Segments - 437: Black Lives Matter

Episode Date: June 1, 2020

In this episode we try to get down some thoughts and feelings about these difficult, depressing times -- then do our best to answer some questions. If you're looking for donation resources, check out this helpful website.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. All right.

Welcome to If I Were You, a comedy podcast being recorded in a low point in human history. A comedy podcast we must record because we have to release it today, but none of us feel very funny. Yeah. This kind of reminds me of the morning after Trump episode where we're just like, let's just talk about our feelings and what the hell we're going through right now. Yeah, exactly. Only our feelings matter so much less in this specific scenario. It feels weird to get through emails being like, this chick swiped me right on Tinder and I don't know if I should hook up with her because she says she's in an open.

How I pine for those problems to be the problems. Wouldn't that be good? For those to be the real problems. It's fun because they're superficial. It seems like every three months, we wish we could just go back to three months earlier where things were, we thought was the lowest point, but didn't quite hit rock bottom yet.

Yeah, when it was just a pandemic? Can you remember when it was just coronavirus and not this mass oppression that we were actively fighting and experiencing through every major American city? I guess the oppression and racism has always been there. So rewinding the clock three months wouldn't really fix that. But I guess the sort of boiling point that we're in feels kind of tough to live in. Yeah, you went to a protest the other day in Brooklyn.

I did. I think, so Carnell went to one on Friday and Saturday. And I was sort of trying to like build up my mental fortitude because, you know, pandemic, you're told to stay away from the crowds. But I was feeling really awful, didn't know what else to do. And then I went to the protest on Sunday, and it was very nice. It was not what I had like built up in my head. It wasn't, it was not scary at all. They're like, everybody was keeping their distance.

Everybody was very respectful. You're listening to passionate, moving speeches. And it was an entirely, I guess I wouldn't say nice time because it's like very emotional, but it was, it was, it was,

it was a beautiful moment, I'd say. That's right, yeah. And then as these protests often do, like one little bit of escalation from one party creates this negative feedback loop and spirals out of control. And then you see these videos on Twitter

or TikTok or wherever you're getting. And then that's all you see. Like there's one car on fire and that is it. It just dominates the news. But there was a lot of nice stuff and no cars on fire where I was. That's good. Or even more than the cars on fire is the looting.

Like everybody seems, the stories and the images and the videos that are most compelling is the looting, the destruction of property, which seems to be like the third most like if you're ranking everything you're thinking of like okay the worst thing of all is this system that's been built up and governmental and systemic way to keep the white man on top and then there's the protest violence which is awful and then even below that i think is like destroying targets and

whole foods and stuff like that but yeah for whatever reason that's the thing that gets focused on the most it is and it's such a weird yeah it's like and it gets focused on the most and it's like nitpicked like hey this isn't helping the cause this isn't helping your cause this isn't gonna this isn't gonna change anything if you if you loot a target but that's like not the main thing that's happening and it's also i don't know net fine yeah i'm not that's the stuff that concerns me the least is how like these giant store chain stores are going to be affected by the broken windows um but yeah and then you look at you know the leaders of

america and that's the thing that they focus on the most trump is not weighing in on whether or not there are systems in place that keep certain persons of color uh at the bottom he's more like can you believe these thugs that are breaking the windows of a bar let's fucking shoot them like it's easier to like you're nitpicking the process or complaining about you're complaining about like the a foul or something but not about like the game itself yeah i read a tweet that was like if i killed one of your family members i think i'd understand if you broke one of my windows like that that part doesn't piss me off yeah yeah that makes i mean this whole thing this i guess this whole recent thing was set off by um george floyd being literally murdered on camera so i guess that's what is the most alarming upsetting terrible thing about this

and seeing like people walk out of patagonia with surfboards doesn't quite register as much as that yeah when and also like um brianna taylor and ahmad arbery like people that was murdered in the street and like their murderers weren't arrested. Somebody, uh, Brianna was also just like murdered, murdered in her house. They like kicked in the door and shot her. So yeah,

uh, you can get the athleisure from target. Yeah. It's going to be okay. Uh, so what are we supposed to do? Uh, I'm just reading as much as possible, learning as much as possible,

trying to educate myself as much as possible. I don't know. There's no like quick fix, obviously, to this thing that's been around since the beginning of America, probably. It's early in like our education, I guess. Like we can't come on a podcast on Monday and like talk about how we think and feel.

