Segments - 42: Poop Fiasco

Episode Date: August 19, 2024

In this episode we discuss our new soccer podcast, egg cracking, and the triumphant return of Poetry vs Noetry.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet

set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad

at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number.

So you have to edit it out. Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. too. Now you have to edit it out. But we'll see you guys there. Won't last its effort to try and stop their career from going to shit.

Seven. Another podcast. Seven. Each app different from the last. Seven. It's the Swiss Army Nightclub Show. Oh. Meet your two pathetic hosts.

Seven. Uh-huh. That was really, really pornographic and in poor taste. Oh, I'm not allowed to have a new catchphrase at 39? I can't opt into that? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. So it's uh-huh, but in a high-pitched, high-energy, slightly sexual, yes, but it's not about that.

It's not about that. Slightly. If other people find it sexual, that's on them. And if other people are turned on by the way I say it, that's their prerogative. I'm just living my best damn life. I'm just trying out a new catchphrase that is sweeping the nation, that is sticking like glue to society. And yeah, it sounds like a tiny woman coming. And so does a lot of catchphrases.

It might be a little sexual, but it sure does stick in your head, doesn't it? It's sort of like Mr. Hankey the Christmas Pooh. Is this a hidey-ho? Hidey-ho. God, was there anything funnier than Mr. Hankey and his heyday? He had it all. He was a shit and he was for the Christmas. Yeah. God, was there anything funnier than Mr. Hankey and his heyday? He had it all. He was a shit and he was for the Christmas.

Actually, speaking of poop, I had an interesting poop fiasco this morning when I was walking my dog. Any relation to Lupe fiasco? Yes, indeed. Indeed, because I was listening to Lupe Fiasco on my iPod Nano. Oh. Yeah. So what was the Poopay Fiasco? So I was walking down the street. You know, you have the little dog poop bag rolls.

I was starting a new roll, and I believe since they're held together by a sticker, when I peeled the sticker off and slid it through the little baggy dispenser, I must have compromised the integrity of the bag because Dingo let loose a big honking shit, a very large poop. And I went, I picked it up in the bag, did the flip to flip it out, and it just all fell directly into my hand. Through the bag, just all in my hand so what do you do at that point i am two blocks from my house my right hand is covered in dog shit i got out a new bag with my left hand picked up the shit and the split bag. And is he ready to keep walking? Because he doesn't know or care what's going on. Yeah, but he's not like pulling at the leash or anything.

He's fascinated by my struggle. He knows this is the drill. I pick up the poop afterwards. It's taking a little longer than usual, but he's pretty patient. But I just kind of hold my right hand outstretched and I walk directly home. Of course, he doesn't still need to piss. He stops. So I open my other hand.

It's not far off. Because at this point, I'm sort of a toilet for dingo. Sometimes he lifts the legs. Sometimes he does like a little squat thing and for some reason today i think maybe because everything was just off he sort of tried to split the difference and he half squatted and just pissed directly onto his front paw i guess out of solidarity so then i come home dingo's paws covered in piss my hand is covered in shit um i had to kind of like tie him up by the door so i could wash my hands then go back clean the piss off of him where did you throw

away the original shit you put it into a new bag yes but your hand was it uh how what would you say the consistency of the shit was on a scale of hard as a rock to pure soft serve all the way to liquid it was thankfully decently hard i think it was probably a seven so it did all and i kind of like instinctively because it's like falling i guess i i didn't like try to catch it like as soon as i realized it was shit i moved my hand but it did it like it got pretty my i, I looked at the hand and it was brown. There were three of my fingers were, had brown stains on them. But just a hand wash, not a full shower. Not a full shower, but it did take a scrub.

Like there was actual fecal matter on the hand. It wasn't like I had to like, you know, actually get the shit off of the skin, then wash, then wash again. Sniff, sniffed after the wash of hands. You're like, this is probably good enough. Yeah, I didn't really sniff intimately. But the whole, I mean, I smelled soap pretty severely. So I felt like they were pretty clean. And I washed them.

I washed it twice. Thrice, actually, because I did twice for the shit and then once post-piss clean. So three really good hand washes. Would you have eaten an apple right then and there? Or were you still needing to give it a little bit of distance before, let's say, eating a barbecue chicken wing? Yeah, licking my fingers. I probably would have wanted some distance, I think. Yeah.

I would have maybe had an apple. I could imagine eating something and kind of favoring my left hand, though. Yeah, like a pear or something. Yeah. I did cook. I cooked eggs after that. Oh, interesting. And I cracked them with my right hand.

