Segments - 432: Suck My Stamp

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

In this episode we discuss porn names, original artwork, and the GOAT state.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Let's do corn chomps, your favorite childhood snack.

Take a bite, it's a corn delight. Let the chomps bring a tear to your eye. The best corn you've ever had cream or otherwise let's do corn chomps your favorite childhood snack now with 20 less fat than frown mix how much of that is directly from a video and how much is new new lore the corn chomps was from a video snacks uh headgum video and i recall that and then the theme song is just a classic 80s 90s theme song and or right jingle the jingle is all original like you never said corn chomps you know let's do corn chomps i did say that but i don't know if i said you did your favorite childhood snack so like the slogan was let's do corn chomps yeah it wasn't even a slogan

i was just like you know like corn chomps you know like let's do corn chomps that's good that's good blooming felt i don't care i don't care who you are that's good that's good blumenfeld i don't care i don't care who you are that's good uh this i still had it back then this theme song is great i think that like it really adds something to snacks uh i know you guys just you guys just wrote a a squeakquel to that right the fourth yeah we wrote i think it was a quadrilogy at this point and we wrote the fourth snacks together on a live stream and we're gonna shoot it sometime soon so this feels like this feels like a an evolution like that you guys could actually produce the jingles oh that's cool it almost feels like an snl sketch if the jingles

are there yeah remember the value in full house jesse and i think uncle joey wrote jingles for a living. Yeah, they had a lot of different odd jobs because Joey was also like the voice of a kid's program. He was a puppeteer. They had a radio station. Yeah. Jesse was so cool and he wrote jingles. Then he was also in Jesse and the Ripper. Yeah, he was a musician, but also like insanely hot. Nobody, I mean, they mentioned that he was rippers he was a musician but also like insanely hot nobody i mean they mentioned

that he was like a woman freak and like a cool dude but nobody was ever like you know uncle jesse's a fucking like stone cold stunner like he's a fucking male model level hot why aren't we talking about like hottest guy we've ever seen yeah and he just lives with his brother-in-law yeah well he loved the kids he He loved DJ and Stephanie and Michelle. We all loved the kids. That's why he would live there. He's also a stand-up guy, because, like, yeah, he moved in with his widow brother-in-law.

That's fucking awesome of him. That's how hot he was. Yeah. John Merzalkowski is the guy who made that theme song for us. Nothing to plug, writes John, except the Buffalo Bills, who are going to win the Super Bowl this year if the season actually happens. Nice. I hope it happens and I hope they win. I hope they go all the way. Yeah, the Bills have a good chance this season because Tom Brady is finally out of their division.

Oh, interesante. And isn't Gronk going to the Bucs? Yeah, Gronk is following him to Tampa Bay. That's kind of baller. But I can never root for a Florida team. It won't happen. Why? What's your beef against Florida? I don't know.

I just don't find it sexy. Interesting. What about the La... It's not as sexy as fucking Massachusetts, you know? Nothing is sexier than Concord. There's some states, Concord is in New Hampshire. But that's really sexy to be part of New England like that. Well, New Hampshire is a hot state.

There's some states that are hot and others that are not. Okay. So, for example, LeBron James, Dwayne Wade, four titles or four championship appearances, two titles for the Miami Heat. That's not hot to you? That's not sexy. Florida doesn't have swag. Okay.

It's like, yeah, we have weather, but it's kind of swampy. And California also has nice weather. So California's the sexy. Okay. I see. What about the San Jose Sharks, a Bay Area hockey team?

Oh, interesting. Well, the state of California is sexy. So that's a sexy team. That counts. Yeah. It's all state-based. Okay, what about... It's not city-based. Because Miami's like a sexy city, but it's in Florida. That's not a sexy state. Okay, what about

the Colorado Rockies, the baseball team? Yeah, that's a hot... That is a hot state. Colorado... That's sexy. Doesn't get hotter than that. That's cool. Rocky Mountain team yeah that's a hot that is a hot state colorado that's sexy doesn't get hotter than that yeah that's cool rocky mountain high that's awesome yeah colorado's hot what about uh the chicago bulls illinois is not a hot state there's nothing it's not about no it's just not i'm sorry but it's not a hot state okay chicago is a cool city, but Illinois is not a hot state. And therefore, okay, sorry, yeah. What about the Nashville Predators, the hockey team from Tennessee? Tennessee, not that hot. Not a hot state.

