Segments - 441: Streamin' and Dreamin'

Episode Date: June 30, 2020

In this episode we discuss stinky roommates, video games, and pranking creepy DM'ers.For more us-on-podcast action check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't.

This part is now the ad. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but we'll see you guys there no no no no let's learn some chords this This is E sus 4. This is B7 sus 4. Okay, you now know enough guitar to get you laid. I've been working from home with somebody tonight

Can't get my go-kart feeling cause I can't connect I need some help, my girlfriend doesn't wear a mask I know just the right to do is for me to ask If I were you, here's what I'd do Take some advice from a chip on can I guess J2 If I were you, here's what they'd do Thank God for life We're saved by these two Jews

Not all heroes wear grapes Yeah, I swear it's gold Give this man a golden mind Before I get old Some unsolicited advice, now I'll be prompt But you're gonna wanna buy some cookies from Jake's mom If I were you, here's what they'd do If I were you show at gmail

to get a new cue I don't know that was free falling I think you got a yeah that was me that was me 11 years ago

oh wow I thought that was i thought that was you all right sorry yeah i thought you were actually just uh saying that at the end of the song which would have been a solid bit yeah does your voice change like do i i guess i sound the same between the ages of 25 and 37 right my voice shouldn't change i would think so yeah i think you do i think you have i think nothing's changed yeah maybe a tiny bit a little bit of gravel a little bit of uh wear and tear some some age you know like the the um the like the fire the passion is gone yeah sort of sound like you're phoning in all the time uh-huh um that kind of vibe like um but i think

like yeah no like if you heard a 60 year old talking would it be like that guy could be 30 i don't think so but maybe uh that's i do feel like i could tell when i'm on the phone with people if they're old or not but maybe i can't right or does it just like happen one day or is it a gradual such subtle shift that over the course of 30 years you can't. Right. Or does it just like happen one day? Or is it a gradual, such subtle shift that over the course of 30 years, you can't really tell the difference? Maybe it's gradual, but it feels like after 75. Like my grandfather had the oldest voice you can imagine. Right. When did that start?

When he was 40, I think. He turned into a grandfather. Oh, whoa. As soon as your child has a child child you become an old man voiced man i wonder maybe because that's sort of like the voice you choose to adopt to talk to your grandchild then you know yeah like there's baby talk but then there's like grandma and grandpa talk yeah the grand baby talk that's what they call it that's right uh this guy grayson kelly picked up a guitar in 2009 shortly after watching a college humor video was it coincidence or an inspiration who's to say uh wow and then uh

the shout out is that he makes music as eponymous postman on band camp but it sounds nothing like this so save the energy and donate to your local black lives matter movements instead is what he says i love this guy already so someone support his art that's awesome so maybe you could do both maybe you could check out eponymous postman and then also a local black live black lives matter movement so there's time for both definitely um all right that was a long theme song to get us here but you know what we're recording a little late today monday june 29th gonna gonna just very late record upload right away one of those quick turnaround episodes i love it um it's pretty exciting to you because you're now not only doing a podcast with me as like

a entertainer of sorts, but I'm also a gamer now, which is kind of, I don't know, nice for you to have it that way for me to be like, uh, I'm all sharing news. Don't share news this way. It's a new self-dawn for you because you have this kinship with somebody who not only has a Switch, but has a Twitch. You're insecure. That's why you share news this way.

That's why you tell me it's good for me. For you to do it this way is awesome. You can't just give me an update and I decide if it's good or not. It's great. It's great or not. And it is. It's actually good or great. I don't love the premise because the premise is that I...

The promise of the premise is that I'm a gamer slash Twitcher slash streamer. Actually, that was the upshot. The premise was that I already have a great job doing a podcast with you because you're a star and a celebrity. That was the premise. That was the starting point. Which I reject on its face.

The starting point was that I have respect for you and your craft. You want to sort of have as many pots on the kettle going, as they say. So I am a wordsmith, a songstress, a seamster, a teamster, a twitcher, a switcher, and a candlestick streamer. So you're streaming now. You have a Twitch. In a way.

In a way, I am. Yeah, I started a Twitch. First, just for fun, and now it's sort of a passion project meets Peach Pit of sorts. So, I'll eat this stone fruit and play Mario Kart. And by the end of the hour, I've made friends with new fans, and they're watching me play, and I'm playing along with them, if that makes sense. How does it work? Stone fruit aside do what what are what why does anybody give a shit jesus christ what's with the third degree human felt i'm just chatting i'm just

asking no i'm really like i'm taken aback by it the the questions like just say that's an awesome new exciting thing and i'm honored to be in your presence you don't have to be like how does it work you have like a script for exactly how you wanted this to go. I feel like it's supportive to ask these questions and to learn more. It is supportive and it's nice, but I feel like you're putting on airs. Like you don't sincerely think that it's an amazing thing

for me to do it this way, the Twitch. Well, maybe I don't, like I don't feel like I should have to think it's amazing right from the jump. Like, I'm allowed to ask questions and then decide later on down the road. Like, right now, I'm like, oh, this sounds intriguing. I want to hear. Look, you're getting so. You should have to win me over.

