Segments - 422: Worms (w/Rose McIver!)

Episode Date: February 17, 2020

Friend and voice of Headgum Rose McIver is in the studio discussing salads, weddings, and MSN Messenger.For more IF I WERE YOU check out bonus video Thursday episodes on our Patreon.com/JA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Some advice would be nice, the Game Boy or from you to juice

I swear I usually don't do this, but this time I goofed She's perfect, I'm worthless Why do I look like a chipmunk And smell like a bottle that you're pissing? Cause I spent all my time listening to If I Were You. So, it starts now. Show Starts now Nice! That was Nick Goldston.

Rose, thoughts? One of my favorites. Really? Still shocked that people put so much time into doing these for you. That's so lovely. That song is better than anything we've ever done on the podcast before. I think that's better than the original song. That's right.

It was already like a acoustic version of a song we loved. And then he also made it about it. Honestly, if he would do me the solid of recording Lit's actual My Own Worst Enemy with that energy, I'd really, I'd like to, I would add that to my like chill out playlist. He writes actually one request. I grew up on Blink-182, Nick Goldston writes, and I'd love to do one of their songs for the show. Anything from Cheshire Cat through Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. I know Jake is a big Dude Ranch fan,

and I'm personally an Enema of the State fan, and Take Off Your Pants and Jacket. But I'd be stoked to do anyone. Shout out my friend Alexis, who had their question about pasta answered on a podcast once. Let's hear Carousel by Blink-182. Which one's that?

Just go ahead, sing a few bars. Okay. Okay, so Tom, so it's like, it's a really long, it's a long intro. So fast forward. You're putting me on the spot.

3, 2, 1, verse. 3, 2, 1, chorus. Everyone else be quiet. I'm there with you. Ready? Boom. You. Green light. Go. My thoughts of me had a carousel. Bam. Bam.

Well, you tried. So Nick Goldstein wrote that one. Can I just tell you really quickly that a little known fact, at Intermediate, which is junior high, middle school, I was in a band called Splinter, and we did Blink-182 covers, and I did all the small things. What? Did you sing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have like drummer energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have big drummer energy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have big drummer energy. Actually, I do remember being teased because I didn't move enough when I was singing at the microphone. I stood too still and I just bopped my knees and the rest of the band were like, you got to loosen up. I just love to see some videos of this. So you're 13 years old in New Zealand in a band. 11, yeah.

11 in New Zealand. A bunch of other fifth grade New Zealanders. I don't know what grades are. Let's say 10 and 11 year olds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're singing American songs. With the accents. We worked a lot on the accents.

So for example, what's in a song that you guys did? I told you. All the small things. And then what was your job? What was your role in the band? Singing. Oh, no other instruments. Lead vocals, yeah.

Wow. And then who else was in the band? Singing. Oh, no other instruments. Lead vocals, yeah. Wow. And then who else was in the band? Ben Sludis was on the drums. Nice. We had another girl called Frances Rose. What are the chances? That's my name too. Are you just finding this out?

No, I just forgot. Whoa, another woman named Frances Rose? Yeah. Thanks, Jake. Frances Rose McIver. Yeah, yeah. I'll never forget that for as long as I live. Thank you so much is it ES or IS

it's ES because I'm a girl sorry about Jake by the way I do know this is I don't like this dynamic at all

actually Jake what is it's usually hey wait no I don't get sorry sorry sorry

sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry

you do the game I'm really sorry either tease Rose or Rose and I tease you yeah wait Jake what's your middle name Penn Cooper you knew that Penn Cooper

yeah one word I also knew that. Penn Cooper. Yeah. One word? I also knew that. It's two. Oh, I remember that. Okay. I remember it now that you said it. As long as you're talking about middle names, this is Shmuel, okay?

You want to make fun of somebody, you should be making fun of Shmuel. Classic. S-H-M-U. You're almost done. You're halfway through. Is it H-M-U? You're halfway through. Yeah, it's S-H-M-U, which sounds like a name of a school. You're halfway through is it hmu you're halfway through it's shmu which sounds like a name of a

school you're halfway through el go to hell for making fun of my name sometimes i wish you would uh rose mckiver hi the voice that launched a thousand pods that's right the voice of our network you've heard her before whether you'd like to or not. Rose is actually on every HeadGum podcast. That's right. She's the bumpers. Can you actually hit us with a- Which is actually more than you now, Jake, because you weren't on last week's, were you? That is-

No, I was on last week's. No, no, no, you weren't. By the time this comes out, we'll have aired the one with Jeff and Riley where you're not on it. Wait, that's an If I Were You? It's an If I Were You. So I've been on more If I Were You's than Jake? That's insane. I thought that you were on Review Review. Oh, did an if i were you without you excuse you yeah hmu this

is jake finding out this is insane yeah yeah i wasn't consulted you were consulted but you were insulted no one told me this was happening we were going to record our podcast i'm being like yoko ono right now. I'm like getting in there. Actually, can you step out? Me and Rose will take this one. This is absolutely batshit crazy to me. I was fully under the impression

that you and I were going to guest on Review Review. Oh, I see. You texted me. You said it's kind of hard to do two guests remote. Yeah, like three people in one room, one person across the country, which I still stand by. Yeah. Like three people in one room, one person across the country. Which I still stand by. Yeah, I agree.