I was going to say, I have an egg cracking update. Really? Did you get the video I sent you? You know, I got it. I was on vacation, so I didn't play it. I got it and I didn't. You saw a video and you were just like, I got it. I was on vacation, so I didn't play it. I got it and I didn't. You saw a video and you were just like, I'll watch it later. I saw a pan and I was like, oh, I bet this is an egg thing.

You weren't curious as to how I figured out what to do. Let me see what day you sent it to me because it was right in the middle of my vacation. It was on your birthday, yeah. Was it on my birthday? No. It was, okay. It was on your birthday, yeah. Was it on my birthday? No. Okay. It looks like it was on Saturday. Yeah, it was a Saturday morning egg.

Yeah. So actually, that was the day that I left vacation. I should have. Then I think it was more about it being a travel day, so I wouldn't take it personally. So I saw an online video of sorts where somebody said, you can just crack an egg by dropping it into the pan and it does a perfect split in half. So I'm like, okay, let me skeptically try that out.

Right. And I drop the egg. Yeah, and it cracks right open, split down the middle, and then you go like this and there's no shell. There's no shell remnants. That was what I told you about dropping it on the plate. It's the same notion. No, you're thrusting and hitting and cracking and opening. I'm dropping it into the pan.

Yeah. Dropping it onto the pan. I said it was dropping it onto the counter. Drop it onto the counter, but then the egg gets onto the counter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's not perfect. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's not good.

It's not that it's not good. You get a little egg on the counter. But yeah. A little egg on the counter. But yeah. A little egg goes a long way. Yeah. Drop the egg in the pan, lift it up, and you can almost do the single-handed one because at that point, it's a clean break all the way through right down the middle. So this is, I guess I'll play the video now.

Please. And narrate as you go. Oh, it's got a, oh, it looks like it's got to download. It's really a large file. Yeah, I shot it in 4K. 4K. Nice. Wow, you're not concerned?

It is... Oh, you're doing it one-handed. Really impressive. So that is... Perfect. Oh, you said perfect at the end. That's an egg cut in half. and gravity did most of the work. Yeah.

I mean, that's really, that's great. You're not concerned about burning your hand because it is a hot pan that you're dropping it into. What? You know that it's hot. I mean, it's cooking an egg. Oh, my God. I severely burnt my hand. Charred.

I had no idea from what. I thought I sliced it on the shell. The egg is big enough. I pick it up in the middle, and I'm hoping that, like, yeah. And honestly, I think the goal to making good eggs is to not make the pan super hot. Then, like, it doesn't get burnt on the outside and still kind of runny in the middle. And another fascinating element, because I thought you kind of did, like, a scramble situation, but it looks like you're doing your do you often do a fried egg that's what you're that's what you're doing you're not like it begins is fried and as i mix it in the pan and it is non-stick it becomes by

de facto default a scramble light sc. It's more of a broken egg. It's a fried egg with a broken yolk, really. Do you concern yourself with microplastics with the nonstick? Are you fine with that? I'm 100% fine

with microplastic. In fact, I prefer macroplastics. I ate a garbage bag on the side. Instead of a fork, I use a water bottle to just shove the egg in my mouth. Instead of bacon, I'll slice a cup, a red solo cup, and I'll put it in the pan and let it kind of melt.

For dinner tonight, I'm having a Poland spring. Bottle? Doesn't matter. Yeah, I'll eat any. I'm not worried about those um little oh uh diseases are on the rise we don't know why do you ever wonder why more people are getting sick and ill than they were 100 years ago like that's not for me to figure out yeah okay so you're just going to consume the teflon and that's fine actually i i've been having a

hard time finding a nonstick pan. I'm glad this one is actually working. I don't even know if it is what it is, how it looks, but it feels a little bit different than the usual. Maybe it isn't even Teflon. Maybe we've graduated past it, but it kind of works. Maybe the plastics have gotten so micro that you can't even see them. That's right. Yes, exactly. So thin and small, these microplastics. Mm-hmm. Okay. This is, not if thin and small, these microplastics. Okay. This is if, not if I were you.

What's the other one called? Our podcast? Yeah, yeah. Wait, wait. Give me a second. Oh, give me a second. Seconds. Seconds.

That's good. Take it in your seconds. It's our second podcast. A healthy portion of segments coming right at you yes um and uh you know it's uh it's a it's a sort of swiss army knife of shows right everybody heard the pathetic hosts right yeah um so which what what segment should we start with today we've already been talking about shit we've been talking about plastic. I feel like we need a quick one because we're already pretty deep in it. Right.

