Segments - 435: The Mailman

Episode Date: May 18, 2020

In this episode we discuss Tinder detectives, Zoom backgrounds, and Amir's slow WiFi.For more podcast action, check out "THE HEADGUM PODCAST" wherever you're listening to this one.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets, pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen.com. B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order

and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't.

This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. That you might appear Had one right to I've been a virgin for a while You go sense he has no friends Because of you

You know his style We are, we are If I were you We are, we are If I were you we are we are if I were you

we are we are if I were you epic whoa rock and roll that felt like both yeah it was like a cool japanese cartoon theme song or something oh yeah like we're we're heroes yeah like an anime hero thing yeah it was a ballad the background is just like streaks of color and i'm about to do something insane yeah seizure inducing and we have like a really

powerful sword yeah that guy was uh rick tracy and he said for my boys jake her crit and a mere yugo style bloom that's and there was a we are reference which is a nad pod thing so i think i it sounds like there's a lot of nadpod crossover here. Yeah. Are you comfortable with that? Quite. You like to converge the universes. Blur the lines, baby. It's all gray.

That's the world I want to live in. Make America gray. Again. Nothing to plug, writes Rick, except for my band's Insta, which is We Are Vasco. Nothing to plug except for the thing that we always plug when people send in theme songs. I are Vasco. Nothing to plug except for the thing that we always plug when people send in theme songs. I like Vasco. I'm a Vasco guy.

Tabasco and a little bit of Vasco, and that's a very good Sunday afternoon. That's a good Sunday afo. We come today recording on Sunday afternoon, actually. That's right. This is like the new time. Yeah, the May 17th. It's sort of like live to tape. We're getting up-to-date catch-ins with each other,

and then we can record it and let the fans hear what we're up to as well. Yeah, it is nice. There was a time when we would batch record these, right? Where we would just have a bunch in the can that would be smarter and better for our schedules there's no reason for me to rush to edit this on a sunday at 5 12 p.m i guess maybe like our the unsolicited advice that we should give ourselves is like just get a head start get ahead on this like what if what if we just had a month's worth of podcasts in the tank yeah that would take us just you know two two hour sessions really easy to do that yeah

it's not that hard and then we would i mean i i i hesitate to say we wouldn't have anything else to do but but come on well i mean we can vacation, man. The problem is the world is changing so quickly that like the idea of recording something in May and releasing it in June. Who knows what will happen by then? That's true. That seems it does seem insane. Or is it the exact opposite? Nothing's going to be done in April. Yeah.

Yeah. Everything's. Yeah. I mean, this is just we're living in the normal world now. This is it. This in the normal world now. This is it. This is the normal world. Have I updated you? I think I did a little bit on Slack about my internet dilemma.

I don't know if I've talked about it on the podcast. Yeah, I feel like I see it everywhere, like on Twitter and Slack, and I know it consumes you. But I don't know if we've had a public conversation, aside from, you know, you tweeting it. So, shut up for a second. Actually, unplug your microphone. I have something to wax about. Let me wax idiotic. Wax apologetic, as in i demand an apology so the bigger issue is my internet is slow which is i guess uh kind of a universal problem right now everybody's at home and sucking from the same teat and it slows everything down and that's one of the reasons why we have to record our podcast on sunday that's right um if you have nice fiber internet like jake and our friend marty and a bunch of my other friends you

guys are getting a direct connection to the grid your download speed you're saying it with such venom like these are i hate that you hate these are my foes for having fast internet that's right my enemies uh you're getting hundreds of megabytes per second download hundreds upload more than enough right yeah yeah i've got speed to spare that's right about a month ago i noticed my zoom calls are going slowly everything is lagging i'm like why is it going so slow i think i'm paying for like 200 megabits download and 20 megabits upload and so i look and i'm actually getting like 200 down but like a mega two uploaded and which you know slows down the video and the audio that i

sent to you there's a lag i respond it takes two seconds for you to hear it yeah but you are getting good downloads so you can like you can stream stuff at least that's right that's right i didn't really notice it until we started doing a bunch of these zoom calls right that makes sense so i'm like you know what i can splurge i'm at home working from home I'll upgrade my shit to 400 megabytes download 40 megabytes up it's called the spectrum ultra 400 plan fuck it it's over a hundred dollars a month but I don't I don't have an office anymore so I have to just splurge and go for it I pay for that they send me a router they give me a modem and i install it and i plug it in after all my hard work i finally like move shit and figure it all out there's dust everywhere i

