Segments - 431: Scam Girls

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

In this episode we discuss jealousy, iced coffee, and Middleditch and Schwartz coming to Netflix this week!For more IF I WERE YOU check out our Patreon.com/JASee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle.

Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. I'll get advice from two coy Jews And she said that I'm not the one that she thinks about And she said she thought it was come dirt in the bath She said submit the questions that you think you should ask The only advice podcast Don't leave me all alone

Just plug in your headphones and I'll be fine. You will be fine, you fucking asshole. That was good. Yeah. No, that's Tom DeLonge's line from the Mark, Tom, and Travis show, Blink-182's live album. So after they play that song, which is Don't Leave Me Off of, I believe, Enema of the State, and Travis show, Blink-182's live album. So after they play that song, which is Don't Leave Me Off of, I believe, Enema of the State, Mark sings the finishing bar, and Tom echoes, You Will Be Fine, You Fucking Asshole.

That's nice. That's nice for Tom. That's nice for us. And that was written by- It's nice for Mark, and it was nice for Travis on the day. It was written by Jack Marshall, long-time listener, first-time baller. He is a baller. Whoa. He heard we were looking for some more Blink, obviously, so enjoy Greetings from Brisbane.

I was going to make a joke that they were recording that album in Brisbane. Damn, I wish I did now. Yeah, now the coincidence will always have been after the fact tried to shoehorn it in, but it would have been cool. Just say it. I'll edit it in earlier.

Really? Yeah. Okay. Mark, Tom, and Travis. Mark. Oh, fuck. Mark, Tom, and Travis show. Okay.

P.S. If you could be so kind, I do a weekly podcast with a fellow stand-up comedian down here called beer shark and we would love a shout out to that so shout out to beer shark shout out to beer shark that was a really good cover at first i thought it was the real song yeah which would have been fine i would have played that i would have just played the song it sounded really good it did it really

did it sounded musically interesting the voice was nice i mean i can sort of relate to how good the voice is i could relate not far from a voice that i think is good how fucked up is that how sad is that it sounds like kind of like the simple plan guy's voice who is like essentially i think doing an impression of the newfound glory guy yeah everyone's doing an impression of an impression it started with john lennon and then because you're playing telephone so often by the 38th iteration it's hey guys there's something in the bathroom that's that is tom's voice and it's so fucking soothing to me i think we talk about tom's voice a lot but again i have to ask you tom's just at home with his wife or whatever and he's like hey uh so for

breakfast i was like does he actually talk like that like do you guys want oatmeal or is that like a singing affectation i think he i think he hams it up for the singing but i think that's like that's i think that's his like accent you know but you've seen like interviews with him i'm sure yeah i've seen but i've seen like the like the urethra chronicles like the old blank 182 uh self-made documentary yeah and that's but yeah when he has like when he does like the interviews about the alien stuff which i find a little a little depressing i don't like watching those but uh yeah i think that's kind of his voice you don't like watching them because it's like you think he's kind of right and you don't want to admit to yourself that there's life on other planets

so like why are we living on ours um that's not entirely it I guess I haven't explored whether I think he's right or not. I don't think he's right, I guess. Would you say the truth is out there? I'd say the truth is out there. Yeah. I would say he's out there. I mean, he's an astronaut himself. He's not an astronaut.

No, obviously not. Astronauts are, you know, trained physical physicists. He does go to space. He goes to space. He's just not NASA astronaut. Can you be an astronaut if you're not NASA? Yeah. Because Russians, they called cosmonauts.

Right. And I don't know what was, why was that different? Yeah. Why is the, or is that the American term for a Russian astronaut? Because they don't speak English unless the cosmonaut is like an Americanized version of a Russian word word but it's the same the n-a-u-t at the end is the same it's they're just going into the cosmo and we're going into the astro and what does not mean because it's also like it's night right not and yeah what else ends with n-a-u-t dread not yeah fear not anyway you're drinking starbucks i'm drinking phil's coffee life is trending back to normal or at the very least we're forcing it to be that way

there are little tiny little perks of old society that you can cling on to i am tasting a starbucks coffee feels instead of walking to one what did you have to do to obtain yours? I had to drive 30 minutes to one, go through the drive-thru, and was handed a coffee by someone wearing gloves and a mask, and I was wearing gloves and a mask. So it doesn't feel quite like

going into Starbucks in Old World, but the familiar taste is the same. And now that I'm home drinking it, it brings me back to better days. How about you? Yeah, I got Philz, which is one of my favorite coffees, maybe my favorite coffee in LA. And because I couldn't have it for a month or was at the very least too afraid to go out and get it, and maybe I still should be, the fact that I have it once in 38 days means it's more special. It feels better. Yeah, that's true. Did you, how did you get it? Did you walk into it?

