Segments - 450: Reality TV (w/Karen Chee!)

Episode Date: August 31, 2020

Comedian Karen Chee joins us to discuss noisy neighbors, scary movies, and defining the relationship.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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you bundle. Hello, if you're listening to this podcast before September 27th, 2024, we're doing a live show in Philadelphia. You can still buy tickets at HeadGum.com slash live. Hope to see you there. Nice. Try one more where it's clear that I'm like the star. There's a reason I didn't have you say anything. Yeah. Because you're nervous, you're skittish, you're stuttering right now. I'm a little frightened. So I don't want you in this ad at all. I don't want to be steamrolled, but I want the live light. So no, I won't be recording one. In fact, for you asking that, I'm going to keep this part in. Don't. This part is now. Edit this part out, but let's do one clean ad. you will edit this part out you will absolutely edit this part out tell you what

i'm going to say my fucking social security number so you have to edit it out okay let's hear it oh nine one three six six two yeah now you have to edit it in but Keeping it in. But we'll see you guys there. No, no, no, no, no. No. If I were you, I'd write an email to these two coy Jews. What I would do if I were you. If I were you. If I were you No notes. Pretty cool. It was perfect. It was perfect.

Karen, did you know that that was me and Jake singing? I know we had an amazing voice, but that was actually us singing. Yeah, no, I could tell immediately. I was really moved. Yeah yeah it was sort of this actually yeah they auto-tuned it to perfection that was oh you thought it was auto-tuned i don't know i was oddly impressed by our by our vocals yeah it shouldn't have been i was like i like this song yeah i couldn't tell that it was auto-tuned it truly sounded like you guys had recorded yourselves send it to this person and they were like okay i'll send it right back you know we should work with them on making a full album like i feel like that song that song is like a pretty solid single

but we have other gems i imagine yeah i just i don't necessarily have a lot more to say than that like you know how an artist has to get like this pretty important message off his chest once every like 10 years but they have to like make some other shit just for the commerce of it all but i feel like that kind of said everything i needed to say if that makes and that's actually what makes us true artists because that song was like real art one and done we don't need anything from it. Karen Chee, welcome to the podcast. Wait, I didn't say who wrote the song. Oh, I thought Karen brought that song on her own also.

Brandon Peralta, full-time producer and audio engineer from Brooklyn. His website is brandonperalta.com where you can find examples of his work. I swear it's much more polished. I don't know, that felt polished to me. Yeah yeah that was a final on vinyl yeah yeah you should ask him to send a more polished version of this song yeah uh thanks for sending us your first draft um but i have a lot of other questions that could be turned into songs about shoving it in your ass right after class right after class like you walk out and you put a fucking jolly rancher in your butt that's what the song's about would it get you high would it get you by and would it get you by i think it would

uh when did we make that song? Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Yeah. Let's move past the song and introduce Karen. For sure. Years ago. Karen, writer for, remind me this show's specific title. It's Late Night with Seth Meyers.

You've heard of that one. Yeah. You work with our buddy Mike Carnell. Yes, I do. But right now you're in Korea. I am. Yeah. Yeah. carnell yes i do uh but right now you're in korea i am yeah yeah yeah did they beat the coronavirus no spoilers i know you're 20 hours ahead but i have to know did korea beat the coronavirus i think not entirely but mostly yes i will say life is like 90 normal i think you're still not allowed to have really massive gatherings. My friend,

my cousin's friend went to like a, like a show recently and it was like a musical theater show. And so I think most gatherings are okay. Everybody wears masks here and stuff. And there's like hand sanitizer and practically every building or elevator you walk into. So it feels like there's definitely a pandemic going on, but no one is quite as nervous as at least I was when I was back in New York. Yeah. So, but you wear a mask like every time you're outside and in another place.

Yeah. So like if you went to, would you go to a movie and wear a mask? Like movie theaters are open. I actually can't remember if movie theaters are open. I personally would not go to a movie theater just because I would be nervous the entire time. But I think, yeah, I like go to restaurants and stuff with my family. Everyone wears a mask outside.

You can't like get into public transportation or, you know, any kind of restaurant or anything without one. And people are pretty, I feel like everybody kind of gets it. Oh, that's cool. Does anybody like, I don't believe in masks because my president is trump or something do they say that there so my cousins who live in seoul were saying that the only people they see not wearing masks are like white americans and you can tell they're married because they're speaking english really loudly how'd they get into korea how did those guys those guys from fucking wyoming get into korea hey what the hell are you all wearing a mask they rode a fucking harley to korea

from huntington beach california orange county trump country they were they visited seoul in july and they were like oh this country is pretty good. Everyone keeps wearing what they don't agree with. But yeah, and there was this like news thing that came up a few weeks ago, which I thought was really funny, where the police kept being like, yeah, we saw these tourists and we kept giving them free masks and they just wouldn't put it on. I bet. I know where they're from. You do you. Had to be Americans. How do they get in?

