Segments - 426: Corona Calls (w/Geoff, Marty, & Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: March 16, 2020

In this episode we call each other to discuss this crazy new world... then we call some friends and ask them how they're holding up. Stay safe and stay home, everybody!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bedsheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing

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we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous.

You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't.

This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. That's right. No theme song, no good microphones. There's no time. The world's coming to a close. This is coronavirus part two,

and little did we know what we had in store for ourselves when we recorded last week, which feels like seven years ago. I'd love to go back in time and tell quaint little old me that I would be homebound for, I guess, a year. All of the plans I had, they've all gone out the window. Do you remember what you were doing a week ago? We're recording this, we should say, Sunday, March 15th, Sunday night at like 5.30. Just to put the timeline in perspective, the CDC just said no mass gatherings of more than 50 people for the next eight weeks. Somebody is going to be picking up an iPhone out of the rubble

in 10 years from now listening to this podcast before the collapse of society. A robot throws it into a trash can. A robot with a dry cough. So we are not in our office. I figured maybe we can record a phone call, sort of test out what it would be like to be able to record a podcast on the go. That's why we sound like this. Yeah, this is the last medium that's going to survive. It's podcasting, and that's it. All of the shows that you like, they've all gone out of production. They're not being filmed anymore. You won't get Netflix. Do you guys understand that? That's not happening.

They'll get it. They'll get Netflix, but it'll be old shit. Witcher season two is off. Fast and the Furious is not happening anymore. You have the first seven movies, and you have Hobbes versus Shaw, but that's it. Look who comes crawling back. Podcasting is the medium that will outlive us all. So, yeah, a week ago, I was at my buddy Jesse's house watching a basketball game,

wondering if we should go to a fucking poker room later that day. And I'm like, you know what, let's play it safe. There's 700 people there exchanging chips, and I think we've even talked about it last week. I'm like, you kind of made fun of me, but he's like, all right, ultimately I understand. And, you know, talking to you, you were like, yeah, I'll probably get it, but what can I do about it last week. I'm like, you kind of made fun of me, but he's like, all right, ultimately, I understand. And, you know, talking to you, you were like, yeah, I'll probably get it, but what can I do about it? That's right. Then I would say the biggest, the biggest deal was Wednesday. That felt like, you know, the tipping point. Wednesday felt like the beginning. That was the beginning of the end, for sure. Yeah. As it felt very nba centric but i don't know if that if it felt that way for you uh someone who's not as like deeply engrossed in the nba

yeah i don't care that much about the nba but i definitely take it as like as a constant you know like a way of life that that i wouldn't have ever thought would be interrupted. I think the NBA and Tom Hanks at the same time really put it on America's doorstep. Yeah, I remember I was watching an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and I'm like, all right, that was a fun 30 minutes. Let's see what's new in the world. Oh, Tom Hanks says coronavirus, the NBA suspended

and no one can go outside. Yeah, now I'm just wondering, Hank says coronavirus, the NBA suspended, and no one can go outside. Yeah. Now I'm just wondering, I mean, like, I've accepted that it's very bad. It's very bad. I'm just wondering how, like, I don't know. It really makes me realize how much I liked my life two weeks ago. Sure, I had problems. But when everything just comes to a, like like it just grinds to a stop.

And like, all I can think about is like, all right, like when will it get better? When will it be normal again? Yeah. And I, it was definitely,

you don't know what you got till it's gone. Cause like we had complaints in the previous world, but now I'm like, Oh God, I would take four more years of Trump if it meant I can go to fucking Whole Foods again. That was fine. I was fine with it, all right? Let's go to a restaurant. Yeah, I can't go to a bar without feeling sad, without feeling guilty.

Well, let's see what's happened since then. Like, it feels like the rate of change is happening so fast. I assume bars in New York City are closed down? I don't think, at least as of right now, they have not officially been closed down. It seems like that's what's happening. I know it just happened in California, right? Yeah, earlier today, bars in California have completely closed down because, you know, when I'm reading tweets that say, do not go anywhere because

you might have coronavirus and no symptoms. And by going to a bar, you might infect 50 people who will infect 250, who will infect 2000. And I'm like, all right, I'll stay at home, Twitterer guy. I promise to you. But then I also look on Twitter. I'm like, yeah, Bourbon Street's still packed. Times Square's still packed.

Everybody's still going to a bar and restaurant. No. Like, I think on Tuesday or Monday this week, I, like, went to a party, like a big event. Yeah. And that seems wildly irresponsible now. Yeah, what was kind of a slight risk at the time, but like, it's okay, I won't shake hands one day, becomes like an insane proposition just six days later.

There's a hundred people laughing and doing the elbow thing. I'm like, no, that's not funny. Don't even fucking bump my elbow. I'm dead now. What do you think your chances are that you've been exposed to it? I don't know. I mean, I'm reading things that say within the next 12 to 18 months, 75% of Americans will have it in some way, shape, or form. So I don't know if I've gotten it already. I've, you know, for the first, the Wednesday, Thursday, Friday day, I'm like, I'll go to the supermarket and like, that's it.

And then like, since Friday, I'm like, maybe I shouldn't even go to Starbucks. Maybe I shouldn't go to Whole Foods and touch anything. Like I haven't, I've left my house, but I haven't gone anywhere in 48 hours. Yeah. And this is the, this is the part that's interesting to me. Cause like snow day is kind of fun. Corona day. It's a little,

it's like the first day. It's a little interesting. You're like, you're joking around on social media with your friends. Like this is what social distancing looks like. Yada, yada. Uh,

two days of that. That's fine. Uh, four weeks of that, that's fine. Four weeks of that, that's a little maddening. That's going to fuck you up. Yeah, the psychological implications, which are being vastly underreported because more people are rightfully so concerned with the actual health and business implications.

