Segments - 45: Gotye

Episode Date: December 12, 2013

In this episode we discuss best friends, worst gifts, and the art of being rejected. This episode is brought to you by HuluPlus.com! Check out HuluPlus.com/Amir for access to thousands of movies and TV Shows: bit.ly/1aJaQzw This episode is ALSO brought to you by 20Jeans.com! Twenty dollar jeans and other awesomely affordable high quality clothes: bit.ly/152P612 See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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time only. Yeah. From that. They frowned upon Hulu. Really? It was a joke, dude. I'm sorry. Dude, I'm here from Standards and Practices, okay? I work outside for Hulu Plus. Zero tolerance.

Yeah, zero tolerance. They told me to call you on your shit. All right, all right. Let me start over. I swear. You've probably heard of Hulu.com. So what is Hulu Plus? Hulu Plus is so much more.

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Was that you who discovered this? Can you imagine 80 years ago? Okay, that's the future. I think watching TV shows on your phone. Yeah, that's why Hulu Plus shows them on the phone. Yeah, but I'm just saying. No, you didn't come up with it. I know you called me out in the ad.

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Very real. Don't I? So please enjoy this episode. Thanks, guys. Bye. Who are you? I'll tell you what I do. I listen to this show.

And maybe in a while you'll learn a thing or two. Because life's got many questions And they've got all the answers So if you're in a pickle If you need advice If you could use a laugh Then these are your guys If I were you Show

If I were you Starts now Boo! If I were you, show. If I were you, start now. Boo. Whoa, hateful. What was that shit? You gotta not. You gotta not. If I were you, show.

You wrote that song. You recorded that song. And he butchered it. That was your voice. Exactly right. And I'm my biggest critic. You're insecure. No, I just thought that song was so soothing and good.

It would be funny if it just ended and 30 people booed him. A chorus of boos. Boo! It made us feel too good. Do-do, do-do. It was very smooth. Yeah. Very smooth.

As if we weren't tired enough, that song just really... Lulled me right to bed. Let me say that guy's name right away because we always forget to mention. That song was written for us by McLean Cannon. What? Yeah, which I guess he's a superhero. I feel like he should be writing rap rock. McLean Cannon? Yeah, I i'm mclean cannon all right sorry mclean cannon you actually you have to be in creed yeah you have to be doing bigger

and better things no not bigger better oh creed isn't bigger and worse bigger and worse i made for bigger and worse things than this i want to be famous for a bad reason now i'm gonna be on reality tv i guess there are people who want to be it was like as kids like i want to grow up and be on reality tv yeah probably there are now that's awesome. That's good. No, that's good. Why? Because it means they're going to be famous, which is the best. Yeah, it's nice to be famous. To be famous is the best thing. People know you. I don't care

what I'm famous for. As long as people look at me. Oh, he works hard. He's a good writer. He's a good actor. No, I don't care. I want people to know who I am. Yeah. Okay? I want to be on the cover of Star. I've read people. Us Weekly, Vogue, French Vogue. I want to be- French Vogue.

French, dude, I, yeah, yeah. What? What? Yeah. What? Yeah. You think I don't want to be on the cover of French Vogue? I just, I'm surprised you even know that's a magazine.

Yeah. Is there a French every magazine? I don't know. I'm perfectly, you you know i'm not even 100 sure there's a french vogue but i think i heard kanye west say it i want to be on people teen people french people french teen people french teen people yeah there's you know there's never like a french boy celebrity is there like a oh like the way like one direction is like oh my god they're hot british or like bb man are't they hot and british like beetles they're just never like who's the most famous

french person in the world i'm gonna just say that i think gautier is french is he not i'm gonna just say that i i'm gonna go on record as saying that i used to know uh we we we i'm good yeah so basically this song is about somebody that i used to know. Oui, oui, oui. I'm Gautier. Yeah, so basically the song is about somebody that I used to know. You had kills through your shadow friends. Even funnier than that is like, hey, yeah, I'm Gautier. I'm from Kansas City. So my name is Gautier. Remember I was making a joke, I think it was like a year ago,

that I went to high school with Gautier. It's like, yeah, the crew was like me, Adam, Jesse, and Gautier. And we would just like hang out and like Gautier would do like the funniest Cartman impression. Yeah, we would play like golden. I was always James Bond and Gautier was our job. So like we had this sleepover one. I think it was either at Chris's house or Gautier's. And like we like got like, I don't know,

we stayed up all night playing Tetris and Gautier. Gautier's dad like made us potato skins and it was actually really tight. We always made fun of Gautier actually because like he had like the loudest farts. Hey, welcome to If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. I'm Jake.

