Segments - 421: Thick Chicken (w/Geoff and Reilly!)

Episode Date: February 10, 2020

Newest Headgum podcasters Geoffrey James and Reilly Anspaugh are in the studio to discuss Twitter names, career advice, and eating food like an adult.And for more, check out Geoff and Reilly's new podcast Review Revue on Headgum!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. You say you should come back up to my room Cause my boyfriend is out of town

And I wanna blow you. I'll say, you should get a second opinion. Do you know of any if I chose? Cause there's this one that I know. And I said, what about the F.I. will you show? She said, I think I remember those two. And as I recall, I think The kid guy is real hot and I said, well, that Amir guy seems nice. That Amir guy seems nice.

That's the nicest thing anyone's never said about me. Yeah, a lot of them usually are like insulting to you. Right. Complimentary to Jake. And that one is just sort of neutral about me. He seems nice. Haven't met him and don't care to, but he seems fine. He can assume I'm nice.

That was Luke Caruana, pronounced like marijuana, but with a C-A instead. That's really cool. That was Neutral Milk Hotel to you. And he is from Australia. And he does want to give a shout-out to his brother, Justin, that coy boy. Oh, Justin. So thanks, Luke.

And thanks, Jeff and Riley, for coming in today when Jake did not. That's right. Took two bodies to replace one. That's Riley's clapping. Jeff is sort of pissed. We made, like, this is what the plan has been from the beginning.

Well, yeah. No? Well, it was an eventual takeover. We got one down, one to go. We got one down. By the end of this, you should be out of the room, by the way. I don't think so. I'm sort of guiding the conversation along.

Right. Usually Jake's here, but he's in New York right now. I figured since he can't make it, I should replace him not with one person, but with two. So that's why Jeff and Riley are here. We're sort of both equal to half a Jake. Yeah, that's fair. And this is the second, only the second episode ever without Jake and I both on it.

What's the other one? Really? It was when Jake I think was sick or traveling and I went to Ben's house and recorded him there. And then I was ill under the weather and Ben was kind of mad at me the entire time. This is the second episode without one of you on it? Yeah. I'm hoping the next one will be

him with some people in New York and then I won't be on it. Just so you can have a week off. Yeah, I can take a week off. That's crazy. Wait, and how many years have you guys been doing this? Almost six. Jesus. Yeah.

Wow. It's impressive, but then it's kind of, like, sad. Yeah, no, it's, like, probably more sad than impressive. Like, I've never had, like, one thing to do. Right. Yeah. In all this time, you've been the man who's here. Like, I've never had like one thing to do. Right. Yeah. All this time you've been the man who's here. Like I've never been busy for two weeks straight. Yeah. That's fucked. Can I ask you

something? Yeah. I mean don't cut this even if you're uncomfortable with the question. Yeah I'm already like sad. Ad wise how much money do you make per episode? Oh god. I don't feel comfortable answering that but like yeah we have some advertisers. That's fine but we're on air so. I know that's why I don't feel like I mean we have thankfully shout, but we're on air. I know. That's why I don't feel. I mean, we have, thankfully, shout out to Gumball.

We have advertisers and it's good to monetize your art as much as possible. Totally. Without sacrificing. So how much? I mean, because I've done the math on the Patreon. You're making over $100,000, no? Yeah. No, we make $211,000 a month. Right, right, right. So close to two and a half million a year. Two and a half million, no? Yeah. No, we make $211,000 a month. Right, right, right.

So close to $2.5 million a year. $2.5 million a year. That's a lot of money. Yeah. I guess so, yeah. I mean, that paid for the place in Bel Air and the place in San Diego. Yeah, you don't need both, by the way. You really don't need both.

Yeah. Just a summer. Summer. A hundred miles south. A summer in San Diego? What do you do in San Diego in the summer? Zoo. Zoo.

Beach. Beach. You're just saying what she says. But you actually do. The zoo is actually a beach and vice versa. No. I'll tell you why.

The beach is a zoo in the summer, let me tell you. In San Diego? Yeah, there's flamingos everywhere. A caged walrus for no reason. Well, thank you guys for coming on the show. I appreciate it.

I'm sure Jake does too. Yeah, we'd like to hear from him. Maybe we we can call him we can call him in the second half or something check in on like what he's doing with his hour hour and a half while we're in here thank you for having us this is the first time i've been on for a real full-length episode where like it's not like the first time i was on was with all the interns and I got like a little snippet. And then I was on a Patreon one. That's right. This is like first time full app.

No Jake. I'm here to stay. Jake is gone forever. And Jeff and I are taking over the show forever. That's really cool. That's really cool. Yeah. That's awesome actually.

That actually makes more sense than me and Jake hosting the show. It's just like me, Jeff, Riley. Suddenly, I'm not here. Jeff and Riley are hosting the show. We're hosting two shows. I still pocket the cash in terms of, oh, that's right. This is your first show as a head gum podcasting duo. Yeah.

Yeah. Why are you mad about that? No, I'm not mad about it. Why are you mad? It's just like fucking hell yeah, actually. Fucking hell yeah. I'm actually stoked. Because the issue is, and we were talking about this right before, is that

we haven't gotten any ads. That's why I asked earlier. You've had a podcast for nine days. Yeah. These things take time. I've had one for six years, I'm telling you, and I make what, $290,000, $350,000 a month. A lot of money. Yeah, that's close to $4 million a year. That way I have the place in Bel Air, the place in San Diego, and the place in Pebble Beach.

Pebble Beach, that's in San Diego. and the place in Pebble Beach. Pebble Beach? That's in San Diego. No, it's in Florida Cal. Northern California. And that's actually a timeshare. Because, as I said earlier, I'm only making $412,000. Well, it's only almost $4 million a year. And that's with the other two properties.

Why don't you invest? I don't need to invest. I need to out-vest. That's right. I wear more vests than my competition. Everyone else combined. What do you mean competition? You two.