Right. Although not even four weeks. We don't know what the timeline will be, which is also kind also insane at creating. Yeah, but it could, I mean, I was seeing charts that are like, maybe like the peak is over the summer, it comes down in October, but then also maybe it comes down in the summer because of the warm weather and then it spikes in the fall, like the Spanish flu in 1918 or whatever. Right.

Does that mean we're indoors for the next 12 months? The next year we're not traveling? We're not even, like, going to any restaurant, bar, party, wedding, funeral that could possibly come up, hospital, God forbid? Yeah, I truly don't know. What's your biggest fear like is your fear do you fear for your health for your parents health for the world's health do you feel just for the sake of uh of normalcy the stock market the uh our our careers and our job industry all of the above none of the above. Literally everything. Everything is under attack.

Like, it's not just your current status, your health, which is, you know, dangerous. It's also your parents' health, like you said. 65-year-olds are supposed to isolate themselves in California. Okay, that's my parents. And then every business that either I am associated with or friends are associated with is under attack because nobody can go to work. So, you know, friends of friends that run restaurants, cafes, small businesses, for the next, they're closed for how long?

Can they come back ever? Yeah. I mean, that's the weirdest thing to me, that, like, the way to, the best way to help right now is to do nothing and kind of, like, stay in, keep yourself at a distance. But then we also don't know for how long. Yeah, no, we have no idea. And there are guesstimates that it can last, you know, a year.

And we don't know if that'll be a year, if it'll be four weeks or somewhere in between. And then while this is happening, people are, you know, a bunch of people think that individuals like myself and maybe you are overreacting. They're like also getting trolled. Yeah. And you definitely don't want to be right. To be like, oh no, I was freaking out and I was correct. Because now the world's dead then. I hope I'm wrong.

I want to rub those people in their faces like, see? Our hospitals are now overcrowded and thousands of people are dying you were wrong but i don't want that happening laughing told you or like everything does get shut down which i like starting to feel is completely inevitable like the fact that we're taking these baby steps towards italy when we know exactly what's going on there uh we know that it's going to be shut down soon enough, that if that does happen and then it becomes in check and those same people that were at the St. Patrick's Day bar crawls two days ago are like, see, it was nobody's deal. And then, I mean, they just closed public schools in

New York, I think like up until April or something. But people are saying like, oh yeah, there's like a good chance that they won't reopen until September. Like this will just, it's this until summer, which is, I mean, that's insane to me. And then while we're indoors, a bunch of our escapes are also not available to us. I'm like at home watching basketball games or baseball games or football games or going to movies. Like, that's not available either.

Yeah, everything is on a hard pause for an indeterminate amount of time. And I just wonder, like, how long society itself can stay at rest with, like, doing nothing, just, like, frozen in time. Like, it's so weird doing anything, like sending an email, talking to somebody that's not a talking to someone about something that's not the fucking virus. Yeah, I mean, we could have recorded a podcast on, like, Monday or Tuesday and, like, gone up and, like, yeah, answer people's questions about what to do when their crush tweets at them and thinks it was a DM or something like that. But like, when do we go back to that? Yeah, I back to the small problems. It does feel a little bit like 9-11-y, where, like, everything has changed and we don't know for how long,

except the tweets that I'm reading of, like, returning to normalcy are also really dangerous. So it's like, I'm walking around the streets of Austin and we're finally returned to normal. This is incredibly dangerous. Everybody continue going home. Don't act as if nothing is happening. Nobody can be outside. It's not over yet, because this fucking invisible killer is still out to get us. One thing that is very funny to me is seeing, and I know that it's important, but like the

social distancing, social media shaming people that are outside, which is... I was equating it to that the best thing we can do is stay at home. Yes. So people doing that are feeling like small heroes and they're really going off on people that are at a bar. Yeah. Bars are the worst people right now. I've not gone to a bar. I want the public to know that I have not gone to a bar. Yeah. Mr. Flushin, maybe you'll start getting them next to you. Oh, fuck off. I didn't cause this.

Don't come at me with the flu shot thing. You were patient with zero in America. Are you reading about what's going on abroad? Just, like, sort of prepare yourself mentally about, like, how South Korea, how Italy is dealing with this stuff? I don't think I, I listen to, like, the Daily and some podcasts about it, like, the draconian measures that China took, and I was like, that sounds pretty solid, like, if that's what it takes, that seems okay to me. Yeah. Like, I don't want to go like that, yeah, I don't want a government like that yeah I don't want that in general but yeah like when I see a hundred people

like gathered outside of five leaves for brunch this morning I'm like someone should someone should round them up and take all their temperatures that does seem fine I mean do they know what's going on like how in Italy that's where we are where they were 10 days ago,

and now their hospitals are overcrowded and they have to like decide whose lives to save. Like, do they think about that or do they not even care? And they also, like just today, like their most severe death day, like 300 people died today. Yeah. And that's not like, oh, it's 300 people in a shooting and that won't happen tomorrow. It's like, no, those numbers go up every day and we are on a boat headed right towards there and unless we do something about it, there's nothing we can do.

I think that's kind of fascinating and sad that as dumb and bad as Trump has been, there hasn't really been anything that, like, we really needed to rely on the president for until right now. So, like, almost the whole entire time, we almost avoided it the whole entire time. But now we probably have the worst guy at the helm. Yeah, a guy who's literally, I mean, have you seen any of these press conferences where this actual smart scientist Fauci comes on afterwards and has to basically say that Trump was lying out of his ass? Yeah, it's crazy.

It is insane. Everything he said, he just keeps on pretending he wants to pretend that it didn't happen he would fucking kill for it to have happened during obama's presidency yeah basically he basically comes on it's like you know if you're young or if you're relatively healthy it's fine it's really dangerous if you're old this is by the way backtracking off his stance of this entire thing was a hoax two weeks ago. So he's apparently moving to the point where he's admitting that it's dangerous for old and sick people. And then this Dr. Fauci, who's, like, been around since the AIDS epidemic, has to come on. Right.

