Segments - 445: Only Fans

Episode Date: July 27, 2020

In this episode we discuss various Zoom meals we recently shared with Broadway royalty, then a question or two about porn and having sex during quarantine.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

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in love. if i were you great whoa great song i love the twist ending that's an interesting factoid that we would get out of our late relationships and be with each other yeah that's a fun little end to our story yeah that's fucking yeah i mean i agree but it's a cool final act you have to admit yeah i mean there's no there's no there's no way i i mean like we're not compatible it's not even at all right. Right, in that way. Definitely. An odd couple. Yeah, it wouldn't make sense.

Would you do that, though? I mean, I was just doing... What? I feel like I'm just doing a bit, but you're like, Jesus, you're... No, I'm doing a bit. You want it so badly, I can tell. You wrote the song. You wrote the song. I'm curious.

You are. I'm bi-curious. I know. I know you are.'m bi curious i know i know you are actually i didn't write it george collins wrote it and it was great i forgot what an earworm that song is it really it's so catchy it's a 22 year old from wales about to move to london to work for the bank of new york so he's a very hamilton-esque setup i can see that yeah that makes sense where the hell is wales uh i don't know i imagine it's like an island off the the regular island of uk you'd be incorrect about that it's it's not an island it's it's well england's an island okay so yeah so in that it is an island

but it's attached to the main island uh and it's just sort of a section it's on the the bottom half on the western part and is it a different country wales is it just like do you when you're when you're welsh do you speak welsh or is it just like yeah you're basically english i think you're Welsh, do you speak Welsh, or is it just like, yeah, you're basically English? I think you're, I mean, I'm glad that you're asking me, because... Because you're sort of an expert in terms of socioeconomic... It's a country. It's a country in southwest Great Britain known for its rugged coastline. It's a mountainous national park, distinctive Welsh language, and Celtic culture.

That's cool. And then, so, the Welsh language, does that sound like English? Or, like, can you speak a little Welsh? Welsh is a little different. Nice. Very nice. Obviously, I'm kidding.

I knew all this stuff about Wales. Yeah. No, yeah. I mean, I feel like both of us are... Experts. We're Welsh experts. Yeah. like both of us are um experts we're welsh experts um yeah because you you had a resident resident residency excuse me on the isle of man yeah so i spent that's funny that you bring it up yeah so i spent uh two years on the isle of man learning about welsh and various united kingdom

like the whole commonwealth and different things about that between politics and geography. And then I did my PhD in Scottish architecture. So like I was able to get like a full broad spectrum. Was that all at Isle of Man or did you travel at all? Did you go anywhere? No, I ended up in the peninsula of women for like half of it.

And then I spent most of it on the archaea pegalo of dudes and then most of them i was just like for the rest of the time i was on the fjord of chicks absolutely savage i spent a fucking winter on the fjord of chicks using my fjord focus i was able to get from one part of wales to the fjord focus we have to start learning this shit because now that america is not like at the top of the pecking order like how the virus is killing us economically and physically we have to like start learning shit about other countries

like they're learning about there was a time i can't just go to france and be like learn talk to me and i language because i'm the i'm the big dog i mean we were never like really number one you know but we sort of like had enough cover that we could say that um and now we acted as though we belonged at the now the curtain has been pulled back. We are... Yeah. We're not good. We're an aisle of dumbasses. A virus has exposed us.

It's an international IQ test that we failed. And we're like, we elected this leader. Can I come to your country? And they're finally saying, no, obviously not. You're sick. You're infected with this dumbass disease that you can't shake because half your country refuses to wear a mask. And that's fair for them to say that to me.

