Segments - 425: CoronaVirus

Episode Date: March 9, 2020

In this episode we discuss bees, headphones, and COVID-19.For more IF I WERE YOU, check out the bonus Thursday episodes on our Patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it 091 3662 yeah now you have to edit it in But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. If I were you Here's what I'd do If I were you I'll tell you Jake will dick you down

Cause he knows how to please Amir will do his best But there's no guarantees That he'll make you come But Jake will make you come but Jake will make you come that's a guarantee

wow cool pretty cool right? yeah I guess that's like that was a really complimentary song to me and I liked it. Well, not really. To us.

Not really to both of us. What did he say? Jake will make you come, and Amir will. What was it? It's not that Amir won't, essentially. That it's not a guarantee that you'll try. So that was from Jake Morrill, who's a 22-year-old from Bangor, Maine. And it was a banger.

Yeah, it was a banger. And it was a banger, my it was a banger. And it was a banger my Maine. Nice. Yeah. Those are actually really nice. Super fans will realize that. That was actually really fucking nice. That was golden mic nice. That's a little early for that. That was golden mic nice. That's a little early for that.

Yeah well you're gonna dictate when the mics can come out that'll be a turdy for you brother. I'm not gonna dictate it. I'm just saying. I think it'll be a turdy, you're going to dictate when the mics can come out. That'll be a turdy for you, brother. I'm not going to dictate. I'm just saying that. I think it'll be a turdy if you're going to try to put a time stamp on everything, that it's too early for a golden mic. I'm not.

It's not too early for a turdy, and that's why you'll have a turdy. It's a dirty turdy. That's another golden mic. Don't even decide yet. You can't tell me not to decide. We'll toss another turdy on you that'll be Trey Turdy that was Jake from Banger Man what's the best time to record a podcast? Trey Turdy for a minute

nice that's a golden mic for me that was a 22 year old Jake from Banger Man and that was a Banger Man it'd be great if you could plug his music on Spotify which you could find if you search for joy captain that was our closing theme song from last week was what i was trying to

say right joy captain is a great name i think i said it last week it was a it was a good song and i wanted to upgrade it from closing theme song to opening theme song dope yeah it deserves it it earned it um how are you doing with your quarantine are you at home or you're not leaving the house is that is that what life is like for you now that covid 19 is starting to spread in our country i am at home today but it's uh it didn't have anything to do with uh covid i see you're rubbing your eye yeah i'm rubbing my eye licking floor. I just feel like I'm not worried about it because I think we'll all have it. It's not like... I see.

So you're worried about it in a way that you're like, I'm worried about the flu. Like, yeah, it'll happen and it'll kill people, but that's fine. It feels inevitable. And it feels like I won't die from it. So it's unfortunate writ large, but... This is kind of like, I feel like we're having the same conversation about the flu four or five months ago i told you to get a flu shot you said it's fine i don't mind it if you get the flu or not yeah and everyone i was lambasted i was publicly dragged uh shamed into

getting a flu shot which i actually didn't ever get uh but now jill's making me get a flu shot uh next weekend. Yeah. And the idea of being like, yeah, you can have the flu and it's fine for you, but you're getting other people sick who can't necessarily fight it. I'm spreading it.

I'm a, I'm an incubator. Yeah. And I guess I would get a COVID shot if they had one. Yeah. Why is that? I don't know. Cause I'm,

cause I'm not smart. Are you taking any precautions are you washing your hands extra long are you not touching things yeah not rubbing your face um i i'm washing my hands a lot a lot more yeah trying to not touch my face as much but it's so like it's kind of instinctual you know you can't really yeah i'll i'm trying not to touch i'm basically trying to stop touching my face and i'm realizing mid-touch i'm just like rubbing my eye i'm like oh i shouldn't be doing this yeah i'm sucking my thumb it really i should stop whether we have this worldwide pandemic

