Segments - 418: Addiction

Episode Date: January 20, 2020

In this episode we discuss baby names, Foo Fighters, and how Jake's new diet is going.Fore more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. I'm in a sticky situation. Need advice. And now I know these two gorgeous who

Have a podcast A show called The Fire With You And I wonder If I shoot right into them And maybe they'll decide I wonder if I should write it to them And maybe they'll decide to read my letter I guarantee they'll make fun of me real good The only thing I'll ever ask of you God, I promise to give Jake that golden mind

The show starts now Great, great song. That was groled. It was really groled. That was more than silver. It was groled. I really appreciate that groled song by Aaron Brown from Canada. The man with the Grollden voice.

Nice. He says there are two kinds of people in this world, people who crush their New Year's resolution within the first month and people who crush them within the first month of the following year. Apparently, I'm the latter. Indeed. Indeed, you are. So this was his

2019 resolution it was worth the wait and he finally got around to it i can't believe he waited that long to to hide his voice that was uh he hid his voice from us it was an everlong parody by the fighters foo indeed you know what foo stands for, right? I guess no. Food. Pray tell. Yeah, it's short for food. No. I think it's short for, or long for Kung Fu. So they probably had like, oh, let's call us the Food Fighters. That's fun.

It's playful. We could do like food fights in our music videos. And then Dave Grohl went to submit it on AIM, and it was like F-O-O-D-F-I-I-G-H-T-E-R. Oh, shit, we're out of space. Let me get rid of the D. So then it was like, Foo Fighters. That's fine.

That's close enough. You think that that is what happened? You think that Dave Grohl was submitting the band's name to AIM and it was too long? Yeah, because this was the early 90s, and that's sort of how you like copy wrote shit. It looks like it is. According to Wikipedia,

it's an unidentified flying object of a kind reported by US pilots during World War II. You mean World War Fu? Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, you're becoming a germ. You're just one big germ.

I really am. What happened? Of course, you're sick, so you blame me because that's what usually happens. That is what happens. Whenever we're both sick, it's always my fault, right? Well, because you're better, right? Yeah, I'm better. That's how it works. So you got sick first.

And then you feel better. I'm sorry. You got sick. Oh, my brother is FaceTiming. Oh, jeez. Perfect timing. I'll have to decline it. I'm sorry. He'll hear this and he'll understand why. I'll chat with him later.

Yeah, look, I think the way sickness typically works is that one person gets sick, they get another sick, and so on and so forth. But you always think it's me getting you sick. You always do get me sick, fucker. And as soon as I'm sick, you're mad at me because you know that you're gonna get sick. I know that I'll get sick. I know I'm sick, you're mad at me because you know that you're going to get sick. I know that I'll get sick.

I know I'm going to get sick. I basically, I think I have a fucking perfect immune system, except you know how to get past the wall. I'm the Yugo of your immune system. I knew it. As soon as I walked into the room with you in LA and I heard you fucking sniffle, I knew I was done. It was too late. You sit there. You're almost proud.

You fucking love it. Have you ever gotten me sick or it's always the other way around? I don't know. I probably have gotten you sick. Fine. But I'll tell you two times. You got me sick on my bachelor party. I'll have gotten you sick. Fine. But I'll tell you two times, you got me sick on my bachelor party. I'll never forgive you for that one.

I'm sorry I had to fly to Iceland on a red eye and I didn't feel good when I landed. Yeah. You're so contagious. Does Jill ever get you sick or do you ever get Jill sick? Jill's, I think we've probably gotten each other sick,

but actually, she's been sick and we've like spent a week in the house with her being sick and I didn't catch it. And why do you think that what you're currently feeling right now is mine and not hers? I guess because she wasn't sick when I left or when I got back.

So you're like, oh, maybe it takes too long. I mean, I think that it happens pretty fast. I was in an editing bay with you and one other person who was also sick. So it seems pretty, it stands to reason that that's where the sickness came, right? Right. Plus the travel. When you're going from hot weather to cold weather on an airplane. It's not, that's not what it's about.

