Segments - 44: Awkward

Episode Date: December 9, 2013

In this episode we discuss study buddies, masturbating, and how to act normal. This episode is brought to you by WarbyParker.com -- awesome eyewear for super low prices, and now they have gift cards! Use WarbyParker.com/Amir for free expedited shipping. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

I woke up in a new Bugatti. Hey, this episode is brought to you by. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast. We're here to help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters and blankets delivered straight to your door. How do I know this? Because Brooklinen delivered me a quilt, sheets,

pillowcases, and I love them. Plus, Brooklinen has been tested and awarded by experts, including Good Housekeeping, GQ, Wirecutter, and the hosts of We're Here to Help. So listeners can save a ton by purchasing a hardcore bundle, which includes a core sheet set, which is the thing I got, extra pillowcases, and a duvet cover. You can also mix and match. They do this stripe thing that's cool, but that's a dealer's choice. So are you ready to build your dream fall bed? Visit in-store or online at brooklinen.com. That's brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. The $5 meal deal at McDonald's means you get to pick between a McDouble or a McChicken. Then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four-piece McNuggets.

That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Get the $5 meal deal today. Prices and participation may vary for a limited time only. Warby Parker. That means you loved it. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning

customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly.

Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday?

Interesting. Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah oh vision lifters yeah vision lifters with a z and not where you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to Squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hell yeah. So again, you go to Squarespace.com slash SEGMENTS. SEGMENTS. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. One, two, three, four. If I were you, the trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. One, two, three, four. If I were you, the show.

If I were you, the show. If I were you, the show. Seeds, that cheese. Jake and Armin. They'll answer all your questions. If they don't, I don't know. Mic's turned on and they're ready to go

If I read the show If I read the show If I read the show See the juice Height. Height. That's a cover of a song by the Raymonds, actually. The Ramones. The Raymonds. actually the the ramones raymond everybody loves the raymonds

it's a really bad sitcom pitch that i have uh this was 1968 so like it wasn't even like a play on anything at the time was ray what is that guy's name ray romano was he around then he was alive but he was like maybe eight years old. He wasn't funny yet. No. I mean, he was funny, but you know, third graders are funny. They're funny. They're like, yeah, they're silly. Like they put potato chips in their nose.

That's funny. That's hilarious. Yeah. Anyway, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted in a La Quinta in Austin, Texas. I'm Amir. And I'm Jake. You're naked. I'm Jake. You're naked.

I'm nude. You're nude. I'm nude. No joke. This is, yeah, this is a really compromising. How do we do this? This is so funny and bare bones. We're at a pretty budget hotel.

Yeah. You're naked in your bed, so like like under the covers i've set up shop around you i've been sleeping for the last three hours you just woke me up this podcast was all set up you handed me a microphone and then i was just like hey i don't know if i have the energy to do it if i were you the show if i were you the show yeah it was pitch black in. I like very slowly taped a microphone to your chest. You sort of like stumbled awake, but you didn't realize you were just like. And then it was, if I were you, and you shot up.

What the hell's going on? I tried to get you to stop, but my hands are tied down. It's too late. I'm already recording, and we're here, and it's now. A surprise recording. How's it been going for you how are you halfway across america uh yeah it's been a fever dream uh actually john and john carlo yesterday were like it seems like um our night in charlottesville is just like another

world do you remember the gusberger that we had God, yeah, that was so long ago. It seems like that was last year. Yeah. It was like three days ago. We're crazy. It really is insane. It's a wild ride, this life thing. I highly recommend it. Shut the fuck up, dude.

What? I'm done talking with you. We just started the show. I'm exhausted. It's entirely you talking. There's literally no other aspect. I guess me talking. So how does the show work?

It's an advice podcast. People write us in. If I read your show at gmail.com, we sift through the questions, we answer them one at a time on this here program. It's people who are finding themselves in difficult situations and need our advice, and we do our best to give it to them.

How was that? Perfect. Was it? Well, you said write us in again. Okay our best to give it to them. How was that? Perfect. Was it? Well, you said write us in again. Okay, so please give me more notes. No, it's good. People write to us. Okay, what else?

People send us their questions. What else don't you like about me? What? I'm what? You're chewy. I'm chewy? Okay, so I'm chewy. I said email us in.

You're chewy. These are the two things. You're doughy. I'm doughy. You're doughy. I'm doughy. Greasy. I'll give you greasy, You're dewy. I'm dewy. You're dewy. I'm dewy. Greasy. I'll give you greasy, but dewy, that's just uncouth.

It's uncalled for. You're stacked. You're stacked. I'm a stallion. I guess another thing about you is that you're very argumentative. I mean, you ask me to list terrible things about yourself every night. And you seem to want honesty, but then you disagree with everything that I say. Bring it.