hit america on a mass scale or not i'm definitely realizing how cavalier i am with my germ um my relationship with germs and stuff like i every day i wash my hands and then i like all right i go to work i open my car door i put my keys next to my sunglasses i put my sunglasses on my face yeah i will pick my nose while i drive i will go to the bathroom and open the knob and then I'll wash my hands again. But it's like, since then I've touched eight dirty things and licked my mouth. You really, yeah, you cannot, you can't escape it. I like, even when I was, cause I was flying this past weekend, I was like trying to just be extra cautious. I'm like washing my hands for such a long time. And then I just turn around and I'm like, and then I'm about to open the door of the bathroom of the of the delta lounge like that's dirty all right we're back to square one and i've just washed my hands once

and i should have watched it after everything i touched it's impossible you can't do that you gotta wash you gotta dry then you gotta open the door with the napkin then you gotta make it like a basketball shot put your hands in your pockets. Walk to your flight. I will say I was supposed to, I was talking to buddies of mine going to like a poker room in LA, Commerce Casino. And I'm like, that's got to be like the worst place to go to. It's just international people who are just fucking touching chips, exchanging cards, touching tables, coughing, sneezing. Kissing the $100 chip for good luck. Kissing the old Asian man next to me for good luck french kissing the dealer when he fucking hits me with a runner runner inside straight draw god i can kiss your feet

you old stranger where were you last week italy you cough in my ass god this is good luck but then maybe i don't know maybe i should just get it and get it over with Where were you last week? Italy? Will you cough in my ass? God, this is good luck. But then maybe, I don't know, maybe I should just get it and get it over with. Maybe you can't get it twice. But now maybe you can get it twice. Yeah, I'm thinking like, I'm not going to, I don't know. I feel like I'm taking mild precautions.

Precautions, yeah. Precautions. But not like, I'm not like quarantining myself. Like I still went to yoga. I still went to the Girls on Porn live show last night. Yeah, that's the next thing is avoiding. We're not going to South by Southwest. Yeah, we're gonna go to South by. It's like international, huge crowd.

Shaking a lot of hands. Yesterday I went to a film screening, like Avital did like a short film festival and there was a bunch of people there. Everyone was introducing themselves. I'm like, I'm not going to shake people's hands. I'm just going to wave to them when I get introduced. But I felt like a freak a little bit when they're like, hey, nice to meet you. I'm like, hello.

Well, don't touch me. It's very uncomfortable to deny someone a handshake. It's happening a lot.'s it's weird because it's like it's acceptable it's good it's normal but it's still awkward yeah it's always going to be awkward you're always going to be a little weirdo about it and then you're really you you always seem like a hero when you're when somebody's like ah like you know they're seemingly like respecting you being a weirdo and then you then's like, hey, I don't care, brother. And then you like dap someone up and hug them.

You're like, yeah, we're all going to die, baby. I ignored a handshake yesterday. And this lady was like, no, I totally get it. I'm an Uber driver and people shake my hand all the time. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Thank God I didn't touch you. You're an Uber driver. Oh, I get it.

No, I have it. I have the virus, so I get why you're denying me. I have a sore throat and a runny nose. I have an upper respiratory infection. Shaking hands is such a funny thing that's like a social norm that you're very much expected to do but is very unsanitary. Yeah. Hello, stranger. Let me squeeze the thing that you touch everything with.

All right, now I have it. Now let me squeeze that guy. All right, we're transferring the disease. And something's in my eye. Would you like a snack? Nom, nom, nom, nom. Yeah, I mean, staying at home and not talking or touching anything has got to be like the only way to prevent it, right?

Yeah, but then what are you trying to preserve what kind of life do you have yeah and then how do you that's not living you're going to the supermarket you're going to eat food you touch food that was prepared by somebody else or delivered well i've i stocked up on canned goods that's good so you're having beans i've bunkered myself i had beans and i had rice, and it was nice. Yeah, you look very pale, and you've gained, what, 20, 25 pounds it looks like. Yeah, so I finished the rice, and I'm down to a single can of beans. It is nice.

Go get more canned foods. I can't go outside. Oh, you're sucking on the microphone that's not helping anybody you opened a bathroom door with your mouth i flushed the toilet with my teeth you said it tasted like rice nice god that was kind of uh i don't want to say it, but kind of a golden mic-worthy idea. What, that you had? Oh, yeah. I guess I have it. You're trying to give yourself a golden mic.