So basically, even if you're young, it's still really dangerous because the symptoms don't necessarily show for five to 14 days and you can still transfer it on to people. So I just wanted to get that out there so you guys know you shouldn't be going to work, was it, you fucking idiot? Oh, Jesus Christ. It seems like LA is a comfortable place to be quarantined. Are you worried about spending the foreseeable future at your house or do you feel pretty comfortable there? I mean, I'm as comfortable as possible. I'm like, I'm in part of the, I'm probably like the most fortunate 1% of people who are being

quarantined because one, like I'm, I don't have two kids that I also have to entertain or a baby on the way, or I'm not sick right now, or I'm not, you know, having to go to work at a baby on the way or I'm not sick right now or I'm not, you know, having to go to work at a place that needs me or in need of money in some way or in an apartment that's too small. So, like, I have every, like, box that I could possibly have checked off and it's still only, like, three days in and I'm still, like, starting to dread it. You're still nervous. Yeah.

I've been thinking about going, uh, like getting a place upstate now. Yeah. Which is a great luxury. Yeah. Like, but I just like getting a nice little Airbnb.

Great luxury. 1% of course. Yeah. I'm like, I think about doing that and I'm like, Oh yeah, I would do that for like a week, but you can't like,

this won't be over in a week sorry you'll come back to a place that by every statistic will have gotten you know exponentially significantly worse yeah so I guess yeah maybe I'm gonna start it's too late now I wish I had been a doomsday prepper oh what did you do for uh like first round of groceries second round of groceries are you going to the mall are you going to a store are you ordering online um we were lucky that like a couple things I feel like you need to do I had just done anyway like I just before all of the panic buying I like just Amazon ordered a bunch of toilet paper and I just filled my truck up with gas. Uh, so like I was like kind of set there. Then I went to the

grocery store. I got a bunch of frozen, uh, meat, fake meat, frozen vegetables. Uh, I got a bunch of fresh fruit, vegetables. Yeah, I stocked up. I went twice to the grocery store, and then Jill and I also placed an Amazon order. Right. And now, would you say you have food for a week, two weeks, four weeks? I think we have food probably for a month, but not like it wouldn't be good the whole time. But yeah, I wouldn't starve. We have a ton of food. Would you go to a bodega right now and buy some soup if you wanted to? Or are you like, no, I'm not stepping foot into one of those stores?

Yeah, I would. I think I'd go into a bodega if I needed something. But I don't need anything. But I, like, I drove my car today. Oh, wow. Where'd you go? I dropped a plant off at my brother's. Okay, so he's infected.

At this point, you can no longer consider yourself socially isolated. And the countdown to do that now is another 14 days. Social distancing, you can see your family. It's like small groups, isn't it? Yeah. Well, one thing that I read was like, you have to quarantine yourself completely for 14 days to make sure you don't have it. Because at that point, it's been, you know, like, you would probably show signs. So if you literally don't touch anything from the outside world or yourself or anybody else

for 14 days, then you can start introducing new people to your ecosystem. Only if they have also done this 14-day isolation. Yeah. I mean, that's obviously not going to happen. I don't understand. Like, I really don't get what the plan is. You quarantine yourself for 14 days. Great. That's the most responsible thing you can do.

Then as soon as you walk outside, you're potentially infected again, right? As soon as you do anything. You walk outside. You have to go back into quarantine. Yeah. So, like, I know Starbucks are not letting people stay inside their restaurants anymore. Can I order one and just scoop the cup on the way out? Did you go to Starbucks today?

I went on Thursday and haven't gotten since. What are you going to do for coffee? Do you need coffee in the morning? Yeah. Fortunately, obviously, I always like this instant coffee that I'm able to, like, rig. But, you know, now we're running low on almond milk. Do I go to Whole Foods to pick it up? Do I, like, try to order one on Amazon Fresh?

What's more safe? Is going to Whole Foods and just walking in with a fucking motorcycle helmet on and latex gloves and taking a carton of milk out more safe? It's going to Whole Foods and just walking in with a fucking motorcycle helmet on and latex gloves and taking a carton of milk out more safe or having an Amazon delivery man drop it off at my door and then spraying it down for 24 hours. Yeah, is that better? None of the fires. The Amazon delivery man actually has to come into your house

so you can quarantine with him for 14 days, just to make sure you're both good. On Tuesday, my male lady, like, rang the door because we had a package, and she, like, pet my dog. I'm like, well, I have to murder my pet. I am letting him go. Luke is getting quarantined in the garage now. He's in a box for 36 hours to make sure that nothing has touched him.

Because I guess, you know, surfaces can hold the virus for 24 hours. Yeah. I mean, we're all fucked. What's worst-case scenario for you? I guess worst case scenario, I decide that I need to escape the city, go to Connecticut to stay with my parents, but I bring home the virus,

infect my mother, and kill her. Okay, Yeah. I guess you're thinking of it, you know, like a very internal worst case scenario rather than like the entire... Well, that would be, I mean, yes. Well, because if that happened, I'd have to kill myself. Right. So that...

And then in addition to that, 2 million Americans died because there's not enough ventilators in America to treat everybody. Yeah, but if my mom died, it would be the end of the world. No one else is my family. Do you know what I mean? Does that make sense? Yeah, what about your wife and her family? Does that count, or is that still half the degree removed? It counts, but it's removed, yeah. It's all... No, I think Jill is...

Jill is probably freaking out as much as you are, I think. Oh, that's good. So she's reading the doomsday warning. She's seeing what's going on in Italy, the decisions the doctors have to make, realizing that we are headed straight towards there unless

there's a full lockdown. And instead of that, full bars and restaurants are still open. Yeah. Plus, Jill also thinks she has it. Oh, yeah. That's another thing. Like, once you start to cough, it's like, uh-oh. This is how freaked out we are when I feel fine. Yeah. Yeah. Like, if you just, like, clear your throat, you're like, well, there it is. It's finally come free. Yeah, right. Sneeze. Yeah.