It was pretty interesting. I ordered it online, which is how I normally do. But instead of going into the store, it's blocked off. And then there's just my coffee sitting there in the middle of an empty fills. I'm like, oh, that's my coffee. And then somebody again, wearing like a hazmat suit gives it to me. I'm wearing a mask and a glove and I take it like it's a sample of contaminated virus that I'm not supposed to get within six feet of. And then I just start, I go to drink. I'm like, wait a minute, I'm wearing a mask. I can't drink it yet. So I have to drive it to a safe place, wash my hands, and then sort of affix my lips to the opening of the lid. I'm like, wait a minute. Did that just undo everything that I've done?

I'm wearing a glove, and now I'm just sucking down this plastic top. The guy at Phil's is still just not wearing a glove or a mask at all. It's just this greasy teenager coughing into my drink. Yeah, seeing that you were drinking it directly from the plastic lid on, I would have put it in a glass. I think I would have put it in a glass. I think I would have put it in a glass. You're dead now. Is it not still traveling through the plastic? Is it not being held into the cup?

I have no idea. I really don't. Do I try to minimize the amount of receptacles it's been in? If I pour it into a glass, what if the glass has it? Right. Anything's possible. Anything's probable. Everything's bad. But at least the coffee's good. When you went to Starbucks,

did you also get food because you could? I actually did not get food. You didn't get your classic croissant? No, I did not. But I had gotten it before this at another Starbucks drive-thru. So it hasn't,'t like i haven't not had starbucks for 30 days yeah you're still i think it's maybe been like two and a half weeks you know what i got yesterday for the first time we're talking real risky shit well i feel bad even talking about this shit what did you do i went to a fucking whorehouse oh god yeah that's really bad that's really bad even in like yeah i mean that's bad bad. That's really bad. That's really risky. Yeah. I mean, that's bad behavior even when there's no pandemic.

That's just bad all the time for you to go to a whorehouse. It wasn't even for sex. I went to get a receipt. For another time when you had gone there to have sex? For tax purposes. Yeah. Because you had blown a lot of headgum's income. We have to count it against it as like a research expense or something.

No, what I actually did was I ordered sugarfish sushi to be picked up. And you're saying that's risky because sushi is like handmade. Yeah, handmade raw fish. I'm not heating it up. I'm just taking it, opening the box and eating sushi. I haven't had sushi since like February. Yeah, not heating it up. I'm just taking it, opening the box and eating sushi. I haven't had sushi since like February. Yeah, I haven't either. But I'm not sure that I would be like, I guess I've like avoided takeout kind of in general. But I think I would not be like,

more afraid to eat sushi versus any other takeout. And I'm wondering if that's not really happening in like New York City right now. Or people are like not just going to a sushi place and getting takeout yeah is that like more of a lax california thing right now it must be i don't know i feel like sushi wise they've always been like pretty uh good about like cleanliness you know like it is yeah prepared by hand and served raw so i would trust their standards more so than like Chipotle, which is a place that has gotten people sick many times. Even before Corona. Yeah.

Well, that was, I ate it Thursday, April 16th. So if you guys hear me coughing on Thursday, April 23rd, or in a hospital on Thursday, April 30th. You'll know why. Right. But for now, we are recording a podcast just like we always are. If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Josh. And as of now, we're still healthy. Still fine. Which is the most you can ask for in this crazy world. You sent me some questions. I did.

I sure did. Not once you wrote, but once that you found. Yes, I didn't have any questions for you, but I did find some in our email. Ooh, I like this one called dumb investment. Yes. Yes, indeed. Okay.

