Segments - 428: Masks and Bananas (w/Jeff and Pat!)

Episode Date: March 30, 2020

In this episode we discuss our self-isolation woes, then call some old friends, Jeff Rubin and Pat Cassels, to see how they're doing. We may even get to a question at the end...For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 0-9-1-3-6-6-2. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Where are you?

Cause I need advice From If I Were You Show at gmail.com I'm in a sticky situation This cheese needs seizing A relationship is perfect every time Except that time is not John Wolf is always meddling Ruining things

But it's not against the law James is really good at texting And up here Is a chipmunk Will you listen and get bad advice Get bad advice Just email it By where you shout

At gmail.com. Just email it by where you show at gmail.com. Just email it by where you show at gmail.com Yo. Thoughts? I thought that was such a good Tom DeLonge impression that at first I was like, is this a parody or is this Tom DeLonge? Wow.

Yeah. High praise. Because Tom DeLonge has probably the best voice in the modern era. I think it's iconic, it's demonic, and it's melodic. Do you do a good DeLonge? Where are you? That's pretty good. I think I could. Yeah.

I think I could. Yeah, I think I got a good DeLonge. So obviously that's a cover of I Miss You by Blink-182. This guy writes in, Alex, I'm probably a bigger fan of them than Jake. I've never recorded myself singing before, but after I play a few instruments, so I was like, what the heck not? Go ahead and make fun of me. I have nothing to promote, but maybe you can give a shout out to my girlfriend's puppy, Lena. You guys have been keeping me entertained for 10 years. So there you have it. All right. Shout out to Lena. How are you? Where are you? This is,

you know, episode three of our little quarantine pod. So I thought I would check in. How are you? Where are you? This is, you know, episode three of our little quarantine pod. So I thought I would check in. When are we? Last time we recorded, had I gone upstate? No, you were saying you were heading upstate, but you hadn't hit upstate yet. Yes, I am now upstate. I am in Woodstock, New York. This is Sunday, March 29 29. Time has no meaning. I will tell

you that being upstate drastically improved my spirits. Okay, so you were suffering a little like quarantine mania madness. You were stuck in a box, afraid to go outside, and you said, I'm a big bird. I need to spread my wings. And you finally went to Woodstock. You got an Airbnb. Yeah. It felt like when I was at home, it felt like I had manic depression or something.

I had a lot of energy, but I was sad. I had no drive to do anything to improve my mood. But then also, I had a lot of energy that I wasn't using. It was real, it was a weird, weird time. It was depression. Like, I look at what depression is, and it's basically everything that we've been feeling to some extent for the last two weeks. Yeah, I think I heard somewhere that there was, like, some article. I heard somewhere there was an article about just

that we are all like collectively uh going through grief and that makes a ton of sense yeah everything has changed but it's weird it's weird that it's everybody at the same time yeah and that's i guess like the the interesting i don't know that's that's like one sort of nice aspect of it yeah we're all grieving together. And like, what are all the stages? I definitely had, it feels like I had them all. Like denial, certainly, where I was just like, no, no, we're going to keep on living our lives like normal. I can still go to, I can go to a restaurant, right? I can always get a sandwich.

Like the bargaining, like I just, I kept on imagining like, just like how I wish we could go back in time and just fix stuff. Anger, I was so mad at, like when they were passing that stimulus bill and they were like putting protections in there for corporations with like no oversight or something. I was just like, I was very, very angry. Do you hate watch these press conferences?

Not all of them anymore. Really being in New York felt like I was in the center of the storm. And being up here, I still feel sad about the state of the world, but I feel a little bit less like it's happening to me. And I'm surrounded by some like the, I don't know, I'm surrounded by very acute suffering. And up here, it's just way more remote. There's not people everywhere. It's been oddly calming and nice. Yeah, New York kind of is the epicenter as of now of like COVID-19. So, you were like just in a bubble, a pressure cooker of anxiety in your little

apartment. You're like, if I leave, then I'm like instantly swept up in it. Right. Yeah. So I guess it's weird because it's weird to be like, I think I was like a victim of it because I definitely didn't have it nearly as bad as lots of other people. People like lost their jobs, people got sick, people lost loved ones, but still being in the center of all of the, I don't know, it just felt very freaky to be there. And it was not fun. No, I was going to say you actually felt unhealthy. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I also, there's a world where I think maybe Jill and I had it. Did you read that stuff about people that had it lost their sense of smell and taste? So I can't smell. Hmm. Is that good? Is it fine to be clogged? I think that's also a symptom of a head cold, which is still what I think I had.

Yeah. There's lots of overlapping symptoms where it's like fatigue. It's like, yeah, everyone is tired right now because we're all stressed and enclosed and not burning any energy and not being outside. So it's hard to say what's fatigue from coronavirus and what's fatigue from like coronavirus induced depression and anxiety.

Yeah, we all feel sick and some of us have the coronavirus, but we still can't test for it that easily. Yeah, it seems like one of the biggest indicators is the fevers, the chills, the body aches, like that level of fluish symptoms. Yeah, that easily. Yeah, it seems like one of the biggest indicators is the fevers, the chills, the body aches, like that level of fluish symptoms. Yeah, that is. Did you avoid that or did you have that?

