Segments - 42: Paranoid

Episode Date: December 2, 2013

In this episode we discuss fianc�s, fugliness, and foreskins. This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! bit.ly/1fNA7ul . Discover new music, upload your music, make money, and win a trip to Bonnaroo, all in one magical website... See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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actual and real. Enjoy the show, everyone. I've never killed myself in a Starbucks I got a handy on a bus But I'm married And I'm not proud of my Tinder matches They're not hashtagged, oh More like hashtag, no But if I listen to Jake and Amir every Monday I will finally get enough courage to go

Seize that cheese Without visible STDs I'm unstoppable If I fail I'll just YouTube that shit Snapchat my girl a Batman But shit that's porn That was the right link I could've sworn If I were you

I would listen to these boys That tell you how to wax your feet And never to go zero to D If I were you Listen up and never roam Just send an email If I were you, show at would you know that I'd come? So good.

So good. That sounded a lot like that Royal song, actually. No, I think it was original, though. What? It was an original song. The words are definitely different than the Royal song. So that makes it... Legal.

That way we can air it. Parody. Sir, your honor. We can air it parody sir your honor it's a it's we can air it because it's because the words are different and because laura herself doesn't listen to the podcast yet yeah in three years when she's like uh homeless for some reason again dreaming of royals who's gonna listen to this podcast and be like wait a minute they made money off my song we but we didn't that's what well that's good that's gonna be our case to the judge your honor yeah your honor anyway that was sky and megan sky and megan yeah ta-da rabah and uh yeah this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm amir and i'm jake um new location yet again

we're back in your basement in brooklyn and this is this this this podcast is like a oral history of our ridiculous uh november oh actually it's technically december we're recording this sunday at 11 15 p.m it's supposed to, this episode's supposed to go up at midnight. It's not going to happen. We're cutting it that close. This is borderline a live stream. Right. Wow.

Shit. This is definitely the closest we've ever, ever, ever gone from recording to posting. Yeah. Yeah. Well, hopefully it doesn't come back to bite us in the butt. It should be the same, right? It doesn't matter. Yeah, I think we still do the same thing.

I mean, definitely, I've never recorded this podcast feeling more depressed than i do right now is that true you felt pretty low uh yeah i guess the weekend after my birthday i was really depressed i want to get to your nervous breakdown as a break fodder oh yeah yeah i'll save it i'll save it for the break that's good it incentivizes people to listen why did jake have a nervous breakdown why did he at one point just let's tease a single moment you outside of my house screaming into the palm of your hands trying to contain this rage that you just couldn't keep bottled up so that's where we start let's let's rewind and explain what this show's about basically this is an advice podcast people find themselves in difficult places they email us at if i were you

show at gmail.com we come through all the emails and decide on four questions or five questions to answer over the course of the episode and we do our best to advise these people out of their predicaments sometimes we do it well and sometimes we do it poorly but hopefully it's entertaining nonetheless yeah that's about right yeah that's a quick that's a quick way to say it this is i feel like uh i uh would write into our podcast as a person right now oh okay good oh because you're in a difficult place a life conundrum but let's save it for the break let's go into but yours isn't specific yours yours is not a specific problem in an otherwise good life your life is just a series of shambles yeah where do you even begin to fix a broken plate let's see yeah this is you answering my

question yeah this is great thank you this is how this is this how it feels is that how it fucking feels no wonder people love it um all right. All right, let's go right into it, huh? Why waste any time? Yeah, well, you're wasting time right now. No, I'm not. You're saying, like, why waste time as you're, like, searching through your email, I think. Yeah, why waste time at all? Okay, got it.

Ready? Yes. What should we call this person? It's a lady. Frau Farbissina. Frau Farbissina. That's a fake name to a real email real person real problem pseudonym to preserve anonymity ready yes question number one hey guys

last weekend i went to my friend's engagement party it was really nice since i have been a pretty solid third wheel from the start even in the speech i made a note of the fact that i've heard them have sex more times than i've had sex. However, we went back to their place. The heating was off, and it is Scotland, so it was pretty damn cold. The couple insisted on me sharing the bed with them, and being drunk and tired, I agreed. However, during the night, I was shivering, and the man put his arm around me to keep me warm. Soon afterwards, he was full on spooning me. And I was trying to keep his hands in appropriate places while trying to avoid the boner he was pushing into me and trying to be polite.