Can I get in? Can I go to Korea? Will you let me into Korea? Do you have to sign meicans how do they get in can i get in can i go to korea will you let me into korea you have to sign me in like it's a dining hall oh it's open yeah to americans to us we're the we're the worst ones yeah we're the worst people in the world i think south korea's open to everybody which is why the coronavirus hasn't been completely like tampered down um but basically if you come there's just like a two-week mandatory quarantine where you have to be alone for two weeks in a facility but um after that you're just jail yeah no it's not a jail unless you've like murdered someone then you would go to jail for a very separate reason yeah and for longer than two weeks yeah

yeah maybe like a year. Wow. Two-week mandatory quarantine for murdering someone and also having maybe the coronavirus. Yeah, but they give you free food. Wow, really? Uh-huh. In your quarantine, you get free food? Wow.

That sounds like an upgrade over being quote-unquote free in America. I could just chill. Is the actual staying there at this place also free? Is that paid for? No, no, no. That one you have to pay for. But I think there's like, so I'm in this weird level of my dad is a Korean citizen, but I'm an American citizen.

So I had to quarantine. I couldn't quarantine at a family's home. I had to quarantine like a separate apartment, but I didn't have to do one of the like government facilities. And so I did a separate apartment just because I thought it'd be easier to like live in for two weeks because I was also working at the time and then the local government for the city just sent me this box of food for two weeks and it was that was free and it was amazing and I was like this is nuts because I don't even live here. Like, I'm not a Korean citizen.

So they're just giving away food to people who are coming to study. I feel like people think America is the best country because they just haven't heard enough stories about what other countries do. We just don't actually know anything. If we just had a little more information, we'd be like, they do they do one good thing at least that sounds pretty solid yeah in america we had to sort of protest just to get unemployment benefits continued which is just 300 a week and we're begging for more meanwhile in korea they're like yeah i know you're not a citizen but you you should probably eat right and they give you a box worth of two weeks worth of food. What's in that box?

There was like, let me think. There was a lot of this thing. It's like an instant rice thing. I don't know what it's actually called, but basically it's a little thing of rice and you put it in the microwave for a minute and then it just becomes rice you can eat. And then a bunch of little side dishes.

Wow. And a lot of like ramen. And then these things called pies which are desserts it came with dessert yeah it came with dessert that's cool yeah fuck this hold on i'm gonna look at to see how much it'll cost jake we could do i don't know a show there or something i don't know we can find a way to write it off but then we actually can do a show because they don't allow massive gatherings and we would probably get like eight people to go to the show so that'd be perfect all my family members all right a flight jake how much do you think a round trip flight to

seoul costs this is direct non-stop from round trip from la 13 hour flight um seven i want to say six hundred dollars because i think it's going to be a deal eight hundred dollars that's a really really fucking cheap round trip because you got to imagine you're also getting yeah you're getting free food too so yeah you're getting the food which is like eight hundred dollars worth you know divided by 14 days it's like i'll pay 30 dollars a day for ramen. Then the flight's basically free. You can do it through Hawaii even.

It's actually a really good deal. It's like an all-you-can-eat restaurant. Wow. So, Karen, let's do this podcast for sure, but then email me your address because I need like a place to stay. I want to make sure that the Airbnb that we're getting is up to snuff that's right and if you didn't finish everything from your box you could drop it off because we would have we'd have the ramen that way we'd have extra yeah i think we'll be in the government one because i don't we don't really know any

citizens unless your father wants to vouch for anyone this is great. So he would just be like, I know this guy. All we need is your dad to say that he knows Amir. That, and that should, that should be good and qualify Amir for any, any of those benefits. That's great.

All right, cool. Okay, sweet. Let's do this podcast, but yeah, I'm for sure coming to Korea tomorrow. Yeah.

Yeah. If you guys became like huge here, that would be amazing. That would be amazing. Huge in soul. I deserve that. That's my final form. All right.

But for now, I guess we'll answer some questions for this is an advice podcast. If I were you, the only advice podcast on the entire internet hosted by me, Jake,

and my cousin, Karen. Nice karen nice they can't kick us out of her family you want a harley mr emperor sir if you're listening i assure you karen is my cousin. I, Amir Chi, am cousins with Karen. All right. So these are, as you know, Karen, real questions sent from real people. All we do is need a fake name to preserve their anonymity. Oh, for me? For you. I need a fake lady name from you.

Macintosh Tonkers. Wow. Wow. Did you write these before? Did you come up with them before? Was that on the spot? No. You couldn't tell it was on the spot.

That was perfect. You did look down and see your computer, which I assume is a Macintosh. Is that where that came from? That is actually, you know, I actually didn't realize that is what happened, but that's a hundred percent. I could have just called her like MacBook air.