It's, we've been sort of ignoring it or like futzing around on the edges and for too long. So we have to dive in and I don't know anything yet. Yeah. But we wanted to, I guess not ignore it, but also not spend the entire episode on it.

So we figured let's just talk about anything about it for as long as we can and then maybe we'll take a break and then come back and try to record a normal podcast so people can pick and choose the experience that they want right now do they want to listen to us sort of tiptoe around and try to figure out what our thoughts are and speak them in a semi-eloquent manner or do they just want to hear us answer questions i can't even get close to eloquent so if you want to skip ahead 10 minutes and talk about and talk to the game boy let me know just skip skip skip i was like it's such a weird moment because there's like, I think that we're used to just like,

basically it's like a privileged position to always think about moments and like these cultural touchstones to be like, how do I fit in? What does this mean for me what do i do how can i help but it's like this moment that's not about us so there's like some sort of learning curve to just being like shut up listen but also an inclination to help and do something but recognizing that you are on the top and benefiting from the system that's in place

that's hurting people yeah so it's like it's not about you but it's about the system that you partake in actively into your benefit so i don't know there's i really have no fucking clue what to do tell me how to ruin it from the inside it's weird to be like oh this whole thing is so messed up and it's making me feel really uncomfortable and sad like good yeah that's fine that's good you can feel those things and that's how i do feel yeah especially since we are the same color and gender as the bad guys of this story yeah my life has been very very easy. So what can we do? Donate your time. Donate your voice.

Donate your cash. Yeah. Donate your mind. You can donate your brain to science. Really? And to charity. The URL we found that seems to have the most information and options to donate your money is blacklivesmatters.card.co. It's hard to spell.

That's C-A-R-R-D. Yeah. Blacklivesmatters, plural, dot C-A-R-R-D dot C-O. Yeah. Places to donate. You can donate to the victims, to the protesters, to the black-owned businesses, or other important places. So that's just, if you don't have money to donate you can spread the link we'll tweet it you

can retweet you can fave every little bit helps that's right amplify yeah and then you should probably be listening to podcasts where two white men aren't sort of batting around their feelings to each other yeah definitely i would say that if you came here to, I mean, we're just sort of in the same moment with you if you're confused and uncomfortable. There's definitely better podcast resources that can teach you much better than is only going to be amplified by all the, you know, protesting in close proximity and people getting thrown in buses and vans and prisons. And it's all getting worse. It's bad and it's getting worse. Yeah, I mean, this really, like, it's crazy that it took all four years of Trump's presidency to get to this point. I guess we've been on a simmer for a while. But what we're in right now is what I feared when we were talking about the Trump election.

Yeah. The day after he was elected. I mean, you see photos of the White House with its lights off and surrounded by fires. It's like, okay, he is at the epicenter of this giant, colossal meltdown. Yeah. You know they put him in the panic room yesterday, right? That's nice. They should have left him there.

Somebody mentioned that Joe Biden should just come out and start acting like president, like give a State of the Union like start talking and everyone just like we just crossfade to joe biden and like start to ignore donald trump completely that would be great i didn't they just left trump in the panic room it's like okay sir this is for your safety uh he's like there's no uh there's no food in here there's no water that's fine you're you're morbidly obese so i assume you could survive for at least a few weeks off just water alone closet this is the panic room buddy i mean he's not even he's not even saying anything he's not even addressing anybody he's just sitting there tweeting about people stealing stuff from Walmart. Yeah.

I woke up the other day and he just, I'm like, let's see what's on Twitter. And the top tweet was him tweeting China with an exclamation mark. I'm like, all right. That's interesting. Good. Nice. Yeah. He was trying to make Obamagate happen or something.