Especially in New York, it does seem like every time you have a dry throat, you're like, well, I guess maybe because I did walk, like, through the park today. And I touched the door to get into the building. Right now, this is, like, the best it will be for two months. Because, like, right now, we don't know a lot of people that say the hospitals aren't overrun yet. This is just, like, we're now just panic slash preparing for the bad situation, which will start coming this week. So, like, as bad as it is now, this will feel like the good old days in a month. What? Oh, God.

Which is, that's fucking scary. Because last week, I don't know, last week it didn't feel that serious. It does now. I also remember, like, did I tell you about this? Like, that a few months ago, I was in a hotel. I, like, saw, like, the I tell you about this? Like that a few months ago, I was like, I was in a hotel. I like saw that like the first cases were being talked about outside of Wuhan or something.

And I was, and I just like archived the New York Times alert. And I was like, yeah, you know what? That seems serious, but I'm going to watch Downton Abbey. Yeah. abby yeah will there be bounce and abby watching when there are reports of like uh tens of thousands of people rioting at a hospital to get their loved one on a ventilator i think that's what scares me the most like more so than like or i mean not more so but like as much as people getting sick is like everyone in new york city losing their. And like, yeah, I've had like two weird, like fever daydreams about like needing to know where my car is

so we can get out of here. Yeah. And it seems like as soon as we have the slightest idea of like, maybe we should get out or maybe we should shut this down. It seems like shouldn't we just jump to worse like next case scenario and like move to Idaho for the time being? Well, that's what I wanted to go and get a place upstate. But I also don't know because it does seem like by the time you panic, it's

too late. Like nobody's ever doing something at the optimal time. Like it's smarter for me to have panicked a month and a half ago, and then I could have stocked up on toilet paper and there would have been no line. I could have gotten all of the frozen food I needed, and everyone would have told me I was overreacting. Yeah, you would have been the crazy person. Like, why are you buying 148 rolls of toilet paper and filling up your car? And you're like, well, there's this fucking COVID-19 in Wuhan, China right now,

and who's to say it won't hop over to America? Wearing a tinfoil hat. What is your worst case scenario? Yeah, it's that. It's the overcrowded hospitals. It's a million people who need urgent care, and we don't have enough ER. And, like, then the facade of society starts wearing down,

and people just, like, start going crazy. Like, when there literally is no Whole Foods anymore, when there's no Amazon to order from, and you're out of food, what do you start doing? I don't know don't know is it going to be like the fucking purge in May yeah I think that things like this and like uh I remember Hurricane Sandy too like it just it makes you realize how much of a like we're all hanging by a thread it's just like society itself is a house of cards that everybody just plays by the same rules that we all accept as normal, but then when those things get rocked, when the foundation is shaken just a little bit,

it all goes to shit. Like a house of cards. And again, the best case scenario is that we go back to the Trump America that we go back to, you know, the Trump America that we didn't really like that much anyway. Let's take a break. And then I thought it would be fun to call some of our friends and see how they're doing. Maybe they're fine. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free.

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It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people yeah you do thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. All right. You want to call John Conklin and Jeffrey James? Yeah. All right. So I'll call him, then I'll try to merge us. Okay.

Who do you mean? It's like a Transylvania thing. I've been working on this character. Yeah. Dracula? You've been working on Dracula? Who? Never mind.

Do you have any idea what's going on in the world? Well, it's been raining a bit. L.A. rain, am I right? Yeah, we didn't even talk about that. In addition to all this, it's been raining in L.A. nonstop for the first week ever. The sky is literally falling. What are you guys, how's Corona treating you? Off quarantine? Yeah, we were talking about how we

sort of isolated ourselves for the last few days, but we're wondering at what point can we start reintroducing ourselves to new friends? I thought we'd reach out to some. Have you touched anything in the outside world since Wednesday? Have you touched anyone? I wish, man. I went on a walk yesterday. But other than that... You're contaminated. So you're dead.

You're... Well, I think you're not a carrier. So I was just trying to get some fresh air. But yeah, I probably, you know, sent it on. How are you doing your shopping? So I did one big Instacart order from Gelson, right? Added a bunch of dry goods, canned soups, everything I would need for the two weeks that people were saying we needed to prepare for. Maybe an eighth of that stuff was in stock and came.

So I basically just have bags of chips, cereal, and ground beef. So I've been having burgers the last three nights. You're a college freshman. Of course. Yeah, I'm home alone. That's really what this whole thing is. A whole cheese pizza just for me. Two weird guys in hats have been trying to break into my apartment. I've been kind of getting them with sharp jacks on the floor.

Yeah, yeah. You got to try blow torching them. Oh, yeah. No, that was what I was going to do tomorrow night. Do you have plans to leave your apartment or do anything socially for the next however long? I've been FaceTiming friends. I'm watching the debates right now. But no, not to leave. Yeah. And what are you going to do about food?

Would you walk into a Trader Joe's right now and break the crowd? I don't know if I would do a big store like that. I mean, there's a Lassen's by my house that's medium-sized, so I might go there if necessary. There's also this tiny little market like a block away from me right now, so I've gone there once.

I read the other day that Ohio, somebody in Ohio speculated that 1% of the state has it. Was that like an actual thing that Ohioans believed in, or is that just somebody doomsdaying it? That was just, I think, to get people to take it seriously. I mean, that might be the estimate. It was, what, 100,000 people?

Yeah. So, you know, that's an estimate. But I think you could say that about literally any state right now that has it. Like, the estimate's obviously higher than the confirmed cases. Like, L.A. only has 54. But I feel like I've just heard of, like, you know, 10 people or something within my own circles that have it. Right. It has to be because you have family in Ohio. Right, yeah. My parents are, you know, socialized, social distancing, and we'll see how this goes. They're socialized, right? Well, they're socialized. They kind of walk down grand staircases and furs often,

so they haven't been able to do that in a while. That's cool. My dad is immunosuppressed because he has to take this psoriasis medication and he also has had this cough for like a few months. So if he gets this, I might go home to see him. But we'll see. Jesus Christ. Life.

