Segments - 443: I THINK (w/Ben Schwartz!)

Episode Date: July 13, 2020

In this episode Ben calls Amir and accidentally joins the show! We discuss our friendship, our mental health, and our fake names.For more podcasts with us on it, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on THE HEADGUM NETWORK.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay. Let's hear it. 091-3662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. I lost my job, got kicked to the curb.

Now I'm dreaming about someone's girl. Everything I say is true. If I were you. That's nice. Yeah. I feel like that could be a song outside the podcast. It wouldn't make a ton of sense, but it could work, you know? It was 30 seconds long. How could that work as a song outside the podcast?

As an intro to a song. As an intro to a song. I'm just saying it doesn't need it doesn't need us for content for context is all an intro to a song fuck off just introduce the show say who did it okay i've never heard of that like to think of like this is that's not the song it's just the intro to the song it's like a skit the song has an intro it has a bridge it has a riff it has the chord There's different terminology for music. But like to sing during the intro and then it like introduces a new song.

It's the intro. Yeah. The intro to the verse. To the hook. Okay. Yeah. Oh, I see this. You wrote this song.

You performed it. So you're just mad that I didn't. And I feel like it could exist without the podcast. I know. Yeah. Hey, it's Jake. I feel like it should exist without the podcast yeah hey it's jake i feel like it should exist without the podcast can you let people know that this would be a good intro to a regular song and then sort of drop the ball that i wrote it and then have people be like floored i can't get you're not

supposed to read that email verbatim yeah obviously i really think this could be the start of a burgeoning music career lol unless you unless you don't think so, then it won't be that good. But do you think this could be the intro? Don't read the PS. Oh my God, PS. Okay, you can read the whole email. Don't read the PS. Five minutes later, PPS. I really think that this could be the intro to a song.

You know how there's like an intro, a bridge, yeah, and then like the verse. So I think this could be an intro to a song. It's obviously a little redundant. It's obviously a little redundant. Hearing it back, it sounds weird. A new email at 6 11 a.m eastern time it seems like you set an alarm to send this one hey still haven't heard back you sent the previous one while i was asleep so i didn't respond hey didn't hear back do you think that this gave the intro of the song don't read the ps on this one i know i wrote a p.s here yes i think this could really

really really be i don't want to jinx it but an intro to a song i asked you not to read it uh actually that song was written by a canadian oh yeah wow yeah hope to see you guys in my shithole town that's right you guessed it windsor ontario okay let's see where windsor ontario is that was written by alexander stoikos stoikoski you would think it would be written by like burt williams from alabama but no it's actually written by alexander in windsor ontario so thanks alexander windsor ontario it's such it's no what no that's can't be right Windsor no this can't be this is my childhood house well just like where it is on the map it's south of Detroit you know you don't really think of that oh interesting oh yeah that's there's that's the town that's like across the

lake like people from Detroit used to go to Windsor to like gamble in their Canadian casinos but the fact that it's south of Detroit is weird. Yeah. It's weird that there are parts of Canada that are south of parts of America. Yeah. That'll fuck your brain up. I'm sure this has come up before, but one of my favorite geographical facts is that Reno, Nevada is further west than LA because of the way California sort of bends east.

That is very interesting. That's a good fact. Yeah, it's not true, but isn't that kind of interesting to be like, huh, a part of Reno, Nevada is further west than LA. That would be interesting. And like Spokane, Washington is actually, it's north of Alaska, geographically speaking. As long as you don't have to tell the truth about stuff.

Right. If you're holding... Florida is an island. If you're holding the globe upside down, anything could be north, south, east, west, the other place. It's all, it doesn't matter. Yeah. Did you know that Spain doesn't exist? It's just a city in France where they speak Spanish.

So that's kind of interesting. Oh, very cool. Yeah. Very cool. Did you know that Alaska starts with an L? Now we're just doing spelling ones. Did you know that Alaska starts with an L? Now we're just doing spelling ones. Did you know that I'm 4'11 and I have green teeth? We're just playing make-believe.

No, I really do have green teeth. Look at that. You do? Wow. Holy shit. Wow, you just moved to the side of your microphone and that is fucked up. I told you I have swamp mouth, so I have a little ecosystem, a fern gully of sorts growing on my tongue and on the back of my teeth and i have uh cotton ass i have anal jaundice so my asshole is yellow arid and yellow as a desert

would you if i gave you ten thousand,000, would you have? Yes, absolutely. Yes. Hell yeah. Fucking five figures. Yeah. I haven't told you what it is yet. Okay. Yeah. I would do it. Like, you know, when you're, sometimes you're like in a lake or a river and you like your

feet touch the rock and it's like really mossy and slick down there. It's like algae or something. Yeah. I'd gouge my eyes out. Yeah. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. I didn't say that. What I'm suggesting is a lot less severe than gouging your eyes out.

