Segments - 436: Brotherly Love

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

In this episode we discuss bad haircuts, good siblings, and love in the time of COVID.For more podcast goodness check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST, with us, Geoff and Reilly:Apple PodcastsSpotifySee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Follow you with Jake and Amir.

Emailing your questions here. Starbucks broke a golden mic. How do I text the girl I like? Follow you, follow you, follow you. The show starts now. Nice. A new take on a classic. Yeah, it's short and sweet, but ultimately nice and fun to have.

It was good to dance to. Yeah. I saw you got up and you were wearing assless chaps and you made that booty go clap. And chapless ass. An assless chap to show my chapless ass. So you mean your ass is just moist and without chap? Yeah. You don't chap.

There's no chape. There's no chap. There's no chafe, there's no chap, there's no crack. It's all smooth ass. Do you have a hairless ass or do you have hairs on your ass? I have a hairless ass. No hair on the ass. I have a relatively hairless ass, but I feel like there's some hairs on the ass and then I'll also get zits on my ass. Oh, where? Like on the cheek? On the cheeks. The lower cheek?

Where the cheek meets the thigh? I'll have some on my apple bottom butt and some on my peach fuzz. Your badonkadonk zit. So I'll twerk it and make you work it. I'll make you pop that zit, then reverse it. Do you ever make it clap? I will. So I've tried to make it clap, but it ends up just popping the zits in between my ass cheeks. That's right. And you look at it too. You can throw it back and look at it.

Yeah, I've dropped the thun-thun-thun, and then it like sort of the pus starts trickling down my thighs and my chapped ass. I wonder if that's a cyst instead of a zit. It is. So my cyst, my assistant has a cyst. Your ass has a cyst and that's the ass-ist. Yeah, my ass-ist has a cyst and then that's what sort of pops and pusses every time I make that booty go. Take that. Rewind it back. Who wrote the goddamn theme song? Okay, that's enough sort of pops and pusses every time I make that booty go. Take that.

Rewind back. Who wrote the goddamn theme song? Okay, that's enough. That's enough. This bit's disgusting. You did 80% of that. You said cyst. It's more than enough.

It's more than enough. I want a little bit of freedom. Luke says he's a day one listener and he wanted to give a theme song a go. Nothing to plug, but call me anything you'd like. P.S. Go Bills. So thanks, Luke. Go Bills. Hell yeah. We're back on the Zoom, back in the room. Sunday, May 24th. Zoom room. You got the virtual background of a protest rally. What is that? Yeah, this is an open up Michigan rally that I found online. Cool. And my background is a reopened Huntington Beach rally in which the citizens of this small Orange County town are declaring that they've had enough.

Enough is enough. They want to get their hairs cut. I agree. I'm frustrated as well. I wouldn't go to a rally. It's not my place. It's not anyone's fault. You're rallying against a disease. Fuck COVID. The disease.

Yeah, I also hate it. I agree. It's weird that I kind of, like, I guess I don't think that society should reopen but i really want it to is it weird to want the same thing as these protesters yeah just not the way they go about it yeah the way your methods are wrong but the end goal is i do agree that society should be open that's a better way for the world to be. So march with us, brother.

I shouldn't even be here at the rally. You're wearing a full hazmat suit. Did you see there was a hairstylist in Missouri that got 90 people infected? Oh my God, that's so fucking funny. So they reopened it on May 12th, and he or she, it said the stylist, but I don't know if it was a male or female, was not asymptomatic, but rather quite symptomatic. But they powered through, and as they cut people's hair, of course they would talk, cough, laugh, and snore. You have to talk to your barber. So you'll rain down the disease on the patrons, and 90 people got sick, including seven co-workers. So that's what we're dealing with.

There was a time where they didn't have the spritz bottle, so they just sort of chugged a Dasani and sprayed their droplets onto their customer's hair. Yeah, like the blue canister that they used to put the combs in. The barbicide. Yeah, the barbicide works on the comb, but not necessarily on that person's lungs and throat. Too bad. Anyway, I could go for a haircut right now, but if I did, I would do it outside,

and I'd be wearing a mask, and as would my stylist. Your stylist. And actually, my stylist pen would also be wearing a mask. I didn't know you had a stylus. That's cool. Yeah. That's really cool.