We had no fevers and no chills. I definitely felt achy though. I mean, we're soon finding testing is getting better and better. I'm already reading stuff about labs creating tests that can give you fairly accurate results in 15 minutes that's going to be like a game changer

yeah i still i still want that test that will tell me if i had it because that would just be a real game changer for me that's my selfish test that i want yeah my most recent like thing is that's what i want is watching videos of doctors explaining to me how to put away groceries on a put away takeout. It's like, forget everything you knew about everything. Now you have to learn new rules to this game of life. And did I mention you have to soak your oranges and bananas now? That's crazy. So wait, what do you do to wash your oranges and bananas? I haven't, but what I should be doing is dunking them in lukewarm, mildly soapy water to disinfect them as much as possible of course for everything that you read and everything that you see there's a follow-up video two days later by somebody else actually I'm a specific food microbiologist and you're not supposed to use soap actually I'm an orange microist and you should be using soap so it's like how

these rules change every fucking 25 minutes and i can't keep up the food microphysicist person that studied the effect of soap on an orange really like why on earth do they get a time to shine how how how far have we fallen as a society that the guy that studied the soaps on oranges is like, all right, I guess I'm important. I put up a Twitter poll. I'm like, are you guys washing the outside of your bananas before you peel them? Almost like nobody's really doing this right. And it's like 25% of people. I mean, we wash and we try to sterilize our groceries.

Are you not doing anything um i'm not sucking on the box that things come in so like i'll i'll get wheat thins from amazon and then i'm not instantly chewing on the outside like i used to right that's good okay as long as you're not licking the box um but you might want to just like try a disinfectant wipe on the stuff too. You have a disinfectant wipe? It's liquid gold, brother. I'll meet you in Kansas City, brother. Come alone. Oh shit, they're tracing Zencaster. How has your life been?

Life is, you know, we're starting, we're getting used to this new routine, which is slightly better than living in constant fear and dread and the unknown. So I guess we're more comfortable in this new regime of not leaving the house very much, ordering groceries online. We're preparing a lot of food, more so than we used to. So that's been nice. It's given us time to organize kitchens and living rooms and offices. So that's been good too there's there's some positive have you done any have you done some like home projects uh we've like

basically marie condoed the kitchen which was a a big project that's cool yeah a lot of like that's very a lot of dusty soy sauce bottles from 2017 in the back of a pantry that has now been discarded that was a good year. That was really cool. You could go to a concert. Damn. Yeah, remember eating food family style at restaurants? Remember restaurants? So cool.

Just like going into a cafe. Yeah. Damn. What do you miss the most from Old World, brother? I really, I do miss, I miss like seeing people and not feeling like people that i saw it really feels like a zombie movie sometimes where you're like yeah you see people and you can't just be like oh good like it feels a little bit more like there's more of a community online than in the wild because when you see someone in the wild you're like they might be sick they think i'm sick

we can't we're enemies yeah like a lot a lot of like my real human interaction has been like skittish fearful uh full of mistrust and and online it's way more like lots of beautiful things are happening and i think that's really nice yeah have you coughed in a grocery store oh god no i would be so fucking nervous to do that have you gone to masks and gloves yet yeah the grocery store upstate won't let you in without mask and gloves that's cool so you guys how did you guys get masks and gloves well they have gloves outside and my sister also had gloves and uh jill has has like i mean they're not like the the medical masks they're just like basically scarves and stuff but that's acceptable for the

grocery store yeah i wonder if this thing will end in a specific like time like all right it's whatever fucking september 19th and now you can go outside again is it like everyone's gonna like rush out into the street like a prison's been open for everyone or is it like a slow weird reintroduction where restaurants are still closed because not a lot of them could afford taking five months off that's what my brother's been fantasizing about is like you know that like world war ii poster with it's got the sailor kissing the nurse or whatever yeah like peace is declared everybody pours into the streets we're all happy like i think he's thinking or imagining the world just being like cured and open for business again um i love that idea i wish that would happen but i

feel like it's going to be a really slow yeah slow painful rollout where like we're we're allowed to open offices again but people are still really freaked out by them so you can go to work but you have to like have all of these crazy strict uh sanitation measures and sterilization procedures or whatever yeah like so it's like they open the world but with a ton of fucking rules and it's gonna feel stressful and sad yeah there's no victory day with this disease it's not like we ever beat the flu either like there's no end to cyclical seasonal diseases which this might be that would be truly insane if just every every february and march we all self-quarantine.

Yeah, I don't understand. God damn, what a sad fucking world that would be. Well, that's what they're saying. They're like, we might have to go through phases of self-quarantine until we get to a vaccine. And then, okay, once we have a vaccine, then what happens? Do we all just carte blanche open the floodgates again?