We're really deep. Yeah. Do you want to preview our other podcast that you and I are going to start? Oh, yeah. Well, we could talk about actually doing it because I'm still on the fence. But you want to do a Tottenham Hotspur podcast. That's right. That is right.

I came up with a great name for it. That's honestly the only reason I want to do it at this point. Let's hear it. What's the name? The Coys Boys. Yeah. Because it sort of combines us, the Coy Boys, with that catchphrase or whatever tagline that they use. I mean, it's perfect.

Game over. The Coys Boys? Come on, you Spurs. Yeah. Yeah. Come on, you Spurs. Right. And you want,

so this would be a weekly podcast where I watch the games with you and talk about it? Yes. You will be watching every single game. This is my dream podcast because I do this anyway. I'm watching all the games.

I talk about all the games kind of ad nauseum. I watch the game. I often watch the, as long as we do well, I then watch the highlights. Then I look at all the players kind of ad nauseum. I watch the game. I often watch the, as long as we do well, I then watch the highlights. Then I look at all the players' Instagrams. To me, it's a match.

To you, it's a game. For me, it's like always been a match. That's what I call it as a football fan. But for you, it's like- Well, I call it a fixture. That's not what you call it. I call it a fixture. You call it a match?

I call it a fixture. Well, it's a fixture in my life. Yeah. But it's a match when I watch it. Tell me what you think about the table. What do you think about the table right now? This table? Yeah.

The table? That you're sitting at? It's normal. What do you want me to say? So, yeah, we'll watch every single Tottenham game. Match. Fixture. Yeah.

And then you and I will discuss how we think it went, what kind of changes Ange should be making. You know the coach is named Ange Postacoglu. That's a terrible name. Big Ange? Ange Postacoglu? Ange Postacoglu? Yeah.

When I first saw it, I was like, I'll never know how to pronounce it. But now it's really second nature. I mean, he has to get the fuck out of there. We can't have that in our fucking system. No, no. He's the coach. He is. No, he is.

It's the big Ange system is the one that we want. He is. Yeah. He is. He has his flying up. Yeah. Yeah. He is.

He's playing that. The swashbuckling dare to dare is is to do that's the coy's um slogan so he's we're finally daring we are finally doing the fans are chanting we've got our spurs back uh and we've got one of the two off sides hold on what is off sides it's when you're you're you're ahead of the last defender and the ball's uh in on that half i feel like they got to get rid of that rule like that'll open up the field so much more if i'm cherry picking that should be allowed i think offsides well we can talk about this on the boys but but a big issue is the video assistant referee which is which is kind of like frame

fucking oh his pinky was ahead of his fucking foot it's like that's not really a competitive and they'll take seven minutes out of the match to kind of be like they're look at the yeah drawing the lines and it's still not even perfect and they still get it wrong so it kind of just like is awful everybody i think almost universally hates it but everybody's afraid to get rid of it because the last thing you want is one of your teams. Offside is awful. Yeah. Well, I think offsides, it should be up to the linesmen.

Yes, we'll take listener questions. People can talk to us about their favorite teams. You know, the Spurs will play every single team twice, so everyone's favorite team will be covered. Penalty kicks should be worth half. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You get a penalty, you make a kick, that's a lot less impressive than like a goal in action. Well, a penalty is-

You should have two of those for every goal in action. A penalty is given when a goal scoring opportunity is taken away. Kind of. It's like, oh, I slid tackle and I kicked your shin back. You weren't necessarily going to score a goal, but now you have like an 80% chance to do it. And then I do an insane goal and actually get a goal and now it's a tie. No, what I did was better. I outplayed you. You got lucky. It's like if a basketball free throw was worth 23 points, we're giving too much credence to these kind of easy things or move it back to

the point where it's like a 20% chance. Yeah, but I think the beauty of football is that it's so simple. You don't really want to complicate it by being like, oh, this penalty is going to be worth half because – Half. I don't – Yeah, half. I feel like the show – You already have halves in the match. Yeah.

You do have – It's already the first half. Right. Yeah, but I mean points are points. A goal is a goal. Yeah. And I don't know. They've been playing since the 1800s,

so I feel like they're probably not going to change anything for you. Well, that's the problem. They're not thinking about innovating because they've been playing for so long. Well, they innovated with VAR, and it's gotten worse. I think it's probably better to just leave it as it is and just – Right. But the replays really fucked – I mean, replays,s i think have fucked up most

sports really can you think of any any sports that have gotten better because of replays and the chat like the challenges it's just not fun because it ends up being subjective anyway you're just right staring at it on a closer lens and then it ruins the flow of the game yeah and then fans of both teams are look are are pointing to different parts of the video being like, this is allowed, this is not allowed. Actually, if you look at slow it down frame by frame, he beat the out by touching the bag of millisecond earlier, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, it's like it would be a lot more fun. Like, don't give baseball a pitch clock, but then take five minutes for a challenge. You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, honestly, you can get rid of that umpire because I don't know what he can see from behind the catcher anyway. How can he tell, like, how low it is? Oh, that was anything low, but I can't really see the catcher.

