Segments - 430: Dance Party

Episode Date: April 13, 2020

In this episode we take a trip down memory lane and answer some old questions about travel, tinder, and kittens!For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JA for bonus Thursday video episodes.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. beast lady friend and that's about the time she walked away from me and now i'm lonely and horny who better to get some live tips from than a chipmunk and his best friend gosh if you need

good advice to listen to if i were you listen to if i were you awesome i would love if this just becomes sort of like a blink 182 cover theme song podcast. That would be good for me. Yeah, it seems like that's what's happening. Yeah, and that's trending in the right direction. In an ideal world, this feed would just be nonstop Blink-182 parodies, and we wouldn't even host a show. We would just sort of aggregate the theme songs. Or you would.

Giving me a bit more free time to focus on personal projects. You sort of want carte blanche access to your free time with regards to still making the cash but working less to get that money. Right, because there would be six ad breaks in our Blink-182 aggregate pod. You compile. I'll do some ad reads. I'll obviously have to phone it in a little bit, so you'll need to fix them in post, as it were. The split obviously being between you and I, something like 60-40, 70-30 in my favor. And that will give me time, and it'll give me access.

Sorry, that is so specific and detailed. There's no way you thought of that right now. Like this has been in the works for a little bit, it seems. Yeah, so I have a rollout strategy. I have an Excel. I have a PowerPoint. I have a bit of a, yeah, I've got a game plan, okay? Yeah. This has been, and I've been working on this for some time.

And actually, who wrote that song? Yeah, it's Zach Poole. He was saying. Zach Poole and I have been, yeah, Zach Poole and I have been collaborating on this effort. It's a collab. Yeah, it's a collab. So, yeah. So you and Zach, by the way, he's part of a band called Awkward Days, spelled D-A-Z-E, on Spotify and SoundCloud.

I knew that. Yeah. I knew that. Yeah. So what we're doing is basically a shout out for Blank 182 parodies. Ideally, we can do maybe 15 minutes worth, quick break, two to three ads, another 15, two to three ads, another maybe just a closing thought from you,

just whatever you whip out of your ass ass and then an ad or two. So that way we're really monetizing the hell out of it. Now we're going to want to monetize the hell out of it because the ads, because you want the money, right? Yeah. The cash is in my favor. I have access.

I have control. I just clicked through to their SoundCloud awkward days. It looks like there are a few 18 year olds-olds, a few 19-year-olds. Yeah, there you are. You're their manager or something. That's right. Yeah. So I actually have a pretty sweet deal with awkward days.

I ended up getting them. So I take 90% of whatever they net. Got it. Usually the manager takes 10, But we reversed the shit. And the reason we were able to do that is because I lied. And I said, a manager traditionally takes 90%. And I'm willing to give you a traditional boilerplate deal. And they were like, that seems like a lot.

And I was like, look, this is your chance. And they said, no, we're going to pass. And then I had the power of attorney. So I was able to sign on their behalf or forge their signatures any whom i am getting uh their spotify royalties um it was pretty easy so yeah so that's good um yeah thanks to uh thanks to zach for writing writing that email and i was gonna say and uh appreciate the time you took. Yeah, of course. You're scamming teenagers in me.

I'm a nefarious little troll man. Much like Hugo. Hugo style. All right, we are back in action. You're still upstate. I'm still in LA. We're watching the numbers. Generally quarantining, generally self-isolating,

but this has become the new normal. Yeah, it's weird. My brother asked me today, he's like, where would you go if you could go anywhere? I'm like, I really don't know. I have no clue. It's so normal to just like, to feel like you can't move and to see restaurants and bars just be closed it's hard

to imagine my new scary thing is that i'm getting used to this lifestyle now i'm gonna have some sort of stockholm syndrome when everybody's at a party and i'm like oh i want to i want to zoom in or something i don't want to drive right now yeah i i do i it's hard to imagine like just going into the office like but i think it'd be good i don't know i'm looking forward to those um uh the tests that will tell you if you have the antibodies that's gonna be some good shit that's gonna be it's gonna be like uh that'll be a nice little development right there so you're saying just like a quick little swab and then it's like, oh, by the way,

you had it or you have the secret antibodies. So you don't, you're not at risk. You're asymptomatic. Yeah. That would be awesome. Just to, I guess the only,

the downside would be if I took the test and they're like, yeah, you never had it and you're susceptible. And I'd be like, oh, well inside with me then. And now I'm extra scared. Cause at least like,