When it got to the point when he was trying to pull my hips into him and I said I was going to sleep on the sofa, he told me not to tell the girl because it would make her, quote, paranoid. I don't know what to do from here. I feel like I should tell the girl, but she has gone through a really difficult time, and this guy made her really happy. However, they're really young, 17,

so she would be able to fall in love again, too. I really don't want to start something, but since then, I don't want to spend too much time with them. Am I overreacting? Any advice would be great. Many toedahs. Frow. Frow, you're underreacting.

You are drastically and severely underreacting right now. You're underselling the situation. Yes. You were borderline molested. Not borderline. You were molested by your friend's fiancé who's 17. Yeah, first of all, one piece of advice. I think even if you were just like, hey, my friends are getting married. They's 17. First of all, one piece of advice. I think even if you were just like, hey, my friends are getting married.

They're 17. I'd be like, yeah, stop right there. Bad idea. Right off the bat. Don't get married at 17. That's a little cray cray. Especially to someone who, quote, spooned and then tried to pull his hips into you and you felt his boner.

A boner. Why were you trying to be polite is what i'm wondering so he's groping you rubbing your body ways that you don't want and uh he's your also your your friend's fiance and you are just politely trying to keep his hands in appropriate places yeah that's right he said scream murder when that is happening she said he told me not to tell the girls because it would make her, quote, paranoid. No, no, paranoia seems like he's underselling it, which paranoia is like delusional afraidness. Paranoia is like a fear of something that's not real. Yeah, this would be a very substantiated actual fear.

Right. I'm afraid that would make her aware. I'm afraid that would out me as a cheatsmith. A cheatsman of sorts. Don't tell her for fear that she becomes aware of me being an asshole. I'm afraid she'll become so paranoid she'll suspect that I'm doing what I am doing, which is pulling my boner into my fiance's friend while she's in the bed. Yeah, while she's in the bed.

But she does say this is Scotland. Is that an excuse? Does this happen in Scotland? I've never been there, but I'd like to go. I'd like to be a fiance in Scotland right now.

I would like to be spooned, to be perfectly honest. In Scotland. By this paranoid bitch's stallion husband. The Scotsman. The Scots scotsman this scotsman stud scotsman stud with his with his boner of steel and his roaming hands he's uh he's a hero he's the hero scotland deserves he's a regular braveheart i really think he's braveheart for this of course we kidding. He should have his penis amputated.

He deserves to be punched in the throat for this. His penis is actually half painted blue, half regular, just like Braveheart's face. They can take my life, but they can never take my free cum. Oh, we still got it. We are in fuego today. I do think here's what you should do. I think you should tell your friend what happened. I think you should tell the boyfriend.

Actually, you know what? Don't tell him. He deserves nothing. Tell your friend what happened. See how she wants to deal with it. See how she wants to play it. I'd hate to make her paranoid, though. Yeah, that's the thing.

I don't want to make her paranoid. I don't want her to think aliens are out there or something like that. Also, she's like, I don't want to tell her because she's been through a hard time. Well, this wouldn't make it a harder time if you just let her marry a dickhead who literally shoved his dick's head into you. In bed. In his dick's bed. Yeah, I think this is like, there's no, she's got to go through another bad thing. It's either this hard truth or a harder lie.

But she is 17. She shouldn't be engaged at this age, I think. You might want to vet someone past their teenage years to see if they're an actual good person. Well, no, I've been with him since we were 16, so I really feel like I know him. How different are you now than when you were 17? I'm a different human. Why would somebody hitch their wagon to someone who's still changing?

Yeah. People don't even look the same at age 17 than they do at 27, 37, 47. Right, yeah, of course. You want to wait until the cookie is fully baked before eating it. That is, I can't tell if that's beautiful. I think it's profound. But I also think you're just talking about cookies.