like had to take the tv off the mounted wall i put it back in and i direct connectly from the fucking modem into my computer for the fastest speed possible 400 download and two megabytes of what a gut punch so much work for such little output zoom calls still lagging when you saw that you're like this can't be right were you i was like this isn't huh this sucks maybe it's just a permanent or a temporary thing and during the daytime it'll get a temporary thing. And during the daytime, it'll get better. Au contraire, during the daytime, it actually gets worse. During Monday through Friday, nine to five, everybody's at home, everybody's doing their little thing. Zooming, FaceTiming, what have you, turning their house into an office. So I can hardly use the

internet during the day. So I said, you know what, Fuck it. I'm done with Spectrum. I've given them my last dollar. This is ridiculous. They're giving out internet to everybody. Let me just find an alternative. So I go online and I search what else is available in my area. AT&T Fiber. Marty has that. He lives a couple miles away.

Shouldn't be a big deal. No, not available. Okay, that's fine. What does my friend Bobby in Santa Monica use? His internet is speeding, blazing fast. Frontier. Great. Do you guys have fiber in the east side?

No, we don't have it either. All right. What else is there? Maybe there's like a satellite option I didn't think about because I don't really think about internet speed. Google Fiber. Is that a thing? Earthlink.

I'm calling, checking everywhere. Spectrum doesn't allow any other, any other internet service provider in my neighborhood. Is that allowed? That's allowed? No. I thought they... It's not. I didn't think it was allowed.

It's a monopoly situation. We're forced... Everybody in my neighborhood, my specific pocket of Silver Lake, Los Feliz, Echo Park, has to use Spectrum unless AT&T and Fiber is there, which it's not here yet. So I reluctantly call a technician to my house and I tell him I can't have him inside my house, but he can take a look at the outside connection to see if everything is like fine over there. Maybe a squirrel like chewed through a wire one day and that's why I'm going so slow. The technician arrives. He basically has like uh the technician arrives he's he basically has

like a prepared speech that he's been given to everybody because his job is to go from door to door people that have gotten pissed at spectrum and then say you know enough to sort of explain yeah explain so he explains explain yourself yeah so he basically comes out he's like don't shoot the messenger but here's the issue before i even look at anything just so you know everyone's going slow because no one else can, everybody's using it at the same time and every neighborhood has a node and if your node is at 80% capacity,

everything slows down and if it gets to 100% capacity, we shut it down and everything slows down to a crawl. Your node is at 80%, so we'll get to it eventually, but not quite yet. We just have to decongest it

which will take weeks slash months i don't have a timeline all right great so i guess i'm stuck here using the internet if i can and if not then i'll use it as much as possible over the weekend then yesterday i'm like oh i see an at&t van in my neighborhood maybe fiber has arrived is today finally the day so i hop online and i check the availability for AT&T Fiber. Again, for AT&T Fiber, you get a direct connection with fiber cables. This is all stuff I had no idea about three months ago. You get a direct connection to your house. You can get up to 1,000 megabytes upload, up to 1,000 megabytes download.

Marty has it. He's like sending me stats about his internet speed test.'s like in the 600 for both more than enough yeah can stream can game can do it all zero lag zero latency i search for if i'm available to have fiber it goes no you can't there's no fiber available at your house however we can give you regular AT&T internet, which is 18 megabytes down and one megabyte upload. No, that's Spectrum on its worst day. I don't want to pay for that. And then I search. I'm like, I wonder how close fiber is to here. So, I start going door to door to my neighbor's addresses. And I start with one like half a mile away. And it's like, great news, fiber is available in your area. It's like, what the hell? This guy lives like half a mile away. And it's like, great news, fiber is available in your area. It's like, what the hell? This guy lives like half a mile away. Let me get closer and closer and closer. I get to a house

that I can see from my house. It's a pink house across the street. He's five doors down from me. And it's like, good news, fiber is available in your house. I'm like, so let me get this straight. That guy who I can see right now can get AT&T fiber, but the one house over can't get it. But then I look at the address across the street from me, and it's like, sorry, Fiber's not available, but we can give you 100 megabytes download. So I'm like, why am I getting specifically my address getting priced out of not only available to get Fiber, but like this secondary option? For me, I'm only allowed to get, quote, Internet 18. Do you know why that is?

I called them, and I asked them, why can my neighbor get faster internet than me? Now I'm curious. Because, like, I walk by the house and I'm like, that's the box that says AT&T on it. Like, I can literally run a cable over. Can I just siphon internet? Can I ask him for his password and put, like, a Wi-Fi router extender halfway through our houses? And the lady on the phone told me she doesn't know, but she can get a support ticket put in there so that a technician can call me and explain to me why fiber is available across the street from me, but not at my house specifically. I still haven't heard from AT&T.

