Segments - 446: Jake's Birthday Gift

Episode Date: August 4, 2020

In this episode we discuss virtual reality, virtual currency, and the perfect present for a 35 year old.For more of us check out "The Headgum Podcast" on the Headgum network, and Patreon.com/JA!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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and save extra when you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star.

There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous. You're skittish. You're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live live.

So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now the ad. Edit this part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it

oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. Bro, this girl, she's like a 10. You know what? I can't even leave my apartment because of COVID. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And my dipshit roommate, she won't wear a mask. And like, he's like these bags of meat everywhere. And I don't really know what we're talking about. I know.

Who I know takes a bench in a mirror. Have a podcast where they help you put your problems on broadcast. Give you advice in an audio format. I found that to be a phenomenal song. That was great. I really liked it. Yeah. It was really cool and groovy, just like we are. We're just sort of two cool dudes.

Obviously. Yeah. The song matched that vibe that I want to put out there. We're a mood. That was an actual cool song. That was an actual cool song. That was an actual cool song. And when you described it as being fitting to us because we're groovy,

you undid everything that song set up for the show. If you could have been cool, if you could have been cool when the show started, that would have fit. Do you know what I mean? I was just saying that we're a couple goals i know what you're saying and that song was kind of your hair your hair is getting grayer as you're talking it was a current mood i was gonna say and it fit our mood it fit our mood it It was a Fri-yay banger. Okay? And I'm actually going to pour myself a rosé to celebrate.

Fri-yay rosé by the seashore. Now that's groovy. This guy wants us to give a shout out to his new EP called Cocaine Lemonade out on all streaming platforms August 7th. Wow, two days after my

birthday. Oh, that's right. So not only do you have a birthday this week, but Cocaine Lemonade comes out this week. So pretty exciting August. Yeah, that's a great August. I might play that shit. I might play that shit. I remember when... On my birthday, at my party. That guy's name was Shigurd, S-I-G-U-R-D. So maybe he's from a faraway land. Or maybe he's not, and that's fine, too. I'm afraid of saying anything wrong, including this word, saying anything wrong. So I'll move on accordingly. Thank you, Sigurd.

Yeah. You're going to get, for everything that you could get canceled for it's not gonna be saying sigurd is from a different plant holy shit they're coming after me no uh when the quarantine started i remember all those march and april birthdays thinking like uh you you sad saps you guys don't get to celebrate your birthday during quarantine like all of us at a different part of the year. Like your birthday in August will be fine. And then my birthday in January, by that time, it's going to be game over. But it looks like we're all going to have quarantine birthdays this year.

Yeah, I guess that's true. I totally, I thought the same exact thing. And now quarantine is so normal that I'm just like, yeah, of course my birthday is going to happen during quarantine. This is what life is. My birthday will happen during life. And that's including a Zoom hangout affair. Because bars don't exist. I am not doing a Zoom birthday.

I'm just going to go to the park with Jillian and that's going to be, and I'll have a beer outside. That's what I'm planning on doing. You get arrested? Come on! It's my birthday. I'm turning 35. Christ. I can't have a beer outside.

I can't have an IPA with a Mrs. That guy has a margarita. I know that's a margarita in that to-go cup. Tasing you. All right. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet, hosted by us. I'm Amir.

I am Josh. Another one of those Monday AM recordings, because you got back late, late, late, late night last night, and you were late, late night last night. And you were thirsty. Late night last night. I was thirsty. I was dead thirsty. I was tired.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't hack it. I couldn't hang. But now I'm back. I'm up to 60% after a full night's sleep. I only feel a little sad. 60% of my normal mental acuity. And that's all I need.

That's the best it gets, man. That's the best it gets, man. That's the best it gets. So 60 is the new 100. Yeah. 100 is actually just 6-0. Yeah. Just barely not failing. That is what I got in English class in 10th grade.

