Segments - 420: Road Hand (w/Ana Nicolich!)

Episode Date: February 3, 2020

Friend and fellow Headgum podcaster Ana from Twinnovation joins us to discuss new dudes, old nudes, and using speakerphone in public. For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Yo.

Pleased to meet you, bitch. It's about to get real. Yeah. Swiping honeys on my Tinder, trying to hit that. Swiping money from my parents, getting thick cash. This foul is so nefarious, I'm getting whiplash. I'm too embarrassed to admit I got a dick rash. All alone, wishing someone would sex me. I'm trying

to catch a bone like I'm Theodore Leslie. I'm looking down the road wondering what is ahead of me. I'm searching for advice hoping someone can help me. Head gums, got that shit I need. If I Were You, the show, episodes every week. Hosted by two Hasidic bitches dripping in steez. Dispensing shitty wisdom pretending they know what it means.

Please. If I Were You, If I Were You, If I Were You Now. Come and listen to If I Were You, the podcast. If I All right. Ana, what do you think? That was amazing. I think, do you think that sounds like it would be me if I rapped? Yeah, yeah. I'd actually think that that's what I would sound like. That was actually written and recorded by a guy named Jacob Legrand.

Oh, wow. So I feel like we've said that before, the whole Jake sounds like Jake. All Jakes basically sound alike. I could see that. He says he submitted a theme song not twice, but once before, and you haven't used it, which is why I think I'm more than a little coy. It's truly a gem of me. P.S.

Give me 20 cents and I'll butt fuck you. Sweet. That's from a video. He didn't just come up with that. That's actually something Amir and I came up with. That's awesome. The reason it's so funny and interesting to say that is because we came up with

it, not because Jacobs did on his email. Anyway, Anna, thank you so much for joining us. Oh my god, thank you so much for having me. Anna, to me, you have three different last names. Yes, well... Which one do you actually go by? My full name is Anna Merida Nikolic. Okay, and my phone, you're Anna Rosenberg. Oh yeah, well that's my third one, right? Yeah, I use

different aliases depending on, you know, what grift I'm pulling at the time. But I used to really be Anna Merida. Now I'm Anna Nikolic. But maybe I'll just go back to being all three, right? You should. Okay. Drop Anna, actually. Anna Nikolic Rosenberg.

Merida is a cool first name. It is, right? I'll say that. What about just Anna? Anna, we've had your fiance on the show a bunch before. I don't know if people have tied that together. Oh, yes. Me and Dave Rosenberg are engaged. That's how we met you.

Now, I steal a lot of my jokes from Dave, and I think he steals a lot of his jokes from you. So we're finally gone straight to the source. So you are me. Yes, essentially. Oh, my gosh. On this podcast, I am you. I'm the Merida transplant. I like that. The just Anna. You're not just Dave's fiance. More importantly, you're Dave's now podcast co-host on Twinnovation, right? Yes. I can't believe it. I don't know how

I conned my way. And now I'm here. Well, he was also pitching a lot of your ideas on Twinnovation. That's definitely true. What role have your ideas on twinnovation that's definitely true what is what role have you absorbed uh on twinnovation what do you what like what space do you fill for that podcast i thought i was gonna be like the host but i'm definitely not dave is definitely the host yeah dave just took over like a dictator and made himself a host and he introduces himself first every week still that's nice um i feel like i'm just like kind of a moderator maybe like when they start going off track you bring them back a bit but what is track a lot what is your sorry are you burping man me yeah i would never you you've burped, I think, multiple times since we started.

I'm just trying to rub in the fact that I can burp. Oh, fuck off, man. What do you think is your marquee invention? What are you known for? Oh, my God. Well, I feel like I started out really strong. Once I joined, I just had like a bunch of ideas basically that I just write down anyway, ready to go. But as the weeks have gone on, I'm getting like weaker and weaker. You're phoning it in. Well, I'm not phoning it in. It's just, it's hard to come up with a new invention every week, like a legit good one.

I've been on the, I've been on like a guest on Twinnovation four times. And I think like after the second, like I have another idea. How many inventions am I supposed to have um I don't know I mean I had one a few weeks ago that was called the quacker which is just a box that makes noise so that it won't be so awkward when you go somewhere you know what I mean like no if there is just a box sitting on the table and it's like an awkward situation like you're meeting your fiance's family for the first time or something and suddenly this box just goes like like quack like and it's like what is

that and you have to just start explaining what it is and talking about it it sort of just like gives you a little um this box is like a conversation starter yeah it's just like a little colorful and mirrored box almost like a children's toy that makes noise you could just talk about it endlessly that's cool and why does it quack oh i don like a children's toy that makes noise you could just talk about it endlessly that's cool and why does it quack oh i don't know that's just that's kind of what i mean about phoning it in like i just uh that's what came to me first the idea of a box that distracts from awkward situations is good yeah make it quack why not yeah exactly and also everyone said this was actually my worst idea so i don't know why i decided to display it on this show what are you known for you said you said you specifically said

