Segments - 449: Geoff and Reilly Lightning Round

Episode Date: August 24, 2020

Friends and fellow Headgum Podcasters Geoffrey James and Reilly Anspaugh join us to discuss their ideal height, their ideal compliment, and their podcast Review Revue!Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at headgum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that i'm like the star there's a reason i didn't have you say anything yeah because you're nervous you're skittish you're stuttering right now i'm a little so i don't want you in this ad at all i don't want

to be steamrolled but i know i won't be recording one in fact for you asking that i'm going to keep this part in don't this part is now edit part out. But let's do one clean ad. No. You will edit this part out. You will absolutely edit this part out. Tell you what. I'm going to say my fucking social security number. So you have to edit it out.

Okay? Let's hear it. 0913662. Now you have to edit it out. Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. Don't live in fear, ask Jake and Amir For advice on problems or quandaries

They'll help you out, without a doubt They're on your side and wanna help you win It's if I were you. Who knew what that song was a parody of? Weezer? No. Jake, what's your guess? I was going to guess it was a Weezer song as well. All right, incorrect.

Riley? Weezer? That is right. Yes! The way she said it with. The way she said it with confidence. Yeah. Gravitas. It's all about confidence. You can be wrong, but as long as you're just like, it's Weezer. It could not be Weezer, but then it is Weezer. But it is. Yeah. You made it Weezer. I made it Weezer. I would rather be wrong with style than write like a scaredy. Yeah, Weezer. And you have always said that. You have always said that.

That's not what I said. Yeah. That's not what I sound like. Actually, it was a song called AM180 by Granddaddy. That was the parody. I've never heard that song, I don't think. I haven't either. But I loved the parody, so I must love the original. But I'd probably like the parody. I've never heard that song, I don't think. I haven't either. I loved the parody, so

I must love the original. But I'd probably like the parody more because it's about me. Yeah. It has your name in it, so it's more exciting. It's better to parody songs that people don't know because then in a way they think it's an original. What I'll often do is jog to the street and kind of

bust that desk and I'll sing songs that people don't know. And then they think that they're originals. They give me cash in a hat. So, Amir, who is that song from? Do they give you a hat of cash? Sorry, we're having like two different conversations. They put cash in a hat.

Amir, I just want to know who did that song. I didn't say it was my cash or my hat. It was by Anderson Reagan. Anderson Reagan wrote the song. Awesome. That's really cool. He has a band, Magic Ray Gunagan anderson reagan wrote the song awesome that's a band magic yeah magic ray gun which is kind of fun because his name is anderson ray yeah yeah uh they released their debut ep on jake's birthday so it's available for streaming wherever you get your music they have hand-painted cds available on bandcamp with all the proceeds going to jeff you're mad and all the proceeds going to Jeff, you're mad

that all the proceeds are going to local bail funds. No, I'm not mad. What? What are you doing? You're spinning a yarn like you have an idea or something. Don't hold your face that way. You look like you're in a smoking jacket. I'm just sort of I am in a way so I'm just kind of like relaxing.

This is how I relax. You look like Scar from Lion King. Yeah. I'm not a villain. You look villainous. I'm just kind of like relaxing this is how I relax you look like Scar from Lion King I'm not a villain I'm chillin anyway thank you Anderson thank you Magic Raygun the band and yeah proceeds go to local bail funds so check them out on band camp what what is it Jeff we invited you

he's gone he's gone he's still here he just stopped the video yeah he's a non video participant slash He's gone. He's still here. He just stopped the video. He's a non-video participant slash lurker slash troll. So you'll still be able to sort of weigh in and wax. Wax and weigh in.

It's worse to not see you and just hear you. Wax ass pussy. Have you guys heard this new song? What's that? It's Cardi B and Megan Thee and they're kind of waxing ass pussy. What?

They're singing about ass and pussy. Man. This is what I feel like is gonna be the experience of Jeff when you die and you come back to haunt. This is how I feel like that gonna be the experience of Jeff when you die and you come back to haunt this is how I feel like that's gonna go I'm just gonna hear wax

ass pussy on the breeze and I'll be like that's him what age do you guys think I'm gonna die young or? hopefully cause you already act like a 40 year old at age 20 so by the time you reach 60 you'll look like 112 Jeff how old are you now?

24? 25? Oh my god, you put on a smoking jacket. Oh my god! Oh my god! I'm almost 23. I'll be 23 at the end of November. So you should appear this way.

Why do you have that? Are you recording? We're not even recording this videos but this is not a video all right okay it's fine because this would be the good thumbnail right for you guys to post to the insta all right fine i'm recording so this is jeff fucking rubbing his thumb and middle finger and index together in a way that what's the opposite of tickling it's making me nauseous to see it finger and index together in a way that what's the opposite of tickling it's making me nauseous to see it and you're also in a velvet smoking jacket but

you're not smoking anything it's like my nipple my nipple is literally out right now and i'm not the worst dressed person on the room and that's cool oh no you're the worst dressed you're the underdressed i am the overdog that's someone who people expect to win but doesn't. What is that? You didn't say anything interesting. The overdog is... You don't have to say things of substance. If you dress in velvet, you lean back and kind of rub your fingers together.