Jesus Christ, how'd you get there? I was talking about algae. I thought we were talking about 10 grand. Yeah, no, I was talking about, never mind. But I was going to say, would you have algae on the inside of your teeth for a month for $10,000? Oh, God. Now you're turning around, but you're ready to fucking stab yourself in the eye for 15. like the inside of your teeth for a month for $10,000. Oh, God. Now you're turning around,

but you're ready to fucking stab yourself in the eye for 15. Yeah, I was ready to punch a fucking nail file through my gums. What? That'd be a fun podcast where you just like go on and you describe the most painful thing that you think that you could imagine. Yeah, and then you will do like would you rather so hard to pay yeah you have to pay to like say yeah i would do that and then as soon as they do that we'll have somebody like barge into their house and fucking do it you're like yeah you'll do the fucking nail file get them boys and we'll arrange with the next

of kin or something like access to the apartment or house next of kin so you know so you know the people like the people will die on a certain point like some of the stuff's gonna be pretty fucked up yeah so like the nail file my head off for 11 11 dollars all right and then we do it and we have we have a recording of them allowing access and once we have access that's all you need to do this shit you can i can beg you like i can beg you to punch me and if you did it and we have a contract written out you can do it without like me suing you right um i guess it is yeah i yeah yeah a verbal contract no notarized written uh consent oh yeah okay yeah yeah are you are didn't aren't you a notary didn't you get notarized yeah i've been

going to notary school um every night for the past eight weeks now and i'm officially yeah i'm a notary public which is kind of cool that'd be the coolest thing you could fucking do in covid you know you're like you come out you're like oh yeah like i learned to make my own bread like oh yeah i started like uh doing crochet projects. Like, yeah, well, I'm a fucking notary. How's that? I could fucking notarize your shit. That seems like.

I have a stamp. Okay. I have stationery. And now I'm a fucking notary. What is a notary specifically? Just like a legal person that can say that somebody signed something. That seems like the first job in America. Why is it still a thing? I don't know. It's like a legal witness, right?

Like, I saw this guy sign it. Like, I watched it. And it can't just be any guy. You need to be officially qualified to be a guy that watched it. How do you become a notary? Let me fucking find out. I'm going to open a new tab because the last one was Where's Windsor, Ontario.

I bet it's like a, I bet it's a government scam type thing where it's like, yeah, you have to pay $2,500 for this online course. And the course doesn't really teach you anything. Cause all you really have to do is stamp something after someone signs something, but then they take that cash and then they use it.

Cart Blanche, however they see fit. And that's the problem. All that notary money belongs to me there's an exam you have to take a notary exam really shit give me a fucking sample you don't even know what's oh my god you have to learn notary law and it's seven it's a pdf that's 17 pages long jesus page one is just looking at someone signing something for dummies um oh wait at the bottom you can just click accept yeah so i have read and understand the rules of becoming a notary

and i'm a fucking i've been notaried really yeah you're a notary i'm a notary that was it i wonder if i get like i feel like i should get a um like a an esquire or a doctor or some kind of like signifier in in my you know like instead of mr i'd be like noter what you mean noter herwitz fine have at it use it go for it. Go for it. Don't take it fucking just. Alright, well I don't want that to stick actually. It's too late. Hey guys, get a load of Noder over here. Hey Node. I'll pivot back to being a musician. I really think I can do the intro of a song. Yeah, I know you think that. Alright, this is an advice podcast after all. If I Were You, the only advice

podcast on the web that I host with Jake. And I host with Amir. There's a lot of imitation advice podcasts, but none that we specifically host with each other. There was that one you tried to start a few years ago, which was kind of weird. You tried to start a podcast without me. Really? Which one? It was like the Jake and Perwitz Advice Hour, which I thought was pretty fucked up, actually.

People should subscribe to that one, actually. I think I'll unearth that guy. My solo act. Where I kind of just do notarized songs. Yeah, no wonder it didn't go off. That sounds awful. Hold on a second. We have a special guest.

Ready? Please welcome to the podcast, Ben! Yeah, Ben, you're on with Jake and Amir. Oh, my God. Hey, is this a podcast? I just need to talk to Amir for a second, but are we on an actual, what are we on? We're on, yeah, you're on if I were you. Okay, let's take some questions, baby. What's the first one? Yeah, we haven't really started it. You said you wanted to ask me something. So I actually think I thought of a great idea for something. And I was gonna, I was gonna tell you about it. This is not a J. Wouldn't understand it. It's too above his head. So I wanted to talk about it's a smart, it's a smart person idea. I wanted to talk to you about it. And then I might attack it today if it makes sense What's the idea? An idea you can attack today I've already started the wheels I started because this is what happens

When Amir doesn't pick up, I pick someone else to talk to about it You know what I mean? Is it me? No, you're down Smart person I think I thought of a great idea I think it could be a podcast type thing I think I'm going to start it today.

Jesus. Is it like, is it related to content like streaming video, recording audio? Is it related to content? Tell your grandma to get off the goddamn fucking, to get off the fucking. Is this in the world of advertising or data management?