That's the cliffhanger. That's where I am in the story. God damn it. Now I actually want to know. Everyone's caught up. But I thought it was like, once it's in your neighborhood, it's like, all right, let's fucking siphon it out to everybody available. I'm curious.

So I've got two ideas, okay? Numero uno, just pay for the shitty one. Just get it. Because then you're in the family. Then you can start calling and be like hey i have your slow service i i love you guys but i just need it to be a little faster you know it feels like they'd be willing to work with you a little bit again my neighbor next door has internet 100 which allows for 100 download and one megabyte up so i get internet 18 it's got to be just a glitch in the system where they think you can't get it but once you have

like once you're in the door, you should be able to upgrade. The other idea that I have, depending on what you learn, just sign up for it and give the wrong address. And then when the guy comes, you just call and be like, oh, I'm sorry. I must have said my address wrong. Here I am. I'm down the street. I'm waving at you. Just pull up.

So I say I want fiber in an address that's not mine. Yeah. And because it's not like that there, is there literally a cable under some of these people's houses? It doesn't seem like that. I think that's what it is. I think it's a box attached to their house that feeds in from like a city grid or something. And some people's house just came with the box.

They must have the boxes. I don't know. I don't know why he has the box. It's not like these houses are built in like this. Your house was like not built recently. It's not. I mean, none of these houses were built recently. It's not like your neighbor has like a brand new house that was built with a box.

No, it was not. These are all added on. Yeah, all added on yeah all added on so it's not like your house is incompatible with the technology that they need to install in your house to give you the fast internet that's right my house has the electricity to allow for the box if the box were here right so this is why you just lie about your address you just like dude you could just lie about your address and change the numbers on your house for the day. The guy will come and he'll install it.

So you think it's available, but the internet is saying that it's not available. And then when he comes, he's like, all right, you can actually get it. I can't imagine that it's not. Like, what is he going to... If the guy shows up with all of the, the box, the system, like everything he needs to install to give, to make the internet fast. And like,

what is he going to, he's going to look under your house and be like, Hey, actually you're supposed to have this, um, you're, you're, you have the wrong port.

Yeah. I think he'll be like, there's no, I don't see the, uh, the attachment that you need to connect to the fiber network or whatever. And then you just be like there's no i don't see the uh the attachment that you need to connect to the fiber network or whatever and then you just be like weird do you have an extra one that you could just put in my house i'm holding a gun you're not leaving that uh yeah except i have to put in like

my full information including my address when i sign up for this so i think if i put the fake the the house that already has fiber they'll be like you already have fiber we're not sending anyone out yeah and if i put the address of a house that doesn't have fiber they'll be like we can't even send anyone because it's not available in your neighborhood right i guess you could just i mean you could probably just i guess guess, get the slow one. And then when they get there, just beg them. Tell the guy you'll blow him if he'll install the fast internet. I can't imagine he would refuse that, right?

Because then he gets head. And then he also gets to give you the fast internet. I'll give you dome if you upgrade my home, man. The weirdest is that the house next door to me is like, sorry, you don't get fiber, but we'll give you 100 megabytes down. And for me, it's like, sorry, you don't get fiber, but we'll give you 18. What is the difference between the backup option? Why does he get 100, I get 18?

That's another reason. We should really have an episode of our podcast where we interview like an ex-spect where we interview um like a spectrum an x spectrum worker or uh yeah or some like something like that you know somebody who's out of the system maybe we have a listener that used to be a technician or is a technician that can help you actually you know what i've been since i've been tweeting so incessantly about it somebody who does work for at&t fiber uhiber DMed me about all this stuff. Wait, just now?

No, not just now. Yeah, Amir, I work for AT&T, and I've been looking at some outside-of-the-box options for you. Wait, this is great. He said, if you put in a business name, they would lay Fiber for you specifically. It would really help your case if there was a U-verse hub at least sort of in your area. But technically, it should be possible regardless.

Whoa, there you go. So if I say I'm a business. You are a business. We have like three different LLCs. Yeah, I am a business. And you're a, yes, specifically, you also are recording, this is a business, what we're doing right now. You think I fucking talked to you for fun? No, actually, I called you the other day and you didn't pick up.