You two are my enemies. Mortal and immortal. Well, thank you for having us on. What is your podcast? You guys could talk about it a little bit. Mefri? It's called Review Review. We take reviews from the farthest reaches of the internet. Yelp, TripAdvisor, Google Reviews, Amazon Reviews, Product Reviews.

What have yous. And we do improv on the bish. Nice. And talk about our own experiences. Yeah. From time to time. I mean, I don't like to share too much information, but yeah. Would you say your life is an open book?

Yeah. I mean, ask me anything. Okay. What's your phone number? 440- That was- No delay. Last time you cried. Let me think about this for a second.

Oh, last Sunday. That's cool. When Kobe Bryant died. That's nice. Okay. So you say you don't like to open up, but you just not only gave your personal information. Because it's not on review, review. I said on review, review, and I don't like giving personal information.

What's the first time you cried? The first time I cried? Probably the day I was born, right? I don't know. Fucking idiot. I don't fucking know. I wasn't there. I was in fifth grade.

I can't take the day off learning about geography. Why the fuck would I be at your birth when I was in social studies? Yeah, I'm learning about explorers of California and the El Camino Real. You can take a day off, by the way. That's not, the stakes are low in fifth grade. Sorry, I got to go to Cleveland to see this fucking baby be born. Yeah, I think he was in Mayfield Heights. I don't think so.

Crying. That doesn't make sense. So that's Review Review. This is If I Were You, the only advice show on the web hosted by me, Jeff, and Riley. Thanks so much for listening. Got some real questions here from real people. Going to give them fake names you guys can alternate just to preserve their anonymity. Oh, that's a good one to

start off with. This one is interesting. This one's very apropos, actually. Jeff, do you have a fake man's name? Evanesce. Sorry. Now is it Evanesce? Evanescence Jordache. Evanescence

Jordache? Evanescence Jordache? No, it's like the pop punk band Evanescence. Yeah. Jordache. He's a Jordan, but he has kind of a tooth or ear ache. Okay. Evanescence Jordache writes, Dear guys and possibly a guest,

I'm in the market to change my Twitter username. Since Amir recently did the old switch up, I'd like some advice in this field. If you guys could give any of your sweet suggestions, that'd be more than fine. It'll be okay. Should I go hobby, job, a pun? I would prefer not to go with my name since it's really long and hard to spell out

evidently evanescence jordy all the best evanescence jordy all right uh twitter usernames what's yours mine i'm really really proud of is riley coyote pun r-e-i-l-e coyote so you want pun i went pun i went reference i went i love um looney tunes character i love cartoon so i went with that um jeffrey what's yours don't play no james another pun yeah two right there right off the bat we love pun yeah um what would like what would i guess a job twitter name be if you're not representing the company? Like if I work for HeadGum, but I'm not going to put like HeadGum as my Twitter name. That's right. So then.

You could be editorial asked. Editorial asked. A-S-S-T. No, I know. Okay. But I mean, that could be for anywhere. I feel like not job. Unless it's like. Does he say what his job is a play

on like he doesn't say his job if he's maybe not the I guess that I'm thinking of the company name but if he was like a welder it could be like some sort of weld I'm just going for pun you could be you could do a welder pun yeah like principal welding or something like that that could even be good regardless for welding like instead of principal Belding from Saved by the Bell, his screen name, because he's a welder, should be Principal Welding. Actually, Evanescence Jordache

is probably available. That's a veil. If you want to go the inside joke route. Is that all he asks? Or did he cut you off? I think that's it, yeah. He wanted to know if you should do job pun

name based paste uh what made you do the old switcheroo what is it now just just blumenfeld unverified unverified somebody don't laugh because it's actually don't actually laugh don't actually laugh because that's really fucked up do you do you sorry stop talking about the last time i cried it might just be right fucking now. It's right fucking now. I'm sorry. Do you lose the check when you change your name? Is that what happened? Evidently.

I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just was like. No, I know. It's your neck. Because you have like 130. My jord aches for it, actually. Yeah. Your jord?

My jord aches. What's your jord? Your heart? Oh, I have a jord ache. I can't go to school. I have a pounding jord? My jord aches. What's your jord? Your heart? Oh, I have a jord ache. I can't get into school. I have a pounding jord ache. No, like my jord hurts like really bad today.

You don't even get it. Okay. Jord is killing me, Evanescence. Yeah, Pascal Siakam's not playing tonight because he has Jordache-like symptoms. So the flu? Never mind. Wait, so what made you do the old switcheroo?

Well, I always found it a little confusing that when like somebody would reference me it would have to say my old name which is at Jake and Amir. It's like, oh, I had

at Jake and Amir over today. And it's like, oh, both of them? No, it's actually just Amir but his screen name is this. Then Jake and Amir, you know, ended five years ago ago so i've always been in the market for a new name blumenfeld specifically became available because my brother changed his last name relinquished his twitter name which was blumenfeld i sniped it switched it up he changed his i changed mine to his and then jake and amir just became like a forwarding dummy name.

So now my name is just at Blumenfeld, cleaner, my last name, and people can write it, oh, I had Amir at Blumenfeld on the show, whatever. Not really a pun, not really a job, and not really a hobby. And he said didn't want his name.

Didn't want his name. So don't do what I do, but don't play no James is not bad, actually. Well, the problem is we don't know his name. So don't do what I do. But don't play no James is not bad, actually. Well, the problem is we don't know his name. Because I would recommend a pun-based name, like Riley Coyote, don't play no James. Have you thought about changing either of yours, or are you guys

like yours? I will keep Riley Coyote until the end of time. I do feel weird, though, because I have business cards that I hand out. My Instagram, my website is all Riley and I just get to twitter and it's just riley coyote and i suddenly feel like an infant if i could change mine to at just at jeffrey james or at jeffrey or at anything resembling that i would but why don't you because i it's not a real one. You're not even verified. You can do it. You're not verified either. You fucking idiot.