Yeah. Accusing President Obama of a crime. Like, yeah, okay, buddy. That's like eye on the ball here. Rome is burning, so you'd have to point to your last president and say that it's going to make Obamagate look like small potatoes or whatever he said. Oh, no. We're fucked and it's getting worse everything is bad and it's getting worse what what'll be the next thing what will be the next thing natural disaster i feel like we're due for one of those because you know they're yeah like

the virus is bad and then the cities are burning. Like the oppression has reached a boiling point. And now let's like throw in what a tornado or hurricane. Oh, a forest virus. That could be, that could be one. Yeah. Cause we,

summer months are coming up. Yeah. Definitely. I would, I'm, I'm with you. Natural disaster. That's the,

that's, that's the icing on the cake. That's like, Oh, maybe, you know know like in sims when you could sort of create natural disasters to your cities um i feel like we're there's going to be a monster that's what's interesting a godzilla of sorts giant kraken comes out of the sea uh in miami and just sort of starts like pulling buildings down with its tentacles that's what's next that's good at least the buildings are completely empty because of the disease yeah that's cool that's good um and so we're in june three months from now is what september

end of summer um september 1st end of summer do you think the world seems better or worse than right now are we at the low point or are we like on our knees about to face plant onto rock bottom yeah it's hard to it's it really all depends on what you consider rock like are these protests are they quote unquote good for society because people have finally had enough and then we're having the difficult conversations and then we're having the outbreak uh of anger like you can say that this is all a good thing this is inspiring like what's worse is uh the few months before this where all this stuff was still happening but everyone was silent so really it's hard to quantify good and bad.

Is the fever breaking right now, or is it getting worse? Yeah, or is it like pedal to the metal? We're not releasing, just heading towards a disaster. How can things get better? I just don't see a path unless like nothing can happen like the you can't dismantle centuries of oppression in three months the disease is around more people now than it was three months ago and we're starting to reopen things so like that's gonna be bad like los angeles two days ago it's like all right let's fucking reopen restaurants you can eat in a

restaurant and everyone's like what who's gonna go there who's gonna do that there's no yeah there's seemingly no strategy it's just like boredom or it's just like like you know what all right i don't care open it up yeah and california is supposedly supposed to be one of the most liberal smartest science driven states in los angeles the california of cal California. And they're like, all right, record case numbers, death's still going up. Let's open restaurants. Let's do it. Let's fucking open the restaurants. Yeah. And New York City is supposed to be one of the most liberal cities in the world, if not the most liberal city in the world. And here we are, like, throwing protesters in jail and shit and escalating violence in the street.

Yeah. Did you see that picture of a bunch of white millennials eating brunch in front of a protest? I sure did. I sure did. Oh, zooming in, that's you. You're eating some sort of Benedict. I honestly, yeah, it feels like that a week ago that was me. Yeah, I can see you having

corned beef hash and then behind you a police officer sort of escalating the violence, throwing an old man down with his shield. That's quite enough, okay? What? I was protesting as well because my toast was burnt. Oh, yeah, I have no idea. That was the worst well because my toast was burnt. Oh, yeah.

I have no idea. That was the worst thing that ever happened to me. There's also an election coming up. You sort of forget that. Everyone was worried that the election would be all-consuming, a year of debates, and how annoying it will be. Now the election is in November. It's June, and I haven't heard of Joe Biden in the last few weeks. I think he went to a protest yesterday.

That's nice. Let's say that website again, because we aren't a good resource, but we have a small platform, and all we can do is try to direct people to the same resources that we're using. Even if we don't fully know or have the same experience as the people we're trying to help but black lives matters dot c-a-r-r-d dot c-o yeah and uh all right let's take a break thank some sponsors come back with a a half version of our comedy podcast after this yeah thank you to squarespace for sponsoring this version of our comedy podcast after this. Yeah. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah.

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Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point.

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Oh, sorry. Okay, that's all the energy I could muster. Let's go. I'll see you in a week. Here's a suggestion email, not a question, but Anna writes, Jake might like Stardew Valley. Stardew Valley. What is that?