People think what you're saying is interesting. Did you pull that from like a costume box? Your mic fell. Yeah, your microphone fell you're in a closet is that where you are this is my childhood bedroom do you have like a little dress up box that you got that from

I don't stop going back to the pose you keep returning to the uncomfortable pose I'm standing I mean I'm sitting on a stool so it's not comfortable no matter how I What's the muscle tone balance done? What do you have the microphone on?

It's on my laptop. I would show you the setup but then the mic would fall again. Wow. Right. It would. It would fall again. And don't rub. No more rubbing of the fingers. I don't have to see that. It looks like you're waiting for something. I am waiting for the episode to start all we've

talked about so far is a fucking parody of a song and then this jacket i don't know why this bothers you guys it's obviously hot you obviously wanted us to talk about the jacket you left you turned off the video to put it on you know what this is an absolute ambush i don't appreciate it right it is an ambush you brought this on the three of us. You ambushed us. You did ambush us. A one-man ambush? I don't think so. That's a man ambush. Stop!

I tweeted, I tweeted, asking for questions. Quick hits. We can go around lightning round style, trying to answer as many as possible. Just to get us started, here's a quick and easy one and jeff you don't have to think too hard these are supposed to be like boom in and out you don't have to say i just can i air a grievance can i air a grievance with how you tweeted it you tweeted uh we're having a guest on today or two obviously people are going to think it's ben and thomas

it's and then when when our names show up on monday it's going to be a huge letdown so you're setting us all these questions all these questions are gonna be about their netflix improv special how was it voicing bba i don't fucking care i don't fucking know what the crafty on space force was like fucker so i won't read that question i'll skip that one let's i might be able to weigh in all right what were you saying before i interrupted you said you said overthink the questions yeah don't do that sam tabachnik who's actually verified on twitter so treat this question with reverence because it's actually a reporter for the denver post how tall are you? And how tall do you wish you were? What the fuck kind of question is that?

Yo, what the fuck are you talking about? This is nothing. So Riley, you're 5'4", 5'5"? I'm 5'4 and a half. She's mad. So what? She almost nailed it. Exactly right. So what?

You kind of nailed it, but but like why does it matter what kind of fucking question is this if you're verified think of a better question than this nonsense all right you have a blue check so check your facts it's just like a fun way to get into like a silly conversation like um five four and a half but i wish i was five six and this is i wish i i do wish i was five six is that what i wish i i do wish i was five six is that what you wanted to hear that's exactly what i was gonna say are you happy all right why do you want to be an inch and a half taller why am i on trial for this i'm just curious i just it's like it's just it's it's it's it's it's it's what it's not i'm not as tall as i'd like to be i just want to be a little bit taller than i am

now not too much not too much just enough yeah i know an inch and a half specific god damn it is there god i'll go i'm willing to go next but is there anything else you wanted to get off your chest like with with like i just know because you're like rather you're kind of heated and yeah do you have a headache or something? You're rubbing your temple a lot. Now I do. What's this guy's name? What's this quack's name who sent in this question? Sam.

But you don't have to like do anything about it. Wait. It's also, it's Sam, but it's, I don't want to interrupt too much, but like Amir's the one that asked it and he sort of got on your nerves too. So if you needed to unload on Blumel. No way. You should feel free. It's like, I know it's not Sam's fault.

Like Sam asked a bad question and that's fine. Like he didn't know, but like Amir picked it. I don't think so. You have so many people who like sent in the questions. It was a softball.

Exactly. It was the way he picked it. It was the way he picked it. The way I picked it. It was the way you picked it. The way I picked it. The way I chose it. I honestly,

I don't want to like ding up on you. It was the way you picked it. It's it and it was the way i chose it i honestly how did i want to like gang up on you it was the way you don't it's like you looked on your phone you're like it was the way i'll pick this one like that's how you did it i'm your dude i'm your friend and i'll give it to you straight you know i will never like sugarcoat things for you it was the way you you were like how did i pick it how did i pick it you guys don't even know how i picked it you don't know how i farted so it's like that's how you picked it you did let go of gas you broke wind you broke wind and you yeah you you broke wind and you you passed gas you passed how tall are you only imagine the stank in the in the office that you're sitting in right now luckily luke's not in there luckily luke's not

in there for the audience's know-how next question oh. No, no, no. Everyone else can answer. How tall is... Jeff, are you part of the six-foot club? Are you a little shy, a little north? I'm 6'1", and I'd love to be 6'2", because 6'1", sounds bad. The only thing I'm afraid of is being 6'1". Not afraid of the boogeyman.

What? But I don't like my height. Yeah, I have this picture of us together, and you're seven inches shorter than me. I'm 11 yeah but that was me wearing boots that kind of boosted me a little way so you're shorter than 5 3 well that was when we that was when we did our show in cleveland was when jeff when jeff was nine oh i see yeah yeah oh he glowed up and growed up so you're six one is this a good time to announce the review review, if I were you, co-headlining tour, Cleveland, Ohio, June 2021?

That's right. Or are we going to sit on it? Let's sit on it forever, probably. That sounds like a terrible idea for a tour. Ohio only? Cleveland, yeah. So it's a tour that's all in Cleveland? City of bars.

