Segments - 424: Dead Eyes (w/Connor Ratliff!)

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Friend and fellow Headgum podcaster Connor Ratliff is in the studio discussing bowling, parents, and his new HG Original podcast "Dead Eyes!"See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, did you understand what that was?

Yeah, I knew every single note. That is a carousel cover by the band Blink-182. That's Mark Hoppus on the bass, Tom DeLonge shredding the guitar, Travis Barker on the drums, and a hell of a fucking song. It sounded like it was mostly music and then a little bit at the end, some lyrics. Right. Well, I mean, Carousel, it's got the iconic opening riff that everybody knows and loves, instantly recognizable. And then the guitar knows and loves instantly recognizable and then um and then the guitar riff also instantly recognizable and enjoyable um the lyrics are secondary but the guy

did a great de long impression so i would give that intro a flawless 10 out of 10 uh perfect perfect intro uh connor connor ratliff is here listening to you sort of wax philosophical about Blink-182. What do you think of the song? I have only a passing familiarity with Blink-182. I think I know two songs. I know All the Small Things. Yeah, that was a good one. I like that.

And What's My Age Again. Yeah. You know more songs than that. Connor, you know Dammit? Oh, no. Did I just get elevated in status to the resident expert on Blink-182 now? Yeah, yeah, kind of. I can make you an expert.

Give me the whole podcast, but I can make you an expert just like me. What other song do you think he knows that he doesn't realize that he knows? I think he knows Dammit. I think he knows, I guess this is growing up. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Did you hear? He's saying don't know it, but in a way that- Fine, he knows Adam's song.

It sounds like he knows it. Connor, you know Adam's song. I remember the time that I spilled the cup of apple juice in the hall. Come on, Connor. No, I don't know that song. Now, there is an interesting phenomenon that I found, which is that sometimes I'll sing a song to someone and they will not recognize it at all and i feel like i'm doing a perfect rendition of it right okay and then i'll play them the song like

oh i know that i'm like what did i do different i did exactly that song so may just be the unfamiliarity i think i'm not experiencing the phenomenon because as i was singing adam's song to you i knew i was butchering it i was like tight tight with fear. Here, here. I'll do it. I'll do it. Alright, ready? Of apple juice in the hall. Please tell mom this was all her fault. It was not her fault.

Who did Stacey's Mom Has Got It Going On? That's Fountains of Wayne. But thematically not A Million Miles Away, right? No, it's probably the same week. That song came out the same week as of wayne okay yeah but thematically not a million miles away right no it's probably the same week that song came out the same week as this okay it is thematically a million miles away because stacy's mom is about a milf adam song is about suicide okay guys yeah i feel like i'm being lambasted for liking blink i don't think so i i remember i think there's a couple of lyrics that don't haven't aged well and what's my age again um yeah the state looks down on sodomy would probably be yeah i mean it's not

untrue and depending on what the state is it could just be a commentary but there's something about it that feels a little bit uh gross i should read i should read the email that this person wrote which was nicholas pain uh jake mentioned wanting a parody of Carousel by Blink-182 for a theme song, so I recorded it quickly this morning. Has Jake ever seen Blink-182 live in concert, writes Nick Payne. Yes, I've seen Blink-182 live in several concerts. You better believe that. I do.

The lyric that always stands out to me, though, in that song is at the end of that when he says, with many years ahead to fall in love, why would you wish that on me? I never want to act my age. I think I've always found that to be quietly devastating. Like it's a funny song. It's a funny song, I think.

It's silly, yeah. It's a silly song. I think the tone of it is like this sort of jokey song. But that's a very dark sentiment to end the song on. I think, you know, I think maybe he says fall in love once or twice, but I think what he's saying the rest of the song is fall in line. I think the end of it is fall in love. Wow.

Maybe no fall in line. You're right. Does he say, uh, where's my Asian friend in the song? Or is that like a silly thing they did in concert? I guess I misread the song the whole time. I retract everything that I said. I appreciate you thinking a Blink-182 line is quietly devastating. So I sort of didn't want to take that because like they deserve that sort of reverence.

No, they don't. I deserve it for my rewrite of it. I really thought like that was a fallen line. I guess it's still there's something to it. But with many years ahead to fall in love, why would you wish that me i never want to age i thought like oh my god this is really owning no that's almost maturity that's too poignant for the they also had a song was um it would be nice to get a blow job from your mom so i don't think that they deserve the uh yeah i thought that that was quietly devastating as well like the idea that you could get head from your mom is just so...

