Segments - 442: Liquid Courage

Episode Date: July 6, 2020

In this episode we discuss lock down hangs, cool guys at bars, and Jake's family tree.For more of us on a podcast, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on THE HEADGUM NETWORK.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the limelight.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no.

It's a little bit funny, this problem I have. Certainly not something I'd bring up to my dad If only there were a podcast that could help me out It's for people like me that this show's about I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind that I send my problems to if I were you show

at gmail.com I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I send my problems to if I were you show at gmail.com. Beautiful. That's an Edward John parody or cover or something. Yeah, it's an Elton John parody. John Elway parody. Love to hear it.

Love to sing it. Love to be it. Elton John. And that one came to us from Tyler Jordan from Louisville. All the way you're saying is bad. And his band camp is okay. It's a John Elway pass. You obviously don't know.

And it came to us from Jordan Johnson from Louisville. That's correct. He is from Louisville. Really? But everything else you said was wrong. Okay, the SoundCloud is Louisville born and bred. that was uh it was a your song parody you know that elton john cover that's right um and it was by jason mars

whoa it's like a mix of john mars oh okay jason mraz jason mraz and Bruno Mars. And that's kind of what it sounded like. Yeah, Mars being short for Marzolkowski, of course. So John Mars, thank you for that. Yeah. And the only thing he'd like to plug is the continued long-term advocacy for the BLM movement. Hell yes. I'm sorry I took so long to get to his uh freaking shout out that good man thank you

great man and great song much better than i recorded on his voice memos he says so apologies for the shoddy audio wow i was gonna say that it was a little shoddy okay he's a noble he's a noble man i made fun of him before i knew any of this it was absolute was absolute shoddy-o. And for that, I'm only going to play it once. So thank you for that. Whoa, shoddy-o. Actually, I'm going to send him my microphone since this is my last episode. I'm retiring from podcasting.

I'm going to sort of change careers. That's amazing. I'm so glad to hear that. I'm going to follow my passion. Nice. Starting right after this yeah well i don't care what it is all right but sweet so you're out of it you're out of this you're onto something better or worse or whatever it doesn't matter you're finally i'll stay if you want did you

have a plan did you have a plan my plan was for you to beg me to stay and suddenly i can lord it over you i can start slipping a little bit and i can say shit like, well, I didn't want to stay. I'm doing this for you. So why don't you do this thing for a little bit? Okay, so it's fully backfired. And now you revealed your plan. You revealed your evil plan, I guess, through just me asking a single question,

which seems early to reveal the whole plan. The problem was, the full story is that my girlfriend pulled this move and it's like working on her end you shouldn't be sharing this much and i'm like please please please i'll change whatever so now i'm doing everything and so i'm like this is actually sucks sucks but i'll fucking do it so she's doing something really shitty to you and your reaction isn't to grow or learn from it it's to just turn around and do it to someone else you're a bad guy that's a pretty good idea you're a small man she's not talking to me so i'll say that to myself and then i'm like i'm gonna do that to jake i'm gonna

be like i'm gonna head out and follow my passion or whatever obviously i don't have a passion like i don't like to do anything yeah um and then you were gonna say no don't i'll do anything and then like you would have to do this show mostly and do like all the work. And I'll be like, I didn't want to be here anymore. I wanted to follow my passion and you fucking dragged me back. So in your dream world, your girlfriend is sort of manipulated and made you sad and is lording something over you, you're miserable, but then you also get to lord something over me, making me feel bad and shitty. That was like the goal.

That's what you hoped would happen. In a dream world. In a dream world, you're still getting manipulated by somebody. I was going to say, yeah, in a dream world, she'd be nice to me if I could choose everything but like having had that reality starting from there i'm out like i want to sort of shift from there going forward but okay all right forget it forget i said anything no it's i feel

i feel like an ass but like when you said you were going to retire, I just like on the slide, I threw out a text. So I already have a co-host. So like. It happened two seconds ago and I already changed my mind. I actually regret it. I know. But you,

I can't like fucking go, like I can't take back an offer. No, not like that. Who did you text that was offer only? You already offered it and they accepted? Yeah, it was Dave. Yeah, man. I'm going to record this podcast.

So just tell him that it was a miscommunication. Tell him that like this isn't. I can't do that. I actually fucking grew up with Dave Rosenberg. Like he's one of my best friends. So what do you want me to say now? Like from a goof, from a joke, you offered the co-hosting gig to Dave. He accepted. I feel like you're making me into an asshole, but like you, it wasn't a joke or a goof, from a joke, you offered the co-hosting gig to Dave. He accepted.

