Segments - 43: Guys Suck

Episode Date: December 5, 2013

In this episode we discuss Christmas gifts, female roommates, and why guys are the worst. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for access to thousands of movies and TV Shows: http://bit.ly/1aJaQzw This episode is ALSO brought to you by 20Jeans.com! Twenty dollar jeans and other awesomely affordable high quailty clothes: http://bit.ly/152P612 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast, We're Here to Help, but this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help.

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time only. Hey, um... Didn't see you there, microphone. Whoa, you caught us in a completely candid moment, actually. Great. Well, yeah, sure. Come on in. You guys, this episode is a pleasant surprise.

It's brought to you by Hulu Plus. Well, yeah, it is sponsored. That's great. We're already here recording. We might as well talk about Hulu Plus. All right, sure. You know, you've probably tried Hulu.com, but with Hulu Plus, you can do so much more. You can watch your favorite TV shows anytime, anywhere.

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Certainly a lot more than – Elliott Stabler gets paid by the NYPD. Oh, no, actually, it's not. It's very little. Well, I'm saying he barely gets any money. It's a labor of love. But even he can afford Hulu Plus, which is only $7.99 a month.

Yeah, he probably doesn't have time to watch TV because he's always having crime. But yeah, if he did, if Stabler wanted to, he could afford it. So at $8 a month, how much would it cost for a year of Hulu Plus? Is this an impromptu math quiz? It's $96 a year. Nailed it!

Did I? Yeah. Hell yeah. It still makes me bad at math that I was surprised and happy by getting that. Yeah, you did two little permutations in your head. One, to figure out that there's 12 months in a year, and then two, eight times 12, which is like six. No, actually, I did three, I guess,

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thank you so much. Please support our sponsors. It's Hulu plus.com slash Amir to check it out. And please, please, please enjoy this episode. Good episode. Actually actually you know what things

now that I'm trying to rack my brain they did yeah no they did they did they did they got real they got real they did in this got so real yeah they got actually got really real you think so everyone oh my god okay you know we don't want to say please it real all right Do you remember when? Oh my God. Okay. You know, we don't want to say. All right.

Please. I enjoyed this episode. It got so real. All right. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody.

Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody.

Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody.

Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody.

Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody.

Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. Bye everybody. here yeah you could email in a question or you could just enjoy the show either way everything's hashtag dope okay love it i like that one a lot i hated it really you're smiling i know what's up uh i ate a lot of sugar for lunch that shouldn't make you hateful what you're like you're still smiling and hateful so like sugar doesn't really i don't mean like what yeah no sugar has nothing to do with it you're a bad guy oh lice a lot of lice not just lice maggots a cock there's a there's a mouse in

there nickel jesus ow so many anyway welcome to if i were you the only advice podcast on the There's a mouse in there. A nickel. Jesus. Ow. So many. Anyway, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet that shoots in a different single location every single time we record. I'm Amir. And I think I'm Jake. I forget. And we are recording this Wednesday night in a hotel room in New Orleans. Should I be looking at that camera? Oh, yeah.

We're also- Are we addressing the camera right now? You are. You're addressing the camera right now? You are. You're addressing the camera. Twice. We have cameras with us, so we figured we would videotape, record this episode,

and put it online. I don't know when I'm going to get around to actually putting the video up, so for now, just listen to it, and then hopefully sometime this week, I'll be able to upload it. Right. It's weird if you're like watching,

someone's watching this video right now. For now, just listen to it. Okay? Yeah, no watching, just listen to it okay yeah that is no watching just listen close your eyes pretend that we're not here uh yeah if you are listening we will try to upload the video soon if you're watching the video then we succeed yeah we made it we might even be dead by the time you see this that's the magic of the road trip in a ditch somewhere um we've driven god i don't know 1500 miles in the last three days yeah it's a lot it's a lot of driving but we saw a lot of america really did and i'm ready to fly home i think i'm done i think i think i've seen enough yeah i think

mississippi was uh was worth checking out but i'd like to fly over Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, and all that shit. And the rest. I think that might be the rest. What? Just Texas, New Mexico? Oh, Arizona. Texas, New Mexico, Arizona.

Wow. California. So we've basically- We've crossed so many states, and now there's just like, there's three. Yeah. In the east, it's all very dense, and then once you get out west, it's like four states's three. Yeah, in the east it's all very like dense and then once you get out west it's like four states until California.

Yeah, Jesus. But that, enough about geography. Yeah, we're trying to go out in New Orleans tonight, you know what I'm saying? It's 11.05. When did you want to leave?