i had a lot of good ideas i'm known for my one flub a mirrored box that i can't remember any of my good ones now well i think dave is probably known for well dave is known for um i guess the no the the meat thing a meat yeah that's not mine i can't take credit for that i also think dave would be known for the uh true root which is jarred women's farts that he was mailing out that's also not mine and i'm glad that it's not yeah of course uh all right yeah let's uh Let's try to answer some questions because we don't usually have a wise female guest imparting her wisdom. It's usually just me and Jake sort of farting back and forth into each other's assholes. That's right. I don't know if you've listened to the show in a while, but it's pivoted to Smut.

Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm glad I'm here. I should say that this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the interweb hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. And I'm Ona. Nice.

Was I not supposed to jump in there? No, that was perfect. That was perfect. Sorry, guys. If there's ever like a weird lull in the conversation, we should just start quacking. Yeah. Ana's wearing a mirrored jumpsuit today. If there's ever like a weird lull in the conversation, we should just start quacking. Ana's wearing a mirror jumpsuit today. What is that?

Never an awkward silence when my suit makes all these noises. All right. We got a question from a lady. Ana, we just need to give her a fake name to preserve her anonymity. Nice. Ooh, I love that. Yeah. Effie. Effie. Yeah. Effie. Effie?

Yeah. How do you spell that? E-F-F-Y. All right. Effie writes, what up, dweebs? I'll get right to the problem. I broke up with my boyfriend five months ago, and we haven't spoken since. However, he reached out to me yesterday and said that he got logged out of his Facebook account

and wants me to resend all the photos and videos from our old Facebook Messenger conversation. What? This wouldn't really be a big deal. However, in those photos and videos, there are some nudie pics and a few videos that I don't really feel comfortable with him having anymore. When I expressed this concern to him, he said he really wants these pictures and videos because it's the only thing he finds attractive anymore and he still watches them all the time. I don't know what to do. I mean, I knew he had them all this time and I haven't really thought

anything of it. But now knowing that he still watches them all the time and it's the only thing he can get off to, it feels like I'm a porn star to him or something. The videos aren't even good, lol. Ugh, do I resend the photos because he had them before so it wouldn't be any different or can I just not send it to him and blue ball this guy forever? For some context, me and this guy dated for about a year

and didn't end up on the worst terms, but the breakup was definitely one-sided. He tried to get back quite a few times, so would sending these pictures and videos be leading him on or would it just be a nice thing to do? Thanks. Love, Effie. What? Oh my god. What? First of all, you know that this girl is super young, like possibly an actual teenager,

like just from the fact that she's even questioning if she should send this ex-boyfriend her nudes she can't be that young because she's on facebook that's an old person platform yeah that's true um i mean obviously the answer is just an outright of course not right yeah i mean that is the huevos on the guy to even ask yeah for like and to be like hey like i've lost our whole conversation resend it to me like maybe that's like your ploy hoping that she doesn't notice exactly but then once she's like well i don't want to send you the whole thing there's some news she's like well actually that's the only thing i wanted i actually jerk off to them every day uh the lie is fully revealed yeah and now he's like still he's like all right so yeah i'm just gonna come clean i specifically want the nudes because i specifically need to jerk off to them yeah and

she's considering this is a lie do you think this is a lie just to get back into her good graces i mean it seems like he could just reset his password but he's like i don't want to like go through the whole ordeal of thinking about an eight alphanumeric thing just send me the news yeah it is weird that he why does he want right i don't know my mother's maiden name how would i ever get back into my facebook now that is so weird i would actually think that this guy is creepy and a stalker at this point because five months ago yes and like if he's specifically saying that he wants the photos because he's not over you and like in a kind of not just like a i miss you way but almost like a gross way yeah uh i still need you to i need these to jack off yeah

uh is it's a it's a bridge too far i feel like it's too far he asked because he knew she was the type of person that would even consider it yeah otherwise it would be a no-go not only is she considering it she's considering it enough that she wrote in about it to you guys and she almost like defensive like or should i do it or do i have to give him blue balls yeah like yeah would it be a nice thing balls yeah just to not give him the old photos of you It's not blue balls. Yeah. Just to not give him the old photos of you. That's not blue balls. She owes him a little bit maybe is like the implication. It would be nice.

Yeah, you would owe him nothing for sure. I think he's just trying to like reopen up a conversation with her. And he's like, this is his like weird, drunken, flirtatious way of doing it. Being like, I can't get our nudes. I miss us. Do you have the videos? Just send it to me. If you don't have it, maybe send a new one.