I know it's possible right now i'm operating on like 50 scared when i go out because i'm like oh you know what like the silver lining part of my brain is always just like i probably had it or i'm immune like i i live in new york city i would have had it by now you know yeah um but then if i found out i definitely didn't i'd feel a little more vulnerable yeah i'm gonna say i'm gonna go out on a limb and say you probably didn't have it really yeah wow i feel like i did because you would have been like quite ill yeah i guess that's fair but i could have been asymptomatic there are 25 of people uh show no symptoms yeah i don't know i don't know if that's true um but

i'm not willing to look it up so we can claim that yeah that's correct cool no one knows anything yeah um all right i figured since we're still hopped up in our homes we might as well try to answer some more questions for more people real questions still rolling in via email but uh i didn't actually find any questions this episode, unfortunately. And then I thought it would be interesting to play a game. Oh, wait. Oh. Are you really isolating with fucking Game Boy? Yeah, so me and the Game Boy, because the Game Boy,

he actually went to, he was in mainland China for a little bit. So he came back and he quarantined at my house. Oh my God. So maybe you did get sick. probably did the game boy definitely had it yeah the game boy was sort of out of commission for 16 days a deep cough high nausea fevers no it sounds like so he's a robot but he can still get human illnesses. Essentially. That's how fucking powerful this thing is. The nice thing about the Game Boy is that now we're going to be able to search for questions that aren't Corona-themed. And we can stop thinking about the fucking thing for a little bit. Oh, I see. Like questions from Old World.

Yeah. Old World. The Better World. That's cool. A simpler time. When the big issue was just like someone not doing their dishes and they live with you. Yeah, when gaiety ruled the day. The deity. All my advice is going to be, yeah, just don't fucking worry about it because you're living in a time and place where you don't have to stay inside or an invisible enemy might kill you next. Oh, this person's dead. We don't have to answer that question. All right. So do you want to search for a specific word?

Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, that's the game. Oh! I'll say the word legalese. Legalese? Legalese. Wow. I don't speak legalese. The way lawyers speak.

I'd like a legal drama, a procedural right now. That's a comforting format. This is insane. I've never experienced this before, but I searched legalese. And you have won the game. Oh my God. Oh my God. There's literally one?

Very a spam. It's just one real question from 2014. Is it unread? Use the word legalese. No other email in our inbox has that word in it. I've won the game. I can finally die. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Splash. The Game Boy exploded into a semen ghost and rose to heaven uh all right let's get this uh let's see what this person wrote in uh october of 2014 before trump was president jesus christ what a world october of 2014 what kind of problems did this person could this person have actually had what was wrong in his life uh yeah this is six years ago hey jake and amir i'll just get down to brass tacks and make it simple i'll cut to the

chase and leave out the legalese japanese bullshit okay i think legally i think legally is japanese is from a jake and amir right Yeah, so that's how I knew it. Wow, okay. There's this kid I know from school who's a bit of a pain in my side, a thorn in my paw, if you will. He's a year my younger and a grade below me. I have no problem with lower grades and have friends in every grade. I do, however, have problem with annoying people. You see, last year I sat at my regular lunch table with my friends, and we'd, as we've done since freshman year,

I'd always welcome anyone who wanted to join us, especially if they normally sat alone. But one day, one boy decided to sit with us and begins talking away. This is fine at first, but great after about a week. Every time he saw me in the hall, he'd squeal, Hey, Zach! We didn't give this guy a fake name because I assume he's no longer with us. To all around to hear and look at me with those judgmental teenager eyes. He'd do this just to annoy me as he made it so abundantly clear.

After the year ended, it was fine. Come this year, problems start again. He continues his squealing techniques and starts following me down the halls to my class. I just started ignoring him and pretending he didn't exist, hoping he'd get the message, but he didn't. In fact, he sent me one of his own over Facebook, which I accepted. Sorry, one of his sent many of his own over Facebook, which I accepted his request for reasons I'm still not sure of. Here's a transcript of his messages. Hi. Hi. Hi.

Why don't you answer me? Hi. Respond, God Danny. And then ask for his damn, damn it. I'm sure you can see, I'm sure you can see how this be an issue. I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he bothers me. What can I do to make it clear that I don't want him to talk to me?