That was loudly devastating. I don't feel embarrassed that I was wrong. I feel embarrassed for them that that wasn't the right lyric. And I actually, it sort of ruins the song for me. To me, that was the whole ballgame was that with many years I had to fall in love,

why would you wish that on me? I thought, oh my God, this is really powerful stuff. Fall in line, oh, okay, it's just a little bit of anti-authoritarian rebellion. Okay, great. It's just about being immature, really. Par for the course. Connor Ratliff, new HeadGum podcaster.

Yes. A host and, I guess, brain behind Dead Eyes. Subject of. Yeah, so everything, any assignment guess, brain behind Dead Eyes. Subject of. Yeah, so everything. Any assignment you can give to Dead Eyes. Yeah, speaking of things that are quietly devastating. Yeah. Do you have an elevator pitch for Dead Eyes for some of our audience that maybe isn't aware?

I was cast in a small role in Band of Brothers, the HBO miniseries, the day before I was supposed to film my scenes. Tom Hanks, who was set to direct the episode, looked at my audition tape and I got a call saying you have to re-audition for Tom Hanks. He saw your tape. He thinks you have dead eyes. And so I re-auditioned for Tom Hanks and was immediately fired. And this podcast is an exploration of that. I'll show you, Hanks. Well, it's an exploration from 20 years later.

Yeah. Trying to figure out exactly what happened. I saw one person saw like, you know what happened? You had dead eyes and you got fired. That's what happened. But I think there's already more to it than that. The casting director told you. Well, the casting director actually told me that they've decided to go another way.

They're going to go with a more military type. No one directly in the casting process said, you have dead eyes, you have to leave. The message was relayed to me by someone who worked for my agent at the time saying, you've got to get down to London and re-audition right now. It's funny, by the time they fired you, they found a better way to say it. They're like, come in and audition again. Tom Hanks thinks you have dead eyes. I think it was- And then when you get fired,

they weren't like, we found someone with more lively eyes. They were like, we found a more military type. The people in the process probably never intended that message to make it all the way to me. Yeah, totally. And it's possible there was also

a game of telephone going on where by the time the agent's assistant uh was on the phone with me yeah this is part of what the the podcast is looking to uh tom hanks actually said you have bready thighs oh and by the time it got to you what if he was tired from flying to london and he was like have dead eyes. I'd like to meet this guy in person. No one has ever posited that theory, but he was, when I met him for the re-audition, he was in the middle of filming Cast Away and he was near the end

where his character is completely emaciated. Oh my God. And I didn't know about that. So it was already like I walk in the room and I see what looks like a dying man. Right, like six on hangs. Yeah and so you know there are it may be that the resolution of this mystery is that it just confirms what i've always been told but i also was told two different things yeah and right when i told the act i talked to the actor who replaced me in the role and he had his own story

of what had happened and how he got the role. Yeah, it's very, like, serial. But I think somebody said this on Twitter. It's serial but for something insanely inconsequential. Yeah. It's funny because it's exploring the way, like, very small things can be very important to very few people. That's right. But everybody has, like, those kind of experiences where it's, like, an embarrassing experience that you're the only one who really cares about.

Everyone else just moves on. That's right. But you just keep dwelling on it. Just like Adam Conover said, nobody in this story thought about it ever again for the rest of their lives. Yeah. Yeah. And I believe he's correct. But this podcast is also, you know, it's like the act of observing a thing changes it.

This podcast means that people a thing changes it. This podcast means that people are thinking about it. Like, more people are thinking about it now than ever thought about it when it was happening, you know? That's for sure. I mean, you're getting, like, critical acclaim for this stuff. There was, like, a Guardian News magazine article written about it. Yeah, the Guardian in the print edition, which

to me, I was like, it's great when you get a digital write-up, but when a digital thing gets written about in print, I always think, well, now you really mean it. It's written on ink. They literally, it wasn't even also, it wasn't just in their podcast section. It was like, what to do this weekend. You can watch the new season of Better Call Saul, and you can watch Dead Eyes. And those were the top two things they led with.

And I thought, well, that's very interesting. Did you see the Alan Sepinwall tweet? Like, saying it was his favorite podcast of the year? Well, he's going to do the podcast. Holy shit. Because I have a couple. He's sort of a Band of Brothers authority. Like among critics, he's like one of the go-to critics for that.

