Segments - 417: Hostel Love

Episode Date: January 13, 2020

In this episode we discuss wedding speeches, popping videos, and the perfect text.For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com, B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. We just haven't thought of intro music yet.

And we wanted to get the show on as fast as possible. So yeah, for now we're going to be, I'll be trying out a different intro song every single week until you guys hate me enough that someone can send in a song that we can use instead. That's right. So this is the first and only advice podcast. I uploaded to YouTube and DVD Swapping right on Tinder trying to find my queen I'm an optimist using communism Grandma thinks I'm living with her but I isn't

Best believe I'm texting bitches when they ask to send them pictures Zero to DSN and fastback Then I get a text from my kick-ass dad Said if I were you Yeah, if I were you Yeah, if I were you I wouldn't do that If I were you, yeah, if I were you, yeah, if I were you, I wouldn't do that. If I were you, yeah, if I were you, I wouldn't do that. Yeah, yeah, you'd probably stop doing that.

If I were you, if I were you, I wouldn't do that. Rawr! Yeah! Can you tell where he's from? The mean streets of London, mate. Close. Brisbane, Australia. Close enough, mate. Bris-Vegas, brother.

I will perform this live for you, he says, if we come back to Brisbane. I'm trying to go to Australia so badly. Love that country. That was Dee-Heazy. And if we want to plug a SoundCloud, it's soundcloud.com slash D-Heazy. D-Heazy. He just hit 9,000 plays and would love to make it 10K.

So check out soundcloud.com slash D-Heazy for a nice Aussie rapper. Cool. It's the least you guys can do if you haven't given to the Australian brush fryers like I freaking asked you to. Yeah, I hope this guy is doing alright out there. I mean, he did just write this fire song.

Oh, Jesus, dude. What? We're raising awareness in our own way. It's only fair because California was on fire last summer. And that was my fault. Right. That was a sort of a, I flicked a cigarette that I tried, and I was like, into a bucket of gasoline that you dumped on a campsite.

Yeah, onto some dry brush that I found in Calabasas. So that one's on me, my bad. But thank you, Dee Heasy. Thanks to you guys for listening. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Josh.

Both in LA at this point. That's right. Got to keep people updated about our whereabouts. Sometimes we're there, sometimes we're here, sometimes we're both. Right now we're both. You really never know anymore. How's your foot post-surgery two weeks in? Things are looking nice.

Well, not actually, they look horrifying, but it feels fine. You sent me a photo and your foot looks thicker than the other. It's a frankenfoot. Yeah, it's yellowish. I wanted to post it on Instagram and I was like, this is will make people too squeamish. You think so? It is

twice as big as, it's weird because it doesn't hurt, but it's twice as big as my other foot. It is. It's a lot. It looks like it belongs to a Serbian basketball player who's seven foot two. Just a thick purple foot. It is true that my swollen ass big toe

is the size of larger men's big toes. Yeah. It's not like inhuman. It's also a different color. I'm looking at it. It looks like a big pinkish purplish thick troll foot. That'll be the bruising, bub. To the right, it's this really pale, skinnier foot.

It's a dainty little foot on my right and a thick little mutant zombie foot on the left. And you're telling me this doesn't hurt that much? I mean, it hurts if I put weight on it, but I've been walking around on my heel in this weird little boot that they have me in and it feels fine. Oh, so you're saying like the back of your foot is less in pain than the front before, like the front hurts so much that even putting weight on the back hurt, like sent transferred. Yeah.

Yeah. But now it's like, it's really concentrated just in like the front four inches of my foot. And as long as that's not touching anything, as long as it's not taking any strain, it really feels fine. That's good. And I took a shower.

Whoa, your first shower. My first shower. How'd that feel? I was honestly terrified the entire time. That water would get into the foot. Yeah, I think I'm doing better than the doctor would even want me to. Because even though I was in the shower,

I was kind of keeping it out of the stream. Yeah, you're erring on the side of caution. I was quite fearful, to be honest with you. It looks like a lot of water got into the foot, and that looks like a swollen water balloon. It's waterlogged. Yeah, damaged. Looks like it was plucked from the Titanic.

Knowing what the recovery is like, I guess you're not even fully out of it yet, but would you do the surgery on the other foot? I mean, if I had the same pain on the other foot, I would. Yeah, because it's wild. I don't even feel the resting pain that I had in my foot before. Oh, so even with this pain, you can tell that like the other pain. That it's gone.

Yeah. I used to just like have a dull, numb pain that I got used to kind of all the time. And now I don't have it anymore. Whoa. So it's, I'm fantasizing about walking without any pain. And my God. Can you imagine? Yeah. You don't know what you got till it's, I'm fantasizing about walking without any pain. And my God. Can you imagine? Yeah.