Or like, we're not going to go all the way down to zero. There's going to be like, all right, we're down to a few hundred cases in California. All right, that's where we were March 5th, and we had to self-quarantine then. So, at what point can we walk outside and firmly handshake a stranger? Well, yeah, I don't know. It seems like this is maybe going to realign a lot of people's habits and social norms. Like I, it feels like even if they're like, hey, everything's fine. First of all, I don't think they're ever

going to be like, hey, everything's fine. They're going to be like, the risk is way lower now. So we're going to go outside. But if that's the message, then you don't like run into someone's arms. You're like, hey, we're allowed to talk to each other. This is pretty cool. Three feet. That's enough. Let's not get much closer than that. Not even a hug, but like you're out on a walk and you run into Jill's friend and her new boyfriend. You shouldn't shake his hand, I guess. Yeah. I think shaking hands might become like, oh, a thing of the past.

Yeah. Pre-corona times, we used to shake strangers' hands. Papa, that's so weird. I know, but that's just what we did. You haven't touched me ever, Papa. I don't want to hurt you. I mean, there's so many like sad images of like doctors coming home and like urging their toddlers not and she just had to like move out of her house she's like staying in in like a beach house away from her family jesus christ these are truly like which sounds awesome somebody mentioned that they were like the new soul like soldiers were what nurses and doctors are now like these are the people who are

like battling the front lines yeah literally. Literally risking their lives. I watched Outbreak last night. Yeah. Have you seen it? Yeah. I think I saw one. It might've been in the first rated R movie I saw in theaters. I was like 14. It came out in like 97, right? I think 97 or 95 or something like that. Yeah. Oh, maybe it was 97. Yeah. And then did you see Contagion as well? I've not watched that one yet. Ooh, that one is really real. Yeah. Outbreak, it was, I've never seen you see contagion as well i've not watched that one yet that one is really real yeah outbreak it was i've never seen it before i just imagined that it was like a global outbreak but it's like it all takes place in a tiny little town right so contagion is a worldwide pandemic and it's like a mortality rate of 50 it's something crazy oh damn that's yeah i should definitely watch contagion contagion is so scary it's like where we'll be it's something crazy oh damn that's yeah i should definitely watch contagion is so scary it's like where we'll be it's like where we'll be in two weeks that's how scary it is jesus christ it's

so freaky it's like legit america in april level shit like it's really fucked up all right maybe i won't watch it it like gets to the point where it'll almost be where we will be in may like it like really goes there like okay some of the shit i couldn't believe they showed on in that's enough it was so dark because it looks like the news will be in april i know yeah it almost looks like the news except for the leader is competent oh yeah god that's the other thing that none of the movies, like all those crazy movies didn't get to add. Yeah. All the movies have a leader that's like, we're doing our best, we're struggling, but under my guidance, we can get there. And then in actual reality, this guy's like, I'll say silly things on TV, but look, the ratings are up.

Look how many people watch this shit. It's fucking awesome. I'll chastise a reporter. Okay. This is so sick. So many people are tuning into my fat ass because I'll say shit like, I want to be open by Easter. The more I lie, the more people tune in.

Life's good. Approval rating is going up too. I guess I'll double down on everything. Why does he deserve that? Why do we deserve that? I guess we live in the country that created that. So we deserve it too. This is my fault is what I'm trying to say. You shouldn't have voted for the guy.

I feel. I'm really starting to feel like you shouldn't have voted for the guy. And I swear I'm almost at the point where I'm not going to do it again. Like I'm literally like at my wits end with this guy. Yeah. I'm still undecided, of course, because I want to hear what platform the damn nom brings. Like I want to see what tax cuts he suggests,

but like I'm legit thinking about no longer voting for the bitch. Yeah. It's going to be tough for you to hold your nose and vote for Joe Biden though. Yeah. I want to tow the party line as it were yeah um up and down the ticket uh do you have a return date or you're just gonna wait and see um so we have our our i guess our reservation ends in like a few days. Yeah. Our reservation ends in a few days and it feels kind of weird to have basically have been here for over a week to have gotten out of the city and to go back where it's like the most rampant.

So. Yeah. You can't go back now that's what i am sort of thinking as well um but i mean you guys aren't thinking about it are you uh jill kind of wants to promise me you won't go back she wants to go back to new york and i don't but i also don't know what else to do you can't say uh actually let me re-up this place until July 9th. Well, I think someone else already did that for this particular place, so we'd have to find another Airbnb.

I see. We originally booked this one because they had their calendar open, but it is no longer the case. Oh, yes. No. Those are going like toilet paper. And now I saw that people are starting to like kind of reject uh people's airbnb requests if they're coming from new york city understandably so of course so i feel like we're in a good position because we are not in new york city we haven't

been in new york city we can we can theoretically stay up here if we can find the right place. So that's what I'm looking to do. Have you done an Airbnb search in Lincoln, Nebraska? No. Just throwing it out there. No, I've not. Lincoln, Nebraska? Yeah. Let's take a break and then we can get some friends of ours who are still in New York.

We can get an update from them. That's what I need. All right, let's call them right after these messages. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like.

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slash... Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Thought we'd reach out to some old friends of ours

in New York City, Jeff Rubin and Patrick Castles. How the hell are you guys? Jeff, you answer first. I'm doing good. Okay, Pat. I'm doing terrible. Let's talk to Jeff. Also great. I'm healthy. I am responsibly social distancing. I'm watching a lot of TV.