With warm regards, Zachary. Zachary. Oh, man, what a wonderful bomb this email is. Can you imagine a problem so inconsequential as somebody who annoys you when they sit with you at lunch? My God. A 45-minute nuisance on the daily, five days a week, of course. Yeah. I mean, I understand how that was a problem in old world when you could have a table of friends eating lunch, but that is, it's not a factor these days, Zach. Yeah, that'd be nice. They can just sort of sit next to you while you eat food.

That must be nice. I guess, well, let's answer this question for the future when people forgot that this has ever happened. For when the robots are digging through the remnants of society and they have awkward lunches and they want to listen to this podcast and figure out how to tell their friends that they don't want to see them. What do you do? Did you ever have annoying people in your high school tracking you, following you, messaging you? Yes, definitely. I feel like in high school I was like, I had this, I like wasn't popular, but I was like a goofy, funny kid. So like the popular kids got a kick out of me and let me hang around with them sometimes.

But it wasn't like I was fully embraced and, and had a place to sit at the lunch table. So I kind of like existed in two or like in multiple worlds. Really. I also had friends in like my, the hometown I grew up in and I went to a different high school. So I don't know. It definitely rings true to me that I was like friends with people in school

that I didn't really like that much out of necessity. So I didn't have to sit alone at a lunch table. Right. So what did you do? I think I feel like I did what anybody in high school would do like this guy and just like kind of ignored the people that annoyed me when they annoyed me. Interesting. High school seems like a, it's, if this was happening in college or post-college, I feel like people are like ready to have conversations. But it's, I can't imagine being like 16 and being like, hey, I think you're cool, but you're just a little much,

so you gotta like turn it back down to like a six from from this 11 right i never had any like annoying people following me but i would like annoyingly follow people around so i was you were the guy and a nuisance to people and people sort of usually for the most part kept away from me i guess because i exuded an air of quiet confidence about myself but a lot of times my friends would have to sit down and joke around with me like, hey, I'm going to need you to take it down to a six or you're creeping us out. We don't feel comfortable eating lunch with you right now anymore. I would laugh.

That doesn't sound like a joke at all. There's nothing silly about it. We don't feel comfortable eating lunch with you anymore? Well, I was wondering if it was the quiet confidence thing or if it was like what was quiet about your confidence it sounded like you said you were following people around and bothering them because i was very i was thin and pale that year so like i was often like greasy and pale and i would like i was the kid who wore shorts even though it was like 48 degrees and drizzling and they're like what's wrong with amir and i'm like i would do characters so i'd be like oh i'm a weirdo but i would do that for

like two years straight you also had like this back knee that would pus out of your shirt right like your shirt would often be wet and it would look like sweat stain but it was like it was actually back grease yeah i had back knee i had rack knee so that's like all over my chest and i had b cups that year and then i also had iknee, so on my knees was little acne. I remember your acne, this is what you told me when you started at College Tumor, your acne was so bad that you couldn't wear, your back knee and your chest knee was so bad, your rash knee was so bad, you couldn't wear a backpack. So you had, you had like, you pushed your books in a stroller at school.

Well, what ended up happening, it got onto there. So I had backpack knee. So, like, my entire backpack was covered in this rash. And then I also had back knee on the back of my knee. So I had back knee, back knee, which is, like, you know, where you, like, where you sort of bend your leg. There's, like, the back of your knee is kind of uh bend your leg there's like the back of your knee is kind of sweaty and swamp the back of your knee had acne on it it was bad yeah it said back knee back knee and then i also had sack knee which is not i was gonna say yeah it's on my testicles

right well you think that's kind of what it sounds like well it's inside the scrotum right okay you said people didn't want to but you also and you also like annoyed people because this is all really like physical stuff and you i mean you sound um appalling of course but you also said you had a quiet confidence and you would be a dick link and a nuisance for years yeah for two years i did this bit where i would have a really loud voice so like whenever someone would talk to me or call on me at school, I would scream at the top of my lungs kind of like as a bit. And everyone, like, was in on it.

So, they'd roll their eyes and be like, what's wrong with this kid? Why is he here? He shouldn't be here. I guess his parents. Does that sound like they're in on it? Or does that sound more like they didn't like it? Right? Because, like.