Yeah, you were like, hold on, let's talk on the podcast tomorrow. Because I wasn't going to get paid for it. I only talked to you. I was just curious about catching up with you because you were telling me about like all the stuff that was going on. So I was like wondering how you were doing and stuff like that. And you were like, don't call me on my off day and i was like all right i just i was just wondering i'm curious how you and jill were holding up and you said we were holding a fine and it was an invasive question and i feel yeah

it was it was pernicious and it was malicious i had to venmo you five dollars to talk to you for five minutes that's right i did a cameo for you. I'm part of your OnlyFans, an OnlyFriends account. Okay, so maybe I'll tell them I'm a business. That'll be my next, when they call me and explain to me why fiber is not available in my house. I mean, that's not even a lie. Like, we aren't using the office anymore. You are living and working and running your business from home.

All right, sweet. Thank you to Corey at AT&T for helping me out, even though he lives in Orlando. Hopefully his advice works in Los Angeles. And if your internet also sucks, I mean, I'm reading tweets all the time about various internets being slow because they can't handle this. They weren't prepared for this amount of bandwidth. Yeah, that would be, I mean, that would definitely be a stressful problem for me to have right now i have yeah i mean what if you were uh what if you're a live streamer what if what if i was a twitch streamer you kind of are all right so i guess i'll keep you guys posted there i know everybody is just hanging on my every word really concerned about getting my upload speed up yeah

but meanwhile you have been able to cart, and that seems good for you. And it's good because it prevents me from carting during work hours, which I probably shouldn't be doing anyway. Like, I can't start letting it infiltrate my nine to five. Have you been Animal Crossing still? Yeah, yeah, I've been Animal Crossing. And in the last week, has your quote-unquote addiction to it gone up? I don't know if it's gone up. It's kind of stayed the same. I'm like... It's the weirdest game, because sometimes

I'm playing and I can't stop, but I'm not having fun. Interesting. But I... It really feels like work, because I don't want to stop, because I have goals. I have things that I want to attain for my island. So you added things to your to-do list they just have less consequences it's not like it is not a game that i'm like having a ton of fun as i'm playing it's like okay no i have to

like run around and fucking chop trees so i can get wood i need to like get wood so i can build this fucking dresser so i could sell it to tom nook like they're it's it's such a weird game but i do but i have liked it a lot and there are still like fun moments like where you buy something stupid i just bought a kimono this morning so your character wears a kimono in the game yeah well i'm wearing a kimono right now but i might change back into my cutoffs in my tie-dye shirt yeah all right we are actually at the halfway point if you can believe it uh this is if i were you an advice podcast i guess where we air our grievances and talk about the clothes that are simulated humans wear in video games i'll tweet a picture um let's take a break we'll come back and we'll answer some more questions you believe that thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is

checking out the post-game stats i want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which QB threw for less than 350 yards, and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff, then you should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do. I do. Yeah, I do a lot. This can really heighten your joy.

That's right. I grew up a Raiders fan, and now I'm just a fan of the league in general. But I still have... You're a fan of gambling. Yes, of course. You're a fan of gambling in general. which is not likely because i do know a lot like do you know what a nickelback uh does in a cover two defense or like do you know what a play action passes like these are like some advanced things that i know that you wouldn't i basically know run and hail mary you actually know both of those yeah running is when you run and then hail m Mary is when you chuck it, right? Damn.

I think you should download the DraftKings Pick 6 app. Select between two and six players. I have a sure thing for you to put some money on. You select between two and six players and choose if they'll have more or less of a stat. It's that simple. And for all first-time Pick 6 players, check this out. New customers play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits. Very cool. Download the new DraftKings Pick Six app now and use code segments.

That's code segments for new customers to play $5 on your first pick set and get $50 in pick six credits only on DraftKings Pick Six. The crown is yours. There you go. Anything to add? Yeah, I was going to say, gambling problem? Call 1-800-GAMBLER and help is available for problem gambling. Call 1-888-789-7777

or visit ccpg.oregonconnecticut. Must be 18 plus. Age and eligibility restrictions vary by jurisdictions. Pick 6 is not available everywhere, including New York and Ontario. Void where prohibited. One per new customer. Non-withdrawable pick six credits expire in six months.

Limited time offer. See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash. Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free. To support segments, it'll take two minutes, and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks.

Take this survey, and we will read the results it's g-u-m.f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back let's go straight into the q's and a's these people need our advice. That's right. And maybe you guys can help us out too. This is from a lady in... Ooh la la. Yeah, who's having some office drama. So we'll call her Pam. Nice. That's a character from The Office.