So I think he's going to come on and talk from that angle. There are so many. Wow. You should do your scene for him too and ask how he likes it. He did monologues at ASCAD atcb in new york and uh and i mentioned this this was before the podcast had even come out and i said oh i'm doing this thing and i mentioned private zielinski he says oh i know who private zielinski is oh wow he was familiar at a level of he knows the characters names for people who appear in one scene of band of brothers so

i was like that's amazing get him on the show at some point. And our connection to you was through, I think, Ben Schwartz. Yes. Ben Schwartz, who's done improv with you, recommended the pilot that you had made. Yeah. I was having no luck. No one would even... I was going to continue this podcast no matter what, but I wanted to do it well because I

knew it was a good idea. And I thought, it'll be a shame if I have to just record this on my cell phone and it'll be the the worst sounding podcast in history and it'll be sloppy and i'll have no one helping me make it good right and um and i couldn't get anybody even to email me back i was having such trouble and then i think i tweeted something miserable or something where i was like oh anyone know how to get a podcast to keep going and ben texted me he's like do you want me to text jake and amir i was like absolutely yes i would love that and then we were talking and you guys were immediately receptive in a way that i'm not used to fortunately ben told us about it and now your work with like mike our engineer in

new york makes it sound so legitimate like i can't even shout out to mike and harry who like it it sounds like a a podcast that was produced but with like 14 producers uh on gimlet it sounds right the the amount of detail that mike and harry into. I get these emails from Mike that are just like a hundred time codes in a row. And the notes will be things like, small cough here, we can cut that. It'll be like, we can cut from 02 to 05. There's a little bit of it. And I have to re-listen following along with the chart to be like, I don't know what any of these moments are.

But he has such a detailed ear and his instincts are impeccable in terms of, we don't need to hear that. And sometimes I found myself, I'll write like five pages of text and I'll feel like it's essential. And then the cut of the episode will come back and that will be gone. And I'll be like, what happened to all that? And then I'll realize, oh, none of it was necessary. I'll be like, oh, you need good people to be able to tell you like, you know, you don't need, no one needs to know this. And I'm like, oh, right. I needed to say it. No one needed to hear it. You trusted your editor. Yeah. Well, it's really awesome. So if you guys are interested in hearing, I think the first five episodes are now online. Yeah. And

the next two that are coming up, I think, are maybe the two craziest episodes. Whoa. Awesome. And would you say the goal is to reach Mr. Hanks himself or regardless of what happens? That is a goal. But when I was pitching this around, some of the feedback that I got from the pilot was that, well, how would this go beyond a fourth episode? Like, what is this? And my response was, here are 20 ideas for episodes. And so I have a long list of goals I want for it,

and they include that. But if that doesn't happen, you have to plan your escape routes correctly. I always feel like any idea that I have, you want to know that escape routes correctly like i always feel like any idea that i have like you want to know that like if i can't leave the way i came in is there another way out of this building and so like ideally you just come back out through the way you came in but if there's a if if if we don't arrive at that destination i'm confident there are other destinations uh that that we will satisfactorily... We will...

I think I'm in it for the long haul. And I also... It's episode 5 of 80. I also think that... At least the David Schwimmer cameo. I mean, we've got to get a

Schwimmer on there. Oh, you know, there's already one... I'm not going to say who it is. There's already one secret cameo in every episode. Oh, wow.

I don't even know if you guys know who it is i don't will you bleep it will you bleep it if i say it okay yes uh the announcer at the top of the episode oh what the one who says this is dead eyes yeah i've always wondered who that was yeah but we never want to say it because it's just more fun if nobody knows how is that how did you i'm friendly with her. And at one point, I mean, I don't know her that well, but I asked, hey, would you read this sentence for a podcast I'm doing? And she's like, absolutely.

And you'll never say it? I don't know if I'll ever say it, but I feel like it's more fun to not say it. Interesting. Some people have guessed it. And I just respond with my little dead eyes emojis, which is its own form of non-denial denial. It's not the eyes emojis looking to the left. But I do think if we don't get Tom Hanks eventually, I think there's other, even if we do get Tom Hanks, I don't know that's necessarily the end.

