Segments - 416: Foot For Thought

Episode Date: January 7, 2020

In this episode we discuss Jake's surgery, Amir's new Twitter handle, and of course... poetry.For more IF I WERE YOU, you can watch over 25 bonus video Thursday episodes on our Patreon.com/JA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything.

Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one.

In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no okay was that a string quartet that was an acoustic cover of Stoney's classic intro theme from Eric Sandhoffner. I feel like Sandhoffner did a string quartet. I really thought I heard a cello in there.

Yeah, Eric, or Evan, let us know. He said he's been a fan for a decade now. Shout out to 2020. Jesus. Which is wild. Thanks for everything decade now. Shout out to 2020. Jesus. Which is wild. Thanks for everything we do. And if we could plug his Twitter, it's Evan Sandhoffner.

Good luck trying to figure out how to spell that. I think it's a fucking cool-ass name, Sandhoff. How would you spell Sandhoffner? S-A-N-D H-A-U-F-N-E-R. It's H-O-E-F-N-E-R.

Oh, wow. Yeah, that's hard. H-O-E-F. Yeah, okay. Be one of those. Yeah. Speaking of Twitter handles, Jake, I don't know if you saw. I saw.

Much to my chagrin, actually. I didn't even give you a heads up. You've changed. No, I had to see it for myself. Just a surprise on New Year's Day. Yeah, so... Or actually, New Year's Night. For about a decade, my Twitter handle was Jake and Amir,

based on an old episode we did where I, my character, so obsessed with you, wanted to have your name in the Twitter handle. Mm-hmm. And it kind of worked out because most of the tweets were just about videos we made together. Correct. Since then, I've been tweeting, slipping down a dirty rabbit hole of alt-right memes, sort of hateful little asides and asnides, which are snide asides.

Right. And as I devolve into this K-hole of sorts, I realized I've been representing you perhaps incorrectly. Is that really why you decided to leave because of all your anti-Semitic hate tweets? liked is when someone's like hey we had jake and amir on the show today or like if i did somebody else's podcast and it was kind of confusing it was like wait so amir is jake and amir but jake is also jake herwitz it was a little confusing it made a lot more sense when we had the web series now we don't even have that like so that's right even like if they're like so it's it's jake and amir why and then you say i have a web series go check it out yeah now it's yeah now it's not even helpful for that purpose so i wanted amir which is obviously my instagram name that would be ideal but that's not available yeah naturally uh but blumenfeld do you know who had blumenfeld no your brother my brother had

blumenfeld twitter.com slash blumenfeld but he when he married and had a child changed his last name that's right so my brother is he at blumenrose now he is he went from blumenfeld to blumenrose thus or i think his twitter name is ben blumenrose and then his uh twitter handle was available so he's like if you want when i change, you can snag Blumenfeld. I'm like, okay, how does that work? He's like, I have to leave it and you have to like take it right away or else somebody might snipe it. And then you have to get somebody to get the Jake and Amir handle because somebody might snipe that. So I'm like, okay, this is a good time to change it because- Who'd you get to snipe the Jake and Amir handle?

I just created a new username that has been switched switched to jake and amir and then i changed the jake and amir to blumenfeld so now my twitter handle is just blumenfeld which is cleaner the only problem is i'm no longer verified on twitter oh interesting how do you get verified that's kind of hard isn't it yes it is it is quite hard you didn't lose any. You just don't have the check symbol. That's correct. Everything's the same. I went to re-verify and it was like, yeah, that process is closed. You can't really do that anymore. I was like, all right. Didn't think that far ahead.

Blue check mark is gone. Gone forever. You hate to see it, man. I don't know if I can continue to do the podcast with you at that stage. No, because if it'll be in this fashion where I have a blue checkmark and you don't, I just feel like we're not on equal ground in a way. I'd prefer, I think, to end our professional relationship. So that way I'm not really hosting a podcast with a

nobody uh if that tracks i don't know if that makes sense on your end it doesn't but for me yeah it does not make sense kind of where it has to know where it's gonna net out frankly i'm still the same person obviously the tweets are all still there it's just the name is different this artificial blue check mark which a lot of people have is now you're Blumenfeld unchecked unverified uninteresting and unadored oh my god I just went to your twitter profile it's just actually it looks kind of cool to have it goes like Amir and then at Blumenfeld right next to it. Yeah, I changed my name. So it's just Amir.

And then my handle is at Blumenfeld. Yeah, it looks great. That's it is clean. But without the checkmark. Yeah. I don't know. It's nasty. It's nasty to see.

And it's nasty for me. Actually, speaking of equal footing, your update. Yeah, you know what? I got the surgery. I lived. Okay. That was good. So what was that about, the foot surgery?