I mean, if this is his game, like, if even looking at it from every possible angle, like, the absolute worst is that he's kind of a scumbag who's, like, specifically just asking for old nude photos because he, like, can't get over it. And he's, like, kind of, I don't know just like an uh a grieved stalker that's absolute worst case scenario best case scenario which is what you're saying is that like he's trying to just keep the door open this is the worst attempt at flirting i've ever seen yeah so he's bad at that too exactly and also i don't like that we're trying to make this seem sweet somehow. Like, this isn't flirty. This isn't like an olive branch.

This is like a pervy, like asking for someone's nudes. How does she trust that? Like, he's just going to like sweetly keep these for his own like pleasure anyway. It's like. Right. Easy. She just asked him to promise. I mean, why doesn't she just give him her Facebook password?

That way she's not resending it. It's just letting him have carte blanche access to her messages and information, etc. That way he can post on the wall. He can respond to the messages. And then he can sort of snoop to see if she's sent the nudes or videos to anybody else, which he sort of deserves as the ex-boyfriend. He could keep an eye on her goings about, et cetera, et cetera. But also if this is like- He can keep a spy on her. Directly.

If this is his like fat material, he logs onto Facebook every time he wants to look at these. Like I'm surprised he didn't save them already like to his own device that's just a that's that's a that's a mistake yeah he dropped the ball there yeah like she was she chalked up these nudes to like you know that's that's just like that's lost that's that's a lost cause he's got them already but now he's like okay so here's the thing the nudes that you thought that i had that you thought that I had that you were maybe like, gonna just have to be okay with, I don't have them, which is like, that's good. So wow, my ex doesn't have all these nudes. That's a good thing. I've dodged a bullet. He's

like, no, so actually, your ex should really have the nudes. It would be the nice thing to do. It's a bank robber that's like uh when i ran out of here with a bag of cash i like i think i dropped you guys have my wallet and i think i left my phone too i went through all the trouble and i actually feel really sad that i didn't get to rob this bank anymore i feel like i left my sunglasses yeah do you see them anywhere hold on something to remember you by so i just want the cash i fap to the cash so i think the unanimous advice is to not send him whether he fucked up he's flirting he's stupid in his own way you don't deserve or he doesn't deserve to have the photos he deserves varying levels of scorn that we've given him

from calling him an aggrieved stalker bad guy to a hopeless romantic jackass. But none of them are good. None of it's a free pass. None of it deserves the nudes again. Certainly not. You can send him just a screenshot of a few PG-rated text messages just to piss him off. He's just taking his laptop to the genius bar, to the nerd counter at Best Buy.

The next question is, hey, so I lost my Facebook password. My girlfriend won't send me back all of the nudes. What should I do? Actually, the next question is kind of horny related. So do you guys have a guy's name that we can call this hornball? Horny guy's name, Anna? Jimbo. Classic.

It's funny how close you are to the actual name. But anyway, good guess. The last one was Eva instead of Effie. And this one is Jim No. And you guessed Jimbo. I can't fucking believe it. Oh, my God. All right.

Jimbo writes, greetings, nerds. I'm a bit of a moral dilemma that I think I need your guidance. I was going to say, they're all bullying you guys right out the gate. Thanks for being here and standing up for us because we usually take that shit. Farting into each other's dicks. Greetings, nerds. I'm in a bit of a moral dilemma and I think I need your guidance. The other day I was driving home from work at night, which is approximately 45 minutes.

And while driving, I suddenly became horny and wanted to jack off. I forgot my Facebook password. And while driving, I suddenly became horny and wanted to jack off. Oh, my God. I forgot my Facebook password. So I decided in that moment to start playing a little five-on-one. Nice. Oh, I get it. While driving at 100 kmph. That's dangerous.

That's right, 60 miles per hour. Oh, my God. Even loading up some porn on my phone to have an occasional glance. I would be inclined to not do it again, but it was honestly the best orgasm I've ever given myself. Like, I actually screamed and moaned as I came,

whereas normally I'm the silent type. So my question is, is this bad? If no one sees me choking the chicken, it won't hurt them, right? Also, have you ever stroked your snake in a weird, unique, dangerous way? That question is for all of us. Five on one. Oh, my God.

Okay. This guy got road hand. Road hand is a really good episode title, man. Nice. Consider it dumb wow i mean i think this guy just needs to like obviously he's into like risk taking he should just like choke himself like in uh on land like not in a car not behind the wheel of a car this is the first time a guest has come on the show and given the advice to choke yourself you're jerking off. Auto erotic asphyxiation

instead of auto erotic asphyxiation. Oh, wow. Ejaculation. Wow. That was amazing. It took some time, but if you wrote that down,

that would work. Do you guys think this is illegal? Yes. A hundred percent. Yes. If you got pulled over doing this, you would get arrested. What's the law?