Pam writes, Guys, I need help. I'm a manager at a tech company and my boss keeps stealing my Zoom backgrounds. We were in a meeting yesterday and I had the conference room from the office as my background. One of the execs on the call commented that he liked my background, and then my boss immediately changed his background

to the exact same picture within the same meeting. Then I switched my background to Michael Scott's office, and two seconds later, my boss had Michael's office as his background too. He's never even watched the show i think he just noticed that i got a compliment and stole it from me how do i stop my bosses from stealing my zoom backgrounds thank you love pam that is very intriguing i think okay so your thoughts on silly zoom backgrounds in general i don't really know how to do them i don't know how to how do you change your background uh you can create you see in the

at the bottom left it says um there's a stop video yeah and then there's an arrow oh so if you click on that and go to video settings uh and then in virtual background on the left you can choose different backgrounds nice am i at the golden gate bridge now yeah so you're at the bridge that's cute and i'm like i'm like hosting talk soup that's fun yeah so these are like fun little zoom backgrounds that i've done can you upload your and you can upload your own i guess yeah so sometimes like when my friend goes to the bathroom on a Zoom call, I'll steal his background and put it up. And then when he gets back,

it looks like we're in the same room. Or like if this was a picture of a buddy of ours and then it's like, oh, me and this butt guy are hanging out with each other. So like that's a good Zoom background bit. Right. There are plenty of bits to be done with Zoom backgrounds. And this lady is,

oh, there we go. picture of us in your background. I was thinking for a second that as you were talking, I was going to try to search tub girl or lemon party or something. And, yeah, it just felt like it was going to be a lot. Oh, that one looks nice, the beach one. This one? Yeah, the beach. Yeah, it's like a video background. Yeah, the beach is cool.

Okay, so now I'm super into this. It's like a video background. Yeah. The beach is cool. Okay. So I'm now I'm super into this. I've never done this before. Um, I, a friend of ours, um, I was talking to her yesterday and she told me she's a teacher doing virtual,

uh, virtual teacher teaching and she's teaching 12 year olds. And she said that something that they've been dealing with is like in their classrooms, uh, like kids will take a photo of themselves and make that their background and then leave how fucking smart is that you gotta respect kids for doing that especially now their video backgrounds i mean game over that's like from speed they they replayed the video on a loop

and then they were slowly taking people off the bus yeah dennis hopper noticed because he like saw the cut point in the loop no yeah that was the original zoom background photo tell that wildcat behind the wheel uh so this lady is dealing with her own little zoom background trauma because her boss keeps stealing i don't think it's a problem i think he's the one who's looking worse than she is. Right, it reflects poorly on him, not you. But I guess if someone didn't notice that she did it first and then sees, like if you start paying attention

and you see both people have it, it's like not very, it's not your joke anymore. It's not fun. Yeah, so I guess, I mean, this is a pretty good one. Yeah, that's really good. So you're in the beach and I'm, let's see if I can take a picture mean this is a pretty good one yeah that's really you're in the beach and i'm let's see if i could take a picture of this just so we can show it to people jake's at the beats and then i'm hosting a 90s talk show called talk soup all right two zoom background options for you and then um uh i guess is there a way to use backgrounds that are less easily accessible?

So like she changes hers and then the guy doesn't have access to do the same thing. I think what you should do is like change your background to something like really bad, like a Nuremberg rally. And then he changes it, right? And he has it. And then he gets in trouble. Oh, I see. So you sort of set him up to fail.

Yeah. It's kind of like, all right, copy whatever I do, and then you do something poorly, and then you say, oh my God, how could you do that? That's right. And then he gets fired. Then you get his job. Then you get to do all of the backgrounds that you want unencumbered.

The goat background of all. His pink slip. All right. Here's a more salacious question that we got. Finally. Hey, guys. Longtime listener. What's a mailman name?

Oh, what's the mailman's name in Cheers? Mailman? Cliff? Cliff. Cliff. It's Cliff. It's name in cheers mailman cliff cliff cliff it's cliff it's cliff uh long time listener writes cliff first time asker so my girlfriend and i have been happily dating for a couple years and our sex life is great i started working as a rural mail carrier about a year ago my girlfriend and i keep joking about doing some mailman roleplay in the bedroom. But the more we joke, the more serious she sounds about it. It sounds funny and actually kind of hot, so I think I could get into it.

But here's the problem. Rural carriers in my state don't require a dress code, so I don't have a uniform. My girlfriend says I should go buy one so we can do it. Another thing is, I don't know how to roleplay this out, but I'm not large by any means below the belt, so I can't do the classic, I have a large package here for you here, ma'am, as that would be a lie. Should I go buy a mailman uniform for this role play?