Yeah. Jeff isn't verified. What's your excuse? You can change it if you want. I changed mine and I lost it. I had that shit. Yeah. I had the check and I blew it.

I'm a has-been. You're a never was. Yeah. That's worse. That's really good. I don't have the followers. Oh. Right?

Sorry to hear that. So you can change it and you won't lose anything. Yeah. Yeah, I think I can. All right. I'm just fucking. Let me fucking. Jackson, don't!

Woo! What a rush. Love that. I haven't been choked out on an ep since early aughts. This is a question that made me low. So we need a fake man's name. Riley. Gouch.

What's gouch? Is that a portmanteau? It's like couch, but like g. Yeah, I see. I thought it was like couch. No, so there's nothing behind it. It's just couch with g. Gouch. Couch with a little g behind it. No. No. So there's nothing behind it. It's just couch with g. Gouch. Couch with a

little g behind it. Yeah. I'm a 23 year old male from Michigan right. It's gouch and I've been in a bit of a bind throughout pretty much my whole relationship. Hope you can help me out of it. I'll get right into it. My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under two years and things are great and I'm really into her.

The one thing that has me drive that has been driving me crazy is how loud she choose. She has great manners, super polite, respectable, always takes care of her appearance, which confuses me even more as to how she doesn't realize how disrespectful it is when she has food in her mouth.

It's not every time she eats food, but if we're eating something, if we're eating something heavier, like a warm bread. A pasta. Or rich. Or rich, thick chicken. Thicken. Or rich, thick chicken. Thicken.

I can't help but hear the sounds of her mouth open between every bite. Oh my god. It's not a sloppy wet smack where you can see inside the hole, but more of a popping and chomping of her lips opening between each chew. Try pressing your lips together and then opening really fast into the mic multiple times, almost like a kissy noise. Oh, that's foul. That's the sound. It's gross and annoying, and it's all I notice when we go out to eat, which is a lot. It took me months to gain the courage to call her out once, and she just said,

It's just because I'm really hungry. Why would you even say that to me? And it ruined our dinner. The only other time she was called out was by her sister and my girlfriend just looked at her and mocked her chewing as loud as she could. What would you do if you were me? Is there a polite way to ask her to shut her damn trap?

Or should I just dump and change? I've tried eating loud myself, but that hasn't worked either. Please help me out. Thanks. Love. Gouge. Really quick. Jordyke's Twitter handle should be Rich Thick Chicken.

Oh, that's good. I like that a lot. Rich Thick Chicken. Or just like Thicken. Like Rich Thicken. Why are you at Thicken, by the way? What's rich about chicken? How can it be? I've only heard richness in terms of, like, yeah, like.

It has to be a chicken tikka masala or, like, yeah, cocoa bomb. What does rich mean, really? I always thought of it as, like, chocolatey or, like, decadent. But, like, rich can also be fat, right? Indulgent. Yeah, like a short rib is, like, a really rich taste. Yeah, fatty? That's why I like it.

Fatty and, like, rich. I think saucy. A warm bread. Like a thick chicken. Can I get the rich, thick chicken and some warm bread, please? Side of pasta. Just any rich, thick chicken, please. That'll be great.

Thank you. Warm bread. So what can you do and why? Can you imagine telling someone to not eat like that twice? Once it ruined the meal and twice for fun? Do you even like bring it up again or do you just have to grin and bear it? One of my good friends, like my childhood best friend, she – Oh, Rich? Rich.

Yes. Mr. Thick Chicken. Rich Tea Chicken. She used to smack really loud when she ate. So I get it. Yeah. And she still does it. And so it's like she knows that she does it, which is unlike this lady who kind of, I don't think, from what it sounds like, doesn't think she gets it.

Yeah. But we would tell her, be like, hey, man, love you so much, you gotta stop. Do you guys eat poorly? I'm a pretty sloppy eater myself. So I sort of sympathize with the lady in this. When you eat sandwiches, it's hard to eat while you're eating. Yeah. I didn't mean for you to say that.

I was talking about, like, do you eat sloppily? If you know you eat sloppily, like, have you ever wanted to change yourself? Or is it just a thing where you're like, this is who I am. I can't do anything about it. That's a good question. When I'm by myself, all bets are off. I am just the easiest man. It is loud, it is sloppy, I'm shoveling. And then when I'm with others, I'm like,

I usually think before the food comes, I'm like, I should eat this slowly and appropriately, use a fork and a knife if possible. Too slow. And then the food comes and I like go into some sort of like werewolf-esque zombie haze. And I like wake up from like, wow, I've been staring at like my plate for

15 minutes and I just look up for the first time in a while sometimes horrified because I'm like maybe I was loud I lost consciousness I was so into the food that I like forgot about politeness manners and any of that stuff so maybe that's her thing because she actually uses that excuse she says I'm hungry which means like get out of my way I'm hungry, which means like, get out of my way. I'm hungry. Do you guys eat differently when you're trying to be polite versus just at home by yourself? I don't think so. You think you're just, if like you're with your girlfriend's family, you're eating just as like slowly and quietly as you would at home by yourself watching TV?

Yeah, well, people, some people complain I'm a slow eater, which I feel like I started doing when I was young because I heard something that was like, oh, you need to really chew your food. So I feel like I don't have to adjust it. You liquefy it. What'd you say? You liquefy your food. Well, yeah, but that's before I eat it.

So, I mean, what I've been doing recently is putting it in a Nutribullet. You, like, really chew it, so then you just make it a smoothie. It's almost a paste. Yeah, it's a paste, it's a smoothie, it in a Nutribullet. Okay. You like really chew it so then you just make it a smoothie. It's almost a paste. It's a paste. It's a smoothie. It's a milkshake. Where like the liquid is all just your drool or something. A little bit because I need to like make it a little bit more slick.