Alright, so we might as well explain what the rules are. The way it works is people email us at ifirewshow at gmail.com. They're in difficult places. They need advice, and so they come looking towards us for some reason, and we sift through all the emails and choose a couple, you know, four, five, whatever, and try to answer them on this show. You over-explained it.

Really? You over-explained it. I think. How so? Let me try. I'm going to take the reins on this one, Bloom. Do you think I spent too long and now you want to explain it again?

You over-did it. Let me show you how it's done. Wouldn't this be over-doing it? So here's what we do on the show, the podcast. All right, so what you want to do is download the podcast app on Apple. Oh, no, no, no.

Chill, chill, chill, chill. I got off to an inauspicious start, but I think I can reel it in. You've already spent more time than I did. Hey, shit. Shit. Aw, damn it, Hurwitz. There you go again.

Your dad was right. Your dad was right. So, yeah, let's read these emails and try to give some advice. We're going to give these real emails fake names to preserve their... Anonymity. Anonymity. So, let's call them cities that we visited so far. That sounds nice.

So, this first one comes from a dude named Tuscaloosa. Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Great city. I'd never been to Alabama or Mississippi before today. Yeah. Tuscaloosa, Alabama. Great city. I'd never been to Alabama or Mississippi before today. Yeah. Tuscaloosa was cool. Yeah, we drove through both. All right.

Tuscaloosa writes, So I've been talking to this chick I met on Tinder for a while now. Jake would be proud. The only thing she doesn't go to my university. She goes to one. Oh, my gosh. See, now that it's a video, I gotta just...

You gotta just nail this. People know how terrible they are. I'm like real good. No, I know the sentence now. Yeah, yeah. You can read the next one. Thank you. I like reading it.

You read it all the time and I like to do it too. Okay, well you should have mentioned something earlier instead of just privately stewing. Well, now I'm doing it. I know. You read all the questions and I wish I could.

That's it. Ta-da. Cheers. I like working with you. I hope to continue. That being said, we are on the rocks. Go ahead. Much like the whiskey I'd like to be drinking later, we are on the rocks.

All right. Starting from the top. Now we're here. Tuscaloosa writes, so I've been talking to the chick that I met on Tinder for a while now. The only thing is, she doesn't go to my university. She goes to one about an hour and a half away. And we really click.

She has double D's, which is tight. Anyway, Christmas is coming up, and so is her birthday, which is on the 27th. And we're not dating yet, but we probably will be eventually. Should I get her a gift for both one or none? We've been talking for about a month now. the cheese tuscaloosa it's so funny because every time i'm like i want to rip into this dude but then he ends up with seize the cheese i'm like oh he supports me but uh that being said you're you're not smart he's he's only been talking to this girl on tinder she lives an hour away an hour and a half an hour and a half away they've only ever talked on tinder yes he didn't have a number

he just messages her via the app and he's wondering whether he should get her a christmas gift and a birthday gift or just one well or maybe neither. Because, you know, well, I think because they're not dating. Well, no, they haven't actually met. But they're probably going to date. Eventually. So I think, like, how much do you want to spend on the birthday gift? $250, $500. I think that's fair, especially if you love her.

Well, he does. He just hasn't met her yet. She's got double D's. Oh, that's true. Yo, you honestly, you've got to get her two presents. One for each of the Ds. One for each tit. Yeah, that's what's up. You have to spend $200 per D. She already got you two gifts.

She got you two gifts. You got to get her two, all right? Now to meet her. Now it's time to meet her for the first time ever. Here we go. This is my girlfriend. I'm going to get her two presents. I'd love to meet you. Can it's time to meet her for the first time ever. Here we go. This is my girlfriend. I'm going to get her two presents. I'd love to meet you.

Can I meet you with gifts like a secret Santa that you know about? I need to meet you before the 25th because I want to come over for Christmas and give you a gift. And then I need to meet you again for date number two with your birthday gift. Because to be honest, I need to get to know you to figure out what you like. It's kind of tough to buy a gift for my girlfriend when I've never seen her face. I've never seen you animated. I see five pictures of you. I think I got a pretty good idea.

You have a bio that was 500 characters or less. Yeah. And I see we have one mutual friend, some kid I grew up with. So I think we're meant to be. I think, yeah. Yeah. And just by a quick little eyeball test in the picture number four, it is a group shot, but I am 50% confident that those are double Ds.

Those are absolutely the double Ds. I've got to seize the Ds. Oh, Merce. Seize the Ds. Why? What? Why would he get her two gifts that's more times than he's met her zero you don't get gifts for someone you've never met why are you so sure she's gonna be your girlfriend why yeah we will be eventually when it's been a month and you haven't met and what are you waiting for so you're gonna enter into a long distance relationship which is you know i think dumb right uh with somebody that you've never met

that you met on tinder while you're in college she goes to a different college than him yeah so should he get her two gifts or one oh that was the question yeah it wasn't whether or not he should go out with her or whether or not you should meet her. So I guess one, don't even meet her. Because it's not worth. That way you're saving money. Because in theory, in your brain, you already spent money for two gifts. That's true. So you're saving money right there.