So pretty much my life, pretty much my life normally, to be honest. Right. Yeah. People like Pat and I, I think are well set up to start spending a lot of time indoors. Like I'm definitely stressed and feeling more anxiety than I've ever felt in my life. But the staying indoors all the time part, I'm great. Can I ask not to hijack the podcast, but I'm doing it. What's the most, what's the most random thing you guys have watched that you probably would not watch if you weren't. I have good one self-isolating for the first time in my life i watched at the request of sean perlman robocop 1987 robocop rules so hard that's a legit good

movie right i like how jeff is like not even a i mean i agree with jeff but like not even a hint of doubt jake have you jake have you seen robocop i've seen robocop i don't know if i remember it well enough to comment on if it's good or not i remember thinking it's kind of it's inherently very very sad because the guy is dead right like he's not him anymore right that's jake that's your thing you don't like movies that make you feel sad right yeah that seems like a problem like yeah it is a little a lot of art makes you feel sad but it shouldn't because things should make you feel happy because that's the goat feeling so what's like what's a movie you do watch

um i mean a movie that i watch when i want to feel happy uh field of dreams has a nice happy ending oh edge of tomorrow great happy ending wait wait let me get let me get back to robocop yeah true yeah in terms of robocop uh we after the end of it i was like that was awesome and avital was like was that like a bad on purpose type movie where people like that was good because it was very like heavy-handed and hokey acted and like was that an on purposepurpose decision was that just how people acted in 1987 do you guys know what i mean i honestly i mean jeff i don't want to jeff i'm sure has more thoughts than i do on this but i think the answer is actually yes kind of like

paul verhoeven who directed that movie and wrote and maybe i don't know he's kind of famous for that style yeah it was almost a satire or almost a comedy really definitely yeah i think that's what makes it such a good movie is that it it serves as both like a great action a very violent action movie but also like it's got things it wants to say yeah it was so fun like when the first robot did that thing in the board meeting yeah i was cracking the fuck up it was one of the it was like a mr show sketch it was so silly no yeah totally it's definitely intentionally funny like the comedy is 100 on purpose anyway jeff have you left the house in a week yeah i've been leaving the house i've been leaving the house

just a little as i've been trying to minimize as much as i do it i guess i've been doing like yoga i actually got a rowing machine like right before all this started and that like really has paid off i've been doing a lot of rowing so i'm trying to sort of like stay in motion and exercise but i am trying to leave the house as little as possible but i get outside at least a little bit every day guys how awesome would it be if we come out of this and jeff rubin is just fucking ripped like a winklevoss twin just rowing every day he's also taller problem is that i live in Brooklyn, and it's actually kind of crowded outside. I live by Prospect Park, and it's pretty crowded at Prospect Park.

And even the streets around here, you have to pass by people on the sidewalk. And to be honest, I'm like not – the sidewalks are not six feet wide, so you're constantly less than six feet from people. And I'm not sure how to handle that, I guess. Yeah, it's kind of a difficult thing to handle. So I usually wait till it's less crowded at night. I told you Streeter said the same thing.

I think he was maybe closer to you than I do. He does. Yeah, Streeter was very close. Williamsburg is not crowded. People, I think, maybe are... People are irresponsible as hell in Williamsburg. Thank you. I barely saw a soul while I was there.

Where do you live, Jake? Excuse me? Where do you live? On the Excuse me? Where do you live? On the border of Williamsburg and Greenpoint. No, no, exact address. Yeah. Really? 580 Metropolitan Avenue.

What apartment? I don't want to say anything else. 4G, can you edit this part out of the show? What's the code to get in? Are you guys fucking... It's 9961, and that's literally. Responding for questions, which you do not have to do. Pat got evicted.

He needs a place to crash while you're upstate. Nah, not for three months, bro. That's right. Wait, Pat, do you have a mask and gloves? No. Are you going shopping in grocery stores? I have not in the last week. Like a lot of New Yorkers are like not great. No. Are you going shopping in grocery stores? I have not in the last week.

Like a lot of New Yorkers are like not great. We're not in the habit of having like a week's worth of groceries, or at least I'm not anyway. I don't want to speak for everyone. It's hard. You know, we have small apartments. I think we generally shop smaller than you might in the suburbs or even somewhere like L.A. So it's unusual to kind of have to store food like this.

Do you think there's someone in the world who's like when Feucci goes on the news and he's like, hey, just don't touch her in the world who's like, when Feucci goes on the news and he's like, hey, just don't touch her face. Some guy's like, fuck you. Definitely. Yes, for sure. That's his line in the sand. Fingers in his eyes.