You're trying to, like, fucking... I'm not giving myself that. I'm just talking out loud. You're trying to manipulate me into giving you a golden mic, and that's a turdy, my friend. No. You're trying to influence the judge. You probably deserved it, and now, like, I feel like I deserve it a little bit. I already have the golden mic for this episode.

I actually had three and you had Trey turdies, but now you have four. I'm afraid to talk. I don't know. Well, good. Your awkward silence is about to get you your fifth and final turdy. Final?

Well, yeah, you know what happens when you get five turdies in a single episode no you don't get to host the podcast anymore bub permanent expulsion permanent expulsion i'd have to find a new co-host and i think that is you know that's a herculean task that if i if i was able to accomplish it yeah i'd earn myself another golden mic, which would be pretty cool. What are you talking about? That'd actually be really neat. Sorry, you're being a little rude to me.

I don't want to give you that fifth and final turdy. Okay. All right. Let's start the show. Let's not. I don't want to. Now I'm like, I'm on edge. Let's not what?

Yeah. You are on edge. All right. And you're sort of, okay. Not too on edge. Not too on edge. Yeah. I'm just worried. I'm just thinking about it. I'm going edge. You are on edge. And you're sort of, okay. Not too on edge. Just a little bit thinking about it. Like if you get two in your head, I feel like you're throwing off your game.

It's going to get you your fifth and final 30 and then you get expulsion. And I don't want that. I feel like I'm walking on a razor thin line. You are a little bit. You're walking on eggshells, but you need to stop making these like, you're hyperventilating. I feel like if you have a panic attack, that's clear fodder.

Not an attack. If you cry, that's going to be a fifth and final dirty, man. It's going to be expulsion, my friend. You're joking. Have you taken the subway since coronavirus has gotten viral? I think I have, yes. Is it seemingly the same? Are people a little afraid to touch poles?

I didn't notice anyone wearing masks. I feel like anyone that's nervous enough to wear a mask is not going to go on the subway, but maybe. And I didn't notice anybody not touching the poles either. This was, yeah, I rode the subway on Monday. Still early.

This week. Still early. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by me, Yamamir. I am Jake. Me.

Me. Us. All right. We are going to be answering some real questions from real people just to preserve their anonymity, of course. We're going to give them a fake name. Do you have a fake name for this man whose brother is 16? Let's do Koi Vid. Koi? This guy is, yeah, Let's do Koi Vid. Koi?

Like, this guy is, yeah, he's a Koi Vid. Okay. Why a Vid? Because it's like COVID. Got it. I like that. Yeah. By the way, COVID-19 is, like, over.

I'm already, like, worried about COVID-20, the fucking sequel. Yeah, 2020. Yeah, that's like that COVID-21 shit. Yeah. My brother is 16, writes Koi. He took singing lessons for a couple years when he was younger, but we never ever heard him sing out loud. However, recently he's begun singing out loud at home. While this is nice, and at first we were very happy that he'd gotten over the fear of singing out loud, it's becoming a little incessant.

He'll be watching TV and hear a tune and then sing the same song nonstop until he hears a new one and then repeat that one nonstop. This continues all day, and it's quite loud. My parents have asked him a few times why he suddenly decided to start singing, and he said that he just enjoys it. We don't want him to stop singing, but just not sing constantly and so loud. How would we broach this subject with him without making him scared to sing

out loud like he used to be? So first he was afraid to sing. Now he's singing too much and you want to tell him to be quiet. Yeah. It's sort of a beautiful moment when this kid clearly had a breakthrough. He's finally getting his confidence. He's finding his voice. He's finding his neighbor. I can be happy for you for a weekend, brother, but... This is quite enough. I'm glad you've come out of your shell, but why don't you go back in every once in a while?

It's a bit too much joy. You spark too much joy. Sorry, sibling. Yeah. Is there a way to politely ask this guy to knock it off? I don't think so. That's cool. I don't think there is.

