Segments - 423: Motion Sickness

Episode Date: February 24, 2020

In this episode we discuss OnlyFans, sea legs, and the perfect NYC date.For more IF I WERE YOU check out bonus Thursday video episodes on our Patreon.com/JA!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live light. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no fuck yeah let's get it boys amir sucks yeah amir is good let's get it boys fuck amir let's do it what was that bit from i think it was from us singing a song and you were insulting me and I was trying to pretend like we were both saying that I was pretty good. Yeah, that's a good bit. I like it. Let's get it, boys. It was remixed by our favorite Don Keanion. Don Keanion!

That's right. If you use this, it would be number seven theme song. Wow, dude's catching up to Goncalves. For our most prolific award. Anyways, if you'll honor me with a plug, writes Don Key, please send them to my website, wolf-riot, with two t's, dot com. That was almost good enough that's right you don't want to see the dash but then two words like wolf riot is pretty cool two t's that's tough yeah that's tough two deviations from the wolf riot that you wanted yeah that's tough i wonder if you can get a domain name with two hyphens back to back interesting i didn't even know you can get a domain name with two hyphens back to back

interesting i didn't even know you could get a domain with a hyphen yeah i didn't know you could hyphenate a domain yeah i guess you can that's new to me that really changes the squarespace plug game yeah i mean they you do need that at a certain point i wonder i mean you can can you use numbers in a domain like i could do yeah jk85.com yeah like art19.com oh i'm so stupid yeah what about an emoji an emoji in a domain name i don't think that's good or possible but or should be possible but can you do a colon and a parentheses? Yeah. JakeHurwitzSmiley.com. The smiley should be the extension. So like JakeHurwitz.smile. Yeah. And I think that's available. I would hope so. You should get that.

JakeHurwitz.sunglassemoji. That's cool. Yeah. It'd be kind of chill. All right. We're back. You're back. Yeah, it'd be kind of chill. All right, we're back. You're back. You were in Mexico for a little bit. Indeed. I was in Mexico, as they say. And was it warm there? It was lovely.

It was absolutely perfect. Was it good to be there? It was great to be there. High 70s during the day, low 70s to high 60s at night. So you could wear pants comfortably. It was really nice. Very nice. On the West Coast, we're watching the sunsets right from the pool.

Stray dogs everywhere. So it's kind of nice to see puppies, though their circumstances are admittedly a little sad. But your life is good when you can see a lot of dogs so that was nice yeah um and then you wonder how they get fed yeah totally well i mean they eat trash so yeah okay that's fair not good not great but nice to see the dogs as long as you throw away as long as you throw away enough dog food they're they're good to go we're throwing away food they they they ate plenty uh highlights for me

personally i um as you know i've i've reached delta diamond status because i've been flying a lot um and jill who sometimes makes fun of me for being so loyal to Delta. More loyal to Delta than to her. We got upgraded on, it was a connection. So we got upgraded to Atlanta, then Atlanta to Puerto Vallarta. We got that first class upgrade. Are you crying? Yeah, I'm just thinking about how much I hate this, but continue.

So, I mean, that was huge. That was absolutely massive for me. That was a savage grade. That made the trip for me because not only did I get – we had access to the Delta Sky Lounge. I had control of my seat. And as you know, control is nothing for access is nothing without control so i had control like you had access did you have a nice time with like the friends and what were they serving on the flight newark to atlanta and atlanta's a hub mind you so they have the salmon they have the chicken a basket of snacks

coffee service tea whiskey wine and a honey mustard the water the water didn't stop coming nary did my bottle see it's half way mark

without me being asked if i'd care for another and was jill upgraded too or was it she didn't have to be because i had bragging rights i had access and i had control no she got upgraded too that was the best part good uh so so we get there we it was such a smooth trip. We were going to this beach town called Sayulita. I've never been to Puerto Vallarta. No idea what we're going to do, how we're going to get the car, how we're going to get our groceries. But it was also seamless and easy.