Interesting. Welcome back to Hot a State or Not a State, where we sort of dissect dissect various states and Jake tells us whether they're hot or not. Or if they're not a state. For instance, if you asked me something that wasn't a state, I'd be able to tell you that it wasn't a state. You take great pride in state capitals, right? That's right, yes. How'd you do on my little Instagram story quiz the other day? I think I got them 100% correct. If I recall, it was, what's the capital of Kentucky? Is it Frankfurt or Lexington?

Oh, yeah. And it is Frankfurt. That's correct. And then the second one was, what is the capital of Pennsylvania? Is it Harrisburg or Philadelphia and it is Harrisburg that's true and then lastly it was what's the capital of Oklahoma is it Tulsa or Oklahoma City and I think that it is Oklahoma City that's correct three for three wow wow the ones that always trip me up that I still like even right now i don't

think i know what south dakota or south carolina is yeah it's hard because you by default you just want to say the most famous city in that state and that's sometimes true but sometimes not but i'm like what's the famous most famous city in south carolina it's charleston yeah but i think it's columbia is the columbia's capital that's right and then well i mean what's the most famous city in south dakota it's got to be bismarck right bismarck's the capital of north dakota that was a trick answer so i was gonna say pierre pierre is right i knew it's a fucking french one i actually spent a very amazing summer winter into fall in pierre when i was 11 winter into fall well how does that work because it was summer then it was winter then it was fall yeah because like when you're in pierre winter into it really felt like everything because i was sort of was using poetic license to like describe how my nine months there felt like it was just a fleeting vision quest of sorts.

Some artists study abroad in Paris, others study abroad in Pierre. Would you rather be a Pierre in Paris or a Paris in Pierre? There's no right answer. I actually have a pita tiare in Pierre. There's no right answer. I actually have a pita tiare in Pierre. How much would it be, could we, maybe now is the time to move to Pierre. Right, I was thinking about how location doesn't matter as much when you're locked in at home. Like, you get a house in a great neighborhood, but it's not that cool of a house. Or you can get that, like, take that price into a non-ideal neighborhood, but have an amazing house. If you're stuck indoors, you might as well have an amazing house. Yeah, this really, like, puts a, it's gonna take the wind out of the sails for the real estate agent that says location, location, location, you know?

That's right. Because like, I guess unless the location is like on the beach or in the woods, which is kind of peaceful, but like being close to my favorite bars and restaurants right now is not helpful. I think they should downgrade it to two locations then. So it's like, you know what they say, location, location. It used to be three before the disease. Location, location, and vocation.

That's if you can do it from home. That's good. This sounds like a goat show episode. That's right. What's a third one? Vacation. Vacation, vocation, and location. We're ranking every state based on if you can live there, if you can work there, and if you can travel.

Now that's kind of interesting. Let's play this game. What do you think is the GOAT state based on those criteria? I always default to California because there's so much diversity. It's like 10 states. So you can live in Yosemite and vacation in San Diego or vice versa. Yeah. California, it's really got it all.

Yeah, because it's so big. I have a cousin that lives in Hawaii, and I've been kind of following her quarantine on her Instagram stories. And that looks pretty solid. Yeah. That, like, you know, I guess being anywhere where you can, like, kind of reliably go outside and sit by a pool feels pretty feels like it'd be pretty fun yeah the pool pictures are a little uh envy inducing

because it's like oh you're just chilling out by a pool and then occasionally you'll go inside it feels like you're in palm springs for the weekend yeah yeah that'd be kind of cool um i think the other goat state could be washington oh because it's uh you got the big city like seattle but then you can also go a little further inland it's got lush greenery there's like some natural yeah it's it's not necessarily as like there i guess there's it's a risk for earthquakes and stuff but it's not quite as perilous as like california with like the the wildfires the increasing temperatures that type of thing yeah i mean you don't like change where you live based on like what the next 50 years will look like like we'll emerge from this like in a few decades and then you're gonna feel silly you're like now i live in fucking tacoma

and it was good for like 35 years but now like it's time to retire. You're 70 and you're like, why did I just do that? I could have just stayed. Just try to be careful because you're going to depress me by accident. What's that? I'd hate for you to make me sad, man. So let's not talk about how long the disease is going to be around. I don't know, it's just pontificating. Like, yeah, it's going to affect us for the next two or three years, and then the economic implications will last for a few decades. And then we'll finally emerge from the shadows in 50 years. Indeed, this conversation, you're at risk of making me despondent.