You don't know what you got till it's gone. But the first two days I was like, I would never do this again. I'm in too much pain. But now that it's over, I forget that it even happened. And it feels like. That's a very common thing I've seen with friends and loved ones getting surgery. Where it's like, when you're in the worst of it, you're like, this was a big mistake. I don't want to do this anymore.

And then at the end of it, you're like, eh, it felt fine. And in a year you won't even remember the pain. Yeah. It's like, memory is just so strange because I was trying to think of like, did I really not have any pain in my body? Like during my twenties was like, there had to be things that were chronic, frustrating at least, but you'll look back and just everything feels so carefree and good. Yeah. Even the times when I was depressed in my life, I'm like, oh, that was the golden years. It seems like humans have a problem

with when you're in something, it feels like that's permanent or that's like everywhere. Like I was feeling under the weather on Friday and I like saw somebody like going for a jog. It's like, how can you do that? How can you ever be healthy enough to run? We'll never be well again. Yeah. And when you're hungry, you can't imagine being full and when you're full, how can you do that? How can you ever be healthy enough to run? We'll never be well again. Yeah.

And when you're hungry, you can't imagine being full. And when you're full, you can't imagine being hungry. Just like whatever your current state is, it's hard for you to imagine in the future or in the past. It's interesting. We were like some of the most creative thinkers in the world. Not we, me and you. Just me.

You mean just I am. As human beings. But then we're so... Short-sighted. We have no imagination. Yeah. I am. As human beings. But then we're so... Short-sighted. We have no imagination. Yeah. I can't imagine being hungry. Well, you were actually hungry just before you had that entire...

All the fried rice. And now you're so stuffed, you think you can't imagine ever eating again. That's how I get when I'm hungover. I'm like, I never want to drink again. Yeah. Because I'm currently feeling bad and I just assume I'll always feel this bad. Lord knows I say that most Sundays. I saw this tweet that had a video that explained that chimpanzees have amazing short-term memory.

And it had them doing this computer program where it would flash one through 10 on a screen in different locations. And then the numbers would go away and the chimp would remember where the numbers were. Wow. And like humans can't even do that. And they're like, because like thousands of years ago, evolution divided us into two groups. Like one of us learned how to talk and the other one's got like amazing short-term memory. So humans, while we can talk to each other, like you said, be creative, we have very bad short-term memory. So humans, while we can talk to each other, like you said, be creative, we have very bad short-term memory.

Interesting. So like a chimp could meet someone at a party and then say bye and use their name if they knew how to talk. Yeah, there's never like, where did we meet? How do I know you from? Yeah. We went on four bumble dates and you met my mom.

Really? Damn it. But at least I can speak to you, Mace. That's very interesting. Thanks, man. I mean, you didn't do anything. You sort of just regurgitated the tweet. It's called the Blumenfeld Theory.

No, it's not. And it's actually named after my Twitter account. At Blumenfeld Theory? That's right. It's the twitter.com slash Blumenfeld Theory. All right, let's see if we can answer some questions here. Why not? We got some real questions from real people.

Going to give them fake names, of course, to preserve their anonymity. You got to. This guy's been with his girlfriend for about nine months, and he's an avid Reddit user and recently came across a subreddit. So what should we call this guy? R slash soon to be single. Nice. Sorry.

I've been with my girlfriend for nine months and I'm an avid Reddit user. And recently came across the subreddit r slash popping. It's a zit popping Reddit. Yeah, I could have deduced that, I guess. I'm not too sure, but I find it relaxing, and it helps me kick back. My girlfriend saw me watching a video on it, and called me absolutely disgusting.

She compared me to the guy from Don't Fuck With Cats. That's the guy that murdered cats? I'm not quite sure. I know there's a documentary called that, I don't know what it's about. I believe this dude, it's a documentary about a guy that kills cats on Reddit. Basically, she says he's a monster. Okay. She said I should go to therapy, which is an idea I'm pondering with anyway. I don't know what to do.

This is our first major issue in our relationship. Thanks. Love, r slash. Soon to be single. I actually don't think he's going to be single. I think this is going to be fine. If this is your first major issue, then congratulations, you still don't have a major issue. You don't think her being so disgusted and saying you have to go to therapy for this is a major issue? I wonder if he's overthinking her reaction. Like if she was just like, oh my God, that's disgusting. You should go to therapy. And now she's not thinking about it anymore. But because it's like something that he, that was personal to him. I see. It feels like it's a bigger deal than it is.

That's cool. So he's like, he's the one who's blowing things out of proportion, not her. Popping things out of proportion. Nice. Yeah, I would probably, if this were me, I would just be like, I would sort of treat it almost like porn or a guilty pleasure. It is kind of like porn. You see these like intimate moments. You're like, oh, ooh, ah.

And it's like sort of scratching and tickling weird parts of your brain and dick. Huh? Do you like zit popping vids? I don't. Can I show you one from r slash popping? Sure. Like, would you be too gross to watch it? I wouldn't be grossed out.

