Segments - 440: Sugar Father

Episode Date: June 23, 2020

In this episode we discuss cheating, masks, and accepting cash from strangers.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

This all started with Demit that smells like teen spirit all because of BuzzFeed Jake then found the Rhapsody Basket case is one you got but Green Day songs there are a lot Greats you Jane in Longview

pulling teeth and stuck with me. Muses, Hysteria and Knights of Cydonia. Kids by MGMC and Unchained Melody. Passion Fruit by Drake. Welcome to the Black Parade. Lazarus by Bowie. Small Town Boy by Bronski Beat.

If I were you, the podcast They'll spend 30 minutes Thinking of song lyrics If I were you, the podcast They've got music knowledge Songs they heard in college Russian Roulette, Chomsuy Disciples, Dirty Harry

Goodnight, Sagan, Enter, Sadma, Apogee Pro Pro Redbone, Lithium, Fatlin, Pompeii Earth Song, Iris, Goodnight, Sagan, Enter, Sadma, Apogee, Pro Redbone, Lithium, Fatlin, Pompeii, Earthsong Iris, Maggie, May, Reptilia by the Strokes Rappers, Delight, and the kids aren't alright Houdini, The Lazy Song, What's Up, Bye, For No Blogs Not Now and Josie, Stockholm Syndrome, Dumbweight Adam Song, Wendy, Cliff, Dysentery, Gary

And why were you the quad guest? Yeah. Nice. That was Leonard or Luke or something. Anyway, this is If I Were You, the advice show We're hosting a new podcast today Don't just gloss over That guy put in so much time and effort We dicked around for 30 minutes I said thank you

And it was honestly trash, it was bad And then somebody spent the time and the effort To turn it around and make it a good thing make it nice good on you thank you thank you it was a whole and i was saying that it was just say it's pretty good explain what it was that was really impressive it was like uh what was it like an asshole you're being you're being a shit man you're being a little a big shit frank all right if you joined us late last week jake and i accidentally spent half of the show coming up with songs in which the title doesn't exist in the lyrics of the song for example bohemian rhapsody that's right famous song but

they never say that hour coming up with songs we sort of thought of two and then spent 20 minutes not being able to think of another one yeah we were more paralyzed with the thought experiment that we had yeah the guy mentioned pompeii by bastille in this one and and our buddy kyle from bastille in bastille listens to the podcast and i feel i feel bad yeah oops definitely definitely Definitely. So Luke writes that he was inspired to write this after listening to our most recent episodes at the time of writing about the songs with titles that aren't in the song. So here in that song is 40 song titles

that aren't in the songs, crammed into one theme song. Very cool. Holy shit. He says he doesn't have anything to plug, so please just shout out my local football soccer team, Middlesbrough FC, and ask them to sign Johnny Housen to a long deal because he's essentially Middlesbrough's LeBron James right now. So if you guys who are running that football club are listening, sign him to a long-term deal, I guess. You could really tell that that dude was uh was was a middleborough fan from the

podcast couldn't you or from the song yeah usually when british people sing it's like i can't quite recognize their accent but that was he was singing in a noticeably british accent which is hard to pull off which i think wait sorry one second hold on i was gonna say he sent us a list of songs by the way seven of them are blink 182 so that's kind of on you right yeah definitely i should have known that disinterry gary there's some other ones there's some other adam's song yeah that one i should have that one i also should i think did i mention going away to college and Untitled? Okay. Yeah. And like, didn't I say like Blink-182? Blink-182 does that a lot.

And you're like, I don't think they do it with any song. I didn't say that. Did I? What's Josie? Josie's not in the song Josie. Yeah. Interesting, actually, because Josie, no wait, Josie. Oh, you know what?