And also, how can I effectively role play with my little willy? Todah and au revoir, Cliff. For starters, I think you can say I have a package here for you. You don't have to say anything about the size. I have a pretty small package here, actually. It fits in a pretty tiny little envelope. In fact, it's a postcard. So I guess what someone did was just slap a stamp on a

driver's license. A forever stamp actually worked on this one there was no there was no added weight no uh no extra cost associated with this teensy tiny pack didn't i make a joke about my dick being a stamp like two weeks ago oh yeah i think you did for all circle jerk so he was i think you can buy a mailman outfit on, like, Amazon, right? Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting that they don't have one. I guess the mailman uniform. Yeah, why do they wear a uniform?

I think so, you know, I mean, so you know that the person coming up onto your stairs and reaching into your mail slot is a federal employee and not a burglar. So you're saying if I just get that uniform, I have carte blanche access to people's driving record, mailbox, I can even come in for a sip of milk if the case should be? I mean, I don't think you would be able to go in for a sip of milk if the case should be um i i mean i don't think you would be able to go in for a sip of milk so interesting so like all i need is like brown shorts like the kind ups drivers wear and then i could wear like even a tank top i can crash into someone's house

if necessary for some milk i think there's just better ways for you to get milk and you know that's interesting i never thought of it that way you wouldn't pass as a ups man if you had brown shorts and a tank top like you're already trying to cut corners you're already not doing this like you're you're not going full tilt because you're i don't have yeah i don't have like um i don't have brown shorts but i can wear these like khaki cut-off things. So yeah, you're not going to look at all like a mailman. And then if I wear a hat, I can sort of jiggle the knobs of various houses

in my neighborhood. Just go to a grocery store and buy milk. I can't afford a carton. Asshole. Quite frankly, I can't afford that carton right now. Hold on. Sure. i'm changing my virtual background of course is it going to be to a ups person or a kitten drinking a bowl of milk that priority mail

very nice that's a shitty that's a shitty package for you i have a large package for you it's actually my severed dick in a fucking rectangular cardboard box my severed dick in a box you know that song yeah so you can say i have a package you don't have to specify large package yeah um you can get the uniform because that's part of the role play it's hard to be a role-played mailman wearing just jeans and you can do i feel like you could do entry level role play where you where you you just say what the role is. Oh, that's cool. So you're just sort of half-assing and dipping your toes in the water to see if you like, and then you can commit to the full uniform

later. It's been a long day of delivering packages, but I have one more. So it's like I changed out of my uniform, but I was a mailman earlier. That's cool. Yeah. And then do you then ask for milk or is that even like not part of it? Because what's the point? You're just a mailman and not all mailmen necessarily want that, like a glass of 2% in the middle of the work day i feel like you're confusing mailman with like one single aspect of santa why are you making your face that way i want a cookie and i want to deliver gifts but instead of gifts it's mostly junk and a bill

i have a restoration hardware catalog and I want 1%. 1% of my network? No, no, no. 1% fat. In a glass. In a hat. My package is slim and I'll have some skim.

To roleplay as a mailman, all you have to do is say how much you want milk. So that shouldn't be too hard. You don't even need the milk. And then if you're a milkman, the role play is to just merely barge into someone's house and ask for an envelope or something.

Perfect. All right, one more question. Let's do it. Oh, this is a funny one. It's written from a lady who was drunk and kind of high at the time. Perfect. So we'll call this lady Mary Jane Blige. Mary Jane Blige ain't got nothing on these pipes.

And speaking of pipes i'm high uh hi hard one and the chipmunk yes i'm drunk and kinda high so obviously this is the best time to ask for relationship advice indeed i totally want to jump the bones of this absolute dime piece i work with he's a real optimist dime if you will nice love it problem is i'm really bad at reading signs guys don't tend to hit on me or i'm just blind so that i never even notice like ever at all i invited him over for a small game night yeah during covid but it was all people i work with and we kept it under 10 people so whatever fuckers don't judge me she is drunk any hoodie in the blowfish at one point we were all drunk enough that we got on tinder and traded phones

i got his at one point and he got mine and i purposely swiped right on girls with my body type and got no matches but then i also threw in a few duck-faced skanks to see if that's what he was into and got no matches either. He got three matches on mine, all guys more muscular and macho than him. For the record, I never been attracted to muscular dudes, just skinny dudes, which happened to be his particular body type. She's also very high. was this test for me as it was this a test for me as it was for him we only had each other's phones for a few minutes so i was reading too much into was i reading too much into it not finding him any matches is there a possibility that he's at all interested have either of you ever let a girl swipe your tinder for you back before you were on the back before

when you were on the market i consider myself demisexual but sometimes i feel like i truly all i want in life is a fuck boy and think he'd fit the bill how does someone who is so scared and unsure of this whole hookup culture go out and get that nasty d anyways i'm still drunk and high and the female version of blue balling any help you can provide is hashtag dope. Love, Mary Jane. I can't remember if I ever traded phones to Tinder. What is demisexual? I don't know. Love everyone.