I just don't really think it does anything. I guess I'm like fascinated but not interested. Is that possible? Yeah yeah it was a thing i remember streeter and sarah used to fucking love it yeah there's like websites oh look at that that caterpillar oh wow there's a there was a website it doesn't do anything for me though back when websites existed there was one called pop that zit or pop my zit.com yeah pop that zit that was straight straight fucking was watching somebody just like get a fucking snake bite like a boil lancing a boy some of them are not zits some of them are like crazy cysts yeah they goes beyond just popping popping is too playful for what was going down Which was a guy like Setting a little like needle on fire And lancing something

Right I mean there's That shit is It was popping off Is what it was popping You like it You clearly like it I don't

I don't like it enough to actively seek it out But when I see it I'm like Ooh I'm curious I'm like I don't know what it is It's a weird level of excitement Do you You like popping zits, right?

We've popped each other's zits on our backs and necks. Yeah. We'll get into that shit. Yeah. I like popping one of your big old backs. I'm not into watching. I'm into fucking doing. I like to work with my hands.

Yeah. I want to pop that zit. I want to stand on the sidelines. Remember the Jake and Amir video idea I had that we never shot, which was you popping a zit on my back. And then it's like the POV of the zit. I want to stand on the sidelines. Remember the Jake and Amir video idea I had that we never shot, which was you popping a zit on my back, and then it's like the POV of the zit, and I would throw vanilla pudding in your face and it would explode so

thick. It would be like a goop of pus. Oh, we should do that, because then you should start spraying me with red paint, too. Like it's bleeding. Cover it! It's a life of its own.

Yeah, I do like popping, especially on myself. Yeah. On others, fine. And then seeing the videos is a whole different thing. But this guy, I guess, got in, quote, trouble from his girlfriend. You're saying maybe she's just being playful a little bit. Yeah, I could imagine that she's just razzing him, just ripping him a little bit about it. I don't think you should defend it and be like, no, I love these zit videos. Don't turn it into

a thing. But I don't know. It's kind of, if she's like, that's disgusting, you need therapy, you could just be like, all right, I won't show you when i watch that anymore but everybody needs therapy so i will go but i barely think the popping thing will come up definitely don't go to therapy and say that it's because of the popping don't let your girlfriend think that she sent you to therapy because you have like a problem with zip pop also like look at the sidebar of that reddit like how many how many peoplebar of that Reddit. Like how many, how many people are in that Reddit? I bet it's a fuck ton.

It didn't look very active. I don't know. Let me check it out. R slash popping. Shout out to Jake and Amir Reddit. R slash Jake and Amir, which is popping. This one only has,

oh, I guess it's pretty high. 240,000 members. Yeah. So I feel like if your girlfriend is like, you're disgusting, you'd be like, well, me and 240,000 other members disagree. Yeah. 48,000 of whom are online right now.

You think the pus that's coming out of these zits is the same as like mucus coming out of my nose? Like how much white paste can I create from my body? Is it that different, those two things? I feel really stupid because I truly like just read about this in... What if snot and pus were two different things? It's not snot and pus. I think it's like a blocked... It's fat. It's a blocked pore.

I think that's what it is. It's a blocked pore and you can't sweat it out. It's solidified oil or something. Okay. Like the oil that your skin makes, it gets like stopped all in one location. Right. But is that oil the same as mucus?

The same as snot? I don't think it's the same as snot, but it's sweat. I don't think it's the same as snot. I'm not sure what snot is, to be honest, though. Snot, I remember, is like protein and sugar or something. Like mucus is like short for like mucus polysaccharide or something like that. And your nose makes that to...

I think your whole body makes it. Makes mucus. Yeah. Oh, is mucus snot? Like a mucus membrane. I think mucus is snot. We got to get a doctor on here. If you think mucus is snot, it's snot.

Very good. Shout out to Dr. Presley, my buddy. I'm going to get her on this podcast. You think she knows the answer to this stuff? Probably. I mean, you talk to doctors. They don't know what the fuck they're talking about. Look at the guy who cut you up.

I mean, that guy didn't know fucking fuck all. Nice. He didn't know fuck all at all. I have four toes. They're all swollen. He jacked my pinky toe. Were you able to text your doctor the other day? I did text my doctor the other day, and he told me he couldn't get me the meds.

I forgot my medicine in- Zaddy's juice. I forgot it in New York. And I'm in LA, and my foot was hurting. I was like, all right, so I'll just- Oh, I don't have it. And then- Ruffling through your backpack like a fiend.

But when you're texting somebody like oh I forgot my pills can you write me a new prescription you really seem it's not a good look no matter how many times you write lol in the text I bet you think I'm a fucking addict I just need it

lol because I'm in pain doc so he said I can't do it I guess he couldn't do it unless it was in New York or an adjacent state. But I asked your dad who said I could just pick up ibuprofen and take three of them. And I did that and I took four. Whoa. Yeah.