That's nice. easy um i and i guess the the highlight is a little bit of an adventure i'd say on uh on day first day we get there we just enjoy the pool we go out to dinner in the town it's it's perfect next day we kind of do we're just lounging by the pool hanging drinking games uh then on monday we went on a catamaran we booked this like kind of like cruise um because there's 14 of us was it a booze cruise and for some for some it was a booze cruise i would say jill was like a little nervous because she's like i think i might get seasick i don't know if i should go she's like hemming and hawing she's not sure if she wants to go somebody else is like i get seasick sometimes too i'm just gonna take this like dramamine thing so and i'm like not pressuring jill at all because like the last thing i i don't know if she gets seasick so the last thing i want to do is like oh you'll be fine and then she's out at sea like absolutely miserable so i'm just like

whatever you want to do i like saying you'll be fine but you don't know you'll be fine yeah people absolutely get seasick no like no jill you're gonna be good trust me go on this catamaran with me babe she's puking you'll be fine you're fine right now so like the first so we wake up everyone's like already even like a little hungover but we get on the we get on the catamaran um not a good way to start yeah i i love it um as you know i'm reading my the master and commander series so anything that has to do with me being uh on a sailboat at sea is super exciting to me right now you're dressed up like a full 18th century naval commander on this booze catamaran. I'm buckled into my pantaloons. I'm wearing a wig.

Sweating your ass off. You look like Washington crossing the Delaware. Everyone else is in a fluorescent tank top. A tarpaulin jacket. I'm dressed for like the Arctic. So we get out of the harbor. We're like going out to see jill's there i noticed that she's being like a little quiet and i'm like i can't tell and everybody's sort of like a little quiet just like chill and i can't tell if jill is like content and chill she's like eyes out at the horizon i'm like oh i think she might be feeling a little seasick and i go and i went up to her and i'm just like hey are you okay and she just looks at me her teeth are chattering her hand is shaking and she's like is it too late to turn back she dives for the coast you're 400 meters away the worst and we had been sailing for

maybe 15 or 20 minutes so like it was too late to turn back. We couldn't go back. Did she take the Dramamine? She took the Dramamine. And I, like, I had prepared for her to be like, I'll be okay. You're just, like, a little bit miserable. But, like, she's like, I'll get through it. There's also no shade at sea. But can we go back?

No. And you're sitting there. It's, like, it is rocky. You're just, like. Yeah, yeah constant it's up and down there's no relief at sea it's hot it's sunny and it's constant rocking and i guess like to me i think of like the rocking and the sun is like cradling and it's it's it's a gentle swell and i don't know i like i like all that stuff but even i was like you know there's like an adjustment period for like a few minutes where you're like whoa this is weird um but i guess so instantly there's 14 of us maybe four to five people got seasick and just like had to like

put their hats over their heads lie in the like the little part of shade that the boat had, and not look at anything. I've gotten seasick. Weren't you there when Ben Joseph took us on his sailboat around the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, that was dope. I loved that. But I also threw up that day. I was super hungover. I think everyone threw up. Did you puke? You did, right? I puked. And then also, like, I was on a biology trip in 10th grade where they took us out to sea. And, like, I also started puking there.

I wonder what that is. I think it's just called being Jewish. I guess so. But I'm Jewish. I got a little... Only half. Yeah. That's why you got sort of queasy, but you didn't puke. That's right.

My fortitude shown through, but it was great. They like brought us out to this, um, this like Island that only people can only get there by, I guess. I think it's actually connected to the land, but it's an area where there are no roads.

So you can only get there by boat. Um, to the land but it's a area where there are no roads so you can only get there by boat um so this entire town was like built by like people uh bringing their shit across the ocean and then like carrying it up on mules and there's like these waterfalls this completely private beach um and then on the way back it's like there were 14 of us i think on the way back, it's like there were 14 of us. I think on the way back, half of us were seasick. And the other half, like it turned into like they're taking shots with the captains, blasting music. Oh, my God. Like shaking their asses over the side. Like one half of the boat was so sick, could barely even move.

And the other one, it was like two different two different vacations where were you lasting blasting music i was i was really in the middle because like i didn't feel sick but i also i don't really like to day drink so i didn't get drunk and i'm sort of like checking in on jill and then i'm also just like i just want to like lay in the sun read my book so so i was like with the sick people i guess but not feeling as sick and we're talking puking um i think maybe two people puked and everyone else was more just like i need like peace and quiet i need to lie down i'm taking a nap that kind of i wonder yeah i wonder what dramamine actually does how could there be a pill that doesn't make you nauseous

i don't quite understand that. Yeah. And there's also those weird like bracelets, you know, those bracelets where you- Yeah. They're supposed to like put pressure on like certain parts of your body that make you less seasick. It doesn't make any sense to me. It really doesn't.

