Segments - 429: Quar-and-A Lightning Round

Episode Date: April 6, 2020

In this episode we discuss our favorite self-isolation outfits, hobbies, and TV shows. Thanks for your quarantine questions!For more IF I WERE YOU check out our bonus Thursday videos on our Patreon.com/JA.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't.

This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. On their well thought out advice I miss the college humor of Jake and Amir Hurwitz played the straight man and Amir was kind of weird I've given a lot of thought on the headcan videos Riley wants to be bad and Jeff is dumb it shows I faintly remember seeing Tommy Dukes and Ben

Why these two boys have funnier friends than them Do you care if I write this intro song? Play it at the start, it won't be too long Will their answers fill me just with disdain? Or is the podcast here just to entertain? Will their answers fill me just with disdain? Or is the podcast here just to entertain a jorts? Awesome. Yeah.

You better believe that was a Boxcar Racer cover, right? Oh, yeah. There is. Yeah. So what is Boxcar Racer? Boxcar Racer was Tom DeLonge's side project. When Blink-182 was struggling, he sort of started another band, and he was in Boxcar Racer.

That was before Angleton Airwaves. It was before Blink broke up, before they got back together, and before they kicked Tom out or slashed Tom left, and he was replaced by Matt Skiba of the Alkaline Trio. Yeah, so that was by Paul Lumpkin, who says, this is indeed a Boxcar Racer parody of There Is. Yeah, Boxcar fucking owned. Boxcar was like for when I needed to get a little more emo than Blink would allow because Blink was like pop punk, goofy, silly. And then Boxcar Racer was like, actually, you're in a mood right now.

That's what Boxcar Racer was for. Boxcar Racer was sort of dashboard confessional adjacent. Wait, Boxcar predated Blink-182? No. Wait, Boxcar predated Blink-182? No, Boxcar, Tom DeLonge just sort of made a sideband at some stage, like late in Blink's career. Got it. So he's just like, Blink's not giving me what I need right now. It's the equivalent of me starting a D&D podcast actually. So it's like you and I are still doing shit, but it's like doesn't give me creative joy. It's not fun to do for me anymore.

It feels like an obligation, et cetera, et cetera. So I start this other side project. It's beyond not giving you joy. Like what's et cetera, et cetera there? I guess not giving you joy, like, what's not, what's et cetera, et cetera there? It's not, like, I guess not giving me joy, but also the et cetera, et cetera, is that I feel like it's not doing anything for you, and it's making you a worse guy, kind of. No, I don't think so. Just, like, small things like that.

Don't put that on me. Like, don't consider my emotions, because you're clearly not. So, when you're saying, like, it's making me a worse guy, like,'t put that on me like don't consider my emotions because you're clearly not so when you're saying like it's making me a worse guy like forget about that side it's also not quite that because like i feel like boxcar never really got as big as blink so it'd be it'd be closer to like tom delong starting a side band and it was the beat Beatles or something. Sorry, you think AdPod is like the Beatles? At least in terms of like our podcast, you know, at scale or whatever. Yeah, like.

Yeah. Oh, like in relation to this podcast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. I see your eyes are glazing over. You've never been happier than when you're talking about this. You're joy right now. That's right.

That's right. Actually, I'm willing to come back to blink because this is, as long as I can come back and just make fun of your ass, it'll be worth it. You don't want to lose that aspect. That's the one thing that you still like about this show. That's right. I can't really make fun of Murph because he'd kick my ass in a way.

It's funny to make fun of you, okay? Yeah, because we're not going to physically go to blows about it. Especially not over Zoom. Yeah, we're recording again remotely, of course, the new normal. I'm in Los Angeles. Where are you upstate new york baby upstate upstate as opposed to downstate yeah you don't want to be down so you're staying up for the time being seeing what nets out in new york city before returning yeah we extended our stay upstate i think it's i'd rather be up here than down there makes Makes sense. But for now, we have lightning round style questions to answer. I asked on Twitter. I asked on Reddit. We have dozens of questions. We're going to try our best to go through them because we got to make up for lost time. We haven't answered a

question in a month, I think. Wow. All right. Yeah. So I guess it's about time. So we'll rapid fire some of these bad boys. That's right. And it is about time because, you know, we're settling into the routine. There's not a lot going on in our lives. There's a lot going on and yet there's nothing going on. So it's good that we have a lot of questions to draw from. Yeah. Do you have a good one to start? I have one that was upvoted to the top of Reddit.