Because I think this is also, I think Tom Hanks firing me is kind of like the Who Killed Laura Palmer of it. But the podcast is Twin Peaks. There's also The Town. There's also just this world of it. Right. But the podcast is Twin Peaks. I see. There's also like The Town. There's also just like this world of failure and there's already other stories that we're starting to weave into

that are sort of spinning off into little tangents. I think Ben knows Hanks. Is that safe to say? Well, Ben is going to be on an episode at some point. Yeah. He has some sort of semi-relationship. I don't want to blow it here, but he has a fun thing that he's like,

you know, I have this. I'm like, yeah, it's in my notes in my phone for when I talk to you. I ran into Ben yesterday in LA. What? And I did, I've had a thing a couple of times recently in New York, a very bad thing where, I mean, not very bad, but it feels bad, where someone's waving at you and then you wave back and then you realize they're waving at someone just past you. Classic.

But you've already like full on responded like, Hey, and it's happened to me so many times. And there's no way to like recover from that. You're just a person who was like, I was maybe yawn or stretch, scratch your ear. I've done it to the point where all you can kind of do is just stand there

and look like, Oh, you don't know me. I've stood next to him while the two other people like trapped at like a traffic light. You almost have to apologize at that point. Yeah, just like, I don't know what I was thinking. I thought maybe I knew you and forgotten you. So this is what

happened with Ben? Well, Ben was, like, gesturing, like, oh my god! And I had peripheral view of him, but I was like, I'm not gonna fall for this. Oh! And so I sort of actively avoided looking at him until he was, like... You erred on the side of caution. Yeah. And then you were weird to him. And that was embarrassing. So now I'm back to

no happy medium. Now I saw you, when you were walking in here, waving to everybody. Yeah. I'm everybody's friend now. Alright, this is If I Were You, a device show. Jake and I get emails from people. Sometimes it's just us answering

questions. Sometimes we have a guest. So I'm glad you're here. Maybe you can shed some light, have some wisdom that me and Jake wouldn't necessarily have. What we do is answer these real questions from real people. We're going to give them fake names just so they rename anonymous. Kind of like the lady at the top of your episodes. Yeah. So what name do you want to call this male writer? 24-year-old guy from Austin, Texas. Ray.

That's good. Ray writes, I'm a 24-year-old guy from Austin, Texas, and I'm in a bit of a sticky situation. Since I left university, work has taken over my life, and I've lost connections with a lot of friends. However, recently, a couple of old acquaintances have moved here with their significant others.

We have messaged a bit on social media about hanging out sometime soon to get back in touch. But here comes my situation. I don't drink anymore. Long story. What do you do for fun with people you aren't very close with that doesn't involve drinking? How do I find something that everyone will enjoy? This all feels like a first date except for friendship and I don't want to end up being awkward. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. P.S. Come back to Austin.

That's for you, too. You have to go back to Austin now, too. I'll happily go back to Austin. Do you drink? Are you a drinker? Are you a non-drinker? I'm a non-drinker. Oh, so there we go.

It's funny because when you say that, people assume like a dark history or something. I just don't like it. I'm so sorry. Well, often I find it easy to be a non-drinker because when you tell people I don't drink, people tend to – in this day and age, most people will back off. Just not ask. Oh, I totally understand. They don't want to get into it. What's the matter?

You're some kind of lightweight yeah i i have uh cultivated my life where i never have to interact with someone whose response is that um i is punching you in the stomach yeah like all of all like bullies from high school it's like oh i don't associate with them as adults yeah um i haven't been nut tapped in 10 years, thank God. I do think, like, I've only been drunk to get drunk a couple of times. The last time I did it was for the Chris Gethard show. In your life? Yeah, you can watch a video of what it's like when I'm drunk. I've been drunk, maybe three times. What is it like? And I get very emotional. Basically, Chris Gethard assigned me to host a bachelor party for three people

who are going to be married on the show. And they gave me a hundred dollar budget for three men's bachelor parties and they were all like comedy nerds.

And so, I bought alcohol for, none of them drank, so I bought alcohol for me to drink. Okay. And then I got them like Domino's pizza

and I hired some improvisers to do just two prov in front of them. And then I got them like Domino's pizza and I hired some improvisers to do just two prov in front of them. But I got very drunk and I started talking to them about life and being very philosophical and very emotional. I think the way to avoid – I think in this – in Ray's situation. Nice. The first word that popped into my head was restaurant. Right.

Because Ray, the R. R for restaurant. But it also just seems like just go to a diner, go to a, there's lots of cool. A barbecue. It's Austin.