Yeah. Well, but I'm curious where talkers came from. And I really liked that as a last name. Thank you. Is it because we're all talking? Oh yeah. In my mind,

it was supposed to be talkers. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I heard too. But I also like Tonkers. She can be anybody and we love her. All right, cool. McIntosh writes, due to the whole global pandemic thing, I've been working from home since mid-March. It took some getting used to, but I like it for the most part.

But there's one problem. My neighbor has a large dog that barks almost nonstop while she's gone. I live in an apartment with walls that are made of paper and offer no buffer between myself and this barking dog. It's driving me crazy. I'm already stressed due to an increased workload, and having an incessant barking as the soundtrack to my workday isn't helping. I'm super non-confrontational, to a fault, and I like the idea of talking to my neighbor about it but it kind of freaks me out so what would you do if you were in the situation do i need to just grow a pair and talk to her or get a better pair of headphones any advice would be greatly appreciated you guys are the best love macintosh okay so it's all pair related advice pair of headphones or pair of huevos yeah either way she's growing something in twos uh karen have you ever dealt with this you live in new york right yeah i do i've actually i've never dealt with that before what about just an annoying neighbor in general yeah a loud neighbor a bad neighbor um no i feel like we've been the bad neighbor before but i don't i don't yeah Have you guys ever had a bad neighbor? When I first moved to New York,

my neighbor that I lived above was like a garbage man, like a sanitation worker. Oh, a natural garbage man. That too. But I think I was like 20 years old, just moved to New York City. I was living by myself on the upper east side because i knew nothing about new york and i was like oh i guess like i heard of the upper east side so i like had a studio in

the upper east side um and and uh this guy like just it was like 9 p.m it was not that late but he woke up so early this sounds like i this is a terrible story i'm like the most privileged piece of shit but he i didn't know what was going on because like it's early so i there's a knock on my door and i opened it and he just started screaming at me because i was like i had been walking across the floor of my apartment and every time i walked he got so mad because he's trying to go to sleep because he has to wake up at like three in the morning, which I get. But I was petrified because anytime I fucking stepped, he would get so angry. It happened like a couple times a month. You know, like it got to the point where I had to give him my number and then he would text me if I had to be quiet.

But he was like very old, so he wouldn't ever text like hey can you keep it down he would just like text quiet anyway i had such bad anxiety about just like i would i'd like i would try to just like scrape my feet across the floor if i had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because he was so sensitive yeah aren't there like some rules where it's like you have to have your apartment covered in carpeting or something if there's a neighbor complaining i remember like some rule like that in college it's like oh you have to keep 85 of your upstairs if you're like in the upstairs unit covered in carpeting because that like dampens the noise but basically to him you were the asshole neighbor i think to everyone listening to that story i was also the asshole neighbor there's not really another side to it and you

were wearing the crocs indoors right the clogs that you have i had a pair of wooden like croc tap shoes wait so they should have been soft. Have you seen that commercial? I can't remember any of the specifics. This is going to go bad. Great. I can't wait to hear this. So that's all you can say.

Have you seen that commercial? I don't remember anything about it. Have you? How specific can we get? Can we get there? That, like, family in a house complaining about their, they're setting it up to make it seem like, have you guys heard about those loud people

that use a word that I can't remember? And it's like wordplay. So then it pans to this family that's all tap dancing, I want to say, or in clogs in the floor above them. Do you know what I'm talking about? that does sound vaguely familiar i'll say it was a doritos commercial okay perfect because that's how loud the crunch was i have no recollection of that commercial but that was about me and my neighbor because i was i was tap dancing in clogs

yeah that was the year you were also trying to learn how to ollie on your skateboard so you bring a new board home every night and see if you could kickflip. That's right. So I had these wooden vans and I would ollie and the trucks were just smashing against the floor. You know, I also... Poor garbage man. I have another experience with this in... Like, I've been the loud neighbor plenty of times, but a recent very relevant experience.

I fostered a dog in like 2013. And I didn't know this, but the dog had separation anxiety. Like, I knew she would whine and be sad when I left. And I knew she would be really happy when I got home. But I did not know that she would cry and bark the entire time I was gone. And my neighbor told me, and he was super friendly because he loved dogs and he was like, I felt, I just feel really bad for her. She's like really sad when you're not there. Maybe he's also telling me that I was being loud, but I feel like this is something that people would want to know as a dog owner, if a dog has separation anxiety and is miserable when you're not in the house it's helpful information yeah yeah so you say so you say oh by the way i'm sorry to tell

you that your dog has terrible separation anxiety she's barking all night i guess she's sad that you're not there or are you just there all the time and she's she's a stupid loud little mutt well you wouldn't say it like that this lady specifically says in her question that that the dog barks while this lady's away right yeah okay or a quote all the time but that's classic separation anxiety but yeah would you you think she would rather have the dog in her apartment and not make any noises or not have the dog in her apartment and then just hear the barking fascinating because then you can offer to dog sit oh man i feel like if you offered a dog sit you should also be paid as a dog sitter right so maybe if

this person is willing to do that that would be good But also I feel like I've dog sat before. And if I'm new to the dog, the dog will still bark the first couple of days. And I don't know how long the dog would adjust for. You know what I mean? The dog just is in your apartment barking at you directly. But at least you're getting $50 a day to deal with it. Whereas right now it's a little more faint, but she's not getting any cash for it. I feel like what Jake is saying is true. I think the owner would definitely want to know. I feel like I want to know anytime I'm being annoying to somebody.