I think you might just be hungry. I think you accidentally just thought about cookies. The oven just dinged. All right, now I know you were talking about cookies. Okay, now let's talk about this person. I just feel like he's not a good guy. He's a bad guy. There's no reason to get married at 17. I advise most 17-year-olds to break up. Yeah, let alone not get married. Be single.

Finish cooking. Yeah. You haven't figured out who you are either yet. Yeah, well, she's not even asking for herself. We're trying to get real, real lofty right now. She's like, my girlfriend's boyfriend or whatever put his dick on my butt. What do I do? We're like, all right, examine yourself.

Look in the mirror. Are you who you want to be? If you're 17, you're not who you will be yet. Yeah. You are not you yet. You are a teenager. You are a half-formed, greasy mutant. I don't think you should talk down to the vast majority of our audience.

Absolutely there. But I will say, you're right. They're not done forming. But things are happening when you're 17 that are going to make a foundation for who you become. Yeah, and it's failed relationships that help do that totally so the guy that like this right now that what's happening for her is a test your good friend's boyfriend made a move on you what do you do because like this is going to shape the way you view relationships when you're older he failed the test but you don't have to damn right

you're a cookie all right you're a freaking brownie it was perfect and now we're yeah we're getting past the perfect game here you're whipped cream yep it's like you're in the 11th inning hitting batters and i'm nuts all right all right next question yes let's do it let's do. We need a dude's name. Do you have a dude? Oh, we'll call this guy Austin Powers. Yeah. That was easy, right?

Yeah. You needed me. The titular character, actually. Of course. He's a titular for this. Question number two. Austin writes, yeah, baby, yeah. Oh, very toad-out.

No, he didn't actually say that. He did not. I shagged her, baby. I shagged her rotten, yeah. Alright, this is what this person actually wrote in. I've got a problem with my penis. The frickin' foreskin is attached to the head,

and I can't pull it back. Yeah. My wing still works. Ask my smoke show of a girlfriend about that. But I'm worried about what other chicks are gonna think about it. I ran a quick Google searcheroo on stuff like this, and it's not all that rare of a problem. All it takes is a little quick trip to the surgery and a little snip on the attached area. I think I want to do it.

The only problem is, I'm going to have to talk to my parents about it, and it seems like the kind of convo I don't want to have. I wish there was some kind of way to fix my dick while keeping it just between me and the GF. I should have looked up a picture of this, but I guess it doesn't matter. But I didn't want to see a dick. No, I don't mind about that. He's not asking how to fix it. So we can understand there's this type of dilemma. Which is more than just an uncircumcised penis?

Right. You think this is like beyond that? I guess. So he has foreskin. It just doesn't peel back from the head. It doesn't matter what the problem is. No, let's get there. The issue is, should he be too ashamed to talk to his parents about this problem that he's having in order to have surgery?

Is there another way around it? I mean, if you need surgery, I think he has to tell your parents. If you're young enough to not be able to afford your own health insurance slash surgery, then you should talk to your parents about any medical problem. I wonder if he can just go to the doctor. If he can go to the doctor and have the conversation with his doctor and then have the doctor have a conversation with his parents. He doesn't necessarily have to be like, mom, dad, I want to go to the doctor so he can look at my penis because there's this thing wrong with it or this thing that I, you know, perceive to be cosmetically wrong with it. Maybe he goes to the doctor and the doctor is like, oh, yeah, it's like unhealthy because, you know, bacteria can get in there and you have to be able to wash your whole penis. I mean, the foreskin is supposed to peel.

I don't want to talk to my parents about it. I'd rather just live my life as a weird penile guy than ever talk to my mom about my own dick. Right now, your mom doesn't know you have a dick. I'd really hate for her to find out. Yeah. It's okay. Your mom, you sucked on your mom's tit. Yeah, like last week, dude.