And I was happy to not do it when I thought I was getting out of doing a review review. Okay, let's see. I didn't know I was being fucking. You've been kicked off your own podcast. Yeah, this is insane. But you chose to move back to New York. So, you know, I think it's a mere acting out. It's like a child when his parents split up.

Just let him do this. He's going through like a phase. Yeah, yeah. We won't actually air it. Wink, wink. What would you have said if it was like, if you knew it was if I were you? I probably would have said that I should do it.

Okay, well. Guys, I'm really sorry for bringing that up. That's easy to say now. I can, I guess edit you into the conversation. It's funny because when Rose said that, I was like, I shouldn't correct her. Yeah, how come,

how did you know more than you? This is why you need to pair with a girl. We're talking about this. I'm across it. I'm tracking story. You really are.

You could do one without me to sort of make up for it. No. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do an extra podcast. Oh, you're going to have to

buy him a pony to make up for this. All right, this is If I Were You, a advice show that Jake's occasionally on. I'm Amir. Francis is across the table from us. Frankie. Thank you.

Do you ever get recognized for your voice for a head gum thing? You know, sometimes at comic conventions, the only time I really get called out for head gum is at comic conventions where people seem to like, yeah, you've got a lot of fans out there. I don't know if you guys have done signings and stuff, but. No, no signings. We should start doing that. But I'm not sure if they know, if they just hear my voice

and then think that's, oh, that's from HeadGum or if they knew it from something else. You never ordered something at a restaurant and the waitress is like, wait a minute, say that again. How many listeners do you have?

40 on our show and then another 20 spread throughout the other 40 episodes. I'll just wait till Jeff and Riley's episode next week drops without me. Whoa, it hasn't even gone online yet

but it's viral. You're a viral. You're a virus. A Corona viral. Easy. All right, these are of course, as always,

you've been here before, you get it, real questions from real people. All we need are fake names to preserve their anonymity,

their anonymity. You still can't say the word. Anonymity. How many years is it? Seven. Anonymity. Anonymity. Anonymity.

Anonymity. You're close. All right. So do you have a guy's name we can call this person? Blake. Nice. Blake. Like lake with a B. Yeah, yeah.

That's really cool sup my dudes started watching you guys when you were at college humor and obviously i think you're hilarious and cool and good at math he's talking about me anyway here's the sitch either of us so i have this friend who's getting married this summer across the country in north carolina i live in colorado and it's the same weekend as bonnaroo my girlfriend already got tickets to Bonnaroo before we learned about the wedding and is going to go to that if she doesn't come with me to the wedding. And I won't know anybody else there. At this point, I'll probably bail on the wedding, which I already feel bad about. But my question is, how should I tell my friend? The bride and I used to work together for three

years and then we shared an office and hung out every day. But since then, we've only seen each other maybe twice, three times a year. So I'm not sure it's the biggest deal to her. Well, that's it. Hopefully you guys are having a great day and can help me out. Thanks. Love, Blake. Wow. As somebody that planned a wedding,

he doesn't have to go, but he won't be their friend again. But he won't stay here. Do you think that? I do think that there were people, like, invited or not invited to my wedding that, like, it felt like, you know, our friendship connection isn't super strong. But this invite is, like, an offer to, like, rekindle it or stay close, you know? And him rejecting that is sort of being like, actually, this chapter of my life is closed, which is fine because it does sound like he would rather go to Bonnaroo than their wedding. Because I'd say as somebody who has never had to plan a wedding, that part of why I wouldn't want a wedding is this.

The stress of who to invite, what are they going to say. All jokes aside, just the idea of how many people you offend and don't offend. And it seems like it's kind of about, it's this inventory, like a friendship inventory happens at a wedding that's like so much pressure. And then the tables, where do the tables go? Yeah. Where are you sitting? And who's like, who's part of the bridal party? All that stuff is like, it kind of feels like it does take you back to school in some ways of.

Clicks. Yeah. Who's invited to the birthday party. Everyone, it is a ranking because you have your, your bridal party. It's like the maid of honor and the best man. And that's like, okay, so who's top of like, of all your best friends, who's the top five? Micah yours? Yeah.

Micah was mine. And then even after that, like there's still an order of which people walk down the aisle and stand next to you up there. Yeah. So then it's like, OK, so now I have to do another order. Yeah. And then after that, it's like who gets the seat closest to the main table? Yeah. So it's really like top hundred in order every time you get married.

Every time you get married? Yeah. When you put somebody in a shitty seat, that is because you don't care about them that much. Like there were people in bad seats at our wedding and it's because they were low priority. I think I would go me, my brothers, obviously, Jeff and Riley, and then maybe Francis over there. Yeah. And then am I forgetting anyone? I don't think you're forgetting me. I think I go without saying, but you didn't say where.