Whoa. So, well, I mean, to the top of our subreddit, not to the... To Karma Heaven? Yeah. So, well, I mean, to the top of our subreddit, not to the... To Karma Heaven? Yeah, it was upvoted, uptoked, as it were, to Karma Heaven. Oh my god. And it's actually a legal question, so I hope you can speak legalese. Okay, an illegal or a-legal? It's a legal question.

Okay, that's good. Yeah, it has to do with rights, ownership, IP. The question comes from... Okay, hold on. Let me pour over our employment contract from 2005. All right, I'm ready. Baiko asks, with the release of a new Jake and Amir episode,

does that mean you guys have the rights back and will continue to make more? And then a fingers crossed emoji. At this point, my client has no comment on that topic. Wow. We can't get into the legal back and forth right now online, but we look forward to having an answer for you guys as soon as possible.

That was a really nice maneuver. I thought that was- Whoa, I just got an email. I got an email from college humor it was a fucking c and d yeah cease and desist i shouldn't have said that i can't even say no comment a cease and desist well i'm actually a beast so i'll resist you get thrown to jail for making a rhyme no sam who Sam, who runs College Humor, was, you know, he's nice enough to,

when we ask him, oh, can we do a one-off about self-isolation or quarantine? He's not going to say no to that. He understands that it would be fun to make. And as long as we have like, you know, individual episode ideas here and there, maybe we can make them. We haven't really discussed coming back

like on a weekly basis, but maybe there is something there to do. Yeah. At the very least, we can answer the question and say that we don't have the rights back. We can't legally do this willy-nilly, but we do have a friendship with the guy who owns the rights now versus before when it was a giant corporation that would destroy us in court. With a team of lawyers.

So it feels like one-offs are a possibility. And if people have quarantine ideas, they should actually, I feel like they should tweet it at us because it was a tweet that we originally saw, because a lot of people were tweeting at us that it was like we should come back. And I think somebody tweeted that we should do a scroll video. And it just felt right. So, if anybody has ideas, tweet them at us. Yeah, that actually leads into a question we got on Twitter from LunchtimeYT that said, how is it like filming another J&A, the social distancing scroll? Any writing, any challenges with writing and filming with quarantine?

Oh, that's actually, it mirrors another question from Mr. Pogram Pro that was, how does it feel like? Oh, that's good. I feel like we can answer both of those. Mr. Program Pro, that makes a lot more sense. I thought he was trying to be cute with the name, it's just mr program pro you got it uh yeah so we have a new video on uh headgums youtube and our facebook the social distancing scroll video our first video in i think four years since the donald trump episode um we you know brought our characters back writing it wasn't hard because you you know, just like riding a bike,

we know what these characters are after playing them for 10 years. Having a scroll video be the one that comes back is a bit more easy because there's such a tried and true formula right there. Yeah. You kind of know exactly how it has to go. The worse that it is, the better it is for the scroll. So if you're just like quickly word association, a random rhyme that's really dumb, that's actually good for the episode. Yeah.

And the rhyme scheme is always laid out by the number itself. So it really, it's a pretty foolproof method. I kind of feel like, I think the Trump thing probably poured out of us at that point, because we'd only even been retired for like a year or two. Right. But yeah, I wonder. I feel like writing it, we wrote over FaceTime for kind of like the rough draft and then we just passed uh a script over email to fine-tune it that's right and that part wasn't hard shooting it was a little more difficult because we tried to get the audio and the video right and we ended up just using the audio from the camera yeah your video looks better than mine too mine is it my size doesn't match which was sad

for me yeah I and i also like had my computer off of my lap a little bit i feel like we'll get better at this though if we keep on yeah quarantine video it did remind me of like our first videos where i'm like okay the video and the audio are both related to the source like they're all both coming from the camera so i can't really like overcut a lot and then like as i was editing i was like oh this is just what it was like like with the powershot cameras in 2007 where i was like super rough around the edges i had to like clean the transitions from your clip to mine and hope the like room tone matched yeah it i thought it looked and sounded solid for i mean for the

circumstances yeah and like when is the last time we've shot it we've written a Jake and Amira recently but when is the last time that we shot one ourselves that's been like 10 years right yeah and our iPhones now are probably a lot better than the cameras that we bought for $600 yeah our iPhones are as good as the HD cameras that John the first iteration of those HD cameras that John and Giancarlo were using. That's right. So yeah, writing it was fun. Shooting it might have been a challenge, but acting in it was felt natural. Yeah, I felt like because of the remote recording, there's a little less improv though, too. Maybe we can introduce that. I don't know.