I swear to God, you fucking got to sloppy second with your mom. Zero through one and a half, you were licking her tit. Not to mention, buddy, on the day you were born half you were licking her tit not to mention buddy on the day you were born you were full-on insider dick and balls yeah your head you were you were face deep in your mom's muff your your mom's clit just scraped against your face as the doctor pulled you out of her pussy okay so i assure you it's okay you get that you fucked your mom for nine months right i don't know like when a dick is formed but uh it was in your mom pal and that is fucking foul that's disgusting she also probably bathed and cleaned that dick that you don't want to talk to her about for about four

years rubbing your dick yeah yeah just like there was probably like poop smeared on your balls as like an infant your mom's wiping it with a sponge or whatever the fuck so let's say this guy's 16 11 to 16 years ago your mom was just cleaning that dick yeah so you don't have to worry about talking to her about a little problem that you're having trust me she's okay with it at this point no one should have any shame in front of their parents my parents have seen me at the my most vulnerable the worst ever you know can you imagine him just being like um so mom i have this problem um my foreskin is still and then the mom's like ew oh my god i can't believe you brought this up earmuffs earmuffs austin you fucking psycho i'm your mom tmi austin don't bring that shit in here yeah i i think it's i mean it's like ripping off a Band-Aid.

I know you don't want to talk to your mom about your peen, but you just got to mention it. Just be like, hey, I want this done. It's, I don't know. Or, wait a minute. It is like ripping off a Band-Aid. Oh, just pull back. Have you thought about, yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

Just with your thumb and index finger. Just hold on to one end really tightly and snugly. Sort of give it a little shake like you're washing out a sheet. Oh, wait a second. That worked. And then rip it. Yeah. Rip it off like a bandaid.

Ouch. And, oh, we're good. No uncomfortable convo with my mom, actually. At least my smoke show over her girlfriend doesn't care. He doesn't really have a smoke show of her girlfriend, right? Hey, my penis is all fucked up, but it's cool. Ask my fucking hot-ass girlfriend. I'm just worried about future hot girlfriends that I'll have that might care about it more than my current hot girlfriend does.

Keep in mind, she is hot. She is my girlfriend. She doesn't care. But I'm just worried about other hot girlfriends that i'll get because i'm not just jerking off to a picture in a magazine of natalie portman okay no no no no she is i assure you she is a smoke show i mean why wouldn't she why wouldn't she why wouldn't she be uh why wouldn't she be into me so the advice is talk to your mom tell her that you have a weird penis whatever you do don't talk to your dad about it he will smack that foreskin right off of you oh yeah no son of mine's gonna have a problem with

his penis that's a that's a that that reflects poorly on the father actually yes in fact austin i'm really disappointed that you brought this up how do you think this makes me feel as your father i i personally austin here look at my dick i'll show you what it was supposed to look like. Here, yeah, yeah, shit it. Oh, God. Poor skin that it completely envelops the entire thing. Yeah. Yeah, it's like a stocking. Jesus Christ. Uh-huh.

Yeah. It's so loose. I'm a monster. I really am, Austin. It covers the entire butt. It looks like you're wearing a beige-colored tighty-whity. And I wish I was. That's just awful.

I'd love to take it off austin your old man is a uh i fucked a beige sock and it never came off and you know what i i was too afraid to talk to my parents about it it grew it grew it grew and now look at where i am it looks like i got an elephant trunk but i swear to god my dick is a peanut at the top of this long skin shaft long skin shaft all Long skin shaft. All right. That's more than enough, actually. You're disgusting me.

Jesus. Nah, just kidding. You're cool. You're cool. You're good. Sorry, I'm about to cry. Yeah. Question numero 3-0.

Numero 3-0. Moving right along. Let's do it. I like it. This is an efficient episode. That's what we came here to do. Surgical. Question number three.

Do we have another dude in the Austin Powers arena that we can name this guy? Dr. Evil. Do you not know characters from Austin Powers? There's something about a miniature him. All right. Miniature him writes $1,000. All right. Dr. Evil writes,

Hey, guys. So I recently got off school for winter break, and so did my girlfriend. All right. job as a library clerk. As you can imagine, the library is completely dead this time of year, so I'm bored out of my mind, manning the circulation desk. My girlfriend knows this, but she keeps sending me snapchats and texts while I'm at work about how much fun she's having. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't extremely jealous, and I know I should be happy for her, but there comes a point when it almost seems like she's consciously rubbing it in my face. How could I tell her to cool it without coming off as an uncool dude? Thanks, Dr. Evil. You are absolutely an uncool dude.