Why you. I should. I should have to. You should be begging me to be a fan of me and I have to consider it at the end of the conversation and honestly I'm leaning very heavily towards I don't think so

so I don't even get to ask like how Twitch works I need to like grovel for your for your love and support I need to beg you to be a fan of you and you might say no you need to grovel I don't even know beg you to be a fan of you. And you might say no. You need to grovel. Like, I don't even know if I could be a fan of you on Twitch.

Like, if there's a follow, if there's a like. But you're against me even asking questions. Like, maybe, honestly, you'd maybe want to share the URL for people. But you don't want me to ask what it is. You just want me to say, oh, that's great. You're amazing and move on. No, not move on anymore. Because I don't think I even want to accept that.

Let's just get right into the show. Wait. Let's get right into the show. And now we're glossing over it. And I want to spend at least an hour. Promoting. Self-promoting. Waxing promotional.

And you should not only be groveling, you should be graveling. As in, take two knees on a hot cement day and beg me to be a fan of me just tell me what it is i don't even know what it is yet you said you eat a stone fruit and play mario and i have to beg to be a fan i'll have a plum and play as peach if that makes sense uh well i got a capture card, of course. It allows me to play these games while also streaming that game live to whoever wants to watch it on my Twitch channel,

which is twitch.tv slash Amir Blumenfeld. If I went to it right now, do you have like a twitch.tv slash Amir Blumenfeld? So far, I've done two streams, which is pretty prolific for a couple weeks uh one of them is me playing zelda super nintendo zelda while ben the other one is is titled carton yeah the other one was carton and farton in which uh i was trying to finish first place in a mario race uh and it took a little over two hours, which seems like a long

time, and it was, as I slowly went insane, and people were sort of trolling me in the chat, on the stream, in the Twitch, on the day, in a way. Wish you could have been there. Yeah, I wish so too. I didn't know that if it's like a thing that I

get to just, yeah, a two-hour stream yesterday, if I can just log on and troll you, that sounds kind of good. That was supposed to take 10 minutes. Every race takes two minutes, and I thought I would do it within five or six races, and it took like 30 to 40, and I was streaming for two hours. Were you coming in second a lot? You know, I wasn't.

I actually didn't even get very close very often. So I would finish seventh, twelfth, eighth, sixth, and not really sniff the final two for a little bit. Do the people that you're racing know that you're streaming? Like, do they know that they're part of a Twitch stream, or is it just sort of like they're just racing for their own joy? That's right. They're having fun at home,

and they don't realize that they're actually the enemies in the story, the web that I'm, like, spinning. And they might be Twitching, they might be streaming and Twitching you also, right? Yeah, that's possible. Nobody's signing a release because I can't really, I mean, I guess I see their usernames. There was this one guy who was in there for an hour called Ryan, who kept beating me. And I sort of started creating stories with Ryan and how like, I really needed to beat Ryan. And my goal in life was to beat ryan and ryan kept on beating me and then he finally finished first and just left so ryan sort

of without knowing ruined my stream and then once he left a lot of people left because people were more interested in ryan than in me racing ryan's awesome yeah so ryan was sort of the man slash the b story of the stream and still is yeah ryan if he's listening, Ryan, hit me up, because I want to give you this podcast as a token of my esteem. I would love to host this thing with Ryan. He probably would be like a little. Who's good, yeah. I don't know.

Who's funny. Like, just better. Yeah, I was going to say like a couple specific ways, but I guess like better, just better generally. Yeah, because he has better racing and all that stuff. Yeah, he's better. I mean, well, that goes without saying because he was kicking your ass on the Twitch,

but I feel like he's just like more humble, smarter, better lover, better listener, better companion. Yeah, Ryan. Yeah. Ryan. And his name was just Ryan. Everyone else has a nickname or like, you know, your handle, but not Ryan. Ryan was just like, I'm going to put my name. You his name was just Ryan. Everyone else has a nickname or like, you know, your handle, but not Ryan.

Ryan was just like, I'm going to put my name. You don't need a handle. When your name is Ryan, that's all you need. Jack Ryan. So what people can hear you, can you hear them? Are there people talking like on these streams or is it just you? Everyone, like if I'm tuning in, what, what, like what's my sensory? What?

Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, what's, what's my sensory what yeah yeah like you know what's what's paying it what are you getting i for yeah i can well it's a it's a video on me and then the video of the screen of the game and then people can like my friends can uh sign into the audio uh channel chat that i'm having. So like a couple of days ago, I played Zelda while Ben was sort of guiding me through the level. So you can hear Ben, you can see me and see the game. Cool. With Mario Kart.

And like people's comments and stuff. Are you reading comments as all of this is happening? Are you sort of like your eyes are on the game and talking to Ben and the comments are flying by and that's not really like what you're there for. That's right. I can't play. I can't pay attention while i'm racing to the comments but like in between races i'll read the comments so like i'll finish in 12th and then i'll look to the comments and people start weighing in telling me how shitty i raced and then i'm back in back in the race and i go so it's not like a straight up like live stream like we used to do it where we would just

like sit there and read the comments and be like oh it's claire's birthday yeah uh yeah it's more university of michigan right i'm like interacting with the game while the chat's going on in the background rather than me just the chat's interacting with okay cool yeah i so i've streamed a couple times on twitch as well right so you get it for uh dnd but never video games. We're just streaming. Like, uh, I'm like basically just streaming a zoom call. So I'm not like looking at the Twitch either.

So that makes sense. I kind of like that. It's like the chats there for the people that are watching the stream, but it's not necessarily there for the streamer. Cause I feel like that always just devolves into just like someone rattling off shout outs. Yeah. Or like what else,

what else reading comments occasionally. Yeah. Or like, what else? What else? Reading comments occasionally. Yeah. Have you been playing any new games recently? I saw that you had finally downloaded Witcher. Yeah. Where did you see that? How did you know?

It like appears in my friends list, like what games my friends are playing that's so invasive i wish it wouldn't do that uh oh yeah right here it says you logged 17 hours yesterday on animal crossing and two on witcher and then whoa this is weird it usually doesn't say such detail it says you rage quit so like oh that's cool it uploaded an audio of you hold on i think i might have i feel like i checked whoa that's cool i guess when you like reached i checked i think i checked a box that i meant to leave unchecked i i didn't know that they could record me and share that yeah here's you

mashing the button sort of mouth breathing while you play this is cool it's like a really high quality wave file that had uploaded to my page so it's only a wave file they didn't i was i'm just hoping there's no way they could like capture hd video i don't know how this happened yeah this is insane like a dslr that you set up or something i don't know if i checked it or left it unchecked like am i supposed to check this is a really unflattering video i guess yeah this game is a surveillance of sorts. Awesome. I'll upload this to my Twitch later. Please don't. Yeah, I did download The Witcher.

And? It took me a long time because it's so big that I couldn't just download it on the Switch that I had. I had to go get a tiny little mini SD card. Wow. Which took me a little while because it wasn't a high priority. Next level. But then I finally did i have it and it is awesome i really love it that's cool it's not too difficult the so far the hardest thing was actually getting the game to start yeah downloading the game and getting the sd card

was super hard i'm also playing on like the first above story mode. So I'm not like, it's not hard. So much of it is just really awesomely animated cut scenes. It feels almost like I'm just watching a really high quality fantasy cartoon of The Witcher. Right. And then there are times when I'm just watching the story unfold. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, gameplay now. I'm like, oh, damn it. I have to move this horse to a tavern. All right all right one second and then i'll get to the fucking good shit

let me just beat this bad guy so the story can continue yeah i think the game i mean the game is like huge that in a way that's like a little intimidating there's all these side quests and stuff and i kind of i have like ocd about finishing everything but i also don't want to get like bogged down with like i don't know just hunting it or like gathering gathering food for a village or something you know right i want to just like fight the big bad guy that's it yeah get me to the end as fast as possible basically it's an audiobook with visuals and then occasionally you're slaying a monster yeah that's really that's basically it but like the voice acting is amazing it's really it's it's great to watch you're playing are you playing on the handheld style or up on a big tv

uh handheld still i have not played this is something i would maybe play on the tv um i i would definitely do that but i haven't done it yet. Animal, like I was only playing Animal Crossing before and there's really no reason to play that on a television. Yeah. If anything, it's more shameful to see this giant animated pig that you're controlling while you're watching basically a children's story. I know. And like, it was barely worth playing on the Switch, just the handheld.

Are you off Crossing entirely? I haven't picked it up in a pretty long time. Yeah, I think it's been a couple of weeks. I feel like the world would have to feel way more normal or better or good for the first time ever for me to feel like, okay, I'm going to go back to 69 land and plant some apples.