That's not what it's about. It's about being in close proximity with a fucking germ. That's you, man. Have I ever gotten you sick? Probably. I'm just not like a little brat about it. Little what? Little what?

Oh, a little brat. A little branch out. You're calling me a little brat. You're a twig of it. A little bit of a jerk, right? And then your neck also hurts? Yeah, man. My neck also hurts.

Because you're lying down in a very peculiar fashion right now. I don't know what I did, but I sort of pinched my neck. My body is falling apart from the foot up. So all of it. There's everything. And from the foot up. So all of it. There's everything. And from the neck down. I got a head cold, a neck ache, a fucking bum foot. You're not resting is the problem.

Everything else is kind of fine. You're going out still. Yes, I am. I'm not going out. You didn't go to that comedy show yesterday? Well, I went to Gabrus' High and Mighty Power Hours. I wasn't going to miss that. That's out.

That's of course out. It's cold. You're leaving the house. You're not resting. You're drinking. I should be resting. Yeah. I didn't really drink.

And then tonight you're going to another party. Yeah, Vinny's birthday. I'm not going to miss that shit. So now you're going to get other people sick. Yeah, honestly, I might. I really might. That's fine because you're already sick. I guess I'm just looking out for number one.

You. Yeah. No, I think I am going to go, and I'll probably get some people. I'll probably shake hands willy-nilly. Oh, that's cool. You'll do like a kissing game of sorts. A hug, kiss on the cheek. Let's play spin the bottle.

Have a sip of my drink. This is a nice cocktail. Have a sip. No, really, have it. Why don't you take mine, a hockaloogie, and a fucking beer and give it to Dave Rosenberg? I don't care. Yeah, you don't. I really don't care because I'm in pain and I want everyone to be in pain.

My neck hurts, so I want your neck to hurt. Yeah, it's unrelated. You should have foot surgery. What? No, yeah, my neck. I don't know what I did. I like slept on it weird. And on Saturday, what day is today?

Today is Friday. So it's been like six days. But last Saturday, I like could not turn my head to look over my left or right shoulder. That's not okay. It was so tight and sore. Basically, I'm turning 37 this weekend, and it's making you age 50 years in the process.

It seems like it. As soon as my foot's better, I got to start doing yoga nonstop. That's cool. That's going to be my New Year's resolution, just fucking yoga. I said nonstop, but I was going gonna say my resolution was to do it twice a week which is which is to be non-stop yeah it is non-stop if you do it for three and a half days straight twice a week yeah i guess that's what i'll have to do i do i'm gonna start doing more you don't have any pain in your body zero zilch nothing uh right now uh fuck, earlier today I bit my cheek, so I feel like that'll sort of hurt.

That's good. Actually, that helps a little bit. It's really frustrating to bite your cheek. It just healed. Really? This is the darndest thing. And I bit my cheek out of solidarity, so mine is fucking, I'm bleeding. All right, let's look out for number fun that's right answering

some questions for everybody yeah uh this is a fire you after all an advice podcast the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us i'm amir i'm josh and you are um falling apart but still with us yeah i feel so sick you think you. If you feel this good in two hours, will you still go to a party? Well, the thing is, it's not about... I mean, I love Vinny. I'm going to go to his party, but I'm getting dinner with Jeff and Dave and Mike,

and I made a reservation, and they charge me if I don't go. So I got to do that. I'm not going to eat that fucking 80 bucks no you're gonna eat that steak frites when you get there i'm not gonna eat a steak frites i'm a freaking megan dude i don't eat steak frites we got some questions about the meganism but we'll save that for the break good as long as people aren't coming at me here's a question um from a lady um we'll call her stay free uh what just sort of named after steak free but it's like a steak free to call it i should say very good um i need your help to help me settle the dumbest yet most high stakes argument my boyfriend and I have ever gotten into.