When you say me, that actually reminds me of Streeter. Streeter, yeah. Yeah. Me, Streeter. We're not talking about like who's invited, right? Oh, and then my main man, Jay, Jesse. Jesse. Jesse.

When you said me, and then you were like, what about me? That reminded me of Streeter, Jesse. And when you just said my main man, Jay and you pointed and i guess i guess if i'm ranking dead last people there's a couple of frenemies in my life that i'm not too down to hang out with you no not quite you yet sean perlman so i don't even make the rommies of the world and then a couple of shit asses that i have to invite out of fucking obligation because i accidentally went to their wedding and gave a speech at their wedding. Not you.

Obviously not you. You're not invited. Who else could it possibly be? Just because I want it to be a small affair. I think that the other thing about this is that I sometimes invited people to me and Jill's wedding. Our wedding, not my wedding. Your best wedding.

That we weren't expecting to come. So like there's a world too where you don't want to go and your friend also doesn't want you to go. Yeah, you got some no's and you're like, this is great, it opens up a person.

Have you guys had the week before last minute wedding invite? Yeah. I've had a couple of those and I take such great pleasure in saying no. A text message, it's like,

huh, next week. That's what I got. I got that recently from a friend in New Zealand. A text message. It's like, huh, next week. This is your official invite? I got that recently from a friend in New Zealand. I like it. This past summer, a friend texted me and Jill, and they're like, hey, clearly this is like. Someone's fallen. Grandma died.

Two tables. We're not going to pretend like we forgot your invite or whatever, but like this opened up. You guys are great. Would you want to come? And we like, it was the day before the wedding, we went it was awesome that's cool i do think there's something liberating and like taking all of the stink off like the wedding invite process and if you want to go go and if you don't don't and you know maybe down the track you have to like have a weird conversation with that friend about it later but like i don't think you should go this guy

shouldn't go to the wedding yeah to feel like if he doesn't want to be there, he's not going to enhance their experience. Especially with this attitude. You'd rather be at Bonner. Yeah. Absolutely don't do this as a favor because it is not a favor. You showing up begrudgingly doesn't help anyone. They're probably desperate for you not to come. Yeah.

You do. Eating a $200 steak begrudgingly. You'll either save them cash or get somebody, free up the invite list for someone else. Jake and Jill will get the invite. They'll gladly show up. Do you have to give a reason

when somebody says, RSVP no? I think you just say, I'm sorry, we're booked up that weekend. And I don't think that this guy's going to be looking at social media

to see that you're at Bonnaroo. You're just shirtless in a fanny pack. Maybe don't post. I would steer away from posting. You can hide your story from certain people

in your settings. Wow. Have you done that? Not me per se. Don't lie. No, Jill's the one that taught me. She did it.

She's hid her story from people. That's so funny. That happened right as she stopped posting entirely. I think it was like something like this.

Yeah. We're like. She never posts though. So why would that come up? I used to always watch her stories and comment that she was keeping it a hundred. And now she's blocking people. Were you maybe commenting too much, Amir? I was commenting a lot, but it went away.

Who did she block? No one actually. She did stop. To think of her blocking someone puts me on the verge of tears because I imagine that I can't hear her story. Someone hiring that conant from her.

It was a hunnit conant. What was the thing we used to be able to do on MSN chat? You know what I remember? You used to be able to like MSN chat. Do you guys remember that?

No. I never did MSN. MSN Messenger. We were AIMing. We were ICQing. You did shit weird in New Zealand. It was all ass backwards back there. Oh my God, it's still on MSN probably there.

What is it? You're fucking MSN messaging a kangaroo or something. That's funny, 69ing a kangaroo or something. I didn't say that. Guys, I'm not from Australia. Where? I'm not from Australia. Okay.

All right. My first name's Frances and I'm from New Zealand. God, it felt so good to get that off my chest. They don't have fucking kangaroos there? No. Not one kangaroo in New Zealand? No, no snakes, no kangaroos, no wombats, no boobies, no koalas. None of them.

What's a kiwi? Is it the fruit or is it a type of animal? It's a bird. It's a bird, right? Do they have kiwi the fruit there too? Yep. Indigenous? No.

Did you ever instant message one on MSN? MSN. I can't believe you guys didn't have that. That is, it was iconic. It was, again, around the same age I was in Splinter, the band. Things were taking off musically for me. Small things, bobbing the knees. We should do Weezer.

Or however you would say it. It was right after I got that haircut too. We should do Weezer, mate. It was a good year. But no, MSN Messenger, It was like just a chat thing Maybe it's the same as AIM Or whatever But you used to be able to hide

When you were online And it was a big thing That you'd like hide From some people after school And then somebody would be like But she says It shows that she's online to me Oh wow

Do you remember that? Yeah You could do that on AIM as well Invisible mode Yeah Oh that's so mean And then you'd It was the original ghosting

Yeah In plain sight Yeah You would have been a good coach Back in the day Oh yeah Oh, that's so mean. And then you'd bust somebody else. It was the original ghosting. Yeah. In plain sight. Yeah. You would have been a good coach back in the day. Oh, yeah. Jake, were you doing a bit of casual talk-throughs? I learned my ways on AIM.