Yeah, I guess not sure if you've... Yeah, she finds it like Animal Crossing without the stressful parts. It's more focused on the farming and resources and the people are actually humans and the animals don't talk and the time doesn't pass while you aren't playing. So you don't get yelled at by Nook

after a couple of days off. Did that happen to you? Did you get yelled at by Nook? I didn't get yelled at, butok after a couple days off did that happen to you did you get yelled at by nook i didn't get yelled at but i've heard that people like i one of the residents of my island was like i haven't seen you in a while where have you been that kind of thing yeah but yeah it's a little stressful that time passes in real time that was definitely a conscious choice to make it seem like i could never stop playing animal crossing but nook's not the boss of me and i have stopped playing oh you stopped well not stop stopped but over the weekend i definitely took some time off i didn't visit my island yeah i saw you at the protest holding up a nintendo switchering if anyone had a charge.

All right. Here's an actual question people had. This one is from a 22-year-old bisexual girl from the Philippines. Okay. We'll call her Philippa. I've been with my boyfriend for almost five years now, and he's literally perfect and does not cause me any problems. Our families are pretty close and my parents love

him. Here's my issue. All this time alone and away from him because of quarantine has got me thinking that I haven't had my life explored like in the dating world. We met at a sophomore year of college and we've been together ever since, so I didn't get a chance to date around and explore new people. He's really committed to me and even talks about wanting to marry me and start a family with me. And that's great and all, but I kind of don't want to settle down yet. And I feel like if I don't get out of this relationship now, I'll have a hard time getting out of it in the future. Yeah, I mean, she's been in it for five years. I've only ever been comfortable with my sexuality these past few years. And so I've never even been with a girl before. Basically, to make a long story short, I want to start dating girls.

But I'm scared I might be throwing away a good thing. Hope you guys answer this. Thanks, love you. Well, this is a weird time to be like, I want to see other people. That being said, I can't see anybody else for a couple months to a year. Yeah, but it is also true like this moment right now is the easiest

time you'll have getting out of your relationship like if you stay together through the quarantine it's going to be harder because you've gone through another hardship and stayed together so your relationship is thus more fortified a little further it's like oh we've been together for seven years we can't break up now there's like it's not going to get easier to break up it only gets harder so if you're feeling like you want to break up you should do it right now yeah um but then you can't what are you gonna how are you gonna explore your um bisexual side of dating women for the first time ever if you can't leave your house for very often you can do it virtually for for a time until uh until you're ready to start going on dates irl it feels like cool it'd be an interesting time to be single but like you could meet people on

the apps chat chat see who you like and then do a socially distant date where you go on a walk with a mask that's kind of nice like i think you'd be happy to go on a date wearing a mask pressure is pretty low you don't have to like make a first impression they won't see your face that's good you could have a zit you can have bad breath which was the hardest part for me dating like oftentimes my gums and plaque would reek of shit and like that's it's hard to say like stay six feet away from me when we're meeting up for the first time and it's hard to say like i actually don't smell like tuna if i'm leaning in for a kiss and I reek. I reek of fish. Yeah.

Why not just brush your teeth? Oh, that's true. I feel like I should have written into the podcast. I just got a whiff of your breath. I don't know how over Zoom. I don't know how, but I saw your microphone just wilted. Green steam came out of my mouth you have greasy breath speaking of greasy check out the head gum podcast me you jeff riley marika we're just hanging out

once a week uh that's a greasy that's a greasy pot yeah things get very greasy very silly over there so if you need an extra dose of silliness, we recorded an episode last week before we were depressed. Or only mildly depressed. That'll be a good release. Yeah. Again, you always wish you can rewind time to two months previous, so I can't wait to see what happens in early august to september

that makes us pine for this day insane cannot imagine cannot imagine sure it will happen i would also say as you're as you're breaking up with your boyfriend tell him exactly why tell him everything you told us um and and he might have some insight as well like maybe he'll be like cool with an open relationship like you seeing other girls might not be a bad thing yeah yeah if he's if he's been chill so far he may he might he might continue that trend yeah and a lot of guys are less threatened by women it's not it's not like you're asking to date another guy you're like i want to explore my female sexuality and date females he might be more open to it yeah than just like i want to date that dude versus you

all right here's another one. This one's pretty funny. Hey, guys. We'll call this guy Reginald. Hey, guys. I have a question about pubes, writes Reginald. When I started dating my GF, I noticed she has an interesting trim pattern. She doesn't shave the underside of her business because she has sensitive skin, which makes sense.