One day, when the topic of babies came up, my boyfriend mentions that if he had a son, he'd want to name it Buster. I laughed like any mentally sound person would, considering I rightfully assumed this was a joke. Nope. Months have passed since this conversation, and every time he can bring it up uh he genuinely wants to name a child that i will have to carry that inside me and suffer for nine months named fucking buster he will rub my stomach and say can't wait till put little buster in there it makes me want to slap him now all this is hypothetical seeing as though neither of us want children anytime soon so if i'm lucky we will only have daughters and i will never have to even approach this argument ever again however he is seriously is he seriously convinced that buster is a really cool sounding baby name my question is

is buster actually a cool fucking name and am i just being a bitch i need your wisdom desperately help me or help him see this situation clearly love you guys so much been listening for years patreon member and i saw you guys in chicago sweet hey thanks i already told him you can call the kid buster as a nickname i don't give a fuck about that but buster will never go on a birth certificate i that's the i mean that's kind of the perfect solution isn't it i don't think buster is a good name on the birth certificate but buster's kind of a cute nickname yeah let me see what buster keaton's real name was joseph frank yeah so not really b yeah i don't i i think buster i don't know i i also don't fully i'm not fully on board

with like designing a nickname and then you know like you name your kid something and then you're like but the nickname will be this i feel like nicknames need to occur a little more naturally yeah like you don't know what the nickname will be until they fucking they happen organically you don't know what you're doing buster oh wait no that worked it did uh although now i'm hearing more like uh abbreviated names or like the official name like my buddy josh heller shout out to josh had a baby named actually had twins hank and lucy but hank isn't short for henry it's just hank officially hank heller yeah i love that name by the way i told i told you this but i i had always dreamed of naming my son Hank.

Yeah, the H-H, Hank Heller, Hank Hurwitz. Yeah, luckily for Heller, well, I guess he wouldn't really care if my son was named Hank, but Jill's not interested. Yeah, so that's another example that seems like both parents have to really agree on this name. Yeah, I floated some baby names by Jill that she did not like. Anything as bad as Buster? Ragnar. I'm like kind of hell-bent on naming my kid Ragnar.

What's Ragnar? Is that like a movie? It's like a Norse Icelandic type Viking name. There was a movie called Thor Ragnarok. Unrelated to that. Yeah, well, I think maybe it's related. It's like some kind of like war god or something, Ragnar. want to create like a little dnd character sort of yeah i mean like yeah yeah you i feel like you grow into your name right like buster would probably be a little bit of a scoundrel which is

a good reason not to name him buster right off the bat only call him buster if he is a scoundrel yeah buster is not a real name. I think you have that on your side. Yeah. Steak Frida. Wait, it's like, I'm sorry. I didn't fully understand. Like this, this guy is like constantly saying Buster, like he wants the kid to be named Buster or it just like came up and now it's eating away at her. I think it came up about child names that they like. And then he mentioned Buster. She hated it. Now he keeps bringing it up and pissing her off. Yeah. I think that like you,

whenever you argue about stuff that's like so hypothetical and far in the future, I think you, you might as well just not right. Like, I wonder how baby names happen. Like who, like what if one person,

like who actually officially inputs it into a database? Do both parents have to sign off, or can the dad just scurry off while the mom's giving birth? Be like, write it down as Buster. Do, like, the birth certificate as Buster. I wonder. I mean, I bet you can get away with some John Wolf-style baby naming ceremony. Yeah. Glocal- based shenanigans. Like Glocal will put on,

Glocal will put on like scrubs, go into the nurse's station and be like, oh yeah, so Mr. and Mrs. Fritz over there told me that the baby's name will be Buster. Yeah, and it's like officially Buster. And then they'll be like, oh, we thought his name was Henry. And he's like, no, actually. And then they'll be like, oh, we thought his name was Henry. And he's like, no, actually.

Yeah, they said Buster. Yeah. And I wonder when that name becomes official. Is it like an electronic system where they like hit enter and it's like, now if you ever want to legally change it. Yeah, I don't know. I have no idea how that type of shit works. I told you the story about how my sister Rachel found out when she was 16 that her name was spelled differently, right? No.