How does he meet someone else with double Ds? Oh, gosh. At least within an hour and a half. By the way, an hour and a half. What is that like? That's a 90-mile drive. What's his Tinder radius maximum? Yeah, well, maybe they matched when he was like somewhere closer.

I don't know. Maybe she's from his home. Oh, you know what it is? Maybe she's like an hour and a half away, but with the double Ds. The Tinder radius starts from the edge of her Ds. Of her nipple. Yeah, the nipple is five miles away away but then her body is another 100 yeah whatever yeah of course that makes sense that actually makes a lot of sense so for christmas

i'm thinking you give her a nice sweater yeah yeah and then for birthday let's get a little bit more personal that's true yeah like lingerie oh yeah so here's actually a really cute gift that i've always thought about giving a girl. It's like you get her like really sexy lingerie, right? I don't know. You get a girl really sexy lingerie. So it's like, oh, this is sexy. This is sweet. I'm like super attracted to you. But then you also you also get her like pajama pants and a big T-shirt. So you're like, hey, I like you no matter what. I want you to be comfortable but like you turn me on and no pressure you turn me on and you can also turn me

off so anyway that's my advice for you you really want to get her a gift and also you give you present it to her by wearing the lingerie so like this is what i got you and then you take off your robe and you're wearing something more comfortable and then if this creeps you out i also got you pajama pants anyway i think that's i think that's a good gift all right actually a robe is a good gift no not a robe a robe is not a robe i'm saying i'm saying separately from that my advice is to give her a robe because a robe is like a very comfortable item of clothes that a lot of people don't purchase for themselves a robe and an umbrella The least romantic gifts you can give her. I'm a very practical gift giver.

I say, oh, you know what's also a really good gift that's super cheap and you can totally – I don't know who – We should preface this by don't give her a gift. And this is also – Disclaimer, don't do the gift. Tuscaloosa, do not give her a gift. This is for all these people out there That are trying to think of like Gifts for their girlfriends for Christmas For people who

People who have actually met Their significant other Yeah So let's say you've met Let's say you've actually Started dating someone And you want to get That person to give

Yeah say that you've actually Like started dating someone And met them and like You know know them And all that Yeah Good shit That's like

Dope Way to go That's Like beyond just matched With them on Tinder Right right right Like met them Hung out with them I feel bad making fun of this dude for like you found somebody maybe that's good who cares

anyway they end up getting married they they have a kid that grows up to be the president this is playing every day in his crib just to drive him uh so what you do is give somebody a really old t-shirt and you say that it's your favorite shirt. So they're like, oh my God, this is so romantic. He gave me his favorite shirt. Oh. But isn't that also running the risk of you just giving someone an old t-shirt as a gift? Yeah, but they think that it means something. Oh, so they just assume the sentimental values through the roof.

All of my exes out there who clutch in my favorite t-shirt just know it was. All right, that was honest. It wasn't just an eight dollar shirt i got a kmart that afternoon it was me being honest with you guys each one of y'all that uh that made me have this idea for other other girlfriends can we edit this out no actually this is it dope dope dope dope actually don't all your exes live in texas yeah like i'm uh george straight yeah that's so weird. That's so unique.

Let's just... Yeah. Sorry, go on. Let's go to the next one. Okay. Did you actually give someone a t-shirt and now you're embarrassed? No.

That'll come out as clearly lying in the video version of the episode. All right, next question. Yeah. This one comes from somebody, a lady. What should we call this lady? Charlottesville. Oh, that's cute.

Charlottesville. Ooh. Charlottesville writes, oh, wait, you wanted to read it. Oh, yeah. Motherfucker. Oh, it's a little harder to hold the mic. Remember to speak right into the mic. Right.

Oh, it's right through there. So it's kind of blocking your vision, right? Hey, guys. Oh, right? Hey, guys. What? Hey, guys. Love the show. Are you taking a shit? Oh, God.

Hey, guys. Love the show. That being said, I found myself in a bit of a sticky situation. My long-distance boyfriend of a year recently expressed to me that he wants to have a roommate live with him as he lives alone in a two-bedroom condo. Only issue is he wants it to be a girl. He claims they are cleaner, better cooks, and more studious.