All right, this is if I were you. If you could get a haircut right now, like what would you ask for? The classic? Or would you do something a little different? Now that your hair, now that you've grown it out so much. Yeah.

It feels like a new style could be we might as well take advantage of it i found a really good i was searching for a photo on my computer and i found this photo shoot that we did with head gum um t-shirts and it made me miss having a haircut i had a nice haircut in that so part of me just wants to like show somebody that photo that I just texted you and have that cut once again. Maybe a little longer on top. That's a hell of a cut. That's a great cut. That's a hell of a cut.

And a long beard. This is like right before, I believe this is right before we went to Australia. Oh, because my beard is super long? Yeah. I remember that tour in Australia where you had an insanely long beard. And I think like on one of the last days you went to a barbershop and got it trimmed. That's nice. Yeah.

It was a good feeling. We took it for granted. All right. This is If I Were You, an advice podcast hosted by me. I'm Amir. And me, Jake. Hi. Got a funny email even before questions of somebody commiserating with my

spectrum internet woes. Oh, I actually would love an update because there's some, there's been some stuff happening, right? Yeah. Well, not quite.

And I will, let's read this email and hopefully it'll illuminate a few of the strategies that you suggested that I do. Okay. Let's hear it so this uh is written by a guy named joel who uh lives near me actually joel writes hey i'm here i too was enticed by the seemingly blazing speeds of the at&t fiber network you might say i was looking to get a lot more fiber in my diet but at&t had hoodwinked me too i I live in Echo Park near me, and for years, Spectrum had

been the only network that could reach my house. But this week, AT&T installed fiber in the area, so I ordered a thousand megabytes from them and was honestly smiling to myself all week, thinking of how fast my internet would be. I get this guy. I waited patiently for my... I'm in a good mood this week. I waited patiently for my appointment. I prepared the house. I prepared myself. On the day, it's more than fair to say,

I put on my Sunday best and I stood at the door like a kid waiting for his daddy to return from his third tour. The man finally came. Sitting on the stoop waiting. Holding a football and a fucking white tuxedo. He came inside and briefly checked the house. He said he needed to check outside.

I waited for 20 minutes, and when he returned, he simply told me, Nah, we can't do it. Why? I inquired, as if Daddy told me that he preferred going to war versus spending time with me, and that he'd be returning for another tour, this time for pleasure. The building next door is in the way, he bleats. Bleats like a goat. Okay, I'm dumbfounded. What?

He shows me a picture of the telephone pole on the other side of the building that apparently is the source of my much-needed fiber. And you can't get it to my building? No, he says as if it's a foregone conclusion let me stress to you now that my building is a mere 40 minutes sorry 40 feet from this pole we'd have to build it to get to your house uh and so he says okay so can you build it? I can't believe I'm walking him through the process. And he says, no, it's too expensive. And I said, are there no other places to get the connection? And he walks over to the other side of my house and we stand at a window. He points to the pole, another pole that's approximately 40 feet in the other direction, clearly hooked up to the house across the street.

I can't see through the windows, but if I could, I would have seen them laughing to themselves about how fast they were able to torrent episodes of Westworld. They probably know what happens at the end of season four by this point, and they haven't even shot it yet. That pole, he says bluntly, and I said, okay, we can't connect to that one. We both stare out the window like two lovers pining over the same woman. This is the first time in my life that I found a pole attractive. I can't stress enough how close it is.

We're literally looking at it from my window. No, he says. The man exits my house, leaving me like a futile serf, able to see the castle grounds, but never to attain royal status. Amir, I feel your pain. Jesus Christ. I don't... So this guy lives even closer to Fiverr than me.

He's like across the street. He can see the pole 40 feet from his house. And the guy's like, yeah, I wouldn't... It can't connect because there's a building in the way. What are they talking about? Isn't it a fucking wire? It is a wire. It goes from the pole to the house.