There's the song Josie, I think, that's like, yeah, my girlfriend, and I don't think he ever says Josie. But then the Blink-182 song called Online Songs, which the first lyric is, Josie, you're my source of something frustration. Interesting. So Josie exists, but as a line in a different song yeah very very cool and she brings him mexican food from sombreros just because just because

yeah that's cool so he she just shows up with a fucking enchilada even though he already had he arrived having had and they just like yeah here's a burrito bowl from sombreros just because and he likes that about josie but he never says her name in the song. Yeah. The other thing that she does is she stays up late watching Vacation while he's like around. And he goes and will just be at her house. And that's good. He knows that everything's going to be fine.

Just looking at where Middlesbrough fc is yeah um it's definitely where you would think it was based on his accent which was so british that you couldn't eat like i feel like a london like a southern england accent disappears when you sing but then you can be so british you can be so from the uk like if you're north of york that's gonna bleed into the that that's umber that's gonna that'll bleed into the song yeah i see he's 300 miles northeast of the entire uk he's floating in a little island he's from the isle of man that's why he has such a strong thick accent that's not accurate but i love that you're i love that you're on a google map uh system of a down chop suey is that the song that goes wake up grab a bottle i got watch your bunch of people

by that table isn't that song called chop suey he mentions that in the song too yeah that's a good one that's a good one uh also and this is the last time we really have to stop talking about this but how did we not think of Welcome to the Black Parade? And also, does that count? Because they do say Black Parade, but not specifically Welcome to the Black Parade. Right, he said,

and join the Black Parade. Yeah. I feel like it does, I'm going to say it counts because I don't want to detract at all in any way from the song, which I think took a lot of, which I just think he did a really good job.

So I'm not going to, I'm not going to Monday morning quarterback that thing. So thanks to Luke Pottage for those songs, that song about 40 songs. And go you Smoggies. That's the Middlesbrough Football Club's nickname. Smoggies?

Smoggies. The mascot is based on air pollution in the area the la smog that's what you're dealing with at riverside stadium mate yeah i guess they're close to a lot of like plastic manufacturing facilities and it creates a thick haze in the air oh that's a kick yeah smoggies i kind of like the la smog for like a arena football team or something that would be cool you know there's there's gonna be some well first of all the epl came back you saw that right yeah without a audience i saw their season is almost over and liverpool is about liverpool is about to win it all is there's these things just straight up almost over they're not gonna

like play extra games or anything no they play there's 20 clubs and they play against every team twice so there's like 38 games total and like a bunch of teams were in like the 33 34 games matches played and uh liverpool had basically clinched it so they had to like bring everyone back to finish the season so they could properly win the premier league that's cool well i fucking love the premier league Premier League. I watched my Hotspurs play on Friday. It was great. I really miss sports. I wonder if, since the season is basically over,

if they're playing their practice players or they're actually still trying to win as much as possible. I don't know enough about it. Harry Kane was playing. He was playing. Good on him. And no crowd? No crowd. That's cool. And no crowd? No crowd.

That's cool. Was it weird? Did they pipe in noise? They didn't pipe in noise, but it's also like, I love, I just love soccer because like the announcers were like just sort of complaining that it didn't seem like people's hearts were in it. It's like, yeah, this isn't like up to snuff. Like they're not playing at a premier league pace right now it's like talking shit that i feel like that would

never happen in like american football or basketball or baseball like the announcers are like trying to amp you up like don't change the channel you have to keep watching there's commercials coming but with the epl they're like we don't care about commercials. You're watching it. In America, the broadcasters would get fired at halftime if they were talking so disparagingly. That's right. Although I do hear a fair amount of complaining from Jeff Van Gundy, NBA broadcaster, about the officiating,

but he sort of also gets put on blast for that. But that's neither here nor there got it yeah uh all right this is if i were you an advice podcast recording on monday june 22nd 2020 okay your week was relatively uneventful you're back home. Anything to report? You know, nothing major to report back in New York City. I guess things are opening up here, which is going to be fun. I think I'm going to go and eat outside. Interesting. A little outdoor restaurant action.