Obviously, being a girl, I told him this makes me uncomfortable. He claims it wouldn't be weird, but I feel like it's a terrible idea. It's not that I don't trust him. I'm just afraid one thing will lead to another since it's an intimate situation. Am I overreacting, or do I have a right to be weirded out help thank you Charlotte S. Ville I nailed that shit yeah I nailed that read that was I didn't read that shit before

yeah you did yeah I practiced once I practiced once you're practically off book easy does it you wrote that question, I think. It was in your cadence, your voice, and your tone. Real easy bit of advice for this one. Ugly girl. Yeah, you're saying you choose the girl. Yeah, the lady chooses the girl. So Charlotte Esville, you get to choose.

I feel like people do that with nannies. The most unattractive woman you can find. But then her boyfriend's going to be like, well, she looks messy. She's a slob. I can totally tell. Yeah, I need someone who's not only neat but also fit. Yeah, because I want my roommate to motivate me. Yeah, and I don't want someone like 7 out of 10. I need her to be like a 9 or a 10.

I need a room with a dime. Yeah, I understand. Yeah, because that way it'll motivate me to be a better boyfriend to you. The thing is, I get it. I get it. As what? I understand what he's doing. Yeah, which is what?

I will go one step further than your advice of her picking the girl and just say, break up with your boyfriend. Oh, you think he's just trying to hook up with someone? Uh-huh. I think he has that in his mind. Isn't that a dangerous situation? What do you mean? Yeah, of course. But he's like, I want to have a roommate.

Oh, yeah. I want to have a roommate. Oh, yeah. I want to be a hot girl. Maybe he's thinking, oh, nothing will actually happen, but I just want a girl around. But no, he's just like, yeah, he wants to hook up with somebody else. It's danger. It's putting himself in a situation to be a dangerous boy. Trying to. Yeah.

That's why if she chooses the girl, suddenly she's calling his bluff. She should suggest that she moves in. You don't need a roommate. I'll live with you. Ooh. Who's she kissing? This is her kissing. I'll live with you, buddy.

What? Yeah, why doesn't she live with you? Did she mention anything about where she lives? Maybe they've never met. Oh, it's a long-distance boyfriend. Oh, this is the girl with the double Ds she's already dating him in his her mind too the thing is i got these double d's god a long distance relationship plus female roommate that's that's damned no yeah you're she's damned you're done she's damned you're done you're damned you're out you're good

you're out you're damned on. Get up on that Tinder game. Get up on that Tinder game. Doo-dah, doo-dah. Get up on that Tinder game. Doo-dah, doo-dah day. Gotta swipe all day. Gonna be a... Oh, he hit me.

For those of you guys that are listening to the podcast without seeing the video, I pretended to hit Amir with my microphone. He struck me. You guys, now you have to watch the video that's called incentivizing that was good multimedia uh cross-platform webisode mobisode hybrids so i'm gonna walk away i'm gonna walk away what do you mean why you know why uh next question break up with your boyfriend he wants to cheat on you. Oh, my God. That's such a pessimistic. This is just coming from someone who does cheat.

What if he does actually want to cheat on you? Yeah. Because he wants a female roommate or because all guys always want to cheat on their girl? Because he wants a female roommate. That's not a normal thing. Well, what if he does just. Or what about gay guy? Or lesbian?

Lesbian, best of both worlds. He can still have an attractive female roommate. Well, now you're stereotyping, actually. How so? I don't understand it, but I don't like it. I don't know why you're being small. You're trying to make him live with a gay guy or a lesbian. Yeah.

I think gay girl is the way to go i think break up with him you just want to date this girl she should test the waters and say something like that so she should say go for the lesbian and maybe see if he like if he if he hesitates i think lesbian is the ultimate answer here he gets to live with a girl she gets to not be afraid yeah i think break up with him he's actively trying to cheat on you he basically just put out a personal ad that's what he did hey he's like oh actually can i find my roommate on tinder i feel weird using facebook i don't want to blast all my friends i think i'm just gonna meet a girl on tinder and have a move in actually i'm gonna i need to vet this roommate first. So we're going to go out for drinks and then get dinner, you know, just to see if I get along with my roommate.

Yeah. And then I want to like hook up with her just to make sure that there's no like weird chemistry situation. If there's like a sexual tension, it's going to be super weird. So let's just get that right off the bat. I'm going to fuck her. And actually, this is crazy. If I like fucking her, I'm going to keep doing it, and we're going to break up. No, no, no.

I'm just going to keep fucking her until I don't like it anymore. Yeah. And then it's like, okay, she's done. She's out of my life. I don't even have to tell you about it. Yeah. I fucked somebody. All right, I fucked someone.

I love her. I want her to move in with me. I'm fucking my roommate. Is that a big deal to you, you long-distance lover? Break up with him. All right. Jake says break up. I say lesbian.