Tylenol, Motrin? Just the straight up ibuprofen. Classic name. Not even like the name brand shit Just the fucking chemical Yeah, the CVS brand Straight up And I do be pro-fin Nice

Your hands are trembling a little bit You could text your father again Yeah, he just says take an Advil or something Do we have Do we have? Do we have any here? Alright, let's take a break. Jake will get fucking roided up or whatever he needs. That's right. I'm doing steroids.

Well, thanks to sponsors. We'll come back with more questions and answers after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not

available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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That was gross. I'll tell you what. I'll tell you about something that I'm doing. Oh, here we go. This is the Scientology shit. I don't want to preach too much about going clear. But do you guys feel stress? I'm serious.

Do you ever feel stress? Can you take a free stress test really quick? Can I give you a free stress test? Yeah, I guess. Give take a free stress test really quick? Can I give you a free stress test? Yeah, I guess. Give me a free stress test. I have recently started eating a mostly plant-based diet. Whole food plant-based? Yeah, whole food plant-based, vegan-adjacent, vegan-ish.

I'm calling it Megan because it's mostly vegan. And it's also a diet for me, so you can fuck off if it's not vegan enough for you. It's a diet for my friend Megan. I watched the documentary during when I was recovering from my surgery, so I'm in a vulnerable state here. You've already changed your diet according to some documentaries before. This is not your first documentary turns you into a thing. It's quite impressionable.

I'm a documentarian's dream. Yeah. Give me 90 minutes and I'll change what I eat for you. Well, cause I'm also always, I am always looking for diets. Yeah. Like to be healthier. Yeah. And I like to try different ones. When I did the year of my wedding, I cut out grains entirely, no sugar, no grains for basically a whole year. Wow. And I honestly felt pretty good on it and I, but I just lost too much weight. out grains entirely no sugar no grains for basically a whole year wow uh and i honestly

felt pretty good on it and i but i just lost too much weight and then i was like i'm gonna just eat whatever i want and work out really hard um billy diet yeah well i mean not what not like what billy eats billy's fucking and billy's insane not as much as you could eat yeah so i did that for the last year-ish. And now I'm into this other thing. Okay. So what is the thing? And what was the documentary?

So the documentary is called Game Changers. Sounds like a game changer. Yeah. Game Changers. I am, day after surgery, I'm like my most lethargic, lowest low. Energy. And I'm watching this documentary about all these like elite athletes like the strongest man in the world um an ultra marathoner that like set the record of

running across the appalachian trail that's like two marathons a day for 75 straight days that seems hard yeah um a football player i forget his name from the Titans. I think he retired now. But anyway, all of these people who- Was it Eddie George? Maybe so. That's cool. But I don't know. Awesome. Eddie fucking George in my doc. It's an honor. I know his wife's name because she's the vegan chef that I follow on Instagram.

Got it. vegan chef that i follow on instagram got it um so i so all these people started they switched from like protein uh from meat-based diets to protein from vegetables diets and they all started performing better they had like increased recovery time and um better performance and stuff okay so i was just like yeah that seems cool seems cool. Maybe I'll try that. Also, I like, aside from getting shredded, it seems like it reduces your,

well, definitely does reduce your carbon imprint to, Right. Because you're not eating meat. Yeah. But without meat, where are you getting the prot?

Uh, like, no eggs, no chicken. The stuff is in all your meals. I guess like beans, lentils, soy protein. The thing, the all your meals. I guess like beans, lentils, soy protein.

The thing that got me was like, he talks about, he's talking to the strongest man in the world. This guy is like, when you work out, you say you want to be as strong as an ox. Yeah. But what does an ox eat? They're vegetarians. You don't see an ox eating lean chicken. Pushing the world strong as man. Oh, yeah, that does make sense. And there was the documentary guy saying that the animals are actually the middlemen.

They get the protein from plants and vegetables that they eat, and we get the protein from the animals that we eat. But we could just go straight to the source. That's why I've been eating dog food. They're also talking about, they're like finding, people talk about the caveman diet being like all meat and stuff. But I guess like a new way they have of discovering and reading fossils has shown that cavemen mostly ate vegetables. So are you eating rice on this vegan-ish diet? Yeah. Vegans can have rice.

Yeah, but it's not like plant-based. Yeah, I guess that's... Can you eat bread? Yeah, whole bread. So you can have like a whole wheat bagel. Yeah. Sort of the opposite of what you used to be doing. I used to avoid bread at all costs. Yeah. Yeah. Sort of the opposite of what you used to be doing. I used to

avoid bread at all costs. Yeah. And not like grains, but now I'm like, oh, okay. So as long as I'm not eating meat, and I'm mostly eating vegetables, I'm not gonna begrudge myself a fucking whole wheat bagel if I want one. So you can have like cream cheese, bacon.

