Segments - 447: Roommate Switch

Episode Date: August 10, 2020

In this episode we discuss Jake's tattoo, Amir's enemy, and a real crazy bride.For more of us on podcasts, check out THE HEADGUM PODCAST on the Headgum network.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Get 15% off your first Brooklinen order and save extra when you bundle. live hope to see you there nice try one more where where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit this part out but let's do one clean ad no you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what i'm gonna say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. If I were you. If I were you.

If I were you. The podcast show. We'd listen to you. If I were you. If I were you. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you The podcast show We're gonna start new

Starts now Beautiful, haunting rendition From an Icelandic friend You know this Icelandic friend. You know this Icelandic man who wrote this song and performed it for us? You do as well. That's Ragnar. The Ragnar?

That's right. Do you remember Ragnar? Yeah, he beat the shit out of me in Reykjavik. We were waiting to get in line to a party and I saw this fucking six foot eight inch Norwegian god and I said, what'd you get on your SATs, bro? And he uppercut me. He uppercut my

chin and he split my lip open. He did sort of like a suitcase, like a duffel bag he tossed you like you were a carry-on into the ocean. yeah fuck it's so good that this guy why are you keeping in touch with him because i thought we all agreed that he was kind of a kind of a jerk so you remember when he like he yeah because he grabbed you he like

grabbed you by both of your ears yeah did this like helicopter spin to see how far yeah i wish when i said watch this you fucked to the wrong bachelor party jake get this guy but you guys are all sort of chanting in perfect icelandic you're on his side i couldn't believe it yeah you know that like that really that like kind of like iconic like little hot dog stand oh yeah yeah yeah he he picked you up by your taint and he threw you through the window was that what that was? Because I had browned out. Yeah, at that point I had browned out,

but I woke up with a very bruised taint. So at that point for us, that was when we realized that Ragnar was the man. And we were like, He assaulted me, yeah. You're the coolest. And then we sort of brought him, he was like, he took your place

in and you said yeah and if you remember he also as part of a long con yeah he came to the wedding too because we became best friends with him i thought that was to set him up yeah i thought you were gonna set him up and then when he finally got to the wedding you said you would you were gonna say you fucked with the wrong guy and then you would have right you punched him or something but that didn't end up happening no no because you after your speech because i know we we posted your speech on our patreon so a lot of people have gotten a chance that was before yeah your best man speech before i removed myself yeah right so like it so what happened was after mars cut after the the camera stopped rolling, because your parents were there, he came up and he grabbed you by the grundle. The taint again, yeah.

He threw you into my wedding cake. So that was kind of an interesting highlight of the day. My dad. Even Jill got a kick out of that even my dad was applauding it was so fucked up yeah it was a standing ovation from from rivka and darone they loved i hated i hated that part yeah i hated that part of your wedding i thought this was the guy that was the best day of my of my life that whole wedding and i think that ragnar beating the shit out of you in front of my family and jill's family and your family was really up there with with the exchange of the vows in the ring and in spite of the moment that he beat me up or because of the moment no i think that was

my favorite that was one of my favorite i think that like that and me and jill's first dance is like probably the two my two favorites probably that over the dance was my favorite, was when he beat the shit out of you. I thought the dance was lovely. I really loved the dance. I thought the dance was really lovely. Thank you. Thank you.

No, we had a good time. It was a nice dance. I didn't have a good time. I woke up in an ER by myself, hearing tales of this this Icelandic Viking sleeping with my father. He's behind you. He's behind you.

He's walked into your zoom frame. Ragnar. He's got you by the balls. Not my taint. It's finally recovered. It's finally fine. So Ragnar wrote this, huh?

Do you have the email that I sent you? Yeah, he said, the theme song is a modified version of the one I used for my very own podcast called Calling Monroe. So if you could shout that out, I'd be a happy little boy. And if people like this,

then there's music that's nothing like it on Spotify under Bricks. But Bricks is spelled with the c and the k sort of inverted back switched yeah it's a typo of a band name yeah well i i hope you supported because uh ragnar showed us a great time in iceland um beating the shit out of you and taking us to cool bars and stuff it was was fun, yeah. It was really nice to have him there. And he saw the bricks, bricks spelled backwards. Nice, yeah, asshole.