There we go. All right. Let's take our little break time. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o! DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct.

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Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy. That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan. And now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have- You're a fan of gambling. Enough.

Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. Yes. And I do have an affinity for the silver and black. So if you like football as much as me which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those?

Yeah, running is when you run, and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick pick six players check this out new customers play five dollars on your

first pick set and get fifty dollars in pick six credits very cool download the new draft kings pick six app now and use code segments that's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings pick six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say gambling problem. Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777 or visit ccpg.org in Connecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick six is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. But we also, I guess, talk about the the road trip so far three days in three days in uh we're already running on empty yeah yeah i took a two-hour nap above uh john and john carlo today is that illegal i don't know there are seatbelts in there

i think we're supposed to use them that's the cool thing about driving in an rv though i'm so comfortable all the time i'm never bored Just like there's huge windows everywhere. Yeah. Just like walking around. But it doesn't seem legal that you can like click it or tick it. You have to wear a seatbelt

or if you're in an RV you can lay on a bed on top of the steering wheel. Whenever I'm sleeping up there all I'm at like sometimes I'll hear the groove pavement going. I don't know how many times

Giancarlo's driven off the road but during my nap it was like and there was one time where we were doing it for a really long time. I was just imagining... I'm going to fall. I'm going to tip over. And now what?

We're getting sideswiped by a truck and I think I die up here. Well, what a way to go. That's definitely how you die. I would die up there if we got into an accident. I don't know because you're at the top. If it flips over, I'm the first to be crushed. I crush. I'm crushed. to be crushed. I crush. I'm crushed.

But what a way to go during a nap. Oh, that was the other thing we did. We shot that Instagram video. Oh, yeah. Which was like, we sort of cheated it, but it was still the most dangerous thing. This video is on Jake's Instagram if you want to see it. Jake Hurwitz. Jake Hurwitz.

Jake Hurwitz on Instagram. A-J-A-J-A. I was like,U-R-N-I-Z-Z-Z. We took a video where I'm in the driving seat looking at Jake instead of the road and I was like off frame like steering with the little tip of the steering wheel while John Grimm are one of our camera ops yeah we're traveling with two of our

camera operators our cameramen our friends yeah like they've been around since they shot they shot like some of the first Jake and Amir yeah they also co-write a bunch of, or not co-write, but punch up all these scripts too. So they're like writer, director, producer friends. They're basically the number three and four people behind the Jake and Amir operation. So anyway, today Jake was, or no, I was driving. Jake was trying to guide the steering wheel While I looked away from it

Right and I was also trying to act Right because you're like Look at the road Look at the road And I'm like I'm just thinking like Look at the road And honestly

An RV When you're driving in like a A Honda It's like Oh yeah just like I could drive a Honda with my pinky Right On that thing

Like I was off I was off the line for like two seconds I was like trying to get it back And it's like this beast Yeah you have to like Really put your body weight to get it back. And it's like this beast. You have to really put your body weight into it to straighten it out. It's like exercise. So we actually did drift into another lane and almost hit a car. And then you posed a very interesting question, which was,

if we died shooting this video and ended up killing somebody in a car next door, or a car next to us we crashed into them we all died and they found that video at the side of the wreckage would people be mad at us i think yeah i think our legacy is tarnished if we do if we die on this trip i think that like everyone is like wow they were they were so funny they were great like there are people like posting about it people are like we lost uh god gained angels today but if if we run the run the run our rv into a minivan carrying a family of four everyone perishes among the wreckage they find this instagram video where amir is full on not looking at the road all of us cracking up i die in character we are we're devils for that.

Yeah. Satan has gained four minions today. Each one more evil than the last. All right. Well, luckily we survived. So you don't have to even worry about it. The police see that video and arrest us. Can we do that?

Can we be retroactively arrested? What's the statute of limitations up on that? Hopefully, whatever it is, we're safe. How long are we at? 25? Yeah, 25-ish minutes. All right. Talked about 20 jeans.

Guys, check them out. Helps us out. Helps you guys. Helps us. Helps 20 jeans. It's a triple helping situation. Yo, it's over. Quit it.