Okay. It seems like what you swipe and try to get for him just shows the kind of women that are attracted to him. Because if you match, that means they swiped right on him. I feel like this was, you overthought that. Like, that's. I did or she did? No, she did.

Like, that's a step, that's beyond the pale to me. Like, swiping girls with her body type on Tinder to see if that's, like, he's, you're on the couch with each other already. Like, that's more flirtatious, you know? Yeah, but, like, she's like, he's not matching with anybody with my body type. That just means that they didn't swipe right on him. It has no indication on what he likes to see i think there's there's way too many variables to like to make any of like anything you've learned from that usable and it's also not worth learning because you have like kind of the direct source of the information of if he's into you or not like yeah you know yeah so you're too high to conduct a science experiment

you're a bad detective yeah wait a minute you didn't match with any of the duck-faced fucking skanks all right it's off to your phone in this bowl of popcorn that means you don't like me why uh but i'm actually guys that don't have your body type which means you're worse which fuck me you're hot to me am i hot to you isn't that what it's all about that's like that's what it's all about everybody does detective work when all they want to say is you're hot to me am i hot to you right or like you're hot to me right now am i hot to you right now and then that escalates in you're hot to me most of the time am i hot to you most of the time and then that escalates to the greatest of all time. You're hot to me always.

Am I hot to you always? Will you be hot to me forever? I'm on 1D. Those were my vows to Jill. We can't get busted to each other, babe. I just don't want to be a seven to you. Even when I'm 72. Flatline.

I died at my wedding. Yeah. So relax, which you probably will once you stop being drunk and high. And then ask him. Are you with them hanging in in groups during no quarantine of course not like that right obviously not everybody goes home to their separate areas who knows who they're coming in contact with and then you get together and you share the germs don't you you're in a room and you're talking without masks and things start getting spitty and flowy i want the news not the weather oh here's the weather 72 and i'm fucking covid 19 positive remember when you were calling people on instagram

live and you like got a call from somebody uh that that was just like hanging out with their friends yeah i'm like what are you what what's going on over there lady she's like i know we're bad just hanging out at my friend's house yeah just hanging out at your friend's house that's the fucking point you can't do that that's the thing that everyone's mad about right because you're not supposed to hang out with your friends i love it no shame here's something i learned um the i guess the transmission is so much more palpable indoors in a like an enclosed space with a lot of people so like the worst place to be is like in one room without a lot of circulation with like 10 to 20 people because if one person has it it just like slowly fills up the room and everyone's breathing. Like you said, sucking and fucking.

They don't even have to do that. They're just spitting and living. So if you're like, oh, I'm gonna be responsible. It's less than 10 people. It's nine. And we didn't do anything. We just hung out in my bedroom. Yeah.

And like, that would be really bad. Right. It'd be better to hang out with 30 people at a park. Yeah. Oh, definitely. If you're outdoors and wearing a mask, that seems to be like the way to go because the spittle and the virus just sort of dissipates away. So the odds of you getting it are very little.

The odds of you like staying in that cloud are very little. Have you been going to parks? I've been walking around outside. I haven't been meeting friends at parks. You always wear a mask when you go outside. Yeah. Here's something I'm intrigued about that I might look into. Face shield.

Interesting. That's right. More on that later. Might be my unsolicited next week if the one arrives and I happen to like it. So you bought one? I bought two. So you're more than interested. I'm Pinterested. You're two. So you're more than interested.

I'm Pinterested. You're taken. You're taken with it. You have bought one. Yeah. Here's my question, though. Like, doesn't it just go, it goes right in front of your face. That's right.

But isn't it open below? So, like, things could still come in from under the shield. Like, the mask cups the face. The mask cups the face, but it's not as thick as plastic. But I feel like for it to be really effective, you need like a full-on astronaut helmet. That's right. You need the deep sea diver helmet. And that's what you need. Yeah, save for getting an astronaut helmet.

I feel like mask, though imperfect, is better than nothing. And face shield might be just as good as, if not better than, a mask. And if we're all just doing it to be extra cautious, what if the face shield is better? Would you do face shield plus mask? That's what hospital workers are supposed to do. They're supposed to shield and then also wear a mask in 95 style so that if anything gets in, then they're prevented. Right. It seems like that's the safest.