Not a polite way. I don't think there's a polite way. Especially because he's being nice. Yeah, he's being nice. He's being like, he's like a Cinderella thing, you know? Or the Seven Dwarves thing. The whistle while you work. A happy joy man.

And you want to turn him sour. All right. What about a simple, all right, all right, that's enough. I don't blame him for wanting some peace and quiet i just don't think there's a there's no way that you can tell someone to stop singing and and be a good guy stop it i love that song shut up for a second bud yeah pretend like you're enough enough enough one second one second one second i guess you could say like i love that song but can you hang on for one second because i'm trying to concentrate on this email or something on literally everything else you've got to have a task that you're making him stop for and that'll be like sort of setting the

boundaries you know that's cool love the song but I was trying to read this thing do you mind singing somewhere else also oh what about that don't be like shut up don't sing you'd be like can you sing by yourself somewhere else

can you sing elsewhere yeah or what about yeah what if it's like I like this I don't like that song can you sing and yeah or what about like yeah what if it's like uh i like this i don't like that song can you sing and then you just tell them to sing a song that you wanted to hear anyway that way it's like you're getting a free little acoustic concert yeah what if you did yeah what if you just started singing louder too so you wouldn't even you could just be it's like a competition oh but you're not good at singing so like he's he's singing he's like it's all about the bass about the bass no cheddar it's all about my bass about my face all right

do you think that's the good one or that's the annoying one oh i was being the i was being the brother yeah like the good singer and then you would have to jump in with like a shitty song but like so if i have like my amazing voice sorry going my yeah my suggestion was nice it was like asking him to sing a song that you like and you said yeah and then also but then what you said was really mean which is like it gave me an idea for something yeah it gave your suggestion was good and then it gave me an idea for a one that was mean yeah so i had to say it right i yes and it but it was sort of a yes but yeah it was sort of a no but it yeah it was mean yeah so i had to say it right i yes and it but it was sort of a yes but yeah it was sort of a no but it yeah it was i guess it was like a hold my beer moment yeah so it's like

that's a really good idea and i'ma let you finish but yelling at someone but you can scream another song at your brother that's cool. Here's one other idea. You shower your brother with praise. You're constantly talking about how good his singing is, how much you love it. Encourage him to sing more, start a band, do all that stuff. So that gives you cover every once in a while when you're like you have to be quiet okay so like he knows you're coming from a place of i love like i love my brother's voice i'm his number one fan but you can't have it all the time see i wonder if they're like if they've been treating this kind

of like a butterfly landing on a flower they're afraid to touch it they're like he's finally got his confidence he's singing let's not let's not touch it you know yeah much but i think you got to encourage it and then also discourage it in ways where you don't want it and that'll sort of shape it to your life like not not touching it is actually like it's really good like also coronavirus yeah covid advice so it all sort of stems from the same thing. COVID ice. Advice? Wait, COVID ice. COVID vice? Okay.

Sorry. I had a stroke. The other thing I was going to say. Was that turdy worthy or that's just you trying to figure something out? Because if I did that, you would have called me out on it. I wouldn't have given you your, like, I don't really like that we're having this like tit for tat like i agree uh you know this weird i say yeah this weird battle that i think you keep on you're trying to fan the flames of and i'm tempted to give you a fifth and final 30 for expulsion that's a totally especially because you were so rude and all i did was like miss speak and i feel

like that's like that's how a lot of my sturdy things start usually oh well can you not interrupt me because i think that's another reason like i'm not two things that you've been doing is is it interrupting one i will continue so interrupting which is dirty worthy offense on its own but then also nitpicking just like a freaking misspeak this is a live podcast like people are gonna misspeak every once in a while and like you sort of zeroing in on that and like asking why the rules apply to you and not me it's sort of just like it it colors the whole podcast in like a really negative light it's just like a weird all right it creates a weird energy and for that reason no give me the fucking break to cool off and we'll come back and i'll have a solid second half okay earlier today earlier on the pod i said uh licking your mouth

instead of licking your hands or licking your fingers that was just another thing that i wanted to own up to so you don't have to call me out on it either. Cool. Yeah. I'm not like. Let's air out all the dirty laundry. Come clean. Ask for forgiveness. Beg for forgiveness, frankly. And. Quiet for frankly.