They bought the sponsorship. Oh oh i was joking about that all right um question the third yep this one comes from another lady do you have another city that we've driven through that sounds like a female um miss orlins oh what about miss is sippy oh that's nice that's nice yeah sippy yeah that's good that was mine jackson jackson came up with jackson or miss sippy yeah that was me rights do you want to read it or should i do that you please hey guys okay i've been on tinder for a really long time and i have around 150 matches matching for me isn't the problem and neither is talking to said match. It always seems that once I start up a conversation with a guy, they always

end up asking for my number or my Snapchat, which I don't mind at all. The problem is that then they always ask me for nudes. Often guys even start conversations with something like, send me nudes. I even put, please don't ask for nudes in my description, but that doesn't seem to stop them. Once a guy I had been talking to for a while, and we were hitting it off, asked for nudes, and when I politely said no, he stopped responding. Is it bad that I just want to talk and get to know a guy

and then see where it leads? Advice on this Tinder dilemma, or should i just give up on tinder guys completely thanks uh mississippi who who are these guys and how dare they well this is i think this is the thing most guys are these guys so like why what what an advantage you have if you're a normal non-creepy guy every date i've ever been on like from i think i've never been on an ok cupid date even though i use it but um every any tinder day oh yes i have i went on one ok cupid anyway

whatever every single one i've ever been on they're just like it's like impressive that i'm not crazy yeah they're not like oh my god you're really smart they're just like you're not weird we've been talking for 30 seconds and you haven't asked to see me naked. You didn't show up and you weren't a foot and a half shorter than me. You don't have a boil on your face that you hid in all your pictures. What a sad state of like, should she give up on Tinder guys? I feel like she should just give up on guys completely. I think she should take out don't ask me for nudes. Oh, you think that like gives them the idea.

Yeah. It's like don't ask me for, a guy sees that and he's like i think that like gets them gives them the idea yeah it's like don't ask me a guy sees that he's like oh that means she's made the mistake of sending nudes too many times maybe she's weak and i'll bring it up or another way to think about it she's like actively saying hey i don't want you to i don't want to send you naked pictures and nine times out of ten guys are still like i just want to to see naked pictures. Why? Like, if you're just normal, any guy that's listening who's on Tinder or otherwise, if you're just not a creep, what a huge advantage you have over 95% of the population. Just don't be an asshole. It's so easy.

I like naked pictures. It's just hard to ask for them. Yeah, okay. You have to volunteer. Yeah, you shouldn't. Right. Every guy wants to see naked pictures. No guy should actively ask for them. Yeah, okay. You have to volunteer. Yeah, you shouldn't. Right. Every guy wants to see naked pictures. No guy should actively ask for them.

Especially right off the bat. Like, that can't be successful. Never. And even if it is, what are you getting? Like, just don't you want to like actually meet this human? The reason you're using it is to have sex, not to jerk off. Yeah, you can find it, right? There's videos of naked women.

Yeah. Yeah. Do that. I think the only people that are sending nudes like that quickly are other dudes pretending to be girls. And it's so funny. Like to be a girl that uses Tinder is like such a different experience than a guy. Like all guys are so like terrible that like when a girl uses it, if she swipes a guy to the right, odds are he probably already saw it because he's using it so much more actively because he wants to see nude chicks and it's probably just like a high success rate of like okay match match match match match an attractive girl probably cannot swipe to the

right without matching right and it's such a high quantity but it's such a low low quality which is insane i really think that these guys just can do better why waste like it's it's insane you go you'll real sex is way better than a single nude photo yeah okay i think my advice is to any girl to not to use tinder right i can't believe girls are on snapchat too are you done with snapchat i deleted snapchat really garbage stupid stupid shit i mean that's what i thought and you agreed and you had it and you used it all the time yeah and now i don't use it my life is infinitely better people use that shit so much so weird i i was at a family dinner the other night and uh there was like a teenage lady there and she was snapchatting a bunch i'm like do people yeah do people use snapchat like oh all

like they use snapchat instead of text yeah like pictures text which i maybe i sort of understand because it's like really passive it's like passive texting like sometimes i'll want to text someone and i don't even have anything to talk to them about i just want to be like i'm thinking about you but i have to be like all right what can i say like oh this is something that reminds me of them i'll say that right i'm thinking about this like but snapchat is so like, it doesn't matter. Here's a picture of my face with like crazy Thursday afternoon. And then you send it to multiple people. Right.

And you're like, you get all these replies back. So it's just like people thinking of me. People thinking of me. Oh, me, me, me. All right, me. The world's me, me. And it's almost like it's bad on purpose by design, and that's what people like about it, that it looks so rough.

It's garbage. Fuck Snapchat. I'll go on record right now. I don't care who works at that multi-billion dollar corporation. Yo, how's that? Jake Hurwitz coming for you, huh? Yeah. Yo, fuck Snapchat.

Follow me on Instagram. A-J-J-K-L-A-R-A-Z-W-H. At AOL.net, y'all. All right. What is this girl asking for? I swear to God, next week I'll have Snapchat again. Yeah, just hearing about it really just, I'm interested again. Sort of explaining it made me realize I like it.