There are no wrong answers. It's just cool how low they are blowing. Is you practicing being defensive? It's like, what could anyone say about you? I hit you with every single hard truth that I know. I put on clothes and go out for the night and i look at the mirror and i just say what are you talking about how can you what are you saying right now you're really gonna do that to me yeah okay okay okay you tried on this shirt the other

day and you scowled and said fuck off with that attitude like that was your that was my test that was your am i talking to you or are you talking to me moment. Before I buy a shirt, I have to know whether I can be pissed off in it. Oh, cool. So this is what the shirt looks like when I turn away. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. We're actually in Austin.

I don't even want to say this. I was going to say we're in Austin. This is so dumb. I hate this. I'm going to say we're in Austin. This is so dumb. I hate this. I'm embarrassed now. What? Tell me what it is. I was just going to say, just know that I think this is stupid so you don't have to point it out.

We're in Austin, which is where I bought my first plaid shirt. Can we talk about that for an hour and a half? You egomania. You megalo ass. You were hosting a podcast. You're speaking to the microphone. Me, me, everything's about me, me, me. Those of you guys out there listening, think of me. There is no minutia about myself that's uninteresting.

For example, where I bought my first plaid shirt. To be fair, I am the one that told you this morning. Yeah, that's why I was in my brain space. This is where you bought your first plaid shirt. Life after denim. Look them up, boys and girls. All right, let's get to these questions. All right.

These are real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity anonymity we'll call this first person george w bush george w writes hey bros so there's this girl i really like and she wants to hang out i really want to hang out too but she wants it to be with other people she's's afraid that if we hang out alone, it'll be awkward, which it wouldn't be. We have no problem talking over text, but how do I create the same atmosphere when we hang out? So I guess my question is, how do I get her to hang out with me alone? And then if that happens, how do I make it not awkward so she will want to hang out again?

Gee, W, it sounds like it might be awkward. Yeah, if that's a concerning issue for you. Yeah, I'm saying I'm going to hang out with this girl, but I don't want it to be, but she thinks it's going to be awkward. It's not going to be awkward. How do I make sure? How am I not weird to her?

What if there's a silence, then what? I told her I'm not awkward how do i make it so that's not a lie because it's gonna be fucking weird it's gonna be real awkward let's let's just let you in on a little secret i make people uncomfortable i am quirky in a bad way you know zoe de chanel and the new? I'm like that, but a guy. A dorkable except without any of the redeeming qualities. I'm just a dork. That's it.

I am a dark word. A dork word. A dork. Word. King. King dork. King dork word. Dork wad.

Anyway. So, how does he make it not awkward? I feel like you already make it awkward when you're being standoffish about you guys are trying to discuss who you should hang out with. If she's like, yeah, let's hang out with other friends, you shouldn't be like,

no, it'll just be us. It'll be fine. Yeah, if anything, hanging out with friends is the least awkward thing you can do. That's what you want the first date or two to be. That's perfect. Yeah, because then you can make jokes in a group.

Maybe people will laugh at them and then you can still talk to her one-on-one. That's perfect. Yeah, because then you can make jokes in a group. Maybe people will laugh at them and then like, you know, you can still talk to her one-on-one. That's just how you get girls. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. It's perfect because then you can just make jokes in a group

and make everyone laugh. And then you sort of look over your shoulder to see if she saw people laughing. Yeah, that happens for you. I wonder if this guy's just not funny and he's like, I don't want to hang out in a group because then people steal my thunder.

Well, if you're not funny, then it's even worse to be one-on-one because then everything is relying on you hang out in a group because then people steal my thunder well if you're not funny then it's even worse to be one on one because then everything is relying on you like in a group you can at least slink back

and like contribute once every six or however many people lines there are yeah that's what you should do you should count the lines so how many people are there

let's say you're six and then you want to make sure that you're contributing one sixth or you know 13% that sounds so awkward now you sound awkward

okay shit sorry sorry I have to jump in I haven't said anything in 14 lines hey I also just sorry what were you

talking about earlier the one right before tickling her yeah what do you do what do you do I think you just have to be you can never like the thing is

if you win and you and he hangs out with her alone then it's just like the energy is so bad yeah it's like I want he hangs out with her alone then it's just like the energy is so bad yeah it's like i want to hang out with their friends no no no it'll be us it's gonna be fine that's uh okay you're starting at a negative like why do you want to be with me by

myself like why can't i have my comfort zone there yeah just let her dictate the first hangout and then if you're cool and relaxed and chill and perfect and awesome then yeah she'll hang out with you alone here's an also weird thing uh she is afraid that if we hang out alone it would be awkward that's not a good uh beginning of a relationship yeah that's interesting yeah there's this girl in that i really like and she wants to hang out, but she's terrified of the prospect of doing it just with me. Oh, maybe she doesn't even like him. Right. That sounds like what's up.