It's like, it's a little harder because you don't want to start talking over each other. Yeah. So a couple days later, I did a Jeffrey the the dumbass with jeff and he we did like a facetime thing but he edited it um in post to make it a lot tighter so maybe i can steal that method of post-production and bring it to the jake and amir universe that would be cool especially because we own every single thought that jeffrey james has we we locked him up with that like iac level contract from head gum yeah now we got the team of lawyers we own the dreams that he has um beowulf 0125 asks will we hear from yugo again hashtag yugo style oh yeah i did a dnd podcast The Great Awakening in old world times. And I played a character named Yugo, who, do you remember what he was?

Was he an elf? Yugo was a gnome. You were, I believe you were a middle-aged balding gnome with a belly button ring and high heels. Is that right? Okay. Yeah, that sounds about right you were sort of a um you played you role played as i guess a manager uh but of sorts yeah um like uh gate that was your story but like mechanics wise you You were a gnome rogue, and you joined the Christmas special of NADDPod.

So if folks can go back and listen to it, it was chaos. Amir kind of broke the system down all around us. I think we've talked about it, at least the D&D crew has talked about having you come back, like, kind of annually for the Christmas episodes, which I think is really fun. Oh, that's nice. I always wanted to be a Christmas tradition. Yeah, that's right. So you won't be, like, part of the canon story, but you'll be part of it. You'll be Christmas canon, which is a non-canon side uh mission type

thing that we do which is a cool nickname as well it's like the christmas guy who's really religious and has an awesome arm like philip rivers can that could be his nickname that's true all right jangus roundstone aka roundstone 7 on twitter asks what's the goat quarantine outfit? The goat quarantine outfit? Yeah. That's a good question. Are you getting dressed? Are you putting on clothes in the morning? Well, I found the happy medium of getting dressed by putting on sweatpants.

Athleisure, I think, is the goat quarantine outfit because I can wear Nike sweats out where I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable wearing them to work, but I can wear them on a dog walk, and I can also wear Nike sweats out where I wouldn't necessarily feel comfortable wearing them to work, but I can wear them like on a dog walk and I can also wear them around the house. And I feel like one step up from pajamas, but still really comfortable and cozy on the day. Yeah, I actually, I pretty much do the exact same thing, but I'll tell you a little life hack that'll make you feel kind of nice. It's like a soft flannel shirt um something about even like it's still comfortable but something about wearing something with a collar what makes you look really well put together so a flannel shirt with nike sweats that's what i've been wearing that's

your go quarantine outfit that's right yeah all. All right. Collar, shirt, sweatpants. And a hat. What are you doing for haircuts? I am not doing anything for haircuts. I'm just letting the hair grow. I have a baseball cap, though, that I'll throw on. If I've got a Zoom call and I'm looking extra greasy, I'll put on a baseball hat. You better believe that. Go Yankees. I hope the

season starts someday. It won't. Are you still showering? They'll be doing Zoom baseball. Can you imagine? I am showering. Yeah, because I'm working out every day, actually. Oh, yeah, that's cool. I want to ask you about that. About exercise or showering? Yeah, like what are you doing to work out every day? I am doing, all right, well, a couple different things that actually I think have been really helpful. One, just for me personally, I do like a yoga thing in the morning. So wake up, do, it's mostly like a stretch yoga thing. Then I have a group of friends, Jill, Jill's friend, Alexis, and Jill's friend, Jesse. They're my friends now too, but they were

originally just Jill's friends. We have a little text thread called Core 4, and we will have a Zoom workout with each other every single day. And we plan out a different, like each person takes turn planning the workout. Oh, wow. So Alexis has a, she's a member of the Peloton app. So she'll screen share with us, and we'll all do a Peloton workout. I have Chris Hemsworth app center. So I'll share my screen, and we'll all do a Peloton workout. I have Chris Hemsworth app center. So I'll share my screen and we'll do a center workout. And that's kind of nice because you get to see people, you get to work out together.

And it feels good to sweat. The other thing that sometimes I do is ride my bike. Oh, yeah, that's nice. A little outdoor. Yeah. So I work out maybe twice a day, sometimes three times. If I also do a bike ride.