Careful, careful, he'll come for you. Actually, I'm going to cut that part. I would apologize. Yeah, I would apologize. I think I would leave it in and I would apologize. I'm sorry, I'm not going to leave it in just because now I fear the worst a little bit. What if he hears that? He hops on an Iceland air flight or a while we're aligned.

Oh, shit. Would he do that? I don't know if he can make it. He would. He would. Did Corona reach Iceland or were they just sort of removed, isolated, and handled it well? That's a good question.

I feel like I saw on Ragnar's Instagram, like he was at a party recently. So either it reached them, and he's being very irresponsible, but that's not like Ragnar. That's not like my buddy. I'm going to pull up cases new. Oh, yeah.

So at most, they were reaching 100 per day in early April. And then between July 20th and August 3rd, they had zero new cases. So that must be nice to be part of. Yeah, that's really. They handled it well and they sort of took it seriously and locked down and acted accordingly and beat the virus, which is, it must be cool to be there to have it like that

so that they can sort of all band together and beat this with intelligent leadership. That's really sweet. At the same time, it's kind of neat it's kind of neat to be um a resident uh a citizen of the country that did it first yeah you know so they like yeah they peaked at 100 a day and we had uh 75 000 yesterday yesterday didn't we cross five million we have the most in the world right i think yeah i think that we have we have the most and we did it the worst and that's kind of like interesting it's a fun fact it's a fun fact because a lot of people got hit hard you know like shit was bad and it right you know it was bad in the uk yeah it was bad here but now it's like

okay now we're actually special we're special with how bad we are and that's kind of fun that's neat yeah five million total although if you look at the deaths we're number one there too so uh yeah that's also i think that's uh yeah i think it's kind of it's kind of fascinating to be ahead of the ahead of everyone else with how bad the response was. Because for some reason, our country made the mask thing. We choose for some reason, no one in the country agrees. We're just utterly split. And even on the things that you don't have to be split about,

it's like, no, we have to be split about it's like no we have to be split we disagree so hard with the other side yeah that that even when it's like common knowledge we got no we gotta we gotta we it's a political thing every time yeah like if trump was like you have to wear a mask would i be like this guy is so stupid and wrong i have to take my mask off i would rather die than follow his word and command was it the same the other way around i don't know i do i feel like if he pivoted and started like listening to science i think my brain would break but i think i'd have to agree with him i mean he did recently say that mariano rivero was the best pitcher and he is sort of your favorite pitcher too so like mike mcneese is my favorite pitcher

mike moose the moose is my favorite picture picture okay yeah i think mariano is great enter sandman yeah i like him i think i think mariano is good i i don't agree with his politics but i'm just saying that it could be sometimes that you and trump overlap a little bit yeah i guess we we overlap on liking the yankees he also likes tom brady which i finally i talked myself out of that though really i don't like the patriots i was a patriots fan for a long time and i kind of don't like them anymore. Wow. So you did a 180 there. Basically, your hatred of Trump made you dislike your favorite football team.

Yeah. Pretty cool. Who's the new Brady for you? Who's the new poster boy, golden boy? Go. I mean, I love, I guess, I really like Mahomes. Yeah, he seems cool. He's young and cool.

Probably liberal. Right. Totally. And I like, who's the, they were both in the Super Bowl. Who's the Giants quarterback? Wait, you mean the Niners quarterback? 49ers. yeah um uh fucked up oh jimmy g jimmy g yeah um i like him a lot too yeah he was he's sort of going to be the next brady he's young and handsome and good at football and he was br Brady's backup, right? That's right. And then they traded him because Brady got jealous and angry.

That's cool. And the 49ers are a nice, well, I guess they cut cap, so who knows. But I like San Francisco as a city. That's cool. It's basically, I don't give a fuck about football except that I don't like the Patriots anymore. It's weird to have no team. They were my favorite team and I wanted them to win all the time. And then you don't like the Patriots anymore. It's weird to have no team. They were my favorite team, and I wanted them to win all the time.