So now I have to learn French. I have to learn Spanish. And I have to prove myself so that I can enter their country just as they used to do to enter ours. So you can live on the Isle of Man so you can be the man. The man at the top of the isle. It's funny. We were talking about the Hamilton song at the top of the aisle um it's funny we were talking about uh the hamilton um song at the top i just watched the disney plus taped version of it it was very good and you can see during that part king george played by jonathan groff is spitting drooling during the

song like he's so insane i guess that he like wanted to like get into character by basically pulling his mouth up with saliva and when he's singing he's foaming and spitting as much as i've ever seen anybody do during a song and is that like a character choice like this guy would spit and be foaming at the mouth because he's crazy or is that like my vocal cords are gonna work best if they're super lubed up and and most people in the audience won't see this it's not being taped you know like did he do that specifically to be seen on tape or is that just his process and it was revealed through the tape i actually asked jonathan the other day that exact question.

Really? And it's so funny. Did he have an answer? We were having a Zoom, we had a Zoom brunch. Nice. So Groff was like, he was interesting about it. What did you guys have for a Zoom brunch? Just because I want to get to his answer also,

but you said you had a Zoom brunch and was it just you two? I was just having, I was just picking out a salad and he had some casserole or something. So it wasn't like a plant thing? It wasn't like, oh, let's sit down for brunch? No, it was a plant thing. It was a plant thing. And you were picking out a salad?

He had a casserole? Yeah, just like picking out a tabbouleh salad. And he had like some zucchini weird casserole thing, gluten-free, whatever. Does he have a dietary thing? Sorry, yeah, it doesn't matter. I feel like you shouldn't be, you're getting frustrated with me and I'm just chatting. No, he doesn't have a dietary thing he's just now we're getting really off topic but he's trying to reduce his gluten intake sounds like a dietary thing she's like he's on a diet yes but it's not

like it's not an allergy it's a sense this is now we're getting really really off topic it's not an allergy but it's a sensitivity but it's not even the one that he's having his partner is just trying to limit okay the amount of gluten so he's like he's you know in solidarity okay we got that we set it up that's all i wanted to say it's so jonathan was so funny he was like picking at this what time was it are you guys on the same coast are you guys on the same coast for a for a zoom brunch because it i guess i would just imagine that he's east Coast based. So then that's like, right, you're so pissed. He's, this has nothing to do with anything, but he's visiting his parents in Florida.

So yes, he's East Coast, but he's not East Coast based. He's not East Coast? Okay, he's from Oakland. Okay. Yeah. All right. So he's usually, he's a California kid just like me. And it's just you two.

Why are you so mad? I was wondering if it was just you two on the fucking zoom brunch it was yes it was just me and jonathan and he was in florida with his parents picking at a no sorry he had a casserole a zucchini casserole and you a gluten-free zucchini casserole i was picking at a tabbouleh salad with egg and that was when you asked him about the spittle during his performance of the taped hamilton so funny i was talking about for disney yeah and i forgot i totally forgot his answer it was so funny but it was really funny. I don't remember what he said. It was like, yeah. But you remembered so many other details. You remembered everything.

His family had just gotten takeout the night before and the restaurant provided sporks. And so he's like, this is fun. I'm just going to use it. He's really funny when he's like picking at the stuff. I was picking at the salad. He was also picking at the gluten-free zucchini thing. And he was using a spork, a plastic spork. Because he's like picking at the stuff. I was picking at the salad. He was also picking at the gluten-free zucchini thing. And he was using a spork, a plastic spork.

Because he's like, how often? And then I'm like, how often do you ever get to use a spork? And that's exactly what he said. It was like, jinx, jinx, jinx. Did you guys take a screenshot? Sometimes when I do like a Zoom brunch, I'll like, we'll do like this. No, we didn't take a fucking screenshot. Whoa.