You went completely underneath, right? You were like out of it. Yes, I did. But I guess I don't know exactly what the difference is, but like there's general anesthesia and then there's local anesthesia. Yeah. I think local isn't local just when your foot's numb, but you're awake. Yeah. So they must have done. I mean, I was definitely out. They just didn't like put my entire body to sleep. They didn't shut it down. Oh, interesting. So you were more like in a sleep state rather than a coma.

Yeah. I mean, I wasn't there. I felt like they, maybe it's, they like put some kind of, they put a mask on me. I got tired. I blinked. I was awake. The surgery was over. Okay. That feels like general to me. Yeah. But there's, it was not, it was local anesthesia. Okay. I'll'll look it up real quick so we're not spewing false information uh so all right do you fall asleep during local wow it's really funny somebody said some one of the things got filled in was do you fall asleep during a nap? That's a good question. All right. What about- Local anesthesia is given directly over the area where you have your procedure.

Your healthcare provider may also give you conscious sedation or deep sedation to help you sleep during your procedure. So I guess, I think that is what happened. What about- I was sedated is what happened. What about... I was sedated. I see. What about glocal anesthesia? So that is when...

That's when John Wolfe puts you to sleep with a local anesthetic. Yeah. But doesn't actually give you the surgery. So you sort of just lose an hour of your time, which isn't illegal. It's fine. For him to steal time is not real theft yeah and he didn't really time is a crime you can get away with he didn't do stealing time is not a crime that's right and he doesn't really do anything you just sort of like you you lose time and you're confused because you don't know what he did but ultimately it's nothing so what he did was convince the doctor not to give me the surgery

like i i went out and he was like he's allergic to titanium and i feel like the screws you're gonna put in the foot are titanium and the doctor was like yeah they are uh and wolf was like yeah he should have said that on the form but i'm trust me like i know so right so like we just have to wait for him to wake up and then i woke up and it's like, yeah, he stole my time. So fortunately you did local, not local anesthesia. You wake up after your foot surgery. What's the foot surgery specifically? Did they tell you? Yes, it is.

Oh, God damn it. It's, hold on. Let me look up what it's called. It's called, can't wait. It's going to be so good. Osteotomy. Osteotomy. So that sounds like they're getting rid of something.

Yes. It was bunion surgery. They got rid of my bunion. On one foot. On one foot. Though the bunion itself was not what was causing my pain, it's related because when a, when they move the bunny and over, when they shift your foot or whatever,

uh, they shorten and tighten up the ligaments. And I had ligament damage in my foot. I see. And when they, when they said they went in there and like tinkered around, we're like, yeah,

we saw the ligament damage. Uh, they did not mention like if they saw the damage. And shockingly enough, my doctor who did my MRI and was planning on the surgery got into an accident just before my surgery and broke his arm. So I had to have another doctor do it who didn't know me at all. with him and i'm like reading what you know they tell you what they're gonna do and it's like osteotomy uh removal of painful bunion i was like well my bunion's not really i like it and i'm like so you're gonna fix like the the torn ligaments and he just looks at me he's like the what oh my god as you're falling asleep i'm like in a gown at this point like i'm i've driven back to new york city on christmas eve i'm like ready to go into surgery and he's just like what am i doing washing his hands but like not really fully

just a quick rinse you're not using soap doc call the other guy have him fucking explaining to you eating a kind bar sorry this is my first day what do we have to do i mean it did feel like that a little bit it was weird but the other nice thing is that like um since it was christmas eve i was like the only person in the in the surgery center and i got like three anesthesiologists like five different nurses everybody everybody uh I was the only person there. So I was just, I had like many people looking after me, including two Jake and Amir fans. Yeah, I was going to ask, was everybody there Jewish? Because that's usually how it works at like my brother's hospital.

Like he has to work on Christmas because he gets like Hanukkah off. I don't, I think maybe some people there were Jewish, but not everyone, definitely not everyone. Because some people were talking about it being Christmas Eve. I got there and someone was wearing like reindeer antlers as part of their scrubs. That was the doctor. Yeah, with a bone saw.

Rudolph knows a bone saw. So you wake up, surgery was a success basically. Yes, they say that it went well. I'm back in my room. I'm groggy. They say that they've texted my wife. Jill comes up. I'm chilling in the bed. They give me saltines. They give me apple juice. I'm a good little boy. I did the surgery good. And sorry, did you say you texted my wife? I look down at my leg. There's a bloody stump. I look for the doctor, but I only see the Joker. Have you seen Joker yet, by the way? No, and I don't think I shall. I still really want you to see it just to commiserate with you on if you dislike it as much as I do.