And this is a comedy podcast? Anyway, let's answer that question. Some dude has a crush on his librarian. This is from four years ago. You better keep that one quiet. That's right. That's right.

Been trying my hand at close-up magic, actually. Would love to, you know, do a bit on the video podcast sometime. Yeah, like I said, we don't really know. Like, we're recording this over the phone. I'm not really sure what we're going to do. This is more of like a, this is a Corona podcast now. It's not. I just pulled a rabbit out of a hat. All right, I'm coming over. Are you guys scared? Jake, you're in New York still, or are you in Connecticut?

I'm in New York still. Just right up until they turn the power grid off and let us all fend for ourselves. But we've got a GoBox 12-gauge, and I'll hoof it out to CT. Okay. a 12 gauge and I'm gonna I'll hoof it out to CT okay so you're waiting until there's 10 times the obstacles in front of you that's right cause that's when I'm gonna fucking prove myself holy shit

except you have like wolverine claws glued to your fucking knuckles party city wolverine costume to your fucking knuckles. Party City Wolverine costume. You bought it yesterday. You left your apartment to go there. All right, let's start.

Let's call somebody else. Let's see what they're doing. Thanks for calling, Jeff. Thanks for talking to us. Yeah, cheers. Stay cool, all right? Because that's see what they're doing. Thanks for calling, Jeff, or thanks for talking to us. Yeah, cheers. Stay cool, right? That's what you're all about. Shout out to the Review Review podcast. Yeah, we also have a podcast. I don't know how we're going to record remote. Maybe I'll call one of you

later and see how you're doing this. It sounds great. It's definitely not hard, but we don't know if it's good. Well, it's definitely stilted, so I can't wait to listen to it. You know, our other show is also bad. All right, see ya. All right, bye.

I thought we should call Marty because he was on a flight last week. Jesus Christ. Let me find Marty on my phone. The Head Gum Triumvirate. Hello. Marty, what do you think of the Head of Gum as a title, a job title? I like that.

Yeah, it's not bad. I'll stick with CEO, but feel free to take it. I'll go head of gum. No, I want to be the head of gum. All right. I guess I'll continue being president. No, I thought you were treasurer. No, no, no.

You don't want to take all those. No, no, no. No, no, it was your dad that said that. Yeah, you said the note taker, secretary. Yeah, well, my father is a fucking hack. Oh, my God. We have more pressing things to discuss. How's your self-isolation quarantine going?

I have, like, very much highs and lows. I didn't expect this to be so turbulent. Oh, I have that. I mean, like, I feel sometimes, like sometimes like i'm fine and then other times like oh i'm dying and there's gonna be no hospital beds for me do you think you have you have covid i mean i don't think i have it but i did fly recently twice in the last week and i have like a little bit of a light cough every now and then but i'm not sure if I have a cough or if I'm just like, maybe in my head I have a cough.

Well, the crazy thing is right now, like if you think you have, even if you think you have it, you're supposed to stay home. Right. Yeah. So like if you, if you don't have it, stay home. If you might have it, stay home. If you're pretty convinced you have it, you stay home. The only reason to go to a hospital is if you're actively dying.

Correct. And also, I think I'm panicking myself because I just read a thread on Twitter that was talking about how in Seattle, if you're over 40, basically they don't have a bed for you right now. Great. Yeah, perfect. And that's close to home for you. That's close to your hometown of Portland. That's the Pacific Northwest.

It's at PNW. Have you made any plans in your head to, like, get out of Dodge or something? Like, where are you thinking two, three, four weeks from now? What's your doomsday plan? If I have to, I guess I'd get in the car and drive somewhere. But, I mean, Portland is where the family is. Although my mom, crazy enough, because they don't have school, she's going to fly out to see my sister in Virginia

and spend some time with her and try and help her. Fly out? I know. How are the flights when you get them? Well, empty. I mean, I told you, I think the set, I didn't really look back on the first flight, but on the second one, there was probably one person per aisle on each side and nobody else. And I was back from New York to LA, which I assume is probably one of the more popular flights that exist. That's crazy.

Yeah. And I felt good. I felt good. i was like wiping down my area i had my light bulb wipes i didn't have anything next to me um so i felt good about it uh i still feel pretty good but you know it's kind of a weird apocalyptic situation everywhere you go i mean you like i took the bus to get to uber and there's like nobody on the bus there's nobody in the uber line on a fucking bus marty well no you have to get to Uber, and there's nobody on the bus. There's nobody in the Uber line. You went on a fucking bus, Marty? Well, no. You have to

get the LAX thing. I didn't touch anything. Marty also went thrift. He went thrift shopping today. He took a bus to a Salvation Army to look for a new flannel. That's right. Didn't find anything. But I did find some really cool

old retainers. That's cool. You tried those on. And I did find some really cool old retainers. That's cool. You tried those on. And I think when you paid, you punched in your debit key code with your tongue, right? That's right. I also like to smell my cash real close before I give it away. What have you done for food? So I guess like four days ago, I jumped on the bandwagon of ordering food, and so I did an Amazon grocery to the office, which I picked up yesterday.

But what's crazy is, I mean, I haven't looked today, but when I did it, normally you get three two-hour delivery window, and the first time I could get it was three days out. And that was four days ago I can only imagine how it's getting worse and worse do you have food yeah I have I have food but it's like it's all just frozen meals and dry soup and stuff that I can make easily it's not good I'm like basically I mean it's like a lot of those uh oh, I got chimichangas. It's really perfect because you've been living, you've been living a bachelor lifestyle. Your bachelor lifestyle is going to, you have, all you have is frozen food.