Yeah. Just based on the fact that you work at the library. Nerd alert, nerd alert, nerd alert. All right, back to the podcast. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. The nerd, the nerd, the nerd, the nerd guns are, the nerd, the nerd, the nerd sensors are firing on all cylinders. Oh, and it's actually just because it's on us. Yeah.

Yeah. We have a podcast. We have a podcast. Podcast is. Do you know how hard it is to explain that to people? Everyone is like, oh, what do you do, like, aside from working at CollegeHumor? I'm like, um, you know. I'm a radio DJ. I have a podcast they're like that's not a thing right oh so you uh you broadcast your own little radio show do you yeah hey things will turn up things will turn around

actually they won't thanks clerk at 7-eleven they won't turn around i think our plan is to, God, keep doing it or some shit. Yeah, I guess like in an ideal world, I actually do it more. In a weird way, I have so much creative control that I like having a God, podcast.

I'm so sorry. Get out of my store. What is happening? You're not allowed in any 7-Eleven. I'd like to at least have a slushie, please, sir. Absolutely. You'll pay double. The drink of nerds. I know I've deserved it.

So this guy is shallow? I think, yeah, your heart's in the wrong place. And your attitude is bad. There's no redeeming characteristic here. I think a nice thing would be to be happy for your girlfriend, which you sort of understand. You're like, I know. He says, like, I know I should be happy for her, right? Yeah.

Okay. But you don't really know that because you're not doing it. Well, maybe he's just being so honest, like he's not letting her know. Or at least I hope. At least that's my advice. Don't let her know that you're ever at least 1% jealous of her. Yeah, don't do that. You have to be 100% supportive, excited.

Act as though you're there when you get these Snapchats. Right. Try to, like, match her. Not only just match her, but beat her. Be like, I'm so happy for you. That's awesome. You're the best. Like, ramp up the contacts.

Send her boring Snapchats of you and be like, wish I were where you were, you know? Then maybe, like, actually you'll get yourself into it and you'll end up feeling the way you should. Actually, the next email is from this girl who's like, my boyfriend keeps sending me boring-ass Snapchats while I'm kite surfing in Hawaii. It's really harsh on my buzz. My loser boyfriend works in a library and listens to these nerdy Jewish kids talk on some fucking fake radio show. I went hang gliding the other day, and he Snapchatted me a picture of a book. I almost wanted to puke, but only dust came out. I mean, he is just a goddamn bore show.

Is it cool? How do I tell her to cool it without coming off as uncool? We're going to answer a different question, whether or not you should tell her to cool it, and the answer is no, you should not tell her to cool it. Don't tell her to cool it, boys. If anything, tell her to ramp it and the answer is no you should not tell her to cool don't tell her to cool it if anything tell her to ramp it up yeah say more pics turn that jealousy into like a fire that fuels you or just like you know this is also

some advice if you can't shake being uh the jerk that you are i think you can like don't be like yo you're pissing me off with these. But try to steer the conversation in another direction. Talk about something aside from vacations. And maybe you guys can agree on some other subject that you can enjoy. Like if she sends you a picture of her at the pool, you respond like, how about you turn the camera around and send one of you in that bikini, babe?

And then she's like, oh, oh my God, now I'm getting hot. You pervert. You sexy fucking librarian yeah you want one of my tits you fucking library bitch here it is oh god and then it's like your your girlfriend's fucking tits and then you're like oh shit i'm gonna put my dick in this book check this out here here's my dick next to an index card so you can see that it's half the fucking size. I'm going to put my dick in Dickens, baby. Oh, shit. Dickens, Dickens.

I'll show you a tale of two titties. It's like two cities. My dickens are Dickens and I'm going by committee. My hard, thick dick. It's in the Dickens. Thickens. Sickens. Don't dismiss them.

It's the Dewey Decimal System. Categorize my balls, yo. Ho. So, yeah, that's where you want to get. You want to turn. We're going to figure out a way that you could be having Snapchat sex with your girlfriend. Okay? Suddenly, that's good news for you and for her.