Yeah, that was the bit that they didn't like it what's that really did you think that was funny was that a funny part of the bit to you no it's like i would play along so i'd be like sad and like talk to the i would eat lunch with the principal right so like how long did this how long did this bit last was it all through high school yeah from like 90 i want to say from 99 to to 2002. So yeah, that's all through high school, right? And then bleeding into college, I would like, yeah, have lunch with my high school principal. But he had SACME too. So he had something in common.

It was a woman. Oh my God, you're sexist. Holy shit. How did this story, how did this whole entire thing reflect negatively on me in the end and it really did the doctor was in and she was a phd in education and i resent the accusation that she had what was it Grow a fucking pear. Did we tell Zach what he should do? I guess ignore this guy? I wonder if he has Zachney, which is acne

all over his person. Zach, yeah. I think he can ignore this. I think he can stay the course. Or like respond to every like sixth Facebook message. Like it it's true you're not always available if people are like i know you're seeing this like hey hey hey say hi to me like i see that you said hi but i'm doing other shit you know you don't have to be at someone's beck

and call yeah ignoring it like he's doing could help probably not responding to his facebook messages would be ideal keeping him keeping it at an arm's length right at least keeping it to an in-person thing and then when he says hi to you in school you can be like hey i gotta run just always kind of have an excuse in your back pocket and i feel like he'll get the hint eventually yeah i just i don't want to be mean to the kid but like if he's doing it to annoy you on purpose you can ignore him but if he's doing it just because he's kind of a weirdo, maybe you can have a serious conversation about how to make him a little less annoying. Yeah, if that's the case, I would maybe talk to a teacher and they'll be better at it than us. Yeah. All right, let's take a break and we'll see if I can possibly win the game after

that gosh darn hole-in-one lead-off home run. Legalese. Amazing. Legalese. We'll be back after these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that,

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology?

Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description,

or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other

and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z.

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Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming! Gross. No, not this week, but I do think you do, right? Yeah. A little tip slash trick that's self-isolation adjacent. If you work in sometime during your day, one to two songs worth of dancing, it sort of pushes aside any level of dread slash ennui you might be feeling because it's hard to be sad while you're dancing to a song you like. Interesting. And you have been doing this?

No, I've only done it once to one song this morning. And I was like, Oh, I remember this sensation, like singing along and moving my hands and legs to a rhythm. It felt very alien in these times, but good to experience on the day. What was the song? It was Body Movin' by Beastie Boys. And did you like hear about this dancing thing and then decide to give it a try? Or did you like stumble upon it? You started dancing, you realized you were happy. No, I knew about dancing just because in general I know what dancing is.

Yeah, so then I was like, oh, that's interesting. And then Avital was playing the song, or she's like, let's dance to a song. And I was like, okay, sort of skeptical at first. And then she says, what song? And I said, Body Moving, because the idea was that my body would be moving. And then I was like, oh, I like this song. I know this song and I'm dancing to a song. Like, okay.

It's kind of like, I liken it to a, they say when you're sad, just smile. And it's like tricks your brain into thinking that you're happy. So it, it releases serotonin. So it's like that plus music plus movement. So it's like exercise things get flowing and it worked yeah at least for the minutes that i was dancing i'm like oh this is nice it's sort of like i sort of like retreated back into old world ideology and did it have lasting benefits like for the next hour or two did you feel fine did you feel nice or was it sort of just like

right back into the lull yeah i think i think it had some lasting um effects but i haven't tracked it scientifically yet right but you're not feeling like right now you're not feeling like you danced this morning now i am because i'm talking about it. But earlier, like 14 minutes ago, I wasn't maybe subconsciously like, oh, I danced earlier today. So that means today was a happier day for me. Yeah, that's nice. That seems pleasant. Remember when we were in Berlin? Oh, yeah, just in general?