Have we not introduced the show yet? Honestly, we could have been talking about Gautier for 45 minutes at this point. What's our time? I don't know where we're at. We've been going on, yeah, this is the 91-minute mark. This is our longest episode so far. We're delirious. We are. Straight up delirious. We are.

Straight up delirious. Where are we today? We're Los Angeles. We're back. We made it. We're finally here. We started from the bottom. On Sunday, December 1st, I flew across the country in four and a half hours, and then

it took me 11 days to drive back. If you didn't know any better, you would think I'm an idiot for doing what I did, which is kind of true. Like, why would I spend so much money flying to place and then just a lot of time and effort driving the exact same distance back from whence i started and a shitload of money do not think nobody out there be fooled and think that driving is cheaper than flying no it seems like it would be cheaper because it's much harder but when in fact it's probably 10 to 15 times more expensive yep but you know what it's rich in experience.

No, actually, flying is more fun because you're in the sky. I hope that's correct. That's a good experience. I haven't done that in a minute, actually. Actually, Gautier's dad

has a pilot's license. Gautier? Where is Gautier? Gautier. There's also a chance we're pronouncing his name wrong. No. Gautier?

Gautier? Gautier? Oh, Gautier. oh gotcha gotcha gotcha oh gotcha gotcha was in my english class yeah yeah it was it was me and rami and gotcha and we did like this like uh this presentation this book report i guess and gotcha would like was so incompetent he only did the work-sided part. So how does the show work? We make fun of Gautier for about seven minutes. Okay, done. We put Gautier on blast. Sorry, boss.

Just that Wednesday night blast. Would you say we Gautier him? Actually, I might put you on blast for that. For what? For that. For saying that we Gautier him? Yeah. Yeah.

I Gautier him. I think I... Gautier. Can I look at that computer? Oh,. Yeah. Yeah. I got you. I think I got you. Can I look at that? Oh my God. You, you wrote that joke earlier today. Oh my God. Yeah.

You started all this. Got you shit. Just to lead you to that one pun. Gotcha. Wait, how did we start talking about gotcha? Um, Oh,

the most famous French person. Oh yeah. Who is the most famous French person? Nikolai Sarkozy. Um, yeah. Who is the most famous French person? Nikolai Sarkozy? Yeah. Or what about the ballet dancer from Black Swan? He's so famous you don't even know his fucking name. The most famous French person in the whole world is that.

The ballet person. That ballet guy from Black Swan. Natalie Portman's husband. Okay, I got the answer, but then we're going to start the show. Napoleon Bonaparte? No, no, no. Is he French? Alive. Natalie Portman's husband. Okay, I got the answer, but then we're going to start the show. Napoleon Bonaparte? No, no, no. Is he French? Alive.

Most famous French person alive. Let's talk if Napoleon's French, though. He was, yeah. Tony. Tony Parker. No, he's not. He's the most famous to you. Yeah.

You know who he is. All right, let's start the show. This is ridiculous. No, no, no. I want to storm some more brain. So, the way it works is that this is, you know, an advice podcast. People find themselves in difficult

places, sticky situations, and they write in to us. If I were you, show at gmail.com. We read through all the submissions and choose four to five to answer on the show. We give these real emails fake names to preserve their anonymity. should we get right into it i was i would i'll give you honestly dude that was your best intro b minus that was absolutely

on point and you think that was a 80 out of 100 82 82 82 it's funny because Gautier actually got an 84 in AP Cal. Gautier came to me in tears. He needed to get an A to make his dad proud. All right. The theme of this show, I guess, will be French people. So we'll say this person, Napoleon. Napoleon. We'll start from the top.

Napoleon writes. It's a lady named napoleon by the way marie antoinette marie antoinette french woman so not napoleon not napoleon because this is a lady all right first question mary antoinette writes so my problem is my best friend i'm a huge pessimist a downer on life a negative nancy if you will and i think that my best friend is the cause of this she's constantly insulting me telling me how annoying I am and how much my life sucks. She'll just call me to say, wow, clearly you're in a bad mood. I'm just going to talk to you later. Even when I'm not mad at all. This of course results in me getting angry and pissed off. Is my best friend turning me into

a negative person with low self-esteem? Should I, should we take a break from each other? I used to be happy, but for the past several years years i've just been this ridiculously negative and pissed off person help um you'll you're fine you'll work through it what what's the second question oh my god i'm serious to work through it are you in a rush i just think that like yeah you're best friends everybody's best friend gets on their nerves sometimes it's fine all right next question was this uh you want to delve a little further i don't know what i only chose one question. Oh, okay. Let's try to stall.