That might be a very sweet way to reject someone. Yeah. No, no, no. We can hang out. Come to this place that all my friends will be. No, I want to hang out with you alone. It won't be awkward. Oh, no.

Oh, God. So I think you just like poked it yeah i mean i see this question very differently now and i would say leave her alone you you ass i think you're a stalker for this you're annoying to her please um i think all you can do even if that is the case if she's like it's because she doesn't like you then the best thing you can be is to be cool and relaxed and easygoing and just put yourself out there in a positive way and hope she reciprocates your energy. Seize the cheese. You fucking suck, man. What?

You quote yourself in a dumb voice. You're trying to move t-shirts i have a box of unused t-shirts right now and they say if i uh use the catchphrases more they'll they'll go like like hot cakes last night we went out in austin you you wore a backpack with the seize the cheese shirts in it and and we we were just dancing meeting people you had j Jake in the mirror loaded on your phone. You had our podcast downloaded. You had earbuds. You were trying to get the DJ to play episode five.

It was insane. You fucking did it. I don't know how much you paid him, but the crowd literally stayed there in earnest listening to the first 11 minutes of this show. They realized the beat was never going to drop. literally stayed there in earnest listening to the first 11 minutes of this show they realized the beat was never gonna drop they thought it was a remix but the mix never got read i guess slowly started filing out you chased people into the street somehow all you all you brought was double xl seize the cheese shirts you started charging people a five dollar leaving like a bitch fee nobody paid it you ended up moving three shirts because people felt so bad for you and you looked so proud to have that money

you flaunted the 60 dollars like like you were fanning yourself like a inside you were a woman in a kabuki drama you went inside and made it rain and then screamed at everyone not to pick up the money. He said the rain is not for you. It's for the ecosystem. It'll help make plants grow. Yeah, so. You do you.

Yep, bustedtees.com. Slash Jake and Amir, please help us out. Move these units, folks. Are we done with this guy? Yeah, dude, and everything we done with this guy? Yeah, dude. And everything got started with this guy. If this lady thinks it'll be awkward, maybe she's right. Or at the very least, go play on her terms and make it not awkward, then make her fall for you.

But you can't argue your way into a relationship. Yeah. You can't start at such a net negative and get yourself out of this hole. All right, pal. Now, question number two. This one comes from, whoa, John Quincy Adams. That's insane. From beyond the grave? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know. Do they have email there? In heaven? I don't know. Quincy Adams is very much so in hell. All right. He writes, hey guys, so we have one computer in the house which we keep in the family room so that everybody can use it. My dad has started

using it late in the evenings after my younger brother and sister have gone to bed, but when I'm still awake and when I go downstairs to grab a snack or a drink of water, I keep catching him awkwardly staring at the computer desktop background. I'm pretty sure he's up to something. I mean, why would you just be staring at a blank desktop do you think he's jerking off in the family room when most of us have gone to bed and if so how can i relax in this house in the evenings knowing that my dad could be fapping away downstairs his dad by the way is john adams right please help love john quincy adams oh man help me my dad's fapping like why is it is that even true like if you just walk downstairs and your dad is just staring at the desktop of a computer is that like that's how fast he is that's how i used to like you hear

the stairs and you minimize it you're just like i mean i was the dad is obviously not maybe he's just not good at this yet but like I would have a web page open ready to go and then like if anyone was coming downstairs just you know closing everything minimizing and then in the family room in a communal room you would do that I only I we only had one

computer we only we had one computer so you'd rather jerk off in the family room to porn than like by yourself to a magazine in your bedroom? I didn't have any magazines. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did anybody ever catch you? Yeah.

Are you proud of that? Yeah, I got caught mad times. I got caught by my mom. Mid-nut. Got caught by my dad. Free nut. Twice by my sister. Yeah, post-nut.

My brother, he knew what was up yeah at a certain point this uh i genuinely i got more cavalier with my attitude so i would do it during lunches and stuff i think i got caught masturbating like uh 15 to 20 times probably that's growing up like mid yeah i mean not like i was never caught because it's like it's not necessarily a bad thing but it's still like you don't want anybody there right it's like an uncomfortable thing it's like somebody walking in on you when you're taking a shit where it's like okay i understand that people do this but i wish i didn't see it i don't want to see you like this i definitely you wouldn't want to see your dad like that my dad is just like this this unimpeachable great person who just like

fixes everything gets me out of trouble pays for shit and uh made a family and like if i just saw him like with his dick out looking at lesbian porn i'm just like oh no turn away turn away the uh pay no attention behind to the man behind the curtain it's oh god Oh, God. No, you do not want. You do not want to see how the sausage is pulled. Oh, shit. No. But maybe he's probably buying you Christmas presents, buddy. That is lying. You're lying to him.