Are you losing championships? We could really use a win, man. And you think Cleveland would get a win if me and Amir did our podcast there with you guys? He's doing the smoky jacket, velvet sort of. Jake, Amir, height, what are you, what do you want to be? Don't give Jeff attention for this. Six feet, and I want to be six feet six inches.

Wow, six six. That's so tall. Too tall. It's prohibitively tall. This is why you don't want to be too tall. You can't spoon comfortably if you're too tall or too short. Six foot to six four is ideal. My wife would be, you guys didn't ask me what Jill's height,

and my ideal height for Jill would be. Well, that wasn't the question. Because my wife would also be taller. That's the question at all. Okay, because I'm six foot six, but I also have an ideal height wife. Jillian's six foot three. With a flat head. How tall is she now?

That's actually a little bit of, it's a personal question, Riley. And I resent the way. She's not asking it. I resent the way. Matt R, whoever the fuck asked it. Matt didn't ask what my fucking, he didn't ask how tall my wife was.

That was something that Riley chose to do. You brought it up. It was the way you picked it. No. It was the way you picked it. I wasn't an emir going, oh, how tall is Jail? That wasn't wasn't how i said i know how tall she is 16 minutes right 17 minutes into the record and we're only one question deep she's five three right

my wife yeah i'm not sure i'm not sure you're not sure she's. Jillian. Yeah. How tall are you? Nobody's there. 5'4". She said she's 5'4". Okay. How tall is Avital? How tall is Daniel? 6'11". 5'7".

Well, Jeff doesn't have love in his life, so I can't ask him how tall your significant other is because you're alone. Nice. You're in a fucking closet. You're alone. You're wearing a smoking jacket you're by yourself and you're not fucking anyone in the world who gives a shit about you it's the way he picked it it's absolutely the way he picked it yeah it was funny amir height i'm i'm 5 11

i can laugh at myself i'm 5 11 and i wish i were 6 3 but you know what i would take sharing a life with someone over being 6'8". Like, what good is having a longer coffin if no one's going to show up to your funeral? Jesus Christ. Alright, ready? Asymmetry asks, other than Mario Kart, are there any other games that you're

enjoying playing? I would love it if you guys could kind of set me up with someone. Dancing? Dancing at the idea that I don't have a significant other. I like to play Animal Crossing, but I don't like to play too much because I like to spend time with my wife, Jillian. Nobody checks in on me during this global pandemic.

Daniel and I both play Zelda, so it's a really fun thing for us to bond over and kind of track each other's progress in the game together it's really nice playing with someone would be a lot of fun I've been doing VR mostly and it's you know virtual reality is fun but nothing beats my actual reality

that's the truth there's no more fun of a game than making a dinner with someone even something as simple as like making a dinner you sort of like playfully hit each other companionship is so important than making a dinner with someone. Even something as simple as making a dinner. You sort of playfully hit each other. Companionship is so important. It's everything.

Without companionship, life is meaningless. You can't feel anything. You can't be anything. You are nothing. Stop! That's absolutely enough from all of you. Oh my god. It was funny at first You took it too far

And now we're all left With our dicks in our hands I'm sad And I'm glad That it's gone this way Because my threshold is here And you blew past it What's the next fucking question

Now there's this tension throughout the rest of the episode and it's not my fault. I totally didn't even realize we were saying anything that was, like, uncouth. I know. Jeff, I'm so sorry. I sort of browned out. He's doing the pose again. He's doing the pose.

He's absolutely doing the pose. Jeff, have you been playing any video games? No. Zargorski rice. What's the goat pizza topping? Can I be controversial for a spell? Yeah. Caramelized onions.

Caramelized Funyuns. So I'll take a bag of Funyuns and sort of reduce it in sugar and put it on top of the pizza. If I'm being crazy, it's mushrooms and bacon. What do you think about that? I agree with mushrooms. I would say mushrooms and spinach. Those are the good toppings for me. I think the real...

Mushrooms and onions. The true goat is... I like a shot. What? Mushrooms and onions. The true goat is... I like a shot. What was that? Are you Popeye? You worked yourself up to say that. I saw you take a breath right before. You winked.

You looked like Popeye and you yelled, I like a sauce assignment. You looked like your face was stung by 20 bees. Which sauce? There's sauce on pizza as the default. That's not even a topping, man. It goes sauce, then cheese, then the topping. You're just describing an ingredient of pizza.

You're saying, like, it's like yelling, I like the crust. You didn't answer anyone's question. I do like the crust. You said, I like the crust you didn't answer anyone's question I do like the crust you said I like the dough see alright you know what let's Jake Riley and me we'll just kind of keep waxing pizza

and Amir you take as much time as you need and just kind of say what that topping actually is I think mushrooms and caramelized onion is the best way to go mushrooms for sure we can all enjoy cheese please and don't forget the cheese and don't forget the

sauce is what I was going to say say how you were planning on saying it and don't forget the sauce again those two are the base toppings go on top of the question is about no crust like cheese sauce those are those are just taken for granted they're they're there

you those are established and the question is what do you add to that what's the topping and if you really what do you think about pineapple on pizza absolutely not hard pass hard pass no what about i think pepperoni. Just a classic. That's a classic. Pepperoni can be good. It can also be really bad. I do like Italian sausage on pizza is pretty good. Yes. Yeah.