She said she trims it with scissors sometimes. Sounds dangerous, but I'd venture a guess that that trim doesn't happen too often. I don't really like getting a mouthful of bush every time I go down on her. If I bought a nice pube trimmer, would it be totally out of line to suggest she try it too? If it helps, I'm planning on proposing soon. I have a ring and everything. Thank you for your help. I would propose first.

She might be changing her mind if you say. You get down on one knee with a trimmer. Will you shave yourself and marry me? A mouthful of pubes oh god so propose and then uh what's the most gentlest way to bring up the idea that uh he would prefer if the uh pubes weren't as bushy on the underside despite the fact that she has sensitive skin. Yeah, I just think you can't. I just think you can't. I don't know.

I don't think you can. I think it's impossible. I do. Even if you're engaged to have an open, honest conversation about pubic hair, if you're coming from the right place. Yeah, I think when you're married, there's going to be a lot less puke maintenance. If it wasn't happening during the courtship phase, it's not going to start now.

What about the fiancé-ship of it all? You know, you're obligated to marry still, obviously. It's not a real contract, but it's a social one. And you guys can talk about the fringe details like pubic hair personal hygiene things of that nature and yeah maybe something will come up that she can hopefully potentially maybe if she's interested and wants i think you my true advice is to just get used to having pubes in your mouth and that's fine that's that's that's someone you love i have no problem having pubes in my mouth strangers pubes never bothered me you know it's fine even if it was in my soup like yeah you you like licking the vagina just enjoy everything that comes with it whether it's pubes or not that's that's it's all it's all

positive okay but if you really if you feel like if you feel like uh you really really can't stand it then i think the only measure you can take is start having a meticulous pube grooming ritual for yourself. Lead by example. Don't ask your fiance to do anything you aren't doing yourself, pube-wise. Maybe she'll be inspired. Maybe she'll be inspired. Maybe she'll see your pubes and be like, damn, that's a neat line. How did you get that?

They're all so uniform. Yeah, thanks. I'm intrigued. How'd you get the fucking vicious triangle on top of your peen? Is that a zero fade from your grundle? A zero fade? A comb over? My mom's pubis has a bald spot.

All right, one last question. Sure. Another lady from Vancouver, so we'll call her Kanada. Can you tell that we're drained creatively, that we're coming up with names that just sort of rhyme with where these people are from? that's that's on us uh again i apologize low energy bad effort from us but here we are doing our best low energy jeb and sleepy joe are hosting this one i'm gonna take off my mask how funny is it that trump's nickname for jo Biden is Sleepy Joe when last election he couldn't come up with that adjective sleepy for someone he called low energy Jeb?

So he should have used, you're saying he should have waited on low energy? Well, no, it should have been Sleepy Jeb. It's insane that a nickname was four syllables long, low energy Jeb. And then he was like, oh, it's so much faster to say sleepy, sleepy Joe. That's right. Anyhow. All right. Have you resigned yourself to the idea that Trump might win the selection in November?

Like we'll just have another four to 40 years of this guy um i guess no i have not it's i'm i can't accept it and i can't uh all right canadia writes long time listener and you guys have got me through multiple unrequited loves yeah not even breakups lol glad i got to shake Amir's hand in Vancouver in 2018 before it was illegal. I swear it wasn't me that gave you the flu. So hear me out. Baby Zoomers, the name for the next generation of people born after COVID. Yay? Nay? Genius? Thoughts? I'll see myself out. You're welcome.