At least you got a good username out of it. I don't know why I feel like I can do that with The Witcher, but yeah. I mean, every time I play Animal Crossing now, it just feels like very quaint. Is your nickname or your screen name on Animal Crossing was Yak, Y-A-K, right? Yeah. Is that the same as witcher and other games or was that just an animal crossing name i think that was just an animal crossing because or maybe it's that in like mario kart 2 it's just when i have to like choose a name but in in the witcher

i'm gerald of rivia so i can't really call him yak and i wouldn't want to gerald like herald with a g uh well well it's like herald with a t and then then a g gerald did you choose that or is that the name of the guy in the game it's the only it's the guy it's the guy it's that's the only guy that you can be his name is gerald call me gary please don't actually gerald is gerald all of the names in it are super weird but i think it's like norwegian or some kind of like slopic thing oh interesting maybe that's why uh here's a question we got from a guy named gerald ready well snuck that one in that was interesting i like that gerald it's a fun little hosting mechanism yeah thanks yeah i've been practicing via my my stream uh gerald writes i'll keep this

short how far are you willing to let your beards grow during quarantine i feel like the country's standards for physical appearance has collectively dropped thanks to covid and the lack of physical interaction any hankerings for facial hair experimentation? Thanks. Love, Geralt. I've mostly been shaving my beard. I had a mustache when quarantine first started, and then I shaved it.

Then I grew kind of a beard. Then I've just been kind of shaving. Have you ever, in the last three months, showered, put on a nice shirt, tucked in nice pants, and presented yourself physically? I haven't gotten ready for something important since February, it feels like. I've just been wearing sweats and shorts for the last five months. I definitely, early early on was like, I can't wear sweats all the time.

So I like will shower and put product in my hair. Oh, really? And not like wear like a nice button down shirt and shoes, but like I'll wear things that aren't sweats. Yeah. Like nicer t-shirts or something and that's just like for yourself to feel like you're doing a productive part of society yeah i feel like there's been a couple times where there was like a zoom birthday party or a zoom happy hour that i like put on a

collared shirt for and i showered for it felt nice i also straight up put on a tuxedo for the dungeons and dragons finale live stream. Wow. The NADPOD finale. How did that feel? And that was fun. A tuxedo. It felt great.

Yeah. I don't think I've buttoned a button in a while. Yeah. And I put on the legit tuxedo shirt with the stud buns. And my cufflinks. I also wore a lot of jewelry underneath it. I feel like I got really dressed up. I had two necklaces on and a ring.

Wow. I didn't realize you have a ring just for exciting, important days of your life. Well, somebody sent, it was like a NADD pod present. Like somebody made a hard one sure foot ring out of like sterling silver or pewter or something. Yeah, I was going to say. Some hammered metal. It looked pewter from here. I could see i could see that it was pewter yeah it would have been cuter it was a pewter ring uh but yeah i feel like beard wise you've had a bigger beard in regular life that's almost you showing effort it it's the mask like it's so uncomfortable to wear a mask with a beard and to sweat like my face just gets too

hot yeah is it hot and sweltering in nyc still oh man yeah it's fucking it's brutal but i kind of love it i miss i i love the new york city summer i love uh getting drenched in sweat when i go outside are people as long as i'm prepared for it mentally yeah are people still wearing a mask despite the humidity or have masks rates dropped um in the parks that i've like when i i mostly like run or uh bike or work out in the parks when i'm going outside like if i'm outside it's to exercise but uh mostly i see people like doing everything in mass yesterday it was like 90 degrees degrees and I ran the bridge and most of the people I saw were wearing masks. Holy shit. Running in that heat, wearing a mask additionally. Holy

crap. Yeah. Um, I like when I'm running, I mostly keep my mask like at my chin. And then when I'm passing people, I pull it up. So it's not like they're all the time. And when I put it up, it's like very hard but i don't have to run for very long it's like 10 seconds when i see someone until when i pass them and then i pull it down holy shit it seems intense um i feel like the more more than beards were like growing out her hair yeah that's the last that's the last thing i haven't touched since quarantine started i think my last haircut was in February. So in July, it'll be five months.

August, half a year. That's crazy. Do you want a haircut? Are you kind of digging the... I mean, you got headbands. Yeah. I sort of do want a haircut just to see what this looks like cleaned up. But then at the same time, I'm like, let's see what happens if I continue continue this although it's just getting worse and worse and worse i sort of know what's happening

it's just getting bushier and bushier and like turning into like a helmet of fuzzy ratty dry ass hair i think it looks awesome at event i mean eventually it's going to start to fall and then it's going to be like shoulder length fucking hair like gerald of rivia tie it back in a fucking half bun that's cool a man bun or he does like a half pony actually that's what he does i kind of want the sides to be shorter because it's like covering my ears and getting a little uncouth ratty straggly hairs yeah i understand i understand um all right let's take a break. Thanks, some sponsors. We'll come back with more questions and answers after these messages. All right. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Take this survey, and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. And we are back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson!

Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I don't think I do, but I think you do. Yeah, I bought recently a portable projector. Again, I don't want to say any brand names. They're not paying us for this endorsement. But there are many options for basically soda can sized projectors that you just plop down and can shoot an image up to 100 inches of you know streaming content you can

put netflix on the thing shoot it against your wall indoors or outdoors perfect for outdoor movie nights uh yeah and that's affordable summer i'm into it. Yeah. I'm into that. I tried it last week and it worked out. I was projecting it against this pretty dark exterior wall of my house. So I'm wondering if I should shoot it into like a whiter screen. Like I have to get a light screen now to watch the videos, the movies. I feel like I heard that like just a bed sheet will work. That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. that like just a bed sheet will work that's right yeah yeah in fact if i actually staple my mattress over my door kind of like zombie apocalypse style then i can just pop the projector down there and use it you can watch uh like a zombie uh welcome to zombie land zombie land is that a movie yeah zombie land zombie land is for sure you could watch that yeah you could you could watch that as a movie on the mattress on the house zombie style yeah on the day that's cool uh so yeah that's my unsolicited advice get yourself a portable projector i always thought projectors were like big old things in high school classes that had to be hardwired and i think the nice ones right i remember i had a projector instead of a TV in my apartment once. Yeah.

You had to plug it in. It was really cool. But it was not, like, you could never just, like, casually, like, flip something on. It was an endeavor. Yeah. And it's hard to watch during the day because it's already very bright in there. Right. So did you watch, you had, like like an outdoor movie night with Avital?

Yeah, we had my buddies Sean and Christina over. So we had four of us distanced, masked, outdoors, watching Ace Ventura Pet Detective. That's a fun little time. Yeah. That's really nice. That movie. Was it a good movie? It's so silly.

I haven't watched it in a while i've obviously i loved it like as a nine-year-old but watching it as like a 37 year old's like wow this movie is like basically like an hour and 10 minutes long of just jim carrey being insane and then it ends it almost could be like a tv show it's like such a short crazy movie it's kind of funny like i can't imagine i feel like when we talk about writing comedy movies now, we're talking about writing them for our peers to think they're funny. But do you think anybody that wrote Jim Carrey was like, okay, good, all of my comedy colleagues are also going to love this? Or are they just like, yeah, 12-year-olds will think this is amazing yeah i don't know and did i don't even know if like did jim carrey write it or they just like outlined it and threw it at jim carrey and they're like all right jim you do the rest because like so much just do a bunch of stuff here yeah like when he's talking out of his ass for three and a half minutes or like pretending to be like this football player in a tutu at an insane asylum did they script that part or they just like

pointed the camera at jim and told him to be funny that's really weird i i maybe we should start uh thinking about being writers and just sort of think about like coming up with a character for someone like jim carrey yeah first i guess first you just have to find someone who's so funny that like you don't really have to write anything you just say like be funny and then a jim carrey type would do it the world will never have another Jim Carrey he's still doing it I saw the Sonic movie he's still hilarious than that like 30 years later so there's still time and yeah that's what I'm saying if we write Sonic 2 starring our friend Ben Schwartz and Jim Carrey like that's easy we have a line into the guy that's right like Ben

I'm actually kind of pissed because like I feel like Ben hasn't like mentioned us to him, to Jim. Yeah, I don't think he would because, I mean, they didn't necessarily even shoot together. It was just Ben's voice. So I don't know how it would have happened. They did like a press tour together. So it'd just be interesting if Ben would have like brought us up to be like, you should work with these guys.

I think that would be, I mean, I'd appreciate that. I don't know if you'd give a shit, but I think that'd be pretty cool. Even if he did do that, and he definitely did not, what do you think Jim would be like, yeah, thanks for letting me know about these two fucking dudes, these two podcasters that you think I should work with?

That's cool. He knows we have a podcast? Okay, Mr. Carey, if you're listening, I have an idea for an Ace Ventura 3 or 4. Yeah. And a hilarious thing that didn't age well in Ace Ventura, I don't know if

you remember. You probably remember this part, but forget how trans slash homophobic it was when he finds out that the person he kissed was actually a guy. Proceeds to, like, puke, shower, cry shower cry brush his tongue and he's like oh my god i can't believe i fight they didn't even have sex like i can't believe i kissed a guy and then at the end they see her dick and every police all of the cops do it yeah jesus christ that's definitely not good so okay never mind maybe we shouldn't have

anything to do with the franchise it was problematic for sure but the parts that weren't were very silly and entertaining still so shout out to jim carrey for spending an evening with us and uh get yourself a portable projector if possible that's right that's right uh all right next questions yes oh we actually got a follow-up pub from last week's episode remember oh the the dude who was writing in about his lady getting potentially sugar daddied by a guy in uh texas yes i do so this this sugar daddy figure wanted to send this dude's girlfriend cash just to chat with him. And we told him that, like, you know, you can't necessarily put your foot down and tell your girlfriend what not to do. But you can, you know, let her know that it makes you feel uncomfortable and make her make her own decision.