Are you getting a sweat in or is it mostly just like keeping your core and muscles engaged? When we do the, when we do the core four workout, I get a solid sweat yoga. I don't sweat at all. Cause it's pretty light. It's way,

it's totally more for like my mental state and feeling stretched out. Uh, bike ride, maybe a small sweat, but it's not, it's pretty, it's not too bad. What about you? What are you, are you exercising? Not really. Cause like the day before the quarantine, I basically hurt my rib playing basketball. So I was going to have to take three weeks off anyway, which led me to like today basically. So I was all right now i'm ready to play basketball again but i can't do that so i have to figure out how do i how do i get a sweat and i'll be tall as a jump rope all right there you go um bands do you have any bands i don't think we have bands but between jump roping and like anything that you know you could do with an app like burpees squats sit-ups push-ups there's enough there for me i

just haven't done it yet i need to start you want to join our zoom workouts let me uh let me build up a little bit of endurance first before you add me to the class yeah we'd have to come up with it core four is really solid for four people so we'd have to find a a good a good name for the the five but we'll figure it out it's it's it'd be worth it i think the greasy five starring yugo we also have a total party kill me all right you got a question what is yeah chasing carly what is your go-to karaoke song what's the best karaoke song? Can we get a head gum karaoke live stream a lot? Jack box. Um, I definitely don't feel up to karaoke on a live stream.

I feel like I can only phone in my happiness so much, but I think I do like this question cause it lets me fantasize about the, uh, a day in the perhaps distant future where we can do a karaoke party again. Yeah, I definitely have not thought about karaoke in a couple months. Karaoke is the opposite of what's going on here. It's getting together in a sweaty room

in a place that you would never go to and just like drool, spit, and scream into each other's ear. Sharing a microphone. That's like the end of, that's the end a microphone that's like the end let's just that's the end of the tunnel great so let's look at the end of the tunnel let's just allow ourselves to escape and to fantasize real quick what's the goat karaoke song this was gonna we were me and micah were gonna do this on the goat show uh like the week before we all had to go into quarantine

so that's why it's also on my mind. Oh, interesting. It's tough because you want like one that people can sing along to, one that you can sort of dominate during the verses, but the chorus is like a sing-along. One that's known to you, but also to everyone else. I like Motown Philly a lot from Boyz II Men, but it requires men of a certain age on TNT to enjoy it. I think the goat karaoke song is Champagne Supernova by Oasis.

Because everyone will sing, it's just like you said, everyone will sing that chorus. Someday you will find me. I mean, oh yeah, everyone's going to join in on that shit. Actually, there's another Oasis song that might be better, which is Don't Look Back in Anger. That's right. Actually, I remember, I think you did that at a College Hooper karaoke party, and it absolutely crushed. Yeah, for me, it's more fun to sing So Sally Can Wait than Champagne Supernova. Interesting.

Yeah. Well, Champagne Supernova is a little, I think it's like happier. Oh, interesting. I guess I don't ever consider joy anymore. But yeah, maybe it's happier. Okay. Your turn for a question. Have you guys started any new hobbies during the quarantine, asks Liv Burke Social, that will continue when it's over. I was thinking about this yesterday and bringing it right back to exercise.

Like, I feel like I've been getting a solid workout with like kettlebells and bands at home and like doing that work like a workout with friends and also just being able to like load up my phone, get a workout done in like 45 minutes versus when before when I'd like go to the gym, unpack, put my stuff in a locker, go walk around the gym floor, take a shower, go to work. Like I think I can effectively work out at my house uh and it's so much faster it saves me a ton of time i think that even in in the better days when everything is opened up again i'm like i would perhaps uh continue to work out at home i mean it's not just a ton of time it's a ton of money too you're probably saving thousands of dollars a year just using an app at home yeah definitely some i mean these apps right now they, most of them are doing long free trials. And there is a monthly cost, but it's definitely less than the gym. It's also funny because I always fantasized about being a member at Equinox

and using Kiehl's, that fucking Kiehl's soap and the eucalyptus towels and shit. Like, I could just buy nice soap at my house, and I don't need to go to the gym for that. I can live in an Equinox if I could pay $19 for a bottle of conditioner. Yeah, that's it. And I would have the fucking funds. What about you? Is there anything that you're...

Oh, and maybe cooking. We're definitely cooking a lot more, and I feel like I like what we're eating. Yeah. Not spending as much money on restaurants might be a hobby that goes forward. I'm making iced coffee at home. By making, I mean buying a jug of it and pouring it into a glass myself rather than going to Starbucks and paying someone $3 to do it for me.