What do you think the law says? Well, it's illegal to use your phone while you're driving. So it's definitely illegal to watch porn on your phone. Like that alone. What if you're just J-ing O? Just masturbating and driving has to be illegal. It's distracted driving. Picture like the station wagon full of kids like driving right by seeing this like furiously jerking off like guy like oh yeah who's

also public is it public exposure yeah indecent exposure yeah it's definitely it it's that that's for sure for sure at least i think it's also you can't drive without pants on yeah you can't i mean you can't be nude in public so that's your, I don't think, is private unless the windows are super tinted. Yeah. In which case you can do whatever the hell you want. You think he used, Jake, you think he used your Gatorade bottle technique? I pee into a Gatorade bottle, Anna. Oh, okay.

So I will whip my dick out on the road. I've done it on the highway. That's true. That's probably minorly illegal or fully illegal. Yeah, because you're exposing yourself to the station wagon full of kids. That's true. Yeah. And I do a lot of carpooling.

It was the Uber pool he was driving to. So this guy jerked off into a Soylent bottle, we can assume. I guess I didn't think about what he would jerk off into. I imagine if you've got the gall to do this, he's just J-O onto his pants. Well, I was really fascinated by the detail that he screamed when he came. Yeah, he screamed. It's like making noises alone in your car, jerking off. I think it's such an orgasm that you're like, oh!

Oh, my God! The truck going by. On the Autobahn. Oh, I'm coming! Driving past a family that's visiting the Grand Canyon for the first time. I actually just got a car with Apple CarPlay. Yeah. So I can put any video on that monitor I want, whether it be porn or Waze.

You can put video on that monitor? My car has Apple CarPlay. Yeah, it's just like specifically approved apps like map software. But I can sort of hack it to go to a road that looks like a tit. Right. That way I can still sort of get off. If you drive near a movie theater, they'll give you like an ad on Waze for like a Catherine Zeta-Jones flick.

Oh, that's cool. Say no more. I don't know why the hottest actress I could think of in the moment. Catherine Zeta-Jones. who's hotter than zeta also he said no if they can't if people can't see me jerking it's no harm done which like we're partially upset by this because people clearly could see you yeah people definitely could see you if you got pulled over in the middle of this, it would definitely be a problem. And it's just like, you know, have some, give the road some respect. Like this is, you know what I mean?

Respect the road. You've got some beautiful highways in this country and this is not what they're supposed to be used for. Yeah. Well, this, and this guy also, you could definitely get into an accident. Yeah. It's 100% dangerous. Oh my God. Imagine that's what you're known for he died with his pants down with porn uh like the paramedics coming and finding your like wrecked

body that's a good enough reason not to like just imagine your dick scraping against the pavement i'll keep you thrown through your windshield yeah there's the the autopsy is just like why were his pants undone why was his dick out what's the last thing his phone was doing oh he had loaded up porn hub yeah and he ejaculated at the time of death yeah what is what is your obituary at least my best friend died getting road dome it really would what a fucking thrill though to be like through the windshield, like about to land on the pavement and coming at the same time. Oh, my God. Could you picture? Inception style.

Yeah. Just your orgasm as you're flying through the air, 100 miles per hour. Hyper slow-mo. Yeah. All right. Don't do it. Don't do this. It's dangerous and weird and amoral.

But I'll give, you know, you got to give an alternative. So he doesn't, he shouldn't jerk off while he's driving, but maybe pull over. If your thing is just in the car, like, I'm so horny, I have to jerk off right now. Maybe you just pull over and you can watch porn there. It's a little, and I think you could be a little private. Just have a little towel. I think he was into the danger you think he was into the car factor or like that's you're like you can do it in the car just don't be driving it's like do it in the driveway in your garage it's the car i

think it's the risk right but there's a there's still a tiny risk uh like if you're on the high side of the road it's like maybe he's into the voyeuristic public thing yeah which i think is also a little problematic, but less problematic. Then it's also illegal. Yeah. If you're into the illegal aspect, doing it in your car on the side of the road in like sort of like a, you know, he's not like a full on voyeur, like jerking off looking in other cars. I think that's super bad. Right.

But he shouldn't jerk off while he's driving because that's dangerous but i think he can jerk off on the side of the road if he's into sort of like a spontaneous uh thing i don't know i imagine you two are the parents scolding a 16 year old boy i mean he can jerk off on the side of the road cheryl i just don't want him to be driving yeah yeah exactly you have to do it Brian what was this guy's name Jimbo pull over that's all we're saying Jim listen I've had my fair share of jerking off on an airplane trying to get off while going through the speed of sound I mean we've all been there Cheryl what this? This is us in the hospital. We're just happy you're okay, Jimmy. We knew you were going to jerk off in the car.