Yeah. Well, just thinking about dancing, I'm remembering that me, you, and Marty went to some awesome hip-hop dance party and got so sweaty on a huge dance floor. We were the only American people there. It was great. That was the opposite of what the last month was like it was traveling plus strangers plus foreign plus

sweating on people slash being carefree and joy yeah we just had like so many sweaty friends you know that like dance move where they you just sort of like pretend to clear a big area for someone to dance. Yeah, and they fake breakdance. I saw you posted something on your Instagram story, which is you climbing into Dave Rosenberg's shirt on a dance floor a year ago. Yeah. You're like, remember when we used to be able to do this? Yeah, it was fun god dancing getting really close to i mean not i mean i don't get close to strangers on the dance floor anymore but

i did i would climb into a rosenberg shirt you better believe i think it was actually jeff whose shirt i climbed into oh okay sorry it was kind of dark on the dance floor plus they're twins so it's hard for me to tell the difference yeah plus i shrunk the video put that paris filter it was dark yeah you'd really you'd have to you'd have to be a really a rosenberg kind of sort of no but anyway that's something i'm looking forward to dancing with buddies again that'll be fun that'll be a good time you know you can dance by yourself let me know how it goes yeah it's funny because like i'm i know that i would feel joy if i moved and danced and was smiling it seems like the kind of thing that would have to be like by surprise like the way avital was like let's dance and then you do

like to me right now being like oh yeah i'll try dancing like that feels sadder to me in this moment than just lying on a couch yeah you want someone else to force you to dance i want to be surprised with it so you can't be the one you have you have to have somebody else in your house do it i guess i could do it to someone else because then it'll give them the joy that's cool you can be you could be the one that surprises them yeah that's that's right. Okay, I'll do that. All right, I got a word to search. All right.

So, summon the Game Boy. Oh, did someone say game? Yeah, I guess I did. My word that I'm searching for is gnocchi. Ooh, interesting. It's tough to spell a little bit, too. This is insane man i don't know if i did something weird or if i'm searching by only unread messages but again this is really a single email from 2014 it's crazy holy shit the game boy has had a simultaneous orgasm tonight. This is ridiculous. People don't know how rare this is,

but I searched gnocchi. It's just one email, unread, 2014. Same with legalese. That is... And for both of... Yeah, same episode. That's crazy. Also...

Miracles still exist in this world. Oh my God, I'm dancing. I should have danced to the Blink song. All right. This lady, again, don't need to preserve her anonymity because, again, she's a half decade older by this point. Allison writes, this is a pretty specific Tinder question, but I'm hoping you guys can help me out. I currently work as an au pair in Rome and I got Tinder at your recommendation. Seriously, they should be paying you.

That's right. I mostly use it to practice writing Italian as I right swipe every Italian dude, and it's an immediate match. But every now and then a cute backpacker, usually Aussie or American, will pop up, and I'm tempted to actually go meet them. Here's where my moral dilemma happens. They always seem a lot more interested when I tell them I'm Italian, and even more when I say something like, well, I've never been with an American before. It's like shooting gnocchi into a pasta pot.

What? I don't even get that. I don't know either, but I'm glad she used that metaphor. Yeah, she is. She clarifies, basically, I don't want to be another boring Canadian girl in Italy, and my accent is flawless, so is this an okay thing to do since I'll never see them again? They get a great story to take home and tell their friends that they hashtag nailed an Italian chick while they were in Rome, or is pretending to be foreign a moral no-go? I mean, really, I just want my cannoli filled and then send them on their way.

Any advice would be hashtag dope. So she's a Canadian living in Italy. And they're like, hey, how's it going? And she's posing as an Italian. That's right. I just want my cannoli filled is maybe my favorite like metaphor for sex i've ever heard yeah that's great um yeah this one feels like one of those weird things where like if it was a dude doing it i would be creeped out but since

it's a girl it seems like it's fine yeah it's okay to lie to guys to sleep with them. I bet they don't mind. You're Canadian? You slept with me under false pretenses. Yeah, it's hard to imagine a dude being very upset if they found out after the fact. Right. And especially because this has already happened, I say keep doing it. Yeah, I'm sure you did. But also, I bet that they wouldn't not sleep with you if they found out you were Canadian. Right. You're saying that even if you told them the truth, it wouldn't change your mind.

Yeah. I think it's going to be the same whether you tell the truth or whether you lie. So I guess do whatever is more fun. And also, you already did this, and congratulations. Way to go. I'm going to respond to these people and ask them for an update six years after the fact. That's a fun idea. A real follow-up pup. That pup is now a dog. A follow-og dog.