I'm certain I will, but I will. I'll see it. I got a screener, so I'll check it out. So how much pain is there as you leave the hospital? So the doctor gives me my pain meds. He tells me to take it easy. He gives me all of the post-care stuff. I leave,

I walked out using a cane. Whoa, cane. Feeling like unsteady, but no pain, completely pain-free. I'm walking. I like went into a rest up on the way home. It's Christmas Eve.

We're driving back to my aunt's house uh i get there i'm thinking like this is it's it's crazy i had i had surgery today and now i'm drinking a beer singing christmas carols pain free science um science but, and then, then it all, the pain, the pain sort of, the pain begins around the time the family is gathered around the tree singing, Oh Holy Night. Actually, can you guys knock it off? It really is starting to hurt. Grandpa Bill. It's no longer a silent night. This is an unholy night to be certain so what does it feel like the pain just started it's like it really it felt like someone stuck a letter opener into

the sole of my foot and wrapped it up really tight with tape jesus on the inside or on like the outside of it on the inside of my foot it is like hot, throbbing pain. Like he left a pen in there by accident. It felt like, in my head, like I'm imagining if I unwrap my bandage, that like it's just an infected wound stapled shut. Oh, God. Tied with bubble gum. It felt like my foot was trying to explode out of the bottom. It was like, so I instantly go home.

And I- Are you in a sour mood? I was in, I think I was, I was just, no, not like sour mood, but sort of just like silently freaking out. You're like, oh God, what if something is wrong? Yeah, my sister was just like talking to me and she's like, you're like, you seem like you're handling everything really well. And I was like, I actually need to go home.

I appreciate that. But I need to go home now. It's hard because you don't want to like, you don't want to alert everyone else. But you also don't want to act like so like proud and confident that they think that everything's fine. You're like, yeah, I'd look calm. But I want you to know that if you were in this pain, you'd be, like, crying a lot. So, like, that's the severity here. I don't want to freak anyone out, but I, like, I don't want to ruin Christmas.

But everyone needs to take care of me post-haste. I don't want to make this about me, but I need help a lot. So, what, do they give you stronger pain medicine so you can go back on the... Yeah, so i got i got something called hydrocodone it's like an opioid it's like percocet i think it's like it's the shit that wrestlers get addicted to yeah um and part of the issue was that jill even like seeing that i was getting uh an opioid uh was so nervous about me taking it that she really didn't even want me to take them at all. Oh, like because you might get addicted.

Yeah. So I'm in a ton of pain and I like take one and Jill is just like so apprehensive, just like watching my every move. And it's like a couple hours later, I'm like trying to go to sleep. I need another one. And she's treating me like I'm addicted already. Can you just take an emergency instead? Maybe we have an airborne gummy.

Yeah. She just wants me to ice it and go to bed. I'm like, I truly can't sleep. It feels like a raccoon is eating the sole of my foot. So I wake up the next morning. I barely sleep. Maybe I slept for two hours. This is Christmas morning.

Like the whole of the night. Yeah. And everything I say about getting surgery the day before Christmas because of how much attention they pay to you is actually bad on Christmas when you feel like something's gone wrong because no one is there. Like the surgical center is closed. They're like, if you are having problems, go to the emergency room, basically. Right. I don't want to go to the emergency room on Christmas.

Right. I called my doctor. They're obviously closed. They give you the doctor's cell phone numbers, but it's 7 a.m. And I texted my doctor. Then I called the other one who had broken his arm.

Eventually, they get back to me at like 9 or 10am and the doctor who had broken his arm was just like I think what happened is they wrapped the bandage too tight so like your foot is really inflamed if the bandage is too tight it doesn't matter how many pain meds you take

it's probably not going to do anything he has a theory does he so I unwrapped the ace bandage there's three bandages on my foot there's like the main one covering the stitches there's like gauze wrapped around that and then there's an ace bandage wrapped around that um so i take the ace bandage off instantly feel better oh wow not like not like everything is cured but like the pain medication that i was taking started to work then yeah because nobody's squeezing your open like wound basically right exactly and then um and then it

sort of started coming back and i cut this is another thing the doctor said i could do i cut the top of the gauze uh just to relieve some of the pressure even from that jesus and instantly felt better oh uh so but then i even though they had said that i'd be able to walk in like a walking boot i couldn't walk for um i guess it's been two maybe two weeks now almost two weeks now and i can't walk but i can't like i can i i think i'll be able to walk, like, tomorrow. I've been, like, hobbling a little bit when I need to. So, like. But I haven't really.

I've essentially completely stayed off it where when they talked to me about the surgery, they were like, yeah, you'll be, like, in a walking boot the day after surgery. Yeah, like start running. They're jogging around now. Yeah, that's, I mean, there's, like, no way that's happening. It's so tender. But today was the first day where I feel like I've been walking on the boot. It feels all right. Are you off the opioids?