Go to a food truck, go have a picnic, go, you know, there's so much fun to do in Austin. And I also think that unless it's a situation where the temptation is I don't,

I can't be near, I can't be in a bar or I can't be near alcohol. If it's something like that where you're like, I don't want to put myself in the near alcohol. If it's something like that where you're like, I don't want to put myself in the path of it. Because some people have that where it's like, you can't just have a seltzer

while everyone else is getting drunk. But I think like, go to a movie and then afterwards go to a pizza place or go get Mexican food. It's just like, there's plenty of fun things that it won't be awkward if you don't. Just like try to put that thought out of your mind that it's going to be awkward. They're just people.

They like you. You like them. Especially because it sounds like they all just moved to Austin. And you're like the resident local Austin expert. So if anything, you can suggest something that's like something you can only do in Austin. Let's go hang out at a secondhand shop. Let's go like browse the, there's a lot of fun stores you can hang out. Martin Springs.

That's right. Yeah. I mean, if they're the type, if they are the type who this, oh, this is like real professional advice. If they are the type who have a problem with you not drinking, then you don't want to be friends with them. You sound like a lame dad. I really do. But honestly honestly it's just true like it's always been maybe i i guess i was never cool but honestly i went through like six months of being like a bad teenager to my parents and i realized that my parents were just two very nice people who cared about me i was like why am i why am i asking them

to drop me off a block away so that all the people who are unpleasant, who are my age, won't think bad? I'm like, I'm glad I have good parents. I don't care what anybody thinks. You reached that conclusion as a teenager? If I saw anybody get dropped off by their parents when they were coming to my house, they would get nut tapped as soon as they walked in. And they would deserve it.

Because they were being herbs. Yeah. And I often had to nut tap myself when no one else called me out when my mom would drop me off. I remember once we were doing like a comedy show in New York, I think, and some like nervous 16 to 18 year old ladies like, hey, thank you so much. I'm such a big fan. And then like a car was honking like, Eliza, let's go. And she's like, mom, shut up. Like, you're embarrassing me. And so I leaned into it. I'm like, that's your fucking mom she's like, Mom, shut up. Like, you're embarrassing me. And so I leaned into it.

I'm like, that's your fucking mom? You get picked up by your mom? Hey, everybody, Liza gets picked up. You shoved her into a puddle. How embarrassing is it that you get picked up by your mother who cares about you?

Good luck getting home. I bet she drives safe. Right. How badly you do need that ride yeah it just the world's most embarrassing thing as a teenager was when your mom picked you up or made you lunch was your private chauffeur the embarrassing thing was that that they existed so like it was like shit my like my mom or my dad is in public. Someone's going to look at them. I have no idea why that embarrassed me. But I was like, shit, they'll see my dad.

They can't know I have one of those. The coolest person on earth has no parents. And it's the cool orphan at school who has a fucking leather jacket. It's fucking Rufio. He never gets picked up. I'm walking home. That's awesome, Rufio. And eating out of a trash can.

So restaurants, music venues, thrift shops, literally everything but a bar. This would be much more problematic if you didn't live in a really cool place with lots of fun stuff to do. Yeah, awesome. Go to a sporting event. Yeah. You can always go bowling. You can always go bowling. You can always go bowling. You can always go bowling.

Yeah, and I was worried that this was going to get stickier, this question, but I think this is one that we've really solved. All right, great. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. We'll thank some sponsors, come back with some maybe stickier questions. For Connor, after this. Woo.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help.

I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know, that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters.

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squarespace.com slash segments segments you save% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we are back. Connor, do you have any? Oh, it's a list. Mom, I'm coming.

That was gross. Unsolicited advice. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Unsolicited advice. Sorry about the whole mom, I'm coming part. No, that's fine. Okay. Yes, and this is just a small piece of practical advice. Okay. And I think this is mostly maybe for men, but it could be for anybody.

Okay. Next time you're in a pharmacy or drugstore or someplace that sells Band-Aids. Yes. Buy a box of Band-Aids. Okay. Immediately take two or three of them out. Uh-huh.

Put them in your wallet. In the wallet. And then just forget about it. Wallet Band-Aids. And, you know, take the other Band-Aids home, throw them in the cabinet in the bathroom, whatever it is. You'll never need those Band-Aids.