And if I feel like I'm not being annoying to anybody, my brain will be like, you are being annoying. Yeah. I was going to say something at the intermission, but I'll, yeah, I'll let you know during the,

you're just doing something really fucking annoying, but we could talk about it offline. I was going to say something at the intermission, but I'll, yeah, I'll let you know during the, you're just doing something really fucking annoying, but we could talk about it offline. I don't know. I shouldn't have. Ideally, like I want to know, I want to know if I'm being annoying, but like more than that,

I want to know constantly that I'm not being annoying. I sort of like, if I don't hear anything, I'll assume that someone hates me. So I need somebody to be like, Hey, you're good. You're doing good. I i love you and that's every 15 minutes or something yeah sometimes even that's not enough sometimes that's not quite enough either yeah it's like during an hour-long meeting i'd say you're doing great nine times and then you're like it's been five minutes

and you haven't said anything am i annoying to you am i and then i start then i start barking yeah i start barking at you that's what i usually do i like the be the polite person that's like i'll i'll fucking dog sit your dog if you want then it's like you're offering to do this person a favor by telling them that their dog is really annoying and loud that is cool yeah and i and you definitely got to get paid but then you could also another idea is um cook something really thin like bacon or like little you know little like thin doggy treats and just sort of slip those under the door so the dog is constantly happy and eating cook thin doggy treats that's your advice you latched on to like one weird thing that i said in the entire that was half of it you said cook thin doggy treats or cook thin bacon so i said yeah i

latched on to the doggy treats one i was trying to fucking make something that will slide under the door okay let's not focus on the thin thing imagine a dog treat so thin it can go under a door or be like karen speak why don't you like karen speak for a fucking second okay sorry i do all right what's your thin advice well my concern is that like if this is a door going into an apartment the door would be really close to the ground so the thinness of this tree we're back on the thinness literally everyone's coming at me for not even wafer yeah like a liquid yeah like alex mad style going through a doorway it has to turn into a water a porridge that's not bad you could do baking grease because that's thin enough to be injected with a syringe.

And then they open the door and you're like, I didn't know you were home. Fuck. I was trying to bake a thin treat. I thought this through. I baked something thinner and thinner and eventually it landed on bacon crease. I baked something else, but it was too thick for the door help all right is it is offering dog sitting is that the best solution i think there's another

option where you can break into the house and then feed the dog throughout the day and then out of the house on your way back to your home yeah yeah so you're saying break and enter but just to feed a dog so it's like illegal but then what you're doing is ultimately fine yeah i will say i think all three of us are coming across as really non-confrontational because there's the very obvious option of just talking to this lady. I would never. Yeah. I'm very conflict averse. I would move before I talk to the neighbor about the dog.

That's what I would do. Okay. I think I would just talk to her. That's nice. I think that's, I mean, that's the smart thing to do. That's the rational thing to do. That's the mature, yeah. But she's asking specifically what we would do. So that's a good point. Yeah. Leave a note asking specifically what we would do. So that's rude.

That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah. Leave a note. I would leave a note. Not even talk. Just leave a note. Okay.

I'd be on Zillow. I'd be on Craigslist. I'd be fucking out of there yesterday. Is that why you moved so much in New York? Yeah. Yeah. Every six months. I couldn't take thin enough treats.

I tried and tried. All right. Let's thank some sponsors, take a break, and we'll be back with more questions and answers with Karen after these messages. Quick note to let y'all know that we're conducting an audience survey at gum.fm slash segments. And we want to hear from you guys to keep making content you love.

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Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. And we're back. Karen, do you have any... Answer, let's a list. Mom, I'm coming. Gross.