I am like Jeffrey the dumbass says, we'll call this guy Jeffrey. I love that this, well, you'll see, but I love that this guy calls this thing an investment. Okay. Right off the bat, he's not even smart enough to know what an investment is. All right. I met a bitch on Tinder who said she liked my hot ass profile pic. She was a dime piece beauty, so I added her on Facebook. After we talked a bit, she told me

she was a cam girl. Very nice. And she wanted to invite me to see her. At first, I was a bit skeptical, as one would be, but after she said it was free, I agreed to join. When she sent me the link to her website, it wanted my credit card information, but it still said it was free. After I agreed to register to the website using my credit card information, I couldn't even find her on it. After that, she sent me the link to another website who asked for my card information that I ended up giving. This happened three times total, and I could never find her on any of the websites, and that's when I gave up. Good man. After a while, when I checked my mobile bank, my card had been charged from three mysterious sources, of course.

The cost was around $90 in total, obviously. I quickly understood that this must have been from the websites, right, that I gave my credit card information to, and I started complaining and sending emails to cancel the account and giving me my money back. I haven't gotten any responses yet, naturally, and I am worried that my card is going to continue getting charged. Of course. I am lost and I

don't know what to do. Please help. P.S. She sent me nudes throughout our exchange saying she was waiting for me. Alright. So this guy was scammed. Does he realize? Is he joshing or do you think he was really scammed? This email is so earnest that I really think he doesn't know. And I'm wondering if our fans

are getting younger or something like or are they getting smarter and they're fooling us with their silly emails i guess that's possible but this is truly insane because he said it happened three times but he's not including the time where it asked for a credit card and he didn't give it so it happened four times this is like the uh like it's funny to him to be like on the like the fourth time it's like all right i'm gonna give you my credit card one more time but then that's really it i'm gonna give up after that yeah fool me thrice shame on me because two times we're not quite there yet it's wild what a motivator being horny is you will go you'll go to some drastic lengths.

Oh, yeah. Leave your comfort zone. This is just online. Imagine, like, remember bars at 1 a.m., how thirsty one could be, what texts one could send, what stupid things one could do or say. Yeah, goddamn. Back in old world.

This reminds me of our Tinder episode where you're like, she set up a webcam for me and a few choice bachelorinos her name is load as an lod he is fucked there's no customer service for a cam scam a scam girl of sorts yeah it is if you can't you can't email customer service of a website that was designed to scam you it's not like it's not like you i don't know it's not like they fucked up they're doing what they set out to do which was steal your credit card information so you thrice over what you've got to do is go to your bank you need to cancel this card you need to

freeze the account you might be able to sick your mobile bank on these guys to get the funds back but i would stop going through them obviously yeah i want you know how banks are having a lot of trouble right now with these like loans that they have to give out and bailouts and they're running out of cash do they also have like people dealing with like a guy whose credit card information was stolen? Or is it like all hands on deck on the loans, the trillions of dollars that they lost? I bet. I don't know. I'm really not sure. Thankfully, I haven't had to contact my bank for anything lately. Yeah, we don't know how busy they are over there in customer service land. Yeah, I would imagine it's quite hard. But at the very least, if you can't get in touch with your bank, you can cancel your credit card and get a new one. All right, this guy, another question from Upon Shop Date Dilemma.

This one's Corona themed. Okay, so we'll call him Alex Cora. Nice. Shout out to Alex Cora, Alex Cora. Nice. Hey, guys. Shout out to Alex Cora. Hey, I'm here, an undefeated Golden Mike winner, a.k.a. Billy Goat Gruff, a.k.a. Josh. What's up, man? Quick online quarantine dating dilemma.

Matthew here. I'm 28, living in New Orleans, and recently single during this partial end of the world. My ex gave me back all the jewelry I bought her, $800 worth when we broke up. I matched with a girl on Hinge who got a job at a pawn shop, technically essential because it's a financial institution. And as a joke, I mentioned that I was in the market for an air fryer and a pawn shop girl says they come by them pretty often. Would it be in poor taste if i invited uh if invited to go buy the air fryer that i pawn some of the jewelry for it would pawn girl find this petty or funny or as a way of

parting ways with the past please help oh interesting yeah now this is a real question yeah this this none of this cam girl scam girl bullshit this is like a legit 21st century problem this is a meat cute man do you pawn jewelry for an air fryer in front of a girl you met on a hinge yeah is that a good look i think it's everything is a good look except i'm wondering like this is cute that he wants an air fryer i guess i would maybe just go and pay for the like pawn it somewhere else and and buy the air fryer because pawn shops it's not just a bartering system you know it's cash you know uh yeah interesting i guess i forgot about that you can literally just go to a pawn shop and buy stuff with cash you don't have to buy stuff