My sister Rachel, her name is spelled R-A-C-H-A-E-L on her birth certificate. But I guess when Rachel was going into, or even shortly after she was born, my mom was just like, oh, I don't want to give her a weird spelling. I'll just make it rachel so she grew up r-a-c-h-e-l and then when she was 16 she like went to the dmv to get her driver's license and they're like your name is r-a-c-h-a-e-l you can't just change it yeah how do they know they knew officially what her name was more than she did yeah because you i mean that's what's on the birth certificate. I think that they

take that at the hospital. I'm sure there's like electronic systems for it now. They like, but I vaguely remember my birth certificate like being at City Hall when I had to go get my license. Yeah, I've never seen my birth certificate, I don't think. We have a copy of it,

but I think the official one is like, it's filed in the city you were born. Right. And I was born in Israel. So my birth certificate is just how to spell my name in Hebrew. So like, when did I choose? My mom could have been like, yeah, your name is spelled E-M-I-R. We really ought to have a bureaucrat on this podcast. I want to get down to the nitty gritty of how do you choose a social security number? What's your official name and when do you give it and how do you change it yeah is all that stuff done at the hospital or does the hospital call what you're the fucking government i want to say trump is

responsible for writing them all down into a book but that doesn't make sense right he's they call him every time a baby is born in the united states they're like we need we need like eight numbers whatever whatever you can come up with nine numbers i mean shit you know he's not left or right-handed that's never happened before really he's bad he's like it's not ambidextrous because that means you're good with both hands right so he has two off hands i don't know how he ever like that happen. Dumbidextrous. You think just by virtue of growing up in America would have chosen a dominant hand but I guess he never got to that stage. Right, when you don't have to do shit.

It's pretty cool actually. It's not cool. Don't name your kid Buster. Don't worry about it. He's probably teasing you at this point. This isn't a fight you have to have now not until like you're on like month eight of the pregnancy that's when you start that's when the fight becomes real that's when you dig your heels in tell them you just let her

let him tucker himself out what if two parents can't choose a name they give birth to a child do they are they like can you just leave it blank for now? Or like, no, we have to write it down. And the nurse just ends up like putting in a dummy name for now. I don't think they can leave it blank. Yeah. And I would imagine that the mom gets the final say. That would be wild if they're like, hey, the parents have to agree dad just like playing a switch in the corner i really still like buster mom recovering from a c-section is tetris a name yeah you would i think the mom chooses that's insane if that's not the case but what if the mom's like i let i can't, I can't decide. I'm sorry.

I don't know. Do they, maybe they let you take the baby home without a name. It seems crazy. Or the nurse is like, I'm going to have to just choose a name randomly and like assign it. And then you guys will have to change it down the line. We should look up.

What if I can't choose a baby name? All right. Yeah. Look it up. Let's find out. I would like, it'd be cool if someone would let us name a baby oh that's cool i guess people have asked that before we sort of gave like half-hearted suggestions but like legit can me and you name a baby is anybody listening pregnant um is anybody

listening pregnant let me google that let us know i. I already have a whole bunch of, I have so many godchildren. I love them all like they're my own and they are my own. All right. If we had to name a kid, what would you go? You'd go Hank for boy? No, because I want to use that one for my family. I think I could chip away at Jill between now and whenever we have kids. Chip's pretty good. Chip is nice. Yeah. We don't have to make a whole thing of it. Chip's perfect. I like Chip for a boy or a girl. Or for a girl, it could be Chimp.

Chimp? Chimp for a girl, Chip for a guy, Chat for a chap. And Slat for an eye. Oh, a pirate's life for me. Name your kid, throw him over the ledge, rock the plank and name her Chimp. Squawk goes my parrot, thrust goes my sword, bury the treasure, eat a gourd.