All you eat is frozen. It's true. It's true. I'm basically, I'm like prime for this type of event. I know how to deal with myself. Your apartment is basically a bunker. Did you say a dry soup? Yeah, it's a dry soup, dude.

It's last forever. The worst thing you can, the worst way to describe it, dude. It's just granola. Marty also has fucking Xbox. I was talking to Carnell yesterday, and he was telling me that, like, the thing I should get is an Xbox. You know, I'm just gaming.

Xbox Live went down for an hour, and I literally had no idea what to do with myself. Wow. I went on Twitter to see, and, like, everyone was tweeting, like, first coronavirus, now this. World's ending. Marty ate a cup of dry soup in the shower.

Gamers have such an advantage right now. You guys have days and days to just game. I wish I had the desire to do any of that. You could just start gaming. I've seen you play Crossy Road for four days straight without putting your phone down. Thank God they didn't have screen time back then.

And then I've also seen you do the same with even work. Swing jump. Swing jump. It was swing jump. No, with the stupid text beer pong thing. That's what you do. Oh, in the text thread. Cup pong.

You get back on cup pong. Yeah, but it's not the same. Like, I wish I could just fucking 12-hour marathon sesh at Fortnite. You can. There's nothing stopping you. I just, I don't find joy in that. It wouldn't pass the time for me. That's why you have to have a squad like I do.

So you can get on with your boys and just kind of knock out some games. You blink. Yeah. It's four hours later. And then you're having a little dry soup. Then you can get on with your boys and just kind of knock out some games. You blame them. Yeah. It's four hours later and then you're having a little dry soup and then you do the same thing and then six hours later, it's time for bed.

Do all your Xbox friends know that you live by yourself in Los Angeles? Because they all live at home, right? They're 16. Well, I don't play with anybody under the age of 18, first of all. I like to keep it at least above 18. And some of the people I play with are friends in real life, like Tall Dave.

Artie, are you up to date on the coronavirus stuff? Are you sort of keeping yourself ignorant and in the dark? Well, that was the thing is, like, I was trying to keep myself ignorant, and then I went on Twitter today, and I almost had a panic attack. So I think I'm trying to get back off. Yeah. Jake, are you limiting what you learn because you're afraid? Or, like, is it more comforting to know everything,

or are you trying to cut yourself off? I don't – I guess I think there's nothing – I don't know. I'm not smart enough to know everything, but also I don't think there's really a benefit to knowing everything because there's so much that's uncertain and and like it's potentially disastrous and there's nothing we can do about it if it gets

disastrous so I don't know I have like a little bit of nihilism a little bit of like blissful ignorance and a little bit of a dry cough yeah and then the dry cough of course and a little bit of a dry cough.

Yeah. And then the dry cough, of course, and a dry suit. Which leads to which? That's the question at this point. I really need to figure that out. The dry cough is a symptom of the suit. Yeah, I don't know. It's hard to tell at this point.

Can you guys both give me the update of what you think is going on in the world so that I can get a proxy? Amir thinks it's more disastrous than I do, I think. Yeah, we talked about it. That's not good. He has a brother. Yeah, our numbers line up with Italy, but we're 10 or 11 days behind. So I'm just tracking that to see at which point we will have too many sick people for the hospitals, too many people who need emergency help that can't get it at the time. At a certain point, restaurants will have to shut down. Bars will have to shut down nationwide.

We're starting to see that in California. The restaurants are at 50% capacity. It feels like we are just tiptoeing ourselves to, if you look at what's happening in South Korea or China or Italy, but we're not taking, like, the crazy measures because, I guess, you know, one, we don't want our businesses to collapse, and two, we don't want to create panic or overreact because we only have 35 cases, 3,500 cases, and they have 25,000 cases. But, you know, we're not slowing down. 3,500 is just the start. Right.

And, Jake? I'm just sort of – I'm mourning the loss of regular life. I haven't really thought about the number of hospital beds, but I'm just a little sad that things aren't as good as usual. I miss the world as it was. Let's all take a guess of how long until we have

people going back to the office. Okay, I've got my guess. Alright, I have my guess as well. I'll guess August 1st. August 1st? You've got to say what your guess was,st. August 1st? You've got to say what your guess was, Marty. Mine was two weeks. Mine was April 15th.

One takes it. I've got to get back on the video games. Okay, mine's April 15th, but it's 2028, and it's not an August. Okay? Often has a different meaning in our dystopian future. Yeah. We are in a virtual reality cube in Cameroon, the last country without a confirmed case. Oh, my goodness.

Yeah. This is dire. We won't see the peak of this disease in America for another two months. So this is the lowest amount we'll have right now. It's the lowest amount of panic we'll have for one to two months. No, I don't agree. Not in LA. Isn't the virus not too well in the heat?

Here we go. I'm a heater, dude. Sorry, he's talking right now to somebody who's playing Gears of War with him. Uh, where are you? Show up, Tucker! He's right behind you! Ah!

The numbers are only going to go up until we shut everything down. You see that, like, bars and restaurants, even, like, near Jake, are still overcrowded and overpopulated and, you know, lines are out the door. Yeah, there's people that are not social distancing in New York City, for sure. You've got to imagine with 14 million people that a few of them probably will still go to the bar. The odds are... I think, and also, like, so often when things are looking grim, people want to go to the bar and just, like, say, fuck it.

I think that's what's happening, too. Yeah. I was at, I actually went, like, three nights ago, I was at a bar. In New York. I was at, I actually went like three nights ago. I was at a bar and I was actually leading a rally of people to the bar. And I, there weren't a lot of, there weren't a lot of people. It was like pretty slow.