It sounds like you have a bad attitude. Would you say this girl seems like she has a bad attitude? She does now, but I'm blaming her best friend, too. No, no, no, no. It's too easy. It starts with you. Well, here's the real problem. She's still classifying her best friend, this terrible person, as her best friend.

Right, no. She's got to update the standards. Here's the problem. My mortal enemy. Yeah. Think about it that way. This person, your best friend is supposed to elevate you, challenge you, make you a better person by being a better person themselves. They want to support you.

They want what's best for you. They entertain you. want to support you they want what's best for you they entertain you they care about you they they have your back but they're also going to call you on your shit and it seems like this girl only calls you on your shit and it seems like she calls you on your shit so aggressively that she stopped calling on you calling you on your actual shit and just just calls you calls you out for no reason all the time she'll call speaking which it says that she'll call me just to say wow clearly, clearly you're in a bad mood. I'm going to call you later.

Hello? Hello? Oh, you're in a bad mood. Excuse me? I'm just going to talk to you later. Sorry, I'm fine. Bye. Wow, I am in a bad mood now.

I guess my mortal enemy was right. Yeah, she's sort of baiting me into this self-fulfilling prophecy where I'm a terrible person. I can't believe you put up with this for years. Thank God we started a podcast. Yeah, what would you have done? Without us. Marie. Marie.

Ms. Antoinette. Ms. Antoinette herself. Honestly, dude, we're fucking heroes, man. We don't pat ourselves on the back enough. Sure we do. You end every single question with saying that we're heroes and that we don't pat ourselves on the back enough. So we do. I mean, that's four or five times twice a week. That's ten times we call ourselves heroes. I think that's patting ourselves on the back enough. Yeah. So we do. I mean, that's four or five times twice a week.

That's ten times we call ourselves heroes. I think that's patting ourselves on the back. I do, yeah. No, you're right. I guess it's an appropriate amount. I would say it's way too many. Like, you should never think call yourself a hero, let alone that many times every week.

If I don't call myself a hero, who will? That's the problem. I guess the problem is you think that you deserve to be called that. I call myself a hero, I call's that's the problem i guess the problem i call myself a hero i call myself a pimp i call myself a good person because nobody else will so yeah do you ever think that maybe people don't do it because you often take a break in the day to uh talk about that yourself yeah my self-validation gets a little egregious at times. At every time. I'll hold up a line at Starbucks and I'll say, hey, does anybody here think I'm as awesome as I do? And people tend to not.

Of course. What could they possibly say in the line of a Starbucks? You turn around and you raise two deuces like you're a Richard Nixon impersonator and ask everyone if you're a pimp and a cool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, and what do they do? They probably just ignore you. They suggest that I keep the line

moving and I say, okay, you can eat my ass. Would you say that to Gabby Giffords? Jesus Christ. What? An actual hero. Yeah. Holy shit. I don't know how it happened, but you're making it seem like... I don't know how it happened either. Oh, yes, I do.

You led me there that's not and then when the bit got too real yeah you took it too dark backpedals yeah oh i'm sorry yeah she's a she's an american hero and you're an american zero i'm but i still think i'm above you because you you dragged her into this fucking awful podcast. If you're an American zero, I'm an American negative one. You're always one-upping me. So very easily, quickly, simply put, this girl's not your best friend.

You need a new best friend. Or you need a best friend because this girl is just not a best friend. Maybe you should make yourself your best friend. This girl's not even a friend friend. I think it's time that you loved yourself. Sure. Marie?

Do you have a best friend or are you your own best friend also? Me? I'm my a friend friend. I think it's time that you loved yourself. Sure. Marie. Do you have a best friend or are you just your own best friend also? Me? I'm my own best friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think a thing that I want to do always is now is take a picture of you as you're recording the show.

It's always so funny. Don't pull your sweatshirt down. No. Do not pull your sweatshirt down, you lazy Santa. This is not fair. I didn't ask for this. I want to take a picture of you right now. You're kneeling on the ground in your brother's childhood bedroom.

Shirt off, no socks. You're just hunched over a floral bed print. So does that mean I can't take a photo of you fine pick for pick where's my phone just under a pastrami sandwich ass oh crap yeah damn it i turned it off actually shit all right yeah i'm gonna take a picture of you all right did you Did you take one of me? No, not yet, because you're not natural. This isn't how you were doing it. This is me. No.

Yeah, now I'm being sexy. You're being a little cat. I'm being a little coy. All right, we got to move on to the next question. I feel coy. You're a coy boy, to be sure. I'm coy for this one. You're coy for this one, Rick. i've been listening to too much hip hop

hip hip hip hip hop um all right next question yeah um all right we'll call this person another french person that i know it's probably just another french athlete nicholas batum who is that he plays for the blazers what's up amir and Jake? I'm leaving for the Air Force at the end of December, so I was planning on breaking up with my girlfriend beforehand. We were texting the other night, and she was talking about giving me a blowjob before I leave. Excuse you. This is very unlike her and something I really want.