And then you don't have a favorite team, and it's like, well, I don't have like, I can't just come up with a new favorite team. I kind of like all of them. Like I like every single team except the Patriots now. So it's like a 31-way tie for first, and then a team that you hate. Yeah, and I don't really like the seahawks and i

don't and i don't know why because i should like them but i don't all right so 30 way tie for first seahawks in 31st and dead last is the fucking pats right i wonder if i if i don't like the books anymore though because now oh jesus. All right. It's probably... 29-way tie for first. Yeah. Seahawks in 29th, or 30th, Bucs in 31st, and Patriots dead last. That's it. I'm not going to amend it anymore.

That's your ranking. That's your power ranking. What? What? What other team do you not like as much as every other team i don't like the jets i don't like the jets at all i don't like the jetsons either all right so more or less than the seahawks would you say the new york jets medium didn't answer my question well let's say final answer 28 way tie for first the jets are

the 29th favorite seahawks 30th bucks 31 and lastly and dead last you don't have to think anymore colts it's a colt i hate the colts then where would the Patriots be? I haven't said. Patriots are my favorite team. Oh, no. I can't keep doing this, but fine. Here we go. Ever since they got rid of Brady. Yeah.

Ever since they got rid of that Trump-loving quarterback, I love the Patriots now. Now, don't dismiss the Las Vegas Raiders either. That's right. They moved to Vegas. Did they start playing in Vegas now? They start playing in l they start playing in this year yeah what a great what a great year to kick off the vegas raiders oh my god good news i'm playing for the vegas raiders no one's playing for fans the strip is a cesspool

yeah i can't go anywhere but it's fun to be here in las vegas the middle of the desert where everything should be closed it's super hot it's the only reason it's good to be in vegas is because you can go inside and party you can't do that now oh well uh all right this is if i were you the only advice podcast on the entire internet correct can you believe that yeah yeah well the only one hosted by us oh yeah the only one hosted by us i'm amir i'm jake i forgot about that one wrinkle yeah because there are other um right i think there's a lot of other ones yeah uh covid wedding somebody's emailing to write us are writing in question about a diva bride so we'll call this guy g gary room which is long for groom i believe it's a lady okay we'll call this one berry ride

short for bride my younger sister is getting married says barry in two weeks and i'm the bridesmaid which would be fine and normal except i don't know if you guys noticed but we're currently in the middle of a deadly pandemic even still still, I've seen others have small, safe, socially distant wedding. Well, not my sister. She is having a full wedding with almost 100 people. She doesn't think COVID is a big deal and even buys into the anti-mask ideology. Whatever the fuck that is. I'm a frontline healthcare provider and work in a COVID unit of a hospital.

And I see firsthand how horrible this illness could be. I'm extremely uncomfortable with all this. When I brought up my concerns to my sister, she scoffed and said, you better not, you better not wear a mask. And she wasn't kidding. I told her that I would absolutely be wearing a mask. And she called me a selfish bitch for making her wedding about me and then went on to say that if i do plan to wear a mask i'm gonna get kicked out of the bridal party and oh my god i won't be allowed in any family photos of course i'm incredibly hurt by this but i don't know what to do should i give in her into her and ditch the, or do I hold my ground and face the awkward pain of being an outcast for my own family?

I talked about this with my mom and other sister, and they both think that I'm being neurotic about it, and I should get over it and do whatever she says. Am I being neurotic? I mean, they're having a self-serve buffet for fuck's sake. What is wrong with these people? For context, I live in New York, not the city. Oh, and my husband and I got into D&D from NatPod, so I'll use my character name. Shout out to Bumble Stump. All right, Bumble Stump.

Hell yeah. I gave her a name for no reason, so that was Bumble Stump writing in. Okay, Bumble Stump. Oh, dear. Oh, my. Why don't we roll for it okay if they're they're into dnd oh my god they will respect the 20-sided die holy shit you just pulled that out of your ass what the hell are you doing carrying a fucking die? Oh, shit! Your ass. I have to pass it.