I feel like you're making me into an asshole, but like you, it wasn't a joke or a goof. It was, it was a designed ploy to get me to feel bad and to Lord something over me and, and host the podcast with me under your thumb. So that's not like, that's not like like a goof you don't just take that back it was a coup d'etat and i turned it into a coup faux gras yeah it really was it was a coup faux pas more than anything that you're hosting with my father a coup faux pas is really good that's a good name for this for this episode let's call it the kufo pa it won't make sense to people it will dave's in charge finally at this moment at uh at minute minute eight it'll make sense

and then it'll stop making sense starting at minute nine again when we figure out this ever happened all right i guess let's take advantage of it. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, an advice podcast hosted for now by me. I'm Amir. And me, Jake, with my future co-host, Dave. He's not here right now, but he'll get on board. As always, these are real questions from real people. People are still sending in their problems, even though they're in lockdown. Bad things can still happen. I mean. mean yeah life is still bad for so complicated for sure questions yeah um all right let's read this one which was how do i lock down a girl during lockdown

okay i imagine these will be a lot of the questions that we get during lockdown help my friend's sister is outrageously hot and I've crushed on her for ages, but only reconnected with them a month ago before Corona-palooza. They both want me to come over soon so we can all get high together, and I get the impression that the sister in particular wants me over because she keeps asking about it. Should should i go for it now despite cases in my state continuing to rise what if she gets tired of waiting and goes for a more devil may care type the friend is on board and a total wingman so i feel confident about my chances if i really went for it but i don't want to get sick or pass it on to anyone else thanks love and then this girl uh gave a fake

name okay so a friend this girl wants to hook up with her friend's sister yeah and they invited her over to get high the sister is going to be the wingman that's what she says the friend is on board and a total wingman so um i feel like you're going to be more cautious than I am. So I'll let you answer the question. Well, she says she doesn't want to get sick or pass it on to anyone else. You obviously can't get high with two other people if you don't want to get sick. That's how you get sick. You're sucking on a joint and licking a bong and doing a smoke fucking ring, a vape trick or two.

And then eventually one of the aerosol particles leaves her mouth. She's infected, obviously. You're not smoking through a mask. That's not devil may care. That's devil's lettuce. You're getting high on her own supply, a.k.a. COVID-19. And you are 19, which means it's probably fine for you but where do you live at home with a relative perhaps a great uncle they're gonna get infected and be like yeah sorry sorry

uh a mortimer but i wanted to hook up uncle morty uncle morty is now dead because of you yeah how's that how's that for devil may care devil did care devil took morty devil took him right down to georgia okay yeah and he cared a lot yeah you you hand delivered him someone uh so it does sound cool and fun but i'm afraid there is a risk of you getting sick there's definitely a risk you could do a Zoom getting high hang. You could do, well, people doing social distance, backyard, outside, it depends where you live, obviously. But if there's, if the cases are low in your city,

you could do like an outside hang. I guess you're trying to hook up with somebody and it seems like that's just not in the cards these days. Not yet. Yeah. Well, she says cases are rising, so maybe she's like a Florida, Arizona, California girl. Yeah. I mean, that's no bueno.

That is no bueno at all. What about if they can adopt the NBA philosophy? You get tested, and then you go to Orlando. Okay? That's the bubble. Quarantine yourself for two weeks. Sister, you, sister's friend, all in three different rooms. You test when you get there.

Then you quarantine for 14 days, regardless of the results, because that might be a false positive. And then if, at the end of the two weeks, you get tested again, and it's another negative, obviously, then you can get high with them with some peace of mind, knowing that you have a devil may care who gives a shit attitude. That's cool. And then when you go home, you got to quarantine for two weeks there away from Uncle Morty. So that's a month. That's one month of your time for one night of wild fucking and maybe that's

worth it yeah i don't know so you're sort of you're like casual like who gives a shit but at the same time you're like let's spend two weeks at a fucking hampton inn and you have to make sure that the hotel room wasn't used in the last week either i don't know what it's like to be single right now but i imagine i would be doing stuff like that like i would sit in a room for two weeks to get laid i think i'd quarantine somewhere a two-week pre-date to quarantine then you get tested and then you go on one date it's like coffee with someone it's like love is blind they didn't see each other they talked uh kind of in two separate