My God, I was a king of away messages. ASL? Those were the fucking days. You ever use %N? That would display their screen name in your away message. Oh, yeah. How cool is that move? That's so dope. I got lost in that. Hey, Bob Rooney, I your away message. Oh, yeah. How cool is that move? That's so dope. I got lost in it.

Hey, Bob Rooney, I'm away from the keyboard right now. And it's like, how did they know that it would, oh, they put percent N. So it's displaying my fucking screen name on their A message. You ever not do that? So people thought it was percent N, but it was actually just at Joe Winix. Oh, that's cool. So you did it like, so he thought you presented in, but then everyone would be reading his screen name.

That's right. That's really dope. And then did you ever have like a quote in your AIM profile? Like a Dave Matthews quote? Yeah. You know what? I actually, okay. Real, I feel like I might've told this story at one point,

but because I was so- Was it last week? Oh no, you weren't on last week. Yeah, that's right. I once, cause I was in a band in uh in high school a rival band um we were called wally j was this before or after you got the tattoo it was way before i think i was 15 but we i put a song that i wrote into this into uh my profile like hoping that people would think it was like Dashboard Confessional. That level.

And I remember like a few months later, someone like a friend of mine had taken a lyric from the song and put it in hers. Wow. And we never played a show. She didn't know that was an original line that I wrote.

Do you remember the line? It was so emo. It was like, no. It was like something like, someday you'll, I mean, this is, the spirit was, someday you'll like me, but it'll be too late and I won't be into you. That's cool. That was the spirit. I did not know you went that earnest. I couldn't have picked that.

Oh, man. No, it was very earnest. Yeah. Did you write a few tracks? Yeah. I'll think of some lyrics during the break. We'll come back and I'll remember this line. What was your first email address? Do you remember what yours was?

Mine was my brother's AOL email address. I just used it. Because I was like 11 and he was 15. So it was Picasso at Earthlink.net. Picasso at Earthlink. Picasso with a K. And did I mention Picasso had a K in it? Mine was just talk to the hand.

At hotmail.com. The number two? Just talk to. No, but it had underscores between the words. That's cool. But for years, my password, until like probably I moved to America, my password for everything, like, you know, way since I got my other email addresses and whatever, it was still not the face. I'll talk to the head, not the face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so old. But it's not the password for anything now, don't bother. Nice. This is iCloud. All right. All your photos were just leaked, by the way. Nudes everywhere.

Nudes, N-O-O-D-Z. Not the face. Just talk to the head. Oh, fuck. It was tragic. Good stuff. All right. Let's take a break.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, Exactly. dot fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey that's right so if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we are back rose do you have any

is it the same jingle for that each time yeah that one we sort of kept because we liked it it's perfect do people submit new ones uh they used to and now they sort of kept because we liked it so much. It's perfect. Do people submit new ones? They used to, and now they sort of stopped because that one is without flaw. We have no notes. Do you have any unsolicited advice? I don't. Okay, I got one. Okay. It's sort of a reimagining slash sequel to my first one of getting a water pick.

Do you have a water pick? I got one. Hated it. Okay. Lost it. So I got one, I think it was about two or three years ago. And then that was our first piece of unsolicited advice. And my water pick has been slowly declining and I sort of didn't really realize it until I did what I think is my new piece of unsolicited advice, which is get a new

water pick. That's right. I've got a better one Okay I have a much much better one Salad Green leaves Right You're making a salad You want to wash those leaves Don't you Of course

How do you dry them How do you dry them And you don't want You don't want to fill up Your kitchen with gimmicks Right All these gadgets and things Salad spinners

And shit like that Yeah You put them on a tea towel Put all the lettuce leaves On a tea towel Okay Grab the ends of it Like a little knapsack. This is what you said was better?

A little knapsack. Like you'd put it over your shoulder when you were leaving home. You bundle it up and shake it? You bundle it up and you spin it around like the centrifugal force. Like a helicopter. Like a helicopter. And all of the water flies off the leaves into the tea towel. The tea towel? What's a tea towel the tea towel what's

a tea towel can you translate that for me is that like a paper towel no it's like a it's like a hand towel except it's a it's a little bit bigger it's probably 20 no it's it's like 18 by 24 yeah or uh what do you call the thing that you use in the kitchen to like hand towel like to wipe down the counters it's it's more like grab the grab the hot things out of the oven But that's like a thick sort of heat Okay, my unsolicited advice is get a tea towel Actually, if you go to firmliving.com, I've got a tea towel that I really love Oh, really? Yeah, it's a beautiful tea towel

100% cotton? I think it's 100% cotton, let's pull it up Okay, I understand what a tea towel is So you're putting the leaves in there? You're putting the lettuce leaves in there You're spinning it around Spin it around how? On a stick?

No no no Just clutch the ends Like a bindle of sorts Yeah yeah Yeah exactly Whip it around your head A bindle That was what I was describing

With the knapsack thing on your back But that's not what it is Okay so you're spinning it around Super fast The water goes off the leaves Into the tea towel And out a little bit So it's better to stand on the balcony

If you can do a spin I see But it's great. I did it last night, dried those leaves very quickly. You don't have to hand pat them down, which can take a long time when you're making a beautiful fresh green salad. You have this platform to tell anyone, to give anyone a piece of your mind, and it's how to dry leaves.