Sorry about that. We have guests. I do. I have unsolicited advice. Yes. I have recently been doing a lot of re-watching and re-reading things and that's been really calming and helpful so instead of finding new things to sink your teeth into you're like i know what this is it's great and here i am consuming it again yes i will also say i feel like i get anytime i watch a new movie i get very stressed out anytime there's

conflict so for to begin with it like would have stressed me out to watch something new so i've been going back and re-watching stuff i recently re-watched paddington 2 which was very stressful the first time i watched it because paddington goes to jail but this time i was like i know he's going to jail and i know he's getting out of jail this is gonna be a great time yeah are you you ruined Paddington 2 for me now I'm stressed out no I just you know what I for you I love no I love that's right I actually because you know I'm also conflict averse I loved the first Paddington and I was watching the second Paddington and I had to leave. I don't know how I had to go in the middle of a movie, but

there's something very therapeutic and calming about just like a teddy bear in London. I love it. Wait, you went to the theater and you left in the middle of it? No, I was watching it with Jillian one evening and that's actually quite enough about my love life. I'm just wondering

what happened that you that's actually left did jillian also leave or did she no she stayed at home i needed to i needed to have a walk but i really i'd really not rather i'd rather not get into was it because paddington went to jail and you're like i have to blow off some steam this is no it was because an argument that we got in during dinner and i was sort of stewing and then it all boiled over during the film. But I really don't want to get too deep into my marriage. What was the fight about, the dinner-based fight that spilled over into the movie? It was just that I don't do a lot of the cooking or the prep work or the cleaning.

I don't pull my own weight. I don't pay for the food. And she sort of went in on me for that, and I resented it, and it boiled over. But I don't want to talk about my marriage. Did it end up spilling over past the movie movie because he seems like he just went on a walk it didn't talk to her about it it didn't get any better i went on a long walk i was gone for two and a half days and we haven't spoken about it since okay i don't want to get into this i don't want to i don't want to hash this out you're married yeah what what have you been we got a

divorce but i'd really not i'd rather not get into my divorce on the podcast karen now what are you rereading because you mentioned reading as well yeah um well i recently reread a bunch of like nora efron essay collections that i'd read a few years ago um which i also really liked because they don't have much plot to them because they're like very just short essays and they're very funny um and my brain is just dumb enough that it forgets all jokes and anything and will only remember the general plot so when i was really perfect i was like oh i vaguely remember her like complaining about something or writing a list about something but everything else felt like new and delightful.

That's perfect. What do you, what do you feel like is happening to your brain when there's like, when you're rewatching something familiar versus I guess not watching something new, but like just doing something entirely different. Like what, what does that, what does that do for you?

For me, it feels almost like uh you know have you ever wished you could like nap but then stay conscious the whole time yes you know what i mean to like fully luxury like a lucid dream yeah but not even dream just be like wow i'm sleeping and i don't have to do anything. Like that's my dream. And that's sort of how I feel rewatching something and knowing exactly what's going on. Right. It's like a Zen, like meditation almost. For sure.

Except if I think if I actually try to meditate, I would fall asleep. Right. Yes. Then we agree. That makes sense. Yes. So your dream is to dream in a way.

Yes. I your dream is to dream in a way. Yes. And would you say your biggest nightmare is to have the biggest nightmare? It's that a teddy bear goes to jail for a crime that he didn't commit. Actually, yes. Wait, so have you guys read this book called A Burning by Megha Majumdar? Yes. No. I loved it but we're well read we're scholars it just came out like a month ago sorry the only reason i brought it up yeah yeah a month ago

it's about shut up dude you didn't read it um it's very good it's very stressful and there's a part where somebody goes to jail that's like not a spoiler it happens pretty early on and i truly re-watched paddington too after i read this book because i was like i want something similar but that makes me feel better you know i've been reading this um book series because i'm also a reader just like uh like you have you read it have you read sorry what's the book jake have you read this? Sorry, what's the book, Jake? Have you read this book? Karen, it's actually really fascinating. The Burning?

Yeah, it came out a month ago. It's really good. Someone goes to jail. I just finished a book that came out yesterday. I forget the title because I've already read a few books since then, but I think it's called The Fappening. What happened? books since then but i think it's called the fappening what happened why that why that book all of the books you could have made up kind of an interesting peer into a certain socioeconomic status that um it's a little hard to explain what book were

you talking about jake no it's evidently it's impossible to explain you haven't you haven't even touched on an expert i can't read i cannot read we both know you get that um but i well look my book thing aside i i feel like i've also been getting um a similar thing happening in my brain from watching reality TV, which I never watched pre-pandemic. But I have found that some of the shows that I used to watch that have death and violence and all that stuff, that's hard for me to... It winds me up too tight when I'm watching. Yeah. like it winds me up too tight when I'm watching. So it's been very therapeutic to watch like mindless reality shows about people like fixing houses. Cause it's like,

you know, every time there's a conflict where like this wall is actually structural and like, it's like, like that's going to be solved. It's going to be fine. They're, they're going to have a nice house at the end.

Cause that's what happens all the time. You know, that's really nice. What is this you know? That's really nice. What is this show called? Well, there's a couple. Okay. Grand Designs is my favorite one. It's also, it's British.