He's on Amazon.com and he's getting you Christmas presents. That's what the dad is saying. Don't worry. Whoa, buddy. He almost got me buying you a gift. What were you getting me? I was getting you a college threesome dorm room gift what were you getting me i was getting you uh college threesome dorm what were you getting me um college threesome dorm room

uh have you ever been caught masturbating i don't think so it's like when you i'm gonna have hopefully one day i'll have a family i I'm not going to stop masturbating. That's not a thing that's going to happen. When I was younger, I was like, okay, my sisters aren't home. My mom's not home. I'm going to masturbate. Or everybody in my family's asleep. I'm going to masturbate.

I'm going to go take a shower and masturbate. And then I grew up. I went to college. And it's like, oh, my roommate's going to class. I'm going to masturbate. Then I grew up even more, lived in New York alone. It's like, my roommate's going to class, I'm going to masturbate. Then I grew up even more, lived in New York alone. It's like, oh, no one's here, I'm going to masturbate all day. Yeah.

This is the first chapter of your autobiography. And at a certain point, you're like, okay, I have a girlfriend, I'm going to masturbate while she's gone. And then you're like, okay, I've got a wife and a kid, I'm going to have to masturbate when the kid's asleep or something. But you're going to masturbate less. I don't i don't know your life your sex drive goes down is just a series of finding time to masturbate life is what happens in between secret masturbation sessions it's all it's such a funny thing that's like like i'm at my kid's soccer game i gotta i gotta run to the car to

say that i like forgot like a granola bar for them and i'm gonna i'm gonna masturbate and then i'm gonna get out there start handing out the orange slices. This is a dirty little secret. Catch a glimpse of a MILF, run to the public restroom, and I'm going to have to masturbate. It seems like you have a problem, sir. No, I mean, it's just like I'm at a funeral, and someone's looking exceptionally hot slash sad.

Who? So I sort of jump in the grave down there with them, and I start to masturbate. Yeah, you are under arrest. that is absolutely uncalled for you fapped at a funeral fapped uh so what do you okay how do you to relax or you can't treat your dad masturbating as this terrible thing that you can't sleep in the same house as he's a guy like you yeah you gotta just bring snacks to your room hunker down your dad is down there pulling his fucking weight he's pulling his weight you understand your dad let's just like let's just put it out there your dad is looking at girls getting fucked and uh rubbing his penis until it has an orgasm what do you do when you're

at a computer like that do you like have like a tissue you don't what i don't know if i've ever masturbated to a like a desktop you never like i i feel like i to computer pornography i would use my laptop and do it in bed and what do you masturbate into there i use uh what a what a personal question that i don't know you that you totally walked into you're like yeah like i've never done that when i look at porn i'm on my laptop in a bed like all right well now i'd like to know where you come i don't know if i want to tell everyone i very much need to know why do you need to know because i'm curious that's like i'm curious george at this point i am i am driven by the fact that i don't quite know yet i am i

think that's the last and i'm curious about that i think i think that's the last fact i ever want anybody to know about me yeah i'd like to know where you know i'd like to tell you maybe not with other i'll tell you where i not if you tell me where of course you'll tell me where you nut you're an open fucking book man yeah there's no secrets every every compartment to your house is open i realize you're not an open book but i but i but i just pure i peeked in at a page and i need to know and i'm like thumbing through all the pages just trying to open it just to this one page i'm not gonna lie part of it has to do with i'm afraid that what i do uh jerk off into is i mean it's not weird but if i say you'd be like really you do that i mean i'll just guess the things that i think it can be okay say three things if it's uh

a towel or a rag or like a piece of dirty laundry or like napkins or tissues I think you're safe if you are jerking off onto a photo of your family that's weird if you're jerking off onto a dead cat I think that's pretty strange it's tissues

really you loser you fell for it I said the three weirdest things you should be jerking off to a picture of your family i usually go for the most clean like that's easy to dispose yeah i don't want to use a piece of uh laundry that i have to like what then wash yeah but i don't want to do that i want to just get rid of it yeah Yeah, I'm not. That's what I jerk off into, too. Buddy. And I don't appreciate the accusation.

That's the funny thing about jerking off. It's like when you're doing it, you're like, oh, I love this. It's like porn. Oh, God. I'm like, I just want more porn, more porn, more pulling at my body. And then it's just like, oh, come. Oh, my God. This is disgusting.