I think there's lots of people who are like, shaking hands and hugging each other to signal what side they're on a little bit. I'm touching my mustache to own the lips exactly exactly but here's my question is are you wiping off like your bean cans when you get home to me that's the line like we have to go to the grocery store eventually like i can't survive without going to the grocery store i've tried to stock up i go out for vegetables and stuff but do you wipe down the bean cans when you get home are you just like the what hands bean can

we're wiping beans uh the herwood's vogel household is wiping beans we're bean wipers yeah i am starting to do it too kind of like i'm not doing such a diligent job of it that i don't know that it's actually doing anything but like i wasn't doing that for the first week or two and then like that kicked in i was like oh i found a new level of uh preparation here i feel like we're all discovering, we're like discovering these new levels that we didn't think we'd be at. Like, I remember two weeks ago, I was going to go to a friend's birthday party, and then she canceled it. She's like, we're not going to do it at a bar. We're just going to have a small group of people at my apartment. I was like, okay, that feels safe. But now looking back on that being like, that was insane. I went to an apartment

with 15 people. Let me tell you, Jake, three weeks ago, I was at Disney World. I went to Disney World. I can look up the date for you if I want. I went with Caldwell from your other podcast. We went to Disneyland kind of the Friday before what in my perception was the week where everything really started happening. And I remember it seems so irresponsible. It seems crazy to go to Disneyland. We were aware that this thing was happening, but I was like, you know,

I live in New York. I'm going to go to the office. I interact with like a Disneyland's worth of people every day. Anyway, like if this is going to happen for me, it's in your defense, Jeff, like you and Caldwell,

like your kids really wanted to go, right? Like, give them a nice day. But wait, let me finish this thought because I can't stop thinking about it. No, I loved it. I loved it. I loved it.

But so we went to Disneyland. I was like, well, I'm going to have to see everyone when I get back to New York anyway. And I'm going to be on the subway and I'm always going to be interacting with people with no idea that like just four days later that we would all collectively agree, like actually we're all going to stay in our own houses for an indefinite

amount of time. Like that Friday we were at Disneyland, like it was out there. There was definitely like increased hand-washing presence throughout the park. Like you can see it was on people's minds, but like we had no idea that just like four days later, it'd be like,

actually we'll all stay inside forever now you know um the short film version of that is jeff on splash mountain and then as it hits the bottom it smash cuts to you scrubbing a banana i'm not scrubbing my vegetables i just run the vegetables under cold water i mean i've been no bananas of fruit same same principle though yeah we were talking earlier that I've been seeing stuff online where it's like you got to dunk your, even your peels, the bananas with the peel through soap and water. Why don't you just like eat the banana? The banana's in the peel. Eat the banana and then wash your hands.

Who's saying that? I guess the virus jumps from peel to fruit. I'm kind of limited. I mean, I'm just like listening to the CDC, basically. The government? I'm doing what they're telling me to do. I'm listening to Trump. Jeff's going back to work on Easter Sunday I like how I invited Jeff and Pat on the show and within 40 seconds we were talking about RoboCop at full volume but that was you you

brought up RoboCop am I am I too loud by the way I know there was a problem earlier no you're doing great I'll adjust the levels in post. So I'm not doing good. Yeah. Don't you worry about your levels. It's Jeff that's too loud. Oh, I can turn mine down. I didn't tell people that I went to Disneyland until two weeks later because I didn't, I was going to be so embarrassed if like I got sick at Disneyland.

Like at least if I get sick now, it didn't happen because I went to Disneyland. That's true. Jeff, but it makes sense that you went because you have a because you have a, or didn't your kid fucking tell, I don't know, Pat, what was it exactly? Because I'm going to cut yours out and use mine. Oh, come on. You're trying to. Tell me the exact phrase, and I'm going to cut his out,

just so I have it. You're trying to recycle Pat's joke. I'm not going to help you plagiarize me. It was a good thing you have a son. What was it? It was so funny when you, I'll cut it out, but what was it? Wait, I don't even know how to begin with this. Good thing you have a son. What was it? It was so funny. I'll cut it out, but what was it? Wait. I don't even know how to begin with this.

I love that you appreciate it but can't remember it. Jeff, basically as a kid, and then I'll take the laughter from when Pat's here. I had another joke, too, and I'm not even telling now. Jake, what were you saying earlier? You got cut off for a second oh just that there's like a there's like sort of a social uh pressure around like how you're quarantining and how safe you're being and all that stuff too like the stigma adds adds a layer of anxiety even over the virus which i'm not really i think that's i think people who are shaming people for like going outside which you're allowed to do currently

yeah there's a lot of circular fire. I just think this is not the time to be. Yeah. Everyone should be responsible and you should minimize contact, but. Is New York changing even like week to week? It's so weird. It is like walking around in a movie.

It does remind me of like the beginning of many movies, like A Quiet Place would be the most recent one where like all the stores are cloned and they all have like signs on them, of like you know like clothes for virus or whatever like i don't know i'm kind of reading all the signs on the stores because it's kind of interesting to see the way that they all talk about it and like there is it's like this the grocery stores open and the shelves are stocked so it's not like quite apocalyptic but it's very eerie i would say i don't know it's it's weird i'd say it's weird

walking around but by the way really quick i just want to get this out of the way i'm so sorry jeff no no you go i feel like i didn't realize that no one's going to see um the website we're using to do this and i just want people to know what my name is on this oh yeah thing robert downey jr yeah you put robert downey jr yeah jake head gum jeff and robert downey jr which is kind of funny because like imagine if he was on this podcast that'd be kind of funny amir you should take a a photo and then just like write uh dropping oh that's cool right people might believe that he's got nothing better to do jeff what were you saying yeah are you guys wearing masks because mass is an interesting one to me i mean um i think if you find like i actually found some

n95 masks that i had when i from when i lived in la like i just bought a bunch of earthquake stuff and i had some and i donated them to the hospital so please do that if you find some n95 masks but sort of like t-shirt masks or something like that i'm kind of starting to come around on the idea of it um not to protect myself necessarily but just because I think if everyone does it, then it'll offer a greater level of protection for everyone. You know, it protects other people. So I kind of want it to be like socially normal for people to do it.