It's spin salad around your head on the balcony. Aren't most of the leaves pre-washed? I would like everybody to write in who uses that and just be honest, but just make sure these guys know that they're getting a lot. When they bring me into the show, they're getting valuable advice. They're getting stuff people use.

Help me out, guys. Washing fruits and vegetables seems necessary. Everyone talks about it. But then I'm like, I'm just running this dirty thing under sink water. Now it's got dirty things on it in the sink water. I'm never like scrubbing it so dry. When you like rinse salad leaves, it doesn't fully, to me, it doesn't fully feel like, oh, okay, like the salad's clean now.

I'm usually holding them in my like open palms and sort of just like shaking them dry. Yeah, we do the same thing. Yeah. And now it's like thing I'm not helpful in that It's sort of wet Yeah but then they're soggy in the salad Yeah soggy in the salad That's why I don't really like I actually

I've put them on a tea towel before I didn't do the spinning thing I thought you were I put them on a tea towel Fold up the tea towel That's nice Sort of like Lettuce by

Leaf by leaf right I bob it like a baby That's nice But it doesn't You'll do one leaf at a time Like a jolly jumper And you air dry it with your breath. Oh, that's definitely dirty.

Per leaf of arugula. And then you lay it out. One day later, naturally evaporating. And then the next one, soap, water, dryer, dry, tea towel, whatever. You just want to rinse off like the dirt, really, off leaves. You know, if you've bought some beautiful organic produce and you've got a little bit of dirt on it at the farmer's market, just kind of rinse off that dirt. That's nice. Are you veggie at all?

You know about Jake's Megan diet? What's Megan? I've also been thinking about calling it weekend, which is the freaking weekend. It's vegan throughout the week, but not on the weekend. It's basically 75% to 80% plant-based and then not giving a shit sometimes. Oh, that's a good – I like that model, actually. So mostly vegan, sometimes not. Yeah, I didn't eat meat for like five years, and – or fish or anything.

And then I went backwards. I was ahead of the game, ahead of the curve. Started eating it again about five years ago, probably around about when I met you guys, actually, maybe 10 years ago. And then I do wish – I'm very mindful that it doesn't feel like a good thing that I do, but I'm not – I haven't made hard and fast rules. But I tend to eat a lot of plant-based stuff, I'd say. The nice thing about vegan or vegan is there aren't hard and fast rules. It's just like, yeah, I'm pretty much vegan, except sometimes I don't give a shit. Well, yeah, you need to be a certain personality to be able to do that. An addictive personality

wouldn't work well with that. They would just do whatever they want all the time. Somebody actually emailed us. I started, Aaron says, my version of Megan is veg-ish, vegan leaning, and sometimes fish. I like that. Oh. Do they fuck with eggs? They probably fuck with eggs, but she talks specifically about sushi. Nice.

Yeah. What are you going to do with sushi? Vegans can't have sushi? No. What, are you going to tell me you can't have a sushi? Well, vegans can't have sushi. What, they can't have tuna? Megans can have sushi.

Yeah. You're allowed to have sushi because sometimes you don't give a shit. That's the point of being Megan. How long have you been Megan, Jake? My whole life by accident. Sometimes I'll eat meat and sometimes I don't. It's very noncommittal. I started being vegan in early January.

But like- This year? Yeah. So like a few weeks ago. Okay. Yeah. How's the huge commitment going? It's been really nice.

I think most of the time I eat vegan and then sometimes I don't. And you get to eat pasta, which you like anyways. Yeah, pasta's good. I really wanted- The thing that I wanted to do most of all is just like introduce a lot more vegetables into my diet. Because sometimes, I don't know, I was like, even when I was eating meat, I was still not eating a lot of vegetables. And now, not eating meat, I'm like trying to get more. Well, now you've got the salad whirly trick. Yeah.

You're going to be good at that. And now that I know how to wash my salad. What if it's raining outside? Do you not have a shelter on your balcony? Get a shade cloth. That's cool. Shade cloth for the balcony, tea cloth for the leaves. A shade cloth is just a giant tea towel.

All right, we'll get the towel. But yeah, get a new, if you got a water pick when I told you to get one, get a new one. It'll blow your mind. That includes you. Do they have like a newer model? I'd love one with a thinner profile. I hate, I just, again, get a new one. It'll blow your mind. That includes you. Do they have like a newer model? No. I'd love one with a thinner profile.

I hate, I just, again, it's another gadget that you've got to have sitting in the bathroom now. I don't want another thing. But I got a new one and I used it. I was like, whoa, I don't know what I've been using. It's a very weak, loud stream. This new one is like a silent assassin for me. It's like, does it hurt at all?