And that's actually quite enough with the follow-ups. My God. That's actually very quite enough with the follow-ups my god it's actually very quite enough for the followers god what why what does it matter i was chatting with you and i was chatting with jonathan i was having a zoom brunch with jonathan groff and it was so funny and we were like talking about i feel like you're saying it's funny you're talking about like what you're talking about you're talking about what you're eating but then every time i ask a question to try to get in on the joy you shut you shut down and you're

angry with me this is exactly yeah this is exactly what jonathan was talking about it was so funny he's like you have you have like one of those friends that's like always trying to get in on the joy and it's like he's not gonna get in on the joy and i'm like yeah i think i have someone in my life that's kind of like that so much specific shit that i was curious about i feel like am i like i feel like i'm being gaslit by you right now no okay we were we we i wasn't even talking about you actually i was talking about a different buddy of mine yes so but now that you bring it up yeah you do you're kind of like that you're kind of like and it was so funny because jonathan was like also talking about somebody else but like earlier today he was talking about a different

friend he's like oh my god that totally reminds me of the time that what are you laughing about what are you laughing about because you weren't there don't fucking don't find joy in that that's the story between me and groff during your zoom brunch yeah i know yeah yeah we had a zoom run yeah where he was eating a fucking casserole how did you know what he was told me this you told me this how did you know what i was eating you said you were having a tabbouleh salad you said he was in florida you said you were in la yeah you were picking out he's from oakland i know a lot he doesn't have a dietary thing but his partner does and there and he's he's not eating gluten out of

solidarity. I know way too much, but I don't know anything about the spittle, which is what I fucking asked you about. And that's how we got into this entire thing. I asked you about the spittle. You said you knew the answer. You brought me on this insane journey where you gave me a ton of information that I didn't ask for or require or need in any way jonathan jonathan yeah can i call you later i'm doing uh i'm doing that stupid little radio show i was telling you about really talk shit about our podcast yeah yeah with the guy yeah the guy that i was saying you said you weren't talking about the thing where he tries to suck joy so it's specifically about me yeah yeah okay all right i'll call you later hey and remember don't forget the spork nice

all right bye i mean sporks are sporks are funny i feel like you'll never guess who called i know who's who i know who called it was jonathan yeah it was jonathan groff and you yeah i had uh i actually had brunch zoom brunch i know this is insane i feel like i i'm taking crazy pills you are i do see a little bottle of crazy have you seen the hamilton have you seen the disney pros version i haven't seen the film i haven't seen the film. But I did a Zoom cocktail hour with Lynn. Kind of one-upping you in that regard. What'd you guys drink? I had an Aperol Spritz.

Lynn had a Corona with a lime. Not really a cocktail, but yeah. Yeah, it wasn't a cocktail it wasn't a cocktail but we had a happy hour and that's actually just you two or was part of like it was just us two it was just us two our wives were supposed to join but the last minute his kid got sick my my wife had she had a stomach thing so was sick. We had a cocktail and he had a beer and we talked about that. I was funny that we each had a reason to cancel, but we didn't want to. We didn't need to. We didn't want to. That's nice.

That's actually really nice. What did you guys discuss on the Zoom? We discussed... On the happy hour. It's actually none of your business, but we discussed the spittle coming out of Jonathan Groff's mouth during Hamilton. Really?

And I know the answer. What did he have to say in terms of it? And I know the answer. And I know the answer to the question that I wanted. Was it to lube the vocal cords? You said it was to lube the vocal cords? It was to lube the vocal cords. What did you say?

At the end of the day, it was to lube the vocal cords. Is did you say because at the end of the day it was to lube the vocal cords is that why you use that specific verbiage when you're asking me the question you had already known that was like a fucking test to see if i remembered what groff told me on my zoom brunch where he was having a gluten-free zucchini loaf and i was having a fucking i was picking it i was picking at it yeah exactly that's exactly right because lynn and i talked about how toxic you are. And we baited you into this. Because we knew you were talking shit with Groff.

Because I was a non-video participant in your brunch. No way. That was impossible. Because Lynn tipped me off. I was a non-video participant. I called Groff. I turned my video off. He called you.

And I know what he had. I knew what he had before you knew what he had. I knew about his gluten thing. I knew about his partner's gluten thing. I knew he was in Florida. And I knew you had a tabbouleh salad. This is insane. You were setting me up.