pods for a couple weeks then they got then they proposed to each other then they got married that's love is blind and that's what we're doing right now it's the perfect show for quarantine you can learn a lot you can you can also um get like have meet up in a way that's a little more safe than indoors getting high like if you guys are outside wearing masks mostly and getting high but then you know the whole hooking up part isn't very social distant yeah that's that's the part that's tough but i mean you could hang out a decent amount and then you'll they'll decide how much you like them how much you want them uh before you you decide to take the risk that's cool if you're like if you want a couple like safe social distance dates and you're like this person's great i really want to hook up with

them it's gonna be worth it to wait two weeks to quarantine to take two COVID tests to fucking make out with my dream friend sister. COVID tests here are free. Is that the case everywhere? Do you know New York City people handing out free tests when necessary? I think my brother paid like 20 bucks for his or something. It was cheap. I don't think it was free. He got a free antibodies test.

Wow. No antibodies? He hasn't gotten the results gotten don't answer that that's against his hippocratic oath we can't answer that question i don't think it is okay i'm being wait i have been subpoenaed i've been served what does it say what the fuck just for saying you're not sure or he didn't get his results yet yeah that's nothing a cease and desist because i released the list a cease and insist as in they're suggesting i go to prison for this for incest um what was i gonna ask about um testing oh yeah if you're positive you shouldn't pay so you should only pay if you wasted their time getting a negative result it's like you

could have just assumed you're negative you have to pay me 40 but if you actually have corona it's like it's good you did the test and this one's on the house what do you think about that idea that's great and if they're trying to like make you pay if you have coronavirus and they're like okay well that'll be a hundred bucks for the test it's like okay let me get my wallet and then you start going like coughing in their direction and kind of like back away you know that's cool yeah so then they think that there's a way to get this test for free that's cool and then when you go to get the test yeah when you get the test you shouldn't take your mask off because you could be like this is too unsafe and they're like we have to swab your nose we have to you have to spit in a cup you have to do something like that and you're like i'm not taking this fucking mask off you better tell me if i'm sick or not without me like bending over and kowtowing to your policy or whatever i'm

not gonna kowtow yeah so you're you're too busy not kowtowing they're testing i don't know they'll figure it out probably your ear or something or they'll they'll find a way to like get it through your eye or some shit yeah and then if you get like a positive then it's like you you really had it because they were able to tell even while you were still wearing a mask um sweet so how did your test go i was forcibly removed from the urgent care center for making a series of demands i thought uh i assume i do have it because as i was leaving the nurse said hey everybody that got a test positive can you help me spit this guy out of here are you trying to get your test still are you trying to go to the um like dodger stadium yeah i'm thinking about it i had an appointment and then i read

some harrowing tweets about how the lines were like two to three hours long so i said all right maybe i don't need to get a test right now since i'm feeling fine do you still feel fine yeah unfortunately i just give me a fucking reason to go i want to know I want to get some data I want to be like when I look at the stats I want like you know to look at one of those numbers and know that like that's me right there recovered asymptomatic yeah a case where nobody had it or how many people were tested today in America 600,000 that would have been 599 without me are you partaking in any behavior that would result in you potentially getting it that's a good question uh i mean i'm walking around my neighborhood with a mask so

there's a slight risk i'm going to a grocery store every once in a while slight risk i attended a rooftop uh phone booth party which is like see how many people you can cram into like a rooftop pool phone booth area i feel like that's like a risk that's a huge risk uh oh and i did a i did some yard work out front but i was wearing a gas mask that's that's probably a very very very slight risk i mean you went to the phone booth party in the yard there's nothing less believable than you doing yard work let's move on very good uh all right let's take a break we'll come back and uh i can't wait to hear your unsolicited advice i know you've dived nose deep into this new hobby of yours so you are not going

to want to miss this oh wow uh okay yeah yeah Fuck. We'll be back after these messages. Thank you to DraftKings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hey-o, DraftKings. The NFL is back. That's correct. And the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats. I want to know which wideout scored more than two tutties, which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick we'll do one before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is