Jakey. I love you, Jakey. I love you, man. I miss you. Haven't talked to you in a bit we're sort of talking about

we're about to answer some questions I have a question is that alright if I ask you a question sure fire away what are you doing man what have you been spending your time with Jake we should you are doing it I don't know if I can get rid of Amir

because I'm not the host get rid of i can get it doesn't have to get okay good we muted him hey so what are you what are you doing by the way is everything good yeah things i mean everything sucks but i'm hanging in there everything's fine you look good are you are you walking quite a bit and working out and stuff like that or no uh yeah you know i'm i've been doing a lot of biking that's my that's been my quarantine activity. With a mask on? Yeah, wear the mask. You got to wear the mask. Wow.

I know I want them. Thank goodness you are. I'm just saying, isn't that, that's, how much are you biking? Where are you? What city are you in right now? I'm in New York City right now. So I'm biking maybe like 10, 15 miles a day. Doesn't it feel like we can finally talk?

Yeah, it's really nice to catch up. What are you up to? All you have to do is literally get rid of him. That's all you have to do. It's so convenient. I'm all right have to do it's so convenient um i'm all right i'm writing i'm getting in my head a bit because i'm writing oh he got back he's back here sorry um uh sorry amir good to see you buddy hey uh i was muted but i could hear everything you said about the uh how you wish you could talk to jake more and how all he had to do is get rid of me he said and you both look all right hey so you know that amir dispute linked to the past is that the link to the past

uh no i mean that's really i think that's good right that's impressive how and it took you it didn't take you that long um and you guys not talking when it's not work stuff now because you live so far away from each other yeah we only talk about other video games yeah so i beat um i beat this game for children and it took me probably what do you think ben two months 40 hours 45 hours 45 hours something like that and a lot of help right like a lot of ben ben coached you through uh a large i mean there were certain parts where i wouldn't be able to figure it out so ben was able to this is a game save in and save the day. Yeah. Kind of like, not unlike Link, the character. Isn't the character's name Link, right?

So you kind of saved the day. Well, in your game, his name was Amir. You know what I mean? Oh, that's right. Yeah, Link's name was Amir. He changed Link's name to Amir. Why? Because he's a child.

Was he like... Yeah, the object is to get acorns in the game, and so obviously the best person to do that would be Amir. Right, so you're just like squirreling away acorns for the winter? And then how do you win? Do you survive the winter on your stash? The whole thing is you've got to survive 45 hours straight in your own

bunker that you've made via acorns. As long as you have nuts, yeah. And that's awesome because Amir, I don't know if the character had any resemblance to you, but like the big chipmunk cheeks to store your nuts and a bushy tail to keep the form in winter. He has a sword. He has a shield.

You guys are a professional business, right? Yeah. So if so, why don't you get the professional Zoom? You're on the free 40-minute trial Zoom right now. Thanks for asking, Ben. I actually have the pro Zoom. I'm a paying member of Zoom. But this is 40 minutes remaining. So what do we

do after 40 minutes? Do we just stop recording? I've been going for 35. So it says three minutes and 20 seconds remaining. So what do you guys do? You just end the podcast or you start a new one? Yeah. We'll have to call it there and then probably start a new zoom meeting. Ideally, the one that Jake has since he has the professional pro business Zoom account. Yeah. I'm a notary, so I have one. Oh, are you a notary? I haven't.

I'm not a notary yet, but I'm thinking about becoming a notary. How's the Far More Popular Dungeons & Dragons podcast going? Well, you don't have to say specifically Far More Popular, but you can ask him about the Dungeons & Dragons podcast for sure. How is NatBud doing? Let's take the question again. I'll cut out the first version. It's not that much bigger.

I think it's only about four or five times as big as this show. Ben, let's go. I don't want to get too far down the path. Ben, can you take that question again without saying the... That's so huge, by the way. Yeah, it's really...

It's a question clean because I'm afraid I might be able to cut it out. I bet you get money for ads. I bet you get real money for ads. Oh, yeah, we get paid. And it's incredibly... It's also really fun and rewarding is the other thing. Yeah, because you're playing towards something. Ben, can you ask that question again?

I don't want to get too far down this path. Podcasting with friends. What do you possibly have to say to Amir that you haven't said in a thousand short films? Let's get the question. Yeah, let's get that question clean. If anything, he's gotten older and sadder. You know what I mean? I'll see if I can do that.

Is it possible to mute this guy again? Yeah, sorry. Is Amir on or can someone mute him if possible? There we go. And he's muted. I love that. That's awesome. I hate when he just talks so much. Can I tell you what the problem is with Amir, if I'm going to be honest? It's a laundry list of things and it starts and ends with the same

thing. What's that? Love. He didn't get enough of it as a child didn't get enough doesn't know how to give it yeah and i'm here to tell you we have to help him love really yeah because look jake i love you i love you too i think you're great i i talked to you far less than i talked to amir and i already know that i love you more than yeah i'm back uh i heard the stuff about me that's incapable so say i love you to either one of us, Amir. Just do it quick.

I would, but honestly, my Zoom's about to run out. It says less than a minute left, so we're going to have to stop the first half right here. We'll thank some sponsors, come back on the second half. Maybe Ben will be here. Maybe he'll be so fed up. Sponsors, are they like really weird? Is it like Matthews?