Like, how much closer does a pole need to be? I guess if it's... The point is that you have the wire. I guess the wire can't cross the street. Like, the wire can go to the building next to it, but not, like, cross the street over the street. A single wire, maybe not. That does make sense. I mean, you don't really see that that you don't see that when you're driving down the street yeah wires that cross but like i mean i'm sure there are wires that cross the street right i just we completely ignore wires but they must be everywhere i guess it bumps me a little

bit the notion of of seeing a wire crossing the street but it must exist yeah and then uh the idea that this guy ordered it they said it was available and they still couldn't get it really makes me think that your theory of just get slow internet and then upgrade it hopefully they could just plug it into your house makes me very skeptical yeah but at the same time what do you have to lose or sorry what the hell do you have my fast my fast weekend speed i see but like if if you ask them to come and connect the slow internet he comes you say why don't you just do the fast one he says no then you could just be like you know what never mind don't do anything then you clearly aren't interested in giving me fiber yeah we can't do that i'm starting to think it

won't work i don't even think that really wastes his time that much because like he doesn't care if he installs the internet or not clearly yeah it's just it's a he doesn't get paid per connection no he gets to just go and you're and you're like you know what can you do fast he says no then you're like fine then i'm gonna keep spectrum time warner whatever the hell you have and then that's it why not try why not just give it a shot all right so i'll ask to install internet they'll say fiber is not available i'll say fine whatever just come and install the 18 megabytes down. Then when the guy gets here, I'll just play dumb and be like, you said it was fiber.

Yes. Have you ever, this is, there's like a hack. It's a bait and switch, but in my favor. Yeah. There's a hack in California that I, that I've used twice. Cause you know, like they have those old school furnaces that take like a pilot light. There was one time where, oh, wait, no, I think I only used it once. But like the pilot light on my furnace went out and they didn't, like the LADWP didn't have, or the gas or whatever it is, couldn't come out to my house for like two and a half weeks.

So meanwhile, I had no heat or hot water for two weeks and it was like california winter so it wasn't like unbearably cold but it was like very uncomfortable in the house you know like yeah like below 50 degrees and you have to take a freezing cold shower so then during that time i learned that if you say you smell a gas leak they have to come immediately and then once they're there you could be like can you turn on the pilot light just while you're here and interesting so why don't i just why don't i take that to an extreme i'll just fucking call 9-1-1 i'm having a heart attack i I think I can't breathe. And then when they get here, they'll be like, I'm feeling fine.

Can you actually install fiber? No, you say, like, okay. You call them. You say, I can't get up. I need help. And then they come, and then you show them your computer. Like, I can't get up. I can can't get above 15 15 down and one up oh so when you said i can't get up you meant i can't get fast upload speeds yeah it wasn't even

a lie all right how about this hostage situation so i pay an actor on craigslist to hold up my house i'll be like just fucking do whatever he wants. And they're like, what the fuck do you want? A fucking getaway car? A million dollars? A helicopter? What is it? And he's like, I just want this house to have fucking fiber.

And they're like, I can't do that. The building is across the street. He's like, I don't give a shit. Find a way. And then he's like so method that he kills you. Yeah, but I'm buried in high speed internet so i don't even fucking give a shit it's worth it bury me in a thousand up by the way while we're talking about all this stuff my brother was like oh yeah i guess my internet's a little slow up in

san francisco and upgraded his to sonic fiber which isn't available in los angeles so at the very least ben blumenrose has speeding high internet because of me i'm glad i can help him out that is really cool actually i'm going to my parents house tomorrow for the first time we're gonna go outside in their backyard maybe swim in their pool oh and uh i'm gonna check to see how fast their internet is because there might be a way i can siphon some of it without the old man finding out. Is there a speed that your parents' internet could be that would make you move home?

Imagine internet so fast, you live with your dad for it. Your mom's doing your laundry, cooking dinner again, and guess what? You're getting fucking blazing hot speed from the guest room. God, I would be so jealous of my mom if she had 200 megabytes up, and she didn't even fucking stream Mario Kart for it.

No, your mom, she has been streaming. She has been streaming. Oh, yeah. She has that Twitch channel. She does a Twitch for Earwolf. Yeah, she got an Elgato HDS Plus, and she's been playing Fortnite with a bunch of tweenagers. Do you think you'll do masks when you are in the backyard with the parents?