Yeah. Truly because Jill was so nervous that it was like it was not worth it to me. So I was taking Tylenol and the pain wasn't that bad. I had like other meds for the inflammation, which seemed to be the more painful thing anyway. Showering? I got a sponge bath the first week, and now I've graduated to I can bathe myself. I just put my foot outside the shower with a garbage bag wrapped in it, and I can shower myself. But you have to stand on one foot the whole time i sit i just sit in the tub and i drape my foot over the side uh and like it's sort of like a

half shower bath yeah and at what point do the stitches go away or you can take actual showers um they're coming out tomorrow oh so then you can in theory wear a real shoe in theory if the swelling's gone down enough he the doctor thinks I could wear a sneaker. Which is weird, because the boot that they give you, it feels like it's less comfortable on my foot than if I just was wearing an Ultra Boost. The sneakers I wear are pretty comfortable. I guess the thing that this cast has is like, it has a really rigid bottom, so I can't bend my toes.

Right, which prevents stretching of the wound. Yeah, exactly. So tomorrow's the big day. Yeah, tomorrow, the stitches either come out tomorrow or stay in for another week. Wow, Groundhog's Day. What are you hoping for? I mean, I guess I don't mind the stitches in another week. Wow. Groundhog's day. What are you hoping for? I mean,

I guess I don't mind the stitches in another week. I like showering with a plastic bag over my foot. It's just a bag. It's just a bag after all. Yeah. Once that's, once that's done, I,

I think once I can start walking on the boot too, instead of the crutches, it'll feel, it'll feel a bit better. What's interesting about getting like a physical injury is like all of the things that stressed me out or bumped me out before seem like they're not a big deal anymore, which I think is kind of nice. It's put things in perspective. Yeah. Like now I'm just – now I'm thinking like, oh, as soon as my foot feels better, everything is good. Whereas before I was like, oh, it's like this work, this work, this work, it's all stressing me out. It's all too much. Now I'm like, okay, now it's only my

foot that's too much. Everything else is manageable once you're healthy. How bad could anything be if I can walk there? As long as it doesn't feel like someone is branding the bottom of my foot for an entire night. That's a good way to keep perspective in the new year. Yeah. I should just like stab myself in the foot every once in a while. Every time I have another panic attack,

I'll just stab myself in the foot. I also like the idea of you texting your doctor who has a fully broken arm. You're like, my foot really hurts. Like, what should I do about it? And he's like texting you back in like full body cast. I love that doctor so much. He's so good. He was so concerned. Good man.

He's definitely going through his own shit. He's Jewish, so he wasn't celebrating Christmas, at least. All right, let's take a break here. And then we'll come back and try to answer some questions for This Is, If I Were You, an advice show. The only one on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And we'll be back after these.

Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one,

first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday?

Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name

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Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Yeah, you know what? I think we should mention ways to help Australia from burning if we can. Yeah, LA was burning a few months ago. And now the entirety of Australia seems to be consumed in hundreds of brush fires that

burn across its coastline. Yeah, and all I think about is my goddamn foot. I love Australia. Let's try to help them if we can. You looked up some places where people can donate, right? Yeah, Australian Red Cross, Salvation Army Disaster Appeal, and everything is just pretty much one Google search away. So find a way to donate.

Every little bit helps. Yeah, you know what? I'm going to put my money where my mouth is. I'm donating 48 cents. What? Cool. Cent. I just think it's important that both of us...

You sent a fucking stamp. You sent a single stamp. I think it's important that both of us, we can't just say like, oh, donate, and then we're not donating. Yeah. I think we should give, we can give from the podcast a couple hundred bucks.

People just heard some advertisements. We can just give a percentage of that. 48 cents. I wouldn't want to, I'd hate to... 48 cents 48 cents i hate to dip into my nest egg too much you just said that you were you had a new lease on life you wanted to put things in perspective you realize that there are bigger problems i gave fucking two quarters essentially not really even two quarters less than that well i could deliberately less than that why don't you just say're going to nickel and dime me out over two cents? Fine, I'll give an extra two. Christ,

would that make you knock it off? Nickel and dime is basically what you gave. You gave less than nickels and dimes. 48 cents. So little. Fine. All right. We'll do it from the podcast. Send it to me first, and I'll send it

to Australia. Coward. All right. New year, new us. I asked on Reddit. That's right. Throwing it back. We have a very active subreddit. If you haven't been hanging around there, it's r slash Jake and Amir. People still in there. I love that. People still hanging out in there. In fact, I asked if anybody had any questions for today's episode. Hit us there. We got about 70 of them overnight. That's right. So if you're

looking to connect with some other Jake and Amir fans, I know my Twitter handle is different, but Jake and Amir fans still exist on our subreddit. Here's some questions. Alright, first one from Dublin Ye. Very good. Hey, first one from Dublin Ye. Very good.