We just want you to be safe about it. That's all. Oh, my God. Wear a condom. Oh, man. Imagine like fucking an airbag like as it deploys. That's enough. Break your day.

You're describing the movie Crash. I'm scaring him straight is what i'm doing just yeah what's something else that like he could sit in and that would like risk his life while jerking maybe what about vr oh i mean what about vr that's so your vr sort of rad racing yeah like mario kart track oh i thought we were talking about vr porn so you're vr sort of rad racing yeah mario part track oh i thought we were talking about vr porn so you're just being like he should just do a vr racing game and masturbate that's kind of interesting yeah that is interesting he should do that so you're racing but sitting on a fleshlight yeah that works yeah i don't hit that it checks out okay uh okay let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors that are fucking left after this deviant-ass half of a podcast episode.

And we'll be back with more questions and answers with Anna after this. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings and we are back Anna do you have any any advice I would have would be unsolicited because no one has ever asked me for advice.

We were asking you, so now it's solicited. I mean, I was talking to you earlier, Jake. I have one, but I'm scared to do it now. I don't want to be a bully and I feel uncomfortable with it. What was it? Should I do it? Yeah, you should do it. Will you edit it out if it sounds too mean or no?

It's too late. I'm already keeping it in. I have so many, but I don't know. I always have to go here. It's like the quacker. But okay, ready? You should stop making John Mayer's Instagram personality acceptable. Like stop making that okay for him to do.

Me personally? Yeah, you personally. And you. What the hell have I done? What did I do Me personally? Yeah, you personally. And you. What the hell have I done? What did I do? I just think, you know what? Like, he's not funny. Everyone thinks, oh, he's so, he's like the voice of the people.

Like, he's so hilarious. Like, he's commenting on everything. Comments by celebs. Like, enough. Enough. It's not funny. You want to take away John Mayer's Instagram presence. I want everyone to be like, John Mayer?

You mean like the guy that sings Your Body is a Wonderland? Like, why would I care about what he's writing on Instagram? Right? I love John Mayer. Oh, my God. See, you're turning on me. No, I can't. See, let's talk about something else.

Don't talk on speakerphone in public. Jake loves that too. What are you talking about? That's also really rude and unacceptable. Almost as unacceptable as John Mayer's Instagram comments. Don't talk on speakerphones in public. Yeah. Yeah.

That is rude. That's psychotic. Why is that ruder than having a conversation in public on Yeah. Yeah. That is rude. That's psychotic. Why is that ruder than having a conversation in public on its face? Because a speakerphone is so loud, you don't want to hear the other side of a conversation. You don't want to hear any side of the conversation, not even the first side. Right. Yeah. I would agree with you. well so you're we're talking too about like i think it's easy to tune out a conversation when it's just one person it's not easy to tune it out when there's just like a back and forth yeah going and and i'm also thinking like people like on the train or

people like sitting in a coffee shop or something people like walking around i don't necessarily mind yeah i mean if it's just in passing, I guess, yeah, that's fine. But oh my God, like waiting in line at the store, someone in front of you is having like a conversation on speakerphone. Like, are you serious? I feel like, why don't you just like start flossing or like watching a, take out a full screen television and start watching something on full blast. Yeah.

I think doing anything without headphones on your phone is rude. It's rude. I've been around people just like watching a video on their phone. Like this is insane. Yeah. You can't, you're, you're accosting my space. Yes, exactly. But is it any louder than a conversation? Like if two people are talking next to you, why is it worse than if one person is talking on the phone next to you?

I don't know, but I just know that it is. I know in my gut that it bothers me more to hear someone talking on speakerphone than to just hear someone. Also, there's ways to talk on the phone that are more discreet and quiet. If I'm in public, I'll be like, hey, yeah, I'm in the supermarket right now. But it's unnatural is what it is and it also shows a lack of thanks it's a lack of like giving a shit about the people around you exactly so it's not i think it's not necessarily like the the like the act like the type of conversations or whatever it's the type of person who thinks that a speakerphone conversation in a coffee shop is a normal thing is going to be inclined to have a bad conversation.

Exactly. You saying, I'm in the supermarket, hi, like whatever. Yeah. You're the kind of person that I would listen to the speakerphone conversation. Right. Because you're a normal person. Yes. Somebody who's just like, oh, yeah, we can talk speakerphone conversation because you're a normal person. Yes. Somebody who's just like,

oh yeah, we can talk speakerphone style. That's insane. Yeah, no self-awareness. It's too much for me. What if I'm next to you at like a restaurant and I'm like full blast listening to John Mayer's Instagram? And I'm having a ball obviously because he's the man quite quite frankly, and really funny.