That's what I got in algebra class in 11th grade. It's what I got in algebra class in 11th grade. And that was, oh, and then it's what I got in bio in college. Right. Yeah. So, life today is the D minus you've been getting your whole high school academic career, I guess. Yeah. Yeah. No, that's true. I did get a lot of Ds. A D. Are you happy when you get a D because you didn't fail, or it might as well have been an F? It might, I mean, to me, I'm like, I didn't fail. I think that's, I don't think, yeah, no, I was not happy. My parents thought that was failing. I mean, they knew it was failing. It is, it's not technically failing, but it was failing it is it's not technically failing but it is failing you know you shouldn't be getting a d it's a d in our school that hard it's really not that hard yeah they're trying to make it so you don't get a d like they're they're begging you to not get d's yeah they don't want

you to get the d that is not that's not where they want you to be b would be great yeah b goes on the fridge i got an 85 that goes on the fridge okay that's a fridge great for me who is the best student of all your siblings did anybody have like a 4.0 yeah rachel rachel graduated number four in her class you know not quite valley or sally you know but four from the top pretty damn good it's funny when they have like rankings because like you know my sister my sister's ranking whatever whatever it was whatever mine was and then like whatever micah's was but the triplets their rankings were like it was so easy to compare them because they were all in the same grade at the same time yeah and it was just like you you know you could just see who was the

best student my school didn't have rankings i think that's a public school thing it's weird that they still have that they just straight up put a number on your report card being like you're the 38th best student at this school yeah it is kind of crazy but and actually now that i think about it i don't think my school because i graduated from a private school i went to public school for a little bit but uh i don't think i don't think i knew what my ranking was and actually like but it was probably top 30 but only 40 kids graduated so that's good in pub in private school you pay a lot of cash and then on the report card they just put you were third regardless of where you were and you're like

that's awesome i paid tens of thousands of dollars and i got to read that i was third whether you are or not yeah i mean that's definitely how it works and by the way you're not getting the d's in private school. They'll make sure of it. No, I got one of my D's in private school. Really? Yeah. No, yeah. It can happen.

It can happen. They don't want it to happen. If you believe. That's the weirdest one. When you're failing in private school, your parents are extra mad. Yeah, because they're paying for you to fail. In public, it's like, at least I'm're paying for you to fail in public it's like at least i'm not giving you money to fail in private school it's like i'm paying thousands of dollars you're costing

my cash i moved you to this school because you were having problems and now they persist and i'm going broke and did you feel bad or were you like whatever sucks. I'm not supposed to do good. I felt bad. I didn't ever, yeah, I definitely always felt bad, but not for very long. I wasn't a good kid. I'm a privileged little shit. I'm a piece of shit.

I started practicing my Zippo lighter tricks, so that's where my focus was. Yeah. At least I'm good at something, Mom my pants on fire fuck no my jinkos i should at least get a b i did light the jankos speaking of b we have a question about bitcoin with a b oh very nice very nice. We are experts in that. Yeah, remember Bitcoin? I do. Finally, something that predates our podcast. We'll call this person... What was the one that got hacked?

Goki? Oh, yeah. Mount Gox. Mount Gox. Let's call this guy Gox. All right. It's actually a lady. Okay.

Whoa. Yeah. Gender much? That's really offensive. I know. That's actually really, really fucked up. Actually, it might be a man. The name is sort of, yeah, again, European, potentially androgynous. So we can call this person genderless.

Gox. Matthew Gox. Right. You've spoken of bitcoin briefly before i believe it was a mere unsolicited device at one point well i've taken an interest in bitcoin myself for a lot of reasons but mainly because our global financial system is in collapse and the dollar sets the standard for that system and the dollar continues to plummet in value as millions have been printed in the last five months bailing out the rich but devastating the poor and unemployed so my question is that's a very thorough recap of what happened in the last

six months do you think buying do you think buying bitcoin is a good idea do you see it as less of an investment opportunity and more of an escape plan i'm curious to see what your thoughts are and what the general attitude slash acceptance of Bitcoin is in the biz. Hopefully you're not buying shit coins later. Gox. Okay, Gox. I have not paid attention really to Bitcoin at all since I got in. It's been going up recently, actually.

As of the time of recording, it's over $11,000, which is a new-ish territory after it collapsed all the way down to like $3,000 last year. And it had ballooned up to like $25,000 at one point, right? Yeah, or almost $20,000. It went from like $20,000 down to $3,000, and now it's sort of in the middle of those two numbers. Is there... okay, yeah. Well, what are your thoughts? Well, he asked if it's a good idea.