And hopefully it aligns with yours. So this is what happened. Right. This man writes, so my girlfriend and I talked about it and after coming to the unanimous conclusion

that this guy was a creep after all, she had the idea that instead of just blocking him, we should play some kind of prank on him to get back at him

for creeping on young girls. This is not what we recommended. He went off block. He went rogue. He went rogue. So she kept up the act for another day or so uh with him not knowing we live in toronto she expressed that she wanted to meet him uh since dm wasn't enough so she just named some obscure texan location and

i guess he drove there to find no one was there. And at which point she blocked him. So she sort of trolled. She basically turned this guy into Mickey being like, Hey, I'm here in this mall. Do you see me? No, that's right. Cause I'm not there,

Mickey. And then she blocked him. So this guy just sort of drove to meet a girl and then nobody was there. They sort of John Wolf. Yeah. Cause it wasn't illegal what they did. Just very inconvenient for him. Yeah. But ultimately of John Wolfed him. Yeah, because it wasn't illegal what they did. Yeah, just very inconvenient for him. Yeah, but ultimately he can't be like,

hey, I was fucking sugar daddying up this 17-year-old, 18-year-old on Instagram and she lied to me. You can't complain about that. Yeah, so that's, I guess you guys, it's sort of weird to me that they just blocked him. Like, don't you want to see how the prank unfolds? I guess they didn't want to see the part where he says, what the fuck is your problem? I'm going to yell at you or do something mean or say something bad about it.

Yeah, I mean, I would imagine that he gets sad instead of angry but we'll never know no nor should we uh all right here's a real question from a british bloke what's another character from the witcher um uh jennifer it's a it's a woman but that'll work all right we'll call this guy jens i'm a 25 year old brit and have spent the majority of lockdown hunkered with my nightmare housemate. This guy moved in a few days before lockdown began and initially seemed nice and quiet. All the good ones do at first, I guess. The issue is I frequently walked into the kitchen to find him doing something foul, including eating a bowl full of pure minced beef, drinking a pint of full fat milk,

eating yogurt with his hands, or pouring bacon fat directly down the kitchen sink, leading to a two-day blockage. Oh dear. Oh. Not only... Two-day blockage. Not only this, but he appears to buy bags of full meat on clearance

and then leaves them out on the counter for days since there's no room left in the fridge. This results in him throwing away a small garbage bag or two full of rotten meat that then sits in the garden until collected. Several times now, this has led to writhing piles of maggots appearing. And aside from him slowly killing himself with his diet, it's gotten to the point where I feel physically disgusted to be in the kitchen while he's eating. What would you do in this situation? He's 24 and by now should have learned to feed himself

or how to be a courteous housemate. I've considered talking to him about it, but this feels too much to try to explain to him all at once. Should I speak up or just ride it out till the end of a lockdown? Thanks. Love, Jens. Okay, Jens.

The meat on the counter, the slowly rotting counter meat. This guy's like a zombie or something or an alien in a Men in Black movie. What is he doing? Yeah. I mean, there's parts, I feel like it's all like case by case because there's some stuff like him eating yogurt with his hands is super foul.

But you shouldn't necessarily go to your roommate and be like, hey, you have to use a spoon because I'm like feeling grossed out. But you can be like, hey, you're leaving meat to rot on the counter or you're wrecking the plumbing of our ancient British house. You can say stuff about, it sounds like, half the stuff that he's doing. Yeah. It seems like you have to draw the line at something Dave Rosenberg would or would not do. Like, what can you imagine him doing of this stuff, and what can you imagine it being even too much for Dave? Oh, God.

Dave would do all of this stuff. Including the rotten meat? All right. No, I think Dave might. Dave cooks a lot of bacon. I think he would not. He would not pour the bacon grease right down. He knows not to do that.

That's good. And I don't think he'd leave meat to rot on the counter. Right. I think he wouldn't do those things. Okay, so you basically drop it on there. Yogurt with his hands, Dave would do. Yeah. Yeah, Dave would do that. Drinking the milk, he would definitely do that.

Yeah, he'd do everything else. So I think you could say, listen, man, like yogurt with your hands, like said that's fine but as soon as it starts encroaching on my ability to stay healthy you can have that conversation yeah like liquid uh rotten meat juice on the counter is bad for your health it's not just like a gross thing to see or deal with in the apartment. Exactly. It's dangerous. It's a risk.