But if I'd ever asked you what you were up to, you would have never told me about the Lynn thing. So when were you going to use this information? You had it on me. I was telling you the whole story you didn't bring it up then in passing after the fact the entire story is complete you tell me that you were what spying on me

so you could hear the story that I was repeating non-viewing participant I caught you in the act what act you and Gruff talking about how i steal joy how i suck joy i told you that by the way see you didn't you didn't say gotcha when i told you you seem shocked you seem shocked and appalled i can't believe you were a non is that even a non-video participant i wasn't gonna say anything i wasn't gonna say anything i wasn't gonna say anything but here we are because lynn didn't't going to say anything. I wasn't going to say anything. I wasn't going to say anything, but here we are.

Because Lynn didn't want me to say anything. Because he doesn't want you to know that it's three versus one. That it's me, Lynn, and Groff. Against who? And we're all trying to cut you out because you're toxic to us. Yeah, I actually didn't know that. Don't forget the spork. We were actually, all three of us, cracking up about that shit before you even got in on the joke.

What are you talking about you you you were joking about don't forget the spork you were making fun of the fact that i thought it was no you're making fun of the fact that the spork thing was funny because that happened to groff when he and his parents got takeout in fort lauderdale okay yes that's what I was telling you. Yes, I knew that already. And I said, you should fucking tell Amir because he gets a kick out of that kind of shit. He did tell me that. I thought we did get a kick out of it.

That's how you got your guard lowered. Don't forget the spork. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I actually just ordered... I made a mistake. I tried to order 10 sporks off Amazon so I can eat it next Zoom brunch. And I accidentally ordered 1,000 pairs of 10 sporks off Amazon so I can eat it next Zoom brunch

and I accidentally ordered a thousand pairs of 10 sporks. Oh my God. So I have 10,000 sporks when all I need is a knife. Like how fucked up is that? You should call Alanis and tell her that. That's so funny you mentioned that

because I was having a dessert, a dessert with Alanis. You had dessert? Yeah. A Zoom style or did you do like an outdoor socially distant yeah i had a zoom dessert after our dinners we had separate dinners right did you have

the alanis logged on sorry to interrupt did you have zoom dinners with other people or was it just like i did and that's actually a funny story i'll tell you about that afterward so i had a zoom dessert with alanis and i brought that yeah alanis for set and i brought that up the 10 000 sporks that i had accidentally ordered it because she was also friends oh she's friends with groff or she's friends with groff's partner parents and i guess she was a non i think she was a non-video participant with you and lynn's cocktail hour because it came impossible she was a little buzzed on my Zoom dessert. Impossible. Yeah, she knew about the sporks.

She knew about the questions. I really hope she wasn't a non-video participant on that call because... She was. Yeah, that's what she said. She said she was an MVP. Lynn and I said some things that were a little uncouth. I feel like Lynn might have baited me into talking. She didn't mention anything about me, did she? Yeah, she said you brought up two things ad nauseum it was the

sporks and then this bizarre little i don't want to say it on the podcast because we're recording but you have this eczema on your gruntle in between your asshole and your dick i wasn't gonna i guess you have like three spritz and i tell fucking lynn one secret i had three three spritz and i guess and i tell them yeah i guess more set heard about it because we were eating pie on zoom in a dessert fashion and she was having an old-fashioned during your cocktail hour which was actually she was participating in non-video style right yeah i know where she told me how it looked like you had red ants, basically, crawling out of your ass into your dick. And it was bubbling, right?

It looks like someone had stapled it, and that was the scarring. That's what the eczema looks like, right? These are intense details, and I know them, right, verbatim, as you described them to Lynn during your Zoom cocktail. This is more of a happy hour. And I heard them. He had a beer, so it was more of a happy hour. Don't worry about that part. Zoom cocktail hour. This is more of a happy hour because you had a beer. And I heard them. You had a beer, so it was more of a happy hour. Yeah, and I heard that.