I think it's fun to put not like any sizable amount of your money in Bitcoin, but like a little bit just to like have fun and be able to track it and be excited when it goes up. And you can buy in, like you can buy a fraction of a Bitcoin. Like you don't have to have $11,000 to buy one right now, yeah either and there are most most apps like

investment apps let you buy cryptocurrency now because oh yeah you can like buy shares and little segments of a bitcoin you don't have to you can buy like a hundred dollars worth interesting yeah i mean it seems like buying bitcoin or buying shares of it like i i guess i would advise anyone not to invest a huge chunk of their money in so volatile uh a stock or a currency you never know what's going to happen yeah um there's a there's a documentary on like all of the cryptocurrencies that's probably worth watching before you do any of it too. But if it's just shares and you want to get in

and you have an amount of money that you're okay not touching for a long time or not having access to, whether it goes up, down, or disappears. Or around. Yeah. It doesn't seem like it's that much different than buying Tesla stock, which is a very volatile stock but it's yeah killing it right now you know right the general idea is like put the money that you're you'd be okay losing all of so like if would you be okay if bitcoin

went down to zero tomorrow would you still be able to afford things just as much as you can now or cannot now then yeah go for it you have how many bitcoin you have 48 000 bitcoins right so yeah so i got into it when it was like 32 cents or something so i bought i bought well i bought 50 000 bitcoin for like a couple thousand bucks okay and then when that ballooned to 20 000 i was a uh bitcoin billionaire basically i had like i think 1.1 billion uh right yeah i was just doing the quick some back of the napkin math so you had a bit you were a billionaire i was a bitcoin billionaire for like from january or so from december of 2017 to january 2018 and then i i moved my heart i moved out all to a hard wallet because i didn't want to get hacked

and i the darndest fucking thing happened i was making have you ever made like chicken stock like from scratch like chicken broth you put like bones and vegetables in a slow cooker and stuff oh i haven't no i haven't personally done that but yeah jill's done it i've seen i've seen it yeah i know like in a slow cooker right yeah And I guess it's very good because it's like, it doesn't take a lot of digestive strength, but like you're getting all the nutrients. What happened to your... It dropped in the soup. The hard wire, the hard wallet, the trezor dropped into the soup and it melted.

I was ruined. What? What, man? You had over a billion dollars. I had a little north of a billion dollars worth of Bitcoin. And you can check the ledger. It's called one of history's greatest blunders. You can see exactly where those coins would have been on the universal ledger, this blockchain.

So I actually tattooed the numbers onto my ass so that when Uncle Sam, because I'm still paying taxes as though I have that billion. Right. So I owe close to $400 million in back taxes, and that's cash that I don't have. Nor will you ever. Ever.

That is a once in a lifetime. You won the lottery to have that money in the first. You'll never have your your room lotteries yeah 10 lotteries i won 10 lotteries and i dropped all the tickets into your utterly garbage disposal your your great great grandchildren will be in debt yeah so instead of having generational wealth i have generational debt every person that i bring into the world will come in with a negative cash above their head floating forever and they'll never be able to your babies are delivered by a creditor they're carried directly to a sponging house a creditor and a predator got together and

made my children and now they owe half a billion dollars because their great-grand-uncle dropped a fucking treasure in a broth. How is that okay? This is such a messed up system. To bear the Blumenfeld name is to bear your great-grand-uncle's shame. FireUpMyAncestry.com. I want to look at this shit again.

I want to see into the future see what the hell's going on if i if you scroll down past me um i will also say that there are non-bitcoin cryptocurrency that you can invest in quite easily ethereum is has also gone up from like has a 200 range i wonder if i even still have that delta wallet that you made me invest like a thousand dollars in those stocks and i lost it all that was that was a weird month that was about a month saying you were i was buying yeah i was buying alt coins which are like anybody can make up a bitcoin a cryptocurrency i just fired up my my delta wallet so i've i lost my initial investment i'm down fourteen hundred dollars in this in this fucking venture but i still have that's right yeah no i

still have three shares of tron yeah there was this month like two and a half years ago where everybody was buying like like wait a minute bitcoin's at ten thousand but all these new coins are still at like four cents, 2 cents, 1 cent. So I'll just buy 10,000 of them, and then when they become worth $10,000, I'll be a billionaire. But then most of them disappeared or died. I read that wrong. I lost $500 on Tron.

I have 3,700 stocks, or 3,700 pieces of Tron. So if anyone out there listening just starts buying and selling Tron, maybe we can manipulate this market. The best part is like when all that stuff was happening, all these like just crypto dumbasses were like, I read a lot about Tron and it actually makes a lot of sense what they're doing. It's like, do they or are you just an 18 year old who's like down to get rich? So like, you don't really know what Tron does. I don't think the makers of tron know what tron does no one it was

jesus yeah it's just like fucking penny stocks it's it's all it's the market propped on absolutely nothing anyone can make these things that's right it was a house of cards and then like bits but why is bitcoin any better than because more people have bought into it? Yeah, more people trust it, more people bought into it. And there's actual real-world applications of it. You're not buying anything with Ripple, but some businesses do accept Bitcoin. My laundromat takes NavCoin, actually. Really? You have to fire up the NavWallet and do a fucking load of whites.