Because I don't want to put ice in it. You're talking about Rich Thick Slick Chicken? Rich Thick Slick Chicken sounds like a Vegas mob boss in the 50s. Rick Slick Thicken. If you're going to have a half chicken, you're going to be eating it, and as you're chewing, there's some saliva in there naturally. Make it a rich, thick, slick half chicken.

Exactly. It's going to be that, a rich, thick, slick chicken, no matter how you eat it. So if I put the half chicken, bones bones and all in a nutribullet and then spitting it suddenly i'm pulsing i was i think i was telling you the other day that like it's hard for me to eat salad where the leaves are really big because i feel like the you texted me that out of nowhere yeah like a chopped salad is ideal you can sort of scoop it into your mouth like cereal very small chopped up lettuce he bites bites. With a spoon. When the big leaves, when it's just like, you know, a classy salad is like giant uncut leaves that are like drenched in some sort of vinaigrette.

How are you supposed to shove that into your mouth without getting- You cut it, right? Cut the salad? You cut the salad. Didn't think about that. Didn't you say that your solution was to lubricate it with more balsamic? Yeah, just sort of slurp it up like noodles. But yeah, I guess just fork and a knife to the leaves then yeah that doesn't seem right either why don't why

doesn't he present it in a different way like hey i was actually reading that you need to really chew your food before you swallow it or something and that the best way to do that is mouth closed only chewing okay like give her a technique that you found somewhere i see so it's like oh i heard about this new thing it's kind of like meditation but you actually just keep your mouth shut when you eat shut your trap how did he bring it up the first couple times uh he said that he didn't say how but he did say that he brought it up and it ruined dinner. Because I feel, maybe, you know what, it might be better to do it when it's not in the middle of happening. Yeah.

Because I feel like then she's going to get defensive and there's going to be shame with that. Whereas if it's in a neutral place when there's no eating happening, maybe drinking's happening. Yeah. Something when you're not chewing, just being like, hey. I don't know. I'm always about just being like, hey, like, I don't know. I'm always about like, just open communication. Like,

hey, I love you. Maybe you don't. Maybe, I don't know if you've used that word. Oh yeah, that's true. I don't know.

I don't want to speak, but it's like, it's almost two years. I like you a lot. You should break up. But just be like, hey, like I,

I really can't do you smacking those lips. Because I still want to be smacking that ass. Nice. If you're still smacking those lips. Yeah, smacking and smacking. Then you need to shut your rich, thick trap. Smacking and snacking. Think about that for a second.

What do you mean, think about that for a second. What do you mean think about that for a second? To be snacking and smacking. Yeah, it rhymes. Yeah, that's interesting as all.

Not everything has to be a groundbreaking revelation. Snacking and smacking. So what, just the idea of that or that sentence or are you putting it

on a shirt? It's not even a sentence and it's not even a shirt. It's a phrase. It's just snacking and sm It's not even a shirt. It's a phrase. It's just snacking and smacking. Snacking and smacking. That's it. Use it.

Don't use it. It's not even up to me. Don't use it. Okay. All right. That's fine, too. Eating a rich, thick chicken while snacking, dada. Just imagine it.

And that's a sundae. That's good, yeah. A spice rub on my tiny nub. Yeah. I don't know if I already mentioned that. No. That is... A chicken dick of masala.

So it's like you're peeing in an Indian cuisine. Oh my god. And did I mention yogurt on the side? And if you're feeling anal, it's a Tom Backdory style. That's really good. That's really good. So yeah, basically say all of that to her.

Yeah, hit her with Tom Backdory style. Chicken tikka. Bring it up, not during a meal,dory style. Chicken tikka. All right. Bring it up, not during a meal, casually, still in a loving way. Offer a different technique. Offer, chew your food until it's liquid and then take another bite. Maybe you can sacrifice something of yourself. Be like, you know what?

I won't fart in front of you if you do this. Relationships are about compromise. They are. Your negotiating technique I just want to talk about for a little bit because earlier you said it's kind of like meditation but you keep your fucking gum shot or whatever yeah is that how you negotiate with other things it's like yeah i sort of like threaten and then back up and promise not to fart in front of you so like so when you were buying your house, how did that go? I made an offer below asking. Right.

And they say, we have multiple offers above asking. They say, we can't take that. Yeah. And I say, okay, can I counter? And they said, sure. How much? And I said, same price, but I won't fart in front of you. So I ended up not getting the house.

Not getting the house. Yeah. Because they don't. They basically never see me. So it doesn't matter. That's not leverage. You should adjust your leverage to who you're talking to. Right, exactly.

For me to not fart in front of them is definitely not worth the millions of dollars. You're never going to see them again. No. That's why I ended up getting close to half a million bucks for the Patreon per month. And with that money, I got the Pebble Beach, the Bel Air, the San Diego house, and then something in Vail. Yeah. Something? To know in Vail. Yeah. Something.

To Noah Vail. Like a little villa. Wait, so you didn't get it. You said to Noah Vail. To Noah Vail is to love it. I got a three-bedroom townhouse timeshare. To Noah Vail. To Vail.

To Noah Vail in Vail. Do you know Noah? Noah Vail? Yeah, my friend in Vale. Yeah. So he loves it and he's there all the time skiing, ski out, and I can't get enough of the place. Right. But to Noah Vale, he loves the place.

Is it a Vale? It's not a Vale. It's on a Vale. In Vale. In Vale. With Noah. But to Noah Vale. Vale.

Yeah. And to know a Noah Vale. To know a Noah Vale is to know and i was he put on unavails was he available for audition he was avail no avail was avail yeah he was on avail basically yeah so just to recap your real estate portfolio yeah it's bel-air los angeles pebble beach pebble beach and then i went in on a place to no avail. With no avail. With no avail.