Um, yeah, but I, I don't know. Restaurants have to stay open. Like what about people who didn't order food or couldn't order food? Like they have to have access to food, right? They're not going to let people sit in restaurants anymore. I think that take-out delivery is going to be allowed, but I think

that they're already limiting restaurants to 50% capacity. Right. And I saw that Seamless is giving back their service charge or something to restaurants? Yeah, they're kicking their service charge to the restaurant so they can get more money. I have a podiatry appointment on Tuesday. Is the doctor open? The foot doctor is, yeah. I mean, I don't even know what my dad's doing.

I think he's skiing. That's his favorite place to be. Might be. He was in Montana this week. I think skiing. Actually, yeah. You guys got the Mount Hood cabin. I know.

Keep that thing open. I'm going to... If Jill and I have to drive across the country, we'll all meet at the cabin at Mount Hood. Yeah, it's called Bugging Out. I watch a lot of those survival shows in between gaming. And you actually... The verb is bug out and that's how you get to your getaway place.

Cool. Yeah, I'm going to have to bug out. Alright, thanks for talking to us to bug out. All right. Thanks for talking to us, Marty. Hopefully we'll see you soon, either behind a hazmat suit or in a video call or something. Yeah, I'll see you on the Zoom link, baby. Yeah, that's right. All right, guys.

Stay safe. All right. We did it. All right. Do you want to try to call Ben Schwartz? One last one? Sure. Ben Schwartz, One last one? Sure. Ben Schwartz, how is the self-isolation going?

Good, man. Oh, is it happening already? Because your voice sounds like you're on a podcast. I love that. How are you doing? Where are you at? Oh, God. Take it down a notch, man. We're all just trying to get through this.

You got to go, but we'll take another call. And if you have your own suggestions about who we should talk to, please tweet at us. Alright, take it. Wait, I was doing a bit. I think he actually hung up. Great bit.

He committed to the bit. What a bit. What a bit. Oh my God. One second. Okay. Hello, Ben. Hello.

Hey, how you doing? Tell me everything. Hey, I'm sorry. I was listening to what you were saying. I was going by your step-by-step instructions. What was my step-by-step instruction? You said, we'll find someone else. Thanks for joining us.

Am I the hundredth caller or no? Better. I can't believe we called... You're the third caller. We called fucking Marty before, Ben. Are you fucking serious? I wasn't... Amir directed me with everybody.

I felt like he just hadn't back-channeled with you, or that he did. Say it to my fucking face. Amir, say it to my fucking face right now. Did you call fucking Marty before me? Think of, like, a comedy show. You don't fucking start with the headliner, bro. No, no. No, bro. No, no.

No, no. It's so hard to call him back and merge. God damn it. It's going to be extra fun for me to edit this part. Okay. Hello? You can apologize now. Hey, Ben, how's it going? Tell me everything. Okay. Hello? You're on with Ben. You can apologize now.

Hey, Ben. How's it going? Tell me everything. What do you need to know? All I know is that in the span of who you want to talk to and who has any meaning in your life, Marty comes first. I don't even want to know who was second. Who was second? Thomas?

Marty was second. It was actually Jeffrey James was first. Okay, that's fine. Jeffrey James was first. Jeffrey James, he's put in the work. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. He's a part of the company.

He's behind the scenes. You know what I mean? Yeah, he is. That's cool. They call him the head of gum. How are you guys doing? What are you working on? Hey, Jakey, are you okay?

Are you feeling all right? Yeah, I'm self-isolated. I've social distanced. Jill and I are just hanging out in our apartment. It's a lot smaller than I realized. Things are good. Things are fine. I'm good. How are you? Everything is pretty good. All the food, all the food in the world. I just, I feel that we're that we haven't even scratched on what's about to happen. I feel like in the next couple of days, New York especially, New York and L.A. are going to figure out or we're going to get a series of guidelines or something.

I think, don't you think? What do you feel like? Things feel bad. They feel uncertain. And it feels like it's definitely going to get worse. That's how it feels to me. I'll tell you now, there have been vultures that keep going around the roof of the place that I'm in right now, and they just keep going around and around.

They keep looking at me. I don't know what's going on. Are they coughing? Yeah, they're coughing, and they're not wearing masks, which is killing me right now. Partly because they can't get the straps on. They don't have, like, thumbs to help them out. They have more plied things, you know what I mean? They should really self-isolate.

Yeah. Anyway, I'm, like, inches away from starting a podcast. I don't know what the hell to do. Really? Yeah, yeah. We'll send you a mic. Oh, yeah, please. Cough all over it. That's the last thing I need.

One of those Hurwitz germ mics. Hurwitz germ mics? Then I have a question. Yeah, can't wait. When was the last time you left your house and what did you do? Grocery shopping this morning. Right when they

opened, by the way. Was it crowded? There were lines on both sides going into the grocery store at, I think, 6.55. There was a little line on both sides

and we got in there and they had already restocked a bunch of stuff. They didn't have eggs a couple days ago. Now they have eggs. But I'm buying stuff that I haven't touched in. Like Entenmann's Donuts, a dream. Frozen pepperoni pizzas. Sure, why not? Eggos?

When was the last time you had an Eggo? I got like two things of whole grain Eggos. It's unbelievable. Oh, we got the, we got syrup as well. What else is there? There, there's something else that I got that I was really, oh, I got, I got a mac and cheese, the Kraft Blue Box mac and cheese, which was one of three things I was allowed to make when I was a kid, like in the stove, on, on the stove. We got that. It's kind of, it's, it's, it's like, the first time

I went to the supermarket, it was very, it was, I ran into some people that I knew it was very like, people were doing bits

and stuff like that. It was right after like, people were like, because of Tom Hanks? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, it raised awareness.

Now everybody's being responsible and everybody's like pointing to doing bits. And the last time I was there it was all business. It was no was there, it was all business. It was all business. Yeah. I think people are slowly starting to realize this is the new normal.

This wasn't like a hurricane weekend or a blackout situation. This is like, oh, this might be the entire summer. Well, when is this getting released? Is this your new Corona pod? This episode is going to come out in October, I think. We're coming back. I feel like that's really not going to make any sense. Okay, good.