Are you going to be so far away that that is fine? Yeah, I think we'll mask it up until we get to the backyard, and then once we're there and we're like six to ten feet away that'll be far enough of a distance plus outside for me to feel like at least we're taking it easy yeah that is nice so you haven't seen your parents since march no i have they've like sometimes they drop off some stuff or i'll go over there and pick up some stuff but never like in an extended time i see so tomorrow's the first time you'll spend time with them. Yeah. And also yesterday was the first time I went to a friend's house. I went to Jesse's

backyard and we played video games from 10 feet apart from each other. So starting to creep back, much like the protesters behind me, I'm starting to creep back into normal life to see what that's going to feel like. Right. It's funny that like playing video games from 10 feet apart outside with your friend is normal life. Yeah, with a face shield. That's how much we miss just like fucking human interaction that I'll be like, oh, okay, you know what?

If I can just be on a roof and be 15 feet away and we can wave, that'll be good enough. I think you can do that. Seemingly safe safe there's all the stuff about the outdoors being nice and distance being nice and it feels like unless you're like standing really close to someone who actually has it and they're coughing and hacking you're relatively safe all things considered yeah we've and we've been doing that like a little bit just like hanging out on stoops in new york city like from 10 feet away or like distant walks and stuff distant hangs distant hangs all outside i haven't been in anyone's

apartment in like three months that's fucking crazy oh god no you definitely can't be in a house no and forget about any high-rise office buildings that's that's no-go. Well, I go to the Hedgum office because no one else does. That's right. And that's the 97th floor of the Freedom Tower. God, I wish. That'd be awesome. We own an 18,000-square-foot loft. You have not gone into the Hedgum office in LA, right?

I have. I went there last week for a zoom interview for buckets basketball podcast oh yeah you had to you can't do a fucking zoom interview no god are you kidding me did you get have the director of the last dance on it yeah jason hair was on buckets me and billy talked to him yeah he's a huge jake and amir fan interesting why didn't he interview us for the um fucking the jordan doc why didn't he interview us for the jordan doc because we had nothing to do with it yeah but i would have participated and he would have got a chance to meet my ass yeah he met hundreds of basketball players actual people who are involved

with michael jordan he talked to scotty pen, Phil Jackson, Jerry Reinstorf. Obama too. Yeah, Obama. I could have been in the Obama episode. I obviously shouldn't be in like a basketball heavy episode because I don't really have much to say. You have no connection. Read that subject. Yeah, you're barely watching. Did you even watch Michael Jordan play on TV? I was saying I could be in the Obama episode. That's why.

Yeah, the Obama episode was like the first episode. It was a pretty big like leaping off point talking to people who are of importance in Chicago at the time. Well, I wouldn't have anything to really say about Chicago. I know. But I could. Yeah. I was gonna say I could wax on other sports. You don't even like Michael Jordan that much, actually. You're a huge LeBron fan. So your interview would just be like, I think Bron's the GOAT. I didn't really watch basketball. That's why it'd be a sort of interesting take, because I also think that Roger Federer's the GOAT. See, this is exactly why.

I just think it's worth considering other GOATs, sports-wise. He said he didn't even interview LeBron James about it, because he wasn't involved in the NBA then. Why would he interview somebody who actually never grew up watching or playing basketball? Other people that have been in that show weren't involved in the NBA. Like Barack Obama wasn't in the NBA. You don't have to bring up the Obama one. The Obama one was because he's the president. He lived in Chicago. He has a personal connection to MJ. He has a personal connection to the city don't forget about nobody else had nothing to do with chicago or the nba or michael jordan and you couldn't have been in the obama episode i probably if he had asked me if he had asked me to do it i would have been like i don't know what i could possibly say give yeah like i would have you would have declined

the interview request i don't think i would have declined You would have declined the interview request. I don't think I would have declined. I would have come up with something kind of like eloquent and meaningful on the day. I would have just like pulled something out of my ass. So let's say, hey, what do you think of Michael Jordan? Did you watch him growing up? I like LeBron, the steal, the block, the shot, the chase down. Nice. That type of shit. So you watched a basketball game in 2016 and you want to be in a bar.

I have a Hanes beefy tee. Nice. Because Jordan was the spokesperson or? Because he's what? Never mind. Forget it. All right. That's a wrap.

That's a cut. Thank you so much for coming. Did I give you anything usable, sir? I'm not even's a wrap. That's a cut. Thank you so much for coming. Did I give you anything usable, sir? I'm not even wearing a mic. A Jordan, as I call it. A drip over the craft service table. Oh! Oh!

Fuck! You land on Tony Kukoc. Sir, who the fuck are you? You tall drink of water. You clumsy ass. You pushed me into this Ritz Cracker stand. Did you finish The Last Dance?