with things that you're selling to them. Right. Or do you? No, you don't. You pawn stuff for cash. And they would, like, they take cash for their products. So I think it would actually be weirder to go with this jewelry and, like, haggle with a hinge match about, like, how much it's worth. Yeah, because what if she's like 48 dollars

no okay i actually ordered this fucking pandora bracelet from pandora's website so i know it's legit and it has nine beads on it okay yeah you don't want your first date to be a negotiation slash haggle sesh for jewelry that you used to give to somebody else. And there's also like the idea that she might think it's funny that you're pawning an ex, like jewelry that you gave an ex, but she might not. So you might as well take that part out of the equation because she will think it's cute that you visit her pawn shop to buy an air fryer and you can like do a contactless pickup. I think that'd be kind of fun yeah i wonder you don't you don't hear a lot of stories about people like shaking a gloved hand and kissing in a mask through do you have to do one mask or two if you're practicing safe frenching yeah what's social distance frenching these days i'm curious

about dating apps in general like are people on them more because it's like i'm at home by myself and it's fun to chat with people are you like this is fucking pointless i don't need to be on hinge right now setting up dates for 2022 i think it's both i think that people are i have a friend that is on hinge and she showed me that like there's like a a button that's like um josh wants to like go on a video chat date with you or something you know so like they're setting up video chats as first dates and that's kind of cool um but it's also like i can imagine some people don't really have the mental energy right now don't really want to meet someone during a crisis. Yeah. But then there are people that are probably distracting themselves with it as well. Yeah.

I imagine I'd find a lot of fun in chatting with strangers during this situation if I was home by myself. You should download Hinge. There's no risk. You won't be able to cheat on Avital. Oh, because I can't meet with anybody. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I was talking about if I was by myself. Yeah, well, it's fine. You're not going to like hook up with anyone, so it can't hurt to just like match, flirt. You're a little devil sitting on my shoulder. Besides, if she brings it up, that means she was snooping on you or at the very least listening to your podcast

when she promised she wasn't. Why doesn't Avital trust you, all right fuck it i'll download adult friend finder right now why not it's asking me for a credit card this is awesome three times uh all right let me sign up for some cam sites during this break we'll thank some sponsors and come back with more questions after this thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly.

Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out.

But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting.

Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Oh, Vision Lifters? Yeah, Vision Lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain hell yeah so again you go to squarespace.com slash segments segments you save 10 off your first purchase and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace thank youraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards. And if you think you can pick who will do what before the

kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot this this can really heighten your joy that's right i grew up a raiders fan and now i'm just a fan of the league in general but I still have a fan of gambling enough yes you're a fan of gambling yes and I do have an affinity for the silver and black so if you like football as much as me which is not likely because I do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense like, do you know what a play action pass is? Like these are like some advanced things

that I know that you wouldn't necessarily know. I basically know run and Hail Mary. You actually know both of those? Yeah, running is when you run and then Hail Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn. I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players.

I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in Pick 6 credits. Whoa-za. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick 6 app now

and use code SEGMENTS. That's code SEGMENTS for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings Pick 6. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say

gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888- Anything to add? Available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable. Pick six credits. Expire in six months. Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash... Right. Promos. There it is.

Thanks, DraftKings. And we are back. Jake, do you have any... Oh, it's a lesson! Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't this week, but I think you might have something. Yeah, you know, our good friends Ben Schwartz and Thomas Middleditch have three,

count them, three long-form improv Netflix specials that you can watch. I think they come out tomorrow. Wow. Tuesday, April 21st. And if you don't trust our words for it, Ben actually sent us an ad. I sold him an ad so that he can talk to you guys directly.

Awesome. So let's see what Ben Schwartz had to say to you guys about these specials. Ready? Yep. Hey, what's going on, Jake and Moosh listeners?

It is Ben Schwartz, a.k.a. Carrot Slat, a.k.a. Cherry Dude, a.k.a. there have to be, I'll make up one right now, a.k.a. Carlton Magazine, and I just wanted to plug, I took the stimulus check that I was given from the government and I put it right into these ads.

I mean I haven't even received the check yet. I'm assuming we get one, and I just did these ads because Amir is like, you want to know what a good investment is? In yourself. So that's why we're doing this. Middleditch and Schwartz, a two-person long-form improv group that I do with Thomas Middleditch, a.k.a. Dubes.

