and finest chicken,

shared love, give them some sense. But mostly waste your time on the podcast on the iBirdU. That was a hate gum podcast.