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Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions,

they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content,

product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality.

Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code segments to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments. You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Ben, do you have any...

Well, I have a question, if that's okay, to throw a question. Yeah, that works. Is that fine, Jakey, or no? Yeah, it's fine with me. Amir seems miffed by it, but I'm okay with it. Was there ever a time when you were starting with Amir for Jake and Amir where you're like, eh, maybe someone else? Yeah.

For what? Be honest, by the way. Be honest. Totally honest. This is a question for who? Sorry, it's for me. I feel like those questions... Amir, please. Amir, stop.

Those questions for me, like, is this the right guy? Do I want to be working on projects with him? They came up more in the middle. They come up more now. I don't remember you ever bringing that up. Sorry, Amir. I'm saying if that came up.

It's a podcast where people talk. We're just chatting, Amir. I don't think everything's a podcast. I'm saying if that came up, I definitely, it's a podcast where people talk. So just chatting Amir. We're just chatting. I don't think everything's so personally. Amir, you're deep throating the microphone. I'm fine. Are you done?

Is that the question? Oh, he wanted to fucking replace me. Yeah. Stop it. I didn't say he wants to. I said, did he ever think about it?

I'm just saying, do you have doubts? Sure. Do you have doubts? But at the end of the day, do you feel like, am I glad with where I, am I happy where I am? Do I feel like I did the right thing? No, I don't. Do I think I chose the right guy to definitely like to take my career on? Of course not. But like, you know, knowing all that stuff, am I still,

am I still happy in my life outside of that? And the answer is no, no, he's ruined my life. You can't be ruined. It rots from the core. Um, so it's like,

no, it is. It's like in the beat. Sorry, Mir. It's like at the beginning when I was going to say, do one to me. It's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like how you, it's like at the beginning, how you, um, you have to put training wheels on a bike in order to ride the bike.

Right. And then, you know, after literally – I felt like we were on a tandem bike together. Sorry, buddy. And then after like three or four times on that bike, you no longer – you throw away those wheels. And honestly, you throw them away. You don't keep them for anybody else because they're garbage. That's right.

Yeah. We didn't move the wheels. We were riding together. They taught you how to ride. And in my – what I think, and tell me if I'm wrong, is that Amir was there as training wheels at the beginning. And then the wrench somehow doesn't fit the nut anymore. And you can't loosen it and get it off.

I want to ride. I want to be free. I know, man. I want to ride into the sunset and never think about this fucking asshole again in my entire life. I thought that you could have been, I thought, and I'm saying this in the past sense, because he's ruined your professional career. I thought that you could have been a great director. I thought that you could have been a great writer. and I'm saying this in the past sense, cause he's ruined your professional career. I thought that you could have been a great director. I thought that you could have been great,

right? Me, you and Amir wrote a movie together. What could have been, what could have been, man, can you imagine if his name wasn't on the cover sheet? I think that really,

I'm sorry. It could still be. I mean, I can't get it worded. Every time I talk, Ben goes, I need to go off the conversation i think he really held us back i think having his name i think having him attached to the project really held us back that's all i wanted to say i think so too i literally can't say something but you

can't yeah you cannot tell me this i can hear it i'm in the fucking i'm in the zoom i won't say a fucking word man i'm not gonna name the prussian company but but I gave it to Amlin, Steven Spielberg's Prussian company. Wow. And when I did it, all I did is I crossed out Amir's name. Delete it. Don't cross it out. No joke. Steven Spielberg picked up the phone and called me.

Yes. Wow. Steven Spielberg called me. Do you want to know what he said? I bet it had nothing to do with it. I'm about to hear what Steven Spielberg said to Ben on the phone. Thank you. Sorry.

Yeah, it's insane that you want to talk right now. He said, first of all, I bet you're going to say that it's because I crossed my mind. Pretend you're me and I'm going to be Steven. Ring, ring, ring. Hey, this is Ben Schwartz here. Hey, what's going on, Ben? Steven Spielberg.

Oh, my goodness. Mr. Spielberg, what a thrill. Thank you so much. What a thrill. For me, it's the thrill, Ben. For me, it's going on, Ben? Steven Spielberg. Oh my goodness. Mr. Spielberg. What a thrill. Thank you so much. What a thrill. For me, it's the thrill, Ben. For me, it's the absolute thrill. That means you read the script. I read the script.