It's incredible. It's like, it's kind of, you know, like those, like Property Brothers where they make a house in like seven days. It's like that except it's tracking someone's progress that they're doing like everything themselves and it's over the course of like several years sometimes. So you're like watching the seasons change and they're always making

their houses in like the country in England. It's very pleasurable. Oh, that's awesome. Highly recommend. That's very cool. Are that's awesome highly recommend that's very cool are you guys done talking about books can we fucking talk about real shit I was talking about reality tv I was talking about television all right but not specifically the shows that I watch what are you watching that's a good question there's this show called Spum Island on Spice Channel. So basically, it's a

bunch of porn stars that sort of get together. And they'll like... It's called... Yeah, Spum Island. And it's like, uh, yeah. The goal of the show, the crux of the episode specifically is 69 their way off this not really an island, but goal of the show, the crux of the episode specifically, is 69 their way off this, not really an island, but more of a peninsula.

Jake is puking water. Jesus, man. Get a hold of yourself. They're on a peninsula. They're on a peninsula and they have to 69 to get off of it yeah in a way in a way yes sort of like that it's hard to explain because a lot of it is character based yeah and it's it's an only fan exclusive you explained it so easily, so quickly. Well, right now it's just a pilot presentation that I worked on, but yeah.

Hopefully coming soon. Wait, are you in it? I'm not in it per se, though. I do play a furry kind of like a cameraman slash guy who's a toilet when necessary. So in the pilot, it comes up a few times that one of the starlets

takes yeah a for lack of a better term try don't no no before you say it before you say it try to find a better term just try to find a better term i don't like for yeah she'll shit in my suit that's what i was gonna say yeah and that will search for a better term and that'll happen as like an act break or whatever even though there's not necessarily a commercial if that makes sense so you know can i just just one second because karen asked if you were in it and then you said no but they shit in your mouth leading into commercial so you're not it sounds like you're it sounds like you're the star you're like you're i'm the creator i'm like the sort of visioneer like the ed harris and the truman show

almost also you said they were act breaks, but there's no commercials, right? Commercials, yes. Yeah, thanks for bringing that up. Is it written very formally? Yeah, it's written in a very sort of classical three-act structure. It's a lot like Pride and Prejudice or a bunch of the books that I read growing up. And so it's divided in that very specific fashion where, I mean, there's only 11 kinds of stories, right? A hero's quest, 69 to get off a peninsula, a buddy comedy, forging ahead, memory lane. The second one you said is what? What's that? 69 to get off a peninsula.

That's the one we actually ended up, that's the one we landed on, if you could believe it or not. Wow, wow. Yeah. And so we sort of sunk our teeth. This is me and my great uncle who were like pitching the show together. He's a Hollywood, old Hollywood guy. Old Hollywood? How old Hollywood?

Because you said great uncle. Yeah, he's great uncle. Like, oh, you mean. How old is he? He's my grandfather's younger brother. So that is, yeah, that's your great uncle yeah he's great uncle like oh you mean he's my grandfather he's my grandfather's younger brother so that is that's yeah that's your great uncle it's not he's a i mean i'm sure he's a he's an excellent uncle but he's also he's your great uncle yeah he's my great uncle he's a bad uncle but he's my great uncle yeah he's younger than me in a weird way what yeah so my

grandfather had me had you when i was he was 30 yeah he was 36 your grandfather didn't have you that's your dad then buddy yeah so my dad had me at 18 my grandfather was 36 when i was born and he had a younger brother who was born a year after me whoa i'm so his mom that had a kids 37 years apart, 18 and 56. If that makes sense. It makes less sense than you getting shit in your mouth between act breaks of a commercialist show about 69ing to get off of a peninsula. Your life is sad and tortured and insane. It's demented.

Oh. I'm fully, fully on board now. We got another. Kara's invested in it. She doesn't even like conflict yeah this is me has to read the wikipedia page yeah you have to figure out how it ends before you watch it so you can enjoy it stress-free do you ever do that with movies that's how i watch any sort of scary movies i will read it before um and then i will go and watch it that's what i did for

get out and i did that for it ruin any of those movies? No, I think if I went in not knowing that tension would ruin the movie for me already. So it's better for me to know going in what is bad. I would just- You didn't see, did you watch Parasite?

I did watch Parasite and I watched it with my family. Oh man. I mean, that's an anxiety inducing movie. Yes. Really tough. I do the same exact thing where i read a wikipedia page about um like a scary movie and then i never see it because i sometimes just like want to know the ending but i don't i get nothing from watching scary movies they just scare me that is yeah that's like pretty much the same except i the only scary

movies i've seen are parasite get out and then i also used to include harry potter 3 in there and then eventually as a scary movie um but now i'm like i have to stop saying this and i feel too old which one is that which one is harry potter 3 where there's like serious black or something yeah and then the demigods those are those are pretty scary that's like a fucking or something. Yeah. And then the. Those are, those are pretty scary. That's like a fucking crazy little hell that they suck people into.