I love an Italian sausage. Can you make sure it's in a circle shape? That's the best way to eat it. Sliced up. Real nice. You just have like a fundamental disconnect with the question, I think. That's the best way to eat. Did you say, can you make it

a circle shape? It is. That's default. Circle shape. Sliced up real nice. you have to ask for it to be in a square you're just yeah describing pizza what do you like to eat on top of the pizza what goes on top that's a good question i never thought about that was the question you should have been thinking about it i'm down to pivot and discuss the topping of sorts. Good. Sprinkles?

You've never had pizza. You've never had pizza. Yeah. Would you rather win an Oscar, a Tony, a Grammy, or an Emmy? Asks C. Fenton. Okay. Great questionon. Okay. Great question. Great question.

And I'd like to win an Oscar, but I'm probably most likely to win a Tony. Let's start with Riley. Let's start with Riley. No, I want to hear this little song that Jake has started. We can start with Riley

and we'll come back to me but let's edit that part out I'm like embarrassed of the way it I'm embarrassed of the way it came out we'll do Jeff and then Riley and if we have time you can answer the question I'm down to only do Jeff and Riley

I just want to get it I'm just saying I just want to get it clean so we can cut my thing we'll be able to cut my thing out. So let's get it perfectly clean. I'll cut your thing out. I will definitely cut your thing out. Don't worry.

Okay, so we have the transition and that won't be in there. So Riley, would you rather an Oscar, an Emmy? I guess. It's Sony! Jazz hands? an oscar an emmy i guess jazz hands tune of delilah i don't know forever we're gonna find our way rylance um yeah i guess uh i i guess uh i mean like i don't fucking know um whatever makes me most respected i guess i guess a tony because then i can easily worm my way into the oscars and i basically be like oh well she's a serious she's a serious performer she can do theater right not all not all people on the silver screens can transition over

it's harder so i'll kind of want to like intimidate people at the oscars i want to walk the carpet and just kind of like like it's a fun question and then it's a fun yeah that that's that's kind of the response i'm trying to be like kind of you won your you won your tony you won your tony for uh production so you're it's like an or really like kind of you won your you won your Tony you won your Tony for uh production so you're it's like an or really like kind of not really a creative role that's what you win the also nobody invited you to the Oscars do you have a ticket do you even have a ticket oh I'm part no I'm part of the I can you're a seat you're a stage you're a stagehand ma'am well I'm still invited show you worked on yeah I was part of Yeah. I was part of the production team who won the musical.

I mean, like, I wasn't on stage, but I was part of the team who won. Why did you bring your Tony? This is a different award show. Do not bring your Tony to the Oscar. It's just a small, flaccid statue. Flaccid? Jeffrey. I'd like to go last please okay i would rather win an emmy because it meant that i

did my shit in a way that allowed my parents to watch it on network television that's right my parents can't watch a theater play in new y. They can't get there right now. And a Grammy? What, you expect them to download an MP3? I don't think so. And as for the Oscar? My dad doesn't like me. So it has nothing to do with the media, right? So he won't pay to see me act. But at Emmy, I can sort of trick them.

I'll add the episode to the DVR, and they'll be like, wow, what's this? Guess what? I directed it, bitch. Oh, you directed it. Maybe that's why he doesn't like you if you talk to him like that. I directed it, bitch. You say that to your father? No, I was just saying it would be like i actually worked really hard on this

thing and i won a statue for it so i don't know do you still prefer your my brothers to me probably because your brother i mean like your what would you rather do jake i'm just saying your brother saves lives so like even yeah oscar and you directed it'd be funny if we all your brother other brother has like a VC fund so he like invests in like really cool companies so I said action and then I said to the actors how to act it

like no matter how hard you hustle you'll never ever reach their status yeah but you directed it bitch I guess yeah like you win an Oscar but your other brother emmy delivers like children emmy and hmm emmy i win an emmy bitch jake what about you i already said and it's gonna get cut out but i'd like to win an oscar but i'm most likely

to win a tony and that'll get cut out but that's how i feel keeping that one in really sure keeping that one in it won't even make any sense because i talk about the other one being cut out i'm gonna make you look bad it's gonna feel very disjointed yep jeff um i don't know i mean it's like the emmy you kind of have that like tv because people like streaming shows they like television um but honestly i think i'd like to leave them all up on the table i mean unlike you guys for me it's not about the awards it's about the art it's about the craft um it's about making people laugh it's about telling stories no matter what the media you know it doesn't have to be live it doesn't have music whatever it is i just want to kind of get my point across and make people feel joy uh for you guys you kind of selfishly all want to feel joy yourselves, you know, which is like, I get it.

We all want trophies. But also, like your spouses, trophy wives, trophy husbands. I'm single because I don't need anyone else to make me feel joy. So we're still on that. So you're still on the single thing. I'm seething through my teethings. You're still teething? My molars haven't come in yet.

Yeah. Yeah, I could see a few baby teeth Maybe that's why you're single Is because you are a little baby man Oh trust me Ladies and gentlemen I give the best head And it is because I have no molars

Keep it in set to the tune of I'm gonna win a Tony Let's Actually take a break now keep it in set to the tune of I'm gonna win a Tony let's actually take a break now thank some sponsors and I want you to sit in that and think about whether you thought that was okay to say and we'll be back

after these messages thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show hell yeah Jake you've been building on Squarespace for decades at this point. Exactly. Eons, it feels like. Yes.