Rojo, yee-lee-ho, yee-hee-hee. Name a kid, Chimp for me. She's a little monkey, can't you see? Toss that baby over a bridge. Eat a fig. Make it ranch style. That's with all the fixings, you see? What the fuck was that, man?

I'm sorry. I'm feeling very feverish at the moment. I don't even remember what I said. You're sick. You're absolutely sick. You're ill. You're not well, man. It's 1984 and you're talking like a fucking pirate.

Go home. Nobody wants to hear you yell. Good lord. All right, let's take a break well thanks sponsors we'll look up how to name kids i fucking guess and uh we'll be back after this thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer

support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change,

but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. Do you? Mom, I'm coming! That was gross.

Do you? I was going to bring up the meganism again, because we got an interesting email about your new diet. But I did want to get into a quick question that I found answered. What happens if parents don't give a baby their name? Oh, yeah, let's hear that. Yeah, I didn't quite get to the bottom of it because I only found out a fun article about the UK. Okay.

Listen to this interesting thing. This is from todayifoundout.com. Beyond giving quite a lot of time for parents to pick a name, unlike a lot of countries, on this side of the pond, the UK is also pretty lax about the names you can pick, generally having a few guidelines

other than it cannot contain obscenities, numbers, or be impossible to pronounce. So you can almost like, you can have your name be vetoed if you're like, want to call them like shit face 69. Really? I guess that's fair. and then in contrast in countries like norway and denmark you're required to pick from an approved

list of names what you have a list yeah that's right that's crazy yeah in 1995 a norwegian woman christy larson attempted to name her 14th child Gesher, which in Hebrew means bridge, can't confirm. Christy claims that the name came to her in her dream. The state, however, didn't care about her nocturnal hallucinations and fined her $420. Why? Because she didn't choose from the approved list of names. Weird. Yeah.

So I'm sure there's even more to be learned, but that's just what I found out in a quick Google search on today. I found out.com. Cool. Everyone at home, Google along, send us your craziest baby naming stories. Speaking of UK,

this guy named London Jackson emailed us about your Megan diet and said, Jake's Megan diet debate was really fun. I've been vegan for 13 years now and I fully support your Megan diet and said, Jake's Megan diet debate was really fun. I've been vegan for 13 years now and I fully support the Megan diet. Every little bit helps. I just thought I'd share that I have some friends that call themselves freegan when you're a vegan, unless someone offers you something for free

that contains dairy or honey or whatever. I have a few friends that I call Gemini vegans because they're vegan unless they're on vacation. Love and support anyone trying to reduce their carbon footprint. So just to catch people up, you decided to be a vegan in the new year, but not quite a vegan because you're not as strict because you have some exceptions. So you called it a megan. I'm a megan. Stands for what?

It's mostly vegan and also the diet belongs to me as in Megan. So you can fuck off if you're going to nitpick what I eat. Cause that's my decision for me. I'm a Megan. That's right. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. So how's your Megan diet going?

And have you sort of solidified any of the rules around it yet? It's awesome. I killed a pig this morning. Um, and I had an acai bowl. Okay. So you're hurting things. Yeah, because I'm not eating them. I can kill more animals. And then are you eating any more meat or less meat than you thought you would? If anything more, no. Yeah, it's been going good. It's pretty easy. I feel like I basically have traveled between New York and LA where most of the time I can very easily like get a vegan option on a menu if I am ordering. And at home, Jill cooks vegan food and I buy vegan groceries. And then like I went to your house and Avital had made steak and I ate steak.

That was part of the meganism where it's, or freeganism where it's vegan unless it's free food being offered to you yeah i've heard of freeganism is also freegans like just take stuff out of the trash that's like another different type of dietary movement they only take a discarded food which i wonder if that's just a joke and not an actual diet yeah i guess uh but yeah, meganism has been going A-okay. And does it bother you that you've never felt worse? I guess it's sort of interesting, all things considered, that I'm, well, I do wonder, like, I don't think I'm eating healthier. I'm definitely eating more vegetables, but like, when I was in LA, I got like a vegan burrito.