That couldn't have been good for it. Every night for dessert, I eat a die so I can have this cool party joke where I say, let's let the fate decide. I squat, take a shit, flick off the duty from the 20-sided die and there it is and it's like how do you how do you spell die is it d-i-e just like regular like you die that's how i would spell it yeah but doesn't it seem like it should be spelled a different way

like a maybe yeah 20-sided die or D-U-I-E or something. Yeah. Dice is a funny word. Dice and die. Yeah. Dice is good. Dice is nice. Dice is... It's cool to say dice, but it's weird to say die, a single die.

20-sided die. Yeah. All right. So, pull out your 20-sided dice. Okay. Here's my 20-sided dice. So, I'll roll it. and what do you want to say like just basically a coin flip zero through 10 she wears a mask 10 through 20 she doesn't well what about 10 there shouldn't be an overlap right 11 or 20 but i think it should

i think it should be weighted towards not wearing a mask or towards wearing a mask like i think that's should be a more likely outcome so maybe one through okay 15 she wears the mask we could also this would be i think this would be like a charisma based um role because it's sort of a performance it's's like what you're going to wear, right? Yeah. Okay, so we would add a performance modifier. I don't know what Bumble Stump's modifier is, but let's... Yeah, just fucking roll the dice. I don't know what the fuck you're saying. A charisma-based modifier? Just fucking throw the little...

You already shit it out. I'm going to throw... Just put it on the table. You! You don't, don't make fun of me for knowing about TNT, okay, dude? Because I'll get really freaking upset. You're already upset. Okay, no, we're going to give her a plus two to performance.

Okay. Is that fair? I don't know. So what does that mean? She has to roll a what here to go to the wedding without a mask without a mask she has to no all right she's got if we're waiting it towards the mask uh she's got a roll let's say she has to roll above a 10 but i'm gonna add plus two to anything okay so she has to roll a really shitty like one through seven for her to go to this wedding without a mask we don't want that to happen that's right so as long as i roll right

now above an about an eight or above okay she wears a mask to the wedding okay i rolled a 19 so she super wears a mask that the wedding. That's actually accurate. That was an accurate roll then. She should be at a 21 out of 20. Here's the problem. She shouldn't go to this wedding without a mask. And then so she's not allowed to go to the wedding. And then she's living in this weird fucking state

where like I find myself in sometimes where it's like, I don't want to wish sickness upon people. But at the same time, if nobody gets sick, then they'll be like, I told you so for the rest of their lives. So then it's like, do I, in the back of my mind, like wish one of these people who are like in my family get sick just so I could be like,

see, I shouldn't have come. You should have worn a mask. Now you're all mad at me and you're all wrong. I want the haters to be wrong, but the only way to prove them wrong is for them to get sick, and I don't want to wish them sick. So I don't know.

I'm torn. Yeah, it is. It's real tough. I hope nobody gets sick either. I guess I hope they get sick, but not with coronavirus, and they think they got it at the wedding, and then they're nervous,

and that's good, and they'll think they had it, but maybe they didn't, you know? I hope they just get a cold and freak out yeah or get a corona or get coronavirus but not die so but they're just inconvenienced for three weeks right but then you have a fever which isn't good like they're you can't wish for more people to have it because then it doesn't go away and it'll keep on. Somebody eventually down that line will die probably. So do you see like the concerts and like the Hamptons of like the chain smokers where it's like a bunch of fucking people partying to like DJ sets? And you're like, I obviously don't want all these people to get sick.

But at the same time, I think it would be okay if some of these idiots got sick yeah they're not they're not playing by the right rules yeah it's really not fair is it they shouldn't deserve the same health that i have i deserve to have a better health because i played by the rules this is me sort of complaining at to donald trump at a debate so basically when people are fine and they haven't followed the rules then you're wearing your sneeze guard inside out over my eyes and nothing else uh all right so i would say stand your ground you're on the right side of history and if they're if they're, if they need any, if they need any, uh,

somebody to talk to them, tell them I'll do it. I hate, tell them I hate science, but I still believe in coronavirus. That'll get them on my side. Out of a hundred people. It's,

it's a real shame. I bet that people at that wedding there, you're not going to be the only person that won't wear a mask. Oh, fuck it. No, you might be half the country. He doesn't do it.? Oh, fuck it. No, you might be. Half the country doesn't do it. So never mind.