Yeah. Then I guess second half we'll have a fresh start, a clean slate. All right. Cool. Let's take a break. Thanks from sponsors. And we'll be back with start a clean slate all right cool uh let's take a break thanks and we'll be back with more questions and answers after this thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah jake you've been building on squarespace for decades at this point exactly eons it feels like yes so you know how easy it is to use their simple intuitive drag and drop design technology yes Yes, yes, yes.

Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held.

They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah, vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think.

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we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out yeah you do and we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in life. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. Yeah, yeah, I do. You know, I experienced a new delivery service this past week. A new delivery service like UPS?

A new delivery service. No, a food delivery. A new food delivery. It was called Deliver Zero. And they partner with restaurants and they give them reusable containers. So you can get your delivery food in uh basically take out containers that you don't have to throw away and then the next time you use a service on deliver zero's uh website the place that delivers takes the old uh tupperware so you're talking about like food

delivery like a thai restaurant in your neighborhood or is it like blue apron style it like a thai like i got indian food and they brought all of the food in like reusable containers and then you eat it but then instead of just throwing away the plastic you wash it and next time you get delivered zero you give them back the tupperware you i heard you don't even have to wash it i i uh rinsed it i didn't do a deep wash but they wash it for you you don't even have to wash it. I rinsed it. I didn't do a deep wash, but they wash it for you. You didn't even finish the food. It's like, here's, I think two days ago I had pad CU. You can have it now.

I'm like full as shit. Yeah, exactly. That's pretty good. But then where do they get the food from? Like, is it a pre-approved stable of restaurants can you order from anywhere yeah i think they're still growing they're like just starting out that's why they like dm'd me and asked me if i wanted to try the service and i was super into it because i feel like i never like um things like blue apron or things like um i mean even

delivery it's just like it always you always feel little guilty, like all of the plastic and the shit that it comes in and you have to throw away. I see. But it was, so it was really nice. Like there was essentially no waste at all. That's good. Yeah. Yeah.

So did you order food from a place that they told you to, or you just said it from anywhere you wanted? No, I think, so they partner specifically with certain restaurants i see so it's probably only available in your small radius for now i think it's well it's available in a bunch of places in new york um but yeah like at scale this would be in theory anywhere that you order from also has like a set of deliver zero tupperware and stuff yeah that's a good idea and then when you got indian food is it like a tikka masala like did you get curry

i am glad like a lamb sog or a sag paneer i got sag paneer i got got sag paneer. I got chicken tikka masala. And I got butter chicken and a side of rice. What? A side of rice. And it was nice. And it came in Tupperware that I didn't have to throw away. And it was delivered by a man in a mask. On a bike.

Who had a cough. With rice. He a man in a mask. On a bike. Who had a cough. With rice. He sneezed on a rice. Imagine that. Imagine sneezing on rice. Yeah, I guess that's fine. Seems like usual. Seems normal.

Right. Okay. Yeah. All right. Let's see if we can answer some more questions. Why not? Should I get AirPods Pro? Yeah, we actually, so remember we answered this question,

and this was sort of a follow-up pup. Got it. So we'll call this guy Puppy. I'm really sorry I haven't been in touch. I'm sure you can sympathize. What seemed like mere hours after I got your wisdom concerning my AirPods debacle, Apple dropped the biggest bomb of my life and released AirPods Pro. I obviously can't get normal AirPods and be seen in public when I know about this angelic existence of the more expensive AirPods Pro.

What kind of financial mind games is Apple playing on me? To recap, AirPods. Pros. Cool, rich, wireless. Cons. Expensive. AirPods Pro. Pros.

The AirPod Pros pros are that they're cooler, richer, and professional. And the cons are that they're even more expensive. Help me navigate this minefield. So I don't have AirPods. You don't even have the old ones? No, I use like over-the-head wireless headphones. What about like, I guess all the time? Even if you're, I guess in LA, you don't really commute.