It didn't seem like it was necessarily good for me. Last night I ordered vegan pizza with my brother and Dave Rosenberg. I don't think that was good for me. I had like, it was like nut cheese, bread, ranch dressing and cauliflower. It was like, it was kind a, it was kind of like a, a, a Buffalo chicken pizza, but everything was fake, but it was still like, it didn't taste like I was eating a salad. I'll

tell you that. That's right. And you're not like, you're still gorging yourself. So you feel full to a fault at the end of it. Yeah. I think that there's definitely a way to make it healthier. Right now, I'm just sort of prioritizing not eating meat when I can help it. But I was in LA. I got a vegan burrito. Yeah. So I don't think it was healthy. Damn, Daniel.

But we're only 17 days into 2020. So we'll see. We'll see what it brings. Are you interested in trying a vegan diet? No, I'm not. I'm quite not. I'm interested in reducing my carbon footprint for sure. But not in terms of not eating animals.

Yeah. I think that's like one of the best ways to reduce the... What's that? At the very least, fish feels fine. Yeah. I don't know it's everything feels fine and then also everything feels like it's the end of the world because like even fishing fit like the idea of fish feels fine and then you like i don't know you learn that uh they inject dye into fish and they farm salmon whatever it's all everything's terrible fucked yeah and then

i think like my biggest thing is like gluten like eating a lot of bread and eating a lot of like uh all that like um what's it called enriched and scientifically produced and non-whole food based foods right what like i'd want to eliminate that from my diet before like white chicken meat. Yeah, I could see that. But I mean, the good thing, I could still have white chicken meat on my vegan diet because it's like mostly vegan and I don't care if I have it. Yeah. All right. Here's a question from another Brit.

Let's stay across the pond. Why not? We'll call this man you know, that famous British man. Boris Johnson? What? Boris Johnson? Boris Johnson writes, I'm a 20-year-old Brit and I recently started my first 9-to-5 office job. Holy shit, how do

adults stay sane working 8 hours doing nothing? I'm looking for advice on how i can make these terrible hours go by faster i tried listening to a certain podcast wink wink to help and learn the hard way that listening to something that makes you laugh audibly can be an embarrassment in the office thank you we never had to have a bad boring nine to five i mean yeah but there were times that I was bored at College Humor. Right, but a boring day at College Humor still feels probably more exciting than most office jobs.

Yeah, that's definitely true. It's hard to go from student, which is like, you know, college student, which is definitely not nine to five straight. And like, you know, tests that you have to study for, you're sort of making your own schedule into the workforce, which is like much more strict. You don't even have exams. So you're not like necessarily stimulated in the same way. It's sort of this weird anti-school. Yeah.

That is, that's a kind of insane culture shock. I imagine school to nine to five. I mean, what was the worst job you ever had besides HeadGum? Besides podcasting guy. I didn't really have any like bad job. Like I was a tutor, which was fine. It was nice. I had worked on my like school's newspaper at Berkeley a little bit,

but that wasn't like a nine to five. That was like helping out as much as possible. And then I went straight into college humor. You really had it easy. You little shit. Yeah. I worked in a coal mine, but that was only for a summer. When was that? It was only for a summer. Where? What's that? I can't hear you. What's that i can't hear you what's that you're talking softly now i didn't really do it ass i was trying to look cool in front of our freaking listeners i worked in a coal mine well not in the mine but like there was a trailer at the top and i would like answer people's emails and questions phone calls i i did had uh i had a summer job where I was a camp counselor during the day, like from 9 a.m. to 2, and then I would work at my dad's office from like 2 p.m. to 6. So that was like a really long day

where, I mean, the parts where I worked at my dad's office was super boring. Working as an assistant in a tax accounting firm's office at age 19 it's not it's it's not accounting it's tax law there's a difference okay yeah i guess i don't know what are you still working there i'm still working okay well it's it's a family fucking business and i i think you'd have to call my dad a glorified accountant he's a is that where you were yesterday by the way huh is that where you were yesterday we couldn't get a hold of you you're i'm a gopher at my dad's law firm yeah so when they need toner yeah you're like a what like an intern not an intern i'm a gopher as in i get the shit that they need when they need it. I'm kind of like an office manager

and I supply the toner. Yeah, what is toner exactly when you say toner? I think it's like ink where they need to print things legal size on the A16. That's the 8x16 paper, legal law size. When they run out of that and they run out of toner, they ask the gopher and that's me and I grab it. Sorry. Any advice on how to make a 9-to-5 better?