Don't worry about that part. And I heard them from Alanis during our Zoom dessert, or as we called it, a zizzert. And we spent the better part of the hour cracking up about that. She was kind of tipsy because, again,

she had an old-fashioned, while she was crashing, your Zoom cocktail hour. You're done. Man. The Zoom where it happened. The Zoom where it happened. I want to be in the Zoom where it happens.

That's funny you mentioned that. You'll never believe who I had a google hangout with someone right now is looking down at their podcast up being like jesus this is a nine hour episode or even sadder jesus there's only four minutes left in this episode and they haven't said the name of the show so we did we did we did the promote whatever the uh the, whatever the songsters, like band camp or whatever is. Did we already say that? No, I didn't get around to that, actually. I figured that would have been a problem.

If people want to follow me on Instagram and recommend other musical numbers to parody, he'd be happy to give them a try, is at george but spell the way you do you usually say jorge callings so j-o-r-g-e callings not call ins but jorge callings c-o-l-l-i-n-g-s all right jorge callings uh sending my best all the head cam hud gum folks in these trying times so thanks george aka jorge thank you appreciate it indeed i guess uh i guess i need to take a break because um shit i have to hop off we won't record this part let's take a break but i have a i have like a zoom lunch thing with who scheduled for right about now i didn't realize it was going to take this long with leslie odin jr wow yeah that's awesome uh all right let's take a break i'll do that he's a zoom lunch and then i'll tell you all about it there's there's

eight non-video participants do you want to just everyone should turn on their turn on your video let's have a reveal oh god this is a fucking surprise zoom party uh all right we'll be back after these messages quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free

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now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results. It's G-U-M dot F-M slash S-E-G-M-E-N-T-S. Cool. Sorry, I have to spell it out for some people. Yeah, you do. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point.

Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag-and-drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first-stop, one-stop shop.

Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly.

And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know,

that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when like you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah. Which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters?

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Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a lesson in the five. Mom, I do. You know what's coming back? The Goat Show, my podcast with my brother.

Wow. You didn't get enough doing a full season of The Goat Show and NatPod and this podcast. You said, you know what? Let's bring it back that's right you know i only i only record four or five podcasts a week and i felt like why not make it six you know just go all in smart um so the goat show is back for another season the goat show is i think it's back for another season but we're going to be doing maybe more like monthly or bi-weekly episodes, give ourselves a little bit more time to test and review the products. But you can listen to the first season right now, if you haven't already. We reviewed key rings, white t-shirts,

cocktails, at-home workouts. You can hear what happens as COVID hits and what we start reviewing. We did at-home workouts, what to do during quarantine, and then we ended with goat cocktails. Cocktails, pillows. Yeah, we did pillows. Yeah. We covered a lot of bases, and we're starting again next week. We will be revealing the goat mask. We tested maybe 25 masks, face masks. face masks oh my god and there is a goat

uh i think there's a clear winner yeah i do frankly the cut the butt and the coconut of these masks that is not is that close to what you how you rate them i will reveal what we are the system uh i believe we are using the mask, the task, and the bask. The bask being how swampy your mouth gets when you're basking in the mask. That's right. Very nice. Mike had just ended up reviewing a masquerade mask on a stick that you wear. A New Year's Eve ball. Yeah, exactly. It's perfect. All right, cool. Return of the goat show. uh mike had just ended up reviewing a masquerade mask on a stick that you wear a new year's eve

ball yeah exactly it's perfect all right cool return of the goat show just in time check it out and subscribe now um i should say that this is if i were you uh an advice podcast usually the only one on the web hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake might be the latest we introduced the show maybe second act i feel like we've done that. Minute 25. We did that before that time you pitched a Pixar movie for the first 20 minutes of the show. Yeah, yeah, I remember. Did they end up making that movie, by the way? They did, The Talking Garage. Yes, yes, The Talking Garage. I adored that was a that was simply a choice a choice that i made it that way it made us laugh and it made you cry and we ended up making it all right pixar spent

five years animating it it is out in theaters now it's called cars to the garage uh all right here's a question about only fans talking about quarantine chic ideas okay yeah uh we'll call this lady uh fanta fanta fanta only fanta writes guys, I'm a big Fanta and I have been spam listening to your podcast all year Is that like when you listen to a lot in a row? Like binge listening? Yeah, I guess Okay, anyway, lately my boyfriend

has been telling me I should start an OnlyFans and has even posted some pictures of me on places to see the reaction people would have My question is, what's your opinion on starting an OnlyFans? And if you have any advice on how to go about making some bank, I'd like to use the money I could earn to start traveling. Any word of wisdom would be great. Thank you.