It feels like a power drill. No, but it just feels a lot cleaner than my last one. Maybe I would be interested in getting a new one. I've sort of fallen out of love with my water pick. Yeah. Start, get yourself a water pick

that can do both. Clean your teeth and I'll watch a movie with it. No, Joe, maybe you should do a tutorial video because my problem with them was a lot of

splash back. You want to splash it towards your throat. Can you, maybe for Patreon there could be like a special video of him. How-to videos on Patreon. It seems like some weird japanese fetish site where it's just like me using a fucking like asmr with milk instead of water have you ever used milk instead of water no i didn't yeah i've never

done you use milk instead and you spray it up your ass that's a separate patreon that i'm starting that's right uh okay we got another question from a 22 year old guy in canada that's a separate Patreon that I'm starting. That's right. Okay, we got another question from a 22-year-old guy in Canada. That's right, a Canadian. Rose, you get it. You lived in Vancouver for five years or so. What's he asking about? Well, about Tinder. So why don't you give this guy a Tinder-based Canadian name?

Think about it. Think long and hard. Tinder-based Canadian name, Think about it. Think long and hard. Tinder-based Canadian name, Chad. That's great. That's awesome. 22-year-old guy who lives in Canada

named Chad. He's recently moved there from Nebraska. Of course. Following Jake's advice from early episodes, I am on Tinder looking for love.

I do pretty well for myself match-wise, but I never seem to get it moving forward than that. Anyway, a few weeks back, I matched with the perfect girl for me. We have the same interests and conversations, and it was going smoothly. Untypical of me, I asked her out, and to my surprise, she said yes. Bear in mind, a year of using the app, and I have never went on a date with anybody. 30 minutes before the first date, she texts me that she's running a bit late. I say, no problem,

and I arrive only to receive another text saying she has to cancel. I completely understand, and she offers to reschedule for two days later. Second date comes around, and this time I'm running late, so of course I inform her. But when I arrive 15 minutes late,

she's nowhere to be seen. I text her, and she sends me a long apologetic text saying she got sick. I told her it's fine, but I'm not interested in arranging the third time am i the asshole here i really like this girl but i'm afraid of being ditched twice i will be starting uh whatever this is from a position of weakness how might i approach suggesting we try again so Wow. So he does If you're worried about losing the upper hand saying that you're

I'm not going to schedule a third time. Good luck, babe. Hey, how's it going? Chad here. Everyone deserves a third chance at love. But this time

I'm going to be running late. Just like the second time. Should he try for a third? Two strikes you're out, three strikes? Did he say he really likes this girl? He had a great conversation with her. So they talked on the phone? No, they probably just messaged.

Okay. I think he's excited about the potential. He's been burned twice. That's right. I would say it's not worth trying to schedule a third time, but not out of the upper hand thing. Where in Canada is he? He might be quite remote. Imagine if we might be deep in the woods.

Edmonton, Winnipeg. These aren't to a penny. Saskatchewan, yeah. The middle of the city. I get that. Maybe the stakes are a little higher if it's really slim pickings. That's right. What's the least amount of effort he could put into a third meetup? Telling her to come to your work as you're getting out of work. Just DTF, question mark. That's right. What's the least amount of effort he could put into a third meetup?

Like telling her to come to your work as you're getting out of work. Just DTF question mark. That's cool. Enough beating around the bush, babe. We clearly have sexual chemistry. I guess, I mean, I would just say like, no worries. If you ever want to do anything, just let me know. But you don't have to be like, I think the weird thing is being like, this one didn't work out.

Well, when can we reschedule that's getting a little bit desperate yeah i think you because like it's also not that cool to feel so upset be like all right well this one didn't work out but let's not do this again yeah i'm never doing this never again it's like more jilted and sad to like be really hard and fast about it i think the coolest thing you can do is not give a shit like you tried you tried twice and now you're just like, I'm over it. What about just like, no worries, hit me up if you're free sometime. Yeah. And then...

You didn't hit me up. Are you not free? You have to be able to commit to the not following up on it. You follow up on it, you dig in the grave. I think maybe you do something like no worries, like not even ask her if she wants to reschedule. Oh, that's cool.

That's pretty boring. That's like you get a text like that and that like makes your stomach tie itself in a knot a little bit. Kind of. Maybe I'd be like, whoa, he seems pretty hardcore and he needs to chill out a little. Like no worries. He's like, oh, emo. We haven't even met. Like I would maybe read that as too hurt. Okay. So there's a wally j song that um sorry this is your old band this yeah this

reminds me of a wally j song is it a cover because it's another song it's not a cover song um no i think you say a friendly no worries like truly don't worry about it um we'll try it we'll try again some other time yeah and then you text her sometime when you're out already, maybe with some friends, maybe some kind of like really low stakes like, hey, I'm out at this bar if you want to come around. Sorry, still busy. Then at least, yeah, if she says that, then it's 100% over. Yeah. Still sick. I guess I feel like with this stuff, I have never been on Tinder.

I'm out of the game for that stuff. But like the stakes seem so low. It's not like you're publicly being embarrassed. Like I would be so direct because what's to lose? You just like who cares if the person doesn't respond. It's not like you have to take it personally. You're not running into them at work every day and having to like walk with your tail between your legs. Why not just be a little.