I don't have buds, bud. Moving on. Asked and answered. God, you're defensive about it. I didn't. That's enough. Real. I'm moving on.

What are you wearing right now? I'm moving on. That little cigarette in your ear. What is that, an AirPod or an AirPod Pro? This is an AirPod. And I actually had the Pro. I got the Pro. It came with my phone.

Quit Pro Quo. I got the new phone and I got the Pros. And? I didn't like them. I didn't enjoy wearing them. I felt like they were a less secure fit um and i and the whole point is that they're supposed to be better right yeah and the noise canceling kind of freaks me out transparency was that was like a really cool feature but i you know what transparency is

uh oh like when you know what transparency is it's like how you even know yeah let me try to answer it's like when you can hear the the headphones but it's not like completely noise cancel you can also hear stuff that's happening yeah it basically like it like mixes in what is happening outside with your music so you can like your music doesn't, but you like hear things and people perfectly. It's really amazing. And only AirPods Pro have it? Yeah. So I wish that the other AirPod, I don't want the rubber thing. I like the shape of these pods best.

I wish they had transparency because transparency is cool as well. The another difference is that the Pro have a little rubber thing at the end that's supposed to like help fit more snugly. Yeah. And with three different sizes the large the medium and the small and like you're you how big is your meatus i thought my meatus was medium and then i tried small but neither of them worked and i tried large too it said and i did the tape the hearing test and it said they were all good fits but then then like, I can run with these things in. And I went on a run with the other ones in. And it just felt loose.

There was a jiggle. There was a wiggle. And it just, it wasn't for me. No, I mean, I want to be rich and I want to be professional. You're not a pro. That's as simple as that. I'm not a professional without the pros. Pros before hoes. And you are not one. that's as simple as i'm not a professional without the pros pros before hoes and you are not one you're an absolute con if you were to go on a yog what what would you put in your ear sometimes i'll wear the headphones and sometimes i'll wear

nothing at all you'll straight up wear the headphones you're wearing right now over the ear over the ear on a yog on a yog and they are a little too hot thank you for asking yeah but then i also don't like the feeling of the jiggle as i yog either so i'll go full no no audio meditative style well you can get those like uh around the like you know those kind of like with the plastic that has like the hug the hugging of your ear you could do that i don't know just i prefer to be the accessory free when i'm jostling back and forth all right well you're not you're not gonna be able to enjoy a podcast or tunes while you run and that's kind of an issue yeah i think i'll because i'm a podcaster my inner monologue is kind of like a pretty fascinating podcast i'll be like um really so

like i'll be running and then i'll see like me tell me some of your thoughts that you so like imagine you're yeah you're on a run you're running around like it's like i don't have to listen to a podcast because then like while i'm on a run my thoughts are basically and it's like i don't have to wear headphones to hear my voice because i'm always like what are your thoughts you were saying so i'm like jogging around and i'll see like a tree with like the pink flowers on it right okay and i'm like oh that's interesting the pink flowers why why is why does why like so some like i'll be like that's huh how does that work out so like some trees are apple trees and so sorry one second

motherfucker this is the difference between a fucking podcast where it's just me which is a really good show by the way and one that that you're constantly trying to fucking hammer home your agenda. One second. I barely did anything. One second. You're having a meltdown. I feel like on some level you know that you're flailing right now. That's why you're pissed. No, no, no.

So I'll be like, now I forgot. You cursed at me, dude. Sorry. Holy shit. No, but this is why I don't like, now I forgot. This is, yeah. You cursed at me, dude. Sorry. Holy shit. No, but this is why I don't like, yeah, this is why I don't prefer to have other people in my fucking ear when I'm like, when I'm jogging, that's like me time and I get to record my show with my rules

and I don't have to be like, what do you think, man? If that makes sense. Hello? Hello? Hello hello are you here now do you want to shut the fuck up what oh my god you're a saboteur talk forget it oh my god oh my god wow good stuff buddy really good stuff that was good stuff Forget it. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Wow. Good stuff, buddy. Really good stuff. That was good stuff. You don't think it was, like, specific.