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Unsolicited advice. Mom, I'm coming. Gross. mom i'm coming gross you know i don't know if this is like unsolicited advice but it's just something that i got into like i'm i don't know like a 50 year old man or something i just i signed up for an ancestry.com account i have no idea why i feel like it was a really convincing banner ad i'm too young to give a shit um but it's kind of interesting like you fill in i did like a free trial and you like fill in your parents and their parents and everything you know and then like it just links you with a bunch of other people who have also done it and like done way more work than i have um and then it just like helps you fill in your family tree so how is this not more than like 30 minutes like are you then going back to the website and filling

in more stuff interviewing more people trying to grow the tree like how is it an active community um i people like add stuff all the time there's like, like, at least, like, in my family tree, I'm finding, like, images scanned of, like, immigration manifests in, like, New York in 1903 and stuff. And then there's, like, baptism records in England from 1658. Yeah. Related to your family or just, like, they're just brass? No, just fucking pictures that I can see. Oldest baptism record from Wembley. So what have you learned?

I guess not really that much that I didn't know. Maybe the most interesting thing is that like a solid portion of my family on like my grandma's side lived in Nova Scotia for a very, very long time. So I never really thought that I had a relationship to Canada. I feel like when I was growing up, my mom was like, you're English, Irish on my side, and on your dad's side, you're Austrian and Russian. And I'm like, all right, that makes sense. And it is mostly true, but it's kind of interesting because with this thing,

you can see like your 10th great grandfather's name and where they came from. I mean, on my dad's side, he doesn't know the name of his father's grandparents. So that limb of my tree is dead. I can't get any further back it has rotted down to the branches dried off and crumpled does that mean other people in your distant family have done this and you're seeing their data as well yeah there's like some people that i i can see

like oh my my straight up cousin navua did this and i'm like, and I can tap into her tree. Like she might've spent like hours on this thing, but I just get to, I get, I just get to cheat. I'm like, oh yeah. My grandma's grandma that I can link that.

And I get that. I have access to that entire tree branch now. Got it. So, cause like, I mean, once you go far enough back, like there's,

I don't know. It's, the branches are so vast. Yeah, that like you can just tap into another network and like, I find out like the maiden name of my great great grandmother. And then it's like potential father, potential mother like up, and then you can kind of link that. It's interesting. I see, I see. So then does it tell you like, all right, this person might be a distant cousin of yours and they live in New York City,

or is that like a privacy issue? I guess they might tell you that. I've only been dicking around on it for like 48 hours, but I'm kind of super into it. We'll check back later. And how did you get into it i have no idea i i think like every once in a while i like i guess something i like doing is like asking about like old i like seeing like old photo albums i like um finding out addresses like my i think my grandma wrote like a a book like a fake little book in like third grade about where she was growing up it was like one of her school books and it had her address in it and on one of my cross-country

drives i like found the address and i found her old house so i like like family history stuff like that um and this was like an extension of that i guess driven by uh boredom of being in lockdown is jill part of it like is your married family part of the tree or is that you don't get access to that um well jill could make an account i could i think i could maybe do that i not entirely sure. I've only been looking at like where my ancestors came from though. But in theory, like, yeah, like if Jill and I have a child,

then like our two branches link. Wow. And then she. That's almost reason enough. Yeah. She's part all of these other people. It's crazy though. It is really, it's wild.

Have you done 23andMe? I have done 23andMe. Is this sort of related to that? Yeah. But you know, 23andMe is like, you are Scottish. But like now I straight up because of these like birth records and stuff, like I know where in Scotland and Ireland, my ancestors were from.

Have you fact checked the two to see like, oh wait, 23andMe said I was 40% Irish. And this ancestry says I'm like barely Irish at all. Actually I haven't, but so far it's definitely seemingly confirmed what I saw in 23andMe and what anybody could kind of assume just by looking at me which was half jewish half not yeah english irish scottish some kind of uk

mixed with some kind of um i guess what is that like like, broadly European Jew type thing? Eastern European Jew guy? Eastern European. Yeah. Like, I knew I was Austrian, but this thing says that the town that my, like, ancestors left from is now part of Poland. So, it's not like, I don't know. It's kind of interesting. It's kind of interesting to me and not interesting at all to anyone else but that's why i recommend it because you can find it out about you which is good i also saw that wait sorry one last thing

one last thing i my great-grandfather spelled his last name horowitz as recently as like 1920 or something like that like filled out the census and wrote Horowitz. And then- Horowitz. Yeah, H-O-R-O. And it's just not that. What do you think? You think your life would be that much different if you're a Jake Horowitz versus a Hurwitz? I think so. I think it'd be super different.

