Segments - 419: Stinky Penis

Episode Date: January 27, 2020

In this episode we discuss terrible Tinder messages and the new slate of Headgum podcasts! And then we name a baby, of course. For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA(Note: This was recorded before Kobe's passing. RIP!)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. live hope to see you there nice try one more where where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no no

in this great text there's no disrespect. So when I bust my nut, yeah, break your neck. We got this podcast for the disconnect from all the intellect bullshit world of fact. You're in a situation, feeling like a penetration. You lost your concentration, overwhelming frustration. You're in that desperation. You need advice, yo. This is the show to help you out.

Meant to say, is this the destination? Yes, it is if I were you Everybody, everybody Let's get into it, let's get stupid And start it, get started, get started Let's get it started, ha Let's get it started in here Let's play the episode, ah

Let's play if I were you, oh yeah Under the sea, you and me This play if I were you. Oh, yeah. Under the sea, you and me. This is if I were you. My two Jews, Jake and Amir play, yeah. Okay. I bet you know who came up with that. Oh, it has to be Justin Goncalves. That's right, Justin. Our most prolific theme song writers

actually started a YouTube channel with his buddy Khaled called... Oh. Sorry. With my buddy called... Let's watch it. Khaled was capitalized. So I assume his name was Khaled.

Yeah, DJ Khaled. DJ Khaled. That was so embarrassing. was capitalized yeah i so i assume his name was collad yeah dj collid dj called that was um so embarrassing yeah you are you're um you're a little bit of like a um what's the word there i suck for that i'm a dickling i'm a loser i'm a dummy and i'm a abuser all right well i wasn't gonna be that hard on you it was just a i had to do it to him one time, didn't you, Blumenfeld? Congrats. Let's not. You're an old piece of shit, and you don't even know how to read. No one said that about you.

No one said you were old. That's not a name, you little bastard. All right. I feel like you're being hard on yourself, so I won't make fun of you. Does that make sense? You're protecting yourself. I'm the weakest link. This is unfair because you ribbing you

makes it so I can't rib you. I have to build you back up. Self-flagellation. Yeah. Wow, the smartest thing you've ever done. Shame. Now I can't make fun of you. Shame.

Because I don't think you actually feel bad, you little shit. Oh oh his name is call it oh that's funny wow k-a-h-l-i-d what are the odds another one what are the tods god what are the tods there's todd firman todd glass i mean what who else is there? Todd Berry. Yeah. I had a science teacher in high school. His first name was Todd. It is funny that as parents, you can name your kid anything, and some people are just like, Todd is great. That's my number one. I can't beat Todd.

Is Todd short for Thaddeus? I don't think it's short for anything. Or Toddy? It's just... Thomas. It's a little Todd is odd. Hot Todd. Yeah, we actually got a lot of... I'm glad that you brought up names because we got a lot of emails having to do with child naming and stuff. A couple people explaining the rules.

A couple people saying that they got the shit end of the stick with their names because their mom was passed out or something and the dad named them. Yeah, yeah. And then a couple... We didn't even finish giving Justin the shout out. All right, fine. Yeah, I'm just saying we are going to have to talk about names again this episode.

Okay. He has a new YouTube channel called Let's Watch It. A new YouTube? You can't fucking talk for shit this episode. Sorry. Sorry. Shame. Shame. They do movie commentaries on horror movies.

Basically, we make jokes and poke fun at the films we watch, and then he edits the best part and makes it a video. Right now, he has 14 subscribes. But he wants to get to 100. The new channel is hard to find. So go to my Insta, thebestyear96, and the link is in the bio. That's not that hard to find. I mean, that's good.

That's a good call to action. I mean, that's good. That's a good call to action. The bestyear96 on Instagram. Go to the bestyear96 on Instagram. Go to the link in the bio. Click on the link. Subscribe to the YouTube channel. It's the least we can do to promote it that heavily because I still am not 100% sure

that we're saying his last name right. Yeah, at this point, we'll never know. And that's sort of part of the bit. It fun to not know right right right right uh all right did you want to get into the name stuff now or is it like more of a no i just wanted to set it up i wanted to set it up it'll be a callback at this point when we bring it up later on in the podcast that's cool yeah all right you sent me questions. Is there one that we should start with? Do you want to read them? You know what?