But Pebble Beach is a timeshare. Yes. What's in San Diego? Where in San Diego? It's a condo. Duplex. Triplex, actually, if you count the third property. So it is a triple.

You always count it. So if you count the third, then it is. Yeah. Which it is. Three townhomes. How many units, though? Six. So it's not, yeah, so it's a building. Yeah, it's a building. Six units. Two units per unit. So if you count, yeah, so it's a building. Yeah, it's a building.

Six units, two units per unit. So if you count all the units. 12 units. Yeah, 12 units. This is a megaplex. Of sorts. If you count all the units. Which you should.

You should. For accounting purposes. Right, right, right. Let's take a break. We'll come back, answer some more questions about my homes after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats.

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One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we are back jeff and o'reilly do you have any oh it's a lesson mom i'm coming! That was gross.

Thoughts? In terms of having unsolicited advice, not so much the little... Mom, I'm coming. Mom, I'm coming. Riff. Yeah, I was going to say the guitar riff part. But yeah, the mom, I'm coming part is not ideal either. You were saying?

You have every power to change it. You play it every time. And I like it to have it that way. Right. So. I like having you yelling mom coming in your podcast that people listen to every week. As a goof.

As an absolute goof. Yeah. At this point, it's an institution on this podcast. It's a segment. Yeah. Now I can't get rid of it. You can change the theme song. We're pot committed.

Pot committed? Yeah. That means like it's a sunk cost. It's not gambling. It's baked in there. Unless you're really betting on yourself that it becomes a cult classic. Yeah, it is a cult classic and it is a baked deal and it's a baked potato. What's your unsolicited?

Hair test. Huh? Get a hair test. What's a test of hair? What is that? We've been talking about this lately. Well, people have been asking. Okay.

I got a hair test, right? So basically... I don't know. Don't say right like I brought it up. No, you get a little snippet. Okay. And there you're off to the races. What do they test?

Stop telling us 2% of the thing at a time. What do they test? Just tell the whole story. Is it allergies? Is it... I've been working with... You're moving backwards. I've been toying with the idea of getting a hair test, and then I did.

So you have... Oh, my God. Right. What is it? You get a sliver of hair. Maybe around a radius of a dime. Okay. Dummy or otherwise.

That's a lot of hair, by the way, but continue. Uh-huh. And so what you'll do. The thickness of a dime, yeah. Sorry. Did I, right? Yeah. Did I step on your toes when you said unsolicited advice, when you said, mom, I'm coming?

I don't remember, but go. You should have, but you didn't. When your hair is long, right before you're going to get a haircut. Yes. Snippet of hair. Okay. Dime radius. I fucking get the radius

and what coin it's as thick as. They test for vitamin and mineral deficiency. What are you deficient in? Calcium. What is that? Can't you just do

a blood test? No, no, a blood test. You need more milk. She loves milk. Baby. You drink milk? Give me that 2%. Sorry, not 2%.

I just thought of 2% because you were talking about fucking hair. Give me that nonfat milk. What is that? What are you drinking? In a glass. A glass of it? A glass of nonfat? It's so watery.

Or a mug. Or a mug. Or a... Frothy as it may be. Straight from the carton. What are you eating before or after that milk? You know what's really good? No.

Here's my unsolicited advice. I already disagree with you. One of the best snacks in the world for those who are blessed to not be lactose intolerant. Or even if you're too blessed to be stressed. Or even if you're too blessed to be stressed, a handful of... Pistachios and cream.

Chocolate chips from a bag. What does it have to be from a bag? Some chocolate. Don't specify how I eat the shape of the chocolate. Everyone sit down. Everyone listen.

A handful of chocolate chips from a bag followed up with a few chugs. Not evened up with a few chugs. Not even a glass. A few chugs of nonfat milk from a carton from the fridge. It'll change your goddamn life. That's chocolate milk deconstructed. No, it's not.

Just have chocolate milk. No, because it is the consistency of the chocolate chips. And then after having a handful of two of those sweet sweet little chocolate chippy boys you're gonna be like oh my god i need some milk right now no you're gonna be i'm gonna keep cool these people aren't like i'm gonna go to the fridge and i'm gonna i'm like i don't need to waste a glass from the carton carton is such an unattractive word. That is, just please try it and please tweet at me or DM me or whatever. What kind of chocolate chips? Semi-sweet.

Semi-sweet. Milk? Milk chocolate? Semi-sweet milk chocolate. Is that like 50%? I don't know the exact percentage. I just pick up semi-sweet bags from wherever you get. Morsels or chips?

Chips. Okay. And then the milk itself, the nonfat, how close is that to water? That's translucent? Can you see through the glass? Pretty adjacent to water. You can see through the glass a little bit, right?

Jake often makes fun of me for how I like nonfat milk in my coffee. Yeah. And he's like, it's just watery coffee. Yeah, so it's thinned out. It's thin. I don't like a thick milk. Have you gotten 1% just to test it out?

I can do 1%. I can do 2%. And whole is nothing for you? Whole is not the goal for me. Whole will leave you swole. Whole is fucking disgusting clotted cream in your throat. Too much. Too much.

2% fine. 1%. Maybe ideal. Maybe. Non-fat. Non-fat is king. Skim nonfat. Nonfat is king. Skim is im. Skim is im.

So that's my advice is chocolate chips and milk is a perfect snack. And then you're saying you can test the vitamin levels of your blood by cutting hair? Why don't you do the hair? Blood test is more of the moment, right? Hair tells a story. Those are not mutually exclusive things. Like blood can also tell the story and be of the moment, right? Hair tells a story. Those are not mutually exclusive things. Like, blood can also tell the story and be of the moment. Blood is news.