And I think part of doing that is wearing a mask myself. Now, I don't have a mask yet, but this is something I've been thinking about. And I'm wondering if you guys are wearing masks. I'm wearing the mask from the mask. Somebody stop him. Nice. Jeff. Sorry'm wearing the mask from the mask. Somebody stop him. Nice. Jeff.

Sorry, sorry. In the, nice. So in the, where I'm staying, upstate, they won't let you into the grocery store without a mask. Really? Or like a scarf or a handkerchief over your mouth. Where are you? I'm in Woodstock.

And what's the address there? Really? Do I really? 6870 Glasgow Turnpike. your mouth where are you i'm in woodstock and what's the address there do i really six 68 70 glasgow turnpike but i don't i don't even know like what how do you get masks like what where's the mask store i have no idea yeah it's like make one with sewing i'm like you gotta be kidding me i got like all day in the apartment then i can't figure out i didn't buy i didn't stockpile masks before this happened and now i assume pat you can use a you can use a diaper yeah why would i have diapers pat take a picture of you wearing a diaper on your head like a helmet okay oh my god dude he's gonna do it

wow wait i heard that what do you guys think will be... Obviously, there's so much going on. We've changed our lifestyle so dramatically, so quickly. And I guess this will end. Things will return to normal one day. And I guess what do you think sort of the lasting impact of it will be? And obviously, there's a lot of businesses that will go out of business. There's a lot of really sad things. But I'm just wondering culturally, if you ever go and visit Asia, there's a a lot of people wearing masks and it's because they've gone through things like this.

And I'm wondering like if we'll just mass will become commonplace and like what kind of cultural changes you foresee kind of like sticking around? Like, do you think Zoom parties will ever be a thing again? Like after this is over? I hope not. Yeah, I think Zoom parties are kind of fun, though. Yeah, Zoom parties are fun. I'm playing a lot more video games with friends. I don't know if that'll stick around.

But I think one of the lasting things will be like touching strangers, shaking someone's hand when you walk into like a store. Right, yeah. Throw hugging people that you don't necessarily know. Maybe that'll be more of a stigmatized going forward. Yeah, that's what i think too the reason i love zoom parties is because i feel like for years people have been like oh we want to come to your thing but we can't because our we have to watch our dog tonight or our kid is sick or like we don't want to drive in the fog or whatever and now it's like nope all those excuses are bullshit now between dog and fog, all your excuses rhyme. I mean, I can't tell your line.

That's your takeaway? I'm sorry. I'm stuck in a bog. All right. Do you guys want to try to tackle one question? This isn't a device show after all. Jeff, we need a 21-year-old girl's name from Melbourne, Australia. We've got to give her a fake name. Manny. I've been waiting for this. I've been dreaming for years of what my theme names would be on If I Were You. What the theme I would pick would be. I'm going to guess this is Degrassi, Jeff. Is it Degrassi? It is a Degrassi theme. That's correct. Alright, Jake, why don't you just give her a name? Jeff's obviously

not taking this seriously. I said Manny! I'm just joking. Manny! Manny writes, so, my boyfriend has been looking at moving out of his parents' place for a while. He's 22 and shares a bedroom with his 19-year year old brother. He found a place with three other girls aged 25, who he says he really vibes with. Now I'm not the jealous type and I am fine with the idea of him living with other women. But my issue is this. In Australia, we are moving into complete

lockdown slash isolation because of the coronavirus. My boyfriend is the only person I have been seeing outside of my household, and the same goes for him with me. But he told me already that if he moves in with these girls, I am not allowed to visit, as the girls don't want anyone in their house. And he would not be allowed to leave and come back with a potential infection. I trust my boyfriend, but I don't know how long this isolation is going to last, and I think any man locked away with three women he vibes with would be tempting. So my question is this, should I bring it up? Should I tell him I'm not comfortable with him living with these girls considering the current apocalypse? Or should I just make up an excuse about the economy being

shit right now so it's a bad time to move? I don't know. Any other ideas would be welcome. Sincerely, thanks, Manny. Manny? Manny? Manny. That is a tough one. I mean... I love that third option. That's so inventive. Yeah, they're all about her putting her foot down and not letting this guy. She just wants to know which route she should take.

What was the third? Repeat the third option? Yeah, give me my options again. The options are, should I bring it up? Should I tell him I'm not comfortable with him living with these girls considering the current apocalypse? Or should I make up an excuse

about the economy being shit right now so it's a bad time for him to move? So there are really only two options. I don't see those as mutually exclusive.