I know I should just break up with her, but come on. I mean, it's a blowjob. I would love to hear your thoughts. Thanks, you hashtag dope dudes. Wait, he's going where? The Air Force. He's going to the Air Force, so he wants to break up with his girlfriend.

So far makes sense. Why? It's just a lot to deal with if you're already in a very difficult place like the Air Force. It requires 100% of your concentration. You doesn't know that about the air force i can only assume i mean if my job requires 50 of my concentration i can only assume the air force requires more than that he doesn't want to have to like worry about you know you're only concentrating on your

job 50 i'm saying i'm dedicating yeah 50 concentration to my job. The rest of it is just mostly my stamp collection. Jesus. My coins. I just, I think that I guess I'm, I guess like in my mind, when people go to something like the Air Force or the military or the Navy, like, don't you want to lock down a girlfriend? Because they're, um, it's like, not really

a good dating scene in the Army. How self-centered of you. You small impotent fuck you piece of shit oh i can't get any in the air force so let me lock one down back at home i just want to make sure she doesn't get any put me on blast and then and then when i'm doing i deserve it and i have like a week off i can cheat on her as long as as long as she's yeah she stays in her emotional is this what it fucking feels like to be on blast how is this okay you're shitting yourself i'm on blast i know but still control your bowels man what's the fucking point life on blast isn't worth fucking living

a life on blast isn't a life at last life on blast that's that's the name of dave rosenberg's memoir a life on blast the dave rosenberg story um yeah why you think it's good to have a girlfriend when you go to a situation at the very least i would fucking get a bj from her before i left you don't have to be such a saint that you're gonna go fight for our country and not hurt a girl, okay? You got to get out of guilt-free car because you're a hero. Dude, I'll fucking blow you, actually.

I swear to God. It'd be an honor. Sir. Permission. To do it in an F-16. Permission to give you airhead in an F-16 sir i want to give you a a mach 3 blow j sky dome if you will i'd like for you to nut during a sonic boom i'd like for us to break this sound barrier

and after you nut i swear to, just hit the eject button. I'll disappear from your life forever. I'll never call you. There is an eject button that's so specific. It just shoots up the person who's kneeling right in front of you in the fighter jet. They do not get a parachute. I'll give this guy some good person advice since you're a terrible human being. Sure, go ahead. Yeah, your job is to what? To tell them to get a blowjob?

Oh, sorry. Amir doesn't think veterans deserve blowjobs. Is that a patriotic sentiment, actually? Tell you what. You guys go volunteer for our armed forces and Amir's going to get a head from your girlfriends. That's what you're

thinking. You're worse than the Nazis. God, we're... We spend more time together than Get ahead from your girlfriends. That's what you're thinking. You're worse than the Nazis. Whoa. God, we're... We spend more time together than any two people should spend together in the last four weeks. Yeah, I can't believe we're looking at houses.

We're going to move in together. Terrible idea. Right? If you're going to break up with her, I wouldn't get that BJ. I'm dead serious. You guys, there's no video version of this podcast, but here's my thumb. It's up.

And guess what? I just switched it to a thumbs down. It was a classic, classic move. It indicated that I didn't like Amir's advice in a jovial way. But if you knew you were going to break up with someone, would you accept a BJ? Yes. Wouldn't you feel a little bit bad? No.

It ends and then you're like, sorry, that was good, but I'm going to break up with you now. Yeah. You never had sex with your ex-girlfriend after you broke up? No. Okay. I'm not the weird one here. That's very normal to like to like to well that's a totally different question fine he so he knows he's gonna break up with her yeah he she's like i want to blow you

and he said and he's gonna say oh no actually hold on to that thought if you're gonna break up with someone i feel like you have to be the best guy that you can be so you have to give her no ammunition like when she when she probably gets mad at him for being like but why did you let me s your d he's like i don't know babe we're through well i mean you don't have to do it right then and there like oh god that was dope um i don't want to be with you and And she's like, Oh God, that was gross. Yeah.

Yeah. You think Gabby Giffords got real? Hey, no, no, she's an American hero. She's a patriot. You're a coward. You're a scumbag for even invoking your name.

She who shall not be named. That just makes you seem worse. Oh no. Oh, no. All right. Two different pieces of advice from two different people. Jake says go for it. I say no for it. Let's take a break.