I wonder if you're related to Dan Gurwitch, which is like probably another bastardization of Horowitz. That's actually when I started at college humor my dad asked me to ask dan something about his like grandfather or something i forget we found out we were not related but it is like this i think that's essentially what it was gordovich yeah it's all from like the same part of eastern europe and then like mistranslated i was gonna ask is anybody else in your family interested in these results you say it's only interesting to you, are you telling your mom and dad about it? I think my mom and dad seem interested. But I'm on like a text thread with my family. And I like mentioned some stuff and people said it was cool. So I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think

so. I think I think it's really interesting. It's fascinating to me. No one else. That's why I recommend it. You can find out something about yourself, maybe. Ancestry.com. I feel like that's been around since the 90s, that website. Yeah, definitely. I think it's definitely not sleek. I wonder, there's a chance that there's a better one out there. I think I clicked it from a New York Times ad or something.

Yeah, it's like classmates.com. What is that one? It's like, find out where the guy you went to high school with is now. Yes, it's exactly that. Old banner ads from the early internet. All right, solid tip. I don't think I'm going to do it, but I would totally want one of my brothers to do it.

Do you think that there's records that go back far for your family? I don't know, because it's very non-American. Like, none of us were born in America, so I don't know if that hurts my chances of having records. I think it does. It seems, I mean, that's like, on my dad's side, there was like, obviously, they were in some shit in Poland in like the 1900s. And there's no records. They just, they don't exist. And then on my mom's side, it's like going back to like the 1500s.

Yeah. It's like if you came here on the Mayflower, we have everything nice and organized for you. And if you moved here in the last 30 years good luck it's definitely a privileged thing to know where your ancestors came from but it's it's interesting if you can do it didn't you say one of your relatives fought in the civil war uh yes i think they did wow uh i think multiple did. Jesus. So, part of your family's been in America for that long? Yeah, I mean, there were people that came to America on my grandma's side and like, and on my grandfather's side.

People on my mom's side basically came here in like the 1600s. Jesus Christ. They were pilgrims. I mean, at a certain point, it doesn't really matter. Like, I'm at my 13th great-grandfather in Glasgow, but still kind of cool. Let's do a quick search for when did pilgrims come to America. 1620 is when the Mayflower arrived. Okay, 1620 is when the Mayflower, and I'll go back to my furthest ancestor that I could find.

He's from England. He looks like Zac Efron. This guy's really hot, actually. He has acid-washed jeans and an eight-pack. This was in the 1700s? And he can sing. He has an eyebrow piercing. This dude straight up was a pilgrim.

George Henry Fay. That's my ancestor that left Hampshire, England and came to... New Hampshire, New England. He left Hampshire, England and he died in Essex, Massachusetts in 1655. Wow. Yeah, that's some pilgrim shit right there. That's some pilgrim shit. George Henry Fay. pilgrim shit right there that's some pilgrim shit george henry fay uh all right why don't we call this guy who just wrote into our podcast george henry fay don't desecrate my 13th great grandfather

with this this guy who's trying to fap while his parents are home or something i don't i won't have it no this guy's kind of a modern-day pilgrim in a way. So he says, George writes, here's the sitch, I'm 21 and on a three-year dry spell. That wouldn't happen to George Henry. He was a proud pilgrim, an explorer, an adventurer, a family man. He does not have the highest self-confidence, and he's rather shy and awkward in social situations. However, when I'm drunk, I'm a smooth man.

I had a girl over at my place at a party recently, but after I have not been able to continue anything with her while sober. Should I just become an alcoholic? I signed up for an improv class to try to break out of my shell, looking for any ideas on how to better my game. Have you guys always been funny and confident or did you have shy years and struggle around new people and oh yeah i just got on this podcast and i'm on episode 97 with thomas middleditch good stuff dope thank you man he's

gonna have a lot of episodes to listen to before he finds out if we answered the question yeah so should he become an alcoholic i mean there's something to that if you're never confident and only confident when you're drunk if you're always drunk like what's the downside to that um well you could ask uh john george fey my great great great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather, who actually was an alcoholic and died an early death. Okay? Lost his wife, Mrs. Lucy Fay, in 1645. They know that.

That's real. When he got divorced, how he died. They say his last words here on Ancestry.com. I'm a little bitch boy. Wow. Oh my God. Don't take the path. Yeah.