No, I think I'm on episode nine right now. Oh, wow. No spoilers. I mean, it's wonderful. Beautiful, beautiful doc. Well made, doc. And shout out to Jason. You can listen to the whole interview on headgum.com.

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Thanks, DraftKings. And we have returned.a jake do you have any mom i'm coming yeah you know what i do really um naps naps folks you pro you anti is it new to you it is i'm pro it's not new new but i did just recognize how powerful they can be a 10-minute nap really goes a long way. Interesting. I feel like there's times when I feel like I'm tired and burnt out and I'm like, I could take a nap, but then I'm like, no, I'm too wired.

I won't be able to sleep. For example, I was feeling like that yesterday. I was feeling really tired, but also a little frantic, manic energy. I couldn't focus on one thing. It felt like there was a million things on my mind that i like couldn't quiet down uh-huh um which is to me i'm like that's the last like i won't be able to sleep but then i like put my head down i shut my eyes and in like two minutes i was out and i just passed out like a power nap 10 15 minutes fully recharged i woke up and i'm like wow i'm really glad I did that. Interesting.

I said, taking a nap when you think you shouldn't or you think you can't actually helps. Do you remember what time that nap was? That was at 11.45 p.m. And so I napped from around then until like 9. Right. That's sleep. You had a 10-hour overnight. overnight okay that's not a power nap you were tired because the day was over no that was it i took a i think it was like a 4 35

uh p.m nap that's good yeah yeah my rules on nap was like i i try to do it when it's still light out like once it's dark i'm like i can't nap and sometimes 5 p.m is like a winter nighttime nap which really fucks me up and then i like i i agree with you like as soon as i hit rem like that's enough like it's almost like yeah you're dunking your head underwater into subconscious and like you emerge feeling a little more well rested there's like diminishing returns because sometimes a nap can feel so good and you just want to give in and you're like i'll sleep for an hour and 15 minutes yeah and then you wake up and you're like i i'm

this is weird it feels like you're waking up in the middle of the night and you're yeah you're really out of sorts i think a 10 minute nap is is like a fucking it's like taking a limitless pill although i will say i think the 10 minute naps that i'm talking about and you're talking about only exist like when you also got a full night of sleep like if you only slept two to four hours the night before because something went terribly wrong you probably need more than that 10 minute extra recharge definitely yeah we're talking about after a full night of sleep but then also a full day yeah a full definitely after a full like an active day yeah a little turbo boost to get you to the end of the day and i have uh i i've grown to recognize the kind of tired that i need to have

to fall asleep like there's some that just like i feel kind of like exhausted but not necessarily sleepy but then like there are certain levels of tired that I reach where I'm, like, oh, I feel myself, like, sinking into the bed, sinking into the subconscious, sinking into the REM. Yeah. Wait, you're talking about that with, like, a nap or just in general? With a, like, pre-nap, I've come to recognize what kind of tired requires a nap and what kind of is just general, maybe more boredom than exhaustion.

Yeah. I think in these last few months, I've just learned to just give in to sleep when I feel it coming. That's probably for the best. Yeah. Like, oh, I'm getting tired. I could sleep. I'm going to do it.

And then I just instantly go to sleep. And then do you wake yourself up? I mean, if it's a nap, then I can count on myself to wake up in like 10 or 15 minutes. I don't usually set an alarm. You go to the bed or you do it on a couch? Couch. I couldn't do a bed nap. That's too much for me.

Couch nap is perfect. That's all you need. Yeah. I'm pro couch. For a nap, of course. All right. Let's see if we can answer some questions. Let's do it.

People are still in a state of flux, even though they're being locked down. They're still confused about the opposite sex, if you can believe it. I can. Here's an interesting one from a 20-year-old Canadian lady we'll call Alanis. Nice, like Morissette.

Yeah, my boyfriend of five years and I got into an argument weeks ago. Not relationship-threatening, but it still irks me today. Back in the 80s or whatever, some countries made couples getting married have blood tests to prove that they weren't related. A couple from Britain, I think, who was in love for years, got tested and they were unknowingly siblings. They were

both adopted, so they never had ties to or knew their biological family. Just by chance, they met up, fell in love and stuff. Devastating. But they stayed together and just couldn't have potentially fucked up inbred babies. I agree with their choice to stay together since they didn't develop their love knowing that they were siblings. But my boyfriend was absolutely disgusted by this and said that if we found out we were related, he would leave me no doubt. So my question is, what would you guys do in such a situation? Should I be mad? Is this a test proving that my boyfriend doesn't love me unconditionally?