How long have you been going with this vegan thing? What day is today? The 12th of January. I started on January 2nd. It's only 10 days. And you haven't had anything? Or you have slipped a little bit?

No, this is why it's vegan. I'm allowed to have whatever. If I want something, I'm going to eat it. I'm still like- I'll have a salmon. Three quarters of the time, I am vegan. But this morning, I was with Joel's parents and they had eggs. I'm like, I'm not going to say like, I'm not going to eat these eggs that you prepared.

So I had eggs this morning. Yeah. That seems like good. So it's like vegan with a lenient slant. It's Megan. It's my diet. It's for me. Megan is mostly vegan.

Mostly vegan. If I'm cooking for myself, it's vegan. If I'm'm cooking for myself it's vegan if i'm ordering for myself it's vegan and then if i go somewhere where like someone's made me dinner i just i'm gonna eat that okay so it's like a polite vegan it's vegan without pissing people off kind of and i think i'd have tuna fish if it came up in fact do you mind if i stop this record for a second and postmate sushi i'm i'm vegan right like most of the time i will most of the time i'm vegan monday through friday eat vegan and then i have a tuna sandwich on saturday and somebody gets to be like you're not a vegan yeah like yeah i guess this meal isn't vegan but fuck you you eat meat non-stop all the time you don't

care you'll eat jerky at a gas station. You're willy-nilly. I mean, I'm also, I've only done this for 10 days, but I'm just saying it is weird that you, once you announce that you have this sort of holier-than-thou strict type diet that people imagine, everybody wants to poke a hole in it. That's right. Like, oh, you never have butter? Yeah.

I don't know. Sure, maybe if I'm at someone's house and there's fresh baked bread, I'll in it. That's right. Like, oh, you never have butter? Yeah. I don't know. Sure, maybe like... So you're not vegan. If I'm at someone's house and there's like fresh baked bread, I'll eat it. Yeah. And maybe it was made with butter.

I don't care. I don't care at all. You're a very rare breed of vegan that quote doesn't care at all and will eat tuna. Yeah. But like most of the time if I'm vegan,

if I'm making like... So I would say you're not vegan. I guess that's... And that's fine. I'm not saying that's bad or good. time, if I'm vegan, if I'm making like... So I would say you're not vegan. I guess that's... And that's fine. I'm not saying that's bad or good, but I'm saying your label is wrong. Well, I'm not vegan. You're not vegan either. I'd be like, yeah, that's correct.

I'm also not. I'm vegan. Change your name. Change your name to me. I am. I am Megan. Okay. Because I do think that it's good. It's good for the environment to mostly eat plant-based.

I mean, I do agree that, like, I don't understand why diets are so, like, strict like that. Like, vegans can't ever do this. Like, can't you just eat less meat? Can't you just eat less grains? Can't you just eat less sugar? Why do you have to be like, I'm never going to have any. I'm never going to have it. I'm going to have a cheat meal and then gorge myself.

I think it's because people, it's a slippery slope where you're like, I'm vegan most of the time. Or I don't eat, I'm on like Atkins most of the time. I don't stay away from bread. But then you have a cheat meal and you're like, your cheat meal starts on Sunday. But then you're like, I'm going to have a cheat meal on Saturday night. First meal Monday morning. I'm going to ease into my week. Then before you know it, you're off your diet. So people like to stay strict to their diet because it's easier than going off and on. But

for me, that's not the case. I do like leniency, like less meat. And for me, it's way less meat and way more vegetables. What about Jill? You're at home. She's cooking food. Is she also Megan? She watched the documentary. So she's down to be vegan. She's more vegan than me, but she's still Megan. So she'll occasionally have the meat. Yeah, and Micah's Megan. What does Micah do now

that he is by himself at home? He cooks like Beyond Burgers. Yeah, a lot of fake meat. Fake meat. And I love fake meat fake meat fake meat's great i had a soy uh soy riso burrito the other day it's easy when you're contained and at home like i'm only gonna buy this i'm only gonna make this like you said the hard part is i'm at a restaurant or i'm at a company dinner and everyone's ordering sushi yeah and i think it's since it's trendy now, it's gotten easier. Like I'm,

when I, I was like ordering food the other night, there's so many completely vegan places in LA. Yeah. And even the places that aren't vegan have like a vegan, a gluten free, a vegetarian. So what'd you eat Friday night for dinner?

That was when I got my soy riso burrito. And then Saturday I had, um, um, like chips and salsa. Question mark. And then I sort of, I felt anemic, so I fainted. So I don't remember what I ate on Sunday. Actually, I had, I definitely was not fully vegan on Sunday. I had a croissant in the morning.

Of course. And that's fine too because you're not vegan. I'm vegan, man. I do like the way eating more vegetable makes me feel though. You do, you end up eating more healthy stuff. Right. I think because like, I used to think that I used to, you know, 10 days ago, I really used to think that like you need a big piece of meat and then sides. Yeah. And my sides were never that healthy either.