Can I spoil what happens in all the episodes of, like, Space Force and what happens in our comedy specials? Yeah, that'd be great. Yeah. Because everybody, by this time, they've all been out, if it's coming back over. We're recording it Sunday night, March 15th, releasing it Monday morning, March 16th. Which is so funny, because by the time this comes out, there may be more information that comes out.

I'm addicted to it. What was that? Did you just cough? I have a little tickle in the back of my throat. A tickle? Yeah. Is it dry? Yeah, it's a little dry.

Oh, fuck. Greg, hang on. Vulture just landed on the balcony. Yeah, there it is. This is so insane. I think I must be hallucinating because anytime the vulture opens its mouth, I hear your voice. It's like you guys are right in front of me. Ben, I got another question.

I got another caller. I got to let you go, Ben. Marty's on the phone. Marty's on the phone. The person who handles our distribution for those pillows that never sold, the Jacob and Beer pillows are on the other line. I got to get them through. Those sold eventually.

Those actually sold eventually. I remember going in that closet for months and finding out that they were sold. They were on a deep discount. We took an L, but they're all gone. This is a huge dream for Jake, by the way. A huge dream for Jake because he gets to stay in New York and continue

doing his job. Honestly, not having to fly back and forth to LA is fine with me. Yeah, I'm finally feeling healthy. Yeah, being inside has helped me I've been playing video games since I started Chrono Trigger on SNES Mini and

by the way, if you have a Switch, we can play online old Nintendo and Super Nintendo games and then tomorrow I have to get back to work. I owe a script and it's like the one thing I can do from home. You really can't. Alright, here's my question. Yeah. Are you, is your, would you say

your iPhone screen time has like gone up 4x this week, or are you actually finding yourself... 18%. Just got the numbers. 18%. We're hours, hours and hours a day I'm on this. It's hard to put it down. And Twitter too. It's funny. It's not even posting. It's just seeing

what's going on. There's so much news all the time. All the time. People are texting us different things also. People have, like I sent you some texts that I had received. I was an LA type text. People are sending different things, and you're like, oh, I hope everything is okay.

It's just a very – things are – we're figuring it all out a little bit, which is a little nerve-wracking. It's rare that we have a global thing. Literally every country is in on this thing together. It's not like a tragedy that happens to like a specific people or area of the world like china and italy and america are all going through the same shit but it's also you that means for us for america we could look at different countries because it may have hit them a little bit earlier than us and see exactly what's happening to get some idea of what might happen here yeah we're fortunate in that we're like 11 days behind some European

countries that are suffering a lot. There's like over 1,800 deaths in Italy right now. That's insane. That's crazy. It's very scary. I think, you know, podcasts like this that, you know, it's a dramatic podcast. Well, when we talked to Marty, it was pretty dramatic. Oh, I thought of this great joke. You guys ready? Yeah. Okay.

Knock, knock. Armageddon. Armageddon who? Armageddon tired of people going to large social gatherings. That's good. That's because we're indoors that you can't stop this brain.

You know what I mean? Can I tweet that? Can I tweet that? I've already tweeted it. I'm like 10 minutes away from starting a TikTok. You know what? I downloaded TikTok.

I downloaded TikTok on Friday. Can you send me what you're going to post? I can't. I don't know what the hell. I have no idea how to post on it, but I went through the feed. It's a solid app.

I don't hate it. Do you remember when you were like the height of what's happening in like digital content, and now you said, hey, I downloaded TikTok? No, but I'll never forget when you said that because it really cut me to the core. Yeah, I feel like. I'm here to bring all you guys down a little bit. By the way, Amir, I know you told me if the end of days ever happened, there's some stuff you wanted to tell Jake. Do you think now is the time just in case things get worse and you won't be able to tell him? I think I'll wait until the mortality rate hits 5% or until the one millionth person infected in, um, in America.

Okay. Well, I, I do, I'm, I gotta run cause I gotta eat dinner, but I'm going to say just in case the world all goes to shit. Um, Ben, you mean a lot to me. Uh, I love, I love you like a brother. Yeah. Uh, it's been a long, we've had a long, long history, but, you know, I wouldn't, I don't think, I don't know anybody that shaped me more than you have, and I really appreciate it. You don't know anybody? Jake, I can't tell you, I honestly can't tell you how much that means to me, and if I could say something, I'll say something about this first one will be to Jake. Jake, sincerely, like, this is scary. First one will be to Jake. Jake,

sincerely, like this, this is scary for me. This is scary. You don't exactly know what's going on and you have to be safe. Even if you don't have any symptoms, you should stay inside. And one,

one of the things that I remember because you kind of reflect on your life and moments and people, um, is you, man, because throughout my entire life, you kind of been there. We've been friends. And Tom.

And it's crazy because it's not even the idea that we get to make people laugh together but I feel like you and I have really grown close enough together that we like, we're in each other's lives. We're intertwined in each other's lives. I truly love you. I'm rooting you on. I know when we moved to New York I was the first person to send you a letter there because

I wanted to make sure I was a part of your life over there as well. It's fine. It's fine. I appreciate it. I love you. But I love you. I truly love you

and it makes me scared. It really, these times make you really realize and think about the people and things that mean a lot to you and it has made me realize how much you mean to me

and in my life. I love you too, man. Love you, too, man. I fucking love you, man. Dude, I love you. And I'm psyched. I'm psyched to even have the opportunity to. This podcast actually made me realize it, because talking to you now made me realize what you meant,

hearing your voice. I was going to say this feels like a lemon party. Sorry. I don't know what that means. What does that mean? What does that mean? What is a lemon party? No, I was going to say it feels like three guys

in a room blowing each other or something. Alright, I'll see you guys later. Alright, Jakey. Lovely to talk to you. I love you, buddy. Bye, guys. Bye. That was a HeadGum Podcast.