AI really could replace the home plate umpire. Yes. That should not really be happening. But this is all stuff that we'll cover on the Coys Boys. We'll be talking Tottenham, but mostly talking – actually, mostly talking Tottenham and talking a little sports. But I'd really like to keep it Tottenham-focused. Just be a completely new podcast? Yeah.

Yeah. So we'd have this podcast and also a soccer podcast. Yeah. That seems like a lot of podcasting. It's not that much podcast. I mean, because we're both already going to watch the Tottenham game. That's a foregone conclusion. Well, sometimes they're on at like

6 a.m. on Saturdays. Yeah, you'll watch the replay. They replay and they're on Peacock. It's not really an issue. I don't have Peacock. I'll give you my fucking login. I'll give you my login. You don't have the NBC suite? You don't have NBC streaming? I really think you must fucking login. You know I don't have Peacock. I'll give you my login. You don't have the NBC suite? You don't have NBC streaming?

I really think you must. I have NBC.com because I have cable. Okay. I don't have the cock. I kind of feel like if you have cable, then you have access to Peacock. Yeah, I can DVR it. Yeah. This is all stuff we'll cover on the Kois Boys.

45 minutes on how I watch the game. I have it on my iPad. But, you know, a lot of people are thinking about getting into the Premier League because it's a lot of fun. It's a great sport to watch. Sports, like I've been saying, they've really gotten significantly worse with all of the commercial breaks, et cetera, et cetera. And even though VAR is not perfect, football is 45 minutes plus the stoppage time for injuries, but they never cut away. They're not going to a commercial. So it's a lot more enjoyable to watch. And that's why it's not popular in America.

I watch the games for the ads. I want to make sure that the owners are making bank. Yeah. Don't worry about these. The owners of these teams are making bank. That. Don't worry about these. The owners of these teams are making bank. That's not a problem. Okay, that's good.

If you're worried about the owners not being rich, don't be. Okay, the owners are rich. I want to know which team is owned by the most Saudis so I can sort of root accordingly.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Who's the closest to being a trillionaire who's sort of in charge of this whole rigmarole? I guess Man City or Newcastle are both kind of like sovereign wealth money. That's not bad.

But the Spurs are the Jewish team in England. So we kind of have that going for us. That's true. That's true. All right. I guess we'll discuss on the pod. We had a Premier League pod on our Patreon for a little bit. And that was the impetus for me falling in love with Tottenham.

And now here I am. Yeah. I'm fully coised. So it did work in that regard. All right. We'll give it a shot, I guess. First game is on Monday. It's on Monday.

A week from today. Yeah. A.K.A. the day this episode comes out. Right. This episode comes out on their season opener against Leicester City. And that game is at 3 p.m. That's a noon game for you. 3 p.m. for me.

So we'll watch that. We'll record right afterwards. So if all goes well, you could in theory hear a premier league koi's boys podcast that's if we get our shit together right it'll come yeah which i'll give like a 40 chance 40 okay fine um all right let's take a break come back and i got some poetry for you yes it's the return of poetry or noetry we're back thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we're returned. Yes, we are. It's been a while because I had to replenish my creative coffer. But now the juices are flowing. You can't bang out a new poem every week. Like nobody's that prolific. I have to wait until my vocabulary resets itself. I actually tried something in July

where I was writing a poem every day. And were any of them good enough to share on this podcast? Oh, no, they're personal, deeply personal poems. They're not for consumption. Let's choose one at random. Let's say the July 1st, your first poem that you wrote. Yeah. Potentially most personal and raw.