No, I did lose close to a quarter trillion dollars. At one point, I owned 90% of the Ethereum in the marketplace. I strutted around like I was the king of this virtual world king you were on a private jet as it crashed and you had been i guess so rude to the pilot because you tried to come into the cockpit that he landed the plane when he found out you were in ruin and he just he he booted you from the airport he just tossed you uh-huh jazzy jeff style onto the tarmac uncle phil style to jesse jeff you mean yes that's right uh yeah so give it a shot i don't know what apps are good for it nowadays i still use coinbase though i hear they're bad so uh do some do some research into that gemini as always when it comes to financial advice uh don't listen to us yeah jake did and he literally lost thousands of dollars yeah that's

true uh what do i know yeah take it from me who learned the hard way uh all right let's take a break i'm gonna check on my alt coins and we'll be back after these messages thank you to draft kings for sponsoring this episode of our show hey yo draft kings the nfl is back that's correct and the best part of football season is checking out the post-game stats i want to know which whiteout scored more than two tutties which qb threw for less than 350 yards and if you think you can pick who will do what before the kickoff then you should play pick six from draft kings which is an official daily fantasy partner of the nfl wow so if you like watching football and it sounds like you do i do yeah i do a lot You should play pick six from DraftKings, which is an official daily fantasy partner of the NFL. Wow. So if you like watching football, and it sounds like you do.

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Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. Exactly. dot fm slash segments to fill out the audience survey that's right so if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online now is your chance to make your voice heard folks take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot fm slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back jake do you have any not this week man but do you me yes uh Not so much about this reality, but about a virtual reality that I've entered.

That's right. I bought an Oculus Quest headset and remote controls. Do you know what that means? I guess I know what it means in a figurative sense. Your slow decline is complete. It means I never have to talk to you again. Right. That's what I thought.

Because you're in the reality. You will leave this world for a better one. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't have to talk and deal with shit in the reality. I haven't paid my mortgage this month. Yeah. But that's not real.

What's real is VR. And in VR, I don't paid my mortgage this month. Yeah, but that's not real. What's real is VR. And in VR, I don't need you. That's the real world. You're the fake world. You have real estate. I have virtual reality estate, as in I can build a mansion with ones and zeros and then live in it virtually for the rest of my life. What are you playing? What are the games? Good question. So I just learned about it. I mean, we knew about it because Mars has been touting Beat Saber for years now, but I always thought it was a very difficult thing to get and set up and attach to a PC. So it was like a little bit beyond my pay grade.

Right. But then my buddy Sean got this oculus quest which is the same headset but it's not attached to any computer because the computer is built into the actual headset so you just put on this headset and you're in the universe you're already there does it come with games in it on it so there's instead of games really there's apps so some of the apps are free like a vr chat where you can walk into any world and chat with anybody who's in this world or universe. And there's like rooms that- How do you chat?

You just, you're literally, you put on the headset and then it's like, where do you want to go? And it's like the Seinfeld apartment, a cliff in Iceland, underwater, on the moon, in Mars, floating in space. And then as you choose that room, there's other people who have chosen that room anywhere in the world. And you're're just floating walking up to them and talking to them so like i'm a giant fucking david the gnome and i walk up to someone who's like a garfield the cat and i'm like hello what's your name and it's like hi i'm whatever mr trigger man from spain or whatever are you typing or talking talking it's a built-in microphone video thing so it's like an old aol chat room but come to life and you're just talking you're ah that gives me

so much like anxiety i would be so nervous yeah well that's one thing you could do is this vr chat but then there's also like beat saber and then there's also this game i've been playing called super hot which is right up your alley which is like you're just in a white void and you see a gun on the ground and you pick it up and then there's like red robot mannequin men's who are like all have guns in front of you and they don't move unless you move so if you go to shoot them they all go to shoot you but if you don't move at all then they don't move so as you like slowly lift up your gun and point it to his head he's also doing the same thing to you but then like

if you don't move at all the bullet comes out really slowly so you can avoid it and then like as he shoots you you shoot him in the head and his head explode and falls down and then it's like on to the next level so it's like this john wick robot shooting in the head game and also as you shoot them, they throw their weapon up and you get to catch it with your other hand and like shoot another person. So you're just shooting people in the head, catching their guns,

shooting other people all in like matrix style, bullet time, slow motion. Are you standing up? Are you dancing around the room? Like, have you cleared space for all of this? Yeah.