So. Potatoes. Potatoes are fine. Yeah. And chicken's fine. I've said this before, but vegans shouldn't be allowed to have French fries. Like that's our food.

What? Sorry. You don't get to have that is what I'm saying. All right. Well, if anybody's interested in going vegan. Yeah. Just do it. Yeah.

Just do it. Cause you don't have to commit to anything yeah that's cool it's like a pescatarian just make a couple vegan choices throughout the week yeah a lot of people do that like vegan until dinner vegan monday through friday uh yeah like having two two your meals a day be vegan or meatless monday or whatever yeah i think it's a nice little practice. Every little bit helps. I mean, I'm going to have a lot of eggs. Eggs are the goat.

Especially goat eggs. I fucking love goat eggs. All right. This is a question about a groomsman speech. Ooh. Doesn't seem to be embarrassing, so I'll just use his real name. Oh, wow. Getting loose.

I don't give a shit. My best friend is getting married next year, and I would love to have my speech written out scroll style. We've always loved your videos and became best friends because of them. Having the same sense of humor and always spitting off Jake and Amir inside jokes at each other. He's the sweetest person in the world, so I know this surprise would be the highlight of his wedding. You should definitely change his name, asshole. You're going to ruin his surprise.

All right. I'll just bleep it out. I'll use his real name. It's just a guy trying to make a surprise over for his friend. Well, we didn't use his full name.

I was wondering if I could get some of your ideas for the scroll, i.e. what to say on the scroll or perfect rhymes to have in the scroll speech.

Much love. Oh, here we go. Insert animal for first name and beverage for the last. Okay. Raccoon Pepsi. Okay, very good. Raccoon Pepsi. Raccoon Pepsi.

Scroll idea for a groomsman. That's a big swing if not everyone at the wedding is a fan. Yeah, I would almost make my advice to not do this. Yeah. But I'm so flattered. Maybe this is more of a bachelor party idea. That's fair. That is fair. Yeah. Or like, I think a bachelor party idea is good. Maybe like a, I don't know, a speech with the boys before the wedding. Take it from someone who had to do a scroll in a serious venue by accident. Me. Yeah.

You don't want to be at number nine drinking swine, butt chugging a fucking Advil. Which was, that list was top 10 babes to bone. Yeah. Which has not aged well. And barely was aging well when we wrote it in 2012 though to be fair most of it was about like hooking up with like ethan hawke or justin bieber or something yeah but it was at a what was it we performed at a somebody hired us to perform at like a boston university but it wasn't just a comedy show it was a it was like an awards show for teachers for some reason i thought we talked about this on the podcast before maybe we have it was like the worst show yeah we've ever done so it's just like a guy who was planning it

was like oh these guys are really funny and we're like all right we're just gonna do like whatever we usually do which is like silly weird sketches and he's like that's fine i'm sure it'll go over well yeah but we get there and it's like a little dinner luncheon situation where everybody's at round tables eating meals yeah older ladies and gentlemen who had never heard us and they're getting awards for like campus social justice yeah uh nice things just things that were serious somber affairs the most generous teacher at the school award. And I'm saying, number four, Megan Fox munching on her naked box. I can't believe we read the whole list. At a certain point,

I just turned off the shame part of my brain and powered through. It was at least nice for me because all of my reactions were what the audience was feeling. Like, how dare you say this? You're disgusting. You're a bad person, man.

Stop talking. It's amoral. I think I started improvising at one point because, like, it just needed to go shorter. Skip to the end. Skip to the end, man, please. I was surprised you finished. I remember thinking that.

And not in a good way. Not, like, pleasantly surprised. Wow, I was proud of you. Like, surprised, proud of you for powering through. Yeah, like in a good way not like pleasantly surprised wow i was proud of you a surprise proud of you for powering through yeah yeah like in a bad way like you shouldn't have but not like in a way that's like oh you shouldn't have like in a real you really shouldn't have done that i bet the person that invited us was like not expecting us to do a really offensive list yeah so shame on us in a way yeah in a. But we could have gotten a little more insight, so shame on them again. Okay, so list ideas?

Top 10 reasons not to be wed by raccoon freaking Pepsi. If you do decide to go for a scroll, let us know what theme you want, and maybe Jake and I can even write a few of them. That's right. We'll read it on the show. That could be our gift to you. All right. One last question.

Yes. Okay. This guy is a 24 year old dude from Washington in desperate need of the perfect text. Ooh. Okay. Let's do this. George.