Yeah, there you go. Have you ever felt jealous of a loved one Me? Yeah Yeah Did you let her know? No You followed your own advice

Before you even gave it on the show It's crazy That's why it's called If I Were You Oh because that's what you would have done Because that's what you did do I was you That's why it's called If I Were You. Oh, because that's what you would have done because that's what you did do. Uh-huh. I was you. That's beautiful.

Oh, shit. Oh, God. Yeah, wow. That moved me. Why? That wasn't poignant at all. It's kind of lame to be moved by your own words, huh? No, it's kind of small and lame, actually. Happens to me a lot.

I know it does. I saw a notebook. You had a composition book of meaningful quotes and they were all attributed to you. It was titled Words That Moved Me By Me For Me For Everyone. Actually, speaking of crying, why don't we now get to your nervous breakdown? Yes. So we're recording this on a Sunday, going out on a Monday, not two days ago on a Friday, you were hightailing it back from Northern California

to Southern California in a rental car down to my parents' house so that you can what? Let's see. Where did all of this come from? So after the tour, I went to Los Angeles. Yeah.

To spend Thanksgiving with my brother. Okay. We drove up the coast of California. Beautiful. Captain Big Sur. Great. Beautiful, gorgeous, great, good stuff. We saw my cousins in Santa Rosa.

Beautiful, relaxing time. Hour north. Yeah, it was super lovely. Perfect. Did you decompress? Yeah, I did decompress a little bit. Did you detox? Yeah, I detoxed a little bit.

I mean, it was always like, it's very relaxing, but I still wasn't home. I was still living out of the bag. But it was nice. It was great seeing my brother. Awesome seeing my cousins. My cousin has a little five-year-old

and she's just like... Lovely times. She's like medicine. It was great. She's the best. And then, then I had to get back to New York by Saturday morning so I could move. My movers were coming Saturday at noon. So I needed to take a red eye Friday night.

On Thanksgiving Day, I realized that I never bought my flight home. So like Thursday, you're like, oh, Friday night. Time to check when my flight is. Uh-oh, you're like, oh, Friday night, time to check when my flight is. Uh-oh, I didn't buy one. Did I not buy one? I'm like just searching on my phone. My cousin's like, hey, will you play Barbies with me?

I'm like, yeah, of course. Fuck, where's my... One second! Uncle Jake needs to buy some shit! Whoa, Jake. Also, I remembered this. The reason I thought that I booked the ticket is because a month before I had priced out all these flights, found out the one that I needed, was like, oh, wow, $244 for a nonstop red-eye. That's great.

Okay, I'll do this. Anyway, time to shut off my computer and assume I purchased the ticket. So I never did. I ended up buying a $500 ticket with a layover through Philadelphia, one where I had to not only get onto a, to like change terminals, but I had to get onto a shuttle bus that took me outside of the airport and they're freezing cold. At 5.08 a.m. At five in the morning. But before any of that even happened. So I've got this red eye that I need to catch. I need to drop my brother off in santa barbara which is about 300 miles south of where you were and just like as we're going we're not making any progress getting later and later i i finally like i just like after i dropped him off i like my eta was like 7 p.m i needed to drop the rental car off by eight it's like all right this is okay but i don't know what what the fuck happened but it's at one point it was like yeah I'm not going to get in there until

7.45 and I still needed to like change my I needed to like grab bags I needed to bring the rental car yeah you need to do a lot of shit return the rental car get to the airport drop off your bags at my parents house yeah and your parents had people over for Hanukkah dinner you come over to my place you're frazzled

as all shit and there's just like 8 people having a lovely dinner being like hey jake sit down eat come on relax i think i didn't oh i did tell you this but i in the i was in the driveway i had to piss so bad that i was peeing into a bottle because i didn't want to like run into your house and just go right to the bathroom so i was like pee into a bottle it sprayed everywhere got all over my jeans all over the seat of my car and which i sat in so i just came in uh incredibly uncomfortable reeking of piss and sweat and and just like uh i was exhausted like oh my god and i needed to scarf that dinner i'm like making small talk with like

eight different people and then your two nieces too. That was lovely. I had a good time there. It was just very frazzling as people grilled you about your situation that was out of your control. Then while you were looking, while you were talking, I was looking to see if Enterprise, the car rental place, is even open yet and it wasn't. Yeah. And then you're like, it doesn't matter. I'm just going to drive there and drop off my car. Which I thought that it was like the movies or a library where you're just like, I can drop off the keys in a box. I swear to God I've done that before.