I have to say, I have so few things to add because it's the Mona Lisa. Thank you. Wow. Thank you. The first thing I would want to say say is it just kind of drew me a little bit not somebody's name was crossed out in the front um and i couldn't see i'm here blumenfeld and it doesn't matter it doesn't matter because i love the script so much it doesn't matter we're gonna make this i'm directing this it's a it's i know you guys wrote a five million

dollar movie but we can make for a hundred what an amazing what what amazing news thank you mr spielberg i gotta know what that name is because it's bothering me it's like what i'm sure as long as as long as we know we're already making the movie i have i faxed over uh the documents okay so all all you have to do i'll just have to press the send button and they'll come over to you and we'll set this thing up wow send it said uh ben schwartz and big caps uh jay herwitz big cats by the way haven't heard of this jay kerwitz guy but he feels like he could fly he feels like do you think he could direct do you think he could be a director like you mr only only if i get to produce part of

only if i get to produce his films okay the other guy doesn't mean it doesn't matter he doesn't mean anything his name was amir blumenfeld but he was really sorry his name is amir blumenfeld that's what his name is say that say that you told me what was that sorry amir blumenfeld but he's no longer associated with the project amir blumenfeld amir blumenfeld from the jewish balloon felt yes what he knew my family no fucking there's no way that i'm sorry yes father is a doctor yes and ob gn yes that's correct i don't believe this i don't believe that this happened anymore there's no way he knew my dad and he what

now he's bummed about it i'm so sorry i have to go what god dude tell me you fucking i can't believe that really happened well you ever see the video um i guess it's a Stoney remix of yams. This is Spielberg saying that. Now I got to eat them. Now I got to eat them. Eat the yams. Hearing his voice over and over again in rhythmic tones made me so averse to doing anything with anybody, anybody like Amir Blumenthal. This is still Spielberg.

Let alone the Amir Blumenthal. This is still Spielberg. Let alone the Amir Blumenfeld. He watched the Yams video. By the way, if he's turned off, that means my performance was good. Do me a favor. You keep writing, and you tell that Jake fellow to keep writing, but if you want to get anywhere,

anywhere in this business, you got to lose the training wheels, my man. He used the fucking same metaphor that you're using. Thank you. Let me finish role-playing as Ben. Thank you for the advice, Mr. Spielberg. It's been an honor to chat with you. And you've had, what a huge run you've had

through this whole thing. I saw Sonic the other day and I saw the three minutes of short specials and then Billy Crystal standing up falling down. I cannot wait to work with you. I cannot wait to work with you. It's just, you got to throw out the trash when it's Friday. I've had an incredible career because I'm an incredible talent,

Mr. Spielberg. And I look forward to someday working with you because I'm a, I'm a great actor and a great writer and a, and a great guy. Ciao for now. I feel better knowing you. Ciao for now.

I'll talk to you soon. All right. Ciao for now. If you and Jake, if you and Jake write another script, it doesn't even matter what it is I'm in. Amazing. Thank you, Stephen.

Okay. Talk to you soon. We have to get rid of the training wheels. I think that's what it is, Jake, right? Wow. Sorry, did that... I feel like that role play opened my eyes a little bit. Word for word.

I just read the transcript, my man. And Jake knew it? Jake knew your side? He sent it to me. An email that you fucking idiot? No, not an email. I didn't get that email. Was it to the Meatball Boys?

We do have a text chain that used to be called the Meatball Boys. Yeah, where are you guys? What is it? I left it. Jake and I started a new one called Best Friends. Now I gotta eat it. Now I gotta eat the ants.

Eat the ants. Nice. Stony remix, baby. Yeah, I like that. So do you have any unsolicited advice or stuff that you've learned or taught or figured out? Don't you have to unsolicited advice or like stuff that you've learned or taught or figured out? Don't you have to ask a question and then we figure it out?

Yeah, we can do that too. All right. All right. Ready for this question. Finally going to get it. Yeah. Let's get to a question. Why not?

Exciting. Ben's never, never let us answer, ask a question. So this is pretty cool. Well, can I ask you a question before we start? Of course. Yeah. Have you felt healthy? How are you feeling recently?

I feel super healthy. Yeah, I feel healthy. Are you losing your mind a bit yet? Yeah. Oh, mentally, I feel unhealthy. Have you been sleeping? How's your sleeping patterns been? Sleeping's fine, actually.

Really, Amish uh sleeping pretty good i keep drifting later and later and later so i'm trying to like be in bed by midnight but some night that's not always up at like are you always up at like 8 a.m yeah he's up yeah i'm usually i usually wake up around eight then what's your then what's your bedtime i do wake up earlier. I go to sleep at like 11 something and I usually wake up at seven something, but I've been sleeping so poorly lately. I'll have a great day and then I'll have a terrible day. Ups and downs. Ups and downs.

Ups and doonsons. All right. We got a question from somebody who was asked to photograph a wedding. Does the person have a name or may I make it up? You can please. Yeah. we need a fake name if you have any well is it an ordinary just any normal name we'll be fine yeah it's a normal name or no it's an ordinary it could even be one of our names just a random name to bob mike jeff well okay so like an ordinary i just call him bob mike jeff no well let me throw let me throw down

if i can throw down sure yeah any normal can i dunk it you spiked it up do you mind if i slam it down yeah we're taking a long time to be a basketball player if you're saying that kind of stuff just say like right so just like a normal a normal name i feel like we've established it yeah like michael jordan does it have to be like michael jordan it can just be a normal one it can't normal it can be like michael jordan it could be fucking mich Jordan. Just say a fucking name. Fine, fine, fine. Cravel Cravel Cravel Woodson Tunt. What is that? Cravel, C-R-A-V-E-L