Sorry. That's too bad. It's a shame. What are you supposed to do? I don't know. You're going to get ostracized from your family for believing in scions. We are so fortunate that we don't have to. Like, I don't have anyone in my life that would tell me

that I was being an asshole if I wore a mask. Like, it's the opposite, you know? What about it the other way around? Like, let's say you were getting together with some of your family members and one of your brother or sister was like, oh, I'm not seeing any of you guys until Corona's over. So, I'm just going to stay in my apartment and I won't see you guys. Would you be like, yeah, that's understandable. That's understandable that makes sense would be like why are you being such a scaredy cat it's no big deal it's fine i think i feel like i would say both of those things i'd be like oh you're such a baby but i understand so you wouldn't say you're a bitch that's ruining my family dinner. No, I think that I definitely, I respect anybody's like comfort level when it comes to coronavirus. As long as they're erring on the side of caution.

Yeah. But I mean, I think that I'm erring on the side of caution, but I'm sure that I do stuff that other people wouldn't do. Like I go outside, I ride my bike, I go on runs, I'm wearing a mask. But like there are people that are like, oh, you shouldn't even go to like a public park. You shouldn't like put your blanket down on the beach, even if you're 12 feet away from people. Just like don't bother doing anything. Stay inside. You're always.

And I respect that, but that's not my level. Like my comfort level is just like a little bit beyond it right to people that are taking it more seriously than you they're you're being very lax and irresponsible and to people who are more irresponsible and lax than you you're being overly cautious yeah i think i'm pretty much in the middle maybe on the cautious side of the middle yeah i bet I bet you don't realize. I think you're beyond, you're more cautious than I am. Yeah, I think so.

Like, you went to that rave, I would not do that. You went to a dentist office to intern. And I love dentists. You interned at a plastic surgery center. Elective, yeah. Just to meet new friends. I would not do that. I would obviously not do that.

All right, let's thank some sponsors. Come back and answer more questions on the other side of this break. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yeah. Jake, you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes. So you know how easy it is to use

their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well. Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI.

You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available. Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new. It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah.

It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters? Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you you think and it's not biz with a z so if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one build a store an online portfolio the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that coupon code segments to 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah.

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cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do and we're back jake do you have any oh Mom, I'm coming! That was gross. I have some very local unsolicited advice. Like if you live in New York City and you're looking for something to do. I went to Governor's Island this weekend with my brother and I found it to be very lovely. Let's do something more broad. Yeah. Okay.

You should research a local park that might be... Bigger. Yeah. Broader. Let's say no park stuff. None of that stuff. Let's just do something else. Something fresh.

Something that I wouldn't expect. Oh, okay. Something that'll make me go, wow, I never heard of that. That's actually completely new to me and then we spend like 10 minutes and you explain it to me in kind of interesting detail and let's do spanish let's do you speaking in spanish i was gonna all right just to change things up sorry not to put you on a spot or anything but yeah spanish this is absolutely putting me on this fascinating fascinating out of the box yeah yeah yo me gusta masturbating at 2 a.m like set

yo soy set an alarm for like um your name you said i am set an alarm uh the um uh dos and manana yeah tomorrow para fapping to be sorry yo what are you trying to say set an alarm i like to jerk off at 2 a.m so i set an alarm at 1 30 so i can have a little midnight or late night masturbation session but i like to go to bed early so i i go to i hit the hay at 11 and i set my alarm yo soy set my alarm i am set my alarm don't install on masturbate at two and love biblioteca yabish abla is uh jerking off while the world sleeps uh all right now what were you gonna say governor's island yeah governor's island was really nice i

went there with my brother you you take a ferry. It's like a five-minute ferry from Wall Street in Manhattan. And it's just this weird little island park in New York City that gives you crazy views of lower Manhattan. And there's good food, and there's restaurants and drinks and little parks and picnics areas. And it's really cool. I love it. Wow. Do people live there or is just... No. What I sort of learned just like on the plaques there was that it was like an old naval base or a military base like from like the 1750s. And it was like i think it's one of the longest active military bases because it lasted all the way up until like 1996 wow um so it's just like old

military buildings and stuff there but um but now they've turned the entire thing into a park holy shit a military base from 1750 you gotta think that nobody who actually used that is still alive today, right? Well, I mean, it was still being used in 1996, but yeah, the people that were on the base in the 1750s were... Yeah, because they would be... I mean, they'd be like 300 years old, but...