Yeah. I think I'm ready for that emotionally i'm not uh i'm not gonna not eat outside at my favorite restaurant i'm gonna see what's up so i'm gonna do that i guess i'm gonna do that on like friday or saturday they're starting to do that in la despite the fact that we've had record numbers every single day they're like oh we kind of already promised we'd open restaurants and yesterday was the worst day ever, but hopefully people will sort of just socially distance themselves and wear a mask as much as possible. I guess that seems weird. Maybe I wouldn't do it if I lived. Is it Los Angeles or is it California? Both. California is really high and LA is the biggest part. So it's going up

and they're just like, well, we're going to just move forward with, oh, that's stupid. That's crazy. Yeah. At least in New York, the cases are just consistently going down and we're like only gonna open if we hit these benchmarks and we did yeah and we in california said we'll only open if we hit these benchmarks and we didn't and then they're like shit we kind of promised ah fuck all right it's open but just try not to do it oh god the patio is flowing with people, people are desperate to hang outside. I just, it doesn't seem worth it to me. Why do I want to eat a sandwich at a restaurant where a stranger is making it and giving it to me,

hovering over my table, wearing a mask or not? Yeah, I think that California just never, or at least to me, it never like had that kind of like outdoor communal vibe. Like when I lived there, you like went to your friend's house, but you just didn't like, you didn't socialize the same way

that people do in New York. So I've really missed that about New York. Right. That's part of the perks of, especially New York summertime is just hanging out and eating outside. Yeah. So I'm looking forward to that.

Let me know how that goes. Yeah, I'll keep you posted. I almost, well, the place that I get coffee is also a barbershop, so it's been closed for a long time. And today, since barbershops are allowed to open, my coffee shop opened again. So that's exciting.

Yeah. There was stories about a hairdresser that didn't wear a mask that like infected 90 people and then there were stories about hairdressers that wore a mask and then the client wore a mask and they didn't affect infect anybody and even though they had coronavirus so hopefully people are wearing masks while they're cutting hair yeah when i i walked in today to get coffee everyone everyone's wearing a mask. That's one nice thing about New York City. That for some reason, mask wearing is now a sign of being liberal, which it shouldn't be. It should just be not normal.

Yeah. But at least everyone that lives in this area in Brooklyn is... Even if they don't think that it's real science, they don't like Trump, so they'll put the mask on. That's nice. Have you gotten a good mask? I'm still in the market for like a nice, fashionable, stylish, comfortable mask.

I have. I like the mask that I got from this clothing company called Sanctuary. Do you have it on you? Yeah, I have it out. I mean, not on me this second it's in the hallway is it like a one piece how many what's the string situation um so it's like a football helmet with oh so thick and aluminum cone like you know those dog cones where you can't scratch yourself

which i didn't really need but it's a lamp. Yeah. So you're wearing a football helmet with a lampshade underneath. Yeah. And it's so, and so like, um, it's really, really dark. So you can't see out of it,

but inside it's a really, really bright light. So it burns you. So you're blinded, but you also can't see anything by the night. Yeah. That's the, and that's from sanctuary.

You said, yeah, it's no, it's a light. It's a single, it's like, it kind of looks like those, like surgery, the surgeon's masks sanctuary you said yeah uh-huh it's no it's light it's a single it's like it kind of looks like those like surgery the surgeon's masks you know those like yeah blue ones so just like thin thin rubber behind the ears a very light um face covering and then there's a

wire that's nice the wire for the the nose bridge yeah it's like so light that i don't know if it's that effective but i i it's man it's hard to breathe it's hot it's hot yeah especially it's already muggy and that's when outside of the mask i can't imagine what's going on inside of a mask it's gonna be bad i mean when i was in connecticut for two weeks it was a lot easier because you just don't see people very much. There's so much less people, so you don't have to wear the mask. But in New York, you can't like walk with your mask and then put it on if you see someone coming constantly. You're passing by people. Yeah.