All right. Advice on this Tinder. Should I give up on Tinder guys completely? Oh, no, but I mean, on Tinder guys completely? Oh, no. But I mean, just keep on doing what you're doing. And as soon as somebody asks you for a nude, block them. And there are normal guys out there. Yeah.

I mean, it's also like the best case scenario. She meets somebody that just wants to fuck her. Like it's nudes. Yeah. Those guys are garbage. But then like you meet if you actually hit it off and you meet somebody, chances are he just wants to sleep with you, no strings attached. But maybe that's what you want too.

And people do get relationships off of Tinder. So if I were you, I would not be on Tinder. But Jake's advice is keep going and you'll find. You're saying delete Tinder? Yeah. That's my advice for any girl. But for every guy, your advice is download Tinder. Right. I mean, in my quote-unquote world where everybody follows my advice, Tinder is obsolete because only guys use it.

Tinder is Grindr. Tinder. Tinder and Grindr merge into one Tinder app. Speaking of guys and their brains, that actually leads pretty well to our last question of the day, which is pretty great. I'll let you read this time. This one comes from someone we'll call New Orleans. New Orleans writes,

Here's my situation. Lately, I've become increasingly bored and subsequently have more time to jack off. I still watch my fair share of porn as much as the typical 20-year-old dude watches, but lately I've been getting into some pretty weird shit. And I'm not referring to weird shit like pregnant porn or anal enema gaping. Instead, I've turned my attention to Tinder.

I swipe right for everybody, maybe 100 every time I take a shit, and periodically throughout the day, when I have nothing to do at work... Fuck. I'm just sorry. I swipe right for everybody, maybe 100 every time I take a shit, periodically throughout the day when I have nothing to do at work. As a pretty good-looking Christian white man, I get my fair share of matches. This is where shit gets weird with me.

I sift through my matches and look for potential targets, i.e. hot girls or at least girls that are decent looking and also give off that vibe that they want or even need, the deacon. Most of my success comes with the latter group. I start off every conversation the same way. Hi, blank, smiley face. What are you up to? Then I slowly escalate the conversation sexually and see how they respond. If they bite, I get their number and it's off to the races.

Soon we are sexting hardcore. Descriptions of what we're going to do, pictures. I've even had a girl send me a vid of her finger blasting the wound that never healed between her legs. Usually I drag this out until I get my nut and then I block the number in my phone and delete it as well as block them on Tinder. I do this about once a week, or whenever the mood strikes me. Sometimes I'm stoned, sometimes I'm completely sober. I have a girlfriend, and a healthy sex life with her, and I have no intention of making contact with any of these girls at any point. Is this cheating?

Should I stop, or just continue my pimp reign on these Tinder hoes? Should I see a doctor? Norlitz. tinder hose should i see a doctor norland yes this is by far the worst person that's ever written to the show right he's a sociopath yeah you're a sociopath but he's insane i i i he calls these girls targets so he already feels like but you're putting him on blast. I absolutely am putting him on blast. You don't have to put him on blast. And then he takes advantage... This is the guy that we're talking about in the last question.

He's sick. You understand? Yeah. He's sick. But? You wouldn't make fun of a deaf person because they couldn't hear, would you? That's a choice.

Pal. This is a choice. It's not a choice. The deaf person didn't choose to eat that. His head ain't on straight. His head ain't on straight, bud. This is you. This is me.

This is you. So am I the worst person that ever hosted a podcast? Maybe. No, this is even more fucked up than anything you've ever done. I think this guy is a piece of shit. He's like Patrick Bateman. He's a sociopath. I would say delete Tinder, lose your phone, and go to jail.

Please, in any order. I don't care. I think you should be at least juvie for this. Usually I drag this out. I mean, all these quotes are, I hope he's trolling us and that this isn't real, because all these quotes are so amazingly terrible. This poor girl that just wrote in like, hey, I really want to meet a guy, but they always ask me for nudes.

What do I do? Should I keep the app? Should I delete Tinder? I target potential victims, and I sex them, make them feel vulnerable. I keep their fucking sex pictures and videos, and then I delete their names and contacts. I drag this out until I get my nut, and then I block the number in my phone and delete it as well as block them on Tinder. He's going to end up matching with one of his girlfriend's friends. And yeah, this like already the first paragraph, second paragraph makes him seem insanely terrible.

And then he ends it with, also I have a girlfriend? Right. Awful. Here's another funny line. Or at least girls that are decent looking and also give off the vibe that they want the deacon. They want or maybe even need the deacon. Nobody needs your deacon. Also, he's like, it's usually the latter group, obviously.