Truly, I, yeah, sure. I can read them. Oh, wait, no, that's going to be too hard. That's going to be too hard. I'll never be able to find them. You're going to have to read them in no particular order except the order in which they arrived at your inbox, please. Stinky Penis writes Dick Nixon. This guy had a smelly cock. at your inbox, please. Stinky Penis writes Dick Nixon. Josh I've been following y'all since I was 12 And feel like you both have practically raised me Here's the situation

Dads, I'm a 23 year old lady Oh no, I called her Dick Nixon Oh, I thought I thought she called herself that in the beginning How about Lady Bird Lady Bird Johnson That's another penis themed presidential lady name I'm a 23 year old lady

Who's been with my awesome boyfriend for over a year. Everything's fine, but his dick smells bad. I rarely go down on him because his penis always smells like rotten or like he hasn't showered in days, even though he showers every day. I can literally smell his dick

all through the pants sometimes. I'm not sure if this matters, but he's uncut and has given me several bacterial infections, which I've never gotten with cut guys. Shout out to the circumcised boys. We only have circumcised guys listen to this show. Hell yeah. We shower together

and I can literally see him washing his peen very well, but it still emits an odor even after a good wash. How can I bring this up to him without hurting his feelings? Do you guys go through bouts of that stink? D, is it normal for uncut guys? I don't know how much longer I can go on dealing with his stinky weenie. Help. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

That's a conundrum because my first instinct is that he just needs to wash. But she sees him washing, so it is going to require a conversation. If she wants to get to the bottom of it, the amateur sleuthing is not going to cut it here. I think if she brings it up, she has to act like it's a new thing. Like, whoa whoa something is up down there for the first time this is so funny that is that's but here's the here's the counter to that normally i would agree but she doesn't want to go down on him so i feel like there's a little bit of like baked in leverage slash incentive here like oh if she were to say like i don't know if you've

noticed but i haven't been going down on you as much lately and it's because i noticed something myself uh your your penis has an odor that i find um unpleasant my darlingcouth and odious. It's uncouth and uncut. Simply put, it smells like a cheese or a yeast down there. But I think if you hear like, hey, your hair smells, wash it more. You're like, whatever. But if you're like, your dick smells, if you wash it, I'll suck it more often. You're like, I'll, you know, hop to for that so you you bake in the the incentive there yeah but can't you say that too with the whole surprise of so you act surprised like whoa something is up down there if you wash it i will go down on you more or oh i clean it and then it's like he cleans it like i don't know what the hell is going on. I still smell it. This is so bizarre.

So really there's like a middle ground between yours and mine. You pretend like it's something new, but pretend like it's something new right as you're about to blow him. Yeah. So if you're like about to engage in oral stimuli and then you're like, whoa, hold up, up actually this is a bit rank for my taste yes the dealio yeah etc etc how long have you heard have you smelled this this is like within the last two minutes otherwise it's like your entire life i mean for blowjobs aside the fact that she this guy's given her like more than one bacterial infection seems like you the it's important to have that conversation soon yeah it seems like uh sweat turns into stink turns into yeast turns into bacteria

with your yeast i really think this is a yeast a yeezy does it type deal this is a yeasty boy dr blumenfeld on here he can start a little bread situation with the amount of i know i keep saying it but have you tried blowing them with flour in your mouth and see if that makes a loaf? He's a yeasty beast. He's a yeast of the southern mild. I woke up in yeast mode! Nice.

Thank you. Thank you. And I wonder if the uncircumcisedness of it does contribute. I know you're supposed to wash it specifically. I don't know anything about it, but I guess it's possible. I guess it's possible. Anything's possible.

But clearly he needs to, something needs to be addressed. Bring it up. And by the way, just because I'm circumcised doesn't mean I got a small dick. I have a very average sized hog slash johnson actually i can see you don't believe me i know knock it off please here we go please please you're going on instagram live in here they won't even understand this out of context and my god that's a small dick one second jesus christ it's a flesh raisin. Let me show you my balls.