So you know how easy it is to use their simple, intuitive, drag and drop design technology? Yes, yes, yes. Easy to create, easy to sell, easy to promote. Squarespace is my all-in-one, first stop, one-stop shop. Yeah. It's kind of funny that they have also award-winning customer support because it's so intuitive that even Jake was able to figure it out. But if you have any questions, they can figure it out for you as well.

Exactly. And I did need a lot of help. I needed a lot of help. It's easy for everybody, but I still like to have my hand held. They even have AI at this point. You can update written content, product description, or email with Squarespace AI. You can even buy a domain name through Squarespace. Exactly. Like, you know that movie Freaky Friday? Yeah. How'd you like to own FreakyFriday.com? That'd be great. Is that available? It's not available.

Yeah. But how'd you like to own Freaky Tuesday? Interesting. Freaky Tuesday. So that's when you run into each other and some parts of your personality change, but ultimately it's not a full body swap. Right. Mostly you're just concussed. Yeah, which is new.

It's kind of like having a new personality. Yeah. It's funny. I consider myself a vision lifter, which is why I recommend somebody buying visionlifters.com. Oh, vision lifters. Yeah. Vision lifters with a Z. And not where you think. And Visionlifters with a Z. And not where you think.

And it's not biz with a Z. So if you're looking to buy a domain name for yourself or for a loved one, build a store, an online portfolio, the greatest way to do that is to head to squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that coupon code SEGMENTS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Hell yeah. So again, you go to squarespace.com slash segments.

You save 10% off your first purchase and then use the coupon code SEGMENTS when you're ready to launch that free trial. Enjoy. Thank you, Squarespace. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love. Exactly. It's a survey that lets us know what you think about the ad experience. But in order to do that, we need to know a little bit more about you, our audience. The survey is quick, easy, and free to support segments. It'll take two minutes and you'll be helping us a lot by taking it. It's at gum.fm slash segments to

fill out the audience survey. That's right. So if you've been talking about the ads somewhere else online, now is your chance to make your voice heard, folks. Take this survey and we will read the results it's g-u-m dot f-m slash s-e-g-m-e-n-t-s cool sorry i have to spell it out for some people yeah you do this sucks and we're back jeff and riley do you guys have any? Mom, I'm coming. Gross. I got one. So just, yeah, reach.

Okay. I am 22, yaboo. And so the issue there, Riley, do you have any? What's that? Riley, let's go to the Riley one genuine like leather oh my god patent leather which is leather that has

all you had to say was like take a drive and change your scenery oh that's actually really good no but I do have one I have spent and Riley and I talked about this briefly on a review review a couple weeks ago I've spent my entire young adult life not taking any fashion risks. Really just like plain tees, plain jeans, plain white sneaks.

Did you just try and rhyme tees with jeans? And the plainest accessories. But I am starting to branch out. And I would implore the listeners to take fashion risks. Especially, if anything, that's the lesson I've taken from this global pandemic. You might not ever get to go out again. So wear those Jordans. Jeff is wearing makeup in the style of Euphoria.

I know. Jeff has glitter bleeding out of his eyes. The glitter was on the eyes and then the eyes are bleeding because of the glitter. Right. Got it. I really, I like the unsolicited advice of take a fashion break. I think that's cool. I think you should wear that sweater, wear that loud jacket, cuff the jeans in a new way.

For me, the longest time... Wear what you think you wish you could pull off. You should just put that on. Right, exactly. But what if the worst thing happens somebody says nice jacket loser and everyone laughs at you in a way that makes you feel smaller than and you clock that because one day they're gonna fucking push you over the edge and you're gonna snap and you're gonna say you like you don't like the jacket and then he's gonna be like you like you don't like the jacket and that's when you stab

marty in between the third and fourth rib and you say got some blood on your pants and everyone will laugh at him finally you're the hero in the story. What? This is Jeff's inner monologue right now. Every single time Jeff has been doing this weird pose, he was thinking that exact thought. Yeah. Bathing in Marty's blood. Every inner thought I have ends with me as a hero after making a horrible mistake.

Riley, do you have anything to add slash subtract from that? Don't be afraid. Oh, don't be afraid.

Just as long as you wear those jeans. The stiffest selvage ever. Don't be afraid to like, I'm going to, this might be, I don't know, this might be crazy. Don't be afraid. Oh, come on. No, it's just like, I don't want you to make.

Come on. Come on. You can do it. Let's hear it. Don't be afraid to like, to share, come on. You can do it. Let's hear it. Don't be, don't be afraid to like, to, to share a draft of a business email with a friend and like have them revise it.

So, you know, it's like, Oh, you're using too many exclamation points or like, you know, it's a little too informal, you know?

Yeah. Stupid, stupid. Well, let's hear one. Do you have one in your drafts? Well, I did have one.

Yeah, but it's like, I didn't want to do it. We don't do it now. Read it live. You have a in your drafts? Well, I did have one. Yeah, but it's like I didn't want to do it. We don't have to do it now. Read it live. You have a business email? All right. Read it live on mic.