The Band-Aids, you might need them. You might need them. To replace the wallet Band-Aids. To replace the wallet Band-aids home, throw them in the cabinet, in the bathroom, whatever it is. You'll never need those band-aids. The band-aid, you might need them. You might need them. To replace the wall of band-aids. To replace the wall of band-aids. But the wall of band-aid is key because once this happens, you will start noticing circumstances in your life that people are like, does anyone have a band-aid? And you will be the person in the room. I need one right here.

I got a cut right here. I'm always needing a band-aid. And it happened to me. I did it. I don't know why I did itid. And it happened to me. I did it. I don't know why I did it originally, but I thought, oh, I'll just put these. They don't take up any room in my wallet. They're thin. They're thin.

And then I was out with a friend of mine who had a young child, and the kid fell, and he needed a Band-Aid. He had everything, but he didn't have a Band-Aid. Wow. And I had a Band-Aid, and he looked at me like I was something out of a Harry Potter novel. You're the savior. I was just a wizard. I was at a concert a week later okay the lead singer cut his hand in the middle of the concert does anybody have a fucking band-aid joke i'll let you have my guitar for a band this was in this was in in williamsburg okay in new york city not In New York City. Rolling Stones. Not colonial. Not colonial. 1967. And, yeah, this is hate Ashbury.

Hendrix was on guitar. No, this guy was like, does anybody have, oh, shoot, I cut my head. Does anybody have a Band-Aid? And I announced, I have a Band-Aid. And it was like the sea parted. Everyone was like, whoa. Because you brought a Band-Aid to a rock and roll venue. Just that I had one.

And people were genuinely amazed. Because like, why do you have a Band-Aid? I'm like, I always have a Band-Aid. That's very practical advice. And time and time again, I have needed it. But more importantly, other people have needed it. You could be a little savior. And it doesn't take any effort at all.

It's this minimal amount of effort, and you are very helpful. Because when you need a Band-Aid, you need a Band-Aid. Yep. Blood. Blood. So I'm going to put you on the spot. Let's see your wallet Band-Aid. All right.

He's taking out his wallet. All right. He's showing me the wallet. It's a Snoopy wallet. Wow. He's rifling. He only has $2 bills. Boom.

Band-Aid. One Band-Aid. Oh, my God. And a stamp. And a forever stamp. You're just the most practical, helpful person. I didn't even know that was in there. Two Band-Aids and a stamp.

At some point I put a forever stamp in there. Hell yeah. I'm going to fucking ship a Band-Aid thanks to you. I'm going to take an envelope downstairs, take your stamp, put a Band-Aid in it, and send it to my house. This is a variant piece of advice. But yeah, get a Band-Aid in it. Send it to my house. This is a variant piece of advice. But yeah, get a Band-Aid, get an envelope, get a stamp, mail it to someone you care about.

With a little note saying, put it in your wallet. That way they don't have to go through the effort of going to the store and buying the box of Band-Aids. I realize for a lot of people that's a heavy lift. It's also the kind of thing that you'll hear but then forget about it anytime you're in a store that sells Band-Aids. But you'll remember it in other circumstances like, oh, I never did that. But if you mail someone a single Band-Aid or, you know, I mean, it's the same shipping with a forever stamp. Send three Band-Aids. You can actually put the stamp on the Band-Aid because the little white thing that it comes in is technically an envelope.

You just have to write a really small address on the Band-Aid. They have to ship it. Would they ship just a loose stamp? I used to. Just a stamp? They have to. I was at a summer camp once, and I was sending postcards to my best friend,

and they were all joke postcards, but one of them I intentionally, I kept seeing what I could get sent. At one point I tore a postcard, so it was just the little corner of the postcard, but I kept the part with the stamp. And I wrote the postcard as if it was like, help, I need, something is attacking, and I made it look like an animal had like

mauled this postcard. And every weird piece of mail I sent him arrived in another envelope with an apologetic note from the post office about, we're so sorry that this mail got damaged. It happens from time to time. But at one point, I did mail something that was literally a postage stamp-sized piece of thing. And then I wrote the address on the other side of it, and it made it in the mail. Wow.

But it arrived in a baggie. It arrived like – So they put it in a baggie. Yeah. for you. Yes. So in theory, if you write your address on the back of a stamp, they'll have to ship it. In theory. In theory.

Everyone should try it. That's your other piece of unsolicited advice. That one's just a fun little joke that you can play on society. Sometimes I imagine if I put a sticker on an envelope, will that get sent? Like, are they making sure that that stamp sticker... Because some stamps don't look like stamps. They just look like stickers. Yeah, they're just stickers. Yeah, like literally what's the difference? Do you want a sticker that just says forever?