I got there. All the gates are closed. Before you left, I walked you out to your car to drive back to Enterprise and you shouted into your hands. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck. And you said you've never had a nervous breakdown or cried from stress but that's as close as it got yeah i could imagine i mean i wanted to i just couldn't i would i didn't have enough time to cry if i like if i could have just sobbed i would have and i

would have been a great relief because i got there i got to the rental car place i hid the car on a side street i called you i was like we i need you to just like come place. I hid the car on a side street. I called you. I was like, I need you to just come and return it in the morning. And I had to return my car in the morning. Oh, my God. So I took a bunch of pictures. Meanwhile, I'm running around with my bag, trying to get a ride to the airport with my ex-girlfriend.

And you send me a picture of where your car is parked. You hid the keys under the license plate, hoping to God nobody steals this rental car. Yeah. did i was on the hook for it yeah and then you made your red eye middle seat middle seat through philadelphia lax to philly uh middle seat i asked so many times to change it and everybody was so rude to me i like i got there and i was like trying to smooth talk the dude i was like yo is there an extra seat he's like it's all full i was like well like what happens if people don't check in he's like oh yeah maybe i was like trying to smooth talk the dude. I was like, yo, is there an extra seat? He's like, it's all full. I was like, well, like what happens if people don't check in? He's like, oh yeah, maybe.

I was like, is there a list? He was like smiling. I was like, who do I talk to? You, you? Just like really trying to be smooth. And it was working on him a little bit. And then I waited until everybody got on the plane. I went up to the ticket agent.

I was like, hey, is there a middle seat? She's like, no, it's all full. I was like, well, did everybody check in? She's like, yeah, you see all this blue? That's everybody checked in. And there was like four or five yellows. I was like, well, what's the yellow? She's like, that's people that haven't checked in yet. I was like, that, you see all this blue? That's everybody checked in. And there was like four or five yellows. I was like, well, what's the yellow? She's like, that's people that haven't checked in yet.

I was like, that's what I was asking. That's my seat. What about the yellows? She's like, it's all full. And I was like, all right. And I went in. I was like, I'll ask another flight attendant. I was like, hey, did everybody check in?

She's like, yeah, full flight. I don't know why I felt entitled to like somebody's empty seat but i just felt like the universe owed me a solid and you didn't get it and then i got here um i got all the way back to my apartment after two flights and the heat was broken my apartment i just wanted to sleep for two hours before the movers came and it was just a frigid frigid icicle house 36 hours later we're here right now. 12 hours after that, you're listening to this. That's how time works, people.

And guess what? 12 hours from now, we are on the road to Los Angeles yet again. We're driving. The adventure continues. So hopefully we'll have more funny stories from that. Should we get to this last question before we run out of time? Before I break into a thousand fucking pieces. All right.

Let's get to this guy. Ready? We'll call this guy Mini-Me. Whatever happened to Vern Troyer? It doesn't matter. He made Shasta McNasty. He really did. All right.

Shasta McNasty. What really did. All right. Shasta McNasty. What an obscure reference. All right. Hey, guys. I have recently started a new college, and things are going pretty smooth, but I have a problem with the ladies. I'm fairly unattractive and rather nerdy. I'm into anime, video games, et cetera.

I have no problem with myself. The problem lies in that there's a girl that I've been talking to who's very similar to me. She's into a lot of the same things I am, and personality-wise, we are fairly similar. Perfect, right? Wrong. She's butt-ugly, scraggly pube hair, horrible face, and generally unavoidably ugly features. I thought she was too ugly to date, but her personality is very redeeming. I realize I'm being a hypocrite, but I can't get around the way she looks. Help. No. No.

You don't deserve help. You deserve no help. Wow. What an amazingly self-aware email. It's not self-aware. I feel like he's, I'm fairly unattractive. I bet he's a fucking, I bet he's a dog's anus, this kid. But it's so funny that he's like, she's perfect, right?