Right, the day that I was overcome with emotion that I was like, you know what? I'm going to write a poem. I have to do this every day. I'm going to write this, and I'll do this every day i don't i didn't did you make it every day no no but i probably between july and now i think i wrote like seven or eight poems it's pretty good yeah i did like three days in a row then i was like then it was sort of a once a week thing and once a week feels a lot better than every day every day is really hard because you end up just kind of being like i think i'm forcing it i think i'm

let me fart out a limerick it's 11 40 um all right uh anyway let's hear let's hear yours okay so these are i got four instead of the usual three. What? Wait a second. Wait a second. Whoa, you're moving the goalposts on me, but what are you talking about? You can't give me four poems. I'm giving you four, and they're pretty – some of them are kind of like completely new, un-poem-likes, but let's see how it goes. All right, fine. But this is obviously kind of bunk because it's supposed to be three i'm now you're having me yeah it's supposed to be three but you kept getting it right so now i thought i'd muddy the water i see all right let's hear it okay uh

okay this first one is called ella telephino nice it's not you, but go ahead. Once there was an elephant who tried to use the telephant. No, no, I mean an elephone who tried to use the telephone. Dear me, I'm not certain quite that even now I've got it right. However it was, he got his trunk entangled in the telephunk. The more he tried to get it free, the louder buzzed the telephi. I fear I'd better drop this song of Eliphop and Telephong. It's not for me, but I think it was wildly creative. It was fun. That feels like a poem written by a poet who is

like it was like a good actor who's like i'm gonna star in a rom-com it's that's that's what it felt like somebody just flexing a muscle that they don't often use that's my my initial that's my gut take let's move on jesus in jackville. Okay, this could be you. Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? Did he celebrate at Melting Pot and bowl with Willie Dennis? Did Jesus ever shop at Dillard's or beat the heat in Township Square? Did he score a bingo at Arlington's or cash his checks at the Winn-Dixie docu-teller? Do you think Jesus was at Palestine Park? Did he get high with skaters, beats, and punks?

Or did he end up like Von Weedeking and proselytize with Ginsburg? Don't smoke, don't smoke, don't smoke't smoke it's a nine billion dollar capitalist communist joke hmm okay i all right i don't necessarily like it but i don't think it was you now wood wood wood w-o-o-d? Correct. We age in darkness like wood and watch our phantoms change. They're clothes of shingles and boards for a purpose that can only be described as wood. You see what I mean by different kinds of poems. Yeah, yeah. Very cryptic. Very cryptic. This is my, I do like this kind of poetry. I think if you had read all three of these. And there is one more.

Yeah, I know. I know. So if you had read these three, I would be pretty confused. I think I'd guess would. But I feel like this last film will be you. So let's hear it. This one's called Shopping at Erewhon with the Boys. No.

Marty and Cohen took me a shopping. There's no way this is a real one. Actually, this is not too dissimilar from that joke. It's called wallpapering. Oh, wow. As you know. Yeah. We've talked ad nauseum about my wallpaper fiascos.

My wall. My parents argued over wallpaper. Would stripes make the room look larger? He would measure, cut, and paste. She'd swipe the flaws out with her brush. Once it was properly hung, doubt would set in. Would the floral have been a better choice? Then it would grow until she was certain it had to go. Divorce terrified me as a child. I didn't know what led to it, but I had my suspicions. The stripes came down. Hmm. God.

That last poem really does nothing for me. And that's why I would think it's you. But there's this element. Ella Telefino. Once there's Ella ella telephino once they're from the top it's like i feel like this last one should be you but with the wallpapering that you did recently and i don't think you'd write about your parents in a way that's like that's why i did write about my parents or like even in that context did you go directly at my doubt?

You're like, oh, he doesn't think I'm dumb enough to like write a poem called wallpaper. But then I'm like, are you double faking me? But could you be double faking me and doing something with your parents, which would really trip me up? Let me hear Wood again. Let's see Paul Allen's poem. Okay, wood? Yeah. Wood is the most like the poems we have been doing.

Right. A classic capital P poem called Wood. We age in darkness like wood and watch our phantoms change. There are clothes of shingles and boards for a purpose that can only be described as wood. See, yeah, it doesn't mean anything. And it's also not true. We age in darkness? That's actually not correct. We don't. Not even metaphorically do we do that.

I'm sorry. Let's eliminate a poem. We actually don't not even metaphorically do we do that i'm sorry let's eliminate a poem let's eliminate a poem we're gonna eliminate the elephant telephone poem ella telephino yeah ella telephino by laura elizabeth richards okay it's a real poem ella telephony i should say ella telephone I remember that one because I learned it in elementary school. Oh, really? Wow. Yeah. Ella Telefino. Twinsicle. I would like to read her other work. Does she only do children's poems, or is that

kind of like a departure for her? I thought it was super modern, but then when I searched it online, she was like born in 1850. Wow. So I guess she was being funny back in the 19th century. Wow. So it she was being funny back in the 19th century. Wow. So it's even funnier than I thought.