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See terms at pick6.draftkings.com slash right promos there it is thanks draftkings when i was talking about food the equivalent of what uh 20 jeans cost it reminded me of a good thing that i wanted to bring up on the show which is your diet oh no yeah yeah i said you've been eating like a wrestler trying so desperately to gain weight. Yeah. Like you have no filter. Right. Yeah.

I just order whatever I want. I order whatever I want, and then I order a couple other things that I think I might want. Right. And then if there's something on the menu that I don't see very often, then I'm like, oh, it's a chocolate milkshake. I haven't been around one. I would like that. And then I'll also finish other people's food so like and then if there's like bread that comes out before i eat all of that so like cracker barrel whatever i'll get meatloaf and fried okra or something some vegetable and you get like a cheeseburger mac and cheese french fries and milkshake and bread yeah and then i was also eating everyone else's food right and

then you end every meal with the same painful feeling right it's like uh it's like what's that animal that eats so much that he would die like lambs or something you have to like restrict their diet or because they will eat so much that their stomach explodes yeah yeah and then six hours later you're starving again and back at it yeah i don't know it's kind of um it's one of the it's like that consequences thing just like yeah i can see myself getting fat and i'm like i just like and when i'm done eating all right oh god you know what salads later or like i'm gonna take it easy i'm not gonna like drink tonight and then but then i six hours after that I forget all of the feelings that I had had. Right.

And I just do this. It's a cyclical, awful, sad, deplorable, depraved really. John Grimm yesterday said, you're killing yourself with food. That's true. I also eat very, very, very, very fast. Yeah.

Because the human body shouldn't have as much food, so you have to shove it in your mouth before it gets to your stomach. Today when we pulled into work and we were shooting and somebody brought us sandwiches, and they were like, we're talking about the logistics of this shoot. I was eating. I looked like a person who had just like finished sprinting and they're like bending over clutching their knees but it like i was bending over one hand on my knee the other

was just like shoving a sandwich in my face i didn't even like stand up straight because so much ingredients were falling out of the sandwich onto the ground that i couldn't do it and i was eating so fast like yeah you eat like a war refugee who's seen food for the first time in two years but that's what you do every four hours. Mid sandwich. I realized I was like, Oh my God, I'm doing this in front of someone.

I need to, I need to stop. You used to respect me. Can you read the, uh, or is it too personal to read the message that you sent yourself? Oh, I hope it,

I hope I have it. You sent during the middle of our tour while we were making fun of how much you eat and how disgusting it is. You sent yourself a reminder. I said I was going to change. Yeah. And so you sent yourself a reminder for today at 11 a.m.?

Yes. What did it read? Oh, here we go. This went off this morning at 11. Actually, as I was very, very hungover leaving Las Vegas. You do croissants. Yeah.

Reality check. You're fat as fuck. Your bulging back flab is going to make it so only your ugly fans will want to fuck you. Double chin. Your stubble looks better thin.

You have little to no willpower. The only thing you do consistently is wreck your body and squander relationships. Even this reminder will serve no purpose except to illustrate how immediately and often

you ignore good advice. Enjoy your cheeseburger, fat ass. The funny thing is that I tried to order a cheeseburger on the road. You just read the last line. You're like, yeah, cheeseburger. I'd actually be down. Oh, God. But you know what?

When you have a reason, you're very strong willpower. So I have faith in you. Burning man. Yeah, like you eat leaves and salad primarily for about a week straight. I'm going to do my best. I'm going to get back on. I just don't have a fucking permanent house. It's not an excuse to not eat or order food.

It's at least an excuse to not go to the gym. But if I'm not going to the gym, then I don't really feel like eating right. I'm a vagrant right now i'm a i'm a fat homeless transient fucker that's that's what it is um so let's uh let's get back to these questions let's see what your your transient fat ass has to say about me. Why would I give anyone advice? Why would I give someone advice? I don't deserve to live. Because what you lack in discipline and willpower, you make up for in insight and self-awareness.

You're so clued in on life and your thoughts and feelings that most people would look up to you in that regard, I think. And these are what people need. They need a fresh perspective, and you can offer that. Also, if you finish this podcast, I'll give you a cheeseburger. The first half of that was the nicest thing you've said to me ever. And it was just the set up to a punchline. You asshole.

All right. Ready? Yeah. Can I get a French person's name? Yeah. All right. Tight. Oh, Michel Gondry.

Perfect. Michel Gondry writes, My girlfriend Brittany and I are about to celebrate our first Christmas together. We were having a friendly conversation about Christmas gifts we've gotten in the past, and she mentions that her best Christmas present was from her most recent ex-boyfriend. It was a painting, and she went on and on about how much time and effort he put into it. It didn't really bother me at first until I realized that the painting she was talking about is the very same painting that is hanging over the bed of her college dorm room.