Wrong. She's butt ugly. You just said you were ugly. Yeah. Except you're ugly inside and out. And it seems like she's just ugly out. Yeah. If anything, she shouldn't go after you.

Yeah. Your personality is not redeeming. Where hers is, yours has failed. Yeah, what are you bringing to the table? You already said you're unattractive, rather nerdy. Okay. But at least you have a nice personality. Oh, wait.

No, you don't. Because you're emailing us to write about this woman who you say is ugly and you don't know whether or not you should date her. I have no problem with myself. Right. We can see that. You should have a problem with yourself. Change. Yeah. Be different. no problem with myself right we can see that you should have a problem with yourself change yeah be different the way you are don't scraggly pube hair horrible face yeah generally unavoidably

ugly features don't do you don't do you change who you are change. The man you are needs to not be that. That way. What you are now shouldn't be you next time we see you. Let's just simplify it. You as you is, is bad. Not good. Be another way. The way you are now is not a good way that you are you should be a way

that's not the way you are change to be different will be accepted good good job not you someone else new guy new guy new guy new Whoa, new guy actually writes into the email Hey guys, I'm fairly unattractive and rather nerdy Luckily for me, I found a woman with a similar personality as me Who accepts me for who I am Holy shit, we're both not traditionally attractive But that doesn't matter because we get along so well Because of our personalities

We laugh about the fact that, you know Some people look at us and think we're conventionally unattractive But you know what? To us, we're perfect What we have have is real. Oh my god. You changed, man. Holy shit. You changed, dude. That's amazing. In real time. Did you see that? Congratulations, you. It's a miracle. You're no longer you. We saved him. We saved him! We can rebuild him, and he should be rebuilt. Oh, man. For right now, he is not good.

You are not good, sir. But thanks for writing us in. At least we've been able to at least guide you in the right direction. You're like a blind hamster hitting a wall over and over, and we lifted you up and turned you around, facing the road towards recovery. I hope. I wish i i perchance i dream you you beautiful hamster motherfucker you you loveable you lovable hamster roach you rodent bastard i saw a mouse at lax today

i don't know if you have anything to say about that. I saw a fat fucking cockroach in this basement. Oh. It was funny. Good thing you're leaving this place. Ooh, this cockroach-infested basement. I'll miss it. I'm going to miss it, too. Hey, this continues our streak of four or five consecutive podcasts recorded in different spaces.

Yeah, and it's only going to continue. This is a wild ride. It really is. We are untethered in flux. Yeah. But can't think of a guy I'd rather be there with than my own person. And hey, you're not too bad yourself, brother. Maybe Jeff and Dave, and that'd be it.

You are definitely in the top five-o. Yes. Well, Marty and Steve pushes you. Oh, Streeter, you're six. Top ten, though. Not bad. You don't get a medal, but Oh, Streeter, you're six. Top ten, though. Not bad. You don't get a medal, but at the same time, you're going to be in a top ten list. Yep.

Yep. Oh, unless we're talking about King Girls, because then, game changer. How so? I mean, there's easily just like, well, my family, friends, Sarah, Amanda. I'm in the top ten. Let's leave it at that. Does family count? Let's absolutely leave it.

Does family count? It does not count. All right. Family does not count. All right. it at that. Does family count? Let's absolutely leave it. Does family count? It does not count. All right. Family does not count. All right. You're nine. You're nine. Chill.

It's good. Stop thinking about it. Because I'm afraid the more time you spend, the more people that you... John and Giancarlo pushed you to 11, buddy. I'm sorry. 11 is the worst prime number in the world. Plop. All right.

That's our time. Thanks so much for listening, everybody. And if you have your own problems, you can email us at ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Also, that opening theme song, that was an original. That was a one of a kind. We take new theme songs every single episode and open and close the show with them. So that one was by i think sky and megan were their names and this last one is by somebody named andrew

andrew thanks bud think you can beat him we'd love to hear you try oh no i thought you were gonna die you said no, because I only fell asleep instead of died? I wished you would. Oh, no. I closed your eyelids, and it turns out you were only asleep and not dead. Damn it. All right, cool. See you Thursday, everybody.

Say bye. Peace. Peace. Text me. If I were you. Text me.