Okay. News of the day. Hair is a movie. What? What is hair telling you that blood doesn't? Hair is a movie. Hair has more information per capita. And so you get to know your definition and over time not just that day

right why do i give a fuck if i don't have enough vitamin a 10 years ago no it's months ago so it tells a story of the last trimester really and then you get to know what what supplements to take so i'm she's got me on a glycine she's got me on a magnesium glycinate. You're a fucking barber? No! My nutritionist ass. So you got drug tested for weed, and then they said you're actually low on calcium, and now you have a nutritionist. And it's worse than weed, they said. They said, oh, that person sold you opium.

Yeah. So instead of being tested positive for a cool thing, you have osteoporosis. And you need more milk. Yeah. So anyway, I've been taking vitamins, and I osteoporosis. And you need more milk. Yeah. So anyway, I've been taking vitamins and I feel good. Okay. Drinking some chocolate milk once a day.

For the protein? Yeah. And for the culture? Clay Thompson style. Yeah. All right. That's pretty good. Two good pieces of advice.

Get your hair tested and drink milk, I guess. With chocolate chips. Let's try calling Jake, see if he's available. Maybe he can weigh in on what's going on. I'll try FaceTiming him. Should I say your exact address? You don't have to say my address. My home address?

Would that have anything to do with what we're doing? Well, just people could send him gifts. No, we were talking about FaceTiming and Jake and you're like, oh, should I say your address? I don't know. It's just like phone numbers, address, it's all information. Yeah, I guess. It's dialing maybe he's in a movie now

had the night off so maybe he's taking it I don't think he's watching a movie. That's cool. He lives in New York. Maybe he's like at dinner. Imagine going to the movies in New York.

Yeah that's fine. Imagine it. There's so much you can do and you're gonna be like I'm gonna go to an AMC. Yeah it's not necessarily an AMC, yeah. You could go anywhere.

Oh, that's cool. Denied. Classic. Should we try and then he picks up for us? That would be a slap in the dick, actually. Let's see if he'll... He might call back at one point in the episode, so I'll leave my phone on extra loud mode. Nice.

Which is a rude mode, but here we are. All right, should we try to answer a few more questions i mean riley had a poem prepared oh what i just i know that you haven't rehearsed it but let's just go with it i know you haven't made it or rehearsed it three two one poem milk milk the glorious silk coming out of a fucking caterpillar why don't you do alternative milks you don't trust them uh they're fine like i could but i wouldn't drink it straight like i can do an almond milk or an oat milk in my coffee or what have you but i wouldn't be like give me a glass of that almond stuff. Yeah, that's true.

Like something happened, like I had a really spicy immunity shot at Daniel's the other day and it was like burning my lips and I knew I needed, but I'm like, do you have any milk? And he's like, we have almond milk. Do you want a glass of almond milk?

And I let my lips burn because I wouldn't drink a glass of almond milk. So you drink for fun a glass of almond milk. So you drink for fun a glass of skim. Your mouth is on fire and you're not even fucking with almond milk. That's how little you want it. Yeah. Because it's too thick.

It's too thick. You say as you die. It's too thick. Quick, the antidote for your snake bite. It's this shot of almond milk. Let me die. Tell my mom I love her. It's too thick. Quick, the antidote for your snake bite. It's this shot of almond milk. Let me die. Tell my mom I love her. It's too thick.

All right, we got another dude's name. Jeffrey, what do you got? I'm going to have to go with soy-like teen. That's cool. So it's like an ingredient in something? All one name? That's his first name. Okay.

But he's kind of a Kobe figure because there's no one else named Soy Lacteen, so he can kind of, he doesn't need his last name. Legendary. I love it. Ever since I was a kid, right, Soy, I have enjoyed comedy, and I really look up to you guys for some reason. I found that the podcast was the perfect place to ask for your advice. I'm a young 19-year-old man living in North Carolina and I'm currently full-time in school. I guess my question is,

what do you guys recommend for someone to get started in the business of making people laugh? Sketches, stand-up, et cetera? Is it just a matter of start making content and don't stop until you're recognized? Is there a smart location to move to or there a specific agency or a smart location to move to? Or is there a specific agency or person I need to talk to? I want this to be my career, and I really enjoy

allowing people to forget their troubles by hearing a good joke or a funny sketch, like you guys, when I'm having a shit day. Any advice would be helpful since I really don't have a starting point in mind. As far as my name, I usually go to Jake Meir Blumenwitz, so that would be ideal. If by chance you do read this email, I wanted to say thank you for everything. Cheers. Love, Soy Lectathene.

Lectathene? His last name is Xantham Gum. So after that super super super kind email he is debased by you naming him soy like dean xanthan gum yeah okay so um i didn't know it was gonna be that heartfelt but when i named them uh so you guys were in college recently. Now you're in the biz, as it were. What do you wish you knew as a 19-year-old that you know now? It could be anything.

It can even be bad advice that you want to sort of take this guy off the scent so that there's less competition out there for you two. Yeah, like don't make anything. That's cool. Don't make anything. That's cool. Don't make anything. Move to Billings. Don't share it with people. Yeah. Move somewhere rural.

Move somewhere. With no comedy community. Absolutely. It needs to be rural. And bad Wi-Fi. As rural as possible. Yeah. How much, how important is it do you guys think to move to LA, New York, San Francisco,

Chicago, someplace like that? I feel like I'm happy with where I am now, but I feel like just for the experience of doing it, I wish that I had had the experience of living in a Chicago or an Austin or a Portland before I moved to LA or New York. Oh, like a stepping stone city to the bigger city. Yeah. Got it. But I came here for college, so I feel like it's different. I think it also depends on what kind of comedy you want to go into,

because there are so many different ways to kind of break into it. Like if you're more improv, like Chicago would be a great place to go. And even like New York or LA. Stand-up, you could really do anywhere. And like kind of practice anywhere. I don't do stand-up and that really scares me. So I don't know a lot about that um and then in terms of like sketch and stuff that also you can do anywhere but if you want to find a bigger group of people to do it with then you might want to go to

an la to a chicago to a new york yeah just make comedy with like-minded comedy folks yeah try to meet some comedy friends create some comedy with those friends yeah put it online or just have fun live shows do you guys ever do improv and or sketch yeah i mean well we do the sketches here but i did improv all throughout college oh and uh i guess i haven't done it in a, but I used to do it like throughout the city too. And so like UCB taking classes and stuff. Is improv super important with sketch writing or is it sort of a different part, a muscle? I think it depends on how you write. Like when Jeff and I write together, we improv a lot.