Hey, I'm here in the pinch. I just started re-listening to the podcast to make my commute more bearable and I noticed how much more mature you guys got from seven years back. Do you ever listen to old eps and if so, what do you think of your old selves? P.S. Go Bills. Dang. Do you ever listen to old episodes?

I don't. I'm kind of nervous too what do you what makes you nervous about it like what if we were a lot happier then i mean i don't think i was but we were definitely more carefree yeah do you feel like though that you always feel more carefree when you look back on stuff yeah because like i i'm sure that i had cares i was i wasn't like things weren't i was stressed about money back yeah you were just stressed about different things but like i guess every i mean every year you get older you get a little more weighed down with like responsibility in college you don't have very many when you get out of college you're figuring stuff out 10 years after that you have more responsibility house payments car payments health issues yeah that's that is fair so i would

assume we were like lighter yeah i guess so um but i mean maturity i don't know yeah well i was definitely i personally was less mature you were always kind of mature yeah i was kind of a dorkus back then but i wonder if that comes through in our podcast i don't know maybe we should listen to like episode 14 and see what we sound like didn't we listen to like an early question one time we listened to like something from a long time ago yeah and our voices were pretty much the same and i was like oh it seems the same to me let's stop listening now please turn it off yeah please i don't want to i want to i want confirmation that i was glad then i don't want to grow i don't want to grow as a person is all so we don't listen but

we should it might be healthy or it might or it might make us cripplingly depressed that's cool um molotov beta writes how does it feel like to fulfill the fantasy of being a diva roach named Yugo? Follow up, what was the best quote day off you've had recently? Oh, okay. Well, I guess the first question's for Yugo. How did it feel like to fulfill the fantasy of being a diva roach named Yugo? It was fun. Did you know you were going to be a diva roach when you started? I knew I was going to be like a slippery little elf man who is constantly trying to troll and ruin things. But I didn't realize I'd be successful in my mission. It is crazy how much chaos you wrought. In 44 straight minutes.

So that was fun. It was fun to see just the details of D&D. I didn't realize how much actual dice rolling and luck is involved. Yeah. And you were lucky in fucking us. Yeah. I hit the big numbers when I needed to. What was the best day off you've had lately?

I don't know. I feel like we've had three months off. Like this is our first day back. Ask me what my favorite day of work has been recently. Yeah, holidays are insane. It's like once Thanksgiving starts, you're like, ah, we're essentially off till- Nobody's working.

Nobody's working. But we did, we worked pretty hard through November and December, I think this year. It's been like three straight weeks of Sundays, basically. Yeah. I guess since December 18th, we haven't done anything. Best day off. What a sad day.

See, I told you we were sadder now. Well, because after my surgery, I couldn't walk at all. My family was on, we went away for a long weekend for Christmas, my immediate family plus significant others. And they had stuff to do. They went to a winery. They went on a hike. They went on walks.

They went into the town. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even like, it even hurt to be upright on my crutches because like the blood would flow into my foot and it would just be really painful. So I straight up had to just lie on a couch all day and read my book. And it was so nice. Yeah.

It's like forcing you to be lazy for your own self good. So it's none of the guilt of laziness. Yeah. Because I think sometimes when you have a day off, you're like, even if you're like, I'm not going to do anything today. I'm just going to watch TV and read all day. Like noon, 1 p.m. rolls around, you're like, Jesus, I haven't even left the house. I really got to at least take a walk. I got to do something. But not me. In fact, I think my foot still hurts seven months later.

It's been nine months, Jake. I have a toe ache. You have an ingrown toenail now yeah it's gonna be weird like can you imagine like working out again like sprinting and doing squats like doesn't that seem so far away it does but that's also like what i fantasize about that's why i got the surgery because doing exercise where i bent my foot and like pushed off was like not painful in a way that made me not do it. Like I still did run, but it didn't feel that great. I had to like go through the pain.

If I can like go on a jog pain-free, I'll feel ecstatic. Like I want to do squats. I want to do high-intensity workout. Do you have to get the surgery on your other foot if this is successful? No, because my other foot doesn't have any pain in it anymore. All right. I think some people do if they have bunions that are painful in each foot, but mine in my right foot is fine.

My feet will look weird, I think, because I'll have a big bunion on my right foot and nothing on my left. Oh, that's cool. But aside from that that shit's fine uh crisis really moorish writes hey dudes quick question do you wash your legs in the shower i do but my flatmates think it's overkill and that the water just washes that bit am i weird ps any plans to come back to london wait say that again do you like actively wash your legs with soap or do you just like let the water trickle down and that's pretty much good enough? I, what do you do?