I guess that's a public record. I think one thing that I would say is that you might think you're smooth when you're drunk. You might think you're smoother than you are when you're drunk. Being drunk gives you a little bit of confidence. But remember also when you're drunk, people around you are drunk. So it just kind of... Hopefully. It's not just about you like being like, I'm a better version of myself when i'm drunk it's like oh no like everything's just a little easier and looser when when people are drunk when there's drinking involved so i don't i don't know if that like helps that much but just don't don't think of

alcohol as like this thing that fixes you yeah and would you say you have more confidence or you're funnier when you're drunk or has that translated oh me yeah i'm the man when i'm drunk and the drunker i get the cooler i get one time i was so trashed that i fell asleep on the floor of a frat house and everyone was like he's the man i think i was passed out so i remember yeah and everyone else was sober because this was a tuesday during finals week that's right who's that confident ass guy who's so funny confidence is attractive confidence is what you want you but i don't think that being drunk gives me confidence i think confidence is something that's there anyway and i'll maybe just lowers your inhibitions a little bit more.

Yeah. I don't think I was confident. I remember having to strike up the nerve to start a conversation with somebody in a social setting, because I always felt like everything you do sounds cheesy in some way. way so it's like you don't want to come up be like hey how are you doing what's your name where are you from etc i don't i never want it to be like predatory yeah i feel like there's different versions of confidence where like the confidence that i'm thinking about is just like uh standing, having a good time. And if you get introduced to somebody being like, I don't know, knowing all the words to say, shaking a hand, not being shy and timid like in the moment.

But like being able to go up and talk to somebody like, oh, yeah, I'll go talk to that group of people. Hey, everybody, how's it going? Like that's that confidence like borders on insane to me i've i feel like you and i have been in situations where like we want to talk to people at a bar and we just sort of like sit there and talk about how we're going to do it and if we can do it never ever end up doing it right like trying to like muster up the courage and confidence to approach a group of people we don't know. But I think that's a nice way to be like too shy to talk to somebody, but if they talk to you,

you can hold your own in a conversation. That's the, that's the level. That's the sweet spot. Yeah. Also it, it comes like age is such an important factor. Like if you're with someone who's,

if you're in a group of people, or if you see a group of people that are younger than you, you feel like, oh, I have the confidence right now because those guys are 29, I'm 37 now, I can talk to them, what's the big deal? But when you are 25, you're not seeing a lot of 12-year-olds at a bar, so you never feel the confidence.

If you are, you're at the wrong bar. Age difference. But you got that old man confidence that's what you want that's what that's why you want you want to go out and dockers that's why old people drive so insanely like imagine having the confidence of an 89 year old you're just fucking backing out of a drive you're like i don't give a shit i'm fucking 89 you're 40 that's like the equivalent of me like being nervous to talk to a toddler right now i'm never nervous to fucking approach a two-year-old i'm like hey nice to meet you put her there buddy because like yeah i'm just like i want to fucking talk to this

person mano y mano what's your name douglas or some shit they can they can barely talk i don't think i think they're like just learning words they can barely talk. I don't think they're just learning words. They can't talk politics. And they're shy, you know? They're hugging the mom's leg. Why is this 37-year-old approaching me? I just want to fist bump the little guy. What's his name?

Something like that. If I'm trying to strike up a conversation with the mom or whatever. Are you trying to strike up a conversation? I feel like I'm on trial here. You are. This is the people versus Amir Blumenfeld. the mom or whatever are you trying to take up a conversation i feel like i'm on trial here you are this is the people versus amir blumenfeld oh my god i'm sorry for fucking fist bumping you annoyed a baby sir i wanted to give him a high five sorry about that i thought it was a cute thing to do and suddenly i'm nervous now i'm nervous because the judge is older i thought you were confident i am or i was

i'm wasted and it's monday morning 9 30 a.m i don't have the fucking confidence to talk to my lawyer you know i do feel like a 53 year old i feel like this guy i feel like this guy an improv class might help him be confident because improv is all about like adapting and yes handing and communicating with people and i think a lot of confidence around approaching people comes to like, what am I going to say? So that could help. But you don't have to be drunk all the time. That's dangerous. Definitely.

And there's cute ways to be shy and quiet and stoic, you know? Yeah. Like if you're that cool guy at the bar and you have a fucking book in your back pocket. Why is that guy there reading at the bar? Oh, sorry, it's just fucking Grapes of Wrath. I haven't dug into this one since high school. Yeah, it's annotated and shit. It's a dog-eared copy of my Steinbeck novel.