What we do is we talk to the audience for a little bit we and then we do a hour-long show that has a narrative which is exciting so you follow a whole story through the show we're really proud of it we've been doing it for a while we've been touring around we shot these in new york city and then a year before that we did a show on carnegie hall which was so exciting. So if you guys have a chance to check it out, April 21st, Netflix. There are three separate specials. We're releasing three specials at the same time. And also while I'm here, I want to plug Amir's fake glasses. They're glasses that you wear after you've already had LASIK.

If you take them off, you have LASIK. Your vision is pretty good, but you realize you look real weird without glasses, because that's how everybody knows you, so look for those, that's the stuff that Amir does, and for Jake, I just have beautiful cream, it's the stuff that he takes, he takes from his face, and he puts it in a little jar, so you can put it on your face to look as beautiful as Jake, so Amir is promoting, you know, he has that stuff, you know, that shows his default his defaults and then Jake that he's beautiful, but please, Middle-Edge and Schwartz, April 21st, Netflix, three

separate long-form improv specials. It would mean so much if you guys listened and watched. It's not a podcast. You have to use your eyes also, but yeah, we work real hard on it. We're real proud of them. Hope everybody is well. Stay safe. Bye-bye. Very nice. You know, i was actually at one of

the shows that they filmed oh so were you yeah i do know that because i was sitting next to you the entire time that's right well i didn't remember because i also went to their carnegie hall show which you uh which i guess you skipped well i was living in la at the time obviously i wouldn't fly to new york for for a comedy show For the biggest show ever? Yeah. Real nice of you, Bob. But one of the ones that we went to, they shot four, and I think the one that we were at is one of the three that they are releasing on Netflix. So we can speak with personal

acumen as to how funny it was to see that. Yeah. Listen closely. You'll be able to hear us laughing in the audience. Cracking up. And I'm sure if you guys listen to this podcast, you'll be able to hear us laughing in the audience. Cracking up. And I'm sure if you guys listen to this podcast, you'll like Ben and Thomas's shows. I'm sure a lot of you have already seen them live. But if you haven't been able to, this is a great time to support them, watch them all in their entirety as soon as possible. So Netflix knows, you know,

these are some funny guys who are very influential and let's give them some more specials. And hey, maybe they have two shitty little Jew friends that might want their own special too, just, you know, catching the draft off their coattails, and we can ride that to the top. So you're saying Netflix will be like, oh, Ben and Thomas did so well. We'll also give Jake and Am amir three netflix specials what

what would ours we don't do like improv or stand-up or anything like that it would be like us doing like the game boy for an hour on um on netflix they were like so it's like oh these these improv shows did really well yeah maybe we'll pay jake some cash to go oh into a mic that would be funny hour yeah they would fucking well who's to say if these things do really well netflix might have the wherewithal to let us do like a fucking chipmunk bit a snail trail thing on their prestige platform yeah i mean david spade says just being friends with adam sandler like the the algorithm loves him so much that it's given him like three or four movies just just by being in his universe there you go that's all we need that's all we need maybe we can uh

we'll get all of jake and amir on netflix whoa that's awesome so okay why don't we befriend adam sandler too that way we like we're giving ourselves the best opportunity so if like the middle ditch and schwartz shows do well that's fine but if not then like we're at the very least friends with the sandman all we need is more like so we need like celebrity friends as much as we can get and then we have clout and then we have netflix and then we're rich cool so okay how what's step one in becoming friends with the Sandman, though? You have to be like, well, yeah. I don't know how to get access to him.

Does he have an Instagram? He might have a gram or, like, maybe his daughters have a TikTok or something like that that we can sort of weasel our way into. You feel like the best way to be friends with Adam Sandler is to follow his daughter on TikTok as a 37-year-old guy. Yeah, or like a Snapchat. Maybe I can find them on social or maybe a niece or nephew of his. So yeah, you're going to be creepy towards Adam Sandler's nephew and that'll warm him to you?

Yeah. Like if Adam Sandler's nephew is on hinge or something like that and he's set his radius to being by curious i think i'm gonna i'm gonna end up doing a netflix special with micah we're gonna do like a goat show thing so how are you gonna gain access to that like i'm gonna friend adam sandler's niece on linkedin you're not even on linkedin i'm gonna get an account niece on LinkedIn. You're not even on LinkedIn. I'm going to get an account.