It's a hazard. Yeah. Same with like the drains getting fucked up. That's your security deposit, but that's cash. That's money in your pocket that he's taking from you. And I like to, during these things, I like to sort of sarcastically,

passive-aggressively start it with like, i have this weird thing where i'm like super sensitive to bags of rotten fucking beef everywhere on the maggots i am a weirdo like that i guess you can call that's just sensitive flour so that way you'd be like no you're right that is crazy you'd be like yeah all right you're a sensitive guy but i'll do it for you yeah i don't know what i would do i feel like i'm so passive that i would just be like hey do you want me to throw out that meat that's on the counter because i think it's no i don't think so i'll take a look at it later are the magnets on it yet meat can keep it room temperature for 48 hours head spinning mucus coming out of every pore of his face. Yeah, you could be like, hey, do you think I should order more spoons?

Because I noticed that you didn't have one the other day for your yogurt. I had a spoon. I prefer to lick it off my fucking salty ass sweat palms. I'm going to be drinking bacon grease out of the drain. Don't move it because I sort of spoon it out of the drain after it solidifies, and I eat it like a pudding. All right, let us know what he says, how it goes. Yeah, yeah.

Please keep us posted. One last mini question that's sort of a follow-up pop in my life. Interesting. A guy named Tom. I'll just call him Tom, because because whatever this is not a shameful question what can i do for my weak little sage plant it's so small um then he then he attached a photo of his sage plant which is reminiscent this wasn't a week oh you said this wasn't a you said it wasn't an embarrassing question. Yeah, well, it's not really. It's super lame. It's about fucking growing herbs. He is a herb for growing herbs.

This sage is indeed weak and still 10 times stronger than the one I'm trying to salvage. I don't know if I've given a follow-up, but I was able to save just one of my sage stocks with the help of your sister, Sarah, the professional herbologist of my life. Wait, so what did Sarah tell you to do that worked? For my basil, it looked dry, so water it and keep it in the shade until it starts looking healthy again, which is true, it has been. And then for the sage, she said replant one of them and keep it watered, but not too watered watered deeply but not often that it likes um dry atmosphere and keep an eye on see if there's new growth and when you replant it plant

it all the way up to like the first leaf so okay that helped me um i have and that worked well worked is subjective i i definitely have one sage stock with four leaves on it for now. So I had one stalk with two leaves on it, so I've grown two extra leaves. So the plant itself, I wouldn't say plant because it's one little stalk, but it's still alive. So I'm considering that a victory so far. And what happened to the ones you tried to replant that you put in the water? The one in the water died, didn't grow roots. I don't know where that information came from, because I tried that with the basil now, and the basil one, again, not growing roots. This idea of propagation from clipping, where you clip it off and put two inches of the stock in water,

and roots will just fucking pour out of it after a couple weeks. Yeah, it seems magic. It seems like magic, and maybe it works sometimes. I don't know if I did something wrong, if it's just like yeah sometimes it works sometimes it don't we just don't know is your goal eventually to have a big healthy sage plant that you're like picking leaves from like once a week for dinner that's the goal that is the ultimate goal but i think i think i need to call this current iteration of sage which i started with like 10 seeds and i'm now down to one stock and the basil i think i have to call this like a

preamble a forward a practice round because what i need to do is like buy healthy plants put them in nice loamy damp soil in a big fucking bed and start from there. I think I don't want to be able to take it from seed and cultivate it and grow it from there. I think I have to just start a little further on. Knowing what I know now, I think I can keep a relatively small plant alive and grow it from there. It seems like it's just not worth the trouble to start from seed when you can buy these. How expensive are the plants at a nursery? No, not expensive at all.

So it's more just like a, it's like a passion project thing. Yeah. It's like a pride thing. It's like, I didn't have to fucking skip a level. I didn't use a warp whistle. I took this from literally like little fucking seeds that are the size of

like little poppy seeds. And now look at this bush. Isn't that incredible that i'm not playing the witcher on story mode yeah exactly i get it yeah i see and having failed at that i'm now ready to use the warp whistle i've earned i think my way because i've kept two plants half alive for this long so now i'm ready to just be like all right let me fast forward and see if i can keep full on it wasn't a completely failed experiment. It was just a, you got like a C minus or a D.

Yeah, I passed. So I'm ready to move on to like herbs 201, which I think I'll be better at having struggled with the first phase. Yeah. I also think I'm putting too much stock in these two. Like when you have plants and when you have like an herb garden, you just fucking, you grow a shit ton of stuff and some stuff dies and you prune and you cut and you use the good stuff and you discard the bad right now i'm like counting every leaf and be like oh i'm

losing one leaf oh god yeah which is like nice to have in the beginning but like i think i'm putting too much pressure on these small amounts you better be you were an herb man yeah i have to just fucking so are you gonna build to build beds in your backyard? That's what you got to do. Yeah, I don't know about building beds, but yeah, I can buy a bed, put some nice soil in there and buy smaller plants.