Oh my God, they're huge. Yeah. So you think it evens out? I'd be like net neutral is average. Also on 5'11". My cock is normal because my dick is small, but my balls are huge. Yeah. So the median, the mean is the meat of my sack.

And the mode is my chode. Check out the mode is my chode at store.headgum.com, folks. It's selling next to general cleanliness. Would you sacrifice dick length for height? Hmm. So you shave a little bit off the ween and you get to add it to your total height. So I could be 6'4 and have a 12-inch dick?

Yeah, sure. Nice. You like that? i actually have a 14 dick too yeah but what's the fucking girth would you sacrifice girth for height that's the real question i'll sacrifice girth for earth. So I want a thin dick, but my fertilizer works fine. We're really the worst. We're the worst. We are the worst. How about this question?

Not necessarily you, but if you're a six foot inch male and a six inches foot six inches dick six foot tall right you sacrificing an inch for an inch no i don't want i wouldn't want to go below six not below six you would go oh yeah below six yeah below yeah you i will that just that just tipped that you're at your answer you'll do anything to be tall you'll a one-inch cock if it means you're six foot two. I'm six four and I have a one-inch clit. Please go to the next question. I'm begging you, man. The next question starts.

I'm six four with a one-inch clit. No. Honestly, now I'm just like remembering that i one of the questions that i found is very much about penis size maybe we should just skip to that one or should we keep them separated let's fucking keep it going you're talking about penis shaming yeah that's the one is this from a dude or a dudette this is from a dudette who she wrote she screenshotted a bunch of texts from uhumble or Hinge or whatever she's on. Hinge, it looks like.

Okay. So read the question and then you and I will interact. We'll, yeah, we'll interact this, we'll role play the texts. All right. This lady who we'll call Michelle Obama writes. No, we can't. Can we please not bring the first lady into this? Abigail Adams writes,

I was messaging on Tinder the other day and had the most bizarre exchange. I can't work out what this guy's angle was. If he was joking then I don't understand why the conversation died. The only thing is, the only thing I can think is that he wanted me to shame him. I don't know. What do you guys

think? It's not the best at me to shame him. I don't know. What do you guys think? It's, uh, it's not the best at this kind of humor. I'm not the best at this kind of humor when I'm trying to be flirty. Uh, okay. And what's the order of operations? Hello, fellow ginger is the first. Yeah. So you want to be the guy and I'll be the girl. Okay. All right. So Amir is playing the part of the man. Yeah. And you are the female person who wrote it. I'm Abigail Adams, yeah. Hey, fellow ginger. Ha, would it offend you to know I'm just a poser?

Oh, no. I was hoping for a ginger bush. And then... I'm serious. I want your pussy to be red. You're ad-libbing. This is it. You have to give people an accurate representation of the conversation.

All right. He did say the Ginger Bush line. She responds. Yeah. He said Ginger Bush. She responds. Ha. Well, I mean, I'm a capable merkin maker if color is your only issue.

And then with a bunch of laughing emojis. Yeah. I don't care the color of your... The guy says, I don't care the color of your bush or if it's massive or bald. Ha! I mean, it's always good to establish that information right from the start. Laughing emoji. Oh, I completely agree. Well, my beard is going to spend time down there. Good to know.

I think you mean if, uh, winky face emoji. But also, for the sake of equality, I too have no real preference. With pubic hair? Yes, with male grooming. I'd trim it, cut the grass, and it makes the trees look bigger. Kissy emoji. Haha, needing to resort to optical illusions, eh? Unfortunately so, smiling, crying, laughter emojis. Haha, well, that casual lunchtime Tinder browse

took an unexpected turn, but back to work now. Straight line face, unemotional. You met a guy with a small cock. With a small cock, LOL. Haha. I mean, being willing to make fun of yourself is a pretty attractive quality. Besides, size is not on my list of priorities. Laugh crying emoji. I'm sure you'll love my four inches. Ah ha ha ha.