What was the second one? I literally don't remember. Oh, the Jesus one? Jesus in Jacksonville, yeah. See, I kind of feel like that could be you as well, because it feels a little bit like you just went to the Jacksonville Wikipedia and pulled up a bunch of... Spammed it. Yeah. Why don't I I'm gonna eliminate

wallpapering eliminate wallpapering yeah wallpapering is a real poem so you are down to wood and Jesus in Jacksonville let me pull it up again let's yeah wallpapering is a poem that i searched i searched wallpaper um on poetry foundation and that was one of them by let me look uh uh sue ellen thompson sue ellen thompson it's it's not a bad poem but i don't really feel like it says enough um okay sorry sue i'm sorry sue it's just not but you still didn't think i wrote it yeah no i mean it well but i i really think it was mostly the wallpaper of it and your parent and the parents of it i was like i just don't think amir could go there i don't so it wasn't it wasn't about the poem's quality no offense to sue um okay can i hear jesus in jacksonville it's a long one yeah

but here it goes do you think jesus was in jackville? Did he celebrate at Melting Pot and Bowl with Willie Dennis? Did Jesus ever shop at Dillard's or beat the heat in Township Square? Did he score a bingo at Arlington's or cash his checks at the Winn-Dixie DocuTeller? Do you think Jesus was at Palestine Park? Did he get high with skaters, beats, and punks? Or did he end up like Von Wiedeking and proselytize with Ginsburg? Quote, don't smoke, don't smoke, don't smoke. It's a $9 billion capitalist communist joke. Okay. Could not be more different than would. Yeah. I feel like at the end of the day, do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville?

It's just not a question that you would ask. And I come back to the fact that wood is really a meaningless poem. I can't stress enough how little we age in the darkness. Let's go ahead and guess that you wrote Wood. Wood by Richard Broderick. No way. Shit. We age in darkness like wood and watch our phantoms change their clothes of shingles and boards for a purpose that can only be described as wood.

That's right. I wrote Jesus in Jacksonville. Do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? And you are right. I did just fucking spam Wikipedia and put in as many references as humanly possible. Yeah, yeah. And tried to write kind of an anti-poem, a poem that's not poetic at all.

Just like, hey, do you think this happened? Do you think this happened? I wonder if he did this. I got to be honest. I really don't. I don't hate the poem. It ends with a very interesting cadence. It's just a quote.

Yeah. I also should have, I almost said this out loud but the the word proselytize i just think that's like a that's a word that you like man that irks me it was the last that was i was gonna go on for like way too long and be like and you're like usually the really really long ones are not it but like i'm like i'm running out of steam here and the more i write the more i can give away that was another another reason though i was like this one it seems too long for him because wood is short it's cryptic like i mentioned i feel like it's pretty meaningless and yeah it's that seemed like, you know, it seemed a little bit all ends well yet-y at the end of the day.

And I kind of cheated because I did take that last quote from a different poem. Oh, that's a huge cheat. That's a huge cheat. That's because that's an Allen Ginsberg poem. So that's why I wrote, did he proselytize with Ginsberg quote? And then I quote Allen Ginsberg. Oh oh and then you could i see all right well no that's i thought yeah i knew that it was a quote that wasn't your words but i i thought it was interesting that a poem would end with a quote and you didn't steal that you didn't steal the that somebody else ended their poem with a quote you just stole the quote that's right um that's good it was actually a There was actually a last stanza that I didn't

read. Let's hear it. Because I sent it to Avital and she's like, I would just end it with the quote. Yeah. This is what I didn't read. It's impossible to say whether this would have tipped you off, but now you'll definitely say it would have. Here it is. Ready? I felt that he was there when

we protested Bayer Burns, then ate Greek sandwiches at Christo's. I thought he preached at Bishop Kenny and taught at Mater Dei. But I know Jesus was in Jacksonville because he told me he was there. Ooh. I like that. I think if anything, that would have made me really commit to wood. Wow.

Yeah. So I should have kept it in. I thought, yeah, that really wraps it up nicely. I think that was a good poem, man. Jesus was in Jacksonville. Are we, do you think between this and what he saw, are we getting better? You didn't read the ones that you wrote every day,

so I can't really say. Well, I think, I mean, I think I'm, I established myself as a poet when I wrote What He Saw. That was a really great poem. And it got you, and it got you bad, and it got me good. What he saw. And now, what was, do you think Jesus was in Jacksonville? Or is it just called Jesus in Jacksonville?

No, just Jesus in Jacksonville. Jesus in Jacksonville. I think that's kind of your best work. We're getting to the point where we could put together a book of poems. Interesting. So let's scrap the fucking soccer podcast. That's just going to waste our time on the path that we want to take towards being literary published poems. Yeah, literary giants.