Jake, if you found out that Jill was your sister, would you still have married her? Thanks, love, Alanis Morissette. What a specific quandary. I mean, I don't think so whoa that was a fast response yeah uh i would be really really surprised we look so unalike that's right at the very least cousins i think i do think that like maybe cousins is too far too but if we were like loosely related second cousins third cousins I'd think that'd be fine yeah um if I found out we were brother and sister that's definitely a deal breaker that's a game changer that's that's an opt-out

scenario but I wouldn't even have to make the choice because Jill would do the exact same thing let's bring her in right now. She has a completely different answer. What's up, brother? No! You divorce her, but she ends up getting married to Micah, who doesn't have any problems with it. I do. I don't know. I think that things like this come up in relationships every once in a while.

And it's always kind of weird because they're just hypotheticals that won't happen that like feel like they create a gap all of the sudden that's like it shouldn't be there anyway like this girl's probably not her boyfriend's sister right it's fine it's almost like the guy should have just said yeah i would stay with you and honestly so should you knowing full well that this would never come up. You might as well err on the side of unconditional. Oh, absolutely. I would rail my sister knowing that. I would feel so joyed to know that I Frenched my own sister. Spoken like a guy that doesn't have a sister.

That's true. I wonder, yeah, that's an interesting experiment here. Does this guy have a sister? And do you have a brother? Right, because maybe he's just like, ew, I don't want to kiss my sister, knowing that he has a sister. But if he doesn't have a sister, then it's like...

You don't really know what it's like. I won't even shake my sister-in-law's hand, knowing that it's borderline incest. It's despicable. Disgusting. And this was before covid jesus i i will at most bow to somebody across the thanksgiving table anything beyond that is just uncouth it's perverted it's perverse is this a test proving that my boyfriend doesn't love me unconditionally i guess he doesn't love

you unconditionally because that's this is a condition that he wouldn't fuck you if you were siblings i think there are reasonable conditions that you would anyone would really agree to like unconditional love is kind of a bizarre concept if you really think about it like right like if he murdered if he found out that he's been murdering animals in his spare time or like being mean to kids or like kicking old women as they cross the street that's yeah it's something you wouldn't love about him and that's a condition i understand that there's aspects of that like maybe there is something wrong with him that made him kick an old woman that was crossing the street and it's not that he's not worth loving. It's just that there's something that needs to be fixed, et cetera, et cetera. But even that, I feel like there's still conditions that you could make that would go so far beyond the pale

that you couldn't love them anymore. So unconditional love, in theory, is a farce. In practice, it probably makes a lot more sense because people don't often do uh you know go so far to the extreme this is you giving your vows so yes i will stick with you through thick and thin obviously but there comes a point like i wouldn't fuck my sister guys why am i on trial here? Here's a 23andMe. Will you spit into this tube? Will you spit into the tube, Jill?

We really should have done this before the ceremony. I think that it's good, ultimately, that he wouldn't marry you if you were his sister. Apply that to anyone else in the world. If know, like if your boyfriend was dating somebody else and he found out he was their brother, would you be like, oh, you should stay with them? Or would you be like, you should break up? You know? Yeah.

It's hard when it's happening to you, when you're your boyfriend's sister and you're like, oh shit, we're related. What are we going to do? Right. All right. Not grounds for dismissal not not grounds for dismissal seems not grounds for dismissal seems relatively um logical it's fine

in fact it's good it's a notch in his belt that he's being honest with you i think it's good i think it's ultimately good it's actually really good it's not really really good. He's a hero, in a way. Hero, yeah. Whoa, another 20-year-old female who's in Philadelphia. Oh. We'll call this one Jewel. She's from Alaska, then. Well, America.