What size do you normally like? What makes you think I have a normal? Would she... Jesus, this guy is so bad would you buy a four inch dildo smiling crap crying laughing face and then she finishes dildos are for fucking other people imo my fingers do me just fine if i'm flying solo and then he doesn't respond. That is the end of the conversation. So this guy just keeps bringing up her pubic hair, his small dick, and then he leaves. And she is curious if she blew it.

That is the craziest thing I've ever heard. I know that the dating apps are supposed to be i've heard this stuff before that guys are like this and they're bad but like jesus christ this this should just be like instantly reported behavior this should be instantly screenshotted and posted on instagram or something like we've got to eradicate that. That's insane. This guy is peak IDGAF. I mean, he is just trolling, making jokes about a small dick, ghosting her, talking about her pubic hair color right off the bat. Yeah, usually you at least like build up to that, right? Like, if you're gonna be like a crass weirdo, You kind of just like, the hook didn't sink in.

Instantly, he said, I'm looking for a ginger bush. I think this guy's not taking the app very seriously. So you think he's just, he's purely joking? Yeah, he's like drunk and or trolling. I think I would agree. I don't think this is in complete earnest.

That said, I don't think it's even complete earnest that said i don't think it's even nice fun in time i don't even think it's i don't think it's good comic relief and i believe he should be blocked and i believe abby can do better i'll i'll recommend a blockage as well that's it block that hinge block that hinge. I do really love interacting hinge messages. So people should send us more screenshots. That's a fun old time for me. Send us the shots. I kind of miss the random conversations part of dating apps.

I wish there was just a random conversations app. But I guess that's flirting and cheating. Every, I mean, every app turns into a dating app as soon as you have like, as soon as you have conversations. I'll just start a TikTok instead. That'll be a better use of my time. Have you been thinking about starting a TikTok? Yeah. Oh, I've been thinking about just getting it and seeing what the hell's on there. Cause I see like the best of the best on Instagram and Twitter. Makes me wonder what's like, what's really going on on TikTok. And yeah, if I should have a funny dance, I might as well upload it.

I just, I'll eat my words. I'm sure I'll have, I'll get a TikTok the same way I got a Snapchat. But I just don't want to. I want this, I want this one to peter out. I think that'd be nice. The world has enough. It'll be late in the game. Yeah.

You're the first to leave. I hope so. All right, let's take a break. We'll come back and answer some more questions after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

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written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

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dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we're back jake do you have any mom i'm coming! Gross. Yeah! You know what? I do, and so do you, man. So do you. What is it?

It's, uh, everyone should be subscribing to the new HeadGum original shows that we launched. Hell yeah. We launched six brand new podcasts. That's right. And you can subscribe to all of them now. I believe some of them even have episodes out already. Yeah, this is a renaissance. For the first time probably since we started HeadGum,

we were launching more than one or two shows at once. Six new shows plus a new logo. That's right. Oh, yeah, we rebranded. We are launching new shows. I mean, I'm super excited about all of these shows too uh yeah let's should we run down some of them let's do it dead eyes number one oh yes this is a new york show very near and dear to my heart connor ratliff was fired from the uh from the

hbo mini series band of Brothers by Tom Hanks on account of the fact that he had, quote, dead eyes. Which is actually true. Yes, this is a real thing. It really happened to him. So that podcast is like investigative. It's basically serial except for something petty. But it's amazingly produced.

It's so awesome uh i just listened to the second episode which is dropping this week and it's got john ham in it there's fucking draper telling acting stories it's amazing we got inside voices which is kevin porter a longtime head gum host and he's talking to podcasters about how they started their show and then cultivating the voice part of the show, like asking why do you think they talk the way they talk and how their origin stories in that regard. I can't believe he hasn't interviewed us.