Right. Yeah, and what's the record three times like i think the record is like one 200 100 or something 120 to just say 200 i don't i'm saying that's probably the record or close to it like there's no way somebody who fought in the revolutionary war is still alive today is what i was saying but yes i agree are you saying that are you asking that is my i'm asking i'm asking i'm saying i'm saying it's probably true and it's definitely true if you think so right i don't think you're so scared to be wrong go out on the limb why do you like if you're so stupid you should just not even talk don't you think don't you think it'd be safer to not even

have an opinion yeah and i usually don't for that reason exactly but i'm just worried that because of my occupation i'll oftentimes i'm forced to speak and i'm like what if i'm speaking out of my death because of your occupation where you have to talk into a microphone at least once a week for podcasts you you're worried that you'll go out of your death depth yes yeah that makes sense right so like i'm like wondering and it makes me sad yeah it should you're because what if i'm dumb you are dumb you just thought that maybe somebody was served on a military base in 1750 and is still alive to talk about it whenever i watch a movie i don't know if it's real yeah you think everything's a documentary i think it's either real or it's harry potter and i don't think there's anything in between yeah you're you're stupid and also by the way your voice is a little

bad it feels like in a way i have a bad job to have because i'm forced to record myself thinking and talking a lot and i have a stupid voice and I have a dumb head. I should be literally anything else. Something remedial like cleaning a dish. You would think that, but I've seen the way you clean dishes as well. I'm not good at anything. One time somebody asked me to do something like a dirty work thing and I ended up punching them in the throat and i got arrested for it yeah so you're you're angry that's not even dumb that's

that's like yeah i'm sour you're you're a bad guy you're a dumb guy and you have a bad voice and you're you shouldn't be i shouldn't be a podcaster but i also shouldn't be anything else no i was gonna say you shouldn't exist you should vanish jesus oh my god you really think so i'm sorry man no i was kidding i'm kidding yeah i think you're awesome i was doing a bit i know i'm sorry hey i was doing a bit too I know. I'm sorry. I was doing a bit, too. Now you're... See, this is... You're actually upset. Like, I...

My jaw's wired shut for that. Shit. All right. Off we go. Or I should say, on we go. It kind of means the same thing, if you think about it. Off we go. On we go.

I don't know what happened at episode 500 that made you the worst co-host. I decided to do 180. As in, 180 days ago, I changed my personality for the worse. The next 500 episodes are me hosting with my new host, Troy. Hey, guys. No, that's me. I'm Troy. How do you do?

I'm bad, dumb, angry, and weird. So go to Governor's Island or the equivalent in your city of an undeveloped, or not undeveloped, unappreci underappreciated yeah underappreciated uh park you know like uh that's that that not a lot of people know about though yeah yeah find a park yeah and name it after yourself ideally that's right yeah name it after troy for troy on this person wants to hook his roommate up with a tinder fling wow okay oh okay how about we call him charlie because that's like a good dude name but it's still like a bro-y name so it's like charlie but he's still like nice that's super accurate i know a charlie just like that

yeah i'm a recent college dog's name parents' dog's named Charlie, actually. And Charlie's kind of a bro. My parents' little Westie. Yeah. He plays lax. Yeah. Yeah. That's right.

A recent college grad has been swiping right, and I met a pretty gal a month ago. Even amid COVID, we hit it off. We've hung out a bunch of times, and I hooked up a couple times now. But every time I see her, I can't help but think she'd be perfect for my roommate, who is one of my best friends. They share the same love of tattoos, they have a favorite TV show, and genre of rock music, none of which apply to myself. I even casually mentioned how much she reminded me of him during our first date, but not so directly that she'd remember. I honestly wouldn't have a hard time telling my roommate about setting him up. But how the heckles do i bring it up to the girl

that i met on tinder we've never discussed labels or anything but she seems into me and i her but i still want to pearl off this crazy stacky situation any advice interesting it is interesting i don't think you can do that i don't think it's well you can tell your roommate it seems weird to be like like i don't think you tell the the girl that and she's like oh dope yeah i should meet your roommate she would be like you're weird and i don't want to have anything to do with you. Or your roommate by association. So the best intentions are wasted here. Did I tell you that Marty kind of did this to me once?