Did you see the video of the guy who walked a really long time wearing a mask and we took it off? He had like algae growing on his teeth and lips he almost looked like he was becoming a plant like it created like a new fungal ecosystem because it was so sweltering in there and like a bunch of like new species of mosquito like flew out of his mouth because of that yeah so like we have to think about the problems that the masks are causing not just preventing everybody's gonna have swamp mouth swamp ass swamp mouth all summer i'll wear a mask over my ass if it means I don't have swamp ass. Because I have like a super swampy ass as is. And then if I'm also wearing a diaper mask or some sort of like latex situation down there.

Because you know how I'll wear like a latex diaper so it doesn't get my underwear like super moist and damp from my swamp ass so between the latex diaper that i'm wearing and my anal mask it's like a whole different shabazz down there and you do you did shart you have like shit on your lips i don't know how you did that but you like burped a little poop somehow yeah so i'll burp poop as well during the mask situation the latex thing can you fucking imagine burping poop like yeah i guess throw up is that yeah comparable so yeah i can imagine that it's like all right yeah all right is it all right you're pissed off or something about it well one of us isn't allowed to have any good ideas and the other one just gets to steamroll the entire show. Good ideas.

Good ideas. What's your good idea? To burp poop? That's not an idea. That's a malady. To wax on the topic. To just chat about it. But you don't want to do that.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't want to do that. I don't want to talk about this shit. And I'm even sorry for bringing up my swamp ass and my algae teeth. To be be like you're you're disgusting me i was trying to talk about my swamp ass my swamp mouth uh all right let's try to get to a question before the break okay i mean this is getting ridiculous here's a uh here's a quickie this is from a dnd player so you got a dnd name for us uh yeah let's go with um uh jivelin my one of the characters i played jivelin jivelin

writes i've been playing dnd for two years now and started running my own game so far everyone is loving it and our inexperienced players are even having fun. However, I noticed that one of the guys who thinks he's a D&D god has been fudging his stats and rolls a little bit. His HP is way above what mathematically looks like it should be, and his character stats are all plus three at level one, which is highly unlikely, and he's deliberately leaving out some of the language on spells e.g concentration components and damage yeah none of the other players have noticed this but i'm picking up on it due to the fact that the encounters i've built have been running very seamlessly because of the player's extra damage or inability to be knocked out the rest of the party is asking us to make the encounters harder

but based on their player level the encounters should be knocking a few down but they all remain fine because of this fucking player so what do you think i should do to stop this i don't want to punish his character in game but that doesn't seem fair like i'm targeting him but i think it would make him very uncomfortable if i called him out in person as well help so what is he talking about yeah you read that like you were making fun of the guy writing it but i think the guy writing it is squarely in the right this player is actually being a little bit of a dickling i was sort of reading it as though i was a nerdy dungeon master getting pissed at it yeah you were you were i resent that because there's nothing nerdy about being a dungeon master

it's actually a really selfless honorable thing to do you have to do a lot of work a lot of prep and you bring joy to your friends and your family and your comrades and your compatriots you're being an asshole i mean i get yeah you could be nerdy and also selfless oh my god i've never seen you this touched or upset all i did was go after this D&D guy a little bit. By the way, nerdy isn't necessarily bad. You said he's not nerdy. He's actually selfless. He can be nerdy and selfless.

Okay. Touche. Touche. So have you encountered a cheater amongst you? Have you ever wanted to be like, I rolled a 18 when it was actually off screen. Yeah, well, in our group, I'm the cheater amongst you have you ever wanted to be like i rolled a 18 when it was like in our group in our group um i'm the cheater i will add hundreds to my damage i will i can't be brought down because you know especially now it was a lot it was tougher before because like i was at the

same table as everyone and i would roll and i would be like oh that's a nat 20 and someone would be like you like i see that you rolled a three um but now i'm rolling off screen on a zoom call so i'm just like crit crit crit like jake roll the saving throw and i'm like oh that's actually a 40 you know yeah and it's not even dice right you're just having like a little sound effect so you like because I don't have dice, but it doesn't matter because I know that I have to get a super high number. So I just have these little marbles, and I just like, here's them. Here, I'll show you.