Skip a level, buy the bed. That's right. Buy it all. Yeah, and then use the bed to project as a screen to project the movies. But I watched a full masterclass with Avital about gardening. That was very helpful. Do you think you want to be a gardener? Like, what if quarantine just got

lifted tomorrow and you were allowed to go back to the office if you wanted? Would you be like, oh, good? Or would you be like, hmm, I kind of want to work from home and be a gardener, though? I would instantly break these plants. I would use them as shoes, and I would destroy them with my feet on my way to my car to go to an office. Yeah. And I can get breakfast at Dunkin'. I don't need herbs. I'll buy a fucking bag of frozen

basil at Amazon.com's Whole Foods 365 on the way to a board meeting. And I'll let it fucking spoil and I won't think twice about throwing it away. And my compost, I'll fucking shove fucking spoil and I won't think twice about throwing it away. And my compost, I'll fucking shove it down the hill. Did I tell you we bought a compost and we're trying to do that as well to create soil?

Wow, this is coming full circle. When we first moved to LA, I bought a compost. I know. Five whole years ago, six years ago. It didn't really work, right? Yeah, it worked. I mean, it worked a little bit it never turned into like full-on soil yeah it was like still doing that when we moved but i mean

like the point of it is that it gets like full of like flies and worms and shit so moving from one house to another we were just like let's leave the compost yeah but it had started to work that's good um yeah i'm kind of a compost skeptic i'm like how is this fucking rotten mound of bananas and leaves gonna turn into soil but i guess it does yeah i mean it is nasty i remember every time i like took anything out to the compost i was like afraid to open it because i just knew that like there were fucking maggots crawling around in it. That's right. And pretty soon if all goes well, I'll be, I think like to answer your question truthfully, it's like this gardening thing could be like a fun hobby of mine.

So I'm not putting so much pressure into these like two plants. I'm just like, you know, I have this like thing going on outside that we can help cultivate. Yeah. Los Angeles is a great place for a garden. You guys could grow stuff year round. That's what the gangster gardener said on the master class he's like you have to know your um climate he's like if you're on the east coast you have to like time things out to be like after the first frost and before the fall comes if you're in la you could do whatever you want all the time so yeah that's awesome there was i think there was like a there was a print that jillian had

that like it was just it was really beautiful but it like basically had like the month and then the fruits and vegetables that were in season in every single month oh really yeah because i think that like you can grow year-round but there's still like things that have growing seasons in la there are some crazy things that have growing seasons in la there are some crazy things that he was doing on this master class he's like i like growing sweet potato i take this burlap sack from a coffee place it's like this huge ass fucking potato sack i put these like sweet potato like clumps in there in this soil and then four months later i sliced the bottom of the bag open and a

bunch of sweet potatoes come out i'm like is that fucking possible what how is that he like takes the knots from existing sweet potatoes and slices them up and like one sweet potato becomes 12 after four months of like living in a fucking bag of old soil i guess that works that's awesome yeah that's crazy i'll get myself a burlap sack i have a feeling i'm gonna slice it out like one moldy peach will come down and you'll have to eat it oh it's so good because i made it from seed while you're watching the mask in your backyard for the 15th time uh all right that's the updates for now. Thanks for your questions. Thanks for your theme songs. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If you have any more of either, send them on down to ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. The opening theme song, remember, was that epic, absolutely savage ballad by Grayson Kelly, a.k.a.

The Eponymous Postman. This closing one is from our most prolific songwriter Justin Goncalves I believe who made a smash mouth parody for us very nice hell yeah can't wait for more of us you can check it check out our patreon patreon.com

slash ja for a weekly video we're also part of the head gum podcast which is the title of the new head gum podcast which is the title of the new head gum podcast correct love that show every week i think it's on fridays uh it's jeffrey hosting and a rotating cast and crew of head gum um friends and family so check that out as well check that out as well and uh as always we'll be back next week don't worry it won't be late next time hopefully next week we're gonna be on time probably record on friday this week wow how's

that sound wow how's that sound motherfucker it won't be as topical so if something insane happens over the weekend we won't address it but we'll definitely have an episode ready to go that's right uh all right enjoy this song and we'll be back next week. Bye, everybody. Later. Some show that's a podcast is getting even bigger. I think they even got a network. It was sounding kind of fun with the network name had come. And the show is called If I Were You. Who? Well, the views start coming and they don't stop coming.

Fed to our ears and I hit the ground laughing. Doesn't make sense. Half the time, your brain gets mobbed, but your head gets dumb. So much to hear, so much to fear. So what's wrong with having a problem? You'll never know if you don't send. You'll never know what can happen. If I were you, who?

Get show on on hit play. Hey, now get the five stars. They deserve it. Okay. This is if I were you. Hosted by Jake and Amir. It's Gonzalez. That was a hate gum podcast.