Oh yeah, I vaguely remember that. He didn't actually meet and hook up with the person though. So it was little less fraught it was more like as soon as they matched he's like oh this lady seems up your alley not so much mine so then we ended up going out a little bit oh i wait do i remember this person probably not but it was a little easier because he had not met and hooked up with this person. Now that that's happened. I think that. What about this? I think all you can do is.

Oh, go ahead. What if you break it off? You're like, this isn't working out. And then you let like a few weeks, months pass. And it's like, by the way, I know things didn't work out with us. But would you be interested in dating my roommate? Then it's like, she's a little less over you or a little more over you, a little less into you.

And it's more easy to suggest perhaps you should go out with my roommate because now it's like better than nothing versus instead of me, him. I feel like that's just so much effort just to introduce this person, your roommate. Couldn't you also do it by being like, I'm not looking for anything right now, or I don't think this is a good fit. Do you want to just be friends? No roommate mention, just say, I think we're

better as friends. And then if that is your actual goal you know you can hang out with her as friends your roommates there maybe they hit it off like you thought but i don't think that you can be the matchmaker even after the breakup if he doesn't want to be with her anymore i think i'm even less likely to trust somebody like if i like somebody they break up with me two months later they come back and they're like you should meet my roommate i would be like no i don't i don't want to do that that's just weird shit what if he says i'll go out with you can like i'll basically let's go on our fifth date and the roommate shows up and he's like charlie something awful happened to charlie what happened he fucking slit his

throat oh no and then they have this fucking insanely intense night of like mourning you yeah and then the next the day it's like you want to know something random charlie's like low-key fine how fucking insane is that and then she's like what are you talking about we just spent 12 hours of all night mourning his loss yeah and now it is the morning and he's low-key actually like alive right now it's so he's low he's low-key right over there getting a breakfast burrito charlie charlie do you remember yeah do you remember ariana yeah charlie so she's walking away yeah that's right she's yeah the two options i would i would say i would say if you're not interested in being with her i think you can drift away from her and then suggest

it later you're saying it's not playing it. You're saying it's not bloody likely. I think that's playing it too long. I think it's not bloody likely, but I think you can say, let's just be friends. Let's hang out as a group, in a group that includes my roommate, and it might work out. But that's as good as you can do. It's as good as it gets. This happened to me once too, actually. What happened? this happened to me once too actually i what happened but like some somebody that i had dated

and then stopped dating hit me up and asked me to meet with like a friend of hers or like a roommate like tried to set me up with somebody and i didn't do it because i thought it was weird oh really even though you weren't going to be able to be with the one lady you didn't want to yeah like that ended. And then she was, she came back into my life and was like, you would, uh,

you should like go out with my roommate or my friend or something like that. And I was like, uh, no, but I think I didn't say no. I think I was like, cool. And then I,

uh, it never happened. Right. But if the friend was actually cool and attractive to you you probably would have done it right maybe I mean I I didn't even like I wasn't even interested in finding out if they were cool or attractive I like said cool and then it faded away or something like I think that that's just a a strange entry point into a relationship but i don't know kids are young so maybe that's all the rage these days maybe that's cool now what do i know i dab

break your wrist whoa you got your eyebrow repierced that's really cool dude i didn't notice that i have a snoopy tattoo holy shit it's calvin pissing on himself that's so interesting so calvin's pissing into his own mouth here yeah did you ever get your tattoo fully removed um it's kind of just faded it's it's mostly removed. I got the eight procedures of getting it lasered, and then that place shut down. And then there was another place that I went to, and I paid for a certain amount, and it still didn't get it fully removed. And then they were like,