Yeah, the first two are literally the same. The third one could be done in conjunction with the first two. It is difficult. Like, I really, I mean, doing anything right now is

so difficult just like moving under normal circumstances is difficult and it's like i it seems like not a terrific it's funny that he made it to 22 and he was like now's the time to move out of my parents house this is i picked my moment i just have to lice all the carpet it's a bad time to move i guess yeah i guess you gotta talk. I mean, look, that guy should move out of his parents' house. And it sounds like he found... I guess I'm curious, like, do you believe her? And I don't... Not that I think she's lying to us, but I just

don't know if she knows herself. Like, do you think under normal circumstances, do you think she'd have an issue with this? Or do you think it's really like the corona thing is really the thing that puts a twist on it that makes it, like, hard for her to accept? I think that she's... She would have a problem with it always but the fact that it's like now that to the 10th degree where it's like not only am i moving in but i can't see you and you can't see me so it's going to be me and these three lady roommates for the foreseeable future

it's basically her worst nightmare it feels like one of the circumstances is that this guy is clearly like trying to keep her away right like if if he was behaving more normal like i'm gonna move in but uh you can you can visit that's you know that that have to be a condition for bringing on new roommates but can she is that responsible can she visit i think that like if you're moving into a new place, you're just as at risk of being quarantined or as at risk of carrying the virus as she is. So you guys should both be able to go there at the same time. That's true, yeah.

It's kind of clear to me that this guy is doing all of this on purpose. He wants to be quarantined with his three hot new roommates. And they're definitely hot. Yeah, she is Australian. What if she says, I'll move in with you? So it's like, yeah, maybe we'll both live together. So it's me, you and the three chicks. I forgot they were Australian. That's great. It'll be sweet days. Yeah, I guess I think if these three people are willing to accept one more person, it's not unreasonable for him to say to them, also, my girlfriend's not unreasonable for him to say to them, also, my girlfriend's going to come over sometimes.

We've already been in touch with each other for the past two weeks, so if she's sick, I'm already sick. And she's not seeing anyone but her family, so it's not really expanding your circle any wider than just the guy himself coming in. And I guess he should explain that to them. I want to know why we're trusting Australians who got Tom Hanks sick.

It was actually the other way around. He's the one who exposed that entire continent to the virus he's like yeah he's like the frog and the simpsons but yeah he's patient zero what do you guys think robocop would do what would robocop do he'd kill he'd be responsible he'd be great he'd be actually great i mean he's very like he's a he's a peacekeeping yeah and i want you to tell obby tall that peter well's performance as RoboCop is legitimately great acting. What was the question again? How do we solve this coronavirus crisis? Do you think anybody's moving? Do you think anybody's moving in New York City? The people. So I live in a building and there's one apartment above me and there there's people above me that are subletting from the person who usually lives

there. And they were subletting because they were going to move somewhere on April 1st. And they, I, I don't know these people well, and I don't talk to them daily, but they, I was just like, Oh, good luck. Like, cause like, I don't know if movers are working. Like I don't know how that works. And like, I just, I don't know what those people are going to do. And I feel for them. It's like everything just doing everything is more stressful right now.

You know, like the second and third order effects of this thing are just so hard to keep track of. Let's get quick answers. What would you do? Starting with Jake. Jake, what would you do if your girlfriend was moving into a house with three hot Australians for the foreseeable future and said we can't hang out with each other? And does she vibe with these guys? Does she vibe with these guys? She vibes. Quick vibe check. she vibe with these guys does she vibe with these guys she vibes quick vibe check she vibes with these guys uh she really vibes they all did wow wow wow wow did you uh yeah if they i i i guess i would be like yes go for it and you're and

congratulations you're also single so you can see this through if you want to because I think that it would be very... So you just break up with her right there. Yeah, I think it's pretty clear to me that the guy is... Yeah, I think Jake's onto something. I'm giving the guy the benefit of the doubt here, but there is a tone of this is like

some passive-aggressive this year. This is a true dream scenario for this guy. I mean, I'm giving away a thing here, but this is basically like a great, like Nancy Meyers movie, basically. Yeah, and I think

that's how the guy's looking at it. I don't think anyone could look at it any other way. You guys realize like 900, 900 coronavirus scripts are being written right now. That's what I want to say about the Zoom parties earlier.

When I'm in a Zoom party, I feel like I'm in the opening scene of a movie that takes place like during this time period. And like they want to establish the time period. So like we're all in birthday hats on a zoom birthday party like it just feels like

this weird period detail that like will always be like remember we did zoom parties like it's just so specific to this like current moment i'm ruining also i'm ruining i'm sorry i'm ruining your quick answer oh yeah yeah yeah yeah jeff what was your quick answer i think you know i i think try to reason with the women to let the girlfriend come over. And if they don't want to do that, then they're not going to be great roommates anyway. And if the guy doesn't want to do that, they should break up anyway. Dude, listen to yourself. Try to reason with a woman.

Good luck. Oh, come on. End the show now. Before you get yourself in trouble, dude. Oh, come on. You can't get cancelled. Everyone's fucking running around like their dick just fell off. It's true.

Now's the time to do something racist. You can steal City Hall. No, get me off of the spot. What are you talking about? Alright, Pat. I'm hanging up. Pat, a final word. Do you want to say something racist? No, but I'll say something offensive. I'd say tell him to move out immediately.

All right, great. So I can move in. Because my 901st script is actually a Porky-style, wacky adventure in which I have to move in with 25 quarantined Australian ladies. Yeah, like Three's Company, but more than three people? I don't know. But hotter.