So you're going to sign up for LinkedIn, befriend Adam Sandler's niece. Anna Sandler. And then get to the point where Netflix is giving you a goat show podcast special because you're so close to Sandler's niece that you've become friends with Sandler himself. Any questions? None. I love the idea. And that's why I'm befriended you because as soon as the goat show does well, they're going to be like like do you know anybody else and then you can start like shoveling off little side projects to me from through sandler's niece yeah like a producer associate producer i'll follow you on instagram right now you don't follow me on instagram well not yet because you're not worth anything yet

that actually really hurts to hear okay here we go I post some really good shit on Instagram what's the last thing you what's the last movie and or TV show you watched we're talking about Netflix I'm in the middle of watching Ozark

yeah people are loving Ozark but I haven't started it is it as good as people say yeah I really I i do i love it i adore ozark i think it's great you'll like it too because it's i think it's funny okay it's like a dark comedy it's yeah it's dark it's funny you would like it what about you what are you watching uh i just watched logan lucky yesterday on netflix do you remember Logan Lucky? No. So it's Channing Tatum as sort of a mechanic ex-football player who's looking to do one last heist to make some cash to make his stepdaughter or real daughter proud

because his wife married a rich guy and now he's sort of down on his luck. And then as this movie is starting and I'm watching Channing Tatum, I'm like, I haven't seen Channing Tatum in a while. It's nice to see like Channing Tatum act because he's like such a natural and he's not necessarily like conventionally hot, but he is like a super hot body and a cool attitude where I'm like, he kind of reminds me of Adam Driver where it's like, this guy's just so cool and confident and tall and jacked that it doesn't really matter what he looks like.

He's just giving off an air of hotness. And then Channing Tatum walks into a bar and his co-star in the movie is Adam Driver. Adam Driver and Channing Tatum are having this hot, cool dude confidence off for the entire movie while they pull off a heist together. Hot dude on dude confidence. Yeah. together. Hot dude-on-dude confidence. Yeah, and it's a Steven Soderbergh movie, aka the guy who made the Ocean's Eleven movies, doing another heist movie with Channing Tatum and Adam Driver and a bunch of other silly characters, including Daniel Craig. Wow, and it's good? Yeah, it's pretty good. It came out like two or three years ago, and I completely, you know, I don't really

watch a lot of movies. What is it called? Logan Lucky. Cool. I'll check it out. Yeah. Thanks for the record, bud. It's a classic airplane movie, but since nobody's flying anywhere anytime soon. You got to find time for airplane movies. Did I tell you I was looking for what a cheap flight costs nowadays?

Because like who's going into JFK or LAX and flying to another airport? Yeah, I think I saw it. You found like a 17 flight it's right from los angeles to fort lauderdale florida for 17 granted it is spirit airlines and it is a red eye and you can't take any bags is it a layover direct flight but it's very funny to imagine. $17 direct flight? Yeah, from Los Angeles to Florida. My God. It's almost like I have to do it for the price of a fucking movie. I can be in Florida. When else could I say that I did that?

Were you really thinking about doing it? Of course not. You have to pay me so much money to fly, to go to LAX, let alone on an airplane, let alone on Spirit Air, a red-eye in June. Yeah. I mean, definitely very, very irresponsible. But an absolutely—it would just be interesting to see what LAX looks like right now. Yeah, or what JFK looks like, or like what—I haven't seen a lot of images. People are flying. Yeah, the airports are still open, but like, are flights completely empty?

I guess, where are people going? I think flights are mostly empty right but you would think it's like people escaping or people going somewhere remote or like like nobody's traveling or essential people having to fly yeah that's right they're like flying nurses out from low concentration areas to high one of avital's friends flew to hong kong to be with her parents during this. And they are so organized and the government is on top of their shit to the point where as soon as she landed, the government sent her with a bracelet to a house to be quarantined, sent her a test, and then got the results and told her like she tested negative and she had to wait 14 days to quarantine and as soon as she was done she's like all right they texted her and like your quarantine is lifted throw your bracelet away download this app so we can like trace and track your like every moves holy shit if she left the house they would

known about it and that's like the type of shit that they're saying they might have to do in america to like once we open things up a little type of shit that they're saying they might have to do in America to like, once we open things up a little bit just to like test it out, like we have to be able to test everyone. The government has to be able to track everyone so that they know like, as soon as you have a fever or you tested positive that you have to stay at home and we can trace you by your apps or some sort of like wearable tech that you have to put on. All right. This seems good. This seems good.