And you're looking over at me. Are you saying something? So you're having a conversation with John Mayer's Instagram? Yeah, so I'm talking. He can't respond because it's prerecorded, of course. Why are we even going through that? So you're just sitting by yourself talking about how great John Mayer's Instagram is.

All right. Separate question. Are you confronting people about this? Are you the type of lady that says, can you get off your phone? Oh, no. I dream of being that kind of person. And I like to think of myself as that kind of person. But ultimately, I'm a fucking coward. I would never call someone out for fear that they would attack me. And by the way, no one attack me who's listening to this. Like anyone that's listening to this, like I can't take bullying. If you think I'm annoying, you think I'm not funny. Just like turn the other way. Like ignore me.

I won't be on the next episode. Like just please don't bully me. Please, please. Just begging people not to call you out. Yeah. It's a very funny way to start every podcast. I can't take it. By the way, I know I'm broadcasting myself, but I do have thin skin, so not even a constructive level of criticism.

I can't handle it. Don't worry. I won't be here next week. Anything you say won't have an effect going forward. I'm gone. I'm going to evasion. Everything you say can and will be used against me and my psyche. I can't handle it.

Please stop. Enough. Yeah. Definitely like the most sensitive, weakest person you've probably ever had on your podcast. You don't come across as sensitive or weak. You come across as- I just start crying. You're strong in your resolve, or at the very least, that's the persona you put out there.

You're confident in your weakness, which is interesting. Oh, God. Thank you so much. Jake, did you have any unsolicited you want to talk about, or that's pretty good? I mean, that's pretty solid. We've got three pieces of advice here. We have neuter John Mayer's Instagram, don't have speakerphone conversations and leave Anna alone. We got a question from a croc thief. I know Jake loves his crocs, so this one probably really rang true for him. This one speaks to me.

I don't know if you have crocs at your house, but I've got office crocs here. I think that was actually unsolicited advice from me a few weeks ago. Get yourself some office Crocs. To have Crocs. I've got House Ufos. What are those? They are recovery sandals. Oh, right.

Oh, yeah. Your feet. That's right. I'm wearing a shoe. The boot is gone. The boot's gone. Cool. Yeah.

How is your foot nowadays? I'll tell you one quick, sweet little anecdote about my foot. The part of my cut was like a little sensitive and tender and hard to the touch and i was like i wonder if um like i wonder if this is like where the screw is because it was so like sensitive and then i like squeezed it and a huge ball of pus popped out oh my god awesome wow it's like so much more satisfying than a zit because it was like thicker, pussier, and is not going to be like a blemish on my face anymore.

It was awesome. You could really go for something like that. Yeah, it was so great. It was great. Wow. But aside from that, foot feels fine. That's awesome. I didn't know there was a screw in there. There's a screw in my toe, yeah. Two of them, I think. I wouldn't have taken you for a croc, man. Yeah. I didn't know there was a screw in there. There's a screw in my toe. Yeah.

Two of them, I think. I wouldn't have taken you for a croc, man. Yeah. Well, I'm surprising in a lot of ways. I'm a major croc head. Wow. I'm a croc fiend. I love this shit.

It's because my feet hurt, or used to. Now my feet feel great. Maybe I'll get rid of them. After the puss screw. But I really do i like i like uh i don't like crocs per se i just like the i love comfort i love feeling like like completely uh comfortable i feel that don't let don't don't let anna bully you you can say what you really think about crocs okay crocs also look cool no they do not i feel like all right

everyone get on up i don't run instagram you heard her bully her she must be bullied i know i'm slowly realizing it's like wait now they're just gonna bully me more well no now we've like called for it in a weird way so if they say anything mean you will know like oh they did exactly what i wanted them to right oh yeah it's all about the mental gymnastics that we do on ourselves to to protect our ego yeah yeah jedi mind trick so all right we need a name of someone that could be either a lady or a dude because i'm not really sure cool unise Alistair. That's such a guy's name. No, because it's Alistair. Oh, Alistair.

Yeah. So you're like, wait, what did you say? And it's too late. They're gone already. Okay. I'm a 25. I should have read literally the first five words of this question, which is I'm a 24-year-old girl from Canada. I need your help.

Alistair writes, I'm currently in my master's at university and I'm living with my cousin and his friend. I'm in the same house that I lived in my undergrad. One of my friends from university left his pair of custom Crocs at my house two years ago. And my cousin's friend, let's call him Tyler, moved in shortly thereafter. Since he moved in, he started wearing my friend's Crocs around the house. I asked him about a year ago if the Crocs were his, and he said yes, even though they're not. But a couple weeks ago, my friend came over, saw his Crocs, they're very distinct, they have a different colored back and an NHL team logo on them, of course, and took them home when he left.