It's your resignation. Dear Jake, Amir, and Marty, exclamation point. Okay. Sup, you fucks. Haha, just kidding. Well, all of this is typed like even the um was in there too um i just wanted to i just wanted to call whoops sorry email i just wanted to write and say these past couple years all this in there i've been so cool lol and then like the cool

parentheses like there's sorry the colon smiley face again everything i'm saying is typed even this even what i'm saying right now is all in the email you're just reading it verbatim right now i'm reading it verbatim and this is also in there i haven't digressed at all um what we're saying is it in the email draft what yes everything you're saying is in the email too um jeff's too yes every every all of this is also in the email. Okay. Even this podcast that we're on has been so fun. All I'm saying is where I'm working, I would like to not be here anymore, be working at HeadGum anymore.

If that sounds good, let me know. If not, that's totally fine. Ha, ha, ha. We can reject that? And then a couple emojis. We obviously don't want you here if you don't want to be here. What do you mean that doesn't sound good? This is all in the email still.

Hope you're well. Stay safe. Wear a mask. Bye. To leave a callback number, press five. What? That's the email. So it's like dictated

through a fucking operator or something? Can I just give my one note? Yeah, please, please. I thought it was all great and very clear. The only thing that I would do through a fucking operator or something can i just leave a callback number yeah please please i thought it was all great and very clear um the only thing that i would do is that first exclamation point after hey jake and miriam i think it should just be a comma because like a you know it's kind of a bummer email and then b it's like you don't have to like apologize you don't have to like create all the space for them no that's really really helpful that's helpful i will i will this is all still in the email by the way this whole conversation is still in the email so i will change that exclamation point um uh love riley

so the real i like the sign off the real d hayes on twitter asks what movie would you see at the newly opened amc for 15 cents what movie how can we know it won't be out at the newly opened AMC for 15 cents. What movie? How can we know? It won't be out yet. Ew. Amir. Amir's flicking his tongue

in and out. He looks like one of those carnival clown entrances. I've never seen you do that before and I hate it so much. Jeff, that is exactly what he looks like. Oh my god. It's one of those roller coasters that before and I hate it so much. Jeff, that is exactly what he looks like. Oh my god.

It's one of those roller coasters that you enter through the clown's mouth. Why? You don't look like that. Oh! Beetlejuice style. Just totally opens his jaw. Would you guys see a movie right now in a theater for 15 cents? No.

Not now. I barely went to the movies before i'm not ever going to the movies again that's not an experience i need somebody clip that out and hold it against jake the next time he says that he went to the movies i went to a drive-in movie um a couple weeks ago for the first time and that was super fun i would do that again that's cool so how does the audio get in your car radio radio am oh so you tune to a dial everyone goes to the same channel fuck okay because all right that makes sense because i did that too but i think i was in the wrong channel you were just playing the top 50 so i was yeah i was on kiss fm and i'm like that

doesn't quite line up because i was watching this documentary. You were masturbating in your car listening to Kiss FM watching Cars 2. And it wasn't a drive-in. It was a McDonald's. It was a drive-through. Okay? That's what it was. You're not allowed to do that. You're not allowed to do that. I thought the weirdest choice was the character in the

background saying, are you sure you don't want anything, sir? Can you at least move forward? You parked your car in the drive-'s touching himself you got into the back of your car you're listening to call me maybe on your in on the radio watching a porn video with cars too on an ipad masturbating in the back seat of your car on labreaa and that's not acceptable. Okay, Riley, sing Friday by Rebecca Black. It's Friday, Friday. Oh, no, that's enough.

That's absolutely enough. Fucking terrible. Oh my god. She didn't know you were going to do that. She wouldn't have sung. I would not have sung. That's anything I ever do. With anybody. On any podcast. The HeadGum Podcast is me fucking tearing hair out to get something usable. And this week there was nothing.

What the? I was on it this week. It's coming out next week because Ferris and I couldn't get it out today. Wow. That's on you. No. You're the host, man. I right 182 at frictions writes if you got sent back in time 200 years what would be the first modern thing you would try to invent or create

easy hd tv baby a 65. And yeah, guess what? It curves. So I'm basically able to... I'm the only one in the village who can Netflix and chill. Yeah, it's 18... It's 1820. What are you talking about? That you can just make a plasma TV?

You don't know how you would do that. There's no programs being made because cameras don't exist. Right? Yeah. Satellite doesn't exist. Cable doesn't exist cable doesn't exist so just having screens there's not a curved a curved no media to watch to play what there's not even radio so maybe i'll do the radio then again you can't um so i'm looking at what happened in science in 1820 and it looks like english inventor thomas hancock patents the production of fastenings using rubberized fabrics and invents the pickling

machines okay so i could do maybe a hulu on like uh you wouldn't we're talking about like inventions of that era are like you know like like hinges and fasteners to make like pickling jars tighter. Light bulb. Obviously light bulb because that's simple. It's one invention that helps everybody. Done. I'm a fucking genius. I'm a billionaire.