You need like a six foot by six foot rug um that's relatively empty so that i use it right behind me here have you like stubbed your foot on a desk at all like are you pretty yeah just like you're not jumping around the room yeah not jumping and dancing but like i'm reaching for like a machine gun on the floor and i like hit my computer i'm like oh shit it's like very and then i like look up and it's like oh i'm just alone in this fucking empty office and then it's like all right back to being the fucking man this john wick god violence man do you love it uh i've been having a really really fun time learning about it and some of the games are super enjoyable like this super hot game another Another example of a fun thing. Once a day, there's an NBA game that's broadcast on Oculus VR

rooms, or events, they're called it Oculus events. So you can basically put on the headset, join the crowd, which is like a virtual crowd who's watching this game courtside. So it's as though you're on the floor, you look to the left, you see one basket, you look to the right, you see another basket, you turn around, you see the virtual crowd. And Ben Schwartz, who also has this Oculus headset, was able to join the event and sit next to me. So we're watching this virtual, this basketball game, that's a real basketball game going on, like you're watching on tv but it's as though you're on the uh on the court and the players like running by you and then if i look to my right i'm seeing an avatar that's ben who's looking at me and we can like talk to

each other during this game that's happening that's wild wait does the avatar look like ben or is it a garfield thing uh it can look whatever whatever you want like he has looked like a a pilot with a parrot on his shoulder so can you make them look like you if you wanted to yeah you can choose their outfits for every app you can choose like the outfit the hair the glasses basically like a me interesting and the the quality of the game like does it feel like you're watching on a headset are you getting like i feel like anytime i've worn VR headsets, I like get a little dizzy. Or does it feel like you're, does it feel like you're there? It feels like I'm there.

And then I have gotten dizzy before in games where I'm walking. There's like two types of motion when you're walking in a game. One of them is like actually like walking, like smooth motion. And that gets me very motion sick. And then some games have a teleport where you're like, I want to go over there. And it just like snaps to you being over there. And that makes you feel less nauseous. How do you go over there? Do you guide it with your eye? Do you have controls on your hands? Yeah, you have these two almost like Joy-Cons, like little remotes that each have a D-pad, so you're pressing up and it moves you.

And it also has a trigger, so you're holding it and shooting it like a gun in games where you have a gun. Jesus. Okay, have you tried porn? I have not, though I hear good things. I don't know which app porn is, but there's like YouTube VR, so I'm guessing there's Pornhub VR where it's like completely immersive. Wow.

I'm only interested in it for the porn, I think. Well, that's the thing. The universe is so vast. There's games, there's apps, there's social media things, there's YouTube experiences, there's poker games, there's like there's games there's apps there's social media things there's like youtube experiences there's like poker games there's porn it's like it's almost like a new type of it's not just like a nintendo where it's just nintendo games it's almost like a new type of computer that you can wear and i i just wish i could like test it i you have to i have to buy this thing and and you but you're saying there's nothing like crazy to learn like i can just unwrap it plug it in put it on my head and i'm there yeah that's

what that's what i sort of learned recently which is like i thought it was too technologically um advanced to get into because like i don't even have a pc and i don't want to like attach whenever i saw mars set it up at the office uh it was very complicated to me. But this is literally just like a headset that you put on and you're in and like it throws you into like this yurt in Big Sur. So like right off the bat, like you're tricking your brain into thinking you're in the wilderness. And so and it's like, it's picture perfect reality. Like it really because I feel like I've done. I've done like versions vr where i just like it feels like i'm in a video game and it doesn't like it feels like i would be getting the exact same thing

if i were just watching this on a really nice tv or something yeah the the tv is higher def so like the image on a tv is sharper but the fact that it's like you look to the left and look to the right and it's like you're still in the universe. It really does trick your brain into thinking that like for a minute you're not trapped inside your apartment or house. It's like a really good. My buddy Sean is like this is like the perfect thing to get during quarantine where like you can't move very much. Like there's an app where you put on the headset and you choose a movie theater and you're like in a movie theater lobby. And like there's a bunch of people around. Real people. They're virtual selves,

but yeah, they're real people in their houses and you can go into a movie theater and watch it on like a big screen and you look to the left and right and people are watching this movie with you and it can even be a 3D movie because the whole thing is 3D. Wow.