I don't buy it. It does not. But you don't like, sailing aside, does the idea of like being on a boat in the middle of the ocean and diving off does that like spark joy for you does that stir your heart no like you don't even like swimming in the ocean i like swimming like i'll go like um i did snorkeling in hawaii and that was really fun like you're sort of by the shore but like whenever you want you can like stand up and walk back to the shore right the idea of being so far out into the ocean that you can't see any land, that's not a good place to be.

That's stranded. That's stuck. That's scary. And I'm getting a little nauseous thinking about it. Going up on your mic, man. I'm going to pull the trigger. Yeah. But that was funny because it was like one of my highlights and probably

jill's low light and doesn't that say it all yeah some people peak some people bottomed out right there yeah and then how do you get over you just have to like lay down in a dark room that's not rocking for like three hours but i i found it was like kind of insane because jill was like she she ended up not getting like super seasick. She was more like nervous about being seasick, I think. But like once we pulled up to this like little cove and everybody jumped off the boat and like swam to the beach, everyone, even the people who were sick were 100% fine. Like as soon as they got off the boat, they're like, yeah, this is awesome. I'm really happy. And then we like got on the boat again're like yeah this is awesome i'm really happy and

then we like got on the boat again to like go 10 minutes down towards the town and people are just like oh i'm sick like yeah i wonder what that is what's going on inside of our bodies yeah it's so instantaneous especially because you know as babies were being rocked constantly you think that's like a more um nourishing comforting feeling yeah and there it also really does affect i mean there were jill has like told me for a long time that she gets seasick so i like expected it but there are people on that boat that are like very adventurous hearty people that seem like they'd love it and they were just like super sick so it's not like it it it preys on uh the little nebbish jew boys like you anybody can suffer from the seasickness yeah fucking jost could get seasick i bet

i doubt it i used to get plane sick yeah you got car sick too yeah i get every mode of transportation motion sickness yeah yeah it's all the same sickness what about on a bike if you went on a long if you were a long walk would you start to feel ill no i've never felt ill on a bike or i've never i rarely rode a bike but i've also never been sick on a walk either i get walk sick land sickness i think i'm getting sit sick sometimes if you toss and turn in your sleep, you'll vomit, right? Yeah. That's only when I'm wasted. Waking up choking on my own puke. All right.

Let's try to answer a question before the break. This is a Fireweaver, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake. Here's a question about porn, of course. Yes. I really am an expert at this okay so this guy's inquiring about an only fans account do you have a guy's name for him um sure only fans let's call him lonely frank it's cool yeah it's sort of like a, yeah. Okay, dudes, here's the deal.

I'm a 25-year-old male from Michigan, and I recently learned that my ex has an OnlyFans account. On the off chance you've never heard of OnlyFans, it's like Patreon but for sexy pics. Now, I have no problem with my ex posting and selling sexy or even nude photos of herself. It's her body. She can do whatever she wants with it, of course. Good. selling sexy or even nude photos of herself it's her body she could do whatever she wants with it of course good if she makes if she can make a few bucks off selling some salacious photos then more

power to her hell i'd do it too if i thought i could make some cash now the issue is when we were dating she never even sent me nude photos i got sexy photos sure and believe me they still get the job done, but never nudes. And at the time, she told me that she never took nudes and that it would have sent me some if she did. So I'm not sure if I pay to join her OnlyFans if I'll see more of what I already have or more nudity. I mean, I'm a single horny guy who doesn't mind occasionally paying for porn in small doses. But if it isn't nudes, then I don't want to pay for it since I already have photos of her.

I mean, let's face it, fellas. Sexy photos are great, but they have nothing on nudes. Also, I'm not sure if it matters, but this relationship ended poorly. And we haven't spoken in over a year. She moved to a different state. So I can't actually use my current account since she'll know it's me right anyway my question is this is it weird or bad for me to make a fake account sign up and get my ex's only fans account i don't want to get back

together with her or anything but if her nudes are out there i would like them since i don't have any of her nudes that's right any help would be appreciated appreciated sincerely what did you call him uh lonely frank lonely frank uh that question is written so in such earnest i really like it is i feel like one he doesn't have a problem i don't know there isn't this is the absence of a problem you're overthinking just a scenario uh two it seems fine but three I don't like your tone. It's fine that she's doing it. I'll allow it to happen. It's her body.