That's right. The whole time I've been giving it to my smoke show of her girlfriend her ex's gift has been staring me right in the face reminding me that he was there first i know it shouldn't bother me this much but it does should i ask her to take that should i ask her to take the painting down and if so how would i go about doing this thanks michelle gondondry. I love it. I think that's really funny. Yeah, especially because the painting is of the ex-boyfriend grabbing his dick, looking down at a bed. I think it is so like, well, I think that she was rude for even bringing that up. Yeah. You never go on and on about your ex in any capacity, let alone a gift that is still on display.

It's weird, though, because I feel like talking about your exes is one of, it's just like somebody's, it's like your favorite thing to do as a human being. Why? I don't know, but I love talking about my exes. Like in a negative way or just in general? Just like sort of like, you know, thinking about the relationships, like what the good things, the bad things, because you're sort of like trying to work out like what you're going to want out of the next thing or like what you did wrong in that relationship i just think it's natural to like to

talk about your exes but you should never be talking about your exes with your current your current even if they're being cool they're like silently stewing right like just don't ever do that there's only so cool that you can be yeah um i also think i think you this guy can spin this you don't have to be like i'm her ex-boyfriend's like watching over us to remind you that he that that he was there first you're pounding your girlfriend under the painting to announce that you're there now yeah now is better than first yeah fuck that you know like yeah oh this, he slaved away at this painting. He went out and bought a fucking easel and shit, and he made this gorgeous little Christmas gift.

But, like, oh, guess what, dude? I'm going to pull out and ejaculate onto it. That's what's up. No, no, no, for real, though. Have you ever ejaculated onto an oil painting? It is bliss. It is absolute bliss. It's absolute bliss.

Yeah. It's called glazing. You sort of, you finish a photo. Yeah, yeah. It really makes it pop. Now you just have to, you've got to top the x's present you have to do that how do you do that a better painting no it can't be the same thing because if you get her a frame frame for the painting yeah just he was there first but know that i'm currently surrounding you and i'm better

i'm protecting you yeah you got to do like something that costs money because like things that are like thoughtful and uh like that are like nice but like people like people like shit that costs like money exactly if you bought her something like it doesn't even matter if it doesn't honestly it doesn't even matter if she's if it's like her thing if she likes it if she knows how expensive it was yeah she'll be like oh this is awesome i love money you like if somebody gave me like if i was seeing somebody and they gave me like a very sentimental book or a trinket or something and then i went on amazon and it was worth 50 i in a heartbeat i would trade that for a 51 gift certificate to amazon starbucks whatever because they say that oh it's the thought that

counts no no it's it's the money yeah it's the thought of money the thought actually doesn't count for jack shit, because last time I checked, I could buy a grande sweet and nice coffee in a croissant with thoughts. With thoughts, yeah. How many thoughts is that? So it's 461 or how many thoughts? Or how many thoughts? Oh, I can't. I can't give you this.

Here, I see that this is where I swipe the card. Where do I swipe my thoughts? Yeah, I know the monetary value of this croissant. I'm being lifted out of the Starbucks. I was just trying to prove a point. I have cash. I have cash. You open your wallet and it's just thoughts.

No. Who cares about cash value when you got sentimental value? Sense sentimental. Yeah, with a C. Sentimental. These cents are mental. Now, don't regret this dental appointment i made for you um i made you a dentist appointment actually sentimental these sentimental these scents are mental now don't regret this dental appointment that i made for you you like this car it's a rental

my new girlfriend she's oriental. Whoa. I don't think that's a, is that an offensive word? Absolutely it is. Oriental? Yeah. Are you sure? Oh no.

I thought we saw it on the billboard. We did, but we were in such a backwards ass city that it was completely normal. We were in, what was it when we got off at Route 66? Oh, it was Arizona?zona yeah somewhere in arizona someplace in arizona the birthplace of route 66 there was this old sign that said oriental food and i was like that's not okay is it not no we also saw a great thing in the grand canyon which was candy cigarettes oh my god with a design that looked like it couldn't be legally made today it was just like a kid asking his dad he's's like, dad, can I bum a smoke?

And then like the tagline was like, teach your kids how to look cool. Yeah, and it was like, just like daddy does. Yeah, terrible. So many people fought so many laws to make sure that that never happened. And that person is just selling these candy cigarettes in the Grand Canyon.