But it's fine. This is the world i wanted to live in the donald is going to be in charge of it so like you know like he's not going to do anything nefarious with our whereabouts or anything like that yeah no i think it'll be fine yeah but you know you'll be able to go to starbucks without a mask if this is if this is the case will i uh no you'll still have to wear it just for peace of mind but then at least the government will know that i did bingo cool what kind of what kind of coffee did you get a grande black iced coffee just black yeah can you get that like from a store like a big carafe of grocery store starbucks black i can i can and i did and it's not the same no it is the same i just needed to drive this morning some days you're like i don't have i can't i don't feel like doing anything but i need to do something so i'll do something really low maintenance like drive my

car for half an hour yeah and then you want to give yourself a destination, even if it's a dumb one. So that was it. That's cool. You know what I did? On a walk recently, I didn't listen to a podcast. I listened to music. It's sort of adjacent to my dancing advice from last week. Yes, yeah.

You do have to remember to listen to music. It's funny how music will improve your mood. Yeah. I rarely just, it feels like a waste of time to listen to music i'm like wait i have nine podcasts to get through about the situation and various comedy or sports news that i need updated that's like or i could just listen to music and just sort of like you know bob my head while i enjoy the sunshine here yeah i think you don't need as much news as you think you need and you do need a little more like me time. Yeah, everyone's got to work on their mental health and their attitude at this point, you know?

Yeah. Did you drive by yourself? No, I drove with Micah. You also want to take some alone time too. Don't forget to take some time for yourself. That's right. I have been going on bike rides solo dolo. Wow.

I was bluffing. Oh. The fact that you need to do that by yourself is kind of really messing up. You're a mental coward. A lot of people are counting on you. All right. One last question. Sure.

This one is called Struggling Boyfriend. Okay. Okay. It's written from the Struggling Boyfriend. Okay. Okay. It's written from the Struggling Boyfriend. So we'll call this man, I don't know, who's a struggling boyfriend

nowadays? Chad. Chad. Yeah, Chad's are struggling. Chad's name got a bad rap for a long time. And now he's just like socially isolating by himself.

Chad. I'm having some issues with a lady friend of a year. I'm a 19-year-old male in college named Chad dating a high school senior long distance. That doesn't sound easy. In a night of anxious curiosity, I asked my girlfriend to answer some questions about her ex. You know, as one is wont to do. Yeah, don't worry. Those always end up great.

Knowing that she had only gotten to first base with him, I thought my questions would, oh my God, would calm me. I am calm knowing you only Frenched him. Woo! Mario Kart? I asked my girlfriend to answer some questions about her ex. Well, boy, was I wrong. Turns out she used to... Oh, my God.

Turns out she used to constantly get to third base on campus. She even initiated encounters where they went behind a building and she rode him. This all comes as a shock, right? She told me that when we got undressed for me that I was the first person that she was naked for. Deep down, I know nothing is wrong with her past. And she started dating me because I won't let her do things like that. Oh, no. But I cannot get the image of her writing him out of my mind.

It is in my nightmares. How do I get this insignificant dweeb of an ex out of my mind it is in my nightmares how do i get this insignificant dweeb of an ex out of my head oh my god that backfired you loser you chad loser i love calling something eating away at you insignificant this insignificant dweeb is he or did he fucking ride your act ride your current girlfriend and now you can't get that image out of your head? Yeah. Oh, I think about this fucking loser day and night. This fucking dweeb is probably riding with somebody else right now.

Also, he asked about his current girlfriend's history to make him feel calm. He doesn't sound very calm at all and then she started telling him about the actual shit that went down he started freaking out now he's having nightmares about it yeah it's always a dangerous it's a dangerous game to ask someone like to basically form the answer that you need to hear in your head and then ask someone after because then there's just no world where the answer is satisfactory you're like yeah i'm okay all right i need to know that my girlfriend like basically only pecked this dude and she hated it and she only cares about me and she just wants to ride me and be naked for me and me only okay that's what she'll say um, what did you do with your ex again?

He figured me on campus. I rode him behind the bleachers on campus. It was so hot. Silence! I think about it all the freaking time. And now I will too. And now I will too. Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to.