I have a feeling this person's not in America because they said spam listening and they plan on traveling, which Americans can't do. Oh, interesting. Very interesting. Nice.

Good detective. She probably lives on the Isle of man. Yeah. The Isle of spam. And your, and your porn expertise, have you dabbled into the only fans realm of it all? I've gotten close.

I haven't pulled the trigger. There's too much of an unknown for me, for OnlyFans, I feel like. Because it's too personal? Well, paid porn sites show you previews. You really see what you're getting, and you want full access. And you're like, okay, I'll do that. OnlyFans, people have like profiles and it just says like nine videos, nine pictures, 14 posts. And there's nothing.

I see. You have no idea what you're getting into. And all you can do, the only option is like subscribe for one month, three months or the year. So it costs cash for you to even see what you're what you're buying i see there's you've already bought it there's no sneak preview or anything like that correct i guess people like maybe if you if you're specifically looking for like i haven't gone there specifically for someone so maybe if you're like, oh, I like this porn star, I bet that person posts like previews of their OnlyFans. I see.

If you just go to OnlyFans.com and you're like trying to peruse and find somebody, there's not really any way to tell what goods you're buying. It looks like they're trying to expand beyond porn, it seems to like, oh, Only only fans can also be for fashion or fitness or photography yeah i think once you are that porn prevalent you don't really come back like it's too late for you to pivot only fans yes i feel like but i mean only fans is basically it's patreon for porn so we do it you know we we whore ourselves out, you know? Yeah, but we do it through comedy because no one wants to see our dicks. Right. Why don't they just call themselves PornTreon?

I wonder if it's just hard to say or maybe it's like a trademark thing. Yeah. Yeah, because OnlyFans is like, it's also a nice tight URL. But for it to be just a single word of PornTreon, Yeah, because OnlyFans is like, it's also a nice tight URL, but for it to be just a single word of PornTreon, let's see if that's even available as a.com. Right. Yeah, it forwards to OnlyFans.

Does it really? No. No. What do you, how do you feel about this lady starting an OnlyFans? It's, you know, if you want to do it, you should do it. I don't think there's anything implicitly wrong with starting an OnlyFans. And it doesn't even have to be like, you know, porn. It can be scantily clad photos. But ultimately, it's your decision, not your boyfriend's. Yeah, I guess I'd hope that the photos that he's posted are with your express written permission um there's something nice about like decentralizing porn like it's definitely an industry that's run by dudes that uh notoriously

don't care that much about uh the women in porn so so taking yeah they're like taking it back is kind of nice like right empowering creators um i think the only thing to remember is just that when you put something on the internet, even if it's behind a private paywall, it's out there forever and people will find it. So if you're okay with that, then great, but definitely think about it a lot. Yeah, think about it, make sure it's your decision,

not your boyfriend's. And if you can make a lot of money and not necessarily feel too uncomfortable about it then i don't personally see anything wrong with it not that you need my permission yeah if you don't give a shit and you can make money and you can travel and uh yeah i mean that sounds pretty solid but definitely don't do it because your boyfriend told you to fuck i might even do it i mean i'm playing video games on twitch who's to stop me from doing it in the buff like twitch would probably flag and report it yeah you're