Right. Yeah. Can you make that? Is that legal to make stickers that say forever? Like an American flag sticker. I would say that we should not give this as advice because it sounds like a felony. Very good. It sounds like mail fraud. That was a test, and you passed. Yeah. I won't advise breaking the law the cops can leave the studio uh all right we all all right that was a sting operation connor wow you guys blew it you'll never get me all right let's see if this is a sticky enough situation for you this is a man from iowa okay where are you from i'm

from missouri not far from Iowa. Yeah, not too different. In my mind, same state. Yeah. Let's call him Merle. I like that. It's a girl. A girl named Merle. Call her Merle. Merle. Merle. I need a little help. I'm a 25-year-old girl from, I don't know why I said Iowa. Oh, yes, I do. Okay. She's from Canada, but her boyfriend is moving to Iowa. He's from the States. Let's call him Merle. I've been dating him for three years. He's from the States and we've been doing long distance for the majority of our current relationship. He's going to grad school in the fall to Iowa State because he got a scholarship. I'm debating whether or not to go too, because I've always

wanted to get my MBA and they have a decent business school there, but Iowa is like super freaking random. It is weird. Is it weird or sad for me to select a business school just because my boyfriend is going there? It's not like undergrad where you have to find yourself or whatever, right? I def wouldn't select Iowa if I was single and going to grad school. So is it bad for me to choose it because he's going there? I'm confident in our, that our relationship will last, but in the off chance it doesn't, I'm just going to have to live in Iowa and we'll obviously run into each other in Iowa, right? That's obviously worst case scenario, but that would really suck. One must also keep in mind that the favorable cost reduction that involved going to the same grad school in Iowa,

cheaper tuition, cheaper rent, etc. Also, P.S., he wants me to come. I'm not just inviting myself on his grad school journey. That's good. Would you move to Iowa for someone? This is a tough one. It sounds like she really doesn't want to move to Iowa.

Iowa State, where is that? I don't know. Jake, do you know? Iowa State? It looks to be about an hour outside of Des Moines. Oh, wow. So it's not even Des Moines. Oh, no, sorry. Half an hour outside of Des Moines. Oh, wow. So it's not even Des Moines. Let me look at it on the map. Oh, no, sorry. Half an hour outside of Des Moines. I mean, it's basically Des Moines. But I mean, Iowa City is kind of the more fun one.

Yeah, that's like the cool... That's the Austin of Iowa. Iowa State. Yeah, University of Iowa, that's that Iowa City shit. That's where you want to be. It would be sad to move to Iowa for someone, then you guys break up, and now you just live in Iowa.

I think Iowa State's probably a fun school. It's really big. It's also not sad to do something that would make you happy. To go to the same school as your boyfriend wouldn't be a sad thing. It's not sad to make you happy. There's the Christian Peterson Art Museum. There's the Farmhouse Museum.

That's just two that you Googled right off the bat. Is there bowling? Do they have a bowling lane? There's always bowling. You can always go bowling. You said business? She said business. The Ivy College of Business?

I don't know. Yeah, that's right. It looks like there's a lake and a Starbucks and a pizza shop near the lake. Jeff's Pizza Shop? Yeah, what else do you need? How's the weather in Iowa? You lived in Missouri. I think you get four full seasons there,

except for maybe nowadays. Yeah, now it's what? Now it's just summer all the time. Fucking global climate warming bullshit. I'd be wary. I mean, if you have these doubts, if you think the relationship is strong, is it strong enough to survive remaining long distance? Yeah.

Because that's very strong. For another two years. Because it's been three. But there are these doubts as far as like wanting to – she knows what she wants to do. She wouldn't choose Iowa otherwise. So it's i mean on some level i think sometimes these are questions we know the answer to because it is just like which is more important to you right um it sounds like she doesn't have well there are some doubts built into that question of the you know she's speculating about a possible future where they live in iowa and they're no longer

and she's like stuck in iowa of course. But that's worst case scenario. Best case scenario is that she grows to love her boyfriend even more because they live together in such an isolated state. Yeah. Higher risk, higher reward. And she's in Canada right now. Yeah. Which is sort of the Iowa of countries.