And I don't think I'll be very entertaining to you if I'm feeling melancholy. So let's not talk about the length of time the virus will be among us and affecting us. That's cool. Do you want me to sink into despair? I don't think you do. You're threatening me with your sadness.

As if everyone else isn't also sad. If you keep talking, I'll cry. How'd you like that on your conscience? Marry a dry eye. All right, this is actually an advice podcast, if you can believe it. It's actually the only advice podcast hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jacob.

We're in our homes answering questions. People still writing us emails. You know, just because you're stuck at home doesn't mean you don't have problems, dilemmas, sticky situations that you need help to get out of. They still abound. They do. So we have one about sliding into an ex-girlfriend's DMs during this COVID madness. Okay.

Okay. Do you have a guy's name? Um, sure. I'm going to try to think of, you know, I don't even, oh, let's call him Marty. Because that's one of our only single friends that we have. Marty writes, with all the COVID madness going on right now, I've decided social rules no longer exist, with the exception of the public health ones, of course. Anyway, I dated this girl when I was in high school. She was my first love. And even though

I'm 22 now and out of college, she remains the only girl I've ever truly loved. I am a hollow boy. We met at a strange time in our lives. And because of that, I feel like if I contacted her, it might not go too poorly, because we were deeply connected beyond the normal first love old gram from here and there she's an absolute smoke like literally a complete dime piece hottie most nights when i get wine drunk and listen to sad music which is every night i consider hitting her up and i know this is a horrible idea but again there are no rules anymore or are there let me know what i should do. Please help my sad punk ass. Love, Marty. Okay. Okay. I went through a little bit of a roller coaster on this, to be honest. How did it start? do to check in with people to like look up on old flames see if there's anything there i like that i like that energy it's got a little bit of chaos but a little bit of heart to it you know

um but then he said the thing about how he never got over her and i feel like it's a bad time to check in with someone that you are still in love with. Because that could go bad. Okay. Did the roller coaster then make a third destination? I guess it was sort of a drop. Oh, well, then it meandered a little bit. And I was like, if you're going to do it, don't do it when you're wine drunk and listening to sad music. Oh, interesting.

If you're going to do it, do it during the day. Or do it during the evening when you are not drunk and listening to music. Like take one evening off and be like, if I don't get drunk tonight, that's when I'll text my ex because then maybe she'll be drinking. But I don't think that you want to be tipsy confessing your love to someone just on the off chance that they're sober and not going to be into it. Yeah. It's hard because you have the liquid courage for only so long before it dries up and then you resume your normal life. So you want to bottle the liquid courage and then use it later. The issue with the liquid courage is that in the morning it turns into a dry shame.

A desert of regret. I don't think I've ever done a thirsty thing while I was drunk on my phone and then woken up and been like, oh, awesome that I sent that message. Solid that I liked that photo, that I requested to follow this thirst trap. It's good. It's always bad.

So like, if you wanna do that, just like make a little mental note it's actually here's a fun little test so next time you want to you're wine drunk and you want to write to your ex or this is for anybody if you want to do anything uh any kind of weird thirsty thing when you're drunk instead it's the masturbate idea no this, just write a note on your phone and write like, Jake commented on so-and-so's Instagram photo, and then write what you wanted to say. Or write the DM that you wanted to send.

Or just write down the thing that you wanted to do when you were drunk and wake up the next day and look at it and be like, if I had done that. Because we've both been in relationships for a while, but you must remember that feeling of like waking up hungover and like looking at a text that you sent at 3am and just being like, yeah, I wish I didn't send this. Right. Or if I did, I wish I sent it at like 8pm. So what if you could wake up hungover and not look at the text you sent, but instead just look at a notes app that is just a list of the things that you avoided doing?