George writes, I'm currently in the Abu Dhabi airport at 2 a.m on my way to backpack around europe for two months while i'm there i have plans to visit my ex who's 25 and french and lives in europe we're going to travel together for nine days in prague and budapest you know do the whole hostel thing. Here's the tricky part. I'm in charge of booking the hostels and I'm not sure what kind of room to get. Do I go for the cheap dorm beds for us, the private room with two single beds, or the private room with a single double bed? We have been flirting for a little bit over text and I feel like we might hook up, in which case the

single bed private is the way to go. But how do I book this room and tell her ahead of time without coming off like a sleazy ex who just wants to bang? I'm totally cool not hooking up also. I'm just afraid if I go ahead and book single bed private, she doesn't want, and she doesn't want to do anything, it'll be an awkward disaster. My request is for the perfect text to ask her what kind of room to get. Love, George. George. Wait, so the

three options are public, which is we can discount, whatever. And then there's another one which is single beds, but in a private room. Yeah, imagine two cots in a single room. And then there's one double bed. Obviously, you can there's one double bed. Obviously you can't do the double bed. It's way too presumptive. The double bed. It's like, oh,

the one where it's like, oh, it's just one bed. I think regardless of like anything that the two single beds in a private room is the best case scenario. Because if you want to hook up, you can put the beds together or sleep in a single bed together. But it's like, I don't even think you need to say like, what type of room should we get? You should just be like, hey, good news. I got us private rooms. We have our own beds. That's like the best sleeping scenario you could ask for. Yeah. You're sort of avoiding the worst situation. One, we can get rid of the public one right away. Obviously you don't want the public one right away. Obviously, you don't want the public one. Yeah, that's a bad one. And I can understand you being like,

I don't want to like, but she's traveling with you for nine days. And you guys were intimate before. I don't think you guys need like a public room barrier to hooking up. No. Or like you can easily sleep in a single bed in a room that's private and not hook up and that'd be fine too. Yeah. If she thinks you guys are going to hook up, then getting a double bed is like the wrong decision or like getting two separate beds is the wrong decision. But that's not even like that bad. Right. If she thinks you're not hooking up and you get a single bed, that's not a good look. The other thing to remember is if you're in charge of booking these rooms, she's probably not looking.

She doesn't even know what the choices are. So I think the most gentlemanly thing to do is to just get the single bed or single room with separate beds. So that way there's not really like a should we get a, I don't know. But I guess it's a little bit tricky. But it's not trickier than like, really what you want to do is take off the table, take double bed off the table. Yeah. And then if you're looking at public room or private room, anybody in their right mind wants the private room. Right.

So you just do that. So is the perfect text out there do you text at all yeah i wonder because like you can also just be like this is the room we got i asked for a private room they gave us this one with two if she's upset that it's not a double bed it's better to have her be like oh we why didn't we get a double bed we can share and then you can call ahead and get and see if you get the other ones changed then for you guys to get there and it's a double bed we can share and then you can call ahead and get and see if you get the other ones changed then for you guys to get there and it's a double bed and she's like what did you do yeah i think this was yeah she's not gonna say that if that if there's two beds it's like what two beds what did you think this was yeah i guess we're not gonna hook up if you're if you're

like still concerned you could send her like the first hostel that you guys are staying in. You say this room, this room, and this room. Hey, which one of these looks best to you? Because maybe there's a price thing involved there too. Yeah. So you're saying- I think even if you're in charge, if you send her the three options and you're like, which one do you like? Thoughts?

Huh? Thoughts, question mark. Circle the one that you want to sleep in the most. A tater for your tots? So specific text or no text? It's really what this guy feels the relationship is at. I would probably, I'm trying to think what I would actually do in this situation. You think you would just book? I would just book the two single beds, not even text. I believe that's what... If you put the situation on her, then she's in the same predicament. Right.

I don't think anybody wants to be like, let's get the double beds. And this is something you guys will have nine days to discuss. You don't need it to be heavy going into it. And if you guys hook up and you guys are have nine days to discuss. Yeah. You don't need to, you don't need it to be heavy going into it. And if you guys hook up and that's, and you guys are both into it, you can switch, switch moving forward. On the day.

On the day. All right. Let's try to answer one last question real quick. Okay. This guy's from New Zealand. NZ. But you can call me Russell Westbrook. Okay.

I'm super fucked while writing this, but most, but like most people, I need your advice with a relationship. I've been going out with my girlfriend for six months, and we've been having a lot of fights recently. Like a lot, almost two a week. I just graduated high school, and I booked my gap year trip

before getting with her, but I've sort of delayed it because I fell super in love with her, and I thought I wanted to stay in Enzid just for her and to go to uni. Side note, she's been with four other guys, and I've only been with her. And that's something that really bothers me. To stop being a dickhead and cut a long story short, should I just continue with this relationship and go through with all the fights and doubts or

board my flight on the 1st of March to Europe and fuck heaps of bitches? I'm not the best looking guy, but I give good dick. I love the show, and I have nice-smelling balls, bro. I'd really appreciate any help on this queue. Go OKC Thunder, by the way. They'll beat the Lakers in the first round. Fuck, this is a long email. Good night, brothers. He lost you at that last line, huh?