not allowed to you're not allowed to get nude on twitch right that's not kosher i'm just saying if i play mario kart i'm sitting indian style naked i probably could do it on twitch right you could not do it on twitch i think is what we're trying to say, right? Yeah, but I'm wondering if OnlyFans has a streaming platform that I could still do the, so I'm Zelda, but my little wieners kind of, I mean, it's out. I'm naked. I don't know how else to say it. I don't know if they have the infrastructure, because like when you're on Twitch,'re also you're streaming your screen and you right yeah so it's a it's a screen of my tv slash video game how do you also how do you get the stream from your tv onto the i feel like i'm computer 70 years old how do you get how do you get your computer onto the how do you get your tv onto the computer is my yeah this was me throughout

all of may and then i figured out that you you have to buy a little box that connects in between your Nintendo and your TV and your computer. And it takes the image from your TV and puts it on your computer. And then you have a webcam that's shooting you. Did you buy a webcam too or did you use your computer one? It's the one that I'm currently using, my built-in MacBook iSight. I guess if you're going to go naked, you should probably get an HD nice camera. There's apparently apps where you can use your iPhone camera as a webcam. Oh, that's pretty cool.

I think that'd just be a nicer way to see your taint and grundle, like on your OnlyFans when you're streaming doing Zelda naked. So it's like Tetris, but it's like my ass. You can see my ass. sounds hot i don't know yeah yeah so i'm like yeah i mean i know you get it but i know yeah you play mario but yeah you're just saying different video games and then a naked part of your body i get it you're playing snowboard

kid but it's your cock right you're playing i was gonna say are you a party it's your taint yeah no i know i know i was gonna say mario party it's your taint yeah no i know i know i was gonna say mario party and taint but yeah that works too that's what i did say i did say mario party and taint no the after you said the first thing that's what i was gonna say and then you said what i was gonna say it's so i mean you really might as like we're just it's like we're splitting out like what yeah you get it i'm playing ssx tricky but it's your shaft instead of like a picture of my face it's my uh yeah it's my shaft or something like that your balls yeah yeah let me know the head all right next question you're

starting to make me feel uncomfortable i'm starting to second guess this whole only fans thing finally uh this is from a lady in northern california so we'll call her steph steph curry right i'm a 21 year old girl from norcal my boyfriend of three and a half years dumped me in march pretty soon after quarantine began i definitely wasn't blindsided by any means and i agreed that it needed to happen, so no bad blood, but I've seen him twice since and asked him to hang out both times, and we had a really good time together just catching up and having some good laughs. I'm gonna have my house to myself for a week next month, and part of me really wants to ask him to come over for drinks, hoping he'll end up sleeping over one last time before I go back to college. But is being broken up for four

months too soon to invite him over to my house again? I just want to be around someone and know I can have a good time and joke around with and ideally have sex with, but I'm worried he won't be down for it and will think poorly of me if we're trying to sleep with him again this soon. He was always more sensitive and emotional than me, so I don't know if this is a good idea or if it'll ruin our friendly relationship going forward. Thanks, love, Steph. Steph, right. You know where I stand on this. I don't like going backwards.

I only like going forwards. I don't think you get anything out of doing this. Zero, nothing. She wants to have safe sex with somebody that she trusts a partner that she's been with yeah i mean definitely it sounds good when you put it like that for sure but i think you can have new safe sex with a new person that there's actually a future with and there's no need to go back uh and i don't know uh just like stick around something that wasn't working, and also put yourself out on the line and potentially mess something up.

I don't really care about messing anything up, because I don't think there's anything really there. What's to mess up your relationship with your ex? That's, by definition, it was messed up. Like you had another relationship ended. That is fine. You don't need to be in a good relationship with your ex. I think that's weird.