How expensive is it? What's the price point? What are we talking? It's not that expensive. It's about as much as a Nintendo Switch. Let me see. Oculus Quest 64 gigabyte is $399. Okay.

That is definitely less expensive than I thought it was going to be. It's not expensive. It's a big investment. But you don't have to buy a computer. It comes with a computer built in. Yeah. And yeah, it's good for, it's also like has like fun fitness types apps as well.

So like while you're playing Beat Saber, you're sweating a little and there's other like fitness related apps that let you dance or box or do whatever. Fitness apps are kind of cool i've been i used uh i do the peloton app here in in my apartment right i wonder if peloton has vr because that's sort of like if you put this on and get on an exercise bike must be insane yeah maybe a bike would be great because the peloton apps i do are like uh core strength ones so i would be afraid that like

i would definitely be afraid to do a burpee with a VR thing on my face. Yeah, it's a little heavy, so I wouldn't want to do like squats with it on my head. But everything else is a little bit of a workout. I would say I am, I think I'm kind of entirely convinced, honestly. Yeah.

There's no risk if that's what you're worried about. Like you get it, and at worst you just don't use it, of entirely convinced honestly yeah there's no risk if that's what you're worried about like you get it and if at worst you just don't use it but like at best you do use it sometimes and it's pretty awesome and the more of our friends are on it the more we can like use the social aspects like watching a basketball game together or watching a movie like you know have you done like a zoom movie night where it's like i'll watch watch it and I'll dial up the Zoom or Netflix party and don't pause. And when you pause, I'll talk and all this stuff. Right.

So this lets you like, I'm in a room with you so like I can whisper or talk or not while this movie is playing in a movie screen theater. Can the other people that you're in the theater with talk or you like have to be quiet? Anybody can talk, but you can also mute anybody. All right. All right. Yeah, I guess the risk is, I feel like I don't play my Switch anymore. I got like a month out of it.

That's not a good ROI on Switch. It's not a good investment because you never got into a specific game. You just need to get into one specific game but i think the the quest has enough games and free apps that would keep you interested right i guess maybe now i'm feeling like the risk the bigger risk for me is that i is that i get sucked in and i don't come back can you you can't stream any of this on your twitch right i think you can because it just has to be on my tv and

the oculus itself comes with like an app that lets you stream on the phone so like if avital is playing beat saver i can see what she sees on my phone or cast it to my tv oh so you can you can play these things together that's nice yeah well i'm not really playing i'm just watching what she's doing right right that's yeah that's what i meant right to play together i would need to also get a second headset which you can do that yeah you can buy i mean you can just buy two headsets and you guys would both be there that's interesting okay and if i bought one me and you and ben could go to a basketball game yeah there's one game every day where like you can just sit down and basically feels like you're watching from the third row. And you can sit down next to anybody you want who's also in the theater.

That's crazy. All right, sweet. I'll buy it. Great. Use my coupon code. Really? You have a coupon? I figured.

Yeah. Well, the thing actually costs $2.99, but I was going to buy it for you and say it was $3.99. So why don't you send it to me and I'll send it to you. Wow, you piece't you yeah i just saw that wow you piece of shit don't look that up that one's not good it's used or some shit let me buy one for you oh shit it just went up venmo me seven thousand dollars every time a video game or a dungeons and dragon things like gets delivered to this house jill doesn't it's not like she's mad or upset but she just looks at me with pity in her eyes yeah i i'd be really sad if she came into this room and just saw me dancing in a vr headset yeah there's nothing sadder there's there's a huge disconnect

between what you see you're like immersed in this fucking john wick world where you're like blowing people's face off and then like cut to someone watching you and it's just you're quietly on the floor wearing a headset in your underwear and like a dog position being like oh shit this is we did a cold uh one of the cold opens in lonely and horny was was this that's right predecessor that was the the og that's where i first fell in love that's right you and mia malkova uh but yeah highly recommend it especially again for these times where you're like stuck in stuck inside for 90 of your day right okay i'm done i'm in sick and i am sick no i uh yeah i have a low grade fever 102.6 so shitty you have that

uh all right let's try to get to more questions here enough selling you on virtual reality i'm sold okay good uh this guy has an ugly laugh oh so we'll call him janice like the lady from friends with an ugly laugh i remember that janice writes hey dudes a couple years ago i saw a video of myself laughing and i thought oh my god i'm an ugly laugher oh no it's hard to explain but I kind of look like an exaggerated version of Jake's Tom Cruise laugh impression in that I retract my head into my neck, creating something of a quadruple chin. My top lip also rolls up, exposing my teeth and too much of my gums. I was horrified when I saw this, but assured that I was just being self-conscious, and that laughter is an expression of joy, so no one will notice her care. Fast forward to a week