I think you need like five more sessions and i was like that's this is this is good enough let's see it let me see how faded it is you won't be able to see it oh wow it's that faded yeah i can't see that at all look at that that's pretty pretty much gone and the other one is also gone the word yeah the word is totally gone that one's not there at all doesn't that mean you have to get it re-tattooed because it was like a family tattoo that you had removed that's right yeah i and i as soon as tattoo places open again i think i'm gonna get it wow what are you gonna get i know where i want to get it forehead i want to get it uh yeah i want to get it on my forehead backwards or forwards that's a good idea that's a good thought i think

backwards and forward so i can look in the mirror and see it and also just have people you gotta have it both ways i don't think so where are you gonna actually get it? On the back of my arm, back of my left arm, back of my bicep, near my tricep. Do any of your family members have it there? That's where my brother has his. Oh, so you're like, I'll just have that. And my dad also has his on his arm. Yeah. That's cool.

I might do that too then. Would you get the same word as me? Or, yeah, or the same root yeah whatever word i just or i can add because it's like a sentence right everyone in your family has a word from the sentence yeah that's right so i feel like and there's eight there's eight words in the sentence and there's although there could be maybe like and at the end of it or like oh what about if i get never mind so it undermines it undercuts the sentence so it's like do you mind me saying the sentence or is it like a secret it is always every summer in this house

or something like that yeah that's what it is and it is always every summer and then i'll get one that's a dot dot dot not really though so yours isn't even a word it's just it's just undercutting our family's it's the sentimental line from the poem that the whole family yeah that it means so much mine would say like mine would say like this poem's kind of broke actually like it would be like a little critique about the poem but it wouldn't even like i guess sure you could get that because you never have any of us and it wouldn't even, like, I guess, sure, you could get that because you never hang out with any of us. It wouldn't be interesting.

I would pay your family, I would pay everyone in your family to get it removed. Everyone would have a price, right? At a certain point. Like, you would do it for 80 grand.

So, yeah. So then everyone in the family gets it removed for a price. Yeah. We bleed you dry. We pool the money. We buy a family house or removed for, we bleed you dry. We, we pull the money,

we buy a family house or something that doesn't, you know, that, that we can cherish. Then we don't really need the poem because we have, we were able to, to use you for our benefit. And you would still have a, you would have a tattoo that said,

this poem's kind of broken, right? And that wouldn't make any sense because you would see people and they'd be like, what poem are you talking about? And then you'd be like, oh, it's this poem that I actually paid a family to have tattooed and removed from them. And they went and bought a house with the cash from that. Right. And now, right? So I have it right well i'm just thinking out loud that maybe

both parts of that plan don't have to coexist yeah yeah i don't think they do what if i gave your dad a million dollars to tattoo a shit stain where his mustache is he'd probably do it you'd probably do it new plan then i think i'll be doing that and i think i'll take out a loan you're you're like you're an anti-philanthropist you want to give your money away but but for a price and for a vice uh all right That's it. That's our time. Thanks for listening. We'll be back, of course, as always, next week.

If you have your own questions or theme songs, write them. Oh, yeah. To If I Were Your Show. That's ifiweryoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was Your Boy Ragnar. That's right. And this closing one is a newfound glory cover oh love that i love that for me lorne mince from toronto canada who has a youtube channel

called mystic falcon dope name very dope name with about two dozen he has a two dozen video game parody songs on it so check that out uh so thanks to lauren mince and his youtube channel mystic falcon thanks to ragnar thanks to you guys for listening for more of us you can listen to the head gum podcast on the head gum network we're doing one of those every week and then we also uh our patreon is still up and running over a hundred jake and amir watch jake and amir is on there now over a hundred that means we're an eighth of the way through so oh my god still plenty of content to come almost too much if you ask me almost too much and of course we'll be back right here right now but next week right see you guys soon bye i'm drunk and i'm dead for another night in a world that's just becoming too routine for me Am I ugly or am I just lame? I don't know what I should do

To fix my game Should I kill myself in a Starbucks? I know I'll email these two Jews Just maybe they'll help me And if not, well, at least they'll Make fun of me Hear my problem Shake and I'm here

And tell me How the heck Don't still be with me Should I be Cooler playing Or do you get I don't know what I'm doing Hope this podcast can help me

If I email it By word you Hope this podcast can help me if I email if I were you. Email if I were you. That was a HeadGum Podcast.