But guys, I think, and I just want to pay for it, but I'm not going to pay for it if I'm not getting the nudes. I mean, sexy photos don't have anything on nudes. Yeah, we know that. Everything he said was like implicitly obvious, but he beat it over the head. Yeah. But that's the thing. Like, it's clearly fine for him to just like make a fake account and see his ex's nudes.

I just felt like that was a strange email. Yeah. Does it affect what you think of him as a human? It's sort of, he, that email, he didn't seem like a bad guy. He seems like a, what is the, it seems like he's like meticulously studied how to be a good normal guy so he's like he's basically showing us the work everywhere whereas like i feel like a lot of that stuff should just be like not occurring naturally to you yeah like him saying it's okay that she doesn't only fans like yes of course it is okay but he's like it's okay because it's her body and she'll do what she wants like yeah i know doesn't it feel like he had to sort of work through that himself and

now he's sort of like presenting it as like information that he discovered because his initial reaction was this is not okay this is my ex yeah he's like i i don't know if i'll allow her to do it but i don't know i guess it's her body after all you know what yeah i will allow her to do it and i'll let everyone know asking you for permission yeah i'll show everyone else how enlightened i am by uh by walking us through is only fans new or is it has it been around since your porn days of your it definitely wasn't around since my porn days of your. I think there's like, it's kind of these new ways of like monetizing your content yourself rather than being part of like the big studios, the browsers, the bang buses of the world. Just like Patreon.

Yeah, it's Patreon for porn stars. Direct-to-consumer. Yeah. It's unbundling porn. Right. You can finally get your porn a la carte. A la fart. A la fart, especially if you're into fart porn.

I think partially, also, this OnlyFans thing has unlocked fetishes that no one ever even knew that they had. Where like you couldn't find so much of this stuff in like mainstream porn. But now there's like such a there's a lot of there's demand for farting videos or crushing videos or whatever. And giant test videos. So now people are just like making them themselves. Yeah. So you're saying we could almost do that. I'm not saying that at all.

And it's fart video. That doesn't seem like we already. Yeah. I mean, we've already made steak and some sausage. What? That gets me pretty gassy on the day. I mean, yeah.

You could, I don't think you want to do the kind of fart videos that they make online. Oh, I think I'm getting porn sick. It's not. I think it's the bloody. Oh, I was just thinking about humping. You had food poisoning. I'm going to pull the the trigger emotion sickness during sex if i'm being ridden it'll feel a little bit too much like i'm in a boat a pleasure boat but still all right the long and the short of it is should this guy get his ex-girlfriend's only fans

is it amoral is it not good in any way i think it's one of those things that you shouldn't it is there a word if we should we've i've been thinking about the idea that you and i should make uh we should like make words wouldn't it be cool if we made a word that like became uh part of like the social lexicon like and people said it and they didn't know where it originated oh so you want to coin a term yeah so i i think this is our opportunity because so like doing something like this like checking in on your ex's only fans it's not inherently wrong but it's like bad if you talk about it like you wouldn't want this to be public knowledge but it being like a pervy private thing that you do is i think normal so would you say do

it would you say not would you say do it anonymously fake account or just go for it full do it anonymously fake account and don't tell anyone that you did it so like us including us like you shouldn't have even written this email but like what is the what's the yeah we should edit this out what's the word for something is fine as long as you don't say anything it's kind of like jerking off i mean like it's not illegal or bad for me to masturbate in my shower but it'd be weird if i like was getting ready for work and i'd be like oh all right jill i'm gonna i've just finished masturbating the shower i have to run you know i wouldn't do that say that no so like a private personal thing what about non-full transparency oh opaque transparency

what about transparency oh that's cool so it's like the southwest thing but we stole it and made it ours but it'll be fair f i f i r f a-R. So it's like fair to hide it. So we'll steal it from Southwest still. Yeah. Okay. Instead of full transparency, it's empty transparency. Oh, wait, what? Tell me again.

Instead of full, it's empty transparency. Yeah. It has to be more of a pun. Okay. Let's take a break and think about it. And then we'll be back on the other side of these messages with more questions and answers and a perfect pun guaranteed oh i think i'm gonna be sick dude shit fuck quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments and we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back.

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actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail mary is when you chuck it right damn i think you should download the draft kings pick six app select between two and six players for you to put some money on you select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat it's that simple and for all first time pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play five dollars on your first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits only on draftraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add?