A follow-along dong. All right, do you have another word to search i don't know man i feel like this is such a perfect game do we really want to do we want to mess it up don't we want to just like go out on this fucking w or or should i come up or should i just come up with a word that they'll also be only one of oh my god can you imagine three in a row i mean two was absurd but three that's not gonna happen right lily pad has one word oh is lily pad two words that doesn't count that wasn't a pitch it wasn't a pitch it wasn't a pitch i was talking about something different um you can actually still throw a ball in a perfect game you're right you can even hit a batter in a perfect game can't you oh no wait that's just

a no hitter yeah perfect game is no one on base okay um let's do um um oh fuck god damn it god damn it this is so there's so much pressure this is we can we can brainstorm too like i can pitch you some ideas okay yeah let's let's let's make it a group effort that'll take a little bit of the pressure off yeah something normal but not we also we have a food and we have like uh a law thing yeah so what's i was was trying to think of something in nature. That's why I said lily pad, but maybe there's something. What about engraving?

That is interesting. I feel like that might yield spam. More than, oh, like, yeah. So it wouldn't be quite a perfect game, but still,

if there's only one question, we'll still allow it to be a no hitter. Yeah, that's true. But let's, let's let's brainstorm for two more seconds at least your your pitch is engraving yeah mine will be and really take your time here ember e-m-b-e-r yeah all right e-m-b-e-r oh no i think that's gonna be bad i think there's gonna be a lot of them actually i haven't searched it yet search well let's we'll let's go head to head right now okay

if you want to go engraving you'd go engraving okay yeah not quite. What do you mean not quite close? There's a lot? 15 emails, nine from Apple, three answered, and then three unanswered. Fucking horseshoe. That's one word. I think horseshoe is one word. Okay. How'd I do? Yes.

Horseshoes was in an email. that count oh i don't know because it didn't yield a result yeah wait did it yield one result one red result yes wow but not just one only one like one oh it's one result that was red yes but it was horses a single email yeah i mean i'll take that i think that's a i think that's like a a lowercase w i'm counting it yeah especially because horseshoe is one word that's right hold on because lily pad is one word really no wait is it no it's not just sort of if you search something on the internet, it will show you an incorrect spelling of it. Right. Okay.

That's the beauty of the internet. You can just sort of pump it full of fake news just to see what happens. That's right. Okay. I spelled it wrong with multiple L's as well. Anyway, go ahead. Avery writes, Hey Jake, I need a texting Casanova and a real life Casanova for this one.

This one Cali hipster smoke show girl tweeted at me calling me a cutie. We are now texting. I'm into her and she is into me. Now for the first hurdle, the first date. I have a pretty good plan of a game of horseshoes. Did someone say game? Horseshoes? Oh!

In the back, followed by a movie. The only thing I'm having trouble with is asking her out. Should I text her or should I do it in person? How can I go about this? Help me, Jake. P.S. She is queen of the hipsters. Why does he keep specifying that she's a hipster queen? There's no such thing. Wait, how does he know this person?

She DM'd him, I guess. She dm'd him they've been messaging he wants to ask her out yeah how is should i do it in person how the hell are you gonna ask her out in person yeah you don't have to do it in person she dm she's online flirting with you i think you definitely don't have to do it in person text her well not now wait till we're done isolating but yeah after that yeah again this email is seven years old but i'll reach out and be like hey i think you should text her oh yeah we're married with three kids by now awesome that'd be awesome how it goes i guess you're welcome sorry for the delay let us know what happens and we'll get back to you in 2027 wow yeah i think that yeah you definitely you definitely text we're past the point where we're asking someone out has to be

done in person or like you know there was like that debate like oh yeah like he asked me out but it was over text do you remember that yeah back in the day when texting was wasn't basically the equivalent of speaking to someone yeah i also remember being like reading uh tinder messages and and people being like sort of weirded out that they were going to meet someone from online and now that's like just so normal yeah uh i have an insane update for you absolutely epic slash savage did you email one of these people and they already responded no but i finally searched ember which we didn't search and it's one unread email from 2014 i would i hate oh good lord i can't believe we didn't search that one. I would have assumed something was broken with our Gmail

or I was searching by emails from 2014 that haven't been read. Like it's literally all emails from 2014, one of them, and then never since all unread. But Ember comes up because that's, well, I'll read this email because it was a, it's a cat name basically. Oh, oh, interesting. I really felt like Ember was going a cat name, basically. Oh, interesting. I really felt like Ember was going to yield more results. God damn, that's awesome.