The next week, my roommate Tyler sent me a message asking where his Crocs were. When I said I didn't know, he said that they are his dad's Crocs and that he has a sentimental value attached to them. Then he basically accused me of stealing them because there are only three of us in the house and I'm the only one who he thinks would take, who he thinks would take them.

I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so awkward being at home because he wants me to just give back his Crocs. Do I explain how they aren't his? Do I offer to replace them? Do I offer to replace my friend's Crocs and give Tyler back these? This is such a strange situation

that I got placed in the middle of. Help! Oh my God. I'll tell you, I have have one i have a piece of advice just in general that this conversation reminds me of that like anytime you you like want to help someone come clean by like asking a question like are those your crocs like just don't because then they will lie right and then it like gets you deeper in than you intended. Yeah. Like you have to, if you're like, I know these aren't your Crocs, like there's got,

there's a better way because they'll disappoint you. Exactly. If you're like, are those your Crocs? They won't be like, oh no, I found them. Exactly. They'll just say yes. At that point, you have to lean into the lie because what are you going to say? Oh no, they're not mine.

I just, I just took them. But how could he have sentimental value attached to crocs that were not his i don't know was your father like fucking mario batale like i don't understand how could you have sentimental crocs it was yeah it's actually mario batale's daughter writing i could see that i will also like for him to accuse you you could kind of just be like i feel like you can extract yourself from this situation by just being like i don't know what to tell you i didn't take the crocs yeah and like that's it and also just really express how ridiculous and disinterested you are the entire thing like be like are you serious like you're accusing me of taking your crocs right Right. Like, double down at that.

That's true. That's true. Yeah, you can lash out. Yeah. If you guys were in this exact situation, what would you do? Get new roommates. I would. You would move out.

Yeah. I would just be like, hey, starting a text thread between you guys. So and so, these, you say these were your Crocs, so-and-so, you say they belong to your dad, sort it out, and then I would leave the text thread. Oh, okay. That's grown up. I like that.

Yeah. I don't think you can leave a text thread with only three people on it. Oh, really? Jeff Rosenberg started a huge group chat text message thread for his birthday with like 17 numbers. I didn't know. And then left.

So I think it was one of the most egregiously obnoxious things you could, I hate a group thread. That's like an invite where you like, don't know everybody. Right. Insane. No one should do that. No,

I totally agree. Then you're getting all the other responses for just the numbers. You don't know. Oh, it's awful. It's so bad, but then you, you can leave it as well. Yeah. No one should do that. No, I totally agree. Then you're getting all the other responses for just the numbers you don't know. Oh, it's awful. It's so bad. But then you can leave it as well, I think, as long as there's more than two people left. Then I don't want to go to dinner with like 12 people who I just like, oh yeah, you're the guy that left the threat, right?

Yeah, that's right. I'm Mario Batali's son. I think on his instinct to be like above the fray on this is like, so right. Like you're not, think of where you are. You're like,

you're in this like whirlwind of like, whose Crocs are whose. Yeah. Getting accused of stealing Crocs. Yeah. You could totally just be like, hey, I don't care.

You guys are children. Yeah. This is insane. Yeah. You're arguing over Crocs. Exactly. I'm going to like, I'll throw out all the information i

know have at it yeah don't involve me in this yeah people have real problems like i have other things to do with my day than like fight about these crocs with you that's a good that you start the text thread and then you're like also here's some charities that you guys consider giving to i guess you learn something new every day. People have sentimental Crocs. Sentimental Crocs that never belonged to you to begin with. Yeah. At what point did these Crocs,

after a year, take on so much sentimental value that they were like, at first found Crocs, then they're my Crocs, and then actually they're family heirloom Crocs. Yeah, what? These are legacy Crocs that were handed to me by my father. then they're my crocs and then actually they're their family heirloom crocs yeah what these are legacy crocs that were handed to me by my father yeah oh my god yeah you rarely hear things that are that have sentimental value to two people that don't know each other yeah also it's weird

that they both care so much about them like hypothetically if I had a pair of, like, little shitty plastic sandals, and then one of my... You're talking about Crocs. That's what they are. And then one of my roommates or whatever, like, stole them. I would just be like... And then, like, went so far as to be willing to lie and be like, these are my dad's. Like, these are important to me. It's like, he clearly needs these more than I. Right. That's true. I lost a pair of Crocs once. A pair of Crocs of mine were stolen from me. Okay. Yeah. And it does, it hurts. It stinks. You wrote this question. I brought a pair of Crocs to the beach and I went back and you leave your shoes by the boardwalk. I went back and they were gone also what the hell is a custom croc

like did it have like clips on it like you put little clips in the holes they describe the custom crocs right it wasn't custom as like made

specifically for this person it was just like there was like an NHL team on them or something so not necessarily custom but like were yours custom