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Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we are back. Jake, do you have any?

Oh, it's a lesson in the five. it is thanks draftkins and we are back jake do you have any mom i'm coming gross yeah yeah you know what i frankly do i i honestly have some this week yeah is it about puking or uh, this thing probably would make you puke. I've bought and have been very much enjoying my Theragun. That's that little jackhammer instrument that you use to massage yourself. Yes. It looks kind of like a drill, but it pummels you with a rubber head. I mean, you see them on Instagram. You see them everywhere.

There's other... It's a power massager. I think there's a couple different kinds out there too. The one I got is like the mid-range Theragun. The official Theragun. Yeah, I really like it.

Wow, where do you use it? Other than your cock. That's good shit. What what so i use it on my cock and my nuts stop stop it you started it um no i so i use it mostly on my cock and my nuts i have you sit on it yeah um i started i use it on like my legs my hip flexors my quads um and my glutes i spin it around and put it on my ass so you use it on your buttock yeah not in it but on it okay and what's the difference what's the what's the uh science there just sort of shakes your muscles yeah who knows i i don't know that like it's actually In it, but on it. Okay. What's the science there? It just sort of shakes your muscles?

Yeah. Who knows? I don't know that it's actually understood or proven, but it's like the same. I feel like I read one time that there's not actually a proven benefit even to foam rolling or something. Just whatever is good is good like this thing I was reading was like you can if basically someone foam rolled on one side but like got the benefits throughout their whole entire body because like it's

it's partially mental maybe yeah it's part mental part mental compartmental but this thing I mean it's kind of like massage it just loosens up the muscles and uh it feels it feels real good it if i have like a tightness in my quads or in sometimes my lower back hurts and i use the theragun on my ass cheeks and it relieves it a little bit that's cool you know there's also just the it feels good as it's happening so like your body

feels good afterwards and it feels good during. Yeah. It's like a massage. The Theragun, it's the live lightweight, which is something, which I've been curious about getting a massage, but I've never, I still haven't pulled the trigger. That's cool. How's the foot? The foot's good, man.

It's very. You went swimming. I went swimming. I i went i rode my bike yesterday i've been walking around it's it's great what what percent back are you i think 85 maybe it feels better than my foot did before. It still feels like there's like a, it feels like maybe there's like a little bit of a, what is the word? Kind of like before it was like a,

a long, long ago injury. So there never felt like if I was running on it and it hurt, it didn't feel like I was doing more damage. It just felt like this is my foot. So sometimes when my foot is in pain now it's like there's more uh panic behind it a little more urgency i'm like oh fuck i can't hurt it so it's like a little more sensitive anymore no more yeah i'm done with it at the same time like it doesn't there's no resting pain at all it's this is exactly the two-month anniversary of your surgery.

It's crazy. That's another piece of unsolicited advice I have. If you have pain in your feet and there's a surgical option for you that could work, I say go for it. It was bad while it was happening, but I feel really good now. All right.

Let's answer this question about a New York City first date dilemma. Yes. We'll call this person Micah, who lives in New York City and talks about first dates a lot. Correct. Hey guys, I'm going down south from New England

to rendezvous with some friends for a couple days for spring break this year. And on my way down, I'm going to pass through New York and see a girl I'm friends with. We're planning on spending a day hanging out. And at some point, I'm planning on telling her that I have feelings for her. This is a pretty good situation, I think, since if she's not into it, I can just hoof it south and then not see her for a while. And if she is, then I can say something to the effect of,

stop by on my way back. Can, stop by on my way back. Can I stop by on my way back through and take you out? Here lies the rub, boys. I've never, literally ever, been to New York City before. I can't fathom where I'd take her, especially since she lives there, and I doubt I can come up with new and exciting date experiences for her. Since you guys have lived there slash live there now, what's a good date I could take someone on who A, lives there,

B, I've known forever, so the getting to know you phase isn't a factor. Please help. I really like this girl. I don't want to blow it with a bad first date. We're both in our mid-20s and from New England, if that helps at all. Much love, Micah. Okay, wait, from England, not New England. New England, New England. New England, New England?

Yeah, they live in New Hampshire or some shit. So down south is New York and below. I see. I read that question wrong. I thought it was from frigging England. Okay. That would be cool. That would be cool.