You're selling me an idea on Twinnovation for like a dummy phone that you use when you're drunk. So instead of a real phone, it's a dummy phone and it shows a record of everything you wanted to do. That's a really good idea i think uh yeah a dummy drunk phone that like lets you play all the games that you want to but like without any of the consequences and then in the morning you can like watch a video of all the things that you did and if any of them are like no i think i would do that even sober then you can then you get to do it that night yeah next i think that's what animal crossing is like it lets you do all this stuff without actually doing it so it's like i want to

farm for turnips but like i don't actually want to do it so it lets you do it within this fake game interesting yeah i mean i was i've been i've been intrigued by animal crossing i wanted to buy a switch but now they're like 500 on amazon yeah you got to pull the trigger before it's too late and soon that'll be 600 700 yeah i was in a walmart the other day and i tried to buy one but they were out so it's weird because like 300 is also a lot of money for a game that i don't know if like i just don't know if i would play it. That's really the bigger barrier. Yeah. I don't want to spend $300 to 500 and then be like, and I don't like this.

But the risk, it might be worth the reward because you're also not spending any money on anything else that makes you happy. I guess that's true. Like there are no more $300 purchases. There's just food. I guess I'm not like going to,

yeah, I'm not going to bars and restaurants. I'm definitely spending a lot less money. Oh, and flying. I don't fly anymore. That's crazy. This is the longest I've gone. You're done with that. The longest I've gone without being on a plane

in, I have no idea, 10 years. Getting back to the dummy phone idea, I think another hurdle is that you have to be so drunk that you think it's working, but not drunk enough that you use your real phone. So like somebody has to give you the dummy phone when you're just completely fucked up. Ideally, it would be a phone

that was like connected to your blood alcohol level. So your phone could shift over to the dummy phone without actually having to like change hands oh that's cool it'd be more of a software thing yeah so it's like a breathalyzer slash iphone that changes forms when you blow a blood alcohol content of more than like 0.07 or whatever the legal drinking driving limit is i feel like there have been apps or something like when for when you're drunk like you have to like solve a puzzle to open your phone or to like open a certain app or something like that yeah it's interesting i think i i guess i

come down on this guy for uh as just don't don't message your ex with the with like a i still love you thing you can message them just to say hey and see where it goes but yeah pure heart rule no expectations and do it when you're not as inebriated when you're relatively sober and check in just to check in and to genuinely see how they are not to get back together. All right, that's good advice. Let's take a break. Thanks to some sponsors. And we'll be right back with more questions after this break. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings.

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Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the fire. Mom, I'm coming. have any yeah yeah you know what i do just a quick hit but i've been following this instagram that brings me a lot of joy oh uh maybe me especially because it it applies so directly to us. But it is called Hardly Working Out of Context. Oh.

And actually Sarah Schneider sent it to me. And it's great. It's just like very short clips from old Hardly Workings. The username is Hardly Working and it looks like underscore underscore maybe i'm sure you can find it yeah but it is uh just like quick seven to ten second clips of like all these random hardly working do you remember any of them when you see them there's a couple of them where i'll watch them like huh i don't remember this one and And then I like walk into frame. I'm like, oh, wow, I was there. And I was hot.

I was definitely not hot. Come on, man. Don't talk like that. Well, actually, one of these I look pretty sexy in. What's an example of one you saw recently? This one just came up today. Here, I'll play it. Everybody's playing Flip Glass.

Let's take a look. Everybody's playing Flip Glass. Let's take a look. Everybody's playing what? Flip Glass. Let's take a look. Oh, that was one of the first ones. Yeah, it's just like a 10-second video. Sam and Dan, I think, are chugging water from glasses. Yeah.

They flip it, and the glass shatters on the floor, and that's it. But I think in the actual video then somebody else says let's play fabergé egg pong oh still got it uh so they're and they're like old old hardly workings on there as well as new ones but there's like stuff from the all-nighter then there's also some of the stuff that was just like me you sarah streeter uh pat jeff dan like fucking around on our like canon power shots like the very first summer of hardly workings that's nice did you uh any branded content on there um let me see i think there was actually a branded thing on here oh no not a branded thing but there's a live show here's another good one it doesn't really matter to me i mean as long as we

we're best friends and we get along that's all that matters as long as you got that flat ass head i remember that one hardly working perfect woman where my character is talking about how the perfect lady is short. She has huge tits, and she's like three feet tall with a flat head, so you can rest a beer on it. Yeah. I wonder if that one aged well. It definitely didn't.

But I think at the end, I have a picture with, I guess this doesn't make it better. At the end, like have a picture with my girlfriend and she's like three feet tall with the flat head yeah i can't tell if that makes it better or worse yeah i think worse now that i'm thinking about it uh but look these were different times yeah this was 2019 you can't judge me yeah this is this is post-Trump, but pre-Biden. Pre-corona. Different world.