no they were just navy blue oh now I've got the beige outside and those are real choice oh the beige give me a grayish crock what that's right half gray half beige all crock what colorway are those crocks those are must crock you wanted them to blend with the leg it's a must croc blend with the leg a hairy pale beige croc that would be a cool fucking custom croc nude crocs yeah that have like toenails painted on it looks like your foot wow caveman crocs get me save it for twinnovation that's actually true you could do uh like hobbit

crocs frodo style crocs yes yeah little fur on the top yeah bring back crocsbit crocs, Frodo style crocs. Yes. With a little fur on the top. Yeah. Bring back crocs. Like crocs is sort of another moment. I think Jake is desperately trying to. That is true. They're like clogs. They're like wooden clogs that are plastic.

That are plastic. But they're like, they're very lightweight. They're very, I implore you to try on my crocs. Could you run in them? If you had to. Wow. They have the strap, which is really nice. You can slip into them just like slippers.

But then if you're going to go on a distance, you fold back the... You activate them. Yeah, you fold back the strap. You could probably... I mean, I don't think you could haul ass, but you could jog. You could catch a... You wouldn't want to, but you could catch. You could catch a, I don't know, you wouldn't want to, but you could catch a train or something in them.

Okay. I tend to not want to go outside in my Crocs. I don't have, my Crocs are for inside. Okay. They're like indoor sandals. Yeah. If you're running in your Crocs, something went terrible. Sprinting in a Croc.

Right. Yeah. Well, you're running away from somebody who thinks those crocks belong to them. Get back here with my father's crocks. Yeah, oh my God. Yeah, when would you ever be running in crocks? I don't know why that was my... To protect them.

To protect the crocks. We must protect the crock. All right, Ana, we talked a little bit about Twinnovation, but why don't you give us a hard sell? What do you have to promote? It can be this podcast, but it doesn't have to be. Oh, wow.

Well, Twinnovation is all I have. So I definitely am going to go with promoting Twinnovation. By a fluke, I ended up as a member of Twinnovation. It's a podcast that I do with my fiance, David, and his brother, I want to say Jim Rosenberg. Jimbo. John Rosenberg. And it's the three of us. We talk about inventions.

And schemes. Don't forget the schemes. We have schemes. We have dreams. We argue. We bicker. We go off course. It's a whole lot of fun.

It's a blast. Twinnovation's been one of our favorite shows for a long time. And I'm glad that it has new blood a it's a whole lot of fun it's a blast innovation's been one of our favorite shows for a long time and i'm glad that it has new blood and there's it's got a new lease on life thank you so people should people should definitely give it a chance if they if they used to listen they should come back yes absolutely oh yeah we've got a lot going on over there and where can people find you on soch anna nikolich that's a n a nikolich on instagram and but we might go just anna we might just go ana we'll see if anyone has that oh that's cool someone did someone had it as a completely empty account with no posts on it for the longest time where is it

now i think someone actually snatched it up damn damn is i really i want amir has at amir and i really want at jake but the guy that has at jake does some shit really yeah he's he's active that's amazing that you have just a mirror yeah thank you i was uh how do you feel about it was exciting at the time and it's only aged gracefully the fact that it's me to have it that way is not only a highlight of my life, it's actually a highlight of yours. It is. It's something to aspire to. In actuality, it was like a friend of mine who worked at Facebook that's like,

you know, I could probably give you this account name because the guy who's using it is like, has stopped using it years ago, so it's legally back into our possession. Whoa! Oh, that's so cool! I stole it. That's amazing. All right.

The opening theme song was written by Jacob Legrand. This closing one wants to be anonymous, so thank you, anonymous blues writing man. That's cool. Very cool. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. We got more stuff on our Patreon,

more If I Were You episodes, more Jake and Amir Watch episodes. We just posted this week my speech at Jake's wedding. Ana, have you seen that? Ana was there. Yes, I saw it live, and I did see you talking about that. That was an amazing speech.

Thankfully, Mars super producer Marissa recorded it without our permission. And then we're like, this is great. Subtitle it for us, please. I can sell the greatest day of my life, I think. And then we also got, we have new episodes with Finn Wolfhard coming out there this week or next. That's right. So check out all that stuff at patreon.com slash JA. Anna, thank you again for coming by.

Thank you. This was amazing. You were amazing. Wow. That's the nicest thing he's said to anyone, not even a guest. Just anyone. Sorry, I'm stirring up John Mayer's Instagram. I'm DMing John Mayer telling him he said he sucks maybe he'll finally come on our podcast and defend himself now uh we'll be back next week bye everybody

say you got the blue those watery eyes well if I were you Here's my last ditch advice You know this won't help It'll only make it worse But Starbucks is close And I've prearranged the hearse

So you do you. If I were you, show at gmail.com.