Titans of the industry. I mean, what poet isn't rich as fuck? Laura E. Richards was a billionaire. She owns Aston Villa. It's amazing. It's amazing. How dope is that? She wrote Ella Telephony

and then fucked around and bought Brighton Hove Albion. Nice, dude. You're getting into the football. Do you have a second? Do you have a team that you would like? I mean, you'll end up loving Tottenham. You'll fall in love with Tottenham.

But, like, is there a team that they would play? What if they're bad? They, you know, they might be. I think that no matter what, what they're gonna play with heart their games last year even the ones that we lost were were always very very exciting they were like a they were the neutrals team to to watch because they were always high scoring games who's the uh not always but yeah who's the first match against uh lester oh yeah you said that newly promoted lester okay all right i'll

watch one match what's the worst that could happen yes dude an earthquake we already had one of those today yeah uh okay let's take another break come back and do one more segment thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive

that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right.

Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah.

Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. Segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. We're here with Jake and me, the author of Jesus in Jacksonville. The number one poem that's sweeping America. Remember that?

No. Here's a game we played the other way around a month or two ago in which you asked ChatGPT to come up with a mere Blumenfeld trivia, and I tried to play it. Yeah. I believe you did pretty well. I did pretty well for AI that was consistently giving you incorrect answers. That's right. Yeah. Because I guess we're not famous enough for it to know anything about us. Yeah. Just guessing and hoping that nobody cares. I asked ChatGPT, can you give me 10 trivia questions about Jake Hurwitz, multiple choice ideally, and let me know what the correct answer is. Spit it out in two seconds.

Yeah, of course. Then I said, give me 10 more difficult, true or false Jake Hurwitz themed questions. Boom. Done instantly. Great. And you can tell. And some of them are right, and some of them are not right at all. Okay, let's hear it.

Here's an easy one. What am I playing for? You're playing for anonymity. If you get 10 in a row correctly, no one will ever know who you are ever again. That's a threat. Kind of cool, right? What's Jay Kerwitz's new catchphrase? Holy shit, it's that up to the minute.

Here's an easy one just to start. What's the primary genre of Jake and Amir? A, horror, B, drama, C, comedy, or D, documentary? Let's go ahead and say comedy. That's correct. Great. Okay, but here's when it starts getting a little more... Inaccurate?

Questionable. All right. What is Jake Hurwitz's role in the Jake and Amir series? A, writer, B, actor, C, director, or D, all of the above? Oh. Well, it should be D, all of the above, but I'm guessing that it's not because you said it was questionable. I guess it'll credit me with actor.

I'm sorry. It was D, all of the above. I led you astray. Yes, you did. Okay, great. You're an asshole. You're a liar. You're a cheat.

You added four poems. Obviously, you're not playing by the rules anymore. What is Jake Hurwitz's educational background? A, Harvard. B, Yale. C, UPenn. Or D, New York University. Okay, so none of them are accurate, but I do often lie about going to Yale.

So let's say Yale. the answer is a harvard university of course of course i don't know we're deep in the algorithm of chat gpt it's scrape that little nugget but uh yeah maybe because we performed there once and there was like that's close enough good enough that's true okay good for me i did we did get to join what what did we what club did we oh the lampoon we got inducted to the lampoon so maybe that was it maybe that's it it's on my wikipedia or something did we ever talk about joining the harvard lampoon i remember like when it happened it was kind of secretive so maybe we didn't i feel like we did i think we told the story people should let us know because if we didn't,

then we should tell the story because it was very funny. It was weird. Yeah. We got low-key hazed for an hour and a half. And they also hazed Marty because I guess they started. They had us over. I'm just here to drive them to the show. You don't have to put me on my knees and yell riddles at me.

They like had us over and then we, yeah, we like moved into another room and they're all wearing like bird masks or something. And Marty is like, I'm gonna, I don't think I should be here. And they're like, no, you should. So Marty's been inducted as well. It was like that SNL sketch where Chris Farley is accidentally on a Japanese game show. Oh, yeah. I don't know what's going on. I just asked the concierge.

Yeah. Yeah, that's a good story. Let us know if we have told it before because we can tell it as best as we can recall again. Yeah. Before Jake and Amir, what was the name of the sketch comedy group jake herwitz was a part of okay there's no a the harvard sailing team oh b kids in the hall c the lonely island or d saturday night live oh my god see i think that when i did this for you it also thought you were a member of the lonely island so i'll I'll choose C, the Lonely Island.