Yeah. Yeah. The jug is, the jug will save you a ton the jug saves you mugs that's right well actually doesn't don't you use your mugs will save you nugs um i'm just using a classic glass jar and i'm saving you like i said three dollars a day times 300 days a year a thousand dollars a month a thousand dollars a year and i'm stealing the coffee so it's completely right wow that is that is that's a come up anything else i we've amongst my friends had a online poker game every sunday night which is very fun because it's like oh how was your week

we're catching up we're playing poker and it's like not quite the same as being around a table with friends but pretty darn close because we're on Zoom chatting with each other, playing on our phones. And then at the end of the night, we Venmo each other. Like, oh, this is great. We should do this regardless. Yeah, that's true.

I think Zoom is showing, or I mean, video conferencing in general. I won't promote just Zoom, but it makes it very apparent how easy it is to see folks that you don't see that often. We had a Zoom hangout with my parents and all my sisters and my brother. I mean, it's not like we hang out all the time when there's not a pandemic. So it's just this pandemic got us to all get on the phone at one time.

But it's something we could do in better health as well. Yeah, I'm very curious about this virtual Seder that's going to be happening across America and how that goes versus an actual Seder. We'll have an update on that next week. The internet's going to crash. The Jews will crash the internet. We'll feel like slaves in Egypt again. Let's take a break and thank some sponsors and we'll come back with more questions after this. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm

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Limited time offer see terms at pick six dot draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings and we are back jake do you have any Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. Yeah, I've been using this app that I kind of like called House Party. Okay, so first explain to me, because your brother invited me two weeks ago. I forgot to sign up. And then you were like, you got to get House Party. I'm like, all right, I'll sign up. So I signed up for House Party.

I didn't know what it was. It looked like Snapchat. I sent you a video. Never heard back. And that So I sign up for Houseparty. I didn't know what it was. Looked like Snapchat. I sent you a video, never heard back. And that's the end of my Houseparty. So I guess I'm really curious what the hell Houseparty is, how to use it, why I'm not involved. Houseparty, I'm 34. So I'm not as good at it as my brother.

The only way that I've used it is like you kind of log on to house party you see who else is online like my brother and i went online and like dave and jeff were there so we like could click on their names and we all basically join into a four-way phone call and there are games within the app that you can sort of just like launch and play as you're on that phone call. So, for example. Oh, and also, I don't fully know how it works because when I signed up, when I downloaded it, I like, my sister was there. I pressed her. All of a sudden, I see my sister. And then we were talking, and all of a sudden, Ariel Vandenberg just came on the screen also.

So it was like me, my sister, and Ariel. It sounds like you're describing a dream. It's crazy, yes. But I think you can lock your house parties, but if they're public, people can just join them. So it's a video chat with built-in games yes all right so here's this is what we played with my sister and ariel um we played this game where i guess it's like i guess it's like charades or something or no pictionary um ariel was getting clues and she was drawing them.

So there's like a fourth little screen where we see just like a whiteboard. She's drawing. All of us are guessing. When we guess it correct, she presses a button and she gets the next clue and she's drawing. So we're just guessing what she's drawing, trying to get like a high score. Got it. Got it, got it. So it's sort of like a Jackbox-y quiplash,

but built in video chatting within it. Yes, exactly. Oh, and actually, you know what? I also, I'd recommend like Jackbox and quiplash and that stuff. I played a game of Drawful with Mike and Sarah and Nick and Laura last week too. Yeah.

Those games have been fun. We did a few head gum live streams with that and it's been fun. I think those are also on the head of YouTube channel. That's right. Yeah. But we should, we should, we should play house party.

All right. Now that I'm in, you can invite me to shit. All right, sweet. I will. I've also been playing Mario cart online. Funny story about Mario cart.

I've been playing for about a week. I haven't played Mario Kart since Mario Kart 64, so I guess a lot of the things have changed since then. But I've been playing for about a week, getting better. You can play online with friends. So if I'm playing and Ben's playing and then Jesse's playing and Marika are playing, we can all race against each other. Wow.

So I've been doing fairly well with myself. And then Ben invited one of his friends who's been playing a lot or has been playing a lot. And he destroyed us. And I was like, wow, how are you so good? And he's like, well, I think your auto steering is on. And I was like, what's that? And he's like, well, by default,

the game has a setting called auto steer which doesn't allow you to crash into walls and doesn't allow you to fall off course like remember on old rainbow rose where you could fall off yeah so one of the things I liked about this game is that I never fell off and like oh this is good I'm like never I'm doing pretty good it turns out I like I had like bowling bumpers on this entire yeah you're playing with the bumpers and he's like yeah that's pretty much like a setting for five and six year olds that don't know how to play i was like oh okay so i turned it off and i was awful at it wait but he was so good because he turned his off so if you turn it off you can go a little faster and you

could do some shortcuts that i didn't have access to. I see. The only problem is I turned it off and I just started crashing into every wall and falling off every course and getting like off. Like I was using kid mode and I was like, I'm pretty good at this game. And then when I turned it off, I was offline. And now that you've seen the light, do you feel like you can't go back to kid mode? Or are you fine going back to kid mode? I shouldn't.