Yeah, no. I don't think smoke shows are sending you those pictures. No smoke shows want slash need the deacon. As a single white Christian male, you're a white supremacist on top of everything how dare you bring religion into this you you racist sociopath you evil evil man what do you use for uh what do you use for the for the main profile picture you got a dog in there dog i want his advice you you look up to him pimp oh my god this sexting casanova yeah you think he's he's a hero to you now sexting really doesn't do it for me it like i i understand

it as like it's like sort of like foreplay it's like an exciting little flirtatious appeal but i would i would never be like all right right, yeah, we sexted. Now goodbye forever. I'd be like, okay, we sexted. Now I need to fuck. Well, he drags us out until he gets his nut. Yeah, I mean, I understand getting a nut. Obviously.

Dude, I'm with you, all right? I get it. Look, Amir's a loser, but I'm cool. This girl's got to get that nut. Yeah, and as a white Jewish male, I get my fair share of matches. But I don't target these people, steal their sexuality, pump them and then dump them. I feel like I've used Tinder in quite a few cities, and I've never, ever, ever felt like a vibe of that I could ask a girl for nude pictures. The goal is always to meet in person.

Right. Fuck off. I mean, the theme of today's episode is that boys are horrible. Guys are terrible, and if you're not terrible, you're already in the top 1%. That's the theme of life. Guys are, girls are so great.

And guys are terrible. worst guys suck men are i'm a feminist i think in a weird way i am a feminist i'm a femme fatale femme nazi some sort of la femme nikita i think i'm a femme. You think you're a robot? Jesus, yeah, guys suck. We're garbage. We're the worst. Girls are thoughtful, smart, kind. Yeah, but the silver lining for the guys listening is that if you are slightly thoughtful, slightly kind,

slightly smart, slightly funny, you're in such a great position. Your competition is so awful. You're in such a great position. Your competition is so awful. You're a rare breed, friends. You're being judged against garbage trash. I don't want everybody to be good. For girls, it's hard to stand out because most girls are nice, kind, compassionate people.

If you're nice, kind, and compassionate, you're an average woman. If you're a nice, kind, compassionate guy, you're nice kind and compassionate you're an average woman if you're a nice kind compassionate guy you're a fucking don juan so you know what guys rule keep acting terrible don juan keep making us look better yeah dude you make me look so good with me or guys in general y'all y'all make us look good you know what i'm saying so how dare you stick your tongue out at the end of the show miley miley all right all right we've done we've done enough we've gone on our little uh exhausted diatribe um until next time thanks so much for listening everyone you can email us

if you find yourself in your own sticky situation Difficult place and need our advice That email address again is IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com We're also still accepting theme song submissions Oh we didn't even mention that the awesome one At the top of the show was written by someone named Rory Powers Shoot we forgot to do that

So check out Rory Powers And we're're gonna end with our favorite the Stoney our remixer extraordinaire version just cause we have a cool little outro

video made by another super fan of ours yeah you're like transcribing the outro it's like I think just let it happen and they'll see it yeah I try to let people

into the process so now here comes a video I will describe it to you and now what i do is press the space bar indicating the end of the show and i'm such an asshole because you do all the work you're gonna edit this after we're done you're already on bourbon street oh my god you have beads where did you get that foot long holy shit i sucked a transvestite's dick. And like while I was doing it, they were like, I'll give you the beads for free. Just let me finish.

You already have a, I'm editing it. Oh, shoot. What did I say? Wasn't trans, somebody wrote in that transvestite was a. Oh, yeah. Transvestite word. Yeah. Transvestite's technically a, what's it called?

A slur? Yeah, a slur. It's called, you're supposed to say transgender. Transsexual. Transgendered. So we're ignorant on that either way I'm slucking this tranny's dick say tranny then people

at least assume you mean transgender or transsexual I mean I obviously like I'm not a hateful like I don't hate on him because I'm blowing him you're holding a yard of margarita I don't even know you're already fucking parting it up I'm sitting at home tweaking the audio levels of this podcast.

But that's fun for you. Yeah. You love audio. Yeah. We're both doing what we love. And it's so different. That's why we get along. Don't touch me.

I tried to put my arm around you. I know. I didn't like that. Rejection. Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. Actually, thank you for listening, everyone. We'll be back on Monday. Peace. Text me. Yeah. All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. Actually, thank you for listening, everyone.

We'll be back on Monday. Peace. Text me. Stop it. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you.

I'll tell you what I would do. If only I were you. Shark.com. That's it. That was our episode. Thank you again to HuluPlus.com for bringing us back

on a Thursday. That's right. On a Thursday, you can go to HuluPlus.com slash Amir for a free extended two-week trial

of, you know, access to watch thousands of TV shows and movies. Sounds good to me. Thanks for listening, guys. Bye.