French press. That's really good. Yeah. Printing press. Printing press. Nice. How about a printing French press? So it's like you're able to print books about coffee

a dime a dozen and then you open up a starbucks in town square right here you like cut it down who wants it what can you just cut them down to size uh uh it's bad idea i don't know what do you want me to say bully him bully him because it's the funniest thing to like see you bully a mirror is all what the fuck i don't want to do that i'm really nervous on this show i know so i'm trying to like fabricate bits in a non-organic way i know you're like yeah just just relax a little and let the it's fine the episode's almost over you're back in the position you're back in the position got it so you're just yeah your fingers are very dry by the way i can hear the coarse rubbing from here sounds like broken glass just flakes of skin floating off into your closet i'm inhaling them them the dude 27 asks i have a hard time waking up early do you have any tips to start getting up

earlier jeff you're sort of an expert in getting up early really i don't think so you constantly rib me publicly about how i'm awake at like 3 a. Time. Jeff's the only person I know who has jet lag between Ohio and California two months after he went to Cleveland. Well, you know what it is? You know what it is? Is that I got on Cleveland Time within the first two weeks.

It worked. It was great. Two weeks. Sorry, one second. Two weeks to get on Cleveland Time? It's fucking hard. I'm a night owl, man. It's hard to force yourself to fall asleep because you can't fall asleep if you're not tired, but you can stay awake if you're exhausted.

And so I got on Cleveland Time for about a month, and then there was some family stuff that happened, and there was one night I think I had to edit Review Review to get it out, and it was taking longer, or we had meetings on Monday or something. And so it's like 1 a.m. and I'm just finishing the edit. And so then I had to also edit the ads and put them up and I didn't get to sleep till 2.30. 2.30 turns into 4.30. This was like seven weeks ago.

I need alone time late at night because it feels like I'm in a cocoon. Jake? Oh my God. That was the most honest thing you've ever said. I honestly didn't know you felt like that. You need cocoon time? I

need my alone time to recharge for my social capital to be replenished for the following day. We're all performers. We all have to be in meetings. We all have to be on Zoom calls. We all have to be on podcasts. We all have to do live streams performers we all have to be in meetings we all have to be on zoom calls we all have to be on podcasts we all have to do live streams we all have to be on the friggin email chains honestly if you need to wake up early just deprive yourself of sleep for like a day riley i want to go to bed. You take everything out of me.

Every time we talk, you make me, I have to like absorb everything. And that saps all. Every 10 minutes with you is a minus hour. Jesus Christ. It's an hour off your life. It is an hour off my life. i will die 10 years before i should

because of the amount of time i've spent in like taking in what he does amir didn't have any gray hair before jeff started working at head gum like there's a correlation there i didn't have any gray hair before I started working at HeadGum. Fuck. You're aging me. You're aging me. If you want to wake up early, go to bed earlier. Fuck, sorry. Or have something exciting to look forward to.

That'd be true. It'd be going to bed with butterflies in your stomach. Jesus, I'm so tired now. That's cool. That's actually really cool. Sorry, I didn't know that you guys felt that way about me. You did. I did, but I didn't know that it would be this exhausting. Me.

Jake, do you have a final question for us? Yeah, I do. Let's end it on a positive note. Let me see who this person, what this name is. Okay. Okay. Hold on. One second. One second. Okay. One second. Juice.

You're writing the question. At Juicy Poon writes, what's your favorite compliment that you ever received? Sorry, and that's by who? Who wrote that? Jeff Mike Felgen. Jeff Mike. that you ever received. Sorry, and that's by who? Who wrote that? Jeff's mic fell again. Juicy... Jeff's mic... Sorry?

The person who wrote that was... Oh my god, again. There has to be a better thing for you to keep the mic on. Stop doing the pose. It's not... Your hair looks ten times more disheveled. I don't know why you guys

are always mad at everything I do. This is fine. Juicy Poon asks the best compliment you ever received. Juicy Poon wants to know. What was the best compliment you guys have ever received? Mine's probably a tie between two things. One time, this fucking fly-ass stripper told me that i was looking like i had a thick ass bedong i don't think so and it was she was a she was like a hooters waitress or something but she said i had

like a really i was already it's changed from a stripper to a hooters waitress now it's going to change again i guarantee and she was so fucking complimentary to me. I never stopped feeling light from that. It's her occupation. So you never... This never happened. The second one is probably making my new niece laugh. That's not a compliment.

That's just something that happened. And it only happened once. I'm crying. It only happened once. You're a comedian. You made your niece laugh one time. And then when you were 18, a Hooters waitress slash stripper said you had a big ass.

And that made you feel light for another 18 years? 20 years? More cheese, please! Back to the pizza, got it. Riley's cry-ly. And that's the best compliment of all. Cry-ly. Holy shit. and that's the best compliment of all crying

holy shit so a stripper touched my elbow and also I made a nephew smile so it wasn't a niece and I don't think it was a stripper I think it was a receptionist and she said your meeting is in this conference, and I don't think it was a stripper. I think it was a receptionist, and she said, your meeting is in this conference room. And you did mental gymnastics to think that it was a Hooters waitress complimenting your ass.

A stripper turned into a Hooters waitress. You're a misogynist. I'm a misogynist. My God. Yeah, I'm pro-men, but I'll also sort of take that knot out of your back if necessary. Take night classes.