I think you really got to become friends with your coworkers. Your job's not going to get better. The work's not necessarily going to get better. But if you are surrounded by people that you like, the sense of camaraderie might make the work more enjoyable. You'll have a lunch hour with friends. You'll be able to get a drink after work with some chums. Really, it just takes one office crush, and that just will make full seasons fly by. Yeah. I guess I wouldn't necessarily say develop a crush on someone because that could be complicated, but get close to your coworkers. Maybe that's a crush.

Maybe it's not. Who knows? I'm not going to tell you how to live your life except for getting close to your coworkers in some fashion. Can you force a crush? I don't think you can force a crush, no. But I think that they happen pretty naturally when you're working.

Like you have an office crush, a work crush. You usually do. Yeah. Like even if it's not serious, you just like have somebody that you are fascinated by. I think that happens. Yeah. It's almost unavoidable.

Yeah. It's like in a room, there's like this famous math, I guess, thing. Nice. If there's 16 or 17 people in a room, the odds of two of them having the same birthday are like 50%.

It's much higher than you would think. So if you're in an office with 17 people, the odds of two people having a crush on each other, probably over 50%. office with 17 people, the odds of two people having a crush on each other, probably over 50%. Yeah, 17 people, I think the odds of two people falling in love over a period of time if those people congregate regularly, I think is high. All right, let's try to get to one last question.

Yes. We'll call this man Golden Mike. Oh, very good. I've been a fan of Jake and Amir since it ended in 2015, but I didn't realize you guys had a podcast. Since then, I've listened to almost every episode twice, and I can honestly say every Golden Mike Jake has ever won was not only deserved, it was earned. Yes. Anyway, my question might not be one you typically answer, so I'll make it quick. That's right.

Have either of you ever struggled with an addiction? I'm addicted to smoking cigarettes and weed. I'm currently in a place of my life where it's easy to feed my addiction, and I'm struggling to stop. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated. Or at least two minutes of entertainment while I take a ride on this Puff the Magic Dragon thing. I think I've been addicted to stuff. I don't know. There's, I wonder. I've definitely had compulsions to do stuff. Is that addiction? Yeah, I don't know. There's like addiction where it's like, I can't put my phone down.

And then there's addiction where it's like, my body chemically craves nicotine. Is that the same thing? I've never had anything like that where it feels like I am like, I've had things where it feels like I can't stop like putting my phone down. I guess like there are like times when I was doing lots of drugs, but I never felt like I needed it. I couldn't survive without it. You know? It was more like just more like I needed it. I couldn't survive without it, you know?

It was more like just more fun to have it. Yeah. I was like addicted to having fun and I felt like I couldn't have fun without certain drugs. But we've had friends who are addicted to cigarettes that tried, like, there was a book that helped some of my friends that was like hypnotherapy. Yeah. Some of our friends got hypnotized. Oh, Alan Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking. Oh yeah, I remember that. We had friends that like would read that book

and stop smoking for months at a time. We had a bunch of friends who had nicotine gum. There was a hypnotherapist going through like the college humor offices. Is there anything that you've ever been addicted to though? Me personally, no. I mean, phone is an obvious one. That's why I cut the Instagram stories out of my life. Yeah. Like when do you have, when do you have habits? Like, I don't know. I, we'd have to like talk to an actual doctor, I think, to understand what the difference is

between like compulsion, addiction, habits, and all that type of shit. Yeah. Is it all the same chemical addiction or is addiction is specifically like a scientific craving for something? I think addiction, I mean, addiction is a much, much more serious thing than being quote unquote addicted to your phone. Right.