Yeah, so that's my advice. Throw that guy a follow. I think he only has 200 followers, so I want to see him encouraged because the videos are bringing me a lot of joy. All right, perfect. All right, we got a new question about a baby name. Oh, I love baby names. This is a 25-year-old guy from Australia.

Let's call him Baz. Okay, Baz. Shout out to Baz. We have a friend in Australia. Basil. So one of my best friends and her husband just had a baby girl that is equal parts adorable and beautiful. I could not be more happy for them.

And they've even said that they want me to be the godfather i will be joining the likes of marlon brando and jake hurwitz so it's fair to say i'm over the moon here's the problem i think i'm a god children as my own children love each and every one of them all right go ahead the problem yeah here's the problem he writes the baby was born yesterday and I knew the baby's first and last names, but what I didn't know is that the baby's middle name, and upon hearing the full name, made the awkward discovery that the baby's first and second name is the exact name of a very famous porn star.

I'm talking top 20 on Pornhub famous. Now, I'm in a weird dilemma. Do I mention that to the parents? Do I not? Will they think I'm a sicko for even putting the connection together? I guess it's her first and middle name, so it may not be an issue, but I'm just worried for the future when this innocent child Googles her name, as many children do, and realize that there is a MILF by the very same name taking monster schlong on the reg. I have nothing against porn stars, and I think it's a perfectly fine profession. I'm just thinking about kids making fun of her later in life, and I want her to avoid a potentially awkward encounter. Thanks.

Love, a day one on the Patreon. Thank you, Baz. Okay. Yeah, you know, I mean, as a fellow godfather, I know how it feels. You want to protect your little ones from a life of ridicule. I know I'd die for any of my godchildren. So I feel where this guy's coming from.

Can you name any of your godchildren? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I can. I can name them all. All right. There's Jenna Jamison Jones, the little sweet one who's one and a half now. This is... All right. There's Jenna Jamison Jones, the little sweet one who's one and a half now. This is, all right. So first of all, do you think there's any world where this kid's name is not Lisa Ann?

I don't know enough about porn star names. Do you think it's, is Lisa Ann a famous MILF on Pornhub? Jesus Christ, man. She's like one of the most famous MILFs. And you're saying that could be like a classic mistake lisa lisa and you do really only know jenna jameson um you're an uncultured swine you're drinking brandy can you name another porn star

i'm sure let me dirk digler no i I want to hear you name a current porn star, not like one that retired from when we were jerking off when we were like 15. The one that we shot with. Do you know her name? Yeah. You do? Of course. You don't know her name?

Yes, I do. We met her. We had a full conversation with her. I shot a comedy sketch with her basically that's right you rubbed lotion on her back you should remember her name exactly and what is it veronica von it's mia malkova mia malkova i knew it was a fucking alliteration do you really not know a porn star are you just afraid to say it on the podcast um i don't i really don't know porn star names that's crazy i'm sorry okay some of the most famous milfs are lisa ann brandy love um nicole aniston i really doubt that it's nicole aniston

here's the here's one thought and and actually this is going to be my advice as well. Okay? Oh, okay. I would, don't bring it to the parents, obviously. But you just bring it to your bro, you say. Because I think that the dad, this guy, and you sort of fucked my theory a little bit, but I think he probably knows. I think that a lot of guys know the most famous porn star names. So I think maybe he knows and he's okay with it. Or maybe you can tell him and he'll be like,

oh damn, we should change the middle name. How hard could that be? Yeah, change the middle name. Yeah, nobody even knows the middle name. It's only a day. Yeah. There's still time. And also, you don't have to say,

oh, I thought of it because I knew of a porn star name. You be like i googled her name to fucking reserve a url or something and all these other videos came up yeah i and or like i googled her name to try to see the birth announcement i wanted to print it out for my records in case i ever need to take ownership of the child um whatever yeah and then he's actually more offended that you tried to look up the name for a birth announcement printout than he ever was about the porn star thing don't fucking google my kid okay why don't you cool you don't google my daughter's name that's my child at most you can bing it later but don't google it before the birth announcement it is funny i know two people that i grew up with that have the same name first and last as porn stars really first and last first and last

as their the porn star's real name or their porn name as their porn name as like a famous uh a famous porn name like the equivalent of me uh knowing somebody named uh riley reed do you know who riley reed is uh i know the name now that you say it okay she's a famous one she's a famous porn star but i want to know more about like porn star names like do you choose it does somebody give it to you is it like a porn star naming you have to do like 10 porns and then they give it to you. Is it like a internet database where you just sort of pick two words out of a hat and they have to both start with the same letter? I do believe you pick your own name or maybe if you sign like with one of the agencies, they help you come up with it or give one to you. And then it's like a pen name. I imagine. You start going by that.