Yeah, but I'm looking for the best of the rest option, and I've tried the mask, and like you said, it's a little difficult to breathe. Not impossible, so you still have to wear one, and it keeps spit from coming in and out. Yeah, no one likes the mask, but you have to wear it. That's not... It's such a weird fucking war,

because it's like the people that are telling people to wear masks like it's not like we enjoy it it's not like we're saying hey like wear a mask it rules okay just try it you'll be convinced yeah like they're not gonna like it because we don't like it either it's not like a parent telling their kid to eat brussel sprouts and the kid doesn't like brussel sprouts but the parent does and it's so not fair the parent also doesn't like the brussel sprouts in this metaphor so the face shield is plastic literally nothing can get through but like you said stuff can fly in but like you know if i'm spitting sneezing talking it sort of gets stuck to the plastic my question is will it be hot and cumbersome yeah what i'm looking i want a mask that is i want like i want the nike mask the dry fit i want the rei i would the

patagonia mask i want something that's like very sleek yeah very comfortable lightweight minimal something i can move in you know also the mask doesn't cover your eyes can you get it in through your eyes yeah that's what the whole thing is like don't rub your eyes oh right that's right okay great actually i've been wearing the mask over my eyes and nose keeping my mouth exposed so almost kind of like a thick sleeping mask of sorts this is all while you're making out with the spectrum guy and doing it all for a fucking glass of hole getting half and half ass uh all right i'll keep you guys posted that and uh that and a roomba are two things i'm looking into but let's not get too ahead of ourselves i'm not willing to endorse either i have a i've got a roomba we'll chat we'll chat about it next week all right cool we'll talk offline maybe we can talk about it tomorrow or something no i'm not not not if i'm

not gonna get cash for it so i could uh when i talk to you it's work okay how about i'll talk for work i'll give you 20 and i can just pick your brain about the roomba because i there's like a bunch of options and i feel like it'll be helpful for me to find if you bet them only 20 bucks i probably do like let's but let's keep it to a text session Venmo me 20 bucks, we text about it Three texts or less I'm afraid I can ask multiple questions per text No, no, no

Yeah Fine Jesus Let me ask the questions first I feel like the show ended and we're still talking So why don't you Venmo me No way, the show's still going on like the show ended and we're still talking. So why don't you Venmo me? No way. It's still going on.

We're still, I'm still recording. Are you still recording? I'm still recording. Yeah. But it felt like, it felt like we like signed off. We're like,

we'll see you next week or whatever. No, I haven't said that. I haven't said we'll see you next week. Okay. I just, I'm going to, I might invoice you for the,

for this second. Oh my God. You are, your assistant, your assistant just sent me an invoice this is why you fucking have this person uh that's that's right so okay so yeah another it still have all right so let's sign off now because i can't afford these bills solomon solomon cool it with the invoices yeah please tell him to relax he's relaxing

every time I refresh five more invoices I have 31 invoices from Solomon Hurwitz that's right I adopted my assistant this is beyond you're talking about my son what?

you have a child now who's invoicing me to talk to you uh all right if you have any questions of your own theme songs send them on down to if i were you show at gmail.com uh the opening one was that uh epic power ballad oh yeah i don't know if you'd call it a power ballad but it was by rick rick the we Vasco. And this one is sort of a nice acoustic version of Teenage Dirtbag. Fuck yeah. If you play my song, can you shout out my older brother,

Will, who first introduced me to Jake and Amir, as well as NADDPod. So shout out to Calvin for writing that song and his brother, Will, for introducing him to us. Awesome. And shout out to you guys for listening. And as always, more content on our Patreon,

patreon.com slash JA. We're answering questions. We're watching outtakes. We're doing it all. And people have been digging those, so we appreciate it. Check that shit out. We'll be back, of course, next week. Oh yeah, the HeadGum podcast too, we should mention.

We dropped the episode, the firstGum podcast too, we should mention. We dropped the episode, the first episode in this feed. So whether you downloaded it or not, it's there, right there for you in this feed. The episode right before this one is the first episode of the HeadGum podcast. Yeah, it's a good time just catching up with Jeff and Riley. I enjoy it. Yeah, and that was episode one and episode two is coming this week. Episode two was insane. Yeah. At one point Jeff was convinced he wasn't recording,

so that sort of derailed everything a little bit. His computer died. He thought he lost his audio. Riley was on her phone. We're all just doing our best, I guess. And we'll be back next week. Ciao, everyone.

Peace. His name is Shmuel. He has a chipmunk face and I'd be in hell if he doesn't read my email. Oh, how you go rocks with peels and brunch locks. But Jake won't give him the golden mic And Jake only gives a turdy to him Cause Amir's a talking chipmunk, baby Yeah, Amir's a talking chipmunk.

Baby, listen to If I Were You and you'll see.