All right, tell me. Lizette writes, This summer I have been volunteering at my city's local animal shelter. In other words, I'm spending all of my free time playing with a bunch of kittens, and there's this one little tuxedo cat who is literally my soul kitten. I need this kitten. I even named him. He's got a little white diamond on his head, so I named him Neil. That's right, but I have a problem. I already have a cat that we adopted eight years ago, and my dad is pretty strict about not getting another pet. I don't understand why.

If he's afraid of the commitment of having another animal around for 10 years, then he shouldn't worry because I'll be graduated from college in three years and I'll be taking the cats with me when I move out. He said that his current cat, Ember, will flip out if we get a new cat. But I've read that if you get a younger cat of the opposite gender, your current cat will adjust much faster. Apparently, if you have a female cat and bring home a young kitten, the cat will usually mother the kitten. So here's what my friend and I are thinking. Since I can't persuade my dad to let us adopt another cat, I'm going to just adopt the kitten behind my parents' back. My mom will totally love a new kitten. She's just saying no because of my

dad. So my question is, what do you think I should do once I get the cat? Should I make up some story about how nobody wanted this kitten? They were going to euthanize it if I didn't take it. Should I tell them to stop being asses and let me keep the damn kitten since I'll be moving out in just a couple of years? You don't understand. I seriously need this kitten. What should I tell them so that I can keep this beautiful kitten? Thank you for the help. She needs the kitten. Yeah, you need the kitten. It's so funny to be like, why are you upset? I'm going to be moving out in a couple of years.

It's only three years. You'll only have something. You'll only have a pet you don't want for a couple of years. God, that's such a long time. Have you ever lived with a cat? I've never lived with a cat. Yeah, when I was a kid, we had like seven cats at one time. Jesus.

Yeah, they seem like hamsters, just not in a cage. You don't have to do much to a cat yeah when i was a kid we had like seven cats at one time jesus yeah they seem like very they seem like hamsters just not in a cage like you don't have to do much to a cat right i feel like if you already have one cat another cat really doesn't like up the ante that much like you're already cleaning out a litter box you're already putting out cat food you've got cat fur on your stuff so it's not like i can i can imagine a resistance from going no cat or to cat you know yeah uh yeah so i'm saying she should i'm pro her getting the cat and i think she should lie say that it was going to be euthanized she rescued the cat then she's a little bit of a hero in her parents eyes it's literally

her save the cat moment yeah exactly what do you think yeah i feel like you can hide the cat then she's a little bit of a hero in her parents eyes it's literally her save the cat moment yeah exactly what do you think yeah i feel like you can hide the cat in your room specifically right like cats they almost like to be enclosed right you're not supposed to take a cat outside if you just keep her in the room weeks can go by before your parents even find out yeah well i mean there are outdoor cats but i can't i get your point and i think that could definitely work i feel like i did something like that when I was a kid. I feel like that's definitely like a sitcom thing where like kids hide the animals from their parents. Yeah.

And then it's like, wait a minute. What is this kitten? But I fell in love with it. I can't return it now. Well, definitely email her. I want to find out. I want to see a photo of this cat i feel like she took the cat yeah i took the cat now she's three years into college with the cat she's

a senior in college let's see it what if i email her and the cat writes back you think neil would write back hey this is the cat i heard what you said about the euthanized shit you think it's funny to joke about my demise i know i was just a kitten but now i'm a fully formed adult male cat and i'm gonna kick your ass blumenfeld did i ever tell you the story about how i choked on a cat's tail once no oh we're actually it looks like we're out of time i'll say it for how did you i thought it was yeah it was like cats it got tail in your mouth it got like wrapped up with something else that i was like uh somebody did like a cat's tail was a hot dog and gave it

to me in high school i was like i was kind of treated like... Yeah. Not a hero. What's the opposite? A fucking scoundrel? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they would take cats and sort of use them to troll me in a way. And I ended up...

You were so unpopular that they would try to trick you into eating cat's tails. Where did you go to high school? No, I was saying that we ran out of time, so I can't get into it too much. You got into it pretty deep. You said that you were treated badly in high school, then the kids tricked you into eating cats. That's, I don't know what else we need to learn.

I don't want that to be the takeaway here. I don't know how it could be. Didn't your principal ever try to stop? What did he say to those kids? Well, he was eating like a microwave dinner. So like he was looking down and I was like eating. I was like, oh, that's funny. But I think I said it to myself.