I don't know. All right. I also do want to go to Australia. Not right now. At some point in my life. So that's unrelated. Guys, I feel bad about my racist thing. Don't be racist.

I've heard of people being racist. Here's why I feel bad is I've heard from Asian friends that they are facing racism here in fucking New York. I don't want to sound like dumb, but I thought we were better than that in New York. And it's like, it's very upsetting to me. So I feel bad about that.

No one be racist. I'm afraid of yours. Going to not include that. Also make my joke, his joke. Oh, wait, wait,

actually that's perfect. Can you guys be quiet for a second? Actually, Jeff, I don't think we should be racist. Cause I've been hearing things about, what was it in New York where people are, what was the term? Nice. listen i listen everyone everyone in the world

thinks i'm robert downey jr so i'm i'm i'm clear here i'm not even on this podcast i'm just the star of um you know that movie you can't name one of your own all right everyone uh will attend this show or this episode by saying one thing people can watch or do that would help pass the time. Because I think that's the most important thing right now. What are you guys doing to pass the time? What do you guys recommend people do? Jake, start with you. I hate to admit it, but I started watching Love is Blind because I was doing a puzzle and reading a book upstate, sitting by the fire.

God, your life sounds horrible doing wholesome things it's it was really nice but jill was watching love is blind and i and she kept on laughing and i kept on like just walking over and glancing at the tv and i'm like who's this like what's this that guy and then and now like one hour later i was gripped and it's it's utterly insane it's an insane show you threw the book into the fire what's what what's the premise of that show again i forget it's like 30 men and women go into pods where they can't see each other and they go on dates basically where they're just they're just talking to one another they cannot see each other uh and then of those all of those people they sort of like choose who they vibe with

the most uh they fall in love with a stranger through a wall and then propose get engaged and then see each other for the first time but it's like it's like an emotional glory hole kind of yeah it's exactly what it is and it's kind of crazy just to like watch people date and like fall for one another and like some people like really like fell in love they're like crying they're freaking out and then others are just like this people they're so stupid it seems like they're just not all there and that they shouldn't be allowed to be on tv but i don't know it's all is this the first reality show that you've been you're not even willing to admit you're watching it now you're like i was reading a book and jill wouldn't shut up about this show that was on i was reading i was doing a puzzle and reading a book

at the same time no i was doing cool i was doing cool wholesome shit and now i'm watching this is the only reality tv show i watch except actually i watch grand designs which is like uh it's like a house uh a house building house renovation no house construction are you guys watching this what's this tiger show that everyone's talking about it's a documentary on netflix all right a house building, house renovation. No, house construction. Are you guys watching this? What's this tiger show that everyone's talking about? It's a documentary on Netflix. All right, Jeff, what's your suggestion? Better Call Saul is like the only thing I'm like,

it's the only thing keeping me sane right now. Like everything is chaos. I'm losing track of what day it is. But Monday nights, it's Better Call Saul. And it's like for an hour, everything is uncomplicated and good. And so- It's so good. It's so good.

I'm really like really looking forward to those new episodes Monday. And I think a lot of the old, all the old ones are probably on Netflix or whatever. So if you haven't catch it, watch it yet. Even if you haven't seen Breaking Bad, I would say it's actually crossed the line recently. We're like, I think a lot of people like, I don't want to watch Breaking Bad because it's like crime and drugs is just inherently uninteresting to me. I would give Better Call Saul a chance because it's like kind of bringing that same craftsmanship to a less violent but still just as good story. It's really great. That's cool.

Pat, what's your suggestion? All right, we're out of time. No, you know, I mean, it's not a suggestion. It's the last thing I did TV-wise is I watched all three Ocean's Eleven's movies so Ocean's Eleven's, Ocean's Twelve and Ocean's Thirteen and really just I love those movies so much I got a Nintendo Switch

keep talking about it I've been getting into Mario Kart if anybody wants to play me on Mario Kart on this live stream I think just Jeff that has it but I'm down to play Mario Kart that's a great way to pass the time. Yeah, Mario Kart rules. Alright, guys, thanks for joining us. Thanks for talking to us. No problem. I'm so glad you're into video games.

The silver lining. Yeah. Finally, some good news. Thanks for having us. Thanks for having us. That was so fun. Of course, and if you have your own questions or theme songs, you can always email it to ifireashow at gmail.com. Our email box is still open, of course. The opening theme song was that Blink-182

cover of I Miss You, which was written by Alex. This closing one is an acapella. Let me look up who wrote it. And Avengers Endgame is on iTunes. So, if you're a fan of me, Robert Downey Jr.,

the most successful actor in the world. You're not plugging Doolittle? Do you know if no, if no movies, if there's no more movies for the rest of the year, Doolittle is going to be like the number eight grossing movie of the year. Wow. Good on them.

I think you're right. I think like, I think people like need to watch something and why not Doolittle? Yeah. All right. It's kind of, whatever. Enough. That's absolutely enough. This closing theme song was written by Jordan Holmes.

Pat, I'll leave you in the room so you can continue talking after we're done recording. And we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. If I were you.