Your Steinbeck novel? I borrowed it from the library, and it's mine. You'll have to return that, by the way. Excuse me one second. I ordered jalapeno poppers 20 minutes ago, and I'm just wondering where they are. The cover's coming off your book. You can't return it in this condition.

You'll have to buy it. Well, I can't afford the poppers and the book. I don't even have a library card. I came here to this bar to eat a snack. Oh, these are really spicy. Penthouse falls out from behind the book. Fuck. I was going to squeeze one out, and now I'm all fucking spiced out.

Do you have ranch? I'm just trying to enjoy my copy of Steinbeck. Do you have ranch for these poppers? The sauce is so fucking room temp. I really need a refrigerated ranch to go with my Steinbeck. I chipped my tooth on this glass. And I cut my tongue on a toothpick with the poppers. You don't need a toothpick and the poppers.

They're going to fuck. They have structural integrity. Jesus Christ. All right. So I guess that's how you get confidence. Yeah. Grow older. Grow older.

Get funnier. Go to the improv class. Good for you. Be older, funnier, smarter, and holier than thou. And after you're all those things, you won't need another drop of alcohol for as long as you live. Good man. Have you been wasted recently? Like, do you still get wasted now that nobody can go anywhere?

I did get kind of drunk. I mean, I've definitely been trashed in quarantine times but not like not like i used to where like we would we could like go out to a bar and i'd like get like vodka red bull and you know like be like wild and crazy drugs it's more like oh man i i forgot i like didn't eat a big enough dinner and i haven't drank in a long time and i had two whiskeys on a zoom and now i feel like kind of sloppy like that that's happened yeah not fun i'm not fun party drunk but there was one night where we went where i went on like a walk with somebody and got like one of those to-go cocktails and they filled it to the top with whiskey and i got kind of drunk and that was fun if they're doing that in la i

haven't seen like what you're gonna take an uber to a bar and get it to go whiskey i don't think that happens out here yeah it's very different it's not a walk-in city like new york no or maybe it's happening i just i'm just uh not invited i guess um that's fine whatever i don't need friends not really you don't need them that's good you don't need them you don't have any but that's well i want them i want them is all but i don't have them no i just think what i want is you made peace with not having friends that's really awesome yeah you don't need them you don't have them you'll never get them so that's that's good that's that you're not fine with that no i'm not yeah i'm not at peace.

I'm at war with not having friends. And I'm waving the white flag. I'm like surrendering. I'm like, all right, end this fucking battle. I want a buddy. Yeah. Well, you're sort of mean-spirited. Well, I'm what?

You're mean-spirited and dumb. Yeah, you're angry right now and you misheard me. I'm seething, but I'm smiling through it. I'm grinning and daring it. You're crying a little bit i'm upset there you go i i accidentally bit my tongue yes and i i ate something a little spicy and it's getting into the fucking bloodstream and i don't know if i can have any milk to alleviate it this is you at the bar with the steinbeck novel again uh all right thanks for writing in your questions your theme songs This is you at the bar with the Steinbeck novel again. All right. Thanks for writing in your questions, your theme songs.

Keep sending them to ifireashow at gmail.com. Yes, please. The opening song was Your Song, which I think is another one of those songs that doesn't have the words in the song itself. What's that? Wait, say that again? The song is called Your Song,

which doesn't come up in the actual song, the lyrics. Right. Oh, yeah. And this The song is called Your Song, which doesn't come up in the actual song, the lyrics. Right. Oh, yeah. And this closing one is the same deal. It's based on a song we talked about that episode called Old Friends. Oh, no, Bookends. Old Friends, they do say. They do say Bookends, too.

All right, never mind on any of that stuff. But this is a Simon and Garfunkel parody. Well, then that's great. And he would want to shout out his podcast, First Date, Worst worst date for he is very proud of it so thanks to brian e morton for writing this theme song for us hell yeah thank you dude uh and for more of us on a podcast you can listen to the head gum podcast new episodes every friday loving this week's episode and uh more of us on video on patreon.com slash J-A.

Ja. We'll be back, of course, next week, as always. And thanks for listening. See ya, everybody. Later. Old friends Old friends

Started a podcast like dicklings Send in your questions with luck You'll have them answered By the pinch and A chipmunk Time it was, and what a time it was A time of loneliness A time of viruses Of Zoom conferences

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