That's the long and the short of it. But this is too late for that advice. Now what can he do to get this insignificant dweeb of an ex out of his head? Right. You can't put the genie back in the bottle. I think you just got to be like,

well, you should really just recognize that this is insignificant. Like you guys are young he's a freshman she's a senior you'll probably end up having lots and lots of experiences and those experiences don't make you who you are like your your sexuality your sexual experiences in the past are not like the the main thing about you and it feels like a lot of the time that's like what dudes in relationships will think. You know, like your number's really high.

So you're like gross. Yeah. And the more people you date, the more people those people will have dated. And it'll all just get cloudy and who knows who the fuck happened before you guys ever hung out. It's insignificant now, and it'll become more insignificant as time goes by. Just focus on, I guess, who your girlfriend is to you and take that for all you need to know about her. And if you want to go deeper,

maybe examine what gave you this night of anxious curiosity to begin with. Yeah. That's the bigger issue. Anxious curiosity killed the cat. Yeah. I mean, there is a lot to deal with with like insecurity. And you can also talk to your girlfriend about that. And she can be sensitive to your insecurity if you, like as you're trying to get over it.

Yeah. I mean, these are, it's a classic 19 yearyear-old problem. You're 19. That's what happens. That is right. At age 19, everyone's been with, like, one or maybe two humans. Yeah. And, you know, I don't want to discount it too much because I know that I've also been there at 19. So, I guess I'll just say that. I've been there at 19. Yeah. You'll, you'll, uh...

You'll be laughing. You'll be laughing at yourself at age... How old am I? 42? You're 50. How long has it been? That's our time. Thank you so much for sending those questions and the theme songs. The email address for all of this is ifireyoushow at gmail.com.

If you want some more content, we're still on our Patreon, patreon.com slash JA. We're making new Jake and Amir watches. We're making new If I Were You shows. We even played some strip trivia with Jeffrey James this week. So you can watch that as well. If that's not incentive, I don't know what is. The opening theme song was that Blink-182 by Jack. And this closing one is an epic rap song

submitted by Alexander Moravsic, or as he calls himself, Henry. But this guy is at fucking Princeton. This is a Princeton student. A Princeton rapper. That's right. That Ivy League rap. Yeah, it's really good, but it's a few minutes long,

so I saved it for the end so you guys can enjoy that right now. Thank you, Alex. Thank you, Jack. Thanks to you guys for listening. And we'll be back as soon as possible. Stay home. Stay safe.

Stay cool, dudes. Oh, yeah. Who is this? Hey, Jake H., I got a mere B for you. Should I patch him through? Yes. No, you should not. Hit, hit, hit, hit me.

Everybody sit down. Day one, stand up. Roll your, hit, hit, hit me. Everybody sit down, day one stand up. Roll your eyes back like Amir just said. Don't fucking speak unless you've seen 800 episodes and still fucking scream out. Grandis at the live shows. Uh, ayo, dinner tonight. I know a Mickey D's without a Mickey in sight. Let me know what you like, I mean are nuggets alright?

A place to break bread, maybe share some advice Times have been tough, slept at the office a bunch My dad moved out, he ain't been callin' enough How did I fuck up? I mean I read Leron's blog I ain't a non-reader, yet I'm getting raw dogged I gotta get away, a staycation of sorts I pack really light, all I wear are my jorts Laugh at that, wow, talk about a tough crowd

I'll kill another owl who gives a shit now Gone 17 moons, oddly 21 suns Catch me with a champagne flute in my buns I'm Rodrigo O from USA Rice I dress for Halloween like the passion of Christ Let me ask you a question, do I have swag? I carry odds and ends in a brown paper bag a shit in my khakis read guns and ammo mags I even

showed up to my own wedding stag or wear a fedora cuz they're all the rage a fuck on tinder unless the girls underage or if it's a cam I'll send in my wage chomping on yams I circle jerk to her page, uh Haha You think the beat's slowing down? Let's go double time Make this shit wet and brown Um, making a racket, submitting a bracket by energy like I'm six shippers deep

I'll call you a diva but really you're either a Murpher or a Paddy The way I would leave you, now pick up the phone cause I'm cleaning a bowl I don't have a home and I'm thirty years old My name must be Rick cause I keep getting rolled Don't hospitalize me, I'm too fucking cold That was a HeadGum Podcast.