Like we'll just kind of start doing bits and then whatever we kind of tap into that we really like or think could be expanded upon in a more structured way we write that but that i've written with other people who are not who haven't done improv and who don't approach from that angle yeah and they do it more from a story point entrance so i think it doesn't hurt i feel like just tangible pieces of advice because somebody called me from drexel because they called here and they wanted an internship and they might intern here what you answered the phone and offered marty did a drexel dragon a fucking job um but i feel like if you're in college the smartest thing to do is go to new york and la for either one whichever you're is more accessible to you and intern every summer in those cities to build up your professional like contacts. Cause

you're really going to need those when you're done. That's true. And then during the school year and even during the summer, do improv, do sketch, do standup, whatever you want to do, make videos, uh, and find your friends. And then just just like once you're ready to move to New York or LA, which you'll have to do eventually, you'll have contacts already from your internships that you can send your samples to send your materials to. And that's how you'll get your first job probably. Wow. That's very tangible advice.

And shit like make yourself and share it with people that you trust because it's like, you're not going to learn if if you don't get feedback on anything and that can hurt sometimes but it's better to learn what you need to improve than to sit in a basement writing things that are bad that will make no one laugh not even your mom mommy and daddy are fighting in the corner. Not even your video can make a smile. Want to make people laugh

because my dad never cracks a smile. He's not proud of me. He's not proud of me. My mom doesn't make me ever laugh. Ever what? Draft. Your mom doesn't make you. You mean home from the war? Home from the war.

Beer's on tap and I'm drafted in the army. Beer's on tap and you're drafted in the army? Uh-oh, John Hughes is on. Let's all sit down and watch Breakfast Club. Tag yourself. Now tag yourself. Are you the nerd or the hot girl with the panties that are raised above her friggin' head in 16 candles? I didn't want to hear that.

You made me listen to that. How fucked up is that for me to have to sit here and have that in my ears? Beer's on tap and I'm trapped in the army. The girl with the high-waisted jeans from Sixteen Candles. The fuck is wrong with you? How did you start in comedy, Amir? Doesn't matter. After that, that's a moot point.

The point is over. Touring? I did similar to you guys. I wrote for free throughout college. So, you know, learn while in your spare time, right? I wrote for College Humor. And then as soon as I graduated, they got money to make a book.

They hired me and a few others. And I had a full-time job writing comedy right out of college, which was serendipitous $34,000 In New York that's nothing In New York it didn't get me very far But fortunately

My mother had a friend with an apartment In the upper east side That I could live in the first summer Don't enunciate that well I'm squatting, I am writing, and I'm eating bagels with cheese. Please? For dinner, Chinese food made me sick,

and I puked all day in the summer. In the summer, yeah. I gained 41 pounds that fortnight. 14 days. Two weeks. Three pounds a day. Jesus. The wrong way.

Do not muscle? No. Not even fat. What was it? Water weight? Pure milk weight. Pure skim on the day. Pure skim on the day. Pure skim on the day.

Whole milk makes me laugh and I don't know how. Almond milk, way too thick. Way too thick. Way too thick. Get that shit away from me. I'm going to let them burn. My lips hurt from the shot I took. What was in the shot that it was spicy to you?

Garlic and bacon. And naan. A warm bread and a thick chicken. The richest shot of all. Thick chicken. Ramen broth. Pork fat to the top. It solidified in my mouth.

Glass of fat. Glass of fat, glass of fat. It was good to eat. Have you ever felt oil separate in your own cheeks? I'm talking coconut and olive oil and it is in my ass. I hated

today. This was the worst hour of my life. Of course. I know. It was a little bit of prep, which sucked, and now... Well, we didn't have to prep. You did all the work. We didn't do anything.

We just walked in. Listen to us singing, dancing. Jake didn't even pick up. He's having a fucking hell of a time. He's in a movie in New York. Yeah, he's shooting a movie right now in New York. Oh, my God. Yeah, he's in a movie,

and we can't fucking get to the bottom of these questions. Did we answer this guy's question? Oh, yeah, you did. You gave more than enough advice, probably a world record for us. That was a really nice email. Yeah. All right, tell us again one last time about your podcast, The Review Review. Review Review.

It's a great time. It's a fine time. It's an awesome time. We have fun. We read reviews that are very, very silly. And then kind of like here, you come up with funny sketches that are based on the reviews. Yeah. I would say it's like, if you like If I Were You, you'll like Review Review.

Of course. Instead of emails in, it's reviews that we find from people. It's reviews out. And if you don't trust us, you're listening to this because you like Amir. Email's in. It's reviews that we find. Out. It's reviews out. And if you don't trust us, you're listening to this because you like Amir. Amir will be on our show tomorrow. Sick. What?

That's great. Oh. Which episode was that? That was karaoke bars. Karaoke bars. Yeah. Which I was surprised to learn you guys didn't frequent in college or beyond. The only time I've ever been to, I've been to karaoke bar twice, same one, right here. Of course.

First time was with Riley. Yep. It was fine. You guys both love singing. We do. Never immersed yourself in the karaoke culture. I will take you to a few places that know me by Japanese name. What's your Japanese name?