Oh, get this away from me clear the history i hate it i never want anyone to see this seed it's the opposite of sex where like you'll have sex and you just like want to lay there with somebody and hold them right it's like okay i know that i didn't jesus take a shower i need to get rid of me how do i not cuddle with me i'm always here when i'm done i need to masturbate and me. How do I not cuddle with me? I'm always here when I'm done. I need to masturbate and explode at the end. Disappear forever. Quick, quick, quick.

Just convincing people who are hopefully watching you Truman Show style that it wasn't that big of a deal. Did we answer this guy's question? Well, I masturbate. I pour myself a glass of red wine. Yeah. I light a candle it on the rocks walk into a bar and be like um malbec rocks excuse you i want a glass of red wine on the rocks people might do that really no maybe yeah everyone does everything ice in the wine everyone does everything the weirdest thing that you can just say right now, someone does it.

Red wine rocks? Yeah, someone has that. I'm going to order that in Austin tonight and watch as they laugh at me. There are certain people who like red wine chilled. You're not supposed to drink it chilled, but I think that happens. But like putting ice in your red wine? People put ice in milk. That's foul to me.

Well, that's more normal than the red wine one. No. Why are you... Put clothes on, sir. At this point, I will say that it's really hot under these covers, and I do very much so not want to be under here. If you're cool with it, I'm going to take left leg here just like this. Okay.

This is all right. I'm going to put it up above the covers. Can I take a photo of this in Instagram just so people have an idea about what I see right now? I would very much like filter approval. i will give you final filter approval i will upload it when we upload the episode this is just a very i can't tell if this is sad but it's definitely something it's definitely weird that you took a picture of it you took a picture of me in a bathtub today it did now people are going to be clamoring for that. Oh, God.

That is the saddest picture I've ever seen. How many other podcasts? It looks like my other leg got amputated. When I think of podcasts, I think of Mark Maron in a radio studio in his house. And then I thumb over to us and it's you naked in a La Quinta holding a flaccid microphone. A flaccid microphone is a great way to describe this. Everything about this photo is flaccid. It's yellow. It is very flaccid-inducing.

The photo is already yellow. Oh, this is actually really nice. This is, oh, that's warm. Give me my phone. Yes. Dick. Should we take our break now? Yeah. We're at the 25-ish minute mark. Should we take our break now? Yeah.

We're at the 25-ish minute mark. Let's take a little break. Although, what can we talk about that we haven't already? We almost got stuck in New Orleans. We did. That was fun. Yeah. For an hour, our RV was in a parking lot surrounded by cars that you couldn't maneuver.

So let's start it by the, we walked into the Hyatt in the French Quarter, which I would recommend no one stays at. Wow. Is that a nice thing to say right now? I actually think, yeah. Oh, wait, no, no. All right, so that's right. I had a total change of heart. So based on when we first got there, I would say never stay at this hotel.

They totally redeemed themselves. So we walked in i'm sorry i don't even know i said that i think my i am just really hot so i'm in a place of hate bothered in general right so we walked in we had been driving all day and all 10 hours in an rv yeah stinky srv like 11 p.m and getting to a place feels so good because you don't have to be in the rv anymore and we pull in and we're like oh um all right we're checking in yada yada uh we have an rv they're like oh yeah we can't help with that like we can't park there and i was like i'm not i understand it's a big vehicle so i was like okay well just tell me where to put it yeah what should i do like oh yeah i don't know all right well this

is hospitality you're supposed to like help work together at the very least and i'm talking to the valet and she's like she has to validate she's like yeah can you guys park an rv and they're like oh no i was like well where should i go and they're like well we don't know like has this never happened i guess out of here right now bye and she's like i can look up um places for you to park and i was like oh yes that's all i need thank you she's like yeah we just it's only showing me like rv like resorts you probably don't want to stay there like no i don't i want to stay here i'm here i don't know so i was like just standing there as backing away i was like this is insane

i haven't been helped and i'm leaving and i'm a paying customer i'm in a strange city and i don't know where to go and all i want to do is give you my money so i can stay at the hotel you locals that are paid to help people are not doing that but we went outside and there was this this rogue hero valet man tony was like um yeah you can put it right here and he's like uh we have to we'll have to move it in the morning but we'll we'll find a way uh he told me about this lot that was like a couple blocks away that didn't have um there was no garage so it's like yeah you can stay here and i was like but we needed to move it by like 7 a.m so we went out we got like a little tipsy i did you guys didn't drink at all actually how dare you i came back shit-faced. You all were sober and good.

We were playing Clue. And we just walked up to Tony, and I was like, if I give you $40, will you just go and do it? Put it where it needs to be? And he was like, yeah. So he did. And then he gave us the keys back, told us where it was, all that. So I guess when Tony had parked it, it was an empty lot. Yeah.