This is like a fuzzy hot dog or something like that. And I ended up eating most of it. But like by the time i got to the base of it i had to like that's like where the you did devour a cat yeah okay so you're a you're a catable you like that that's good like a cannibal but for a cat yeah that's right that's right and you think that's golden mike worthy but none of my bits were you fucking tortured a cat as a teen yeah you get a turdy for that you get a turdy for cat nice if i didn't already take the golden mic you would have got a you wouldn't you would have gotten one for that pun this week that was really good that was quick you can give away two right

i can get two you can get two in a once you got one you can be showered with them but you can't have a dual golden mike you can have multiple turdies uh and you'll actually get a second turdy for not knowing the fucking rules another two turdy episode for blumenfeld and for you i only got the one golden mike but i only really needed the one golden mike and i think that me being so humble in that regard almost is golden mike worthy but i won't give myself a second golden mike not so late in the game and that's actually double the humble for that for that double humble double humble is a golden mike so i'm going to take

two but i'm going to be humble about it and it's not a big deal i'm honored it's not what it's about but it means a lot it's it's everything but it's not why i do it it's i this happens it's a it's a byproduct of me um leaving it all out there on the field when it comes to this podcast doing it for the love of the cast and i appreciate the golden mics i appreciate the fans who are you talking to you gave yourself the award for being humble who are you fucking thanking right now i didn't i didn't give myself an award for being humble i did it for being double humble double humble i refused the word i refused the award twice no you didn't you accepted two i accepted the first one because you have to award accepted the first one

because you have to award one the second one I didn't want because I wasn't going to take it just for being humble and then I was going to take it but I was like it's too late in the game it's too late to award a second golden mic and I feel like me honoring that rule so hard after refusing

it the first time that was double mic worthy golden mike worthy excuse me you're dumbble you're double humble yeah dumbble that's a good pun i would honestly give you a golden mic for that if it wasn't so late in the game you can't have you can't have a mike a golden mike awarded this late this late in the show you just gave yourself a second one this late in the game for not accepting it, which is like a fucking paradox. Well, that was like two minutes ago. That was like two minutes ago.

It was late in the game, but it wasn't like under the wire. Plus, you already have two turdies this episode, so you can't get the golden mic. So take one of the turdies away. I don't think that you can do that. What are you talking about you're literally making up the rules as you talk and you're saying i don't think you can do you don't have to think you have to say it yeah no i don't think you can i don't think you can eliminate a turdy but even if even if we did at this stage you'd still have a turdy standing in your name for this episode so

i just don't know what it what it buys you and i don't think it's worth changing the rules for it that's sweet all right thank you yeah wow thanks that was pretty gracious of you i'd give you a golden mic if uh they were yeah if it wasn't too late in the game i know if it wasn't too late in the game to have been awarded you already have two two turdies, yada, yada, yada. You already know? Yes, I do already know. All right. You prick.

What? The opening theme song was written by Zach, that Blink-182 cover, of course. And this closing one is written by Trey. He's a big fan. And his brother, oh, no, my brother Trey showed it to me three years ago, and he wanted to submit a song. This is Lucas Piscitelli. Okay. My artist name is Lucas, but spelled with that A that's attached to an E.

What are those? Oh, it's like a Gaelic thing, right? Yeah, so Lucas, but it's like L-U-K-A-E-S. Luka. Yeah, or his Instagram, lupiscatelli. So thanks to Lucas. Thanks to Zach. Thanks to you guys for listening.

Keep sending emails and theme songs to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. Keep staying inside. Keep staying quarantined. Wash your hands. Be healthy. Be happy. That's right.

Dance. Yeah, start dancing. We have more we have yeah start dancing we have more if i were you um uh on our patreon patreon.com slash j a every thursday that's right see y'all next week later I been run down two weeks Self-centered piece of shit Rick, watch out You're a microscopic fleck of dirt, dude You're awful, you're an awful, ugly person I done looked back too many times I done scratched out too many rhymes I done looked back too many times I done looked back too many

And I am, I think I been so fucking done, yeah, yeah And I've been finished with them once, yeah, yeah, yeah Tell them once, yeah, yeah, yeah, tell them once And I am, I am, I am, I am the one And I am, I am, I am, I am the one You burn my life with sin And I am, I am the one. That was a HeadGum Podcast.