It's like, do you hear that? So what did you roll there? Yeah, what is that, a stapler? So what I'm rolling right now is the cap to my swell bottle and my AirPod case. Yeah, and then what do you say what'd you get there that's a 5 plus 12 uh that's okay uh let me add my modifier that's 5 plus 22 22 do you always look so guilty when you do it because your eyes are really like wide open and you're not blinking you look like a six-year-old who's clearly lying to his own yeah that's um oh now you're sweating yeah and by the way this is just a really low state you're telling me that

you're cheating so there's no stakes at all i can only imagine what it's like when you're actually cheating holy shit it's so obvious yeah it's you it's not fun. It wouldn't be fun to cheat. I think it's, I, I don't. All right. So here's what I'm trying to say. I think that the solution here is to not like publicly call out your friend, like during, like you don't have to outsmart him and you don't have to confront him, but just like sidebar, you can sidebar with them. That's all you have to outsmart him and you don't have to confront him but just like sidebar you can sidebar with

them that's all you have to do yeah you say hey i feel like your character is maybe a little overpowered can i take a look at your stat sheet as the dm that's your right you're allowed to do that anytime you want um okay so maybe the the dungeon master can start it off with a little all right ready to play and uh you don't have to cheat. It's more fun if you don't cheat. Ready? Here we go. A little pep talk like that. The other thing you could do as a DM

is give some of the other characters magic items and give them some abilities and stuff that feel like they catch up to the cheater, and then you can put in monsters that are harder for everyone so it's not just like easy for this one guy normal for everyone else yeah okay all right sweet maybe we can have murph on and he can let us know what he does when you cheat like is it like you want to i was just kidding i don't really cheat i'm like fucking really honorable. That's cool, man. You're crying again.

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Take this survey and we will read the results. It's gum.fm slash s-e-g-m-e-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all in one, first stop, one stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any

questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed.

Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z.

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You save 10% off your first purchase, and then use the coupon code segments when you're ready to launch that free trial enjoy thank you squarespace and we are back j what do you got yes uh i recommend cordless vacuums i recently got my first cordless vacuum and it changed my life completely i was a corded vacuum loyalist i thought this was just the status quo the only way to get things done you lug it around you plug it in you vacuum for as much as possible you unplug you lug it to the next room you got to recoil at the end too you got to recoil you got to decoy you got to recoil

until my brother uh told me about his cordless vacuum got one and i was like wow i had no idea how much easier this is i can get under couches under chairs it, got one, and I was like, wow. I had no idea how much easier this is. I can get under couches, under chairs. It's got the agility and portability of a broom and the suction and power of a corded vacuum. I can't believe it. Would you say that going cordless feels choreless? You really put me on the spot there.

I guess I never thought of it that way you don't have to really think about it was just that it was just does it feel choreless yeah in a way in a way it does but also there's no reason what is how would it feel like a chore and then we're suddenly talking about socioeconomically what chores actually mean like you think of chores in the classic way and it's doing the dishes the better response would have been to be like haha yeah i think so oh yeah yeah i think so uh but when you think about chores nowadays it's uh more so than chores it's about cutting the cord both with cable and with vacuums chores or bores aka i've always said

now that and now that it's cordless i can vacuum with ease and i find myself vacuuming more and then it's just it's a much more pleasant experience i've even like turned a few of my friends onto the cordless vacuum uh i was once on the other side and and I assure you, it's a worthwhile upgrade, especially if you're looking for a new vacuum. We haven't gotten paid to promote any specific brands yet, so I don't have to talk specifically about which one I'm using. Though I assure you, it's amazing. I assure you, it's a Dyson. And if you give me 80 grand, I'll say the full name of it. But let's just say it starts with D-Y-S.