Cross-dissolved too. When we got there, I was surrounded by cars. There was no chance in hell of me getting out. Yeah. I back up just like almost hitting everything. This thing is like 25 feet long. Yeah. Some lady was like, who's waiting for my spot?

She's like trying to help me. She tried for 10 minutes and then eventually gave up.'s like yeah you're not getting out and we're all waiting for you at the hotel you're like are you here and you just texted back yeah the car is stuck yeah there's i guess plan b is uh waiting another 14 hours for everyone to leave and then leave at 1 a.m yeah we needed to drive all the way to austin and meanwhile this whole building is like uh that the parking lot was in, people doing construction. So all these construction workers were coming down and being like,

oh, man, you're never getting out. You're never getting out. This is my job, and I don't even see a way out of this. Oh, no, y'all. Yeah, yeah. Oh, y'all can't get out of that. Oh, no, no. I didn't even ask for help.

You just walked by and started yelling negativity at me. And then some other dude was like, yeah yeah you just need this truck here to move uh it's like all right if you do you know whose it is and he's like yeah i think it's the i think it's the window person's so he like goes he disappears into the building i have no idea if he's helping me or not you just look up and he's eating gumbo on a on a beam oh yeah no about that car. Shit, I done forgot. A few minutes later, somebody else comes out. He's like, yeah, we don't know who any of these cars are. And then he's like, because it also served as a parking lot for the city. Right.

Finally, this dude is like. You have to walk up to people one by one. Did you park in this lot, sir? No. No? All right, next person. So this dude comes out. He's like, yeah, I got the window guy's number.

He calls him. They don't answer. answer yeah I don't know next alright I'm fucked completely fucked and then finally oh then the dude comes back out he's like got in touch with the window guy he's like so filled with hope he's like this is like this is it something

has to give I'm gonna get out of here it's been 45 minutes and he's like, yep, not his car. Like, oh, bye.

Now, like even the people that were like sort of half helping me are just gone. I turn and there is a guy in a Hyatt

colored shirt. A hero emerges. My guardian angel. Right after your dark night of the soul, your always lost moment. My protector who I was like,

I waved my hand through him to make sure he was real. And he was not. He was not. He was like. He almost ran away because you touched him. You started groping his chest. I heard you're stuck here, Mr. Hurwitz. Like, all right, here's what we're going to do. He's just like talking me through this calming presence.

I backed up. I got as close to I could on one side. He's like, all right, what we're going to i could as on one side he's like all right what we're gonna do now is pivot and he's like coaching me through like turning the wheel and he's like all right little bit little bit little bit stop and then you turn it back a little bit little bit it got it was a game of you're not you're hypnotized it was centimeters like at one point we were i was like he would go little bit, little, little bit. And I would go back.

He's like, Oh, a hair, literally a hair. And we were like this, the RV, every time you take your foot off the brake, it just creaks and lurches. Like there's no, there's no hairs. If I took my foot off, like I, it could go three centimeters or could go a foot and a half. Like there was never controlling it. That's a lot of hair. And of hair and uh but eventually and he was just like looking me in the eyes like when you be the front of the rv he's like all right come to me little bit it was like

that scene in austin powers where he's just like going back and forth yeah in that small hallway even tighter you did like a 48 point turn it took like five full minutes i i don't know how many how much oh my, back and forth. But I finally, we got out of it. I like wanted to hug this dude. You told me to give him money. Yeah, we gave him money. So you had bribed the first guy and then you gave another guy money to get him out of the car.

I don't think, I think you're just not good at bribing. Yeah. Here's $40. Ah, you fucked me. All right, here's $40 to the person that can save me. All right, so you paid $80 to. Well, Tony helped. He just didn't know. He didn't know. That's $40. Ah, you fucked me. All right, here's $40 to the person that can save me. All right, so you paid $80 to- Well, Tony helped. He just didn't know.

He didn't know. That's not on Tony. All in all, we did get out of New Orleans alive just an hour later than we wanted to. Parking. Shit. I am the parking king. Let it be known. Let it ring throughout the land.

All right, let's go back to answer questions. All right, one last one? Maybe even two. No. Okay. be known let it ring throughout the land all right let's go back to answer questions all right one last one maybe even two uh no okay um uh no oh no oh no this one comes from a lady we'll call martha washington martha washington very coy this is coying of her although she didn't choose that name you know that right what a coy little a coy little cunt i think oh my god the coyest cunt don't say the c word coy um all right i've been uh martha writes i've been a coy little cunt i've been studying on a regular basis with a guy from one of my classes. We get along very well.