Because to attain the level I want to attain, which is to become a competent Mario Kart racer, I have to take the training wheels off and reintroduce the game to myself as an adult. So you're doing that right now. Yeah, that's what I have to start doing right now. So we got to finish this episode because my training starts at 10. All right. This one comes from Henry JG 23.

This is a question for the man. So Amir, you can fuck off with that chipmunk shit. Jake in a time like this for a lack of a better term pandemic. Everything seems to be changing, but I can always count on one constant and that is you winning the golden mic. Basically every podcast ever, and for that, I thank you. Wow. Okay. My question, I'm glad you asked. If you could go back in time and choose a different animal to be your writing partner, which animal would it be?

That's a good question. Not really. Did you have to read the whole, like, what was the, there was like a two-minute little preamble of a guy fucking waxing philosophical about his opinion. That had nothing to do with the question. I thought it was pretty concise and to the point. And, I mean, complimentary to us both, which I thought was pretty cool. To us both. So, I felt like it was, yeah.

He called you the man. He called me a chipmunk. He said you win the golden mic and that I don't deserve it. Yeah, but that was in jest. All right, just answer the question. That was in jest. A monkey. I think monkeys are super the question. That was in jest. A monkey. I think monkeys are super cute.

Maybe like an orangutan because they know sign language, which is actually a little more than a mirror can do. So yeah, nice sweet little orange orangutan. I think that'd be pretty cool. I think that'd actually be really cool that's enough and i could imagine that you're not you're not my little my little monkey friend i bet he'd give me a run for the money on that old golden mic thing i really do i feel like we'd have uh

more of a split pile than uh this one man show that y'all have been listening to for so long. But nonetheless... I'd give you a run for the monkey. That's good. That's really good. That's really good. It's not golden. Don't look at me like that, because it's not golden mic worthy, because you already said that you had a hard out for this show, which means you're not dialed in.

You're not dedicated. And for that, you get a turdy. All right. Do you have any questions? Yeah. Wait, first of all, have you seen Tiger King, this show that everyone's talking about? No, I have not. I watched a little bit over Jill's shoulder because she was watching it. It looks fascinating. I will. I'll probably watch it. Got it. Have you gotten into a new show?

Love is Blind. I got super into Love is Blind. Have you finished it yes i finished it in three days and i i i really hate reality tv i like kind of pride myself in not even like just abstaining from it because i like it but just like it doesn't even appeal to me and i feel like that's a cool thing about me and i don't have a lot of those so i'm like i really like celebrate the fact that i like don't i couldn't name all of the kardashians if i saw a photo of them i wouldn't know which one to switch you know like i like that i don't like reality tv and sorry where is this headed it's headed the fact that you fucking are obsessed with love is

blind and the bachelor now i've not watched i can't watch anything else but look i did i the same way that i was watching tiger king like jill was watching it and i'm like looking Love is Blind and The Bachelor now? I can't watch anything else. But look, I did. The same way that I was watching Tiger King, like Jill was watching it and I'm like looking over her shoulder. I get like, I'm like, this is so stupid. I come back, I'm like, who's this guy? And then I come back and I'm like, who is this lady?

Like, what, they love each other? And then I like finally, I'm just like, all right, I am into it. I sit down, I watch, I'm obsessed. I watch nonstop for two days and uh like the the finale and the reunion i treated like it was it was like the game of thrones finale like i we made popcorn i sat down i'm like so into it was all right time for a new time for a new cool thing that you like about yourself because not liking reality TV no longer applies to you.

Well, I only like this one show. You've only seen this one show. I'm not going to watch anything else. I can't. I really can't. This is what you said. You're like, I pride myself on not just being one of those guys that gets obsessed with it so he abstains. Yeah, that's what you are now.

You would get obsessed with it so you're abstaining. But I've seen other reality shows, and I don't like them. I think that maybe reality competition shows are more my speed. We watched Unorthodox, which I think was a Jill recommendation, and that was awesome, too. Sort of the opposite of reality TV. It was a really interesting, well-done drama, well-acted. So I'm okay admitting that I watched it. Compelling story.