It's funny because since he sent this, the Lakers beat the Thunder without LeBron and Anthony Davis, so I hope he wasn't watching that game that's awesome but that aside all right uh the real roller coaster of emotions this guy's drunk he even says so in the email yeah uh it seems like he doesn't want to be with this girl anymore i think that right the options are like should i continue with this relationship that's bad or go and fuck lots of as he said bitches it's i mean that's clear yeah he's also like a kind of guy that's only he said he's only slept with this one girl and it really bothers him that his girlfriend has slept with four so i don't know if i really trust his ability to go off and

fuck heaps of bitches in europe either i think the the third option that's left unsaid is that there's probably some work you could do on yourself to make this a better relationship. You're saying it's unsaid and NZ? Unsaid and NZ. That's nice. Yeah. I think the jealousy is not a good look. I think that your general doubt in the relationship, that might be a source of the fights.

So it's worth thinking about what's causing the fights and trying to fix that. And maybe you'll go back to feeling like you're in love with her and then it's worth staying and going to uni. But in its current form, the relationship isn't worth not having that kind of awesome experience gap year. Yeah. 18 years old. You're fighting with this lady. You're not a fully formed adult yet, it seems.

Yeah, I also, I think it's bad to compare sex numbers with people. It's just not, it doesn't tell the full story at all. Yeah, unless it's like perfectly even and never really works out very well. But even if it's even, it's weird. I mean, it's not worth it, but I will say that in the grand scheme of things, works out very well. But even if it's even, it's weird. I mean, it's not worth it,

but I will say that in the grand scheme of things, four versus one isn't, that's like a pretty, that's pretty close actually. Yeah, you guys are both under 100. Yeah. Fuck,

you might even be both under 20. I mean, they are, right? Hell, they're under five. They're both under five. Yeah,

I was going to say 10. Yeah, well, that too. So five is even even less than that i thought you were good at math i was i got kicked in the head i have a snot infection uh so go to europe is the short answer to this long email yeah i think of all the options one of which he didn't mention and I gave him, the coolest one seems like go on your gap year. I don't think that a high school relationship, as good as it might seem,

is worth bailing on on the experience of traveling the world for a year. And this guy doesn't even seem like he's in a good relationship anyway. Yeah. And I will say that it seems like it's partly to mostly his fault. That's right. That's also correct. But congr's partly to mostly his fault. That's right.

That's also correct. But congrats on your balls smelling good. That's fun. Yeah, that's cool. Go Thunder, I guess. You know why he's a Thunder fan from NZ? Ryan Adams. That's right.

Well, Stephen Adams. Stephen Adams. Ryan Adams is a singer, right? Who hates New Zealand. You fool. Stephen Adams. All right. You fool. Stephen Adams. All right. Thank you for writing in.

Send those questions and theme songs to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one was written by Dee Heasy. You remember that one? Yes, I do.

From Brisbane. Yeah. And who wrote the closing one? I don't know, man. You get the emails. You choose the songs. That's.

I barely even. Quite a question. Yeah. Let's figure it out. Mitchell Wells. Nice. Oh, huge NADPOD fan. Bring back old Cobb and the vicious V.

That's right. That's. Oh yeah, brother. You get it. You've been on NADPOD now. You understand. Old Cobb? Old Cobb.

The vicious V? He has a really fucking sexy abdomen. Has Yugo come up a bunch in the show since I left him? Like, do people talk about him in passing? Like, if you guys are walking down the street? There's been some good, like, Yugo art on the Reddit. There's some very good Yugo fan art. Yugo's got a fan base.

I'll say that for him. I'm thinking about doing, like, a Yugo-style vlog. A Yugo spinoff. Yeah, where it's just Yugo playing D&D by himself. All of the biggest villains in NADDPod should all be in a campaign together. If you want more If I Were You, you can always check out our Patreon, which is patreon.com slash ja. By the way, Lonely and Horny season one is up there now.

So if you've been waiting until our Patreon was rife with content. It is now rife. It really is. You should go check it out. It is officially rife. Sweet. And we'll be back, of course, next week. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Bye. Wouldn't it be rife Jake and Amir this is the theme song You want some cookies? Go check out Jake's mom They got a website with Squarespace They got head gun gigging without my face You can eat chicken at a farm Chicken is my issue.

Blumenfeld of beer, that's his name on Twitter. No check mark here, but he's not bitter. Blumenfeld of beer, that's his name on Twitter. No check mark here, but he's not bitter. Armour surefoot? No, that's Jake Hurwitz. So Rome dies, no more curses on his streets. Armour surefoot? No, that's Jake Hurwitz. So roll the dice, no more curses on his streets. I'm a surefoot. No, that's Jake Hurwitz. So roll the dice, no more curses on his streets. If you give me to Godfather, call J.W. if I were your show. Amir is a chipmunk.