Like basically say, sorry, do you just not want to hang out? LOL. Because then she will say yes. And then that'll hurt. Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't do that. That's maybe too far even for me. But like I'd probably just go.

What are we, babe? I'm starting to question everything. If I got sick, would you stay with me? You know, like ask something normal like that. You got to like weigh like what you want to say versus like what's the benefit of it. Yeah. Like when this does happen, every fiber of your being probably does want to be like, okay, so like you obviously don't care. This is, we'll never see each other again.

Fuck you. Whatever. But like that doesn't get you anything. Yeah. But I would just, I feel like if I'd been rejected three times, I'd probably just be like, okay, cool. Let me know sometime if you're around. Have a good week. You know, whatever.

Just something friendly and dismissive. Yeah. But then. Friendly and dismissive. Like, friendly that it's fine. Yeah. But, like, with zero indication that, like, it's so fine that it can happen again. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, leave that seed, like, just around. But. What if you say, like, ooh, two strikes on you. Here comes another change-up. Don't whiff, babe. Meet me at here at 11 p.m. If you're really sick, I can make chicken noodle soup.

Do you want to foul that one off? We don't even have to meet. I'll leave it at your place. Is that a meet cute if it's just soup? That's a meat sad. Nice. All right. One last question from somebody from Australia.

It's basically where Rose is from. Okay. Ross. Classic. I'm from the limestone coast of southern Australia. Southern? He was going to try to let that fly. The southern coast of Australia.

And I need your help. Given that you both worked in a shared office space, I'm sure you'll be able to come to my aid. Someone at my work has worms. And given that you both had worms recently. The discovery was made by my boss after using the toilets, and the situation seemed simple. Everyone would take anti-worming tablets,

and it would be done with. Wrong. I worked out the amount of tablets in the pack and it was the perfect amount, uh, for each person in the office. After a few days, there were still two in the pack. Okay. After bringing this up, everyone claimed to have taken a tablet. Why lie about that? The problem has been persisting. I found this coy little parasite openly mocking me with their existence on multiple occasions over the last few months. Enough is enough. How does he notice worms in the

bathroom? They don't flush the toilet ever? Yeah, someone left shit in the toilet and there was worms in the shit? I would straight up kill myself if I saw that, I think. Okay. Also, is it literal? I'm not done with the question. Is it literal or is it, I thought it was was like a sort of a bug, but are they actually little worms?

That's a good question. I don't know. In order to beat the worm, I had to become the worm. I started doing some digging. Nice. After some investigating, I've narrowed it down to two people.

My question is, how do I proceed with this? Do I confront the two individuals and tell them that I know it's one of them? Or dare I say both of them infesting our workplace with his parasitic poop? I'm writing this immediately after finding another worm in the toilets.

So maybe they flush and the worm sticks. I mean, I don't know where he works, but this isn't his job, right? Are worms, is this contagious? Is this a thing? I don't think it's contagious. It's like head lice, I think. I've heard of like worms in dogs.

I've never heard of a man having a worm. No, I know people who have tapeworms. Will you look and see if worms are contagious? Because I feel like- They are, I'm pretty sure. They are? Yeah. I'm pretty sure it's, well, maybe I'm confusing it with ringworm, which is-

Yeah, I'm hesitant to dole out- Tapeworms are not contagious. Okay. Tapeworms aren't, but I think- Are any types of worms contagious? Regular worms. Like, I can give you one. Yeah, so if he sits on the toilet, will the worm crawl up his ass?

Yeah, so you've seen Parasite, right? It's sort of about that. It's not about that at all. Is it not? I fell asleep at the beginning. Oh, my God, no. And just woke up talking to you guys right now. Wow, that's disgusting.

That's a really disgusting workplace problem. Imagine the boss like, all all right everyone's taking worm pills because i haven't been noticing worms in the toilet one for everyone hey there's two left somebody didn't take their worm pill what is the job what is the job do we did he say they're a worm pill distribution company and this is just some sort of weird team bonding exercise. I mean, it's Southern Australia. Anything is probable. This whole fucking thing is a mess. It's next to Tasmania.

I did hear about somebody intentionally getting a tapeworm to lose weight. Jesus. There's got to be an easier way. Right. It's like, Doc, can I have a parasite? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it does all of the digesting for you. And then you pass it. And it's like. It'sesting for you and then you pass it and it's like.

It's eating for two. Yeah. Not to be eating for poo. Not to be gross, but I heard the way to get rid of a tapeworm is to starve yourself and put. Put meat on your tongue. I think that wasn't. Haven't fucking come out. That was an urban myth.

No way is that true. All right. No way. Fuck, really? God, can you fucking imagine? I'm going to beat the bitch. I'm going to wait until she comes right up to the lips. To full snake.

It drags you in. It takes her in. You turn inside out. That's what Parasite was about. Thanks, though. Don't worry about who took the pill and who didn't. There's worm in your fucking toilet. I've never heard of such a workplace.

Quit. This is... Yeah. This shit wouldn't fly in America. Move to Northern, Australia. Isn't it North... Yeah, that is how you would say it. Northern.