A really deep dive into the cultural implications and just the production aspect was so fascinating but who did you think who did you think was the hottest guy on love giannina and and damien actually had a really powerful connection uh no i watched unorthodox too i'm well i'm only three episodes in but i liked it a lot uh what are you guys looking forward to writes don juhoti once this court uh restrictions are all lifted so what's one thing that you can say i'm really looking forward to doing this one specific thing jill and i were on a walk yesterday and she asked me that exact same thing i've it's i i guess I really am just looking forward to going to a restaurant and sitting on a patio and drinking a bottle of rosé.

I really need to do that. I want to be surrounded by people at a restaurant. Imagine somebody talking to you and they accidentally spit a little bit and it lands on your lip and you don't think you're going to die'll be a nice feeling that's gonna be a hard feeling to come out of like it really even like going to the grocery store you know like when you're now when you're in the grocery store you just give people such a wide berth you know like i wouldn't have before i would have never had a problem with like somebody reaching past me to like get milk. And now it's like, oh, do you need to be the only person in front of the cheese for a minute?

I'll wait six feet away from you. A couple passed me on a walk once and I was like, recently, and it was like almost like shoulder to shoulder. I was like, whoa, buddy, did you hear the rules? We're both dead now. If you're going to pass i use one person's on the sidewalk the other's in the street you know that cars don't exist anymore so you can just start walking in the middle of fifth avenue walking is really nice with so with so little traffic and riding my bike has been really nice too um what about what about you? What are you looking forward to? Going to the office, seeing coworkers again face-to-face,

potentially going to a social event, a gathering of sorts, playing basketball with 15 friends at the same time. That'll be a fun get. Oh, yeah. And watching basketball. I haven't watched basketball in three weeks now. Actually, one of these questions is about basketball um let me oh yeah uh lush uh says why did this virus hit when the lakers were doing

really well i had them going straight to the final four with yeah yeah i was talking to some b-ball buddies about which basketball players them would be the most upset if the nba season gets canceled which it's starting to look more and more every day like it will be i think somebody asked that basketball players would be the most upset if the NBA season gets canceled, which it's starting to look more and more every day like it will be. I think somebody asked that on Twitter. Like what? Oh, yeah. What is the alternative?

Like that they'll come back in June for like a, will they extend the season? Or is it just going to be like whoever had these records is going to be in the playoffs? Yeah. So dude, LeBon is good as the guy who asked if is the nba season coming back the they're sort of holding out hope to be like all right there was 20 games left in the regular season but if we skip that and go right to the playoffs and it started in july could we do like an abridged version of the playoffs how much can we sacrifice without it not being like a true champion because nobody wants to like ramp up, start playing,

and then everyone's like, oh, that wasn't a real champion anyway. That doesn't count. LeBron didn't really get his fourth ring. That was a weird playoffs, an asterisk, if you will. It feels like the teams are so, but the big teams are so good that I wouldn't, I would not be like, that's not a real championship.

It just feels like the basketball teams themselves are so much yeah more interesting than they were last year that i would still be into a championship and i wouldn't be like that's an asterisk i mean people are watching nba players play video games so people will watch for sure the question is like what will be the level of play when you tell professional athletes like all right take a month off and stay in your apartment don't even shoot a basketball for a month it's like all right, take a month off and stay in your apartment. Don't even shoot a basketball for a month. It's like, all right, and let's start playing the playoffs. We're like, these people are going to be rustier than they are in the preseason starting playing a postseason.

It just doesn't work. And then you can't have crowds there, you know, for at least until there's a vaccine, I would think. You can't have 20,000 people in an arena. So they're playing by themselves in an empty arena, maybe in a city that hasn't been affected a lot. Like there's been talks about let's get every playoff team and put them in Kansas city for a month and just have them play like on one court, a rotating tournament style. But then you have to test everybody and we don't have testing capabilities.

It just seems like it's too, too tall of a task right now. Yeah. And then like one person gets it and and the nba looks very very bad yeah exactly or like you have a team of doctors there not in new york city because they want to like test dwight howard to see if he's he has a fever before playing a game yeah and i've already moved on to canceling football. Canceling basketball is old news. Let's talk about a league that starts in September

and if we're going to be able to play that. Damn. I wonder what they're going to do with Premier League. Yeah, in Europe it's even worse, sort of, because, you know, Spain, Italy, they're being affected more than America. Favorite delivery food? Have you guys done takeout and