ago, and I was laughing with a group of friends, and one said, has anyone told you that you look weird when you laugh? Immediately... Oh, that's so sad. Worse fear confirmed. Don't worry it's just your joy everyone tried to do immediately everyone tried to make me laugh to see my quasimodo ass face in action but i was too embarrassed to laugh so they all dropped it and moved on but now i feel like an idiot because everyone noticed my ugly laugh my question is should i try to change it? Is that even possible to do? Should I just try to embrace my fugly laughing face? Have any of you guys tried to fix a mannerism because it was off-putting to the common man? Thanks for the advice.

Ned. A mannerism feels different. Like, laughter is like an involuntary reflex. Yeah. That's just... Maybe you can change your laugh. I think that was a premise of a Jake and Amir, right? A new laugh? There was a new voice for sure.

A new voice. But I don't know. Yeah. New voice. I wanted to talk like this. So do I. This is my voice. Yeah.

Can you make that? Can you just talk in a voice your entire life and then have that be your voice i think you can definitely change your voice way easier than changing your laugh changing your voice is nothing i could do that laughter is impossible yeah i once tried to i once tried to change my smile like i would smile with just my top teeth and i thought it looked weird that like and you you wanted that to be your smile i hate it that's what my smile used to be really yeah top teeth only like that was just your involuntary smile yeah well i don't know if it's involuntary because like when you smile for photos it's not like it's almost like a smile that you reserve just for photos you don't actually smile

like that yeah so then i went like this slightly mouth open that's what i do yeah yeah yeah show the whole all the teeth both rows every single one it is so stupid to smile and you have to smile like nobody wants to see a photo of you where you're not faking joy stand over there and smile now look over here and smile you have to smile when did it like the the earliest photos got it right that was just like it was like hey we're gonna take your picture like just look like you always do look normal you don't have to look happy i'm fine today i don't have to i'm never i'm not just smiling walking around like this well i think the picture mostly most of the time now are like

capturing a moment you're like you're trying to capture a feeling and then like everyone's happy everyone's having joy and then it's like okay now it's time to pose for a photo but stand in a row yeah so it's sort of but it does the it does the moment a discredit a disservice if you don't smile because you're like this is a nice moment so you have to sell it with the smile say cheese tricking your kids into smiling by making them say cheese cheese i wonder what came first, smiling or cheese, saying the word cheese. Probably smiling, because that seems like a natural thing, and cheese is just like a word in the English language.

I don't know which one came first, and I don't think anyone really could ever prove that fact. I know why you got a D now, because you would posit these absolutely moronic questions in the middle of bio, was it? Did you say you got a D in bio? What came first? Yeah, my question was about how this cell changes. The chicken or its leg? Nice. Taking a bite out of a turkey leg in the middle of class. Yeah, you can't eat that in here i like an ugly laugher i think that that's i like i prefer that because i i feel like when i'm watching somebody laugh ugly i'm like

wow that person is fully committed they're in the moment there's no vanity there the reserve is gone i think there's something beautiful about it so bail has lifted yeah take take that within your heart and go forward. I don't think you should change your laugh. I think you should embrace the ugliness because like when you're doing your ugly laugh, that's how your friends and everyone you love will know that they got you to really laugh.

Like, you know what a courtesy laugh sounds like, you know what a fake laugh sounds like. Anyone could do that. So this guy could change his fake laugh to to being something else but then your friends are gonna be like yo you just gave me a courtesy laugh and i know because your real laugh is ugly and you look normal when you did that and then you could be like yeah i gave you a courtesy laugh and you're being an asshole to me right now calling my laugh

ugly so i don't feel bad about giving you the courtesy laugh okay or what about this or oh the kawaii leonard laugh that way it's sort of like you're laughing but like you're kind of accidentally shitting yourself at the same time and you think that'll be an improvement from his laugh? I can't stand looking at you when you do it. Are you laughing or are you constipated? Are you happy? Or does your asshole hurt?

I'm a hot laugher but an ugly shitter. So when I laugh, I also look like Tom Cruise, but it's not like an impression. It just looks like him sprinting in Mission Impossible 5. But when I'm on the can, I look like a fucking turtle. Like I look like Mitch McConnell. I get glasses and no chin.