He's a nice guy and more to the point of my quandary, he is easy on the eyes. I don't feel any strong emotional connection and I'm not in the market for a relationship, but I certainly wouldn't mind getting physical. A study buddy with benefits, if you will. My problem is, I have no idea if he would be open to such an arrangement. I am terrible at reading these types of situations, and rarely am I able to tell if someone's interested in me, unless it's blatant. Considering we are in the same program at school, and thus in a lot of the same classes,

I don't want to misread the vibes and make a move and face the awkwardness of a flat-out rejection. What are some tips and advice for subtly testing the waters to see if you'd be interested in hitting this or wants to keep it strictly what are some tips and advice for subtly testing the waters to see if you'd be interested in hitting this or if he just wants to keep it strictly to hitting the books toda martha washington martha martha you coy diva you coy baby what do you think what's a good what's a good tip for like a lady to test the waters to see if the guy's willing to here's how you test sex with her here's how you test it he um you ask if he wants to study with you and if he does yeah then he desperately, desperately wants to fuck you.

Oh. Yeah. That's a nice way to... He goes home and he masturbates thinking about having sex with the girl he's studying with. So if it's like, if you don't know if a guy, as a girl, if you don't know if a guy just wants to have no strings attached physical intercourse with you, he does. Yes. Yeah, that's a good tip. So like if you're studying with him and you're like, ooh, studying with benefits, not that studying itself is a benefit.

Of course. I mean, education and knowledge is more beneficial than any orgasm. Very, very, very, very, very much so. That was coy. So yeah, he wants this. Yeah. He desperately wants it.

So for example, what you can do is anything. Yeah. Like for instance, this question turned me on to the point that i like want i want to fuck you oh my god you're starting to straddle me this is from one question that's it i am taking the other foot out i'm hot enough i think i'm full all right you are still under the covers a little bit all right wearing some sort of uh down toga um

yes okay so some things you can do uh smash uh smash your bookshed what's it called slam your bookshed slam your bookshed and say hey do you want to have sex with me that would be something that he'd be into or you can be like uh text him and be like hey uh after our study session let's have sex yeah oh you know it's cool if you're like if he answers a question you're like oh okay i now every time you uh answer a question correctly i'll remove an article of clothing yeah and or every time you answer a question correctly i'll sit on your dick whether you get it right or not tell you what we don't even have to study anymore there's not a ton of advantages towards being a lady in the romance department, but this is one huge, huge one.

It's when you want to have sex with a guy and not necessarily make it an emotional thing or get into a relationship. Nine times out of ten, that guy is probably down. If you're a guy and you want to do that to a girl, odds are it's not going to happen. Right, because that's what all guys want. Yeah. So, like, you're literally shooting fish. No, I shouldn't say literally. You're figuratively shooting fish in a barrel.

You're literally. That's what we're recommending for the first date. You might have read the question. So, you're at this barrel factory right and you have a loaded gun and there are fish there yeah so martha martha martha martha would that be easy to shoot fish in a barrel yeah absolutely all you have to do is get over the uh emotional uh ramifications of staring a fish dead in the eye and blowing its guts out but beyond that i i think i could do that you think you could do what i think i could get over that yeah i'm sure i think

i could get past that yeah then you're probably capable of shooting a fish right in its cold dead salmon eyes would you ever shoot a catfish in the mouth yeah you would why not i don't know i don't even know i'm thinking about this i don't know why either i think at a certain point a fish becomes too big to kill it has feelings no dolphin you wouldn't shoot a dolphin no i would shoot a dolphin you would not that's a smart mammal no no i don't want to shoot would you shoot a would you shoot a trout i'd shoot a trout? I'd shoot a trout. Barracuda?

You're just on the Wikipedia page for fish. I know. These are all off the top of the dome. Salmon. Ahuma huma nuka nuka apuawa. Would you shoot a koi fish? Would you? I mean, sure. We'll shoot a beta fish.

Those things deserve to be put out of their memory. An Alaskan toothfish. How do you know? Are you on a fucking wikipedia page no i think that's what uh sea bass was used to be called alaskan tooth yeah nobody bought it because it sounds like you're just biting into teeth yeah don't quote me on that but there is a fish that people eat now and i think it's sea bass and i think the original name for it was something toothfish right and they And they changed it, and it's like this huge marketing win.

It's like calling a cow horse. Yeah. Or calling it a beef tooth cow. Nobody wants to eat that. A gassy shit maker. And then so this marketing agency is like, so take your toothfish and call it a Chilean sea bass, and suddenly people will want to eat it.

Yeah. And it's true. The power of the written word. It's amazing. You don't have to misread anything or read anything or subtly do anything, Martha. Just be open with your feelings. And luckily for you, this guy probably wants to bone you too. Yeah.