delivery are you guys being super cautious about that uh we have just been cooking everything what about you yeah same i mean it's it feels silly because like you know you're supposed to support local restaurants and get takeout but for whatever reason it scares me to like have a delivery person or somebody preparing the food and i don't know we're being like extremely extra cautious but i guess it can't be transmitted through hot food anyway so maybe it doesn't matter i just feel like everybody everyone has such a strong opinion on like supporting your local restaurants or like don't have any contact with the outside world like i don't i just don't know. There's no, I kind of hate it, honestly. Yeah, and I have friends who have been super cautious

and cooked every meal at home and now feel sick. And I have friends that get takeout all the time and just feel fine. And a lot of it feels the luck of the draw. Here's a silly question from DerbX, XJerbsX. What's grosser, a banana mayo sandwich or a peanut butter pickle sandwich? So how about which one would you rather eat of those two? It's banana mayo and pickle peanut butter?

Yeah. Damn, it's tough. I like both mayo and bananas separately, of course. I love peanut butter and I don't like pickles that much but i think that this like the sweet and sour mixed with the peanut butter will probably go better so i'll do that yeah i think the mayo thing rubs me. The mayo and banana just seems like a creamy, mushy mess to me. Peanut butter pickle. I'm intrigued. I could picture peanut butter pickles somewhere on a menu.

A very adventurous one. But not banana mayo. That feels like a dare. You had one? Yeah, this is a nice little one to end on. Which one of Ben Schwartz's characters from J&A would die quickest during a pandemic, and which one would thrive? That is from Chunk of Water.

Ooh. So, we got the park ranger one who's out and about, sort of socially isolating. He seems like he can survive longest. Oh, that's true. Which one is the park ranger? Is that Scolby Lawson's Jim? No. It might be Carrot Slat. Really? Oh, no's true. Which one is the park ranger? Is that Scolby Lawson's Jim? No. It might be Carrot Slat.

Really? Oh, no. Wait. Bear Grylls. Oh, no. This is Stanley. So his name is Stanley, I think. Stanley.

Yeah, that's right. Stanley. Stanley Grylls. Who the fuck is Stanley Grylls? The one that would die is the interrogator. Office investigator. He blew someone. That wasn't socially distant at all.

Yeah. Blew a stranger. What was that guy's name? The one who wanted to find out who's shitting the copier. Oh, man. I truly have no idea. Is there a list somewhere? I think there is.

Yeah, there's Carrot Slat. There's Scalby Losses, Jim. There's Joe Rogan. No. Oh, look. Seth Rogen. somewhere i think there is yeah there's carrot slat there's sculby losses jim there's joe rogan no oh look seth rogan there's um okay so it looks like he he's got amir blumenfeld jope sculby losses jim stanley carrot slat charles kuschtust, Sulu Candles, Cherry Dude, and Ben Schwartz. So do you remember which one was Office Interrogator? It's one of those middle three. I don't know. There's also some, I think there were a couple times where he didn't have a name.

Yeah. I'll guess Charles Kruschtust. Charles Kruschtust? Yeah. I'll guess that he didn't have a name. No, that's impossible. Unnamed. That was the only joke we would pre-write.

Yeah. Well, that's my theory, and I'm sticking with it. Final answer. No name. No name. You can add us and let us know. Yeah, let us know. All right.

Thanks so much for listening. Thanks for your questions. If you have more questions or theme song submissions, send them to ifireyshow at gmail.com. Emails are still up and running. They sure are. That's one thing that pandemic can't take away from us. Not yet, anyway. The opening one was that Boxcar Racer parody.

I don't know if I said his name. Paul Lumpkin. He says, cheers and go dogs. He wants to shout out his... I believe you did and go dogs. He wants to shout out his- I believe you did say his name. He wanted to shout out his boys, Dylan and Jordan. So thanks, Paul, for writing the- Oh, yeah, well, we didn't do that. Yeah, thanks, Paul, for writing the opening boxcar racer parody.

And this closing one was written by Dara Connelly. Dara, it's like an Irish name, D-A-R-R-A-G-H, Connelly. Oh, yeah, I had a friend named Dara growing up So he said he wrote a theme song to episode 23 And it took him another 7 years To make another Wow I hope it's worth the wait So thanks Dara

Thanks Paul Thanks to you guys for listening And we'll be back next week Peace Stay home. Stay safe. Stopped into the shop while I was making my way home. I brought credit for my fall and a

honeycomb toberol. I downloaded the latest episode of Jake and Amir. The audio wasn't very clear but I had to persevere. Headguns for me. Headguns for you, headgums for you Let's all watch if I were you

A show for me, a show for you Let's all watch if I were you