But there are, I mean, there's definitely resources for stopping smoking. Me and Amir clearly aren't a good one, but we told you about two different, a book and a hypnotherapist. So there's two ideas. How is that not enough for you? That's why you listen to the pod because me and Amir are addiction specialists.

You went through a little cigarette thing a little bit, right? I was never addicted. I used to like smoking cigarettes because i thought it made me look cool yeah but then like you were you would have like this like evening cigarette or like yeah driving cigarette i did on the way i think it was just like it was definitely because i was when we first moved out to la i think it was like a little stressed or something because that was when we were writing the pilot and I would have a cigarette in the evening as a way to unwind. Yeah, like a nightcap.

A night cigarette. Yeah. I guess, but I don't think I was ever addicted because I don't, if I didn't have that, it would be fine. I wouldn't be like in a bad mood. I guess that's like a slippery slope on your way to being addicted to cigarettes. I definitely could have become addicted, but I don't think I ever was. I wonder if caffeine also, like you have multiple coffees a day. I guess that's an addiction, actually. My body would go through withdrawal and has when I like didn't drink coffee. There have been times when I don't drink coffee in the morning and I like start to get a headache. And you hear about people that try to quit caffeine and get migraines for the day or for a few days or something.

Yeah. Whenever I'm sick, like in the heart of the sickness, I don't crave that iced coffee that I used to have. Yeah. It's happened to me where I'm like sick and I don't want coffee, but then in the afternoon I'll start to get a headache and I'll be like, why do I feel sick?

Why do I feel sicker? I'm like, oh yeah, I need to just have a little coffee. Right. It just feels fine, more fine because it's coffee instead of like, why do I have this headache? Oh yeah, because I haven't had whiskey today. Yeah. I mean, coffee is definitely one of those acceptable addictions. I want to be addicted to water. Do you not drink enough water? I don't drink enough water. My brother was thinking that I might drink too much water. Oh, you pee too clear.

Yeah. I thought that there wasn't really too much. You couldn't really drink too much water, but maybe I'm flushing out my systems. Maybe that's why my neck hurts. Yeah. I think you could drown your body. Yeah, it'd be really nice for you and I to just like spend a day with like some kind of...

Smart person? Not just a smart person, but like a body expert, a fitness expert. I don't know, a jacked doctor that could tell us everything that we need to know. An Arnold Schwartz, a doctor of sorts. Yeah, that would be nice. All right that's it that's our time thanks for emailing us if you have your own questions or theme song submissions send them to if i were you show at gmail.com the opening theme song was written by aaron brown i thought it was dave growl closing one was written is a jazzy number uh written by brian pain oh i love a jazzy number um i should say we have uh more if i were you waiting for you on our patreon if uh at

patreon.com slash ja that's right and uh some jake and mir watch videos over there lonely and horny is over there one over there working on getting lonely and horny season two over there come on dude uh we're busy we're busy over there and Season one over there, working on getting Lonely and Horny season two over there. Come on, dude. We're busy. We're busy over there. And a HeadGum video you can watch right now with Finn Wolfhard. That's right.

That is right. The wolf for the wolf. That was a very fun day. Finn was in our office. We created some quality content. We laughed. We recorded it. And it's online, youtube.com slash HeadGum.

Check it out. All right. And of course, we recorded it, and it's online, youtube.com slash head of gum. Check it out. All right. And, of course, we'll be back next week where both of us will feel 100%. How cool is that? I cannot wait. I really can't. It's going to be so good. Folks, now we've got a premier comedy duo for you all.

I think you all will enjoy them. They're something else. In fact, one of them is a full-grown chipmunk. It's really spectacular. Not only is he a full-sized chipmunk, he can read, write, answer people's questions, and he sounds just like a person. something else. Anyway, without further ado, I give you, If I Were You. That was a hate gum podcast.