I don't know if he's heard the bit about changing dick size for height, but I feel like that's really quintessential you and I, and that deserves he did a platform he did interview me for one of his early episodes oh um oh just want to talk about my voice and my origin story at the beginning of our podcast so cool okay well at least i was involved in some fashion i can't wait to listen to it fuck uh jacob wiseaki another friend of ours this one is like one of the most insane ideas pitched us a podcast wherein he watches fight club non-stop for 72 hours yeah uh and it sort of just chronicles his slow descent into madness insanity he doesn't sleep he watches fight club back to

back to back to back for three days yeah i have a phone call with him at some point i think on like the 36th hour or something i've been watching i was like at home with my family he's like why did you let me do this he's mad at I Don't Want to Talk About Fight Club Anymore. Yes, it's called I Don't Want to Talk About Fight Club Anymore. Review Review, hosted by our friends and family, Riley and Jeffrey. Yes. After years of begging, they finally started a show. We settled on an idea that they knock out of the park,

which was them reading reviews like on Yelp or Google and then sort of improv acting out the scene that led to that review. Yeah. Honestly, it's a real, as soon as you start thinking about like the just the never ending source material that is out there,

it's a really exciting show to imagine because like you look, Yelp, TripAdvisor, like everything has either a really funny one-star review or a really amazing five-star review, you know? Yeah, each one tells a story and they're so funny at reenacting the things that led to that review. Right, everybody knows that Jeff and Riley are funny, right? You guys like them already.

We've got newcomers, Lauren Lapkus making her HeadGum podcast host debut, which is very fun. And Nicole Byer are re-watching, or sorry, watching for the first time every single Star Wars movie. Yeah. They keep hearing about Star Wars because it's everywhere. They grew up not watching any of it. And so they're watching it together for the first time. Some of the episodes are watch-alongs. Some of them are just discussing Star Wars with their, you know, funny friends that grew up loving it. The watch-alongs are amazing. I'm going to watch Star Wars, like, along with them. It's synced to the movie. So it's like mystery science theater. It's great.

Yeah, two very funny hosts and awesome guests and a cool idea. I'm excited to listen to all of Star Wars as someone who also hasn't watched all of Star Wars. Right. And I guess that's it, right? Well, there's one more new original show, which is yours. Oh, yeah. I guess you weren't going to say anything unless I fucking made you. That's right.

I have a new podcast. This is podcast Numero Trace for Zaddy. Is that right? That's right. It's you and Micah. It's me and Micah. It's called The Goat Show. And we are on a mission to find the greatest everything of all time.

It's a product review show. So, for example, what's the first step? The first episode, which drops this coming, I think it's Wednesday or Thursday, is the Go White T-shirts. We tried 20 different white tees, and we found the best one. We judged them on the fit, the the feel and the future of the fit

and the feel that's the shirt's longevity uh and you take you guys take it very seriously this is honest it's barely a comedy podcast it's really it's an hour of me and my brother discussing white t-shirts and why we like them uh but you should check it out you can watch you can listen to the minute-long trailer and subscribe to that show right now it's called yeah all six of these shows all six of these shows are on headgum.com uh you can listen to the minute-long trailer and subscribe to that show right now it's called yeah all six of these shows all six of these shows are on headgum.com uh you can listen to all the trailers there's some episodes already on for some of these shows and you can help us out by subscribing or reviewing to the show wherever you listen to your podcast yes exactly subscribing and rating and reviewing even if you didn't have time to listen to the episode yet, just saying it's great helps us beat all of our fucking rivals.

So please do it. Thank you. It makes sense that you guys would also love at least one of these shows, if not two to six of them. Yeah. I mean, Jesus, I would say at least half, right? They're all in our wheelhouse. So check them out. The new HeadGum original shows.

It's a good unsolicited advice. The very last, go to headgum.com. You could check out the new branding and then you can decide if you want to listen to the pods. Okay. I do like the new logo, how it looks on the website. Yeah, it looks really great. How's your foot?