Yeah, you can go on amazon and just see what their what their best ones are but i i've had a cordless vacuum for a while and i also i similarly love it yeah cordless vacuums what do you got um well you know our buddy al jaleel yes um this is a guy that he's like just done us a lot of favors um i think we met him in brooklyn because he offered to make a video of our show and then like early in the venue uh wouldn't let him or something like that and i felt bad we hung out uh he's a great guy he like gave us a ride home after our show in dc yeah just been an all-around solid dude for a long time and he hit me up and he asked if he could pay me for a 15 second spot on the show

to promote something and i said dude that's great how much did you fucking charge his ass well i i charged him a lot and that's and i'm not gonna tell you and i'm not gonna let you promote him because i'm gonna keep all the cash for me so you charged him and then he paid you directly if i know you or he's giving it to head gum and then we'll split well i have to i have to upload this air check so i'll show him the ad and then i'll pay me directly but he doesn't pay you because like i feel like during the ad break we do we each do an ad and then you know the money has to get split but if yeah it's a little faster and better for me if i just go directly to the source i do the ad and then i don't have to give you anything i don't think that's moral to cut me out like that well i mean i'm not stopping you from you can go out there and do ads you can get an ad and come

on i'm fucking talking about vacuums and they're not paying you squat and you're just like selling yeah you're taking advantage of friends fans videographers alike so what is he looking to promote okay yeah so that's the thing so i told him that for the right price i'd promote his stuff for 15 seconds but the right the price was actually free because he's been a solid dude for us for a long time and then i asked him what he needed help with and he wrote me a little thing you want to hear what it is okay i'm al jaleel williams a 34 year old actor writer director filmmaker from newark new jersey my website is handsome dad films.com that's good website. He didn't write that. I'm just saying it.

That's your editorial, yeah. Here's his dilemma. I have two YouTube pages, and I need subscribers to change the name of one of them. The first and main page to see my films is youtube.com slash handsome dad films. Again, that's a good name. The second one I made years ago ago but i don't have 100 subscribers so i can't change the name it's youtube.com slash tra b for show okay do you understand why he needs to change that yeah hard to pronounce don't know how to spell it t-r-u-h-b and then the number four show s-h-o no w that's so that's that's tough. I want to change my name, and it's going to be for vlogs, reviews,

and his fitness journey, things like that. Okay, so he's trying to change the YouTube to Handsome Dad Films. Okay. And if you want to reach out to him, it's handsomedadfilms at gmail.com. Okay, that's all I got to say, but you need to follow his YouTube so he can change the YouTube name from Trubby4Show to

Handsome Dad Films, which we all understand that he's going to need to do. So how many people need to follow the one that's hard to spell and pronounce? 100. That is a low bar. If 100 people follow this YouTube, that helps a young up-and-coming filmmaker from newark new jersey okay yeah who has straight up given us a ride home after a show that's the literally good dude he is solid he's like he's not only he's not only driven he's not only driven he's actually driven us so that's correct it just shows you it shows you his drive um and i'm gonna put my money where my mouth is i'm gonna follow this youtube.com

slash truhb number four sho easy wow except not that easy and that's why it needs to be changed that's all that's my unsubsidized advice is help me help al you're kind of making me look like an asshole right because like you're helping one of our friends and then mine's like yeah it's hard to vacuum sometimes at the court so you don't know how much you don't know how much cash i really charged him it's because i said that i didn't charge him anything but then i also made a joke about how i charged him a lot and the truth is there's a little bit of gray area in there because i charged i charged al like kind of a lot of money for so that's not a gray area it's not you said one side is nothing at all the other side is a lot of cash and then you said it's kind of a gray area you charged a lot of cash that's

not a gray area that's a black area or a white area you're firmly entrenched into one of the extremes the worst one by the way so right so i think that like there's multiple sides to every story yeah and the truth usually lies in the middle right but yours yeah yours is not so what i did was i charged yours is exactly one of the sides yeah a lot of money yeah it's like saying oh this person thinks i'm 37 the other guy thinks i'm 47 the answer is usually somewhere in the middle no no one of them is right i'm 37 no i'm 40 you said that one wrong it's 37 so you didn't you don't nod yes do not nod yes because you don't understand what i'm saying don't nod no either because that's just like

you're trying to ignore me i well then i don't know what to do with my head at this yeah just listen to me okay i'm crying you're crying now but that's fine that means it's starting to get processed somewhere in the deep recess of your brain. Don't take advantage. Al's got 52 subscribers on this thing. Give me 48 fucking people that give a shit and we can help, okay? Okay. All right.