Right. Like you're tortured and scared and it like feels like it lasts forever. It's. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they like suck. Like a hell prison. Out of your face.

Yeah. It was horrifying. Yeah. I can imagine that being scary. I mean, not a scary movie, but still. Thank you um all right let's get to one last question before we run out of time here ready okay we just need another

lady's name um barbara knees her that's a sentence barbara knees her it's actually it's a double barrel last name got it so and k-n-e-e-s oh hyphen barbara knees here yeah um okay k-n-e-e-s hyphen and then this is the plot twist it's very german so it's e-r-r-o-u-g-h whoa classic german last name but that one's it's silent at the the e-o-u-g-h at the end you don't pronounce that or you do you don't pronounce it germans are famously quiet about some things so yeah that's what they're known for uh okay barbara writes i'm a 22 year old bachelorette but trying as hard as I can to change that. Uh, I've been talking to this guy who's also 22 for about, for a year as of this

September. Before COVID struck, we went on a handful of dates and partook in some sexy nights. But back in March, he explained that while he liked me, he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship, which is fine. I respected his wishes and let it go. But just a couple months later, I get a message asking if I would be interested in dating and apologizing for his indecisiveness. Kind of a shock, but I'm an absolute simp for him, so we started talking again with clearer intentions. I have made him baked goods,

curated a stellar playlist with hand-drawn cover art, gotten him gifts, and even stayed at his house for three days. I really like him, and I make it pretty obvious. It's been like two months since we started talking again, and I feel like the natural next step is to become exclusive, but I feel like since he came to me, I should leave the task of formalizing our relationship to him and that if i did it i might be stealing his thunder in some sort of way what do you think should i bite the bullet and ask him if he's ready to move into the next stage or just keep riding the high of talking to the guy i like and be patient thank you love barbara knees her oh i think what do you think karen right i feel like if you are i think regardless of what the situation is if you're trying to start a relationship with somebody that it should be based on like being very straightforward about your feelings and so even if she's like hello i would like to be exclusive and very

official with you and he's like i actually don't know that's like much better to know now than later on yeah you look and i think that's really stealing his thunder and i hate to have my thunder stolen yeah actually yeah i bet if she brings it up he'll be like i was gonna ask you and you stole my thunder my thunder i feel like i've been this 22 year old guy and what's going on in his mind is like i just won't ever bring it up and then it'll either happen or not or whatever we'll see and she's like i just wanted to like make this official step and become exclusive so i feel like he's not waiting to do this special thing and i don so i feel like he's not waiting to do this special thing and i don't think he'll think you're stealing his thunder but i do think he's

kind of a passive but oh yeah i guess he's been he is maybe passive but i've also been in the position that she's in where i'm like desperately liking somebody and just want them to say that they love me like way too early um so like i get i'm i'm on board with karen's idea of being straightforward i feel like there's a way to do it where you're not like what are we that's that doesn't feel like like it's it it produces some like weird thing in me to be like i'm me i want you to make a decision you know but to be like you can just bring it up you can like start a conversation conversation and say what are you thinking about this um are you seeing anybody else do you want to be exclusive and not really be like what's the definition of what we're doing it's also like um kind of

dangerous to be promiscuous right now so i feel like uh it's extra okay to be like are you fucking anybody else i really need to know yeah yeah not because of this relationship just because of coronavirus reasons yeah i also feel like there there's definitely a world in which he thinks this is exclusive and has thought this has been exclusive the whole time and so if she approaches it weirdly you know being like hey it's okay if we're not like just fyi he could be like what the heck i've you've been my girlfriend this whole time yes yeah that's so true right frame like the framing that's in her mind right now which is like i i want to say stuff and he doesn't.

And like, what's what does this mean? Like, it assumes a lot on his part. Like, he could totally just be like, yeah, she sleeps over for three days at a time. She makes me baked goods. She made me a mixtape. That's my girlfriend. Some people aren't conversation people because there's those different love languages. Mine is words of affirmation and i need to hear multiple times that somebody is

my girlfriend for me to be like okay good that it's official and i'll say i love you every time we leave a room and that's how i'll know and sometimes if i go to work and i say i love you and you don't say anything then i feel like we're breaking up so ciao welcome to your living nightmare these are your vows. A great way to establish this is if she asks him, like, hey, how do you best want to be spoken to or, like, affirmed? That actually, it sounds cheesy, but I bet that works really well. Yes. So what's the question specifically?

I mean, you just have a conversation about love languages. Or, Karen, you said, how do you like to be affirmed? Yeah, which I actually, in hindsight, what a weird question. Don't ask that. Well, out of nowhere, it feels weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quick question. I totally realize I don't know how you like to be affirmed.