That's where your credits get listed. Yeah, but maybe there's somebody out there, maybe that's a job I can have in New World where I'm coming up with names because I know a lot of cool-sounding things. Just looking outside, Tree Chamberlain would be a nice name for a porn star to have.

That's true. And actually in Fired, the boss's name, Alan Avery, that'd be a cool a porn star to have and actually in fired uh the boss's name alan avery yeah that'd be a cool uh male porn star yeah so we're really good at thinking of male porn star name oh chris christie that would be a good one who chris christie that's good yeah yeah like he's a governor but that's fine for a guy or for a girl you think either one oh christy chris would be cool does any porn star use their actual name because it like is sounds just as good oh i don't think so because i feel like they're probably

afraid of like creepy fans uh finding out where they live somehow yeah but it does seem also like that we're in the age where like some of that information is probably findable what about amir shmuel like if i wanted to like become a little cam boy but i want to remain a little bit anonymous um i think well it's not great just because the name the name is ugly but like how does that work though if i wanted to like jack it on a cam for a man like i was gonna get cash for that or i don't think well i don't think you could because like well i don't think you could remain anonymous i just want to like sort of get on chat roulette and spank my little micro bean basically like and then if people want to

venmo me so you have a do you have a micro penis oh you described it as the size of a bean you said you wanted to know i'm just say like if i wanted yeah yeah i'm just thinking about what my name would be like that's not even a way to monetize it that's just sort of like connor yeah that could be like connor o'connor or something how big is your dick yeah it's like a stamp it's like a little posted stamp so it's thin that's really thin that's like two-dimensional i i got that forever dick. You know what I mean? That like 38-cent cock.

You know what I mean? Because it's the size of a stamp? Yes, it's the size and it's the stickiness of a stamp. So I think you actually could make a lot of money because it sounds like you have a unique deformity. Yeah, I have a little flag down there. I could see people paying for that. Yeah, to see it, right?

It's like a freak show. Yeah. Admit one. Yeah, kind of like a freak situation. Like, why does he have a little thin, like a little American flag? Admit one. Like, your dick probably, excuse me for saying so, but it probably looks like a ticket, right? Does it look like a tiny little ticket?

Yeah, it looks like, oh, it's a stub. A stub. A stub hub. It's a ticket stub, yeah. So instead of Pornhub, you go to StubHub to stub hub yeah actually my stub nub wouldn't be that bad like stub nub yeah that's cool so that way you like you pay five dollars for a ticket to see my little stub nub yeah and then when people see instead of saying hubba hubba they say stubba stubba that's good and then my fucking porn name is scott silver scott shmuel

is pretty cool really yeah because scott's a cool name and shmuel is kind of fun too no not really but yeah scott do you know any scotts i don't even know a scott in real life um my cousin's name is Scott. That's cool. The one that married me and Jill. I forgot you got married to your cousin. Cool it, fucking stamp dick. Why'd you call me that?

You described your dick as a stamp. Did I? You called it a little bean. Sorry, I browned out. You said you wanted to spank it on a campsite. All right, one last question. Sure. 21-year-old dude from Canada. Okay. I'll call him Shea Gildress Alexander, a Canadian basketball player who I think is 21, writes, my girlfriend and I broke up in January. It was amicable, and we still talk about it once in a while, but my problem comes from a time when we were dating when we painted portraits of each other. Neither of us are artists, but it was just a fun date.

I sort of nailed it, honestly, and was surprised that my painting even resembled a person, let alone her face. Hers was good, too. We put them up in my bedroom, and I've had them in my closet since the breakup. So my question is, do I keep them them in my closet since the breakup. So my question is, do I keep them? Do I offer her one or both? Do I throw them out? The issue is, I really like both paintings, but one is of my ex, and the other one is drawn by her. I'm kind of proud of what I made, so I don't want to just toss it away. And I like having a cool painting of myself, but when people ask me about them, I have to explain from my past relationships.