I'm, I have a. Before, before I admit to something gross, let me know what status quo. I think I wash. I have a theory on what you do. I wash like my private parts and then invariably my thighs and quad area. I don't, I don't think I bend down and like scrub my calves. Oh, interesting. I put soap all the way down to my ankles, but I do not wash my feet. Yeah. And it seems fine. Like the water and the soap trickles downhill. Yeah. It just seems

like kind of risky to be standing up in the shower, go one foot and like put soap and make the bottom of your foot super slippery. Do you need to actively clean the bottom of your foot? I imagine that's the cleanest part of your body. You just put it in a sock. Yeah. But I mean, it definitely gets sweaty.

It's kind of nasty. That's true. All right. I'll give myself a foot scrub. Thanks, Craig for a s'more really more-ish. Yeah, we should do that.

Bayco underscore AU writes, Hey, is there anything you wanted to show or film on jake and amir that you were unable to oh there i remember i wrote an episode that took place in iac before we moved across the country and we never ended up filming it and then it never made sense to do it in la um and then we ended the series before we ever got to do it it was there was i don't the only thing that i remember about it was like a jake and amir where you were where i was going home to connecticut for the weekend and you were coming along with me for like a road trip. Oh. Oh, I remember it now. Okay.

So the joke that I remembered that I wanted to make is like you somehow like bump me out of the way and you're going to be the driver. And then you sit in the car and then you're like, oh, damn, this is unfortunate. And I go, what? And you say, I'm a righty. And I'm go, what? And you say, I'm a righty. And I'm like, what? And you say, this is a left-handed car. Cut to an accident where it flips five times. And I think that was the premise

because I remember we were going to do an episode that was us upside down in a car. That's right. I do remember that idea where it starts with an accident and then the rest of the episode or even multi-parter is us waiting for an ambulance to arrive and we're upside down.

Right. So that was the premise and that was why we didn't film it before we left because getting a car upside down turned out to be impossible. And it wasn't going to be able to happen. But yeah,

the beginning was that you were going to try to go home with me for the weekend. All right, there you have it. It's not like anything special effects, just the idea of me going home with you that we never shot. Yeah, well, I mean, the entire thing. But the only thing that I remember is that I liked the joke of you thinking

that there was right-handed and left-handed cars. Bad username nabadu writes, Hi, friends. My girlfriend and I have the perfect relationship. One thing we are debating at the moment is if we should hyphenate our last names when we get married. Our last names are Lee and Lou. She wants to hyphenate it to Leeloo.

I don't want to hyphenate it at all. I don't care if she wants to keep her last name or take mine. I just don't want the last name to be Leeloo. I think it sounds childish and sing-songy and our children, if any, will get bullied for it. Thoughts? I guess I agree. Leeloo. I mean, it's kind of cool. I think it's just, but if you're not into it, I don't think that it's the right move yeah i mean i did get a twitter name out of my brother doing this a similar although they didn't go hyphenate they went um like a combination yeah and it's not like his wife wanted to and he didn't or the op like it was a mutual decision that everyone was into a compromise this one seems to be a lilu based um non-compromise yeah so if he's if i'm i'm fully

against she's fully for i don't think that the that the person who wants to change the name or to combine the name is allowed to win it's the person who wants status quo gets to keep the name what about the last name of quo status quid pro quo my status is quo as is the last name of Quo? Status? Quid pro Quo. My status is Quo, as is my last name. John Quo. Quid. Hi, Pinch and Amir. I've recently racked up $15,000 of credit card debt and need to start living within my means to pay my money back.

Amir, you mentioned something like a 3-7-10 plan a while back. But what other money-saving techniques did you two use as poor 20-somethings? What was the 3-7-10 plan? $3 for breakfast, $7 for lunch, and $10 for dinner is $20 a day on food. Oh, I see. I think that was when I first moved to New York, and the idea of spending $7 on lunch anymore is like seemingly impossible. Sandwiches used to cost $7 and now they're like $14.50.

Right. $10 on dinner is also funny. If you entirely eat at a bodega in New York, you could definitely do it. Just like, I think you can get a $5 to $6 sandwich. For some reason, like bodega breakfast sandwiches never cost more than like a dollar 50 like everything else has gone up 80 to 200 but like a bacon egg and cheese will always be 1.75 yeah it's crazy it's amazing new york's the best but then if you go to like another restaurant it's like yeah that's this salad is 18 right yeah this isn't a bodega salad. This is sweet green, and it costs $14 for this.

For a bowl. And if you want there to be protein in it, you better cough up another eight. I mean, it's a— Oh, did you say salmon? That's $1,000. That's an $18 salad, but did you want grilled chicken on the chicken salad? That's another $9. Dark meat chicken?