Northern. You did Southern. Yeah, but instead of South, I did South. Yeah. But instead of North, it is North. It's Northern, though, but like not North. It's North. North.

North-ish. It's more like North, Eastern, Western, Southern, North-ern. I don't know what you're trying to, are you trying to prove that you were kind of right? Yeah, like South is the only one that we sort of alter. I think Northern we alter. Not as much as south. Not as much, but we alter it. Do we? Rose, I'm sorry, you have to see this. I don't think we alter northern.

Now that you're saying it northern, we don't. North stays north. No one says any of these things. Northern. It's nor. It's nor. Northern. Yeah, but even if you're just saying north, it's nor. North. North or northern. Nor. Nor. The nor stays the same. It's a, northern. Yeah, but even if you're just saying north, it's nor. Nor. It's north or northern. Nor.

Nor. The nor stays the same. It's a little bit more on the nor. Either or, it's more the nor. Rose, I'm sorry you had to be here for that. I'm just concerned about the worms infestation. I'm still a little bit. Oh, right. This guy's workplace.

Don't worry about accusing someone who didn't take the pills. Imagine the guy who, like, what are the odds that the guy that has the worms didn't take the pills? If anything, he'd be most into taking the pills. Right. Are you taking a worm pill if you don't have worms? I would really not want to. Yeah. Like, that's.

This is illegal to offer medication to your company. Everyone has to take a worm pill. Like, I take a shit at home. There's not a worm there. So I'm not going to take it. I'm good. Holy shit. Why has to take a worm pill. Like, I take a shit at home, there's not a worm there. So I'm not going to take this. I'm good. Holy shit, why are you so anti the pill, Jake? I'm starting to think you're a worm.

It starts creeping. I can see it behind your fucking uvula. It's your friend. I blink sideways. Jake's a worm. It's obvious. Have you heard about that worm that climbs into your foot

when you're walking along? Like, I fear I'm going to really ruin some tourist industry. That's a shoelace. No, no, no. It goes up through your heel. No. And it goes into your bloodstream. No.

And it's like along the Amazon River somewhere. Jesus. Do you know about this? No. That sounds awful. Don't think you can take a pill for that one, though. Jake, it seems like you would have that issue. Yeah.

How is your heel? It's great. Is it good? The heel's good. It's bleeding a little bit. You can see how supportive these shoes are. There's a good heel on them. It's a great heel. That could be your unsolicited. That's a full-on platform. Yeah, that's a thick sketcher. Give me one more week to walk through these. It's not a sketcher.

It's not a sketcher. It's not a sketcher. You're wearing Skechers shape-ups? Okay, we're not. You're doing Skechers? Is that your workout? We're not ending the... Okay. You're using your platform to support platform shoes. Look at this thick toe box. Trying to get that extra inch. Nice.

You're almost six feet now. Why don't you host this podcast without me from now on, huh? You would love that, right? All right, cool. Francis and Shmoo-moo? Francis and the Shmoo. It's Frank and the Shmoo. Nice.

Frankie and the Shmoo-Moo Francis and the Shmoo It's Frank and the Shmoo Nice Frankie and the Shmoo Drop that radio Can somebody please draw A Frankie and the Shmoo Poster You're listening If you're listening You're talented

You owe it to Adelight XM I know you've got it in you guys Frankie and the Shmoo You do old Howard Stern It's Frankie and the Shmoo Frankie and the Shmoo Alright Rose

Is there anything you want to promote? Now that you're here, people are listening. What do you want them to do? I'm on the market for a job. Oh. So anything, any submissions would be good. Like a casting director if they're listening. Yep, if the casting director is listening.

A lot of industry people listened. All the industry folks who listened past the shit worm thing. Yeah. Just know that Rose is available. Bear me in mind. Yeah. Know that I'm available. Yeah.

No. Instagram, Twitter, TikTok. I'm not on TikTok yet. But yeah, all of the above. And I did a show, but it's not, it's actually getting its name changed right now. So we don't know what it is yet. Yeah. I'll get back to you.

Read that. What was the old title? Well, it's currently, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it's changing its name. Okay. I've gone too deep. All right. We've said nothing at all. No.

So, no, that's my promotion. I'm working on publicity. I'm working on something I'm not allowed to talk about. Later. Opening theme song, My Own Worst Enemy cover by Nick Goldston. This closing one is an equally good cover, but kind of sad. By Splinter? It's a Tears in Heaven cover.

You know, the saddest song ever. Jesus Christ, why are we doing this? It's a beautiful song, but it felt more of a closing ballad. If you have your own theme songs or questions, submit them to ifireryoushow at gmail.com. More bonus video episodes on our Patreon at

patreon.com slash ja. So if you're jonesing for more, we got more for you. And we'll be back next week. Maybe it'll be me and Jake. Maybe just one of them. I don't know. We'll figure it out. I'm just saying. You won't be. Right, I know. Let's see where it's going.

Would you know my name? Would you know my name? Would you say my name? If you read my question Did you play the game? To find my question about being rude and sending nudes, cause I'll hear these Jews on, if I were you.