So what would you do? Thanks, boys. That's a tough, that's quandary. Because art should bring you joy and it sounds like it's still making him happy to see it. Mm-hmm. I think what I would do is not ask the ex if she wants any because wait did he say they still have feelings for each other uh i don't think so okay i think that it's still weird i don't think that

it's oh with amical breakup that's what he said yeah i don't think that she needs you guys don't need to hang on to these things she definitely doesn't need one this is your problem and yours alone they're hanging up in your house and if you like the one that you did you can hang on to it and just say that it's your friend if anyone asks if it was an animal amical breakup she is your friend unless you were lying to us were you lying to us or were you lying to yourself shay do you just like the paintings because you miss her is that possible did you like the paintings because you miss her? Is that possible? Did you see the paintings?

I forwarded you the email and they have... His painting's, like, just fine. Hey, don't fuck with... That's rude, man. That's just fucking rude. What? I mean, he says it. He's not that big of an artist.

So, like, yeah, I mean, it's a fine painting. I wouldn't... But he says that he's proud. Toss the picture. Okay, let me look at the... Yeah, no, that's... It's cute. It's a fine painting. I wouldn't. But he says that he's proud. Toss the picture. Okay, let me look at the. Yeah, no, that's. It's cute. It's.

I think the one that she did of him is definitely a little more like esoteric. Yeah. It's not like. There's no face. I feel like you could hang on to that one. Yeah. The one. Can you imagine like breaking up with your ex and then he mails you a portrait that he drew of you?

It doesn't even matter if it happened while you guys were going out. It's just weird. I think, I guess, I think you can keep them up if they're making you happy and you can just lie. If the hard part is explaining to people when they ask, then just lie because it's not that big of a deal. And, but if, if it makes you feel weird to see them, then I feel like you should explore your, uh, your newfound passion for art. It's cool that you're proud of yourself for what you painted. So you should just paint more photos or more pictures and see if you like those as much and you could replace them yeah i say you draw something else so like you treat this as a rough draft draw something else

then eventually toss it you don't need to keep old artifacts from an old relationship and if you want to draw something that's still life why don't i get on a zoom cam and whip this out you see this whoa this is my fucking dick right here paint this i can't see it you can't see it hold it a little closer yeah yeah you just have to turn it to the side that's the problem all right because it's very thin right yeah but it's flat in the front oh my god it says u.s flag Postal Service. That is insane. That's right. First class. Because I'm a first class citizen with a second class. This is first class, last ass. First to flag, last to ag.

Why don't you suck my stamp? This podcast title. I'm serious. I really think this guy should toss the art and suck my stamps. Let's title this episode suck my stamp what's the word for stamp collecting that's like a very obscure long esoteric word do you remember what it is no i do not i don't even think i'll recognize it when you do tell to me let's see stamp collecting word it's like oh yeah i am a uh what's the term for hobby name stamp collecting hobby name i'm giving you your google terms stamp collecting hobby name i'm freaking out

oh a philatelist oh wow i can't fucking wait to become a philatelist a philatelist and you could suck my philatelist nice my phallus philatelist my flat phallus makes me a philatelist alice why don't you philate me alice it's good, thanks. All right, that's our time. Thanks for writing. Thanks for emailing us. Both the theme songs and the questions can all come down to ifireryoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song, as I'm sure you remember, was the Let's Do Corn Chomps song. This closing one is a Bob Dylan cover. My flaccid phallus makes me a flattalist.

Atlas. What do you think? It's not your best work, but these are trying times. Flaccid phallus? Flattalist? Okay, fine. Whatever. I don't care.

Yeah, this Bob Dylan cover is from Deegan Stegan steel in ottawa that's a good porn name too deegan steel yeah he wants us to give a shout out to his girls kyle and kenton all the way from north bay so thanks k and k and deegan and you guys for listening uh more videos of us jake and amir watches if i were yous uh lonely and horny all that stuff at our patreon patreon.com j a that's right a lot of stuff there damn uh so enjoy stay home stay safe and we will talk to you guys soon indeed peace if i were you i feel just as lost and screwed corona's got us sat in blue

Let's catch up with the rules And listen to If I were you Oh, instant win. That's a HeadGum Podcast.