I'm ordering a pizza. We'll do half pepperoni and half mushrooms if you don't feel how do you like to be affirmed I'm ordering a pizza we'll do half pepperoni and half mushrooms if you don't feel like having meat how do you like to be affirmed what's that topping wise how do you want me to be like that I respect you and I'm exclusive with you and do you like extra cheese

I made you a mix CD should I address it to my lover, my boyfriend, or just my main bitch? That's a ludicrous lyric. I would never use that word in the wrong or in the right. I don't think it's mine to use. I'm actually offended you set me up, Karen. Yeah, well, I'm actually offended you used that word. Really?

Wow. I guess Jake's at fault here. I do. Jake laughed at this whole thing, which I think is more offensive than anything I've ever said. The whole 69 island thing? It's a 69 island.

You have to 69 the peninsula? Is it a physical thing or is it you 69 with another person if you 69 successfully enough you both get to leave the peninsula okay thank you karen these are all buying questions that's good because i'm trying to sell this pilot in the room shelly let me take this this because I feel like I can close the deal in the Zoom. Imagine rolling down a hill but off a peninsula. And you're 69ing. This has to be a direct 20 episode order

otherwise we're walking. I have a cousin at Quibi, so don't think I can't walk this across the Zoom. And a great grand nephew at hulu who's 28 but doesn't look a day over 90 your family tree is so fucked up it's a circle your family tree is a weed a tumbleweed uh all right so have a conversation with him i don't

think we don't think that he's saving it for a special occasion and that you're stealing his thunder no i also feel like you could totally it when i was 22 when i and i was dating other 22 year olds i feel like ever nobody wanted to commit at that age you know what I mean so there's a world in which she brings it up he's like no and it hurts but it's so much better to know now and get out of there than like grow really attached to this person and have him be like actually I have six other women I'm seeing yeah that's right knowledge is better than limbo wow that's a powerful phrase knowledge is better than limbo thank you it's the slogan for 69 peninsula

and i just got a series order in the zoom wait did you just steal that idea away from a mirror and then sell it that's right oh well that's well. Now let's limbo. Knowledge is better than doing this. Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. That was fun. Thanks for coming by, Karen. Thank you for having me.

Is there anything you want to promote? Oh, no, but i appreciate the offer wow literally anything that's a fucking twitter account instagram um facebook live i i i'm on twitter you can follow me okay yeah um i've been reaching a lot of red wall feasts do you guys know this account no it's great so i would like to promote this account that i'm actually not related to in any way it's called red wall feasts and people just post or it's this bot that posts um new versions of the food that they used to talk about in red wall the like children's book series and it sounds amazing oh okay what is this i've

never heard of that children's book series oh wait okay so okay so oh this is exciting redwall is like it's like a thing do you know it's like i'm explaining this so badly it's like that commercial um it's a bunch of little animals that live in fields in england and there's an abbey called Redwall Abbey. It was like a massive series and they all like go to war against each other but the people in the Abbey or the animals in the Abbey are like the good animals and they also have little feasts and the author does a really good job describing the food and it's usually like pages and pages of food descriptions before it gets to any sort of plot or character.

This is incredible. I'm looking at it right now. I never even knew about Redwall, but this is right up my alley, right next to Paddington. All right, sweet. And what is your Twitter? My Twitter is just my name. It's Karen Chi, but with an extra E at the end. Cool.

Karen Chi. So check her out for that Red E at the end. Cool. Karen Chi. So check her out for that Redwall retweet shit. Yes. Opening theme song was written by, ooh, I forgot his name. Do you guys remember? He had a really good name. Wow.

Great memory. Thank you. Brandon Peralta. How did you remember that? My God. I can't believe i remembered that and then like nothing else that i was trying to talk about yeah this you just passed that donald trump dementia test i gave you a name an hour ago man camera tv and i had it right there right off the bat uh brandon peralta that's right and this closing one was written by uh uh god some australian guy

hold on i have his name oscar oscar knows that name too yeah um i'm not sure if this has been parodied yet but i parodied check yes juliet for if i were you i'm a mega pop punk fan and he's in a pop punk trio down here in australia called sal and the mandas uh oh my god also can i join the band can we make a quartet please uh well he's starting to release i've never wanted nothing like anything more in my life than to be in a pop punk band in australia fuck it's already a trio you can't join the trio is done um but he's starting to do his quartets he's starting to do his own stuff and his instagram Instagram is itsoscarjoe with links to his Spotify. So if you like this theme song, check out itsoscarjoe on his Instagram for links to his Spotify.

All right. Thanks for everyone that's written in a question or theme song. You can do that all to ifireyoushow at gmail.com. And thanks to Karen for making time. I assume it's five in the morning there in Korea. Yeah. Plus another five hours. It's 10 a.m.

It's a very good time to be awake. All right. Perfect. Have a great day today. Damn. Thank you. Have a great evening. Thank you.

And thanks to you guys for listening. We'll be back as soon as possible. Bye, everybody.