That's $12, and you have to be my servant. Raw avocado, that's another $9. Dark meat chicken, that's $12 and you have to be my servant. Raw avocado, that's another $18 salad. And you're first born. Making your own food is a very classic way of saving cash. It is kind of sad. I mean, I guess it's just sad to me to make a salad at home, bring it in and eat it while everyone else goes out. Going out for lunch is a fun way to break up your day. But some people really do take great joy in making their own lunches. Yeah, I go back and forth. I made my own lunch today. It was nice. I like that every once in a while. It's especially because it definitely, I very rarely make myself an unhealthy lunch. So like when I'm cooking for myself, it tends to be healthier

than if I'm going out. Because if I'm going out, I'm like, oh, I should get a salad. Oh, but there's a BLT. So that's what I want. Yeah, it's always better when you pay more. But then if you think about it,

like, all right, you're saving $8 per meal times like 30 meals a month. You're saving a lot of money. Right, exactly. And if you're trying to do that you can definitely do that um hey jake and amir a few quick questions writes jaswinski uh wipe while standing or sitting bidet or no shaver wax alcohol or weed toda jizz i love that jizz. Nice. Sitting. Of course.

I don't have a bidet, but I do love a bidet. Like when I visit HeadGum LA and there's a bidet. Oh, baby. Do we have a bidet in the New York office yet? Not yet, actually. I should do that. Alcohol or weed? Alcohol.

I don't like weed at all. That rhymes. Oh, wow. I have not stopped rhyming. Bidet. Yay. Alcohol. I don't like weed at all. That rhymes. Oh, wow. I have not stopped rhyming. Bidet. Yay. Alcohol. I don't like weed at all. What was the other question? Jizz? Actually, you're more of a Vicodin man now.

Fair. I remember when Avital got eye surgery. She's like, I can see why people like painkillers. Like it makes you feel a lot better very fast. Can you like, can you understand why it's such like a addiction issue? Honestly, there, I guess I can. Like it was interesting because my, the painkiller made my foot feel a bit better,

but it didn't eliminate the pain. But if I had any other, like if I had like a crick in my neck, I wouldn't have it if I took the painkiller. Like it's very strong. So like small aches and pains do kind of go away. Yeah, it really is. Like I remember getting it for like my neck thing. They would give me like a intravenous hydrocodone or whatever. I was like, ah, this feels so good.

I guess that's why people love heroin. Right. I never got that feeling from it, but I'm sure. You should take more. It does make sense. Yeah, okay. Wait, so, oh, I have another thing, but first I want to know if you wipe sitting down or standing up.

I already know the answers here, I think, though. Yeah, yeah, sitting. I don't understand how you can wipe standing up. It clenches your butt cheeks shut. Yeah. It's bizarre. Um, you're also, I guess you like alcohol more than weed, but you don't really like either. Yeah. That's a good question. Like I, when I was drinking more, I probably preferred alcohol, but now that I'm like a little more of an indoor cat, maybe I do prefer marijuana, though I rarely do both. But like if I if you were to force me to like go home and ingest one or the other, I think I would prefer weed at this point because it like mellows you out. Well, if we were I think that there are two different things to that, like if

we were to give you the choice of go out and get a drink with some friends or go home and smoke weed and watch a movie or something, which I guess that's just like how I imagine those drugs working. Like if you're staying at home, it's weed, but if you're going to go out, it's alcohol. Like which kind of night would you prefer? Yeah, probably. Home being baked or out being drunk? Probably home just because of the lack of hangover too.

Right. And so this, for Christmas I got Jill LASIK. Whoa. Yeah, she hasn't gotten it yet. That was the gift that I'm going with. Yeah, well I got her,

I like booked her a consultation and set it all up. Wow wow does she want it she she does want it but now she's scared uh but she she went she got the consultation she is a candidate they said it would work uh but now she's like she's sort of nervous yeah i think jeffrey's also like in the same space where he's like he's a candidate and he's was gonna get it but then he had to push it and is thinking about it as well. What, like, I, it's crazy to me for, I mean, especially for you. So like, would you, do you, do you recommend it across the board if you're, if someone is a candidate or you like, it's not for everyone. Uh, I mean, it is not for everyone because it's like,

uh, somebody pushing and prodding. Some people are like, I don't want anybody close to my eyes ever. I can't have that. Like, oh, it freaks me out for somebody to get that close. It is very invasive. It's not painful, but somebody is pushing, pulling, squeezing, slicing your eyeball for sure. But the idea of not having to wear contacts

or glasses anyway, and ever again was worth it to me. Cool. You should FaceTime Jill for me. Is she like nervous about the actual procedure of it to me. Cool. You should FaceTime Jill for me. Is she nervous about the actual procedure of it? Yeah. Makes sense. All right.

It is a laser in your eye. Last question. I'm looking for a good one. Okay. 70 questions and they're all garbage. Thanks for nothing, Red. Some of them are about basketball. I don't want to end on a basketball one.