Kind of good stuff. Easy. Easy. Easy. We've already given out plenty of golden mics this episode. I think in another episode that would have been golden mic worthy, but I feel like... So let's save it and we'll save it for next time. This episode, we doled out like three or four Golden Mikes.

It's evergreen content. We'll just have it for next week's episode. You can give me a Golden Mike. We'll cut this part out. Maybe we'll do it next... We'll see if you earn it next week. I'm sure you will, because I think you're on a roll. I think you're doing your best work since this half of the podcast, you haven't got

a single turdy, which is amazing. You can almost take some away from the first half at this point. Well, careful, because I don't want you to start litigating the rules because you know what happens. So I'm still at four and you're at how many golden mics? I mean, I think I have four for this episode I think I have three or four I don't keep count I don't keep track I mean it's a high honor

and I have each trophy displayed proudly but I'm not about the recognition I love it and I need it and I appreciate it and I want it that's about it

but I don't but I don't obsess over it. It's not all there is. It's not the be all end all. It is the be all end all. And I actually feel like you're sort of like discounting what a golden mic is. And I'm tempted to give you a fifth and final 30 for that. Actually, speaking of bees and alls and ends and alls, we have a question about final turdy for that. Actually, speaking of Bs and Alls and Ns and Alls,

we have a question about Bs. That's right. This is from a beekeeper. This could go on. Yeah, a beekeeper whose name we'll say Bee. We'll call him Bee or Her. Of course. We can go either way.

Hey, Jake and Amir. First of all, congratulations on your marriage, your healed foot, your new podcast, your latest golden mic today, and all of your godchildren. I really do have it all. I have a happy hoard, a cellar

full of golden microphones, and what was the other thing? The foot. A wife? Yeah, the healed foot. Whatever. Here's my situation. Me and my girlfriend moved into And what was the other thing? The foot. A wife? Yeah, the heeled foot. Whatever. Here's my situation. Me and my girlfriend moved into a new rental home some months ago. In our backyard is a big, creepy shed.

It's horrible, just aesthetically. But more importantly, my girlfriend went into the shed and said there was a big beehive inside of it. I'm very scared of the swarming, stinging, flying insects. I can't figure out what to do, and it's not as easy as it sounds. My landlord doesn't deal with bugs, so that's out. Wow. so I can't ask him to come in and save me or else he'll judge me. I already broached the subject with him, and he gave me a list of other people that handle bees in my area. Everyone I call is the same. They'd love to help, but they want the details about the bees, like what they look like, what they're doing.

They basically want me to walk into this dark death trap and take notes. I'm terrified of opening this shed even for a second. They were there all winter and might be dead, but what if they're not even bees? What if they're wasps or hornets? I never even saw the fucking things. Luckily, my girlfriend finds them pretty scary too, so I don't think she's judging me too much for running

headfirst, for not running headfirst into the shed, but at the same time, I'd love to fix this issue and find a way to impress her while doing it. What do you guys have, uh, but who do you have to call to come and just look at your bees? Every expert I talk to on the phone treats me like a wuss, and one of them even laughed at me. What would

you do, coy boys? Amir, would you just kill these bees? Jake, what would you do to be a hero and a conservationist? Please help, love you guys. Sorry for all the buzzing, razzing, Amir, but Jake is the goat of the podcasting world next to Marin. P.S. Go on Comedy Bang Bang.

Okay. Thank you. Jesus. Yeah. Very cool. What would you do? I mean, I would call people like this guy's doing, but I don't know why they're laughing at him. We interviewed a beekeeper.

Do you recall that? Yeah. And he seemed to act like they were important and you could harness their power to make honey. Yeah, you could harness their power to make. I forget. He was able to do something where he made them make their hive in a box, right? He caught them in the wild and put them in a box yeah well he like he found the queen and put her in a box and then all the worker bees sort of

surrounded her and started salivating honey around her cool so yeah i would do that i think the fact that he's not respected by beekeepers that he knows is fine. And I think it seems more like, I guess what he's worried about is like, why isn't he being an adult? You know, like I feel like a little child because I'm scared of these bees. But I think the thing that will make you feel like an adult is handling it as best you can so it's

not avoiding the bees it's not not going out there it's calling somebody it's finding somebody there are conservationists that will that will remove the bees they won't come and exterminate it they'll just take the hive if there's any bees in there still and yeah take it out yeah like there are task rabbits that will handle this. You have to go to a specialist. Why are the specialists laughing at him? Also, if the specialists are like, you have to describe like what kind of bees they are.