Fucking love England. All right. Well, first of all, this is a topic that my brother and I discussed on our other podcast, The Goat Show. And that ep is already live. That's live. That was two weeks ago, I think. We went on like 10 or 20 different first dates.

Some, yeah, I mean, we reviewed 20, narrowed it down to the best three and the worst one. And that's what the episode is about. The actual best first date you can go on. Okay. So this guy can just listen to you and Micah dissect for 30 minutes what he should do. Yeah. And that's actually why I'm not going to answer the question. And neither are you, because I'm trying to juice those numbers a little bit.

So everyone that's listening to this stop and go listen to the goat show with me and my other brother cousin mirror you're my first brother um well actually he should be the first one i i get i can like answer myself and that'll be no no no no let's in your episode let's zip it up. It's worth, yeah, we've, you know, it's not a full like 40 minutes or anything, but let's close up shop here and send people over. Tell you what, why don't we drop the goat show? At the very least, we can answer more questions. No, I don't, I really, I want to cut the content here

so people are thirsty for something else. So finish it early, leave them wanting more. And that more is the goat show. That's right. Well, actually, no, I would answer this because he does know her, so it's not like a full-on first date, you know? Yeah, so the advice is slightly different. Yeah, he's more looking for, like, a good scenario to tell her he has feelings, which there's a lot to consider. What would you say?

Here's what I liked about, when I was living in New York, what I liked is when somebody visited, you as somebody who lives there got to do some touristy things that you wouldn't otherwise do. Totally, yeah. We're talking about the boat.

You can hop on the Staten Island Ferry, which is not actually rocking the boat very much. That's a very smooth ride. Even me, with my gentle disposition, my fragile nature, didn't get seasick on the Staten Island Ferry. Your fraught frame. Yeah.

We're talking Natural History Museum, that giant-ass whale that sort of hovers over you. They got dinosaur bones. I'm not really going to those with my boys, but it would be fun to go with an out-of-towner. Yeah. When you live in the city, you go to the same coffee shop every day,

go to work, go home, order food, go to sleep. Maybe you go to the gym, whatever. Right. Like, you don't experience all New York has to offer. Or you don't eat the best pizza, even, because it's like 45 minutes deep into Brooklyn. Right. You would never, ever do that so there's at least we can quell this guy's fear that like you can probably suggest something that she hasn't done yet or like even if she she'd maybe heard of it but not actually gone to one of these museums or walked

on the high line or go or uh even just like walking over one of the bridges i think that's that would be my suggestion because it's you have a free-flowing conversation there's like enough to distract you by like looking around and external stimuli but it's not so distracting like you can't have a conversation like at a museum you kind of have to like take in the art and people wander away from each other you're discussing shit you don't want to you want to have something like a walk where you're both you're already kind of on a mission with someone it's inherently uh teamworky and there's a little bit of built-in romanticism if you're walking over one of the bridges because it's beautiful yeah what about a bridge to a museum or after a museum what i like about the museum is that it

gives you something to talk about when you're on a bridge it's like this is small talk to medium talk to large talk there's no necessarily topics of conversations being thrown at you so i'm into that there's something i don't know like what the museum situation is here's what i would suggest um you meet at the brooklyn museum of art okay it's in prospect heights you go to the museum enjoy your time you get a coffee and then you walk through prospect park which is a beautiful beautiful park okay that's cool you could similar similarly do this in manhattan if that's more convenient you go to um yeah i think the history museum is right next to central park yeah exactly so a museum to a park walk that's and you tell her on the park walk you you guys familiarize yourselves with each other you have a nice time at the museum.

Then you drop the bomb. You don't want to do it early because then if it doesn't go well, you can't just hoop it straight south then. You'd have to take in an exhibit, and that'll be sad. Yeah. I don't know. The whole idea of dropping the bomb is also very scary. Do you have to say it in plain words? I have feelings for you. I think. I mean.

Can you feel it out? Yeah. I'm sure you can feel it out. Definitely take social cues. If it's romantic, you can say something. But if it's not, then don't. But yeah, it is weird. I can't remember the last time. A daytime bomb dropping is very, a sober daytime bomb dropping. It's hard to receive.

It's also very, it's an interesting scenario to be in where you like basically have feeling for a friend and you have to like come clean. I don't know if, I've definitely done that when I was like in high school and stuff, but like since then it feels way more like I am trying to date.