During the day. Because it's a Japanese class that I zoom into online. Or the Asian equivalent. Do you guys remember your favorite compliments? Don't ask like that. Drawing a mustache on where there already is one got it start doing but like the uh the japanese like pinpoint tattoo ink thing where you

hit a hammer needle with ink face tattoo of a curly mustache um do you guys remember any compliments that jump out i someone once told me that i was um too hot to be this smart and i was like that's really cool and and that person was fucking jeffrey james and i think... Oh my God. I never said that. That's so nice. It was the thing that you said to me. And I hold on to that. That's really kind. I hold on to that.

You have to be this smart. It was a little out of line at the time because it was at work that Jeff would say that. And it was early on in his tenure. He was an intern. And I felt like it was out of his... Jeff's tenure? It wasn't his place to say something like that.

Yeah. Yeah, Jeff's tenure. Right. That's incredibly inappropriate. He didn't need to say anything. I never said it was out of his... Jeff's tenure? It wasn't his place to say something like that. Yeah. Yeah, Jeff's tenure. That's incredibly inappropriate. He didn't need to say anything. I never said it. It was inappropriate. It was... I want you to think I said it if it's really helping you, but I never said it for like

I actually resent that he said it when he did. You don't like it. It's aged well, I think. I don't think so. At the time, I said, don't say shit like that to me but it's as I've as I've grown older I've sat with it and I think that it's nice it's a good compliment okay so two things that never happen um my I think like the like what I honestly like will hold with me forever is like my therapist was just like you're're done. You did it.

What? Yeah. And that was after your first session. Yeah, that was after the first session. It's like we still talk. Now I help her. Right. But it's in her best interest to not tell you that you're good because then you'll stop coming and stop paying her.

So it says a lot about your progress. It says a lot about me. It says a lot that she's just like, you have nothing more to work on yeah jake amir take notice oldies younger generation is more in tune with their emotions uh jeff what about you uh i guess my favorite compliment was that uh people will often dm me and say hey like you're part of the younger generation who's more in tune with their emotions uh and i'm like thanks for noticing that i'm kind of emotionally intelligent i'm also spatially intelligent. That's just kind of a self compliment. So I can-

You're not spatially intelligent. No, because I'll know this is the door right here. And then like- You'll know that that's the door. You keep knocking over your microphone. No, I didn't knock- Drop your mic. Oh my God.

I'm just aware of my surroundings is usually the compliment that people often DM me as well. I think the reason you stop recording a lot is because your microphone always falls on the ground. Just sit. Just sit and talk. You don't have to be stuck.

You don't have to fall. You don't have to move that much. You're recording a podcast. You shouldn't have to move all the time. He's still in the jacket. You're skittish. You have to move that much. You're recording a podcast. You shouldn't have to move all the time. He's still in the jacket. You're skittish. You have to be hot. You have to be hot-ish.

Oh, my God. All right. Well, that's our time. Let's stop here before Jeff seriously injures himself. Jeff, Riley, what do you have to promote? Just a little thing called our show. It's actually called Review Review. Never do that voice again.

Just a little thing called our show Review Review. No one's going to listen to it. All right, Jeff, why don't you talk about it? No one's going to listen to it now. Yeah, no, I can totally talk about this show. It's this little podcast where we blend conversations. I'll pitch it. I'll pitch it because obviously no one will want to hear that.

I'm pitching a podcast where people will listen to you in the worst voice I've ever heard. Just talk. It's a very funny improv comedy podcast. Jake and I were on the last episode. You guys dissect and improvise around reviews so you can find them on Yelp or Google Review. And those sort of set the stage for a fun little improv. Or TripAdvisor.

Or Amazon. That's fine. It doesn't matter where they come from. It's so grating. Yeah, we blend conversation and improv comedy based off the most absurd reviews on the internet. And it's basically... Riley, would you say that it's like a reconciling? Of?

Of just like... Differences? Of differences in like the best comedy content in the world so you have like robin williams's stand-up from the 80s mixed with all the way up to like this you know if i were you or whatever so yeah i think you're overselling it i think that's what it probably is i think it's just like once you listen to this you actually and we like we really really appreciate like being on this network and like all the help that you guys have given us but it's like once you start listening to our show you you might not you might not need to listen to you don't need them

anything else especially this one okay so yeah well it is either or we should say it is either it is either or you can listen to both that's that's absurd um that's absurd okay you can listen to both and you can enjoy both um so it's fun it's If you ever want more of us or more Jeff and Riley, check it out. Review, review on the HeadGum Network. We really appreciate it. We have to talk about that. We can't have you do that. Because have you been plugging your show on other shows?

A little bit. Yeah, I'm afraid I'm not there to stop you from doing that. I learned this voice in a public speaking class. Fire the teacher. Hey, little, little, loved when we did it. Thank you for your questions.

If you want us to answer your questions in future episodes or if you have a theme song, send them to ifireryoushow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was written by Anderson Reagan. Remember that? The granddaddy's AM180. And his closing one is a beautiful theme song to the tune of She Lays Down by the 1975. He has nothing to shout out, but if you could say the words, Bruno is a Chad,

it would be greatly appreciated. So thank you, Nick. And thank you to Jeff and Riley for stopping by. Thanks, guys. And we'll be back next week, as always. See you soon, everybody. show at gmail.com Send them in your questions and these boys will help you write whatever's wrong with J.K.H.

and Mia B They might put you on blast if you're an arse or your life's about to end, Tell these guys and they'll give you their advice. They will tell you what they'd do If they were you