You know, she's recovering. This is one month out exactly to the day did you know that this is it really so it's the 20 it's the 24th yeah that's right um on on tuesday so the day after this episode comes out tomorrow if you're listening on monday i get to wear a shoe wow they're putting me back in a shoe folks so the boot is still there as support moral support muscle support bone support i guess it's like it helps me from like making my you know putting too much pressure on the toe but the doctor i'm doing these exercises that's like giving my toe flexibility back because it's kind of it was stiff from its time in the it like when

when i wasn't moving it um but i'm putting like full weight on the boot uh i was also sort of like scooting along like limping on putting all of my pressure on my heel uh and now for the last week i've been just walking like it's a regular old thing still in the boot huge but walking is my god what a joy what another joy so you sort of forget you really do and i god i can't wait to wear a shoe i've started going to the gym this week too whoa how well since i can walk i'm just i walk in in the boot i mostly do stretching and then like some pull-ups just like really easy body weight stuff just to get used to being active again but i'm like i'm so excited to to start doing shit oh my god are you

gonna miss your boot i i guess i'll miss the boot and i'll miss not being able to shower. But aside from that, I'll be sad that my, oh man, I'll be sad when my foot isn't dry anymore. Dry and disgusting. This is, my foot is so fucking nasty. You want to see it? Yeah, sure.

So this is because you haven't gotten it wet in a month, right? Oh, wow. That is a crackly, scabby, scaly, crusty, thick, red foot. Yeah. It's thick.

It's thick. It's red. It is. It feels like it's falling apart. It feels like I could just snap part of it off. So that's what would happen. But the swelling is, what's that? That's what would happen if you never washed your foot.

Yeah. Yeah. That is what happens when you never wash your foot. Wait, you still can't get it wet? No, I can get it wet. But I mean, I still haven't like, the cut is kind of, the cut's still a little, I don't know, it's tender. I'm not scrubbing the foot. I've not scrubbed it.

I've gotten it wet. I haven't soaked it. I haven't givenbing the foot. I've not scrubbed it. I've gotten it wet. I haven't soaked it. I haven't given it a soak. Actually, it probably could, if I'm being perfectly honest, it probably could and should put some lotion on her. The doctor didn't say anything about not putting lotion on it. I think I've just been not touching it, just like leaving it completely alone, waiting for the stuff inside to heal. It's the stinky penis of feet. That's right. It really is. Especially because I basically got circumcised. They cut the skin

around my big toe. How weird is it going to feel to put a shoe on that? Oh my God. It'll feel so good. I've been at uh different kind of like maximum support shoes i'm getting really excited yeah i think new balance is good with like really wide yes gotta get some good widths also there's a this brand called hoka hoka one one like maximalist running shoes i try to maximalist i try to pair on uh today on uh on today at the running store, but only on my right foot. That's cool. Felt good.

Felt really nice. All right, what is this sonogram I'm looking at? You sent me a picture of a prenatal fetus. That's right. If all the new parents out there stayed through all of our cock talk and then all through all of our cock talk yeah and then all all through all of our new show promo they are being rewarded because we got a lot of people asking for baby names

this one in particular uh came with the sonogram which is why i want to answer it this is based on last week's question which was about baby naming and we were inquiring how do you name a baby and like how do you like what's the official system there what if you just leave the hospital without naming the baby and then i think i also mentioned that i wanted to start naming babies yeah which i feel like this is a response to talk to a buddy of mine turns out you cannot leave the hospital until you give the baby a name that's how they get you wow all right you gotta sign the baby a name. That's how they get you. Wow. All right. You got to sign the baby out. That'll do it.

That'll definitely do it. Okay. We got a long-time listeners from Durham, North Carolina and got a baby for us to name. See the attached photographic evidence of little baby Madsen. You can say it on air. You got to know the last name to know how the first name will sound with it. Okay. Last name Madsen. Wow. Very, very nice nice very trusting thank you gender tbd the due date is july 27th and we'll

find out the gender or the sex on march 3rd so you've got time but i guess for now we'll call them chimp love seeing you guys when you come through the triangle bring nadpod to north carolina hoorah love that Would love to do that. This is a cute little baby in here, in this sonogram. That's right. It's from the Duke Fetal Diagnostic Center. Last name,

say their hospital. Anyone will be able to find this baby. Well, Madsen makes me think of Laker great Mark Madsen, which makes me think of the nice alliteration of the MM. And I love the way an MM would look and sound. It rolls off the tongue. Alliteration is a fun thing to do with a name.