So if I'm like going to see you, it's already romantic, you know? Yeah. It seems like if you hang out during the day, if she wants to see you more that night, then she's into it. And if she's like,

I'm busy tonight, then she's not.. And if she's like, I'm busy tonight, then she's not reciprocating. That's an interesting idea. I guess I didn't think of how much time he has in New York. I sort of imagined it was like a day and then he's leaving that evening or something. But if he's going to stay the night, it makes a ton of sense to like do an activity,

like get the best slice of pizza, go to a cool restaurant, go to a museum, see a site, and then suggest like getting a drink later. Yeah. And that's a good litmus test. Yeah. If you have the time,

I would suggest that. And if you don't, site slash museum plus walk being in a park or over a bridge or along the river actually walking along the river might get me a little queasy now that you say it i think i see a a fucking kayaker oh oh no some of these docks aren't like gotta nail down right they're they kind of shift and ebb and flow with the tides. Oh, God. I got wet.

I'm getting walk sick. Do you have feelings for me? Oh, shit. Here comes the Diary of the South. Fuck me ass. Get my Theragun. It's in my backpack. You shit yourself. That has nothing to do with being seasun. It's in my backpack. You shit yourself.

That has nothing to do with being seasick. I need to plug it. I need to plug me shut. Put this on my OnlyFans. Quickly. People, they have premium. Do you have any thoughts or feelings for me? I'm curious if you have feelings.

Don't be afraid to catch feels. Jesus. All right, good luck. Let us know what happens. I'm curious now. Yeah, I'd like a follow-up up here. Full show. And if a full day in a romantic city like New York doesn't get it done,

then you have no game, dude. You have serious social problems. You can't close. Oh, dude. You have serious social problems. You can't close. Oh, God. Talking about closing actually makes me clothesick. Someone has to close me. Alright, thanks for writing those emails in. If you have your own questions

or theme song submissions, send them all down to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening one, if you remember was don kian yan thank you closing one is a longer song called give amir the golden mic no i don't know if you're still doing that in your head i got the golden mic this episode but uh we'll see what happens for you next episode maybe the song will be good uh that'll be fun that'll be interesting to see i've been meaning to ask what about about the episode where Jeff and Riley were on

and you were not? You actually, all three of you guys got turdies for that because I didn't even know that that was happening. Okay. And who got the golden mic? Yeah. I got the golden mic in absentia. In absentia?

In absentia. I got a posthumous golden mic for that episode. You were dead that day. I absolutely deserved a golden mic. I think my absence was keenly felt, which made it a golden mic worthy, sort of like a recognition that my value to the podcast was provided. It was crystallized. It was locked in that episode. In absentia, posthumously.

Actually, this person who wrote this theme song, Give a Mirror to the Golden Eye, is named Jacob. Wow. And if it gets on, shout out to my friends Eitan and Matan. Cool. Israel names, shout out. Wow. A Jacob with an Israeli friend. It's just like us.

That's right. Our fans, they're just like us. That's right. Our fans, they're just like us. And if you want some more content, more If I Were You, more watch videos, it's all on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA. I also got the speech at your wedding on there. We got Lonely in Hornies season one and two on there. That's right. That is, it's content rich at this point.

Yeah, we're over a year deep and there's hundreds, I want to say thousands of hours of content, literally weeks and years worth of content. That's right. For you to comb through. That's right. So check that out as well. Patreon.com slash JA.

And we'll be back next week. Bye everybody. Later. Tell you about my life, listen to it fire you is the highlight I'll be tall in jail, yeah, they got fine wives Told Jake's mom I love her, this what I like Marty knows, 20 of them in my Chevy, then I put them in my belly Eating every one of those, yeah, I'm talking Laura's goodies, we all know she's not a rookie You can buy them at jakesmomscookies.com Tell me why'd she do in this same situation with a fake name

Today's sponsor's probably Squarespace, fan fan of Vance's Jocelyn and Ace wouldn't you know Amir's never won gold mic before huh? when Jake was gone I'm pretty sure the show's guest won really? yeah we love Jake's mom

got her own pod too on HeadGum but we're on Amir's show if I were you here's what I would do give Amir the golden mic give Amir the golden mic give Amir the golden mic win the golden mic he's the host with the most so he deserves to win the golden mic yeah the golden mic give Amir the golden mic give Amir the golden mic do you hear me do you feel me win the golden mic Golden Mike.