I'm sorry. The correct answer is Harvard Sailing Team. They just really think you went to Harvard. My association with Harvard is so deep. That's so weird because it's a rival school to my real alma mater. I guess. Shout out to Billy and Adam who were actually part of the Harvard sailing team alright then I said

enough this give me some true or false questions true or false Jake Hurwitz was born in New Jersey I think it's false I think it's false it's true Jake Hurwitz has won the Webby Award for his work on Jake and Amir that's true. What part? Jake Hurwitz has won a Webby Award for his work on Jake and Amir.

That's true. That is true. Yeah. Jake Hurwitz and Amir Blumenfeld first met while working at a fast food restaurant. Oh, false, but they probably think that it's McDonald's because it's featured so heavily. So I'll say true. No, they said false. They met at college while working for College Humor.

Not true either, but okay. Jake Hurwitz has a background in music and played in a band before focusing on comedy. That's actually, that's minorly true. I did used to play in a band. True is correct. They didn't know that, though. They didn't know about Wally J. Jake Hurwitz once appeared as a guest on the WTF with Marc Maron podcast.

I wish. That's false. False. That is correct. Jake Hurwitz directed a feature film called The Fourth Dimension. I'm just going to guess true because I want it to be true. Unfortunately, it is false.

They're right about that one. Damn. And lastly, Jake Hurwitz has been involved with the writing for a television show, Adam Ruins Everything. I think that they think that's true. That's correct. You were in an episode. I was in an episode. I think. Was think that's true. That's correct.

You were in an episode. I was in an episode. I think. Was I in two? And did you improvise? I'm pretty sure I didn't. I don't think I had a very big role. It wasn't necessarily.

That's correct. Yeah. There wasn't space to do that. What was your episode of Adam Ruins Everything? I think it was about, I want to say it was about plumbing or something like that. Toilets? I was just playing a guy on a date with Haley Marie Norman who I met there and then ended up casting in Lonely and Horny. So it didn't work out best for everybody.

Yeah, I think this like date thing was like, we're on a date. And then ended up casting in Lonely and Horny. So it didn't work out best for everybody. Yeah. I think this like date thing was like we're on a date. She gets locked in the bathroom and then Adam teaches her about plumbing. Or maybe it's the other way around. And I don't know. She teaches Adam about plumbing? No, it might have been me that got locked in the bathroom and somebody taught me about plumbing. I literally have no idea.

We should watch that for our Patreon it's a great call jake and amira watch jake learns about plumbing and adam ruins everything or jake waits in a bar while hayley learns about plumbing it was such a small role hey there are no small rules you know that yeah this but this one was this was the exception that proves the rule yeah there are no small rules. You know that. Yeah. But this one was. This was the exception that proves the rule. Yeah. There are no small rules except for Jake Hurwitz's role in Adam Ruins Everything. Yeah. All right.

Pretty good AI trivia. You know, we're not there yet, but we're definitely trending closer to there. I mean, I think it's going to solve cancer. I really do. The thing knew I was on Harvard's sailing team. How do you explain that? I wonder what a Jesus in Jacksonville poem ChatGPT could write. See, that's art that you can't get from a computer, unless the computer is you.

Have we done ChatGPT poems versus us? I think we did. Yeah, it was. Well, not all ChatGPT poems. I think I like. One of the fake ones. Yeah, one of the fake it was. Well, not all ChatGPT poems. I think I like. One of the fake ones. Yeah, one of the fake ones was.

Oh, yeah, I think it was like I wrote one. There was a ChatGPT one and a real one. And unfortunately, I had asked the ChatGPT to write in the style of Mary Oliver. And it just name dropped. They like name checked Mary Oliver in the poem. Like as I walk through the same woods that Mary Oliver did and I like didn't clock it until I was reading. Classic Mary Oliver move is to like mention herself. Yeah,

exactly. In third person. Emo, she's goaded. She's absolutely goaded. All right. That's it. Thank you for listening.

Thank you for watching. Appreciate it. If you want more on our Patreon, it's Jake and Amir Watch, and potentially a new podcast called The Coys Boys, a limited run English Premier League show about soccer, life, and love.

It'll only be 40 to 60 episodes this year. That's, yeah, it's still a lot. 60, it's more than one a week. Well, yes, they're in the Europa tournament. And then also you have to think about the domestic cups. We're going to obviously watch their Carabao Cup games and their FA Cup games.

Yeah, the Carabao. I care about the Carabao. Nice! Yes! Uh-huh! Thank you for, yeah, letting us know what segments we should do next including whether or not we should talk about the fateful night we got hazed by the

Harvard Lampoon which I think makes us part of the Harvard Lampoon now yeah us and Jimmy Fallon forever alright sweet see you guys next week ciao forever. All right. Sweet. See you guys next week. Ciao. That was a Hiddem Original.