I'll do my best. 48 people. That's it. And then I get the cash that I was promised. Actually, I'm going to unsubscribe now. So we're at 51. We need 49. Come on, do this let's let's go let's go uh all right this is an email from somebody who's a 23 year old baby boy from southern california okay 23 god let's call him michael jordan mr 23 nice long-time listener first time question asker

i'm a 23 year old baby boy from socal who's scared shitless about going outside one of my best friends and his girlfriend he's been pressure a best friend and a girlfriend has been pressuring me to drag my socially deprived husk outside into the dangers of COVID. The problem is neither of them seem the least bit concerned about the virus. They don't wear a mask and they don't go out and they go out on the daily. My best friend even went to a resort hotel in Dana Point this weekend with some of his extended family. And his brother who was on the trip even has cystic fibrosis,

which is a chronic lung disease that puts him at a high risk in these trying times. My question is, should I say something to my friend to make him come to his senses? I honestly just want to know why he is not taking this pandemic seriously. How should I go about addressing it with my friend? I know he has a right to do whatever he wants with his body,

but as a concerned friend, I feel like I should do something. What would you say to an ignorant friend who thinks he's invincible to the virus? Also, how did Amir find a mask to fit around his big chipmunk cheeks? That's a good question. Love, Michael Jordan. I guess you haven't really, though, because you were asking me about what kind of mask to get. So I think, is that the problem?

No, it had nothing to do with the cheeks i was just asking because i like have like some flimsy dinky looking mask i want to upgrade my mask game it's not that it doesn't fit around my chin does it fit over your face yes it fits so it what yes it fits over my face with by the way several inches to spare even though my ears are a little bit further behind uh the average humans i still have a lot of mouth protrudes like you have a long those two front teeth are like you know yes i have i have big two front teeth i have a long nose and my ears are recessed but i'm not a chipmunk and i don't need like a special mask made i would take a custom one or if there's like sizes i would choose like yeah, yeah, chubby cheeks. Sorry, are you eating an acorn? I'm sorry.

We kept having to push back this recording and now I'm all hungry for a freaking snack. You're feeling peckish. Yeah. Yeah, you can't convince your friends to give a shit about the virus. For whatever reason, some people just don't care. Yeah, I've noticed that too. Hopefully the least you can do is tell him to wear a mask because it it's uh helping other people who do care whereas like where he goes he's mostly endangering himself there's part of it that

endangers other people that he comes in contact with right that's where it gets really selfish you can maybe just like share stories share articles videos it's there's not really much you can do it seems though yeah some people are just anti-science they'll be like that's fine or they'll say that's not even true or they'll just you know deny entirely and you can't i think that those are the people that either just like want to be outside. So they've convinced themselves that the virus is either not as deadly or the numbers are straight up fake. Right. This is what I need to believe to feel comfortable doing the stuff that I want. I guess you could, I mean, there are, there's, there's things that I feel like there's stuff that people share about this, sometimes it goes over my head or it doesn't grab hold of me.

But then sometimes an article is like, oh, that's interesting. I care about this. So you could just kind of strategically share things that you respond to and hope that your friend does too because maybe you guys are like-minded. Yeah. I don't know. It's so weird. Like, I don't really have a lot of friends that straight up don't believe in it,

but I do see people on Twitter and like people on the news, like at Trump rallies being like, yeah, I've seen people get sick, but I just don't know the real facts. You don't really know because, you know, they're feeding us fake news.