Let us know how that works out. I'd like to hear a follow up on that one. I'd love to hear it in lurid detail, actually. He says, God, no. I actually might write fanfic about it. How dare you? You broached that to me. This is a studying relationship.

And if you're not going to open this book and learn with me, then I bid you adieu, actually. More than adieu. More than adieu. Okay, maybe we'll have physical intercourse, but I want to be in a relationship with you afterwards. This means something. For you to I want to be in a relationship with you afterwards. That means something. For you to ask this to be zero strings.

There are many strings attached. And they're all more than attached. We're marionettes, okay? And we are dangerously intertwined. We're stuck. We're like a cord that can't uncoil. Before even having this conversation, we were in a Facebook relationship. We're Facebook official and life unofficial.

Now I'd like to speak to your father and purchase a ring. Then, and only then, can we kiss. And then, only then, can we study. You fail every test. Oh, what are you doing? I'm grabbing this water here. You touched my foot. Yeah, it was an accident.

And I realize it means a lot because I'm grabbing this water here. You touched my foot. Yeah, it was an accident. And I realize it means a lot because I'm naked in a bed staring at you. But we are just friends. All right. One last question. Hey, guys. Let's call this person. Oh, Miller Fillmore.

Very nice. Hey, guys. I already. Sorry. Hey, guys. I'm a big fan and got obsessed with Tinder thanks to Jake. I already met with a girl by having a gym day with her, and we seemed to hit it off. However, I'm not sure what she wants. She sent me a pic later during the day of her abs, so I sent one back.

And as soon as I did, she immediately texted asking if we should hang out again. Does this girl want to make a move on me the night we hang out or is she planning on friend zoning me help dude all right all right it's fine this is an emergency yeah help we need he had a gym date and she texted him a picture of her abs oh god that's and then and then asked if he wanted to hang out again this is a i'm sorry dude this is a friend zone she's absolutely putting you in the zone you gotta read between the lines bud no you know this is a friend zone you're in the you're firmly in the zone of friends yeah look around it's every other friend zone guy

that she did this dude this serpent she she texts her body parts. You thought you were running down towards the touchdown, but you reached the friend zone. The ESP friend zone. I'm sorry, buddy. You thought you were playing baseball around in the bases, but it's football and you're in the friend zone. Yeah, do a friend zone dance. Friend zone, because friends don't bone. This girl obviously likes you. What are you talking about i think if you meet on tinder

have a good date then she texts you a semi shirtless picture and asks if she wants to hang out that's the opposite of friends this is not a how dare you make us read this question there are people who are in actual difficult places you're just bra he's just bragging i think it's a humble brag it's not even humble he's just bragging this this guy it's a humble brag. It's not even humble. It's just bragging. This guy and the last girl should go out as the least self-aware couple. They're just hesitantly in love with each other. What should I do?

I asked her to marry me and she said yes. Is she just going to friend zone me or should we plan this wedding? The best friend zone. She might just be my life partner. I feel like I'm in the soulmate zone now. I don't even think I can get my nut partner i feel like i'm in the i'm in the soul mate zone i don't even think i can get my nut off i think i'm gonna have to sneak down into the living room and jack off while my kids are awake wow oh my god this is all all these questions

are weaving together a tapestry it's one family this long long form improv that we've we've devised we've gathered we've ascertained. We are kings. We're more. We're less than kings. We're princes. I am at the La Quinta. I am the king of the Quinta. What does Quinta mean? I don't know.

Okay. Did we ever mention who that first song is from? No. Okay. So that first. We are bad at that. Yeah, we can. I always like say the name and then the show starts and i am i my brain is off to the races uh we're every episode starts and ends with a new theme song that you guys can submit to if i read show at gmail.com that first one was from someone named dig dog who actually runs the seize the cheese twitter account oh

there's a twitter account called seize the cheese and this last one is from somebody named snow weasel snow weasel weasel oh the weasel nine of our fans understood that and the other 49,993 no i shouldn't be humble cut this joke cut this joke in edit Humble brag I'm an ass Don't forget the hundreds of thousands of followers on SoundCloud 250,000 Facebook fans And yeah A couple hundred thousand Twitter followers too 43 episodes and I have not been ashamed

As I am twice in this episode We're referencing where I bought a shirt And then how many people listen to our show. And also where you jerk off into. Oh my God. This is the most exposed you've ever been. Oh my God, things finally got real. They finally did.

We made it. We started from the fake bottom and now we're real. So thanks for listening, everyone. Peace. Text me. No. My girlfriend's a dime a total smoke show

but she's dumb as a brick so she's just got to go she's picking her nose and she's growing a mole so I'll email it in too if I were you show if you've got tender problems leave it to Jake to solve them he's kind of a beast Bye.