Where were we? This gift. What's the gift? I don't think you can ask her to take down the painting i think that just makes you weak and lame this is like when i asked did i tell the story on the podcast where like my oh yeah i think i did where my ex i was like with somebody who was like she she was wearing her ex's t-shirt yeah like i want you to throw it away but i know i can't say it right it's just not it's not an argument worth having just like just it's gonna suck silently stew for a little bit and process it and let it go but it's like it's not worth making it a thing because as soon as you say take it down then he really wins right exactly and then you say take

it down and she's like no and then she like feels some sort of like connectedness to him all over again it's like oh wait a second no i don't just fucking don't even just gloss over it the greatest way to beat him is to not give a shit about the painting just next time you go in there look at it and just pick out all its flaws and be like oh this is a bad painting oh that's good make fun of the painting in front of her well no don't do that not in front of her this is just for you to get over it. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My jaw is melting. Oh, no. What happened to you, dude? I don't know, dude. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit. No, no. No, no. No, no. Gautier, can you help me out for a second, man?

Gautier. I mean, Gautier used to make like jackass style videos. Yeah. High school. Gautier used to work at like Walgreens. So he used to like rent the shopping carts and like Gautier would just launch me into a hedge. You would rent a shopping cart? Yeah.

Well, Gautier would. Yeah. Because he's like French. He doesn't really understand that you can just take one. But he was like, no, no, no. I prefer to rent it out. Gautier would rent them for like $5 an hour. It was insane.

Yeah, it was so stupid. Gautier had money like that. That's Gautier. That is Gautier for you he is he's actually somebody that you used to know huh zinger all right let's uh last question it up uh this one comes from french fry the frenchest fry of all there's some fucking insanely famous french person and everybody's gonna it's like it's probably a humanitarian or something somebody really really

good it's the pope the pope is french is he no i think it's from south america yeah it's Argentina. Yeah, Argentine. Yeah. Oh, no. Current events. Marcel Marceau. Marcel Marceau writes, Hey, guys. Last year, I met a girl who I honestly believed that I loved. I was promptly friend-zoned at homecoming after I asked her out. She would then try to get with one of my good friends. Normally, this wouldn't faze me, but it happened twice now

and put my self-esteem about the way I look in the gutter. I'm pretty skinny. Now, I can't think about getting with a girl without them rejecting me due to the way I look. What do you guys think? Dude, I hate when I get promptly friend-zoned. Yeah. You ever go up to a girl at a bar and you're just like, hey, baby. And she's like, nuh-uh.

Friend-zoned. Yeah, it's like, oh, great. Now I have to freaking go mini-golfing and eat frozen yogurt just like, hey, baby. And she's like, nuh-uh, friend zone. Yeah, it's like, oh, great, now I have to freaking go mini-golfing and eat frozen yogurt with her. Dude, no. I'm in the zone.

Friend zone is the silliest term in the world. Friend zone is a way for people to say like, oh, she didn't reject me. She put me in a zone of friends. Right, it's like,

she still likes me. Yeah, you know, the zone where, with all your other friends where you never see that person ever again. It's funny because also it puts the rejection on the girl and not you. She's like, ugh, idiot, put me in the friend zone. I don't want to be your friend.

I'm not trying to be your friend. I'm trying to hook up. No, it's just she put you in the zone of people she is not attracted to. Yeah, the unattracted zone. But now he can't think of trying to go for another girl because his self-esteem is in the gutter. Because you're insecure because this girl didn't find you attractive.

Well, a good way to make yourself feel better is that nobody on earth could get every single girl in the world that he wanted. So you can say, oh, there are some girls that don't like me and some girls that do. This happens to me, a girl that doesn't. Not necessarily every girl is going to think of you that way some girls are will actually you know dig skinny guys yeah or yeah go get like

whey protein uh and just yeah or like cheeseburgers mac and cheese french fries i if you i will give you if you if you need a diet boss you need a diet to pack on pack on some pounds. You're rocking 5,800 calories a day. You. You. You do me. You do me. You do me. You do cheese. You do cheese. Seize the cheeseburger, would you say?

Seize the yo to you. It's just a cheeseburger. This guy's talking. Cheese the cheeseburger. You're drooling American cheese. Sorry, I think I swear to God I'm going to fall asleep with the mic in my hand. When you're doing the outro, when you're like, yeah, this is email in. I'm just like, I'm dead. It's over.

All right. I just got the photo of you that I need. You son of a bitch. Let me do one more being coy. I'll give you final filter approval. Don't worry about that. This is fucked up. This is illegal, I think.

You're exploiting me. You're under arrest. Doors locked behind you. I make you model for half an hour. This seems like a young dude that's experiencing his first taste of rejection. Yeah. It's not how it is always.

Maybe that feeling never does go away. You get rejected and you just think, oh, maybe nobody likes me. That's what, you gotta just remain confident. Yeah, fuck, I don't know. People vacillate between attractive and unattractive too. I mean, I used to be much less attractive than I am currently. Yeah, I think you're peaking right now.