Still. Hey, guys, I've been listening to you since day one and never sent my email, but now I must seek your advice. I'm 20, and I moved to Philly a few months ago, but i have not had the desire to hang out or hook up with anyone last week however i started talking to the super cute guy from bumble and we really want to fuck the downside we're in quarantine i've been completely isolated for two months but i don't know his situation i haven't had sex in eight months and need this dry spell to end how do i not fuck him or is it okay to he could have easily he could easily drive to me

and we could have a magical time or we could get the virus and die what do i do please help thanks love you i think there's ways to have sex while socially distancing. Interesting. You're talking about... Oh, yeah. Reverse cowgirl or doggy style where you aren't face-to-face at all. Oh, interesting. I know I could probably do it because I have a six-foot hog. So, like, I'm still six foot away from someone while fucking going to town because my hog is so long six feet you couldn't be six feet and go to town and still fucking someone because actually from

six feet it would only just touch yeah you'd actually have to have a 12 foot hog like i do what yeah so that way you can be six foot long and six foot inside someone that's right 12 foot hard but when I spit I can't quite reach your mouth um I I I don't know I think if I were it's hard for me to give advice because i am like married i get to live with someone i have companionship i think if i were single and i was living by myself i would have broken the rules i would i would have like found somebody on one of the dating apps been like have you been quarantining are you relatively safe i wear a mask when i go outside i'm pretty cool i don't feel sick i want to see you i I would do that. Yeah. But would you recommend it?

Would you recommend it? The podcast is called If I Were You, okay? I feel like I can't with a straight face tell them not to do this. And since we're recording this as a video, you feel like you're extra on the spot. I can't. Yeah, I would do it. I would have. I am sorry. I don't know what to say, man. Yeah, and this is why she shouldn't do it because this guy's probably also given into temptation

with more than just you, I think. I could, yeah. I think it's definitely worth thinking about that in your calculations that you might be being honest, but he's, solid chance he's lying yeah and it's not fine there's still there's always a risk there's always a risk and i think kissing maybe sex without kissing is less dangerous because you're not swapping spit no oral stuff i mean just and no kissing okay kids yeah if you go straight to the sex and never actually

you're both wearing masks and if you're fucking do it on the roof okay can you do it outside i mean there's a there's a bunch of follow-up questions that will raise or lower his risk profile does he live with roommates do his roommates go to work in a factory are they a doctor they come home every night does he live by himself has he been quarantined you don't quite know the answers to all this stuff and also like putting yourself at risk does that mean like that means you're not going to be able to like see your parents or see your friends or you'll you know that that makes it so you you are putting people you love and care about at risk as well.

That's right. If you're going to like hang out at an old folks home, maybe don't have sex with a stranger right now. Yeah. I would like to know the people that are getting sick right now in Los Angeles, like at a hospital today, getting admitted, have they been as careful as me and just randomly got it on a walk? Or is it like these are people who are going to work every day or providing some essential service and accidentally came in contact with a virus? I think I heard in New York that

most of the new cases were like non-essential workers who had been at home like they don't know exactly where they're catching it but like basically people that had been self-isolating but they're more at risk people like people older people that type of thing i see so not um necessarily basically i want to go one by one to the people like are you like me did you stay at home mostly but you went to whole foods once and handled an avocado or is it like are you going to fucking parks and protests and swimming pools and talking to people in public a lot right are you wearing a mask outside i'd love to know yeah how come they don't have that data they must but i think it's just all so fucking messy yeah we know like the numbers but we messy. Yeah, and we know the numbers, but we don't know quite the stories behind the numbers.

Maybe because of privacy laws and stuff like that? Maybe. I think it's all just also happening in real time, so we can't just like, hey, all the people that got sick yesterday, they were all wearing masks, but they're all going to different hospitals. Compiling all that information is hard.

Yeah, unless, I mean, it's probably unlikely but you can't do shit i'm just thinking outside the butt a little i started a tumblr i guess an only fans of sorts in which i yeah in which i zoom or actually i wear a GoPro on my face. You're making it so convoluted. A Tumblr or an OnlyFans where you have a GoPro or a zoom. So you haven't decided on any platform or any equipment yet. And then for $8 a month, I will go door to door at a fucking hospital interviewing people who are sick and ask them their age, their gender, their

race, their story. It will be done in privacy. It will be done in confidence. It will be done in jest. Yes. You are jest. What? You're infinite jest.