Yeah. What a random place. I'll be honest, and I don't know if this is good advice. Okay. But if I lived in Canada, I wouldn't move to Iowa. Interesting. If I lived in Canada, I wouldn't leave Canada. Because you're already in Canada.

Yeah, I'm already in Canada. Canada's great. If I lived in Vancouver, Montreal, or Toronto, I wouldn't leave Canada. And if I lived anywhere else, I'd move to Iowa. If you lived in Edmonton, you wouldn't. Oh, no,

I love, I'd fuck with Edmonton and I'd fuck with Calgary. Winnipeg, I'd, I stand Winnipeg. You're just saying you wouldn't live in the wilderness. I live in the wilderness. Cause I feel like you could do the same thing in Iowa.

You're like, I'd live in Des Moines or Iowa city, but I wouldn't just live in Iowa. Just like in a cornfield. No, I really, I'd probably live anywhere. But I think,

I do think that there's, I don't know, it's not that hard to do a year of business school. And if it's not going well, if you don't like it, you can just, you can murk out, you know? She can give it a shot. Yeah, she doesn't have to stay there. Take it one year at a time. So you're saying try, and I'm saying don't try.

Yeah, I'll be the tie-breaking vote. And I think you do go to Iowa, but you're ready to leave at the drop of a hat. Make it clear. Buy a hat. Buy a hat and make it clear that at the drop of that hat, you're out the door. Yeah. Go to, yeah. Make the metaphor literal.

You can always go bowling. Yeah. Go to, yeah. Make the metaphor literal. You can always go bowling. Yeah. And please. Actually, let's verify that. Okay. While you verify that, I just wanted to say, if you do end up going to Iowa, get a band-aid. Put a band-aid in your purse for the love of God. And will you bring a band-aid, please?

Thanks, Marilyn. Where are you keeping the Neosporin? You got the band-aid. Where you got the Neosporin? Is that like in your back pocket the whole time? are you keeping the Neosporin? You got the Band-Aid. Where do you got the Neosporin? Is that like in your back pocket the whole time? I never have a Neosporin. That's something you deal with when you get to a second location. Love that.

That's really cool. You're looking at bowling alleys near Iowa State. Yeah. So far, I've seen the Iowa State Bowling Association, but that's in Des Moines. Yeah, that's totally different. And that's not... And honestly not worth the 30-minute drive. Yeah.

While you look that up, I'm going to say, once again, dead eyes on HeadGum. You can listen to the first five episodes at HeadGum.com or really anywhere, everywhere you listen to your podcasts. We're not here to tell you where to listen. You can listen on Spotify, Apple, one of these third-party apps. It's all good because it's all a head gum. There's a place called Underground. And? It's in Ames, Iowa, and it looks really fun. Ames sounds fun.

That's where Iowa State is. It's in Ames. Three and a half stars out of five with 17 reviews. Wow. So there's something going on there. And it's going to be so fun and cheap and affordable. It'll be like $3 bowling. Yeah, that's right. That's just how much shit costs here in Iowa. You can't always go bowling.

If you want to write in your own theme songs or questions, send them to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. That opening one, Nick Payne, was Jake's favorite, the Blink-182 song. This closing one is by Jake Morrill, who's a 22-year-old from Bangor, Maine. Whoa, he should move to Iowa. And it would be great if you could plug my music on Spotify, which you can find by searching Joy Captain. This is a really good theme song, actually. Cool. So thanks, Jake, for writing in.

Thanks, Nick, for writing in. Thanks for coming to L.A., Connor. Oh, it's so great to be here. I love seeing Headcum's offices here. Yeah. And keep making those dead eyes because I'm on the edge of my seat. Literally right now I'm on the edge of my seat. We both are. Yeah, and keep making those dead eyes because I'm on the edge of my seat. Literally right now

I'm on the edge of my seat. You are, we both are. Yeah. It's just comfortable to be there. And you guys should definitely check it out.

And of course, we'll be back next week. Oh, is there anything else you wanted to plug? Twitter, Instagram, social media handles,

how do people find you? At Connor Ratliff on Twitter, at Dead Eyes Podcast on Twitter. You can also come see me most weeks at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater in New York

City. Hell yeah. All right. Thanks again, Connor. Thank you. See you guys soon enough. Bye, everybody. Ciao.

Ciao. If I were you, here's what I'd do. If I were you, I'll tell you. Jake will dick you down, cause he knows how to please. Amir will do his best But there's no guarantees That he'll make you come But Jake will make you come That's a guarantee