Yeah. What do you think of Marty? Marty Madsen? I hate it. No. Martin Madsen, maybe. Marty Madsen. Because Marty can be both guy or girl that's true but i think

um you know no disrespect to marty michael but the name that name's a joke um michael disrespect yeah it's no i don't know yeah you're saying it in a very blunt and obviously disrespectful way no i'm saying like, no, the name is a joke. I don't have any, I'm, I just, I don't mean any like offense by it.

No offense. Just like no offense. He's obviously, you can say no offense. He's going to be offended by that. You're sort of, I'm just saying, I'm just,

no, I'm saying the name is bad. I think he's a fine guy. The name sucks. The name's obvious. Marty is obviously a fucking fine guy. guy is not even that good either. I don't like him personally. His personality is, I mean, he's greedy.

He's mean. He's dumb. We're talking about naming a baby, and you're just throwing Marty under the bus because I suggested the name Marty. Bus is a cool name. What? Bus Madsen?

The bus? No, it's not. Well, what if his real name is Marty Madsen and he's called The Bus? I'm afraid, what if he doesn't weigh 300 pounds? You're going to call someone that looks like me The Bus? That'd be funny. Alright, so we like M.

I do like M. You don't want it to end with an M. Or an N. Mary Madsen? What about Mary Madsen? Now I'm coming around on the Y ending. Marie Madsen. I don't want i mary madsen what about mary madsen now i'm coming around on the on the y ending marie madsen i don't want i don't like a marie i mary madsen is good yeah mary madsen marty madsen uh matthias oh what about matthias i always like a name that like you can make normal if you need it to uh and by normal i just mean uh ubiquitous in america

but maddie you know or maddie or matt but the real name is matthias like micah my brother has that name sort of you know like oh my god he's pretty good for oh yeah michael madsen but like you can go around being like i'm mike or i'm mikey if you'd rather have like a more standard cookie cutter name but then you can always at the just like Aragorn when he's like I'm actually the king you know you're like uh I'm actually Matthias I'm Matthias Madsen that's good I have a bad name for you okay T-H-I-M Thim? I don't hate it. I'm Thim Madsen. I hate it. It sounds like you have a lisp

and you have a bad name. Thim Madsen. I'm Thim Madsen. It's hard with the M that starts with an M. You don't want to do that either. It's bad across the board. Hey, I'm Thim. Short for Thimble. Yeah, Thimble? you don't want to do that either. It's bad across the board. Hey, I'm Thim. Short for Thimble.

Yeah, Thimble? I don't like that. Because I fit in a teacup. So this person's like one inch tall. Frit! What about Frit Madsen? What? Frit.

Frit Madsen. Frit. How do you spell that? F-R-I-T. Frit. Obviously bad. Frit How do you spell that? F-R-I-T Frit Obviously bad Frit I think I'm going with Micah

Micah Madison I feel like we've given the name Micah out before Micah's a great name I'll say it I'll admit it And it's good for a lady too Oh yeah Micah does work for a lady We could go Micah

I feel like we're not I feel like this is a human life And we haven't given it enough enough time so let's m y k the rest of the show mckayla mac oh mac madsen is pretty cool m a c m a m a m a c k mac m a q u mark markay marquesa matt all right my final answer micah madsen okay fine i also like the name melody because that's kind of nice it rolls off the tongue and it means like uh you know a melody that's nice melody madsen right it's kind of cool um marnie madsen ma Maven Madsen. Don't discount them. Or Frit. Yeah.

All right, cool. Okay. That'll do it. Okay, one last question. What's that? One last question. All right, yeah. Another lady.

I think these have all been ladies. Wow, good for me. Another first lady's name Micah Mary Lincoln four years ago I was dating a guy who was very manipulative and emotionally abusive he cheated on me several times but it always somehow

ended up being my fault he cheated on me with one of his friends and when I told him I'd be willing to take him back and work on things between us if he broke ties with her he refused. So that day I decided finally to end our toxic ass relationship. Here's my problem. Ever since I ended that day, I have social media stalked the girl he cheated on me with.