You know, people who are like led to question anything scientifically inclined or related at all. So it's not like you are going to be the one that breaks through yeah i think it's just like it's it's kind of like anyone doing anything dangerous like most of the time people are safe and then you like hear about somebody that did something really stupid and you're like oh my god um so as long as they're just endangering themselves that's that's gonna have to be okay for now yeah the real problem is

that like odds are they won't get sick so like they will go to a restaurant and like you know nine times out of ten be fine and they're like see i told you so but then you know one of those times they'll either get permanently ill or take a virus and give it to an old or immunocompromised immunocompromised loved one and literally kill them that's really until that happens they won't fully learn their lesson yeah because you're allowed to not give a shit about yourself it's really rude to not give a shit about other people yeah try to do uh all right last question uh This one is a long one, but I'll give you the CliffsNotes version from an 18-year-old. Yeah, he says, so here's my Ishmael.

So we'll call this guy Ishmael. 18-year-old dating another 18-year-old for six months now, but the 18-year-old girlfriend wants an Instagram sugar daddy, and one of them has been courting her. And he says the man is 47, and she says that she just wanted to get some money from this guy so that he could pay for us to rent a cottage this summer. And that obviously it meant nothing to her, but I can't lie, I find it a bit creepy that he calls her my beautiful baby doll and other names of the like she did ask for my opinion before going through with anything but now i'm stuck in this mental kerfuffle of freudian perplexity i find it creepy for sure but also it could be a harmless way for my girl to make some

guap do you think i should give her the a-okay so we could stroll away for to this cottage country this summer or should i hold my ground and stress that this guy's a creep and could be scamming her a longtime fan from toronto okay thank you ishmael so this 47 year old instagram is sending his girlfriend cash to chat with him on instagram the well the first thing that we should cover is just that it's not up to you that's um the question of should i say it's okay or should i hold my ground you're you're entitled to have an opinion about it but this is not your call uh yeah ultimately it's her decision to make i would share the opinion that this is creepy and bad though you know like it seems like this is just the beginning of a bad power dynamic in a relationship uh for this old dude and your

girlfriend it's definitely dangerous adjacent if it stops here entirely and he just sends her cash to dm him that's probably fine but my uh spidey sense is tingling in that i'm closer to 47 than to 18 and i feel like this 47 year old uh odds are he just won't want to dm for cash forever and then just disappear right i think this is where it starts and not where it stops this isn't like the guy this guy's end goal is not like i'm just gonna send a young woman cash for her to go on a vacation with her boyfriend and that's good for me that's not what that's not like the that's not the end goal here not at at all. No. Yeah. But at the same time, if this lady wants to do it with their DM with this guy and take his money and spend it on you, you can't stop her from doing that either. Yeah, you definitely can't stop her.

Well, you could say that you don't want the money to be spent i think that like the thing that you can you have control over is saying like i don't want to go to a cottage paid for through this creepy guy like if if your girlfriend wants to spend like get money to spend it on you and you say that you don't want that money spent on you and she could do whatever she wants with the money you know then then the cash from the dude becomes a little less fun unless she just wants to buy herself stuff right yeah i guess be honest with her let her know that it makes you uncomfortable and maybe it'll make her uncomfortable uh or at the very least steer her to a place where she like yeah maybe this is a little creepy way to make cash yeah uh yeah stay safe good luck uh we'd love a follow-up pop uh

all right this uh if you have your own questions or theme songs the email address for all of that is if i were you show at gmail.com for more of me and jake being silly you can listen to the head gum podcast that we're on almost every week that's correct a podcast that jeffrey james has been hosting and it's been very fun to record those and then we're also still making videos every week on our patreon patreon.com slash j a jaw thanks to you guys for listening, and thanks to everybody for writing in. And, oh, this closing theme song I was going to totally forget is another parody. A Green Day about, oh, another song with a title that doesn't appear in the lyrics. It's called Brain Stew. I'm having trouble trying to sleep.

Did it, did it, did it. Oh did oh yeah i love that one that's a good one um and he says shout out to brother sister co for helping his baby face diva become a hard one of himself so i guess he's been using the beard oil damn you'll love to see it good work man cheers and go dogs hell yeah go dogs uh thanks to paul for writing that and thanks to you guys go smoggies go doggies and we'll be back next week later bye i'm having trouble trying to think so i'll turn on this podcast show Ask for advice

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