W-O-O-D Woodson, S-E-N Tunt, T-U-N-T Tunt is such an unfortunate word. Tunt. Not a normal name, but we'll call him that for now. Cravel writes, an old roommate from college reached out and asked if I'd be interested in

shooting his wedding next month. I'm a videographer. So this would be my first wedding and I was honored. So I gave it a tentative yes. We live a few States away where COVID cases are trending down, and he scaled back the guest list to fit within state guidelines. Only close family and friends are attending the wedding party. And at first I was nervous because this would be my first time shooting an event like this, but now I think I'm realizing it's because I'm uneasy attending a gathering of 20 to 30 new people during this pandemic. Even if I'm mostly on the

outskirts with a camera, I'm sure there'll be moments where I'm up close and chatting and I plan to wear a mask, but surely no one else is going to be wearing a mask at this wedding, right? That would be a weird scene for the bride and groom to be like masked at the altar. It'd be honored to be there. I'd be honored to be there for a day and help capture this wedding for my friend. But I'd be lying to say if I wasn't a little irrationally worried, what would you do in my shoes stay healthy corvell woods and tunt gravel gravel gravel i was i was actually trying to get uh the pictures jake sent me to tweet i didn't listen to a word you said okay yeah this guy would you shoot a wedding right now is the question. Oh, great question. What do you think, Jake? I think you're not overreacting.

I think, I think, I think, I think. That's perfect. That's cool. I fucking love that song. That's really good. I think, I think, I think, I think,

I think. It's bad when it's two people doing it. Ben's was nice, but yours was really off pitch. Sorry about that. Yeah, it's fine. Okay, I think, I think. I think, I think, I think. I hate it.

I don't want to. Just answer the fucking question. What do you think? I think it's not an overreaction to be nervous to travel to a 30 person event and photograph a wedding right now. I don't think you should do that. But I think if he wants to help his friend out, he could show up early and set up the camera on a tripod so he can help film the wedding from a distance. But he doesn't have to be there. That's what I think.

This is what I think. I have so much writing to do. I just FaceTimed Amir at the wrong time, but now I'm doing a podcast. 2020, did he? I know. Oops, I'm on a podcast. It's such a weird problem.

I tried to call my friend, and then I was a guest on his podcast by accident. It's insane. I think. Nice. Okay. We came up with an iconic bit on the fucking fly. Everyone's going to be talking about,

I think forever. We will not. I think. Is that a TikTok? Amir wants me to join TikTok so bad. Is that a TikTok? I think. I think it could be a TikTok.

Everything's a TikTok. Yeah, we can put this on TikTok. I think that it is honestly scary. I'm invited to one of my closest friend's weddings, and I don't know if I can fly to New York to go to it. It's later in the year, too. I would love to. I love this person.

He's a good friend of mine for my whole life. And I haven't even gotten home to visit my family yet, so I'm all nervous about all that stuff. So I understand the trepidation. I literally didn't hear the story. I just heard Amir's reinterpretation of it because the guy had such a fucking normal name and it was hard to concentrate.

I would say, he basically said, I want to do something. I want to be a part of it if I can, but I'm scared. Is that basically it? Yeah, he's sort of like out he's smarting out he's deciding you maybe shouldn't go but he doesn't yeah if he has to fly there i understand it and also what happens if he flies there and doesn't quarantine and then he gets everybody at the wedding party sick i think that's something you got to think about that you might when is it happening did he give you a date i think he said next month vaguely so what your friend is still is that

wedding still on ben across a very small america having a very small get together and then they're having a bigger wedding in a year but like a small the marriage part is going to be a small thing jesus that seems it seems dangerous to even have a wedding right now let alone invite out of town guests just in general to get married you mean yeah he shouldn't even shouldn't even. Well, yeah, committing your life right now. Sorry, buddy. Unless you say I think. Because it might be melting down. Unless you say I think.

I don't know what you're talking about. I think. Commit to the bit or don't do it. I don't want to do it. It's not an option. Commit to the bit. It's not an option. Commit to the bit.

I think it's not really good to invite friends in California. It's a hot spot. You wouldn't want to have them. That's what I'm saying, my man. That's what I think. Oh, my God. I just don't know how to sing. I suck at singing.

So I feel like I'm being a hot spot. What's that? I'm not going to get into that. Yeah, I really do. I really do. I really do. Can we just play Mario Kart? Hey, Jake, why don't you ever jump on our Mario Kart games? I played with Amir like twice, and he just beat me so bad that it's not fun.

Like I can't have fun if I just consistently come in last place. I can't imagine. You got to train. I have a switch. Imagine being Amir in real life. I think. I think. Nice.

You beat Amir though, right? I'm talking about coming in last in real life. I think. I think. Nice. You beat a mirror, though, right? I'm talking about coming in last in real life all this whole life. That's tough. Like Mario Kart? No, like real life. That's rough, man. I want to empathize with you, but I don't really. I guess I come in last in some of the ways that we're associated with together.