On the can, I'm the man. I would love a video of my face while i'm shitting thoughts my birthday's coming up what the fuck are you suggesting to me do you really think that i can do that your birthday so i'm not suggesting anything i'm just telling you that my birthday is coming up and i'm telling you about a gift that i would love to have which is a fucking glory hole picture of you taking a shit your face while you're taking a shit just timing that setting that up off while i'm taking a shit. Just my face. Timing that. Setting that up. Locked off while I'm taking a shit. A one by one.

Perfect square of the face. And that's what you want. You talked about potentially getting. What about the VR thing? That seems like a good gift. Like it's something that you wanted to dabble in. It's like a pretty expensive price point. Something you're not really willing to pull the trigger on quite would you rather have the vr headset or uh the picture of yourself taking a shit as a square

i think one of them is a little more thoughtful i won't say which one but i will say that i'd really love to have a video of my face while I'm taking a shit. A video now. You want a video. You want a fucking hidden camera video of your face. Not even a picture anymore. You want like an eight. Can I frame it up with you knowing it or does it have to be done in...

I'd like it to be a surprise. I'd like it to be a surprise. It won't be. It won't be. Your birthday's in two days. I can't surprise you with this video. I have to actually convince your fucking wife to take a video of you taking a shit as a gift. How is it going to be a surprise for you? She's going to be in there.

That sounds like an interesting plan. I was wondering how you would do it, but getting Jill involved would definitely work. There's not a lock on her bathroom. She would never. she would never do that are you insane and nor you nor should you let her or want that and then once i have the video what do you want with that i have a fucking video file of you taking a dump that's your gift congratulations check your email and it's a video of you taking a shit your face yeah i was gonna say if it's well because i want it to be high res it'd be i would do like a we transfer a google drive okay high res like like an iphone video yeah 1080

ideally but i don't want to talk about it anymore because then i won't be surprised okay we're getting too much into the weeds here and look if i wake up on my 35th birthday and i have a video of my face while i take in a shit, then that's awesome. Why? Maybe you do a re-transfer. Don't worry about how I'll get you the file. It's not going to happen. Why do you want it?

I don't want it to be compressed is all. Yeah, you'll have it uncompressed. I won't compress the video of you taking a shit for your birthday i want it hd styley so so it has to be more than an iphone i have to fucking set up a dslr in there or something an iphone iphone has some really high quality if you have a dslr it would be i don't prefer okay okay then then why bring it up i didn't oh my god now you're mad at me because the video of you taking a shit wasn't fucking shot on a nice canon it was shot on an iphone which i'm also not gonna do okay oh yeah you're not gonna do it i love it that's perfect because i do want to be surprised so you're not gonna do do it. I love it. That's perfect because I do want to be surprised. So you're not going to do it. Okay. No expectations.

Yeah. All right. Don't change your laugh. Yeah. Don't change your laugh, but you should change your attitude. Wait, me or him? You. Oh, fair enough.

Yeah. Your laugh is beautiful and so are you. All right. That was our show. That was our ep. If you have your own questions or theme songs, send them all down to ifiwereyoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was, I don't know if you remember,

it was the Sigurd, Sigurd, Sigurd, Sigurd, Cocaine Lemonade, who's got an EP called Cocaine Lemonade coming out. And this closing one was written by a guy named Eli Schmiren. Eli Schmiren. It's hard to pronounce names. I hope I'm doing it right. He said, everybody should be donating to whatever organizations support Black Lives Matter. But since I think a lot of people know about it, I'd like to plug votesaveamerica.org, where you can take action in different ways

to help kick Trump out of office. That would be nice. Great. Also, my friend Josh would want me to plug his YouTube channel, but I'm too lazy for that. All right, thanks, Eli. Sorry, Josh. Would you go by Eli or Ellie if it was E-L-I?

Eli. That's cool, yeah. Eli Man was E-L-I? Eli. That's cool. Yeah. Eli Manning style. Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Eli. Thanks to Sigurd.

Thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back next week. For more of us, check out the HeadGum Podcast on the HeadGum Network. Oh, yeah. That's right. And we're also on Patreon, making new videos every week. You can listen to those as podcasts, or you can watch them at patreon.com slash J-A. J-A, baby.

And we'll be back next week. See ya! Outro music Long time, no time Ass on that glass Hitler killed himself, Vicky, and history remembers him as a coward, Vicky Coward, Vicky No joke Borskin Borskin

Borskin Orskim. Orskim. Lesson. Two. And. Mirror. That was a hate gum podcast.