It's been four years and somehow I'm stuck on this girl. I'm in a happy, love-filled relationship now. I would never get back with that guy, but I can't help but look on the girl that he cheated on me with the girl he's still with and will soon marry i guess maybe a part of me is still wondering what she had that i didn't i don't know how do i stop am i stuck in the past and if so how do i move forward with it what's wrong with me and i can't seem to stop looking her up thanks for your help love Mary. This rang true to me. Not that I specific this is like exactly happened, but like it is sometimes hard to get people out of your head. Even like weird, like, you know, tertiary people in your life, like friends of friends that you had some kind of interaction with that you're like, I wonder what they're doing. Yeah.

Well, it's really easy to pound that, um, unfollow button. Yeah. But you can still, there's not a way to like hide them. Like she can,

if this person has a, uh, public profile, she can just like unfollow mute. But then she's like, can't get it out of her head. She looks, you know, here's a question that's come up a bunch recently in my, um, sphere

of conversations. You're with someone you love. They cheat on you. Is it better or worse if then they go off and marry that person? Like, would you rather it be a one-off or would it be like, at least now they're like soulmates and they actually belong together i think i'd rather if oh i would rather they ended up together i guess or ended up separately and unhappy yeah i guess i don't care as long as they're unhappy the adult mature thing is like yeah i hope they end up happy together and it's like they'd belong together and i was just a

footnote in their you know prehistory but then the the dickling in me is like no yeah, I hope they end up happy together. And it's like, they'd belong together. And I was just a footnote in their prehistory. But then the dickling in me is like, no, I want it to be a mistake that ends up ruining the other person's life. You cheated on me with this person. Now you guys don't even like each other that much. Yeah. I mean, I think that the thing is

people have a tendency to end up everything. Unless you're really unfortunate, I feel like you can always look back and be like you know what that ended up being for the best so even if you cheat on someone if you cheat on someone you break up and then you end up with the person it's like a little more obvious like you know what that was for the best but if you don't end up with the person that you cheated on them with you'll end up with somebody else and And you'll be like, you know, there were two footnotes to get here. The idea that you end up where you're supposed to be, I think, is pretty strong. So, like, whether it's with somebody that you cheated on someone with or the next person after that or after that, it's all part of the story. So how do you stop licking this person up

other than smashing that unfollow button? Yeah, that's, I don't know how you stop. You could, if you want to, no, I don't think she should actually like talk to her. That's weird. I guess she has to hurt her. What? In a way that looks like an accident.

Knock it off. You can share this with your husband. I'm actually pretty down to see if I can help. Or a therapist or a friend. Maybe it just helps to talk about it. It just helps to talk about it. Not necessarily kill her, but like nudge her with a car to scare her could hurt. You don't want to do that.

You don't want to do that. I'll nudge her for 50 bucks. We shouldn't have done one more question. I knew it was a mistake. Email me. I'll nudge her for 50 bucks we shouldn't have done one more question i knew it was a mistake email me i'll nudge her she already did email you she asked for your help i'm blind you really are fucking blind for that oh my god my tongue is swelling thinking about nothing or with my freaking Mazda. You're having a seizure and a stroke or something.

Alright, I'm back. Alright, cool. I was gonna let you die. Alright, thanks for writing in. Thanks for submitting your theme songs, Justin. This closing one is a ballad of the Game Boy. Wow. What? See who wrote this one. I love that. The three of us started

watching Jake and Amir in high school, and we've graduated college to become huge fans of the podcast and HeadGum in general. We got a chance to see you guys in New York, and they did a front row cheers with a whiskey on stage, and they made this theme song, which is the Game Boy joined a metal band or something. Hell yeah.

So this is the Nicholas Payne, Brian Payne, Emiliano Carrillo, and Anthony Penis Hudson. Yes! Making the Game Boy joined a metal band ballad. So thanks to you guys, and thanks

to everybody for listening. Thanks for checking out those other shows. Let us know what you think. And we'll be back next week. Peace. Bye, everybody. Do you happen to live with the Game Boy? It just takes a minute to find him. I go into a blackness, a deep hole

where I feel neither space nor time. Oh, oh, oh, oh, I have been sung. Oh, oh, oh, he has been sung. Oh, oh, oh. He has been lonely. He's here. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, no better feeling exists. That's what I orgasm the most. And the word is... That was a HeadGum Podcast.