You think this is my apex? Yeah. I don't know where the trajectory is going. I might have already topped out. You maybe did, but I just think that you're at your apex. Let's keep on going up. Let's see what happens. Let's see how high I can get.

Yeah. But I think your star is on the rise, Blumenfeld. Or it's at the very least at the top. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. There is one way to go from here, and it's down. No, it might be up.

Oh. I really think so. So if I was a stock, would you buy me right now, sell me, or hold me? Well, I mean, I bought you eight years ago. So I'm holding you, baby. Totally. I'm holding you forever, baby. Totally.

Hell yeah. Holding you forever, baby. My man. I sold you in 2011. So I bought you in 2007. Well, good. I made a pretty good profit. 2011, that was my all-time low.

I'm on the goddamn rise. You're my little Bitcoin. Yeah, right. Dude. You made a mistake. You made a mistake. I want to come back. I'm going to make

something of myself still. You mark my words, all right? You had an In-N-Out burger? My broken heel's been amputated. I'm talking to an animal- cheeseburger no uh so keep your head up dude i don't know what else to tell this guy yeah i just think that like don't worry about being friend zoned by people also i think if you're in love with someone at homecoming then

you know what you haven't really experienced love yet and that's fine too just like be attractive to people be warm open funny cool confident you don't have to worry about like getting with girls i think people are attracted to that kind of attitude and it's going to come your way yeah just like not not trying so hard well that's kind of difficult advice because you try very hard but your your effort is to is spent masking your effort yeah i try so fucking hard. You try so hard, but 50% of that is just seeming as though you're not trying.

So it's like, I try really, really hard and then the other half of me tries really, really hard to mask that really, really hardness. It's crazy. It's crazy. I can't in good faith give that advice because I don't think anyone, I mean, at least not many people can do it.

Right. It's hard to actually not give a shit. Right. So I think, well, I mean, I think it's hard to give a shit and pretend to not give a shit. Well, I guess that's what everybody does. Yeah. You're constantly vacillating between giving a shit and pretending not to. Right.

And just trying to hide how insecure you are. Right. And how much you want something. And the people that seem want something and the people that seem cooler just the people that are better at hiding it so i guess my advice is uh to at least just keep on like smiling and laughing because then it will look like things don't bother you our advice is to hide it better hide it better yeah and it's it's good to like here's like tell yourself yes i was rejected and that to happen. I mean, everyone gets rejected.

You're not friend-zoned. You're rejected. And every rejection makes you a better person. I feel like this is the meanest advice we've ever given anybody. But it's good. We're number one just telling him over and over he was rejected, not good enough. And then we're being like, but it's fine.

Just lie, fake it, smile even though you're sad. This is sort of like, I mean, this has happened to me. I was rejected before, and I sort of had to own it up own up to it yeah if you don't own up to it then you're constantly sweeping like sweeping it out of the covers and then you never like grow i think right so yeah grow it's okay that you're skinny keep on asking people out keep on getting friend zoned or rejected dude like and honestly i used to be skinny. Like, I was not always this cut. Like, I used to be like this slender dude. And like, people would look at me like,

you're not skinny anymore. You're jacked now. That's not true. Yes, it is. You're making these jokes, but you've been working out for like a year and you had your biceps. How dare you? Enough of this.

You have big biceps. Get off of me. I'm going to take another picture. It's of me doing push-ups. All right. This is enough. This public, the opposite of a public shaming. It's more embarrassing.

You're trying to shame yourself. It's more embarrassing that I tell you that you look good. You're trying to pretend like you're looking good. That's your point. And you're done with it. Absolutely no more. Thank you. And thank you guys for listening to this episode.

The email address, again, if you want to write us in so that we can answer your questions, slash make fun of you, is ifiwereyoushowatgmail.com. Thanks again to 20 Genes for sponsoring, and Hulu Plus for sponsoring this episode. We're also accepting theme song submissions. Every single episode has a new original theme song written by you.

Yes, you. Luke and Jacob, who wrote the outro. My goodness. And that first one was written by, what was his name? Cannon, McClane Cannon. McClane Cannon. Name of the freaking year.

We'll be back on Monday for another all-new episode. Thanks for listening, everybody. Peace. Text me. No. If I were you, I'd be shaking in fear. Life comes at you like a freight to a deer. Life gives you lemons that are crazy and weird.

It's taking a steering wheel, making you fear. The weight of the year is all the hate and the tears. When fate interferes, and starts raping your rear Men like a paper, it's weight, they appear The only ones who can help when it's Jake and Amir Ha ha ha You will smell Mercy

Seize the cheese Barbecue Hey See you soon.