He has done grata. Yeah. Here's my advice. If you really want to do it, I think you should say straight up, do you want to have sex one last time before I go back to college? Instead of like, hey, do you want to come over? it's like feels like you're sort of it's too honest it's too open it's i think he'll appreciate the honesty and the openness and if he wants to do it he'll do it when you ask him like that you're not going to get him in lure him in and then switch it up and then i don't know i just

feel like if you really want to do it get get it out of your system. Although it will be like opening up an old wound. Yeah. I think you really got to sit down and reflect and wonder if you're doing this because you're past it, you feel strong and confident and good, and you want to move on and you want to have sex one more time before you go back to college, or if you're saying all those things to yourself because you still have feelings for your boyfriend. I don't think you want to sleep with an ex just for one last fling before school. I don't know. Yeah, I wouldn't want to do that.

But my advice would be, if you wanted to do that, to be open and honest like that, rather than, no, it's not a big deal. I just want you to invite you over. And then there's this weird tension when he gets there. What do you want? What does he want? And just be prepared for the fact that he might say no. And that would be a slap in the face if you're like, hey, I just want you to come over so we can have sex. And then he says, no thanks. But that sounds honest to me. Yeah. First step of your honesty, though, is thinking honestly about what you actually want. She wants to have sex with him, honestly. Steph wants that old sex, that pre-quarantine orgasm. Nothing sounds better than old sex with an X. Give me an X to sex.

What about OnlyFans, but it's just pictures of your ex? So it's only X fans. That's really fascinating. You'd have like a network like Facebook. I was just, yeah, I don't really think that's a good idea. Connections. That would be, God, mean taking the like the the nude photos uh out uh it just what a weird network it would be that you could like just i guess i'm thinking of it almost like ancestry.com because i've been oh yeah how is your how is your family tree now a

week uh i guess i i definitely was more into it for three days than i have been into the last month but i checked on it every once in a while you know it's it's a lot of clicking but i've gotten i've gotten one row of ancestors real far back you know i'm from scotland did i tell you that no i didn't know that that update yeah so now you're scottish so you should know about wales more than me really yeah uh i i actually should um a lot of big chunk of my family's from like uh near dublin and near dundee oh wait not scott that's not scotland wait let me see where they're from all right yeah i see you just you fired up your computer and it was on only fans so i don't know if you were kidding me yeah no it was it was dundee there's

oh kill there is that a place whatever yeah is my family from kill there is that a place so i guess that was in ireland um yeah. I'm a Scottish Irishman now. And my idea about exeslikeancestry.com, I could just create a tree, a what could have been family tree, where you can befriend your exes on this platform or just log them that's what it would be more of a more of a diary as it were that's sounds incredibly sad yeah diary of your exes and what could have what could have been journal just for me i know i i totally i does that makes

a ton of sense it sounds sad coming out of my mouth, but there's something fascinating about it because you would see who you shared exes with. You know, it connects us. That's all I'll say. Connects with an X, with a capital X. X connects. That's pretty good.

Save it for 20-vation. That's really good. Yeah, I know. All right, cool. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Thanks for watching. Not really watching, but watching with your ears. What's that called?

Listening. Yes, I already said that. Okay, thanks for listening. Thanks for sending in your theme songs and questions. You can email them all to ifiroushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was George Collings. remember george collings with a hamilton parody and this is um our man from last week the one who sounded like a southerner i said he sounded like a burt williams from alabama but it was actually an alex from windsor ontario

so he sent another one and he leaned into the bird of it all to make this very uh western sounding song for us so let's give it up once again for alex from windsor uh you know what the town is kill bernie just so everybody out there knows where uh where my uh great great great great great great great great great great grandma is from kill bernie hi scott hi okay thank you let's play the song uh and uh if you want more of us on podcasts uh the head gumum Podcast on the HeadGum Network. That's right. New episode every week.

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Thank you for listening. See you soon. Adios. There's a lot of hardworking men across Canada, America, United States. There's some we can never leave out. There's songs, great songs about truck drivers and miners and cowboys But there's one we always forget about There's only one job that my hands can't grip I want to sit on my ass

And give out tips to dumb teens Who can't figure it out for themselves I want to wake up in the morning at 1 p.m. And talk for 45 minutes Post it on Thursdays, it's foolproof Ah, well, if I were you. Thank you. Thank you.

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