You've made me come in last, so I can empathize with coming in last if it means anything i've seen your directing work in lonely and horny and i think you would come in first place thank you man i really appreciate that thank you man thank you was amir in that by the way what the fuck are you talking about i'm happy that you didn't notice because that's what i spent a lot of my that's what i spent a lot of my vision like trying to i was looking at the craft i was looking at the craft and i saw the supporting players but i'm not quite certain who the lead was lead was me was it was it a half a pound of hair no it wasn't a buck tooth chipmunk it's 140 pounds of fucking pure muscle you little bastard.

You don't weigh 140 pounds. Soaking dry. I'll play Mario Kart. Name your top three funniest friends, Jake. Don't think about it so it can be real. Top three funniest friends that you've ever had. You don't have to do this. Number one, Ben,

Gabriel, Seidel. And number four is not even fucking close. It's awkward. It's awkward to have it this way. He'll just say, oh, sorry. All right, ask me. All right, yeah. Who are your funniest friends?

Jake and Amir. Jake, no, stop. Jake, Gil Ozeri, Thomas Middleditch. I love them. Really funny, one,dleditch really funny one two three four baby is there a distant four like you have a huge drop off yeah huge drop off drop off to the point of what's the point totally what about you um yeah i was gonna say you too and then that's what i was gonna say do you know anyone else i was gonna say that but then i realized there was a rule where's the rule where we couldn't use each other or something that i missed um so i'll say no we both said each other yeah i said jake right off the bat i feel like we all said each other because i said ben ben said me and then you said me and ben yeah no i was gonna

say uh mike pence uh not that we're close but he writes me an email sometimes asking for money my gardener republican emails from right from mike pence well i i donate to i don't want to say which way i lean but i donated a ton of money to trump and mike pence uh back even this is in 2017 indicating which way you lean that right don't you own i try not to get too political yeah this is my canister of Goya beans. And yeah, I guess I vote with my ad dollars. I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think, I think. I hate that. Is that the whole podcast?

Yeah, that's our time. If you want to promote anything or give a shout out to anyone, now's your chance. I'd love to give a shout out to Jake Hurwitz. Check out his stuff. He's got a Dungeons and Dragons podcast for HeadGum. It's really popular. It gets huge ad bucks. Cool.

Not other D&D podcasts. Appreciate that, folks. Buckets. Buckets is canceled. That's the official announcement. Who told you that? That's too bad.

But I mean, yeah, it won't be missed. I mean, it's sort of one of those shows that self-cancels, that doesn't have ads or traffic, so they should stop recording. A lot of people call it shoot and a miss is what they said. Brick. I actually just searched that term on Medium. You're the only person that wrote that. You left a fucking essay.

What are you talking about? Your Medium.com blog post. You created a fucking essay. What are you talking about? Your medium.com blog post. You created a fucking account just to lambast my basketball podcast. Shooting a miss. It's Ben Schwartz. Holy shit, this is really long. I cannot believe you wrote this. May I, while I'm here, Jacob sent me a list of a person.

I'm going to tell you what their name is. Okay. It's Liv W. Put together all the names that I ever made up. May I go through them real quick? Yes, please. Wait from the videos or you give them different videos in the podcast. It seems I've only read the first page,

but I retweeted it because I support Jake. Okay. So rate them one through 10 in terms of names. Okay. Okay. Let's do a quick though. There's a lot. Here we go. Amir Blumenfeld. Zero. Worst name. Okay, Amir Blumenfeld. Nine.

Jope. Great. Ten. Scalvilosis Jim. Iconic. Ten. Caledine Sam. Ten. Sam Shannon Chunit. God, that's a Sam. Ten. Sam Shananchunit. God, that's a ten. Stanley.

Six. Ten, perfect. Stanley Grills. Carrot Slat. Perfect. Not that iconic. Paul. Four.

What were you doing? Paul. Janet. Stanson. Charles Kroosh Toost. Charles Kingen of Pumpsulu candles cherry dude cherry dude cherry dude is a 10 mere blumenfeld scalby loft seuss jim charles krusch toost yeah cherry dude Cherry Dude, Stanley Keeps. Nice. Talbot Corbel. Love that one.

Cooch Fault, Dusty Fieldston, Precious Fieldston, Precious Fieldston, Champy Chost, Shirley Kelp, Chad Salad. Nice. Chad Salad is from a live show, I remember. Chad Salad is from Chad Carter and I, I think in a show we did together, Chad Salad, I think it was a Charlie Calhoun. That's good.

Charlie Calhoun. Frantleaps Drexler. Chalk Cottoned with a T. Orlando Cornult. Corp Helicopter. Jesuian Winup. Liable Ream Job. Nice.

Takarly Salabatch. Michael Boobies. Harley Ray Jensen. Lawrence Odologos. Sukhan Kittenklee. Henry Boats Pyrrhic. Sterlp a Napkin. Sterlp a Napkin, Sterlp a Napkin.

Oh shit, that was from Dublin. Goddamn. Jeffrey Pimble, Clint Hortofoot, Diane Pillomane, Smith Hydrangeish. Smith is his first name? No, that's the full name.