In that I'm long and no one's ever finished me. That six-foot hog. With a twelve-foot hose. jest and that i'm long and no one's ever finished me that six foot hog with a 12 foot hose uh yeah i want some more data is all i don't know is that too much to ask no i don't think so i mean we all want it i thought of an idea for our um we're starting to do bonus videos on our patreon where we just record this zoom uh so for this tuesday remember the idea of us taking an sat yeah so like we get a practice sat and we start answering see if we can answer questions from it almost together sort of dip our toes in the water like do i remember what this fucking analogy is nice yeah you have an essay is it are we doing uh do you have an sat question right now i don't

but for tuesday i'm saying we can try to stump each other with sat questions i really like that let's see if i can pull up an sat question okay just want something english or um math verbal or math um what do you want i mean i want math but i'm afraid it won't translate very well when you start describing to me like the sides of a triangle or something. Right. Okay. So let's do a sample verbal. Let's do reading comp and give me 48 minutes to read a fucking story and answer three questions.

Should we do a vocab one? Okay, a vocab. All right. Let me see. I'm trying to think back to my days of studying words from a book called Word Smart. That's like SAT words that are meant to stump you or something. Okay, here we go. Yeah. Ready?

Yeah. Sullen is to smile as A, gleeful is to joy, reluctant is to willingness, respectful is to courtesy, evasive is to fear, composure is to conscience. Wow. So right off the bat, none of them stick out to me. Sullen is to smile. So when you're not sullen, you smile. So I have to say when you're not x you're y so so read when you're not the first word you are the second word right well so what sullen is to smile yeah okay and then give

me the options again gleeful is to joy when you're not gleeful, you aren't joy. No, that one's not correct. Right. Reluctant is to willingness. When you are reluctant, you aren't. Oh, yes, it's that one. Reluctant and willingness. Opposites. Yes, that's correct. Yes. I got a 1600. Honestly, I think it's correct. I can't click through to the answer. So I think it's correct, though. We should definitely do this. That's very fun. Yeah, I also had some...

You're not taking a sample SAT. I had some weird flashbacks trying to figure this out to my high school days in a cold room. I wonder how people are taking SATs now. There's a couple of schools I read that weren't using them anymore. Isn't like the USC system going off the SAT? Oh, yeah.

They're like just not counting test scores? Yeah, like University of California schools are not doing that. I also saw like the other day like AP Bio was trending because like kids were taking that AP Bio test online and tweeting about it. I'm like, how do you take an AP test while you're at

home using the internet? That seems risky behavior. God, I would have been cheating so hard. I'm sure they are. Alright, that's it. That's our time. Let's get this puppy online just in time for Memorial Day. Happy Memorial Day, everyone.

Happy Memorial Day. The unofficial start of summer. Let's fucking go. Let's go ham. Let's go out. Let's fucking do this. Let's fuck on a roof, kids. Go to your friend's house and stay 31 feet away and eat a hamburger, throw a mask

and leave. Perfect. The opening theme song was written by Luke. This closing one was written by somebody else. Let's see. Oh, Reese Alexander, who made a John Wolf-style song. Okay, very interesting. He has a YouTube channel.

He has a YouTube channel called Ignore the Spots to plug, so check out Reese's YouTube channel. And if you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifiw you show at gmail.com. We still need it all. We're still recording in our own special way. And we'll be back next week. More videos on our Patreon and more of us talking on the HeadGum podcast.

That's right. That's Jeffrey James hosting. It's us too. It's right. That's Jeffrey James hosting. It's us two. It's Riley. We're going to get some more HeadGum friends and family on there as soon as possible. Subscribe to the HeadGum podcast. It's been a mess both times in a fun way, I think. Yeah.

If you guys like this show, you will definitely like that one. So check it out. And we'll be back next week. See you guys. Bye. Later. What gets him off is just knowing in the back of his head that people are scrambling that he's disrupted yeah the status things are different because of him and always for the worst

he's a villain yeah he's a villain he's a social villain for sure a lot of it is with me being a public nuisance, a dickling, and a chaos creator. Yeah, and then I'll howl at the moon and say, I am John Wolfe. How is he still around? How is he still alive? How is he not in jail? Because technically none of the things he's doing is illegal. John Wolfe went to a crowded school and pooped in it. He actually passed the buck onto a 75-year-old. And they suspected Wolf.

And they tested the feces and it was hers. He must have... He tanned it for about the end of it. I don't know, dude. That was a HateGum Podcast.