Like I would imagine that if you went in there and you looked at the bees, you'd probably describe them the same way as if you never saw one. You would just be like, yeah, they're yellow. They look like bees. You're the specialist. You have you never saw one you would just be like yeah they're yellow they look like bees uh you're the specialist you have to come here you know and then once they'll figure out they'll yeah like if they were if it's a bumblebee versus a worker bee versus a yellow

jacket or a hornet yeah they'll be like oh you were wrong when you said it was a bumblebee but that's fine because we deal with all of them. Yeah. Or like they come in, it's like all those bees are dead. And you're like, yeah, I fucking lied to you to get you here,

but you know what? You're here. So I guess discard the dead bees or the yellow jackets or the, I think there's something even scarier about a fucking hive full of dead bees than one's, than one full of live bees. Cause bees won't fuck with you. They're not going to hurt you.

They're, they're good little souls. Yeah. Because bees won't fuck with you. They're not going to hurt you. They're good little souls. Yeah. Unless you fuck with them. I've seen a swarm of bees in the wild. Like in Joshua Tree, you hear the buzzing, and then it's like this black cloud moving towards you. And you're like, holy shit. We had to get down, and they just sort of hovered over us.

But it was a loud swarm. Yeah. And it happened to us once that uh we were like at julia noon's place that's right and there was it sounded like a lawnmower yeah i think what they do is every once in a while they like they have to find a new hive they all leave like if something happens to their hive maybe but they all leave and then basically just find a new place but it's uh it's a mass exodus and it's just a fuck ton of bees that are homeless. But then they build a hive in like an hour or two.

Yeah. So it moves fast and so do they. And they're loud and they are scary. So I wouldn't be like, you know, ashamed of being afraid. Yeah. But also don't be afraid of lying to the beekeeper on the phone on the day. I'd be ashamed of not handling it. I'm not saying that you have to handle it by going into the shed, but you have to like,

I guess I would be, if you're worried about the beekeepers respecting you, then I think you're overthinking this. You not going into the shed, that's fine. You not calling the beekeepers and being like, listen here, bee removal guy, you got to come to my house. Or fucking call your landlord. He says he doesn't deal with bugs. I think I'd be like, okay, cool. So I'll deduct what I have to pay the beekeepers from my rent this month.

Oh, that's cool. That's what I would do. I like that. And then he'll be, and then you sit, then you send your rent along with an invoice from the beekeeper. And, uh, and you don't have to, you know, yeah, you don't have to pay out of your own pocket. I like that. And maybe if you say something like that, the landlord will be like, well, wait a second. I'll, I'm going to shop around and find the best price. I'll handle it. That's cool. So you turn your fear of bees, which is kind of like a nerdy little wussy thing to like a guy who's like cool at business like hey landlord yeah i'm afraid of the bees but you know what i'm gonna take your ass to court and then he's like yeah i'll see you in court

but i'm gonna come with a bee and then you're gonna be like yeah i'm actually let's not do that don't sting me but I will see you in court alright cool questions asked questions answered oh yeah for your own questions or theme songs send them all down to

if I were you show at gmail dot com and then we're running low on theme songs, so send those over too. For more If I Were You, we have bonus video Thursday episodes on our Patreon. Patreon.com slash JA.

Yep. I have another podcast called The Goat Show. You can check that one out too. That's right. The Goat Milk episode, one of your most popular episodes I saw. That's right. That's right. Find out which goat, which milk is the goat milk. And is it goat milk? You better believe we did try goat milk.

How was it? Weird. That makes sense. But not as bad as I thought it was going to be. All right. We'll be back, of course, this time next week. Thank you for listening. Bye, everybody.

Later. Later. That was a HateGum Podcast