Some of them are about if I ever want to do D&D again. I feel like we covered D&D. Oh, here. Oh, wow. Jake, what's your... I want to answer this other one, but yeah, go ahead. Oh, wait. It sounds like you might have found it.

Is it the favorite poem? Yes, that's what I want to read this other one, but yeah, go ahead. Oh, wait, it sounds like you might have found it. Is it the favorite poem? Yes, that's what I want to read. All right, Jake, what's your favorite poem? I read good poems cover to cover after you suggested it. And now I have an English degree, question mark? Anyway, Jake, favorite poem? Amir, any good reading recommendations these days? Love you guys and hope you're well, especially Jake's mom.

I have a couple favorite poems. I'll give my top two. I unabashedly love Mary Oliver. I think she's, like, buy any Mary Oliver book, and it's filled with great, great poems. But Wild Geese, one of her more famous ones, is up there as one of my favorite poems. My other is First Lesson by Philip Booth. That one is in the book Good Poems, which is like a curated book of poems.

But I think that's my top favorite poem of all time. Will you recite a few passages for us? I'm really curious to hear just the first stanza. Do us the favor and just recite the stanza first stanza or maybe the first half of it there's yeah i i could i'll i guess i'll do from memory please i i don't know from memory uh okay i so first lesson by philip booth lie back daughter we're out of time. Let your...

Okay, of course. Yeah, I'm sorry about that. If I were you, if I were you. You can keep going if it's actually enjoyable. No, it doesn't matter. If you're into poetry, you should read it. I don't want my favorite poem of all time to be tainted with haters. So if you're really interested, check out First

Lesson by Philip Booth. And then let me know on Twitter how much you liked it. And if you didn't like it, you can go fuck off because that's beautiful. What about you? What's your favorite? I guess what books are you reading now? You don't like poetry, right? No, I never got into poetry. I read it. It confuses me. It like pisses me off a little bit. I'm like, why is this good? I don't get it. Am I stupid? I get like anxious and annoyed at like why people like this thing and I can't quite understand it.

That happens with me with a decent amount of poetry and then sometimes it doesn't. I think that's like liking poetry, actually. You might just be a good critic. You might enjoy it if you find a poem you like. Yeah. To be fair, I haven't given it much of a shot. Avital is always trying to get me into poetry because she likes it too. Oh, I should share poems with her.

That's nice. Don't fucking talk to her about poetry. Amir, any good reading recommendations? I'm just saying we give her something to talk about because we face time a lot. What's that? Nothing. I've been in this habit of reading a book, starting strong and then slowly grinding to a halt and stop stopping to read it before it ends.

And the most recent version of that is I'm reading, um, Dan Gurwitch told me to just to read, uh, Norm MacDonald's, uh, biography that he wrote. And it's kind of like absurd. It's barely even real, but he writes in a very funny way cause it's Norm MacDonald. I think it's called a memoir. That's good. Uh, I read half of it so far and it is indeed very funny as is Norm Macdonald. So I guess I could recommend it at this point.

Norm Macdonald's a memoir. Nice. All right. First episode in the books of the new year of the new decade. Thanks so much for everybody for listening, whether you started in 2013 or if this is your first episode. For real. Opening theme song was written by Evan.

This closing one comes from Iceland. Finally. I fucking love it. I want to go shake the hand of whoever wrote it, because I love Iceland so much. It's Egil Sigur Sveinsson. Of course. Thanks, Egil.

Thanks to you guys for listening. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. We should also mention that we put Lonely and Horny Season 1 on our Patreon. Shit, we should have done that at the goddamn top. But yeah, Lonely and Horny Season 1. It's all out there on Patreon right now. Yeah, our Patreon now is like 30 or so Jake and Mear Watch episodes,

30 or so If I Were You bonus video episodes, and now all of Lonely and Horny season one. Yeah, so if you're waiting to support us until we had a library worth supporting, I think we've reached the threshold. I think this is a library. Okay. This is our life's work.

For Christ's sake. Sweet. Thanks to you guys for listening, and we'll be back, of course, next week. Ciao, everyone. Hey, dude. Hey. How was your day?

It didn't really go well. It didn't go great. Tell me what's wrong. Are you okay? No, man. No way. So, I got beat up by a kid. He was seven years old. I was on my first date, she saw it all Do you think it's all good? Think I still have a chance? Dude, I'm not the right person to ask When I was in trouble and shat my pants

In front of my family and all of my friends I heard of two Jews sharing their views On what they would do if they were you. So I'll seize the cheese and write the little piece. I hope I get an answer that will put my mind at ease. Cause I want my grandest to tease. I'll never forget

how she left me in the leaves. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.