Diane Pillomiman, Smith Erlfeititit Sue Donogrosahu Chance Philantropi Chalet Monet Sherbert Daltret Charlipe Croundold Gotcha and Raupert

Watermelon And what was the latest one today cravel cravel cravel woodland woodland yeah he's gonna have to add that one what a fortuitous thing that this list was like made and shared as you called us to be on the podcast well it's because we talked for the first time so you texted it to me it's crazy this i just saw this as we were on the phone really yeah so while we're talking you're on twitter uh it was during the break that's beautiful i'm here you want to wrap a little bit of uh amir and i've been going back and forth before we stop and jake do you know the hamilton album at

all or no i don't know the album very well. I saw the play twice, so I know it. But yeah, no, I don't know. Well, Amir and I have been going back and forth. He's trying to learn the words. So let's do, which one, what song do you want to do, Amir? God, how about Alexander Hamilton, the titular song, the best song,

which is just the name of the show. And I think that's a great song. Okay, and you can't Google lyrics. No, yeah, I know the lyrics, so I don't have to Google. How does a bastard orphan

son of a whore and a Scotsman drop dinner of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by Providence. And buffets. Impoverished and squalor. Grow up to be a...

Dan and a dude. Gotta tell you, we do fuck around here a lot. We do fuck around here a lot, but in terms of funny... That's all we do. Don't say a lot like we do fuck around here a lot but in terms in terms of we do fuck around here a lot but in terms of funny that's all we do not don't say a lot like we do anything else in terms of funny i have to admit i know we shit on him a lot but fucking jake is the funniest there is man i think i think i think i think i think well i love you guys is that yeah yeah i think we got there and I love you guys. Is that the whole hour? Yeah, I think we got there. You love you guys, both of us. You love you, Ben. You're the man, Ben.

I love you, dude, like a brother. I love you too, man. I can't imagine. I don't like that we haven't talked. Maybe we do a little FaceTime and catch up like real humans. I'm down. Why do we always have to zoom on Mike? You have my private number, right? Yeah, not the one we shared with Amir. Not one from meatball boys the text chain because yeah i know i thought that's your private i thought that was your private i love you guys i'm gonna get back

to writing i feel like love you guys how many questions did you answer just ones yeah just that one that you let us accidentally answer well i hope this gets a lot of views and i hope yeah it's a podcast so nobody's watching but yeah i hope it gets a lot of views and i hope yeah it's a podcast so nobody's watching but yeah i hope it gets a lot of likes a lot of views that's not how it works there's no likes on podcast but thank you so much yeah that it can do uh we appreciate you stopping by you did shit on me a lot middle-aged and schwartz on netflix uh check out standing up falling down that's me and billy crystal uh space forces out If you want to watch that. Oh,

nice. Wow. And I mean, that's it. Maybe this, maybe this idea for a podcast. I just thought, or that might be fun.

That's right. Subscribe to Ben's new podcast. If it exists now, it probably won't exist. I can't imagine. I have the, the time to put it together, but I want,

I'm thinking about it. I want to do it. I'll take it. I'll plug in your microphone for you. I'll do the hard part. Oh, and he's gone. He left. He fucking left. Jesus. Well, I guess

that's it. My God, what a hurricane. At the very least, a tropical storm. Opening theme song. Do you remember it? I already forget. Oh, no. It was Alexander from Canada. Hamilton. Wait, was it Hamilton, Canada? No, it was. Oh, no. It was that Alexander from Canada. Right. Right. Hamilton. Wait, was it Hamilton, Canada?

No. It was Windsor, Ontario. That's right. Feels like a year ago at this point. Indeed. This closing theme song is written by the Mighty Adam, who is Hugo 7. We've used Blink-182 in a broadway cover of his before but this is a parody of senses working overtime by ecstasy off their english settlement album of course

love it uh feel free to shout out our band camp which is destroy the mighty adam.bandcamp.com dope name adam you know atom of course what I really thought it was about a strong guy named Adam. Yeah, it is. He spells his name A-T-O-M. Atom. So cool. Thanks to a mighty Adam. Thanks to Alexander. Thanks to Ben for just coming by

and lending his whatever that was to the show. We appreciate his time and energy and effort. Always. And it's always fun to have him here and it's always fun to have you guys listen for more me and jake on a podcast uh check out the head gum podcast on the head gum network correct and we also have videos every week on our patreon patreon.com slash ja so check those out as well we'll be back next week stay healthy stay home stay safe unless you're in new zealand you can do whatever you want nice jealous We'll be back next week. Stay healthy. Stay home. Stay safe.

Unless you're in New Zealand, you can do whatever you want. Nice. Jealous. Bye. Bye. Bye. Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, o And I'm probably gonna kill myself In a Starbucks And now Amir and his bud Jake Are gonna do just what it takes

Or maybe just make fun of me Yeah it's the If I Were You Show Heck, I'm working overtime Trying to take this solid advice If I Were You Show Heck, I'm working overtime Trying to taste the difference between yams and rice Support them on Patreon

And find where you start now HeadGum Network That was a HeadGum Podcast