So instead of Baby Boomers, this next generation of people are going to be called baby zoomers that's pretty solid the weird thing to me i guess is that like calling someone a zoomer because they were born during zoom like while other people were zooming like isn't it weird because it it implies that they are the ones that use zoom all the time but really it was their parents that were using zoom all the time oh yeah yeah but baby boomers are because the parents were fucking after the war and there was a boom of babies yeah they called it the baby boom so you're like oh i'm a baby boomer. So it'd more be like, what is... I get the spirit of this, and I think it's not bad at all.

I think it's pretty solid. You'll allow baby zoomers? Yeah, I guess I would. Want to feel old? This baby zoomer is four months. What will that next generation be called i don't know what's what are we're millennials there's like the silent generation baby boomer gen y gen z that's the young generation right now yeah and who comes up with the names of it but like they don't they haven't gotten like their moniker i don't know well if you're out there let me i'm gonna google the different names of the generations generation

naming systems and is it just an american thing i don't know that either like you're not a are you a baby boomer if you were born during that time but in like london maybe because it was all about the world war all right well there's a giant wikipedia on generation so i and i don't think it's the right kind we'll see you in uh another two weeks i guess i've got well i have some other more important reading to do to be honest now you should really get to the bottom of why they're called gen x i am seeing that now post-millenn, that's what this one next one is called. Post-millennials headed by when Post Malone was born. Everybody after Post Malone is a post-millennial.

Okay, Zoomer. Okay, consumer. I don't know if I trust the idea, or I don't know if I like the idea of a generation being named after a product, though. Like, that's free advertising for Zoom. That bumped me a little bit, too, actually. It is crazy how much Zoom is killing it. Yeah.

Jesus Christ. This is like... Even Google can't get in there. No. I heard of this technology, like, the day after the pandemic, I think, right? Yeah, and by that time, it was already like a publicly traded company. So it had to have been around for years and years. And we just didn't like,

look for Zoom in your email. Were we on a Zoom call three years ago and just didn't realize it? It's like a weird tech, like struggling startup. It's like, and for a year or two, I think I like recorded podcasts with you over facetime and with murph and emily and caldwell on like google hangouts it was so laggy and bad yeah the big problem is like when two people are talking at once how does the software handle that because

some people like some software it's like let's just silence everybody and you can't hear anything some people let the louder person talk and the silence the other person some people let both of them at the same time yeah zoom does a pretty solid job of uh blending that audio so like even when three people are talking over each other you hear everyone i don't yeah yeah i think i've noticed that like the loudest person is the clearest and then you could but you can still hear the other people. Looks like our first Zoom call was actually in late October. Wow. So we were using it relatively recently, but still before the pandemic.

Yeah, we did it for a HeadGum company-wide meetings. Interesting stuff. Oh, yeah. When all of New York and all of la were in the same room we only needed two of us that's right weird a time of innocence a time of zooms uh all right well we definitely talked for 30 to 40 minutes which is pretty good all things considered yeah we got it out we i mean late low energy bad but can you blame us for that honestly it's your problem if you're not happy with it like that's on you i didn't do anything

wrong i accept something uh all right for more questions and answers um and theme song send it to if i were you show at gmail.com we didn't open with a theme song but we did get a good one from vicky this week, so maybe we can close with it. Vicky, I think she said, shout out her boyfriend. Let me look up her boyfriend's name. And there's more silliness to be had

on the HeadGum podcast and our Patreon has videos. We're quizzing each other. We're taking the SATs. We're answering questions. We're watching our old videos. Indeed. That's a nice,

tens of hours, a lot of stuff on our Patreon. Yeah. Vicky wrote a theme song, shout out to her boyfriend, David. So thank you to Vicky and David. Thanks to you guys for listening.

The URL again, if you would like, uh, if you can spare anything is, uh, black lives matters dot card, C-A-R-R-D dot C-O. Yeah, thanks for listening. We'll be back next week.

I can't wait to see what the future holds. Yeah, I'm hopeful and scared. We'll see. Today we're gonna seize the cheese. Buy some beard oil and eat chicks mom's cookies Amir can't

stream his TV shows his wifi sucks and there's no files what I'd do if I were you I'd pee in a bottle and sell it to you What I'd do if I were you I'd listen to these two gorgeous