It's way too offensive to speak out loud, but just know it looks like this. No, this is bad. You just did the Shakira tongue thing from the halftime show. Which, by the way, was fucking awesome. You guys like the halftime show? It's better than Levine.

Huh? It's better than Adam Levine. But when he took his shirt off and danced. California across the abs? That was so hot to hear. All right. So the review, sorry, not the, just review review. Just review review.

You can listen wherever you listen to podcasts, including wherever you listen to this podcast. Give it a shot tomorrow. Amir's on the episode. Please. If you like it. Hell yeah. If you like it, give us a five-star rating on iTunes. It really helps us. Oh, please do it.

With the charts. And then you'll read the review. Do you ever review your own reviews? So we've just now, since people have started listening, starting to get emails and people sending their own reviews or reviewing the podcast in a funny way. That's cool. So we're

going to start reading them live when we start recording for the future. Now we're talking. But we're only releasing banked Eps from the fall so far. Okay. We have about five of those more. And there's only been two episodes, maybe three episodes. So now's your time to get in on the ground floor. You don't have to catch up and listen to 200 episodes of Review Review.

You can be a day one. You can be a day one. It still counts because it's week two. You can be a day two. You can be a day three. This is week three. That's pretty good. That's pretty fun. A day three. That's great. Day three is really good. Yeah, that's top five days.

My mom hasn't even listened to it. My mom isn't even day one or two. So you can still beat Riley's mom to the punch. You can still beat my mom. What about your mom, Jeff? Oh, beat Riley's mom to the punch. You can still beat my mom. Yeah, what about your mom, Jeff? Oh, my mom's listened to it. She's supportive. Sorry.

What the fuck did you just say? No, I'm just saying she really cares about me. She's day one. That's cool. She's a day one. She's a day zero because she listened to the trailer.

She actually edited the first episode. So she's a day negative one. And it was tight. It was really good editing. The opening theme song, gosh, what was that one? Oh, yeah, that was the Breakfast at Tiffany's cover.

This closing one is a You Made It Weird cover. That's right. A theme song parody of a different theme song's podcast. He says, nothing to plug in particular, says John, but if you can give a shout out to all the Jeremies out there, you're doing great. So shout out to the Jeremies out there. You guys friends with any Jeremies?

No. I wish. Yeah, it's kind's a little bit of an older person's name i don't really know any younger jeremy's yeah jeremiah of course jebediah yeah jebediah jerry jerome not a lot of jeremy's out there but um yeah i don't know there's something about that in terms of how certain names jockey at three in the morning before he plays the next song are you going to sorry on the next episode can you review the the edible arrangement i sent you that's right you did send me an edible arrangement today yeah i didn't fully appreciate it yet because i haven't gotten home but my girlfriend said it was did you actually send one actually send one? Oh, I actually sent it, yeah. Jeff loves sending random gifts and not telling people about it. I have yet to be on the receiving end.

But what's another example of that? You're never in town. I am. Another example is I sent George Saba. It just looks like a bag of fruit. It's so humid. It's a sack. I sent George Saba, a. looks like a bag of fruit. It's so humid. It's a sack. I sent George Saba, a.k.a. Man George, a hat that said, it was a vintage hat.

It was camo print, and it said honkers, and there was a duck on it. Did he know it was from you? So he didn't. So basically what happened was he didn't even open the box because he didn't order anything. That makes sense. Two weeks after he got it, finally his roommate, my friend Kirsten, was like, hey, this came for you, by the way, if you want to open it. And he opens it and he's so confused. There's no note.

I didn't say anything to him. Of course. And so they spend, they have a little powwow at their house. Yeah, they're talking about it. They're talking about it. They're throwing out names who it could be. Everybody says no. Finally, I get a text and he's like, did you send me this hat that says

honkers? And I was like, yes. And he's like, I've been talking about this for 45 minutes. So I wasted his time. I gave him a hat. In that order. Wasted his time, gave him a hat. I both wasted his time and gave him a way to get shade on the day.

So he has you to thank for that. Now if anyone ever gets any weird gifts, we can assume that it was you who sent it. Yeah. At first, it's like a little confusing. Who did this? Who done it? Now, Riley's going to get a fucking,

I don't know, inflatable tube one day and she'll know it was from you. I got a gift recently that I thought was from Jeff because it was- Oh, this was creepy. This was wild.

I thought somebody found your address. So I was traveling over the holidays and I came home and there was a box and within the box it said fragile on it fragile

and I open it and it's a mug and it is a photo that I took it's a photo that Jeff took oh sorry about that

no that's not the photo it's a photo of me sitting on the couch in the office holding up my phone because I Al Pacino and I have very similar eyes. So it's just me making the same face as a young Al Pacino. So I took a photo of that. It is a photo of clearly like a computer.

Someone had taken a photo of that photo on a computer screen or something and put that on a mug. So I see that and i immediately assume that it's from jeff text it not from jeff no i've texted everyone i possibly think it could be days ago but i put on instagram i'm like hey got this mug if anyone like very kind but if anyone could you please tell me who sent this and now i start to get worried because i'm like someone has my home address and someone's not telling me who it is finally my mom goes my uh hey your sister like was it from shutterfly i'm like yeah she goes oh yeah your sister sent me something from there she texted and it's from my sister and the gift wasn't even for me she goes oh yeah that's actually for daniel i hope

no no sister sent you a gift for your boyfriend. My boyfriend a gift delivered to me, but it now resides in his cupboard. I have no notes, and there was no notes. So congrats to Vanessa. Yeah. Mazel tov to all. Shout out. And to all a good night. All right.

Check out Review Review, and we will be back, of course, right here next week with Jake Hurwitz, if you can believe it. Yeah, he'll be back. Maybe he'll call me back by then. Bye, everybody. Bye. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, oh, yeah. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, oh, yeah. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, oh yeah. If I were you with Jake and Amir.

If I were you, oh yeah.